1 00:00:02,169 --> 00:00:04,296 - Merry Christmas Eve Eve, Jack. 2 00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:06,068 - Likewise, Lemon. Is there any chance 3 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:07,925 you'll still be around tomorrow? - Sure. 4 00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:09,444 You want to go to the Penn station Kmart with me 5 00:00:09,468 --> 00:00:10,468 and then watch tootsie? 6 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,117 - I'm sorry. That's what you're doing 7 00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:13,865 instead of spending Christmas Eve with your family? 8 00:00:13,889 --> 00:00:16,391 - It's my new thing... Travel on Christmas day. 9 00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:19,144 That way, I avoid the annual Lemon family blowup. 10 00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:21,313 And this year it's gonna be a doozy. 11 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,565 My aunt Linda is bringing her new boyfriend, 12 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,859 who is neither her age Nor her race. 13 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,986 And her ex-husband will also be there 14 00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:29,988 with his date, alcoholism. 15 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,699 I swoop in the next day for presents and pie. 16 00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,511 - Well, if you're around, come by for dinner. 17 00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:35,953 Colleen will be up from Florida, 18 00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:37,485 and, um, she'd love to see you. 19 00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,706 - Because my youthful energy makes her feel young? 20 00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,188 - No, because she views you as a peer 21 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:42,896 she can complain with about how no one 22 00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,081 wears pantyhose any longer. 23 00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:46,922 - Ah, how are we supposed to conceal our spider veins? 24 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:49,967 Bare-legged at Christmas. 25 00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:53,512 Okay, guys, this Kabletown promo is the last thing we have to do 26 00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:54,930 before the holiday break. 27 00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,975 - Liz Lemon, I cannot participate in this promo. 28 00:00:58,267 --> 00:00:59,560 - Why? 29 00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:00,978 - Because it's not honest. 30 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,396 As an actor, 31 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:04,648 it is my job to tell the truth, 32 00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:06,525 hold the mirror to humanity, 33 00:01:06,817 --> 00:01:07,943 and sell Proactiv. 34 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,654 I will not spout your lies, Liz Lemon. 35 00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:14,950 And I will not say merry Christmas from Kabletown. 36 00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:17,452 - Ever since Tracy got nominated for a golden globe, 37 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:18,744 he thinks he's Sean Penn. 38 00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,634 - Well, they have both had screaming fights 39 00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,124 with wyclef Jean. 40 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,751 We'll just do this without him. Merry Christmas, Jenna. 41 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:27,004 You can say both lines. 42 00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,089 Merry Christmas from Kabletown 43 00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:31,133 and all of us at TGS. 44 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,843 I think we got it. 45 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,890 - Wait, are... are you okay? 46 00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:41,685 "Tom Ford and Elton John invite you to new queer's Eve." 47 00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:43,353 What is this? 48 00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:46,607 - NQE is the new year's party. 49 00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:48,458 Everyone dresses up as a cultural figure 50 00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:49,734 from the past year. 51 00:01:49,985 --> 00:01:52,487 Also replicas of the da vid urinate vodka. 52 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:54,114 - Oh, god. 53 00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:55,592 - Paul and I were gonna come up 54 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:56,896 with an amazing couple's costume. 55 00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:59,620 But now that he's gone, what's the point? 56 00:01:59,911 --> 00:02:01,622 This party means so much to me. 57 00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:03,553 I don't know what I'm gonna do without it. 58 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,417 - The party or Paul? 59 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,210 - The party, Liz. 60 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:08,712 - Good news. 61 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,684 We don't have to do these promos after all. 62 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:13,592 NBC says they want them from every show but us. 63 00:02:13,884 --> 00:02:15,802 - Good year, everyone. 64 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:27,064 ♪ ♪ 65 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:37,717 - What Christmas card did we end up sending out? 66 00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:39,701 - Oh... 67 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,453 "Happy holidays 68 00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:43,121 is what terrorists say." 69 00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:45,123 Merry Christmas, Avery and Jack. 70 00:02:47,918 --> 00:02:49,586 Oh, it's just Liz. 71 00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:51,158 - Why do people always say that? 72 00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:52,940 - Avery is keeping her pregnancy a secret at work, 73 00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:54,675 so she's been carrying around large objects 74 00:02:54,966 --> 00:02:56,152 whenever she's in the building. 75 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,376 - I was wondering what was up with your show last night. 76 00:02:58,595 --> 00:02:59,675 - The market rallying today 77 00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:01,431 despite a pullback in gold stocks. 78 00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:03,517 - Anyway, I was gonna bring dessert tomorrow. 