1 00:00:00,112 --> 00:00:01,515 Previously on Dirt: 2 00:00:02,124 --> 00:00:04,026 Hi, Lucy. 3 00:00:04,869 --> 00:00:06,404 You ruined my life. 4 00:00:15,362 --> 00:00:17,865 You're all right, Lucy. Yeah, you're all right. 5 00:00:18,599 --> 00:00:20,835 Hello, everyone. Vacation's over. 6 00:00:20,968 --> 00:00:23,671 - Spiller. You're... - Alive. 7 00:00:23,804 --> 00:00:24,872 How's the injection going? 8 00:00:25,005 --> 00:00:26,273 No, I'm sick. 9 00:00:26,407 --> 00:00:28,275 You're sick, I'm sick, we're all sick. 10 00:00:29,276 --> 00:00:30,544 I'm gonna give you the shot now, OK? 11 00:00:30,678 --> 00:00:32,480 I'm starting to feel normal. 12 00:00:32,613 --> 00:00:34,782 - Holt McLaren. - Don Konkey. 13 00:00:34,915 --> 00:00:37,685 So did you tell her I tried to visit her? 14 00:00:37,818 --> 00:00:40,721 Yeah. No. 15 00:00:40,855 --> 00:00:43,023 - Your name is Kenny? - Yes, is that a problem? 16 00:00:43,190 --> 00:00:45,493 - Well, it was for the last guy. - What happened to the last guy? 17 00:00:45,659 --> 00:00:46,694 He got shot in the head. 18 00:00:46,827 --> 00:00:49,230 Oh, and this is Farber Kauffman. He's a staff reporter 19 00:00:49,363 --> 00:00:51,232 who will be gunning for all of your jobs. 20 00:00:51,365 --> 00:00:52,366 Hey. 21 00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:54,869 - Lucy, should I be following you... - That one's yours. 22 00:00:55,002 --> 00:00:56,937 - Excuse me, that is my desk. - I know. 23 00:00:57,071 --> 00:00:59,406 - Don, is that Sharlee Cates? - This is the thanks that I get? 24 00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:01,242 - Oh, yeah. OK. - Get your camera out. Hurry! 25 00:01:02,710 --> 00:01:04,478 Sharlee Cates would be a great get now. 26 00:01:05,546 --> 00:01:07,448 Get it, Don! Get it, Don! 27 00:01:08,349 --> 00:01:10,584 Freaking move! Move! 28 00:01:14,188 --> 00:01:17,024 Whoa, man. Back up. Back up. 29 00:01:18,859 --> 00:01:22,062 Come on, give me a sad face. McLaren! 30 00:01:23,297 --> 00:01:26,567 Hey, Holt! Hey, come on, ain't it bad taste to be out clubbing 31 00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:29,637 - so soon after Julia's death? - Bad taste? 32 00:01:29,770 --> 00:01:31,672 Yeah. 33 00:01:31,805 --> 00:01:34,642 You know what I think is bad taste is you guys following me around everywhere 34 00:01:34,775 --> 00:01:38,212 I go asking this and that about Julia. Did you even know her? 35 00:01:38,345 --> 00:01:40,514 - No. - No. I didn't think so. 36 00:01:40,648 --> 00:01:43,317 - I didn't have the pleasure. - You know what's even more funny 37 00:01:43,450 --> 00:01:46,220 about that whole situation is because now what? 38 00:01:46,353 --> 00:01:48,923 Now you're just going to make all this money off of her? 39 00:01:49,056 --> 00:01:52,326 What, to sell your magazines and your clip shows? 40 00:01:52,459 --> 00:01:55,462 She's dead, bro. Sell your magazines. 41 00:01:55,596 --> 00:01:56,697 Why don't you go inside? 42 00:01:56,830 --> 00:01:59,934 Screw him! The bitch stabbed Lucy and now he's defending her? 43 00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,368 - He didn't stab anybody. - Yes, but... 44 00:02:01,502 --> 00:02:04,338 People. People! People! I didn't get my liver nicked 45 00:02:04,471 --> 00:02:07,975 to have Holt McLaren on my cover saying that we're the bad guys. 46 00:02:08,108 --> 00:02:11,445 - Willa, are you with us? - Oh, sorry. 47 00:02:11,579 --> 00:02:13,914 You've got to hear what somebody sent in. It's anonymous, 48 00:02:14,048 --> 00:02:15,482 but it's really good. Do you mind if I...? 49 00:02:15,616 --> 00:02:16,917 Yes, anything's better than this. 50 00:02:17,952 --> 00:02:20,788 Uncle Jimmy? God, is that turd still on the air? 51 00:02:20,921 --> 00:02:23,490 That turd just syndicated for two mil an episode. 52 00:02:23,624 --> 00:02:26,026 - It's the last great family sitcom. - I love his stand-up. 53 00:02:26,193 --> 00:02:29,797 Yeah, this is a slightly different performance from him. 54 00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:34,168 Christa, it's your father calling again Thursday night. 55 00:02:34,301 --> 00:02:35,968 You know what? You told me you were coming down here, 56 00:02:36,093 --> 00:02:38,138 so I set aside seats for you and your goddamn friends, 57 00:02:38,272 --> 00:02:40,674 and now I'm about to do a show and you're not here once again. 58 00:02:40,808 --> 00:02:44,044 So I look like an ass with my dick in my hands because my freaking daughter 59 00:02:44,178 --> 00:02:47,047 didn't show up, OK? Well, listen, you want to know something? 60 00:02:47,214 --> 00:02:49,650 You're a stupid little narcissist. You hear me? 61 00:02:49,783 --> 00:02:53,087 I don't care if you're 14 or 15 or however the hell old you are. 62 00:02:53,220 --> 00:02:55,923 You say you don't have my love? You say you don't have my respect? 63 00:02:56,056 --> 00:02:59,159 Well, goddamn it, you don't deserve my respect! You hear me? 64 00:02:59,293 --> 00:03:02,196 You don't deserve it! Because you're selfish and you're hollow 65 00:03:02,329 --> 00:03:06,467 and I don't give a shit about you and your slutty cheerleader friends! 66 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:09,236 Press one to play the current message again. 67 00:03:09,370 --> 00:03:12,573 And to think I used to hate people who left long messages. Is it exclusive? 68 00:03:12,706 --> 00:03:16,176 I'm thinking that the person who sent it in is probably spreading it around. 69 00:03:16,310 --> 00:03:19,580 He's a major sitcom star. We've got to find out who sent it, and why, 70 00:03:19,713 --> 00:03:21,281 if it's edited, if it's real, what's going on. 71 00:03:21,415 --> 00:03:23,083 Yeah, I was going to start with his ex-wife. 72 00:03:23,217 --> 00:03:24,218 You think? 73 00:03:27,655 --> 00:03:29,823 - What's happening? - Turn on the news. 74 00:03:30,958 --> 00:03:34,628 Hold on, we do now have an official statement from the CHP press office 75 00:03:34,762 --> 00:03:39,533 confirming that celebutante Milan Carlton was just stopped by the police 76 00:03:39,667 --> 00:03:43,404 trying to drive onto the 405 freeway using the off-ramp. 77 00:03:43,537 --> 00:03:46,473 It could be a problem for Milan if she's been drinking, right, Nancy? 78 00:03:46,607 --> 00:03:49,576 If? Girl drinks so much, she probably pees rubbing alcohol. 79 00:03:49,710 --> 00:03:52,146 You can't even see the signs. Are you high? 80 00:03:52,379 --> 00:03:55,482 My parents paid for that on-ramp! We can't leave my car! 81 00:03:55,983 --> 00:03:58,318 - That's my boob! - Where are the Rodney King cops 82 00:03:58,452 --> 00:03:59,520 when you need them? 83 00:04:13,867 --> 00:04:18,305 All right, let's make room for Milan and her yapping purse mutt. 84 00:04:22,009 --> 00:04:23,911 "The Cupcake House?" Whose is this? 85 00:04:24,119 --> 00:04:25,433 That's mine. 86 00:04:25,994 --> 00:04:28,663 The guy builds a house out of cupcakes? That's the story? 