Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you!
Go!
Thank you very much! Thank you!
I'm a modern man! A man for the millennium! Digital and smoke-free!
A diversified, multi-cultural post-modern deconstructionist...
...politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect...
I've been uplinked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced...
I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading...
I'm a high-tech low-life! A cutting-edge, state of the art...
bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school; and my inner child is outward-bound...
I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer...
...and I'm voice-activated and bio-degradable...
I interface with my database; and my database is in cyberspace...
...so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive and from time to time I'm radioactive!
Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin'
the wave, dodgin' the bullet, pushin' the envelope!
I'm on point, on task, on message and off drugs!
I've got no need for coke and speed! I've got no urge to binge and purge!
I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar...
A high-concept, low profile, medium-range ballistic missionary...
A street-wise smart bomb, a top-gun bottom-feeder...
I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps...
I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach...
A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic; out of rehab and in denial!
I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper,
a personal assistant and a personal agenda!
You can't shut me up! You can't dumb me down!
'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless, I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.
I'm a non-believer, I'm an over-achiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward.
Up-front, down-home, low rent, high-maintenance!
Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last!
I'm a hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk, head case;
prematurely post-traumatic...
...and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail!
But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing...
A supporting, bonding, nurturing primary-care giver...
My output is down, but my income is up! I take a short position on the long bond,
...and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports...
I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant!
I like rough sex; I like tough love, I use the f-word in my e-mail...
...and the software on my hard drive is hard-core - No soft porn!
I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a mini-van at a mega-store...
I eat fast-food in the slow lane, I'm toll-free,
bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes!
A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested,
clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle!
I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved,
pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and...
I have an unlimited broadband capacity!
I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal.
Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock!
Rough, tough, and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow...
I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride...
Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin', jivin' and groovin, wailin' and winnin'...
I don't snooze, so I don't lose!
I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road...
I party hearty! And lunchtime is crunch time.
I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt...
...and I'm hangin' tough. Over and out!
Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you very much!
Way to go! Thank you!
Hey! I've got 341 days over and next year's my 50th anniversary in show business...
...so let's do a fucking show! Huh?
You know some people don't talk about' em in public anymore? Pussyfarts!
So, anyway...
I said that on my last HBO show and apparently
some people don't know what a pussyfart is...!
...'cause I got some inquiries...
Here's the deal!
A pussyfart is like when you're making love to a woman...
...who's got a little extra air in her vagina...
...and every time you thrust forward there's kind of a...
And the two of you, just lyin' there, each
is wonderin' if the other one farted...
And the man is usually thinking: "Maybe she farts when she comes!"
"Maybe she took a shit!"
"Man, I gotta stay out of that fucking bar!"
Another word you don't hear too often is "Dingleberries!"
You know? You never hear it in "Meet the Press?"
The dingleberry solution, the dingleberry-gate... Nothing!
I guess this is 'cause "dingleberries" is one of them
words you don't say too much past your tenth birthday!
It't not a grown-up's word! It's a kid's word!
"Dingleberries!"
Always sounded kinda Christmasy to me!
Won't you say there's a holiday ring to it? "Dingleberries!"
"John, you may want to hang some dingleberries over the front door!"
"And when Mary Ann comes over she can kiss you under the Dingleberries!"
It is to be devoutedly wished that she would kiss me...
...under the Dingleberries!
"Cornhole" is another word you don't hear enough!
You don't hear that nearly enough, you know!
It's a good word! A solid word!
It's a tough word! It's a man's kind of word!
It's got a masculine sound!
Like "shotgun", and "ashcan", and "tow-truck"...!
"Cornhole!"
Everything's been sanitized now, and cleaned up!
First with these fucking Christians, let's just start with them!
Let's not leave out these PC campus liberal assholes!
They're just as fucking bad from a different direction!
But's everything's different! Everything's been
polished up! It's "anal intercourse", "anal rape!"
Bullshit! Cornhole!
I'm a big fan of the prime time crime shows...
...I like all of them pretty much, you know, I like
"Law and Order", and all the spin-offs of that...
I like "CSI", and all of those spin-offs, 'cause they're forensic shows, you know?
And I'm just waiting for one night to be sitting
there watching one of them shows, and...
...the chief medical examiner turns to the lead detective and say "Steve..."
"Looks to me like that after they killed this guy the perpretators rolled
him over and cornholed him about thirty or forty fucking times..."
"And there's a posthumous multiple cornhole entry wound!"
In prison it's a social activity!
Yeah, it's right there on the bulletin board!
"Checkers, handball, cornholing!"
Now, just to change the subject a little bit...
Do you realize...?
...that right this second, right now...
...somewhere around the world...
...some guy is getting ready to kill himself?
Ain't that great?
Do you ever stop and think about that kind of shit?
I do! It's fun!
And it's interesting! And it's true!
Right this second, some guy is getting ready to bite the big bazooka!
Because statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide!
A million! That's 280 a day!
That's one every 30 seconds!
There goes another guy!
And I say "guy" because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide!
Even though women attempt it more!
So men are better at it!
That's something else you girls are wanna be working on!
Well, if you wanna be truly equal, you're gonna have
to start taking your own lives in greater numbers!
But I just think it's interesting to know...
..."interesting", that's a big word in this show for me...
...interesting to know that at any moment, the odds are good...
...that some guy is draggin' a chair across the garage floor...
...trying to get it right underneath that ceiling beam...
...don't want it to be too far off center.
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right!
Somewhere else another guy is going over and
getting a gun out of a chest of drawers...
Somebody else is opening up a brand new package of razorblades!
Maybe struggling with the cellophane a little bit, you know?
"Oh shit! There's always something! Goddam it!"
I just think that's interesting as hell!
That's probably the most interesting thing you can do with your life!
End it!
I don't think I could that, though! Could you? God!
I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it!
But I understand it, you know? I think I do...
I don't wonder about it! I don't wonder: "Why did he do that?"
"What was going through his mind?" You know what I wonder?
Where do you find the fucking time?
Who's got time to be committing suicide? Aren't you busy? I've got shit to do!
Suicide would be way down on my list...
...probably down past lighting my own house on fire!
Am I wanna try a little self-mutilation first?
You know? Take a couple of hunks out of my arm...
See if I like the general idea...!
Cause you gotta have priorities, man! You know?
And you gotta have a plan, too, for something like that! Gotta plan that shit!
People don't just run out the house and jump off a bridge!
There are things you have to decide!
Timing is important! When are you gonna do it?
"Welll, let me see it now...!"
"Wednesday's out. Gotta take Timmy to the circus...!"
"Survivors's on on Thursday!"
"Friday, I've got my colon cleansing..."
"Folks are coming over on Sunday..."
"Sunday...!"
By God, that'll be just the thing! Maybe Mum will find my body!
Serves her right for fucking me up the way she did!
Then you have to pick a method! How are you gonna do it?
Well, let me see it now...! I'm afraid of heights, that's no good!
Can't swallow pills, Don't like the sight of blood...!
