1 00:00:45,260 --> 00:00:46,454 Thank you! 2 00:00:50,874 --> 00:00:53,311 Thank you! Thank you! 3 00:00:56,297 --> 00:00:57,741 Go! 4 00:01:02,992 --> 00:01:06,242 Thank you very much! Thank you! 5 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:11,016 I'm a modern man! A man for the millennium! Digital and smoke-free! 6 00:01:11,136 --> 00:01:13,920 A diversified, multi-cultural post-modern deconstructionist... 7 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,800 ...politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect... 8 00:01:16,949 --> 00:01:19,752 I've been uplinked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced... 9 00:01:19,806 --> 00:01:23,054 I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading... 10 00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,817 I'm a high-tech low-life! A cutting-edge, state of the art... 11 00:01:25,848 --> 00:01:30,505 bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! 12 00:01:30,897 --> 00:01:34,990 I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school; and my inner child is outward-bound... 13 00:01:35,015 --> 00:01:37,432 I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer... 14 00:01:37,457 --> 00:01:39,547 ...and I'm voice-activated and bio-degradable... 15 00:01:39,572 --> 00:01:42,457 I interface with my database; and my database is in cyberspace... 16 00:01:42,577 --> 00:01:47,153 ...so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive and from time to time I'm radioactive! 17 00:01:51,364 --> 00:01:53,402 Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin' 18 00:01:53,427 --> 00:01:55,505 the wave, dodgin' the bullet, pushin' the envelope! 19 00:01:55,601 --> 00:01:58,377 I'm on point, on task, on message and off drugs! 20 00:01:58,497 --> 00:02:01,813 I've got no need for coke and speed! I've got no urge to binge and purge! 21 00:02:01,933 --> 00:02:04,842 I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar... 22 00:02:04,962 --> 00:02:07,871 A high-concept, low profile, medium-range ballistic missionary... 23 00:02:07,991 --> 00:02:10,791 A street-wise smart bomb, a top-gun bottom-feeder... 24 00:02:10,911 --> 00:02:14,570 I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps... 25 00:02:14,813 --> 00:02:18,969 I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach... 26 00:02:19,089 --> 00:02:25,465 A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic; out of rehab and in denial! 27 00:02:31,976 --> 00:02:33,867 I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, 28 00:02:33,906 --> 00:02:36,556 a personal assistant and a personal agenda! 29 00:02:36,652 --> 00:02:39,193 You can't shut me up! You can't dumb me down! 30 00:02:39,313 --> 00:02:43,811 'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless, I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers. 31 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:48,524 I'm a non-believer, I'm an over-achiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward. 32 00:02:48,644 --> 00:02:50,888 Up-front, down-home, low rent, high-maintenance! 33 00:02:51,008 --> 00:02:55,232 Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last! 34 00:02:55,266 --> 00:02:57,248 I'm a hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk, head case; 35 00:02:57,273 --> 00:02:58,692 prematurely post-traumatic... 36 00:02:58,788 --> 00:03:02,065 ...and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail! 37 00:03:03,074 --> 00:03:05,915 But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing... 38 00:03:06,035 --> 00:03:08,765 A supporting, bonding, nurturing primary-care giver... 39 00:03:08,885 --> 00:03:12,585 My output is down, but my income is up! I take a short position on the long bond, 40 00:03:12,705 --> 00:03:14,727 ...and my revenue stream has its own cash flow. 41 00:03:14,847 --> 00:03:18,602 I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports... 42 00:03:18,722 --> 00:03:24,931 I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant! 43 00:03:25,899 --> 00:03:30,908 I like rough sex; I like tough love, I use the f-word in my e-mail... 44 00:03:31,028 --> 00:03:34,705 ...and the software on my hard drive is hard-core - No soft porn! 45 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:38,403 I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a mini-van at a mega-store... 46 00:03:38,523 --> 00:03:41,441 I eat fast-food in the slow lane, I'm toll-free, 47 00:03:41,466 --> 00:03:44,561 bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes! 48 00:03:44,657 --> 00:03:47,055 A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, 49 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,825 clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle! 50 00:03:49,850 --> 00:03:52,858 I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, 51 00:03:52,889 --> 00:03:55,949 pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and... 52 00:03:56,045 --> 00:04:00,602 I have an unlimited broadband capacity! 53 00:04:06,540 --> 00:04:08,831 I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal. 54 00:04:08,856 --> 00:04:11,661 Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock! 55 00:04:11,757 --> 00:04:15,129 Rough, tough, and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow... 56 00:04:15,249 --> 00:04:17,468 I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride... 57 00:04:17,588 --> 00:04:21,283 Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin', jivin' and groovin, wailin' and winnin'... 58 00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:22,981 I don't snooze, so I don't lose! 59 00:04:23,006 --> 00:04:25,332 I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road... 60 00:04:25,395 --> 00:04:28,201 I party hearty! And lunchtime is crunch time. 61 00:04:28,321 --> 00:04:30,324 I'm hangin' in, there ain't no doubt... 62 00:04:30,444 --> 00:04:34,443 ...and I'm hangin' tough. Over and out! 63 00:04:36,429 --> 00:04:38,914 Thank you! Thank you! 64 00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:41,585 Thank you very much! 65 00:04:42,220 --> 00:04:45,175 Way to go! Thank you! 66 00:04:48,042 --> 00:04:53,012 Hey! I've got 341 days over and next year's my 50th anniversary in show business... 67 00:04:53,132 --> 00:04:56,495 ...so let's do a fucking show! Huh? 68 00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:09,720 You know some people don't talk about' em in public anymore? Pussyfarts! 69 00:05:19,190 --> 00:05:21,724 So, anyway... 70 00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:25,785 I said that on my last HBO show and apparently 71 00:05:25,810 --> 00:05:28,304 some people don't know what a pussyfart is...! 72 00:05:28,974 --> 00:05:31,782 ...'cause I got some inquiries... 73 00:05:31,902 --> 00:05:33,650 Here's the deal! 74 00:05:33,770 --> 00:05:36,742 A pussyfart is like when you're making love to a woman... 75 00:05:36,862 --> 00:05:39,951 ...who's got a little extra air in her vagina... 76 00:05:40,071 --> 00:05:42,446 ...and every time you thrust forward there's kind of a... 77 00:05:58,404 --> 00:06:00,294 And the two of you, just lyin' there, each 78 00:06:00,357 --> 00:06:02,396 is wonderin' if the other one farted... 79 00:06:03,462 --> 00:06:07,630 And the man is usually thinking: "Maybe she farts when she comes!" 80 00:06:08,658 --> 00:06:11,514 "Maybe she took a shit!" 81 00:06:11,847 --> 00:06:15,692 "Man, I gotta stay out of that fucking bar!" 82 00:06:20,829 --> 00:06:24,518 Another word you don't hear too often is "Dingleberries!" 83 00:06:25,115 --> 00:06:28,382 You know? You never hear it in "Meet the Press?" 84 00:06:28,792 --> 00:06:32,706 The dingleberry solution, the dingleberry-gate... Nothing! 85 00:06:32,970 --> 00:06:35,496 I guess this is 'cause "dingleberries" is one of them 86 00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:38,140 words you don't say too much past your tenth birthday! 87 00:06:38,686 --> 00:06:40,954 It't not a grown-up's word! It's a kid's word! 88 00:06:41,006 --> 00:06:42,415 "Dingleberries!" 89 00:06:43,291 --> 00:06:46,927 Always sounded kinda Christmasy to me! 90 00:06:47,296 --> 00:06:51,533 Won't you say there's a holiday ring to it? "Dingleberries!" 91 00:06:51,819 --> 00:06:56,042 "John, you may want to hang some dingleberries over the front door!" 92 00:06:56,302 --> 00:07:00,812 "And when Mary Ann comes over she can kiss you under the Dingleberries!" 93 00:07:01,086 --> 00:07:05,596 It is to be devoutedly wished that she would kiss me... 94 00:07:05,716 --> 00:07:08,467 ...under the Dingleberries! 95 00:07:08,876 --> 00:07:11,993 "Cornhole" is another word you don't hear enough! 96 00:07:12,113 --> 00:07:14,336 You don't hear that nearly enough, you know! 97 00:07:14,361 --> 00:07:15,940 It's a good word! A solid word! 98 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,183 It's a tough word! It's a man's kind of word! 99 00:07:18,277 --> 00:07:19,931 It's got a masculine sound! 100 00:07:20,027 --> 00:07:23,857 Like "shotgun", and "ashcan", and "tow-truck"...! 101 00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,385 "Cornhole!" 102 00:07:26,505 --> 00:07:29,419 Everything's been sanitized now, and cleaned up! 103 00:07:29,497 --> 00:07:32,239 First with these fucking Christians, let's just start with them! 104 00:07:39,109 --> 00:07:44,663 Let's not leave out these PC campus liberal assholes! 105 00:07:44,710 --> 00:07:47,293 They're just as fucking bad from a different direction! 106 00:07:47,529 --> 00:07:50,083 But's everything's different! Everything's been 107 00:07:50,169 --> 00:07:54,455 polished up! It's "anal intercourse", "anal rape!" 108 00:07:54,663 --> 00:07:57,766 Bullshit! Cornhole! 109 00:08:00,787 --> 00:08:04,667 I'm a big fan of the prime time crime shows... 110 00:08:04,787 --> 00:08:06,809 ...I like all of them pretty much, you know, I like 111 00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,778 "Law and Order", and all the spin-offs of that... 112 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:14,165 I like "CSI", and all of those spin-offs, 'cause they're forensic shows, you know? 113 00:08:14,314 --> 00:08:16,282 And I'm just waiting for one night to be sitting 114 00:08:16,345 --> 00:08:19,344 there watching one of them shows, and... 115 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:23,379 ...the chief medical examiner turns to the lead detective and say "Steve..." 116 00:08:23,483 --> 00:08:26,663 "Looks to me like that after they killed this guy the perpretators rolled 117 00:08:26,709 --> 00:08:30,209 him over and cornholed him about thirty or forty fucking times..." 118 00:08:35,993 --> 00:08:39,779 "And there's a posthumous multiple cornhole entry wound!" 119 00:08:43,182 --> 00:08:46,463 In prison it's a social activity! 120 00:08:46,695 --> 00:08:48,507 Yeah, it's right there on the bulletin board! 121 00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:51,612 "Checkers, handball, cornholing!" 122 00:08:53,926 --> 00:08:57,138 Now, just to change the subject a little bit... 123 00:08:57,794 --> 00:09:01,306 Do you realize...? 124 00:09:01,426 --> 00:09:04,887 ...that right this second, right now... 125 00:09:05,007 --> 00:09:07,565 ...somewhere around the world... 126 00:09:07,685 --> 00:09:11,542 ...some guy is getting ready to kill himself? 127 00:09:11,993 --> 00:09:15,943 Ain't that great? 128 00:09:16,312 --> 00:09:19,510 Do you ever stop and think about that kind of shit? 129 00:09:19,811 --> 00:09:23,296 I do! It's fun! 130 00:09:23,416 --> 00:09:25,947 And it's interesting! And it's true! 131 00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:30,704 Right this second, some guy is getting ready to bite the big bazooka! 132 00:09:31,182 --> 00:09:36,498 Because statistics show that every year a million people commit suicide! 133 00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:41,159 A million! That's 280 a day! 134 00:09:41,460 --> 00:09:45,123 That's one every 30 seconds! 135 00:09:49,101 --> 00:09:51,520 There goes another guy! 136 00:09:52,517 --> 00:09:58,435 And I say "guy" because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide! 137 00:09:58,682 --> 00:10:00,909 Even though women attempt it more! 138 00:10:01,029 --> 00:10:04,408 So men are better at it! 139 00:10:04,528 --> 00:10:08,154 That's something else you girls are wanna be working on! 140 00:10:08,919 --> 00:10:11,280 Well, if you wanna be truly equal, you're gonna have 141 00:10:11,305 --> 00:10:13,576 to start taking your own lives in greater numbers! 142 00:10:19,539 --> 00:10:21,930 But I just think it's interesting to know... 143 00:10:22,050 --> 00:10:25,333 ..."interesting", that's a big word in this show for me... 144 00:10:25,453 --> 00:10:29,447 ...interesting to know that at any moment, the odds are good... 145 00:10:29,735 --> 00:10:34,136 ...that some guy is draggin' a chair across the garage floor... 146 00:10:34,463 --> 00:10:37,374 ...trying to get it right underneath that ceiling beam... 147 00:10:37,494 --> 00:10:39,251 ...don't want it to be too far off center. 148 00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:41,970 If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right! 149 00:10:43,019 --> 00:10:45,173 Somewhere else another guy is going over and 150 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:47,400 getting a gun out of a chest of drawers... 151 00:10:48,254 --> 00:10:51,972 Somebody else is opening up a brand new package of razorblades! 152 00:10:52,238 --> 00:10:55,464 Maybe struggling with the cellophane a little bit, you know? 153 00:10:55,819 --> 00:10:59,851 "Oh shit! There's always something! Goddam it!" 154 00:11:03,351 --> 00:11:05,852 I just think that's interesting as hell! 155 00:11:06,112 --> 00:11:09,118 That's probably the most interesting thing you can do with your life! 156 00:11:09,238 --> 00:11:11,647 End it! 157 00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:14,818 I don't think I could that, though! Could you? God! 158 00:11:14,938 --> 00:11:18,863 I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it! 159 00:11:18,983 --> 00:11:21,378 But I understand it, you know? I think I do... 160 00:11:21,498 --> 00:11:24,231 I don't wonder about it! I don't wonder: "Why did he do that?" 161 00:11:24,256 --> 00:11:26,814 "What was going through his mind?" You know what I wonder? 