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Previously on Dirt:
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Hi, Lucy.
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You ruined my life.
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You're all right, Lucy.
Yeah, you're all right.
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Hello, everyone. Vacation's over.
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- Spiller. You're...
- Alive.
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How's the injection going?
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No, I'm sick.
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You're sick, I'm sick, we're all sick.
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I'm gonna give you the shot now, OK?
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I'm starting to feel normal.
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- Holt McLaren.
- Don Konkey.
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So did you tell her
I tried to visit her?
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Yeah. No.
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- Your name is Kenny?
- Yes, is that a problem?
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- Well, it was for the last guy.
- What happened to the last guy?
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He got shot in the head.
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Oh, and this is Farber Kauffman.
He's a staff reporter
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who will be gunning
for all of your jobs.
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Hey.
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- Lucy, should I be following you...
- That one's yours.
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- Excuse me, that is my desk.
- I know.
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- Don, is that Sharlee Cates?
- This is the thanks that I get?
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- Oh, yeah. OK.
- Get your camera out. Hurry!
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Sharlee Cates would be a great get now.
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Get it, Don! Get it, Don!
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Freaking move! Move!
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Whoa, man. Back up. Back up.
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Come on, give me a sad face. McLaren!
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Hey, Holt! Hey, come on,
ain't it bad taste to be out clubbing
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- so soon after Julia's death?
- Bad taste?
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Yeah.
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You know what I think is bad taste is
you guys following me around everywhere
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I go asking this and that about Julia.
Did you even know her?
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- No.
- No. I didn't think so.
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- I didn't have the pleasure.
- You know what's even more funny
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about that whole situation
is because now what?
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Now you're just going
to make all this money off of her?
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What, to sell your magazines
and your clip shows?
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She's dead, bro. Sell your magazines.
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Why don't you go inside?
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Screw him! The bitch stabbed Lucy
and now he's defending her?
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- He didn't stab anybody.
- Yes, but...
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People. People! People!
I didn't get my liver nicked
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to have Holt McLaren on my cover
saying that we're the bad guys.
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- Willa, are you with us?
- Oh, sorry.
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You've got to hear what
somebody sent in. It's anonymous,
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but it's really good.
Do you mind if I...?
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Yes, anything's better than this.
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Uncle Jimmy?
God, is that turd still on the air?
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That turd just syndicated
for two mil an episode.
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- It's the last great family sitcom.
- I love his stand-up.
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Yeah, this is a slightly
different performance from him.
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Christa, it's your father
calling again Thursday night.
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You know what? You told me
you were coming down here,
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so I set aside seats for you
and your goddamn friends,
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and now I'm about to do a show
and you're not here once again.
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So I look like an ass with my dick in my
hands because my freaking daughter
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didn't show up, OK? Well,
listen, you want to know something?
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You're a stupid little narcissist.
You hear me?
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I don't care if you're 14 or 15
or however the hell old you are.
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You say you don't have my love?
You say you don't have my respect?
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Well, goddamn it, you don't
deserve my respect! You hear me?
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You don't deserve it! Because
you're selfish and you're hollow
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and I don't give a shit about you
and your slutty cheerleader friends!
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Press one to play
the current message again.
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And to think I used to hate people who
left long messages. Is it exclusive?
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I'm thinking that the person who sent
it in is probably spreading it around.
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He's a major sitcom star. We've
got to find out who sent it, and why,
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if it's edited, if it's real,
what's going on.
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Yeah, I was going to start
with his ex-wife.
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You think?
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- What's happening?
- Turn on the news.
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Hold on, we do now have an official
statement from the CHP press office
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confirming that celebutante Milan
Carlton was just stopped by the police
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trying to drive onto the
405 freeway using the off-ramp.
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It could be a problem for Milan
if she's been drinking, right, Nancy?
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If? Girl drinks so much,
she probably pees rubbing alcohol.
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You can't even see the signs.
Are you high?
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My parents paid for that on-ramp!
We can't leave my car!
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- That's my boob!
- Where are the Rodney King cops
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when you need them?
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All right, let's make room for Milan
and her yapping purse mutt.
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"The Cupcake House?" Whose is this?
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That's mine.
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The guy builds a house out of cupcakes?
That's the story?
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Well, he did it to win the heart
of the woman that he loves.
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She's crazy about cupcakes. It's sweet.
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It's sweet. It's insane, but sweet.
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All right, we'll use it next week.
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But get a better shot, of him feeding
her icing off the wall or something.
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- Well, they broke up.
- Not in my magazine. Get the shot.
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All right, Milan is our cover,
but of course she's going to be
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everyone's cover, so what
I want to know is how she's going
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- to get out of going to jail?
- Yeah, isn't she going to jail?
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Right now? On live TV?
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Night court judge
has rescinded her parole,
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mandating her to serve out
the remainder of her sentence
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here at the county jail.
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Milan Carlton is a spoiled little
billionaire who's gotten away
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with everything her whole life.
Why waste time?
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Let's just figure out how
her daddy's going to use his money
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to get his little girl off?
Did I just say that?
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- Yeah.
- Wow. Oddly aroused.
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All right, find out, that's
how we afford the cappuccino runs.
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They pay for cappuccino runs?
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I'm thinking that that was a figure
of speech, but you can go ask her.
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- Oh, hey, Lucy.
- Heard about Milan?
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Yeah, I'm on my way now.
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You and the entire press corps, right?
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Everybody knows.
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- You putting cream on your wound?
- As we speak.
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You know Cabernet doesn't count.
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Do you have a hidden camera in here?
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No, I just know your voice.
Plus, I heard you sip.
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Well, it's Pinot, not Cabernet.
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And, yes, I will put my cream on
if you get a shot of Milan in lock-up.
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But hurry, she'll be out
before her 10:00 Pilates class.
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- OK.
- Thanks.
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Hey, are you all right?
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I'm fine.
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You really don't like her, do you?
Milan?
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What, are you kidding? I love her.
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- Get the shot. Bye.
- Bye.
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Dude.
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You got a smoke?
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Dude, you got a cigarette?
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You're real.
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Look, if you don't smoke,
just say so, Christ.
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Man, this job sucks.
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I knew you were real.
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Hey, man.
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All right.
I'm giving you the finger, here.
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Weird.
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Lucy? Are you OK?
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Yeah.
Every time the cleaning crew comes,
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they move this to plug in the vacuum,
and they don't put it back.
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How's America's favorite sitcom dad?
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Well, his voicemail attacking
his daughter is now on the web.
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It is YouTube's number one hit.
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If they're going to leave everything a
mess, it's not really cleaning, is it?
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- No.
- What about the ex-wife?
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Well, the divorce is final, but they're
still having major custody issues.
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She and her lawyers
have been court ordered
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to keep everything out of the media,
so basically if she leaked the tape...
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Then she'd be guilty of using us.
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I hate when people do that. Get proof.
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- Yeah, that's not going to be easy.
- Did I say "easy?"
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No, easy would be moving
the furniture back after you vacuumed.