Fucking ovens are electric...!
I'd lay out in front of a train, except damn track
ain't coming through here in thirty goddam years!
Maybe I'll just take a gun and shoot myself in the mouth!
Huh... Suppose I miss!
People'll be laughing at me!
Suppose I live...! I'd have a big fucking hole in my head!
I'd have to wear some kind of dumbass hat!
Well, I guess I'll just hang myself! That'll be good!
Gotta get a rope! Oh, shit! There's always something...!
I've got a rope in the garage...!
Ah! It's got a lot of grease and paint on it!
Don't want to get that stuff on my neck!
Wal-Mart is having a special on rope this weekend!
No sense in spending a lot of money to kill myself!
Then again, I can always put it on my credit card,
and never have to pay the fucking thing!
Eh, that's it, then! I'm hanging myself and Wal-Mart is paying for it!
What's next? A note...!
Oh, Jesus! Gotta express myself!
Hell, if I gotta express myself I wanna be thinking a note or something, I guess...
Where's the pen? Can never find a pen!
Told the kids not to move the pen away from that telephone! Goddam kids!
I'll just kill them, too!
Make it one of them family package deals!
Ah, here's a pen! I oughta jam it in my fucking neck and get it over with!
Let's see now...! Where do you put the date, upper left...?
I can never remember that...! "To whom it may concern..."
Huh... sounds kinda impersonal...
"Dear Marcelle..." Huh, leaves out the kids...
I know! "Hey, guys! Guess what?"
"Keep on reading! How are you? I hope you are fine!"
"I am not fine!"
"As you can no doubt tell from me hanging here from the ceiling fixture!"
"You were the ones who drove me to this!"
"I was doing just fine until you fuckers came along!"
"I hope you're happy now that I'm goddam dead!"
"Signed: The corpse in this room!"
"P.S. Fuck you, people!"
That would be a good note!
I don't think a writer could ever commit suicide, do you?
A writer would be too busy working on the note all goddam year!
Trying to get it just right!
First draft, second draft, third revision, whole new ending...!
And finally turning it into a book proposal and have a reason to live!
It won't work! I think about stuff like that!
It's interesting to me, like I said!
Certain things are interesting! Suicide is interesting!
Life is filled with interesting things! That's why I could never commit suicide!
I'm having too much fun! Keeping an eye on you, folks!
Watching what you do! Human behaviour! That's what I like!
Humans do some really interesting things!
Like, besides killing ourselves, we also kill each other!
Murder! And we're the only ones who do that, by the way!
We are the only species on earth that deliberately kills
members of their own species for personal gain...
Or pleasure! Sometimes it's just fun...!
We're also the only species that deliberately kill members of another species...!
...for personal gain, or pleasure! That's what hunters do! They kill for pleasure!
That's us! Human beings! Interesting folks! Murderous!
Here's an interesting form of murder we came up with...!
Assassination! Do you what's interesting about assassination!
Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry!
But it's also interesting to know who it is we assassinate!
Do you ever notice, stop to think who it is we kill...?
It's always people who told us to live together
in harmony and try to love one another...!
Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy,
Martin Luther King, Martha Rivers, Malcolm X, John Lennon...
They all said: "Try to live together peacefully!" BAM!
Right in the fucking head!
Apparently we're not ready for that!
Yeah! That's difficult behaviour for us!
We're too busy, thinking around, sitting around
trying to think up ways to kill each other!
Here's one we came up with! It's efficient, too!
Genocide! You know?
Killing large numbers of people simply 'cause they don't look like you, they don't talk like you
and they don't have the same kind of hats you do!
Did you ever notice that anytime you see two groups of people who really
hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kinds of hats!
Keep an eye on that! It might be important!
But anytime there's genocide there are always mass graves!
Every time we kill some dictator and go marching through his country...
...we always finds mass graves! Thousands and thousands
of dead bodies of people the dictator killed!
And everybody over here gets horrified! "Oh, mass graves! Mass graves! Oh!"
Oh, shit! What's a guy supposed to do with a
couple of thousand people he just killed?
Dig separate holes? Fuck that shit!
It's labor intensive! Get real!
The whole idea of killing a large number of
people at one time, in one place, is convenience!
Efficiency! Throw 'em in the fucking hole!
Look at it this way! At least the dictator had
the decency to throw a little dirt on them!
Give the guy some credit! Dictator's a busy man!
Got a lot in his mind!
Like trying to figure out who's planning to kill him!
So he can pick them up, put them in prison, and torture them!
Here's another of our interesting
heart-warming behaviours we came up with...
...somewhere along the way! Torturing each other!
You wanna hear a really cool torture that the romans invented?
They also used it as a form of capital punishment!
It's really creative!
They would take the guy in question, stuff him in a burlap sack,
seal the sack up real tight and throw him in the river, but...!
...and here's the creative part! Inside the sack, with the guy...!
...they would put a dog, a monkey and a snake! OK?
A dog, a monkey and a snake! That's fucking creative!
Imagine being inside a burlap sack in the water,
in the dark, sitting next to a drowning monkey...!
...think he'd be moving around a little bit?
The dog, he'll be going apeshit! We know that!
And the snake? Well, he'd probably be getting curious
about what all the activity was inside the sack!
He might do anything!
Whatever he did, it would probably involve venom ant its teeth!
You know what you'd be doing?
You'd be praying to God that the snake bit the monkey and the dog ate the snake!
Then it would be just you and the dog! Man and his best friend!
Drowning together! Maybe before you died you could teach him a few tricks!
Roll over and play dead wouldn't be too difficult, would it?
Just a thought! Just a playful thought!
By the way, I assume you've noticed that all
these activities I'm mentioning, murder...
...torture, genocide... These are all things human beings do!
Not animals! Those creatures we feel superior to!
This is us!
Here's another one of our spiritually uplifting activities!
We don't do this one much anymore! But it used to be really big!
Human sacrifice!
I miss that!
The Aztecs loved human sacrifice! And they were good at it!
Well, they got a lot of practice! For instance, around the year 1500...
...the aztecs sacrificed 18,000 people in one ceremony! OK?
18,000 people in one ceremony! Do you know what the occasion was?
They were opening a new temple!
Nothing like religion for a little entertainment, huh?
Specially that old-time religion!
Do you know how the aztecs went about their sacrificing? Here's how they did it...
They would do that right out in public, right in front
of everybody, big town, beautiful city square...
twenty, thirty thousand people looking on! They would take the guy...!
...lay him on an altar, cut his chest open, pull his heart out
and hold it up in the air while it was still beating! Got that?
Cut his chest open, pull his heart out and hold it up in the air while it was still beating!
Do you know what you call that? Theatre!
That's fucking theatre!
And although the procedure may have been a little too
crude to be considered the first bypass surgery...!
...it could easily be seen as an early form of organ donor programme!
The aztecs! Human beings! Just like us...
Not too long ago! 500 years! Columbus had already landed!
That was just south of here! Mexico!
By the way, those hearts didn't go to waste!
Because right after the ceremonies...