79 00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:06,129 So are there any foods that are making you nauseous lately? 80 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:07,813 Please don't say a half sleeve of oreos. 81 00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:09,265 - Oh, I'm not gonna be there. 82 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,525 I'm leaving tonight to spend Christmas with my family. 83 00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:12,817 - Really? 84 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:14,170 - That's why I like dating older men. 85 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,794 Their parents are usually dead or senile, 86 00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:18,198 so there's never an argument about the holidays. 87 00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:20,210 - Why aren't you and Colleen going with her? 88 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:22,703 - Oh, you know, uh, Colleen is frail, 89 00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:25,080 and Avery is in her third trimester. 90 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,290 You haven't told Colleen 91 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,501 about the baby yet. - What? 92 00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:31,604 - I have been watching the mentalist a lot lately, 93 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,505 because my TV's on CBS, and I lost my remote. 94 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,841 I think I've become a body-language expert. 95 00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:38,218 For instance, I can now tell 96 00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:41,722 that Jack wants to kill the person to his right. 97 00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,557 - Why haven't you told her? 98 00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,226 - I just haven't found the right time. 99 00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,799 - That is no excuse! - This is so bad! 100 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:51,565 - I cannot have the two of you on the same side of an argument. 101 00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:53,501 We donaghys believe that, when there's something 102 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,068 at all delicate to talk about, 103 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:56,528 it is best to suppress it 104 00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:59,322 until it erupts into a fistfight at a church barbecue. 105 00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:00,814 - I understand all that, Jack. 106 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:02,576 The symbol on the Jessup family crest 107 00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,995 is a Knight refusing to talk about his feelings, 108 00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,164 but this baby is not bad news. 109 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:09,750 - You don't know Colleen. We're not married, Avery. 110 00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:12,335 - Why should that matter? I mean, she did the same thing. 111 00:04:12,627 --> 00:04:14,588 I mean, what did Colleen say when you told her 112 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,715 you knew about your real dad? 113 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,818 You never told her about Milton either. 114 00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:20,469 I am "The Mentaliz." 115 00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:21,779 You have so many secrets! - That was over a year ago! 116 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,406 - How do you not get hives? - How could you not tell her? 117 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:25,474 - For the love of god. 118 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:28,226 - Sir, this came for you. 119 00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,103 - Thanks, k-I-m-n-o-p. 120 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,475 I've been waiting for this. 121 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:32,939 - Oh, I didn't know you made 122 00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:34,691 another chunks movie, Mr. Jordan. 123 00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:37,152 That first one was a classic. 124 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:40,155 - Dearly beloved, we are gathered here 125 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,866 to celebrate the life of althea chunk. 126 00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:45,285 Damn, that's funky. 127 00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:48,538 - Obesity is killing the African-American community... 128 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,582 With laughter. 129 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,674 - Yeah, well, this sequel is never coming out. 130 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:55,170 I bought the rights, so this movie won't be released. 131 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,273 - Why wouldn't you want people to see your movie? 132 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,423 It looks so funny. 133 00:04:58,715 --> 00:04:59,755 - That's the problem, Ken. 134 00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:03,386 It's 67 minutes of me acting like a hilarious fool. 135 00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:05,598 If this movie comes out before the golden globes, 136 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:07,599 it'll ruin my new image. 137 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,769 - Mr. Jordan, I thought you loved acting like a fool. 138 00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,355 - No, I don't. 139 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,272 I'm lying. 140 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:17,025 My favorite thing in the world is making people laugh. 141 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,485 But I can't now. 142 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:20,529 I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth, 143 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,572 Charlie Rose! 144 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:25,158 - Oh, that's horrible. - I have no choice! 145 00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:26,451 I got to stay serious. 146 00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:29,538 From now on, the only movies Tracy Jordan makes 147 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:33,375 are about the holocaust, Georgia o'keeffe, or both. 148 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:36,419 - I didn't care much for the gazpacho soup. 149 00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:39,089 I mean, where's the fun of sending it back 150 00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:40,674 because it isn't hot? 151 00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:42,217 - Mother. 