1
00:00:02,267 --> 00:00:05,293
- Most would agree.
- I don't agree.
2
00:00:05,370 --> 00:00:08,066
- Will you look at your skin?
- I am. What's the matter with it?
3
00:00:08,140 --> 00:00:10,074
- It's all blotchy.
- How? I don't see it.
4
00:00:10,142 --> 00:00:12,975
Dad, will you look at Sweet Dee's skin
and tell me it's not blotchy?
5
00:00:13,045 --> 00:00:15,138
- Do I have to listen to this shit all morning?
- Come on.
6
00:00:15,214 --> 00:00:16,943
Frank, you've gotta be kidding
with these receipts.
7
00:00:17,015 --> 00:00:18,983
We were actually doing better
before you took over.
8
00:00:19,051 --> 00:00:22,919
Hey! Hey! What's up, guys?
I didn't hear you guys come in.
9
00:00:22,988 --> 00:00:25,718
Uh, you know, I was actually in here
early opening up this morning...
10
00:00:25,791 --> 00:00:27,725
Charlie, we had an agreement.
11
00:00:27,793 --> 00:00:29,886
This is a place of business,
not your home.
12
00:00:29,962 --> 00:00:33,489
- Uh, yeah, I know that.
- Not supposed to sleep in the bar anymore, bro.
13
00:00:33,565 --> 00:00:35,897
- I wasn't.
- You didn't come home last night.
14
00:00:35,968 --> 00:00:38,436
Oh, okay, okay.
Well, guess what.
15
00:00:38,503 --> 00:00:42,269
- I found some extensive water damage in the back office.
- What?
16
00:00:42,341 --> 00:00:44,309
Yeah, so, maybe
I'm not such a bad guy...
17
00:00:44,376 --> 00:00:46,606
for passing out in there
and drinking too much or whatever.
18
00:00:46,678 --> 00:00:50,978
- That's a terrible excuse, dude.
- Well, I drank too much, so lay off.
19
00:00:51,049 --> 00:00:53,574
Holy shit! Guys, come here!
Come here! Check this out!
20
00:00:53,652 --> 00:00:55,643
Look!
21
00:00:55,721 --> 00:00:57,848
- What?
- What?
22
00:00:57,923 --> 00:01:00,153
That is the Virgin Mary.
23
00:01:00,225 --> 00:01:02,853
- What?
- Oh, take it easy, bro.
24
00:01:02,928 --> 00:01:04,987
No, look. The head
and the arms and the cape.
25
00:01:05,063 --> 00:01:06,758
- Does look like it. Weird.
- I don't see it.
26
00:01:06,832 --> 00:01:09,767
What if it's a sign?
You guys, remember, I wanted to be a priest.
27
00:01:09,835 --> 00:01:14,465
- That's a water stain, dude.
- Or it could be a sign that we need to get our pipes fixed.
28
00:01:14,539 --> 00:01:17,303
What if it's a miracle?
29
00:01:17,376 --> 00:01:21,745
Listen. It could be a miracle.
It could be bullshit.
30
00:01:21,813 --> 00:01:24,145
There's only one thing
we know for sure.
31
00:01:24,216 --> 00:01:27,947
- What's that?
- It's a goddamn gold mine.
32
00:02:03,287 --> 00:02:05,517
Well, I'll tell you, Jim.
I was in the back office...
33
00:02:05,590 --> 00:02:08,525
and I'd just finished praying
on my rosaries.
34
00:02:08,593 --> 00:02:11,653
And I was doing some crunches,
you know, working on my abs.
35
00:02:11,729 --> 00:02:13,959
And that's when I saw it.
36
00:02:14,031 --> 00:02:16,124
And I thought to myself...
37
00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,327
"That is definitely
the mother of our Lord."
38
00:02:18,402 --> 00:02:21,269
Did my face look fat?
39
00:02:21,339 --> 00:02:24,206
- Yeah.
- No, don't-don't screw with me here.
40
00:02:24,275 --> 00:02:26,675
- Seriously. It's just the TV, right?
- No, it's been looking fat.
41
00:02:26,744 --> 00:02:32,341
So, if you like the Virgin Mary and you like beer,
come on down to Paddy's Pub.
42
00:02:32,416 --> 00:02:37,319
- We got 'em both.
- Welcome to Paddy's Pub, home of the Blessed Mother.
43
00:02:37,388 --> 00:02:40,846
- Would you care to make a donation?
- How much should I give?
