Previously on Dirt:
Hi, Lucy.
You ruined my life.
You're all right, Lucy. Yeah, you're all right.
Hello, everyone. Vacation's over.
- Spiller. You're... - Alive.
How's the injection going?
No, I'm sick.
You're sick, I'm sick, we're all sick.
I'm gonna give you the shot now, OK?
I'm starting to feel normal.
- Holt McLaren. - Don Konkey.
So did you tell her I tried to visit her?
Yeah. No.
- Your name is Kenny? - Yes, is that a problem?
- Well, it was for the last guy. - What happened to the last guy?
He got shot in the head.
Oh, and this is Farber Kauffman. He's a staff reporter
who will be gunning for all of your jobs.
Hey.
- Lucy, should I be following you... - That one's yours.
- Excuse me, that is my desk. - I know.
- Don, is that Sharlee Cates? - This is the thanks that I get?
- Oh, yeah. OK. - Get your camera out. Hurry!
Sharlee Cates would be a great get now.
Get it, Don! Get it, Don!
Freaking move! Move!
Whoa, man. Back up. Back up.
Come on, give me a sad face. McLaren!
Hey, Holt! Hey, come on, ain't it bad taste to be out clubbing
- so soon after Julia's death? - Bad taste?
Yeah.
You know what I think is bad taste is you guys following me around everywhere
I go asking this and that about Julia. Did you even know her?
- No. - No. I didn't think so.
- I didn't have the pleasure. - You know what's even more funny
about that whole situation is because now what?
Now you're just going to make all this money off of her?
What, to sell your magazines and your clip shows?
She's dead, bro. Sell your magazines.
Why don't you go inside?
Screw him! The bitch stabbed Lucy and now he's defending her?
- He didn't stab anybody. - Yes, but...
People. People! People! I didn't get my liver nicked
to have Holt McLaren on my cover saying that we're the bad guys.
- Willa, are you with us? - Oh, sorry.
You've got to hear what somebody sent in. It's anonymous,
but it's really good. Do you mind if I...?
Yes, anything's better than this.
Uncle Jimmy? God, is that turd still on the air?
That turd just syndicated for two mil an episode.
- It's the last great family sitcom. - I love his stand-up.
Yeah, this is a slightly different performance from him.
Christa, it's your father calling again Thursday night.
You know what? You told me you were coming down here,
so I set aside seats for you and your goddamn friends,
and now I'm about to do a show and you're not here once again.
So I look like an ass with my dick in my hands because my freaking daughter
didn't show up, OK? Well, listen, you want to know something?
You're a stupid little narcissist. You hear me?
I don't care if you're 14 or 15 or however the hell old you are.
You say you don't have my love? You say you don't have my respect?
Well, goddamn it, you don't deserve my respect! You hear me?
You don't deserve it! Because you're selfish and you're hollow
and I don't give a shit about you and your slutty cheerleader friends!
Press one to play the current message again.
And to think I used to hate people who left long messages. Is it exclusive?
I'm thinking that the person who sent it in is probably spreading it around.
He's a major sitcom star. We've got to find out who sent it, and why,
if it's edited, if it's real, what's going on.
Yeah, I was going to start with his ex-wife.
You think?
- What's happening? - Turn on the news.
Hold on, we do now have an official statement from the CHP press office
confirming that celebutante Milan Carlton was just stopped by the police
trying to drive onto the 405 freeway using the off-ramp.
It could be a problem for Milan if she's been drinking, right, Nancy?
If? Girl drinks so much, she probably pees rubbing alcohol.
You can't even see the signs. Are you high?
My parents paid for that on-ramp! We can't leave my car!
- That's my boob! - Where are the Rodney King cops
when you need them?
All right, let's make room for Milan and her yapping purse mutt.
"The Cupcake House?" Whose is this?
That's mine.
The guy builds a house out of cupcakes? That's the story?
Well, he did it to win the heart of the woman that he loves.
She's crazy about cupcakes. It's sweet.
It's sweet. It's insane, but sweet.
All right, we'll use it next week.
But get a better shot, of him feeding her icing off the wall or something.
