[Don] I'm Don Konkey, Dirt Now's schizophrenic photographer
and voiceover extraordinaire.
- Last week was a bitch... - [gunshots]
Get back! Get back!
...especially for Lucy's assistant, Kenny.
[all screaming]
Barrow and Willa seem to be getting along nicely.
Meet me in the supply closet in 20 minutes.
...really, really, really, really, really nicely.
[gasping] I've got 13 minutes.
[Don] Julia came home from rehab, but her mind seemed elsewhere.
Holt was happy to see her, but his mind seemed elsewhere, too.
- I need to be with you. - You mean inside of me?
- Yeah. - [Don] Julia's had it rough lately.
The sex tape of her and Johnny Gage is out there,
and she doesn't know who has it.
Who are you trying to protect, Holt?
That's Julia with her lesbian smack dealer, Garbo.
Since she left rehab, she doesn't do either anymore.
Well, at least they caught Lucy's stalker, right?
Right? [scoffs]
[downtempo electronic music plays]
[couple moaning]
♪ Kiss me on the floor ♪
♪ Your love like chloroform ♪
I love you, Holt.
I love you.
[Julia] Holt?
What? What's wrong, baby?
Babe, what happened?
You haven't made love to me like that in months.
I'm just, I'm wiped out, all right?
But you were so passionate. I was about to come.
Here...
All right, fine. I'll make myself come.
[moans]
♪ This artificial love ♪
♪ Artificial love ♪
[♪ Debby Holiday: Dig Deep]
♪ Dig in Dig deep ♪
♪ Deserve what you reap ♪
♪ Don't you know the truth will set you free? ♪
- [gunshot] - [Sammy] Move it!
- [Lucy] What is it you want? - I want respect! And I want it now!
[Sammy] Do you have any idea what it's like to lose the compass in your life?
We shouldn't have to work that hard for love.
The focus is me!
I'm here. Goddamn it! I'm still here!
[man] Hello.
Does it bother you that every time I look at you, I think of anthrax?
You should feel honored. After 9/11, you were one of the few non-politicians
to get the gift of class-five chemicals.
I'd rather have the fruit basket.
How are you?
- I'm fine. - [chuckles]
- What? - You're so full of shit.
Well, I've never been much of a navel-gazer.
You watched your assistant take a bullet to the head.
Your entire staff and your business were terrorized.
How did Sammy Winter get my personal number?
- How did he get into my car? - I'm still looking into it.
You know better than just about anybody how easy it is
to get into someone's life and steal their soul.
What we do has nothing to do with stalking or terrorizing people.
He's not a weirdo. Give him a call.
It's not just you. Your entire staff,
haven't you noticed they're pretty wrecked?
[techno music plays]
[coughs] Mmm. Yes!
Mmm, I was having such a lousy night until I met you guys.
- You're sweet. - [laughs]
I love your hair.
Oh, you do? Thank you. Yours is really pretty, too.
My natural color is the color of shit in a mud puddle.
"Roses have thorns and silver fountains mud."
"Clouds and eclipses stain both moon and sun,
and loathsome canker lives in sweetest bud."
- Hot. - The 35th Sonnet. It's the best one.
You guys know poetry? That's so awesome.
All I know is, "Here I sit, brokenhearted..."
[laughs]
- You wanna know what's really awesome? - What?
That tattoo on the small of your back.
It keeps going. Wanna see?
Mmm...
Shall we move this to a more private venue?
[rock music plays]
♪ Overdue, overdue ♪
Why do I get the feeling you've done this before? [laughs]
♪ Long ♪
♪ So long ♪
♪ Dark horse lets you want it You ride and you ride ♪
♪ You ride your way out of me Dark horse lets you want it ♪
♪ You ride and you ride and you ride your way out of me ♪
- I like walking with you. - Me too. With you.
- Mm-hm. - [Abby chuckles]
Oh, I can't.
See? That wasn't so bad.
You have really soft hands.
- What a dickhead. - What?
- Pussy boy. - I knew it.
- Knew what? - Aw, is little Donny scared? Little Donny Littledick?
Please, I don't like you! I like her!
Don, what's going on? I don't understand.
- Don't make fun of her. Please! - That's right, pussy, beg.
