Previously on Dirt:
I didn't invite you here for a story either.
- Really. - Really. I wanted to see you.
That Ted Coleman, he likes you.
- It's so good to see you, Lucy. - Oh, it's good to see you, Ted.
- I got to go. - Wait, are you sure? Come on.
We can't do this, Holt.
Don, your brother's been in a car accident.
How bad is it?
- Hey, Jason. - It must be bad if you're here.
Congratulations, guys. You did great.
Drink up, go home and have some terrific sex.
What, you two haven't done it yet? Sorry.
Sharlee Cates would be a great get now.
Get it, Don! Get it, Don!
Freaking move!
I want you to meet someone.
- This is Don Konkey. - Hi, Sharlee.
Don's going to be your personal photographer.
He'll need unfettered access. Oh, that means "lots".
Are you kidding me? Paul Slatkin gets a 20 million dollar deal?
Do you remember that party he had on his boat in the marina?
- Jews are not sailors. - No.
Even I know that, and I'm only half a Jew.
Poor guy. Didn't even see the mast coming.
Yeah, he was too busy staring at Jessica Biel's porthole.
- Go ahead, get it. - I don't need to get it.
- Yeah, right. - Come on.
- I know you want to get it. Just... - I'm fine!
Just embrace it. It's OK. Come on, let's see who it is.
I don't care.
Really? It's Don.
- Hey. What's up? - Oh, hi, Lucy.
Roy Toy's moving out on Sharlee. There's a bunch of guys here loading up a truck.
Did she tell you that? Are you alone there?
No. I think Roy Toy might have leaked it to...
...a few other guys.
- Roy! Roy! Over here, Roy! - I gotta go.
Bananas.
- She's never this late. - Do you think she got laid?
Yes, I did. Anybody else? Show of hands.
- I did. - I did.
- Alan, you're lying. - Hey, Thai massages should count.
Anything new on the Roy Toy-Sharlee split?
- Roy Toy and Sharlee split? - I'm going to pretend you didn't
say that because you make terrific brownies.
Somebody find out why he would leak something so personal.
- I'll take it. - No, I got it.
When he did that shitty rap album, I did a piece on him: "Roy Toy's No Boy Toy."
Does Dr. Seuss know you're plagiarizing him?
Look, Roy thinks that I love him, which means that he loves me.
I've already left him a message on his cell phone. He'll call back.
- Good luck with that. - Believe me, he'll call me back.
OK, if he doesn't, Farber's on it.
In other news, we have Genevieve Fair and Zach Bauer.
It's a fantastic picture. But tragic because it's not our cover.
Who took this? A seagull? Camille?
- I know how to do my job. - You're a ray of sunshine, aren't you?
- Yeah, well, I do what I can. - Wait, those two together? No, no way.
- That's gotta be Photoshopped. - It isn't. I checked.
- Look, the pixels match. - Either way, it's fantastic.
They just got done doing that movie Shock together.
- It's PR, it's got to be PR. - No, the guy's a clown.
Don't you remember we couldn't run any of those photos of him?
Yeah, the one with no pants and when he used an apple as a bong.
- God, it hurt not to use those. - Genevieve is gorgeous.
She's got a serious career, she makes boatloads of cash.
She could have anybody she wants. Why would she be with that tool?
Excuse me, just a point of clarification.
- Yes, professor? - Does everybody here believe
these two couldn't be together solely based on their physical appearance?
- Yes. I agree with that. Yeah. - Are you kidding?
- That is completely superficial. - Well, then you're on the story.
Prove all of us superficial people wrong. All right, what else?
The valet at the Mondrian told me that Holt McLaren left there last night
at 3:30am with Danica Ramos.
And he's shooting a movie.
You know, only a guy could do that and still look good for a 6am call.
Let's see if it's serious with Señorita Ramos,
or is he just enjoying a soft taco.
- What does that mean? I don't get it. - That's just gross.
You make lousy cappuccino.
Excuse me, I worked at Starbucks all through college.
I didn't realize that cosmetology school was now considered college.
Oh, I'm sorry, is somebody a little bent out of shape
because he didn't get to do the Roy Toy story?
Absolutely not. I am perfectly happy with the complex human mystery
that is Zach and Genevieve. And I look forward to proving you wrong.
