Look at you!
Look over here. Okay, great, great.
Okay. Ready?
All right, say 'cheese'.
- Cheese! - Oh, wait. Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Maybe it's just me, but can I just say, why 'cheese'?
I know it's not your fault.
Obviously you didn't make it up, but it makes us look like pod people.
How about something more snap-shot like?
Au naturel.
That was good.
- I think we've got it, don't you? - I'm living the dream.
Honey, did you see that young man
cousin Dougie brought with him?
He's been staring at you all afternoon.
Don't destroy the cake. I used fresh tangerines.
Can you taste it in the frosting?
Has he really? It's delicious. Yeah, God, his eyes
- are gorgeous. - They're kind, and gorgeous. Go on.
- I'll go over. - You will?
- Yeah. - Okay, all right.
Oh, but honey.
- Just don't do that thing you do. - What thing, Mom?
Oh, you know, that little thing. It's no big deal.
That, you know, when you're insecure,
you're self-conscious, that little very loud nervous laugh.
Honey, it's adorable, but... Oh, God,
look. There she goes.
I know. We see it. She only buttons the parts she can see in the mirror.
At least she shaves more than the front of her legs now.
She's got almost the whole.
- Hi, how are you doing? - Okay, it's going.
- It's okay. - Yeah.
Uh-oh, the kiss of death.
- You look beautiful. - Are we going to do the picture?
- Let's just do it, okay? - This time I think we should pose.
I think we should pose for one.
Oh, wait a minute. Wait. Oh, hold on
for just one second. Okay, where's Mil?
Oh, God, how did we lose her?
Milly?
Where are you?
I'm upstairs with Uncle Harold's nephew.
The politically active, open-hearted journalist?
Mil, let me get your sisters in on this.
Maggie, what do you do for the speaker thing?
You hit 'speaker', Mom.
No, no, I know! Okay, I knew that, but what do I hit? There.
- Mil, we're here. We're all here. - Hi.
So, how's it going?
It's good.
- It's good! - Good! Okay.
The only thing is...
I think he may have a hot dog with a bun.
Are you having a picnic?
What?
No, uncircumcised is back in.
You know that guy I dated before Derek?
He had it, and I preferred it, cos it was so much more dramatic.
When it finally made its appearance, you were like, 'Whoa-ah! '
Just stop it for a second.
This is your wedding. All right.
Honey, just remember he is accomplished, and he's considerate.
And don't forget, you have one breast smaller than the other.
Thank you, Mom.
God.
Wait, didn't he get back together with his wife?
Oh, no.
Well, Milly, congratulations on your first wedding.
Let's hope it's the first of many. Cheers.
All right.
A little thyme, remember, for hope,
and they say lavender
for remembrance, but my grandmother preferred marigolds
because she said it made you remember only the good stuff.
Richard,
I feel like making love
to you.
Oh, my God. All right, we've got to cut off the champagne
and get some food in their stomachs before there's an encore.
Let's go ahead and get the entrees ready, all right? Thank you.
Not a good time.
Honey, I was just thinking about that brilliant
but went-overboard-with-the-teeth- bleaching flute player from Ohio.
Yep, he actually stopped by work to surprise me.
- How sweet. - He's getting to know
my staff as we speak.
I guess I was wrong. I had him pegged for one of those guys who
wants you till he's got you and then doesn't think twice
about sleeping with your best friend. You know, that kind of guy?
No,
Mom, he's great.
You know what, Mom?
I've got to go. We're about to serve the entrees
and I wore those shoes that we just bought. No wonder they were on sale.
My feet are killing me. I'm going to call you
when I get home, okay? I love you. Bye.
Milly!
You have no messages.
Whose idea was this? A Korean spa?
Mine. Mom,
why do you wear the high-tops?
I just got these. What's wrong with these?
They're just kind of depressing.
They're kind of something you would wear in a hospital.
Well, wait a second. I'll have you know, young ladies, that
this underwear enhances the female form, highlighting the elegance
of the waist and making the legs appear longer
instead of the... well, I'm sorry to say this,
but the awful, you know, foreshortening aspect of the thong
which breaks up the body disproportionately.
Mom, come on. For your 60th birthday
we're going to break you down
and we're going to buy you something beautiful.
Something that Grandma Moses would not wear.
Yes, you are. And speaking of your birthday,
we've talked
about possibly, a really small party...
- Misses, no. Absolutely no. - 'Misses, no'?
No, I am not going to talk about it, we're not going to think about it,
and certainly I'm not going to celebrate
the fact that my life is basically over.
- Mom. - But...
I did find a recipe for
a butterscotch butter cream cake that is to die for.
We got her.
Oh! Massage naked.
Take all clothes off.
No. Uh-uh. Not now, pal. No. No.
Whose idea was this?
Which one of you could possibly think
- that I would ever enjoy this? - It was so you.
Just you wait.
Hi, babe.
Honey, I'm worried about you.
It's not sad sobbing. I promise, Mom. I'm fine. I'm fine.
It's just...
the... the pressure point reflex thing.
- What kind of oil you need? - Pardon?
What kind of oil you like?
What-kind-of-oil-you-like to you, too.
- Mom! - What?
- It's a greeting. - No.
That old bag needs to loosen up.
No, she needs a stiff one.
Hey, wait. What are you?
What are you do? Whoa, wait. What are you doing here now?
What. Hey, that's the head.
It's okay. Soft or hard? Soft or hard?
Goddamn it!
Oh, my God.
Girls.
She's not back with Rafferty, is she?
She doesn't want to talk about it, Mom.
I knew it! I thought we got rid of
that pathologically ambivalent narcissist 3 years ago
when he almost stood you up at Mae's wedding!
Well, you know what, Mom?
He's never going to stand me up again
because he's been sleeping with my ex-boyfriend.
God!
So, the boy friend's a poofter?
No, that's something men say when they don't want to hurt your feelings.
You deserve somebody who wants you,
somebody who's as good and as kind as you are.
Why do you always have to put me down?
- I'm not putting you... - Yes, you are!
Love is supposed to make you feel good about yourself.
You shouldn't have to settle for crumbs.
Okay, okay, I know!
I'm an idiot, okay? I'm done. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oy Vey, Mom's ass is so tight it's vacuum sealed.
All right.
You're the psychologist in the family.
What do you think we should do about your sister?
I swear, with men she's like
psychotic flypaper. They're either gay,
married, unavailable, or out of their minds.
No, Mom, you have to leave her alone.
You have to quit making her so insecure.
She had the least amount of time with Dad,
who wasn't exactly a great male role model.
And stop being a helicopter, Mom. You're hovering.
You're right. You're right.
I'm going to back off.
I'm going to give her some space to sort things out
- for herself. - Good.
If only I could choose for her.
No!
That is so Fiddler on the Roof. Your parents didn't choose for you.
- Yeah, but maybe they should've. - You know what I think?
I think you're fixating on her
to avoid dealing with this very big birthday you have coming up.
I am not fixating
on her. Is it crazy for me
to want her to have one healthy relationship in her life?
I mean, come on. If she keeps up this pattern of wrong choice
after wrong choice... I mean, okay, one thing
when you're in your 20s,
but 20 years later it's not so pretty.