162 00:11:26,910 --> 00:11:29,447 Where do you find the fucking time? 163 00:11:29,567 --> 00:11:33,848 Who's got time to be committing suicide? Aren't you busy? I've got shit to do! 164 00:11:33,968 --> 00:11:37,223 Suicide would be way down on my list... 165 00:11:37,483 --> 00:11:41,706 ...probably down past lighting my own house on fire! 166 00:11:42,607 --> 00:11:46,352 Am I wanna try a little self-mutilation first? 167 00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:49,618 You know? Take a couple of hunks out of my arm... 168 00:11:49,738 --> 00:11:52,844 See if I like the general idea...! 169 00:11:53,117 --> 00:11:55,913 Cause you gotta have priorities, man! You know? 170 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,742 And you gotta have a plan, too, for something like that! Gotta plan that shit! 171 00:11:59,838 --> 00:12:02,588 People don't just run out the house and jump off a bridge! 172 00:12:02,650 --> 00:12:05,305 There are things you have to decide! 173 00:12:05,401 --> 00:12:09,053 Timing is important! When are you gonna do it? 174 00:12:09,173 --> 00:12:12,319 "Welll, let me see it now...!" 175 00:12:12,439 --> 00:12:16,953 "Wednesday's out. Gotta take Timmy to the circus...!" 176 00:12:18,060 --> 00:12:22,229 "Survivors's on on Thursday!" 177 00:12:22,557 --> 00:12:26,179 "Friday, I've got my colon cleansing..." 178 00:12:27,026 --> 00:12:31,523 "Folks are coming over on Sunday..." 179 00:12:33,094 --> 00:12:36,115 "Sunday...!" 180 00:12:36,235 --> 00:12:40,366 By God, that'll be just the thing! Maybe Mum will find my body! 181 00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:44,780 Serves her right for fucking me up the way she did! 182 00:12:46,460 --> 00:12:49,809 Then you have to pick a method! How are you gonna do it? 183 00:12:50,068 --> 00:12:54,934 Well, let me see it now...! I'm afraid of heights, that's no good! 184 00:12:55,054 --> 00:12:57,913 Can't swallow pills, Don't like the sight of blood...! 185 00:12:58,033 --> 00:13:01,453 Fucking ovens are electric...! 186 00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:05,184 I'd lay out in front of a train, except damn track 187 00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:07,848 ain't coming through here in thirty goddam years! 188 00:13:08,943 --> 00:13:12,866 Maybe I'll just take a gun and shoot myself in the mouth! 189 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,969 Huh... Suppose I miss! 190 00:13:16,089 --> 00:13:18,798 People'll be laughing at me! 191 00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:23,841 Suppose I live...! I'd have a big fucking hole in my head! 192 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:27,626 I'd have to wear some kind of dumbass hat! 193 00:13:28,734 --> 00:13:31,904 Well, I guess I'll just hang myself! That'll be good! 194 00:13:32,697 --> 00:13:37,835 Gotta get a rope! Oh, shit! There's always something...! 195 00:13:38,690 --> 00:13:40,526 I've got a rope in the garage...! 196 00:13:41,104 --> 00:13:43,901 Ah! It's got a lot of grease and paint on it! 197 00:13:44,315 --> 00:13:47,459 Don't want to get that stuff on my neck! 198 00:13:48,087 --> 00:13:51,272 Wal-Mart is having a special on rope this weekend! 199 00:13:51,504 --> 00:13:54,238 No sense in spending a lot of money to kill myself! 200 00:13:54,303 --> 00:13:56,279 Then again, I can always put it on my credit card, 201 00:13:56,304 --> 00:13:58,146 and never have to pay the fucking thing! 202 00:14:01,248 --> 00:14:06,073 Eh, that's it, then! I'm hanging myself and Wal-Mart is paying for it! 203 00:14:07,139 --> 00:14:10,378 What's next? A note...! 204 00:14:10,651 --> 00:14:14,382 Oh, Jesus! Gotta express myself! 205 00:14:14,642 --> 00:14:18,728 Hell, if I gotta express myself I wanna be thinking a note or something, I guess... 206 00:14:18,848 --> 00:14:24,182 Where's the pen? Can never find a pen! 207 00:14:24,414 --> 00:14:28,747 Told the kids not to move the pen away from that telephone! Goddam kids! 208 00:14:29,061 --> 00:14:31,986 I'll just kill them, too! 209 00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:35,759 Make it one of them family package deals! 210 00:14:35,879 --> 00:14:40,433 Ah, here's a pen! I oughta jam it in my fucking neck and get it over with! 211 00:14:41,909 --> 00:14:47,594 Let's see now...! Where do you put the date, upper left...? 212 00:14:49,125 --> 00:14:54,469 I can never remember that...! "To whom it may concern..." 213 00:14:54,865 --> 00:14:58,364 Huh... sounds kinda impersonal... 214 00:14:58,484 --> 00:15:03,080 "Dear Marcelle..." Huh, leaves out the kids... 215 00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:07,111 I know! "Hey, guys! Guess what?" 216 00:15:07,231 --> 00:15:11,853 "Keep on reading! How are you? I hope you are fine!" 217 00:15:12,170 --> 00:15:15,472 "I am not fine!" 218 00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:20,108 "As you can no doubt tell from me hanging here from the ceiling fixture!" 219 00:15:20,414 --> 00:15:23,683 "You were the ones who drove me to this!" 220 00:15:24,262 --> 00:15:27,739 "I was doing just fine until you fuckers came along!" 221 00:15:28,154 --> 00:15:30,964 "I hope you're happy now that I'm goddam dead!" 222 00:15:31,303 --> 00:15:34,157 "Signed: The corpse in this room!" 223 00:15:34,573 --> 00:15:37,908 "P.S. Fuck you, people!" 224 00:15:45,506 --> 00:15:46,935 That would be a good note! 225 00:15:46,982 --> 00:15:49,489 I don't think a writer could ever commit suicide, do you? 226 00:15:49,585 --> 00:15:52,100 A writer would be too busy working on the note all goddam year! 227 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:53,578 Trying to get it just right! 228 00:15:53,625 --> 00:15:56,181 First draft, second draft, third revision, whole new ending...! 229 00:15:56,277 --> 00:15:59,586 And finally turning it into a book proposal and have a reason to live! 230 00:16:00,148 --> 00:16:02,187 It won't work! I think about stuff like that! 231 00:16:02,226 --> 00:16:03,660 It's interesting to me, like I said! 232 00:16:03,756 --> 00:16:06,501 Certain things are interesting! Suicide is interesting! 233 00:16:06,621 --> 00:16:10,305 Life is filled with interesting things! That's why I could never commit suicide! 234 00:16:10,425 --> 00:16:13,312 I'm having too much fun! Keeping an eye on you, folks! 235 00:16:13,432 --> 00:16:16,810 Watching what you do! Human behaviour! That's what I like! 236 00:16:16,930 --> 00:16:19,402 Humans do some really interesting things! 237 00:16:19,522 --> 00:16:22,737 Like, besides killing ourselves, we also kill each other! 238 00:16:23,021 --> 00:16:26,225 Murder! And we're the only ones who do that, by the way! 239 00:16:26,326 --> 00:16:29,022 We are the only species on earth that deliberately kills 240 00:16:29,047 --> 00:16:31,410 members of their own species for personal gain... 241 00:16:31,780 --> 00:16:34,645 Or pleasure! Sometimes it's just fun...! 242 00:16:34,774 --> 00:16:37,977 We're also the only species that deliberately kill members of another species...! 243 00:16:38,002 --> 00:16:41,785 ...for personal gain, or pleasure! That's what hunters do! They kill for pleasure! 244 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:46,320 That's us! Human beings! Interesting folks! Murderous! 245 00:16:46,627 --> 00:16:49,174 Here's an interesting form of murder we came up with...! 246 00:16:49,769 --> 00:16:53,366 Assassination! Do you what's interesting about assassination! 247 00:16:53,666 --> 00:16:58,163 Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry! 248 00:16:59,250 --> 00:17:02,175 But it's also interesting to know who it is we assassinate! 249 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,929 Do you ever notice, stop to think who it is we kill...? 250 00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:07,485 It's always people who told us to live together 251 00:17:07,510 --> 00:17:09,713 in harmony and try to love one another...! 252 00:17:09,817 --> 00:17:13,025 Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, 253 00:17:13,056 --> 00:17:16,368 Martin Luther King, Martha Rivers, Malcolm X, John Lennon... 254 00:17:16,401 --> 00:17:20,051 They all said: "Try to live together peacefully!" BAM! 255 00:17:20,921 --> 00:17:22,677 Right in the fucking head! 256 00:17:27,591 --> 00:17:30,192 Apparently we're not ready for that! 257 00:17:31,524 --> 00:17:34,394 Yeah! That's difficult behaviour for us! 258 00:17:34,514 --> 00:17:36,403 We're too busy, thinking around, sitting around 259 00:17:36,428 --> 00:17:38,412 trying to think up ways to kill each other! 260 00:17:38,906 --> 00:17:41,827 Here's one we came up with! It's efficient, too! 261 00:17:42,203 --> 00:17:44,000 Genocide! You know? 262 00:17:44,148 --> 00:17:47,741 Killing large numbers of people simply 'cause they don't look like you, they don't talk like you 263 00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:49,930 and they don't have the same kind of hats you do! 264 00:17:50,573 --> 00:17:53,494 Did you ever notice that anytime you see two groups of people who really 265 00:17:53,601 --> 00:17:56,617 hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kinds of hats! 266 00:17:57,047 --> 00:17:59,399 Keep an eye on that! It might be important! 267 00:18:00,430 --> 00:18:04,530 But anytime there's genocide there are always mass graves! 268 00:18:04,650 --> 00:18:07,946 Every time we kill some dictator and go marching through his country... 269 00:18:08,002 --> 00:18:10,377 ...we always finds mass graves! Thousands and thousands 270 00:18:10,402 --> 00:18:12,309 of dead bodies of people the dictator killed! 271 00:18:12,405 --> 00:18:16,728 And everybody over here gets horrified! "Oh, mass graves! Mass graves! Oh!" 272 00:18:16,848 --> 00:18:18,597 Oh, shit! What's a guy supposed to do with a 273 00:18:18,622 --> 00:18:20,254 couple of thousand people he just killed? 274 00:18:20,502 --> 00:18:23,033 Dig separate holes? Fuck that shit! 275 00:18:23,699 --> 00:18:26,518 It's labor intensive! Get real! 276 00:18:26,962 --> 00:18:28,929 The whole idea of killing a large number of 277 00:18:28,954 --> 00:18:31,188 people at one time, in one place, is convenience! 278 00:18:31,352 --> 00:18:34,282 Efficiency! Throw 'em in the fucking hole! 279 00:18:34,797 --> 00:18:37,188 Look at it this way! At least the dictator had 280 00:18:37,213 --> 00:18:39,451 the decency to throw a little dirt on them! 281 00:18:39,571 --> 00:18:42,172 Give the guy some credit! Dictator's a busy man! 282 00:18:42,227 --> 00:18:43,891 Got a lot in his mind! 283 00:18:44,234 --> 00:18:46,891 Like trying to figure out who's planning to kill him! 284 00:18:47,283 --> 00:18:50,409 So he can pick them up, put them in prison, and torture them! 285 00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:52,305 Here's another of our interesting 286 00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:54,526 heart-warming behaviours we came up with... 287 00:18:54,622 --> 00:18:57,354 ...somewhere along the way! Torturing each other! 288 00:18:57,474 --> 00:19:00,942 You wanna hear a really cool torture that the romans invented? 289 00:19:01,062 --> 00:19:03,656 They also used it as a form of capital punishment! 290 00:19:03,703 --> 00:19:05,328 It's really creative! 291 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:08,591 They would take the guy in question, stuff him in a burlap sack, 292 00:19:08,616 --> 00:19:11,353 seal the sack up real tight and throw him in the river, but...! 293 00:19:11,449 --> 00:19:16,284 ...and here's the creative part! Inside the sack, with the guy...! 294 00:19:16,404 --> 00:19:21,101 ...they would put a dog, a monkey and a snake! OK? 295 00:19:21,375 --> 00:19:24,896 A dog, a monkey and a snake! That's fucking creative! 296 00:19:25,629 --> 00:19:27,838 Imagine being inside a burlap sack in the water, 297 00:19:27,863 --> 00:19:30,162 in the dark, sitting next to a drowning monkey...! 298 00:19:31,607 --> 00:19:34,060 ...think he'd be moving around a little bit? 299 00:19:34,648 --> 00:19:37,279 The dog, he'll be going apeshit! We know that! 300 00:19:37,328 --> 00:19:39,461 And the snake? Well, he'd probably be getting curious 301 00:19:39,503 --> 00:19:41,399 about what all the activity was inside the sack! 302 00:19:41,465 --> 00:19:42,945 He might do anything! 303 00:19:42,992 --> 00:19:46,391 Whatever he did, it would probably involve venom ant its teeth! 304 00:19:47,256 --> 00:19:48,604 You know what you'd be doing? 305 00:19:48,629 --> 00:19:52,440 You'd be praying to God that the snake bit the monkey and the dog ate the snake! 306 00:19:57,815 --> 00:20:01,881 Then it would be just you and the dog! Man and his best friend! 307 00:20:02,188 --> 00:20:06,835 Drowning together! Maybe before you died you could teach him a few tricks! 308 00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:10,406 Roll over and play dead wouldn't be too difficult, would it? 309 00:20:10,679 --> 00:20:13,669 Just a thought! Just a playful thought! 310 00:20:13,789 --> 00:20:15,973 By the way, I assume you've noticed that all 311 00:20:15,998 --> 00:20:18,083 these activities I'm mentioning, murder... 312 00:20:18,179 --> 00:20:21,169 ...torture, genocide... These are all things human beings do! 313 00:20:21,289 --> 00:20:24,718 Not animals! Those creatures we feel superior to! 314 00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:26,070 This is us! 315 00:20:27,336 --> 00:20:30,924 Here's another one of our spiritually uplifting activities! 316 00:20:31,044 --> 00:20:34,272 We don't do this one much anymore! But it used to be really big! 317 00:20:34,392 --> 00:20:36,920 Human sacrifice! 