87 00:04:28,856 --> 00:04:30,991 Well, he did it to win the heart of the woman that he loves. 88 00:04:31,091 --> 00:04:33,738 She's crazy about cupcakes. It's sweet. 89 00:04:33,829 --> 00:04:35,903 It's sweet. It's insane, but sweet. 90 00:04:36,323 --> 00:04:37,591 All right, we'll use it next week. 91 00:04:37,725 --> 00:04:40,728 But get a better shot, of him feeding her icing off the wall or something. 92 00:04:40,861 --> 00:04:43,497 - Well, they broke up. - Not in my magazine. Get the shot. 93 00:04:43,630 --> 00:04:45,699 All right, Milan is our cover, but of course she's going to be 94 00:04:45,833 --> 00:04:48,001 everyone's cover, so what I want to know is how she's going 95 00:04:48,135 --> 00:04:50,804 - to get out of going to jail? - Yeah, isn't she going to jail? 96 00:04:50,938 --> 00:04:53,841 Right now? On live TV? 97 00:04:53,974 --> 00:04:56,243 Night court judge has rescinded her parole, 98 00:04:56,376 --> 00:04:58,946 mandating her to serve out the remainder of her sentence 99 00:04:59,079 --> 00:05:01,014 here at the county jail. 100 00:05:01,148 --> 00:05:03,784 Milan Carlton is a spoiled little billionaire who's gotten away 101 00:05:03,917 --> 00:05:06,386 with everything her whole life. Why waste time? 102 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:08,322 Let's just figure out how her daddy's going to use his money 103 00:05:08,455 --> 00:05:11,258 to get his little girl off? Did I just say that? 104 00:05:11,391 --> 00:05:14,228 - Yeah. - Wow. Oddly aroused. 105 00:05:14,361 --> 00:05:17,464 All right, find out, that's how we afford the cappuccino runs. 106 00:05:17,598 --> 00:05:19,366 They pay for cappuccino runs? 107 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:22,936 I'm thinking that that was a figure of speech, but you can go ask her. 108 00:05:25,973 --> 00:05:28,242 - Oh, hey, Lucy. - Heard about Milan? 109 00:05:28,375 --> 00:05:29,843 Yeah, I'm on my way now. 110 00:05:29,977 --> 00:05:32,312 You and the entire press corps, right? 111 00:05:32,446 --> 00:05:34,181 Everybody knows. 112 00:05:34,314 --> 00:05:37,684 - You putting cream on your wound? - As we speak. 113 00:05:37,818 --> 00:05:39,820 You know Cabernet doesn't count. 114 00:05:40,921 --> 00:05:42,289 Do you have a hidden camera in here? 115 00:05:42,422 --> 00:05:45,092 No, I just know your voice. Plus, I heard you sip. 116 00:05:45,225 --> 00:05:46,727 Well, it's Pinot, not Cabernet. 117 00:05:46,860 --> 00:05:50,731 And, yes, I will put my cream on if you get a shot of Milan in lock-up. 118 00:05:50,864 --> 00:05:53,734 But hurry, she'll be out before her 10:00 Pilates class. 119 00:05:53,867 --> 00:05:56,270 - OK. - Thanks. 120 00:05:56,403 --> 00:05:58,005 Hey, are you all right? 121 00:05:58,138 --> 00:06:00,174 I'm fine. 122 00:06:00,307 --> 00:06:02,609 You really don't like her, do you? Milan? 123 00:06:02,743 --> 00:06:05,579 What, are you kidding? I love her. 124 00:06:05,712 --> 00:06:08,782 - Get the shot. Bye. - Bye. 125 00:06:10,818 --> 00:06:12,219 Dude. 126 00:06:16,490 --> 00:06:17,491 You got a smoke? 127 00:06:22,629 --> 00:06:25,632 Dude, you got a cigarette? 128 00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:27,968 You're real. 129 00:06:28,101 --> 00:06:31,772 Look, if you don't smoke, just say so, Christ. 130 00:06:32,773 --> 00:06:34,708 Man, this job sucks. 131 00:06:36,009 --> 00:06:37,511 I knew you were real. 132 00:06:38,645 --> 00:06:39,947 Hey, man. 133 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,550 All right. I'm giving you the finger, here. 134 00:06:47,988 --> 00:06:49,356 Weird. 135 00:06:53,894 --> 00:06:55,762 Lucy? Are you OK? 136 00:06:55,896 --> 00:06:58,532 Yeah. Every time the cleaning crew comes, 137 00:06:58,665 --> 00:07:00,934 they move this to plug in the vacuum, and they don't put it back. 138 00:07:01,068 --> 00:07:03,570 How's America's favorite sitcom dad? 139 00:07:03,704 --> 00:07:07,207 Well, his voicemail attacking his daughter is now on the web. 140 00:07:07,341 --> 00:07:09,368 It is YouTube's number one hit. 141 00:07:09,501 --> 00:07:11,693 If they're going to leave everything a mess, it's not really cleaning, is it? 142 00:07:11,768 --> 00:07:13,580 - No. - What about the ex-wife? 143 00:07:13,714 --> 00:07:16,583 Well, the divorce is final, but they're still having major custody issues. 144 00:07:16,717 --> 00:07:19,686 She and her lawyers have been court ordered 145 00:07:19,820 --> 00:07:23,084 to keep everything out of the media, so basically if she leaked the tape... 146 00:07:23,223 --> 00:07:25,634 Then she'd be guilty of using us. 147 00:07:26,293 --> 00:07:27,794 I hate when people do that. Get proof. 148 00:07:27,928 --> 00:07:30,864 - Yeah, that's not going to be easy. - Did I say "easy?" 149 00:07:31,382 --> 00:07:34,082 No, easy would be moving the furniture back after you vacuumed. 150 00:07:34,307 --> 00:07:36,194 - You want that job? - No. 151 00:07:36,303 --> 00:07:38,381 All right, I'll find out who had access to the voicemail. 152 00:07:38,531 --> 00:07:40,531 The mother, the lawyer, and see if they shared it with anybody else. 153 00:07:40,649 --> 00:07:42,517 - Good start. - Yeah. OK. 154 00:07:49,049 --> 00:07:52,519 Oh, man. That hurts. Don't, don't, don't, don't. 155 00:08:14,875 --> 00:08:17,811 - Hey Don. What's going on? - I got a guy here... 156 00:08:18,145 --> 00:08:21,181 - Don't you always? - Yeah. Well, you know, he's in booking. 157 00:08:21,315 --> 00:08:22,916 He always gets me in, no matter what. 158 00:08:23,050 --> 00:08:25,018 But this time, he says it's impossible. 159 00:08:25,152 --> 00:08:26,420 No, Don, nothing's impossible. 160 00:08:26,553 --> 00:08:29,756 They've got her in a private cell away from the rest of the prison population, 161 00:08:29,890 --> 00:08:31,725 so, you know, I can't sneak in as a guard. 162 00:08:31,858 --> 00:08:35,395 They're having her meals prepared privately, so catering's out. 163 00:08:35,529 --> 00:08:40,167 And she's in a new uniform, so you can forget about laundry. 164 00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:43,503 - OK, she's in isolation. - Yeah. "For her safety 165 00:08:43,637 --> 00:08:46,606 and for the safety of the rest of the prison population." That's the quote. 166 00:08:46,740 --> 00:08:49,176 Yeah. And bullshit. Hey! 167 00:08:50,544 --> 00:08:51,945 OK, I'm thinking. 168 00:08:52,980 --> 00:08:56,083 Oh, I put cream on my wound last night and this morning. 169 00:08:56,216 --> 00:08:58,251 Oh, yeah, that's good. 170 00:08:59,419 --> 00:09:02,255 OK, I got it. You remember that skank from Bel Air, 171 00:09:02,389 --> 00:09:05,058 the one with the one hit song who killed her husband with the lawnmower? 