Maggie.
I don't...
I don't want her to end up alone.
You know what I realize?
I give up the search. I don't need anybody. I mean, look at Mom.
She's been single most of her adult life
and she's lived a great life, so you know what?
I'm going to be just like you, Mom.
Just like you.
Milly, you are going to thank me for this later.
Okay,
Adult Friend Finder.
Over 14 million members.
Well, that's a very good sign.
I like how they use the word friend.
Friendship is the cornerstone of any good relationship.
Oh, yes, I like!
Oh, my God. Oh, sorry, Cooper, honey. Wait, okay. Wait. Shoot.
Goddamn. Excuse me. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Be quiet, okay? Gone.
Cooper, quiet.
Gateway customer support.
- May I help you? - Hello.
Mr. Online Support? Uh, yeah, no.
What's happened is my computer
has apparently frozen.
No, I just was doing a little bit of pre-Christmas online shopping.
Why do you need to know what site I'm on?
Oh, my God!
Oh, sorry. Oh, oh.
God darn.
Hello, is this 'We Match for You'?
Let me preface this ad by saying,
'lf you're a nut job, pervert, or fruitcake, move on.
Nudists, momma's boys, the sexually confused, need not apply.
Anarchists, xenophobes, philistines, masochists, sexists, bigots,
not welcome.' I know it's $5.00 a word.
No, well, don't worry. I'm not that talky.
So let's just take it from page two, 'chronically itchy'...
'I am looking for someone with a steady job
who knows the value of work.
That does not exclude the independently wealthy.'
Okay, hope that goes out.
Polka dots, yeah, yeah. I like it.
I like it. I like it.
You must be Daphne Wilder.
It's so nice to meet you. Yeah.
Let's date your daughter.
Just dig in real quick because I'm hypoglycemic.
Because otherwise my blood sugar hits the ground and, ah, you know.
I was just wondering what you think
the cornerstone of any good relationship is.
What is in there?
Why don't you just free associate, okay? I say 'marriage'. You say...
- I say marriage. - No, no, I say 'marriage'.
- I say marriage. - Right, but that's not what I meant.
- I. - Me...
Me.
I have a slight allergy to dander
nutmeats.
Okay, Doug, it's been wonderful meeting you. Appreciate it.
Yeah, right. Thank you very much. Okay, good.
If I say 'marriage',
- then what do you say? - Vera Wang.
Your name is?
- Huey. - Duey.
I've already got a woody.
How old did you say you were?
My name is Dr. Iris McDonough.
I'm sorry. I'm right in the middle here, Iris.
I know.
I read your ad. 'You'll know me by my polka dots.'
I'm a licensed psychologist
and I wanted to offer you my services.
I wanted to suggest that as a mother,
you attend, free of charge, one of my Letting Go seminars.
Hi.
I think we were supposed to meet now.
Yeah.
Oh, that's... Right.
Right. That is so...
Iris, I'm so sorry. I can't afford to be rude.
I'll leave you my card.
Thank you so
terribly much.
Oh, God, thank you, whoever you are.
I'll have another, another.
I really don't think I can get through
another one of these without being heavily medicated.
That bad, huh?
Bad?
Yeah. Like...
w'w'wow.
And I like that you're going for a younger guy.
Me?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, that ship's docked. No, this is...
for my daughter.
Wait. Let me get this straight. So you're meeting these guys for her?
So she's cool with you doing this for her then?
Maybe you should just go play your guitar.
She doesn't know, does she?
Look...
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the fact that Milly's...
she's at a crossroads in her life, another hard left, and I really...
She's like this person who's too sensitive.
You know what I mean?
She's an innocent.
She's a pushover.
I'm usually not this in the muck of it. I mean, actually,
I consider myself a reasonably sane mother.
Well, yeah, it is a crazy love, though. I mean,
who's to say I wouldn't do the same for my own kid?
Excuse me, I'm Jason Grant. I don't mean to interrupt.
I've been waiting over by the bar, but I only have
so much time before I have to get back to work.
I just wanted to ask you about your family.
Yeah, well, my dad is an engineer who was always a closet architect.
And I grew up with a love of old buildings, so...
I know what you mean.
I suppose I became the architect that he always dreamed of being.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, thank you, dear God.
Can I order you something?
No, actually, it turns out I'm so not hungry.
Let me get you the funghi Katarina misto.
It's the best-kept secret in the city.
May we have two orders of that, please?
And a bottle of the Castellari Chianti
Beaujialli.
If you insist, huh?
No, I do, I do, I do.
Do you mind my asking why a man like you hasn't found a woman already?
Well, I'll admit I'm a bit of a workaholic.
It's a very important time in my career right now. I've found women
but just not the right one. A lot of great almosts out there.
Oh, yeah, a lot of almosts.
Yeah.
You speak Italian, huh?
No, I fake Italian.
- I'd really love to learn it. - You know,
Milly happens to be a phenomenal cook.
She's always wanted to take a cooking tour of Italy.
Oh, wow, I was going to go there this fall.
Really?
But it's a crazy time for me right now. My company
is celebrating their 10th anniversary.
You're going to need a caterer then.
I mean, those kinds of occasions should be
marked, don't you think?
You are good. So James Bond.
Yes.
Well, um, it was a pleasure to meet you, Daphne Wilder.
Well, Jason, my pleasure.
Got to love a woman in polka dots. Not everyone can pull it off.
Thank you.
- Bye. - Goodbye.
Bye.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yes!
And the winner is?
Duh. Hands down, bachelor number 17.
Him?
Yes.
Oh, I don't trust that guy. That guy was playing you like
- a slide guitar. - He was not. He's a very stable,
responsible, mature young man.
- He has empty eyes. - They were not empty,
and who am I supposed to choose anyway, Who do you think is better?
- Me. - What?
I like you, and I have an odd instinct
that I'd like her, too. Maybe I should meet her.
Let me be perfectly honest with you, okay?
You're a very charming guy, irresistible, in fact...
and that's why I know you would be a horrendous choice,
because I'm not looking for a great affair for my daughter.
You know, a gorgeous musician who's going to break her heart.
I'm looking for a life partner.
That's great. Thanks. No, I love being reduced to a cultural cliché.
That's just terrific, because only musicians break people's hearts.
That's not the only place I have them.
Well, look, you're a great guy.
I hope you have a great life...
but I have to do what's best for my daughter.
Yeah, of course you do,
but maybe you don't know what's best for your daughter.
I beg your pardon?
Maybe you do.
Maybe I do.
Nice to meet you, Daphne.
Pleasure. Pleasure.
Here we are!
Oh, my God, look! Oh, God, Mil, look at this.
Mom, it's polka dots. It's so Minnie Mouse.
I don't even know if I like it. Do I?
I'm hearing you hate it.
- Me too. - Oh, please just try it on.
Why?
Because I said so.
Honey, look it might surprise you.
Anyway, you look beautiful in dresses.
In fact, do you know what I think?
I think you should wear it to that catered affair on Sunday.
For work? Mom, I spill things all the time.
- Oh, come on. Just try it on. - All right.
Okay, that's incredible.
It's not really me at all.
What are you talking about? It is totally you.
Well... it's sort of more you in a way.
