My name's Don Konkey.
I take pictures.
My best friend, Lucy Spiller, runs these two magazines.
I want those photos on my desk tonight.
- She works really hard. - Anything breaks, I'm reachable.
Guys, have fun.
This is Holt McLaren. He's a good actor, but he's not hot.
Screw you.
His girlfriend is Julia Mallory. She's a big star.
You just love me.
She's hot.
I'm Lucy Spiller, Now magazine.
- I'm a big fan. - Right.
Lucy got Holt to give her dirt on this superstar, Kira Klay.
Kira OD'ed.
What are you doing?!
When Holt found out, he crashed his car.
And now he's hot.
Wait, this is hard for me
because I have a tenuous grasp on what's real.
- Donny, Donny, Donny. - Hey, Donny!
I'm OK.
I'm a functional schizophrenic.
Lucy helps me...
...and I help her.
Don?
Don, listen to me.
Don?
Are you all right?
Yes, Lucy.
Are you sure? Do you want me to call Dr. Shalba?
No. I was just thinking.
OK. I need a shot of Kira Klay for the Dirt cover.
She's dead.
I know, Don.
I need you inside the funeral.
I'm gonna put you in a suit, a nice suit.
OK.
You're gonna blend in in a suit.
We have a guy on the inside.
He's got a shaved head and a pinstripe suit.
His name is Baby. You hand him your invite,
- tell him you're Kira's cousin, Dan. - I'm Kira's cousin, Dan.
Thanks for coming. Right this way.
- What? - What?
Something wrong?
Nah, nah, I'm good.
How are you feeling? You wanna get out of here?
No, I don't. I feel like we should stay.
I just feel like...
Hey, no, it's gonna be OK.
I still don't remember anything about the accident.
That car came out of nowhere, huh?
It's a blur.
I just miss her.
I know. I know, me too.
And I feel like everybody's staring at me.
Here, here.
You save my life and nurse me back to health.
Come on.
It was just... It was just...
Man, I was gonna be a daddy, and she was into it, man.
She was totally feeling it.
Yeah, she was awesome.
When she first moved here, we hooked up at a party.
Whew... awesome.
Julia looks wrecked, dude.
Well, she almost died.
Tragic times, bro.
I gotta take a piss.
Just get the shot of Kira.
I know you can do it. I know you can.
♪ Dig in, dig deep Deserve what you reap ♪
♪ Don't you know the truth will set you free ♪
We're in a war here.
It may be a war of the absurd, but it's a war just the same.
First there was Blair Marshall,
princess of pop without a hit in over a year.
Then there was Logan Hix,
struggling after the breakup of his boy band,
Straight Up Lovin'.
But when Blair met Logan, there was a media frenzy, Blogan.
- And now... - Hey, sugar tits!
- Is that bloat or a blump? -
Blump.
No couple has ever been so controlling
about their pregnancy
and baby pictures.
Clear a path, greaseball.
Why don't you hold her hand and give us a picture?
It started with their pregnancy announcement and a pap confrontation.
Make my day, or maybe they didn't teach you
how to throw a punch in boy band school.
Get out of my face, bitch!
I hope that girly punch was worth it!
You just bought me a first-class trip to Bali!
It's the perfect storm for a cover story.
This baby picture is what Wal-Mart mommy wants.
And it's gonna be the cover of Now.
I want some kick-ass cover lines by lunch.
I don't have time for pitches. I'm on my way to Dirt. See ya.
OK, let's see what you have.
I think we're close with the Kira Klay cover.
Now, the other magazines will run
a cover pretty much like this one.
But none of them will run one like this.
I have someone on the funeral photos.
What, is this too hard-core
for you Columbia J-school grads?
This isn't Tiger Beat. All right, what's out there today?
- Um, celebrity fat farms? - Do you have art?
More than you would ever want.
I'll put it down for five, two spreads and a single.
Keep the text tight. The photos should sell the story.
Tell Makeup to watch the adjacencies.
