Previously on Dirt:
Don, your brother's been in a car accident.
I don't remember any of it.
Jason, you came.
Hi, Sharlee.
Don's going to be your personal photographer.
- I really liked "Love Me Monday." - Thank you.
Hey! Get your ass off that wall!
Just promise that you'll tell me before it gets printed.
Do you think that Roy's gonna find out about what you're doing?
We could have gotten another million out of her.
His whole marriage to Sharlee was a complete scam.
- It's not good. - Will you play with my hair, Don?
It's Debbi Ann.
They never really broke up. They planned it to get your money.
Sharlee, I'm worried about you.
- You should be kissing my ass. - Could I start with your lips?
And you're here to convince me to buy your magazine.
- What's in it for Brent Barrow? - May I?
- I'm Lucy. - Good to put a face to the name.
Brent Barrow says the website can produce more revenue.
He wants editorial control.
Brent Barrow shouldn't be in control of the air conditioning.
Hey, do you want to go to the Hollywood Gold Awards with me?
Sure.
What is this thing?
I don't know. I just want to be with you.
Me, too.
Lucy Spiller, would you like to go on a date with me?
Yes, I would.
How about the... the Hollywood Gold Awards?
We can't do that. Besides, I'm already going with someone.
Reporters have to be inside before that. Come on, this is Awards Night 101.
Oh, thank God.
Yeah, well, figure it out or you'll be spending the night
with a centerpiece sticking out of your ass!
Hi.
Wow. Where'd you learn to fold one of these?
Hey, Jay, don't touch that. That's for my pinhole camera thing.
You gonna get out today?
Why, is there an eclipse or something?
The doctor said you got to get out and about.
You've been on the couch for two weeks. You got to do something.
I am doing something. I'm hanging out with my big brother.
- So... you gonna bang her? - Who?
Who? Sharlee Cates, man.
I told you. It's just business.
Dude, you're with her every day. Don't even...
Don't act like you haven't thought about it, please.
- It's my job. - Yeah?
"Oh, Don.
You're not like the other paps. You're such a nice guy."
- I told you that in confidence. - "Oh, Don, please, can I see it?
Whip it out for me, Donnie, please. Just a sneaky peeky?"
Dude, my neck!
- Jay, are you OK? - Kiss me, Donnie!
You asshole!
Don't wait up.
Good afternoon, Brent.
Please, you and your friend, join us.
The champagne is already poured.
Get in the car.
Hi. Welcome.
Hi.
Look at my little prom king.
I love flowers.
They're so corny.
Hey. Tonight is going to be the greatest night of my life.
Because I'm going to present Mia with her Lifetime Achievement Award.
And you know what? She asked for me.
It was completely her idea.
Oh, I just... I love her so much.
OK.
Here. Open your mouth.
- Spearmint. - With THC.
No, I'm good.
OK. Holt will be here any minute.
I can give you a little bit of time with him but then he has to go do ET
- and the People photo booth. - OK. So, will Jasmine Ford be with him?
- Are they officially together? - Are you looking to have
a new one chewed?! What? No. Hang on.
Sorry, sweetie. Holt and Jasmine are very excited to be working together.
They have the utmost respect and affection for each other. That work?
- Yeah. - There's your quote. OK.
- Hey. - Hi.
After the event, do we go just back to the office?
No. The party's just the beginning. Final transmissions are at 5:00,
Lucy will have us up making copy changes until about 4:59. OK?
Danielle said that the close schedule changed,
so all text is locked by 4:00, basically, meaning that...
Yeah, I know what it means. I've done this before.
Holt's here. It's now or never. Now listen, you can ask him anything
you want about the movie. No questions about Julia Mallory.
Gorgeous. Hi.
Willa from Dirt Now. Don't say anything stupid.
- I'll be right over there. Be charming. - Don't worry.
- Hi. - How are you?
- So congratulations on your nomination. - Thank you.
I'm just glad it's only took ten years worth of work
- to get nominated for "Best Newcomer." - Do you believe that?
What, it wasn't believable enough? Should I try that again?
Well, good luck. My money would be on you.
- Thank you. - Holt will next be seen starring
opposite Jasmine Ford in the drama, Fear Tactic.
