1 00:00:02,085 --> 00:00:04,046 Both: ♪ hush, island baby ♪ 2 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:06,048 ♪ tomorrow you shuck the cane ♪ 3 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,842 ♪ your little fingers bloody ♪ 4 00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:12,429 ♪ prepare to be whipped ♪ 5 00:00:12,721 --> 00:00:15,057 She's asleep. 6 00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:20,103 Hey, it's mommy! 7 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:21,980 I'm in Beijing! - Shh. 8 00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,352 Liddy just went to sleep. - Well, wake here up, Jack. 9 00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:26,235 She needs to hear her mommy's voice. 10 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,167 - No, when she's ready, Dr. Kevorkian says 11 00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:29,571 we have to put her down. 12 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:30,924 He's a very good pediatrician, 13 00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:32,228 but that is an unfortunate name. 14 00:00:32,407 --> 00:00:33,927 - Oh, come on, she'll fall back asleep. 15 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,118 - No. Call back tomorrow. 16 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:36,995 She has babynomics at 11:00. 17 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:38,747 - Liddy! It's your mother! 18 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:42,292 Imprinting! Imprinting! 19 00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:47,047 - God, Tracy could have cleaned up before he left. 20 00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:50,008 And why did he leave all this soda here? 21 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,820 - What are you doing? That's his urine. 22 00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:53,887 - He is not well. 23 00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:56,765 Someday this place is gonna be a kickass duplex, 24 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,097 like on different strokes. 25 00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,143 - Conrad bain once slapped me in a men's room. 26 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,163 - I've just gotta get rid of all these boxes. 27 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:04,106 I don't even know what this stuff is anymore. 28 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:10,487 - Comence a estudiar these, but then yo gave up. 29 00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:13,115 Here's the novel I never finished. 30 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,700 - Hmm... 31 00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:18,829 "Liz stabbed Jenna repeatedly." 32 00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:20,121 The secret? 33 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:21,529 I gave you this five years ago. 34 00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:23,166 You still haven't read it? - Ehh... 35 00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:25,502 - It works, Liz. Look at me. 36 00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:27,296 Ever since I started secreting, 37 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:30,257 I've become a TV star, I found my soul mate, 38 00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:33,010 you saw how flat Gwyneth Paltrow sang at the oscars... 39 00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:35,554 I visualized all of that. 40 00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:37,526 - Jenna, the only way to make things happen 41 00:01:37,556 --> 00:01:39,516 in the real world is by taking action. 42 00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:40,808 - Oh, I've taken action. 43 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:43,437 It dries your mouth out, but the sex is amazing. 44 00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:45,606 - No, I'm talking about taking control. 45 00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:47,774 Like I do every day at work. 46 00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:49,526 I found Tracy, I saved the show. 47 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:52,446 I always think of a third thing when I'm listing stuff. 48 00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:54,007 - If taking control is so great, 49 00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:56,325 then how do you explain your personal life? 50 00:01:56,617 --> 00:02:00,495 - I mean, look at the post-it note on your sweater. 51 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,664 - Oh, boy. 52 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,250 You're right. 53 00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:06,251 I just have to care about myself 54 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,253 as much as I care about work. 55 00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:09,545 Starting right now. 56 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:10,830 I'm gonna clean this apartment 57 00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,799 while I learn Spanish. 58 00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:14,819 - Last year, I used the secret to learn Spanish, 59 00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:15,969 and now I'm fluent. 60 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:17,461 Rosa, 61 00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:19,473 I know you stole my necklace. 62 00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:22,059 I'll have your son deported. 63 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:25,479 Oh, wait, I found my necklace. 64 00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:26,980 - Oh, boy. 65 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:37,816 ♪ ♪ 66 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:46,249 - Great news, Jack. 67 00:02:46,541 --> 00:02:49,503 I've got a new life philosophy that I call Lizbeanism. 68 00:02:49,795 --> 00:02:51,880 - I see. And how did you come up with that name? 69 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,412 - Well, I'm Liz, and obviously, 70 00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:55,634 my philosophy is simple, like a bean. 71 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,552 I'm fixing problems in my personal life 72 00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,429 the same way I fix problems at work. 73 00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:02,391 I saved the show, now I'm gonna save me! 74 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,936 Because Lizbeanism means that I am a dyke... 75 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,730 Against the rising waters of mediocrity. 