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- ♪ Married ♪
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♪ Liz Lemon got married
and made up this song ♪
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- You got married? To what?
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- To Criss, Frank.
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Uh-huh, you are now looking
at Ms. Elizabeth Lemon.
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I'm keeping my name.
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- What h-e-double vibrator
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is that thing on your left hand?
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- It's my wedding ring.
I got married yesterday.
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- How could you do this to me?
- Flurb?
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- You just ruined
my surprise wedding.
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Paul, you can come down now.
- Thanks a lot, Liz.
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I guess I ate all that
asparagus for nothing.
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- Reverend gimp, we'll
just have to reschedule.
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- Where can I get the "c" train?
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- Wow. Well, if you don't want
this kind of thing happening,
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maybe don't have
a surprise wedding.
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- A-listers always have
surprise weddings now, Liz.
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Timberbiel, beyon-z,
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Anne hatha-nobody.
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And technically, I
am an a-lister now
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because I was on a
list to date Tom Cruise.
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But I bailed before I
got sucked in too deep,
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praise Xenu.
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- Well, I'm glad
you're happy for me.
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In case you didn't
hear it before,
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I got married yesterday.
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- Yeah, thank
you for inviting me.
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- Congratulations, Liz.
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It's inspiring to see
that a woman in her 30s
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can still find true love.
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- I'm 42, Cerie.
- I don't know what that is.
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Just a reminder that your
awards luncheon is today.
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- What?
- You won an award.
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- "Congratulations on being
named one of the 80 under 80,
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honoring women in entertainment
who aren't Betty white."
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Oh, my goodness, the
ceremony will be broadcast
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on lifetime... Oh,
.com. \garbagefile?
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Okay, but still, I won an award!
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♪ ♪
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Okay, big Liz Lemon
day, so hold on tight.
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I've got a Jenna problem
I need to run by you.
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- Lemon, I'm sorry.
I can't help you.
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- Why not? Our
dynamic doesn't have
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to change just
because I'm married.
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We can still have our
classic girl Friday banter.
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"Now you listen here, Jack.
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This story's not
gonna write itself, see?"
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"Oh, stop, you brute.
I love you. Operator?"
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- No, the problem is my
mother's in town for Christmas.
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- Already? It's
three weeks away.
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- She insists on traveling
on Pearl harbor day
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to, and I quote, "show the
emperor we're not afraid."
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- Look, I know she
gets under your skin,
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but you should appreciate
this time with her.
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She's 87.
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- But that's only 14 in
demon years, Lemon.
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The woman's constant
disapproval of me will keep her alive
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forever.
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- A Blue spruce.
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What time do the
mariachis arrive?
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- But this year I have a plan.
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I'm not going to give her
anything to disapprove of,
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because as long as
she's in New York,
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I'm doing absolutely nothing.
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I got the idea from watching
your President Obama
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the last four years.
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That's her, fishing.
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Notice the ring is shriller.
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- Jack Donaghy's office.
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No, Mrs. Donaghy.
He's not doing anything.
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He's with Liz.
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Well, she's wearing
it pulled back,
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but it's not working.
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Exactly. Because of her ears.
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- Merry Christmas, everyone.
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- Kenneth, why are you
mopping the floor so angrily?
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- You know exactly why, sir.
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First miss Lemon
fired my girlfriend,
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and now Hazel broke up with me.
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Mr. Jordan, do you know
why I love television so much?
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- Because despite cell
phones, iPads, and computers,
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it's still the most effective
portal for poltergeists?
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- On TV shows,
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nothing ever really changes.
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The people you care
about never leave,
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and the bad guy always
gets what she deserves.
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Someone's looking lovely today.
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What a burn.
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I could have meant someone else.
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Although I didn't.
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She's radiant.
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- Mm.
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Since I'm not
getting married today,
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I might as well stuff my face.
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- Listen, Jenna, I didn't
mean to steal your thunder.
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- My whole life is thunder.
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- Sure. But, you
know, I just found out
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that I won this women
in entertainment award...
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- first you get married. Now
you're winning an award?
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These are my things.
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Next you'll tell me
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Mickey Rourke catapulted
you into the Hollywood sign.