And here comes a tender moment.
Jasmine gives her former husband, baseball star Trey Paulson, a hug.
They are truly two of Hollywood's friendliest exes.
Obviously they're not screening for steroids.
Don't be hating, baby. I've got nothing but love for you.
Besides, you really want to call me on my shit with all your indiscretions?
I've been sober 13 months.
Seems like just yesterday you were sober 13 months for the first time.
My beauty.
Goodbye. Come with me. Everybody needs you down here.
Cute.
Now arriving, America's princess of pop, Miss Sharlee Cates.
Sharlee, over here! Over here! Come on, give me a smile, baby! Just one shot!
Jesus Christ, it's Konkey!
OK. Own it. Don't hide. Give it to them and get it over with.
Do you smell cherries?
Hey, Sharlee, when'd you start sleeping with the enemy?
Oh, Donnie and I are just friends.
And here she is, God's gift to pop,
and that's a direct quote from her, folks, Mia!
- Mia! Mia! Mia! - Mia is receiving
the Lifetime Achievement Award tonight.
And it will be given to her by none other than Sharlee Cates.
I love this girl. Isn't she beautiful?
Mia, over here! Mia, over here! Come on, give me a shot!
Oh, my gosh.
- Hey. - Hello, gorgeous.
- Hi, Jasmine. - How are you?
- Good. - Did you get that plasma screen I sent?
Thank you, Ted. But it's going to take more than that
to get me to commit to your mini-series.
I thought our offer was quite generous, to say the least.
Bump it up from generous to obscene, and we'll talk.
Besides, I can't take on anything until I'm done with my boy here.
- When do you guys start that project? - We go on location next week.
- Lucky you. - No, we're just good friends.
Though I always fall a little bit in love with my costar.
What about you, Holt? Do you always fall just a little bit in love?
Nah. I tend to go for the emotionally unavailable types.
Well, now I know the party can start.
- How are you? - I'm good.
Jasmine, do you know Claire?
Of course. We worked together years ago.
- And this is Lucy Spiller and... - Hi.
- Tim... Ted. - Ted. Ted Coleman.
Lucy Spiller, I should be mad at you for all the awful things
- you've wrote about me this year. - Or stop doing awful things.
I heard great things about The Plantation.
Wonderful script. Can't wait to get started.
How about a toast? You need a drink.
May good fortune reign over all of our projects.
Cheers.
Could I get you to raise your arms, please, sir?
Sir, you're gonna have to leave this here.
Nice try, Konkey!
Raise your arms, please.
You want the underwire from my bra? You could probably sell it on eBay
and take your girlfriend to Jamaica for a month.
You certainly know your shit, Donnie.
All right, I have one request for those who win tonight.
If you haven't been in a synagogue or a church in the last two years,
you can't thank God.
Hello.
You seem to get along pretty well with McLaren.
Why shouldn't I?
Well, his girlfriend did try to kill you, then wound up dead herself.
I don't know. That would make most people feel a little awkward.
- Well, luckily, I'm a people person. - Yes, you are.
...please help me welcome last year's Best Actress winner, Jasmine Ford,
and the star of Native Speaker, Malachi Brody.
A clown, a pianist, a Little League coach... Jasmine?
What is she doing?
That's your line.
That's quite all right. A clown, a pianist, a Little League coach...
Jasmine?
Let's see... These are some of the roles played
by the outstanding nominees for Best Dramatic
Male Actor...
Now, that's awkward.
She's been sober for a year. I don't get it.
Maybe it's food poisoning.
I've had food poisoning and I don't remember giggling.
OK, half the civilized world has caught this on live TV,
the other half will catch it on YouTube in about two hours. What happened?
Career fallout, family reactions, rehab plans...
What we didn't see, was she drinking, when?
You know, it could have been pills. Vicodin works fast.
Even faster if you chase it with Ativan.
That's what we bookworms did in college in lieu of women.
All right. What did her rep say?
I was covering the smoking area. I wasn't in the press room.
You were in the smoking area because you wanted a smoke.
- I was where I was supposed to be. - Who said anything about you?
I was covering the smoking area because it made Bee sick
- and she wanted to switch. - OK, you've either slept together
or you've slept together. Either way, go do your goddamn jobs. Go!
