1 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,345 - Well, hello, Hank. So good of you to come up. 2 00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:08,050 - Well, I'm not gonna miss 3 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,928 the america's kidz got singing finale. 4 00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:13,180 Last time I was this excited was this morning. 5 00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:16,266 I saw a cat wearing the same sweater as its person. 6 00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:20,038 Jack, you remember my granddaughter. 7 00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:21,522 - Oh, hi, Mr. Donaghy. 8 00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:22,813 - Kaylie. 9 00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:24,483 - There's Jenna Maroney! 10 00:00:24,775 --> 00:00:28,820 - So, Jack, how's your wife? Still kidnapped? 11 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,232 - How's the yearbook going? I heard you made editor... 12 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,616 Of the photo captions. 13 00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:35,994 Hey, pop-pop, wait up. 14 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:37,514 Hey, pop-pop, wait up. 15 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,081 - I'm so excited for the finale. 16 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,213 Not that it matters, even if Brock doesn't win, 17 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:42,856 he is going to get a record contract. 18 00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,406 So, it definitely doesn't matter. 19 00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:46,314 This isn't the last we will be seeing of Brock. 20 00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:48,399 - Well, whoever wins, it's a great night for the industry. 21 00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:49,984 Kidz is a hit the whole family can watch together, 22 00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:53,178 not your usual sitcom crap full of gratuitous vulgarity 23 00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:54,470 and pratfalls. 24 00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:55,639 - Wah! Oh! 25 00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:57,766 Oh, my penis! 26 00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:00,018 - Jenna, this is a big night. 27 00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:02,145 - And I've got something big planned. 28 00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:04,356 Tonight during the finalists' duet, 29 00:01:04,648 --> 00:01:05,774 I'm gonna cry. 30 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,277 Now, of course, none of these little condom accidents 31 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:11,113 could actually make me cry, so I'm gonna rub this 32 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,115 under my eyes to help me fake it. 33 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,551 It's an old acting trick I learned 34 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:15,909 from Glenn Beck's prostitute. 35 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:17,953 - Well, Mark my words, Jenna, 36 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,622 tonight is going to be the greatest. 37 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,833 - Disaster in the history of television. 38 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:27,004 The young contestants apparently inebriated on live TV. 39 00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,548 - ♪ Oh, shushanna... ♪ 40 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:30,882 - I gotta throw up. 41 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,011 - What happened? 42 00:01:34,303 --> 00:01:35,405 Why haven't you been returning my calls? 43 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,931 - Because my phone melted last night, Lemon. 44 00:01:38,223 --> 00:01:40,601 - Come here, Jack. 45 00:01:40,892 --> 00:01:42,436 Mm... 46 00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:45,814 That was my angriest hug, 'cause that's how I feel right now. 47 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,108 Instead of heading back to Philadelphia, 48 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,444 I'm going down to deal with the fcc. 49 00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:52,279 The federal clown commission. 50 00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:54,031 I hope that comes off as respectful. 51 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:55,323 My father was a clown, 52 00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:56,767 and I know how hard those men work. 53 00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,314 - I'm going to get to the bottom 54 00:01:58,452 --> 00:01:59,732 of what happened last night, sir. 55 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,331 I've already detained Brock and Ava under the patriot act. 56 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,143 People have forgotten about that thing, 57 00:02:04,416 --> 00:02:07,836 but any white male can arrest any other person. 58 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,714 Hello, peers. 59 00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,341 Sure has been a busy morning 60 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,009 down in the standards department. 61 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:15,821 Because of last night's cluster-whoops, 62 00:02:16,011 --> 00:02:17,137 Darren was fired. 63 00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:19,264 Then he threatened to come back with a gun. 64 00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,058 Then I got a promotion, 65 00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:23,935 and the desk closest to the door. 66 00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:28,315 Here are my new business cards. 67 00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:31,276 - Late night programming? So you're covering TGS now? 68 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,945 - And a wonderful new show from D.L. Hughley 69 00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:36,823 that's already been canceled! 70 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:38,867 - I feel like Oscar the grouch today, 71 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,369 and not just 'cause I woke up 72 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:41,861 in a garbage can this morning, 73 00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,789 startling someone named Gordon. 74 00:02:44,081 --> 00:02:45,248 - What's wrong, Tracy? 75 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:46,041 - I can't eat for 24 hours 76 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,602 'cause I have a colonoscopy tomorrow. 77 00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:48,794 I'm starving! 