You know what it is? It's kind of Aunt Jemima meets Betty Crocker.
You know, that's...
ridiculous.
Come on, sweetie. You know what I'm going to do? I've made up my mind.
I'm going to get it for you.
No, no, no. You're not getting me this dress. I don't even like it,
and it's absurd for work.
No.
Hello.
Excuse me.
My mom's recipe. Fantastic. I recommend everybody try some.
Love that shade of orchid.
Thank you.
The chicken satay has got a real unique flavor. What do you use?
It's cumin. I'm so sorry. I can't really chat right now.
You guys, the chocolate waterfall's not in the right spot.
- Oh, no, we can't have that. - You know what? Let's go ahead
and just shift everything over so it frames the temple doors.
Yeah, that's the perfect spot.
So, you like the building?
I actually think it's a little cold.
I'm Jason Grant. I'm the architect.
Milly.
Nice to meet you.
Come on, Mom. Pick up the phone.
Oh, Daphne.
Hello?
Oh, Mom, hi. It's me. I have to tell you,
the most amazing thing happened. This guy at work asked me out.
He did?
Yes, he's so cute Mom. He's an architect.
- We're going out Saturday night. - Oh, yeah?
I'm just so excited. I'm so excited.
Oh, Milly, that is really great, sweetie. That is so darn great.
It's great, right?
Oh, Mom, he's so cute. I can't even believe
that it's happening to me, and he loved the polka dots! Thank you.
- Oh yeah? - Thank you, Mom. Yes.
Well, honey, it's just, I guess dumb luck.
- You're the best. - Okay.
- I love you. - Bye.
Yup.
Hello. Um, Jason?
This is Bond, James Bond. Call me.
I'm hearing rave reviews.
I just pulled up. I'm walking in. It's okay. Don't worry.
I'm here. I'm here.
Sorry.
They're not angry. Hold on, hold on. Sorry.
They're just... They're probably hungry of something.
No, feed them the...
the spring rolls from the...
the Adams' wedding.
And the, uh, sauce from the Levy wedding.
All right, I'm walking in.
Okay, bye.
There's a lot of static out there.
You can say that again.
- There's a lot of static out there. - You know,
it's caused by a lack of humidity in the air that causes
an imbalance of the positive and negative charges.
- Of most cases. - I love ice cream,
but I'm really late to work, and I'm so sorry. Nice tattoo, though.
What flavor?
Why don't you get me your favorite?
Why don't I get your favorite?
Okay,
I'll have the, uh, the Fudgsicle.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. The Dreamsicle.
Wait, is that the tall rainbow one
that's really embarrassing to eat but it's really, really good?
Okay, never mind.
I will have the Dreamsicle-y one that has the green wrapper
with the Japanese writing on it. Thank you.
I'm really beginning to feel like I'm never going
to meet anyone. It's making me feel hopeless.
Sheila was a huge loss, but that was 1993.
Ah, it's still so fresh.
This makes me feel like when I was in the second grade,
and I walked around with a booger in my nose all day
and nobody told me. Why didn't they tell me?
Well, more to the point, why didn't Sheila tell you she was unhappy?
Oh, God, this is making me feel nauseous.
Maybe I should change my appointment time
from Thursdays at 3:00 to Mondays at 1:00.
No, Stuart. We've tried that before. You had Fridays at 1:00
and Tuesdays at 11:00. It really didn't help your hypoglycemia.
Now, let's focus on where we ended last time.
Meeting new people, joining an adult education class, or a book club.
I did go to an Internet dating service.
Good for you. That's very brave.
It was a nightmare, Dr. Wilder-Decker.
It made me want to kill myself,
even more than the last time.
Wow, well, what triggered those feelings, Stuart?
This mother put an ad out looking for
a mate for her daughter and I answered it.
A mate for her daughter?
Stuart, some people really shouldn't have kids.
I guess I didn't pass the test
because she made me feel about this big.
I wouldn't worry about that, Stuart.
Imagine how screwed up any daughter of hers would be.
When I pressed her as to why
I couldn't meet her precious daughter, do you know what she said?
- I really hear it didn't go well. - 'Because I said so, that's why! '
Mother, how could you?
When are you planning on telling her?
Well, why does she need to know?
I mean, as long as she's happy, that's all that's important and...
My goodness, who knows?
This architect could be the real Magilla.
As I've always said, God couldn't be everywhere,
and that is why he made mothers.
What? That was on a Hallmark card we gave you
- and Milly thought it was too corny. - Don't you dare tell her... Maggie,
or you and I are going to have some serious issues.
Well, we already have some serious issues, Mom.
Always so dramatic.
Mother, this is like sixth grade drama club. Speak English.
Oh, oh! Oh, God.
Oh, hi, honey.
Oh, Mom.
I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd drop by.
Mom, please you have to start calling me.
I have a date that's on his way over right now.
Oh, but Milly, you look so beautiful.
Are you sure you want to wear that dress, though?
It was such a hit the first time.
I know, but don't you think you have to mix it up a little bit?
- What for? - Well, okay, no.
You're right. You're right. You just look... it looks perfect on you,
and everything about it, and I'm just sort of wondering
if maybe you ought to button those buttons.
No, no, I like it like this.
Milly, you look like you're asking for it.
I am asking for it.
Okay, all right. I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
All right, what are you going to do with your hair?
- I already did it. - Oh, of course you did.
Sure you did.
And you're making cookies, too? That's about the sweetest touch.
No, actually, I just want the house to smell like cookies
when he gets over here. Mom, it's 6:49.
Look, he's supposed to be here at 7:00.
- You have to go, please. Please. - I can take a hint.
It's not a hint, Mom.
He's here. Okay, you've got to go. You've got to go. Please, Mom.
But now, wait, sweetie. Just have a good time.
Feel free to be yourself. But remember,
don't be too, you know, forthcoming with all your failed relationships.
- And oh, sweetie. - I love you.
I love you. I love you for some reason.
I'm going to pull my hair out.
- What? - I know. Just one more thing.
- I've got to go see him. - I want you to wear this.
- Oh, my God. Grandma's diamond? - Yeah.
Oh, oh, put it on me. Put it on me.
- I want to wear it tonight. - All right.
- I know he's coming. Don't worry. - Okay.
Mom, you never let any of us wear this. It's so special.
- So special. - Thank you.
What?
May it bring you luck with the architect.
Oh, your sisters and I will expect a full report, okay? All right.
Okay, I will give it to you tomorrow night after I go out with him.
- Tomorrow night? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm going out with another great guy tonight.
He's taking me to Luna Station to hear some music.
- You are? - Can you believe that, Mom?
It's like I gave up, I stopped trying,
and the universe brought me two amazing guys.
- Great, right? - Whoa, that's so great.
It's one of those amazing things, huh? All right, sweetie. Bye.
Will you go, go, go!
Go, go!
Home! Go!
Hi.
It was either this or roses.
Thank you.
- Come on in. - Cookies?
- Yeah. - Nice.
- Right. - It really seemed to have such
a different approach and attitude towards life that
people don't really get here as much, maybe?
Oh, okay, don't worry. We're going to get a quick look at who he is,
and then we're going to go home and finish
watching Gary Cooper in 'Love in the Afternoon'.
