1 00:00:03,795 --> 00:00:05,005 - What? 2 00:00:05,297 --> 00:00:06,691 - Lemon, I'm gonna be late for our meeting. 3 00:00:06,715 --> 00:00:08,115 I had to get out of my car and walk. 4 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:11,470 Fifth Avenue is closed for a joint pain walkathon. 5 00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:14,139 It's only four blocks but they are so slow. 6 00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:15,641 - I'm running late, too. 7 00:00:15,933 --> 00:00:18,310 My subway ride was the standard amazingness. 8 00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:21,230 No, that's not how it works. 9 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,524 Let people off first, otherwise... 10 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,455 - the train's going express for no reason. 11 00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:27,962 - Next stop, one millionth street 12 00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:29,255 and central park jogger memorial highway. 13 00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:30,548 - Am I the last one in this city 14 00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:32,908 still following the rules of being a person? 15 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,285 You know what, New York is overrated. 16 00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:40,874 - ♪ Three bucks, two bags, one me ♪ 17 00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:42,793 Say, where does a young prostitute 18 00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:44,670 get started in this town? 19 00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:45,629 - Overrated? 20 00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:47,506 Lemon, we live in the world capital 21 00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:50,259 of culture, finance and King Kong attacks. 22 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,803 New York is a testament to man's greatness. 23 00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:55,430 No, New York is a testament to man's selfishness. 24 00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:58,433 I quote, "she is a thug in a cocktail dress." 25 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,477 Alex mccord, real housewives of New York. 26 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:01,937 - Give me your wallet. 27 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,290 - Now, technically that was about Luann being a bitch 28 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:04,856 at Sonia's art show. 29 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:07,192 But... hey, you never let me talk 30 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:08,610 about h-wives this long. 31 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,182 - Let's just get this over with. 32 00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,989 - Okay, well, I don't know if Sonja's ever 33 00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:13,865 gonna finish that toaster oven cookbook, 34 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,576 but if she does, I am gonna buy it. 35 00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:24,835 ♪ ♪ 36 00:01:34,136 --> 00:01:36,513 - Ugh, I can actually feel myself getting sick. 37 00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:38,056 Am I the only person who saw 38 00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:40,309 Obama's press conference on how to sneeze? 39 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,773 - Miss Lemon, the NBC gym sent this up for you. 40 00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:48,275 - Oh, what is that smell?! 41 00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:49,943 - It's my gym bag, Pete. 42 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:50,944 Women do sweat. 43 00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:52,916 - The gym said the odor was attracting bugs 44 00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:55,574 that were attracting bats that were attracting bat-hawks. 45 00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,117 Oh, also, the gym is closed. 46 00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,870 - Well, don't worry, I will wash my workout clothes 47 00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:02,789 because I actually care how my behavior affects other people. 48 00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:04,916 Unlike the d-bag who let the elevator door 49 00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:06,209 close on me this morning. 50 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:07,520 It was funny because 51 00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:08,544 you were so mad. 52 00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:10,547 - Boy, when I move on to my new job 53 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:13,675 I'm sure gonna miss you two and your whole Sam and Diane thing. 54 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,719 Uh, Sam and Diane are the lesbian couple 55 00:02:16,011 --> 00:02:19,181 in my building who murdered each other. 56 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,601 - Is this my costume for the commercial parody? 57 00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:24,853 It's in my contract that I only play blondes, 58 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,981 non-Irish redheads, or bald sex robots. 59 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:30,043 - Look, it's just for the old lady before picture. 60 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,085 People won't even know it's you. 61 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:32,189 - Well then have Liz do it. 62 00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:33,862 She already has the frown lines. 63 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,322 There, there they are. 64 00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:37,508 How funny, I was just talking about them and there they are. 65 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:40,202 - As always, I will step up and help 66 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,734 because without people like me, 67 00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:43,914 civil society collapses completely. 68 00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:46,500 - Oh, don't be so dramatic. That's my thing. 69 00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:48,770 And if you take it away from me, I will kill myself. 