318 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:39,842 I miss that! 319 00:20:39,962 --> 00:20:44,215 The Aztecs loved human sacrifice! And they were good at it! 320 00:20:44,335 --> 00:20:48,452 Well, they got a lot of practice! For instance, around the year 1500... 321 00:20:48,572 --> 00:20:53,800 ...the aztecs sacrificed 18,000 people in one ceremony! OK? 322 00:20:54,092 --> 00:20:57,272 18,000 people in one ceremony! Do you know what the occasion was? 323 00:20:57,307 --> 00:20:59,069 They were opening a new temple! 324 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:03,077 Nothing like religion for a little entertainment, huh? 325 00:21:03,508 --> 00:21:06,123 Specially that old-time religion! 326 00:21:06,459 --> 00:21:09,591 Do you know how the aztecs went about their sacrificing? Here's how they did it... 327 00:21:09,616 --> 00:21:11,616 They would do that right out in public, right in front 328 00:21:11,641 --> 00:21:13,405 of everybody, big town, beautiful city square... 329 00:21:13,450 --> 00:21:16,269 twenty, thirty thousand people looking on! They would take the guy...! 330 00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:19,287 ...lay him on an altar, cut his chest open, pull his heart out 331 00:21:19,357 --> 00:21:21,998 and hold it up in the air while it was still beating! Got that? 332 00:21:22,708 --> 00:21:26,342 Cut his chest open, pull his heart out and hold it up in the air while it was still beating! 333 00:21:26,367 --> 00:21:28,724 Do you know what you call that? Theatre! 334 00:21:29,248 --> 00:21:30,746 That's fucking theatre! 335 00:21:30,842 --> 00:21:33,305 And although the procedure may have been a little too 336 00:21:33,330 --> 00:21:35,655 crude to be considered the first bypass surgery...! 337 00:21:36,378 --> 00:21:40,614 ...it could easily be seen as an early form of organ donor programme! 338 00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:43,518 The aztecs! Human beings! Just like us... 339 00:21:43,638 --> 00:21:47,260 Not too long ago! 500 years! Columbus had already landed! 340 00:21:47,380 --> 00:21:50,182 That was just south of here! Mexico! 341 00:21:50,302 --> 00:21:53,303 By the way, those hearts didn't go to waste! 342 00:21:53,365 --> 00:21:55,024 Because right after the ceremonies... 343 00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:59,766 The royal family, naturally, would enjoy another one of our amusing activities... 344 00:21:59,886 --> 00:22:04,703 Cannibalism! Imagine that! Chowing down on another human being! 345 00:22:04,823 --> 00:22:10,119 You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man! You gotta be really fucking hungry! 346 00:22:10,239 --> 00:22:12,938 But it happens, doesn't it? Still happens to this day! 347 00:22:13,058 --> 00:22:15,722 A bunch of people? Stranded in the wilderness? 348 00:22:15,842 --> 00:22:18,763 Run out of pop-tarts? Gotta eat something! 349 00:22:18,883 --> 00:22:21,907 Might as well be Steve! 350 00:22:22,076 --> 00:22:23,707 And how do you decide who to eat first? 351 00:22:23,732 --> 00:22:25,746 How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack? 352 00:22:25,771 --> 00:22:28,453 Do you pick on the little guy, 'cause he's skinny and he can't fight back? 353 00:22:28,478 --> 00:22:30,288 ...or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder 354 00:22:30,313 --> 00:22:32,163 'cause he's got a lot of steaks and chops on? 355 00:22:32,653 --> 00:22:36,326 These are things human beings have to consider! 356 00:22:36,446 --> 00:22:40,084 One more of these charming diversions of ours! 357 00:22:40,529 --> 00:22:45,910 Necrophilia! Huh? Now there's a hobby for you! 358 00:22:46,252 --> 00:22:48,814 Fucking a corpse! 359 00:22:48,934 --> 00:22:52,898 Takes a special kind of guy! Don't you think? 360 00:22:53,411 --> 00:22:57,374 But it happens, it happens... More than you might think! 361 00:22:57,665 --> 00:23:01,116 It happens among humans! Animals don't do that! 362 00:23:01,441 --> 00:23:04,465 Animals don't fuck their dead! 363 00:23:04,585 --> 00:23:07,591 A rat would do a lot of gross things! 364 00:23:07,711 --> 00:23:10,820 But it would not fuck a dead rat! 365 00:23:10,940 --> 00:23:14,100 It wouldn't even occur to him! 366 00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:17,073 Only a human being would think...! 367 00:23:17,193 --> 00:23:19,942 ..to fuck someone who just died! 368 00:23:20,062 --> 00:23:23,205 We gotta be the most interesting creatures on the planet...! 369 00:23:23,479 --> 00:23:28,365 ...and then we wonder why a UFO doesn't just land and say hello! 370 00:23:38,513 --> 00:23:40,785 Do you know the best thing about necrophilia? 371 00:23:40,905 --> 00:23:43,365 You don't have to bring flowers! 372 00:23:43,485 --> 00:23:46,611 Yeah! Usually they're already there! 373 00:23:46,731 --> 00:23:51,241 Isn't that nice? It's nice! It's convenient! 374 00:23:51,549 --> 00:23:54,368 Human beings would do anything! 375 00:23:54,464 --> 00:23:56,737 Anything! I am convinced! 376 00:23:56,823 --> 00:24:00,456 That's why when all those beheadings started in Iraq, didn't bother me! 377 00:24:00,770 --> 00:24:03,403 I took it right in stride! A lot of people here were horrified! 378 00:24:03,460 --> 00:24:05,340 "Oh, beheadings! Beheadings!" 379 00:24:05,831 --> 00:24:07,817 What are you, fucking surprised? 380 00:24:07,910 --> 00:24:11,493 It's just one more form of extreme human behaviour! 381 00:24:11,589 --> 00:24:14,324 Besides, who cares about some mercenary civilian 382 00:24:14,349 --> 00:24:17,250 contractor from Oklahoma who gets its head cut off? 383 00:24:17,499 --> 00:24:19,725 Fuck him! Fuck him! 384 00:24:19,874 --> 00:24:21,999 Hey Jack! You don't wanna get your head cut off? 385 00:24:22,095 --> 00:24:27,869 Stay the fuck in Oklahoma! 386 00:24:32,696 --> 00:24:36,916 They don't cut no heads in Oklahoma! As far as I know! 387 00:24:37,445 --> 00:24:38,890 But I do know this! 388 00:24:38,952 --> 00:24:41,498 You strap on a gun and go struttin' around some other man's 389 00:24:41,523 --> 00:24:43,814 country, you'd better be ready for some action, Jack! 390 00:24:44,077 --> 00:24:48,232 You'd better be ready for some action! People are touchy about that sort of thing! 391 00:24:48,505 --> 00:24:52,004 Let me ask you this, while I have you good, clean Americans here...! 392 00:24:52,124 --> 00:24:55,954 This is a moral question... Not rhetorical, I'm looking for the answer! 393 00:24:56,074 --> 00:24:59,175 What is the moral difference between 394 00:24:59,214 --> 00:25:02,935 cutting off one guy's head, or two, or three, or five, or ten? 395 00:25:03,031 --> 00:25:06,526 ...and dropping a big bomb on a hospital and killing a whole bunch of sick kids? 396 00:25:06,612 --> 00:25:08,844 Has anybody in authority given you an explanation of 397 00:25:08,869 --> 00:25:11,057 the difference? I have not got an e-mail on this... 398 00:25:11,088 --> 00:25:13,214 ...no one would talk! We haven't got a postcard, 399 00:25:13,239 --> 00:25:15,060 not a fucking instant message or nothing! 400 00:25:15,443 --> 00:25:18,075 Now, in case you're wondering why I have a certain 401 00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:20,319 interest and fascination, let's call it... 402 00:25:20,415 --> 00:25:24,682 ...with torture and beheadings, and all of these things I've mentioned... 403 00:25:24,820 --> 00:25:28,000 ...is because each of these items, reminds me in life... 404 00:25:28,025 --> 00:25:32,142 every time I... one of them occurs, reminds me over and over again... 405 00:25:32,391 --> 00:25:36,178 ...what beasts we human beings really are, you know... 406 00:25:36,298 --> 00:25:40,347 ...when you get right down to it, when you get right down to it...! 407 00:25:40,467 --> 00:25:44,693 ...human beings are nothing more than ordinary jungle beasts! Savages! 408 00:25:44,758 --> 00:25:48,060 No different from the Cromagnon people who lived 25,000 years ago, 409 00:25:48,085 --> 00:25:51,149 in a place that seemed far as it can (unintelligible) 410 00:25:51,195 --> 00:25:53,312 No different! Our DNA hasn't changed 411 00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:55,601 substantially in a hundred thousand years! 412 00:25:55,648 --> 00:25:57,749 We're still operating out of the lower brain! 413 00:25:57,804 --> 00:26:01,063 The reptilian brain! Fight or flight! Kill or be killed! 414 00:26:01,159 --> 00:26:04,359 Now, we like to think we've evolved and advanced... 415 00:26:04,429 --> 00:26:08,082 ...because we can build a computer, fly an airplane, travel underwater... 416 00:26:08,202 --> 00:26:12,237 ...we can write a sonnet, paint a painting, compose an opera... But you know something? 417 00:26:12,357 --> 00:26:14,654 We're barely out of the jungle on this planet! 418 00:26:14,679 --> 00:26:17,072 Barely out of the fucking jungle! What we are... 419 00:26:17,168 --> 00:26:19,576 ...is semi-civilized beasts... 420 00:26:19,696 --> 00:26:23,130 ...with baseball caps and automatic weapons! 421 00:26:23,250 --> 00:26:26,929 And this civilization of ours, that we're so proud of...! 422 00:26:27,049 --> 00:26:30,509 This civilization, with its so-called civilized behaviour... 423 00:26:30,629 --> 00:26:33,626 Do you ever stop to realize how fragile all this is...? 424 00:26:33,746 --> 00:26:35,625 How fragile the whole struc... How easily could 425 00:26:35,650 --> 00:26:37,450 just break right down? Just break right down! 426 00:26:37,546 --> 00:26:40,829 Wouldn't take much! Probably happen in less than two years! 427 00:26:40,949 --> 00:26:44,970 Wouldn't take much to throw us right back into barbaric times! 428 00:26:45,090 --> 00:26:47,923 All you have to do, would be eliminate electricity! 429 00:26:48,043 --> 00:26:52,365 That's all! But completely! Eliminate electricity! So... 430 00:26:52,852 --> 00:26:54,727 No electricity, no lights! 431 00:26:54,805 --> 00:26:57,578 You're back to candles, and lanterns, campfires and bonfires... 432 00:26:57,610 --> 00:26:59,233 Batteries couldn't be recharged... 433 00:26:59,305 --> 00:27:03,012 Gerenators couldn't be refuelled, because fuel is pumped electrically... 434 00:27:03,132 --> 00:27:06,108 So is water, by the way! So no lights, no fuel, no water... 435 00:27:06,163 --> 00:27:08,845 No computers! And computers run everything! 436 00:27:09,053 --> 00:27:12,757 And among the many things computers run, and they operate on electricity... 437 00:27:12,877 --> 00:27:18,073 ...are all of the security systems in all of our jails and prisons...! 438 00:27:18,193 --> 00:27:21,586 ...and nuthouses! So, suddenly... 439 00:27:21,706 --> 00:27:25,659 ...without electricity, all across america, the gates and cell doors... 440 00:27:25,779 --> 00:27:30,183 ...of penitentiaries and mental institutions would fly open...! 441 00:27:30,415 --> 00:27:34,529 ...and out would come all of our old friends! 442 00:27:34,870 --> 00:27:38,834 ...the ones who've been away... ...at camp! 443 00:27:39,326 --> 00:27:42,307 Serial killers, mass murderers, felony rapists, 444 00:27:42,332 --> 00:27:45,063 armed robbers, carjackers, home invaders... 445 00:27:45,159 --> 00:27:49,767 Thieves, burglars, kidnappers, sadists, paedophiles, sexual predators, pimps... 446 00:27:49,887 --> 00:27:53,430 Pushers, pornographers, speed freaks, crackheads, sick junkies... 447 00:27:53,550 --> 00:27:58,172 All the ethnic street gangs! Black, Spanish and Asian gangs, Japanese yakuza... 448 00:27:58,292 --> 00:28:01,849 Russian mafia, and neo-nazis, white supremacists, Sicilian hitmen... 449 00:28:01,969 --> 00:28:05,580 Italian mobster, Jamaican and Colombian drug gangs... 450 00:28:05,977 --> 00:28:09,189 And those are just the ones we caught...! 451 00:28:09,639 --> 00:28:13,534 Let's not forget their counterparts! Still on the outside! Right now! 452 00:28:13,654 --> 00:28:16,114 Waiting to hook up with their prison buddies! 453 00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,383 So they can start a new organization! 454 00:28:18,479 --> 00:28:23,074 The American Federation of Sociopaths! Just what the country needs! 455 00:28:23,194 --> 00:28:26,013 Another special interest group! 456 00:28:26,133 --> 00:28:29,211 Eight to ten million of them may be! Counting all the parolees, 457 00:28:29,312 --> 00:28:32,077 and all the probationers, and the ones that have never been caught... 458 00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:34,704 Eight to ten million! Bitter, angry, 459 00:28:34,736 --> 00:28:38,160 violent, sexually hyperactive alpha-males... 460 00:28:38,256 --> 00:28:43,808 ...with nothing to do! No hobbies! No medications! 461 00:28:44,355 --> 00:28:49,493 No scruples! Just a bunch of bad guys looking for a good time! 462 00:28:49,945 --> 00:28:55,125 Maybe dropping by your house! "Hi! Hope we're not intruding!" 463 00:28:55,835 --> 00:28:57,694 "Got any beer? 464 00:28:57,881 --> 00:29:01,842 Oh, good! Well, I've got about fourteen hundred really thirsty guys here...!" 465 00:29:02,081 --> 00:29:04,811 "How about women? Got any women?... 466 00:29:05,850 --> 00:29:07,941 ...Oh, just your wife, huh?" 467 00:29:09,297 --> 00:29:12,686 "Well, I think we could make that work!" 468 00:29:12,946 --> 00:29:17,648 "Now boys! There's a lady here... So I want you to mind your manners..." 469 00:29:18,181 --> 00:29:20,313 "And wait your turn..." 470 00:29:20,338 --> 00:29:22,916 Police wouldn't help you! They'd be gone at the first sign of trouble! 471 00:29:22,941 --> 00:29:24,740 They'd be home protecting their own families...! 472 00:29:24,765 --> 00:29:27,198 So would the Army and the National Guard! You'd be alone! 473 00:29:27,223 --> 00:29:29,354 You'd be on your own! You'd be S.O.L. and J.W.F.! 474 00:29:29,412 --> 00:29:32,393 "Shit out of luck and jolly-well fucked!" 475 00:29:33,088 --> 00:29:35,305 "Shit out of luck and jolly-well fucked!" 