The royal family, naturally, would enjoy another one of our amusing activities...
Cannibalism! Imagine that! Chowing down on another human being!
You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man! You gotta be really fucking hungry!
But it happens, doesn't it? Still happens to this day!
A bunch of people? Stranded in the wilderness?
Run out of pop-tarts? Gotta eat something!
Might as well be Steve!
And how do you decide who to eat first?
How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack?
Do you pick on the little guy, 'cause he's skinny and he can't fight back?
...or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder
'cause he's got a lot of steaks and chops on?
These are things human beings have to consider!
One more of these charming diversions of ours!
Necrophilia! Huh? Now there's a hobby for you!
Fucking a corpse!
Takes a special kind of guy! Don't you think?
But it happens, it happens... More than you might think!
It happens among humans! Animals don't do that!
Animals don't fuck their dead!
A rat would do a lot of gross things!
But it would not fuck a dead rat!
It wouldn't even occur to him!
Only a human being would think...!
..to fuck someone who just died!
We gotta be the most interesting creatures on the planet...!
...and then we wonder why a UFO doesn't just land and say hello!
Do you know the best thing about necrophilia?
You don't have to bring flowers!
Yeah! Usually they're already there!
Isn't that nice? It's nice! It's convenient!
Human beings would do anything!
Anything! I am convinced!
That's why when all those beheadings started in Iraq, didn't bother me!
I took it right in stride! A lot of people here were horrified!
"Oh, beheadings! Beheadings!"
What are you, fucking surprised?
It's just one more form of extreme human behaviour!
Besides, who cares about some mercenary civilian
contractor from Oklahoma who gets its head cut off?
Fuck him! Fuck him!
Hey Jack! You don't wanna get your head cut off?
Stay the fuck in Oklahoma!
They don't cut no heads in Oklahoma! As far as I know!
But I do know this!
You strap on a gun and go struttin' around some other man's
country, you'd better be ready for some action, Jack!
You'd better be ready for some action! People are touchy about that sort of thing!
Let me ask you this, while I have you good, clean Americans here...!
This is a moral question... Not rhetorical, I'm looking for the answer!
What is the moral difference between
cutting off one guy's head, or two, or three, or five, or ten?
...and dropping a big bomb on a hospital and killing a whole bunch of sick kids?
Has anybody in authority given you an explanation of
the difference? I have not got an e-mail on this...
...no one would talk! We haven't got a postcard,
not a fucking instant message or nothing!
Now, in case you're wondering why I have a certain
interest and fascination, let's call it...
...with torture and beheadings, and all of these things I've mentioned...
...is because each of these items, reminds me in life...
every time I... one of them occurs, reminds me over and over again...
...what beasts we human beings really are, you know...
...when you get right down to it, when you get right down to it...!
...human beings are nothing more than ordinary jungle beasts! Savages!
No different from the Cromagnon people who lived 25,000 years ago,
in a place that seemed far as it can (unintelligible)
No different! Our DNA hasn't changed
substantially in a hundred thousand years!
We're still operating out of the lower brain!
The reptilian brain! Fight or flight! Kill or be killed!
Now, we like to think we've evolved and advanced...
...because we can build a computer, fly an airplane, travel underwater...
...we can write a sonnet, paint a painting, compose an opera... But you know something?
We're barely out of the jungle on this planet!
Barely out of the fucking jungle! What we are...
...is semi-civilized beasts...
...with baseball caps and automatic weapons!
And this civilization of ours, that we're so proud of...!
This civilization, with its so-called civilized behaviour...
Do you ever stop to realize how fragile all this is...?
How fragile the whole struc... How easily could
just break right down? Just break right down!
Wouldn't take much! Probably happen in less than two years!
Wouldn't take much to throw us right back into barbaric times!
All you have to do, would be eliminate electricity!
That's all! But completely! Eliminate electricity! So...
No electricity, no lights!
You're back to candles, and lanterns, campfires and bonfires...
Batteries couldn't be recharged...
Gerenators couldn't be refuelled, because fuel is pumped electrically...
So is water, by the way! So no lights, no fuel, no water...
No computers! And computers run everything!
And among the many things computers run, and they operate on electricity...
...are all of the security systems in all of our jails and prisons...!
...and nuthouses! So, suddenly...
...without electricity, all across america, the gates and cell doors...
...of penitentiaries and mental institutions would fly open...!
...and out would come all of our old friends!
...the ones who've been away... ...at camp!
Serial killers, mass murderers, felony rapists,
armed robbers, carjackers, home invaders...
Thieves, burglars, kidnappers, sadists, paedophiles, sexual predators, pimps...
Pushers, pornographers, speed freaks, crackheads, sick junkies...
All the ethnic street gangs! Black, Spanish and Asian gangs, Japanese yakuza...
Russian mafia, and neo-nazis, white supremacists, Sicilian hitmen...
Italian mobster, Jamaican and Colombian drug gangs...
And those are just the ones we caught...!
Let's not forget their counterparts! Still on the outside! Right now!
Waiting to hook up with their prison buddies!
So they can start a new organization!
The American Federation of Sociopaths! Just what the country needs!
Another special interest group!
Eight to ten million of them may be! Counting all the parolees,
and all the probationers, and the ones that have never been caught...
Eight to ten million! Bitter, angry,
violent, sexually hyperactive alpha-males...
...with nothing to do! No hobbies! No medications!
No scruples! Just a bunch of bad guys looking for a good time!
Maybe dropping by your house! "Hi! Hope we're not intruding!"
"Got any beer?
Oh, good! Well, I've got about fourteen hundred really thirsty guys here...!"
"How about women? Got any women?...
...Oh, just your wife, huh?"
"Well, I think we could make that work!"
"Now boys! There's a lady here... So I want you to mind your manners..."
"And wait your turn..."
Police wouldn't help you! They'd be gone at the first sign of trouble!
They'd be home protecting their own families...!
So would the Army and the National Guard! You'd be alone!
You'd be on your own! You'd be S.O.L. and J.W.F.!
"Shit out of luck and jolly-well fucked!"
After a couple of years of living like that...
...beheadings will be the least of your problems!
People will be lining up to be beheaded...!
So let's get back to suicide,
which now seems like a reasonable alternative...!
Suicide is an interesting topic to me...!
...because it's an inherently interesting decision!
To decide voluntarily not to exist anymore! It's profound!
You know what it is? It's the Ultimate Makeover!
That's why I think it belongs on television!
In this depraved culture we live in...?
...with all these reality shows? Suicide and television would be a natural!
I'll bet you can have an All-Suicide channel on cable TV!
I bet you! Shit! They've got all golf! What the fuck! Huh?
Goddam! Jesus!
Do you ever watch golf? It's like watching flies fuck!
If you can get a bunch of brainless assholes and insist
them to waste a sunny afternoon, on that kind of shit...
...you know you can get some people to watch them suicides...!
All day long! 24 hours a day! Nothing but suicides! Must-die TV!
You can get a lot of people watching that shit!
You can get a lot of people volunteering to be on it, too!