76 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,822 - Good for you, Lemon. - Check this out, Jack. 77 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:13,110 Tile samples. First, I redo the bathroom, 78 00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:16,446 then I redo the whole apartment, and then the world. 79 00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:19,199 - I'm impressed, Lemon. You're talking like a winner. 80 00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:21,702 I'm going to give you... 81 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,498 One of my neckties. 82 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:31,744 - This is a big moment for me. 83 00:03:31,795 --> 00:03:33,505 - You're taking control of your destiny. 84 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:34,965 No matter how strait the gate 85 00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:36,937 or charged with punishments the the scroll, 86 00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:39,177 I am the master of my fate, 87 00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:41,680 I am the captain of my soul. 88 00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,306 - That's from Invictus! 89 00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:45,058 Wait, who was the white guy in that? 90 00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:47,894 - Maybe someday you'll be like me, 91 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:49,626 running a billion-dollar corporation, 92 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:51,333 having people pay you for the privilege 93 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,817 of cutting your hair... Raising a child. 94 00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:55,444 - You're raising a child? Come on. 95 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,004 I think Avery is probably doing that. 96 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,668 - Not really. Avery's been traveling a lot 97 00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:02,534 as part of NBC news' hot blondes in weird places initiative. 98 00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:04,286 So she's been out of the baby loop 99 00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:05,738 until Liddy is sleep-trained. 100 00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:07,289 Frankly, it might be easier 101 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,332 if Avery stays in Asia. 102 00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:10,643 - Be careful what you wish for. 103 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,586 According to the secret, it'll come true. 104 00:04:12,878 --> 00:04:15,380 - I wish Liz Lemon would leave so I could go back to work. 105 00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:18,216 - Oh... oh... What's pulling me? 106 00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:20,552 I want to stay here and keep boring Jack! 107 00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:22,471 Oh, okay. 108 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,890 I really fell. I need help. 109 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,476 - Tracy, welcome back. 110 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:28,477 I think I speak for all of us 111 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,228 when I say how thrilled... 112 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,522 - great impression of a guy that sucks, Dotcom. 113 00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:35,525 Look, we got a lot of work to catch up on. 114 00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:37,736 - Yes, sir. It just feels so good 115 00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:40,388 to have the three musketeers and Dotcom back together again. 116 00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:41,865 Ooh. Whoops. 117 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:43,450 - Smooth move, Ferguson. 118 00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:47,537 - What are you laughing about? 119 00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:48,538 - Oh, nothing, sir. 120 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,550 Just an inside joke from when you were gone. 121 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,375 You kinda needed to be there. 122 00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:53,667 - No, no, no, no, no. No. 123 00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:55,719 You three are not allowed to have inside jokes 124 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:57,380 that I'm not a part of. 125 00:04:57,672 --> 00:04:59,966 I can have inside jokes that you're not a part of. 126 00:05:00,258 --> 00:05:02,511 For example, "hot feet." 127 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:06,306 Or, "ask Melissa about it." 128 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:07,678 But my entourage serves me. 129 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:10,936 And "smooth move, Ferguson" is not funny to me. 130 00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:13,647 So it is forbidden. Understand? 131 00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:17,192 Next order of business, Grizz's DVD reviews 132 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:18,484 for this weekend. 133 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,655 - You wouldn't expect a movie called somewhere 134 00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:24,533 to go absolutely nowhere. 135 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,244 - ♪ Sometimes we use a song to move a story along ♪ 136 00:05:27,536 --> 00:05:31,289 ♪ and explain it to you whoo! ♪ 137 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,375 ♪ 'Cause Liz is taking charge ♪ 138 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:37,045 ♪ she's in control of everything she do ♪ 139 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:40,507 ♪ in her personal life ♪ 140 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:41,967 ♪ hey hey, na na ♪ 141 00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:43,593 ♪ in her personal life ♪ 142 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:46,429 ♪ but here comes a story obstacle now! ♪ 143 00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:50,642 What's that? 144 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,602 Tony, there's a bag in that tree, 145 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:54,980 and it's right outside the window 146 00:05:55,272 --> 00:05:57,440 of my soon-to-be-perfect-life apartment. 