Come on, man.
Okay, yes. Yeah.
Okay, go. Go, baby!
Okay, okay.
Come on. Oh.
Coop, Coop, everything's okay, sweetie. Now, where the heck am I?
God, okay.
Okay, let me just, okay, I'll turn this. Okay.
Welcome. What is your destination?
Luna Station.
Your address is 1242 Amherst Boulevard.
So where is Amherst?
Continue north 2.4 miles, then east...
Well, where is north?
The left. Give me a left. Give me a right. Left. Right.
Please, for God's sake. You know what you are?
I'll tell you what you are. You are redundant,
and it's a horrible quality!
- Continue. Continue. Continue. - That's for you!
I'm sorry. Command too loud.
- Are you guys ready to rock? - Yeah!
All right. All right. Let's play something for Milly over there.
A little blues in 'E', okay?
One, two, three, four.
Now, we're coming up on the 'A'.
Molly, that sounds terrific.
I feel really bad.
No, no, I would've done the same thing
if one of my staff had called in sick.
It's only going to be 20 more minutes.
It's just that they memorized an 'E' progression,
and that is a major feat for them.
- Okay. - Yeah, I'll be right back.
Go, Nicky.
Yeah.
A little bit harder over there.
Strum a little bit closer, up here.
- That sounds really nice. - Really?
- Yeah. - Well, thank you, teacher.
Actually, I love to sing.
My whole family loves to sing.
When I was younger, I always wanted to take piano lessons,
but my mom was struggling so much supporting us all that I just felt
way too guilty to ask.
Here.
What?
Play what you were playing before. It sounded really good.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm no good, but okay.
Try it.
- Like that? - Yeah.
I'll take it up here. We'll meet in the middle.
It's down there.
- Sorry. - How about I come close to you?
I don't mind.
All right.
Why are there a load of ducks in Venice?
10 ducks are swimming down the canal.
And one says, 'This place is quacked! '
Oh, that's terrible.
No, that's really cute, actually. It's very cute.
This is... this is me. Come on in.
I love this.
- It's so cozy. - Thanks.
So comfy.
Three, two, one. Blast off!
I'm in orbit!
Okay, Lionel, let's... All right, okay. Come back here.
Let's start winding down for bed, all right?
Who are you? What planet do you hail from?
This is Milly from Planet...
Milly. This is Lionel from Planet Johnny.
Hi, Lionel. It's very nice to meet you.
You have a vagina.
I have a what?
I have a penis. You have a vagina.
- Okay, buddy, give me a break, okay? - Can I see it?
Lionel!
- Lionel! - Dad?
Hi.
This is, uh, Milly.
Well.
- Joe Dresden. Nice to meet you... - Hi, nice to meet you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Moon dust.
It's okay.
Well, excuse me. It's usually just us guys.
Johnny hasn't brought home a gal in, God,
I don't know how long.
Great. I'm getting it from both sides.
Sorry.
Come on, buddy. Let's go in the other room. These guys are boring.
No, no, no!
- No, no! - What'd you have for lunch today?
Bologna sandwich!
- I'm not the bologna! - Yes, you are.
I think we've got him.
- There we go. - We've got him.
See you.
Night.
- This is so amazing. - Yeah.
- It's really unbelievable. - Yeah?
This is so great.
It's beautiful. It's... It's great.
- I love this angle on the city. - I never knew this existed. Gosh.
So what's good here?
Well, I hope you don't mind, but knowing
your love of food, I didn't want you to miss these.
No, no, no, no. That's... that's great.
Because I make decisions all day long.
You know, the Gillespies' daughter's allergic
to chocolate, but she wants a brown cake,
and my lease is up on my car.
Do I get a hybrid, do I really believe in them?
But I don't know if it's time to switch insurance.
It's...
What I mean is it's very nice to not have to think for a change.
The last time I was in Italy, I was in Siena.
They make this wine there,
and this is the only place in the city
that serves it. You've been to Siena, right?
Oh, well, of course I haven't. No.
Are you kidding?
Wouldn't it be fun to drink our way through Tuscany?
Lt'd be amazing.
God, this calamari is so...
Now, is that City Hall? God, I love old buildings.
Not that I don't love modern architecture,
because I totally do. It's so bold...
But you know what I mean.
Who wants to live in all that concrete?
And yet, the Zen of clean lines, that kind of Asian simplicity,
living without all the clutter, is great.
This view is amazing!
- My mom would love this view. - Oh, yeah?
Does she have good taste?
Lmpeccable.
Now I know that this is the part
of the evening where I'm supposed to sit way over here in this chair...
but can I...
jump five spaces and pass 'go'?
Um, well, 'can' implies are you capable.
'May' asks the question.
Milly, may I?
Yes, you may.
Milly, may I kiss you?
I'm sorry. Can you hold that thought for a second?
I... have to, like...
What?
Well, no, I just got that new conference call feature,
so we thought we'd try it out.
New?
- Hey, Milly. - Hi, how's it going?
- He's a great kisser. - Wonderful!
- Isn't that great, girls? - Yeah.
That's so much better than remember that Ted guy who seemed to have...
a lot of potential then he ended up having, like...
- lizard tongue? - Oh, yeah.
And as I remember, an over-intake of Mentos,
which didn't cover the buffalo wing breath?
That's disgusting, Mae.
No, as I recall, those kisses bombed upstairs,
but had a certain finesse downstairs.
I remember that. Yes, downstairs.
I don't want to hear it.
Guys, all right. I've got to go kiss. I've got to go kiss.
Okay, I've got to go, too.
- Me three. - Bye.
Hello?
Mom?
- No! - Are you there? Mom?
- What, honey? - Hi, Mom. Are you okay?
What, honey? No, yeah. I'm fine.
- No, wait, Mom, what's that sound? - Well, Cooper's in heat. Good night.
Cooper's a boy. Mom?
He wants
potato pancakes in the shape of footballs
with Gandalfs face on them in sour cream.
You can do that. You start, though.
Hello.
Hi. Wow.
Lionel helped picked these. He wanted you to know.
Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. Lionel,
they're beautiful!
And you know what? You can actually eat these flowers.
They're really good in salads. Although when I was your age,
I didn't like anything green, and now I've learned to love...
Now, if she could just stop talking for five seconds.
Oh, I've got it. I've got it.
- I've got it. - No, no. We'll get it.
Hey, Lionel, come on. You want to help us seat the centerpiece?
- Can I, Dad? - Yeah, yeah.
- Go ahead. Go crazy. - Bye.
If you don't, I will.
There was a lot going on the other night, and I didn't get
to tell you about Lionel's unique rhythm,
and I'm sorry.
Oh, gosh, no, it's fine. I actually feel a kinship with him.
You know, he can't stop running around, and I can't stop talking.
I kind of think you're going to have your hands full.
They said it couldn't be done, and I did it.
So how was your date with the arch?
Oh, my gosh. Mom.
Mom, this is Johnny.
Johnny, this is my mom Daphne.
Hi.
Lionel...
Johnny's son.
John, is it?
Lionel. Come on, buddy.
Hey, buddy.
- Lionel... come on here, now. - Pardon me.
Lionel... that's a cute...
Oh, my gosh!
