1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:30,250 Subtitles sunched by Zahid Bhatti 2 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,119 Who owns the Infinity Gauntlet? Thanos. 3 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:37,120 What was Thor's father's name? Odin. Sorry, Moss, I've really got to go. 4 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:41,039 Awww, just a few more, just a few more... 5 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,439 No, no, I'm sorry, you've done more than enough. 6 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:47,440 OK, all right, baby, see you later. Bye-bye. Wow! Right? 7 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:51,959 That's an impressive knowledge of the Marvel universe. I know. 8 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,279 Well, you've done it. 9 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:56,599 You've finally found a woman I can do business with. 10 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,639 Yeah, no, don't say things like that. 11 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:03,640 I'm sorry, I'm just so excited for us. No... 12 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:11,600 If you don't go in all the way, it doesn't really count. 13 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:18,000 Hey, red! Stand back, stand back, this one's mine. 14 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,439 I'm going to do everything for you, really nice. 15 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:24,439 Stand back, stand back, she's all mine. 16 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:28,440 It's tight. You're so strong. 17 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:56,720 It's bubbling over. 18 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:18,040 It's on the house... for you. 19 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,880 Oh, my God! You inspire me. Have a great day. I will... and you. 20 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:30,800 Thank you. Ciao. 21 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:38,639 Moss, have you seen the video of the baby speaking French? 22 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:42,439 It went viral at 10:30, Roy, of course I've seen it. 23 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:44,799 I must have been in the toilet. 24 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,479 Ah, Jen, exciting news, I've just uploaded the second 25 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,279 episode of my board games review show. 26 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:54,280 Care to have a look? 27 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,199 That was fast. 28 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:01,200 Seems like only yesterday that we had to sit through the last one. 29 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:04,319 It was three months ago, Jen. Really? 30 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,839 It feels like it just happened. Roy, did you hear that? 31 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:11,840 Moss has done his board game review show again. I'm not watching that. 32 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:13,799 I'm not watching that again. 33 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,999 Jesus Christ, we don't have to watch it, do we? 34 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,639 We only sat through the first one the other day. 35 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:23,640 It was three months ago. My God! Wow, it feels like it just ended. 36 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:30,640 It was so boring! It was like being insane, it was so insanely boring! 37 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:38,520 Roy's not a fan but you said you liked it. 38 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:42,720 Where did you get your coffee? A new place. Any good? Really good. 39 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,439 You specifically said, and I quote, 40 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,319 "You must show me the next one, Moss." Did I? 41 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,719 Did I really? My God! 42 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,319 Oh, if you'll excuse me, 43 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,959 that'll be my lady love from the seventh floor. 44 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,960 That's going well? Oh, yeah! He's cock-a-hoop over this Sheila. 45 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,959 OK, so that'll be over soon, then. 46 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,359 Hey, I'll have you know that Alice is nuts about me. 47 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:10,360 She thinks that I'm emotionally artistic. Well, what does that mean? 48 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:16,040 Erm, she said that emotionally I was on the artistic spectrum. 49 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:21,160 I think it means that I'm creative about my feelings, you know, 50 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,479 more in tune with her wants and needs than most men. 51 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,239 Oh, she's rung out... That keeps happening. 52 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:30,959 All right, if I'd said I'd watch it, 53 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,639 then I suppose that's what I'm going to have to do. 54 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,839 That's the spirit, Jen. Come on, let's get it over with. 55 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,199 Now, keep an open mind. 56 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,279 I know the first show was a bit "bare boned" but I think you'll 57 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:45,159 really enjoy my new episode, or "webisode", if you prefer. 58 00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:47,039 I don't prefer that, no-one does. 59 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,159 Come on, come on, sooner it starts, sooner it's over. 60 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:54,160 Game board. 61 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:02,120 Game... game... game... 62 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,319 Game... Board. 63 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,799 Game... Board. 64 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,239 Game... Board. 65 00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:18,240 Board... board... board... board... 66 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:26,280 Hello and welcome to Games Board. Today on the show, we have... 67 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:31,440 So, guys... I've been playing... 68 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:35,839 What's coming up on the show... 69 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,319 ..guys? I've... I've been playing Ports of Essen. 