152 00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:43,760 - Yes. 153 00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:46,263 - Avery and I are having a baby. 154 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:47,931 - I see. 155 00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:50,433 - May I remind you this is good news. 156 00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:52,227 - This is a disgrace! 157 00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:56,231 What are my chums at the death shore retirement community 158 00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:58,149 gonna say... 159 00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:01,570 When I tell them that my unmarried son 160 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,364 has knocked up a protestant? 161 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:05,883 - Oh, I knew you would do this... 162 00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:08,201 Take a happy moment and ruin it, 163 00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:09,887 just like you did when I won that scholarship 164 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,705 at my high-school graduation. 165 00:06:11,997 --> 00:06:13,623 - It should have gone to the other boy! 166 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:16,668 - This is the reason I waited seven months to tell you. 167 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,588 - You kept this from your own mother? 168 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,215 - Oh, oh, Colleen, don't talk to me about secrets. 169 00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,694 I know some things you've done that you would not want me 170 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:25,718 to bring up right now. 171 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,014 - Most people thought I was a hero 172 00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:31,266 for killing Lydia's parrot. 173 00:06:31,558 --> 00:06:33,476 I'm going upstairs now 174 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:36,479 and think about more comments 175 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:40,817 for tomorrow. 176 00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,653 This isn't over! 177 00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:47,240 - Jack. 178 00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:50,577 Guess what. They just got caller I.D. in Vermont. 179 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:52,763 - Milton, I hope you don't have plans for tomorrow. 180 00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:54,227 I'm having a little Christmas dinner, 181 00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:56,458 and I want you to be my guest of honor. 182 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,768 - Well, it is a little sudden, 183 00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,878 but, yes, I'd love to come to your holiday dinner. 184 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:03,298 - Christmas. It's Christmas dinner. 185 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:10,972 - Hey, Rick, can you cover section three for me? 186 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,515 I'm in the weeds. Oh, Liz. 187 00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,768 Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were a transvestite. 188 00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:17,020 - Paul, I need to talk to you about Jenna. 189 00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:19,189 - Oh. How is she? 190 00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:21,441 - Honestly, I don't think I've seen her this upset 191 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:23,026 since hurricane Katrina. 192 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,654 The coverage preempted a tampon commercial she was in. 193 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,405 - Oh. - And she keeps trying 194 00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:29,617 to pretend it's just about some new year's party, 195 00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:31,451 but I think she misses you. 196 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:34,287 - Look, I-I miss her too, but it's over between us now. 197 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,206 I-I don't even think about Jenna anymore. 198 00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:39,209 I don't think about kissing her or laughing with her 199 00:07:39,501 --> 00:07:41,628 or photographing her with just salamanders 200 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,129 covering her nipples. 201 00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:47,050 When it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. 202 00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:48,422 - You can't be on the floor 203 00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:49,790 without your roller skates, Rick. 204 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:51,554 - I'm not Rick. 205 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,397 Merry Christmas, Jack. 206 00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:02,209 Sorry. I finished the oreos in the cab. 207 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,626 - I'm glad you could make it, Lemon. 208 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:06,444 Welcome to my Christmas attack zone. 209 00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:07,797 - Your what? What does that mean? 210 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:08,905 - Professor Milton Greene 211 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:10,637 is on his way here from Penn station. 212 00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:13,118 - Milton, your father, is coming here? 213 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,953 Please tell me that Colleen... 214 00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:16,329 - has no idea. 215 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,381 The father that she hid from me for 50 years, 216 00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:20,417 the man that she doesn't even know 217 00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:23,169 I know exists, is joining us for supper. 218 00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:24,462 Uh, red or white? 219 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:26,339 - White. Jack, what are you doing? 220 00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:28,299 You promised me a drama-free dinner. 221 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:30,135 I could be sitting at the corner table 222 00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:31,547 at the Kmart cafe right now. 223 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,194 Oh, that must be dad. 224 00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:34,865 - Wait, does Milton know that Colleen is here? 225 00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,224 - No. I want it all to be fresh. 