147 00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,502 - If you're not in the building, I don't have to talk to you. 148 00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,820 Trees are city property. 149 00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:04,322 You have to take it up with city hall. 150 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:05,716 That's your mother, Liddy. 151 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:07,492 Say hello. 152 00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,953 - Who's ready for Skype sex? 153 00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,457 - No, this is the Liddy call. - What? 154 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,167 - You people have too much money. 155 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,712 - Hi, Sherry! 156 00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:21,548 I don't know why our daughter would be afraid of Reagan. 157 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:22,465 - Are you accusing me of not doing 158 00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:23,860 enough Reagan time with her? 159 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,927 - No, of course not. 160 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,638 Listen, news wants me to extend the trip. 161 00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:32,392 But I can get out of it if you need me there to help. 162 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:38,523 - No. You stay. 163 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,650 - Are you sure? - I'm sure. 164 00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:43,320 Bring back some throwing stars for Liddy. 165 00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:44,195 - I will. 166 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:47,532 And thank you for being the best husband ever. 167 00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:52,078 - Hey, do you want to watch me eat jelly beans... 168 00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:54,581 Real slow? 169 00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:55,873 - Yes. 170 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,504 Smooth move, Ferguson. 171 00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:02,464 - I knew it! 172 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,436 I knew you were saying that behind my back. 173 00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:07,385 - How long were you in there? - I knew you wouldn't stop! 174 00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:10,472 And now your failure leaves us with only one option. 175 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:14,267 Explain to me why "smooth move, Ferguson" is funny! 176 00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:18,480 - Well, while you were away, we ordered Mexican food. 177 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,482 And the delivery guy tripped, 178 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:26,696 and then mister Griswald said, "smooth move, Ferguson." 179 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,032 - That story is not funny! 180 00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:31,034 - Sir, you had to be there. 181 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:32,369 - Then I will be. 182 00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,496 We are going to recreate all the events 183 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,456 surrounding "smooth move, Ferguson" 184 00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:38,458 exactly as they occurred. 185 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,543 Maybe then we can get on with our lives. 186 00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,921 Let's get to work. 187 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:50,679 - Jonathan, what is going on? 188 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,389 - Sir, you need to see this. 189 00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:54,281 Even if it ruins whatever you had planned 190 00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:55,910 for secretary's day, like a poem you wrote for me, 191 00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,436 or whatever. 192 00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,313 - We go now to a pre-taped statement 193 00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:03,274 from super-crazy Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il. 194 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:07,880 People of North Korea, 195 00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:09,531 it is your dear leader, Kim Jong-Il, 196 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,409 world's greatest golfer and movie director, 197 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:16,913 and best man at Tom Brady's wedding. 198 00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:19,082 As we all know, 199 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:21,334 the decadent western journalist spy Laura Ling 200 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:24,963 left us because she can't party as hard as we can. 201 00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:29,092 - I know, right? - I know, right? 202 00:08:29,384 --> 00:08:31,261 But now, another American reporter 203 00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:34,055 has come to North Korea because it's awesome, 204 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:36,182 and we have enough food. 205 00:08:36,474 --> 00:08:38,393 - Avery Jessup. 206 00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,980 - Her name is Avery Jessup, and like me, 207 00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:43,398 her hair is blonde. 208 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,486 - One of our own, NBC's Avery Jessup Donaghy, 209 00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:50,071 detained in North Korea. 210 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,990 More on that as it develops. 211 00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:53,522 But first, it's never too early 212 00:08:53,700 --> 00:08:55,452 to plan your dog's Halloween costume. 213 00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:58,079 - I told her to stay. I didn't want her at home. 214 00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,581 This is my fault. 