172 00:09:05,192 --> 00:09:07,394 You got that great shot when you were on the rooftop from her coming 173 00:09:07,527 --> 00:09:09,262 out of isolation to general population. 174 00:09:09,396 --> 00:09:11,565 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Get in place. 175 00:09:11,698 --> 00:09:14,434 OK. Lucy? Are they going to move her? 176 00:09:15,268 --> 00:09:18,205 Someone get me the spokesperson for the jail on the line. 177 00:09:18,338 --> 00:09:20,173 Oh, they're moving her. 178 00:09:20,307 --> 00:09:22,743 They are definitely moving her. 179 00:09:25,212 --> 00:09:27,881 Spokesman for the jail for you on line two. Sam Greer. 180 00:09:28,015 --> 00:09:29,282 Thank you. 181 00:09:34,287 --> 00:09:37,791 Sam Greer. Hi, it's Lucy Spiller over at Dirt. 182 00:09:38,058 --> 00:09:39,860 Yes, my people came to me with a story 183 00:09:39,993 --> 00:09:42,796 and I wanted to give you the courtesy of a call before running it. 184 00:09:42,929 --> 00:09:44,264 Yeah, it's about the special treatment 185 00:09:44,398 --> 00:09:46,733 that Milan Carlton's getting in your jail. 186 00:09:46,867 --> 00:09:50,070 The personal chef, the fresh clothes, special cell. 187 00:09:50,203 --> 00:09:52,472 I hear she has an acupuncturist coming this afternoon. 188 00:09:53,740 --> 00:09:56,143 OK, well, that may be true, but the rest checks out. 189 00:09:56,276 --> 00:09:59,446 Yeah, I don't hear you denying the special cell. 190 00:10:00,514 --> 00:10:04,151 OK, great. Yeah, get back to me within the hour and I will hold the story. 191 00:10:04,450 --> 00:10:05,752 Thank you. 192 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:08,989 - Any progress? - Yeah. 193 00:10:09,122 --> 00:10:11,658 Milan's parents and grandparents have been major contributors 194 00:10:11,792 --> 00:10:16,263 to every major political campaign. Local, national, Republican, Democrat. 195 00:10:16,396 --> 00:10:17,564 Equal opportunity payola. 196 00:10:17,697 --> 00:10:21,301 Locally, they've supported the judges, the DA, the mayor. 197 00:10:21,435 --> 00:10:23,870 - Well, that will get her out. - Yeah, well, she's still in. 198 00:10:24,004 --> 00:10:26,506 Yeah, but you have to keep up appearances. 199 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,042 She did plead guilty once, violated her parole. 200 00:10:29,176 --> 00:10:31,344 It's hard to get out of that, even with political contacts. 201 00:10:31,478 --> 00:10:34,781 I guarantee you Milan will be sleeping in her own pink frilly bed tonight. 202 00:10:38,085 --> 00:10:41,521 - What, do you not trust my instincts? - No. Yeah, I do. 203 00:10:41,655 --> 00:10:44,458 - No, you don't. - No, trust me. I trust you. 204 00:10:45,559 --> 00:10:47,861 All right, how about this? 205 00:10:47,994 --> 00:10:51,565 I'll give you a hundred to one odds that Milan Carlton is home by midnight. 206 00:10:51,698 --> 00:10:52,999 - I'm sorry? - You heard me. 207 00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:56,103 Milan Carlton will not spend this night in jail. 208 00:10:58,939 --> 00:11:00,273 - Hey, Don. - A hundred to one? 209 00:11:00,407 --> 00:11:01,241 Hold on one second. 210 00:11:01,374 --> 00:11:03,343 You're saying that if I put up a hundred bucks... 211 00:11:03,477 --> 00:11:06,346 If she gets out by midnight, I take your hundred. 212 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,216 If she spends one second past midnight, I owe you ten grand. 213 00:11:09,349 --> 00:11:11,918 - Ten grand. - How about it? 214 00:11:12,052 --> 00:11:14,454 - Yeah. OK. - You need to learn a lesson. 215 00:11:15,322 --> 00:11:16,656 Hey. 216 00:11:17,357 --> 00:11:19,893 - Are you in place? - Almost. 217 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,096 - Are you alone? - Yeah. 218 00:11:23,230 --> 00:11:25,098 OK, good. I made the call. It should happen soon. 219 00:11:25,232 --> 00:11:26,533 OK. 220 00:11:29,503 --> 00:11:33,874 Milan Carlton is being moved out of an isolation cell in the tower 221 00:11:34,007 --> 00:11:36,376 and in with the jail's general population. 222 00:11:36,510 --> 00:11:39,813 This is in no way a reaction to public pressure. 223 00:11:39,946 --> 00:11:43,783 It's part of normal prisoner intake and processing procedure. 224 00:11:43,917 --> 00:11:47,020 Ms. Carlton is receiving no special treatment here. 225 00:11:47,154 --> 00:11:50,323 She is an ordinary inmate. That's the way she's going to be treated. 226 00:12:18,952 --> 00:12:20,287 Hi. 227 00:12:21,121 --> 00:12:22,756 Love you. 228 00:12:22,889 --> 00:12:24,925 Ladies and gentleman, Dirt has just obtained 229 00:12:25,058 --> 00:12:30,330 exclusive photos of Milan Carlton being transferred to general jail population. 230 00:12:30,463 --> 00:12:33,033 Farber, the bet's still on. She'll be out by midnight. 231 00:12:33,867 --> 00:12:36,469 And when she is, I want to know why. 232 00:12:42,075 --> 00:12:44,344 Dad, why are you eating spaghetti on the floor? 233 00:12:44,477 --> 00:12:47,447 I'm Petey the dog and this is my doggie bowl. 234 00:12:48,148 --> 00:12:50,050 It's another Jimmy Darby clip. 235 00:12:50,183 --> 00:12:53,286 It hit an hour ago. It's already in YouTube's top five. 236 00:12:53,553 --> 00:12:55,755 Wow. Makes me feel a lot better about my father. 237 00:12:55,889 --> 00:12:59,359 I'm not drunk! I'm totally freaking sober! 238 00:12:59,492 --> 00:13:01,528 - You're drunk, Dad. - I'm sober! 239 00:13:01,661 --> 00:13:04,664 This is nothing. At least he's not hitting anybody. 240 00:13:04,798 --> 00:13:06,132 Your father hit you? 241 00:13:09,336 --> 00:13:11,638 How pissed is Lucy going to be that I'm behind on this? 242 00:13:11,771 --> 00:13:14,774 Well, it hit an hour ago, we don't go to press for days, how are you behind? 243 00:13:14,908 --> 00:13:17,777 I just got a call from Darby's ex 244 00:13:17,911 --> 00:13:20,614 saying that she had absolutely nothing to do with leaking either tape. 245 00:13:20,747 --> 00:13:23,850 And then I got a call from her lawyer giving some not-too-subtle threats 246 00:13:23,984 --> 00:13:27,020 - if we implied that she did. - The ex-wife's the likely suspect. 247 00:13:27,153 --> 00:13:30,757 She's the one with something to gain. She can't sue for speculation. 248 00:13:30,890 --> 00:13:32,659 You don't know Lucy Spiller very well, do you? 249 00:13:32,792 --> 00:13:35,195 - Really. - You'll learn. 250 00:13:35,996 --> 00:13:39,499 - Hey, where are you going? - Back to school. 251 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,436 Thanks so much. It's always so hard to find your way 252 00:13:43,570 --> 00:13:45,272 around a new school the first week, you know? 253 00:13:45,405 --> 00:13:47,607 - Sure. - I hate moving, 254 00:13:47,741 --> 00:13:51,645 but my dad just got, like, indicted at his last job in Florida, 255 00:13:51,778 --> 00:13:54,247 so here we are. 256 00:13:54,381 --> 00:13:57,817 At least the press isn't camped outside our lawn anymore. That sucks. 