1 00:00:03,170 --> 00:00:05,170 - Listen, Greg, I've got the next big reality show. 2 00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:06,649 We put a bunch of people on a plane, 3 00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:07,966 fly them over the Atlantic, 4 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:10,552 then Tom bergeron comes out and reveals 5 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,638 that the pilot is a six-year-old boy. 6 00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:16,391 We call it "child hell flight." 7 00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:17,809 - Get out of here! 8 00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:19,561 He is pitching a no-hitter. - What? 9 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:20,562 - Starting at 4:00 P.M. yesterday, 10 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,357 when Mr. Donaghy coined the word "innoventually," 11 00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:25,609 he has been flawless. - So why do I have to leave? 12 00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:28,278 - Because you have so many unsolvable problems, 13 00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:29,696 like your mouth. 14 00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:32,008 It looks like somebody kicked a hole in a bag of flour. 15 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,367 Ow! 16 00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:34,826 - Good news, Jonathan. 17 00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,703 "Child hell flight" will "innoventually" 18 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,455 be on the spring schedule. 19 00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:39,827 - Oh! Congratulations, sir. 20 00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:42,209 Miss Lemon was just leaving. 21 00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:43,781 - Oh, no. Lemon, please come in. 22 00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:45,355 When you're pitching a perfect game, 23 00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:46,397 you don't walk Albert Pujols 24 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:49,424 and you are the Albert Pujols of having problems. 25 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,176 - Perfect game, huh? 26 00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:53,554 - I haven't done a single thing wrong 27 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,055 in almost 24 hours, 28 00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:57,224 and I'm including sex last night. 29 00:00:57,516 --> 00:01:00,060 Here's Avery's thank-you note. 30 00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:02,437 - Ugh! She likes that? 31 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,731 - No, but she respects it when it's done correctly. 32 00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:07,442 Lemon, you may be witnessing history here. 33 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,486 Making it through a full 24 hours 34 00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,618 without a single misstep is called "reaganing." 35 00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:13,580 The only other people who have ever done it... 36 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:15,499 Lee Iacocca, Jack Welch, and... no judgment... 37 00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:16,659 Saddam Hussein. 38 00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:18,662 So what have you got for me? 39 00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,014 - I need to get out to Newark airport. 40 00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:22,124 Carol's on a layover, and I really have to see him. 41 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,685 - You're horny, and you want to get some. 42 00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:25,085 I get it. - Ew, Jack, gross. 43 00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:26,378 Come on. 44 00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:28,547 I just want to see him, and I can't get a cab, 45 00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:31,258 because Greece is playing Pakistan in soccer. 46 00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:33,051 - Problem solved. I'll take you. 47 00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:34,343 - Really? 48 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:35,788 - I'll drop you off at the airport, 49 00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:36,388 then I'll swing by MSNBC. 50 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:37,960 I have to talk to Rachel Maddow. 51 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,684 Only one of us can have this haircut. 52 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:51,778 ♪ ♪ 53 00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:02,789 - K-Swiss, I need to cancel my gig for hosting 54 00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:05,375 the mtv international video music awards. 55 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,127 - Why wasn't I invited to that? 56 00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:08,837 My single is number four in Japan. 57 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,213 ♪ Choke me, choke me ♪ 58 00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:11,715 ♪ blonde like choke me ♪ 59 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,050 ♪ tee-hee-hee-hee-hee ♪ 60 00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:14,527 - I hate to bail, but I've been asked 61 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,832 to do a commercial for the boys and girls club of america, 62 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,389 and I just can't turn down community service, 63 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:21,308 because if I do, that judge will make me 64 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:22,893 join the coast guard. 65 00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:24,478 - Well, I also recently received 66 00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:26,229 an unexpected honor... 67 00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:29,399 From the Carvel ice cream corporation. 68 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:31,002 They gave me this after I performed 69 00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,146 on their "kidz 4-Eva!" Float 70 00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:34,363 during last year's Thanksgiving day parade. 71 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,740 - ♪ Ice cream ♪ 72 00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:39,493 ♪ hey, don't you want some ice cream? ♪ 73 00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:41,370 - I don't watch the Macy's parade. 