Just so their friends can see them on TV! People are fucking goofy!
You can get a lot of volunteers!
You can get all of them leftovers assholes on "Let's Make a Deal!"
They'll be lining up around the block! Pushing each other out the way!
Putting on them funny capes and caps and headpats
and make them up call themselves "Captain Suicide!"
Guys will be competing for most unusual methods!
People will be jumping off them silos, lighting
themselves on fire, putting rat poison on their taco...
Drinking "Mop-and-Glo", sticking mothballs up their ass...
You'd probably have some weird fuck show figure how to
kill himself with dental floss and a Stinger missile!
People are fucking goofy!
I bet you could find you a married couple! In this country? Shit!
I bet you! You can find a married couple!
In one of them trailer parks or something...
...who'd be perfectly willing to sit in a love seat...
...and blow each other's head off with shotguns!
...while a love song is playing! People are fucking nuts!
This country is full of nitwits and assholes!
Did you ever notice that?
Oh my goodness, yes! Oh my goodness, right!
Nitwits, assholes, fuck-ups, scumbags, jerk-offs and dipshits!
...and they all vote!
They all vote, yeah!
In fact, sometimes you get the impression they're the only ones who vote!
You can usually tell us they've doing the voting by looking at the fucking election returns!
Man, sure it ain't me out there wasting my time
in a meaningless activity like that!
You know those people on the Jerry Springer Show?
Those are the average Americans!
Oh yeah? Believe me! Below average can't get on the show!
Can't get on! Below average just sit at home watching that shit on TV!
Getting ready to go out and vote!
Filling out the sample ballot!
People are fucking dumb!
You can say what you want about this country! And I love this place!
I love the freedoms we used to have...
I love it! I love that! You know?
I loved it when it didn't take a fucking catastrophe
to get us to care for one another...
I love the fact that we're on camera all the time from all angles...
But you know? You can say what you want about America! I say, I love this place...
I wouldn't have it any other way, I wouldn't live in any other time in history, or any other place, but...
...Say what you want about America! Land of the free, home of the brave...
We've got some dumb-ass motherfuckers floatin' around in this country!
Dumb-ass motherfuckers! You know? Yeah!
Now, obviously, that doesn't include this audience! I understand that!
You seem intelligent and perceptive, but the rest of them...
Holy jump and fucking shitballs!
Dumber than a second coat of paint!
And this ain't just rant and raving! This ain't just blowin' off steam!
I've got a little evidence to support my claim!
It just seems to me, seems to me...
...that only a really low IQ population could
have taken this beautiful continent...
...this magnificent American landscape, that we inherited...
Well, actually, we stole it from the Mexicans and Indians, but...
Hey, it was nice when we stole it!
Looked pretty good, it was pristine...!
Paradise! Have you seen it lately?
Have you taken a good look at it lately? It's fucking embarrassing!
Only a nation of unenlightened half-wits...
...could have taken this beautiful place, and turned it into what it is today...
A shopping mall! A big fucking shopping mall!
You know that?
That's all you've got here, folks! Mile after mile of mall after mall!
Many, many malls! Major malls and mini-malls!
They put the mini-malls in between the major malls!
And in between the mini-malls they put the mini-marts!
And in between the mini-marts you've got the car lots,
gas stations, muffle shops, laundromats, cheap hotels...
...fast food joints, strip clubs and dirty bookstores...!
America, the beautiful! One big transcontinental commercial cesspool!
And how do the people feel about all this?
How do the people feel about living in a coast to coast shopping mall?
Well, they think it's JUST FUCKING DANDY!
They think it is cool as can be! 'Cause Americans love the mall!
They love the mall! That's where they get to
satisfy their two most prominent addictions!
At the same time! Shopping and eating!
Millions of semi-conscious americans, day after day, shuffling through the malls!
Shopping, and eating! Especially eating! Americans love to eat!
They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food!
Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheeseburgers,
deep-fried butter dip and pork fat, cheese whiz...
mayonnaise, soup, barbecue, mozzarella, paddy malts...
Americans will eat anything! Anything! Anything!
If you were selling saut�d racoon assholes on a stick...!
Americans would buy them and eat them!
...especially if you dip them in butter and put a little sauce on them!
This country is big time, pig time!
Forget the bald eagle! You know what the national emblem of this country ought to be?
A big bowl of macaroni and cheese!
A big bowl! 'Cause everything in this country is king-size!
King-size, extra-large and super-jumbo! Especially the fucking people!
Have you seen some of the people in this country?
Have you taken a good look at some of these big, fat motherfuckers walking around?
Big, fat motherfuckers?
Oh, my god! Huge piles of redundant protoplasm!
Lumbering through the malls, like a fleet of interstate buzzards!
The people in this country are immense!
Massive bellies! Monstruous thighs and big fat fucking asses!
And if you stand there for a minute, you look at one of them
and you begin to wonder...
"How does this woman take a shit?"
"How does she shit?"
And even more frightening, "How does she wipe her ass?"
"Can she even locate her asshole?"
She must require assistance!
"Are paramedics trained in this field?"
And standing right next to her, of course,
with a plate full of nachos and a mouthful of pie...
...her clueless fucking husband Joe Sixpack!
...with his monstruous swollen beer belly hangly dangerously over his belt...
Beer, belt, buckle! This guy ain't seen
his dick since the Nixon administration!
And if you stand there, and you look at the two of them,
you begin to wonder to yourself...
"Do these people fuck?"
"Is this man actually capable of fucking this woman?"
It doesn't seem structurally possible...!
...that these two people can achieve penetration!
Maybe they're into that soul-to-soul lay or something!
I'm telling you, the people in this country...
...are every half... everyone of them is 50 pounds overweight! They're gargantuan!
And in the summertime! God help us!
In the summertime they all wanna wear short pants!
Jesus Lord, protector of all that is good and Holy!
Deliver me from fat people in short pants!
They all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids!
Everyone of them has got two dumb-ass kids with them!
And the whole family is wearing T-shirts!
And everyone of them's got the same T-shirt! "I'm with stupid!"
Apparently, in this country, the Stupids are an extended family!
And besides of wearing them T-shirts, everyone in the family has got on a backpack!
They've got a backpack, strapped to their back,
so they can carry around lots of stupid shit!
And the reason they've got to carry this stupid shit strapped to their
backs is because their hands must remain free at all times to hold food!
...and to get that food up to the mouth where they can shovel in...!
...with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day!
And...
Another reason for the backpacks
is these people are gonna buy even more stupid shit!
They ain't got enough stupid shit at home!
They just had a stupid shit sale, they're gonna buy more!
They are gonna go out the parking lot and stuff this
stuff into the big, fat, ugly, oversized S.U.V....!
They've got plenty of room in it for the stupid shit
and lots of room left over for these big,
fat, ugly motherfuckers to get them home!
Stopping, of course, for jelly roll and fried dough!
These people are efficient, professional compulsive consumers!
It's their civic duty! Consumption! It's the new national pastime!
Fuck baseball! It's consumption!