226 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,060 Will he erupt with anger over her years of secrecy? 227 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,146 Who knows? Milton's a hippie pacifist. 228 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,356 But I once saw Colleen provoke a Buddhist monk 229 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:46,109 into whipping a battery at her. 230 00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:51,364 - My boy. 231 00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:53,324 Oh, Jack, this is going to be 232 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:55,702 the best winter's Eve light festival ever. 233 00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,370 Liz! 234 00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:59,873 And a happy whatever you believe in too. 235 00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:01,541 - No. I am not letting this happen. 236 00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:04,544 Milton, Jack has an ulterior motive for bringing you here. 237 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:07,297 - Yes. It's true. 238 00:09:07,589 --> 00:09:09,007 You're going to be a grandfather. 239 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:12,135 - Oh, what a blessing! Oh, life is beautiful. 240 00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:15,638 "Joy, beautiful spark of the gods, 241 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:17,348 daughter of elysium." 242 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,225 And, Liz, you're already showing. 243 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,370 - No, it's not me, and that is not what he has to tell you. 244 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,063 Colleen is here, 245 00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:24,981 and Jack is using you to ambush her. 246 00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:27,358 - Why would you do that? - I'll tell you why... 247 00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,920 Because when my mother found out about your granddaughter... 248 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:31,446 - It's a girl! She'll be intuitive. 249 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,323 - Colleen did not see it as a blessing. 250 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:35,158 She saw it as an embarrassment, 251 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:37,219 because my girlfriend Avery and I are not married. 252 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:40,121 - An embarrassment? She has no right to judge you. 253 00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,915 She needs to read my new book, 254 00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,417 there's no wrong way to make a family 255 00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:46,002 that's for you. 256 00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:48,334 - I agree with you, Milton, but Colleen disapproves. 257 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,428 - Well, that's awfully hypocritical for a woman 258 00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:52,258 who kept her son a secret 259 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:54,094 from his own father. 260 00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:55,404 I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind tonight. 261 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:58,348 - Oh, great, Avery's here, and she looks mad. 262 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,141 - Jack, I got your message. 263 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,185 How dare Colleen disapprove of me, 264 00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,395 of us? - Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. 265 00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:06,487 I didn't mean for my message to make you angry 266 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,191 and have you come all the way back here. 267 00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:11,027 Now there are three people here that are mad at Colleen. 268 00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:11,903 - Wait, this is Avery? 269 00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:14,364 How could that woman not adore 270 00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:16,366 such a beautiful daughter-in-law? 271 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:17,367 - Oh. - By the way, we have 272 00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:19,035 a tradition in my family 273 00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:20,687 where we let the child name itself. 274 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:22,272 - Oh, yeah, that's hippie nonsense. 275 00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:23,206 - Absolutely not. 276 00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:25,218 - Well, suit yourself, but my son spider-man 277 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,376 turned out just fine. 278 00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:27,377 - Okay, this is disgusting. 279 00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:30,088 It is Christmas. You are not going to ambush 280 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,260 an old woman for the mistakes that she has made. 281 00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:33,578 I mean, who hasn't made mistakes? 282 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,219 I once French-kissed a dog at a party 283 00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:37,822 to try to impress what turned out to be 284 00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:38,846 a very tall 12-year-old. 285 00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:40,640 - Lemon, we all know what mistakes are. 286 00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:42,535 - I'm going to tell Colleen what's happening 287 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:44,102 while you all calm down. 288 00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:45,770 Where's her room? 289 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,691 - Don't worry. I sent her to the east wing. 290 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:53,069 It's very confusing. It was designed by M.C. Escher. 291 00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:54,404 - These stairs are weird. 292 00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,739 - Mother. 293 00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:58,074 Dinner is ready. 