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- You want that job?
- No.
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All right, I'll find out
who had access to the voicemail.
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The mother, the lawyer, and see
if they shared it with anybody else.
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- Good start.
- Yeah. OK.
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Oh, man. That hurts.
Don't, don't, don't, don't.
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- Hey Don. What's going on?
- I got a guy here...
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- Don't you always?
- Yeah. Well, you know, he's in booking.
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He always gets me in,
no matter what.
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But this time, he says it's impossible.
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No, Don, nothing's impossible.
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They've got her in a private cell away
from the rest of the prison population,
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so, you know,
I can't sneak in as a guard.
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They're having her meals prepared
privately, so catering's out.
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And she's in a new uniform,
so you can forget about laundry.
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- OK, she's in isolation.
- Yeah. "For her safety
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and for the safety of the rest of the
prison population." That's the quote.
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Yeah. And bullshit. Hey!
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OK, I'm thinking.
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Oh, I put cream on my wound last night
and this morning.
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Oh, yeah, that's good.
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OK, I got it.
You remember that skank from Bel Air,
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the one with the one hit song who killed
her husband with the lawnmower?
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You got that great shot when you
were on the rooftop from her coming
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out of isolation to general population.
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- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Get in place.
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OK. Lucy? Are they going to move her?
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Someone get me the spokesperson
for the jail on the line.
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Oh, they're moving her.
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They are definitely moving her.
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Spokesman for the jail for you
on line two. Sam Greer.
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Thank you.
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Sam Greer.
Hi, it's Lucy Spiller over at Dirt.
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Yes, my people came to me with a story
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and I wanted to give you the courtesy
of a call before running it.
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00:09:42,929 --> 00:09:44,264
Yeah, it's about the special treatment
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00:09:44,398 --> 00:09:46,733
that Milan Carlton's
getting in your jail.
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The personal chef,
the fresh clothes, special cell.
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I hear she has an acupuncturist
coming this afternoon.
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00:09:53,740 --> 00:09:56,143
OK, well, that may be true,
but the rest checks out.
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Yeah, I don't hear you
denying the special cell.
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00:10:00,514 --> 00:10:04,151
OK, great. Yeah, get back to me within
the hour and I will hold the story.
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00:10:04,450 --> 00:10:05,752
Thank you.
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00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:08,989
- Any progress?
- Yeah.
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00:10:09,122 --> 00:10:11,658
Milan's parents and grandparents
have been major contributors
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00:10:11,792 --> 00:10:16,263
to every major political campaign.
Local, national, Republican, Democrat.
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00:10:16,396 --> 00:10:17,564
Equal opportunity payola.
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00:10:17,697 --> 00:10:21,301
Locally, they've supported
the judges, the DA, the mayor.
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00:10:21,435 --> 00:10:23,870
- Well, that will get her out.
- Yeah, well, she's still in.
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00:10:24,004 --> 00:10:26,506
Yeah, but you have
to keep up appearances.
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00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,042
She did plead guilty once,
violated her parole.
200
00:10:29,176 --> 00:10:31,344
It's hard to get out of that,
even with political contacts.
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00:10:31,478 --> 00:10:34,781
I guarantee you Milan will be sleeping
in her own pink frilly bed tonight.
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00:10:38,085 --> 00:10:41,521
- What, do you not trust my instincts?
- No. Yeah, I do.
203
00:10:41,655 --> 00:10:44,458
- No, you don't.
- No, trust me. I trust you.
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00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:47,861
All right, how about this?
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00:10:47,994 --> 00:10:51,565
I'll give you a hundred to one odds
that Milan Carlton is home by midnight.
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00:10:51,698 --> 00:10:52,999
- I'm sorry?
- You heard me.
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00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:56,103
Milan Carlton will not
spend this night in jail.
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00:10:58,939 --> 00:11:00,273
- Hey, Don.
- A hundred to one?
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00:11:00,407 --> 00:11:01,241
Hold on one second.
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00:11:01,374 --> 00:11:03,343
You're saying that
if I put up a hundred bucks...
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00:11:03,477 --> 00:11:06,346
If she gets out by midnight,
I take your hundred.
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00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,216
If she spends one second past midnight,
I owe you ten grand.
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00:11:09,349 --> 00:11:11,918
- Ten grand.
- How about it?
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00:11:12,052 --> 00:11:14,454
- Yeah. OK.
- You need to learn a lesson.
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00:11:15,322 --> 00:11:16,656
Hey.
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00:11:17,357 --> 00:11:19,893
- Are you in place?
- Almost.
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00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,096
- Are you alone?
- Yeah.
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00:11:23,230 --> 00:11:25,098
OK, good. I made the call.
It should happen soon.
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00:11:25,232 --> 00:11:26,533
OK.
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00:11:29,503 --> 00:11:33,874
Milan Carlton is being moved out
of an isolation cell in the tower
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00:11:34,007 --> 00:11:36,376
and in with
the jail's general population.
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00:11:36,510 --> 00:11:39,813
This is in no way
a reaction to public pressure.
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00:11:39,946 --> 00:11:43,783
It's part of normal prisoner intake
and processing procedure.
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00:11:43,917 --> 00:11:47,020
Ms. Carlton is receiving
no special treatment here.
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00:11:47,154 --> 00:11:50,323
She is an ordinary inmate. That's
the way she's going to be treated.
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00:12:18,952 --> 00:12:20,287
Hi.
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00:12:21,121 --> 00:12:22,756
Love you.
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00:12:22,889 --> 00:12:24,925
Ladies and gentleman,
Dirt has just obtained
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00:12:25,058 --> 00:12:30,330
exclusive photos of Milan Carlton being
transferred to general jail population.
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00:12:30,463 --> 00:12:33,033
Farber, the bet's still on.
She'll be out by midnight.
231
00:12:33,867 --> 00:12:36,469
And when she is, I want to know why.
232
00:12:42,075 --> 00:12:44,344
Dad, why are you eating
spaghetti on the floor?
233
00:12:44,477 --> 00:12:47,447
I'm Petey the dog
and this is my doggie bowl.
234
00:12:48,148 --> 00:12:50,050
It's another Jimmy Darby clip.
235
00:12:50,183 --> 00:12:53,286
It hit an hour ago.
It's already in YouTube's top five.
236
00:12:53,553 --> 00:12:55,755
Wow. Makes me feel
a lot better about my father.
237
00:12:55,889 --> 00:12:59,359
I'm not drunk!
I'm totally freaking sober!
238
00:12:59,492 --> 00:13:01,528
- You're drunk, Dad.
- I'm sober!
239
00:13:01,661 --> 00:13:04,664
This is nothing.
At least he's not hitting anybody.
240
00:13:04,798 --> 00:13:06,132
Your father hit you?
241
00:13:09,336 --> 00:13:11,638
How pissed is Lucy going to be
that I'm behind on this?
242
00:13:11,771 --> 00:13:14,774
Well, it hit an hour ago, we don't go
to press for days, how are you behind?