44
00:02:40,925 --> 00:02:45,453
Well, what price can one put on
the viewing of a miracle?
45
00:02:45,530 --> 00:02:48,431
Give whatever you can.
46
00:02:51,002 --> 00:02:53,061
These people are pathetic.
47
00:02:53,137 --> 00:02:56,038
Yeah, Dad, I really don't feel very good
about what we're doing in here.
48
00:02:56,107 --> 00:02:58,041
Well, don't get all
high-and-mighty on me.
49
00:02:58,109 --> 00:03:01,545
I only made four dollars, Deandra.
I think I can live with myself.
50
00:03:01,612 --> 00:03:05,776
Let's move, lady. We got a long line here.
Don't be selfish. All right. Rollin' on in.
51
00:03:05,850 --> 00:03:08,478
This is one of the more ridiculous things
we have ever done, dude.
52
00:03:08,553 --> 00:03:11,545
I will tell you what is ridiculous...
Taking advantage of the mother of God.
53
00:03:11,622 --> 00:03:14,420
Are you kidding me?
That is a water stain, man.
54
00:03:14,492 --> 00:03:17,325
We are really pushing our luck
with the big guy upstairs on this one.
55
00:03:17,395 --> 00:03:21,229
Dude, if you don't think you're going to hell,
you need to take a long look at yourself.
56
00:03:21,299 --> 00:03:23,392
- Go look at yourself, bro.
- Okay, I'll do that.
57
00:03:23,467 --> 00:03:26,129
- Yeah, do it.
- Dee Reynolds?
58
00:03:26,204 --> 00:03:29,901
Oh, wow. It is you.
Matthew Mara.
59
00:03:29,974 --> 00:03:33,740
We were in physical therapy together
twice a week after school.
60
00:03:33,811 --> 00:03:36,780
I was the only other person
in physical therapy with you.
61
00:03:36,847 --> 00:03:40,044
- Huh.
- I wore the giant leg braces.
62
00:03:40,117 --> 00:03:43,143
- Oh, my God. Yeah, with the leg braces.
- Yeah.
63
00:03:43,221 --> 00:03:47,282
- Wow. You look different.
- Yeah, so do you. No more back brace, I see.
64
00:03:47,358 --> 00:03:49,724
- You look wonderful. Yeah.
- Oh.
65
00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:51,989
- Matty Mara?
- Hello, Mac.
66
00:03:52,063 --> 00:03:55,089
I knew it! I called it from across the bar,
even without the cripple braces.
67
00:03:55,166 --> 00:03:59,296
- So, what? You're a priest now?
- Wow! Look at you. Little Matty Mara all grown up, huh?
68
00:03:59,370 --> 00:04:02,999
- Hey, Dennis, little Matty Mara's here.
- Hey-oh!
69
00:04:03,074 --> 00:04:05,065
Hey, you come to witness
the miracle for yourself?
70
00:04:05,142 --> 00:04:08,771
Miracle's a strong word, Mac.
We don't just throw that around like a football.
71
00:04:08,846 --> 00:04:12,407
- Well, you should.
- Well, I just came out of curiosity.
72
00:04:12,483 --> 00:04:15,475
See what you had
at this bar of yours.
73
00:04:15,553 --> 00:04:18,386
- You have to admit it's her, dude.
- Well, it's quite a likeness.
74
00:04:18,456 --> 00:04:21,050
- Yeah. You think it's a sign?
- No, it's a stain.
75
00:04:21,125 --> 00:04:23,855
But, uh, it's an interesting stain.
I'll give you that.
76
00:04:23,928 --> 00:04:26,192
- Hey, Matty.
- Hello, Dennis. How are you?
77
00:04:26,264 --> 00:04:28,198
I've been better.
I've been better.
78
00:04:28,266 --> 00:04:31,793
Let me ask you a question, man. I know
it's been years since we've seen each other...
79
00:04:31,869 --> 00:04:33,928
but does my face look fat to you?
80
00:04:34,005 --> 00:04:37,304
Well, we've all put on a few pounds
since high school, so...
81
00:04:37,375 --> 00:04:39,639
Of course. Of course.
But I don't look fat though, right?
82
00:04:39,710 --> 00:04:42,008
Um, no.
83
00:04:42,079 --> 00:04:44,377
- What did we call you in high school?
- Rickety Cricket, dude!
84
00:04:44,448 --> 00:04:47,713
That's right. Rickety Crickety Legs.
85
00:04:47,785 --> 00:04:49,980
Yeah, his legs were...