257 00:13:57,951 --> 00:13:59,953 Totally. 258 00:14:00,086 --> 00:14:03,056 This girl in gym told me that you were Jimmy Darby's kid. 259 00:14:03,189 --> 00:14:04,457 So you, like, know, right? 260 00:14:04,591 --> 00:14:05,892 She knows enough to spot the difference 261 00:14:06,026 --> 00:14:08,161 between a new junior and an old reporter. 262 00:14:08,295 --> 00:14:09,763 - What? - I'm sorry? 263 00:14:09,896 --> 00:14:12,198 Don't say a word, Christa. She's a reporter. 264 00:14:12,332 --> 00:14:15,969 - I just transferred here. - From what? Early retirement? 265 00:14:16,102 --> 00:14:18,004 - You're like 30. - I'm 24! 266 00:14:18,138 --> 00:14:21,741 Whatever. I told you they'd be all over. Let's have her arrested. 267 00:14:21,875 --> 00:14:24,010 All right, look, I'm really sorry that I lied, 268 00:14:24,144 --> 00:14:27,614 but everybody is doing this story and nobody is getting Christa's side. 269 00:14:27,747 --> 00:14:33,286 - And you're here to do her that favor? - No, I'm just here to get a story. 270 00:14:33,420 --> 00:14:36,556 Look, all I'm saying is that you're caught in the middle. 271 00:14:36,690 --> 00:14:38,892 I mean, your mother's the one that leaked the tape, it's not your fault. 272 00:14:39,025 --> 00:14:41,194 - My mother didn't leak anything. - Oh, Christa, don't. 273 00:14:41,394 --> 00:14:43,463 No, I'm sick of it. I really am. 274 00:14:43,596 --> 00:14:46,800 We fired the maid, the handyman, the dog-walker, 275 00:14:46,933 --> 00:14:49,502 and, you know, I really, really liked our dog-walker. 276 00:14:49,636 --> 00:14:51,571 You people are the ones out there buying this stuff, 277 00:14:51,705 --> 00:14:55,508 tempting people to steal and sell. I didn't ask for this, OK? 278 00:14:56,242 --> 00:15:01,147 - I'm sorry. - No, you're not. It's a good story. 279 00:15:01,281 --> 00:15:03,283 You think it's easy growing up with screwed-up parents? 280 00:15:03,416 --> 00:15:05,618 Being the big online joke at school? 281 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:10,023 Please, just let me get to my class and leave me and my messed up family alone. 282 00:15:12,225 --> 00:15:14,260 - Got your quote? - Look, I didn't mean to... 283 00:15:14,394 --> 00:15:16,396 I don't know about the phone message, but the video, 284 00:15:16,529 --> 00:15:20,033 Christa just thought she could scare her dad straight or whatever. 285 00:15:20,166 --> 00:15:23,303 She borrowed my brother's camera and totally deleted everything 286 00:15:23,436 --> 00:15:26,706 before she gave it back. She never intended it to get out. 287 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:30,210 It was between her and her father. 288 00:15:31,077 --> 00:15:32,078 Period. 289 00:15:34,414 --> 00:15:35,415 Milan! 290 00:15:42,789 --> 00:15:44,624 Farber, you owe me a hundred bucks. 291 00:15:44,758 --> 00:15:48,061 - She's getting out? - "Undisclosed medical condition." 292 00:15:48,194 --> 00:15:50,330 More like "jail-o-phobia?" Pay up. 293 00:15:50,997 --> 00:15:52,432 You're seriously going to take my hundred bucks? 294 00:15:52,631 --> 00:15:54,534 Only if you don't hand it over willingly. 295 00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:56,336 Oh, come on, like you wouldn't take my ten grand. 296 00:15:56,501 --> 00:15:58,304 You know, I wasn't going to take your ten grand. 297 00:15:58,964 --> 00:16:02,242 You needed to learn a lesson. Trust my instincts. 298 00:16:02,450 --> 00:16:04,352 Best money you ever spent. Come on. 299 00:16:05,311 --> 00:16:06,546 Thank you. 300 00:16:08,515 --> 00:16:10,917 Look at her. All prim and proper. 301 00:16:11,050 --> 00:16:14,587 She went in looking like Betty Blow Job and out like Laura Bush. 302 00:16:14,721 --> 00:16:16,589 You think her mother styled her? 303 00:16:16,723 --> 00:16:19,225 No, she's just as retarded as she is. 304 00:16:19,459 --> 00:16:21,528 No, that's the work of a pro. 305 00:16:22,395 --> 00:16:24,531 Farber, find out who all went to see her in jail. 306 00:16:24,664 --> 00:16:26,856 I find out who styled her, can I win back my hundred? 307 00:16:26,991 --> 00:16:28,459 No. 308 00:16:29,936 --> 00:16:33,206 Wow, nice knee socks. Have anything? 309 00:16:33,339 --> 00:16:35,708 I got a great quote from the daughter, maybe something from the friend. 310 00:16:35,842 --> 00:16:37,744 OK, I want to know who released the tapes and why. 311 00:16:37,877 --> 00:16:40,647 - Yeah, I might have a lead. - Have it by recess. 312 00:16:43,616 --> 00:16:44,784 Do I look 30? 313 00:16:45,985 --> 00:16:48,822 Not in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform, you don't. 314 00:16:48,955 --> 00:16:50,957 - Wait, do you want to? - What? 315 00:17:08,241 --> 00:17:10,210 I thought we weren't talking. 316 00:17:10,343 --> 00:17:13,446 We're not. I'm just calling to congratulate you. 317 00:17:15,014 --> 00:17:16,649 What, is this an interview? 318 00:17:16,783 --> 00:17:18,918 Milan Carlton's pretty much taking over the whole issue. 319 00:17:19,052 --> 00:17:20,920 Lucky you, I don't need a quote. 320 00:17:21,054 --> 00:17:22,989 But unfortunately, it also means that your 321 00:17:23,122 --> 00:17:25,725 PR play outside the club won't make it into print, 322 00:17:25,859 --> 00:17:27,527 which is really too bad because 323 00:17:27,660 --> 00:17:29,996 - that was well-played. - I didn't play anything. 324 00:17:31,130 --> 00:17:34,467 Come on, that wasn't a PR move. I just said what I felt, you know? 325 00:17:34,601 --> 00:17:35,869 OK... 326 00:17:37,670 --> 00:17:40,139 I wouldn't expect you to believe me, Lucy. 327 00:17:40,273 --> 00:17:41,508 Good. 328 00:17:49,849 --> 00:17:53,319 Look, you know, one thing I've learned. 329 00:17:55,021 --> 00:17:58,157 The more energy you put into being angry with others, 330 00:17:58,291 --> 00:18:00,093 the less you have to face yourself, so... 331 00:18:00,226 --> 00:18:04,197 - Are you going to therapy now? - Maybe. 332 00:18:06,866 --> 00:18:09,235 Well, let's just hope you can trust them. 333 00:18:11,771 --> 00:18:13,973 Well, look, I got to catch a flight. 334 00:18:14,207 --> 00:18:16,976 OK. Have a great trip. 335 00:18:17,110 --> 00:18:18,578 You, too. 336 00:18:19,178 --> 00:18:23,283 I mean... thank you. 337 00:18:24,384 --> 00:18:25,652 Bye. 338 00:18:29,923 --> 00:18:33,393 Hi. How long have you been standing there? 339 00:18:34,827 --> 00:18:39,432 I brought you the pictures of Milan in jail. Also her getting out. 340 00:18:40,667 --> 00:18:42,902 - It's been quite a day. - Yeah. 341 00:18:43,736 --> 00:18:45,405 How's Holt? 342 00:18:45,538 --> 00:18:47,373 On the phone, just now. 343 00:18:47,907 --> 00:18:49,576 How do you know I was talking to Holt? 344 00:18:49,709 --> 00:18:51,010 Body language. 