70 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:42,999 A strategic trading game, where each player takes 71 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:47,000 the role of a Danish fishing port merchant in the 16th century. 72 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:53,680 And for a change of pace, I've been looking at the expansion to 73 00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:58,840 Textile Merchant, Norfolk Edition. 74 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:02,479 Two games by Reiner Kiniksi? Hold on to your hat, 75 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:03,640 it's going to be a bumpy... 76 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,199 Let's talk about components. 77 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,959 Shouldn't we do rules before components? 78 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,799 It won't make any sense if we do it before the rules. 79 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,279 Don't forget to cut this conversation. 80 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,680 What? Well, don't let the actual programme... 81 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:25,840 How long is this? Even hearing it is bad. I need to stop hearing it. 82 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,719 Sorry, Moss, I can't do it, it's unbearable. Where are you going? 83 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:35,720 I'm jealous of your coffee. You literally can't watch it? 84 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,319 I literally can't watch it. 85 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,799 So what can we do to make it better? 86 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,479 Well, I don't want to say anything that might hurt your feelings. 87 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,919 It's all right, I can take it, Jen. I'm a big boy. 88 00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:51,839 Well, as I say, it's slow, it's so slow. 89 00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:55,479 OK, good, it is a bit slow, we can work on that. 90 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:59,279 And I guess the other thing is that it's terrible. 91 00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,959 It's slow and terrible. 92 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,319 If a friend asked me to describe it, I'd say it's a slow, 93 00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,319 terrible thing on the internet, that I could only watch for a minute. 94 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,359 Is this helpful? 95 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:13,360 So helpful! God! Slow, terrible, could only watch it for a minute. 96 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,399 Wow, a lot to get our teeth stuck into there. 97 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,079 OK, well, let's see if I can help you with anything else. 98 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:24,799 Erm, none of you are any good in front of a camera. 99 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,559 None of us, yeah... You've got really annoying voices. 100 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,079 The voices are a pain, yes. 101 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:31,839 And I guess that's because you haven't got any confidence. 102 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:35,039 No confidence. I mean, if there's one thing you need, it's confidence. 103 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,519 It is confidence. Absolutely. 104 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:40,399 Well, Jen, I can only thank you, once again... And another thing... 105 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:44,400 I'm not listening any more! 106 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,039 Douglas, you're encourageable. I'm encourageable? 107 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:53,799 You're Raymond Peterfellow, 108 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,879 owner of the finest lap-dancing establishments in So-ho, 109 00:07:56,880 --> 00:08:00,880 if anyone's encourageable it's you, you perfumed porno vampire. 110 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,919 Perfumed porno vampire, I like that. 111 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:10,799 So you're thinking of having 500 of these travelling across London? 112 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:13,119 That's what I said. Sexy and classy. 113 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,279 And that's difficult to pull off. 114 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,599 This will get people talking, all right. 115 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:19,999 Consider me one happy shareholder. 116 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,000 Right. Oh, big party coming up on Thursday night, if you're up for it? 117 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,279 Damn, I'm supposed to be doing Secret Millionaire. 118 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:30,999 BLEEP it, I'll cancel. I'll tell my assistant. 119 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,159 Hi, Joan. Jen. I'm not your assistant, Mr Reynholm. 120 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:36,399 I want you to cancel Secret Millionaire for me. 121 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,679 I'm not your assistant, wouldn't know who to call. 122 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:41,439 Just say anything, work your usual magic. Not your assistant. 123 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,439 I am not your... 124 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,719 Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was the toilet. 125 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,199 Didn't this used to be toilets? 126 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:51,200 Yes, I moved my office here to be closer to the ladies toilets. 127 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:55,559 Must get someone to take that sign down. 128 00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:57,959 What's wrong with you, Ross? 129 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:01,960 Small mocha, please. Small mocha, please. Okey-dokey. 130 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,959 Or medium... 131 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,279 Yeah, you know what? I've changed my mind, I think I'll have a medium. 132 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:15,280 So, you don't want a small one? 133 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:19,239 Small's fine, small is just as good, so I'll... just... 134 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:22,959 Yes, that is what I'll have, I'll have a small mocha, my little man. 135 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:26,960 My good man. 136 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:31,160 OK, coming up. 137 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:47,840 Got it? 138 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:56,679 OK. 139 00:09:56,680 --> 00:10:00,680 Fuck's sake. 140 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:10,399 Thank you for the virgin gin and tonic. 