Is this menorah-esque? I don't even know if this is good.
We should try and make this work, though. I can kind of...
Oh, oh! Wait, wait, wait. I used this for Jason's party.
Oh, Jason. He has such nice eyes. Okay.
- Thank you. - Happy Bar Mitzvah, Josh Greenberg.
How do you know Jason has such nice eyes?
Does he? Oh, that's so sweet.
He seems like a very special person.
What if we tried that new vase on the coffee table?
He is nice, but actually they both are.
I'm sure they both are, but in terms
of who you want to get serious with, that Johnny...
at least from what I can see, can't even get his life together, but...
I'm going to stop, all right?
You know what's wrong?
The couch is in the wrong place.
- Look. I got an idea. - Okay.
- Honey. - So we'll move the couch?
- Let's move it this way. - Here we go.
- It's so good. - Let's see. Let's see. Let's see.
- Oh, yeah! - My God! Look at that. It's so...
great. It, like, completely opens the room.
- I love it. - So very, very, very good.
The only thing is, though, can I just say this?
We haven't tried the couch by the window. I think we should.
Oh. All right. I don't even know if I see it here.
Okay, oh, gosh. Oh, just a second. Hello?
You have the wrong number. Yeah, there is no J. Bond here.
Uh, FYI, the eagle has landed.
Yeah, the hen is in the house.
Repeat, the hen is in the house right now.
All right, honey?
Mil, if we pushed this 5 inches to the left,
I swear it's going to transform your life.
- You really think so? - I wouldn't lie to you.
- All right. - Come on, let's go.
Okay, on three.
One, two...
three. This way.
- Mom. - This is Milly. Leave a message.
Milly, it's Jason. I was thinking about you...
Pick it up. Answer it.
...what a fantastic time I had...
Why don't you want to talk to him?
I do want to talk to him. I just don't want
to do it in front of you, all right?
Come on, Milly. I mean, I don't...
I got tickets for Friday night, La Boheme.
La Boheme?! Come on, sweetie. I love La Boheme. Just pick up the phone.
Mom, I don't want to talk to him.
Mil, Mil, pick up the phone!
- Mom, stop! - Pick it up.
- No, no. Don't pick up the phone. - Yeah, here. Take it.
- Stop, stop. - Say yes.
Hi!
Yeah, I'm great.
Oh, great. Yeah, okay.
That sounds really great. Great.
Yeah, great. Okay, all right.
Okay, I'll talk to you soon.
Okay, great. Bye.
He obviously adores you.
You think so?
Oh, God, and who wouldn't? But hon,
are you aware of how many times
you used the word 'great'?
These candlesticks got to go.
No, no, no, no. I like them. They're staying. They're great.
Milly, you know how much I hate to meddle,
but I once had the choice
between a mature, responsible young man
like Jason and your father, who of course I was infatuated with,
- and to this day, I still... - Okay, okay, okay, you know what?
To be fair, you're reading a lot
into a guy that you've met for 10 minutes.
Truth be told, that Johnny has heartbreak
written all over his face.
You know absolutely nothing about him. And you know what, Mom?
I've got to go because a healthy relationship...
What? No, no, you go ahead.
No, no, that's okay. You go ahead.
Yes, cut your bangs. You're hiding your incredible eyes.
He's actually a good parent...
Hiding your incredible eyes!
Milly, I love you, and you may be brilliant,
but you're not smart. I just want you to have a full, beautiful life.
Do I not have a life, Mom? Because I thought I had a life.
No! No, you have a career, you have a car,
and you have a loft you pay way too much rent for.
That's not a life. Milly, I'm your mother.
I love you enough to tell you the truth.
- Your version of the truth, Mom. - No! No, the truth is
happiness is a series of choices.
It's not something that just sort of happens.
One wrong decision can change your whole life.
There's still time, Mom.
Not if you waste another minute of it.
I mean for you.
And I don't say 'great' too much!
This is great.
This is great. The view is great. The night is just so great.
You warm enough? You want to go inside?
No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm nice and toasty.
Okay, all right.
And don't you just love my mom's orange blossom cheesecake?
So good.
Get a big bite.
It's great, right?
It's superb,
which is a synonym for great,
if you're ever looking for one.
You know,
you're cold. Let's go inside.
You get the candle. I'll get the rest. Okay?
- Oh, be careful with that! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... Oh, my gosh,
please tell me where I can get you another one.
You can't. It was my great-grandmother's.
Oh, my God. Jason...
I... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. Please...
I've been so out of it lately... my alarm clock didn't go off today
and that's why I was late and... I've just been so stressed
with the Greenberg Bar Mitzvah but...
You seem really angry.
No.
I'm great.
Okay.
I promise you, they're the best chocolate soufflés ever.
Well, they better be.
- They're worth it! - Touchdown!
Oh! Gosh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Hey, it's all right. That's all right. Whoa.
I'm sorry. I bumped into, like, a parking meter yesterday...
and I'm always breaking stuff.
Why are you apologizing? It isn't even your fault.
Lionel, put some shoes on before you come back in here, all right?
I know he can be a lot, and it gets a little crazy around here sometimes
but here you are making us chocolate soufflés, and you're apologizing.
Sometimes I think you let people make you feel bad about yourself.
Yeah, like you are right now?
What is going on with us today?
We're having an off day. That's all.
- What are you doing? - I'm leaving. I'm leaving because...
you're miserable, and we're having a bad day. You just admitted it.
No, I said 'off day'
and yes, we've had better days,
and I'm sure we'll have a few hundred more weird ones
if we stay together. So what?
- Johnny. - Give me your hand.
- What? - I want to try something here.
What are you doing?
Just a little something.
The soufflés are done.
No, the timer didn't go off.
No, no, no. I feel it. I feel it.
They're beautiful.
Thank you. The one thing I can actually do right.
You have perfect timing.
Thank you.
Come here.
Don't apologize.
He has this way of calming me down.
Ooh, huge plus.
Yeah.
But then the whole Lionel thing. I just...
worry and wonder would I be a good mother now?
Don't worry. It's not genetic.
They've been through so much, though,
with Lionel's mom freaking out and splitting when he was so young.
Not that we're anywhere near talking about any of this yet.
Just the fact that you're wondering, though.
God. I mean, the fact is, you don't know
either of these guys that well,
and who knows if Jason even wants to have kids.
Absolutely.
Four kids, and I want to name the first one Charlie after my father,
and that works if it's a boy or a girl.
Then I want to design a huge Craftsman house for the whole brood.
- The exhibit's in here. - Oh, no, no, no.
Don't let me in a museum. Too many breakables.
Don't worry. They're insured.
Hey, listen.
I'm sorry I lost my temper with you the other day.
You felt bad enough already.
I can be a real ass, and I hate that about myself.
Another family
heirloom.
He buys jewelry. Well, it's no brainer. He's the one.
- He felt remorse, Mae. - Well, that's a lovely quality.
No, he knew he should feel remorse.
Oh, my God, Milly, these empanadas are amazing.
They're going to be perfect for mom's party.
Ooh, Mom, what about these for your party? Shoes.
Please, why are you guys making such a big deal over this dreaded event?
Why are we celebrating my descent into oblivion?