You know what? My opinion is hardly superficial.
Nine times out of ten, good-looking people screw good-looking people.
But I can't wait to be proven right. Check the crew list of Shock.
Women talk to makeup, men talk to hair. And everybody talks to craft service.
Thank you very much, but I have a better lead.
Oh, I'm sorry. Is that idea too superficial for you?
I found Zach's ex-girlfriend. It goes a little deeper.
Wow, you know what? I'm shocked that you would want
to talk to anybody's ex-girlfriend. But that explains your pissy mood.
In the last week, I have crashed on two crappy fold-out couches
and shared one with a 15-year-old Pomeranian named Larry
who wants to mate with my ankle.
You know what? Call Lili Steiner. She's a realtor and a source.
But she hasn't gotten me anything in a while, so she owes me.
- That's very nice of you. - Now you owe me, too.
McPherson. Hi, Roy!
Yes.
Yes, I would like to see you.
The photographer's name is Graham Duncan.
- These are amazing. - And he's royalty. His mother is like
- the Duchess of something. - Doesn't that make him a Lord?
All I know is that he used to work for the London Times.
- Hey, lover. - Hey, Camille.
Hey.
Hey, Lucy. Who took these?
His name is Graham Duncan. He's a Brit.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I've heard of him. You gonna use him?
I don't know. We'll see. So, what do you know about the Roy Toy split?
- She didn't know nothing. - What do you mean?
You didn't notice anything off between the two of them?
I mean, if she doesn't know, how could I know?
Because you are brilliant and instinctive.
- Not so much anymore. - Oh, come on, don't give me that
bullshit about the drugs again.
Don, I put you there so you could find out what's really going on.
- I'm not a reporter, Lucy, you know? - Don, you record other people's
conversations all the time. All I'm asking you to do is record
- your own conversation with Sharlee. - It doesn't feel right.
- Well, make it feel right. - That's not very nice.
- Hey, Lucy, Ted called. - Not now.
OK.
- How come you're not talking to him? - Please don't change the subject.
Everyone and their mother wants to get to Sharlee. You already have her.
She likes you, Don. So just get her to talk.
This is... It's just so good.
Don't take away my fun.
OK.
Look, I didn't want to leave, but I had to.
I love Sharlee, but she's crazy, dude.
I can't leave Romy with her.
Yeah, well, she is kind of young to be a mother.
That's no excuse. She takes her to clubs at 3:00am .
What kind of a mother does shit like that?
I don't know, the kind of mother she had?
When you grow up with that, you either repeat that crap
or you prove to yourself you can do better.
I really thought she could.
She wanted so much to have a kid.
I'm so sorry.
What am I supposed to do now?
Well, are you gonna try for full custody?
I have to. She smokes way too much weed.
She thinks she's here to infuse the world with her magic.
Well, she has kind of has.
She's too out there now.
It's brutal, man.
Seeing somebody you love over the edge and not be able to help them.
You know, people are gonna think that this is about money.
Are you kidding? Look at the pre-nup.
OK, I'd make a hell of a lot more money if I stayed with her.
It isn't about me. It's about Romy.
Oh, God, which reminds me,
I have to pick up my other kids from their mother's.
- Here's the latest cut from my new CD. - Thanks.
Enjoy.
"What's up, Toy?" Nice.
I'm not crazy!
I'm not. You know that, right?
I know crazy, and you're not it.
Hey! Get your ass off that wall!
You know you're just giving them what they want when you do that.
I don't care. They're just pissed that you're in here and they're not.
Yeah.
Why is Roy talking shit about me?
He was the one who talked me into taking Romy into that club.
He did that, not me.
I admit it.
I smoke pot.
But he grows it.
Do you want some?
No, thank you. It makes me stupid.
He's having an affair.
I know he is.
He comes home in the middle of the day smelling like soap.
He's taking a shower somewhere.
That's what he used to do before he would go home to Debbi Ann.
What did I do to make him hate me so much?
He left two marriages.
It's his pattern. It's not you.
Donkey, will you help me?
You're my friend.
Will you find out who he left me for?
You wanna know how I found out he was leaving?
I'm coming out of the pet store and...
...a bunch of papar-assholes blocked me, shouting, "Sharlee, Sharlee, Sharlee!