243
00:13:14,908 --> 00:13:17,777
I just got a call from Darby's ex
244
00:13:17,911 --> 00:13:20,614
saying that she had absolutely nothing
to do with leaking either tape.
245
00:13:20,747 --> 00:13:23,850
And then I got a call from her lawyer
giving some not-too-subtle threats
246
00:13:23,984 --> 00:13:27,020
- if we implied that she did.
- The ex-wife's the likely suspect.
247
00:13:27,153 --> 00:13:30,757
She's the one with something to gain.
She can't sue for speculation.
248
00:13:30,890 --> 00:13:32,659
You don't know Lucy Spiller
very well, do you?
249
00:13:32,792 --> 00:13:35,195
- Really.
- You'll learn.
250
00:13:35,996 --> 00:13:39,499
- Hey, where are you going?
- Back to school.
251
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,436
Thanks so much.
It's always so hard to find your way
252
00:13:43,570 --> 00:13:45,272
around a new school the first week,
you know?
253
00:13:45,405 --> 00:13:47,607
- Sure.
- I hate moving,
254
00:13:47,741 --> 00:13:51,645
but my dad just got, like,
indicted at his last job in Florida,
255
00:13:51,778 --> 00:13:54,247
so here we are.
256
00:13:54,381 --> 00:13:57,817
At least the press isn't camped
outside our lawn anymore. That sucks.
257
00:13:57,951 --> 00:13:59,953
Totally.
258
00:14:00,086 --> 00:14:03,056
This girl in gym told me
that you were Jimmy Darby's kid.
259
00:14:03,189 --> 00:14:04,457
So you, like, know, right?
260
00:14:04,591 --> 00:14:05,892
She knows enough to spot the difference
261
00:14:06,026 --> 00:14:08,161
between a new junior
and an old reporter.
262
00:14:08,295 --> 00:14:09,763
- What?
- I'm sorry?
263
00:14:09,896 --> 00:14:12,198
Don't say a word, Christa.
She's a reporter.
264
00:14:12,332 --> 00:14:15,969
- I just transferred here.
- From what? Early retirement?
265
00:14:16,102 --> 00:14:18,004
- You're like 30.
- I'm 24!
266
00:14:18,138 --> 00:14:21,741
Whatever. I told you they'd be all over.
Let's have her arrested.
267
00:14:21,875 --> 00:14:24,010
All right, look,
I'm really sorry that I lied,
268
00:14:24,144 --> 00:14:27,614
but everybody is doing this story
and nobody is getting Christa's side.
269
00:14:27,747 --> 00:14:33,286
- And you're here to do her that favor?
- No, I'm just here to get a story.
270
00:14:33,420 --> 00:14:36,556
Look, all I'm saying is
that you're caught in the middle.
271
00:14:36,690 --> 00:14:38,892
I mean, your mother's the one that
leaked the tape, it's not your fault.
272
00:14:39,025 --> 00:14:41,194
- My mother didn't leak anything.
- Oh, Christa, don't.
273
00:14:41,394 --> 00:14:43,463
No, I'm sick of it. I really am.
274
00:14:43,596 --> 00:14:46,800
We fired the maid,
the handyman, the dog-walker,
275
00:14:46,933 --> 00:14:49,502
and, you know, I really,
really liked our dog-walker.
276
00:14:49,636 --> 00:14:51,571
You people are the ones
out there buying this stuff,
277
00:14:51,705 --> 00:14:55,508
tempting people to steal and sell.
I didn't ask for this, OK?
278
00:14:56,242 --> 00:15:01,147
- I'm sorry.
- No, you're not. It's a good story.
279
00:15:01,281 --> 00:15:03,283
You think it's easy growing up
with screwed-up parents?
280
00:15:03,416 --> 00:15:05,618
Being the big online joke at school?
281
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:10,023
Please, just let me get to my class and
leave me and my messed up family alone.
282
00:15:12,225 --> 00:15:14,260
- Got your quote?
- Look, I didn't mean to...
283
00:15:14,394 --> 00:15:16,396
I don't know about the phone message,
but the video,
284
00:15:16,529 --> 00:15:20,033
Christa just thought she could
scare her dad straight or whatever.
285
00:15:20,166 --> 00:15:23,303
She borrowed my brother's camera
and totally deleted everything
286
00:15:23,436 --> 00:15:26,706
before she gave it back.
She never intended it to get out.
287
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:30,210
It was between her and her father.
288
00:15:31,077 --> 00:15:32,078
Period.
289
00:15:34,414 --> 00:15:35,415
Milan!
290
00:15:42,789 --> 00:15:44,624
Farber, you owe me a hundred bucks.
291
00:15:44,758 --> 00:15:48,061
- She's getting out?
- "Undisclosed medical condition."
292
00:15:48,194 --> 00:15:50,330
More like "jail-o-phobia?" Pay up.
293
00:15:50,997 --> 00:15:52,432
You're seriously going
to take my hundred bucks?
294
00:15:52,631 --> 00:15:54,534
Only if you don't
hand it over willingly.
295
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:56,336
Oh, come on,
like you wouldn't take my ten grand.
296
00:15:56,501 --> 00:15:58,304
You know, I wasn't
going to take your ten grand.
297
00:15:58,964 --> 00:16:02,242
You needed to learn a lesson.
Trust my instincts.
298
00:16:02,450 --> 00:16:04,352
Best money you ever spent. Come on.
299
00:16:05,311 --> 00:16:06,546
Thank you.
300
00:16:08,515 --> 00:16:10,917
Look at her. All prim and proper.
301
00:16:11,050 --> 00:16:14,587
She went in looking like Betty Blow Job
and out like Laura Bush.
302
00:16:14,721 --> 00:16:16,589
You think her mother styled her?
303
00:16:16,723 --> 00:16:19,225
No, she's just as retarded as she is.
304
00:16:19,459 --> 00:16:21,528
No, that's the work of a pro.
305
00:16:22,395 --> 00:16:24,531
Farber, find out who all
went to see her in jail.
306
00:16:24,664 --> 00:16:26,856
I find out who styled her,
can I win back my hundred?
307
00:16:26,991 --> 00:16:28,459
No.
308
00:16:29,936 --> 00:16:33,206
Wow, nice knee socks. Have anything?
309
00:16:33,339 --> 00:16:35,708
I got a great quote from the daughter,
maybe something from the friend.
310
00:16:35,842 --> 00:16:37,744
OK, I want to know who
released the tapes and why.
311
00:16:37,877 --> 00:16:40,647
- Yeah, I might have a lead.
- Have it by recess.
312
00:16:43,616 --> 00:16:44,784
Do I look 30?
313
00:16:45,985 --> 00:16:48,822
Not in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform,
you don't.
314
00:16:48,955 --> 00:16:50,957
- Wait, do you want to?
- What?
315
00:17:08,241 --> 00:17:10,210
I thought we weren't talking.
316
00:17:10,343 --> 00:17:13,446
We're not.