The only true lasting American value that's left...!
Buying things! Buying things!
People spend the money they don't have on things they don't need!
Money they don't have on things they don't need!
So they can max up their credit cards and spend the rest of
their lives paying 18% interest on something that cost $12.50!
And they didn't like it when they got at home, anyway!
Not too bright, folks! Not too fucking bright!
But if you talk to one of them about this, the guys will be sitting down, rationally,
you talk to them about low IQs, and their dumb behavior, and their bad decisions...
...right away they start talking about education!
That's the big answer to everything! Education!
That's why we need more money for education!
We need more books, more teachers, more classrooms, more schools!
We need more testing for the kids!
They say: "Well, you know, we tried all of that
and the kids still can't pass the tests!"
They say: "Oh, don't you worry about that! We're gonna lower the passing grades!"
That's what they're doing at a lot of these schools!
Now they're lowering the passing grades so more kids can pass!
More kids pass, the school looks good, everybody's happy,
the IQ of the country steps another two or three points...
...and pretty soon all you need to get into College is a fucking pencil!
Got a pencil? Get the fuck in there! It's Physics!
Then everyone wonders why 17 other countries graduate more scientists than we do...
"Education!" Politicians know that word! They use it on you!
Politicians have traditionally hidden behind three things:
The flag, the Bible and children!
"No child left behind!", "No child left behind!"
Oh, really? Well, it wasn't long ago they were talking about giving kids a head start!
Head start? Left behind? Someone's losing fucking ground here!
But there's a reason, there's a reason, there's a reason for this...
There's a reason education sucks,
and it's the same reason that will never, ever, ever, be fixed...
It's never gonna get any better! Don't look for it!
Be happy with what you've got!
Because the owners of this country don't want that!
I'm talking about the real owners now,
The real owners! The big, wealthy business interests that
control things and make all the important decisions!
Forget the politicians!
The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice!
You don't!
You have no choice! You have owners! They own you!
They own everything! They own all the important land...
They own and control the corporations,
they've long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the State Houses, the City Halls...
They've got the judges in their back pockets,
and they all own all the big media companies, so they control...
...just about all the news and information you get to hear!
They got you by the balls!
They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying, lobbying to get what they want!
Well, we know what they want!
They want more for themselves, and less for everyboy else!
But I'll tell you what they don't want!
They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking!
They don't want well-informed, well-educated people
capable of critical thinking!
They're not interested in that! That doesn't help them!
That's against their interest! That's right!
They don't want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how
badly they're getting fucked by a system that threw it overboard thirty fucking years ago...
They don't want that! You know what they want? They want obedient workers!
Obedient workers!
People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork,
and just dumb enough to passively accept...
...all these increasingly shittier jobs, with the lower pay, the longer hours,
the reduced benefits, the end of overtime...
...and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it,
and now they're coming for your social security money!
They want your fucking retirement money! They want it back!
So they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street!
And you know something? They'll get it! They'll get it all from you sooner or later!
'Cause they own this fucking place! It's a big club! And you ain't in it!
You and I are not in the big club!
By the way, it's the same big club that used to beat you over
the head with all day long and they tell you what to believe...
All day long, beating you over the head in the media,
telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy...
The table is tilted, folks! The game is rigged!
And nobody seems to notice, and nobody seems to care!
Good honest, hard-working people! White collar, blue collar...
Doesn't matter what colour shirt you have on!
Good honest, hard-working people continue...
These are people of modest means...!
...continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don't give a fuck about them!
They don't give a fuck about you! They don't care about you!
At all! At all! At all! Yeah! You know?
And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care...
That's what the owners count on!
The fact that Americans will probably remain...
...wilfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue
dick that's being jammed up their assholes every day...
Because the owners of this country know the truth!
It's called the American dream...
...'cause you have to be asleep to believe it!
But, say what you want about American folks! Yeah!
You can say what you want about Americans,
you can call 'em smart, dumb, ignorant, innocent,
naive, gullible. easily-led, whatever you want...
You're gonna have to deal with them, 'cause you're in the television business now!
You've got the All-Suicide Channel on cable TV!
You need these people as viewers, you need people looking in!
You gotta worry about your ratings!
You're gonna have to be thinking about sweeps months!
Most folks know what sweeps months are! Those are the more important sweeps
ratings, months of the year when they pull out on the biggest attractions
and their highest stars, trying to pump out their ratings a little bit,
get their local stations to adjust their advertising needs...
You're gonna have to compete with the mentality of Network television!
And I think, on an All-Suicide Channel...
During sweeps months? You're gonna have to go mass suicides!
Big, public events where hundreds of people kill themselves all at the same time,...
...right on Live TV!
And I've been wresting with the way to do this! I've been trying to figure this out -
I swear to God! This is the truth! I've been trying to figure this part of it out...
...for six months now, and I only recently having, so I'm gonna tell you about it... Now!
We're gonna have to get lots and lots of people to kill themselves on demand!
How are we gonna do this? That's the question!
How are gonna get large numbers of people to commit suicide at a time and place of our choosing?
And I mean large numbers! Because don't forget! Besides sweeps,
we're gonna have to be thinking about 24-hour a day programming!
So, to make this work, we need organization! We need a system!
Can't just sit around the studio all day long and wait for people to drop by and commit suicide!
What we have to do is build a large pool of hopeless people!
Suicide volunteers! People with no hope! People whom society has given up on,
faith has given up on, or who have given up on themselves!
Rock-bottom, dead-end, totally fucked-up people with no hope
and no reason to live! And we got our share of them, folks!
Think of it as a pyramid, that will give you a visual fix-on!
Think of it as a pyramid! The pyramid of the hopeless!
We're gonna start building this pyramid at the very base, naturally,
and the bottom layer is gonna be... homeless people!
God knows we've got plenty of them! Nobody gives a fuck about them, nobody's got a plan,
nobody's got any money, nobody's got a programme, nobody gives a fuck!
...about homeless people! We don't know how many we have, even!
We know 500,000 of them are veterans, 'cause we're so good to the veterans in this country...
...and we know about 1,400,000 of them are children!
...so we got a million and a half children, then God knows how many more we've got!
Totally fucking hopeless! In the pyramid they go!
And the next group we're gonna put in here, these are the people in prison!
With these long sentences they've been given...
Many of them deserved, I'll grant you that!
I'm sure half the people in prison are in there for things they really did...
That's not a bad average, one out of two!
But nobody gives a shit about these people,
nobody's gonna hire them if they do get out! They're never gonna get out, rehabilitation doesn't work...
And the judges give them these fucking draconian sentences, 40, 50, 60,
70, 80, 100 years sentences, life-term, double life!
One guy, about a month ago, was given three
consecutive life-terms, plus two death penalties!
How the fuck do you serve that?
Even David Copperfield can't do that shit!
In order to do that, you have to be a hindu!
And then you've got the people on death row! They ain't going anywhere!
In the fucking pyramid they go!
Now the next layer, this group is self-selected!
Self-selected! And a bit controversial to some of you, I guess!
