Previously on Dirt:
- Ted. - Ted?
He's not the right one.
I want to see you.
I thought that maybe we could do the press room together.
Oh, don't take this the wrong way, Sharlee, but we're done here.
You've built an empire on nothing.
You're welcome.
Don, I need this. Sharlee and Mia, that is it.
Sorry, Lucy. You know, there was nothing there.
Give me the recorder.
Don, give it to me. She is not a person, she is a product.
Oh, Don...
I figured that after we slept together,
the least I could do is give you my personal email address.
A little something for all your efforts tonight.
One of my assistants just dropped it off.
All right!
Lucy, it's your mother. Paul's birthday is coming up.
I'm going in for another touch-up this morning.
I want the surgery to be his surprise, you know. His little present.
I'll be away for a few days, and I'll be in a lot of pain,
which should make you very happy.
OK, well, I gotta go. Eduardo, my Kundalini yoga master is here.
Oh, and just so you know, I was younger than you when I got my first touch-up.
You should think about it.
Hello.
Holy shit.
He looks like a very large Smurf.
That can happen when someone continues to breathe
with little or no oxygen entering the lungs.
- OK, well, then what's with the... - Erection?
Suffocating must have really, really
excited your friend... sexually.
Then I can positively say that that is Brent Barrow.
Good morning, Lucy. Gather everybody in the bullpen.
OK.
Hey, Perri Tatum, former sitcom queen, Trim N' Fit spokesperson...
- Love her. Go. - According to my source
at the ad agency that handles Trim N' Fit...
This sucks! The copy, not your idea. Go ahead.
Well, she's supposed to shoot her quarterly weight loss photos.
The only problem is that she's packed on about 30 of the 80 pounds she lost.
Loving it more. What's the story?
Well, her people have contacted a handful of doctors about Perri coming in
for a little lipo, you know, so it'll appear the diet's working.
The problem is, Perri has a heart condition that ups her chances of dying
in surgery to, like, one in a hundred.
So every doctor's turned her down except for this one surgeon up in Ojai
who's willing to do the surgery if she signs a waiver.
God, I love stupid celebrities. It just makes my life so much easier.
That's really good work. Don't screw it up with your Harvard words.
OK, everyone. Our publisher,
Brent Barrow, is dead.
- What? - Oh, no!
Yes. He passed out in his garage while his car was running
and died of carbon monoxide poisoning.
There's a service on Thursday. Kenny will email you the details.
You're all expected to attend. Even those of you who couldn't stand him.
And we all know who we are.
He literally partied himself to death.
And you could really see it sticking up through the body bag?
Yes. Yes! It was horrible!
It's too bad, because if he had ever done anything else of note in his life,
he'd be my next cover.
So why is this bugging you so much?
I don't know. Poor thing, he just tried so hard.
It was pathetic. I mean, the guy died trying to fit in.
You know what?
When I first moved to Hollywood, someone told me
to be careful what you ask for because you just might get it.
I think he got what he asked for.
I don't think you have to be careful what you ask for.
- You just have to be very specific. - Oh, really?
Yeah, OK.
What?
What are you thinking?
Just thinking about how beautiful you are.
I'm sorry I'm obsessing on this.
I should be obsessing about the fact you're gonna do a movie
with Claire Leland, the Black Widow.
Well, she does want me. And she's going to seduce me...
I'm sure she's gonna try. What are you gonna do?
Hey, take it easy.
I've been over the edge. I'm not going back.
- Oh, yeah? - Besides, I already have one woman
I can't handle. What the hell am I gonna do with another one?
So are you gonna keep talking...
...or are you gonna give me a reason not to succumb
to Claire Leland's little evil seduction?
God, you're such a little shit.
- Come here. Come here. - Really?
I swear, I won't do anything. I swear, it would be good.
I know, wouldn't it be good? Too bad.
- I got it. - No, I think that's mine.
- No, it's mine. You kicked me! - I'm sorry.
Your foot smells dirty.
It's mine. Farber.
Yeah. Right now? All right.
Jesus. Well, yeah, you know, of course.
What?
I hate to do this, but I have to leave.
- Where? - To help a friend. He's...
- He's in trouble. - Car trouble? Girlfriend trouble?
The kind of trouble with red flashing lights and sirens.
- What did he get busted for? - It's totally stupid.