[growls]
Don! It's OK! Don!
Every single time! Every single time I have something!
A little bit of something for me, huh?
- OK, what do you got? - Celeb tragedies?
OK...
- Plastic surgery disasters? - No.
I think we can get an at-home sit-down with Julia Roberts, something classy.
People are cutting the magazine a lot of slack since the... thing.
I'm sorry, I think I just dozed off for a second.
Guys, OK. OK, come on, guys. We have to have some fun.
Ready?
[chuckling]
OK, we bag it and make it look like you have to see the inside.
It's our first annual. It has to be great.
It has to be startling. It has to be fun.
Come on. Sex. Celebrity. Scandal. Bring it!
- "Sex and the stars." - Oh, God, generic! No!
"Battle of the bulge," who's packing among leading men.
Wow, and while you're at it, see who's faking it.
- "Celebrity cameltoe." - Love it.
- "Celeb mooseknuckle." - [all exclaim]
Is that the male version for cameltoe?
- AKA "Man-gina." - AKA "Mameltoe."
- Oh! Gross! OK, Kitty Ryder. - We don't do porn stars.
She dated most of the Lakers, all of Motley Crue.
She's got her own clothing line, makeup and sex toys.
- She's worth millions. - Get it.
- Hollywood hookers. - High-class.
- Sex-toy parties! - Yes!
- Celeb parties. - Yes!
- Great movie orgasms. - Goddamn it, yes!
It's not bad.
You know, I like how you guys have to break into Los Alamos
and steal the plutonium.
- Yeah, it's cool, right? - Hmm.
And the girl's part's not bad. Is it cast?
Well, they want me to read some people.
Yo, do you mind? Come on, man.
Well, I should play it. I mean, I could play a "forensic futurist."
Quinn would probably shit.
He'd never want me to play fourth banana on an action flick, but...
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, for sure.
I could get my production company going while we work,
and we'd be working together.
Yeah.
I mean, they're, you know, they're talking to some people.
- Who? - I don't know, like, like Amanda Peet.
- Christ. - OK, look, I'll talk to Teddy
and we'll see if it's worth pursuing, you know?
Yeah. Thanks a lot, Mr. Hollywood.
Look, I know you're... what, rattled?
But, honey, you can't publish our magazine with a triple "X" on it.
- Our Wal-Mart rep actually cried. - Aw.
They won't stock the issue. That's 30 percent right off the top.
We'll make it up at the newsstand.
Look, I know what you're doing.
The sex issue, it's a great idea. I'm just saying lose the triple "X."
Oh, Brent Barrow, eroding your freedom of speech one "X" at a time.
- Spiller... - There's someone in your office.
Hi.
- How can I help you? - Nancy said that...
I am so disappointed.
I was expecting to see monsters,
some kind of, you know, demon with fangs and claws.
Can you please just tell me why you're...
But I walk in here and I see two regular people
I'd expect to meet in any regular setting, not the devil.
- Not the... We're certainly not the... - At least not to look at.
- I guess that makes it easier. - I don't like where this is going.
You should have thought of that before you took advantage of my daughter,
my virginal, 17-year-old daughter.
- Seventeen? - Oh, Daddy...
Maybe I should get someone from Legal in here.
No, that's not necessary right now.
I just wanted to look you two right in the eyes.
And that's it?
[chuckles] Well, you tell me. Is her virginity restored?
Is her innocence intact? Has she been un-raped?
Whoa, wait a minute!
Excuse me, she practically raped us!
- Willa... - Thank you. As I was saying,
as the father of a major international superstar,
I have been in legal quandaries before pertaining to Rebecca.
- Rebecca? - Banheart.
[chuckles] Banheart.
- You're Jimmy Ray Banheart. - That's right.
Rebecca Banheart is a major brand
with the pop career, with the reality show,
with the specials and the clothing, and I have the same plans for Dawni.
Or at least I did.
Why would they vanish because...
Because you and your friend used her, and you threw her away.
You think that's funny? Look at her! After this thing hits,
she will never be perceived as anything other than a little slut.
- Daddy! - I'm sorry, but that's the facts.
How can we rectify this?
When you're on the street begging instead of in the publisher's office.
If this never reached the legal system,
you and I could come to some kind of understanding.