86
00:04:50,054 --> 00:04:53,854
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Hey, remember how you would pass out at parties...
87
00:04:53,924 --> 00:04:56,688
- and Dennis would tea-bag you?
- Yeah, then I would take the photo.
88
00:04:56,761 --> 00:05:01,460
We'd pass it around the school.
Everybody loved those photos, Matty.
89
00:05:01,532 --> 00:05:04,194
- Hey, you still get balls-to-the-chin cracks?
- No.
90
00:05:04,268 --> 00:05:06,498
Actually, that was a long time ago.
91
00:05:06,570 --> 00:05:08,800
- It would be funnier as a priest.
- Oh, my God. Those...
92
00:05:08,873 --> 00:05:11,034
- Those were hilarious.
- You don't understand how much everybody loved those.
93
00:05:11,108 --> 00:05:13,906
- My balls on your chin.
- Everybody loved you, man.
94
00:05:13,978 --> 00:05:16,503
I think people still have copies.
There's a lot floating around.
95
00:05:16,580 --> 00:05:20,038
- I saw them on the Internet!
- You were, like, famous in school.
96
00:05:20,117 --> 00:05:23,382
- Yeah, practically. I got a whole shoe box of those things.
- That's partially our doing.
97
00:05:23,454 --> 00:05:27,049
- Well, let's... let's... I should get going, so, um...
- Okay.
98
00:05:27,124 --> 00:05:29,058
Hey, hey. Check it out though.
99
00:05:29,126 --> 00:05:33,324
Um, why did you pause
before you said "no" earlier?
100
00:05:33,397 --> 00:05:35,490
I'm sorry?
101
00:05:35,566 --> 00:05:38,865
Well, earlier when I asked you
if my face looked fat, you kind of paused.
102
00:05:38,936 --> 00:05:41,700
I'm not sure.
103
00:05:41,772 --> 00:05:44,434
Uh, listen, Dee, it was
great seeing you again.
104
00:05:44,508 --> 00:05:47,841
- Oh, yeah. You too.
- Gentlemen.
105
00:05:47,912 --> 00:05:50,380
- Cricket. - Later, Cricks.
- See you, Rickety Crickety.
106
00:05:50,448 --> 00:05:52,382
- I love that guy.
- How do you know the priest?
107
00:05:52,450 --> 00:05:55,283
- Went to high school with him.
- We should get him to bless the stain.
108
00:05:55,353 --> 00:05:57,548
- Why?
- This could be huge, Charlie.
109
00:05:57,621 --> 00:06:00,215
I mean, endorsement from
the Catholic Church.
110
00:06:00,291 --> 00:06:03,124
No. No. See, you guys are
taking this thing way too far.
111
00:06:03,194 --> 00:06:05,424
You know what I'm gonna do?
Wash my hands of it.
112
00:06:05,496 --> 00:06:07,760
Washing my hands of
the whole situation, Lord.
113
00:06:07,832 --> 00:06:10,460
He will smite you all.
God will smite you all!
114
00:06:10,534 --> 00:06:14,231
Okay, uh, we should do it soon though
because the pipe might leak a little more.
115
00:06:14,305 --> 00:06:17,297
The stain could fade.
You think this priest would help you guys?
116
00:06:17,375 --> 00:06:19,400
- I think Dee could get him to do it.
- Yeah.
117
00:06:19,477 --> 00:06:21,809
- What? Why me?
- Oh, "Why me?" she says.
118
00:06:21,879 --> 00:06:24,609
The guy was in love with her.
He would do anything for her.
119
00:06:24,682 --> 00:06:27,378
- No.
- All right. Remember the time you said you'd kiss him...
120
00:06:27,451 --> 00:06:29,385
- if he ate a horse turd?
- He ate the whole turd.
121
00:06:29,453 --> 00:06:32,354
The guy eats the whole thing.
Then she doesn't kiss him 'cause...
122
00:06:32,423 --> 00:06:34,721
His breath smelled like shit.
123
00:06:34,792 --> 00:06:37,727
- That's my girl.
- It didn't really happen like that.
124
00:06:37,795 --> 00:06:40,263
No. He ate the whole turd,
and then she wouldn't kiss him.
125
00:06:40,331 --> 00:06:43,789
- Hey, come on. This would be really good for the bar.
- No. Screw you guys. No way.
126
00:06:43,868 --> 00:06:48,134
- That's a bad attitude.
- The priest may not do it because she's getting old.
127
00:06:48,205 --> 00:06:50,469
- Oh! Yeah.