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- Look, I know you're angry,
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but this award is
kind of a big deal.
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You know, in the past,
they've given it to Diane Sawyer
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and Elaine may, and did you know
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that Chuck scarborough
is anatomically a woman?
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- So I am a lesbian.
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- And I'd really love
for you to be there.
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Did you know it's been
15 years since we first met?
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Salutations, Jenna Maroney.
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What brings a mummer
to lightsman's row?
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- I just wanted to
meet the woman
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that's been lighting me
so awesomely onstage.
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Do you have any idea
where she is, little boy?
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- And I wouldn't be here
today if it weren't for you,
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so when I accept that award
on lifetime. Com\garbagefile,
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I want you onstage with me.
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- So there'll be cameras?
- Yes.
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- Oh, Liz, you had me at
"Hayden Panettiere is dead."
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Of course I'll be there.
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- Oh, thank you, Jenna.
That really means a lot to me.
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- ♪ Secret plan ♪
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♪ revenge on my mind ♪
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- Hey, I'm going
downstairs to get a coffee.
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You want anything?
- Pumpkin spice, please.
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- Great.
- ♪ secret plan ♪
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- Excuse me. I don't
mean to bother you,
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but I'm a nymphomaniac
virgin widow,
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and I just completed
my year of mourning,
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and I've got a hotel
room and a latex allergy,
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and, well, I was just
wondering what you were doing
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for the next 12 to 14 hours.
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- I'm doing nothing.
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Let's go before my mother...
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Nice try, mother.
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Yes, you sensed I
was doing something
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you would disapprove of.
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Your powers remain
strong, old one,
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but there's nothing
you can say to ruin this.
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- I see a spot in
front of my left eye.
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If this turns out
to be a stroke,
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you're in charge
of plucking my chin.
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You better come home, Jackie.
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I have a few things
I want to say to you
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before I meet the grim reaper,
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who is black, I assume,
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what with the hoodies he wears.
- That's quite all right.
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I've heard your
last words before.
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For instance, in junior high,
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when you faked a heart attack
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to keep me from going camping.
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- I didn't trust
that scoutmaster.
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He was always wearing shorts.
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- In fact, I think I have your
dying speech memorized.
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"How could you do this to me?
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"You're such a
huge disappointment.
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"If only dragnethadn't been
preempted because of sputnik,
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you never would
have been conceived."
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- Please, Jackie,
just come home!
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I'm dizzy, Jack.
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- Wonderful sound
effects, mother.
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Mother? Mother?
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- You left crumbs on the floor
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so that the mice
spelled, "come see me"?
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- Yes, Kenneth, I've been
thinking about what you said
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about wishing life
could be like TV.
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- That would be great,
although I'd get rid of those ads
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that pop up in the middle
of your favorite TV shows.
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- Well, why don't you discuss
it with special guest star
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Florence Henderson?
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- Mrs. Brady!
- Uh-uh.
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I told the black guy here,
none of that Brady stuff.
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Now let's get this over with.
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Which booking is this?
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Are you the perverts
who want to go
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to town on each other
while I make a pie?
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- Welcome, ladies. Welcome.
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I'm Bonnie Badamath.
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I'm the chairperson
for today's event.
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I can't shake hands because
I have carpal tunnel syndrome
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from zipping up my own
dress now that Gary's gone.
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- Well, I'm very
happy to be here.
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- Well, I'm just so glad
that you found the place,
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what with my directions,
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Because Gary was the navigator.
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Thank you.
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- This is exciting.
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Oh, look, you're in the program.
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- Ah, great, they must
have gotten this picture
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off the Internet.
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Why does the other Liz
Lemon always come up first?
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- Who cares?
They're honoring you.
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Now you go find our table.
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I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
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- Ooh, I have to go too.
- Wait for me.
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00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:02,023
- I just went, but I
guess I could go again.
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00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:08,571
- What the what?
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00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:11,241
Oh, my god, she's
gonna do her wedding
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00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,076
just to ruin my thing?
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00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:16,204
Wow. My best friend.
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00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,915
- Best friend troubles, talking
to yourself, I've been there.
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- And you know why
Jenna's mad at me?
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00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:22,711
Because I got married.