215 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,042 - Sir, if you say one more syllable, 216 00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,544 that's a haiku. - Leave. 217 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,493 - I'm not afraid of you, city hall. 218 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,428 Let's do this. 219 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:27,192 Don't go in there! Run, citizen! 220 00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:36,451 - Look, boehner, we're all upset. 221 00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:37,327 I mean it's my wife! 222 00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:39,412 John, stop crying. 223 00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:41,247 I... I can't understand you! 224 00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:42,892 - I said he's busy! - Busy, Jonathan? 225 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,156 I've got a bag stuck in a tree. 226 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,461 Jack, I have a bag stuck in a tree outside my apartment, 227 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:47,420 and I can't get it down. 228 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,472 And I don't know why it's making me so crazy. 229 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,382 - Yes, you do. You said it yourself. 230 00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,468 It's not just about a bag or a view. 231 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,200 It's about taking charge of your life 232 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,054 and solving problems. 233 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,473 I'm facing a similar situation myself. 234 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,005 - Lay it on me. Two-way street. 235 00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,227 - Avery has been kidnapped by Kim Jong-Il. 236 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,270 - What? Why? Is she a spy? 237 00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,022 Oh, my god, I already know too much! 238 00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,483 - Kim Jong-Il runs a vast propaganda machine. 239 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,360 Evidently, his latest insane idea 240 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:11,921 is to bring in a western journalist 241 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,696 to report on how the free world 242 00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:15,824 is being conquered by North Korea. 243 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:20,995 - And in food news, you've had enough to eat today. 244 00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,665 Now here with the weather is Johnny mountain. 245 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,251 - North Korea, everything sunny all the time. 246 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,336 Always good-time beach party. 247 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:29,963 Back to you, Avery. 248 00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,299 - You have to call President Clinton. 249 00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:35,351 He got Lisa Ling's sister out of North Korea. 250 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,345 - President Interbush is out of the question. 251 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,917 Avery will never accept his help. 252 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,692 She can't forgive him for not hitting on her 253 00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:42,350 during the 1996 Democratic convention. 254 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,203 - She's much too thin. - I do, of course, 255 00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:48,022 still have some connections, but my best bet is fraught. 256 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,595 I never should have broken up with Condi via text message. 257 00:10:50,817 --> 00:10:52,944 - You broke up with Condoleezza Rice by text? 258 00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,029 - Me plus you equals frowny face. 259 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,490 - Yeah, you can't call her. - I know. 260 00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,284 But I am going to solve this. 261 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,953 Just like you are going to solve your equally important 262 00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:04,497 bag in a tree situation. 263 00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:06,332 Invictus, Lemon. 264 00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:10,170 - Now that I've killed that bug, 265 00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,255 I'd like to call this "smooth move, Ferguson" 266 00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:14,340 recreation meeting to order. 267 00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:15,632 Kenneth, report. 268 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:18,261 - Well, sir, we've got the delivery guy booked, 269 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:20,388 but I've run into some big problems. 270 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,682 For example, it was raining that day. 271 00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:24,100 - Get a rain machine. 272 00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:25,810 Look, here, take my credit card, 273 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:28,605 use it to break into a special effects warehouse 274 00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,190 to steal one. 275 00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:32,233 - Well, sir, even if we did that, 276 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,961 there are some things we can't control. 277 00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:36,112 We don't remember what we were wearing. 278 00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:37,405 Dotcom was sick. 279 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:38,697 Security footage. 280 00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:40,700 Dotcom licks the subway steps. 281 00:11:40,992 --> 00:11:42,994 These are solvable problems! 282 00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:45,121 - Well, what about this? 283 00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,749 Miss Maroney was here screaming at Mr. Rossitano. 