- Well, they broke up. - Not in my magazine. Get the shot.
All right, Milan is our cover, but of course she's going to be
everyone's cover, so what I want to know is how she's going
- to get out of going to jail? - Yeah, isn't she going to jail?
Right now? On live TV?
Night court judge has rescinded her parole,
mandating her to serve out the remainder of her sentence
here at the county jail.
Milan Carlton is a spoiled little billionaire who's gotten away
with everything her whole life. Why waste time?
Let's just figure out how her daddy's going to use his money
to get his little girl off? Did I just say that?
- Yeah. - Wow. Oddly aroused.
All right, find out, that's how we afford the cappuccino runs.
They pay for cappuccino runs?
I'm thinking that that was a figure of speech, but you can go ask her.
- Oh, hey, Lucy. - Heard about Milan?
Yeah, I'm on my way now.
You and the entire press corps, right?
Everybody knows.
- You putting cream on your wound? - As we speak.
You know Cabernet doesn't count.
Do you have a hidden camera in here?
No, I just know your voice. Plus, I heard you sip.
Well, it's Pinot, not Cabernet.
And, yes, I will put my cream on if you get a shot of Milan in lock-up.
But hurry, she'll be out before her 10:00 Pilates class.
- OK. - Thanks.
Hey, are you all right?
I'm fine.
You really don't like her, do you? Milan?
What, are you kidding? I love her.
- Get the shot. Bye. - Bye.
Dude.
You got a smoke?
Dude, you got a cigarette?
You're real.
Look, if you don't smoke, just say so, Christ.
Man, this job sucks.
I knew you were real.
Hey, man.
All right. I'm giving you the finger, here.
Weird.
Lucy? Are you OK?
Yeah. Every time the cleaning crew comes,
they move this to plug in the vacuum, and they don't put it back.
How's America's favorite sitcom dad?
Well, his voicemail attacking his daughter is now on the web.
It is YouTube's number one hit.
If they're going to leave everything a mess, it's not really cleaning, is it?
- No. - What about the ex-wife?
Well, the divorce is final, but they're still having major custody issues.
She and her lawyers have been court ordered
to keep everything out of the media, so basically if she leaked the tape...
Then she'd be guilty of using us.
I hate when people do that. Get proof.
- Yeah, that's not going to be easy. - Did I say "easy?"
No, easy would be moving the furniture back after you vacuumed.
- You want that job? - No.
All right, I'll find out who had access to the voicemail.
The mother, the lawyer, and see if they shared it with anybody else.
- Good start. - Yeah. OK.
Oh, man. That hurts. Don't, don't, don't, don't.
- Hey Don. What's going on? - I got a guy here...
- Don't you always? - Yeah. Well, you know, he's in booking.
He always gets me in, no matter what.
But this time, he says it's impossible.
No, Don, nothing's impossible.
They've got her in a private cell away from the rest of the prison population,
so, you know, I can't sneak in as a guard.
They're having her meals prepared privately, so catering's out.
And she's in a new uniform, so you can forget about laundry.
- OK, she's in isolation. - Yeah. "For her safety
and for the safety of the rest of the prison population." That's the quote.
Yeah. And bullshit. Hey!
OK, I'm thinking.
Oh, I put cream on my wound last night and this morning.
Oh, yeah, that's good.
OK, I got it. You remember that skank from Bel Air,
the one with the one hit song who killed her husband with the lawnmower?
You got that great shot when you were on the rooftop from her coming
out of isolation to general population.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Get in place.
OK. Lucy? Are they going to move her?
Someone get me the spokesperson for the jail on the line.
Oh, they're moving her.
They are definitely moving her.
Spokesman for the jail for you on line two. Sam Greer.
Thank you.
Sam Greer. Hi, it's Lucy Spiller over at Dirt.
Yes, my people came to me with a story
and I wanted to give you the courtesy of a call before running it.
Yeah, it's about the special treatment
that Milan Carlton's getting in your jail.
The personal chef, the fresh clothes, special cell.
I hear she has an acupuncturist coming this afternoon.
OK, well, that may be true, but the rest checks out.