74 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,163 If I want to see a 50-foot spider man, 75 00:02:43,455 --> 00:02:47,000 I'll just go into my rec room, thank you. 76 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:50,253 - Kenneth, take this card and get a cake for the crew. 77 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,589 - Oh, that's very thoughtful, miss Maroney. 78 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,692 - Well, one of the camera guys just had a baby, 79 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,093 and I'm sick of hearing about it. 80 00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:59,054 This will put me back on top. 81 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:01,347 - What's wrong, Lemon? 82 00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,076 When I see you chew your nails like that, 83 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:04,393 I'd say that you're very anxious, 84 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,311 or you've handled some ham earlier. 85 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:07,723 - When I get to the airport, 86 00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:09,481 I'm going to break up with Carol. 87 00:03:09,773 --> 00:03:11,274 - What? Lemon, I am shocked. 88 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:12,566 You two seemed so happy. 89 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:13,795 The other day, I saw you in the lobby 90 00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,112 laughing together. 91 00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:17,173 - A guy on crutches bit it in the revolving door, 92 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,997 and he was so scared. - So what's the problem? 93 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:20,385 You ate spaghetti in front of him? 94 00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:20,992 - Of course not. 95 00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:22,595 - He got a fungus from your shower? 96 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:23,036 - No. 97 00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,663 - You had a fight about something? 98 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,165 - No, we're not fighting. We don't fight. It's just... 99 00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:29,084 Nothing. I don't want to talk about it. 100 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:30,919 - Lemon, I've known you for four years, 101 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,088 and in that time, I've never known you 102 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,340 to be shy about talking about anything. 103 00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:38,051 - Well, I found my first Gray toe-knuckle hair. 104 00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:40,321 If I could push a button and five people in the world 105 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,681 would die, but I'd get free cable for life, I'd do it. 106 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,242 And I'd been on the toilet so long 107 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:45,506 that my legs had fallen asleep, 108 00:03:45,684 --> 00:03:48,437 so when I tried to stand, I just fell into my throw-up. 109 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,689 - There is one thing you don't like to talk about. 110 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,691 - Why aren't we moving? 111 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:54,109 - Sex, Lemon... 112 00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,486 Coitus, the beast with two backs. 113 00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:59,156 You and I have never had an adult conversation 114 00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:00,449 about boning. 115 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,409 - Ugh! Fine. 116 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:06,538 Carol and I are having an intimacy problem. 117 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,123 - Okay, so tell me what happened. 118 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:09,684 - I was visiting Carol in Las Vegas, 119 00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,293 and there was... 120 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,420 A performance issue. 121 00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:14,731 - That does happen to men. 122 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:17,007 I faced it myself with Greta Van Susteren 123 00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:18,675 before her head transplant. 124 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,303 You know, why don't I call Carol? 125 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:22,763 - No, don't do that. 126 00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:25,390 - I'm "reaganing," Lemon. Let me solve this. 127 00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:26,308 - It's not him. It's me. 128 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,200 I'm the one with the performance problem. 129 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:29,470 - What are you talking about? 130 00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:32,397 - I freaked out, and my junk closed for business. 131 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:36,359 It's like fort Knox down there. 132 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:38,091 - I'm just going to raise the barrier 133 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:40,113 if that's okeydokey with everyone. 134 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:43,450 - It's kind of like that. 135 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,537 - Tracy, haven't seen you 136 00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:50,248 since I was directing "Garfield 3," and you ruined it. 137 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,375 I had to move back in with my parents. 138 00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:53,168 - I envy you. 139 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,587 I don't really know my parents. 140 00:04:55,879 --> 00:04:57,881 - Okay. Let me take you through the concept. 141 00:04:58,173 --> 00:04:59,341 It's all one shot, all right? 142 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,426 We start on a boy shooting a basketball, 143 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,428 pan to some girls double-dutching, 144 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:06,348 then we pass the kid who does a flip on a trampoline, 145 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,475 follow a skateboarder who jumps the curb 146 00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:12,103 and whizzes past you for your line. 147 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:12,896 - What line? 148 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:15,106 - "Boys and girls clubs of america, 149 00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:16,066 be great." 150 00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:19,528 We faxed the script to someone named Grizz. 