70 00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:51,171 And then you. 71 00:02:51,463 --> 00:02:54,132 - Oh, I'm sorry we're starting so late. 72 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:57,344 I know we're all very excited to adjust the TGS schedule 73 00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:59,012 to accommodate Tracy's next movie. 74 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,348 - I won an Oscar, so now I get to do real art. 75 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:03,684 Begin snow dogs phase. 76 00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:05,602 - There was a lot of traffic and, uh, 77 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:08,689 I was attacked in a construction tunnel. 78 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:11,060 Anyway, uh, this spreadsheet is the current schedule. 79 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:11,817 - Wait, you got mugged? 80 00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:14,403 Oh, I shouldn't hug you, I'm sick. 81 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,531 This lamp is you. 82 00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:19,366 Ow, hot! 83 00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:21,660 - That sucks, J.D. 84 00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:23,912 I got mugged all the time growing up in the Bronx. 85 00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:26,289 - Okay, I got in trouble the last time I said this, 86 00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,709 but maybe you were asking for it dressed like that. 87 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,545 - I wasn't wearing a tuxedo at the time, Lemon. 88 00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:33,130 The mugger took my cufflinks. 89 00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,048 All I have here are tuxedo cufflinks 90 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:38,593 and I'm not about to wear them with a suit... 91 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:39,885 And look like an idiot. 92 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,221 - Give me the bad news. 93 00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:43,098 How black was this dude? 94 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:46,268 On a scale from Lisa Bonet to Dotcom. 95 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,311 - This is the thing that's bothering me. 96 00:03:48,603 --> 00:03:51,648 My assailant was a middle-aged white man 97 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:54,317 wearing a button down shirt and dockers. 98 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:55,861 Dockers! 99 00:03:56,153 --> 00:03:58,822 Not some drug addict or gang aficionado. 100 00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,615 His knife was from Eddie Bauer. 101 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,534 - Oh, my god. 102 00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:05,537 That means... 103 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:06,997 Please interrupt me. 104 00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,498 - This is a sign. 105 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,542 The lower classes are getting cranky 106 00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,645 about the rich earning all of their money away from them. 107 00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:15,630 Can't they see this is in their best interest? 108 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:18,925 How could we pay their salaries without using their money? 109 00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:21,553 We're on the verge of a class war. 110 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:22,888 - There's no class war. 111 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,724 You getting mugged just proves what I said to you on the phone. 112 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:28,018 New York is a selfish filth-monster, 113 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:29,630 and eventually, it gets all of us. 114 00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,088 It's Ghostbusters 2 all over again. 115 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:33,398 - No, my getting mugged was New York doing 116 00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:37,110 what she does best... Calling a great man to action. 117 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,654 It's the original Ghostbusters all over again. 118 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,281 My attack was a wakeup call. 119 00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:43,617 The rich need to defend themselves. 120 00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:45,285 - I don't know, Jack. 121 00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:48,705 You can try to change New York, but it's like Jay-Z says. 122 00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:50,957 "Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up. 123 00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:54,127 There's nothing you can do." 124 00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:57,379 - That's a wrap. 125 00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:58,566 That commercial parody 126 00:04:58,590 --> 00:04:59,883 is gonna be hilarious. - Uh-huh. 127 00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:03,887 - What's a commercial? 128 00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:06,807 - Oh, my god. 129 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:08,391 You sound terrible. 130 00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:11,812 - Oh... is that brain? 131 00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:14,856 Hopefully it's not an important parg of my blurn. 132 00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,399 - Please, don't get me sick. 133 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,109 Paul's finally coming home tonight. 134 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,278 And his sexpectations will be high. 135 00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:21,850 - Maybe I should wear this home. 136 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,716 Show Chris what he'll be looking at in 40 years. 137 00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:28,411 Looser skin, same underwear. 138 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:30,831 Hey, Pete, can I have a car home tonight? 139 00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:32,682 I'm old and very sick. 140 00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,751 And there's a monk rerun on. 141 00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:37,838 I'm sorry, I'm losing my voice. 