I'm just calling to congratulate you.
317
00:17:15,014 --> 00:17:16,649
What, is this an interview?
318
00:17:16,783 --> 00:17:18,918
Milan Carlton's pretty much
taking over the whole issue.
319
00:17:19,052 --> 00:17:20,920
Lucky you, I don't need a quote.
320
00:17:21,054 --> 00:17:22,989
But unfortunately,
it also means that your
321
00:17:23,122 --> 00:17:25,725
PR play outside the club
won't make it into print,
322
00:17:25,859 --> 00:17:27,527
which is really too bad because
323
00:17:27,660 --> 00:17:29,996
- that was well-played.
- I didn't play anything.
324
00:17:31,130 --> 00:17:34,467
Come on, that wasn't a PR move.
I just said what I felt, you know?
325
00:17:34,601 --> 00:17:35,869
OK...
326
00:17:37,670 --> 00:17:40,139
I wouldn't expect you
to believe me, Lucy.
327
00:17:40,273 --> 00:17:41,508
Good.
328
00:17:49,849 --> 00:17:53,319
Look, you know, one thing I've learned.
329
00:17:55,021 --> 00:17:58,157
The more energy you put
into being angry with others,
330
00:17:58,291 --> 00:18:00,093
the less you have
to face yourself, so...
331
00:18:00,226 --> 00:18:04,197
- Are you going to therapy now?
- Maybe.
332
00:18:06,866 --> 00:18:09,235
Well, let's just
hope you can trust them.
333
00:18:11,771 --> 00:18:13,973
Well, look, I got to catch a flight.
334
00:18:14,207 --> 00:18:16,976
OK. Have a great trip.
335
00:18:17,110 --> 00:18:18,578
You, too.
336
00:18:19,178 --> 00:18:23,283
I mean... thank you.
337
00:18:24,384 --> 00:18:25,652
Bye.
338
00:18:29,923 --> 00:18:33,393
Hi. How long
have you been standing there?
339
00:18:34,827 --> 00:18:39,432
I brought you the pictures of Milan
in jail. Also her getting out.
340
00:18:40,667 --> 00:18:42,902
- It's been quite a day.
- Yeah.
341
00:18:43,736 --> 00:18:45,405
How's Holt?
342
00:18:45,538 --> 00:18:47,373
On the phone, just now.
343
00:18:47,907 --> 00:18:49,576
How do you know I was talking to Holt?
344
00:18:49,709 --> 00:18:51,010
Body language.
345
00:18:51,611 --> 00:18:54,447
My body language says
I'm talking to Holt? Right now?
346
00:18:54,581 --> 00:18:56,249
Before. On the phone.
347
00:18:56,382 --> 00:18:59,485
Now, it just says you don't know
where to put your elbows.
348
00:18:59,619 --> 00:19:02,388
Well, they're attached to my forearms,
let's not read too much into it.
349
00:19:02,522 --> 00:19:05,491
OK, but if you don't want people
to know about you two...
350
00:19:05,625 --> 00:19:06,926
...don't do that when
you're talking to him.
351
00:19:07,060 --> 00:19:08,628
Don't do what?
352
00:19:08,761 --> 00:19:12,098
What? Don, I wasn't doing anything.
OK, I was not doing that.
353
00:19:12,206 --> 00:19:13,924
OK, now I don't know what to do
with my forearms!
354
00:19:14,074 --> 00:19:15,749
- Sorry.
- OK, is this all you have of her
355
00:19:15,849 --> 00:19:17,971
- coming out of jail?
- Yeah.
356
00:19:18,204 --> 00:19:22,075
- She looks like Mother Teresa.
- It's the outfit. Light blue and white.
357
00:19:22,208 --> 00:19:25,645
Like Mother Teresa.
All right, get them to Art.
358
00:19:25,778 --> 00:19:27,413
OK.
359
00:19:34,354 --> 00:19:37,156
Even the network news
is recycling the Milan story.
360
00:19:37,290 --> 00:19:39,325
So much for covering
the bombings in Iraq.
361
00:19:39,459 --> 00:19:40,460
- Hey, Farber!
- Yeah.
362
00:19:40,593 --> 00:19:43,129
Is she going back to jail or not?
Want to lay odds?
363
00:19:43,262 --> 00:19:44,597
I don't know.
364
00:19:44,731 --> 00:19:46,966
You're smart, you're learning. Visitors?
365
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:50,470
Yeah, her mother and her lawyers. No
red flags. But I'm still working on it.
366
00:19:50,603 --> 00:19:52,639
All right, find something good,
they might just have to have her back.
367
00:19:52,772 --> 00:19:56,275
Hey, Lucy, we got Milan Carlton
on line three.
368
00:19:56,409 --> 00:19:57,910
- Her publicist?
- Her.
369
00:19:58,044 --> 00:20:02,815
She said she wants
to speak to you directly. Yeah.
370
00:20:05,952 --> 00:20:07,887
Thank you for taking my call.
371
00:20:08,021 --> 00:20:10,923
Always happy to talk to one
of our biggest sellers.
372
00:20:11,057 --> 00:20:13,493
All that circulation
and I don't make anything out of it.
373
00:20:13,660 --> 00:20:16,629
- Something tells me you do OK.
- Not this week.
374
00:20:16,763 --> 00:20:18,865
There's a few things
I'd like to clear up
375
00:20:18,998 --> 00:20:22,468
and I was thinking about doing
an interview with your magazine.
376
00:20:22,602 --> 00:20:24,804
- Of course.
- I'd like to meet you in person.
377
00:20:24,937 --> 00:20:26,205
Can we arrange that?
378
00:20:26,339 --> 00:20:30,476
I wish I could come to you, but I'm kind
of under a bit of house arrest here.
379
00:20:30,610 --> 00:20:34,414
- I'll come to you.
- Fab-o.
380
00:20:34,547 --> 00:20:37,884
I'll have my guy call your guy, OK?
Ciao.
381
00:20:40,353 --> 00:20:41,621
Fab-o.
382
00:21:31,204 --> 00:21:34,140
Lucy Spiller,
thank you so much for coming.
383
00:21:34,273 --> 00:21:36,642
Can Mariella get you something to drink?
Fuzzy water?
384
00:21:36,776 --> 00:21:37,910
Oh, I'm good.
385
00:21:38,044 --> 00:21:39,746
Bring her some fuzzy water.
Lemon or lime?
386
00:21:40,980 --> 00:21:44,383
Bring her both.
You remember my boyfriend, Ian?
387
00:21:44,517 --> 00:21:47,587
Hi. Right, I know your work.
388
00:21:48,321 --> 00:21:51,190
Sit. I'm sorry
that we have to meet in here.
389
00:21:51,324 --> 00:21:53,593
I can't use my outdoor pool
anymore because of the paps.
390
00:21:53,793 --> 00:21:55,394
Oh, how awful.
391
00:21:56,229 --> 00:21:59,165
I know, I know, poor little rich girl.