284 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:50,251 Later that day, she got her hair cut. 285 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:51,753 - Aw, thank you. 286 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:55,423 - The point is, her hair was longer then. 287 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,176 J-Mo, how long would it take for your hair to grow back? 288 00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,321 - It depends. Do you have access to horse semen? 289 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,055 - You know I do. - Give me three weeks. 290 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:03,741 - Then we'll reconvene in three weeks. 291 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:04,307 Meeting is adjourned. 292 00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:07,352 Oh, my god, what happened to my bug? 293 00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:12,482 - Stupid grappling hook! 294 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:16,152 Can't catch one little bag? 295 00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:23,326 You think I'm giving up? 296 00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,161 Did I give up when that squirrel 297 00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,013 I trained to retrieve you just ran away? 298 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,040 You will not win, Mr. Bag. 299 00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:30,833 - But, Liz, I already have. 300 00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:32,125 - What did you say? 301 00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,211 - Jack's wrong. 302 00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:36,005 No human is truly the master of his fate. 303 00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:39,801 Even your dream apartment can't protect you from death. 304 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:42,011 I'm not ruining your view. 305 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,514 I'm reminding you of your mortality. 306 00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:48,184 'Cause you know I'll be here long after you're gone, 307 00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,687 the wind rustling against my genitals. 308 00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:53,022 That's right, bags have genitals. 309 00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,482 - You don't know me. 310 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,025 - Go ahead, buy nesting tables. 311 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:57,902 Paint an accent wall. 312 00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,530 I'll watch the emts take you out in my cousin, 313 00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:03,283 a body bag. 314 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:11,624 - K-9, operation Ferguson status report. 315 00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:15,670 - Rain, check. Room temperature, check. 316 00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,755 Miss Maroney's hair length, check. 317 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,257 - Do you like it? 318 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,134 If you say no, I'll drown myself. 319 00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:22,927 - Mr. Griswald, could you put the TV 320 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,138 on the right channel... MSNBC. 321 00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:28,182 - Was Dotcom standing that gay? 322 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:29,934 - No, sir, he was not. 323 00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:31,906 - Today denying reports that Jessup Donaghy 324 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,980 is anchoring a fake western news channel, 325 00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:36,107 calling the accusations, quote, 326 00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:38,234 "as ridiculous as the dunk Kim Jong-Il won 327 00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:40,361 the NBA dunk contest with." 328 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,697 - Hey, what's my boy KJ doing on TV? 329 00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:44,741 - What? That's Kim Jong-Il. 330 00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,273 - Yeah. We did a movie together 331 00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,077 that he directed and co-starred in. 332 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:54,459 Death to the CIA! 333 00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:58,671 Let us all increase production of millet and sunflowers! 334 00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:01,257 - I defuse bomb, black partner. 335 00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,426 Hasta la vista, baby! 336 00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:08,306 - Dude, I think you did a North Korea propaganda film. 337 00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:10,492 - It was either that or playing a rapping doorman 338 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:11,559 in a Kate Hudson movie. 339 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:12,891 Oh, okay. 340 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:16,147 - Oh, he's coming. Places, everyone. 341 00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:25,698 - Smooth move, Ferguson. 342 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,958 I get it now! That was so funny! 343 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:39,128 Everyone laugh. 344 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,671 Now, you sons of bitches! 345 00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:51,933 - Tracy, it's come to my attention 346 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,643 that you know Kim Jong-Il. 347 00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:55,615 And obviously, I'm concerned about my wife, 348 00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:57,365 and I want to know what she's going through. 349 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,233 Please, hold nothing back. 350 00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:03,027 - Okay, but you might not like what I have to tell you. 351 00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:08,032 Kim Jong-Il sometimes shoots in a close-up too much. 352 00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:09,534 Comedy lives in a wide shot. 353 00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:13,162 And also... This is gonna be rough... 