142 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:39,729 There's a monk rerun on. - Nope, no dice. 143 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,692 I can't order you a car unless it's after 9:00, 144 00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:43,116 or you have a note from your killer. 145 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,345 - Aw. 146 00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:47,681 - So you got mugged, huh, Mr. Donaghy? 147 00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:49,293 And you caught the guy who did it. 148 00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:50,432 Good for you. 149 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:53,311 - Oh, no, len, Tracey is helping me with this. 150 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:54,963 - But I can see how you went there. 151 00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:56,773 I have a criminal skull shape. 152 00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:59,818 - Len, commissioner Kelly and I are friends. 153 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:02,863 We have competing columns in Irish arguments weekly, 154 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:04,990 america's only all-caps magazine, 155 00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:07,563 but Ray hasn't returned my phone call, and I know that you 156 00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:08,994 were once a police officer. 157 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:10,829 - I was part of a special task force 158 00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:15,876 of very young-looking cops who infiltrated high schools. 159 00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:17,247 How do you do, fellow kids? 160 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:18,545 - What? 161 00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:20,189 - So I'm glad you called me, Mr. Donaghy. 162 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,674 I checked with my contacts on the force 163 00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,217 and got you this free pamphlet. 164 00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:26,261 - Len, I don't want a pamphlet. 165 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:27,804 I want a show of force. 166 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:30,599 A demonstration of who's in control of this city. 167 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,267 I want a cop on every corner. 168 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,102 - Look, that's not gonna happen. 169 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,437 It's just one mugging. 170 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,022 - Wait a second. 171 00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:37,898 Where did you get that suit? 172 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,232 - I'm not embarrassed. 173 00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,735 I get all my outfits at Ann Taylor loft. 174 00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,587 Their clothes fit my body and my budget. 175 00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:44,946 - Exactly, budget. 176 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:46,656 You have no interest in helping me. 177 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:47,948 You're one of them. 178 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,273 What do you make? Five figures? 179 00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:50,869 - 40 grand a year. 180 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:53,361 But don't let the woman who's blackmailing me know that. 181 00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:55,575 - And the police have no interest in helping me either 182 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:58,168 despite the hundreds of dollars I pay every year in taxes. 183 00:06:58,460 --> 00:06:59,562 They think that I'm the enemy. 184 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,087 - We have no choice but to 185 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:02,659 take matters into our own hands. 186 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,884 - I agree! - You do? Oh, no! 187 00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:21,983 No, if I sneeze, I'll do it like the president taught me. 188 00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:33,912 I'm pregnant with a kitty cat. 189 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,998 Those are my popsicles! 190 00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:50,595 - Well, hello, sexy. 191 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,222 - Hello, Paul. 192 00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:53,794 I'm wearing an edible nightgown. 193 00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:56,685 It's breadstick flavor and it comes with a dipping sauce. 194 00:07:58,103 --> 00:07:59,312 - Oh, you poor thing. 195 00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:00,772 You must be so tired. 196 00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:02,208 - Oh, no, no, no, not at all. 197 00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:03,334 I have been thinking about this night 198 00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,110 for a long time. 199 00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:08,697 Uh-oh, yawns are contagious. 200 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,241 Like all the Thai stds my penis is about to give you. 201 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,201 - Ooh. 202 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:17,622 - Okay, well, give me five minutes and then I'll unpack... 203 00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,836 The sex monkey I bought in Jakarta. 204 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,128 - Ooh. 205 00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:34,431 - What... what happened last night? 206 00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:38,018 - We talked for a while and then we fell asleep. 207 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,436 Without doing anything. 208 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:42,022 - W... how is that possible? 209 00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:43,440 We are Jenna and Paul. 210 00:08:43,732 --> 00:08:45,817 Did we mix up our days and accidentally 211 00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:47,109 both roofie each other? 212 00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:48,695 - Or did we just fall asleep? 