That's it? You're not even going to tell me what this is really about?
I just did. It's totally stupid.
- OK. - What? You don't believe me?
No, I... No, no, no. I believe you.
Yes. It's just...
Nothing. Forget it. Just go. It's fine.
If you're going to snoop, which I'm guaranteed that you're going to now,
you're not gonna find much. But knock yourself out.
- Thanks for bailing me out, man. - Yeah, yeah.
I'm kind of surprised you called me. I mean, other than playing poker,
it's not like we hang out.
Yeah, well, no one else is around.
It's White Party weekend. So they're all down in Palm Springs.
Actually, there's a reason I called you.
You work for Dirt.
You want me to write about this?
Wait, how's this for a title:
"Former Teen Heartthrob Busted Barebacking Bartender in Bathroom."
It was just a blow job, for chrissake!
What do the cops think goes on in a place called The Iron Fist anyway?
How much trouble am I in, man? I mean, is this going to get out?
Well, yeah. I mean, there's a police report.
But not under my stage name. You gotta help bury this, man.
Keep it out of Dirt. I just landed this role, first decent role I've had
in seven years since the series ended.
It's funded by this Christian group that doesn't even know I'm gay.
If this gets out, I'm out.
I am flat broke, Farber. I seriously need this paycheck.
I'll do what I can.
OK, once this paycheck comes in,
screw these right wingers or those 12 year old girls
that ever had a crush on me.
I will come out in Dirt. Your story. Exclusive. OK?
Hell, I'll probably get a parade out of this
- or something or a stupid reality show. - Well... as soon as the check clears,
because if my boss finds out about this,
I'm gonna be the one bending over and grabbing my ankles.
Where'd you learn to eat? A barn?
I'm sorry. It's like a thousand degrees hot.
I don't know why they serve it this way. I usually have better manners,
- table manners. My brother Jason... - You know, it's OK, it's OK.
Just slurp softer.
- OK. I am sorry. - I said it's OK.
- No, about this. - What are you...?
Oh, my God, you people have no boundaries! Stop it!
Jeez!
Lucy Spiller from Dirt Now magazine, she knows about your surgery.
If you go in for the lipo, she's going to write about it.
That's none of her business!
As our lord and savior, God's son, said on the cross,
"It is finished."
So our lord will welcome Brent Barrow into heaven.
And Brent Barrow is now feasting at God's table.
And we must feel a joy for Brent,
because there will come a day when we all
will be feasting at God's table with him.
Now, if any of Brent's friends, family or colleagues wish to say a few words,
I encourage you to please stand and speak from your heart.
Are you off your medication?
Brent... Barrow.
Astute.
Daring. Ambitious.
- OK. - So I kind of figured
that you owed me for the other night.
- Jesus. Here? - Yes.
A step ahead in a world where most people are two steps behind.
Many people find these qualities abrasive.
But I found, in Brent, a kindred spirit.
Let God be his judge!
Because if I hear of anyone under my employ making judgments,
you will be... terminated.
Adieu, Brent Barrow.
I will miss you, my friend.
You know, if I thought he wouldn't throw up on the rug,
I'd invite him over for dinner.
I'd invite him anyway.
- If you don't mind me watching... - God!
...keep going. You won't be the first ones.
Jesus.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Yeah.
Hey, Lucy, your brother has been on hold for 30 minutes.
He says it's urgent.
Kenny, you'll learn that my brother's entire life is urgent.
Unfortunately, none of it ever turns out to be very important.
OK.
Yeah.
Lucy? There was a problem with Mom's plastic surgery.
She died.
Lucy?
So was it important?
Yes, it was.
My mother's dead.
I'm sorry.
Well, what about if I sleep over? I'll call Jason and he won't mind.
I'm OK, sweetie. Thank you.
I'm fine.
OK, I'm not.
Death...
I get it, it's guaranteed. I understand that.
But why does it seem that everybody is so oblivious to the fact
that they're swimming in deep water until they drown?
Because we're stupid.
We all do stupid things, Lucy. I have, you have.
We just don't think they're going to kill us.
You know, about the Sharlee tape,
I'm... I'm sorry.
It's OK.
It's not OK.
It's just that... I'm glad to see
that you're healthy enough to stand up to me.
All right, and I'll do... If you need me...
Thank you.