151 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,620 - Scripts get in the way of my process, Shawn. 152 00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:26,201 Let's just shoot a hundred of these and see what we get. 153 00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:28,411 - Here's your cake, miss Maroney. 154 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:30,038 Let's see. 155 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,957 "Jenny"? 156 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,417 That's not my name. 157 00:05:34,709 --> 00:05:36,312 I don't want wheelchair Jenny from accounting 158 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,420 getting credit for my cake. 159 00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,130 Take it back to Carvel. 160 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,091 - But then they'll just throw it out. 161 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:42,092 - So? 162 00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:44,237 - I know food's plentiful around here, miss Maroney, 163 00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:47,013 but back home on our pig farm, times are tough. 164 00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:50,100 We've had to sell off Sally, Julie, and poppy. 165 00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:51,768 - Are those some of your pigs? 166 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,436 - Yes. 167 00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:56,398 - Take the cake back, Kenneth. 168 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,820 - You know, your little problem makes sense, Lemon. 169 00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:04,698 You have more sexual hang-ups than an adult chat line 170 00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:06,157 run by Gilbert gottfried. 171 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:07,449 - What? 172 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,261 - That was written by a computer program 173 00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:10,680 we're working on to replace you. 174 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,372 - No, I don't have hang-ups. 175 00:06:12,664 --> 00:06:14,833 - You don't think you're a bit of a prude... 176 00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,419 A little squeamish and conservative? 177 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,212 - Sex always makes things worse. 178 00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:22,215 Jack, why don't you just say you want some...? 179 00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,187 - Is that sex, Lemon? - Is the way I do it. 180 00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:25,343 - We are lovers. 181 00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:26,696 - Oh, that word bums me out 182 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,930 unless it's between the words "meat" and "pizza." 183 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,765 Ugh! She likes that? 184 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,934 Okay, fine. Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. 185 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,266 I'm sorry I'm a real woman 186 00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:36,438 and not some oversexed New York nympho 187 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:40,108 like those sluts on Everybody Loves Raymond. 188 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,000 - Wow. This may be the greatest challenge 189 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,778 a potential "reaganer" has ever faced. 190 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,281 I'm gonna fix you and save your relationship with Carol. 191 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:47,741 - I don't need to be fixed. 192 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:50,118 - Has it happened before? - Yes... 193 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,162 With my college boyfriend Joel Sucheki, 194 00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:54,873 a couple of times with Dennis, and now Carol. 195 00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:56,684 - There has to be a root cause, maybe from your past. 196 00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:57,709 - There isn't, Jack. 197 00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,395 - There's got to be something. Go deep. 198 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,019 - You think I haven't thought about this? 199 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,231 There's nothing. - Dig. Dig down. 200 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,335 Dive into the sexual abyss. 201 00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:04,548 - Stop it, Jack! Stop it! 202 00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:07,886 Stop asking about the roller skates! 203 00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:13,975 - And... action! 204 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:25,111 ♪ ♪ 205 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:30,491 - What's my cue? 206 00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:31,897 You know what? It doesn't matter. 207 00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:33,077 I don't know my lines. 208 00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:34,328 - Cut! 209 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,625 Tracy, we're causing a huge traffic jam. 210 00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,293 - We're causing a huge traffic jam 211 00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,629 while getting paid to make dreams. 212 00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:44,756 We're the luckiest people on earth. 213 00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,758 Now someone get me a jolt cola! 214 00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:49,219 It does not exist anymore! 215 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,266 - Here's the money back from Carvel, miss Maroney... 216 00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:57,936 $23.94. 217 00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:00,105 - Hang on. She gave you cash? 218 00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:01,397 - Oh, yes, I'm sorry. 219 00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:03,441 I told the girl I didn't have your card, so... 220 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:06,236 - she must have thought you meant credit card. 221 00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:09,197 How many cashiers are at that store? 222 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,074 - Two. This is fun. 223 00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:12,450 - Oh, my god. 224 00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:14,182 We could run the short grift on this. 225 00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:16,579 It's been years since my mom and I 226 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,748 used to pull slip-and-falls at supermarkets. 