213 00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:51,031 - What like some boring, normal, sit-Com couple? 214 00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:53,241 Like, Mr. Brady and tiger the dog? 215 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,617 - Let's just think. 216 00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:56,786 We hate normal. 217 00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,121 Normal is death. 218 00:08:58,413 --> 00:09:00,999 But we didn't hate last night. 219 00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:03,835 So, it must not have been normal. 220 00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:08,089 Paul, I think we just found another level of sexuality. 221 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,759 It's a whole new fetish called... 222 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,385 Both: Normalling. 223 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:15,180 - So last night, I napped on you 224 00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:17,265 and you liked it, you sick bitch. 225 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:18,558 - Oh, yeah. 226 00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:21,936 And I put that Afghan all over you 227 00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:24,189 because I thought your feet might get chilly. 228 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:25,482 - So chilly. 229 00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,776 - Oh, I just had the sickest idea. 230 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,028 We go out as a couple to bed, bath and beyond 231 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,739 and shop for home necessities. 232 00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,617 In front of everybody. 233 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,411 - Normalling in public? You delicious whore. 234 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:42,707 - Really, trump? My idea is stupid? 235 00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:44,310 Well you make your hair every morning 236 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:47,504 by sticking your head in a cotton candy machine. 237 00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:48,836 - What are you guys doing? 238 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,840 - The police can't be counted on 239 00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:52,852 to protect the rich unless they're rich too. 240 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:55,845 So we're gathering support for a private police department 241 00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:57,931 where the starting salary is... 242 00:09:58,223 --> 00:09:59,223 $5 million a year. 243 00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,349 - How's that going? 244 00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:01,475 - Slowly. 245 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:02,977 Even Tommy Hilfiger turned me down 246 00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:04,789 and you'd think that he, of all people, 247 00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:07,099 would understand the lower classes can ruin something. 248 00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:10,819 - Plaxico Burress just called our idea "poorly thought out". 249 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,631 Then hung up by shooting his own phone. 250 00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:13,947 - This is a travesty. 251 00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:16,616 The wealthy were once the heart of New York. 252 00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:18,344 I just don't understand this city anymore. 253 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:23,164 - That's funny, because I may have just figured it out. 254 00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:32,507 I used to be like you, 255 00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,843 thinking I could make the city follow my rules. 256 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,846 I told off line cutters and movie theater talkers. 257 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,305 And for what? 258 00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:42,433 Did anyone cheer me, or name a sandwich after me 259 00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:44,445 that would maybe be Turkey, pastrami, Swiss, 260 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:47,522 Russian dressing, Cole slaw and potato chips? 261 00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:50,275 You can't count on anyone else in this city, Jack. 262 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:53,653 All you can do is sink down into the filth. 263 00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,698 - Or rise above it. 264 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,658 If no one will help me, I'll do it myself. 265 00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:01,202 I'll remind New York of what she once was. 266 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,830 - Yes, a native American paradise! 267 00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:06,082 - The greatest city on earth. 268 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,750 A city that needs a leader 269 00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,478 who still believes in order and justice. 270 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,212 Who'll shine a light into all the tunnels 271 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,256 and police the police, 272 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:15,758 who'll make this city into a beacon, 273 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,303 lighting the way for an entire nation. 274 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:21,556 - Anyhoo, Tracy, in the dog boner sketch. 275 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:25,810 - I hereby officially announce my candidacy... 276 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:29,647 For the office of mayor of the city of New York. 277 00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:33,359 Vote for Jack Donaghy. 278 00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:35,612 Slogan to come. 279 00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:39,971 - You know if we got cloth place mats 280 00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:41,802 then we could just throw them in the laundry. 