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00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,203
- You know what my best
friend did for my 50th birthday?
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00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:28,049
She gives everybody a
car, and then she's all,
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00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:31,177
"thank you for coming
to Gayle's birthday!"
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00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:34,014
- The crazy thing is I always
end up apologizing to her
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00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:36,545
'cause her feelings are so
much more important than mine.
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00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:37,684
- Oh, I hear you.
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00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,561
When I got bangs, my best friend
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00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,814
didn't even acknowledge them,
so I was gonna grow them out.
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Then after reading an article
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00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:45,233
in my best friend's magazine,
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00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,193
I realized my
feelings are valid,
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00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,446
so I had to say to
her, "my bangs",
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00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:50,738
"they're not about you.
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00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:53,116
It's about me trying
to cover my forehead."
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00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:55,160
- Exactly. Thank you.
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00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,786
We're talking
about Oprah, right?
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00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,997
- No, of course not.
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00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:02,042
She can hear us.
224
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,672
- Well, this is
certainly high drama.
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00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:10,967
- These are the clothes
that I want to be buried in.
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00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,635
And make sure I'm holding this.
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00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:16,181
Glue this pin to the
inside of the coffin lid.
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00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:18,141
For grave robbers.
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00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:20,233
- For grave robbers? I
remember the first time
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00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,895
you ever threatened
me with your death.
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00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:23,247
- You should be
more appreciative.
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00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:24,773
I went down to a
pack a day for you.
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00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,375
One day, you're
gonna turn around,
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00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,479
and I'll be dead like that.
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00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,378
- All right. You can
knock it off now, mother.
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00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,529
I'm home. What
happened to your eye?
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00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:35,283
Did you really fall?
- I was watching TV,
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00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:39,496
and they started interviewing
an Asian Santa claus,
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00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:42,123
and my arm went numb.
- And you called me?
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00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,209
Mother, call an ambulance.
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00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:46,628
- My father did not
kill dozens of Germans
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00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,173
so that his daughter
could die in a Van.
243
00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:52,258
- But he wasn't even in the war.
244
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:53,590
- Go about your day, Jack.
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00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:57,138
Just leave the door open
and let the elements take me.
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00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,056
- You're going to the hospital,
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00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,076
and I don't care how I
have to get you there.
248
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,560
- Well, I'm not going
in an ambulance.
249
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,939
I'll take a
horse-drawn carriage.
250
00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:07,951
- Those carriages are
rolling torture wagons
251
00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:10,318
for nature's most
dignified creature.
252
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,612
The horse is one of only
three appropriate subjects
253
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:15,907
for a painting, along
with ships with sails
254
00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:19,577
and men holding up swords
while staring off into the distance.
255
00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:21,454
- Sure, let's argue
about horses now.
256
00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:23,373
Bring down my things.
257
00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:27,127
I'm going out of this world
exactly the way I came into it,
258
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,546
wearing a hat.
259
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:35,969
- There you are, k through 12.
260
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:37,541
- Are you the same
guy as before?
261
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,637
Or does that sun-bleached
turd have a twin brother?
262
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:40,974
- Same guy, ma'am.
263
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,810
- Oh.
- Uh-oh.
264
00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:45,687
Looks like we're
stuck in a elevator.
265
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,564
I guess we'll have
to remember stuff
266
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:50,400
and learn from each
other, just like on TV.
267
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,318
- Wait, you did this on purpose?
268
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:53,796
- Are you sure you
know what you're doing?
269
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,822
- Apex technical school
puts students first.
270
00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:58,241
And the perfect
time to enroll is now.
271
00:10:58,533 --> 00:11:00,869
- Wait, we're
stuck? Get us down.
272
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,912
I don't have my flask.
273
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,123
- I'm freaking out.
This was a bad idea.
274
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:06,875
- Is this alcohol-based?
275
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:10,670
- Why are you doing
this to me, Jacob?
276
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:15,633
- So our next honoree Liz
Lemon is the head writer
277
00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:17,635
of TGS with Tracy Jordan,
278
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:20,471
and I am told she
got married yesterday,
279
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:21,923
just like Gary and that bitch
280
00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:25,435
who was selling
us our dream house.