Come on, Mom. It's not that bad. Snap out of it.
Well, I mean, it is a milestone,
and actually I am taking stock of my life
and trying to find some peace and quiet in my old age. So Milly,
will you please bring Jason to the party?
I would just love to meet him.
That's all I'm asking.
I understand, but isn't it my choice who I bring?
I think it is.
Thank you.
Oh, all right.
Okay.
Oh my God.
Mom, Eli says that's what I say right before I...
No kidding? Me too.
And you know it was funny the other night.
We hadn't had sex in so long. By the third one,
I was setting off the car alarms in the neighborhood
and dogs were barking and...
Three?
- Is that normal? - Please.
Everyone knows I hold the record in this family.
Why are you so quiet?
Because she's doing the oompa-loompa with two guys, Mom.
Stop it!
What? Wait a minute.
At this point are you doing it with both of them at once?
No! I'm not. Absolutely not.
Honey, I've been thinking about your situation with Jason.
Mom, I didn't ask for this. It happened to me.
Move on!
Has anybody seen my G.I. Joe?
Believe me, it's not in here.
I left it on the bed.
Happy birthday, Mom!
This is your favorite butterscotch cake. We made it.
Well, some of us made it.
It's really yummy. I tried some.
Make a wish, make a wish.
Make a wish, Mom. Make a wish.
Happy birthday!
I'd like to propose a toast.
To the incredibly unique Daphne Wilder,
the fearless leader
of the Wilder women,
who I hope to someday call family.
You've created a wonderful family
and I hope when my folks stop through town
that Milly'll charm them as much as she's charmed me.
Cheers.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Cheers.
- Oh, thank you so much. - Thank you. Thank you.
Did you know he was going to do that?
Did he just propose? Because I think he just proposed!
I think he did. The question is to who?
Maggie, stop being a killjoy. All right, girls, what do you think?
He seems well-read and...
Don't listen to your sisters, for God's sakes, sweetie.
Do not listen to them. Here's what I'm thinking.
I'm thinking his parents are from Connecticut,
they're a little conservative,
so maybe you should just wear your pleated skirt.
- Mom, shh, shh, shh. Mom. - Just this once, honey.
It's just a gesture. Just make them more comfortable.
I understand it's a gesture, but Mom, this is moving very quickly.
He just said all of this.
Milly, don't fight it. This is the way it's supposed to be.
You're just not used to feeling pursued and adored.
I hate pleated skirts.
Isn't this about the time we were going to sing?
- Great idea. Come on, Mills. - Yes, yes.
I met him on a Sunday... My voice.
And I missed him on Monday.
And I dated him Wednesday.
I said, 'Bye, bye, baby.'
Will you take the soprano?
You know what? That's it. No, no. You're so out of control.
Well, what did I do this time?
Mom, you're embarrassing me. Jason's here.
So, Jason, can I get you another one of these?
- Will I need one? - Yeah, they're just getting started.
Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom. You're not going to go.
You're out of control. Milly's right.
- I don't know how she can take it. - I can't. I can't take it anymore.
Excuse me for just one moment here. I thought that this was my birthday,
my very big, special birthday.
Yes, Mom. It's your big, special birthday.
That's how you should remember it. You're too old...
- Old? - Not too old,
but too old to be doing this to Milly.
You're pushing her like you pushed her into Girl Scouts.
Thank you very much. I'm not 10 years old anymore.
You have to stop. You have to change at some point.
Fine, but I just want you girls to understand
something about motherhood, okay?
- Mom. - Okay?
I mean, it is the most impossible love.
You tell me when it ends. You tell me when it stops.
All I know is it's
absolutely fine for me to teach you
how to walk and talk, and then you grow up
and you head off in the wrong direction toward a cliff,
and I'm supposed to just stand there and wave and go,
'Well, kids, good luck. It's Mom. I'm here.' Well, I can't do that!
What am I supposed to do, huh?
Am I just supposed to put my feet up
at the end of the day and say to myself,
'Well, you know,
they're on their own, and she says she's fine,'
- but you won't be! - Just stop it, goddamn it!
You are making me crazy and you're never going to change
because you don't even know when you're doing it.
Oh, well, I am going to stop,
as in right now, so let me tell you I am washing
my hands of your emotional problems.
I'm just a visitor
with a limited day pass from here on in!
Oh, my God. I can't even talk!
Mom.
Oh, my God.
Great. She loses her voice, and we are three days from Hungarian Flu.
You guys, the last time I had her at my house, Derek and I
were in therapy for two months. I can't do it with this.
I know it's my turn technically, but you cannot...
we can't be in the same room together right now.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Rock, paper? Fine, fine, fine.
Hi. Oh, Ma, I'll take that.
We know you're about to get sick
so we were going to rock, paper, scissors to see whose house
you were going to stay at, because you know what, Mom?
We all want you to stay.
We're fighting for you.
Let's declare, guys, please?
Okay.
Oh, you win, Mills. That's great.
Have fun, you guys.
- What for? - Because I'm here with you.
Women prefer him as a rule.
Shall we take a walk?
What?
'You don't need to take care of me.
Go out and have fun with Jason.'
No.
No. Why?
'Because I said so.'
No, I'm not leaving.
They say dogs feel disoriented when they get debarked.
'Now there was a man
who knew how to be a man.'
'There's turkey meatloaf in the fridge.'
'What's an orgasm feel like? '
Am... amazing?
I don't know. Amazing and, like, um...
like being totally out of control.
Just like...
What?
'No, I wouldn't like that.' Yes, you would.
Oh, Mom, no, no, no. It's not like being drunk.
It's just satisfying and...
like you're out of your body,
but you're in your body, and your toes curl under and...
That doesn't sound delicious, I know, but God, it's so delicious,
and you can laugh or cry, but like a good cry.
I mean, I've cried before. It's just like...
Yeah.
You know, just...
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I just said that to you.
I'm not explaining it right. I'm not explaining it right.
Didn't you ever have one with Dad?
'He said he didn't have all day, and he worked nights.'
Oh, Mom.
'Don't tell your sisters I asked.'
Hello?
No, I'm sorry, she can't come to the phone right now.
Can I take a message?
You're calling about the personal ad?
I... Are you sure that you have the right number?
Yeah, Daphne Wilder.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Just a little belated birthday gift.
You like it? See, it brought me luck,
so I thought maybe it would bring you luck.
Oh, do you like it, Mom?
Mom, I know.
I know all about your little ad
and I think it's so great.
It's so bold and so brave of you,
and finally it shows me that you heard us
at your birthday party. You're trying to live
your own life. And I want you to know, Mom...
You don't have to go through the personals to find love,
because that could be so, ugh...
terrifying.
Jason's uncle is coming into town next week
with his parents and he's dying to meet you, Mom.
Jason says he's, like, the most amazing guy in the entire world,
and I haven't even really told him about the...
All right, all right, fine.
Fine.
- Why didn't you marry? - I didn't know
what the war was like then.
If I had to do it over again, I'd marry him.
When I joined, I remembered having a...
Oh, hello.
Is this Milly Wilder's home?
I'm Joe Dresden. I'm Johnny's father.
Are you Milly's mom?
This is Lionel. This is Johnny's boy.
'Daphne.'