141 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:14,400 I suppose you could just call it tonic. Yes. 142 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,679 So, Ross, how goes it in the world of computers? 143 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:21,279 Or PC world, if you will? 144 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,359 We're all very happy, thank you, Mr Reynholm. 145 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:27,360 Very happy indeed. Forget this "we" malarky, I'm talking to you, Ross. 146 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,879 Are you happy? Very happy, thank you, Mr Reynholm. 147 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,439 Look, I'm not your boss. 148 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,479 We're just a couple of guys, a couple of guys, 149 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:38,359 shooting this shit, now tell me the truth. 150 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:42,360 Well, I suppose, sometimes I do feel I lack a little confidence. 151 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:45,759 I know, it's silly. 152 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:49,760 No, I've just realised what a funny voice you have. 153 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,839 Now, Ross, I'm going to tell you something. 154 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,840 Confidence is a confidence trick. Look at me, what do you see? 155 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:02,119 A man who inherited his father's successful business. 156 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,759 Wasn't that successful. It was pretty successful. 157 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:06,999 A lot more successful than it is now, that's for sure. 158 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,479 All right, all right, just say the right thing. 159 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,159 Say the thing I want you to say. 160 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,919 Say, "A confident man", say "A confident man". A confident man. 161 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:18,079 I wasn't always this way. There was a time when I was just like you. 162 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,879 But then I discovered the secret. 163 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,239 And, Ross, I'm going to tell you what that secret is 164 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,239 but you must keep it to yourself. 165 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:29,240 I will take my ears to the grave. 166 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:34,240 Two words. Women's slacks. 167 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,079 I'm sorry? 168 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:46,080 Women's slacks. 169 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:50,840 Women's slacks? Yes. I'm wearing women's slacks. 170 00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:57,040 You're wearing women's slacks? Yes. 171 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,639 That's nothing like what I thought you were going to say. Is it not? 172 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,239 It is not. 173 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,360 I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation, or something. 174 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:14,079 Book recommendation? I can't read. 175 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,799 No, I don't know what it is, but women's slacks give me 176 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:20,199 the confidence I need to survive in a tough business world. 177 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:23,559 They're lighter, airier and less constricted than men's trousers 178 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:26,364 and I'm pretty sure it doesn't make me a transvestite. 179 00:12:29,007 --> 00:12:33,007 Look at that shit, look at it. I can't... How am I supposed to... 180 00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:37,127 It looks like he milked a cow over it. You're so fussy about coffee. 181 00:12:37,407 --> 00:12:41,206 It's very annoying. It's ruined. He ruined my coffee. 182 00:12:41,207 --> 00:12:43,046 Don't just chuck it like that. 183 00:12:43,047 --> 00:12:45,846 That fellow shouldn't be allowed to be a barista. Why not? 184 00:12:45,847 --> 00:12:49,847 Because he's too small, Jen. He's clearly too small to be a barista. 185 00:12:51,407 --> 00:12:55,407 What? You're being a bit of a small person racist, Roy. 186 00:12:57,767 --> 00:13:00,566 A small person racist? That's not a thing. 187 00:13:00,567 --> 00:13:02,686 You can't have tiny baristas, Jen. 188 00:13:02,687 --> 00:13:06,406 For God's sake, the man works with steam. 189 00:13:06,407 --> 00:13:08,926 I'm going to have to have a word with him. 190 00:13:08,927 --> 00:13:12,927 Have a word with him? That's right. About his height? 191 00:13:14,767 --> 00:13:18,767 I think he'd appreciate the feedback. About his height? 192 00:13:19,447 --> 00:13:21,446 That's not what people do, Roy. 193 00:13:21,447 --> 00:13:24,166 Well, I'm not people, Jen, and I think that's a good thing. 194 00:13:24,167 --> 00:13:26,446 I'm not afraid to cut through the bullshit. 195 00:13:26,447 --> 00:13:30,447 I bet this is exactly what Alison was talking about. Autistic. 196 00:13:31,447 --> 00:13:35,447 She said, "Autistic." That's what happened. 197 00:13:35,647 --> 00:13:39,647 No, I don't think so. There is no artistic spectrum. 198 00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:43,286 But she's so... 199 00:13:43,287 --> 00:13:46,726 Did she say it during an argument, by any chance? 200 00:13:46,727 --> 00:13:49,686 She did say it during a... She did say it... 201 00:13:49,687 --> 00:13:53,206 You know what was weird, was we were having quite a big argument 202 00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:57,047 and then suddenly, out of nowhere, she paid me that lovely compliment. 203 00:14:00,287 --> 00:14:02,566 Hey, baby. 204 00:14:02,567 --> 00:14:06,486 Oh, oh, good, good, yes. 205 00:14:06,487 --> 00:14:10,006 Sure, yeah, I'd love to. 206 00:14:10,007 --> 00:14:14,007 Yes, OK, well I'll see you there. 207 00:14:14,207 --> 00:14:17,566 What? Why? No. 208 00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:21,567 Hello? Alice? 209 00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:26,727 That was weird. What? OK, so, what the hell is that? 210 00:14:27,807 --> 00:14:30,686 So she tells me that her grandfather died, she wants me to go to the 211 00:14:30,687 --> 00:14:34,687 funeral. I say that I'd be delighted, and then she hangs on me. 212 00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:37,086 Her grandfather's funeral? Yeah. 213 00:14:37,087 --> 00:14:39,926 That's what you were just talking about just there. That's right. 214 00:14:39,927 --> 00:14:43,927 You sounded like you were being invited to Glastonbury. 215 00:14:44,047 --> 00:14:48,047 Oh, funerals are sad. You did not sound sad. 216 00:14:50,247 --> 00:14:51,566 I wasn't concentrating. 