These are these people who claim to be depressed! OK?
Apparently, in this land of plenty...
..this richest nation in the history of the world, we're so proud of saying that!
Some supermarkets have 100,000 items in them...
...we have 19,000,000 Americans claiming to be depressed,
and some of them taking medicine for it!
Sometimes the medicine makes them want to commit suicide,
and that depresses the shit out of the rest of them!
Then you have these people who only think they are depressed,
'cause they saw the commercial on TV and the doctor looked like a good guy...
The music sounded kind of peppy, and what the fuck!
Some of these pills are probably just pick me right up...!
Totally fucking hopeless minds... In the fucking pyramid!
Up at the very top we are gonna put the people who are truly sick!
The terminally ill, unfortunately.
No hope for a lot of them! Hundreds of thosands of them,
there's no cure for what they have...
There's no cure 'cause nobody's looking for one!
There aren't enough people sick, so there ain't no money in the fucking cure...
Then there's people who've got... There's a cure, but they don't have the money for it,
or there's a cure but they're too far gone, or there's no social means to get to it...
...so these people ain't going anywhere, they should be allowed to commit suicide...
In the fucking pyramid they go!
Now, think of what you got here, folks!
Think of yourselves as the executive vice-president
of programming at the All-Suicide Channel!
Think of what you have to work with in the pyramid of the hopeless!
You've have homeless, imprisoned, condemned...
...depressed and terminally ill people!
And I'm gonna bet you anything! In this depraved culture of ours,
bet you anything...
...with the reality-show mentality we have, on the All-Suicide Channel
you could get five hundred...
...of these hopeless people, to hold hands and jump into the Grand Canyon!
I'll fucking bet you! You can get that done in this country right this now!
I'll bet you! For money! You gotta give them something, you know, you've gotta...
Oh, shit! They're Americans! They're for sale! Give them a little something!
Americans will do anything, but you gotta give them a toaster, don't you?
Give them a little prize of some kind! Everybody wants a gizmo! Give'em a gizmo!
Give them a cellphone, give them a laptop!
Give them a cellphone which takes the picture of a laptop!
Give them a laptop which takes the picture of a cellphone!
Give one of them three-wheeled vehicles, give them an all-terrain vehicle!
Give them one of them ride-on lawnmowers, give them a snowblower,
give them an outdoor barbecue, or a jetski...
Give them one of them things that they buy for themselves when they're trying
to take their minds off of how badly they're getting fucked by the system...!
I know what you do! Just before these people jump,
you give them a hat with a camera in it!
And you tell them it's Jump-Cam!
Tell them you send the video home to the family!
T-Shirt! Who don't want a T-Shirt!? Everybody does! Give them a nice T-Shirt!
"I commited suicide and all I got was a stupid fucking T-Shirt!"
Alright? Now!
If you wanna really raise the profile of this promotion,
get some of those Evangelical Christians to volunteer for it...
And you call it "Jump for Jesus!"
"Jump for Jesus!" They would buy it! They would go for it!
Hey, you gotta be fair about these Christians!
They've come in for a lot of abuse these days...
You do have to be fair! All a Christian really wants out of life is to die!
And go see Jesus!
Give them a helping hand!
Do the Christian thing!
Tell them it's a shortcut to heaven!
Mention the word "martyr!" Works on the Muslims, works on
the Catholics, might work on these folks, you never know!
Hey! I know...
Give them a little encouragement!
Go on, you fanatical fucks! He's down there! He's down there!
He's down there! He's at the bottom of the Canyon!
Look for the man with the glowing head!
Oh, you're gonna have a lot of fun with a channel like that!
But you know something, folks? Maybe you don't wanna be on cable! It is a limited audience...
You might wanna widen out, get more people looking in!
You're gonna have to go to one of the Big Broadcast Networks...
And I don't know about you, but when I think about suicide and Broadcast Network television,
I'm thinking Fox, Huh?
I'm telling you, Fox!
If the people at Fox aren't sitting around and having meetings about an idea like this,
they ain't doing their goddam jobs over there...!
You put this thing on Fox, get Budweisser to sponsor it!
Budweisser and a whole bunch of car companies,
so people we think about drinking and driving at the same time...
Ain't that fun to watch the sporting events on American Television?
"Drink this, drive that, fuck you!" They don't care!
They don't give a shit about you!
And then every now and then they qualify the whole message!
"Drink responsably!"
So you put this thing on Fox, and if you do, if you do
or in any Broadcast Network...
You're gonna have to bring in that younger audience!
Everybody knows that!
That's what the advertisers are looking for, it's 18 to 24 year olds
You're gonna have to get young people interested in this!
You know how you get young people interested in suicide?
You don't call it suicide!
You call it "Extreme Living!"
They would go for it!
Listen, young people are attracted to suicide in the first place!
Did you know suicide is the third leading cause of death between 15 and 24?
It's the third! Ninth in the general population!
That'll give you an idea of how popular
this after-school activity has become...!
...among our teenage folks! Especially these young boys...
...these adolescent males,
and a lot of them, you know? A lot of them...
They kill themselves when they're jerking off...!
They don't mean to! It just happens!
You know about that? Yeah! Some of you know! I can tell!
A lot of people don't know that! A lot of people never heard of that, you know?
It's just one of those things Americans can't handle!
"We can't handle that! We don't talk about that!"
It's not on "Larry King" "Laverne Dane" and "Barbara Walters!"
You ain't gonna see it in People magazine, but it's out there, folks...
It's out there! And it's extremely common!
You just ask any teenage boy you know, who trusts you!
Ask him what he knows or what he's heard about...
...cutting off your air supply
just at the moment you're about to have a sexual release...
He is gonna tell you an interesting story or two!
The kids call it "scarfing", 'cause some of them use scarfs to do it!
Or screw the kids! Just get on the internet! Do it yourselves!
Google in the words "auto erotic asphyxia!"
"Auto erotic asphyxia", is the practice...
...of cutting off the oxygen to the brain at the last moment
during masturbation in order to heighten the orgasm...
and when I say "common"... A thousand kids a year die this way! OK?
A thousand of them die! So think how many of them are...
...trying to pull this off! If you pardon the little pun I'm throwin' in
...just to lighten the mood!
But here's the way it works! Apparently! I've never tried! It sounded risky to me!
Well, jerking off is all I need! You know what I mean, folks!
I ain't trying to double my money! Fuck that shit!
I just jerk off, wipe off my chest, get up and go to work, you know? That's it!
Nothing fancy! At our house we're simple folk!
But here's the way it's supposed to work!
And this is why it's such a big attraction in the first place!
Apparently it is true! Medically, phisiologically speaking...
...that if you can cut off your air supply, the oxygen to your brain...
...just at the moment you're about to have an orgasm, the orgasm is about...
...I don't know! Let's say 500 times better!
Something like that! It's incredibly intense!
So, what you gotta do, is stand up on a chair,
or bucket, or some kind of thing...
...you put a rope around your neck, and you start jerking off...!