476 00:29:35,425 --> 00:29:37,779 After a couple of years of living like that... 477 00:29:37,899 --> 00:29:40,335 ...beheadings will be the least of your problems! 478 00:29:40,455 --> 00:29:43,738 People will be lining up to be beheaded...! 479 00:29:43,971 --> 00:29:45,588 So let's get back to suicide, 480 00:29:45,613 --> 00:29:48,073 which now seems like a reasonable alternative...! 481 00:29:52,185 --> 00:29:55,642 Suicide is an interesting topic to me...! 482 00:29:55,762 --> 00:29:58,690 ...because it's an inherently interesting decision! 483 00:29:58,810 --> 00:30:02,640 To decide voluntarily not to exist anymore! It's profound! 484 00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:06,262 You know what it is? It's the Ultimate Makeover! 485 00:30:06,562 --> 00:30:09,173 That's why I think it belongs on television! 486 00:30:09,293 --> 00:30:12,466 In this depraved culture we live in...? 487 00:30:12,586 --> 00:30:17,168 ...with all these reality shows? Suicide and television would be a natural! 488 00:30:17,288 --> 00:30:21,036 I'll bet you can have an All-Suicide channel on cable TV! 489 00:30:21,156 --> 00:30:25,136 I bet you! Shit! They've got all golf! What the fuck! Huh? 490 00:30:25,682 --> 00:30:28,060 Goddam! Jesus! 491 00:30:28,388 --> 00:30:32,851 Do you ever watch golf? It's like watching flies fuck! 492 00:30:33,569 --> 00:30:35,698 If you can get a bunch of brainless assholes and insist 493 00:30:35,723 --> 00:30:37,955 them to waste a sunny afternoon, on that kind of shit... 494 00:30:37,980 --> 00:30:40,600 ...you know you can get some people to watch them suicides...! 495 00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:45,684 All day long! 24 hours a day! Nothing but suicides! Must-die TV! 496 00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:47,812 You can get a lot of people watching that shit! 497 00:30:47,837 --> 00:30:50,177 You can get a lot of people volunteering to be on it, too! 498 00:30:50,273 --> 00:30:54,390 Just so their friends can see them on TV! People are fucking goofy! 499 00:30:54,792 --> 00:30:56,167 You can get a lot of volunteers! 500 00:30:56,192 --> 00:30:59,147 You can get all of them leftovers assholes on "Let's Make a Deal!" 501 00:30:59,172 --> 00:31:01,881 They'll be lining up around the block! Pushing each other out the way! 502 00:31:01,906 --> 00:31:03,868 Putting on them funny capes and caps and headpats 503 00:31:03,893 --> 00:31:06,008 and make them up call themselves "Captain Suicide!" 504 00:31:06,033 --> 00:31:08,033 Guys will be competing for most unusual methods! 505 00:31:08,058 --> 00:31:10,017 People will be jumping off them silos, lighting 506 00:31:10,042 --> 00:31:12,327 themselves on fire, putting rat poison on their taco... 507 00:31:12,399 --> 00:31:15,873 Drinking "Mop-and-Glo", sticking mothballs up their ass... 508 00:31:16,185 --> 00:31:18,743 You'd probably have some weird fuck show figure how to 509 00:31:18,768 --> 00:31:21,508 kill himself with dental floss and a Stinger missile! 510 00:31:22,266 --> 00:31:24,464 People are fucking goofy! 511 00:31:24,647 --> 00:31:29,240 I bet you could find you a married couple! In this country? Shit! 512 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,493 I bet you! You can find a married couple! 513 00:31:31,518 --> 00:31:33,802 In one of them trailer parks or something... 514 00:31:34,314 --> 00:31:36,993 ...who'd be perfectly willing to sit in a love seat... 515 00:31:37,113 --> 00:31:39,792 ...and blow each other's head off with shotguns! 516 00:31:39,865 --> 00:31:43,013 ...while a love song is playing! People are fucking nuts! 517 00:31:43,180 --> 00:31:45,336 This country is full of nitwits and assholes! 518 00:31:45,361 --> 00:31:46,769 Did you ever notice that? 519 00:31:46,843 --> 00:31:50,003 Oh my goodness, yes! Oh my goodness, right! 520 00:31:54,574 --> 00:31:59,035 Nitwits, assholes, fuck-ups, scumbags, jerk-offs and dipshits! 521 00:31:59,155 --> 00:32:01,921 ...and they all vote! 522 00:32:02,710 --> 00:32:04,325 They all vote, yeah! 523 00:32:04,350 --> 00:32:07,741 In fact, sometimes you get the impression they're the only ones who vote! 524 00:32:08,139 --> 00:32:11,960 You can usually tell us they've doing the voting by looking at the fucking election returns! 525 00:32:12,014 --> 00:32:14,170 Man, sure it ain't me out there wasting my time 526 00:32:14,195 --> 00:32:16,269 in a meaningless activity like that! 527 00:32:16,294 --> 00:32:18,192 You know those people on the Jerry Springer Show? 528 00:32:18,217 --> 00:32:20,622 Those are the average Americans! 529 00:32:20,766 --> 00:32:23,691 Oh yeah? Believe me! Below average can't get on the show! 530 00:32:24,019 --> 00:32:28,105 Can't get on! Below average just sit at home watching that shit on TV! 531 00:32:28,597 --> 00:32:30,901 Getting ready to go out and vote! 532 00:32:31,482 --> 00:32:33,668 Filling out the sample ballot! 533 00:32:33,788 --> 00:32:36,689 People are fucking dumb! 534 00:32:36,935 --> 00:32:39,966 You can say what you want about this country! And I love this place! 535 00:32:39,991 --> 00:32:42,489 I love the freedoms we used to have... 536 00:32:42,893 --> 00:32:45,490 I love it! I love that! You know? 537 00:32:50,711 --> 00:32:53,148 I loved it when it didn't take a fucking catastrophe 538 00:32:53,173 --> 00:32:55,576 to get us to care for one another... 539 00:32:55,601 --> 00:32:59,185 I love the fact that we're on camera all the time from all angles... 540 00:32:59,250 --> 00:33:02,250 But you know? You can say what you want about America! I say, I love this place... 541 00:33:02,275 --> 00:33:06,181 I wouldn't have it any other way, I wouldn't live in any other time in history, or any other place, but... 542 00:33:06,206 --> 00:33:09,156 ...Say what you want about America! Land of the free, home of the brave... 543 00:33:09,181 --> 00:33:12,564 We've got some dumb-ass motherfuckers floatin' around in this country! 544 00:33:12,684 --> 00:33:15,981 Dumb-ass motherfuckers! You know? Yeah! 545 00:33:17,592 --> 00:33:21,433 Now, obviously, that doesn't include this audience! I understand that! 546 00:33:21,553 --> 00:33:24,349 You seem intelligent and perceptive, but the rest of them... 547 00:33:24,374 --> 00:33:26,835 Holy jump and fucking shitballs! 548 00:33:27,979 --> 00:33:31,355 Dumber than a second coat of paint! 549 00:33:31,984 --> 00:33:34,827 And this ain't just rant and raving! This ain't just blowin' off steam! 550 00:33:34,852 --> 00:33:37,214 I've got a little evidence to support my claim! 551 00:33:37,310 --> 00:33:40,676 It just seems to me, seems to me... 552 00:33:40,908 --> 00:33:43,964 ...that only a really low IQ population could 553 00:33:43,989 --> 00:33:46,303 have taken this beautiful continent... 554 00:33:46,430 --> 00:33:50,380 ...this magnificent American landscape, that we inherited... 555 00:33:50,954 --> 00:33:54,385 Well, actually, we stole it from the Mexicans and Indians, but... 556 00:33:54,713 --> 00:33:57,338 Hey, it was nice when we stole it! 557 00:33:57,458 --> 00:34:00,385 Looked pretty good, it was pristine...! 558 00:34:00,505 --> 00:34:03,652 Paradise! Have you seen it lately? 559 00:34:03,772 --> 00:34:07,533 Have you taken a good look at it lately? It's fucking embarrassing! 560 00:34:07,653 --> 00:34:10,936 Only a nation of unenlightened half-wits... 561 00:34:11,056 --> 00:34:14,940 ...could have taken this beautiful place, and turned it into what it is today... 562 00:34:15,060 --> 00:34:20,106 A shopping mall! A big fucking shopping mall! 563 00:34:20,872 --> 00:34:23,004 You know that? 564 00:34:23,291 --> 00:34:28,744 That's all you've got here, folks! Mile after mile of mall after mall! 565 00:34:28,864 --> 00:34:31,478 Many, many malls! Major malls and mini-malls! 566 00:34:31,503 --> 00:34:33,663 They put the mini-malls in between the major malls! 567 00:34:33,688 --> 00:34:35,979 And in between the mini-malls they put the mini-marts! 568 00:34:36,004 --> 00:34:38,238 And in between the mini-marts you've got the car lots, 569 00:34:38,263 --> 00:34:41,126 gas stations, muffle shops, laundromats, cheap hotels... 570 00:34:41,151 --> 00:34:43,901 ...fast food joints, strip clubs and dirty bookstores...! 571 00:34:43,949 --> 00:34:48,152 America, the beautiful! One big transcontinental commercial cesspool! 572 00:34:48,246 --> 00:34:50,027 And how do the people feel about all this? 573 00:34:50,052 --> 00:34:53,137 How do the people feel about living in a coast to coast shopping mall? 574 00:34:53,233 --> 00:34:57,254 Well, they think it's JUST FUCKING DANDY! 575 00:34:57,651 --> 00:35:01,547 They think it is cool as can be! 'Cause Americans love the mall! 576 00:35:01,667 --> 00:35:04,096 They love the mall! That's where they get to 577 00:35:04,121 --> 00:35:06,524 satisfy their two most prominent addictions! 578 00:35:06,549 --> 00:35:10,253 At the same time! Shopping and eating! 579 00:35:10,484 --> 00:35:15,158 Millions of semi-conscious americans, day after day, shuffling through the malls! 580 00:35:15,278 --> 00:35:19,395 Shopping, and eating! Especially eating! Americans love to eat! 581 00:35:19,515 --> 00:35:23,358 They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food! 582 00:35:23,390 --> 00:35:25,531 Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheeseburgers, 583 00:35:25,556 --> 00:35:27,759 deep-fried butter dip and pork fat, cheese whiz... 584 00:35:27,784 --> 00:35:30,390 mayonnaise, soup, barbecue, mozzarella, paddy malts... 585 00:35:30,415 --> 00:35:33,087 Americans will eat anything! Anything! Anything! 586 00:35:33,183 --> 00:35:37,736 If you were selling sautéd racoon assholes on a stick...! 587 00:35:38,610 --> 00:35:41,411 Americans would buy them and eat them! 588 00:35:41,531 --> 00:35:45,074 ...especially if you dip them in butter and put a little sauce on them! 589 00:35:45,621 --> 00:35:48,424 This country is big time, pig time! 590 00:35:48,544 --> 00:35:51,911 Forget the bald eagle! You know what the national emblem of this country ought to be? 591 00:35:51,936 --> 00:35:54,915 A big bowl of macaroni and cheese! 592 00:35:54,940 --> 00:35:57,992 A big bowl! 'Cause everything in this country is king-size! 593 00:35:58,112 --> 00:36:03,185 King-size, extra-large and super-jumbo! Especially the fucking people! 594 00:36:03,868 --> 00:36:06,444 Have you seen some of the people in this country? 595 00:36:06,469 --> 00:36:11,068 Have you taken a good look at some of these big, fat motherfuckers walking around? 596 00:36:11,164 --> 00:36:14,598 Big, fat motherfuckers? 597 00:36:15,007 --> 00:36:19,736 Oh, my god! Huge piles of redundant protoplasm! 598 00:36:20,064 --> 00:36:24,219 Lumbering through the malls, like a fleet of interstate buzzards! 599 00:36:24,339 --> 00:36:26,581 The people in this country are immense! 600 00:36:26,606 --> 00:36:31,363 Massive bellies! Monstruous thighs and big fat fucking asses! 601 00:36:31,913 --> 00:36:34,692 And if you stand there for a minute, you look at one of them 602 00:36:34,717 --> 00:36:36,850 and you begin to wonder... 603 00:36:37,900 --> 00:36:40,756 "How does this woman take a shit?" 604 00:36:42,424 --> 00:36:44,365 "How does she shit?" 605 00:36:44,485 --> 00:36:48,151 And even more frightening, "How does she wipe her ass?" 606 00:36:48,847 --> 00:36:51,758 "Can she even locate her asshole?" 607 00:36:52,073 --> 00:36:54,902 She must require assistance! 608 00:36:55,161 --> 00:36:58,168 "Are paramedics trained in this field?" 609 00:36:58,441 --> 00:37:00,345 And standing right next to her, of course, 610 00:37:00,370 --> 00:37:02,674 with a plate full of nachos and a mouthful of pie... 611 00:37:02,699 --> 00:37:05,520 ...her clueless fucking husband Joe Sixpack! 612 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,855 ...with his monstruous swollen beer belly hangly dangerously over his belt... 613 00:37:08,904 --> 00:37:11,047 Beer, belt, buckle! This guy ain't seen 614 00:37:11,072 --> 00:37:13,267 his dick since the Nixon administration! 615 00:37:14,728 --> 00:37:16,950 And if you stand there, and you look at the two of them, 616 00:37:16,975 --> 00:37:19,060 you begin to wonder to yourself... 617 00:37:19,885 --> 00:37:22,537 "Do these people fuck?" 618 00:37:22,657 --> 00:37:26,090 "Is this man actually capable of fucking this woman?" 619 00:37:26,210 --> 00:37:29,453 It doesn't seem structurally possible...! 620 00:37:29,573 --> 00:37:32,883 ...that these two people can achieve penetration! 621 00:37:33,156 --> 00:37:36,723 Maybe they're into that soul-to-soul lay or something! 622 00:37:37,748 --> 00:37:40,290 I'm telling you, the people in this country... 623 00:37:40,410 --> 00:37:45,402 ...are every half... everyone of them is 50 pounds overweight! They're gargantuan! 624 00:37:45,522 --> 00:37:48,681 And in the summertime! God help us! 625 00:37:48,955 --> 00:37:52,508 In the summertime they all wanna wear short pants! 626 00:37:52,628 --> 00:37:55,665 Jesus Lord, protector of all that is good and Holy! 627 00:37:55,785 --> 00:37:59,219 Deliver me from fat people in short pants! 628 00:37:59,339 --> 00:38:04,808 They all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids! 629 00:38:04,928 --> 00:38:07,009 Everyone of them has got two dumb-ass kids with them! 630 00:38:07,129 --> 00:38:08,949 And the whole family is wearing T-shirts! 631 00:38:08,974 --> 00:38:12,924 And everyone of them's got the same T-shirt! "I'm with stupid!" 632 00:38:13,020 --> 00:38:16,945 Apparently, in this country, the Stupids are an extended family! 633 00:38:16,986 --> 00:38:20,348 And besides of wearing them T-shirts, everyone in the family has got on a backpack! 