294 00:10:58,366 --> 00:11:01,244 - What are you doing here, sir? 295 00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:04,330 I wasn't setting this up because I'm spending Christmas at work. 296 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:06,662 I certainly wasn't going to pretend those trash cans 297 00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:09,252 were my parents. 298 00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:11,212 - I'm here picking up a serious outfit 299 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,173 from wardrobe for my event later. 300 00:11:13,464 --> 00:11:15,584 - All the big actors do charity work on Christmas Eve. 301 00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:17,302 Russell Crowe is having an auction 302 00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:19,394 to benefit the victims of his own mood swings. 303 00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:21,097 - So what are you doing, sir? 304 00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,099 - Screening my very sad movie hard to watch 305 00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:24,391 at a women's shelter. 306 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:25,619 It's gonna be real depressing. 307 00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:28,104 - I hate seeing you like this, sir. 308 00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:30,273 And you ruined Ludachristmas. 309 00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:35,111 - In the Darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones. 310 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:36,403 Next slide. 311 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,281 What else can I do, Kenneth? 312 00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:41,284 People only take you seriously if you're serious. 313 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:44,078 - But comedy is just as important as drama. 314 00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:44,996 People need to laugh, 315 00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:47,290 especially in these tough times. 316 00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:51,252 And after all, isn't laughter the best medicine? 317 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:54,380 Except for Insulin, spironolactone, and bupropion, 318 00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:57,884 which I have for you whenever you're ready, sir. 319 00:11:58,176 --> 00:12:01,262 - Mother, you look lovely. - I see you brought the bag 320 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:04,307 that my bastard grandchild will come in. 321 00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,267 - Merry Christmas, Mrs. Donaghy. 322 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,062 My gift to you is the feeling of superiority you'll have 323 00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,194 for the next two seconds. - Is she drunk, Jack? 324 00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,041 Because, you know, when you're pregnant, 325 00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:15,151 one bottle of wine a day, and that's it. 326 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:18,112 - Mother, you must remember Milton Greene, 327 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:21,908 my father and your shameful sex secret. 328 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,410 - Why would you bring him here? 329 00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:26,204 Oh, I see. 330 00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:29,040 Trying to make me look like the bad guy, is that it? 331 00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:30,500 - You are the bad guy. 332 00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,502 You kept me from my son for 50 years. 333 00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:34,045 - You didn't miss much. 334 00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:36,297 - He's a good boy. He got me a kidney... 335 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:37,589 From Elvis costello. 336 00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,218 All that time lost because of you and your pride. 337 00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:42,637 And think of what I've lost. 338 00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:45,515 Going on father-and-son habitat for humanity builds 339 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:48,309 and road trips in my V.W. Van. 340 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,520 - Yeah, or other things. 341 00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:53,690 - And then you dare to judge us and our life decisions? 342 00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,108 Who do you think you are? 343 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:58,027 - God, this house is enormous. 344 00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,154 Oh, hi, Colleen. I tried to stop this. 345 00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:05,034 - Well, mother, what do you have to say for yourself? 346 00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,161 It's speechless. 347 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:11,666 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas one and all. 348 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,399 - Jenna, this dinner is a disaster. 349 00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:37,859 - My life is ruined. 350 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,945 I just came up with the perfect couple's costume 351 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:42,238 for new queer's Eve, 352 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,449 and I can't use it because of stupid Paul. 353 00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:45,450 - You know what? 354 00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:47,422 The reason I'm not with my family right now 355 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:48,846 is because I didn't want any drama, 356 00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:49,954 and that's all I'm getting, 357 00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,682 first from these "jagwagons" and now you. 358 00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:53,541 Paul is the reason you're upset. 359 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,210 It's not about this party. - It's about the party. 360 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,755 I want to eat shrimp off an old gay 361 00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:00,131 dressed as baby new year. 362 00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:02,508 Ugh. 363 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,470 Hi, Colleen. 364 00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:06,802 - Hmm. - Are you all right? 365 00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:09,182 - Just thinking about my next move. 366 00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:10,975 - No, no. What next move? 367 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,020 - This thing hasn't even started. 