392
00:21:59,298 --> 00:22:01,601
But you know,
everything I have, I've earned.
393
00:22:01,734 --> 00:22:04,537
Yeah, well, somehow
I doubt the catalogue shoots
394
00:22:04,670 --> 00:22:06,973
and reality show paid for all this.
395
00:22:07,106 --> 00:22:10,443
- Well, I also have a recording deal.
- Oh, right.
396
00:22:12,078 --> 00:22:13,846
Why are we talking about this?
It's not why you're here.
397
00:22:13,980 --> 00:22:16,616
- Why am I here?
- Everyone knows that Dirt hates me.
398
00:22:16,749 --> 00:22:20,086
The articles about my weight,
my feud with Meggie,
399
00:22:20,219 --> 00:22:21,788
that you think I'm stupid, the DUI...
400
00:22:21,988 --> 00:22:24,624
We never said anything
about your weight.
401
00:22:25,992 --> 00:22:28,795
The point is you hate me. It's fine.
402
00:22:29,428 --> 00:22:31,697
That's why I want you
to have the interview.
403
00:22:32,799 --> 00:22:35,468
Because everybody will believe it.
404
00:22:35,635 --> 00:22:37,336
It won't feel like spin.
405
00:22:37,470 --> 00:22:39,405
So I'm here to give you credibility.
406
00:22:39,539 --> 00:22:43,743
Well, that and score the hottest
celebrity interview of the decade.
407
00:22:43,876 --> 00:22:45,311
- The big scoop?
- Yeah?
408
00:22:45,444 --> 00:22:47,246
My medical condition.
409
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,215
I'm pregnant.
410
00:22:50,583 --> 00:22:53,586
- We're having a baby.
- Congratulations.
411
00:22:53,719 --> 00:22:56,155
But why does that mean
you can't be in jail?
412
00:22:56,289 --> 00:22:59,392
Is the county going to release
all pregnant women from jail?
413
00:22:59,525 --> 00:23:03,262
Because I have a condition.
It's called hyper-ami...
414
00:23:03,396 --> 00:23:06,666
Hyperemesis.
It's real. They had to let her out.
415
00:23:06,833 --> 00:23:08,634
For the welfare of our unborn child.
416
00:23:08,768 --> 00:23:13,005
Who has already
totally changed both our lives.
417
00:23:14,674 --> 00:23:16,309
We don't have to bother
with all the details here.
418
00:23:16,442 --> 00:23:19,412
I've made your job very easy.
Here's the entire interview.
419
00:23:19,545 --> 00:23:22,448
Questions, answers
and I had it typed up.
420
00:23:22,582 --> 00:23:27,053
It's free, it's exclusive,
and your job is completely done.
421
00:23:27,186 --> 00:23:30,022
Obviously, a huge story for you.
422
00:23:30,156 --> 00:23:31,123
You're welcome.
423
00:23:31,257 --> 00:23:33,793
"Hyperemesis." Isn't that
basically morning sickness?
424
00:23:33,926 --> 00:23:37,897
Hey, women die from it every year.
The baby was at risk.
425
00:23:38,064 --> 00:23:39,932
We had to protect the welfare...
426
00:23:40,066 --> 00:23:44,237
Welfare of our unborn child.
We have a doctor's note.
427
00:23:44,370 --> 00:23:46,706
Oh, a celebrity who has a doctor's note?
428
00:23:46,873 --> 00:23:49,108
I'm offering you a major interview here.
429
00:23:49,242 --> 00:23:50,943
You're offering me a hand-job.
430
00:23:51,077 --> 00:23:52,979
This isn't an interview,
it's a press release.
431
00:23:53,112 --> 00:23:56,182
Do you want to do an interview?
Let's talk,
432
00:23:56,315 --> 00:23:59,485
because I'm not going to
publish some PR person's Q&A.
433
00:24:02,922 --> 00:24:05,424
You know, when I was in high school,
434
00:24:05,558 --> 00:24:08,361
I used to drive by the gates
of your parents' house.
435
00:24:08,494 --> 00:24:11,364
It was so huge.
436
00:24:11,497 --> 00:24:14,867
I used to think whoever lives inside,
they must have anything they want.
437
00:24:15,001 --> 00:24:16,669
They can be anything they want.
438
00:24:16,802 --> 00:24:20,506
What did you choose to be?
A celebutante?
439
00:24:21,107 --> 00:24:22,975
I worked my ass off to become a star.
440
00:24:24,944 --> 00:24:27,179
You're not a singer,
you're not an actress,
441
00:24:27,313 --> 00:24:28,848
you've never worked a day in your life.
442
00:24:28,981 --> 00:24:31,517
You're a little spoiled brat
who goes clubbing.
443
00:24:31,651 --> 00:24:32,685
That's all you've ever achieved.
444
00:24:32,818 --> 00:24:36,489
Oh, that and going up an off-ramp after
having one too many chocolatinis.
445
00:24:36,989 --> 00:24:39,191
You think I'm just some party girl?
446
00:24:39,325 --> 00:24:42,261
I am a brand. I created a brand.
447
00:24:42,395 --> 00:24:44,497
You think I'm nothing? OK.
448
00:24:44,630 --> 00:24:47,667
Think about how hard it is to turn
"nothing" into a major brand:
449
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,036
A clothing line, fragrances, makeup.
450
00:24:50,169 --> 00:24:51,904
You can call me a slut or a whore,
anything else,
451
00:24:52,038 --> 00:24:54,674
but never say I don't
work hard for what I have.
452
00:24:55,908 --> 00:24:57,009
Now, there's a quote.
453
00:25:00,212 --> 00:25:04,050
I'll just say that you admitted
you hate me and that you're biased.
454
00:25:04,850 --> 00:25:07,653
You don't want my Q&A, fine.
I'll go to Icon.
455
00:25:08,487 --> 00:25:11,557
Do what you want.
I already have my story.
456
00:25:20,900 --> 00:25:23,502
You bought a used video camera
for $2,000?
457
00:25:23,636 --> 00:25:24,837
Well, it's digital.
458
00:25:26,072 --> 00:25:28,040
No, this isn't just any video camera.
459
00:25:28,174 --> 00:25:32,378
This is Christa Darby's best friend's
brother's video camera.
460
00:25:32,511 --> 00:25:34,246
The one she shot
her father's drunk tape on.
461
00:25:34,380 --> 00:25:37,850
The kid was 12. You should have seen
his face when I gave him the cash.
462
00:25:37,984 --> 00:25:40,419
Well, I thought you said she deleted
everything before she gave it back.
463
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:45,624
Oh, dear, sweet, geek-boy,
you have so much to learn.
464
00:25:45,758 --> 00:25:48,494
Video camera hard drives
are just like computer hard drives.
465
00:25:48,627 --> 00:25:52,031
You can erase them,
but the data's still locked in the code.
466
00:25:52,164 --> 00:25:56,969
- And you know how to get that?
- Well, no. But Varsha in IT did.