An understanding? What are you trying to do?
Are you trying to bribe me from putting your ass in prison?
You trying to buy me? Do you have any idea
how much money I make managing Rebecca Banheart?
- It's not about money. This is about justice. - I didn't mean to suggest...
I just, you know, I thought what we do here might...
...help Dawni.
Oh, you're gonna give her a cover, and it's all good?
- Hey. - Lucy.
- What's wrong? - Oh...
Uh... Sh...
She wants to...
- Tell me. - ...to touch me.
What?
She wants to touch me. She wants to, um...
- I don't know if I can. - Who, Don?
Abby.
All right.
Hmm... Do you remember Lynette?
Your stepmother? I've met her.
She was closer to my age than my dad's.
- Oh, Don... - She was an actress.
She was in Boom Boom, All the Tigers, Full Catastrophe.
I think I made her feel younger. I was 14.
She called me Little Lover.
Sometimes I liked it.
Don, you know none of that is your fault, right?
No.
No, Lucy, I don't.
No, Quinn, no.
I don't think you understand the reality of the situation.
If Teddy Jick doesn't want to hire the star of a number-one sitcom, I...
Well, what if Holt threatened to walk?
Oh, my God, you have your head so far up his ass...
[sighs]
No, no. I'm sorry.
I know, please...
No, I am not gonna be the new host of Deal or No Deal.
Nothing. You know what, I have to go.
You know what? Let's just book it. OK.
Nothing.
My favorite co-star.
Hi, Johnny. Hey, Jeff.
Hey, Jules. What up?
Nothing, I... They're just trying to talk me into being
the female lead in Hard Charger, but I don't know.
- I thought that was Amanda Peet. - [stifled laughter]
What?
That is just a funny freaking name. "Amanda Peet."
- Amanda Peeeeet! - You guys are high.
- It helps the work. - You working?
Yeah.
We're writing a production draft of our movie.
You're doing a Jeff Stagliano film?
You gotta keep 'em guessing.
This thing's gonna make The Brown Bunny look like Barney.
We're talking full-frontal, hardcore-penetration,
non-linear, radical-polemic time.
- Boom. - Themes of death and loss and grief.
Tons of pussy.
Well, that sounds great.
Gonna be awesome.
We've never worked together, Jeff.
No, that's true.
You've been "Julia Mallory, America's sweetheart."
Yeah, well, I'm not really that anymore, am I?
So, what's the girl's part like?
Oh, my God!
That would be... Holy shit.
- [chuckles] - But... dude...
Right.
She's gotta be super young, for the shock value.
And then she can't be a star.
You can't see it coming when the thing happens.
Yeah, well, anyway, good luck with that.
Hey, I'm gonna try to find an actress to take our order.
- [stifled laughter] - Bye.
You look hot, Jules.
You raped me, you piece of shit.
- I what? - You raped me.
Is it rape when you beg me to do you harder?
So, wait, you two have been dating,
- screwing for some time now? - Yes.
And you took home a 17-year-old girl and had sex with her.
- Well, yes, but she didn't look... - Willa.
And she just happens to be Rebecca Banheart's little sister,
meaning her father is that nut job, Jimmy Ray Banheart.
- What does he want? - He wants me in jail.
- Mm-hmm? - But he'll settle for three covers.
Three?! Jesus. I've always been mystified by the whole Rebecca Banheart phenomenon.
What was the hook, how stupid she is?
Stupid is the new black.
I think it was the tomato that clinched it.
Well, somebody offered her a beefsteak tomato,
and she declined on account of being a vegetarian.
And you were captivated by her underage sister. Wow.
There are just so many levels here.
I know you love the torture, but really, our sex lives are of no business...
- Brent. - Yeah?
- Shut up. - Yeah.
I have nothing on him in the vault. We have to go out,
we have to get every piece of imaginable dirt on Jimmy Ray Banheart.
Cover the little songbirds while you're at it.
I don't care how seemingly banal it is. Just get it.
- Get medical, dental, whatever. - OK. I'm on my way.
If this goes public, it could do some real damage to this magazine.
This is your problem, both of you. You need to fix it.
- Oh, and Brent? - Yeah.
We are so doing the sex Issue.