345 00:18:51,611 --> 00:18:54,447 My body language says I'm talking to Holt? Right now? 346 00:18:54,581 --> 00:18:56,249 Before. On the phone. 347 00:18:56,382 --> 00:18:59,485 Now, it just says you don't know where to put your elbows. 348 00:18:59,619 --> 00:19:02,388 Well, they're attached to my forearms, let's not read too much into it. 349 00:19:02,522 --> 00:19:05,491 OK, but if you don't want people to know about you two... 350 00:19:05,625 --> 00:19:06,926 ...don't do that when you're talking to him. 351 00:19:07,060 --> 00:19:08,628 Don't do what? 352 00:19:08,761 --> 00:19:12,098 What? Don, I wasn't doing anything. OK, I was not doing that. 353 00:19:12,206 --> 00:19:13,924 OK, now I don't know what to do with my forearms! 354 00:19:14,074 --> 00:19:15,749 - Sorry. - OK, is this all you have of her 355 00:19:15,849 --> 00:19:17,971 - coming out of jail? - Yeah. 356 00:19:18,204 --> 00:19:22,075 - She looks like Mother Teresa. - It's the outfit. Light blue and white. 357 00:19:22,208 --> 00:19:25,645 Like Mother Teresa. All right, get them to Art. 358 00:19:25,778 --> 00:19:27,413 OK. 359 00:19:34,354 --> 00:19:37,156 Even the network news is recycling the Milan story. 360 00:19:37,290 --> 00:19:39,325 So much for covering the bombings in Iraq. 361 00:19:39,459 --> 00:19:40,460 - Hey, Farber! - Yeah. 362 00:19:40,593 --> 00:19:43,129 Is she going back to jail or not? Want to lay odds? 363 00:19:43,262 --> 00:19:44,597 I don't know. 364 00:19:44,731 --> 00:19:46,966 You're smart, you're learning. Visitors? 365 00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:50,470 Yeah, her mother and her lawyers. No red flags. But I'm still working on it. 366 00:19:50,603 --> 00:19:52,639 All right, find something good, they might just have to have her back. 367 00:19:52,772 --> 00:19:56,275 Hey, Lucy, we got Milan Carlton on line three. 368 00:19:56,409 --> 00:19:57,910 - Her publicist? - Her. 369 00:19:58,044 --> 00:20:02,815 She said she wants to speak to you directly. Yeah. 370 00:20:05,952 --> 00:20:07,887 Thank you for taking my call. 371 00:20:08,021 --> 00:20:10,923 Always happy to talk to one of our biggest sellers. 372 00:20:11,057 --> 00:20:13,493 All that circulation and I don't make anything out of it. 373 00:20:13,660 --> 00:20:16,629 - Something tells me you do OK. - Not this week. 374 00:20:16,763 --> 00:20:18,865 There's a few things I'd like to clear up 375 00:20:18,998 --> 00:20:22,468 and I was thinking about doing an interview with your magazine. 376 00:20:22,602 --> 00:20:24,804 - Of course. - I'd like to meet you in person. 377 00:20:24,937 --> 00:20:26,205 Can we arrange that? 378 00:20:26,339 --> 00:20:30,476 I wish I could come to you, but I'm kind of under a bit of house arrest here. 379 00:20:30,610 --> 00:20:34,414 - I'll come to you. - Fab-o. 380 00:20:34,547 --> 00:20:37,884 I'll have my guy call your guy, OK? Ciao. 381 00:20:40,353 --> 00:20:41,621 Fab-o. 382 00:21:31,204 --> 00:21:34,140 Lucy Spiller, thank you so much for coming. 383 00:21:34,273 --> 00:21:36,642 Can Mariella get you something to drink? Fuzzy water? 384 00:21:36,776 --> 00:21:37,910 Oh, I'm good. 385 00:21:38,044 --> 00:21:39,746 Bring her some fuzzy water. Lemon or lime? 386 00:21:40,980 --> 00:21:44,383 Bring her both. You remember my boyfriend, Ian? 387 00:21:44,517 --> 00:21:47,587 Hi. Right, I know your work. 388 00:21:48,321 --> 00:21:51,190 Sit. I'm sorry that we have to meet in here. 389 00:21:51,324 --> 00:21:53,593 I can't use my outdoor pool anymore because of the paps. 390 00:21:53,793 --> 00:21:55,394 Oh, how awful. 391 00:21:56,229 --> 00:21:59,165 I know, I know, poor little rich girl. 392 00:21:59,298 --> 00:22:01,601 But you know, everything I have, I've earned. 393 00:22:01,734 --> 00:22:04,537 Yeah, well, somehow I doubt the catalogue shoots 394 00:22:04,670 --> 00:22:06,973 and reality show paid for all this. 395 00:22:07,106 --> 00:22:10,443 - Well, I also have a recording deal. - Oh, right. 396 00:22:12,078 --> 00:22:13,846 Why are we talking about this? It's not why you're here. 397 00:22:13,980 --> 00:22:16,616 - Why am I here? - Everyone knows that Dirt hates me. 398 00:22:16,749 --> 00:22:20,086 The articles about my weight, my feud with Meggie, 399 00:22:20,219 --> 00:22:21,788 that you think I'm stupid, the DUI... 400 00:22:21,988 --> 00:22:24,624 We never said anything about your weight. 401 00:22:25,992 --> 00:22:28,795 The point is you hate me. It's fine. 402 00:22:29,428 --> 00:22:31,697 That's why I want you to have the interview. 403 00:22:32,799 --> 00:22:35,468 Because everybody will believe it. 404 00:22:35,635 --> 00:22:37,336 It won't feel like spin. 405 00:22:37,470 --> 00:22:39,405 So I'm here to give you credibility. 406 00:22:39,539 --> 00:22:43,743 Well, that and score the hottest celebrity interview of the decade. 407 00:22:43,876 --> 00:22:45,311 - The big scoop? - Yeah? 408 00:22:45,444 --> 00:22:47,246 My medical condition. 409 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,215 I'm pregnant. 410 00:22:50,583 --> 00:22:53,586 - We're having a baby. - Congratulations. 411 00:22:53,719 --> 00:22:56,155 But why does that mean you can't be in jail? 412 00:22:56,289 --> 00:22:59,392 Is the county going to release all pregnant women from jail? 413 00:22:59,525 --> 00:23:03,262 Because I have a condition. It's called hyper-ami... 414 00:23:03,396 --> 00:23:06,666 Hyperemesis. It's real. They had to let her out. 415 00:23:06,833 --> 00:23:08,634 For the welfare of our unborn child. 416 00:23:08,768 --> 00:23:13,005 Who has already totally changed both our lives. 417 00:23:14,674 --> 00:23:16,309 We don't have to bother with all the details here. 418 00:23:16,442 --> 00:23:19,412 I've made your job very easy. Here's the entire interview. 419 00:23:19,545 --> 00:23:22,448 Questions, answers and I had it typed up. 420 00:23:22,582 --> 00:23:27,053 It's free, it's exclusive, and your job is completely done. 421 00:23:27,186 --> 00:23:30,022 Obviously, a huge story for you. 422 00:23:30,156 --> 00:23:31,123 You're welcome. 423 00:23:31,257 --> 00:23:33,793 "Hyperemesis." Isn't that basically morning sickness? 424 00:23:33,926 --> 00:23:37,897 Hey, women die from it every year. The baby was at risk. 425 00:23:38,064 --> 00:23:39,932 We had to protect the welfare... 426 00:23:40,066 --> 00:23:44,237 Welfare of our unborn child. We have a doctor's note. 427 00:23:44,370 --> 00:23:46,706 Oh, a celebrity who has a doctor's note? 428 00:23:46,873 --> 00:23:49,108 I'm offering you a major interview here. 429 00:23:49,242 --> 00:23:50,943 You're offering me a hand-job. 430 00:23:51,077 --> 00:23:52,979 This isn't an interview, it's a press release. 431 00:23:53,112 --> 00:23:56,182 Do you want to do an interview? Let's talk, 432 00:23:56,315 --> 00:23:59,485 because I'm not going to publish some PR person's Q&A. 433 00:24:02,922 --> 00:24:05,424 You know, when I was in high school, 434 00:24:05,558 --> 00:24:08,361 I used to drive by the gates of your parents' house. 