467
00:25:57,103 --> 00:26:00,072
It seems that little Christa
did some editing.
468
00:26:00,206 --> 00:26:02,341
Check out the original footage.
469
00:26:04,643 --> 00:26:06,145
Wait, do Petey.
Pretend to be Petey.
470
00:26:06,278 --> 00:26:08,214
OK. OK.
471
00:26:08,347 --> 00:26:11,650
I'm Petey the dog
and this is my dog bowl.
472
00:26:14,387 --> 00:26:15,755
Do the drunk guy, Dad,
do the drunk guy.
473
00:26:15,888 --> 00:26:17,323
OK.
474
00:26:18,090 --> 00:26:20,693
I'm not drunk!
I'm totally freaking sober!
475
00:26:20,826 --> 00:26:23,763
Holy shit. He wasn't drunk.
476
00:26:23,896 --> 00:26:26,332
Well, not as much as he seemed, anyway.
477
00:26:26,465 --> 00:26:31,604
The key to playing a drunk is you got to
try really, really hard to act sober.
478
00:26:32,371 --> 00:26:35,307
It was the daughter? Why?
479
00:26:35,441 --> 00:26:37,109
Well, do you remember
that quote she gave me
480
00:26:37,243 --> 00:26:38,878
when I was interviewing her at school?
481
00:26:40,346 --> 00:26:42,748
"Do you think it's easy growing up
with parents this screwed up?"
482
00:26:42,882 --> 00:26:45,918
She seemed so upset,
but the quote was perfect,
483
00:26:46,052 --> 00:26:47,753
she knew that I would bite at it.
484
00:26:48,754 --> 00:26:50,456
Check this out. This is the reality show
485
00:26:50,589 --> 00:26:52,725
that Christa Darby
pitched six months ago.
486
00:26:52,858 --> 00:26:54,994
It's all about her life
as a sitcom star's daughter.
487
00:26:55,127 --> 00:26:56,128
But nobody was interested.
488
00:26:56,262 --> 00:26:58,264
And one exec said that
she didn't have a hook.
489
00:26:59,198 --> 00:27:01,467
So now that she's famous,
she's trying to re-sell the show?
490
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,470
Oh no, even better.
This time it's Parent 911.
491
00:27:04,603 --> 00:27:07,473
It's genius. She's going
to help kids with problem parents.
492
00:27:07,606 --> 00:27:10,543
Yep, live on the air.
Secret deal's already in the works,
493
00:27:10,676 --> 00:27:12,044
they're going to announce it
any day now.
494
00:27:12,178 --> 00:27:13,612
Making a brand out of nothing.
495
00:27:13,746 --> 00:27:17,950
Hey, Lucy, sorry,
Milan's interview is on.
496
00:27:19,118 --> 00:27:22,088
I clearly was not OK
to drive that night.
497
00:27:23,122 --> 00:27:25,758
I just thank God
that I didn't hurt anyone.
498
00:27:25,891 --> 00:27:29,662
Some people might find it hard
to believe that God has become
499
00:27:29,795 --> 00:27:31,564
an important part of your life.
500
00:27:35,134 --> 00:27:36,872
I did a lot of stupid things
when I was young.
501
00:27:37,005 --> 00:27:38,774
What, like last week?
502
00:27:38,907 --> 00:27:40,876
Ian has taught me about the Bible.
503
00:27:41,009 --> 00:27:43,111
- That whatever other people think...
- Oh, my God.
504
00:27:43,245 --> 00:27:44,947
She's got him dressed like a banker.
505
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,516
God has blessed us with a child.
506
00:27:49,585 --> 00:27:52,621
- It's time to grow up.
- Great. We can go with how
507
00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:55,123
she tried to sell this same crap to you.
508
00:27:56,358 --> 00:27:59,027
Those are words.
We're in a world of images.
509
00:27:59,161 --> 00:28:02,931
And right now the image is of Milan
in her Mother Teresa colors
510
00:28:03,065 --> 00:28:05,100
praising God to Tami G.
511
00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:10,472
I want to meet with Jimmy Darby tonight.
My house.
512
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:13,709
OK.
513
00:28:22,384 --> 00:28:25,754
See, the key to playing a drunk
514
00:28:25,887 --> 00:28:29,725
is you got to try really, really hard
to act sober.
515
00:28:29,858 --> 00:28:32,728
That's the key. All right.
516
00:28:33,295 --> 00:28:35,397
Why didn't you just
come out with the truth?
517
00:28:35,530 --> 00:28:39,601
She's not wrong.
I was drinking that night.
518
00:28:39,768 --> 00:28:43,572
Your daughter dubbed lines to make it
look like you thought you were a dog.
519
00:28:43,705 --> 00:28:45,240
That doesn't bother you?
520
00:28:45,374 --> 00:28:47,809
Did you hear that horrible
voicemail I left her?
521
00:28:47,943 --> 00:28:50,479
Don't you think
I deserved some bad press?
522
00:28:50,612 --> 00:28:53,248
And she needed some good press...
to sell her show.
523
00:28:53,382 --> 00:28:55,784
Wait a minute,
you're talking about my kid...
524
00:28:55,917 --> 00:28:59,054
...who stepped on your head
to get what she wants.
525
00:29:01,590 --> 00:29:05,260
Listen, I haven't been a great father.
526
00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:10,098
- You don't have kids, do you?
- No.
527
00:29:10,232 --> 00:29:11,900
Do you want them?
528
00:29:14,369 --> 00:29:16,838
OK, we're not here
to talk about me, are we?
529
00:29:16,972 --> 00:29:18,707
I guess not.
530
00:29:19,574 --> 00:29:21,410
Listen, I'm not evil,
531
00:29:21,543 --> 00:29:24,846
but I wasn't there enough for her.
532
00:29:24,980 --> 00:29:27,582
And I do drink sometimes,
and I get real pissed off,
533
00:29:27,716 --> 00:29:29,361
and I break shit.
534
00:29:29,536 --> 00:29:32,661
So if my kid wants to make a show
that helps other kids deal
535
00:29:32,811 --> 00:29:36,458
with their crazy families,
then I think it's a good thing.
536
00:29:36,591 --> 00:29:38,927
- Even if it's based on a lie?
- Well, it won't be a lie,
537
00:29:39,061 --> 00:29:42,164
because I'm gonna tell everybody
it was my idea to do that, OK?
538
00:29:42,297 --> 00:29:44,499
That I told her to do it,
that I made her do it.
539
00:29:44,633 --> 00:29:46,435
- That will never sell.
- It's my daughter.
540
00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:50,505
She's 15, and she...
541
00:29:50,639 --> 00:29:53,508
She might have
something here, you know?
542
00:29:53,642 --> 00:29:54,943
It's her shot.
543
00:29:56,011 --> 00:29:59,214
Don't you think that maybe you
and I could work out something else?
544
00:29:59,348 --> 00:30:03,177
Why don't you just keep hammering me?
I mean, I'm an asshole.
545
00:30:03,485 --> 00:30:06,902
I'm a terrible father.