217 00:14:51,567 --> 00:14:54,166 Emotionally artistic? You're emotionally colour-blind, 218 00:14:54,167 --> 00:14:57,686 that's what you are. Maybe I am emotional colour-blind. 219 00:14:57,687 --> 00:15:00,046 I was about to confront that little man. I know. 220 00:15:00,047 --> 00:15:02,126 I was going to give him shit about his height. 221 00:15:02,127 --> 00:15:06,127 Glad you realise now how inappropriate that would've been. 222 00:15:06,927 --> 00:15:10,927 I'll just leave him a note. 223 00:15:31,007 --> 00:15:35,007 I'm here on purpose. Oh, yes. 224 00:15:37,047 --> 00:15:41,047 I'm interested in women's slacks. I see. 225 00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:45,807 I'd like... Sorry. Hot ear. 226 00:15:46,527 --> 00:15:50,527 I'd like to buy a pair of women's slacks. 227 00:15:51,487 --> 00:15:54,366 For me, not for a woman. 228 00:15:54,367 --> 00:15:58,366 Oh, yes, well, that shouldn't be a problem. 229 00:15:58,367 --> 00:16:02,367 I'm not trying to look like a woman. I understand. 230 00:16:03,967 --> 00:16:06,446 I'm not a confident man. 231 00:16:06,447 --> 00:16:10,447 Quite. Well, let's see what we can do for you. 232 00:16:15,247 --> 00:16:17,886 I don't know about this. Oh, just ask them, Jen. 233 00:16:17,887 --> 00:16:20,606 Me and Juan, we have a thing. 234 00:16:20,607 --> 00:16:23,446 I don't want another splashy-splashy coffee from the teeny-tiny 235 00:16:23,447 --> 00:16:26,006 coffee man. Poor woman. 236 00:16:26,007 --> 00:16:29,326 No, no, no, don't give her money. You're not supposed to do that. 237 00:16:29,327 --> 00:16:33,327 I'm actually a person, Roy, with human feelings. 238 00:16:41,407 --> 00:16:43,607 I'm sorry, I thought you were... 239 00:16:45,487 --> 00:16:48,047 I don't know what to do. Here's £5. Do you want £5? 240 00:16:49,767 --> 00:16:53,566 I don't know if you want money. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 241 00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:57,167 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What happened? Never mind, just go. 242 00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:12,367 What do you think? I think... 243 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:17,407 you just sold a brother some slacks. 244 00:17:21,287 --> 00:17:25,287 Help, help, get off me! Let go. You're a bully. 245 00:17:26,429 --> 00:17:30,429 Need to save that old woman, but I have no confidence. 246 00:17:43,949 --> 00:17:47,949 Hey! 247 00:17:54,429 --> 00:17:58,429 Thank you. 248 00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:11,629 Hey, come, come, no queue for you. Come on. 249 00:18:12,909 --> 00:18:16,909 Hello, Juan. I'm with her. 250 00:18:17,789 --> 00:18:21,789 It must be my birthday. I get to see you twice so quick. Back again. 251 00:18:22,549 --> 00:18:24,428 Same as usual, please. 252 00:18:24,429 --> 00:18:25,628 Could I ask you a huge favour 253 00:18:25,629 --> 00:18:28,188 and ask you to make Roy's coffee for him, too? 254 00:18:28,189 --> 00:18:32,189 I've been going on and on about you. And I like what I heard. 255 00:18:32,349 --> 00:18:34,468 Would that be OK? Would you mind? 256 00:18:34,469 --> 00:18:38,469 Of course, anything for you, my sweet. OK. 257 00:18:44,509 --> 00:18:48,509 Slippery fingers. 258 00:19:14,749 --> 00:19:18,749 It's all right. It's not all right. Look, it looks like me with a beard. 259 00:19:21,949 --> 00:19:25,949 I don't want this. It's horrible. 260 00:19:27,429 --> 00:19:31,429 Oh, my God! I didn't mean to. I don't hate you. 261 00:19:33,389 --> 00:19:34,709 None of this is on purpose. 262 00:19:37,189 --> 00:19:40,348 What can I do? Let me give you some money. 263 00:19:40,349 --> 00:19:44,349 Here's £10. Oh, my God! 264 00:19:45,189 --> 00:19:46,788 I'm not with her. 265 00:19:46,789 --> 00:19:50,308 Oi! Oi! Did you write this comment? What? No. 266 00:19:50,309 --> 00:19:52,188 You've got a problem with smaller people? 267 00:19:52,189 --> 00:19:55,988 I don't have a problem with small people, OK? I don't. 268 00:19:55,989 --> 00:19:58,428 I just don't want you making my coffee. 269 00:19:58,429 --> 00:20:01,828 Because you're bad at it. You're bad at making coffee. 270 00:20:01,829 --> 00:20:04,308 You're too small. You're too small to make good coffee. 271 00:20:04,309 --> 00:20:08,188 You know what? Up yours. No! 272 00:20:08,189 --> 00:20:12,189 Little man, watch out! 273 00:20:14,029 --> 00:20:16,548 It's being called the viral video of the year. 274 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,068 A woman throws her coffee onto a tramp 275 00:20:19,069 --> 00:20:22,348 and then a man has an argument with a small barista. 276 00:20:22,349 --> 00:20:24,708 You're just too small. 277 00:20:24,709 --> 00:20:28,709 The barista goes to cross the road and is hit by a van with breasts. 278 00:20:30,989 --> 00:20:33,628 The woman who's been dubbed by various online commentators 279 00:20:33,629 --> 00:20:37,588 as Coffee Tramp Toss Bitch has not been identified, 280 00:20:37,589 --> 00:20:41,589 while the man known as Small Person Racist was also... 281 00:20:43,789 --> 00:20:47,789 Small people are not a race. This isn't Game Of Thrones. 282 00:20:49,669 --> 00:20:53,669 They're actually calling me a bitch on the news. 283 00:20:53,749 --> 00:20:56,868 What the hell happened there? How did you find out it was us? 284 00:20:56,869 --> 00:21:00,548 It's all here in the weekly surveillance report. 285 00:21:00,549 --> 00:21:03,748 What's going on, Joan? I expect better from my assistant. 286 00:21:03,749 --> 00:21:05,828 I'm not your assistant. My name isn't Joan. 287 00:21:05,829 --> 00:21:09,588 What's your beef with the homeless? I don't have any homeless beef. 288 00:21:09,589 --> 00:21:13,589 Ah, so it's women you hate. Well, that I can understand. 289 00:21:14,949 --> 00:21:18,348 Whoa, whoa, you record our e-mails and tape our phone calls? 290 00:21:18,349 --> 00:21:20,588 All right, dry your eyes, Bono. 291 00:21:20,589 --> 00:21:23,428 If you've nothing to hide, you've nothing to fear. 292 00:21:23,429 --> 00:21:26,588 It wasn't my fault Mr Renholm. I would never throw coffee over 293 00:21:26,589 --> 00:21:27,908 a homeless woman. 294 00:21:27,909 --> 00:21:30,508 I would never abuse a small person, 295 00:21:30,509 --> 00:21:34,509 certainly not enough to make a van with tits hit him. 296 00:21:35,709 --> 00:21:39,668 Although, I suppose I sort of did. I sort of did my one, too. 297 00:21:39,669 --> 00:21:43,028 It's frustrating that we did both of our things. Yes, it is. 298 00:21:43,029 --> 00:21:45,068 All right, spare me. 299 00:21:45,069 --> 00:21:49,069 I was young once, but if this gets out, this could deeply damage 300 00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:52,828 Renholm Industry's ability to make that product that we make. 301 00:21:52,829 --> 00:21:54,908 What do you want us to do, Mr Renholm? 302 00:21:54,909 --> 00:21:58,909 Don't do anything. Stay out of trouble and remain there. 303 00:21:59,069 --> 00:22:03,069 There are places lower than the basement. 304 00:22:10,869 --> 00:22:13,788 Stop worrying, Jen. Nobody can make us out in that video. 305 00:22:13,789 --> 00:22:16,508 It's just like early footage of happy slapping. Just relax. 306 00:22:16,509 --> 00:22:19,308 I can't relax. It's all right for you. I have plans. 307 00:22:19,309 --> 00:22:23,309 I want to get up there. I will not be a social piranha. A what, now? 308 00:22:25,389 --> 00:22:28,908 Jim, take a look at this. What is it? It's the new-look game board. 