634 00:38:20,373 --> 00:38:22,435 They've got a backpack, strapped to their back, 635 00:38:22,460 --> 00:38:25,457 so they can carry around lots of stupid shit! 636 00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:28,333 And the reason they've got to carry this stupid shit strapped to their 637 00:38:28,358 --> 00:38:32,296 backs is because their hands must remain free at all times to hold food! 638 00:38:32,622 --> 00:38:35,327 ...and to get that food up to the mouth where they can shovel in...! 639 00:38:35,352 --> 00:38:38,772 ...with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day! 640 00:38:39,471 --> 00:38:40,693 And... 641 00:38:41,874 --> 00:38:43,528 Another reason for the backpacks 642 00:38:43,553 --> 00:38:46,304 is these people are gonna buy even more stupid shit! 643 00:38:46,357 --> 00:38:48,021 They ain't got enough stupid shit at home! 644 00:38:48,046 --> 00:38:51,070 They just had a stupid shit sale, they're gonna buy more! 645 00:38:51,166 --> 00:38:53,431 They are gonna go out the parking lot and stuff this 646 00:38:53,456 --> 00:38:56,987 stuff into the big, fat, ugly, oversized S.U.V....! 647 00:38:57,083 --> 00:39:00,109 They've got plenty of room in it for the stupid shit 648 00:39:00,134 --> 00:39:02,226 and lots of room left over for these big, 649 00:39:02,251 --> 00:39:04,159 fat, ugly motherfuckers to get them home! 650 00:39:04,231 --> 00:39:07,937 Stopping, of course, for jelly roll and fried dough! 651 00:39:08,057 --> 00:39:12,775 These people are efficient, professional compulsive consumers! 652 00:39:12,832 --> 00:39:16,668 It's their civic duty! Consumption! It's the new national pastime! 653 00:39:16,693 --> 00:39:19,192 Fuck baseball! It's consumption! 654 00:39:19,217 --> 00:39:22,971 The only true lasting American value that's left...! 655 00:39:22,996 --> 00:39:25,362 Buying things! Buying things! 656 00:39:25,387 --> 00:39:28,152 People spend the money they don't have on things they don't need! 657 00:39:28,175 --> 00:39:30,337 Money they don't have on things they don't need! 658 00:39:30,363 --> 00:39:32,816 So they can max up their credit cards and spend the rest of 659 00:39:32,841 --> 00:39:36,598 their lives paying 18% interest on something that cost $12.50! 660 00:39:36,678 --> 00:39:39,043 And they didn't like it when they got at home, anyway! 661 00:39:39,131 --> 00:39:41,758 Not too bright, folks! Not too fucking bright! 662 00:39:41,831 --> 00:39:45,199 But if you talk to one of them about this, the guys will be sitting down, rationally, 663 00:39:45,224 --> 00:39:49,050 you talk to them about low IQs, and their dumb behavior, and their bad decisions... 664 00:39:49,075 --> 00:39:50,995 ...right away they start talking about education! 665 00:39:51,020 --> 00:39:53,097 That's the big answer to everything! Education! 666 00:39:53,128 --> 00:39:54,894 That's why we need more money for education! 667 00:39:54,919 --> 00:39:57,986 We need more books, more teachers, more classrooms, more schools! 668 00:39:58,011 --> 00:39:59,941 We need more testing for the kids! 669 00:40:00,061 --> 00:40:02,113 They say: "Well, you know, we tried all of that 670 00:40:02,138 --> 00:40:04,379 and the kids still can't pass the tests!" 671 00:40:04,475 --> 00:40:07,977 They say: "Oh, don't you worry about that! We're gonna lower the passing grades!" 672 00:40:08,002 --> 00:40:09,775 That's what they're doing at a lot of these schools! 673 00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:11,728 Now they're lowering the passing grades so more kids can pass! 674 00:40:11,753 --> 00:40:14,041 More kids pass, the school looks good, everybody's happy, 675 00:40:14,066 --> 00:40:16,368 the IQ of the country steps another two or three points... 676 00:40:16,393 --> 00:40:20,511 ...and pretty soon all you need to get into College is a fucking pencil! 677 00:40:21,357 --> 00:40:24,268 Got a pencil? Get the fuck in there! It's Physics! 678 00:40:24,388 --> 00:40:28,491 Then everyone wonders why 17 other countries graduate more scientists than we do... 679 00:40:28,611 --> 00:40:32,236 "Education!" Politicians know that word! They use it on you! 680 00:40:32,356 --> 00:40:35,502 Politicians have traditionally hidden behind three things: 681 00:40:35,622 --> 00:40:38,159 The flag, the Bible and children! 682 00:40:38,184 --> 00:40:41,174 "No child left behind!", "No child left behind!" 683 00:40:41,270 --> 00:40:44,701 Oh, really? Well, it wasn't long ago they were talking about giving kids a head start! 684 00:40:44,821 --> 00:40:49,593 Head start? Left behind? Someone's losing fucking ground here! 685 00:40:50,126 --> 00:40:53,051 But there's a reason, there's a reason, there's a reason for this... 686 00:40:53,171 --> 00:40:55,131 There's a reason education sucks, 687 00:40:55,163 --> 00:40:59,102 and it's the same reason that will never, ever, ever, be fixed... 688 00:40:59,198 --> 00:41:01,783 It's never gonna get any better! Don't look for it! 689 00:41:01,808 --> 00:41:03,369 Be happy with what you've got! 690 00:41:03,394 --> 00:41:06,761 Because the owners of this country don't want that! 691 00:41:06,981 --> 00:41:09,020 I'm talking about the real owners now, 692 00:41:09,045 --> 00:41:12,213 The real owners! The big, wealthy business interests that 693 00:41:12,238 --> 00:41:15,054 control things and make all the important decisions! 694 00:41:15,083 --> 00:41:16,536 Forget the politicians! 695 00:41:16,561 --> 00:41:20,434 The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice! 696 00:41:20,459 --> 00:41:21,649 You don't! 697 00:41:21,674 --> 00:41:25,747 You have no choice! You have owners! They own you! 698 00:41:25,812 --> 00:41:29,278 They own everything! They own all the important land... 699 00:41:29,303 --> 00:41:30,951 They own and control the corporations, 700 00:41:30,976 --> 00:41:34,828 they've long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the State Houses, the City Halls... 701 00:41:34,853 --> 00:41:36,490 They've got the judges in their back pockets, 702 00:41:36,515 --> 00:41:39,037 and they all own all the big media companies, so they control... 703 00:41:39,057 --> 00:41:41,475 ...just about all the news and information you get to hear! 704 00:41:41,500 --> 00:41:43,574 They got you by the balls! 705 00:41:43,670 --> 00:41:50,607 They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying, lobbying to get what they want! 706 00:41:50,727 --> 00:41:52,344 Well, we know what they want! 707 00:41:52,368 --> 00:41:55,083 They want more for themselves, and less for everyboy else! 708 00:41:55,108 --> 00:41:56,849 But I'll tell you what they don't want! 709 00:41:56,945 --> 00:42:00,327 They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking! 710 00:42:00,475 --> 00:42:03,045 They don't want well-informed, well-educated people 711 00:42:03,069 --> 00:42:04,372 capable of critical thinking! 712 00:42:04,397 --> 00:42:06,871 They're not interested in that! That doesn't help them! 713 00:42:06,991 --> 00:42:10,272 That's against their interest! That's right! 714 00:42:10,607 --> 00:42:14,021 They don't want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how 715 00:42:14,046 --> 00:42:17,450 badly they're getting fucked by a system that threw it overboard thirty fucking years ago... 716 00:42:17,475 --> 00:42:21,638 They don't want that! You know what they want? They want obedient workers! 717 00:42:21,663 --> 00:42:23,569 Obedient workers! 718 00:42:23,621 --> 00:42:26,872 People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork, 719 00:42:26,897 --> 00:42:29,354 and just dumb enough to passively accept... 720 00:42:29,379 --> 00:42:33,022 ...all these increasingly shittier jobs, with the lower pay, the longer hours, 721 00:42:33,047 --> 00:42:35,264 the reduced benefits, the end of overtime... 722 00:42:35,289 --> 00:42:38,153 ...and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it, 723 00:42:38,178 --> 00:42:41,592 and now they're coming for your social security money! 724 00:42:41,645 --> 00:42:45,130 They want your fucking retirement money! They want it back! 725 00:42:45,250 --> 00:42:48,122 So they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street! 726 00:42:48,147 --> 00:42:51,492 And you know something? They'll get it! They'll get it all from you sooner or later! 727 00:42:51,517 --> 00:42:56,447 'Cause they own this fucking place! It's a big club! And you ain't in it! 728 00:42:57,704 --> 00:43:00,959 You and I are not in the big club! 729 00:43:00,984 --> 00:43:03,304 By the way, it's the same big club that used to beat you over 730 00:43:03,329 --> 00:43:05,742 the head with all day long and they tell you what to believe... 731 00:43:05,767 --> 00:43:08,022 All day long, beating you over the head in the media, 732 00:43:08,047 --> 00:43:10,514 telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy... 733 00:43:10,610 --> 00:43:13,548 The table is tilted, folks! The game is rigged! 734 00:43:13,618 --> 00:43:17,407 And nobody seems to notice, and nobody seems to care! 735 00:43:17,527 --> 00:43:20,033 Good honest, hard-working people! White collar, blue collar... 736 00:43:20,058 --> 00:43:21,886 Doesn't matter what colour shirt you have on! 737 00:43:21,982 --> 00:43:24,247 Good honest, hard-working people continue... 738 00:43:24,272 --> 00:43:25,836 These are people of modest means...! 739 00:43:25,932 --> 00:43:30,063 ...continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don't give a fuck about them! 740 00:43:30,248 --> 00:43:34,709 They don't give a fuck about you! They don't care about you! 741 00:43:34,829 --> 00:43:41,202 At all! At all! At all! Yeah! You know? 742 00:43:42,403 --> 00:43:45,164 And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care... 743 00:43:45,284 --> 00:43:46,700 That's what the owners count on! 744 00:43:46,725 --> 00:43:48,826 The fact that Americans will probably remain... 745 00:43:48,851 --> 00:43:51,557 ...wilfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue 746 00:43:51,582 --> 00:43:54,495 dick that's being jammed up their assholes every day... 747 00:43:54,756 --> 00:43:57,574 Because the owners of this country know the truth! 748 00:43:57,623 --> 00:43:59,528 It's called the American dream... 749 00:43:59,553 --> 00:44:02,495 ...'cause you have to be asleep to believe it! 750 00:44:03,186 --> 00:44:07,252 But, say what you want about American folks! Yeah! 751 00:44:07,675 --> 00:44:09,996 You can say what you want about Americans, 752 00:44:10,021 --> 00:44:12,123 you can call 'em smart, dumb, ignorant, innocent, 753 00:44:12,148 --> 00:44:15,303 naive, gullible. easily-led, whatever you want... 754 00:44:15,394 --> 00:44:19,334 You're gonna have to deal with them, 'cause you're in the television business now! 755 00:44:19,359 --> 00:44:22,521 You've got the All-Suicide Channel on cable TV! 756 00:44:22,615 --> 00:44:25,239 You need these people as viewers, you need people looking in! 757 00:44:25,264 --> 00:44:26,918 You gotta worry about your ratings! 758 00:44:26,943 --> 00:44:29,365 You're gonna have to be thinking about sweeps months! 759 00:44:29,485 --> 00:44:32,466 Most folks know what sweeps months are! Those are the more important sweeps 760 00:44:32,491 --> 00:44:35,802 ratings, months of the year when they pull out on the biggest attractions 761 00:44:35,827 --> 00:44:37,977 and their highest stars, trying to pump out their ratings a little bit, 762 00:44:38,002 --> 00:44:40,127 get their local stations to adjust their advertising needs... 763 00:44:40,151 --> 00:44:45,486 You're gonna have to compete with the mentality of Network television! 764 00:44:45,565 --> 00:44:48,393 And I think, on an All-Suicide Channel... 765 00:44:48,588 --> 00:44:52,830 During sweeps months? You're gonna have to go mass suicides! 766 00:44:52,963 --> 00:44:56,307 Big, public events where hundreds of people kill themselves all at the same time,... 767 00:44:56,339 --> 00:44:57,777 ...right on Live TV! 768 00:44:57,802 --> 00:45:00,344 And I've been wresting with the way to do this! I've been trying to figure this out - 769 00:45:00,369 --> 00:45:02,877 I swear to God! This is the truth! I've been trying to figure this part of it out... 770 00:45:02,902 --> 00:45:07,202 ...for six months now, and I only recently having, so I'm gonna tell you about it... Now! 771 00:45:07,291 --> 00:45:10,391 We're gonna have to get lots and lots of people to kill themselves on demand! 772 00:45:10,416 --> 00:45:12,203 How are we gonna do this? That's the question! 773 00:45:12,228 --> 00:45:16,813 How are gonna get large numbers of people to commit suicide at a time and place of our choosing? 774 00:45:16,838 --> 00:45:19,844 And I mean large numbers! Because don't forget! Besides sweeps, 775 00:45:19,869 --> 00:45:22,696 we're gonna have to be thinking about 24-hour a day programming! 776 00:45:22,721 --> 00:45:25,399 So, to make this work, we need organization! We need a system! 777 00:45:25,424 --> 00:45:29,757 Can't just sit around the studio all day long and wait for people to drop by and commit suicide! 778 00:45:29,853 --> 00:45:34,404 What we have to do is build a large pool of hopeless people! 779 00:45:34,524 --> 00:45:39,118 Suicide volunteers! People with no hope! People whom society has given up on, 780 00:45:39,143 --> 00:45:41,823 faith has given up on, or who have given up on themselves! 781 00:45:41,919 --> 00:45:45,485 Rock-bottom, dead-end, totally fucked-up people with no hope 782 00:45:45,510 --> 00:45:49,329 and no reason to live! And we got our share of them, folks! 783 00:45:49,362 --> 00:45:52,141 Think of it as a pyramid, that will give you a visual fix-on! 784 00:45:52,166 --> 00:45:55,152 Think of it as a pyramid! The pyramid of the hopeless! 785 00:45:55,190 --> 00:45:58,016 We're gonna start building this pyramid at the very base, naturally, 786 00:45:58,041 --> 00:46:01,724 and the bottom layer is gonna be... homeless people! 787 00:46:01,820 --> 00:46:05,930 God knows we've got plenty of them! Nobody gives a fuck about them, nobody's got a plan, 788 00:46:05,962 --> 00:46:09,179 nobody's got any money, nobody's got a programme, nobody gives a fuck! 789 00:46:09,204 --> 00:46:11,446 ...about homeless people! We don't know how many we have, even! 790 00:46:11,471 --> 00:46:15,711 We know 500,000 of them are veterans, 'cause we're so good to the veterans in this country... 791 00:46:15,736 --> 00:46:19,822 ...and we know about 1,400,000 of them are children! 