Hey, your story on that singer and her extreme sport boyfriend,
all true according to TMZ. They have a video of some stripper
- giving him a pretty racy lap dance. - That's perfect.
See if we can get some stills for the article.
Mitchell Bianchi.
Detective Ortiz? Hi, it's Willa McPherson.
Did you like the champagne? Great!
Listen, I'm trying to track an arrest sheet for a Mitchell Bianchi.
Very early Wednesday morning.
Yeah. Still the same fax number.
Hey, how's the shoot going?
Lucy, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.
I'm kind of sorry that I had to hear it from my publicist.
I'm sorry. I...
You're working and I just... I didn't want to bother you.
Come on, Lucy, you can't bullshit me.
All right... Holt, I don't want to talk about this, OK?
So... let me just get through the next couple of days.
All right, well, I'm gonna come back to LA as soon as we wrap tonight.
- All right? So... - No. This is not the way
I want people to find out about us.
- Hello? - I'm here.
All right, I don't need you angry with me right now. Not over this.
Let me just figure this out on my own.
Well... you know what most people do?
They lean on each other.
It's called being in a relationship.
Well, you're not most people, Holt.
I don't even think I am anymore. So let me just
deal here and you focus on making a great movie.
I don't function well inside this box, Lucy.
I know.
I'll call you, OK? Bye.
Holy shit! I used to kiss your poster every night.
"Giving oral assistance to another male in a public restroom"?
I guess my fantasy of us having a big wedding and lots of babies
is sort of not happening.
So these are some of Mom's favorite outfits
and she loved yellow roses, so I ordered an arrangement from you and me.
Lucy?
Her favorite outfits and yellow roses. I'm here.
- Paul wrote a poem for the memorial. - A poem?
Six verses.
Gotta say something for the senior shack-up.
Do you wanna say anything at the memorial?
No, I've said enough.
She loved you.
That wasn't the issue.
We didn't like each other.
No, go with the heels.
What am I saying? She's in a box.
I just wish there was something we could have done to stop her.
Leo, plastic surgery was her opiate. No one could have stopped her.
You know the one thing I know Mom would have wanted
was to look great in her casket to make her friends envious.
- Yes. - But with the botched surgery...
What's for lunch, Perri?
I'd like to eat in peace, guys.
Come on. What's on the menu?
A turkey hot dog. OK? It's on my diet for chrissake.
- Come on! - Take a big bite! Big bite!
- Come on, Perri! - Come on, Perri!
- Give us a show! - Stand up!
Oh, yeah, baby! Yeah!
I am fat! OK, so what?!
- Like it! - This what you want?! You got it!
How about these? Big titties! That turn you boys on?!
Don't wanna miss my belly! Come on, get Tatum's fat belly!
Know what? Now it's my turn to shoot!
Run, you parasites! Can't outrun the fat girl?!
How pathetic are you!?
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. What did I do?
You just became the patron saint of celebrities.
After placing the implants, we will enlarge both areolas,
making sure that they are symmetrical.
Excuse me, I'm in the middle of a consultation!
Your tits are fine.
Could you wait outside?
- Who are you? - I'm Lucy Spiller.
- You killed my mother! - I didn't kill her.
She had internal bleeding from scar tissue.
Scar tissue from too many surgeries. Surgeries you performed, doctor.
- I'm calling the police. - You ought to call your lawyer.
You can't...
I can. And the ensuing article will not only cover the three people who died
from your surgeries over the last 17 years,
but also how you're a devoted family man and an elder
at your Hillcrest Presbyterian Church,
while you keep a junkie mistress in the Marina.
I'm sorry about your mother, but I could not have known...
I haven't even gotten to the best part.
- What's this? - This is your patient list.
It's a who's who and the surgeries they've had done.
Wow, that's gonna make for great copy, isn't it?
I mean, it's gonna kill your business but man, am I gonna sell some magazines.
What do you want? Free plastic surgery for life?
Hello! You just killed my mother!
- Can you believe this guy? - Unbelievable.
Dr. Sandburn, if you want to keep off the cover of my magazine,
you are going to make my mother look better in death
- than she ever did in life. - I'm not a mortician.
You're right, you're better. So cancel your Botox and your butt lifts
for the next couple of days, because my mother's memorial is Friday,
and it's open casket.