281 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:44,621 - Well, these vinyl ones say dishwasher safe, that's easy. 282 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:47,040 - Yeah, easy for the person who never does the dishes. 283 00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,336 What we're doing is so sick, right? 284 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,087 How many times have you climaxed? 285 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,005 - Zero. 286 00:11:54,297 --> 00:11:55,297 - Me too. 287 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,548 Bathroom organizers! 288 00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,801 - Oh! 289 00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,012 - Good news for your campaign, J.D. 290 00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:02,722 I got a huge list of voter names. 291 00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:05,642 Do you know anyone who wants to be called Daryl Weenus? 292 00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:09,103 - I just registered the domain name for my campaign website... 293 00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,522 Jack-Donaghy-is-running for-mayor-2013 294 00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:13,316 new-York-this-is the-website.com. 295 00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:14,901 That's as close as I could get. 296 00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:17,362 Everything else was already pornography. 297 00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:20,365 - I got everything on your list, Mr. Donaghy, 298 00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,242 fresh undershirts from vattene, 299 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,202 18-year-old scotch for your bar, 300 00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:25,954 and, just for fun, 301 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,831 I also got you these goofy water balloons 302 00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:31,918 my mom's friend Ron used to always send me out to buy. 303 00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:35,672 - Thank you, Kenneth. 304 00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,674 - I know they're condoms. 305 00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,717 - All right, Tracy, let's buckle down. 306 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,010 Now that I've restocked, 307 00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:44,305 we never have to leave this office. 308 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,601 - Hang on... Have you not left this building 309 00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:49,936 since you were mugged? 310 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,438 - What? Uh, no, I've been very busy. 311 00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:54,330 - What about your daughter? - Liddy is at 312 00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:55,919 a baby leadership conference this week. 313 00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:56,984 The timing is perfect. 314 00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:58,315 - I know what you're doing. 315 00:12:58,528 --> 00:12:59,112 The first time I got mugged, 316 00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:00,724 I didn't leave my room for a week. 317 00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:02,573 I hid, but not in a tuxedo. 318 00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:04,951 All I had was a Chewbacca costume 319 00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:06,995 made out of used hair extensions. 320 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,080 It made me feel invincible. 321 00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,790 Like someone who wouldn't get scared 322 00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:13,084 and freeze up when they got mugged. 323 00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:16,254 - Perfectly-executed Chewbacca sounds! 324 00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:18,840 - That's why you won't take off that tuxedo, 325 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,532 that's why you're running for mayor, 326 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,260 and that's why you won't go outside. 327 00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:23,219 - You're scared. 328 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,530 - The only thing I'm scared of 329 00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:25,834 is what's happening to this city. 330 00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:27,366 - Then I'm gonna say to you what I say 331 00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:29,392 to all my sharks right before they die. 332 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:32,020 Let's go outside. 333 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,607 Oh, Jenna, I have a friend... 334 00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,168 - yeah, well I have a million friends. 335 00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,712 I get so many birthday cards it's embarrassing. 336 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,654 - No, I have a "friend" 337 00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,656 who wants to freak out some new yorkers, 338 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:46,075 and I know you and Paul disgust everyone. 339 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,453 - Oh, he and I are on a whole new level. 340 00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:50,788 This morning, Paul and I signed up for zipcar. 341 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:54,917 Now it's easier to get to Costco to stock up on cereal. 342 00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:56,669 - Lee, I need the old lady wig again. 343 00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,464 Oh, and get me that coat that Tracy's dog gave birth on. 344 00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:00,840 - A Costco run, huh? 345 00:14:01,132 --> 00:14:02,300 You sound like me and Paula. 346 00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:03,885 - No, Pete you don't understand. 347 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:05,177 This is normalling. 348 00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:06,554 It's a weird sex thing. 349 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:10,224 Paul and I do things like reboot the Internet 350 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,727 and discuss whether the chair would be better... 351 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,496 - over by the window where there's more light? 