281
00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:28,062
So let's take a
look at Liz's work.
282
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,984
Hang on. This is being weird.
283
00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:35,171
- Blow on the disk.
- Is it on the right component?
284
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,155
- Try unplugging it
and plugging it back in.
285
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:40,825
- Just open the disk
part and blow on it.
286
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:43,828
- Looking for this?
287
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:47,707
- You ruined my
wedding. It's payback time.
288
00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:49,399
- Jenna, what I did
was an accident,
289
00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:51,336
but you're trying to sabotage me
290
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,338
just because I'm
getting an award?
291
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:54,648
- You know you don't deserve it.
292
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:55,712
Without me, you'd still be
293
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:57,242
behind that light
board in Chicago,
294
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,302
turning bags of sour
patch kids inside out
295
00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,512
to lick them clean.
- I got my money's worth.
296
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,181
And without me
you'd still be doing
297
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,350
local commercials for
store-brand douches.
298
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,842
- Well, joke's on you, because
that wasn't a commercial.
299
00:12:08,019 --> 00:12:09,562
I don't know what that was.
300
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,790
- I swear to god, you are
the most selfish human being
301
00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:13,274
on the planet.
- Thank you.
302
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,235
Visit my website for
extras and ringtones.
303
00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:17,820
- Only because I've let
you be. It stops tonight.
304
00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:19,952
- You can't stop me
from getting on that Stage.
305
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,282
- Are you sure?
306
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,077
'Cause guess what this
lighting board nerd did?
307
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:26,329
- So what can I do
for a fellow lightsmith?
308
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:31,209
- I want you to come up
20% on 16, 32, and 70.
309
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:32,941
- No, but that would...
- Just do it!
310
00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:37,131
Well, this Stage is now lit
for grocery store milk aisle.
311
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:38,883
I can't get up there.
312
00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:40,218
I'll look...
- Horrible.
313
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:41,886
Yeah. Oh, no.
314
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:46,140
Did I ruin your wedding again?
315
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:50,061
- Also you need to
tell your aunt Mary,
316
00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:52,563
when she was two,
there was an accident
317
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:53,982
with a hot comb.
318
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,942
Well, she used to be a boy.
319
00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:57,235
- Stop talking, mother.
320
00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:59,195
Save your strength
for yelling at doctors.
321
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,847
- There's a couple of other
things I want you to know, Jack.
322
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:05,785
And I don't want you to
interrupt me until I'm done.
323
00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:08,162
All I want is for
you to be happy.
324
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,665
- Happy?
- Yes.
325
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,376
- Since when did you
ever care about happiness?
326
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:15,503
- Don't talk to
me like that, Jack.
327
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,339
I breast-fed you for nine years!
328
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,800
- Those are terrible last words.
329
00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:23,177
The closest you
ever get to happiness
330
00:13:23,469 --> 00:13:24,909
is when you're
criticizing something,
331
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:27,098
preferably something I've done.
332
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:28,683
- Jack, stop talking.
333
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:32,395
I am not going to
be around forever.
334
00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:34,647
- Oh, here it comes.
- One of these days,
335
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:36,733
you're gonna turn around, Jack,
336
00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,986
and I'm gonna be
gone... Just like that.
337
00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:41,672
- When this little
performance is over,
338
00:13:41,696 --> 00:13:44,991
I may put you in a
home just like that.
339
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:50,788
Mother...
340
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:56,919
Mother?
341
00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:58,296
- I can't get it to work,
342
00:13:58,588 --> 00:13:59,881
and there's still
78 women to go,
343
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:02,508
so whatever, Liz Lemon.
344
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:22,278
- No, you don't ruin my thing.
345
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:23,821
I ruin your thing.
346
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:25,993
- You are not the center
of the universe, Jenna.
347
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,575
- I am too. I'm the moon.
348
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,661
- Ladies, please, today
we're celebrating women...
349
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:31,953
- can it, Bonnie.
350
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,640
I can't believe you're
doing this to me.
351
00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:36,334
And Paul. He's been in
that steamer trunk for hours.
352
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:40,838
- It's all right. The lack of
oxygen is making me orgasm.
