1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:03,462
- Liz, I've helped
a lot of women
2
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:04,994
who are struggling to conceive.
3
00:00:05,214 --> 00:00:07,925
I know how trying
the process can be,
4
00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:10,260
because I've been
through it myself.
5
00:00:10,552 --> 00:00:12,137
- Carol, they're
towing your car!
6
00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:13,889
- Damn it. My kids are in there.
7
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:15,181
- No! How?
8
00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:17,309
I came all the way
up to Westchester
9
00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:18,601
just to avoid you.
10
00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:20,896
- This is
Westchester? I am lost.
11
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,856
Now, fertility shots...
12
00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:25,234
That's a euphemism, right?
13
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,326
- No, my husband and
I are trying to conceive.
14
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:28,802
- I'm gonna write
you a prescription
15
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:30,447
for progesterone injections.
16
00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:31,949
That's a female hormone.
17
00:00:32,241 --> 00:00:34,302
Now, I know what you're
thinking, and the answer is no.
18
00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:36,578
If a man takes it, he
won't grow breasts,
19
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,413
although that would be awesome.
20
00:00:38,705 --> 00:00:40,499
No money for the
whorehouse? That's fine.
21
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,459
I'll just look down
while hiding my crotch
22
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:43,752
with an oriental fan.
23
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,044
- Injections?
24
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:48,632
- "Injections"?
Yeah, injections.
25
00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:51,218
Are you Dr. Leo Spaceman?
26
00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:52,886
- Come with us to Washington.
27
00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:54,178
You've just been named
28
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:55,448
surgeon general
of the United States.
29
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:56,952
Hey, that's a series wrap
30
00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,934
on Leo Spaceman, suckers.
31
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:00,227
- Bye.
32
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:12,114
♪ ♪
33
00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:25,377
- Are you doping?
34
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:27,629
Liz Lemon, that stuff
will shrink your testicles,
35
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,048
but there are bad
side effects as well.
36
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:32,220
- No, Tracy. Not that
it's any of your business,
37
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:33,821
but I am starting
fertility treatments.
38
00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:35,071
- Huh. Now, I'm not a woman,
39
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,055
so of course I can
say whatever I want.
40
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,266
This seems really
weird and unnatural.
41
00:01:39,558 --> 00:01:42,227
"Side effects include mood
swings, increased irritability,
42
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:44,563
and swelling of
one or more boobs."
43
00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:46,249
- Can I help you with something?
- Yeah.
44
00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,567
I'm about to start shooting
my new Harriet tubman movie,
45
00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,652
and I got Octavia
Spencer to play the lead...
46
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:51,653
Harriet something.
47
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,780
- You know, I once
played Frederick douglass
48
00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,073
in a one-woman show
49
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:57,051
that the university of
Maryland diamondback called
50
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:58,493
"too confusing to be offensive."
51
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,454
- Point is, I won't
be at rehearsal
52
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:02,414
at all this week.
- No, Tracy.
53
00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:03,999
- Exactly. No Tracy.
54
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,084
Thanks for being
so understanding.
55
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,884
- Good morning, Jack.
- Oh, Hank.
56
00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:15,969
- I was so sorry to
hear about your mother.
57
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:17,261
- Thank you, Hank.
58
00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:18,615
- I remember my
own mother's passing.
59
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:19,679
She wanted to be cremated,
60
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:21,433
and she ended
up dying in a fire.
61
00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,143
Such a considerate woman.
62
00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:24,561
- Well, on a brighter note,
63
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:26,213
I should wish you
a happy birthday.
64
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:27,981
- Oh, no, no. It's
not my birthday yet.
65
00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:31,902
And it only counts when
it's actually on your birthday.
66
00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:33,514
I have very strict
birthday rules.
67
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:38,283
One... birthday boy always
sleeps in the largest tiger cage.
68
00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:41,286
Some of the rules may be
specific to my time in Vietnam.
69
00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:43,330
Now, Jack, as you know,
70
00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:45,499
the Kabletown board
is meeting this Friday.
71
00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:48,001
I promised my
wife I'd step aside
72
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:49,544
when I turned 70,
73
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:53,006
but it's very important to
me that control of Kabletown
74
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:55,092
stays in the Hooper family.
75
00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:58,178
But my kids are creative types.