Polybag. Triple "X."
Now jog in place.
Are you sure you're listening to my heart?
[woman] Oh! That's cold and hard!
Now open wide and say "ah."
[woman] Ahh...
[man] Cut! Great. Take five and back for the oral.
Mr. Hagopian?
No, I'm Johnson Long.
Your real name's Tim Hagopian, born Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, 1974.
Could you not announce my citizenship status?
- Sorry. - What's up?
Where's Kitty Ryder?
She was supposed to be starring opposite you.
I don't know. Before this, she never missed a day.
- Any idea where she is? - Why?
My boss wants to do a story about her.
Ahem. Nah. Good luck finding her.
There's 50 PAs driving all over looking for her right now.
Lucy wants the story.
Oh, I'm sorry, man. I gotta chub up for the oral.
- OK. - All right.
I hurt my back, and when I woke up,
it was like the world was over me.
I'm not over you.
Oh, God. I'm so not over you.
Every time the goddamn doorbell rings, I think it might be you.
I'm sorry.
I just disappeared.
Nah. You got clean. That's huge.
I hate it. I can't handle real.
I think you can.
Make love to me straight.
Don't get high. But don't go.
- Make love with me. - I need it.
- And then us. - Look.
This doesn't happen to me.
But I love you. I'm in love with you, Julia.
- Fix me. - No.
Please, please fix me. Please. I need the soft.
Then I'll make you come so good.
It's not... OK, you're not hearing me.
I am hearing you. I'm just choosing to ignore that part because...
I only love you when I'm high.
I don't love you. I love Holt.
Fix me.
- You're a goddamn user. - Please!
You use me, use my dope, then go back and use your boyfriend.
You are gonna die using. The people, the dope.
Just sell me a goddamn bag of tar.
It's on me. Get out.
[cell phone rings]
[Willa] Hey, Curtis. Willa.
- Hey, Will. - I need a favor.
I can't. I'm stepping into a meeting.
No, you're not. Look across the street.
Busted.
You know, this whole tabloid stalkerazzi thing is getting a little creepy.
- I actually do have drinks. - Just give me two minutes.
What's up? One of our artists banging a tranny?
Probably, but that's not why I'm here.
I need anything on the Banhearts, especially the father.
He was a faith healer in Alabama or something.
One day God spoke to him and said Rebecca's double Ds
were meant to be bouncing around in bad music videos.
That was it. He started managing them both, and in a year Rebecca
was on magazines, Stick It to Ya was on the charts.
The reality show was in the works.
- What about the mother? - They got divorced years ago.
I think she still gets a piece of the royalties or something.
[music playing in porn film]
[man] I sure hope I can score today.
Oh, you'll score. It's a sure thing.
[man] Oh, yeah...
[woman] Oh, yeah...
[man] Oh, yeah...
[Don] Kenny?
Don? Don, is that you?
It's me, Kenny. Can you, can you hear me?
Don, where am I? I don't like it.
- Please help me. - I'm sorry, Kenny.
Don, it's so lonely here.
- Come back, lover. - [Don] Lynette?
Please, Don, I don't feel safe.
Don? Donny? Is that you?
[baby talk] Little Lover?
Come here, Donny.
I've missed you so much.
Miss me?
- [knock on door] - [woman moaning]
[Abby] Don?
I brought cookies from work.
Finikia, the little Greek ones.
Abby, I'm really glad it's you.
I'm glad you're glad.
- Can I come in? - Yeah. OK.
[moaning continues]
- What are you doing? - Watching porn.
- It's for work. - Oh, really?
Kitty Ryder. She's the queen of porn.
Decided to quit. I have to take her picture.
- Why are you watching all her movies? - I think she's beautiful.
Oh, me too.
- Can I watch with you? - Sure.
Can I have a cookie?
[woman moaning on television]
I'm a decent astrologer. I'd like to do your chart.
When's your birthday?
- Tomorrow. - Tomorrow?
- Mmm. - Do you have plans?
I was gonna get a cake and let little Tristan lick some of the frosting off.
- Do you like cake? - I like cake.
I like it with whipped-cream... frosting on.
I like it with berries on.
One time, Lucy got a cake from Sweet Lady Jane.
I wanted to stick my face into it.