227 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,351 I thought I was done with that life, 228 00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,460 but this is too good. 229 00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:24,792 We can pull an Arizona double-back on them, Kenneth. 230 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,631 - I don't understand what you're saying, 231 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:30,468 but I like that it has the word "we" in it. 232 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,805 - I'd like to order a cake that reads, 233 00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:35,557 "happy birthday, blenna." 234 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:39,477 - "Blenna"? - Yes. 235 00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:42,164 - I'm sorry, miss, but there's been a mistake with this cake, 236 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,898 and I'm afraid I don't have the card. 237 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:45,275 - Okay, um, I'm sorry. 238 00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:46,985 Um, I'll just give you cash back. 239 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:52,449 - I need a "happy blirthday, Jennica" cake. 240 00:08:58,455 --> 00:08:59,748 Yes. 241 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,584 "Bappy hirthday, Gremlin." 242 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:09,382 - Lemon, what do you want to tell me about the, uh... 243 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:10,341 Roller skates? 244 00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:11,633 - Why are we not moving? 245 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:14,054 What is causing this traffic jam? 246 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:25,182 ♪ ♪ 247 00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:31,571 - I'm sorry. I have an erection. 248 00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:33,531 I think it's the sound of the skateboard. 249 00:09:33,823 --> 00:09:36,367 We're going again. Everybody safely back to one. 250 00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:39,329 - Let me help you. I am unstoppable today. 251 00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:40,747 If it'll make it any easier, 252 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:44,250 imagine you're telling your story to Reagan himself. 253 00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,502 Well, Liz, will you tell 254 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,963 the gipper your sexual story? 255 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:52,550 Mommy? 256 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,844 - I was nine years old. 257 00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:56,805 I was roller-skating in the house, 258 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,681 which was absolutely forbidden. 259 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,517 I was skating down the hallway 260 00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,769 on top of the world with my new skates 261 00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,896 and my new haircut, which everybody thought 262 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:08,608 was a Dorothy hamill, but was actually a Pete Rose. 263 00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,361 Anyway, I needed to go to the bathroom, 264 00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:13,279 but the door was locked. 265 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,865 My recently divorced aunt had moved in with us, 266 00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:17,951 and I was sharing a bathroom with her. 267 00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:21,162 To be prepared, I tried to take my underpants off 268 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,498 over my roller skates. 269 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,042 I slipped, and as I fell, 270 00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:29,462 I pulled down this poster of the singer Tom Jones 271 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:30,463 that my aunt had put up. 272 00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:34,551 My mom heard the noise and ran and found me... 273 00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:37,053 Squirming under the Tom Jones poster 274 00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:40,723 with my underpants around my ankles. 275 00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:44,435 It didn't look good, Jack. 276 00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:47,272 She thought I did it on purpose. 277 00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:49,274 And she didn't say a word. 278 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:52,777 She just went in my room and took all my posters... 279 00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,905 Grizzly Adams, Larry Wilcox, 280 00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:59,409 Han Solo, tug McGraw, 281 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:02,078 Mike schmidt, Kermit, 282 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,872 Gunther gebel-Williams. 283 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,749 She took all the people away, Jack. 284 00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,460 Sex makes the people go away! 285 00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:18,469 - I'm gonna see what's up with this traffic. 286 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,473 - Oh, here's your money back, ma'am. 287 00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:25,161 Boy, they sure are making a lot of mistakes over there today. 288 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,704 - Do you really not understand what we're doing? 289 00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:27,270 - Of course I do. 290 00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:29,314 We're standing here talking, 291 00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:32,901 adding brick after brick to our friendship castle 292 00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:36,321 so it someday reaches the sky. 293 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:37,780 - With Carvel, Kenneth. 294 00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:39,073 We're conning them. 295 00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:42,660 I'm ordering messed-up cakes and getting them free with my card. 296 00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:44,787 Then you're returning them for cash. 297 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,332 We're selling back free cakes. 298 00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:49,626 - But, miss Maroney, that's wrong 299 00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:51,920 and illegal. 