354 00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:16,374 His acting notes are often vague. 355 00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:19,168 - Okay. Thank you. 356 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,212 - What is this? 357 00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:22,672 My god! 358 00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:25,091 They're letting her speak. 359 00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:27,653 - For the past three weeks, I have been honored to partake 360 00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:30,346 in a political re-education regimen. 361 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:33,391 I have voluntarily taken several floggings 362 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:35,268 for being an arrogant American... 363 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,186 - That's okay. She's tough. 364 00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:40,648 We do a lot of pirate-themed sexual role playing. 365 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,233 I'm a parrot. 366 00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,152 - Also, I spend eight hours a day 367 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:45,486 breaking concrete blocks 368 00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,447 to learn to be an obedient worker... 369 00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:49,198 - No problem. She pays $1,000 an hour 370 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:50,908 to do that with a trainer. 371 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:54,120 - And I have concluded that capitalism may be flawed. 372 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:57,123 My god! 373 00:15:57,415 --> 00:16:00,751 What are those monsters doing to her? 374 00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:05,423 Dr. Rice? 375 00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,967 - Well, look what the cat dragged in. 376 00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,659 - Hello, Condi. You're looking well. 377 00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:11,220 - You know, I've been to the dmz. 378 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,639 They have signs. Can your wife not read? 379 00:16:13,931 --> 00:16:16,434 - Okay, we're all adults here. - So what is it? 380 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,478 Is she funnier than I am? 381 00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:20,897 She's certainly not younger, is she? 382 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:22,648 - Condi, we are not doing this. 383 00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,358 - Oh, we are doing this! 384 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:27,069 - I'm sorry that I broke up with you by text. 385 00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:30,072 I'm sorry I went drinking with Karl rove... 386 00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:31,364 On Valentine's day. 387 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:34,202 I'm sorry that I said your favorite movie was lame. 388 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,287 - Mars attacks! Is awesome! 389 00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:38,581 Now admit that I'm better at the piano 390 00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:41,167 than you are at the flute. - Never. 391 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:45,129 ♪ ♪ 392 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:49,258 ♪ ♪ 393 00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:58,267 ♪ ♪ 394 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,311 - Follow this, you Turkey. 395 00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:08,603 ♪ ♪ 396 00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:15,201 - All right, damn it. You are better. 397 00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:16,733 - I'll see what I can do, Jack. 398 00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:20,706 Now get out of here before this gets weird. 399 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:25,753 You're the Turkey. 400 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,130 - Know what, Mr. Bag? 401 00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:30,383 I will have a nice day! 402 00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:32,301 I'm gonna hang you in my kitchen 403 00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:34,303 and fill you with other bags. 404 00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,014 You will eat your family! 405 00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:38,909 - Hey, that's city property. Put the saw down. 406 00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:40,601 - No, I almost got him. - Right now! 407 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,493 Don't think I won't taser you, all right? 408 00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:46,315 I've got OCD, and I love doing paperwork. 409 00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:54,323 - Aah, it was worth it! 410 00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,121 - Avery? 411 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,581 - Jack! Oh, thank god! 412 00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,249 I forgot the U.S. country code, 413 00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:05,021 but then I remembered it's number one. 414 00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:06,252 - How are you calling me? 415 00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:07,824 - Nobody has ever seen an iPhone. 416 00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:08,998 I told them it was my razor. 417 00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,275 I have to shave my legs with it, but they have an app for that. 418 00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:13,509 - Oh, Avery, I'm sorry. This is all my fault. 419 00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:15,219 I told you to stay. 420 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:16,971 - No, this is nobody's fault. 421 00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:18,615 Except maybe that pansy Harry Truman 422 00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:19,348 for not taking down this country 423 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,183 when he had the chance. - Truman! 424 00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:22,555 - Look, my battery's dying, 425 00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,290 and the outlets here are shaped weird. 