78 00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:51,213 - You know, fasting can actually clear your mind. 79 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,215 In college, I once went on a hunger strike 80 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:54,966 to protest apartheid... - Oh. 81 00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:59,221 You're the one who solved that? Thank you so much. 82 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:03,016 - 1997 Heather Locklear, what are you doing here? 83 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,308 What? Jenna! 84 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:05,686 - Save it, Liz. 85 00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:08,980 Yes, I was disappointed that I didn't get to do my fake cry, 86 00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:10,857 but I do have a plan b. 87 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:13,276 The whole point of the cry was to humanize me, 88 00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:14,986 to change public perception, 89 00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:18,407 but what else humanizes a monster? 90 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:19,282 Motherhood. 91 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:20,574 - Oh, god. Don't adopt. 92 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:22,119 That child is better off in Somalia. 93 00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:24,996 It could be a pirate, or a warlord's concubine. 94 00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,349 - This is better than adopting. 95 00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:29,209 Remember my little moneymaking scheme back in Chicago? 96 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:31,354 - Cashing your dead aunt's social security checks? 97 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:32,618 - Oh, no, I'm still doing that. 98 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:34,673 I'm talking about when I donated my eggs. 99 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,591 So, a couple of months ago, I called 100 00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:39,219 the calumet city egg donation center and house of blues 101 00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:41,391 to see if there were any little Jennas out there 102 00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:42,139 who wanted to meet me. 103 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,725 - Hang on, are you saying you have a kid? 104 00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:46,601 - No, I don't. 105 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,228 - Oh. 106 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,647 - I have six kids. 107 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,816 - Jerome, share the bronzer, you slut. 108 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,485 - Dear god. 109 00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:06,321 ♪ ♪ 110 00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:16,089 - I'm a very powerful man, Brock. 111 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,008 Little league tryouts are coming soon. 112 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:20,140 How would you like to wind up on a team with... 113 00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:22,304 None of your friends? 114 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,931 - It was her idea! She made me do it! 115 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:27,267 - Brock just sold you out, Ava. 116 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:32,522 - What are you doing to Molly? 117 00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:35,066 She already had to live through world war ll. 118 00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,678 - Brock said it was all your idea. 119 00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,570 - No, it was her idea. 120 00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:39,862 She's just so cool. 121 00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:41,406 Like a human silly band! 122 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:43,700 - Who? Who's a human silly band? 123 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:44,534 - I'm tall enough now 124 00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,387 that there isn't a roller coaster in the world 125 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,411 I can't go on. 126 00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:48,663 - Wow. - So... 127 00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:51,374 You guys drink beer. 128 00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:54,586 Or are you babies? 129 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:56,630 - Jack versus Kaylie, round two, 130 00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:58,215 colon... 131 00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,425 No subtitle necessary. 132 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:03,178 Mommy announcement. 133 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:04,471 I hope we're all waxed, 134 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:05,823 because you're coming with me to my interview tonight 135 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:09,684 for Barbara Walters' 10 most overexposed people. 136 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,771 Oh! Barbara Walters! 137 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:15,333 - Okay, so, let me just quickly identify everyone's good sides. 138 00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:16,983 Left, left, right, 139 00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:19,945 right, left... 140 00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:22,656 Oh, Judy. That's not really on message. 141 00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:23,615 - Look, I didn't call the donation center 142 00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:24,907 to be on TV, Jenna. 143 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:28,787 I wanted to go get a cup of coffee and get to know you. 144 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:29,538 - If you want to get to know me, 145 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:32,958 read my 2006 interview in amtrak magazine. 146 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:36,336 If you want to be my daughter, put on this wig and smile. 147 00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:39,923 Oh, there you are, Liierz. 148 00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:42,695 Boy, I am still not comfortable calling you by your first name. 149 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,362 Then again, you've never been comfortable 150 00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:45,826 calling me by my full Christian name. 151 00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:46,929 - Kenneth. 152 00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:50,934 - Oh, no, "Kenneth" is short for andromakennethamblesorton. 153 00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:54,354 - So, what's up? - Oh. 154 00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:55,646 - Wait, what is this? 155 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,458 "Additional restrictions to broadcast standards"? 