435 00:24:08,494 --> 00:24:11,364 It was so huge. 436 00:24:11,497 --> 00:24:14,867 I used to think whoever lives inside, they must have anything they want. 437 00:24:15,001 --> 00:24:16,669 They can be anything they want. 438 00:24:16,802 --> 00:24:20,506 What did you choose to be? A celebutante? 439 00:24:21,107 --> 00:24:22,975 I worked my ass off to become a star. 440 00:24:24,944 --> 00:24:27,179 You're not a singer, you're not an actress, 441 00:24:27,313 --> 00:24:28,848 you've never worked a day in your life. 442 00:24:28,981 --> 00:24:31,517 You're a little spoiled brat who goes clubbing. 443 00:24:31,651 --> 00:24:32,685 That's all you've ever achieved. 444 00:24:32,818 --> 00:24:36,489 Oh, that and going up an off-ramp after having one too many chocolatinis. 445 00:24:36,989 --> 00:24:39,191 You think I'm just some party girl? 446 00:24:39,325 --> 00:24:42,261 I am a brand. I created a brand. 447 00:24:42,395 --> 00:24:44,497 You think I'm nothing? OK. 448 00:24:44,630 --> 00:24:47,667 Think about how hard it is to turn "nothing" into a major brand: 449 00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,036 A clothing line, fragrances, makeup. 450 00:24:50,169 --> 00:24:51,904 You can call me a slut or a whore, anything else, 451 00:24:52,038 --> 00:24:54,674 but never say I don't work hard for what I have. 452 00:24:55,908 --> 00:24:57,009 Now, there's a quote. 453 00:25:00,212 --> 00:25:04,050 I'll just say that you admitted you hate me and that you're biased. 454 00:25:04,850 --> 00:25:07,653 You don't want my Q&A, fine. I'll go to Icon. 455 00:25:08,487 --> 00:25:11,557 Do what you want. I already have my story. 456 00:25:20,900 --> 00:25:23,502 You bought a used video camera for $2,000? 457 00:25:23,636 --> 00:25:24,837 Well, it's digital. 458 00:25:26,072 --> 00:25:28,040 No, this isn't just any video camera. 459 00:25:28,174 --> 00:25:32,378 This is Christa Darby's best friend's brother's video camera. 460 00:25:32,511 --> 00:25:34,246 The one she shot her father's drunk tape on. 461 00:25:34,380 --> 00:25:37,850 The kid was 12. You should have seen his face when I gave him the cash. 462 00:25:37,984 --> 00:25:40,419 Well, I thought you said she deleted everything before she gave it back. 463 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:45,624 Oh, dear, sweet, geek-boy, you have so much to learn. 464 00:25:45,758 --> 00:25:48,494 Video camera hard drives are just like computer hard drives. 465 00:25:48,627 --> 00:25:52,031 You can erase them, but the data's still locked in the code. 466 00:25:52,164 --> 00:25:56,969 - And you know how to get that? - Well, no. But Varsha in IT did. 467 00:25:57,103 --> 00:26:00,072 It seems that little Christa did some editing. 468 00:26:00,206 --> 00:26:02,341 Check out the original footage. 469 00:26:04,643 --> 00:26:06,145 Wait, do Petey. Pretend to be Petey. 470 00:26:06,278 --> 00:26:08,214 OK. OK. 471 00:26:08,347 --> 00:26:11,650 I'm Petey the dog and this is my dog bowl. 472 00:26:14,387 --> 00:26:15,755 Do the drunk guy, Dad, do the drunk guy. 473 00:26:15,888 --> 00:26:17,323 OK. 474 00:26:18,090 --> 00:26:20,693 I'm not drunk! I'm totally freaking sober! 475 00:26:20,826 --> 00:26:23,763 Holy shit. He wasn't drunk. 476 00:26:23,896 --> 00:26:26,332 Well, not as much as he seemed, anyway. 477 00:26:26,465 --> 00:26:31,604 The key to playing a drunk is you got to try really, really hard to act sober. 478 00:26:32,371 --> 00:26:35,307 It was the daughter? Why? 479 00:26:35,441 --> 00:26:37,109 Well, do you remember that quote she gave me 480 00:26:37,243 --> 00:26:38,878 when I was interviewing her at school? 481 00:26:40,346 --> 00:26:42,748 "Do you think it's easy growing up with parents this screwed up?" 482 00:26:42,882 --> 00:26:45,918 She seemed so upset, but the quote was perfect, 483 00:26:46,052 --> 00:26:47,753 she knew that I would bite at it. 484 00:26:48,754 --> 00:26:50,456 Check this out. This is the reality show 485 00:26:50,589 --> 00:26:52,725 that Christa Darby pitched six months ago. 486 00:26:52,858 --> 00:26:54,994 It's all about her life as a sitcom star's daughter. 487 00:26:55,127 --> 00:26:56,128 But nobody was interested. 488 00:26:56,262 --> 00:26:58,264 And one exec said that she didn't have a hook. 489 00:26:59,198 --> 00:27:01,467 So now that she's famous, she's trying to re-sell the show? 490 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,470 Oh no, even better. This time it's Parent 911. 491 00:27:04,603 --> 00:27:07,473 It's genius. She's going to help kids with problem parents. 492 00:27:07,606 --> 00:27:10,543 Yep, live on the air. Secret deal's already in the works, 493 00:27:10,676 --> 00:27:12,044 they're going to announce it any day now. 494 00:27:12,178 --> 00:27:13,612 Making a brand out of nothing. 495 00:27:13,746 --> 00:27:17,950 Hey, Lucy, sorry, Milan's interview is on. 496 00:27:19,118 --> 00:27:22,088 I clearly was not OK to drive that night. 497 00:27:23,122 --> 00:27:25,758 I just thank God that I didn't hurt anyone. 498 00:27:25,891 --> 00:27:29,662 Some people might find it hard to believe that God has become 499 00:27:29,795 --> 00:27:31,564 an important part of your life. 500 00:27:35,134 --> 00:27:36,872 I did a lot of stupid things when I was young. 501 00:27:37,005 --> 00:27:38,774 What, like last week? 502 00:27:38,907 --> 00:27:40,876 Ian has taught me about the Bible. 503 00:27:41,009 --> 00:27:43,111 - That whatever other people think... - Oh, my God. 504 00:27:43,245 --> 00:27:44,947 She's got him dressed like a banker. 505 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,516 God has blessed us with a child. 506 00:27:49,585 --> 00:27:52,621 - It's time to grow up. - Great. We can go with how 507 00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:55,123 she tried to sell this same crap to you. 508 00:27:56,358 --> 00:27:59,027 Those are words. We're in a world of images. 509 00:27:59,161 --> 00:28:02,931 And right now the image is of Milan in her Mother Teresa colors 510 00:28:03,065 --> 00:28:05,100 praising God to Tami G. 511 00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:10,472 I want to meet with Jimmy Darby tonight. My house. 512 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:13,709 OK. 513 00:28:22,384 --> 00:28:25,754 See, the key to playing a drunk 514 00:28:25,887 --> 00:28:29,725 is you got to try really, really hard to act sober. 515 00:28:29,858 --> 00:28:32,728 That's the key. All right. 516 00:28:33,295 --> 00:28:35,397 Why didn't you just come out with the truth? 517 00:28:35,530 --> 00:28:39,601 She's not wrong. I was drinking that night. 