353
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,008
- Why can't you ever
be happy for me, ever?
354
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,636
I got married,
and you don't care.
355
00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:47,929
- Why should she?
356
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,782
We shouldn't be defining
ourselves by our men.
357
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:51,116
- Oh, so in order
to be independent,
358
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,975
we have to be asexual?
359
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:54,268
- You would know, Judy.
360
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:56,854
- God, I miss Gary so much!
361
00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:59,190
I put his sweater
on a body pillow!
362
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:04,987
I took it for a canoe ride!
363
00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:07,782
- Lightsmith, help me
out. Fire up the Lekos
364
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,909
and the Klieg.
365
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:16,916
- Don't look at me.
366
00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:20,294
Don't look at me.
Don't look at me!
367
00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:23,797
- Jack, I got your text,
368
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,526
but I think there was
some autocorrect problems.
369
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:26,801
Colleen had a fart attack?
370
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:28,261
- She died, Liz.
371
00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:29,846
- Oh, my god.
372
00:15:30,138 --> 00:15:33,433
- She had a heart attack
and died on the way here.
373
00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:36,727
- Oh, Jack, I am so sorry.
374
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,604
- Before she died,
Colleen told me
375
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,898
she just wants me to be happy.
- Really?
376
00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:42,550
'Cause that doesn't
sound like her,
377
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,735
but I guess people do say
strange things at the end.
378
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:46,839
You know, my grandmother
said, "Liz, stop playing
379
00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:48,143
with the flesh around my elbow."
380
00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:49,519
- "I just want you to be happy."
381
00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:51,492
You know who you
say that to? A loser.
382
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,664
Someone who can't hope
for anything more in life
383
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,913
than just being happy.
384
00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:58,916
You say that to someone
who has disappointed you.
385
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,502
- Jack.
- No. It's perfect.
386
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,421
She's a genius.
387
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,965
One last twist of the knife.
388
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:09,093
Well, thank you for coming,
Lemon, but I better get going.
389
00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:10,553
The funeral is tomorrow.
390
00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:11,471
Colleen wanted to be buried
391
00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:13,282
before the rest of
the family found out
392
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:15,975
and sold her body
to a haunted house.
393
00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:18,507
And, of course, I get to
eulogize Colleen at the service.
394
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:20,771
One more chance
to disappoint her
395
00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:23,608
as she looks up at
me from her throne...
396
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,069
In hell.
397
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,658
Jenna...
398
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:35,411
- Jenna. I mean, Liz.
399
00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,890
- Look, life's too short to be
fighting with your best friend.
400
00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:40,958
- I know. Can I be
real with you, Liz?
401
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,461
All these years I've always
been able to look at you
402
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:45,379
and feel better about myself.
403
00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:46,839
- Sure.
- Don't interrupt.
404
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:49,401
The pill that lets me feel
emotion is gonna wear off soon.
405
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:50,843
Watching you struggle at work,
406
00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:53,846
dating losers, wearing
boys' husky jeans...
407
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:55,515
- they have reinforced crutches.
408
00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:56,516
- Now you're winning awards,
409
00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,035
you're not aging the
way I wanted you to,
410
00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:00,645
and you're married to a guy
that I think about during sex.
411
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:01,938
- Aww-ugh.
412
00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,940
- Everything feels
a little upside-down,
413
00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:05,566
but I am happy for you.
414
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,498
- And I'm sorry you
weren't at my wedding.
415
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:08,694
- But it made me realize
416
00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:10,906
that this whole surprise
wedding thing is stupid.
417
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:12,323
When I get married, I want
418
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:13,935
everyone I care
about to be there.
419
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:15,076
- Wow, Jenna,
420
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,095
I feel like you and I
haven't talked like this...
421
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,373
- pill wearing off.
You have mom arms.
422
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:28,172
- Kenneth, it's Hazel.
423
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:29,840
She's back. I recast her.
424
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:31,384
She tested through the roof...
425
00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:32,927
At the std clinic.
426
00:17:33,219 --> 00:17:34,512
- Mr. Jordan, stop.
427
00:17:34,804 --> 00:17:37,598
I don't want my life
to be like TV anymore.