156 00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,817 - Yes. 157 00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,069 People are pretty upset about last night. 158 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,481 - How can we do "fart doctor" without the word "fart"? 159 00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:05,949 - I'm surprised they allow you to say "doctor." 160 00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:10,120 It's so close to "gynecologist," which is disgusting. 161 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,809 - Have you seen this memo from standards? 162 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,960 Kenneth is being a real... 163 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:18,252 Dingbat. 164 00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:20,416 Which is now the harshest word we are allowed to say. 165 00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:22,145 - Oh, you can blame that on Kaylie Hooper. 166 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,776 She's the one who ruined the kidz finale. 167 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,636 - Really? What a... Dingbat. 168 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,430 - Why didn't I see this coming? 169 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:31,016 I knew this company was making me lose my edge. 170 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:34,102 That's why I hired a cato to attack me at random. 171 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,438 Like Inspector Clouseau. 172 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,524 Cato? 173 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,526 Don't attack me tonight, okay? 174 00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:43,904 I know I told you that when I say, "don't attack me," 175 00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:45,381 that's when I most need you to attack me, 176 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:48,116 but I'm serious. 177 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,077 Cato? 178 00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:52,078 Aah! 179 00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:54,205 Excellent, cato, excellent! 180 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:56,917 Did Kaylie really think I wouldn't figure this out? 181 00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:58,919 No, she knew I would. 182 00:06:59,210 --> 00:06:59,794 So, she's going to be ready for me. 183 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,588 Good. I like a fair fight. 184 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:04,299 - Okay, she is just a teenage girl. 185 00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:07,802 - Lemon, you know very well that a Nemesis can be anyone... 186 00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,094 Or anything. 187 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:11,932 Autocorrect. 188 00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:15,644 I was trying to say "pen organizer." 189 00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:19,064 - Oh, god. You're a winter. 190 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,191 - I don't know what that means. 191 00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:24,110 Why are there only six chairs out there? There's seven of us. 192 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:28,073 - Oh, no. One of us will have to sit out the interview. 193 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:30,533 I'm just gonna choose at random who it's gonna be. 194 00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:35,497 Eenie-meenie-miney-moe, out goes ♪ y-o-u ♪ 195 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,290 - I'm sorry, Judy. - Bye, Judy. 196 00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:38,959 All: 197 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,252 - Could've just gotten another chair. 198 00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:44,047 - Who is it? 199 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:45,924 - Sweetie, it's pop-pop. 200 00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:49,135 I came back from D.C. early, and I lost my darn key. 201 00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:52,514 What a world. 202 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,474 Surprise. 203 00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:57,978 I'm very good at voices, Kaylie. 204 00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:00,146 I'm very good. 205 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:01,731 I know what you did. 206 00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:04,067 And you had to assume I'd break Brock and Ava, 207 00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,443 so, you're ready for this, 208 00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:07,088 but here's what you weren't counting on... 209 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:08,432 - This has nothing to do with you! 210 00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:10,132 I just had to get pop-pop out of town 211 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,491 because I am in so much trouble! 212 00:08:11,783 --> 00:08:13,803 Henry and his friends had to go to the King of prussia mall 213 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,304 last Thursday night 'cause it was a half day, 214 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,871 and I couldn't go 'cause I had piano, 215 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,224 and my friend vickie, well, 216 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:19,848 she said she got grounded 'cause she went 217 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,400 to some highlighter party with Dylan 218 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:22,895 while his parents were out of town. 219 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,504 - Whoa, okay, hang on. Calm down. 220 00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:26,756 - And then fat vickie saw her there, 221 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,009 so I called her, and Henry answered her phone 222 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:30,593 because he had vickie's phone! 223 00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:32,154 - Wait, which vickie? Fat vickie? 224 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:32,804 - Vickie p. Are you even listening to me? 225 00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:35,140 - Okay. - God! 226 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:36,766 Vickie used to be my best friend. 227 00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,394 I had her YouFace password, so I logged onto her account, 228 00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:40,766 and posted all these photos 229 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,081 with "I am a slut" written on her forehead, 230 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:44,065 and then school found out, so now my life is over! 231 00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:45,233 - Please! 