- What's wrong with you? - How was that accusatory?
That's beautiful.
No, that's great.
OK, good. Yep, yep.
Why are you all smiles?
You ever been to Bora Bora?
- No, but it's on my list. - Oh, yeah?
Clear next week.
Brent, I need to talk with you.
And I with you.
Go look at something shiny, will you?
Remember the rights to all the Dirt Now brand extensions?
Books, TV specials, foreign editions?
Of course. Gibson refused to include them in the sale.
What if I were to tell you that Gibson has agreed to sell these
to you for one dollar?
That got you there.
It turns out his lawyers misinterpreted some clause in the contract.
If he hangs on to these rights, he's on the hook
for millions in tax liabilities. You... You, on the other hand,
have no exposure to worry about.
You are a multinational.
Congratulations, your holdings just increased by 100 million dollars.
Wonderful.
Now, may I tell you what I wanted to say?
Yeah.
Switch women with me.
I want your date.
- Wait a minute. - You can have mine.
Adam, I can't just trade her off, I...
Brent, a challenge is a beautiful thing.
To lock horns, to bury a shoulder into the heart of an obstacle.
Meet this challenge and stand victorious in a downpour of red roses.
Fail, and wilt,
diminished in both stature and worth.
An artist of extraordinary vision and creativity,
she has had a profound impact not only on the American music industry,
but on the world's pop cultural scene as well.
- Get anything? - I got some stuff.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure
to present this Lifetime Achievement award to my personal hero, Mia.
Hi.
It's tired, but the tongues were a nice twist.
If I know Mia, she's going to stonewall the press.
But you have an inside pass, so I want you to use it, Don.
Don't let me down.
Don.
Hey, have you been drinking?
Seriously.
Allergies.
It must be somebody's perfume or something.
She's at St. Margaret's. She suffered from exhaustion. That's it.
"Exhaustion"? Isn't that Hollywood for "shit-faced"?
She was clean. Nothing but Diet Cokes and bottled water for the past year.
You expect me to go back to Lucy and tell her that Jasmine Ford blew chunks
on national television because she needed a nap?
I've lied for my clients before. That's my job.
But I'm telling you, I am not lying, she was clean.
I think somebody slipped something in her soda.
How's Jasmine?
They took her to the hospital.
Was she on something?
- Is this for the record? - Would it make a difference?
No. Just like knowing who I'm talking to, you know.
- You're talking to me. - That's what I'm afraid of.
No, I didn't see her drink anything that wasn't carbonated all night. So...
Did she seem upset about anything?
Well, she ran into her dick of an ex-husband on the red carpet.
She seemed to get over it.
Between me and you, she's got bigger problems than that.
- What? - They want her off the movie.
According to Cheryl, with her history,
the studio didn't want to bond her to begin with, so...
- Who would replace her? - I don't know.
But if she looks half as good as you in that dress,
then I'll be one happy leading man.
You're just saying that because I'm emotionally unavailable.
Maybe.
What?
- Tim? Timmy? Ted? - Ted.
Timmy.
- He's not the right one. - And you know that how?
I can it hear it in your breathing.
- Is that so? - Yeah.
It's all jagged, uneven,
a little like it is now, you know?
You know, her rep said that she's clean. I think I believe her.
Oh, yeah. Unless of course she's one of those rare celebrities
- who's into self-destruction. - There's self destruction,
and then there's dropping a nuclear warhead on your career.
- I'm not buying it. - Your boyfriend the baseball player
seemed like he might get a kick out of seeing her crash and burn.
- Maybe he doped her. - Her ex-husband?
Isn't that the equivalent of "the butler did it?" What's his motive?
He's her ex-husband.
Sold.
You know what? Pass me those packets of sweetener.
- What for? - Just because I'm not a jock
doesn't mean I don't follow sports.
Our man, Trey, has been known to howl at the moon.
I could totally see you in music videos.
Oh, yeah, like Kanye, East Side and stuff.
You know, we actually have a really good relationship with VH1.
- Yep. - Really?
- I'm sure they would be interested. - They'd go crazy, man. Step on in.
Yippy-skippy.