76
00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,305
- Yes, I understand
that Hank Jr. is writing
77
00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:01,973
a children's book
about a giraffe
78
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:03,825
who learns he doesn't
have to work hard.
79
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,144
- But they say sometimes
it skips a generation.
80
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:07,756
I think you know
my granddaughter.
81
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,815
- Sir, Kaylie is only 15.
82
00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:12,210
- Yeah, but when she gets
out of college, she'll be 21.
83
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,486
That's the same age I was
when I started Kabletown,
84
00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:16,530
got married, and had
my first white child.
85
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,949
- Hank, please think
about your other options.
86
00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:22,828
- Jack, you've done an
excellent job with NBC.
87
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,413
I admit I was skeptical
88
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,289
when I first saw
your fall schedule.
89
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,421
"What? Is this guy trying
to tank the company?"
90
00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,544
But, boy, you proved me wrong.
91
00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:34,715
Celebrity homonym is the
number-one show in america.
92
00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,675
- The word is "racket."
93
00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:39,386
- Okay, "racket,"
like a tennis racket.
94
00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:40,387
- Sorry. It's the other one.
95
00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:42,889
- Again? You know what, pal?
96
00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:44,981
Why don't you come
over here and tell me that?
97
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:46,893
- I am grateful.
98
00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,603
That's why I came
up with a solution
99
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,095
that will make everyone happy.
100
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:54,234
Until Kaylie graduates,
you'll be her assistant CEO.
101
00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:55,526
- "Assistant"?
102
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:56,737
- CEO.
103
00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,989
She'll be on the board,
learning the ropes,
104
00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:01,074
and you'll keep her chair warm.
105
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:05,203
It'll work great, just
like Conan and Jay.
106
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,793
Have you ever updated
your flash player?
107
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,754
It is so sad.
108
00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:16,173
What happens to version 11 .4?
109
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,105
- Oh, what now?
- I'm taking hormone shots
110
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,718
to have a baby,
you son of a bitch!
111
00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,970
A beautiful little baby.
112
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,890
Being a woman is the worst.
113
00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:28,018
- Lemon, Hank
Hooper just told me
114
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:29,895
I will never be
CEO of Kabletown,
115
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,947
but he doesn't know
about my secret weapon...
116
00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:33,273
My mother's death.
117
00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:34,885
- Wait. So we're both crazy?
- No.
118
00:04:35,066 --> 00:04:37,186
I've spent my life trying to
win my mother's approval,
119
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:38,737
but she never gave it to me,
120
00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,423
which means I
can't ever stop trying,
121
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,199
even when faced with
an impossible task,
122
00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:44,659
like making Hank choose me
over his own granddaughter.
123
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,870
- How much time do you have?
- Three days.
124
00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:48,482
It's exactly the
kind of challenge
125
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:50,227
my mother's anti-love
prepared me for.
126
00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:52,209
I'll make you proud
of me yet, Colleen!
127
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:53,741
It'll either be my masterpiece,
128
00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:55,045
or I will resign in shame.
129
00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:56,880
Just like poor Nixon.
130
00:04:57,172 --> 00:05:00,842
He did good things in China.
131
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:03,969
- Hey.
132
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,806
- Octavia, excellent,
you're black.
133
00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:06,681
Now, in this scene,
134
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,558
you're gonna enter
through the door.
135
00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:09,976
- Mm. I don't think so.
136
00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:11,454
I'm gonna walk
in from over here.
137
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:12,771
- But the door.
138
00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,332
- Well, you're just gonna
have to rewrite the script
139
00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,358
and explain how my
character can go through walls.
140
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:19,778
Also, I want to wear a
t-shirt, promote my website.
141
00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:22,030
- But slaves
didn't wear t-shirts.
142
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,407
- That sounds like a
Tracy problem, Tracy.
143
00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,699
I'm done for the day.
144
00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,271
I got to go home
and feed my eels.
145
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,037
They're not electric,
but I have a plan.
146
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:33,166
Mizz, DotGov, let's roll.
147
00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:40,799
- Len, I'm in the endgame here
with this Kabletown situation.
148
00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,593
Do you have anything
on Kaylie for me?
149
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,165
- Well, Mr. Donaghy,
you asked me
150
00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,662
to pull out all the stops on
this, so I went deep undercover,
151
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,599
and I applied for a
job as a drama teacher
152
00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:50,517
at Kaylie's school.
153
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:51,893
Hi, I'm Ms. Foster,
154
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,687
but, please, call me jan.