Yeah, I don't hear you denying the special cell.
OK, great. Yeah, get back to me within the hour and I will hold the story.
Thank you.
- Any progress? - Yeah.
Milan's parents and grandparents have been major contributors
to every major political campaign. Local, national, Republican, Democrat.
Equal opportunity payola.
Locally, they've supported the judges, the DA, the mayor.
- Well, that will get her out. - Yeah, well, she's still in.
Yeah, but you have to keep up appearances.
She did plead guilty once, violated her parole.
It's hard to get out of that, even with political contacts.
I guarantee you Milan will be sleeping in her own pink frilly bed tonight.
- What, do you not trust my instincts? - No. Yeah, I do.
- No, you don't. - No, trust me. I trust you.
All right, how about this?
I'll give you a hundred to one odds that Milan Carlton is home by midnight.
- I'm sorry? - You heard me.
Milan Carlton will not spend this night in jail.
- Hey, Don. - A hundred to one?
Hold on one second.
You're saying that if I put up a hundred bucks...
If she gets out by midnight, I take your hundred.
If she spends one second past midnight, I owe you ten grand.
- Ten grand. - How about it?
- Yeah. OK. - You need to learn a lesson.
Hey.
- Are you in place? - Almost.
- Are you alone? - Yeah.
OK, good. I made the call. It should happen soon.
OK.
Milan Carlton is being moved out of an isolation cell in the tower
and in with the jail's general population.
This is in no way a reaction to public pressure.
It's part of normal prisoner intake and processing procedure.
Ms. Carlton is receiving no special treatment here.
She is an ordinary inmate. That's the way she's going to be treated.
Hi.
Love you.
Ladies and gentleman, Dirt has just obtained
exclusive photos of Milan Carlton being transferred to general jail population.
Farber, the bet's still on. She'll be out by midnight.
And when she is, I want to know why.
Dad, why are you eating spaghetti on the floor?
I'm Petey the dog and this is my doggie bowl.
It's another Jimmy Darby clip.
It hit an hour ago. It's already in YouTube's top five.
Wow. Makes me feel a lot better about my father.
I'm not drunk! I'm totally freaking sober!
- You're drunk, Dad. - I'm sober!
This is nothing. At least he's not hitting anybody.
Your father hit you?
How pissed is Lucy going to be that I'm behind on this?
Well, it hit an hour ago, we don't go to press for days, how are you behind?
I just got a call from Darby's ex
saying that she had absolutely nothing to do with leaking either tape.
And then I got a call from her lawyer giving some not-too-subtle threats
- if we implied that she did. - The ex-wife's the likely suspect.
She's the one with something to gain. She can't sue for speculation.
You don't know Lucy Spiller very well, do you?
- Really. - You'll learn.
- Hey, where are you going? - Back to school.
Thanks so much. It's always so hard to find your way
around a new school the first week, you know?
- Sure. - I hate moving,
but my dad just got, like, indicted at his last job in Florida,
so here we are.
At least the press isn't camped outside our lawn anymore. That sucks.
Totally.
This girl in gym told me that you were Jimmy Darby's kid.
So you, like, know, right?
She knows enough to spot the difference
between a new junior and an old reporter.
- What? - I'm sorry?
Don't say a word, Christa. She's a reporter.
- I just transferred here. - From what? Early retirement?
- You're like 30. - I'm 24!
Whatever. I told you they'd be all over. Let's have her arrested.
All right, look, I'm really sorry that I lied,
but everybody is doing this story and nobody is getting Christa's side.
- And you're here to do her that favor? - No, I'm just here to get a story.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're caught in the middle.
I mean, your mother's the one that leaked the tape, it's not your fault.
- My mother didn't leak anything. - Oh, Christa, don't.
No, I'm sick of it. I really am.
We fired the maid, the handyman, the dog-walker,
and, you know, I really, really liked our dog-walker.
You people are the ones out there buying this stuff,
tempting people to steal and sell. I didn't ask for this, OK?
- I'm sorry. - No, you're not. It's a good story.
You think it's easy growing up with screwed-up parents?
Being the big online joke at school?