- What is that?
128
00:06:50,541 --> 00:06:52,907
- Your skin's all blotchy.
- No, it's not.
129
00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:55,639
- He's not gonna do it. You got the crow's-feet.
- Crow's-feet.
130
00:06:55,713 --> 00:06:58,079
- No, I don't.
- You're getting the lines there.
131
00:06:58,149 --> 00:07:00,083
Mmm. Five head. Laugh lines.
132
00:07:00,151 --> 00:07:02,915
You know what?
You guys are such assholes.
133
00:07:02,987 --> 00:07:05,148
I'm gonna see what I can do.
134
00:07:08,826 --> 00:07:11,192
Take care. Bye.
135
00:07:11,262 --> 00:07:13,492
Matthew, hi.
136
00:07:13,564 --> 00:07:16,863
Dee. Wow. What a nice surprise.
What brings you here?
137
00:07:16,934 --> 00:07:22,133
Well, the guys and I kind of needed somebody
to come and bless that stain in our bar.
138
00:07:24,375 --> 00:07:26,639
- Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.
139
00:07:26,710 --> 00:07:29,110
Dee, I'm not gonna bless
a water stain.
140
00:07:29,180 --> 00:07:31,273
We don't do things like that.
The Catholic Church...
141
00:07:31,348 --> 00:07:33,282
Oh, no, no, no.
I know not them.
142
00:07:33,350 --> 00:07:35,318
I was hoping you could
do me a favor.
143
00:07:36,921 --> 00:07:40,220
I realize you were able to get me
to do things for you in school, but...
144
00:07:40,291 --> 00:07:45,422
Oh, you know what? I did. I kind of led you on
a little bit back then, didn't I?
145
00:07:45,496 --> 00:07:48,021
But I wasn't always a tease, you know?
146
00:07:48,098 --> 00:07:50,498
Remember? I let you do
all my math homework.
147
00:07:50,568 --> 00:07:53,366
Not sure I follow your logic.
148
00:07:53,437 --> 00:07:56,031
Well, what about that time
we almost kissed?
149
00:07:56,106 --> 00:07:58,734
You made me eat a...
150
00:07:58,809 --> 00:08:00,743
Look, I'm not blessing
the stain, okay?
151
00:08:00,811 --> 00:08:03,644
- Oh, no. Hold on a second.
- I mean, the taste of that thing alone...
152
00:08:03,714 --> 00:08:05,648
- No, I can't imagine.
- It haunts me.
153
00:08:05,716 --> 00:08:08,549
Of course it does.
I'm sorry, okay? Forget...
154
00:08:08,619 --> 00:08:11,247
Forget I came by about the stain.
I don't care about that anymore.
155
00:08:11,322 --> 00:08:15,884
I just... I know you really liked me back then,
and I know I wasn't very nice to you.
156
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:19,487
And I think that's just because I was too stupid
to realize how wonderful you are.
157
00:08:19,563 --> 00:08:21,531
I'm sorry.
158
00:08:21,599 --> 00:08:26,036
And for the record, I think that
you grew up to be very handsome.
159
00:08:26,103 --> 00:08:29,698
You do realize you're leading me on right now?
I'm a priest.
160
00:08:29,773 --> 00:08:32,207
- Am I? Oh, I didn't even know.
- Yeah.
161
00:08:33,811 --> 00:08:36,041
But if you wanted to grab
a drink sometime...
162
00:08:36,113 --> 00:08:38,604
- You're still doing it.
- Oh, my God. I don't...
163
00:08:38,682 --> 00:08:41,708
Wow, I... I think it's just 'cause
you look so handsome in...
164
00:08:41,785 --> 00:08:43,514
- Please leave.
- Okay, I'm gonna go now.
165
00:08:43,587 --> 00:08:45,214
- Thank you. It would be best.
- All right.
166
00:08:45,289 --> 00:08:47,587
- God bless.
- Yeah.
167
00:08:50,294 --> 00:08:53,889
Would you care to make a donation in
the name of Paddy's Pub to the Blessed Mother?
168
00:08:53,964 --> 00:08:57,127
- Mm-mmm.
- Charlie, this needs to stop. If you guys don't do it...
169
00:08:57,201 --> 00:09:00,102
- I'm gonna do it myself.
- You're telling me. I'm sick of doing this.
170
00:09:00,170 --> 00:09:03,731
- God is going to show his wrath, Charlie.
- Excuse me.
171
00:09:03,807 --> 00:09:07,903
Are you the young man to whom
the Holy Mother first appear?