518 00:28:39,768 --> 00:28:43,572 Your daughter dubbed lines to make it look like you thought you were a dog. 519 00:28:43,705 --> 00:28:45,240 That doesn't bother you? 520 00:28:45,374 --> 00:28:47,809 Did you hear that horrible voicemail I left her? 521 00:28:47,943 --> 00:28:50,479 Don't you think I deserved some bad press? 522 00:28:50,612 --> 00:28:53,248 And she needed some good press... to sell her show. 523 00:28:53,382 --> 00:28:55,784 Wait a minute, you're talking about my kid... 524 00:28:55,917 --> 00:28:59,054 ...who stepped on your head to get what she wants. 525 00:29:01,590 --> 00:29:05,260 Listen, I haven't been a great father. 526 00:29:06,995 --> 00:29:10,098 - You don't have kids, do you? - No. 527 00:29:10,232 --> 00:29:11,900 Do you want them? 528 00:29:14,369 --> 00:29:16,838 OK, we're not here to talk about me, are we? 529 00:29:16,972 --> 00:29:18,707 I guess not. 530 00:29:19,574 --> 00:29:21,410 Listen, I'm not evil, 531 00:29:21,543 --> 00:29:24,846 but I wasn't there enough for her. 532 00:29:24,980 --> 00:29:27,582 And I do drink sometimes, and I get real pissed off, 533 00:29:27,716 --> 00:29:29,361 and I break shit. 534 00:29:29,536 --> 00:29:32,661 So if my kid wants to make a show that helps other kids deal 535 00:29:32,811 --> 00:29:36,458 with their crazy families, then I think it's a good thing. 536 00:29:36,591 --> 00:29:38,927 - Even if it's based on a lie? - Well, it won't be a lie, 537 00:29:39,061 --> 00:29:42,164 because I'm gonna tell everybody it was my idea to do that, OK? 538 00:29:42,297 --> 00:29:44,499 That I told her to do it, that I made her do it. 539 00:29:44,633 --> 00:29:46,435 - That will never sell. - It's my daughter. 540 00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:50,505 She's 15, and she... 541 00:29:50,639 --> 00:29:53,508 She might have something here, you know? 542 00:29:53,642 --> 00:29:54,943 It's her shot. 543 00:29:56,011 --> 00:29:59,214 Don't you think that maybe you and I could work out something else? 544 00:29:59,348 --> 00:30:03,177 Why don't you just keep hammering me? I mean, I'm an asshole. 545 00:30:03,485 --> 00:30:06,902 I'm a terrible father. Just keep roasting me. 546 00:30:07,756 --> 00:30:10,826 I just need for you to promise that you'll leave her alone. 547 00:30:14,696 --> 00:30:17,966 If you give me a bigger story, I will bury this one. 548 00:30:18,100 --> 00:30:19,534 OK. 549 00:30:20,969 --> 00:30:23,071 Milan Carlton. 550 00:30:24,539 --> 00:30:26,308 She was a guest star on your show, right? 551 00:30:26,441 --> 00:30:28,443 The holiday special? Right? 552 00:30:28,577 --> 00:30:30,545 OK, I want you to call her up. 553 00:30:30,679 --> 00:30:33,482 And I want you to tell her that you're having a really hard time 554 00:30:33,615 --> 00:30:36,485 with all this bad press you're getting, and it's just gonna get worse. 555 00:30:36,618 --> 00:30:40,021 And you the name of her crisis PR person. 556 00:30:40,155 --> 00:30:43,024 Not her regular guy, her specialist. 557 00:30:43,692 --> 00:30:46,661 OK. I'll call her, 558 00:30:46,795 --> 00:30:48,597 and I'll get his name. 559 00:30:48,730 --> 00:30:52,334 But I gotta tell you, there's no way in hell 560 00:30:52,467 --> 00:30:56,471 her crisis PR manager is gonna go on record with you. 561 00:30:57,339 --> 00:31:00,208 It's OK. I just need his name. 562 00:31:00,849 --> 00:31:01,977 Done. 563 00:31:08,316 --> 00:31:12,621 We know Milan is using a crisis PR guru named Dillon Frawley. 564 00:31:12,754 --> 00:31:16,858 Obviously, he's not going to talk. You need to find a way to get inside. 565 00:31:52,727 --> 00:31:54,329 What are you looking at? 566 00:31:57,466 --> 00:31:59,734 Yeah, you should look away. 567 00:32:00,669 --> 00:32:01,937 You little rat, you. 568 00:32:08,677 --> 00:32:09,678 All right. 569 00:32:11,780 --> 00:32:14,416 You know what, let's talk about wardrobe and makeup later, because... 570 00:32:14,549 --> 00:32:18,186 I know how to dress Little Miss Priss, let's just go over the interview, OK? 571 00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:19,921 Fine. I'm Tami G. 572 00:32:20,055 --> 00:32:23,658 "Milan, you've already been convicted of one driving under the influence, 573 00:32:23,792 --> 00:32:27,762 now you've been arrested a second time. Why should you not go to jail?" 574 00:32:27,896 --> 00:32:29,364 We're not going to let her ask that! 575 00:32:29,498 --> 00:32:32,300 You want her to ask that. You want to answer the tough questions, 576 00:32:32,434 --> 00:32:35,570 or at least seem to, OK? So, "Why should you not go to jail?" 577 00:32:35,704 --> 00:32:38,273 Well, first of all, I only had one glass of wine 578 00:32:38,406 --> 00:32:40,575 and that on-ramp was barely marked. I mean, you could hardly see it... 579 00:32:40,709 --> 00:32:43,345 No, no. This is your answer. Watch. 580 00:32:44,212 --> 00:32:49,818 "I clearly was not OK to drive that night. I thank God nobody got hurt." 581 00:32:49,951 --> 00:32:52,821 - Yeah? - I'm going to thank God? 582 00:32:52,954 --> 00:32:55,624 - Screw God. - Honey, you can screw God off camera. 583 00:32:55,757 --> 00:32:59,060 But on camera, trust me, God is going to set you free. 584 00:32:59,861 --> 00:33:00,962 Listen to me. 585 00:33:01,096 --> 00:33:04,866 You hired me so that I can tell you how to get the public back on your side. 586 00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:08,904 It's a Christian nation. You want forgiveness? 587 00:33:09,037 --> 00:33:11,306 Admit you sins, turn it over to God. 588 00:33:17,145 --> 00:33:19,247 I clearly was not OK to drive that night. 589 00:33:22,284 --> 00:33:24,085 I just thank God I didn't hurt anyone. 590 00:33:24,219 --> 00:33:27,556 Nice, very nice. Now watch, OK... 591 00:33:30,592 --> 00:33:33,562 "Screw God." That's our cover. 592 00:33:35,797 --> 00:33:39,968 Lucy, the camera's hard drive, where did we get it? 593 00:33:40,101 --> 00:33:44,839 - Sorry? - Just, if anybody sues or whatever, 594 00:33:44,973 --> 00:33:47,576 you know, I'd rather not go to jail. 595 00:33:47,709 --> 00:33:51,880 - Don, I always look out for you. - I know. 596 00:33:52,948 --> 00:33:55,483 We got it from some disgruntled worker. 597 00:33:55,617 --> 00:34:00,422 Could be secretarial, could be cleaning crew. 598 00:34:00,555 --> 00:34:03,925 I'll cover you. Besides, we're printing the truth. 599 00:34:04,059 --> 00:34:06,528 They won't sue us, because it would just make them look worse. 600 00:34:06,661 --> 00:34:08,463 OK. 601 00:34:12,567 --> 00:34:15,724 You're doing good, Don. I'm proud of you. 602 00:34:16,605 --> 00:34:18,139 Thank you. 603 00:34:19,207 --> 00:34:23,011 I think I figured out why you hate Milan so much. 604 00:34:23,712 --> 00:34:24,879 She's you. 605 00:34:25,680 --> 00:34:27,449 I just gave you a really nice compliment. 606 00:34:27,582 --> 00:34:31,486 She's all of us. See, we're a nation of spoiled rich people. 