Please, just let me get to my class and leave me and my messed up family alone.
- Got your quote? - Look, I didn't mean to...
I don't know about the phone message, but the video,
Christa just thought she could scare her dad straight or whatever.
She borrowed my brother's camera and totally deleted everything
before she gave it back. She never intended it to get out.
It was between her and her father.
Period.
Milan!
Farber, you owe me a hundred bucks.
- She's getting out? - "Undisclosed medical condition."
More like "jail-o-phobia?" Pay up.
You're seriously going to take my hundred bucks?
Only if you don't hand it over willingly.
Oh, come on, like you wouldn't take my ten grand.
You know, I wasn't going to take your ten grand.
You needed to learn a lesson. Trust my instincts.
Best money you ever spent. Come on.
Thank you.
Look at her. All prim and proper.
She went in looking like Betty Blow Job and out like Laura Bush.
You think her mother styled her?
No, she's just as retarded as she is.
No, that's the work of a pro.
Farber, find out who all went to see her in jail.
I find out who styled her, can I win back my hundred?
No.
Wow, nice knee socks. Have anything?
I got a great quote from the daughter, maybe something from the friend.
OK, I want to know who released the tapes and why.
- Yeah, I might have a lead. - Have it by recess.
Do I look 30?
Not in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform, you don't.
- Wait, do you want to? - What?
I thought we weren't talking.
We're not. I'm just calling to congratulate you.
What, is this an interview?
Milan Carlton's pretty much taking over the whole issue.
Lucky you, I don't need a quote.
But unfortunately, it also means that your
PR play outside the club won't make it into print,
which is really too bad because
- that was well-played. - I didn't play anything.
Come on, that wasn't a PR move. I just said what I felt, you know?
OK...
I wouldn't expect you to believe me, Lucy.
Good.
Look, you know, one thing I've learned.
The more energy you put into being angry with others,
the less you have to face yourself, so...
- Are you going to therapy now? - Maybe.
Well, let's just hope you can trust them.
Well, look, I got to catch a flight.
OK. Have a great trip.
You, too.
I mean... thank you.
Bye.
Hi. How long have you been standing there?
I brought you the pictures of Milan in jail. Also her getting out.
- It's been quite a day. - Yeah.
How's Holt?
On the phone, just now.
How do you know I was talking to Holt?
Body language.
My body language says I'm talking to Holt? Right now?
Before. On the phone.
Now, it just says you don't know where to put your elbows.
Well, they're attached to my forearms, let's not read too much into it.
OK, but if you don't want people to know about you two...
...don't do that when you're talking to him.
Don't do what?
What? Don, I wasn't doing anything. OK, I was not doing that.
OK, now I don't know what to do with my forearms!
- Sorry. - OK, is this all you have of her
- coming out of jail? - Yeah.
- She looks like Mother Teresa. - It's the outfit. Light blue and white.
Like Mother Teresa. All right, get them to Art.
OK.
Even the network news is recycling the Milan story.
So much for covering the bombings in Iraq.
- Hey, Farber! - Yeah.
Is she going back to jail or not? Want to lay odds?
I don't know.
You're smart, you're learning. Visitors?
Yeah, her mother and her lawyers. No red flags. But I'm still working on it.
All right, find something good, they might just have to have her back.
Hey, Lucy, we got Milan Carlton on line three.
- Her publicist? - Her.
She said she wants to speak to you directly. Yeah.
Thank you for taking my call.
Always happy to talk to one of our biggest sellers.
All that circulation and I don't make anything out of it.
- Something tells me you do OK. - Not this week.
There's a few things I'd like to clear up
and I was thinking about doing an interview with your magazine.
- Of course. - I'd like to meet you in person.
Can we arrange that?
I wish I could come to you, but I'm kind of under a bit of house arrest here.
- I'll come to you. - Fab-o.
I'll have my guy call your guy, OK? Ciao.
Fab-o.
Lucy Spiller, thank you so much for coming.
Can Mariella get you something to drink? Fuzzy water?
Oh, I'm good.
Bring her some fuzzy water. Lemon or lime?
Bring her both. You remember my boyfriend, Ian?