155
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:56,940
Boy, Jay-Z and Shakespeare
have nothing in common.
156
00:05:57,232 --> 00:06:00,610
Or do they?
157
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:03,822
Fyi... jan foster is currently
in a "lesbian relationship"
158
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:05,782
with Ms. Siegal from
the math department.
159
00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:07,760
- Okay, I don't know why
you had to be a woman.
160
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:08,824
- Let me worry about that.
161
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:10,996
The point is jan
took these pictures
162
00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:12,497
this morning outside school.
163
00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:17,002
She thinks you'll be
very interested in them.
164
00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:19,880
- Banks.
165
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:23,008
- Pedal faster, fatties.
166
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:26,011
God, I love how
much you disgust me.
167
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:31,808
Class dismissed.
168
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,810
- Really, Banks? Spin class?
169
00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,562
Isn't that a bit
of a gay cliche?
170
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:36,897
- You're the gay one.
171
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:38,988
Wanting to be with a
woman... How gay is that?
172
00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:40,609
You win sex against a man,
173
00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,044
that's as straight as it gets.
174
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,653
- You were good...
One of the best.
175
00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:44,945
But look at you now.
176
00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,157
Hitching your wagon
to a 15-year-old girl?
177
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:50,118
Look, I understand why
Kaylie would seek you out.
178
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,411
No one knows me better.
179
00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:54,164
But you also know that
Jack Donaghy always wins.
180
00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:56,496
Or have you forgotten the
time we played battleship?
181
00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:58,084
Remember a-8?
182
00:06:58,376 --> 00:06:59,711
- You peeked.
183
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:02,213
Why are you here, Jack?
184
00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:03,673
- To propose something,
185
00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:05,675
something no one
would ever expect...
186
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:06,967
An alliance.
187
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:08,219
Think about it.
188
00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:10,031
How much time and
energy have we wasted
189
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:13,391
with our sparring and our
gravel-voiced double entendres?
190
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:14,726
- An assload.
191
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,018
- If we joined forces,
192
00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:18,063
we could become the
greatest business power duo
193
00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:21,024
since Gregory linens teamed
up with Thomas N'Things.
194
00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:25,737
And whatever Kaylie's
offering, I'll double it.
195
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,698
- I'll tell you what
Kaylie's offering me...
196
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,270
100 grand to keep my mouth shut.
197
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,011
- Keep your mouth
shut? What do you mean?
198
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:35,038
- I know certain things,
Jack, about Kaylie's father...
199
00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:37,499
Certain super-gay things.
200
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:38,833
- Hank's son is gay?
201
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:40,210
How gay, Banks,
202
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,302
on a scale from bear
hunting to hunting bears?
203
00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:45,173
Gay enough that Kaylie's
parents have never actually had
204
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,967
heterosexual intercourse.
205
00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:48,903
Word is Kaylie's real
father is the poole boy.
206
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:49,927
Do you know him...
207
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,072
Frederick poole's
grandson Trevor?
208
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:52,114
Very handsome,
horrible personality...
209
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:53,348
I'm totally in love with him.
210
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,393
- But if Kaylie isn't really
Hank's granddaughter...
211
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:57,965
- Then she isn't
actually family.
212
00:07:58,186 --> 00:07:59,205
And once she's
out of the picture,
213
00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:00,873
you're the only choice
to take over Kabletown.
214
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,208
And you're gonna
take me with you.
215
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,776
- But how do we prove
Kaylie's not a Hooper?
216
00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,068
- All we need is DNA.
217
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,988
I've got a ton of her dad's.
218
00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:12,158
- So we just need Kaylie's.
219
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:26,006
Hi, Bev. It's Liz.
220
00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:27,297
- Oh, Liz!
221
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:29,235
Yeah, definitely, don't
give me your last name,
222
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:30,695
because I only deal
with one person a year,
223
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:32,178
so I know exactly who you are.
224
00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:33,470
- It's Elizabeth Lemon.
225
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,016
I've been on the agency's
list for a few years now.
226
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:37,976
I wanted to see if
you got my letter
227
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:39,477
updating my marital status.
228
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:40,849
- Oh, yes. Congratulations.
229
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,231
You've moved from the
"well-meaning lesbian" pile
230
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,191
to "found a man,
comma, living a lie."
231
00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:47,986
That brings your wait time
down to only four years.