368 00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:17,899 Welcome to my Christmas attack zone. 369 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,444 - Ladies of the battered women's shelter, 370 00:14:21,736 --> 00:14:23,821 please be quiet, a man is talking. 371 00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:27,700 You're about to watch a film that holds a mirror 372 00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:29,994 up to your own terrible lives. 373 00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:32,747 You're gonna see poverty, drug abuse, 374 00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:37,043 and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster. 375 00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:40,713 - Comedy is just as important... 'Portant...'Portant... 376 00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:44,634 Laughter is the best medicine... Medicine... Medicine... 377 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,595 - Damn it. I can't get Kenneth out of my head. 378 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:49,597 - Actually, he's behind you, tray. 379 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,057 He rode over here with us. 380 00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:52,629 You talked to him the whole ride. 381 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,102 - Well, he's right. 382 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,479 People do need to laugh, and I'm the medicine. 383 00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:58,189 - What are you doing? 384 00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,483 - Something I should have done a long time ago. 385 00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:02,568 - A long time ago? You just got here. 386 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,196 - Shut up, Dotcom. 387 00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:08,950 Ladies and children, 388 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:12,578 I give you the chunks 2.Ff' a very chunky Christmas. 389 00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:15,331 Lights. 390 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:19,335 Damn Christmas lights blew a... 391 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,671 Aah! 392 00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:35,309 - Well, this has turned out to be 393 00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:36,801 the opposite of what I wanted, 394 00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:39,397 and I'm gonna leave before anything else happens. 395 00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:40,898 So... - Oh, my god. 396 00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:44,152 - My arm is numb. 397 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:45,724 - What are you doing now, mother? 398 00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,572 - I think the stress... 399 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:49,282 - Don't go to her. 400 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:50,759 - Do you have shortness of breath? 401 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,703 Are you sweating? Do you have a neck or jaw pain? 402 00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:54,662 I had a couple of rich men die on top of me. 403 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:59,333 - It's like something... Like my son 404 00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:00,793 sitting on my chest. 405 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,420 - We should call an ambulance. 406 00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,589 - We are not calling anyone. 407 00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:07,091 - What's the matter with you? Your mother's not well. 408 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,802 - Can't you see that she's faking, Milton? 409 00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:12,472 There. Did anybody see that? 410 00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,100 - We have to call an ambulance. 411 00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:18,186 Listen to me, damn it. I'm a doctor. 412 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:19,562 - Of history. 413 00:16:19,854 --> 00:16:22,273 In what emergency would you be necessary... 414 00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:23,565 If someone wanted to know 415 00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:25,214 whether the '60s were awesome or not? 416 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,028 - They were. - You hang in there. 417 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,198 You need to meet our daughter, little Colleen. 418 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,366 - Seems like people are 419 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:36,037 back on my side, Jackie. 420 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:41,834 - Paul, my ex-lover. 421 00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:44,188 - Listen, i-I'm not here because I want to get back together. 422 00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:47,715 - Good. Me neither. 423 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,717 Can I get you a cup of coffee 424 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,260 or an absinthe enema? 425 00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:53,262 - No, thank you. I can't stay. 426 00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:54,722 I just wanted to let you know 427 00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,850 that I had an amazing idea for a couple's costume. 428 00:16:58,142 --> 00:16:59,143 - Well, so did I. 429 00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:00,603 What's yours? 430 00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:03,015 - Well, maybe we should just say them at the same time 431 00:17:03,147 --> 00:17:04,357 and see what happens. 432 00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,460 - You dress as Natalie Portman - I dress as Natalie Portman 433 00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:07,711 both: From the movie black swan, 434 00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:08,319 - and you dress - and I dress 435 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:09,713 both: As former Pittsburgh Steelers 436 00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:12,323 wide receiver and Pennsylvania gubernatorial nominee 437 00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:13,615 Lynn Swann. 438 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:16,118 We're two black swans. 439 00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:21,207 - Well, it is a druid solstice miracle 440 00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:23,000 that it wasn't a heart attack. 441 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:24,811 - Yes, I do believe a heart is required. 