426 00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,206 And I don't think they have any electricity in them anyway. 427 00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:27,710 So I don't want you to worry about me. 428 00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:29,191 They actually love me here. 429 00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,235 I already won a North Korean Emmy. 430 00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:32,713 So if I don't ever make it home... 431 00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:33,904 - Avery, don't say that. 432 00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:36,115 I spoke... To condoleezza. 433 00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:37,617 - Really? 434 00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,469 Did you also call Sally ride and her sister? 435 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:40,620 - Come on, Avery, not now. 436 00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:42,580 I am going to get you out of there. 437 00:18:42,872 --> 00:18:44,472 You are married to Jack Donaghy, damn it, 438 00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:45,934 and the world doesn't get to do this to us! 439 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,127 We control our fates! We are in charge! 440 00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:51,339 Avery? Are you still there? 441 00:18:54,425 --> 00:18:57,345 I'm sure her battery died right after I finished that speech. 442 00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:58,637 Just like I wanted it to. 443 00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,931 - Smooth move, Ferguson! Ha ha ha! 444 00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,142 Smooth move, Ferguson. - Mr. Jordan, 445 00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:05,061 please let it go. It's just a joke 446 00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:07,146 - it's not about the joke. 447 00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:09,940 It's about what the joke represents, you monsters! 448 00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:11,232 - What do you mean, sir? 449 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,361 - I came back, and you were fine without me. 450 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:15,071 You laughed without me! 451 00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:17,073 And that was our special thing! 452 00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:20,076 But no, you thought smooth move, Ferguson, 453 00:19:20,368 --> 00:19:21,577 was so hilarious! 454 00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,455 - It wasn't. It wasn't funny! 455 00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:26,082 There, are you happy? 456 00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:28,250 - You just dropped a bomb, k. Continue. 457 00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:30,544 - We were miserable without you, sir. 458 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:34,215 "Smooth move, Ferguson" was trying to fill a void 459 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,107 because Mr. Slattery's political cartoons 460 00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:37,384 weren't cutting it. 461 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:38,969 - I can't draw hands. 462 00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:41,097 - You're the one who makes us laugh. 463 00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,224 Never go away again. 464 00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:48,104 Don't ever tell me what to do! 465 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:52,274 Quad hug, me in the middle! 466 00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:54,110 Also, due to a paperwork mix-up, 467 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,612 you will not be getting paid this month. 468 00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:01,242 - I did it, Jack. I got the bag. 469 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,035 You were right. No matter how much 470 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:04,370 the gate is strait, 471 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,288 or who punishes the scrolls, 472 00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:10,251 I am the captain of my holes, or whatever. 473 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,086 We are in control! 474 00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:14,213 - No, we aren't. I was wrong. 475 00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:18,968 Condi tried, but Avery plus freedom equals... 476 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:20,260 Frowny face. 477 00:20:20,428 --> 00:20:23,723 - I'm sorry, what's happening? 478 00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:26,374 - They're never going to let her go. 479 00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:30,354 Avery is now married to Kim Jong-Il's son... 480 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:31,646 Kim jong-UN. 481 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,316 What? 482 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:42,158 Nooo! 483 00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:44,160 Mortality! 484 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,537 - Smooth move, Ferguson. 485 00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:51,292 - Put that coffee down. 486 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,544 Coffee for closer only! 487 00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:55,004 I'm here from park and Kim. 488 00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:58,132 I'm here on a mission of mercy. 489 00:20:58,424 --> 00:20:59,633 Your name levine? - Yeah. 490 00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,361 - You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch? 491 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:02,665 - I don't have to listen to this. 492 00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:05,347 - No, you don't, pal. 'Cause the good news is 493 00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:06,639 you're fired! 494 00:21:06,891 --> 00:21:08,976 Oh, have I got your attention now? 495 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,520 - The leads are weak. - The leads are weak? 496 00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:14,523 You're weak! Luke, I am your father. 497 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:18,068 Ghostbusters! Let's go, black partner.