300 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,839 If cookie puss knew, he'd tear us apart with his fangs. 301 00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,841 - Well, here's your cut. 302 00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,636 We're not hurting anybody. Carvel's got plenty of money. 303 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:00,595 - But the... - Shh. 304 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,263 I need a partner to pull this off 305 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:03,699 and think of all the good you can do 306 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,433 with that money back home. 307 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:06,768 - They do need help. 308 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,728 And with enough money, they could buy 309 00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:10,813 those magic beans from that old hermit. 310 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,565 We'd be rich. 311 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:13,857 Hang on. 312 00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:15,526 Why isn't the hermit rich? 313 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,488 Oh, wait. He is. He has a lot of friends. 314 00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,615 - Take the money, Kenneth. 315 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,158 Help your family. 316 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,410 No one will ever know. 317 00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:38,591 ♪ ♪ 318 00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,138 - Shirt on or off, Shawn? 319 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:45,431 - On! - Good note! 320 00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:46,432 Back to one! 321 00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:48,601 Hey, Jackie D! 322 00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:52,272 Let's take a quick 500 so everybody can meet Jack! 323 00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:53,563 - You know him? 324 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,442 Please help me get his line. Fix this. 325 00:12:56,734 --> 00:13:00,196 - No, I don't need any more problems to solve, 326 00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:02,407 especially not him. 327 00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:04,284 I am the sisyphus of "reaganing." 328 00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:05,785 - Yeah! 329 00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:08,079 That's the kind of stuff I should be saying. 330 00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:11,582 It's in my head now. Let's roll. 331 00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:13,584 - I'm sorry, jelly beans. 332 00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:16,754 I know how much the gipper liked you, and... 333 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:19,007 I've failed him. 334 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,633 It's funny. 335 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,719 I remember George Shultz telling me 336 00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,679 how later in Reagan's presidency 337 00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:28,266 when his mind was, uh, resting... 338 00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:31,185 How they would use jelly beans to convince people 339 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,229 that he was... 340 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,273 That's it. 341 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:36,607 I know how to fix Tracy. 342 00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,443 Make him eat these. 343 00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:40,028 I'll take care of the rest. 344 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:51,205 ♪ ♪ 345 00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:56,294 Boys and girls clubs of america, 346 00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:58,254 be great. 347 00:13:58,546 --> 00:13:59,630 - Oh, my god. 348 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,215 We got it! 349 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:05,970 - I'm on my way, Liz Lemon. 350 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,598 Make way. I'm "reaganing." 351 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,267 - Don't you worry. 352 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,730 I'm sending you some money so you can get your operation. 353 00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:17,502 Now, can you put a human on the phone? 354 00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:20,151 Hello? 355 00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:27,325 - Well, Kenneth, it's over. 356 00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:28,868 I got made at Carvel. 357 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,913 They figured out our scam and gave me this. 358 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,873 - What? No. 359 00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:35,917 - Sorry. It's the short grift. 360 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:38,086 You got to walk away. 361 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,796 - We can't stop now. 362 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:41,631 My family needs money. 363 00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:43,216 - But they're onto us. 364 00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:45,927 - I have another idea... For a long con. 365 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,179 - Kenneth, I know your intentions are good, 366 00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:50,681 but I don't like what this is doing to you. 367 00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,476 You seem meaner and stronger. 368 00:14:53,768 --> 00:14:56,979 What if you got a motorcycle, and we did it on it? 369 00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:59,690 - Are you in or not? - What's the angle? 370 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:03,027 - Who else was on that Thanksgiving float with you? 371 00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,154 - One last long grift, huh? 372 00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:07,532 Okay, I'm in. 373 00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,075 But one rule... 374 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,035 Anybody gets hurt during the score, 375 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:12,745 we leave them behind to die. 376 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,622 Now... 377 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,375 Who are you, and what are we doing? 378 00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,252 - That cake is worth $40. 