And while you're pulling your pod,
while you're pulling your pod, you have to arrange...
...to almost strangle yourself just before you have an orgasm...
And by the way, while all this activity is going on, you gotta maintain a hard-on!
...which ain't easy, 'cause you might just be getting ready to buy the farm...
...so you'd better be fantasizing about someone you really like...!
...or some thing you really like, I don't know what that my be!
Maybe getting fucked in the ass by a Game Warden, who knows?
Hey, I'm not here to judge! We are all different! To each his own!
So let's recap...!
Standing on a chair, rope around your neck, peter in your hand...!
Now you have to time it just right!
So that before you come, you almost die!
And sometimes you miscalculate...!
You don't know if you're coming or going!
No way to know! No way to know!
And the parents of these kids are to embarrassed to tell the police!
So the put the kid's dick away and they say: "He had poor grades!"
"His girlfriend left him!"
"Oh, well, no wonder, lady! Look at his fucking hobbies!"
Then they blame it on Heavy Metal, you know!
I don't know if you remember that, but from that old incident, there...
...some years back - Judas Priest, or one of them headbanging bands,
somebody played a song and after that they killed themselves, and so they blamed...
...suicide, and Heavy Metal...
If it's murder, they tend to blame Rap these days, but...
...it's never the parents!
Did you ever notice this? Parents apparently play no part...
...in the development and outcome of these kids! Parents...
You know, they can raise a kid apparently, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 years,
but if he turns out fucked up! Boy, they have nothing to do with that!
"Must be those kids at the parking lot he hangs around with!"
Parents gotta be among the most full of shit people in the world!
Well, they always have been! Top to bottom! Front to back!
Listen, in fairness, it comes with the job!
If you wanna be a parent, you gotta be full of shit, at least half the time!
Look at it this way! They have it both ways!
If the kid turns out to be a loser, they have nothing to do with that...!
But boy, if he's a winner, got a scholarship or something like that?
Man, they're are the first ones out there raising their hands, trying to get a little credit...!
It's a nice state of mind if you can talk yourselves into believing it...!
But these are the kind of things I think about when I'm sitting home alone,
during an electrical storm, waiting for the parole officer to give me a call...
...and these ideas come floating into my head!
Just floating right in! Unbidden!
I'm not asking for these things!
I'm a vessel!
I'm a mere vessel! In come these thoughts!
And some of them are a little offbeat!
I'm gonna grant you that!
I was thinking about these younger women who got buried today!
You ever think about them? Probably not!
But I was thinking about these younger women who died three or four days ago,
got buried today...
And some of them had a bad heart, you know? Some of them had a bad kidney...
...but a lot of them had perfectly good pussies!
Good pussies, nice tits, reasonably tight assholes...!
Going to waste!
In the ground!
It just seems a shame to me!
That some fine young pussy...!
...should be rotting away six feet under!
Because you'd think, in this era...
...that if you can donate a heart...
...to someone who needs one...
...there oughta be a way to recycle some of these pussies...
And get them to people who need them!
Some old guy living up in the mountains! "Whoa...!"
"Holy shit! Look at this fucking thing! This is great!
Thank you very much, sir! I appreciate this! Thank you, thank you!
Thank you! God bless you! You're doing God's work!
I hope you know that! Don't you?
Hey, this is better than Publisher's Clearing House!
Listen here, buddy...
You ain't got a red-head of one of this, by any chance, don't you?
No, I didn't think so! I never had one of them myself, thank you very much...!
Listen here, this is the real thing, ain't it?
This ain't one of them storebook pussies you see at the old bookstore?
Huh? What's that? Oh, OK! Hold on! Just a second!
Whoa...!
Jesus Christ on a cracker! That's the real fucking thing!
I'd recognize that son of a bitch anywhere! That straightened out my nose hairs!
I'd better get this sucker home and get into the refrigerator quick as I can!
The "Save-A-Pussy Foundation!" Give the gift that keeps on giving!
Fuck the whales! Save the pussy!
But you wouldn't wanna save all of them!
Not all of them! Some of them are worn out!
Oh, you wouldn't want one of them big old rubbery things! That ain't no good!
What you want is something nice and tight, but flexible!
Maybe they have an age limit! Or a mileage check!
You know, you figure out the average length of the average dick,
the average number of thusts per event, the average number
of events per lifetime... You've got that lady's mileage!
And you women, I don't want you to think I wanna leave you out of the fun!
We're gonna get you a nice set of cock and balls, OK?
We'll get you something nice just after rigor mortis sets in!
Tell the truth, ladies! Wouldn't you like a nice set of cock
and balls without all the bullshit that comes with them?
Huh? Fucking-A!
We'll get you something nice to keep it on the nightstand!
It's really easy to find in the dark!
And if your mother comes over... Put a hat on it!
Well, somebody's got to think of these things! Apparently, I've been appointed!
I was dancing with a woman! She told me she had a yeast infection!
I said: "Bag me a fucking loaf of bread!"
A couple of corn muffins, a jelly doughnut, I don't give a shit!
I'm always in the market for quality baked goods!
You couldn't squeeze a birthday cake out of that thing by any chance, could you, huh?
No, no, I didn't think so... No pressure, honey! No pressure at all!
Why don't you just turn around and give me a nice pineapple upside-down cake?
And a dozen oatmeal cookies! Skip the raisins!
X-nay on the aisins-ray...!
Well, I think it is certainly apparent by now...
...that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess...
I like things that are excessive!
I like excessive behaviour, excessive language, excessive violence...
It's fun! It's interesting! It's exciting! I like it when nature is excessive...
That's why I like natural disasters!
All these natural disasters that have been going on....
I fucking love them! I can't get enough of them!
Oh, when nature is going crazy,
throwing things around, scaring people and destroying property..
...I'm a happy fucking guy! I'm a happy fucking guy!
I look at it this way! For centuries now...
...man has done everything he can
to destroy, defile and interfere with nature!
Clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains,
poisoning the atmosphere...
...over-fishing the oceans, polluting
the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquiferes...
...so when nature strikes back,
and smashes man in the head and kicks him in the nuts...
I enjoy that! I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever...!
None!
And no matter what kind of problem homans are facing,
whether it's natural or man-made...
I always hope it gets worse! Don't you? Don't you?
Don't you have a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse?
When you see a big fire on TV... Don't you hope it spreads?
Don't you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties?
You don't root for the firemen, do you?
I mean, I don't want them to get hurt or nothing, but...
I don't want them putting out my fire! That's my fire!
That's nature! Showing off and having fun!
You know something else I like? Those spring floods in the Midwest!
Aren't they great? Like clockwork! Spring floods in the Midwest!
But I'm starting to notice, I'm starting to catch on
that every year it's the same story!
Another flood, in the same place,
with the same people on the same river... Same fucking people!
And these people will not move! They will not fucking move!
They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper
and they move right back into the same fucking
house, on the floodplain, next to the river...
...and then they wonder why grandma's floating downstream
with a parakeet on her head!
Fourth time, again! Fourth fucking tine!