232 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,318 What does this have to do with sabotaging me? 233 00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:48,930 - This has nothing to do with you! 234 00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:50,475 I messed up the show to make sure 235 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:52,258 pop-pop wouldn't come back to Philadelphia with me, 236 00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:54,135 'cause Dr. Melvoin is trying to kick me out of school, 237 00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:55,999 and if pop-pop comes to the teacher conference, 238 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,263 well, then, he'll let them expel me, 239 00:08:57,287 --> 00:09:00,165 and I'll have to go to some school in the middle of nowhere, 240 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:03,168 and then I might as well be dead! 241 00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:04,836 - Wait, where are your parents? 242 00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:06,504 - Who knows? 243 00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:09,215 My mom is in Indonesia visiting her charity 244 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,634 where poor children make shoes. 245 00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:12,635 - Isn't that just a sweat shop? 246 00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,471 - I know! 247 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,683 And then my dad put a Porsche engine in a model t 248 00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,183 and drove it to Mardi Gras! 249 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,894 - I know what it's like not to have your parents around. 250 00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:23,480 I once took a log with googly eyes 251 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:25,440 to a father-son picnic. 252 00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:27,734 But, uh, who's going to take you 253 00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:29,527 to this parent-teacher conference? 254 00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:30,987 - I don't know. 255 00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,947 I have nobody! 256 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,783 I wanna die! 257 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:40,914 - Do you have a second, Kenneth? 258 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,225 - No, there's only one of me. What? What are you asking? 259 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:43,666 - Look, we have a show tonight. 260 00:09:43,958 --> 00:09:46,377 You can't just take away all these words 261 00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:48,229 we've been using for the past six years. 262 00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:49,296 - Oh, that reminds me. 263 00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:52,133 You can't say "using" on TV. It implies drug use. 264 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:57,180 - We're saying whatever we want. 265 00:09:57,472 --> 00:09:59,390 - No, you can't. 266 00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,059 That's an order. 267 00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,031 I stole that speech from an episode of jag, 268 00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:03,728 but it applies here. 269 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,105 - Are you kidding me? 270 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,106 Last week you were a page, 271 00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:07,958 now you're telling me how to run my show? 272 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,901 - Well, I am arguing back at you. 273 00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:12,254 - I have enough crap to deal with around here, Kenneth... 274 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:14,447 - I'm interrupting you 'cause I'm good at arguing! 275 00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:16,339 - I don't need you to make my life worse. 276 00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:18,868 - I am responding, I am matching your tone, 277 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,328 and making my own point. 278 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,581 - You know what, Kenneth? Fine. You win. 279 00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:27,710 But as we saw the other night on kidz, 280 00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:30,755 anything can happen on live TV. 281 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,423 Right, Tracy? - What? 282 00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:34,050 - I'm just saying, tray, 283 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,802 you're very unpredictable. 284 00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:37,720 And we'll write clean sketches, 285 00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:39,572 but you might just do your stand-up act. 286 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,266 Who knows? - Okay. 287 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,060 I'm still fasting because I misread my calendar. 288 00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,146 Tomorrow is my colonoscopy. 289 00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:48,898 Today was my meeting with Colin o'scopy. 290 00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:50,733 Therefore, I have no idea 291 00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:54,946 what you're saying, talking Turkey leg. 292 00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:10,044 - Were you a difficult teenager? 293 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:14,799 - Well, I was voted head of the pta, so no. 294 00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:17,319 - I'm accustomed to dealing with difficult people, Lemon, 295 00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:20,013 but teenage girls, ugh... 296 00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:21,305 Are a puzzle. 297 00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:24,726 - Oh, yes, how was your meeting with your Nemesis? 298 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,811 - I volunteered to accompany Kaylie 299 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,863 to a parent-teacher conference at her school. 300 00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:30,732 - What? Why? - It's complicated. 301 00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,751 The point is, and I never thought I'd say this, 302 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:35,361 I actually feel badly for Kaylie. 