How's it feel to be a single mom?"
I don't want to find out that way.
Yeah. OK, I...
I will. I'll help you.
Just promise that you'll tell me before it gets printed.
I will.
Promise.
- Hello, Jason. - Hey, Don. You working?
Yeah, I'm outside Roy Toy Manning's ex-wife's house
- waiting for him to pop out. - Like a cuckoo clock?
Yeah, kind of.
How are you feeling?
Well, they're releasing me.
I got the scaffolding off my face, but it still hurts like hell.
I just drank a hamburger.
- April taking you home? - No, she's in Philadelphia.
Her dad fell off a ladder. Now he's in the hospital.
Stellar week for her.
Well, come down here and stay with me. I got room.
And I'll take care of you.
Yeah. Just take care of yourself, OK?
Are you still getting your shots?
Yeah.
Oh, his neck's too thick.
- What? - Just get on a plane, OK?
- I love you, Donny. - Yeah, I love you, too. You, too.
Willa, it's Roy Toy.
I know. I don't trust myself for believing him.
I'm checking out his divorce lawyer. He's using the same one
- from his first divorce, so... - Well, let me know.
Hey, Lucy, you're on with Naomi.
Just got a call from the manager of Swingers.
Holt just got there and he's in a booth making out with that model Ingrid Laska.
She's like three and a half feet taller than him.
- She's definitely worth the climb. - I got it, Naomi. Kenny?
- Yeah, Ted Coleman called again. - All right, not now. Get me Don.
All right. OK.
- Don, Lucy. Lucy, Don. - Hi, Lucy.
- Hey, where are you? - At the park.
He's here with his kids. There's no sign of any girlfriend yet.
OK, I want you to leave Roy and go to Swingers Coffee Shop.
Get on Holt McLaren and Ingrid Laska. He'll be the one in a booster seat.
I thought you wanted me on Sharlee.
Well, I did, and now I want you on Holt McLaren.
Don't do it, Lucy.
It's too soon... after Julia.
Don, this is a legitimate follow-up to last week's story.
Excuse me. Do you have a child here at the park?
- I got to go. - Do it.
- Yeah, I'll... - Which one?
- Don...
- I'm going. - You better be! And don't come back!
Oh, God! Do you love torturing people?
Sometimes, sweetie. Looks like it's been a while.
You've never wanted the John Waters before.
I heard you were having dinner the other night at Matsuhisa with Ted Coleman.
- That's why I pay you the big bucks. - That's a ghost from the past.
Well, the timing is right.
Well, I guess he's had it with all the 20-year-old starlets. Lift your leg.
OK.
- Deep breath. Here we go. - Oh, God!
You're good.
What do you got for me?
Well, I did Zach Bauer's sister yesterday. The "artist."
Anyway, She told me that Zach and Genevieve were actually doing it
- during their love scene. - That's good.
Really? How good?
- Personal space. - Sorry.
Twenty-five hundred.
And if it checks out and we're the only ones, another 75.
Plus 150 for the John Waters.
- All right, no problem. - Careful, sweetie.
You've only got the John, not the Waters.
My friend says you're selling a '72 Firebird Trans Am.
Yeah, sweet. So how's 5:30?
OK, perfect. Yeah, I'll see you then.
Yes. Cameraman from Shock. Halfway home.
You know, it's too bad you didn't check the crew list in the first place.
You'd be home by now.
Wow. You're really starting to sound like my ex-girlfriend.
And I'm starting to understand why she's an ex.
By the way, why are you the one moving out when she's the one who dumped you?
- Why is that of interest to you? - How did you guys meet?
She approached me in line at Trader Joe's.
Have you ever made a first move? Ever?
OK, then.
So Sharlee has been paying Debbi Ann $15,000 a month
to take care of his kids from his first marriage.
She feels guilty about breaking them up.
- That's a whole lot of guilt. - Yeah.
Let's find out how Debbi Ann feels about this breakup.
- OK. - Hey, Lucy,
- there's a gentleman in your office. - Kenny,
stop letting people in my office!
- Somebody revive Kenny. - I'll get back to you.
You don't have to look any further.
Because I will deliver. I will deliver, darling. That's why.
You know me. All right. No, I'll see you on Wednesday. Thank you, bye.