I wanted the whole thing to myself.
Let me bring the cake, Don.
OK.
[knocking on door]
It's the door.
Don, I need to talk to you.
- Oh, God. - Hello, Lucy.
Hello, Abby. I guess you're still real.
I am, thank you. And you?
I need to talk to Don for a minute.
I'll be in the kitchen.
Don, have you been following me?
Have you been taking my picture?
- No, was I supposed to? - No.
Did you take this picture?
No, Lucy, I would never take this picture.
I mean, the composition is bad, the light's terrible,
and it's pixilated, which means it's digital, and I don't like digital.
It looks like it's been taken by a security camera, a cheap one.
Probably a nanny cam or something from The Spy Store.
- I'm sorry. - Why?
- Do you understand what this is? - Yeah.
Do you like him?
Somebody's taking your picture, and you didn't know they were taking it.
Yes. Someone is trying to do something to scare me.
They're doing what we do.
Holt, look at me.
[video game beeps]
I'm sorry it didn't work out with Hard Charger.
I don't give a shit about Hard Charger.
I just went to Garbo's, and I scored some dope.
Oh, for Christ's sake, Julia!
- Look, there it is. - What are you doing?
That's the purest shit she's ever given me. Enough to put me in a coma.
What, so you're seeing her again?
No, no. I'm not seeing her. And I haven't touched the dope.
I'm seeing you.
I'm seeing the man I love in front of me disappearing into his stardom,
just the way I did.
Maybe you have to. Doesn't matter, it's not about that.
It's about whether the two of us are gonna make it.
Separately, together...
- Julia... - No, no, listen.
In my program, they talk about doing
a searching and fearless moral inventory.
And, oh, my God, I've been blowing it off
because do I not wanna look at all the ways that I have wronged people,
and I've sold my own self short. Everywhere I look,
I see someone I've hurt or someone who's hurt me,
and I know I've hurt you. I know I have.
And I know you were honest with me about the accident
and I just want to be honest with you
and see if there is some ground zero in this relationship.
I slept with Johnny Gage...
...and you saw it.
And my God, Holt, I can't...
I can't tell you how sick I've been about it,
how afraid I've been that you'd leave if I brought it up
or if it got out, what that would do to us.
I kept thinking if I just get high enough, maybe it would go away.
And it doesn't matter right now.
I was roofied or drugged with something.
But for all I know, I was just drunk and high,
and I slept with him because we were working together,
and isn't that just what we do?
We pretend until it crosses over
and suddenly we've wrecked our whole lives.
And we walk around playing make-believe,
never really thinking about what's gonna happen when we go off book.
[sighs] I'm sorry, Holt.
I am just so sorry.
Listen to me.
- I'm gonna get the sex tape back. - OK.
And then we're gonna start from scratch.
All right?
Brand-new. Right there.
Madam Editor.
The only thing more annoying than you being your authentic self,
- is you kissing my ass. - What a kind thought.
I'm worried that you're gonna turn this Jimmy Ray Banheart character down flat.
You really think that we should tank the magazine
and agree to do three covers on an underage slut who can't sing?
If her father can take us down, yes. Yeah.
You mean if the father can take you down.
If you didn't think this could damage the magazine,
- you wouldn't deal with him. - I'm not out of moves.
And so what, if he goes public, we'll just,
you know, dump it on you and fire your ass.
Are you really going to force me to be the one to remind you
that a few weeks ago I put myself between you and an armed gunman?
I will make you a promise.
This will be the last time that your dick takes up this much of my time.
[knock on door]
[Abby] Don, are you ready?
Hold on. Just a second.
Here you go, buddy.
- OK! - [Abby] Now close your eyes.
[door opens]
OK. Surprise!
- [giggles] - [gasps]
Wow, you really did bring cake.
I know the baker.
I thought the way you described your love of cake...
I thought maybe...
[Don] Oh...
Oh...
[cake squishing]
[laughing]
[laughs]
Oh...
I don't know. He seems creepy to me, but he's got no record.
He's got no DUIs, no big tax investigations,
never went all the way with his high-school sweetheart,
and he's a good manager. He got Rebecca signed and got her magazine covers
before she even had a publicist.
- Hollywood Digest. - Yeah. Three covers.