379 00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:21,003 - I'm not sure we can do that. 380 00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:24,173 - Liz wrote this sketch before she left. 381 00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,134 - Ice-cream-cake eating contest? 382 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,970 Okay, we're gonna need about 20 cakes for this. 383 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,262 I'll tell props. 384 00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,557 - No, Pete. I'll tell props. 385 00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:33,849 - Okay. 386 00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:35,351 - Good afternoon. 387 00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:36,923 I would like 21 cakes that read, 388 00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:39,230 "Frajer reunion 2010." 389 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,190 - Isn't it "Frasier"? 390 00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,482 - No, it's "Frajer." 391 00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:45,987 And I should know. I'm "Frajer." 392 00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,555 I mean, "Frajer"? 393 00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:13,306 Come on. 394 00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:15,183 I should throw some tossed salad 395 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,895 and scrambled eggs at you. 396 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,565 - "Frajer." 397 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,991 No. 398 00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:36,078 "Frajer"! 399 00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:37,997 - We sold the cakes twice. 400 00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:40,291 You're a genius, Kenneth. 401 00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,502 - $800 split 3 ways. 402 00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:44,233 Those ice-cream saps will rue the day 403 00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:45,838 they ever tangled with... 404 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,673 The best friends gang. 405 00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:55,181 - Lemon! Why did you leave? 406 00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:56,473 I'm trying to help you. 407 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,601 - You can't help me. No one can. 408 00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:00,978 - Well, I'm fixing you, 409 00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:02,605 and I'm saving your relationship. 410 00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:03,897 I can do it. 411 00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:06,150 Look, sex is a beautiful, natural, 412 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:09,320 and joyful part of our shared human experience. 413 00:17:09,612 --> 00:17:10,772 - Hey, you two want to party? 414 00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:11,965 - Now is not a good time, miss. 415 00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,074 - $20 for a party, 416 00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,117 $60 to bite me during it. 417 00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:17,449 I'll do stuff with a dog, but I get to pick the dog. 418 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:19,302 - People want that? - This is not helping! 419 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,748 - You want to watch me be with her? 420 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,040 Me with you? 421 00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,918 Me and both of you without my leg? 422 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:24,752 - Thank you. 423 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,254 Just, uh, take this 424 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:27,546 and, uh, move along. 425 00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:28,917 - You two are pretty uptight 426 00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,259 for hanging out under a bridge. 427 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,594 - Sex is horrible. 428 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,015 - What is it? - It's 4:00, sir. 429 00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:40,476 You did it... a day of perfect problem solving. 430 00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:42,645 Gifts have been coming in all afternoon. 431 00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:44,105 It's 4:00? 432 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,023 - And you fixed me, so... 433 00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:47,733 Yay. 434 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:48,609 - Send everything back. 435 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,279 - What? Why? - I didn't do it. 436 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:52,572 I failed. 437 00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:54,490 - It's her, isn't it? - Sorry. 438 00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:57,076 - I hate her, sir! 439 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:04,250 - Stupid cookie puss! 440 00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:05,710 - Are you all right, miss? 441 00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:09,797 - I just got fired 'cause Kelsey Grammer scammed me. 442 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,249 Forget trying to go straight. 443 00:18:11,382 --> 00:18:15,928 I'm going back to working under that bridge. 444 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,306 I know. 445 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:19,718 - Kenneth, we got a new con. 446 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,172 We're gonna go down to Florida, 447 00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:22,935 open up a medical-supply store, 448 00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:24,707 then get some social security numbers. 449 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:26,314 - Through seduction. 450 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:27,607 - I'm sorry, sir-ma'am. 451 00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,066 I'm out. - What? 452 00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:30,526 Why? 453 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:32,278 - Because miss Maroney was wrong. 454 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,822 People did get hurt by our actions. 455 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,450 And, yes, my family sure could use 456 00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:40,786 a couple hundred more dollars, but it's not right. 457 00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:42,663 - A couple hundred dollars, huh? 458 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,290 I think I can help you out. 459 00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:46,500 But first I'm gonna need $50 to get started. 