I'm so sorry. Sorry. Graham Duncan. Pleasure to meet you.
Lucy Spiller. I wish I could say the same.
Yeah. I tend to make myself at home wherever I am, sorry.
Obviously. It's a good policy.
Except for in my office. How did you get in the building?
Oh, I talked my way in. Don't be alarmed, your security is excellent.
Heard you were a big fan of my work.
Well, despite your entitlement issue,
I think your Icon cover with Zach and Genevieve is extraordinary.
I got that shot while parasailing.
- That wasn't just luck? - God, no. Luck is for amateurs.
Yeah, I followed them around for 11 days. I'm quite obsessed
- with getting the ultimate shot. - Clearly.
About Don Konkey. He's pretty good.
- Does he work primarily with you? - We have an agreement.
Oh, that's sweet. No, no, I admire that kind of loyalty.
But personally, I prefer an open relationship.
I find it much more pleasurable.
Whatever satisfies you.
OK, well, I think you and I are gonna work together very, very well.
Wow.
Debbi Ann. Hi. Hi... I'm... Sorry.
I'm Willa McPherson with Dirt Now.
- Oh, Christ on a crutch. - Could I talk to you for one second?
If you help me unload the car. I have a million and one things to do today.
I totally understand.
If you understood, you would disappear.
Look, you probably know Roy better than anybody.
We had to come to you.
Why do you think he would do something like this to Sharlee?
Give me a break. He didn't do anything to her.
He's a very good father, and he's always taken very good care of his kids.
You're not helping.
Wasn't it Sharlee that made sure you were taken care of?
Yeah, so?
She felt bad because she busted up our family.
She should feel bad! She seduced my husband.
You can put sequins on trash, but the trash still stinks.
So you don't think that Roy had any part in their breakup at all?
No, I don't.
It's just that these things usually aren't that one-sided, you know?
Well, this one is, Wendy.
Look, I don't know what happened between the two of them,
and frankly, I don't care. Sharlee is getting exactly what she deserves.
- What goes around comes around. - Could I just ask one more...?
Now, leave me alone. Watch the hatch.
She blames Sharlee? Roy leaves Debbi Ann, then leaves Sharlee,
and he's the victim? Oh, it's such bullshit.
It's always the other woman, and never the wandering prick.
He's just better at working the media.
Well, he's working way too hard to try to convince everyone
he's not having an affair. So find out who he's having one with.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I just had a private screening this afternoon
with a beautiful love scene where Zach Bauer and Genevieve Fair
- were engaged in flagrante delicto. - A foreign film?
Screwing.
Kauffman, it's hearsay unless you have a copy.
- From the guy who shot it. - Seriously? Well, good work.
Help yourself to one of Naomi's brownies.
- Thanks. - Call their publicists
and see if they want to make a statement before this little tidbit goes to press.
It was unbelievable. The director calls "cut" and they don't stop,
for quite some time. Right? Nobody's that good an actor.
- You're welcome. - Yeah. You know what?
I got to go meet Lili Steiner. She's gonna show me a guest house.
You're welcome again.
Is that you, Donny?
- You've been on me all day. - Thanks for noticing.
Gimme a second, OK?
- You're really dedicated. - Pretty much.
What, slow week? There's gotta be better stories than me around.
Whatever you do is enough.
For who?
Your fans.
I'm just trying to live my life, man.
I'm just trying to take pictures of it.
OK. Fair enough.
If she wants to keep tabs on me, she should do it herself.
You should tell her yourself.
Good to see you.
Could I get a picture of you and your friend?
- She's a little camera shy. - She is?
Yeah.
Thanks anyway.
I'm done.
- You're not done. - I know what you're doing.
It's your business. It's not mine.
I'm not taking his picture anymore.
Please record your message.
Hi, Graham, this is Lucy Spiller. I need you to get on Holt McLaren.
Send me everything you get. Thank you.
Well, Lili Steiner came through in a big way.
- She got you a place? - She's driving me up Stone Canyon
to show me this guest house, when she points to this hideous faux château
and she tells me that Roy Toy's ex, Debbi Ann, is seriously considering it.
- For four point two million dollars. - She must be window shopping.
- She doesn't have that kind of money. - She had a letter pre-qualifying her
from the bank. Look, Roy Toy hasn't seen any other woman but his ex.