303 00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:37,013 On the other hand, I know full well 304 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:38,918 that this is an opportunity to destroy her. 305 00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:39,866 I could get her expelled, 306 00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:42,285 sent off to some second-rate boarding school, 307 00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:45,705 then on to that last bastion of the incompetent rich, 308 00:11:45,997 --> 00:11:47,081 usc. 309 00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:49,333 - I don't know, Jack, you should stay out of this. 310 00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:50,644 - No, I could help this girl. 311 00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,879 Or destroy this monster. 312 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:55,411 If I could just tell whether she's vicious or vulnerable. 313 00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:57,318 - That's the problem. She's a teenage girl. 314 00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,093 She's vicious and vulnerable. 315 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:00,637 She might be completely lying, 316 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,889 like when I was 15 and told everyone at my school 317 00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:04,501 that I'd already gotten my period, 318 00:12:04,766 --> 00:12:06,726 or she could be in real trouble, 319 00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:09,020 like when I was 17, and finally got my period 320 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:12,982 at a very loosely supervised petting zoo. 321 00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:14,834 - Once again, Lemon, I leave your office 322 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,221 more confused than when I entered, 323 00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:19,405 but having glimpsed yet another tile in the rich mosaic 324 00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:24,535 that is your menstrual history. 325 00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:26,996 - So bravo wants to do a reality show about us, 326 00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:28,568 and I thought the opening credits 327 00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:30,500 could be all of us in a giant dog bed, 328 00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:31,501 and you guys are suckling 329 00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:34,462 on prosthetic dog teats that I'm wearing. 330 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,589 - Actually, we had a different idea. 331 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:37,881 Now that Judy's gone, 332 00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:40,134 it's kind of obvious someone is the odd person out. 333 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:41,469 - It's Jerome, right? 334 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:42,921 I didn't want to say anything 335 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:43,638 'cause I was trying to be a good mother, 336 00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,682 but you're cheesy, and everyone hates you. 337 00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,267 - No, Jenna, you. 338 00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:49,394 - You're so much older than the rest of us, 339 00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:51,038 so we're thinking the show is more like 340 00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:52,062 the girls next door, 341 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:55,066 and you're that old boat captain that shows up sometimes. 342 00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:56,734 - That's Hugh Hefner, Jessica. 343 00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:58,778 - Yeah, we have no idea who that is, 344 00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:00,670 so you're kind of just proving our point. 345 00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:04,117 - I see. 346 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:08,496 Very well. 347 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,169 - Looking for this? 348 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,924 - Well played. 349 00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:23,469 - Oh... 350 00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,738 - Dude, what's up? 351 00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:46,075 - I'm just having a bad day, sir. 352 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:49,620 - All right, bro-bro, let's just be cool, 353 00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:53,249 and sit down and pee in silence, like dudes do. 354 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:55,960 - It's just... I started a new job, 355 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:58,129 and it's stressful enough 356 00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:01,174 just having my own waste basket that I have to fill every day 357 00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:03,509 without Liz Lemon yelling at me, 358 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:06,512 and I just wish I had never been born! 359 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,058 'Cause if I can't even get my friend Liz... 360 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,602 At least I thought she was my friend... 361 00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:14,496 To respect me, how will I ever run a network 362 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,940 and boss around those Jewish executives 363 00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:20,985 that were trained from birth to argue? 364 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:23,029 So, I should just give Liz what she wants, 365 00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:24,321 and quit. 366 00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:25,782 Bro... 367 00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:29,660 You should just smack that Liz in the mouth. 368 00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,079 - Sorry I babbled so much. 369 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,914 Thanks for listening. 370 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,916 I'm Kenneth, by the way. 371 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,876 - Me too. I'm Kenneth. 372 00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:39,045 Kenneth... uh... 373 00:14:39,337 --> 00:14:41,798 Toilethole. 374 00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:47,220 - I'm so sorry, Dr. Melvoin. 375 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:50,098 You know, I already apologized to vickie, and to fat vickie. 376 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,867 - Fat vickie's parents were very upset 377 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,202 that she was dragged into this mess. 378 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,561 - I know. I know what I did was stupid, 379 00:14:55,853 --> 00:14:57,397 and I've really learned my lesson. 