607 00:34:31,620 --> 00:34:36,091 Milan's just so extreme that it makes us feel better by comparison. 608 00:34:36,224 --> 00:34:39,861 But really, she's just the part of ourselves we loathe. 609 00:34:40,962 --> 00:34:42,130 That's why we need her. 610 00:34:42,897 --> 00:34:45,700 Makes us feel better. That's her job. 611 00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:48,303 Well, she can't say the job doesn't pay well. 612 00:34:48,436 --> 00:34:49,704 I don't think it makes her happy. 613 00:34:50,572 --> 00:34:53,408 Well, if you think she's unhappy now, wait till she sees my next cover. 614 00:34:53,541 --> 00:34:55,944 Yeah. Lucy... 615 00:34:58,146 --> 00:35:02,050 Holt was on the PR guy's camera, too. 616 00:35:03,851 --> 00:35:06,326 - That little speech outside the club? - No, no, no. 617 00:35:06,988 --> 00:35:08,757 - Is it a story? - I didn't look. 618 00:35:08,890 --> 00:35:11,593 I saw that he was on there, I didn't watch. 619 00:35:11,726 --> 00:35:13,628 I figured it was up to you. 620 00:35:15,714 --> 00:35:18,299 - OK. Thanks. - All right? 621 00:35:18,383 --> 00:35:19,951 OK. 622 00:35:24,572 --> 00:35:26,441 - Good night. - Good night. 623 00:35:59,207 --> 00:36:02,277 You want to humanize, you know, you want to focus on the people. 624 00:36:02,410 --> 00:36:05,680 Julia was a real person with a family and a brother and... 625 00:36:05,814 --> 00:36:09,751 - She didn't have a brother. - Sister, right. You know what? 626 00:36:09,884 --> 00:36:12,020 Let's try it. Watch. 627 00:36:13,121 --> 00:36:17,392 "To you, Julia Mallory is a tabloid story, 628 00:36:17,525 --> 00:36:20,395 but she was also a real person with a mother 629 00:36:20,528 --> 00:36:22,697 and a father and a sister..." 630 00:36:28,002 --> 00:36:30,138 All right, Julia wasn't just a tabloid story... 631 00:36:30,271 --> 00:36:32,574 Nice, but open your arms. You want to be accessible. Open... 632 00:36:32,707 --> 00:36:34,309 - No, no. - What? No, just sit down. 633 00:36:34,442 --> 00:36:37,345 You know what? Forget it. This isn't working out, man. 634 00:36:37,479 --> 00:36:39,814 I know it's hard, it's awkward, but you gotta trust me. This works. 635 00:36:39,948 --> 00:36:42,283 You don't get it, because I don't give a shit. 636 00:36:44,085 --> 00:36:47,655 All right? Look, dude, I don't want to be molded. 637 00:36:47,789 --> 00:36:50,725 You know, I'm just gonna let the chips fall. 638 00:36:51,860 --> 00:36:54,629 Sorry for your time. I'll pay you. 639 00:37:05,039 --> 00:37:07,008 I wish you could've been there, buddy. 640 00:37:08,076 --> 00:37:11,679 Man, there were so many rats. You could've dined out for weeks. 641 00:37:16,851 --> 00:37:21,256 I miss having our little chats, man. I do. 642 00:37:23,992 --> 00:37:27,328 Please, please! I have something very important to say. 643 00:37:28,263 --> 00:37:31,966 I will be going to the Far East to do some charity work, 644 00:37:32,100 --> 00:37:35,103 which is the one thing that will keep me sane. 645 00:37:35,236 --> 00:37:37,806 With everything so negative here, 646 00:37:37,939 --> 00:37:40,642 I can do something positive there, 647 00:37:40,775 --> 00:37:43,044 where people aren't out to hurt you. 648 00:37:45,146 --> 00:37:46,748 Maybe they'll appreciate me. 649 00:37:48,249 --> 00:37:49,784 Thank you. 650 00:37:56,891 --> 00:38:00,762 Hi, I'm Christa Darby. Tune in to Parent 911, starting next month. 651 00:38:00,895 --> 00:38:03,164 I'll even have my own dad with me for my first show, 652 00:38:03,298 --> 00:38:05,233 and, well, we've had some issues, haven't we? 653 00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:08,736 We have? I don't recall. 654 00:38:11,206 --> 00:38:14,542 You know the irony? It was all true. 655 00:38:14,676 --> 00:38:17,345 I mean, everything he said on that first voicemail message. 656 00:38:18,646 --> 00:38:20,626 His daughter is selfish and hollow. 657 00:38:21,516 --> 00:38:23,718 Well, at least she came by it honestly. 658 00:38:25,486 --> 00:38:27,255 Do you want dinner? I was going to get some Chinese. 659 00:38:27,388 --> 00:38:30,558 - In LA? - Well, I know this place on Pico. 660 00:38:30,692 --> 00:38:31,693 Really? 661 00:38:37,065 --> 00:38:38,285 I can't. 662 00:38:39,033 --> 00:38:40,829 It's past ten, and... 663 00:38:41,569 --> 00:38:43,671 ...Liz will kill me if I go out to dinner with somebody else 664 00:38:43,805 --> 00:38:45,640 instead of coming straight home. 665 00:38:47,604 --> 00:38:52,513 I wasn't asking you out, Farber. I'm working late, ordering in. 666 00:38:53,381 --> 00:38:56,084 - I know. Sorry. - Well... 667 00:38:58,186 --> 00:39:00,099 Your girlfriend is one lucky woman. 668 00:39:00,455 --> 00:39:03,224 Thanks. I wish she would say that. 669 00:39:05,285 --> 00:39:06,958 I was being facetious. 670 00:39:28,516 --> 00:39:32,553 - Hello? - Hey. Hey, Lucy, were you sleeping? 671 00:39:32,687 --> 00:39:34,088 It's three in the morning. 672 00:39:34,222 --> 00:39:37,325 You're sleeping a lot better since you got stabbed. 673 00:39:37,458 --> 00:39:39,928 That almost makes it worth it, huh? 674 00:39:40,061 --> 00:39:41,362 It's good to sleep. 675 00:39:42,764 --> 00:39:44,766 And yet, you're calling at 3:00am. 676 00:39:44,899 --> 00:39:48,236 Well, Milan Carlton's on TV. I thought you ought to know. 677 00:39:52,140 --> 00:39:54,042 Thanks, honey. 678 00:40:01,015 --> 00:40:03,051 ...was stopped by authorities when she took time out 679 00:40:03,184 --> 00:40:06,220 from her Christian relief work to go topless on a beach in a nation 680 00:40:06,354 --> 00:40:09,657 where public nudity is illegal. When police went through her handbag, 681 00:40:09,791 --> 00:40:13,194 they found a gram of cocaine in the socialite's makeup compact. 682 00:40:13,328 --> 00:40:16,464 The country has a zero-tolerance policy for drugs 683 00:40:16,597 --> 00:40:19,300 and the penalty for possession of cocaine is death. 684 00:40:21,336 --> 00:40:23,004 Lucy, are they really going to execute her? 685 00:40:23,137 --> 00:40:24,939 I already mocked up a Milan-gets-the-needle cover. 686 00:40:25,073 --> 00:40:27,241 - Well, actually it would be a hanging. - Or firing squad. 687 00:40:27,375 --> 00:40:29,877 My cousin's with State Department. He said I can be at the embassy 688 00:40:30,011 --> 00:40:32,180 - when she's executed. - She's not gonna be executed! 689 00:40:32,313 --> 00:40:34,649 - She'll get off, like always. - Really? 690 00:40:35,917 --> 00:40:38,686 Well, maybe not like always. It is a small nation in the Far East, 691 00:40:38,820 --> 00:40:41,689 but she's Milan, they'll work something out. 692 00:40:43,825 --> 00:40:45,226 Do you want to bet? 693 00:40:46,527 --> 00:40:47,929 Good boy. 694 00:40:51,332 --> 00:40:53,801 The government has decided to be merciful on Ms. Carlton 695 00:40:53,935 --> 00:40:58,306 and release her from prison, after receiving three public lashes.