352 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,980 Yeah, that... that's not a sex thing. 353 00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:17,315 That's just couple stuff. 354 00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:19,626 Hey, you and Paul should come by the house sometime. 355 00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:21,128 We'll have dinner, play Scattergories. 356 00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:23,571 - No, that's not what this is. 357 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:24,863 You get away from me! 358 00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:26,949 Scattergories. 359 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,498 Where? Where? 360 00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:35,875 - Miss Lemon, are you okay? 361 00:14:36,167 --> 00:14:38,378 Oh, you smell like when the stone mountain tire fire 362 00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:39,909 joined up with the corpse fire, 363 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:43,091 and then swept through the downtown manure district. 364 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,092 It was our fault for letting 365 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,984 those high schoolers dance at their prom. 366 00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:47,762 - Oh, I'm better than okay, Kenneth. 367 00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,138 I'm going to the movies. 368 00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,099 - But you're sick. - I am sick. 369 00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:52,934 Sick like a fox. 370 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,495 I'm gonna clear out that whole theater 371 00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:57,313 and watch a sneak peak of the hunger games by myself. 372 00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,440 It'll be my greatest triumph. 373 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,734 There's a Q&A afterwards with... 374 00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:03,653 Eh, the screenwriter? Bleh. 375 00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:05,655 - Miss Lemon, this isn't you. 376 00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:07,073 You love rules. 377 00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:09,158 Try to remember. 378 00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:10,701 Remember who you once were. 379 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,328 - What did the rules ever get me? 380 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:13,996 The worst seat at the movies? 381 00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:16,499 A bunch of music that I paid for? 382 00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:18,209 A drawer full of leaky batteries 383 00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:20,086 that I don't know what to do with? 384 00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:21,045 Rules? 385 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,880 There's only one rule now, Kenneth. 386 00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,091 Plastic cups go on the top rack 387 00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:27,093 of the dishwasher so they don't melt. 388 00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:30,221 Otherwise, no rules. 389 00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:41,941 ♪ ♪ 390 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:45,778 - Well, well, well. 391 00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:48,948 If isn't the tuxedo himself. 392 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:54,662 Shouldn't you be outside, fixing the city? 393 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:58,124 - Well you look even closer to death than usual. 394 00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:01,085 What happened to you? - Are you scared? 395 00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:03,045 The back of the "b" train certainly was. 396 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,047 I had the whole car to myself. 397 00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:08,009 - So this is you figuring out New York? 398 00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:12,305 Making the city worse for your own selfish ends? 399 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,394 - Is that your gym bag? 400 00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,480 Aren't you a human woman? 401 00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:22,148 - It's these new microfibers. 402 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:23,900 They keep you dry 403 00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:27,111 but it all has to go somewhere. 404 00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:30,740 - So, today a subway car, tomorrow, what? 405 00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:34,535 All in good time, Jack. 406 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,722 - Will you take something for that cough already? 407 00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,586 - I'd rather see if it gets better on it's own. 408 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:40,625 Do you want me to go on my antibiotic rant? 409 00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:43,044 It's endless. You'll beg for death. 410 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:45,379 - There's a war going on out there. 411 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,673 And you're gonna have to pick a side. 412 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,205 I've always wanted to say that, 413 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,260 and I can't believe I've wasted it on you. 414 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:58,559 - You've crossed a line, Lemon. 415 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:01,854 Someone's gonna stop you. New York is gonna stop you. 416 00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:04,148 - The old Liz would have agreed with you. 417 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:05,942 But that was two days ago. 418 00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:09,195 Now, I don't cross lines, 419 00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:14,116 I just make 'em... Disappear. 420 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,289 - Hey, hon, I got your g-chat. 421 00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:21,874 Two exclamation points, huh? 422 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:23,334 What's up? 423 00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:25,962 - Paul, what if normalling isn't a fetish? 