Just keep roasting me.
546
00:30:07,756 --> 00:30:10,826
I just need for you to promise
that you'll leave her alone.
547
00:30:14,696 --> 00:30:17,966
If you give me a bigger story,
I will bury this one.
548
00:30:18,100 --> 00:30:19,534
OK.
549
00:30:20,969 --> 00:30:23,071
Milan Carlton.
550
00:30:24,539 --> 00:30:26,308
She was a guest star
on your show, right?
551
00:30:26,441 --> 00:30:28,443
The holiday special? Right?
552
00:30:28,577 --> 00:30:30,545
OK, I want you to call her up.
553
00:30:30,679 --> 00:30:33,482
And I want you to tell her
that you're having a really hard time
554
00:30:33,615 --> 00:30:36,485
with all this bad press you're getting,
and it's just gonna get worse.
555
00:30:36,618 --> 00:30:40,021
And you the name
of her crisis PR person.
556
00:30:40,155 --> 00:30:43,024
Not her regular guy, her specialist.
557
00:30:43,692 --> 00:30:46,661
OK. I'll call her,
558
00:30:46,795 --> 00:30:48,597
and I'll get his name.
559
00:30:48,730 --> 00:30:52,334
But I gotta tell you,
there's no way in hell
560
00:30:52,467 --> 00:30:56,471
her crisis PR manager
is gonna go on record with you.
561
00:30:57,339 --> 00:31:00,208
It's OK. I just need his name.
562
00:31:00,849 --> 00:31:01,977
Done.
563
00:31:08,316 --> 00:31:12,621
We know Milan is using a crisis PR guru
named Dillon Frawley.
564
00:31:12,754 --> 00:31:16,858
Obviously, he's not going to talk.
You need to find a way to get inside.
565
00:31:52,727 --> 00:31:54,329
What are you looking at?
566
00:31:57,466 --> 00:31:59,734
Yeah, you should look away.
567
00:32:00,669 --> 00:32:01,937
You little rat, you.
568
00:32:08,677 --> 00:32:09,678
All right.
569
00:32:11,780 --> 00:32:14,416
You know what, let's talk about wardrobe
and makeup later, because...
570
00:32:14,549 --> 00:32:18,186
I know how to dress Little Miss Priss,
let's just go over the interview, OK?
571
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:19,921
Fine. I'm Tami G.
572
00:32:20,055 --> 00:32:23,658
"Milan, you've already been convicted
of one driving under the influence,
573
00:32:23,792 --> 00:32:27,762
now you've been arrested a second time.
Why should you not go to jail?"
574
00:32:27,896 --> 00:32:29,364
We're not going to let her ask that!
575
00:32:29,498 --> 00:32:32,300
You want her to ask that.
You want to answer the tough questions,
576
00:32:32,434 --> 00:32:35,570
or at least seem to, OK?
So, "Why should you not go to jail?"
577
00:32:35,704 --> 00:32:38,273
Well, first of all,
I only had one glass of wine
578
00:32:38,406 --> 00:32:40,575
and that on-ramp was barely marked.
I mean, you could hardly see it...
579
00:32:40,709 --> 00:32:43,345
No, no. This is your answer. Watch.
580
00:32:44,212 --> 00:32:49,818
"I clearly was not OK to drive that
night. I thank God nobody got hurt."
581
00:32:49,951 --> 00:32:52,821
- Yeah?
- I'm going to thank God?
582
00:32:52,954 --> 00:32:55,624
- Screw God.
- Honey, you can screw God off camera.
583
00:32:55,757 --> 00:32:59,060
But on camera, trust me,
God is going to set you free.
584
00:32:59,861 --> 00:33:00,962
Listen to me.
585
00:33:01,096 --> 00:33:04,866
You hired me so that I can tell you how
to get the public back on your side.
586
00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:08,904
It's a Christian nation.
You want forgiveness?
587
00:33:09,037 --> 00:33:11,306
Admit you sins, turn it over to God.
588
00:33:17,145 --> 00:33:19,247
I clearly was not OK
to drive that night.
589
00:33:22,284 --> 00:33:24,085
I just thank God I didn't hurt anyone.
590
00:33:24,219 --> 00:33:27,556
Nice, very nice. Now watch, OK...
591
00:33:30,592 --> 00:33:33,562
"Screw God." That's our cover.
592
00:33:35,797 --> 00:33:39,968
Lucy, the camera's hard drive,
where did we get it?
593
00:33:40,101 --> 00:33:44,839
- Sorry?
- Just, if anybody sues or whatever,
594
00:33:44,973 --> 00:33:47,576
you know, I'd rather not go to jail.
595
00:33:47,709 --> 00:33:51,880
- Don, I always look out for you.
- I know.
596
00:33:52,948 --> 00:33:55,483
We got it from some disgruntled worker.
597
00:33:55,617 --> 00:34:00,422
Could be secretarial,
could be cleaning crew.
598
00:34:00,555 --> 00:34:03,925
I'll cover you.
Besides, we're printing the truth.
599
00:34:04,059 --> 00:34:06,528
They won't sue us, because
it would just make them look worse.
600
00:34:06,661 --> 00:34:08,463
OK.
601
00:34:12,567 --> 00:34:15,724
You're doing good, Don.
I'm proud of you.
602
00:34:16,605 --> 00:34:18,139
Thank you.
603
00:34:19,207 --> 00:34:23,011
I think I figured out
why you hate Milan so much.
604
00:34:23,712 --> 00:34:24,879
She's you.
605
00:34:25,680 --> 00:34:27,449
I just gave you
a really nice compliment.
606
00:34:27,582 --> 00:34:31,486
She's all of us. See, we're
a nation of spoiled rich people.
607
00:34:31,620 --> 00:34:36,091
Milan's just so extreme that it
makes us feel better by comparison.
608
00:34:36,224 --> 00:34:39,861
But really, she's just
the part of ourselves we loathe.
609
00:34:40,962 --> 00:34:42,130
That's why we need her.
610
00:34:42,897 --> 00:34:45,700
Makes us feel better. That's her job.
611
00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:48,303
Well, she can't say
the job doesn't pay well.
612
00:34:48,436 --> 00:34:49,704
I don't think it makes her happy.
613
00:34:50,572 --> 00:34:53,408
Well, if you think she's unhappy now,
wait till she sees my next cover.
614
00:34:53,541 --> 00:34:55,944
Yeah. Lucy...
615
00:34:58,146 --> 00:35:02,050
Holt was on the PR guy's camera, too.
616
00:35:03,851 --> 00:35:06,326
- That little speech outside the club?
- No, no, no.
617
00:35:06,988 --> 00:35:08,757
- Is it a story?
- I didn't look.
618
00:35:08,890 --> 00:35:11,593
I saw that he was on there,
I didn't watch.
619
00:35:11,726 --> 00:35:13,628
I figured it was up to you.
620
00:35:15,714 --> 00:35:18,299
- OK. Thanks.
- All right?