'Can't talk.' Well, it's overrated.
Sign? Do you sign?
'Larry-ingitis.'
'Laryngitis.'
That's the alternate spelling, I guess.
I know Johnny had a date with Milly tonight,
and I was hoping to catch him. I can't reach him on his cell phone.
I stupidly misplaced my keys, and I...
can't get back into our house.
They're beautiful.
Three girls, wow, and all by yourself.
That couldn't have been easy.
Ah, I know, but still, it had to be tough.
'There's tougher things.'
Yeah, like trying to give you a compliment.
You know, what could be good for that throat
is a couple of drops of brandy.
Mine's feeling a little scratchy, too.
- Shall we take a walk? - We could get along.
Couldn't we?
You're sweet.
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you're a dear.
What are you thinking about now?
About how nice it is. You're nice, too.
Besides, you're so very beautiful.
I'd be very glad to have you kiss me now, if you don't mind.
Women prefer him, as a rule.
Where is he now?
- Who? - The boy you're engaged to.
If I had to do it over again, I'd marry him.
Now we've got our basic tomato sauce. I took out about
two-thirds of it because if there's any mistake
that American cooks make when they're cooking...
pasta is that they tend
to over-sauce it. They put too much stuff on it.
In Italy, the main event is the noodle
and the rest is just the dressing, very much like
we dress salads. Now I've got it in there...
Hello?
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi.
We were worried sick about you.
It's nice to see you again, Milly.
You too.
It's a great night, isn't it?
- It's one for the books. - Yeah.
She has a 'gina, too.
Lionel.
As grants we grant you health. We grant you happiness.
We grant you someone else to water your plants.
Cheers.
Definitely.
Reggie's the toast giver. He's the real talker in the family.
Could somebody give me another bourbon and soda on the rocks?
Oh, no, you can't order bourbon.
They seem to be hitting it off.
- Definitely. Yeah. - Yeah.
And then I want you to try the buffalo filet while you're here.
You know, the buffalo was an endangered species up until
a couple of years ago, and now we're eating them.
And you look out over the fields,
and what you see are herds of commercial buffalo...
I had a great time. Please tell your parents good night for me, okay?
- Good night. - Good night.
Tell me you're not seeing that guy, are you, Milly?
Yes, but I don't...
Actually, the 'yes' is all I needed to know.
No, no, no. But the 'but' part is really important, too.
'But' what? Not him.
Why?
Because he looks like some guy your mother would love.
Johnny, wait, though, this is really difficult for me,
and I've never been here before. I don't know how to navigate this.
Oh, poor thing.
Don't talk to me that way.
Oh, I'm sorry. What was I thinking?
You're involved with this guy to the point where you're
meeting his family, and I should be careful how I'm talking
to you?
Are you sleeping with him?
I wouldn't say it that way.
Well, what way would you say it?
Are you going to stop seeing him?
- That pause says it all. - No, it doesn't!
That's not true! That's not true.
Oh, who are you? I can't even look at you.
Oh, God.
The train has been delayed.
Excuse me. I'm going to go check on the soufflé.
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
Jason's finally met such a wonderful girl.
She's so sweet.
She has the loveliest spirit about her, but I still can't believe
he found her on the Internet.
Not like in our day.
That somehow reminds me of writing a phone number on a bathroom wall.
Sweetie, I think that we should...
- Are you dating somebody else? - What?
I just heard your mom on the phone talk about
how you're dating some girl you met on the Internet.
- Oh, it's nothing like that at all. - Uh, it's...
I'm surprised, and I don't even know if I have the right to be,
because to be honest I feel like
I need to tell you that I'm also dating somebody else.
Well, first of all, to be honest,
you didn't need to be so honest.
I'm not seeing anyone but you.
But since we're being honest...
this is something I was saving for later.
What?
My mother's personal ad?
Oh, my God.
You sounded just like her there.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Hey, hey, hey, why does it matter how we met?
You and my mom have been totally scheming,
and now I know exactly why she pushed me on you
because she was voting for you. She found you.
Yeah, that doesn't take anything away from us.
What matters is that we did meet
and how good this is between us, and the truth...
The truth? Where's the truth? Because you've been living a lie,
and I've been lying to you, Jason.
That doesn't change anything.
How does that not change everything?
Because you're here. You already made your choice.
But if it helps, I'll say it. Stop seeing him.
Then you and I can get closer.
Close enough to spend the rest of our lives together.
I knew I had you the day I met you.
How could you know something like that?
Because you were so nervous you laughed like a hyena
in that beautiful polka-dot dress of yours.
Really?
I'll tell you one thing, though.
You did not have me the moment that we met
because I wasn't even sure that I liked the fact that your staff
talked about you behind your back at the dessert table,
and excuse me, but truth be told,
I didn't like anything that you ordered for me
on our first date except the calamari,
and okay, fine, yes, it was nice to not have to think for a change
but who wants someone who doesn't think?
Look, and sometimes you laugh when I cry
and say, 'huh? ' When I make perfect sense,
and never, ever in my life have I burnt a chocolate soufflé
until now, and that in and of itself, oh, my God,
should have told me I don't feel like myself
around you, and I would've decided that a long time ago
if it weren't for my mother,
because who wants someone who laughs like a hyena
in a polka-dot dress that my mother made me buy?
I love that dress.
Take her out.
Hey.
- Um, Stuart, this is an emergency. - Should I wait?
- Let's reschedule. - But I'm so unsettled.
This is making me feel like
- when I was the last picked... - And that's exactly
where we'll begin next week.
Maggie, you promised me
after Willy Matthews you would never lie to me again.
Oh, Milly-woo. Milly-woo.
- Stop. - I'm sorry.
Mommy made me promise not to say anything, or she'd be furious!
Mommy made you promise. Where is your own moral code,
your adulthood, your sisterhood?
Just...
I'm feeling rejected by you.
- Okay. - And it's bringing up memories
of summer camp when Jimmy Felton and Eric Fishman
both transferred out of my bunk.
I totally understand, Stuart.
Come back today, and we'll do a two-hour session at 3:00 p.m.
But...
Listen, you're right. I didn't handle this well,
and I understand you feel betrayed,
but really, isn't some of this anger a little misplaced?
No. No, Maggie. It's placed exactly where it should be,
and there is plenty to go around
so don't worry, Mom will be getting hers.
- Okay. - Maggie!
Stuart, I am asking you to empower yourself and leave.
This could be a huge day for you, Stuart.
This makes me feel like when I was 13
and no one came to my Bar Mitzvah.
Why didn't they come? I don't get it.
You have a blood sugar problem. Just get some lunch. You'll be fine.
- But... - Honey, I know this is painful.
Do you have any snacks in here?
Third shelf on the right.
Honey, instead of blaming Mom, you should really focus
on the fact that both of these guys went along with it.
I am, because I just told Jason that...
Guys.
Guys?
That was plural, wasn't it?
I feel like I don't know what you guys are talking about,
and it's making me feel very much out of the loop,
and it's making me want to jump out the window.
Stuart, for 10 years my sister has sat here and told me
you that were about to commit suicide.
Well?
You mean she's been talking about me?
Wow.
God.
Mom, are you there? Pick up the phone, Mom.