I don't want Duncan Hines or Betty Crocker ads
opposite the fatties.
I'm so sorry. Gibson Horne, his car just pulled up. Your office.
Terry, take over. I want some great cover tries
and the book on my desk in five minutes. Charge it.
The lady sneezed the entire week?
Why don't you have a seat, Brent.
- Hello, Gibson. - Hey.
Mm, how are you doing, sweet pea?
I'm good.
Are you sleeping?
Not so much.
Aw. You are a beauty.
You didn't show up to compliment me.
I wish I could say you were wrong. Please, have a seat.
Lucy, are you familiar with Tina Harrad?
Who disgraced her magazine by Photoshopping the cover?
No, the one who got her newsstand up
over 150 percent in less than a year.
She's got some very interesting ideas about our operation.
Are you talking about bringing her in under me?
Um, instead of you.
Brent's bringing me up to speed on numbers.
- Spending's out of control. - If you're talking about overhead...
Oh, I'm talking about overhead,
efficiencies, sell-through...
...being snubbed at the last five ASME Awards.
Screw the ASMEs.
They're a circle jerk for editors
to feel good about writing 5,000-word stories on Abu Ghraib.
The Dirt efficiencies are strong.
And Now is turning around.
Well, you're gonna make them for less money. Knock off 20 percent.
Come on, Gib...
Lucy, do not mistake fondness for weakness.
I will tolerate a lot of things.
But I will not tolerate someone losing my money.
We'll find a way.
No, you'll find a way,
or so help me, I will bury you.
Now, y'all have a nice day.
Damn.
I'm telling you, buddy...
...she opened her eyes. She looked at me.
She was beautiful.
No. No. No.
Oh, Lucy's not gonna like that, buddy.
She's not gonna like that at all.
- OK, everybody, listen up! - Swag pile!
Between the watches and the phones and the wrinkle creams
and the free spa vacations, there's about $20,000 worth of swag here.
Now needs help.
Anybody who can come up with a great exclusive on Blogan
gets to pick something from the pile.
- Nice! - Very cool.
Don!
Lucy?
Don! I've left you five messages. Open the door.
- Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm OK.
I need to see the Kira Klay shots.
- OK. - What?
- It's not ready. - The shots?
- My house. - I don't care about your house.
I will be sending over my housekeeper.
Uh, no! Everything's where it's supposed to be.
- OK. - I'm so sorry, Lucy.
It's OK. It's just... It's filthy.
I didn't get the shot.
What? Jesus, Don, this is not the goddamn day. What happened?
I was using the lapel camera, and when I got to her,
I switched to the ChapStick cam
because I wanted it to be perfect.
And it was. It was perfect.
There was a shaft of light from outside,
and she was beautiful, she was perfect.
And then, I guess there was a light leak.
I never had a light leak in a ChapStick camera!
I want that cover inset.
Do you know if she's being cremated or buried?
No, Lucy, please!
- I'm gonna make some calls. - She's not gonna like that.
- What? - Nothing.
Don, I really need your help.
We've got one more shot at this if we're lucky.
Lucy's under a lot of pressure.
OK, Don, sweetheart, would you look at me? OK?
This is just like when we were
in school on the paper, remember?
OK? We were the only ones who could write and shoot.
It's just like that.
It's just the two of us, and we can't fail.
I won't fail, Lucy. I won't.
OK.
- Mind if I cut in? -
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
Call security, and you don't make it home tonight.
I pull out a Sharpie, sign a sneaker,
and they'll load you in the trunk for me.
It's good to see you.
You look good.
I thought we had something special.
We did. We do.
- So special you set me up? - I wouldn't...
His name's Don.
He lives in East Hollywood.
I have his card.
- Hey, Lucy, I got something. - What?
Blair Marshall just made a seven-figure deal
to pose for Playboy two months after her due date.
Denise Richards was six.
Two months? That's impossible.
Uh, excuse me.
Elliott Green gets to pick something from the swag pile.
Swag pile.