309 00:22:28,909 --> 00:22:32,909 200,000 views? I know. It's a bit different. 310 00:22:36,149 --> 00:22:38,348 Check it out. Game board. Shut the fridge. It's... 311 00:22:38,349 --> 00:22:42,349 Game board. BLEEP game board. 312 00:22:45,269 --> 00:22:49,269 Say what? 313 00:22:51,109 --> 00:22:54,348 Wow! You all seem different somehow. Yes. 314 00:22:54,349 --> 00:22:57,948 We're all wearing women's trousers. 315 00:22:57,949 --> 00:23:00,348 Oh. Right. 316 00:23:00,349 --> 00:23:02,828 Hey, what's going on? Let's get the game board. 317 00:23:02,829 --> 00:23:05,148 He is... Newton Sinclair. 318 00:23:05,149 --> 00:23:08,468 This guy is... Roger Booth. 319 00:23:08,469 --> 00:23:11,828 And I guess I'm still Maurice Moss. 320 00:23:11,829 --> 00:23:14,028 Are you wearing your trousers now? 321 00:23:14,029 --> 00:23:17,748 I couldn't wear them all the time, Jen - I'd have a heart attack. 322 00:23:17,749 --> 00:23:21,749 No, they're safely locked away in my fortress of solitude. 323 00:23:21,989 --> 00:23:25,148 It's funny - when I wear them, I'm a dynamo. 324 00:23:25,149 --> 00:23:28,028 A young Leonard Kravitz, people hanging off my every word. 325 00:23:28,029 --> 00:23:31,548 And then as soon as I take them off, I'm just back to being the same... 326 00:23:31,549 --> 00:23:35,549 She's gone, hasn't she? She's gone. She went quite a while ago. Yeah. 327 00:23:36,429 --> 00:23:40,428 Oh, Michael Buble's here. No, no, it's a funeral, Moss. 328 00:23:40,429 --> 00:23:43,468 I have to go to this funeral for Alice's grandfather 329 00:23:43,469 --> 00:23:45,188 and I'm not looking forward to it. 330 00:23:45,189 --> 00:23:48,268 Funerals are pain in the crack. 331 00:23:48,269 --> 00:23:51,388 Even in the best of circumstances, they're no picnic, 332 00:23:51,389 --> 00:23:55,389 but now I've got Alice on my arse, like the emotion police. 333 00:23:55,469 --> 00:23:58,828 I'm going to have to look convincingly sad 334 00:23:58,829 --> 00:24:02,828 for the majority of the day. 335 00:24:02,829 --> 00:24:06,829 She's not going to expect me to cry, is she? No. What if she does? 336 00:24:07,669 --> 00:24:10,028 I can't cry on cue. What do I do then? 337 00:24:10,029 --> 00:24:14,029 Do what I do when I need to cry. Use a mild pepper-spray solution. 338 00:24:15,749 --> 00:24:17,948 Now that makes sense. See? 339 00:24:17,949 --> 00:24:20,708 That makes more sense than having to feel something. 340 00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:22,468 Do you have any of that stuff here? 341 00:24:22,469 --> 00:24:25,068 Why do you think we have a mini-fridge? 342 00:24:25,069 --> 00:24:28,988 Good evening. 343 00:24:28,989 --> 00:24:30,548 You've got quite a lot of it. 344 00:24:30,549 --> 00:24:32,708 I suppose I have made quite a lot of it. 345 00:24:32,709 --> 00:24:36,709 And what's in here? Just Tabasco, wasabi and a bit of tear gas. 346 00:24:39,829 --> 00:24:43,708 Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes. It's extremely mild. 347 00:24:43,709 --> 00:24:47,709 It's mainly water. OK, I'll take it as a last resort. As a last resort? 348 00:24:48,349 --> 00:24:51,148 In case I find myself out of my emotional death. There you go. 349 00:24:51,149 --> 00:24:55,149 All right. Thanks, Moss. Bye. Bye. 350 00:24:57,811 --> 00:25:00,266 Oh, don't forget to add the water. 351 00:25:13,445 --> 00:25:15,464 Oh, poor Pip Pop. 352 00:25:15,465 --> 00:25:17,785 Sorry, what? 353 00:25:17,823 --> 00:25:19,363 Pip Pop... 354 00:25:19,381 --> 00:25:23,381 We always called him Pip Pop because he was so short. 355 00:25:24,858 --> 00:25:28,537 All of my family on that side are really short. 356 00:25:28,538 --> 00:25:32,498 Is that right? 357 00:25:35,378 --> 00:25:37,257 Oh... 358 00:25:37,258 --> 00:25:38,577 Oh, Alice. 359 00:25:38,578 --> 00:25:42,578 Shh... 360 00:25:50,058 --> 00:25:51,097 Oh! 361 00:25:51,098 --> 00:25:53,137 Roy, are you all right? Holy...! 362 00:25:53,138 --> 00:25:55,377 Yeah, it just really hurts. 363 00:25:55,378 --> 00:25:56,897 Oh, darling. 364 00:25:56,898 --> 00:26:00,898 Oh, it hurts. I know. I know. 365 00:26:03,298 --> 00:26:07,298 Oh... 366 00:26:11,978 --> 00:26:15,978 Oh, Christ, why is this happening? 367 00:26:16,378 --> 00:26:20,217 'Will we ever find out just who this person was? 368 00:26:20,218 --> 00:26:23,017 'Unfortunately, with current technology we can't depixelate 369 00:26:23,018 --> 00:26:25,697 'the picture, so it's very unlikely we'll ever find out 370 00:26:25,698 --> 00:26:29,698 'the identity of this dreadful ginger cow.' 371 00:26:33,458 --> 00:26:37,458 Oh, are you still crying? I don't seem to be able to stop. 372 00:26:39,058 --> 00:26:42,737 One of the pallbearers wasn't able to make it. Oh... 373 00:26:42,738 --> 00:26:45,497 Look, I know this is a bit weird. 374 00:26:45,498 --> 00:26:47,617 Do you mind stepping in? 375 00:26:47,618 --> 00:26:51,457 I'm happy to. I mean, I'm certainly happy to. Yeah, that's fine. 376 00:26:51,458 --> 00:26:53,657 That's fine. 377 00:26:53,658 --> 00:26:57,297 Hi, thanks so much for helping us out. No problem. 378 00:26:57,298 --> 00:26:58,977 Hey! 379 00:26:58,978 --> 00:27:01,297 Hello. Oh, there's another one. 380 00:27:01,298 --> 00:27:04,577 Hi. Have you seen the pallbearers? Yeah. 381 00:27:04,578 --> 00:27:08,578 So you guys and me, we are going to carry the coffin together? Yes. 382 00:27:10,458 --> 00:27:14,458 We are going to put the casket on our collective shoulders 383 00:27:14,858 --> 00:27:17,177 and walk in a straight line with it? 384 00:27:17,178 --> 00:27:19,577 No, it didn't go well, Jen. It didn't go well at all. 385 00:27:19,578 --> 00:27:22,377 I mean, thanks for asking, but no, it wasn't a success. 386 00:27:22,378 --> 00:27:25,097 It wasn't a successful funeral for me. 387 00:27:25,098 --> 00:27:28,577 It didn't have the required gravitas. 388 00:27:28,578 --> 00:27:30,777 Gravitas? No, no. 389 00:27:30,778 --> 00:27:34,778 It wasn't very dignified. It wasn't dignified at all, Jen. 390 00:27:35,658 --> 00:27:39,417 If I had to pick a word to describe Pip Pop's final journey 391 00:27:39,418 --> 00:27:43,418 to the grave, it would be "funny". 392 00:27:43,818 --> 00:27:47,417 It was so funny, Jen. Of course, I tried not to laugh 393 00:27:47,418 --> 00:27:49,657 and I tried to put other things in my head, 394 00:27:49,658 --> 00:27:52,537 but every step that we took was a fresh reminder 395 00:27:52,538 --> 00:27:56,538 of just how funny the whole thing was! 396 00:27:56,578 --> 00:28:00,578 You didn't laugh, did you? I laughed my hole off. 397 00:28:01,978 --> 00:28:04,177 I can't believe she's still with you. 398 00:28:04,178 --> 00:28:06,697 I suppose, but, I mean, I'm hanging on by a thread, Jen. 399 00:28:06,698 --> 00:28:10,538 I think I'll just get through it as long as nothing else bad happens. 400 00:28:15,018 --> 00:28:19,018 There's the phone now. 401 00:28:19,738 --> 00:28:23,337 'The new footage has led to the pair being identified, 402 00:28:23,338 --> 00:28:27,338 'Jen Barber and Roy Trenneman, both employees at Reynholm Industries.' 403 00:28:28,098 --> 00:28:29,977 What the hell were you thinking? 404 00:28:29,978 --> 00:28:32,657 I told you to keep a low profile 405 00:28:32,658 --> 00:28:36,137 and you do it again! 406 00:28:36,138 --> 00:28:38,617 No, no, no, no, no, it's new footage, Mr Reynholm. 407 00:28:38,618 --> 00:28:40,657 Bum your excuses! 