232
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,446
- Four years?
233
00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:51,823
So I'll be 46 by the
time I get a baby?
234
00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,835
- Unless you'd like
to adopt an older child.
235
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,510
I can give you a
six-year-old yesterday.
236
00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:56,995
Pick a color.
237
00:08:57,287 --> 00:08:59,414
- Oh, I just always pictured
myself getting a newborn.
238
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,906
- And I always pictured myself
239
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,751
getting double-teamed
by two the rocks.
240
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,878
But sometimes we have
to make compromises.
241
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:06,570
Let me know if you
change your mind.
242
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:11,801
Hmm.
243
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:16,264
Jack, how old is too old
for a woman to have a baby?
244
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,556
- 19.
245
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:18,844
- Look, I have three options
246
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,202
if I still want to
start a family.
247
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,728
There's the old-fashioned way,
248
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,664
but these hormone
treatments are the worst.
249
00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:24,968
And even if they
work, at my age,
250
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:26,948
the kid might just come
out a ball of fingers.
251
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:30,070
- Steve Forbes was
born a ball of fingers.
252
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,113
He had the best
surgeons money can buy,
253
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,948
but you can still tell.
254
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,618
- So option two
is adopting a baby,
255
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,286
but I have to wait
four more years.
256
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:39,578
I'll be almost 70
257
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:41,498
when she graduates from college,
258
00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:44,292
which just leaves option
three... Adopting an older kid,
259
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,984
but I don't think I
can handle that.
260
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,366
- Really? Wouldn't
that be easier
261
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:48,829
than taking care of an infant?
262
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:50,816
- No. With a baby, you
know what you're getting.
263
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,000
With an older kid, who knows?
264
00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:54,719
For every orphan Annie, there's
a 30-year-old Russian dwarf
265
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:56,429
who's just pretending
to be a child,
266
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,441
according to a movie
that I watched part of.
267
00:09:58,515 --> 00:09:59,974
- We are both at a
crossroads, Lemon.
268
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,393
I have chosen my path.
It's time you do the same.
269
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:05,313
- Hello, partner.
270
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:06,648
- What's happening here?
271
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,375
- What's happening
to your left blob?
272
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,360
- It's the hormones.
- Lemon, thanks to Banks,
273
00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:12,052
I have reason to
believe that Kaylie
274
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:13,480
is not her father's daughter.
275
00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:15,323
- The reason being
a week-long party
276
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,935
in Stephen sondheim's
sex dungeon.
277
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,701
The workmanship
down there is exquisite,
278
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,120
but it took forever.
279
00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:21,611
- Oh, renovations in New York.
280
00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:23,123
The point is, when
Hank finds out
281
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,494
that Kaylie's not family...
282
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,549
- oh, my god, are you
planning on telling Hank
283
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:28,115
just so you can get a promotion?
284
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:30,171
- Not just a
promotion. I'll be CEO.
285
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,090
- And I'll be NBC's
head of publicity.
286
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:34,276
You'll never see me again.
I'll be on a beach somewhere.
287
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,620
- I know this is
important to you,
288
00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:36,998
but you are off the rails, Jack.
289
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,538
- Thanks for the
compliment, Lemon.
290
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,390
Train travel's for hoboes.
291
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:42,267
- What you're doing
makes no sense.
292
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:43,768
You're teaming up with Devin?
293
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,420
- Hey, listen, I've
changed, Lemon.
294
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,313
The only backstabbing
I do now is...
295
00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:48,690
Well, you know.
296
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,442
Every time I think we're done
with that, we find another one.
297
00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:53,254
- You're trying to
tear apart a family.
298
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:55,089
You're in a blood feud
with a teenage girl.
299
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:57,866
All she wants to do is talk
about boys and text on her phone
300
00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,638
and, if she's like
me, sit in a closet
301
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:01,669
with a flashlight and
memorize airport codes.
302
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,621
- Her phone. Lemon,
you're a genius.
303
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:05,665
That's how we get Kaylie's DNA.
304
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:07,877
Teenage girls can't stop
looking at their phones.
305
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:09,961
It's like me with
paintings of cannons.
306
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:12,755
- Yes, her DNA's all
over that phone, of course.
307
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:15,133
But how can we get
close enough to steal it?
308
00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:16,926
- We need a teenage girl.
309
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:18,498
- Or someone
who thinks like one.