Oh, and by the way, from now on, you're gonna be my go-to guy
- for stars and what they have done. - Yeah.
I'll call you.
Leo, be a man. Punch him.
Sorry.
Sharlee! Give us a shot!
- Hey, Sharlee, what'd you buy? - Just some stuff for the baby.
Move! Guys, please move.
Hi, Don.
How about a family photo?
Come on, turn around!
Move!
- Get out of my face! - Come on, Sharlee.
Move! Get the hell out of my way!
Don't leave us so early, Sharlee.
It's OK, baby Romy, we're gonna get home in a second.
OK.
Come on, Sharlee.
- I hate this shit! Move! - Hey! Your stroller, sweet cheeks.
Sharlee, come on! Stay with us!
Shit! Stupid door!
Get out of my face!
- Damn it! - Sharlee, your car's rolling!
- The door's locked. Romy! - Mom!
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
Please! Move!
Open the door! Help me!
Romy! Romy!
Romy! Can you help me? Romy!
Oh, my God, somebody please help!
Oh, my God!
Stop! Romy!
Romy!
Are you OK? Are you OK?
Are you OK?
Thank you, Don.
I'm sorry I didn't get the shot, Lucy,
but the truck was rolling down the hill and the baby was crying.
Don, you did a great thing. Seriously.
I mean, just don't ever let it happen again.
Hey! There you are. OK, I just got this from my source
at the emergency call center. It's gold!
911 emergency operator, name and location, please?
Perri Tatum. 714 Sky View Dr. In the Palisades. I need an ambulance!
What seems to be the problem, ma'am?
I was trying to do this colonic and now I'm lying here in shit!
And I can't get this tube out of my... Just get me a goddamn ambulance!
Un-shittin'-believable! And I mean that literally.
The woman hates herself so much, she tore herself a new asshole.
Go get a picture of Perri in the hospital.
You go with him, get her side of the story.
What, are you a bobble-head? Go!
Hi, Carol, this is Lucy Spiller.
I need some shots of Sharlee from the grocery store today.
Yes, the ones that everyone wants.
Did you also get some of Don saving that kid?
OK, great. Throw those in, too.
Yeah. It's a nice thing he did, I want to give him a gift.
OK, thank you.
- Hello, there. - Hi.
- How did you get in here? - It's my job.
Before you do that, Ms. Tatum, we have a copy of your call to 911.
OK, but listen, Dirt Now magazine wants your side of the story, exclusively.
You run that 911 call, people are gonna think I have shit for brains.
Not after hearing the tape.
They won't think you have an ounce of shit in you, much less brains.
You parasites like kicking people when they're down.
We're offering you an opportunity to kick back, if you'll take it.
I've seen Lucy Spiller.
What does she weigh? About a 100 pounds wet?
Give or take.
You tell her, she screws me over,
I will hunt her skinny ass down and I will crush her like a grape.
I'll happily pass along the message. So you'll talk?
Ask.
- Mitch Stanton. - Not stopping me from having to pee.
You know, the ex-teen star from My Dad's The Maid.
He just got busted having oral in the bathroom of a gay bar.
Because that's never happened. Unless he was blowing a senator, who cares?
Well, he just got the lead in God's Warrior,
a movie being produced by Evangelical Films,
you know, the Christian movie company.
- I like the irony, but still... - Could you just read it?
- Now? - Yeah.
Don't come with me. We're not girlfriends.
All right. I'll run it.
- In the back of the book. - Figures.
Wait for me, my love, wait for me
Until we finally mate celestially
We'll make heaven as hot
As hell might wish to be
And when we then embrace
Our spirits free
We'll blend and mix and merge
Ephemerally
And then at last we'll know Sweet Dorothy
The meaning of eternal ecstasy
If deaths come in threes, I hope he's next.
I should talk to Paul.
I'm sorry.
You didn't have to come.
No, I love you, Lucy. And I don't mind dead people.
Lucy, your mother was a wonderful woman.
Generous with her time and talents. And such a blithe spirit.
- Thank you. - One question, darling.
Who did your mother? We all agree, she looks ten years younger.
- She died on his table. - Oh, it's tragic. Really.
But if she had to go, at least she went looking her best.
I can't believe I was raised by such a selfish woman.
Just... I resent that. I really resent it.
She just had so many insecurities.
Well, we all have insecurities, Lucy.