408 00:28:40,658 --> 00:28:43,977 Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold. 409 00:28:43,978 --> 00:28:47,457 We're not News International, for Christ's sake! 410 00:28:47,458 --> 00:28:50,217 I'm going to have to do Secret "Pissing" Millionaire now 411 00:28:50,218 --> 00:28:52,097 just to undo your damage! 412 00:28:52,098 --> 00:28:55,257 And I'm missing out on a massive party! 413 00:28:55,258 --> 00:28:59,258 You're no longer my assistant. 414 00:28:59,658 --> 00:29:03,177 I'm furious. 415 00:29:03,178 --> 00:29:04,937 And I'll tell you something else, 416 00:29:04,938 --> 00:29:08,497 when I return from the estate, it's... 417 00:29:08,498 --> 00:29:12,498 ..for you. 418 00:29:15,178 --> 00:29:16,498 Oh... 419 00:29:17,658 --> 00:29:19,977 Oh! 420 00:29:19,978 --> 00:29:22,137 Hello, hey, baby. 421 00:29:22,138 --> 00:29:24,337 Oh, yeah, of course. 422 00:29:24,338 --> 00:29:25,777 No, absolutely. 423 00:29:25,778 --> 00:29:29,737 All right, OK. Bye-bye. 424 00:29:29,738 --> 00:29:33,738 She left you? She did. Yeah. 425 00:29:35,778 --> 00:29:38,937 As the identities of Coffee Toss Tramp Bitch 426 00:29:38,938 --> 00:29:41,817 and Small Person Racist are finally revealed, 427 00:29:41,818 --> 00:29:43,617 we at Channel 4 News ask, 428 00:29:43,618 --> 00:29:47,618 "What the hell is wrong with people?" 429 00:29:54,178 --> 00:29:56,577 I've got a lot of new followers on Chitter. 430 00:29:56,578 --> 00:29:58,177 Loads more followers, yeah. 431 00:29:58,178 --> 00:29:59,737 They're all very abusive. 432 00:29:59,738 --> 00:30:01,217 They wish we were dead. 433 00:30:01,218 --> 00:30:03,017 Wait. 434 00:30:03,018 --> 00:30:05,497 What? Chitter. 435 00:30:05,498 --> 00:30:09,498 We can use Chitter to explain ourselves. 436 00:30:09,978 --> 00:30:11,737 Yeah. 437 00:30:11,738 --> 00:30:14,657 Chitter is the perfect place to explain a complex situation. 438 00:30:14,658 --> 00:30:15,977 I know that. 439 00:30:15,978 --> 00:30:18,257 "I didn't mean to throw coffee on that woman. 440 00:30:18,258 --> 00:30:19,817 "I didn't know she was there. 441 00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:22,297 "I went back to try and find her but..." 442 00:30:22,298 --> 00:30:26,177 Oh... Too many characters. Too many characters. 443 00:30:26,178 --> 00:30:27,577 Got it. 444 00:30:27,578 --> 00:30:29,817 "Hate the homeless. 445 00:30:29,818 --> 00:30:32,857 "And I suppose I hate women, too? 446 00:30:32,858 --> 00:30:35,057 "LOL." 447 00:30:35,058 --> 00:30:36,217 Send. 448 00:30:36,218 --> 00:30:39,577 Whoa. You didn't just send that, did you? Yes. 449 00:30:39,578 --> 00:30:40,937 That didn't sound so good. 450 00:30:40,938 --> 00:30:43,577 People get the sense of it, that's the thing about Chitter. 451 00:30:43,578 --> 00:30:46,417 It's best if you're conversational and off-the-cuff. 452 00:30:46,418 --> 00:30:47,897 Here it is. 453 00:30:47,898 --> 00:30:51,297 Oh... You didn't put a question mark after the first sentence. 454 00:30:51,298 --> 00:30:53,577 You don't need to use proper grammar on Chitter. 455 00:30:53,578 --> 00:30:56,497 What you've Chitted here, Jen, is, 456 00:30:56,498 --> 00:31:00,498 "Hate the homeless and I suppose I hate women, too. LOL." 457 00:31:02,298 --> 00:31:06,298 Phew, I'm glad all that's over. 458 00:32:12,178 --> 00:32:14,817 You're too small, you're just too small! 459 00:32:14,818 --> 00:32:18,657 You're too small, too small, too small... 460 00:32:18,658 --> 00:32:22,658 'Which then leads to him being hit by a van with tits.' 461 00:32:32,458 --> 00:32:35,417 And now Anonymous are after us. 462 00:32:35,418 --> 00:32:37,937 Well, that's just ideal. 463 00:32:37,938 --> 00:32:41,257 Oh, a bunch of nerds sitting at their computer, what can they do? 464 00:32:41,258 --> 00:32:45,258 We pissed off the Internet, Jen. The Internet is coming to get us! 465 00:32:46,258 --> 00:32:50,258 Well, let's get IT before IT gets us. 466 00:32:50,578 --> 00:32:53,697 What are you...? 467 00:32:53,698 --> 00:32:56,617 Oh, I don't want Anonymous after me. 468 00:32:56,618 --> 00:32:58,737 I am inanonymous... 469 00:32:58,738 --> 00:33:01,217 I think. 470 00:33:01,218 --> 00:33:05,218 Let's hide it. 471 00:33:05,458 --> 00:33:06,937 What? 472 00:33:06,938 --> 00:33:09,737 The Internet. 473 00:33:09,738 --> 00:33:13,017 Oh... 474 00:33:13,018 --> 00:33:17,018 Because we told you that was the Internet? 475 00:33:17,458 --> 00:33:19,257 Yes. 476 00:33:19,258 --> 00:33:23,258 We never told you it wasn't the Internet? 477 00:33:23,698 --> 00:33:25,257 No. 478 00:33:25,258 --> 00:33:28,457 Well, the thing is, Jen... 479 00:33:28,458 --> 00:33:31,177 that's not the Internet. 480 00:33:31,178 --> 00:33:35,178 What's Jen doing with the Internet? 481 00:33:35,258 --> 00:33:39,137 We're not doing that. Oh... 482 00:33:39,138 --> 00:33:42,137 Cricket! 483 00:33:42,138 --> 00:33:44,537 Right, don't be scared, yeah. 484 00:33:44,538 --> 00:33:46,417 We're all friends here. 485 00:33:46,418 --> 00:33:50,418 Tell Dougie your story? OK, but who is he again? 486 00:33:50,458 --> 00:33:53,777 I'm just your average social worker. 487 00:33:53,778 --> 00:33:56,857 Yes, just in the area having a look around. 488 00:33:56,858 --> 00:33:59,337 Please just pretend I'm not here. 489 00:33:59,338 --> 00:34:01,977 Do you ever have anyone come round and help you and stuff? 490 00:34:01,978 --> 00:34:04,697 Granddad, sometimes. He's hardly around. 491 00:34:04,698 --> 00:34:07,737 What about your dad? He's never around, either... 492 00:34:07,738 --> 00:34:10,737 Sorry, my friend, I need to stop you there. I must take this. 493 00:34:10,738 --> 00:34:12,217 Reynholm... 494 00:34:12,218 --> 00:34:15,417 What? Well, increase the bid. 495 00:34:15,418 --> 00:34:17,857 I don't care what I said the ceiling was. 496 00:34:17,858 --> 00:34:21,497 I want that artwork by Madonna. 497 00:34:21,498 --> 00:34:25,297 Now, 22 million is the minimum but I'm happy to go to 50. 498 00:34:25,298 --> 00:34:29,298 In fact, make 50 the new minimum. Yes, yes. 499 00:34:29,938 --> 00:34:32,097 I can't talk right now. 500 00:34:32,098 --> 00:34:36,098 I'm doing Secret Millionaire. 501 00:34:37,378 --> 00:34:38,697 That's very sad. 502 00:34:38,698 --> 00:34:42,497 Do you want to shut up, we're filming Secret Millionaire. 503 00:34:42,498 --> 00:34:45,777 Check your privilege. 504 00:34:45,778 --> 00:34:47,257 How am I finding it so far? 505 00:34:47,258 --> 00:34:50,537 To be honest with you, it's not as god-awful as I thought it would be. 506 00:34:50,538 --> 00:34:54,097 People have been terribly nice. They're actually quite clean. 507 00:34:54,098 --> 00:34:56,777 I have been invited to a party this evening. 508 00:34:56,778 --> 00:35:00,778 The last party I ever went to was when Elton John's dog had a baby. 509 00:35:06,178 --> 00:35:08,657 I tell a lie. The last party I went to was when 510 00:35:08,658 --> 00:35:10,897 Conrad Black got arrested. 511 00:35:10,898 --> 00:35:12,537 Conrad Black, who's that? 512 00:35:12,538 --> 00:35:15,617 Oh, no-one, just an old friend. Let's get in there. 513 00:35:15,618 --> 00:35:19,618 Yeah, sure. 514 00:35:23,058 --> 00:35:26,537 So I thought with Game Board's increased viewership, 515 00:35:26,538 --> 00:35:29,897 perhaps it would be a good place to put my side of the story and 516 00:35:29,898 --> 00:35:33,337 show the world I'm not the monster I'm currently supposed to be. 517 00:35:33,338 --> 00:35:35,457 Boo! Boo! 518 00:35:35,458 --> 00:35:36,737 Don't boo, please. 