- Do this. - Did we lock the door?
- Oh, my... - Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
- Oh, shit. - Don't worry about it.
- I got my own party. - Oh, great.
- That's great. - That's great. I love that stuff.
Great. You don't think that what happened to Trey's ex tonight
- is gonna hurt him, do you? - No, no.
I mean, you don't have much contact with her nowadays, do you?
No, thank you. I've had my fill of crazy.
Yeah, man. That was some insane shit tonight, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, and you know who's really getting screwed here?
Me. OK? My pre-nup says half of everything that she makes, I get.
No one's going to hire her now. I swear that bitch did that just to spite me.
- Go ahead. - Hey, party time.
- See, Paulson's too greedy. - He wants the money.
- Right, and he does not like her. - Hates her.
- But he would not jeopardize... - ...the money...
- So she's going to lose the movie. - You know, the Holt McLaren movie.
Right, but I don't know who'd want to see that?
- Dumping her? - The studio, maybe.
- The competition! - Jesus! Shut up.
Mia?
There she is. My heir apparent.
I just... I wanted to thank you so much.
Because you have been my idol since I can remember.
And that out there, I'm just... I'm so honored.
Thanks. Thanks for stopping by.
I thought that maybe we could do the press room together.
And that way I could be completely honest about my reaction
and it would just be about the music and...
Don't take this the wrong way, Sharlee, but we're done here.
- I just thought... - Well, that's a problem.
I'm sorry, I don't... I'm not sure I understand.
Sure you do. Think about it.
Our kiss was no different than you flashing your snatch
getting out of a limo or cutting your hair for the paparazzi.
We're in the business of being provocative. That's our job.
Staying relevant in a world
with an attention span of a magpie.
The way I look at it, I just added another five minutes
to what little's left of your 15.
Don't get me wrong, Sharlee.
I do admire you, and your dead animal.
We're all creations to a degree, but you...
You've built an empire on nothing but smoke,
and nary enough talent or gray matter to float a spoon.
You're welcome.
You know, all this bitterness makes you look old.
Hey, can I bum a smoke?
Sure.
I haven't had a cigarette in almost three years.
Not a day goes by that I don't think about lighting one up.
You got a light?
Gave up gambling.
Gave up smoking.
Booze and pussy.
That's all I got left.
I'm sure as hell not giving up either one of those.
I hear you.
Especially with the piece of ass I'm banging right now.
I mean, I've had my fair share, you know?
How could you not, living in this town?
But I gotta be honest with you, man.
Lucy Spiller, she's one horny girl.
I know she looks all hard on the outside,
but I get her bent over my sofa, smack her ass a little bit,
she starts howling...
How'd that work out for you, Timmy? Got something else to say, buddy?
What were you thinking?
I'm sorry, all right?
I shouldn't have, but he had it coming to him.
Because why? What did he say?
That I was a slut? That I put out?
What are you, 16?
What world are you living in? He played you.
All right, so what? So he played me. Who cares?
This is a big mistake.
Yeah, it's a big mistake, and you're making it.
Your friend Adam is quite a character.
You like him?
He's rich, handsome, arrogant,
and he looks at me like I'm covered in béarnaise sauce.
What's not to like?
Well, he told me
that he finds you very attractive.
Is that my cue to jump up and down and clap?
What is it with beautiful women and bile?
What is it about rich men and entitlement?
Well, I'm just saying, it might be interesting.
So let me get this straight. You're pimping me off to your boss?
Jen, Jen, Jen. I love you like, like...
...an 18 year old Scotch, but let's not re-write history here.
Before tonight, I hadn't seen you in three months.
All right, true. So I see how one could construe that to mean
they have the right to trade me like an old baseball card.
I'm not trading you, sweetheart, I'm not. I'm...
I'm alerting you... to an opportunity.
- One million dollars for one night. - Oh, God!
Just like the movie. Two if his girlfriend sticks around.
The guy can have anybody he wants. He doesn't have to pay for sex.
Sweetheart, everybody pays for sex.
Speak of the devil.
You have very beautiful toes.
Don't you think I tried the agents? Nobody is going to say anything
- until they cast a replacement. - Quiet.