460 00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:48,586 - Kelsey, no. 461 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:50,129 I'm proud of you, Kenneth. 462 00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:51,839 You've got a good heart. 463 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,609 I hope you get into a car accident someday, 464 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:54,925 so I can have it. 465 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:56,777 - Now there's only one thing left to do. 466 00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,888 Beat you out of the best friends gang. 467 00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:10,858 - Well, it's been a pretty rough day, 468 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,430 but at least we're in Newark now. 469 00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,010 - What are you gonna do about Carol? 470 00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,089 - I'm gonna break up with him, let him off the hook. 471 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:17,531 - That would be a mistake, Lemon. 472 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,492 Yes, you are the sexual equivalent 473 00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:21,786 of a million hindenburgs, but you deserve 474 00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:23,746 someone like Carol in your life, 475 00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:25,278 and he deserves you, because... 476 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,142 And I'm only gonna say this once a decade... 477 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,542 You're great. 478 00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,003 You're Liz Lemon, damn it. 479 00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:32,495 In certain lights, you're an 8 480 00:19:32,713 --> 00:19:34,298 using east coast over-35 standards, 481 00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:35,883 excluding Miami. 482 00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,175 - Thanks, Jack. 483 00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:38,761 - You go in there, you grab Carol, 484 00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:40,739 you take him into one of those unisex family bathrooms, 485 00:19:40,763 --> 00:19:42,203 pull down that diaper-changing thing, 486 00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:44,266 and go to town on him. 487 00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:46,158 - I'll try, but if I couldn't get it done 488 00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,104 in Vegas after a Penn & teller show, 489 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,022 I don't know how it's gonna happen here. 490 00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:53,109 - Wait a minute. 491 00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:55,161 You had your problem with Carol in Las Vegas? 492 00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:56,481 - So? - The Tom Jones poster. 493 00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,781 Tom Jones plays Vegas all the time. 494 00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:00,533 He has billboards everywhere. 495 00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:01,409 - No kidding. 496 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,786 There was one right outside our hotel-room window. 497 00:20:04,078 --> 00:20:05,371 Oh, my god. 498 00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:06,765 - Think back to your college boyfriend. 499 00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:08,165 Was there any... - Yes! 500 00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:09,792 When this happened with Joel, 501 00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:11,353 what's new pussycat? Was playing 502 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:12,377 on the bus we were on. 503 00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:13,254 I mean, the room we were in. 504 00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:14,826 And when it happened with Dennis, 505 00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:16,129 he had just gotten a perm. 506 00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:17,420 - Tom Jones is the trigger. 507 00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:20,428 He makes you remember your mother taking the people away. 508 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,138 - Does this mean I'm fixed? 509 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:24,630 - Oh, god, no. You've got years of therapy ahead of you, 510 00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:25,682 probably electroshock. 511 00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:28,519 But this is a breakthrough, Lemon, and a big one. 512 00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,931 - Jack Donaghy, in my book, you're better than Reagan. 513 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,999 - I appreciate that, Lemon, but if you ever speak ill 514 00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:37,153 of Reagan again, I will smack those teeth straight. 515 00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:41,449 - U-s-a! U-s-a! 516 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,577 U-s-a! U-s-a! 517 00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:48,873 He's at JFK. 518 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:54,211 I wrote it down wrong. 519 00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:59,925 - How is the sex? - Fast and only on Saturdays. 520 00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:01,217 It's perfect. 521 00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:02,503 I have been sexually rejected 522 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,389 by not one, but two guys 523 00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:07,391 who later went to clown college. 524 00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,843 And one time at summer camp, I kissed a girl on a dare, 525 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,353 but then she drowned. 526 00:21:11,645 --> 00:21:13,606 It was the first gay guy I ever kissed. 527 00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:15,316 Standing up? What? 528 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:16,650 How does that even work? 529 00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:19,028 You haven't had sex? - Shh. 530 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:20,960 We have, of course, pleasured one another. 531 00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:22,239 - No, stop. I believe. 532 00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:24,408 Ugh! Stop saying, "relationship." 533 00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:26,340 - I'm sorry. I was going to say, "climax." 534 00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:27,619 - Ah!