She's looking at houses she can't afford.
She's blasting Sharlee and defending him.
He's having an affair with Debbi Ann.
Why would he have an affair with the same woman he left for Sharlee
- in the first place? - Why do men do any things they do?
You think it's inconceivable that he might actually be in love with her?
Oh, God, Farber, you're living in a Reese Witherspoon movie.
- I prefer a Jane Austen novel. - Kids! Prove he's having the affair.
That is a great cover.
And take Don with you. He's available.
OK. I can't believe Lili Steiner came through for you. It's so unfair.
See, I don't think I can get it. He's a total phone freak.
- And he never puts it down. - Only need it for a couple of minutes.
Now, do you want chocolate or strawberry milk?
- Strawberry. - OK.
Anything digital can be tracked. Willa, at work,
said you can hack into the card and pull it up on the computer.
The government does it all the time. And they know all kinds of stuff.
You know, I thought they knew stuff until 9/11.
They don't know shit about what's going on.
Oh, they know. I was being watched.
You were?
No. I don't know.
I'm schizophrenic. But I'm taking shots. I'm getting better.
Yeah.
You know, I know what it's like to be watched all the time.
- It's pretty scary. - Whether it's real or not.
Do you think that Roy's gonna find out what you're doing?
I don't have to do it.
I want to know.
OK.
Have them send an arrangement to my mother tomorrow.
It's her birthday. Make sure there's lots of lilies. She's allergic.
Wow.
- Hi. I'm Genevieve. - I know who you are.
Hi. Lucy Spiller. I just am shocked to see you here.
We don't get visitors of your kind, just the occasional process server.
Yeah, we just wanted to set the record straight... about us.
- What about you? - We had sex during our shoot.
We couldn't help it. We're out of our minds for each other. Right?
How would you...? OK. How would you like to do an interview right now?
- All you had to do is ask. - Great. My office is right in there.
- Let's go. - Is that a plastic shirt?
Yeah and neoprene.
OK.
Here. Here it is. Please hurry.
He's just reading Romy Pat the Bunny.
It's so weird. He's just playing with her and acting like everything's fine.
I feel sick.
Here. Just in case you get hungry.
Good. Thanks.
OK. Bye.
It's nice to remember why I got into the business.
Yeah, I wanted to prove that good television wasn't an oxymoron.
- You know what I did today? - What?
Had corporate marketing fusion integration meetings
- with the parent company. - Wow. No wonder you called so much.
Yeah, by the way, thanks for taking my calls.
Oh, I'm sorry, I was swamped.
Don't even try and pull that off with me.
If you want to take a call, you take a call.
Look, you don't need to run away. All right? There's no pressure here.
At all. I just, you know, I like being with you.
You, my friend, are a great salesman.
You left your phone on the counter.
Oh, my God. I'm a genius.
Bye, baby. Daddy loves you.
- Bye. - Whatever, yo.
Ouch.
Hey, do you want to go to the Hollywood Gold Awards with me?
It would actually be kind of fun if I went with you.
Hello?
Sure.
- Don't sound so excited. - What?
Brayden, if you don't sit on the potty, you're going to peeps the bed.
One more thing about that goddamn potty, and I'm gonna shoot myself.
Brayden! Roy, can you just go get him and put him on the potty, please?
I'm serious. Get me a gun.
He doesn't have to go.
Well, put a Pull-Up on him then, if he doesn't have to go now.
I know he's a cheater, but he seems like a good dad.
I mean, most guys cheat anyway, right?
I don't know. Maybe you just choose guys who cheat.
No, I don't.
Maybe I do.
Holy shit! They're having an affair.
Not nice.
Unbelievable. I don't understand.
You don't have to understand.
Is that a tattoo on her ass?
"Roy's Toy."
Well, that seals it. We got it.
No, no, let's keep watching.
Don, that's gross. Do it on your own time.
Wait, wait, wait...
Seriously? Rent a video or something. Let's go.
It's my job.
No wonder I like bad boys.
Why can't we live together now? You already moved out.
Babe, if we lived together now, it's gonna look funky.
Well, then you should have stayed married to her for another year.
We could have gotten another million out of her.
Oh, my God. His whole marriage to Sharlee was a complete scam!