792 00:46:19,908 --> 00:46:23,197 ...so we got a million and a half children, then God knows how many more we've got! 793 00:46:23,222 --> 00:46:27,018 Totally fucking hopeless! In the pyramid they go! 794 00:46:27,369 --> 00:46:30,963 And the next group we're gonna put in here, these are the people in prison! 795 00:46:30,994 --> 00:46:33,516 With these long sentences they've been given... 796 00:46:33,612 --> 00:46:35,596 Many of them deserved, I'll grant you that! 797 00:46:35,628 --> 00:46:39,469 I'm sure half the people in prison are in there for things they really did... 798 00:46:39,494 --> 00:46:41,760 That's not a bad average, one out of two! 799 00:46:41,994 --> 00:46:44,291 But nobody gives a shit about these people, 800 00:46:44,316 --> 00:46:48,030 nobody's gonna hire them if they do get out! They're never gonna get out, rehabilitation doesn't work... 801 00:46:48,054 --> 00:46:51,193 And the judges give them these fucking draconian sentences, 40, 50, 60, 802 00:46:51,218 --> 00:46:54,258 70, 80, 100 years sentences, life-term, double life! 803 00:46:54,354 --> 00:46:56,776 One guy, about a month ago, was given three 804 00:46:56,801 --> 00:47:00,718 consecutive life-terms, plus two death penalties! 805 00:47:00,814 --> 00:47:03,151 How the fuck do you serve that? 806 00:47:03,979 --> 00:47:06,736 Even David Copperfield can't do that shit! 807 00:47:07,135 --> 00:47:10,283 In order to do that, you have to be a hindu! 808 00:47:12,057 --> 00:47:15,268 And then you've got the people on death row! They ain't going anywhere! 809 00:47:15,307 --> 00:47:17,393 In the fucking pyramid they go! 810 00:47:17,651 --> 00:47:20,860 Now the next layer, this group is self-selected! 811 00:47:20,885 --> 00:47:24,844 Self-selected! And a bit controversial to some of you, I guess! 812 00:47:24,869 --> 00:47:28,393 These are these people who claim to be depressed! OK? 813 00:47:28,424 --> 00:47:30,760 Apparently, in this land of plenty... 814 00:47:30,819 --> 00:47:34,361 ..this richest nation in the history of the world, we're so proud of saying that! 815 00:47:34,393 --> 00:47:37,166 Some supermarkets have 100,000 items in them... 816 00:47:37,199 --> 00:47:41,135 ...we have 19,000,000 Americans claiming to be depressed, 817 00:47:41,174 --> 00:47:42,815 and some of them taking medicine for it! 818 00:47:42,840 --> 00:47:45,101 Sometimes the medicine makes them want to commit suicide, 819 00:47:45,126 --> 00:47:47,191 and that depresses the shit out of the rest of them! 820 00:47:47,289 --> 00:47:50,619 Then you have these people who only think they are depressed, 821 00:47:50,644 --> 00:47:53,758 'cause they saw the commercial on TV and the doctor looked like a good guy... 822 00:47:53,783 --> 00:47:55,680 The music sounded kind of peppy, and what the fuck! 823 00:47:55,705 --> 00:47:58,354 Some of these pills are probably just pick me right up...! 824 00:47:58,869 --> 00:48:03,479 Totally fucking hopeless minds... In the fucking pyramid! 825 00:48:03,599 --> 00:48:07,618 Up at the very top we are gonna put the people who are truly sick! 826 00:48:07,838 --> 00:48:10,174 The terminally ill, unfortunately. 827 00:48:10,214 --> 00:48:12,689 No hope for a lot of them! Hundreds of thosands of them, 828 00:48:12,714 --> 00:48:14,633 there's no cure for what they have... 829 00:48:14,658 --> 00:48:16,580 There's no cure 'cause nobody's looking for one! 830 00:48:16,605 --> 00:48:18,951 There aren't enough people sick, so there ain't no money in the fucking cure... 831 00:48:18,976 --> 00:48:21,907 Then there's people who've got... There's a cure, but they don't have the money for it, 832 00:48:21,932 --> 00:48:26,276 or there's a cure but they're too far gone, or there's no social means to get to it... 833 00:48:26,317 --> 00:48:30,213 ...so these people ain't going anywhere, they should be allowed to commit suicide... 834 00:48:30,291 --> 00:48:32,135 In the fucking pyramid they go! 835 00:48:32,190 --> 00:48:34,477 Now, think of what you got here, folks! 836 00:48:34,502 --> 00:48:36,947 Think of yourselves as the executive vice-president 837 00:48:36,972 --> 00:48:39,266 of programming at the All-Suicide Channel! 838 00:48:39,291 --> 00:48:43,245 Think of what you have to work with in the pyramid of the hopeless! 839 00:48:43,270 --> 00:48:48,464 You've have homeless, imprisoned, condemned... 840 00:48:48,654 --> 00:48:51,360 ...depressed and terminally ill people! 841 00:48:51,394 --> 00:48:54,861 And I'm gonna bet you anything! In this depraved culture of ours, 842 00:48:54,886 --> 00:48:56,504 bet you anything... 843 00:48:56,529 --> 00:49:00,034 ...with the reality-show mentality we have, on the All-Suicide Channel 844 00:49:00,059 --> 00:49:02,683 you could get five hundred... 845 00:49:02,802 --> 00:49:08,929 ...of these hopeless people, to hold hands and jump into the Grand Canyon! 846 00:49:09,049 --> 00:49:13,221 I'll fucking bet you! You can get that done in this country right this now! 847 00:49:13,245 --> 00:49:17,612 I'll bet you! For money! You gotta give them something, you know, you've gotta... 848 00:49:17,697 --> 00:49:21,849 Oh, shit! They're Americans! They're for sale! Give them a little something! 849 00:49:21,919 --> 00:49:25,483 Americans will do anything, but you gotta give them a toaster, don't you? 850 00:49:25,603 --> 00:49:29,034 Give them a little prize of some kind! Everybody wants a gizmo! Give'em a gizmo! 851 00:49:29,059 --> 00:49:30,571 Give them a cellphone, give them a laptop! 852 00:49:30,596 --> 00:49:32,517 Give them a cellphone which takes the picture of a laptop! 853 00:49:32,542 --> 00:49:35,331 Give them a laptop which takes the picture of a cellphone! 854 00:49:35,524 --> 00:49:38,720 Give one of them three-wheeled vehicles, give them an all-terrain vehicle! 855 00:49:38,745 --> 00:49:41,462 Give them one of them ride-on lawnmowers, give them a snowblower, 856 00:49:41,487 --> 00:49:43,574 give them an outdoor barbecue, or a jetski... 857 00:49:43,599 --> 00:49:46,117 Give them one of them things that they buy for themselves when they're trying 858 00:49:46,142 --> 00:49:48,646 to take their minds off of how badly they're getting fucked by the system...! 859 00:49:48,671 --> 00:49:51,065 I know what you do! Just before these people jump, 860 00:49:51,097 --> 00:49:53,807 you give them a hat with a camera in it! 861 00:49:55,038 --> 00:49:57,744 And you tell them it's Jump-Cam! 862 00:49:57,769 --> 00:50:00,445 Tell them you send the video home to the family! 863 00:50:00,470 --> 00:50:03,940 T-Shirt! Who don't want a T-Shirt!? Everybody does! Give them a nice T-Shirt! 864 00:50:03,980 --> 00:50:07,933 "I commited suicide and all I got was a stupid fucking T-Shirt!" 865 00:50:08,679 --> 00:50:10,862 Alright? Now! 866 00:50:13,510 --> 00:50:16,540 If you wanna really raise the profile of this promotion, 867 00:50:16,565 --> 00:50:20,386 get some of those Evangelical Christians to volunteer for it... 868 00:50:20,411 --> 00:50:23,040 And you call it "Jump for Jesus!" 869 00:50:23,572 --> 00:50:26,851 "Jump for Jesus!" They would buy it! They would go for it! 870 00:50:26,876 --> 00:50:29,460 Hey, you gotta be fair about these Christians! 871 00:50:29,485 --> 00:50:31,929 They've come in for a lot of abuse these days... 872 00:50:31,954 --> 00:50:37,215 You do have to be fair! All a Christian really wants out of life is to die! 873 00:50:37,571 --> 00:50:39,712 And go see Jesus! 874 00:50:39,915 --> 00:50:42,235 Give them a helping hand! 875 00:50:42,400 --> 00:50:44,378 Do the Christian thing! 876 00:50:44,403 --> 00:50:46,547 Tell them it's a shortcut to heaven! 877 00:50:46,572 --> 00:50:48,790 Mention the word "martyr!" Works on the Muslims, works on 878 00:50:48,815 --> 00:50:51,008 the Catholics, might work on these folks, you never know! 879 00:50:51,032 --> 00:50:53,618 Hey! I know... 880 00:50:54,407 --> 00:50:56,399 Give them a little encouragement! 881 00:50:56,517 --> 00:51:00,931 Go on, you fanatical fucks! He's down there! He's down there! 882 00:51:01,108 --> 00:51:04,368 He's down there! He's at the bottom of the Canyon! 883 00:51:04,423 --> 00:51:07,204 Look for the man with the glowing head! 884 00:51:07,524 --> 00:51:10,227 Oh, you're gonna have a lot of fun with a channel like that! 885 00:51:10,353 --> 00:51:15,320 But you know something, folks? Maybe you don't wanna be on cable! It is a limited audience... 886 00:51:15,345 --> 00:51:17,977 You might wanna widen out, get more people looking in! 887 00:51:18,002 --> 00:51:22,105 You're gonna have to go to one of the Big Broadcast Networks... 888 00:51:22,130 --> 00:51:25,812 And I don't know about you, but when I think about suicide and Broadcast Network television, 889 00:51:25,837 --> 00:51:28,478 I'm thinking Fox, Huh? 890 00:51:28,735 --> 00:51:30,087 I'm telling you, Fox! 891 00:51:30,134 --> 00:51:33,116 If the people at Fox aren't sitting around and having meetings about an idea like this, 892 00:51:33,141 --> 00:51:35,251 they ain't doing their goddam jobs over there...! 893 00:51:35,524 --> 00:51:38,202 You put this thing on Fox, get Budweisser to sponsor it! 894 00:51:38,227 --> 00:51:40,305 Budweisser and a whole bunch of car companies, 895 00:51:40,330 --> 00:51:43,168 so people we think about drinking and driving at the same time... 896 00:51:43,266 --> 00:51:46,234 Ain't that fun to watch the sporting events on American Television? 897 00:51:46,259 --> 00:51:49,423 "Drink this, drive that, fuck you!" They don't care! 898 00:51:49,594 --> 00:51:50,985 They don't give a shit about you! 899 00:51:51,017 --> 00:51:54,158 And then every now and then they qualify the whole message! 900 00:51:54,183 --> 00:51:56,933 "Drink responsably!" 901 00:52:00,847 --> 00:52:04,023 So you put this thing on Fox, and if you do, if you do 902 00:52:04,048 --> 00:52:06,518 or in any Broadcast Network... 903 00:52:06,543 --> 00:52:08,609 You're gonna have to bring in that younger audience! 904 00:52:08,634 --> 00:52:09,766 Everybody knows that! 905 00:52:09,791 --> 00:52:13,102 That's what the advertisers are looking for, it's 18 to 24 year olds 906 00:52:13,127 --> 00:52:15,493 You're gonna have to get young people interested in this! 907 00:52:15,550 --> 00:52:17,798 You know how you get young people interested in suicide? 908 00:52:17,853 --> 00:52:19,791 You don't call it suicide! 909 00:52:19,842 --> 00:52:22,735 You call it "Extreme Living!" 910 00:52:23,462 --> 00:52:24,782 They would go for it! 911 00:52:24,814 --> 00:52:28,250 Listen, young people are attracted to suicide in the first place! 912 00:52:28,275 --> 00:52:32,897 Did you know suicide is the third leading cause of death between 15 and 24? 913 00:52:32,922 --> 00:52:36,779 It's the third! Ninth in the general population! 914 00:52:36,852 --> 00:52:38,579 That'll give you an idea of how popular 915 00:52:38,604 --> 00:52:41,118 this after-school activity has become...! 916 00:52:41,436 --> 00:52:45,567 ...among our teenage folks! Especially these young boys... 917 00:52:45,649 --> 00:52:47,860 ...these adolescent males, 918 00:52:47,931 --> 00:52:51,579 and a lot of them, you know? A lot of them... 919 00:52:51,604 --> 00:52:54,563 They kill themselves when they're jerking off...! 920 00:52:55,165 --> 00:52:58,810 They don't mean to! It just happens! 921 00:52:58,930 --> 00:53:03,088 You know about that? Yeah! Some of you know! I can tell! 922 00:53:03,113 --> 00:53:05,688 A lot of people don't know that! A lot of people never heard of that, you know? 923 00:53:05,720 --> 00:53:07,757 It's just one of those things Americans can't handle! 924 00:53:07,782 --> 00:53:09,882 "We can't handle that! We don't talk about that!" 925 00:53:09,907 --> 00:53:11,884 It's not on "Larry King" "Laverne Dane" and "Barbara Walters!" 926 00:53:11,915 --> 00:53:14,745 You ain't gonna see it in People magazine, but it's out there, folks... 927 00:53:14,770 --> 00:53:17,235 It's out there! And it's extremely common! 928 00:53:17,260 --> 00:53:20,598 You just ask any teenage boy you know, who trusts you! 929 00:53:20,649 --> 00:53:23,561 Ask him what he knows or what he's heard about... 930 00:53:23,586 --> 00:53:25,328 ...cutting off your air supply 931 00:53:25,353 --> 00:53:27,780 just at the moment you're about to have a sexual release... 932 00:53:27,805 --> 00:53:30,030 He is gonna tell you an interesting story or two! 933 00:53:30,073 --> 00:53:33,501 The kids call it "scarfing", 'cause some of them use scarfs to do it! 934 00:53:33,559 --> 00:53:36,352 Or screw the kids! Just get on the internet! Do it yourselves! 935 00:53:36,377 --> 00:53:39,677 Google in the words "auto erotic asphyxia!" 936 00:53:39,702 --> 00:53:42,165 "Auto erotic asphyxia", is the practice... 937 00:53:42,245 --> 00:53:45,259 ...of cutting off the oxygen to the brain at the last moment 938 00:53:45,284 --> 00:53:48,000 during masturbation in order to heighten the orgasm... 939 00:53:48,126 --> 00:53:52,438 and when I say "common"... A thousand kids a year die this way! OK? 940 00:53:52,501 --> 00:53:55,114 A thousand of them die! So think how many of them are... 941 00:53:55,139 --> 00:53:59,179 ...trying to pull this off! If you pardon the little pun I'm throwin' in 942 00:53:59,204 --> 00:54:01,345 ...just to lighten the mood! 943 00:54:01,657 --> 00:54:06,958 But here's the way it works! Apparently! I've never tried! It sounded risky to me! 944 00:54:07,574 --> 00:54:10,406 Well, jerking off is all I need! You know what I mean, folks! 945 00:54:10,431 --> 00:54:13,556 I ain't trying to double my money! Fuck that shit! 946 00:54:14,696 --> 00:54:19,806 I just jerk off, wipe off my chest, get up and go to work, you know? That's it! 947 00:54:25,543 --> 00:54:29,911 Nothing fancy! At our house we're simple folk! 948 00:54:30,274 --> 00:54:33,135 But here's the way it's supposed to work! 949 00:54:33,160 --> 00:54:36,230 And this is why it's such a big attraction in the first place! 950 00:54:36,255 --> 00:54:40,378 Apparently it is true! Medically, phisiologically speaking... 