519 00:35:36,738 --> 00:35:40,738 That is a horrible T-shirt. 520 00:35:40,938 --> 00:35:44,497 So the question everyone is asking, Jen Barber, do you hate women? 521 00:35:44,498 --> 00:35:46,417 Oh... 522 00:35:46,418 --> 00:35:48,217 Thank you, Jen Barber. 523 00:35:48,218 --> 00:35:52,218 Coming up, what was it like to be a 14th-century grain merchant? 524 00:35:52,538 --> 00:35:55,577 Wait, I don't know if that was clear. Sorry, it's these trousers. 525 00:35:55,578 --> 00:35:59,578 They make me want to move onto the next item. It's better broadcasting and the slacks know it! 526 00:36:00,138 --> 00:36:04,138 Coming up. Will you stop saying, "Coming up". Next... I don't know if they got my point! 527 00:36:05,738 --> 00:36:07,537 Oh, gosh! 528 00:36:07,538 --> 00:36:09,137 Oh! 529 00:36:09,138 --> 00:36:10,777 Oh, gosh. 530 00:36:10,778 --> 00:36:13,297 Richmond, do you work here or not? 531 00:36:13,298 --> 00:36:16,697 I don't get paid, but I like to come in. 532 00:36:16,698 --> 00:36:20,137 So that Goth thing didn't work out? 533 00:36:20,138 --> 00:36:22,337 Does it look like it worked out? 534 00:36:22,338 --> 00:36:24,977 Anyway, how have you guys been? 535 00:36:24,978 --> 00:36:27,257 Everyone thinks I'm a misogynist. 536 00:36:27,258 --> 00:36:30,217 Roy lost his girlfriend because he's emotionally colour-blind 537 00:36:30,218 --> 00:36:33,537 and Moss is wearing trousers that make him good at telly. 538 00:36:33,538 --> 00:36:35,417 Any gossip? 539 00:36:35,418 --> 00:36:37,697 What's going on with you? 540 00:36:37,698 --> 00:36:41,698 Oh, you know, keeping busy, voice-over work mainly. 541 00:36:41,938 --> 00:36:43,617 Really, how did that happen? 542 00:36:43,618 --> 00:36:47,618 Someone just noticed I had a beautiful voice. 543 00:36:51,218 --> 00:36:52,577 Oh, Richmond. 544 00:36:52,578 --> 00:36:54,257 Things aren't going well at all. 545 00:36:54,258 --> 00:36:56,537 Just get in there. 546 00:36:56,538 --> 00:36:58,937 It's just not the same when you guys aren't together. 547 00:36:58,938 --> 00:37:02,938 Anyway, if you want me, you know where I am. 548 00:37:03,498 --> 00:37:05,377 I don't, though, Richmond. 549 00:37:05,378 --> 00:37:09,057 Don't... lurk! 550 00:37:09,058 --> 00:37:10,377 Where did he go? 551 00:37:10,378 --> 00:37:14,378 Where did who go? 552 00:37:17,338 --> 00:37:20,377 Does it ever seem to you that the things that happen to us 553 00:37:20,378 --> 00:37:22,417 are sort of... 554 00:37:22,418 --> 00:37:24,097 strange? 555 00:37:24,098 --> 00:37:26,217 How so, Roy? 556 00:37:26,218 --> 00:37:28,417 Well... 557 00:37:28,418 --> 00:37:31,217 remember when I had to pretend to be disabled 558 00:37:31,218 --> 00:37:34,377 and I ended up in Manchester? 559 00:37:34,378 --> 00:37:37,097 That wasn't a normal thing to happen, was it? 560 00:37:37,098 --> 00:37:41,098 Or when you ended up spending the night in that arcade machine. 561 00:37:41,658 --> 00:37:44,457 That was odd. 562 00:37:44,458 --> 00:37:47,097 I suppose those were unusual events. 563 00:37:47,098 --> 00:37:48,657 And this is strange. 564 00:37:48,658 --> 00:37:51,657 What's happening to us right now is strange, isn't it? 565 00:37:51,658 --> 00:37:54,017 Well, at least, it'll all be over soon. 566 00:37:54,018 --> 00:37:58,018 Douglas is bound to fire us when he gets back. 567 00:37:58,258 --> 00:37:59,817 Come on, guys, this isn't us. 568 00:37:59,818 --> 00:38:01,817 Are we just going to sit here and take it? 569 00:38:01,818 --> 00:38:04,177 What do we normally do when we get into a scrape? 570 00:38:04,178 --> 00:38:06,577 We normally make things worse and worse and then it ends. 571 00:38:06,578 --> 00:38:09,257 No, we don't. We stick together. That doesn't sound like us. 572 00:38:09,258 --> 00:38:12,097 OK, enough... Come on, who are we? 573 00:38:12,098 --> 00:38:14,057 Who are we? I want to hear you say it! 574 00:38:14,058 --> 00:38:16,817 We're the IT... We're the IT... ..Department. 575 00:38:16,818 --> 00:38:19,697 You're goddamn right we are! 576 00:38:19,698 --> 00:38:22,097 Are you wearing women's slacks? Yes, I am. 577 00:38:22,098 --> 00:38:23,764 This is exactly what I'm talking about. 578 00:38:27,692 --> 00:38:30,252 Let's get into a car and cruise around. 579 00:38:30,342 --> 00:38:34,342 How to get into a car? Smash a window. Great idea. 580 00:38:35,582 --> 00:38:38,522 That's the one. 581 00:38:38,526 --> 00:38:42,526 I'm such an idiot. I've got a robot hand. 582 00:38:46,339 --> 00:38:50,339 Hang on a second. This is MY car. 583 00:39:11,219 --> 00:39:14,098 Oh, shit. Wow-wow-wow. It's all right, everyone, be cool. 584 00:39:14,099 --> 00:39:18,099 I'll handle this. Take that. 585 00:39:30,379 --> 00:39:34,379 It's all right, Officer, I'm doing Secret Millionaire. 586 00:39:36,339 --> 00:39:39,618 Come on, come on, come on, people. What's going on? 587 00:39:39,619 --> 00:39:41,298 Come on, come on, come on, people. 588 00:39:41,299 --> 00:39:44,298 How long has he been wearing the trousers? He won't take them off. 589 00:39:44,299 --> 00:39:45,698 OK, come on, come on, come on... 590 00:39:45,699 --> 00:39:48,538 What's going on, what's going on? We don't know what's happening. 591 00:39:48,539 --> 00:39:50,818 OK, come on. To every problem, there's a solution. 592 00:39:50,819 --> 00:39:52,858 What's our problem here? What's our problem? 593 00:39:52,859 --> 00:39:56,859 Everyone thinks I'm a cow who hates women. You're a cow. 594 00:39:58,139 --> 00:40:02,139 Terrible cow. Women, OK. Roy, hurt me. 595 00:40:02,419 --> 00:40:05,178 Erm, the woman I love thinks that I hate small people. 596 00:40:05,179 --> 00:40:07,578 Small people, thank you, Roy. 597 00:40:07,579 --> 00:40:10,778 I'm probably going to die alone in front of computer pornography? 598 00:40:10,779 --> 00:40:14,779 I'll just draw a sad face. 599 00:40:17,899 --> 00:40:21,899 OK, so what do women and small people both like? 600 00:40:23,579 --> 00:40:27,579 What do they both like? Chairs. Films. I really don't know. 601 00:40:29,579 --> 00:40:33,098 I'll tell you. It's just they seem like very different groups. 602 00:40:33,099 --> 00:40:37,099 Very different groups. Not being attacked. 603 00:40:40,939 --> 00:40:44,418 They both love not being attacked. 604 00:40:44,419 --> 00:40:48,419 Well, I can't speak for small people, obviously, but as a woman, 605 00:40:48,539 --> 00:40:52,298 I certainly like not being attacked. Where are you going with this, Moss? 606 00:40:52,299 --> 00:40:54,618 I'll tell you exactly where I'm going with this, Roy. 607 00:40:54,619 --> 00:40:57,658 I'm saying that we use this brief window, while Douglas is away, 608 00:40:57,659 --> 00:41:01,498 to produce a pepper-spray solution for small women, 609 00:41:01,499 --> 00:41:03,658 using that stuff I gave Roy earlier. 610 00:41:03,659 --> 00:41:05,178 That sounds really weird. 611 00:41:05,179 --> 00:41:09,179 Jen Barber, not a hater of women but their defender, their champion. 612 00:41:09,579 --> 00:41:11,778 I love it now. 613 00:41:11,779 --> 00:41:14,458 And I can do a massive presentation. 614 00:41:14,459 --> 00:41:18,459 A self-defence pepper spray for small women suits my purposes also. 615 00:41:19,899 --> 00:41:23,899 It will show Alice that I care and, as a woman with small relatives, 616 00:41:24,499 --> 00:41:27,178 she's sure to come to Jen's presentation. 