380 00:14:57,688 --> 00:15:00,024 Look, if I could go back in time, 381 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:01,943 I'd just... I'd skip clarinet, 382 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,195 and I'd go to the spring football with my friends, 383 00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:06,197 and none of this ever would've happened. 384 00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:08,574 - Or you simply could have not posted those pictures. 385 00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,427 On hot vickie's YouFace page, miss Hooper. 386 00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:11,619 - Uh, hold on, Melvoin. 387 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,496 You told me it was the piano, 388 00:15:13,788 --> 00:15:15,957 and that everyone went to the King of prussia mall. 389 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:19,710 - Well... 390 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,088 I don't remember. 391 00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:24,549 And I'm just so emotional right now. 392 00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:30,138 Ha! 393 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:34,326 - I'm sorry, how are you related to miss Hooper? 394 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,185 - I'm her Nemesis. 395 00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:37,478 - You bastard. 396 00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,605 Don't do this, Donaghy. 397 00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:40,937 - I think that this school 398 00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:42,650 has done everything it can for Kaylie, 399 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:46,487 but the only fitting punishment... 400 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:47,780 Is expulsion. 401 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:50,032 - It's days like this that remind me 402 00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:54,203 why I got into teaching in the first place. 403 00:15:57,498 --> 00:15:59,041 - Kenneth, we need to talk. 404 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:00,835 - I don't know, 'cause someone 405 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,527 who actually cares about my feelings 406 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,115 told me to smack you in the mouth. 407 00:16:04,255 --> 00:16:06,466 - No, don't listen to Kenneth toilethole. 408 00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:08,676 - You know him? - Yeah. He's great. 409 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,596 We should all go get dinner sometime. 410 00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,681 Kenneth, you can do this job, 411 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,225 and I do respect you. 412 00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:17,877 - Then wash my feet with your hair. 413 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,937 - No! But I did completely rewrite the show. 414 00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:23,691 We're not even using the word "dingbat," Mr. Parcell. 415 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,027 - A Parcell man has never been called "mister" 416 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,488 outside of an execution chamber. 417 00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:30,323 - Oh, boy. 418 00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:36,579 The blonde ones, they turned on me. 419 00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:39,332 They threw me away like I was some kind of Judy. 420 00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:41,709 Oh, god. Is this how Judy felt? 421 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,586 Judy was nice and sweet 422 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,880 and wanted to get a coffee enema or something, 423 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,216 and I treated her like garbage. 424 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,110 - Well, then why don't you apologize to her? 425 00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:51,177 She's right behind you. 426 00:16:51,469 --> 00:16:52,887 - Oh. 427 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:57,183 Judy, you're so beautiful now! 428 00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,644 Oh. 429 00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:02,146 - I just came to say good-bye before I head home. 430 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,023 I wish we had spent more time together, 431 00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:05,858 but I guess I'll see you on TV. 432 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,150 - No. Of all my children, 433 00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:07,944 you're the only one that proves 434 00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:09,612 there's any good in me. 435 00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:10,904 Forget TV. 436 00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:12,698 Let's go get that coffee now. 437 00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,867 - No. You know you can't do that. 438 00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:17,954 - One minute. One minute to air. 439 00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:19,765 I have to stop Jenna from leaving. You just... 440 00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:20,873 - no problem. I'll cover. 441 00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:21,624 Day two of my fast, and you were right. 442 00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,627 My mind is clear, and I'm sharp as a tack. 443 00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:25,919 - Great, tray, thanks. 444 00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:26,712 - My brain is working overtime. 445 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:29,004 I finally understand the ending of the sixth sense. 446 00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:31,717 Those names are the people who worked on the movie. 447 00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:32,510 Oh, yeah, and I just got 448 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,512 what you were trying to tell me yesterday. 449 00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:36,514 You want me to do my filthy stand-up act 450 00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:38,933 instead of reading the cue cards. 451 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,225 - No. 452 00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:43,771 Jack! Help! 453 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,065 - I was right about Kaylie, and I crushed her. 454 00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:47,357 - That's great. I need... 455 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:48,752 - the whole time, she was playing me, 456 00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:50,170 but in the end, she made the biggest mistake. 