- Sorry, Greg, what was that? - Don't tell me...
Yeah.
Got it. No, thanks, man.
OK, he heard the execs say that the whole thing is a blessing in disguise.
OK? Studio had buyer's remorse on her deal from the get-go.
They even floated the idea to her agents of putting her on a different movie.
How fortuitous.
You don't think it was the studio that doped her
so that they could cancel her contract?
Why not? This is Hollywood.
Do you have those business affairs sources at the studio?
Who do you think I'm calling, Einstein?
Open your mouth.
- I talked to Jen. - Who?
My date.
They usually take 30 minutes to kick in.
Special blend: a little E, a little speed, a little DXM.
She wants a million dollars for the night.
Two if Nicolina's on the dance card.
Brent, Brent... Brent.
An ambiguously worded clause my lawyers would have found eventually
is one thing. But this is a real test of your value.
My offer to Jen is my company. Nothing else.
Work with that.
- I'm sorry. - For what?
Come on, you're too smart to play stupid.
Really? I think I've played stupid really well.
Do you love him?
I don't know.
What?
I thought we weren't going to play stupid.
Bye.
I really love what I do.
I'm ashamed at... how much I love what I do.
If I couldn't do anything in life...
...the music is...
I think you sing beautifully.
Really?
Tattered, your third CD? It's all I listen to now.
I'm 41 years old, and that's all I listen to.
I love the incongruity.
- What is that? - The absurdity of something,
when, you know, like when things don't go together.
Like us?
Yeah.
Will you kiss me, Don?
Like normal people kiss?
Some early selects for the advance.
Art department's already got them, they just need your approval.
We thought you could use that for the Ed Letter.
Claire Leland's movie, The Plantation.
Call your source and see if they have a start date.
- I presented your offer. - And?
I wish they'd let you smoke in here.
What?
- That's it? - Apparently.
Do you like my Jaguar?
It's all right.
Just had it detailed.
Well, you should get your money back.
Because you can still smell the desperation when you get in.
What you do tonight to one person...
...I've had to do countless times over...
...years.
I can't tell if you're bragging or lamenting.
Do me a favor?
If the world should go up in flames tomorrow, and it's just you and me left,
pretend you didn't see me.
Claire.
- Congratulations. - For what?
Your new job. You're taking Jasmine Ford's part in Fear Tactic.
I doubt it, I think I'd have heard.
Well, you heard about The Plantation. I mean, it's shutting down.
- I had no idea. - Really?
What... What was it?
Was it ketamine that you put in Jasmine's Diet Coke?
Or PCP? Rohypnol?
Did you do it by yourself or did you get help?
You're starting to sound like your magazine.
Why don't you save it for your memoirs
because you'll never be allowed to print it.
I'm sure I'll find a way.
Good luck.
I've decided to keep both women.
But in exchange, you get the website and the options.
And since you did discover the properties before my lawyers,
let's add a finder's fee. Say...
...two and a half percent on the hundred mil?
A little something for all your efforts tonight.
One of my assistants just dropped it off.
It's outside.
All right!
One, two, one, two, three, four!
Hey, what did you get?
I... I gotta go home and look at some stuff.
Wait, Don, stop it! What about the tape recorder?
Don, I need this.
I have nothing on Jasmine.
I don't have anything else. Sharlee and Mia, that is it.
Sorry, Lucy. You know, there was nothing there.
Sharlee went and said hi to Mia and that was it. I couldn't get a story.
OK, which was it? There was nothing there, or you couldn't get it?
Nothing there.
OK, I don't believe you.
Give me the recorder.
Don, give it to me. She's not a person, she is a product.
If you can't remember that, maybe you should take some time off.
- I should've called. - Forget it.
No, it's... emails are so impersonal. You know, I just thought...
I never got an email.
I sent it from my personal account.
I don't open emails from unknown senders.
Well, I figured that after we slept together,
the least I could do is give you my personal email address.
- That is so sweet. - Well, I try.
- What did it say? - What?
- The email? What did it say? - It said that I think you
were actually a very good reporter.
Lucy! Lucy!
OK, all right, all right, I need a minute!
She needs a minute.
Oh, Don.
I want to see you.
What? You know the drill.
Close the book.