172
00:09:07,978 --> 00:09:10,538
- Yeah.
- Could you bless me, please?
173
00:09:10,614 --> 00:09:13,777
- You want me to bless you?
- Please, senor.
174
00:09:13,851 --> 00:09:17,719
Uh, yeah, sure, I guess.
175
00:09:17,788 --> 00:09:21,485
- In the name of the Father, the Son, Holy Spirit. Amen.
- Right hand.
176
00:09:21,559 --> 00:09:25,461
- Gracias.
- You're welcome.
177
00:09:25,529 --> 00:09:27,463
Did you see that, dude?
178
00:09:27,531 --> 00:09:29,465
I just blessed that woman.
179
00:09:29,533 --> 00:09:32,559
I may have saved that poor,
wretched old person's life.
180
00:09:32,636 --> 00:09:34,627
Well, I don't know
about that, but, uh...
181
00:09:34,705 --> 00:09:36,639
This could be my calling, Charlie.
182
00:09:36,707 --> 00:09:39,335
What happened to all that
God's wrath business, and this has to end...
183
00:09:39,410 --> 00:09:43,141
Yeah, I know. Don't worry about that, dude.
I think this could actually be a good thing.
184
00:09:43,213 --> 00:09:45,579
- We could change the world.
- Okay, okay. All right.
185
00:09:45,649 --> 00:09:49,107
New plan, all right?
Let's go around, let's bless people.
186
00:09:49,186 --> 00:09:52,417
Well, actually, I should bless people though,
but you could be my right-hand man.
187
00:09:52,489 --> 00:09:54,855
- You could be my Peter.
- Oh.
188
00:09:54,925 --> 00:09:56,859
Okay, I'll be your Peter.
189
00:09:56,927 --> 00:09:59,987
- Dress a little nicer though,
'cause you look like shit.
190
00:10:00,064 --> 00:10:02,897
Hey. How'd it go with the priest?
191
00:10:02,967 --> 00:10:05,902
- Not gonna happen.
- Did you put the moves on him?
192
00:10:05,970 --> 00:10:08,803
First of all, gross. I don't think
you're supposed to whore out your kids.
193
00:10:08,872 --> 00:10:11,067
Second of all, that guy
is a really good person...
194
00:10:11,141 --> 00:10:13,075
and I've treated him
like shit his whole life.
195
00:10:13,143 --> 00:10:16,112
- For once I'm gonna do the right thing.
- He thinks you're too old, huh?
196
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:18,546
Goddamn it.
Why do I speak to you, ever?
197
00:10:18,616 --> 00:10:22,950
- Hello.
- Oh, wow.
198
00:10:23,020 --> 00:10:24,612
What is wrong with you?
199
00:10:24,688 --> 00:10:28,180
Oh, well, I've been fasting for three days,
so I probably look good.
200
00:10:28,258 --> 00:10:32,058
- You haven't eaten anything for three days?
- And I feel great.
201
00:10:32,129 --> 00:10:33,858
Why the hell are you fasting?
202
00:10:33,931 --> 00:10:37,833
I thought I would get in the spirit of
the religious aspect of what we got going.
203
00:10:37,901 --> 00:10:40,301
- It's 'cause we said his face looks fat.
- It is not.
204
00:10:40,371 --> 00:10:42,464
- People have been fasting for thousands of years...
- Face looks fat.
205
00:10:42,539 --> 00:10:45,975
- For health and religious purposes. Moses...
- Fat face.
206
00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:49,342
- Jesus and Moses in the woods and in the desert...
- Pretty fat, right? Fat.
207
00:10:49,413 --> 00:10:51,973
- Please listen to me. Please.
- Forget it.
208
00:10:52,049 --> 00:10:55,018
- Yeah.
- All right? The priest thinks Dee's too old for him.
209
00:10:55,085 --> 00:10:58,919
We gotta go to plan "B."
I know another guy who could help us.
210
00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:05,695
Father O'Grady? Uh...
211
00:11:05,763 --> 00:11:07,856
I'm Frank Reynolds.
I was in your parish.
212
00:11:07,931 --> 00:11:11,367
- What do you want?
- We came to talk to you about a stain.
213
00:11:11,435 --> 00:11:15,565
No! Uh, wait a second.
We just wanna have a few words with you.
214
00:11:15,639 --> 00:11:18,938
We found a stain in our bar
that resembles the Virgin Mary.
215
00:11:19,009 --> 00:11:21,876
- Cats are brown now.