- Oh, God. [chuckles] - Holy shit.
- He pimped Rebecca out too. - Wow.
- Under which editor? - Ray Patterson.
Ray Patterson.
Want to ask my forgiveness for the way you treated me?
I thought I treated you well.
You climbed over my smoldering corpse to get a promotion.
Aw. Don't be a baby.
You told me you had feelings for me.
I didn't say which feelings.
So three covers on Rebecca Banheart
without even an album to tie them to.
You know how it is, Lucy. Sometimes you invent a cover girl.
- Your prom-girl murder. - Blackmail-the-horny-editor-
after-he-bangs-your- underage-daughter trick.
I think we're done, here, Lucy. As if we weren't already.
I have enough to run the story.
Run it. I'll deny it, they'll deny it.
It's a double amputee. No legs.
I know you don't trust me. I don't blame you.
Look, I'd walk over you again if I had the choice.
But they're doing the same thing to us.
I'm not asking you to confirm. I just want you to look at me.
Just tell me I'm wrong.
- I owe you one. - Yeah, right.
[camera shutter clicking]
[cell phone ringing]
Hello? Oh, yes, yes, thank you.
Yeah, I really appreciate it. You can fax it.
Thank you.
[Don] Kitty Ryder.
Did you get what you need?
Yup.
Um, excuse me, Kitty?
My real name's Megan.
I was wondering who it would be.
My name is Willa McPhearson. I'm writing a story for a magazine.
Do you mind if I talk to you for a sec?
- Of course. - OK. Can my friend take some photos?
Sure.
Can I ask you why you're leaving?
I mean, is it theobjectification or the humiliation?
[Megan chuckles]
Oh, gosh, you're all in knots, aren't you?
[chuckles] Yes. I am.
I didn't leave because it was so bad. I left because it was so good.
Too good, too much. That's all that was wrong with it.
How can you let go of desire when every desire you've ever had
is being met on an hourly basis?
I was attached to the sex and the money.
So I was attached to the grief I felt at the end of the day
when it wasn't enough.
If you want nothing,
you fear nothing.
You need nothing.
- Jimmy Ray. Deena. - Dawni.
Oh, right. But soon you're hoping the whole world will know your name,
after the big covers and all. Isn't that right?
Oh, I was thinking more about the name Lucy Spiller
being synonymous with statutory rape.
[Lucy chuckles]
Oh, I don't love being blackmailed by some snake-oil salesman
who pimps out both his underage girls to jump-start their careers.
Rebecca's got nothing to do with this.
Really? Because I think it would make a great cover.
Yeah. "Sleazy father blackmails to launch talentless star to power.
$100-million industry built on shameless lie."
The numbers would be so big.
- [laughs] - [laughs]
You wanna play?
- Mmm. - Cool. We'll play.
Let's see what this little story does to Dirt Now.
Oh, and CNN, they're gonna love Brent's perp walk through the lobby.
I can play chicken too.
Uh, sweetie?
You forgot your birth certificate.
What?
[Willa] Mommy faxed it over.
I think she might have been under the impression
I needed it to send her a royalty check.
- My bad. - Um, do you mind if I take a look?
Bitch is 19.
Yeah. You're still a pervert. You're just not a rapist.
And I'm still tempted to do that other cover.
[clears throat] But you won't?
As long as I have first look at anything Rebecca Banheart does.
And I mean anything.
- You see that? - Oh...
- She digs me. - Don't even.
[indistinct chatter]
Who let you in?
I'm a big movie star, remember?
[chuckles softly] That's right.
I want the sex tape back.
Close the door.
[door closes]
Go wait in the vault. I'll be done in just a minute.
Here's the original tape and the one copy.
That's it?
It's that easy, huh?
Mm-hmm. It's that easy.
Is this really the tape?
Do you want me to prove it to you?
[both moaning]
[moaning]
Oh, God...
Paid in full.
[soft rock music plays]
♪ Center small world not just who I like ♪
♪ 'Cause we went to bed so safe and sound ♪
[Don laughing]
♪ How hard to say good night ♪
♪ Big world about ♪
♪ Tell her my lies are black and white ♪
♪ Safe and sound ♪
♪ Which will hold and which will go down ♪