617 00:41:27,179 --> 00:41:30,538 You know, when I first stocked that mini-fridge with pepper-spray solution, 618 00:41:30,539 --> 00:41:34,539 I thought I'd made too much... but only now do I realise 619 00:41:35,819 --> 00:41:39,819 that I'd made exactly the right amount for our current purposes. 620 00:41:41,539 --> 00:41:45,178 It almost seems like it's too good an idea. 621 00:41:45,179 --> 00:41:49,179 You see what we can do when we work together? With my business acumen... 622 00:41:49,219 --> 00:41:53,219 My scientific know-how... And I'm also here... 623 00:41:54,779 --> 00:41:58,779 We can do anything! Yes! Yes! 624 00:41:59,139 --> 00:42:03,139 I need a trouser break. 625 00:42:09,979 --> 00:42:11,618 You coming, Roy? 626 00:42:11,619 --> 00:42:14,258 I can't seem to get the wording of this speech to Alice right. 627 00:42:14,259 --> 00:42:15,658 You're doing a speech? 628 00:42:15,659 --> 00:42:18,738 Yeah, I need to show her that I'm not emotionally colour-blind. 629 00:42:18,739 --> 00:42:22,739 I'm actually a very sensitive human man, and she needs to know that. 630 00:42:22,819 --> 00:42:26,819 Oooh, what's a more romantic word for "knockers"? 631 00:42:27,259 --> 00:42:29,858 A MORE romantic word? 632 00:42:29,859 --> 00:42:33,818 Come on, guys. Let's protect women! I'll meet you up there. Good luck. 633 00:42:33,819 --> 00:42:36,458 Thanks. 634 00:42:36,459 --> 00:42:39,618 Eartha Kitts! 635 00:42:39,619 --> 00:42:41,418 Right, is everything ready? 636 00:42:41,419 --> 00:42:43,018 Yeah, well, I've got the posters up 637 00:42:43,019 --> 00:42:45,898 and I've put gift bags with pepper spray beside each chair. 638 00:42:45,899 --> 00:42:48,538 Now, I think it was a master stroke to put the spray in these 639 00:42:48,539 --> 00:42:49,898 elegant bottles. 640 00:42:49,899 --> 00:42:52,858 Why not look stylish while you defend yourself? 641 00:42:52,859 --> 00:42:54,898 Something's bothering me, though. 642 00:42:54,899 --> 00:42:58,658 Are we missing something that's very obviously wrong with this idea? 643 00:42:58,659 --> 00:43:02,659 I really don't think so. Oh, look, here comes everyone. 644 00:43:05,379 --> 00:43:09,378 Hello, and welcome to this very special 645 00:43:09,379 --> 00:43:13,379 presentation for women by a woman, me a woman, who loves women. 646 00:43:14,179 --> 00:43:17,898 By your seats you'll find a gift bag, and in that gift bag 647 00:43:17,899 --> 00:43:20,338 you'll find our very exciting new product. 648 00:43:20,339 --> 00:43:22,699 No, don't do that. 649 00:43:24,539 --> 00:43:28,298 No, you're not supposed to... 650 00:43:28,299 --> 00:43:31,698 Yes! I have some things I have to say to you! 651 00:43:31,699 --> 00:43:35,098 No, I need to go. No, you are going nowhere. 652 00:43:35,099 --> 00:43:39,098 Now, I know in the past that you have accused me 653 00:43:39,099 --> 00:43:41,379 of being emotionally colour-blind. 654 00:43:42,539 --> 00:43:46,539 Shut up and listen. But now I've changed - my sight is perfect. 655 00:43:47,539 --> 00:43:49,658 Now I know what was wrong with the idea. 656 00:43:49,659 --> 00:43:53,659 With your sweet lips and, of course, your lovely bangers, 657 00:43:54,579 --> 00:43:56,778 I know you're the one for me. 658 00:43:56,779 --> 00:43:59,298 I'm in terrible pain. 659 00:43:59,299 --> 00:44:03,299 Me, too, Alice, me, too, but that ends now. It ends now. 660 00:44:10,979 --> 00:44:13,618 That could not have gone better. 661 00:44:13,619 --> 00:44:16,978 Oh, no, Roy, that didn't go well at all. 662 00:44:16,979 --> 00:44:20,979 Oh, right, because we're going to lose our jobs. 663 00:44:21,259 --> 00:44:24,138 Argh! 664 00:44:24,139 --> 00:44:25,338 Mr Reynholm... 665 00:44:25,339 --> 00:44:28,778 So, that's the thing. I gave the boy the can of lager, 666 00:44:28,779 --> 00:44:31,458 so technically I'm guilty of corrupting a minor. 667 00:44:31,459 --> 00:44:33,818 So it's the reason why I bought the tramp uniform 668 00:44:33,819 --> 00:44:36,858 and I've had to make myself scarce. 669 00:44:36,859 --> 00:44:40,778 So, you need somewhere to hide out? Yeah, somewhere off-piste. 670 00:44:40,779 --> 00:44:44,018 Somewhere where no-one will find you. Bottom of the world. 671 00:44:44,019 --> 00:44:46,738 You can use our office if you'd like. Whoo. 672 00:44:46,739 --> 00:44:49,338 Well, I'll need someone to take care of business upstairs. 673 00:44:49,339 --> 00:44:50,778 We're not doing anything. 674 00:44:50,779 --> 00:44:52,498 Well, this is perfect. 675 00:44:52,499 --> 00:44:56,498 My wonderful assistant, Joan, and her two friends, Ross. 676 00:44:56,499 --> 00:44:59,698 I'm going to go and piss around on the internet 677 00:44:59,699 --> 00:45:02,298 but actually I'll need some food. 678 00:45:02,299 --> 00:45:06,299 I've already eaten one of the toys in here. 679 00:45:07,099 --> 00:45:11,099 Did he just say what I think he said? I wasn't really listening. 680 00:45:11,579 --> 00:45:15,579 Is this... Is what's happening good now? Is this good? 681 00:45:17,579 --> 00:45:20,338 Yes, it's a very good outcome. Oh, my God! 682 00:45:20,339 --> 00:45:22,378 I think we've come out on top, I can't believe it. 683 00:45:22,379 --> 00:45:24,298 We've come out on top. 684 00:45:24,299 --> 00:45:26,058 'Jen Barber.' 685 00:45:26,059 --> 00:45:29,378 Oh, I forgot about you. Oh, God, that's impressive. 686 00:45:29,379 --> 00:45:33,379 They're actually watching us. Hey, mate, am I an anonymous? 687 00:45:34,379 --> 00:45:37,138 Silence, you person wasters. 688 00:45:37,139 --> 00:45:39,858 Greetings, Jen Barber. This is your sentence. 689 00:45:39,859 --> 00:45:43,738 You've been found guilty of the most appalling lack of basic human 690 00:45:43,739 --> 00:45:45,219 kindness and decency. 691 00:45:47,099 --> 00:45:48,738 Come in. 692 00:45:48,739 --> 00:45:52,739 Shush, you. Peter, what are you doing in there? Shut up! 693 00:45:53,619 --> 00:45:56,898 You've been there for hours. I'm doing something. Go away! 694 00:45:56,899 --> 00:46:00,899 Peter, your mum and I are worried about you. Get out. 695 00:46:01,459 --> 00:46:05,459 You need to get off this computer. Who is this? Are these your friends? 696 00:46:06,899 --> 00:46:09,698 I'm sorry. Peter can't play any more. He's coming outside. 697 00:46:09,699 --> 00:46:12,458 'You said I could stay here as long as I wanted.' 698 00:46:12,459 --> 00:46:14,259 We said that you had to come out. 699 00:46:18,499 --> 00:46:20,618 '..do my homework... 700 00:46:20,619 --> 00:46:24,619 'I've done my homework... 701 00:46:25,059 --> 00:46:27,059 'I know my rights...' 702 00:46:31,339 --> 00:46:33,898 This internet's not working. I can't connect. 703 00:46:33,899 --> 00:46:36,658 Just try turning it off and on again. 704 00:46:36,659 --> 00:46:40,659 Thanks, Ross. 705 00:46:59,899 --> 00:47:01,978 Reynholm Industries is changing. 706 00:47:01,979 --> 00:47:05,978 New opportunities, new faces, a new direction. 707 00:47:05,979 --> 00:47:08,818 A better workplace environment. 708 00:47:08,819 --> 00:47:12,819 Exciting new products. 709 00:47:13,339 --> 00:47:17,098 An inclusive hiring policy... I am sounding happy? 710 00:47:17,099 --> 00:47:20,338 Can you be a little bit more... Yeah, this is me being happy. 711 00:47:20,339 --> 00:47:23,498 Just be a bit more, I don't know... I'm being upbeat. 712 00:47:23,499 --> 00:47:26,579 No, I just want you to speak... Ah, forget it, let's just stop. 713 00:47:26,604 --> 00:47:34,726 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.