428
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,017
Because no one learns
anything in elevators,
429
00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:42,478
and we almost killed
Florence Henderson.
430
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,730
- Yes. Almost.
431
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:46,899
- I don't want my
life to be like TV,
432
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:50,236
because my life is way better.
433
00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:51,654
Where else but real life
434
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:53,656
would a millionaire movie star
435
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,992
care so much about
a hillbilly janitor
436
00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:57,994
that he would spend two days
437
00:17:58,286 --> 00:17:59,328
trying to cheer him up?
438
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,122
You can't do that on television.
439
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,624
Because, if you did,
no one would watch.
440
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,167
Thank you, Mr. Jordan.
441
00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:08,129
Thank you for my wonderful life.
442
00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:13,551
- I sure picked the
right week to come back.
443
00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,843
- You weren't supposed to
have any lines, Kwon Lee.
444
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,763
Now I have to pay you.
445
00:18:20,224 --> 00:18:22,602
- Friends, last night
when I sat down
446
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:26,105
to write a speech worthy
of my mother's 87 years,
447
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:28,858
I thought I was facing
an impossible task
448
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:32,903
until I realized that her
constant crushing disapproval
449
00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:35,615
was a gift.
450
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:38,784
The greatest gift a
mother ever gave a son.
451
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:41,621
My lifelong quest to
please that woman
452
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:44,123
is what made me
the man I am today,
453
00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:48,127
the man who has been the
centerfold of fortune magazine
454
00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:51,714
no fewer than three
times, the man who in 1984
455
00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:55,593
wore a tuxedo so well
he broke up the go-go's,
456
00:18:55,885 --> 00:19:00,806
the man who last night
wrote and today will deliver
457
00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:03,392
the greatest eulogy of all time.
458
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:05,478
Dublin, 1852,
459
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,313
a ship Bobs in the Lee tide
460
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,482
of the icy Irish sea.
461
00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:12,318
Her name... Ariel.
462
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:22,995
Today, we are all Irish.
463
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:25,331
- And the plumber
says, "I don't know.
464
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,875
But that's a pretty big pizza."
465
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,004
- Life is for the living!
466
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:35,383
- But there's a truth
in the center of that.
467
00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:41,514
♪ ♪
468
00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:44,642
Thank you, Kermit, for
explaining the afterlife to us.
469
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:46,078
- Ah, listen, Jack, thank you
470
00:19:46,102 --> 00:19:48,437
for being the man
we all aspire to be.
471
00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:49,438
- Ladies and gentlemen,
472
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,490
sir Paul McCartney and
the Harlem boys choir.
473
00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,651
- Yaaay!
474
00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:57,029
- And, though the falling
snow would erase her footprints,
475
00:19:57,321 --> 00:20:01,450
it could never erase
our memory of her.
476
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,577
I love you, mother.
477
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,746
End of eulogy.
478
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:10,793
- Oh, wonderful,
Jack! Wonderful!
479
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:19,760
- Jenna, no, don't do this.
480
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,804
- Jenna, yes, do this.
481
00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:23,736
All the people that I
care about are here.
482
00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:28,018
It's perfect.
483
00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,494
- We are so glad that
you could come, Liz.
484
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,566
I hope traffic wasn't
too bad getting here.
485
00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:38,779
- Surprise. I'm getting married.
486
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,282
- Mother would have hated this.
487
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:46,537
- Yaaay!
488
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,665
- And I promise not
to make fun of you
489
00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:51,184
when you ask where
your glasses are
490
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:52,251
and they are on your head.
491
00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:53,919
- I do do that.
492
00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:56,380
- And I promise to
always pour antibiotics
493
00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:57,673
all over your penis
494
00:20:57,965 --> 00:20:59,467
before you staple
it to anything.
495
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,927
- Oh.
- And now Paul will read
496
00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:04,472
the vows he has
written for Jenna.
497
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,804
- Jenna, I didn't know
what I was missing in my life
498
00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:08,100
until I met you.
499
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:09,810
I love you more
than words can say,
500
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:15,024
and I am so honored to be
taking your first and last name.
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00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,359
- Ladies and gentlemen,
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presenting Mrs. and
Mr. Jenna maroneys.