Hi. Right, I know your work.
Sit. I'm sorry that we have to meet in here.
I can't use my outdoor pool anymore because of the paps.
Oh, how awful.
I know, I know, poor little rich girl.
But you know, everything I have, I've earned.
Yeah, well, somehow I doubt the catalogue shoots
and reality show paid for all this.
- Well, I also have a recording deal. - Oh, right.
Why are we talking about this? It's not why you're here.
- Why am I here? - Everyone knows that Dirt hates me.
The articles about my weight, my feud with Meggie,
that you think I'm stupid, the DUI...
We never said anything about your weight.
The point is you hate me. It's fine.
That's why I want you to have the interview.
Because everybody will believe it.
It won't feel like spin.
So I'm here to give you credibility.
Well, that and score the hottest celebrity interview of the decade.
- The big scoop? - Yeah?
My medical condition.
I'm pregnant.
- We're having a baby. - Congratulations.
But why does that mean you can't be in jail?
Is the county going to release all pregnant women from jail?
Because I have a condition. It's called hyper-ami...
Hyperemesis. It's real. They had to let her out.
For the welfare of our unborn child.
Who has already totally changed both our lives.
We don't have to bother with all the details here.
I've made your job very easy. Here's the entire interview.
Questions, answers and I had it typed up.
It's free, it's exclusive, and your job is completely done.
Obviously, a huge story for you.
You're welcome.
"Hyperemesis." Isn't that basically morning sickness?
Hey, women die from it every year. The baby was at risk.
We had to protect the welfare...
Welfare of our unborn child. We have a doctor's note.
Oh, a celebrity who has a doctor's note?
I'm offering you a major interview here.
You're offering me a hand-job.
This isn't an interview, it's a press release.
Do you want to do an interview? Let's talk,
because I'm not going to publish some PR person's Q&A.
You know, when I was in high school,
I used to drive by the gates of your parents' house.
It was so huge.
I used to think whoever lives inside, they must have anything they want.
They can be anything they want.
What did you choose to be? A celebutante?
I worked my ass off to become a star.
You're not a singer, you're not an actress,
you've never worked a day in your life.
You're a little spoiled brat who goes clubbing.
That's all you've ever achieved.
Oh, that and going up an off-ramp after having one too many chocolatinis.
You think I'm just some party girl?
I am a brand. I created a brand.
You think I'm nothing? OK.
Think about how hard it is to turn "nothing" into a major brand:
A clothing line, fragrances, makeup.
You can call me a slut or a whore, anything else,
but never say I don't work hard for what I have.
Now, there's a quote.
I'll just say that you admitted you hate me and that you're biased.
You don't want my Q&A, fine. I'll go to Icon.
Do what you want. I already have my story.
You bought a used video camera for $2,000?
Well, it's digital.
No, this isn't just any video camera.
This is Christa Darby's best friend's brother's video camera.
The one she shot her father's drunk tape on.
The kid was 12. You should have seen his face when I gave him the cash.
Well, I thought you said she deleted everything before she gave it back.
Oh, dear, sweet, geek-boy, you have so much to learn.
Video camera hard drives are just like computer hard drives.
You can erase them, but the data's still locked in the code.
- And you know how to get that? - Well, no. But Varsha in IT did.
It seems that little Christa did some editing.
Check out the original footage.
Wait, do Petey. Pretend to be Petey.
OK. OK.
I'm Petey the dog and this is my dog bowl.
Do the drunk guy, Dad, do the drunk guy.
OK.
I'm not drunk! I'm totally freaking sober!
Holy shit. He wasn't drunk.
Well, not as much as he seemed, anyway.
The key to playing a drunk is you got to try really, really hard to act sober.
It was the daughter? Why?
Well, do you remember that quote she gave me
when I was interviewing her at school?
"Do you think it's easy growing up with parents this screwed up?"
She seemed so upset, but the quote was perfect,
she knew that I would bite at it.
Check this out. This is the reality show
that Christa Darby pitched six months ago.
It's all about her life as a sitcom star's daughter.
But nobody was interested.
And one exec said that she didn't have a hook.