442 00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:26,128 - That is enough, Jack. 443 00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:28,714 What happened tonight was so scary, 444 00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:29,674 and the reason that it happened 445 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:32,593 is that we were not being honest with each other. 446 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,971 So from now on, no more secrets. 447 00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:37,348 - Okay. I'll go first. 448 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,058 I have a crush on the mentalist. 449 00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:40,810 - Just family only, Lemon, damn it. 450 00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:43,479 - There is one more secret 451 00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,566 Jack and I have been keeping from all of you. 452 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:49,485 We were planning to elope in the Caribbean 453 00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:51,697 over new year's, but now we want you all to come. 454 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:54,115 - Oh! How wonderful. 455 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:55,727 - You know what I learned tonight? 456 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,243 As hard as you try, 457 00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:59,370 no one can escape the horror of Christmas, 458 00:17:59,662 --> 00:18:01,789 so it might as well be with your own family. 459 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,250 I'm gonna go get a bus to white haven now, 460 00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:06,502 and I should be home just in time 461 00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:08,634 for aunt Linda to try to prove that she's sober 462 00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:10,631 by holding someone's baby while cooking. 463 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:13,009 - Listen, Jackie, everything I've ever done 464 00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:16,137 in life has been to protect you. 465 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,472 - I know. 466 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,349 - And if I got upset earlier, 467 00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:24,979 it's because I want your life to be perfect... 468 00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:26,271 Unlike mine. 469 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:27,666 - Don't let him off the hook, Colleen. 470 00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:31,402 What he did tonight was wrong, and he owes you an apology. 471 00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:34,822 - He's right. I almost died. 472 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:39,243 And using your father like that is so disrespectful. 473 00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,454 He's a doctor, for god sakes. 474 00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:44,415 - Your mother and I are very disappointed in you, Jack. 475 00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:48,169 - What are you smiling at, you fruitcake? 476 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:51,589 - Just my mom and dad yelling at me together. 477 00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:53,466 Milton, the Clinton boom years 478 00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:55,468 were just an after-effect of reaganomics, 479 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,679 and, mother, you cannot invite anyone 480 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,306 to the wedding. - What happened 481 00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:02,518 to the heart attack? - Let me tell you something. 482 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,257 You insult your own intelligence. 483 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,165 - I'll invite anybody I want to this wedding, 484 00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:10,483 to this wedding or any other wedding. 485 00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:11,942 - ♪ It is the night ♪ 486 00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:15,196 - ♪ Of our dear savior's birth ♪ 487 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:17,865 - You are a war criminal. I hate to say it. 488 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:21,577 Both: ♪ long lay the world ♪ 489 00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:27,041 ♪ in sin and darkness pining ♪ 490 00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:29,669 ♪ till he appeared ♪ 491 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:35,758 ♪ and the soul felt his worth ♪ 492 00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:39,637 ♪ a thrill of hope ♪ 493 00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:43,974 ♪ the weary world rejoices ♪ 494 00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:48,062 ♪ for yonder breaks ♪ 495 00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:52,483 ♪ a new and glorious morn ♪ 496 00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:55,152 ♪ fall ♪ 497 00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:59,949 ♪ on your knees ♪ 498 00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:03,119 ♪ oh, hear ♪ 499 00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:08,374 ♪ the angel voices ♪ 500 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:11,585 ♪ oh, night ♪ 501 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:15,256 ♪ divine ♪ 502 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:19,093 ♪ oh, night ♪ 503 00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:23,389 ♪ when Christ was born ♪ 504 00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:27,601 ♪ oh, night ♪ 505 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:31,397 ♪ divine ♪ 506 00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:34,567 ♪ oh, night ♪ 507 00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:37,361 ♪ when Christ was born ♪ 508 00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:43,325 - ♪ oh, holy night ♪ 509 00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:45,035 ♪ the stars ♪ 510 00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:50,833 ♪ are brightly shining ♪ 511 00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:53,544 ♪ it is the night ♪ 512 00:20:53,836 --> 00:20:57,882 ♪ of the dear savior's birth ♪ 513 00:20:58,174 --> 00:20:59,925 And I hope everybody, 514 00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:02,344 everybody have a merry Christmas. 515 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,276 And somebody needs to clean this table up. 516 00:21:04,472 --> 00:21:05,472 It's disgusting. 517 00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:06,723 Fred, wake up! 518 00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:09,935 - Merry Christmas from the chunks.