- Way to go, man. - Good job.
Suck up! Of course it was Elliott.
Hey. Hey, what's my sweet little nephew doing tomorrow?
Brent, get out of my chair.
Oh, I did it. And you know something,
you should be kissing my ass just a little bit more
considering I probably just saved your job.
So after you threaten it, now you're gonna save it?
Oh, give me a break. I think we both know you want to stay here.
Let me see your little masterpiece.
Editorial's gonna take the biggest hit.
Well, it's already a wasteland.
Look at these bullshit numbers.
What, you're just gonna eliminate the fact-checking department?
How much crack are you smoking?
Know what I love about you? Besides, you know, nothing?
- It's that can-do attitude. - You know what you can do?
You can get out of my office.
I count a 23 percent reduction in overhead right there.
Twenty percent of which is in editorial.
This is like a cheap power grab.
I have two magazines to put out.
I love your proposal, by the way.
It's so colorful. Gib is gonna love it.
- Excuse me, Lucy. - Thank you.
Oh, she's like 23. She's way too old for you.
No, 23 is good.
I have told you guys a million times,
leave the packages at the door, don't ring.
It's Holt McLaren.
What are you doing here?
Well, you told me if I ever needed anything...
Well, you gave me your address.
You could've called.
Well, I didn't.
Can I talk to you? It'll just take a minute.
Mm-hm.
You look different.
I was almost asleep.
What's up?
I need a favor.
A favor. What kind of favor?
For Julia.
I wanna... I wanna do something nice for her.
She's wrecked.
She's on these painkillers. She can't sleep.
She doesn't remember what happened
with Kira and with the accident.
- I'm sure you filled her in. - Yeah, of course I did.
She lost her best friend.
So you want to do something nice and make it all better.
Come on, Lucy, don't give me your patronizing bullshit.
Look, please, I'm asking you for a favor.
Like a little piece in your magazine
to make her feel better,
just a little better for a minute.
Julia is a part of a whole feeding frenzy.
People only want to hear "poor Julia" stories.
So... so that's it?
It is if you don't stop the "I'm from West Virginia" thing.
I've invested too much time and energy in you.
You had this heroic moment.
The whole world sees you differently.
You are a star now. You have power.
All right.
Then demand things.
If you don't start using your power, you will lose it.
All right. So... so give Julia a story.
Do it.
Does Julia know Blair Marshall?
Yeah.
They were in Hell House together.
I need an extra 500 for the wait.
Mm-hm.
OK.
Just get the face. I don't want anyone
to be able to see the crematorium.
I... I'm really sorry, but I have to take your picture now.
Lucy needs it. Uh...
She has to compete in a very tough market.
She's a good person. She just has to compete.
I gotta help her because I'm the only one she has. And...
I can't fail.
I thought you were great in From Here to America
and Hell House and Made You Look and Unearthly September.
That one got five stars,
and your performance was "joyously transcendent,"
according to Elvis Mitchell of The New York Times.
All right. We gotta move this one.
OK.
It's been nice talking to you.
Bye.
Excuse me. Hi.
I couldn't help but overhear
you're in the childcare field?
That's right.
We just lost our wonderful person this week,
and I am just desperate.
You don't have an agency?
Oh, no. No, of course we do. It's just, you know,
we have to go through 100 interviews
before we can find someone who's...
- You know, who's discreet enough. - Oh?
Well, my husband is very prominent
in the entertainment industry.
Really? And who's that?
I'm... I'm so sorry. I can't tell you. Um...
You know how it is with security and everything.
It's crazy.
It can be so... so isolating sometimes.
I wish we could live a normal life.
Well, of course you do, dear.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't even know you.
Have a wipe, darling.
Now, you were saying...
Well, I just thought you might know who,
you know, the most discreet celebrity baby nurses might be.
There's just a handful, dear.
I know.
I was just talking to that wonderful nurse
who Blair and Logan were using,
and she was telling me that she had a friend
who might be available,
but I can't reach them, because they've gone into hiding.