Hello?
You've reached Daphne... You've reached Daphne...
Daphne Wilder. Please leave a message after the tone.
Oh, my God. Oh, thank you, dear God.
Mom!
Yeah!
Yes!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, my God!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
So the orange blueberry muffins are in here?
And the ones with the nuts are in here, too?
They're in there, too.
I had a little trouble with the frosting,
but I know how much you love buttercream.
Mother, I told you on the phone I need distance.
Okay.
Yeah, but it's a new recipe.
Tangerine instead of orange. For a clean slate?
Why don't you get it? I don't want to see you.
Milly, if I'm guilty of any crime, it's just that I just loved you
too much.
Here.
Milly, it was just so you. I...
Milly?
This isn't the way it was supposed to be.
Welcome to life.
Yeah, but I mean, how can I be happy if she's not happy?
Hey, it's Milly. Leave me a message.
Milly, it's your mother.
Daphne Wilder?
Please pick up.
It's been four days.
Okay.
What am I going to do? What am I going to do?
What are you? Nothing. Just do nothing.
- Hi, it's Milly. Leave me a message. - Hi, Milly. This is your mother.
Hopefully you still have a mental picture of me.
We have the same hands
and ear lobes and love of
Bauer pottery.
I know that you asked me not to call you
and I respect that.
I just thought that you might like to know that I found
Grandma's recipe for your favorite Lady Baltimore cake.
The one from my third birthday.
The one from your third birthday.
You know what, Milly? Okay, you were right about Johnny.
Obviously he has more character. I mean, he's really
a good guy, and you should know
that he never saw that ad
and in fact we met by chance.
He was just an innocent bystander.
I know that I'm saying too much.
I've learned my lesson.
Good.
Because,
Milly, it's your life.
Yup, that's right.
That's absolutely right.
Hi, it's Milly. Leave me a message.
I know you're in there,
and it's fine with me that you've chosen not to pick up, but...
Milly, if you're in any way still pulled to Johnny,
then please don't let your pride
or our differences come between you getting what you want. Otherwise,
honey, you're going to end up like some pathetic character
in a Tennessee Williams play.
Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
Okay.
Milly, I...
Milly.
I never meant to hurt you so bad,
and I promise I will never,
ever interfere ever again.
I was... I was only...
I guess what I'm trying to say
is that
I was just trying to protect you from becoming me.
My sweet girl.
Mom?
Honey.
I miss you.
I miss you, too.
Solo on the four chord.
Alternate the bass line, will you?
Too late for spring sign-up.
I've actually been here before.
I came once on a Tuesday when it was closed,
and I just wanted to try and...
You know, I can't hear you. Sorry.
Please.
I miss you.
I miss us and...
I'm not seeing anybody.
That doesn't change anything for us, Milly.
Yeah, but Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so deeply sorry,
and I wish I could find a less cliché word for sorry, but...
It was an aberration.
It's not who I am, and I know
we can't start over but maybe we could...
maybe we could try this again.
I need to get back up there.
Okay, you're driving a bus. 750 people get on.
Two get off.
30.071 get on, 405 get off.
A thousand get on, 999 get off.
What color are the bus driver's eyes?
I don't know.
I said you're driving the bus. Get it, dummy?
You dummy!
Dummy? You did say that, Lionel. That's right. That's so good.
That is so great. That is so great.
- Want to hear it again? - Well, I mean, I don't know.
Actually, I thought you really nailed it that last time, so...
- Didn't he? - Just one more time.
Please?
- Okay. - Okay.
You're driving a bus. Five people get off. Six people
- get on. - Really?
Suddenly 1,000 get on.
- 775 million and one... - Hey, guys.
I forgot a few things at the market. I'm just... I'll be right back.
Dad, Dad, you've got to hear this punch line.
Oh, yeah, you really, really, you have to stick around for this.
Think you've got to, Johnny.
- Okay, Dad. - What is it?
- You're driving a bus. - Yeah.
A billion million katrillion get on.
I cannot believe you are here. You are truly insane.
- 200 billion million get off. - Well, this is a surprise to you?
Daphne! You're not listening!
Honey, oh, no, no, no. Oh, I swear. Of course I'm listening.
Okay, Dad and Daphne. You're driving a bus.
500 katrillion kazillion
- get on, but zero... - Lionel, look.
- A blimp. - Where?
- Right there. - I can't see it.
- Right there. - Where? Tell me.
Look harder.
I've wanted to talk to you for the past few days,
and I haven't had the nerve.
That I find hard to believe.
Johnny, you have too much pride.
I prefer to call it common sense.
It's pride, and it's a quality you and I share.
It's an admirable one until it becomes a wall.
'Well, yes, I am alone, but at least I have
my righteous anger to keep me company at night.'
Come on, that's not a life, and you know it.
And let's face it. I mean, if it wasn't for me,
obviously Milly never would have betrayed you in the first place.
So what are you doing, Johnny? What are you doing?
Why waste one more minute of your life?
And I'm right.
I'm so right.
Damn it.
For once, she is.
Jeez, you guys, no one's
listening. If Milly was here, she'll get my joke.
You're driving a bus. 10 people get on, and 10 people get off...
See, that's the fun of the tuna pasta toss
because it's delicious and it's easy,
because when you're cooking for one,
it's really important to look forward to the end result, you know?
What if you want to make it for two?
It's a little bit more complicated, but I think it can be done.
I see some of you've gone ahead and already added your carrots
and your pickled relish, and remember that some people like dill.
Even before I met you, I had an instinct about you.
Once I saw you were a woman
with profound static cling, I wanted to be that force around you.
Personally, I love dill. I think it's... not used enough,
and very underrated, sort of like mayonnaise, and I also
really love olive oil for tuna.
I love that when I breathe you in, you smell of cake batter.
And I love that you have this insane way
of talking in circles that makes perfect sense.
I do?
Because sometimes I feel like nobody understands me but...
Me.
I get you.
That's wonderful,
but you know my bladder is about to pop.
Can you hold it for a minute?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, guys. Where were we?
With the tuna pasta and the tuna noodle doodles,
- tuna sandwiches, tuna... - I love your eyes.
I even love...
your mother.
Where is she?
It should have started 20 minutes ago.
- That's not like her. - The ceremony has to start soon.
I don't know where she is, though.
Oh, my God.
- I'm worried. I hope she's okay. - Just call her.
- All right, I'm calling. - It's her own wedding.
Oh, oh, no!
Oh, hi, honey.
Hi, Mom! Where are you?
I just have to talk to you a little bit later okay?
Oh, my God. I kind of think she's having sex with Joe right now.
Great. Would she like us to explain that
to all the guests or just the preacher?
She's a woman after my own heart.
All right, Mom. We are going to give you
five more minutes.
Ten. Ten.
Mom, come on!
Open up the champagne, sweetie. What's the rush?
Because I said so!
Mom, don't hang up the phone on me!
You've got soul
and everybody knows
that it's all right, oh, it's all right.
When you wake up early in the morning
feeling sad like so many others do...
Hum a little soul, make life your goal...
Surely something's got to come to you and say it's all right.
It's all right.
It's all right, have a good time,
because it's all right,
oh, it's all right.
Are we married or what?