457 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,838 She could not have been worse in that meeting 458 00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:54,699 than if she had wanted me to... 459 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,492 Son of a dingbat! 460 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,764 - Tracy's gonna do his stand-up act on the show! 461 00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,957 What are we gonna do? 462 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,876 - I'm gonna live bleep him. 463 00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:09,880 Normally, I'd have to get permission from Irene first, 464 00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:12,550 but there isn't time. 465 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,396 - You know why I love Dominican women? 466 00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:28,608 'Cause they love to those big 467 00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:30,568 'Cause they eat all our aloud. 468 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:32,945 I'd like to introduce housed in a 469 00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:34,905 , booooy! 470 00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:37,825 You just ate a with extra? 471 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,493 Well, you called the right. 472 00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:40,911 That's our show for tonight! 473 00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:44,415 See you next week! 474 00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:46,959 - That was amazing! - It sure was. 475 00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:49,462 Kenneth, I'm Gaylord Felcher. 476 00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:50,754 - The head of standards? 477 00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,632 - I have never seen bleeping like that, 478 00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:54,216 so guess what? 479 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,111 I'm promoting you, you little -face. 480 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,295 - All right, Felcher, you don't have to talk like that. 481 00:18:58,512 --> 00:18:59,930 - Well, who's gonna stop me? 482 00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:04,560 Who among you has the power to censor the censor? 483 00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:11,859 - What a surprise. 484 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,570 Whatever are you doing here, Kaylie Hooper? 485 00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,782 - Enjoying my total lack of adult supervision. 486 00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:20,242 I just had fruit roll-ups for dinner... 487 00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:21,952 At a strip club. 488 00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:27,375 You wanted to get expelled from school, didn't you? 489 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,877 - Look who figured it out. 490 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,754 It only took you, oh, I don't know, 491 00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:33,047 a million hours. 492 00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:36,133 - You didn't lie to me about getting sent to school 493 00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:37,505 in the "middle of nowhere." 494 00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:38,886 What I realized too late is, 495 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,263 you were talking about beekman academy, 496 00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:42,765 right here in Manhattan, 497 00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,534 in the neighborhood north of ware street, 498 00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:46,977 otherwise known as, uh, "noware." 499 00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:50,022 - Now I'll be able to be close to my boyfriend Henry. 500 00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,233 Like hot vickie could ever steal him from me. 501 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:56,195 He's going to NYU. To study acting. 502 00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,382 - If pop-pop had gone to that meeting, 503 00:19:58,406 --> 00:19:59,115 he would have just written a check 504 00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:00,574 and made it all go away. 505 00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:03,536 - You needed somebody to throw you under the bus. 506 00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:05,121 You needed a patsy. 507 00:20:08,332 --> 00:20:09,959 I, uh, couldn't help but notice 508 00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,795 that lacrosse ball in your backpack. 509 00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,232 Too bad I'm on the board of the central park conservancy, 510 00:20:15,256 --> 00:20:18,175 so beekman won't have a field to play on next year. 511 00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:21,178 - Well, good, 'cause I planted that lacrosse ball there 512 00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:24,056 to get back at a girl I hate who plays lacrosse. 513 00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:26,058 Her name is Jack... Ie. 514 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,061 Jackie... officecouch. 515 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:30,813 Damn you, Donaghy! 516 00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:37,111 - Cato? Seriously, not tonight. 517 00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:38,403 I mean it this time. 518 00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:39,571 Aah! 519 00:20:39,822 --> 00:20:41,282 Son of a dingbat! 520 00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,828 - Sorry. That phone call took forever. 521 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,788 Where's Kenneth toilethole? 522 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,290 - You just missed him. 523 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:50,582 Again. 524 00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:52,752 - He had to go to the bathroom. 525 00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,378 - You know what? I'll go get him. 526 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:55,838 - No, don't! 527 00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:59,717 Every time one of you leaves, the other one comes back. 528 00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:02,762 You know, I'm starting to suspect 529 00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:05,264 that I have bad luck. 530 00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:08,476 - Dude, bro, where's Liz? 531 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:09,810 - You didn't see her? 532 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,102 She just left. 533 00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,647 - Oh! I gotta go feed the meter. 534 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,441 - Oh!