Blair and Logan's baby nurse... You mean Gabriela.
Yes! Yes, yes, that's right! That's right, Gabriela.
Mm-hm.
Um, Lucy?
Hey, I got something on the baby nurse.
Yeah?
Name, number, rates, a little history, hometown,
immigration status.
Nice. You can pick something from the swag pile.
Oh, no, thanks.
"No, thanks"?
Well, it sounds kind of stupid, but I do it for the story.
Come here. Check this out.
What is it?
It's a still from the Altman film
where Blair played a pregnant runaway.
- Wow, she really looks pregnant. - Mm-hm.
She really does. So...
So she's not having a baby?
But she made a deal with People to take her first baby pictures.
Black market?
No. If she's too vain to carry a baby,
she's way too vain not to have a little Blogan.
Surrogate.
Find out where this pregnancy pad is,
and check into all of our fertility-clinic sources.
Willa, listen to me, if this gets out
in any way, they get on to us,
the whole story's over.
Whether she's carrying a baby or not, this girl's my next cover.
Do you understand?
- Yeah, yeah. - OK.
How's that sidebar coming?
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry. - No, it's OK.
OK. So there was a break-in last fall
at the Universal wardrobe house.
They claimed a couple pieces of costume jewelry and a clown suit
and three of the pregnancy prosthetics
built for Blair Marshall for the Altman film.
Let me guess, one for each trimester?
- You got it. - Oh, this is great.
OK, just keep following the story.
Don't leak a word, not even in-house.
Create a secret edit queue and file your stuff there.
I want only dummy text and gray space up on that wall.
- You know what really pisses me off? - What?
I was the first person to report this pregnancy.
And she played me. Oh, God, I really don't appreciate that.
- Stick around. - OK.
I'll want you to write copy
on a fashion piece we're doing on Julia Mallory.
It's a many-looks retrospective kind of thing.
She's gonna be sitting with you and one of our photo editors.
I thought we were sticking to the tragedy angle.
We're gonna go counter to that.
- See how that plays. - OK.
Holt! Hey, dude!
Hey.
Look at you, man. Lean and mean.
- What, are you here for a meeting? - Yeah.
- Which one? - Angry Inch.
- Right. Passed on it. - Of course you did.
Your teeth look really white.
Did you get veneers or something?
No. I gotta go.
I heard you got the Fincher movie. How's it going?
It's OK, thanks.
Yeah, I was up for that shit.
Thought it fell apart in the second act.
But when I sat down with Fincher,
I was like, "Holt McLaren could be really awesome
for this part," so who knows? Maybe I got you the part.
Listen, Johnny. You didn't get me the damn part.
I got the part.
I got the part because people want me.
You know, your shit's over.
You're the punchline to half a dozen jokes.
The only reason no one has told you
what a blight you are to humanity
is because you make $5 million a movie.
Dude!
What is your damage?
Oh, yeah, and I made 7 mil for Subliminal Velocity.
Enjoy it while it lasts, dude.
Say hi to Julia for me, will ya?
It's a pleasure to meet you, Gabriela.
I wanted to come here in person to tell you
I don't want anything from you.
I don't want to be famous,
and I am not interested in your magazine.
And I don't betray my clients.
OK, well, thanks anyway for coming in.
Is that it?
Um, yeah. Willa, you want to walk her out?
Oh, do you want your parking validated?
No, I didn't park in the...
If you'll remain loyal when you're getting paid half the going rate,
then there's nothing I can say.
What do you mean, "half the going rate"?
The TomKitten baby nurse? $95 an hour.
That's a 12-hour minimum, 24 when they travel,
and plus the confidentiality clause,
that's, uh... I don't know. You do the math.
- But they... they... - Kyle and Deb, 80.
And they're nowhere near the stars that Blair and Logan are.
They told me this was the top rate.
And yet you remain loyal. I think that's fantastic.
And what if I didn't?
Well, um... I know that you don't want to be a star.