621
00:35:18,383 --> 00:35:19,951
OK.
622
00:35:24,572 --> 00:35:26,441
- Good night.
- Good night.
623
00:35:59,207 --> 00:36:02,277
You want to humanize, you know,
you want to focus on the people.
624
00:36:02,410 --> 00:36:05,680
Julia was a real person with a family
and a brother and...
625
00:36:05,814 --> 00:36:09,751
- She didn't have a brother.
- Sister, right. You know what?
626
00:36:09,884 --> 00:36:12,020
Let's try it. Watch.
627
00:36:13,121 --> 00:36:17,392
"To you,
Julia Mallory is a tabloid story,
628
00:36:17,525 --> 00:36:20,395
but she was also a real person
with a mother
629
00:36:20,528 --> 00:36:22,697
and a father and a sister..."
630
00:36:28,002 --> 00:36:30,138
All right,
Julia wasn't just a tabloid story...
631
00:36:30,271 --> 00:36:32,574
Nice, but open your arms.
You want to be accessible. Open...
632
00:36:32,707 --> 00:36:34,309
- No, no.
- What? No, just sit down.
633
00:36:34,442 --> 00:36:37,345
You know what? Forget it.
This isn't working out, man.
634
00:36:37,479 --> 00:36:39,814
I know it's hard, it's awkward,
but you gotta trust me. This works.
635
00:36:39,948 --> 00:36:42,283
You don't get it,
because I don't give a shit.
636
00:36:44,085 --> 00:36:47,655
All right? Look, dude,
I don't want to be molded.
637
00:36:47,789 --> 00:36:50,725
You know, I'm just gonna
let the chips fall.
638
00:36:51,860 --> 00:36:54,629
Sorry for your time. I'll pay you.
639
00:37:05,039 --> 00:37:07,008
I wish you could've been there, buddy.
640
00:37:08,076 --> 00:37:11,679
Man, there were so many rats.
You could've dined out for weeks.
641
00:37:16,851 --> 00:37:21,256
I miss having our little chats, man.
I do.
642
00:37:23,992 --> 00:37:27,328
Please, please!
I have something very important to say.
643
00:37:28,263 --> 00:37:31,966
I will be going to the Far East
to do some charity work,
644
00:37:32,100 --> 00:37:35,103
which is the one thing
that will keep me sane.
645
00:37:35,236 --> 00:37:37,806
With everything so negative here,
646
00:37:37,939 --> 00:37:40,642
I can do something positive there,
647
00:37:40,775 --> 00:37:43,044
where people aren't out to hurt you.
648
00:37:45,146 --> 00:37:46,748
Maybe they'll appreciate me.
649
00:37:48,249 --> 00:37:49,784
Thank you.
650
00:37:56,891 --> 00:38:00,762
Hi, I'm Christa Darby. Tune in
to Parent 911, starting next month.
651
00:38:00,895 --> 00:38:03,164
I'll even have my own dad with me
for my first show,
652
00:38:03,298 --> 00:38:05,233
and, well,
we've had some issues, haven't we?
653
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:08,736
We have? I don't recall.
654
00:38:11,206 --> 00:38:14,542
You know the irony? It was all true.
655
00:38:14,676 --> 00:38:17,345
I mean, everything he said
on that first voicemail message.
656
00:38:18,646 --> 00:38:20,626
His daughter is selfish and hollow.
657
00:38:21,516 --> 00:38:23,718
Well, at least she came by it honestly.
658
00:38:25,486 --> 00:38:27,255
Do you want dinner?
I was going to get some Chinese.
659
00:38:27,388 --> 00:38:30,558
- In LA?
- Well, I know this place on Pico.
660
00:38:30,692 --> 00:38:31,693
Really?
661
00:38:37,065 --> 00:38:38,285
I can't.
662
00:38:39,033 --> 00:38:40,829
It's past ten, and...
663
00:38:41,569 --> 00:38:43,671
...Liz will kill me
if I go out to dinner with somebody else
664
00:38:43,805 --> 00:38:45,640
instead of coming straight home.
665
00:38:47,604 --> 00:38:52,513
I wasn't asking you out, Farber.
I'm working late, ordering in.
666
00:38:53,381 --> 00:38:56,084
- I know. Sorry.
- Well...
667
00:38:58,186 --> 00:39:00,099
Your girlfriend
is one lucky woman.
668
00:39:00,455 --> 00:39:03,224
Thanks. I wish she would say that.
669
00:39:05,285 --> 00:39:06,958
I was being facetious.
670
00:39:28,516 --> 00:39:32,553
- Hello?
- Hey. Hey, Lucy, were you sleeping?
671
00:39:32,687 --> 00:39:34,088
It's three in the morning.
672
00:39:34,222 --> 00:39:37,325
You're sleeping a lot better
since you got stabbed.
673
00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:39,928
That almost makes it worth it, huh?
674
00:39:40,061 --> 00:39:41,362
It's good to sleep.
675
00:39:42,764 --> 00:39:44,766
And yet, you're calling at 3:00am.
676
00:39:44,899 --> 00:39:48,236
Well, Milan Carlton's on TV.
I thought you ought to know.
677
00:39:52,140 --> 00:39:54,042
Thanks, honey.
678
00:40:01,015 --> 00:40:03,051
...was stopped by authorities
when she took time out
679
00:40:03,184 --> 00:40:06,220
from her Christian relief work
to go topless on a beach in a nation
680
00:40:06,354 --> 00:40:09,657
where public nudity is illegal.
When police went through her handbag,
681
00:40:09,791 --> 00:40:13,194
they found a gram of cocaine
in the socialite's makeup compact.
682
00:40:13,328 --> 00:40:16,464
The country has
a zero-tolerance policy for drugs
683
00:40:16,597 --> 00:40:19,300
and the penalty for possession
of cocaine is death.
684
00:40:21,336 --> 00:40:23,004
Lucy, are they really
going to execute her?
685
00:40:23,137 --> 00:40:24,939
I already mocked up
a Milan-gets-the-needle cover.
686
00:40:25,073 --> 00:40:27,241
- Well, actually it would be a hanging.
- Or firing squad.
687
00:40:27,375 --> 00:40:29,877
My cousin's with State Department.
He said I can be at the embassy
688
00:40:30,011 --> 00:40:32,180
- when she's executed.
- She's not gonna be executed!
689
00:40:32,313 --> 00:40:34,649
- She'll get off, like always.
- Really?
690
00:40:35,917 --> 00:40:38,686
Well, maybe not like always.
It is a small nation in the Far East,
691
00:40:38,820 --> 00:40:41,689
but she's Milan,
they'll work something out.
692
00:40:43,825 --> 00:40:45,226
Do you want to bet?
693
00:40:46,527 --> 00:40:47,929
Good boy.
694
00:40:51,332 --> 00:40:53,801
The government has decided
to be merciful on Ms. Carlton
695
00:40:53,935 --> 00:40:58,306
and release her from prison,
after receiving three public lashes.