424 00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:28,414 What if we're just in another phase of our relationship 425 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:31,968 and we're kind of... Settling down? 426 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,055 - That's what one of my work colleagues said. 427 00:17:36,347 --> 00:17:37,427 - That's just couple stuff. 428 00:17:37,682 --> 00:17:39,725 You know what, you and Jenna should come visit me 429 00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:41,102 and my wife in montclair. 430 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,895 - But if Daryl Weenus is right, 431 00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:45,565 if we're just a couple, why don't we hate it? 432 00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:46,856 - I don't know. 433 00:17:46,983 --> 00:17:48,126 I always imagined this kind of thing 434 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,444 would make me wanna tear my hair out and rip my skin off. 435 00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:53,364 But with you, it feels as natural as... 436 00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:56,409 - having someone tear your hair out and rip your skin off. 437 00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,971 - I never thought this would happen to me, but I can actually 438 00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,706 imagine myself getting married, having kids. 439 00:18:01,998 --> 00:18:03,791 - But is this really what we want? 440 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,918 - I don't know. 441 00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:07,210 What are you thinking? 442 00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:08,254 - What are you thinking? 443 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,065 - Okay, we'll both say what we're thinking 444 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,089 on the count of three. 445 00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:12,842 One... two... 446 00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:14,134 Both: Sexual walkabout. 447 00:18:14,302 --> 00:18:15,928 We spend the next three months alone, 448 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,014 doing every depraved thing we can think of 449 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:19,640 with as many people as we can 450 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,351 and if this, right now, is still the happiest 451 00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:27,440 we can make ourselves, we'll stay together forever. 452 00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:31,736 - Next stop, dinner and a private show. 453 00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:33,028 Gym bag, check. 454 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:36,949 Tupperware vat of steamed broccoli, check. 455 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:40,036 Talking to myself to seem crazy... moo-goo! 456 00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:42,580 Wallet. 457 00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:44,582 No, not wow. 458 00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:46,459 Not when I'm so close. 459 00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,669 Not enough time! 460 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:49,961 My plan. 461 00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:56,927 - Come on, Donaghy. 462 00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:59,096 You've skied mount St. Helen's, 463 00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,682 made eye contact with Michelle bachmann, 464 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,685 been trapped under a Boulder for 128 hours. 465 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,688 You're not scared of anything. 466 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:10,900 - Gimme $20! 467 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,448 - Lemon! 468 00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:20,117 Oh, my tail bone. 469 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,703 I just wanted to borrow movie money. 470 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,395 - You caught that lunatic that's been terrorizing the subway. 471 00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:30,044 The worst criminal in ♪ n-y-c ♪ 472 00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,754 - Oh, my god, are you okay? 473 00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:33,046 - That was awesome. 474 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:36,342 You were so fast and strong. - Thank you, Lemon. 475 00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:38,194 You're the only woman I could ever fight 476 00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:39,428 to regain my manhood. 477 00:19:43,099 --> 00:19:44,975 - They're cheering you for stopping me. 478 00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:49,021 Old Liz was right. People do want rules! 479 00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:50,624 - There's good in all of us, Lemon. 480 00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:51,816 Even you. 481 00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:53,588 - So, are you still running for mayor? 482 00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:56,987 - The city no longer needs me. 483 00:19:57,279 --> 00:19:59,490 For now. 484 00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,249 - Reminds me of us. 485 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:09,861 - I'll never forget the first time 486 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,269 you dressed up like and old lady 487 00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:13,838 and I threw you into some garbage. 488 00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,798 - Good-bye, my love. 489 00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:17,090 For now. 490 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,559 - New York City. 491 00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:28,686 Villains and heroes. 492 00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:31,063 The 1 % and the 99. 493 00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:34,108 8 million people in this crazy, beautiful city, 494 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,068 and I, Jenna Maroney, 495 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:40,614 am going to go to town on every last one of them.