But I also know that you're from Flora de Mayo
and that your mother and sister are there with other family.
How do you know...?
I'm a journalist.
And I know that you worry about them
and their standard of living.
And if I help you?
Well, there's a farm with some acreage and a very nice house
next to your mother that's for sale for about $200,000, U.S.
I think that if you help us,
that could be a very realistic goal.
The insiders are reporting that she's going
to induce at the superstar suite at Cedars.
They're all camped out there.
I don't think they're gonna go to Cedars.
No, I think there'll be too many unanswered questions there
due to the nature of the pregnancy.
Don't you think?
I think you are right. But they don't tell me the location.
When the baby comes, they will call,
and then they will send a car.
OK, well, why don't you let us worry about that.
All you need to do is take that baby to the window
for a shot of California sun.
You know how the babies get jaundice.
It's the house plus $100,000, U.S.
I want half the money up front, non-refundable,
and the other half if you get your picture.
Congratulations on your new home.
Here, I'll walk you out.
Hey.
Hey, I can't see the screen.
Sorry.
Babe?
Yeah.
I was thinking we should...
We should send something to Blair and Logan.
You know, some kind of baby gift.
I know, totally.
Where are they having the baby? I should get the address.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Yes! Level five!
- What? - The address.
Oh, you have to call her mom
because they're hiding out there until it's time.
It's in my book. It's under "BM Mom."
Cool.
Hey.
- I love you. - I love you.
I love you.
- Was that...? - It was great.
- But you didn't... - No.
Nothing?
No, no, no, I didn't say "nothing." No.
No. I just didn't come.
Sorry.
No, it was nice.
Maybe you could give me some direction.
I could draw you a map. It's not gonna happen.
Wow.
Listen, it's not you, OK?
I just... I have better luck alone.
Oh, so... a vibrator?
Mm-hm.
You know, they say you can get, like, desensitized.
Yeah. Well, maybe I was never sensitized to begin with.
What about, um...?
Did you...? Did you come the last time?
So, what am I doing here?
I had a really nice time.
There's that word again, "nice."
And "had."
So does that mean it's over?
I do have a lot of work to do.
So essentially, I'm a booty call.
Well... yeah.
You know, I don't know why I'm having such a problem with that.
Know how many times I've wanted a chick
to turn into a sandwich when I was done?
I'm a rock musician. Booty calls are my stock-in-trade.
Well, then, if anybody understands, then...
Right, right. I'll just grab my stuff.
Yeah, right.
I make pancakes from scratch.
Mm, carbs.
Or I could get out my guitar
and play some Bon Jovi-sounding bullshit ballad,
tell you I wrote it for you.
I've got, like, two more hours of work to do tonight.
Wow... you're like a guy.
You really are.
See you later.
- Oh, this is surreal. - What?
I don't know, it just seems like we do a lot
to avoid these magazines.
Yeah, but this'll be good for you. All right?
It's gonna get you back in the public eye.
You're right.
It's still surreal, though.
Hi. Hi, thank you guys so much
for coming down. I'm Willa McPherson.
- Julia Mallory. - Holt McLaren.
I know who you are. You're my favorite Hollywood couple.
Sorry. Follow me.
Our idea is to do
a sort of "many looks of Julia Mallory" piece.
We're gonna pull really great red carpet shots
and some candids, and, you know, different haircuts.
Readers love that kind of thing. The art department is this way.
Hello.
This is our editor-in-chief, Lucy Spiller.
- Hi. - How are you?
Thank you so much for doing this.
Thank you for your willingness to be a part of the story.
And you, the hero.
I know. I wouldn't be here to do this story
if it weren't for him.
No, you wouldn't.
Well, we should... we should probably do this. Right?
- Mm. - She's gotta get some rest.
OK. Bye.
I'll introduce you to the photo editor.
Hey, hey, hey! Prince Tyreese!
Yeah, that's right.
I'm a big, big fan.
Bullshit! You set me up with that skank!
Those... those pictures, those were great.