There's no learning curve with these people!
It's very hard to feel sorry for them!
Every year! Same people! Same rowboats!
Out there, paddling around... Rescuing a chicken!
What the fuck kind of a life is that? "Well, our kids love it here!"
Oh, really? What have they got? Gills?
And while they're showing all that shit on the screen,
the announcer is saying to me...
"It's been raining steadily for three months now,
the ground can't hold any more water,
the river is cresty higher than it has in two centuries,
the levees are washed away..."
...and I just hope it keeps raining! And raining, and raining, and raining...!
...and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining...
...and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining!
and it rains steadily for five years!
And then, after that, for ten years it's cloudy!
With occasional showers!
And the river never returns to its natural banks!
And becomes a completely new river!
And the borders of three states have to be changed!
And all the maps and atlases have to be redrawn and reprinted!
And no-one's couch ever completely dries out!
For years and years, every time they sit down, there's always a little "squish!"
"Dan, Linda! Come on in you guys! Have a seat!" (Squish, squish)
I like that! I'm an interesting guy!
I always hope that no matter how small the original problem is,
it's gonna grow into bigger and bigger proportions, until it gets completely out of control,
and I'll give you a concrete example...
Let's say a water main breaks in downtown Los Angeles,
and it floods an electrical substation, knocking out all the traffic lights
and tying up the entire city, and emergency vehicles can't get through!
and at the same time, one of those month-long global warming heatwaves comes along,
but there's no air conditioning, there's no water for sanitation...
So cholera, smallpox and dysentery break out,
and thousands of people start dying in the streets!
But before they die, parasites eat their brains!
...and they go completely fucking crazy, and they storm the hospital,
but the hospital can't handle all the casualties,
so these people rape all the nurses and set the hospital on fire...!
...and the flames drive them ever crazier,
so they start stabbing social workers and garbage men...!
And a big wind comes along, and the entire city goes up in flames,
and the people who are still healthy, they get mad at the sick people
and they start crucifying them! Nailing them into crosses,
trying on their underwear, shit like that!
Then everybody smokes crack, and PCP and they march on City Hall,
where they burn the Mayor at the stake, strangle his wife,
and take turns sodomizing the statue of Larry Flint!
And at this point, it looks like pretty soon
things are gonna start to get out of control!
So everybody panics, and tries to leave the city at the same time,
and they trample each other to death in the streets by the thousands,
and wild dogs eat their corpses...
...and the wild dogs chase the rest of the people down the highway,
and one by one the dogs pick up the old fucks and the slow people,
'cause they're in the fast lane, where they don't belong!
Get the fuck out of the fast lane if you're an old fuck,
if you're a slow fuck! Get over on the right! And then...
And the lucky ones, the lucky people who managed
to make it all the way outside of town, they discover when they get there,
that big sparks from the city have lit the suburbs on fire...!
...and the suburbs burn uncontrollolably,
and thousands of identical homes, of identical fires with identical smoke...
...killing all the identical soccer moms,
and their identical kids named Jason and Jennifer...!
And now the fire spreads on the farmlands,
and the farmlands burn intensely, at 425 degrees,
creating millions of baked potatoes, and...
...as the farmlands burn,
thousands of barns and farmhouses begin to explode
from all the heat and metamphetamine labs!
...and the meth chemicals run down into the rivers and streams,
while wild animals drink the water and get completely geeked on speed!
So bears and wolves amped up on crank
start roaming the countryside looking for people to eat!
Even though they're not really hungry!
And the fire spreads through the forests, and the forests burn furiously,
and hundreds of elves and trolls and fairies
come running out of the woods, screaming: "Bambi's dead! Bambi's dead!"
And he is! He is! Finally that fucking little
cunt Bambi is dead! Dead!
Now, hundreds of regional fires come together
into one huge interstate inferno...!
...and all twelve of the western United States are burning out of control....!
Except Utah, where the mormons don't love fires...
And the fires spread across the great plains,
toasting the wheat, cooking the cattle and producing...
hamburgers, actually!
And it leads to Mississippi, and rinses thru the South,
blowing up stills, interrupting lynchings
and killing millions of in-bred people, and then -
...it turns north-east and heads for Washington D.C.,
where George Bush can't decide if it's an emergency or not!
I can't decide this! He doesn't know!
It's hard work! You know?
He can't decide because Dick Cheney is in prison! So...
...instead he takes a nap!
He puts his empty fucking brainless head down on the little pillow
his mother gave him at Christmas time, and he takes a fucking nap...!
So the fire moves to Philadelphia, but it's a weekend,
and Philadelphia is closed on the weekends...
So the fire moves to New York City, and the people in New York
tell the fire to go fuck itself! "Go fuck yourself!" And it does...!
And it does! So instead it burns Long Island and Connecticut,
killing all the rich white assholes
and completely destroying their evil faggoty golf courses!
And while all this is going on, Canada burns to the ground, but nobody notices!
And now the entire North American continent is on fire,
producing a huge thermal object, and creating an incendiary
cyclonic macrosystem that forms a hemispheric megastorm...
...breaking down the molecular structure of the atmosphere
and actually changing the laws of nature! Fire and water combine!
Burning clouds of flaming rain fall upward!
Gamma rays and solar winds ignite ionosphere
creating a huge cloud of ionized plasma!
Bolts of lightning twenty million miles long begin shooting out of the North Pole, and...
...the sky fills up with green shit!
And then, suddenly, the entire fabric
of space-time splits in two...!
A huge crack in the universe open!
And all the dead people from the past begin falling through...!
...Babe Ruth, Groucho Marx, Davy Crockett, Tiny Tim,
Porky Pig, Hitler, Janis Joplin, Alan Ladd...
My uncle Dave! Your uncle Dave!
Everybody's uncle Dave! An endless stream of dead uncle Daves falling thru the crack!
And all the dead uncle Daves gather around the heavenly kitchen table...!
They light up cigarettes and then they begin to talk!
They talk about how they never got a break...!
How their parents didn't love them and their children were ungrateful!
They talk about how the government screwed them out of money,
and they just missed out on a big job...!
They say the Jews own everything, and the blacks get special treatment...!
And all the hatred and bitterness, drips out of these people,
and forms a big pool of liquid hate...
...and the pool of liquid hate begins to spin!
Round and round it spins, faster and faster!
And the faster it spins, the bigger it gets...!
...faster and faster, bigger and bigger,
until the whirling pool of hate is bigger than the entire universe,
and then suddenly it explodes into trillions of tiny stars...
And every star has a trillion planets,
and every planet has a trillion uncle Daves...
And all the uncle Daves have good jobs, perfect eyesight and shoes that fit...
They have great sex lives and free health care,
They understand the internet, their kids think they're cool,
and they all love their neighbours...
And every week, without fail, uncle Dave wins the lottery...
...forever and ever, till the end of time,
every single uncle Dave has a winning ticket,
and uncle Dave is finally happy!
Now do you see why I like it when nature gets even with humans...?
Thanks for coming in here tonight!
Thank you! See you later!