310
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,180
Damn it. Why do I
keep helping you?
311
00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:21,931
I'll just do anything
for approval.
312
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:23,223
I would have been a Nazi.
313
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:26,686
- Who do we know who's
immature and vicious enough to...
314
00:11:26,978 --> 00:11:30,023
- let's destroy her.
315
00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:33,860
Now, what can I do
for you two gentlemen?
316
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,033
- Hello, Mr. Director.
317
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:40,950
- So how's the movie going?
- Terrible.
318
00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:43,745
Octavia won't do
anything I tell her to do.
319
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,121
She left early.
320
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:46,915
She's completely unprofessional.
321
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:47,790
- I don't know, tray.
322
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,210
Sound like she acting like you.
323
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:51,645
- But I'm impossible
to deal with.
324
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:54,881
No one has ever been able
to rein in my hilarious antics.
325
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,967
- Liz Lemon does it every
day and looks great doing it.
326
00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:00,220
- Okay. So I should
just act like her.
327
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:02,805
W.W.R.X.W.
328
00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:05,892
What would Liz Lemon do?
329
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:08,894
- Kaylie Hooper.
330
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:10,178
To what do I owe the pleasure?
331
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:13,650
- Jack, pleasure's the
name of a pony I hate.
332
00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:16,653
This is business.
333
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,614
So I just happened to
bump into Jenna Maroney
334
00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:21,282
at lunch this afternoon.
335
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:22,909
What are the chances?
336
00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:24,535
- What did you
do to her, Hooper?
337
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:26,187
- Oh, her brain's
like silly putty,
338
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,873
a toy I am too old for.
339
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:31,167
Kaylie Hooper.
340
00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,336
O.M.G. it's Jenna.
341
00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:35,797
- You're wearing that
belt as a joke, right?
342
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,966
Of course I am.
343
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,051
Where did you get
your belt? You're so cool.
344
00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,503
Jack is trying to destroy you
345
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,472
and wants me to
steal your phone.
346
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:47,684
Yeah, great plan, Jack.
347
00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:50,478
Kaylie, you look
so gorgeous today.
348
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,897
I'm wearing a headband
because you are.
349
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:54,232
- Pathetic.
350
00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:57,235
What did you think you were
gonna do... blackmail me?
351
00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:59,296
Please, I don't keep anything
on my phone anymore.
352
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,906
I use Gadzorp.
353
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,198
- What on earth is that?
354
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,326
- You're so old and
out of touch, Donaghy.
355
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:09,789
I might as well be looking
at Justin Timberlake.
356
00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:35,064
♪ ♪
357
00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:37,734
- I quit, cows. Tell
your husbands I tried.
358
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:40,570
How'd you get these
DNA results back so fast?
359
00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:42,423
- I happen to have some
very powerful friends
360
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:43,573
at the Maury Povich show.
361
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,265
- Kaylie's not Hank's
granddaughter.
362
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:47,869
I knew it.
363
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,997
- Would you like to, uh...
364
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:52,332
Do the honors?
365
00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:57,462
Look how far we've come, Jack.
366
00:13:57,754 --> 00:14:00,256
From enemies to
partners to who knows.
367
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:02,228
Come on, let's get a
couple of wines in you
368
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:04,886
and just start wrestling.
369
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:09,682
- Mm, yeah, the whole cabin
vibe wasn't working for me.
370
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:11,694
And this movie cannot
take place in Maryland
371
00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,770
because of my ongoing
feud with Cal Ripken.
372
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:15,521
- Blargh. I'm Liz Lemon.
373
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,690
I'm in charge! Nerds!
374
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:19,359
I want to have a baby.
375
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:22,362
My boyfriend is a
pilot or something.
376
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:23,696
Sandwiches.
377
00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:26,449
- Oh. So you want
to be the crazy one.
378
00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:29,410
Nuh-uh. I'll show you crazy.
379
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:35,750
I'm a jedi.
380
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:38,920
I'm not coming to work tomorrow.
381
00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:44,717
Gentlemen...
- Actually, Jack,
382
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:47,929
I've decided to continue
living as jan foster.
383
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,807
It's just in all these
years as a P.I.,
384
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:54,394
I think my greatest
disguise was Len Wazniak.
385
00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:56,938
- Tomorrow the sun
rises on a new day
386
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:59,357
for Kabletown, for america,
387
00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:00,649
and for all of us.