You were in the hot tub and the chaise lounge
and the whipped cream and the strap-on right in your...
You wanna talk about that anymore, huh?
Why don't you say that shit again?
No.
Who you working with?
I'm a small businessman.
- Who hired you for those pictures? - Nobody, just me.
You lying nutbag.
You hold the third highest all-time rebound record,
but your free-throw percentage is hurting the team.
In the first three games, you averaged 22 points,
then it went up to 26 points by game four, then you fouled out.
You son of a bitch!
You're bent.
Technically, I'm schizophrenic. But I am high-functioning.
So beautiful...
- What? - So beautiful.
He was my buddy, yeah. But he's gone... gone.
Crazy little cockroach.
This shit ain't over.
OK.
There they are!
Cedars will be a zoo. We'll send shooters there to throw people off.
Now, the competition is going to be insane.
But that's OK because we've got the right information.
Our intel says the baby's going to be born somewhere else.
They're gonna be using decoys and impostors to evade us.
But we're gonna be in the right place at the right time.
Aw, that's not the shot.
Yeah, I got it.
Yes. Yes!
I'm counting on you. I thought that was obvious.
Yeah, lakeside, Thursday. Love to Katie.
If Tina Harrad can beat that, he should give her the job.
How's that feel?
Being the first tabloid editor to put a dead star on the cover?
It feels great.
Great like pornographer great?
Well, you call it what you want.
Just about every news outlet in the world
has picked up this story.
The media bloggers are going ape-shit,
and you think that cover's not gonna pop?
I told you to up the draw.
And People made a deal for $1.5 million
for the Baby Blogan pictures,
and we scooped 'em for expenses.
No doubt about it, you're the queen.
And you were the only one who nailed the Blogan thing.
God. God,
I mean, too vain to carry her own baby.
And the exclusive with the surrogate was a great touch.
So, what're you gonna do next week, Your Highness?
Maybe I'll get lucky.
You know somebody else who's gonna die?
Some other big celebrity couple is gonna fake a baby?
Those are the only covers that are gonna keep us out of debt.
Well, thanks for your concern, but that's my problem.
No, it's not. As of tomorrow, it's Tina Harrad's problem.
Unless you accept my cuts.
Holy shit.
Hi. I want you, Terry and Janice
to meet me in the office in 15 minutes.
They did a nice job, huh?
Yeah... it looks awesome.
You wanna go out?
- Are you feeling up to it? - Yeah, why not?
- All right. - I'll get dressed.
Oh, this better be good, sweet pea,
because what I was dreaming is illegal in most states.
Let me just say this, Gibson.
Whatever happens tonight, you will never forget this moment.
This is what we both live for.
You want to cut your overhead by 20 percent?
How about 50?
We combine the magazines. One monster publication.
The credibility of Now with all the lurid fun of Dirt.
- A glossy tabloid. - It is more than that.
This is People magazine with a healthy dose of "screw you."
It's the National Enquirer
without the penis-enlargement ads.
Wal-Mart mommy will love it, and so will the rich sorority girls.
You know, when I bought Now magazine,
I thought I had paid my way into legitimacy.
I bought an institution.
Now magazine brought America
through the second half of the 20th century.
It was solid, dependable, but it is over.
It's culturally irrelevant.
Well, then I'm culturally irrelevant.
No, not if you change, not if you charge the old with the new.
Look at Blair and Logan.
These are two has-beens
that became huge because they joined forces.
We have the chance to shape American culture.
Is this the shape we want for the culture?
You're the one who always says let the marketplace decide.
This is what the marketplace wants.
- You need this. - No, you need this.
If I do this for you...
You name it. I'll do anything. I know this will succeed.
I know it. I can feel it.
Brent Barrow know anything about this?
I came straight to you.
Vision is not a part of his job.
- He won't be pleased. - I don't give a shit.
I don't work for him.
And God help you if you're wrong.
I won't be.
Yeah, see? Told you.
'Morning, sweetheart.