- Don, hers killed her. - OK.
And I always thought that one day I would have the chance
to become friends with her, to make some sort of peace.
And now you can't do that.
I know.
Yeah, we all need someone who's got our back.
Thank God I have you.
Always, Lucy.
And I have you.
But you need someone other than me you can share your life with.
You have somebody in mind?
See? See, I like it when you smile.
It makes me believe that everything's gonna be all right.
Well, I also smile when I wanna rip somebody's head off.
Yeah, but I believe everything's good when you do that, too.
Hey, this is Holt. Leave a message.
Hi. I was just...
...wanting to call you.
OK, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Bye.
Oh, Don.
Sweet.
I gotta thank you. I just learned a valuable lesson in who to trust.
You would've done the same thing.
No. I would not have done the same thing.
If I had known you were going to bail out your little gay friend,
I wouldn't have. What's the big secret, anyway? I mean, next time, try honesty.
You didn't just say that.
Look, I've been with guys that keep secrets from me,
and it always ends up in one place: me getting screwed over.
Yeah, well, now you know why.
This runs now, and it's worth nothing. OK? Mitch will get dumped from the movie
- and then he's a non-story. - Well, he should've worried about that
before he knobbed some bartender in a toilet.
All I'm asking is that you wait until the movie is shot.
And then he's gonna come out in the magazine. I mean, that is a cover.
It stings getting scooped by your girlfriend, doesn't it?
Willa stole this story by sticking a knife in my back.
Well, take it out and get back to work. Trust me, knife wounds heal.
Yes, but how much in Euros are we talking?
Twenty-two million? Close it.
Sorry.
I'm buying a place next to Clooney in Italy.
I don't mean to take you away from your busy day.
I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about your mother.
- Well, you sent flowers. - I did?
Well, I wanted you to hear it from my lips.
Thank you.
While I was at Brent's...
...collecting some things I left there,
I discovered a collection of homemade sex tapes.
You know, it doesn't surprise me.
Granted, his system isn't as sophisticated as mine.
I have a multi-camera system in my bedroom.
The quality of Brent's is crude, but slyly effective.
OK. And?
I didn't view it.
Out of respect.
- Respect? - You don't believe me?
No, I believe you.
Because this is bullshit.
Come on, Barrow and me?
Give me some credit. I wouldn't bang him with your dick.
Willa with a wig.
Wow, that girl never ceases to surprise.
Can I have the rest of those tapes?
Just for safekeeping.
I'll have one of my assistants drop them off.
Well, McPherson, I hope it was as good for you as it was for me.
I have a copy of Brent's autopsy.
As Lucy said, he died of carbon monoxide poisoning.
But the list of drugs in his system is pretty startling.
If... if anybody's interested.
Mitch.
- Oh, my God! - You lying sack of shit!
I lost the movie! I don't even have enough money to pay my own rent!
- Man, I didn't... - Somehow, someway,
- I'm going to return this favor. - Look, Mitch, stop it! Stop it!
Farber didn't write the story about you, I did.
We had a thing, and I found out about you, I ran with it. It's not his...
So what? So what? What am I supposed to do?
Not hate Farber now? Is that what you want?
OK. I don't hate him anymore. Feel better?
I just think he's pathetic for hosing a heartless bitch like you.
- How are you? - OK.
I got to be back to set tomorrow,
but I kind of got the feeling you needed me here tonight.
- That's sweet. - No, but wait a second.
Before you let me in...
...know something...
Look, as soon as I'm done with this movie,
Julia, or no Julia...
...I'm going public with this relationship.
So you have an option.
You have to make a decision here.
If you don't let me in...
...that's gonna be the end of us. All right?
I'm not gonna be happy about it, but I'll understand.
So...
...but if you do let me in...
...we can't hide this anymore.
We can't. I can't do that.
So you gotta make the decision here. You gotta figure it out.
Can I get you anything?
No, I think I'm good.
I want to introduce you to somebody.
Holt, this is my mom. Mom, this is Holt.
It's nice to meet you finally, Mrs. Weston.
I just want you to know that I have every intention
of taking full advantage of your daughter tonight.
So, if there's any objections...
...let me know, all right?
Give us a second here. Let the woman speak. Thank you.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
She loves me.
She does. I don't know what to tell you, but she does.
She approves, too.