388
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:03,486
To victory.
389
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:07,198
Kaylie, how nice
of you to join us.
390
00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:09,075
I know it's past your bedtime.
391
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,702
- This party is lame.
Let's go, Kaylie.
392
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:14,163
- Devin? What are
you doing here?
393
00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:16,249
And miss foster?
- Hi, honey.
394
00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:17,741
Remember, monologues tomorrow.
395
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,585
It's 20% of your midterm grade.
396
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:21,295
- I don't understand.
397
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:22,964
- Well, let me explain.
398
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,174
Banks is on my side,
399
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:28,302
and Ms. Foster is a
private investigator
400
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,447
I hired to follow you.
- Was a private investigator,
401
00:15:30,471 --> 00:15:31,889
is a drama teacher,
402
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:33,391
and, as of last night,
403
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:35,351
engaged to Ms. Siegal.
404
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,353
- So I know Hank
Jr. Isn't your father.
405
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:39,939
And now so does, uh...
406
00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:42,316
Your pop-pop.
407
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,777
Game over, Kaylie.
408
00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:50,491
"Game over, Kaylie."
409
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:53,995
- This was too easy, Jack.
410
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:54,871
- Banks, what are you doing?
411
00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:57,123
- Fyi... Kaylie is
my best friend,
412
00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:58,775
so I sit next to
her at the movies.
413
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,227
- Why can't she
just sit in the middle?
414
00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:02,170
- Oh, Jack...
415
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,963
Sweet, sweet Jack.
416
00:16:04,255 --> 00:16:05,506
You wanted this so badly,
417
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,925
you were willing to
believe anything...
418
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:09,635
That Devin would
team up with you,
419
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:11,247
that I wouldn't
notice miss foster
420
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:14,056
sit on her testicles
the other day,
421
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:15,348
that my father is gay.
422
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,852
I am Hank Hooper's
granddaughter, Jack.
423
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,770
- But what about
the DNA, the glass?
424
00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:25,318
- Oh, you mean the glass I
stole from Jenna's dressing room?
425
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:31,949
That was Jenna's DNA, Jack.
426
00:16:32,241 --> 00:16:35,077
- So Jenna is an ashkenazi Jew
with an extra "y" chromosome?
427
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:36,889
- What's that, now?
- It was so simple.
428
00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:38,515
And when you made
your move with Jenna,
429
00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:40,333
all I had to do was
see straight through it,
430
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,168
come back here,
and plant that glass.
431
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:44,140
You got the DNA results
you were hoping for
432
00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:47,048
and sent them
straight to pop-pop.
433
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,860
- This is why everyone
hates you, Jack.
434
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,805
We were all talking
about it before at the mall.
435
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,179
- How do you think old Hank
Hooper's gonna take that...
436
00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:56,057
You attempting to
destroy his family?
437
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:59,101
There's nothing pop-pop
cares more about than family.
438
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:00,853
- Oh, god, what have I done?
439
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:02,688
- Good-bye, Jack.
440
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:04,023
See you never.
441
00:17:04,315 --> 00:17:06,984
- Yeah, Jack. See you never.
442
00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:09,362
- Last word.
443
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:16,160
- Yes, I suppose that's one
way this could have played out.
444
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,329
But there are
other possibilities.
445
00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:21,332
Hypothetically, what if I
never trusted Banks at all?
446
00:17:21,624 --> 00:17:24,544
What if I knew len would
be the worst mole ever?
447
00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:26,170
- I'll tell him you said that.
448
00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:29,048
- And what if I knew
the DNA gambit was bait
449
00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:31,217
and I never sent in
those test results at all?
450
00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:32,802
- Well, that's impossible.
451
00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:36,013
I mailed them myself.
- Did you?
452
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:42,395
- Okay.
453
00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:44,272
So you didn't do
anything at all.
454
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:45,565
Well, that's idiotic.
455
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,416
The Kabletown board
is meeting tomorrow,
456
00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:50,069
and you've done nothing
to change pop-pop's mind.
457
00:17:50,361 --> 00:17:51,779
You just wasted a whole week.
458
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,071
- Not quite, Kaylie,
459
00:17:53,281 --> 00:17:57,076
because I did send
something to Hank...
460
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,746
A birthday card.
461
00:18:01,038 --> 00:18:02,623
- Oh, my god. No.
- Oh, yes.