So now that she's famous, she's trying to re-sell the show?
Oh no, even better. This time it's Parent 911.
It's genius. She's going to help kids with problem parents.
Yep, live on the air. Secret deal's already in the works,
they're going to announce it any day now.
Making a brand out of nothing.
Hey, Lucy, sorry, Milan's interview is on.
I clearly was not OK to drive that night.
I just thank God that I didn't hurt anyone.
Some people might find it hard to believe that God has become
an important part of your life.
I did a lot of stupid things when I was young.
What, like last week?
Ian has taught me about the Bible.
- That whatever other people think... - Oh, my God.
She's got him dressed like a banker.
God has blessed us with a child.
- It's time to grow up. - Great. We can go with how
she tried to sell this same crap to you.
Those are words. We're in a world of images.
And right now the image is of Milan in her Mother Teresa colors
praising God to Tami G.
I want to meet with Jimmy Darby tonight. My house.
OK.
See, the key to playing a drunk
is you got to try really, really hard to act sober.
That's the key. All right.
Why didn't you just come out with the truth?
She's not wrong. I was drinking that night.
Your daughter dubbed lines to make it look like you thought you were a dog.
That doesn't bother you?
Did you hear that horrible voicemail I left her?
Don't you think I deserved some bad press?
And she needed some good press... to sell her show.
Wait a minute, you're talking about my kid...
...who stepped on your head to get what she wants.
Listen, I haven't been a great father.
- You don't have kids, do you? - No.
Do you want them?
OK, we're not here to talk about me, are we?
I guess not.
Listen, I'm not evil,
but I wasn't there enough for her.
And I do drink sometimes, and I get real pissed off,
and I break shit.
So if my kid wants to make a show that helps other kids deal
with their crazy families, then I think it's a good thing.
- Even if it's based on a lie? - Well, it won't be a lie,
because I'm gonna tell everybody it was my idea to do that, OK?
That I told her to do it, that I made her do it.
- That will never sell. - It's my daughter.
She's 15, and she...
She might have something here, you know?
It's her shot.
Don't you think that maybe you and I could work out something else?
Why don't you just keep hammering me? I mean, I'm an asshole.
I'm a terrible father. Just keep roasting me.
I just need for you to promise that you'll leave her alone.
If you give me a bigger story, I will bury this one.
OK.
Milan Carlton.
She was a guest star on your show, right?
The holiday special? Right?
OK, I want you to call her up.
And I want you to tell her that you're having a really hard time
with all this bad press you're getting, and it's just gonna get worse.
And you the name of her crisis PR person.
Not her regular guy, her specialist.
OK. I'll call her,
and I'll get his name.
But I gotta tell you, there's no way in hell
her crisis PR manager is gonna go on record with you.
It's OK. I just need his name.
Done.
We know Milan is using a crisis PR guru named Dillon Frawley.
Obviously, he's not going to talk. You need to find a way to get inside.
What are you looking at?
Yeah, you should look away.
You little rat, you.
All right.
You know what, let's talk about wardrobe and makeup later, because...
I know how to dress Little Miss Priss, let's just go over the interview, OK?
Fine. I'm Tami G.
"Milan, you've already been convicted of one driving under the influence,
now you've been arrested a second time. Why should you not go to jail?"
We're not going to let her ask that!
You want her to ask that. You want to answer the tough questions,
or at least seem to, OK? So, "Why should you not go to jail?"
Well, first of all, I only had one glass of wine
and that on-ramp was barely marked. I mean, you could hardly see it...
No, no. This is your answer. Watch.
"I clearly was not OK to drive that night. I thank God nobody got hurt."
- Yeah? - I'm going to thank God?
- Screw God. - Honey, you can screw God off camera.
But on camera, trust me, God is going to set you free.
Listen to me.
You hired me so that I can tell you how to get the public back on your side.
It's a Christian nation. You want forgiveness?
Admit you sins, turn it over to God.
I clearly was not OK to drive that night.
I just thank God I didn't hurt anyone.
Nice, very nice. Now watch, OK...
"Screw God." That's our cover.