951 00:54:40,432 --> 00:54:43,823 ...that if you can cut off your air supply, the oxygen to your brain... 952 00:54:43,848 --> 00:54:47,445 ...just at the moment you're about to have an orgasm, the orgasm is about... 953 00:54:47,470 --> 00:54:49,712 ...I don't know! Let's say 500 times better! 954 00:54:49,737 --> 00:54:52,407 Something like that! It's incredibly intense! 955 00:54:52,432 --> 00:54:55,773 So, what you gotta do, is stand up on a chair, 956 00:54:55,798 --> 00:54:58,024 or bucket, or some kind of thing... 957 00:54:58,131 --> 00:55:02,186 ...you put a rope around your neck, and you start jerking off...! 958 00:55:12,934 --> 00:55:15,618 And while you're pulling your pod, 959 00:55:15,931 --> 00:55:18,864 while you're pulling your pod, you have to arrange... 960 00:55:18,889 --> 00:55:23,055 ...to almost strangle yourself just before you have an orgasm... 961 00:55:23,175 --> 00:55:28,626 And by the way, while all this activity is going on, you gotta maintain a hard-on! 962 00:55:28,746 --> 00:55:31,972 ...which ain't easy, 'cause you might just be getting ready to buy the farm... 963 00:55:32,013 --> 00:55:35,335 ...so you'd better be fantasizing about someone you really like...! 964 00:55:35,455 --> 00:55:37,986 ...or some thing you really like, I don't know what that my be! 965 00:55:38,011 --> 00:55:41,034 Maybe getting fucked in the ass by a Game Warden, who knows? 966 00:55:41,059 --> 00:55:45,489 Hey, I'm not here to judge! We are all different! To each his own! 967 00:55:45,609 --> 00:55:48,423 So let's recap...! 968 00:55:48,543 --> 00:55:52,643 Standing on a chair, rope around your neck, peter in your hand...! 969 00:55:52,763 --> 00:55:56,253 Now you have to time it just right! 970 00:55:56,373 --> 00:56:01,841 So that before you come, you almost die! 971 00:56:02,104 --> 00:56:05,714 And sometimes you miscalculate...! 972 00:56:05,834 --> 00:56:09,720 You don't know if you're coming or going! 973 00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:13,164 No way to know! No way to know! 974 00:56:19,263 --> 00:56:22,427 And the parents of these kids are to embarrassed to tell the police! 975 00:56:22,452 --> 00:56:26,098 So the put the kid's dick away and they say: "He had poor grades!" 976 00:56:28,427 --> 00:56:30,122 "His girlfriend left him!" 977 00:56:30,154 --> 00:56:33,896 "Oh, well, no wonder, lady! Look at his fucking hobbies!" 978 00:56:34,270 --> 00:56:36,323 Then they blame it on Heavy Metal, you know! 979 00:56:36,348 --> 00:56:38,980 I don't know if you remember that, but from that old incident, there... 980 00:56:39,005 --> 00:56:42,239 ...some years back - Judas Priest, or one of them headbanging bands, 981 00:56:42,264 --> 00:56:46,061 somebody played a song and after that they killed themselves, and so they blamed... 982 00:56:46,086 --> 00:56:48,098 ...suicide, and Heavy Metal... 983 00:56:48,123 --> 00:56:51,857 If it's murder, they tend to blame Rap these days, but... 984 00:56:51,953 --> 00:56:53,880 ...it's never the parents! 985 00:56:53,911 --> 00:56:57,028 Did you ever notice this? Parents apparently play no part... 986 00:56:57,053 --> 00:57:00,531 ...in the development and outcome of these kids! Parents... 987 00:57:00,601 --> 00:57:03,473 You know, they can raise a kid apparently, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 years, 988 00:57:03,498 --> 00:57:06,489 but if he turns out fucked up! Boy, they have nothing to do with that! 989 00:57:06,638 --> 00:57:09,386 "Must be those kids at the parking lot he hangs around with!" 990 00:57:09,411 --> 00:57:12,670 Parents gotta be among the most full of shit people in the world! 991 00:57:12,908 --> 00:57:15,415 Well, they always have been! Top to bottom! Front to back! 992 00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:18,164 Listen, in fairness, it comes with the job! 993 00:57:18,189 --> 00:57:22,042 If you wanna be a parent, you gotta be full of shit, at least half the time! 994 00:57:22,261 --> 00:57:24,501 Look at it this way! They have it both ways! 995 00:57:24,526 --> 00:57:27,664 If the kid turns out to be a loser, they have nothing to do with that...! 996 00:57:27,689 --> 00:57:30,376 But boy, if he's a winner, got a scholarship or something like that? 997 00:57:30,401 --> 00:57:33,330 Man, they're are the first ones out there raising their hands, trying to get a little credit...! 998 00:57:33,355 --> 00:57:37,262 It's a nice state of mind if you can talk yourselves into believing it...! 999 00:57:37,287 --> 00:57:40,095 But these are the kind of things I think about when I'm sitting home alone, 1000 00:57:40,120 --> 00:57:43,642 during an electrical storm, waiting for the parole officer to give me a call... 1001 00:57:43,690 --> 00:57:46,875 ...and these ideas come floating into my head! 1002 00:57:46,900 --> 00:57:48,894 Just floating right in! Unbidden! 1003 00:57:48,919 --> 00:57:51,282 I'm not asking for these things! 1004 00:57:51,322 --> 00:57:53,064 I'm a vessel! 1005 00:57:53,332 --> 00:57:57,173 I'm a mere vessel! In come these thoughts! 1006 00:57:57,298 --> 00:57:59,993 And some of them are a little offbeat! 1007 00:58:00,267 --> 00:58:02,087 I'm gonna grant you that! 1008 00:58:02,112 --> 00:58:05,408 I was thinking about these younger women who got buried today! 1009 00:58:05,468 --> 00:58:08,991 You ever think about them? Probably not! 1010 00:58:09,118 --> 00:58:12,626 But I was thinking about these younger women who died three or four days ago, 1011 00:58:12,651 --> 00:58:14,462 got buried today... 1012 00:58:14,524 --> 00:58:18,733 And some of them had a bad heart, you know? Some of them had a bad kidney... 1013 00:58:18,853 --> 00:58:23,398 ...but a lot of them had perfectly good pussies! 1014 00:58:23,678 --> 00:58:28,892 Good pussies, nice tits, reasonably tight assholes...! 1015 00:58:29,117 --> 00:58:31,337 Going to waste! 1016 00:58:31,362 --> 00:58:33,330 In the ground! 1017 00:58:33,584 --> 00:58:37,375 It just seems a shame to me! 1018 00:58:37,495 --> 00:58:40,441 That some fine young pussy...! 1019 00:58:40,561 --> 00:58:43,474 ...should be rotting away six feet under! 1020 00:58:43,594 --> 00:58:48,023 Because you'd think, in this era... 1021 00:58:48,143 --> 00:58:52,376 ...that if you can donate a heart... 1022 00:58:57,832 --> 00:59:00,239 ...to someone who needs one... 1023 00:59:00,359 --> 00:59:03,469 ...there oughta be a way to recycle some of these pussies... 1024 00:59:03,766 --> 00:59:05,734 And get them to people who need them! 1025 00:59:05,758 --> 00:59:10,102 Some old guy living up in the mountains! "Whoa...!" 1026 00:59:10,738 --> 00:59:13,522 "Holy shit! Look at this fucking thing! This is great! 1027 00:59:13,547 --> 00:59:16,487 Thank you very much, sir! I appreciate this! Thank you, thank you! 1028 00:59:16,512 --> 00:59:19,022 Thank you! God bless you! You're doing God's work! 1029 00:59:19,047 --> 00:59:20,750 I hope you know that! Don't you? 1030 00:59:21,086 --> 00:59:24,570 Hey, this is better than Publisher's Clearing House! 1031 00:59:25,264 --> 00:59:27,507 Listen here, buddy... 1032 00:59:27,532 --> 00:59:30,985 You ain't got a red-head of one of this, by any chance, don't you? 1033 00:59:31,112 --> 00:59:34,243 No, I didn't think so! I never had one of them myself, thank you very much...! 1034 00:59:34,273 --> 00:59:36,311 Listen here, this is the real thing, ain't it? 1035 00:59:36,336 --> 00:59:39,477 This ain't one of them storebook pussies you see at the old bookstore? 1036 00:59:39,606 --> 00:59:42,898 Huh? What's that? Oh, OK! Hold on! Just a second! 1037 00:59:42,961 --> 00:59:45,055 Whoa...! 1038 00:59:45,851 --> 00:59:49,627 Jesus Christ on a cracker! That's the real fucking thing! 1039 00:59:50,039 --> 00:59:54,951 I'd recognize that son of a bitch anywhere! That straightened out my nose hairs! 1040 00:59:55,248 --> 00:59:58,314 I'd better get this sucker home and get into the refrigerator quick as I can! 1041 00:59:58,434 --> 01:00:03,688 The "Save-A-Pussy Foundation!" Give the gift that keeps on giving! 1042 01:00:04,713 --> 01:00:09,394 Fuck the whales! Save the pussy! 1043 01:00:09,926 --> 01:00:11,823 But you wouldn't wanna save all of them! 1044 01:00:11,848 --> 01:00:15,628 Not all of them! Some of them are worn out! 1045 01:00:15,892 --> 01:00:19,139 Oh, you wouldn't want one of them big old rubbery things! That ain't no good! 1046 01:00:19,259 --> 01:00:23,820 What you want is something nice and tight, but flexible! 1047 01:00:24,117 --> 01:00:29,128 Maybe they have an age limit! Or a mileage check! 1048 01:00:29,623 --> 01:00:31,763 You know, you figure out the average length of the average dick, 1049 01:00:31,788 --> 01:00:34,185 the average number of thusts per event, the average number 1050 01:00:34,210 --> 01:00:37,324 of events per lifetime... You've got that lady's mileage! 1051 01:00:37,349 --> 01:00:40,305 And you women, I don't want you to think I wanna leave you out of the fun! 1052 01:00:40,330 --> 01:00:42,529 We're gonna get you a nice set of cock and balls, OK? 1053 01:00:42,614 --> 01:00:46,455 We'll get you something nice just after rigor mortis sets in! 1054 01:00:46,801 --> 01:00:49,575 Tell the truth, ladies! Wouldn't you like a nice set of cock 1055 01:00:49,600 --> 01:00:52,214 and balls without all the bullshit that comes with them? 1056 01:00:52,239 --> 01:00:53,853 Huh? Fucking-A! 1057 01:00:53,877 --> 01:00:56,158 We'll get you something nice to keep it on the nightstand! 1058 01:00:56,183 --> 01:00:58,166 It's really easy to find in the dark! 1059 01:00:58,257 --> 01:01:01,822 And if your mother comes over... Put a hat on it! 1060 01:01:03,417 --> 01:01:07,142 Well, somebody's got to think of these things! Apparently, I've been appointed! 1061 01:01:09,367 --> 01:01:13,373 I was dancing with a woman! She told me she had a yeast infection! 1062 01:01:13,653 --> 01:01:18,021 I said: "Bag me a fucking loaf of bread!" 1063 01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:21,861 A couple of corn muffins, a jelly doughnut, I don't give a shit! 1064 01:01:22,125 --> 01:01:25,636 I'm always in the market for quality baked goods! 1065 01:01:25,756 --> 01:01:29,312 You couldn't squeeze a birthday cake out of that thing by any chance, could you, huh? 1066 01:01:29,576 --> 01:01:32,791 No, no, I didn't think so... No pressure, honey! No pressure at all! 1067 01:01:32,911 --> 01:01:36,747 Why don't you just turn around and give me a nice pineapple upside-down cake? 1068 01:01:37,142 --> 01:01:41,642 And a dozen oatmeal cookies! Skip the raisins! 1069 01:01:41,972 --> 01:01:45,945 X-nay on the aisins-ray...! 1070 01:01:47,552 --> 01:01:51,343 Well, I think it is certainly apparent by now... 1071 01:01:51,455 --> 01:01:55,143 ...that one of the things I enjoy in life is excess... 1072 01:01:55,263 --> 01:01:57,489 I like things that are excessive! 1073 01:01:57,568 --> 01:02:01,699 I like excessive behaviour, excessive language, excessive violence... 1074 01:02:01,731 --> 01:02:07,215 It's fun! It's interesting! It's exciting! I like it when nature is excessive... 1075 01:02:07,328 --> 01:02:10,223 That's why I like natural disasters! 1076 01:02:10,279 --> 01:02:12,496 All these natural disasters that have been going on.... 1077 01:02:12,521 --> 01:02:16,919 I fucking love them! I can't get enough of them! 1078 01:02:17,071 --> 01:02:18,888 Oh, when nature is going crazy, 1079 01:02:18,913 --> 01:02:21,826 throwing things around, scaring people and destroying property.. 1080 01:02:21,851 --> 01:02:26,181 ...I'm a happy fucking guy! I'm a happy fucking guy! 1081 01:02:26,301 --> 01:02:29,230 I look at it this way! For centuries now... 1082 01:02:29,350 --> 01:02:31,803 ...man has done everything he can 1083 01:02:31,834 --> 01:02:35,309 to destroy, defile and interfere with nature! 1084 01:02:35,334 --> 01:02:38,481 Clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, 1085 01:02:38,506 --> 01:02:40,402 poisoning the atmosphere... 1086 01:02:40,427 --> 01:02:42,911 ...over-fishing the oceans, polluting 1087 01:02:42,936 --> 01:02:46,271 the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquiferes... 1088 01:02:46,296 --> 01:02:47,982 ...so when nature strikes back, 1089 01:02:48,014 --> 01:02:50,959 and smashes man in the head and kicks him in the nuts... 1090 01:02:51,142 --> 01:02:56,297 I enjoy that! I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever...! 1091 01:02:56,436 --> 01:02:57,528 None! 1092 01:02:57,553 --> 01:03:00,045 And no matter what kind of problem homans are facing, 1093 01:03:00,070 --> 01:03:02,453 whether it's natural or man-made... 1094 01:03:02,892 --> 01:03:08,051 I always hope it gets worse! Don't you? Don't you? 1095 01:03:08,347 --> 01:03:13,984 Don't you have a part of you that secretly hopes everything gets worse? 1096 01:03:14,611 --> 01:03:19,606 When you see a big fire on TV... Don't you hope it spreads? 1097 01:03:19,952 --> 01:03:25,243 Don't you hope it gets completely out of control and burns down six counties? 1098 01:03:25,573 --> 01:03:28,573 You don't root for the firemen, do you? 1099 01:03:28,628 --> 01:03:31,206 I mean, I don't want them to get hurt or nothing, but... 1100 01:03:31,281 --> 01:03:35,843 I don't want them putting out my fire! That's my fire! 1101 01:03:35,963 --> 01:03:40,656 That's nature! Showing off and having fun! 1102 01:03:41,150 --> 01:03:45,304 You know something else I like? Those spring floods in the Midwest! 1103 01:03:45,424 --> 01:03:48,996 Aren't they great? Like clockwork! Spring floods in the Midwest! 1104 01:03:49,116 --> 01:03:51,623 But I'm starting to notice, I'm starting to catch on 1105 01:03:51,655 --> 01:03:54,483 that every year it's the same story! 1106 01:03:54,539 --> 01:03:57,045 Another flood, in the same place, 1107 01:03:57,070 --> 01:04:00,991 with the same people on the same river... Same fucking people! 