What an asshole! This is fantastic!
The truth always comes out in the afterglow.
Just be patient.
You know, you're kind of spooky, in a good way.
So are you.
You couldn't make this Roy Toy stuff up. Nobody would believe it.
Never underestimate the truly greedy.
- Who is that? - Bond. James Bond.
- Hi, Graham. - Hey.
You did a great job on the Holt McLaren photos. You really captured the moment.
Thank you. That's brilliant.
I mean, they really liked each other, so that made it easier for me.
Great.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Elaine.
Darling, how are you?
Yeah, probably about ten minutes.
All right, see you there.
Elaine Bass? Another assignment with Icon?
No, no, just a quick coffee.
Right. All right, well, I'll call you later.
I'll look forward to that. Cheers.
I don't want to tell you.
You have to.
It's not good.
Will you play with my hair, Don?
It's Debbi Ann.
They never really broke up.
They planned it to get your money.
What do you mean?
He married you, but he never really left her.
But we had Romy.
No, he...
He loved me.
We were... We were in love.
You were.
I'm sorry.
I saw them.
These are pictures.
They're yours.
Give them to your lawyer or whatever.
You're a good friend.
You're a really good friend.
- Thank you. - Are you OK?
Thank you so much.
Thank you, Don.
Sharlee, I'm worried about you.
Thank you, Don.
Thank you.
You keep some, Don.
Sell it on the Internet if you need some money.
What did I do?
I don't want it on me!
Help me get it out!
Hey, Don!
It's me!
Coming.
- Jason, you came. - Yep.
Well, let me help. Here, let me get that.
Thanks.
- I need you, Donny. - I'm here. I'm here.
I like your place.
I'm going to get some blinds.
The kind they deliver and fix in, you know, three days.
Sorry about the smell. I dropped some chemicals.
No, that's OK. I'm taking a shitload of them.
- Yeah. Yeah, me, too. - You look good.
You lost weight.
There's some cheese and some salami in the refrigerator.
Hey, where are you going?
I got to deliver some photographs to Lucy.
- I just got here. - Yeah, I'm sorry. You know...
Bathroom's just right around the bend right here, and here's the couch.
And this... this is Tristan 2.
He'll keep you company.
All right, well, let's catch up when you get back.
When I get back, we'll catch up. It'll be good.
It's great, I can't believe it.
Congratulations... on breaking the Roy story. So glad I could help.
And I'm so glad that I could steer you in the right direction
- with Zach and Genevieve. - How about that?
They really do love each other.
Yes, you were right.
- You're an unadulterated romantic. - Unadulterated?
That's a lot of syllables. Don't hurt yourself.
Listen, because of me you found a great place to live.
You should be kissing my ass.
Could I start with your lips?
- Farber, was that a first move? - Yeah, it was.
No. No, not in there. Skeletons.
- Hey, where you been? - Here.
Oh, sweet Lord.
Don, these are phenomenal.
- No one else has these? - Nope. That was just me and her.
You are a god.
This cover is going to kill.
I hate it.
Lucy, why can't we help her?
Because we're not her doctor, her family or her friends.
Oh, I can only be her friend when you want me to be? That's not right.
Don, celebrities sign up to be a part of this circus.
When a clown puts on a big red rubber nose,
he's expecting people to point and laugh.
God knows what they'd do if we stopped watching.
- It's not right, though. - Oh, it's not right?
Don, you're getting healthier so now you're developing a conscience?
It's perfect.
You can't control me and you don't like that, do you?
Loving people is not about controlling them! OK?
That's not what it's about!
What are you doing?
I'm glad you're here.
I probably shouldn't be.
What is this thing?
I don't know. I just want to be with you.
Me, too.
You know, maybe we should just start over.
Because I want to get it right this time.
We got some of it right.
Lucy Spiller, would you like to go on a date with me?
Yes, I would.
How about the...
...the Hollywood Gold Awards?
We can't do that. Besides, I'm already going with someone.
So, we're still seeing other people?
Yeah, but I'll be thinking about you.
Can this count as our first date?
No, I think we just started over.
So I wouldn't invite you in or anything? No.
That would be too soon. It might scare me off.
No, I wouldn't want to do that. No.
I'd love to kiss you good night, though.
Me, too.