Lucy, the camera's hard drive, where did we get it?
- Sorry? - Just, if anybody sues or whatever,
you know, I'd rather not go to jail.
- Don, I always look out for you. - I know.
We got it from some disgruntled worker.
Could be secretarial, could be cleaning crew.
I'll cover you. Besides, we're printing the truth.
They won't sue us, because it would just make them look worse.
OK.
You're doing good, Don. I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
I think I figured out why you hate Milan so much.
She's you.
I just gave you a really nice compliment.
She's all of us. See, we're a nation of spoiled rich people.
Milan's just so extreme that it makes us feel better by comparison.
But really, she's just the part of ourselves we loathe.
That's why we need her.
Makes us feel better. That's her job.
Well, she can't say the job doesn't pay well.
I don't think it makes her happy.
Well, if you think she's unhappy now, wait till she sees my next cover.
Yeah. Lucy...
Holt was on the PR guy's camera, too.
- That little speech outside the club? - No, no, no.
- Is it a story? - I didn't look.
I saw that he was on there, I didn't watch.
I figured it was up to you.
- OK. Thanks. - All right?
OK.
- Good night. - Good night.
You want to humanize, you know, you want to focus on the people.
Julia was a real person with a family and a brother and...
- She didn't have a brother. - Sister, right. You know what?
Let's try it. Watch.
"To you, Julia Mallory is a tabloid story,
but she was also a real person with a mother
and a father and a sister..."
All right, Julia wasn't just a tabloid story...
Nice, but open your arms. You want to be accessible. Open...
- No, no. - What? No, just sit down.
You know what? Forget it. This isn't working out, man.
I know it's hard, it's awkward, but you gotta trust me. This works.
You don't get it, because I don't give a shit.
All right? Look, dude, I don't want to be molded.
You know, I'm just gonna let the chips fall.
Sorry for your time. I'll pay you.
I wish you could've been there, buddy.
Man, there were so many rats. You could've dined out for weeks.
I miss having our little chats, man. I do.
Please, please! I have something very important to say.
I will be going to the Far East to do some charity work,
which is the one thing that will keep me sane.
With everything so negative here,
I can do something positive there,
where people aren't out to hurt you.
Maybe they'll appreciate me.
Thank you.
Hi, I'm Christa Darby. Tune in to Parent 911, starting next month.
I'll even have my own dad with me for my first show,
and, well, we've had some issues, haven't we?
We have? I don't recall.
You know the irony? It was all true.
I mean, everything he said on that first voicemail message.
His daughter is selfish and hollow.
Well, at least she came by it honestly.
Do you want dinner? I was going to get some Chinese.
- In LA? - Well, I know this place on Pico.
Really?
I can't.
It's past ten, and...
...Liz will kill me if I go out to dinner with somebody else
instead of coming straight home.
I wasn't asking you out, Farber. I'm working late, ordering in.
- I know. Sorry. - Well...
Your girlfriend is one lucky woman.
Thanks. I wish she would say that.
I was being facetious.
- Hello? - Hey. Hey, Lucy, were you sleeping?
It's three in the morning.
You're sleeping a lot better since you got stabbed.
That almost makes it worth it, huh?
It's good to sleep.
And yet, you're calling at 3:00am.
Well, Milan Carlton's on TV. I thought you ought to know.
Thanks, honey.
...was stopped by authorities when she took time out
from her Christian relief work to go topless on a beach in a nation
where public nudity is illegal. When police went through her handbag,
they found a gram of cocaine in the socialite's makeup compact.
The country has a zero-tolerance policy for drugs
and the penalty for possession of cocaine is death.
Lucy, are they really going to execute her?
I already mocked up a Milan-gets-the-needle cover.
- Well, actually it would be a hanging. - Or firing squad.
My cousin's with State Department. He said I can be at the embassy
- when she's executed. - She's not gonna be executed!
- She'll get off, like always. - Really?
Well, maybe not like always. It is a small nation in the Far East,
but she's Milan, they'll work something out.
Do you want to bet?
Good boy.
The government has decided to be merciful on Ms. Carlton
and release her from prison, after receiving three public lashes.