462
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,166
You see, there is one thing
463
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:07,461
Hank cares about
as much as family...
464
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,088
Birthdays.
465
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,716
So what did you
send him, Kaylie?
466
00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:13,342
I'm not the one
who wasted a week.
467
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:14,634
While I distracted you,
468
00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,138
you forgot pop-pop's
70th birthday.
469
00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:19,723
Ooh, midnight.
470
00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:21,017
You missed it.
471
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:22,435
And how do you think
472
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:24,367
old Hank Hooper's
gonna take that, Kaylie?
473
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:39,035
Wonderful.
474
00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:43,914
- You sent him
something, right, Kaylie?
475
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:45,206
Kaylie?
476
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,293
- I lost.
477
00:18:47,585 --> 00:18:50,963
After college, I'm gonna
have to go into publishing and...
478
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:54,800
Marry a finance guy and...
479
00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:57,970
Do charity stuff.
480
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:01,265
Damn you, Donaghy.
481
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:11,567
- What a loser.
482
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:13,299
- You had me mail
that birthday card.
483
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,029
That didn't need to happen.
484
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:18,240
That was just mean.
485
00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:25,206
- What's going on here?
486
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:26,858
And where did you
get that sweater?
487
00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:28,961
Is that from chico's
harvest naturals collection?
488
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,979
- Octavia Spencer got
arrested for soliciting sex
489
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,505
from an undercover police dog.
490
00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:35,216
I had to shut down my
whole movie because of her.
491
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,301
She turned out to
be a Tracy Jordan.
492
00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:39,845
So, to deal with her, I
tried to be a Liz Lemon.
493
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:41,297
- Yeah, well, being Liz Lemon
494
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,099
isn't just about
wearing a sweater and...
495
00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,518
Hey, those are my glasses.
496
00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:47,853
Oh, and you popped
the lenses out?
497
00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:49,425
- No, they
shattered in a urinal.
498
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:50,898
L.L., I don't know
how you do it.
499
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,150
I couldn't hack it with
Octavia for one day.
500
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:56,002
And you've been getting amazing,
thought-provoking work out of me
501
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,613
for seven years.
502
00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:00,156
- Thanks, tray.
503
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:01,575
I mean, it hasn't been easy.
504
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:02,969
When you first
came into my life,
505
00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:05,538
you were out of control,
and you had horrible habits.
506
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:06,539
- Like my booger-eating?
507
00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,624
Please, let me just have one.
508
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:09,917
I need it, baby.
509
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,809
- Taking care of you
has been exhausting.
510
00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:14,463
You'd fight me and
have temper tantrums,
511
00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:16,966
and I'd have to stay up all
night 'cause you were sick.
512
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,735
- Hey, those lego men
were on a rescue mission
513
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:21,345
to save the other lego
men that I swallowed.
514
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:22,972
- But as problematic
as you were,
515
00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:25,099
I had no choice
but to make it work.
516
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,768
- Elizibart, you are
an amazing woman.
517
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,730
Seriously, if you
can take care of me,
518
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:32,690
you can do anything.
519
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:39,822
- Hey, remember that thing
we talked about the other day,
520
00:20:40,114 --> 00:20:41,407
about adopting an older kid?
521
00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:42,366
Well, I want to do it.
522
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:44,577
- Bitch, more than
one person works here.
523
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:47,621
Who is this?
- It's Elizabeth Lemon.
524
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:48,913
- Who?
525
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,961
- Action.
- Every dream begins with a...
526
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,254
Line?
- Dreamer.
527
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:58,257
- Action.
- You have within you...
528
00:20:58,549 --> 00:20:59,258
Line?
529
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,886
- Strength and...
- I got it. I got it.
530
00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:03,262
Line?
531
00:21:03,554 --> 00:21:05,407
Yo, Mizz, what's the name
of that crazy-ass place
532
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:06,431
we went last night?
533
00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:07,141
- Bed bath & beyond.
534
00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:08,433
- We went beyond.
535
00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:10,686
- And action.
- Line?
536
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:12,338
My mouth is full
of shrimp. My bad.
537
00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:13,438
I forgot.
538
00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:16,901
- Action.
- If I, Harriet...
539
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:18,873
I don't like tubman.
It sounds like a dude.
540
00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:20,154
Let's change it to tubgirl.
541
00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:22,448
- Cut!
- I think we got it.