1108 01:04:01,234 --> 01:04:04,630 And these people will not move! They will not fucking move! 1109 01:04:04,742 --> 01:04:07,428 They repaint, put down new carpeting and wallpaper 1110 01:04:07,453 --> 01:04:09,449 and they move right back into the same fucking 1111 01:04:09,481 --> 01:04:11,451 house, on the floodplain, next to the river... 1112 01:04:11,484 --> 01:04:14,028 ...and then they wonder why grandma's floating downstream 1113 01:04:14,053 --> 01:04:15,623 with a parakeet on her head! 1114 01:04:16,314 --> 01:04:20,529 Fourth time, again! Fourth fucking tine! 1115 01:04:20,649 --> 01:04:23,351 There's no learning curve with these people! 1116 01:04:23,376 --> 01:04:25,985 It's very hard to feel sorry for them! 1117 01:04:26,117 --> 01:04:29,742 Every year! Same people! Same rowboats! 1118 01:04:29,774 --> 01:04:33,962 Out there, paddling around... Rescuing a chicken! 1119 01:04:34,474 --> 01:04:39,337 What the fuck kind of a life is that? "Well, our kids love it here!" 1120 01:04:39,457 --> 01:04:43,574 Oh, really? What have they got? Gills? 1121 01:04:44,212 --> 01:04:46,344 And while they're showing all that shit on the screen, 1122 01:04:46,369 --> 01:04:47,806 the announcer is saying to me... 1123 01:04:47,831 --> 01:04:50,157 "It's been raining steadily for three months now, 1124 01:04:50,182 --> 01:04:51,735 the ground can't hold any more water, 1125 01:04:51,760 --> 01:04:54,383 the river is cresty higher than it has in two centuries, 1126 01:04:54,408 --> 01:04:56,025 the levees are washed away..." 1127 01:04:56,105 --> 01:05:01,071 ...and I just hope it keeps raining! And raining, and raining, and raining...! 1128 01:05:01,103 --> 01:05:04,702 ...and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining... 1129 01:05:04,727 --> 01:05:09,289 ...and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining, and raining! 1130 01:05:09,314 --> 01:05:12,650 and it rains steadily for five years! 1131 01:05:12,816 --> 01:05:17,151 And then, after that, for ten years it's cloudy! 1132 01:05:17,271 --> 01:05:19,516 With occasional showers! 1133 01:05:19,587 --> 01:05:22,528 And the river never returns to its natural banks! 1134 01:05:22,553 --> 01:05:24,640 And becomes a completely new river! 1135 01:05:24,665 --> 01:05:27,655 And the borders of three states have to be changed! 1136 01:05:27,680 --> 01:05:31,615 And all the maps and atlases have to be redrawn and reprinted! 1137 01:05:31,735 --> 01:05:35,686 And no-one's couch ever completely dries out! 1138 01:05:35,806 --> 01:05:41,357 For years and years, every time they sit down, there's always a little "squish!" 1139 01:05:42,222 --> 01:05:46,289 "Dan, Linda! Come on in you guys! Have a seat!" (Squish, squish) 1140 01:05:46,727 --> 01:05:50,555 I like that! I'm an interesting guy! 1141 01:05:50,740 --> 01:05:53,539 I always hope that no matter how small the original problem is, 1142 01:05:53,563 --> 01:05:56,710 it's gonna grow into bigger and bigger proportions, until it gets completely out of control, 1143 01:05:56,735 --> 01:05:58,529 and I'll give you a concrete example... 1144 01:05:58,554 --> 01:06:01,735 Let's say a water main breaks in downtown Los Angeles, 1145 01:06:01,760 --> 01:06:04,773 and it floods an electrical substation, knocking out all the traffic lights 1146 01:06:04,798 --> 01:06:08,055 and tying up the entire city, and emergency vehicles can't get through! 1147 01:06:08,080 --> 01:06:11,978 and at the same time, one of those month-long global warming heatwaves comes along, 1148 01:06:12,003 --> 01:06:14,368 but there's no air conditioning, there's no water for sanitation... 1149 01:06:14,393 --> 01:06:16,736 So cholera, smallpox and dysentery break out, 1150 01:06:16,761 --> 01:06:18,814 and thousands of people start dying in the streets! 1151 01:06:18,839 --> 01:06:21,369 But before they die, parasites eat their brains! 1152 01:06:21,394 --> 01:06:24,119 ...and they go completely fucking crazy, and they storm the hospital, 1153 01:06:24,144 --> 01:06:26,087 but the hospital can't handle all the casualties, 1154 01:06:26,112 --> 01:06:29,268 so these people rape all the nurses and set the hospital on fire...! 1155 01:06:29,426 --> 01:06:31,431 ...and the flames drive them ever crazier, 1156 01:06:31,456 --> 01:06:34,673 so they start stabbing social workers and garbage men...! 1157 01:06:34,700 --> 01:06:37,353 And a big wind comes along, and the entire city goes up in flames, 1158 01:06:37,378 --> 01:06:40,298 and the people who are still healthy, they get mad at the sick people 1159 01:06:40,353 --> 01:06:42,689 and they start crucifying them! Nailing them into crosses, 1160 01:06:42,714 --> 01:06:45,064 trying on their underwear, shit like that! 1161 01:06:45,616 --> 01:06:48,580 Then everybody smokes crack, and PCP and they march on City Hall, 1162 01:06:48,605 --> 01:06:50,900 where they burn the Mayor at the stake, strangle his wife, 1163 01:06:50,925 --> 01:06:53,924 and take turns sodomizing the statue of Larry Flint! 1164 01:06:54,855 --> 01:06:58,211 And at this point, it looks like pretty soon 1165 01:06:58,236 --> 01:07:01,509 things are gonna start to get out of control! 1166 01:07:01,844 --> 01:07:04,734 So everybody panics, and tries to leave the city at the same time, 1167 01:07:04,759 --> 01:07:07,501 and they trample each other to death in the streets by the thousands, 1168 01:07:07,526 --> 01:07:08,955 and wild dogs eat their corpses... 1169 01:07:09,035 --> 01:07:11,697 ...and the wild dogs chase the rest of the people down the highway, 1170 01:07:11,722 --> 01:07:14,455 and one by one the dogs pick up the old fucks and the slow people, 1171 01:07:14,480 --> 01:07:16,773 'cause they're in the fast lane, where they don't belong! 1172 01:07:16,798 --> 01:07:19,001 Get the fuck out of the fast lane if you're an old fuck, 1173 01:07:19,026 --> 01:07:23,502 if you're a slow fuck! Get over on the right! And then... 1174 01:07:24,277 --> 01:07:26,236 And the lucky ones, the lucky people who managed 1175 01:07:26,261 --> 01:07:28,767 to make it all the way outside of town, they discover when they get there, 1176 01:07:28,792 --> 01:07:31,346 that big sparks from the city have lit the suburbs on fire...! 1177 01:07:31,386 --> 01:07:33,220 ...and the suburbs burn uncontrollolably, 1178 01:07:33,245 --> 01:07:36,984 and thousands of identical homes, of identical fires with identical smoke... 1179 01:07:37,009 --> 01:07:38,898 ...killing all the identical soccer moms, 1180 01:07:38,923 --> 01:07:42,361 and their identical kids named Jason and Jennifer...! 1181 01:07:42,540 --> 01:07:44,759 And now the fire spreads on the farmlands, 1182 01:07:44,784 --> 01:07:47,673 and the farmlands burn intensely, at 425 degrees, 1183 01:07:47,698 --> 01:07:50,213 creating millions of baked potatoes, and... 1184 01:07:50,589 --> 01:07:52,939 ...as the farmlands burn, 1185 01:07:52,964 --> 01:07:55,369 thousands of barns and farmhouses begin to explode 1186 01:07:55,394 --> 01:07:57,869 from all the heat and metamphetamine labs! 1187 01:07:58,121 --> 01:08:00,806 ...and the meth chemicals run down into the rivers and streams, 1188 01:08:00,831 --> 01:08:04,486 while wild animals drink the water and get completely geeked on speed! 1189 01:08:04,806 --> 01:08:06,642 So bears and wolves amped up on crank 1190 01:08:06,667 --> 01:08:09,455 start roaming the countryside looking for people to eat! 1191 01:08:09,627 --> 01:08:12,606 Even though they're not really hungry! 1192 01:08:12,743 --> 01:08:15,650 And the fire spreads through the forests, and the forests burn furiously, 1193 01:08:15,675 --> 01:08:17,859 and hundreds of elves and trolls and fairies 1194 01:08:17,884 --> 01:08:20,844 come running out of the woods, screaming: "Bambi's dead! Bambi's dead!" 1195 01:08:20,869 --> 01:08:23,283 And he is! He is! Finally that fucking little 1196 01:08:23,308 --> 01:08:26,861 cunt Bambi is dead! Dead! 1197 01:08:27,962 --> 01:08:30,555 Now, hundreds of regional fires come together 1198 01:08:30,580 --> 01:08:32,736 into one huge interstate inferno...! 1199 01:08:32,761 --> 01:08:35,869 ...and all twelve of the western United States are burning out of control....! 1200 01:08:35,894 --> 01:08:38,799 Except Utah, where the mormons don't love fires... 1201 01:08:39,366 --> 01:08:41,415 And the fires spread across the great plains, 1202 01:08:41,440 --> 01:08:43,759 toasting the wheat, cooking the cattle and producing... 1203 01:08:43,784 --> 01:08:45,596 hamburgers, actually! 1204 01:08:45,932 --> 01:08:48,212 And it leads to Mississippi, and rinses thru the South, 1205 01:08:48,237 --> 01:08:50,494 blowing up stills, interrupting lynchings 1206 01:08:50,519 --> 01:08:53,525 and killing millions of in-bred people, and then - 1207 01:08:53,617 --> 01:08:55,900 ...it turns north-east and heads for Washington D.C., 1208 01:08:55,925 --> 01:08:59,400 where George Bush can't decide if it's an emergency or not! 1209 01:08:59,500 --> 01:09:03,064 I can't decide this! He doesn't know! 1210 01:09:03,089 --> 01:09:06,634 It's hard work! You know? 1211 01:09:09,007 --> 01:09:13,161 He can't decide because Dick Cheney is in prison! So... 1212 01:09:13,184 --> 01:09:15,876 ...instead he takes a nap! 1213 01:09:15,901 --> 01:09:18,883 He puts his empty fucking brainless head down on the little pillow 1214 01:09:18,908 --> 01:09:22,103 his mother gave him at Christmas time, and he takes a fucking nap...! 1215 01:09:22,188 --> 01:09:24,388 So the fire moves to Philadelphia, but it's a weekend, 1216 01:09:24,413 --> 01:09:26,732 and Philadelphia is closed on the weekends... 1217 01:09:26,877 --> 01:09:29,675 So the fire moves to New York City, and the people in New York 1218 01:09:29,700 --> 01:09:35,286 tell the fire to go fuck itself! "Go fuck yourself!" And it does...! 1219 01:09:38,453 --> 01:09:41,622 And it does! So instead it burns Long Island and Connecticut, 1220 01:09:41,647 --> 01:09:43,544 killing all the rich white assholes 1221 01:09:43,569 --> 01:09:46,622 and completely destroying their evil faggoty golf courses! 1222 01:09:50,488 --> 01:09:56,290 And while all this is going on, Canada burns to the ground, but nobody notices! 1223 01:09:56,767 --> 01:09:59,325 And now the entire North American continent is on fire, 1224 01:09:59,350 --> 01:10:02,153 producing a huge thermal object, and creating an incendiary 1225 01:10:02,178 --> 01:10:05,076 cyclonic macrosystem that forms a hemispheric megastorm... 1226 01:10:05,101 --> 01:10:07,333 ...breaking down the molecular structure of the atmosphere 1227 01:10:07,358 --> 01:10:10,316 and actually changing the laws of nature! Fire and water combine! 1228 01:10:10,341 --> 01:10:12,404 Burning clouds of flaming rain fall upward! 1229 01:10:12,429 --> 01:10:14,505 Gamma rays and solar winds ignite ionosphere 1230 01:10:14,530 --> 01:10:16,411 creating a huge cloud of ionized plasma! 1231 01:10:16,451 --> 01:10:19,979 Bolts of lightning twenty million miles long begin shooting out of the North Pole, and... 1232 01:10:20,004 --> 01:10:23,378 ...the sky fills up with green shit! 1233 01:10:24,014 --> 01:10:26,157 And then, suddenly, the entire fabric 1234 01:10:26,182 --> 01:10:28,566 of space-time splits in two...! 1235 01:10:28,667 --> 01:10:30,987 A huge crack in the universe open! 1236 01:10:31,012 --> 01:10:34,321 And all the dead people from the past begin falling through...! 1237 01:10:34,346 --> 01:10:37,393 ...Babe Ruth, Groucho Marx, Davy Crockett, Tiny Tim, 1238 01:10:37,418 --> 01:10:40,463 Porky Pig, Hitler, Janis Joplin, Alan Ladd... 1239 01:10:40,488 --> 01:10:43,089 My uncle Dave! Your uncle Dave! 1240 01:10:43,267 --> 01:10:48,245 Everybody's uncle Dave! An endless stream of dead uncle Daves falling thru the crack! 1241 01:10:48,510 --> 01:10:52,021 And all the dead uncle Daves gather around the heavenly kitchen table...! 1242 01:10:52,141 --> 01:10:54,729 They light up cigarettes and then they begin to talk! 1243 01:10:54,754 --> 01:10:56,573 They talk about how they never got a break...! 1244 01:10:56,635 --> 01:10:59,674 How their parents didn't love them and their children were ungrateful! 1245 01:10:59,699 --> 01:11:02,096 They talk about how the government screwed them out of money, 1246 01:11:02,120 --> 01:11:03,878 and they just missed out on a big job...! 1247 01:11:03,927 --> 01:11:07,483 They say the Jews own everything, and the blacks get special treatment...! 1248 01:11:07,557 --> 01:11:10,378 And all the hatred and bitterness, drips out of these people, 1249 01:11:10,403 --> 01:11:12,339 and forms a big pool of liquid hate... 1250 01:11:12,383 --> 01:11:14,526 ...and the pool of liquid hate begins to spin! 1251 01:11:14,551 --> 01:11:16,393 Round and round it spins, faster and faster! 1252 01:11:16,418 --> 01:11:18,292 And the faster it spins, the bigger it gets...! 1253 01:11:18,333 --> 01:11:20,042 ...faster and faster, bigger and bigger, 1254 01:11:20,067 --> 01:11:22,503 until the whirling pool of hate is bigger than the entire universe, 1255 01:11:22,528 --> 01:11:27,110 and then suddenly it explodes into trillions of tiny stars... 1256 01:11:27,135 --> 01:11:29,409 And every star has a trillion planets, 1257 01:11:29,434 --> 01:11:32,370 and every planet has a trillion uncle Daves... 1258 01:11:32,475 --> 01:11:37,307 And all the uncle Daves have good jobs, perfect eyesight and shoes that fit... 1259 01:11:37,385 --> 01:11:40,276 They have great sex lives and free health care, 1260 01:11:40,301 --> 01:11:43,112 They understand the internet, their kids think they're cool, 1261 01:11:43,137 --> 01:11:45,081 and they all love their neighbours... 1262 01:11:45,133 --> 01:11:49,595 And every week, without fail, uncle Dave wins the lottery... 1263 01:11:49,815 --> 01:11:51,745 ...forever and ever, till the end of time, 1264 01:11:51,770 --> 01:11:55,087 every single uncle Dave has a winning ticket, 1265 01:11:55,112 --> 01:11:57,753 and uncle Dave is finally happy! 1266 01:11:57,837 --> 01:12:01,276 Now do you see why I like it when nature gets even with humans...? 1267 01:12:01,301 --> 01:12:03,581 Thanks for coming in here tonight! 1268 01:12:07,859 --> 01:12:10,909 Thank you! See you later!