- What?
216
00:11:21,945 --> 00:11:25,244
The cats are brown.
217
00:11:25,315 --> 00:11:27,408
What in the hell is
he talking about?
218
00:11:27,484 --> 00:11:30,942
This guy's perfect.
Let's go clean him up.
219
00:11:43,132 --> 00:11:45,464
What are you doing?
220
00:11:49,438 --> 00:11:52,271
- What is that?
- What? It's like...
221
00:11:52,341 --> 00:11:54,502
- Why are you dressed like this?
- Come on. It's perfect.
222
00:11:54,577 --> 00:11:57,341
- Where did you get it?
- I have my sources.
223
00:11:57,413 --> 00:11:59,881
I told you to dress nice.
We look like salt and pepper shakers.
224
00:11:59,949 --> 00:12:02,417
- Ah, we look good.
- All right. Let's just get started.
225
00:12:02,485 --> 00:12:04,783
- Um...
- Mmm.
226
00:12:04,854 --> 00:12:06,822
Ah. Uh, excuse me, sir.
227
00:12:06,889 --> 00:12:09,881
- Hello. Uh, would you like a blessing?
- From who?
228
00:12:09,959 --> 00:12:13,087
- Well, it was to me that the Virgin Mary first appeared.
- Well, I found it.
229
00:12:13,162 --> 00:12:15,596
- What?
- Well, I'm just saying I was the one who found it.
230
00:12:15,664 --> 00:12:18,929
Yes, but, uh, I was the one who first
recognized it was the Virgin Mary.
231
00:12:19,001 --> 00:12:21,834
- I found it, if you want the truth.
- You thought it was a stain.
232
00:12:21,904 --> 00:12:24,702
I'd much prefer a blessing from him.
233
00:12:24,774 --> 00:12:28,540
- Why?
- He seems a lot more religious than you.
234
00:12:28,611 --> 00:12:30,841
He is my number two
and doesn't really do the same...
235
00:12:30,913 --> 00:12:33,939
- Well, maybe I could just throw you one of...
- Don't do it.
236
00:12:34,016 --> 00:12:36,917
Don't do it, Charlie. Don't do it!
237
00:12:39,522 --> 00:12:41,922
- Ha!
- Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.
238
00:12:41,991 --> 00:12:45,188
Okay, feel better.
You're looking better already to me.
239
00:12:45,261 --> 00:12:49,527
- You are completely betraying me. You're supposed to be my Peter.
- You know what, dude?
240
00:12:49,598 --> 00:12:52,965
Hear me out for a second.
Now, technically, that stain did appear to me.
241
00:12:53,035 --> 00:12:56,129
Also, I am familiar with carpentry
and I don't know who my father is...
242
00:12:56,205 --> 00:12:58,139
so am I the messiah?
243
00:12:58,207 --> 00:13:00,368
I don't know. Could be.
I'm not ruling it out.
244
00:13:00,443 --> 00:13:02,877
- The messiah?
- I'm just not ruling it out, is all.
245
00:13:02,945 --> 00:13:06,039
- You gotta be kidding me, dude.
- Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways.
246
00:13:06,115 --> 00:13:08,208
I knew you were gonna ruin this.
Goddamn it.
247
00:13:08,284 --> 00:13:10,752
Ooh. I really wish you
wouldn't take my name in vain.
248
00:13:15,825 --> 00:13:20,228
How are we gonna get this guy
to bless anything? He's out ofhis mind.
249
00:13:21,597 --> 00:13:23,929
Well, I'm hoping it's
mostly the booze talking.
250
00:13:23,999 --> 00:13:26,263
Let's find some coffee.
We can sober him up.
251
00:13:28,170 --> 00:13:31,139
- Did you hear me?
- Hmm?
252
00:13:31,207 --> 00:13:33,675
Dennis, I think you
really gotta eat.
253
00:13:33,742 --> 00:13:36,404
No, I just spaced out
for a second. What's up?
254
00:13:36,479 --> 00:13:38,947
- Find some coffee. We don't have a ton of time.
- Yeah.
255
00:13:40,683 --> 00:13:43,948
Here's a confession.
I'm in love with a man.
256
00:13:45,020 --> 00:13:46,954
What?
257
00:13:47,022 --> 00:13:49,081
I'm in love with a man...
258
00:13:49,158 --> 00:13:51,991
a man called God.
259
00:13:52,061 --> 00:13:56,020
Does that make me gay?
Am I gay for God?
260
00:13:56,098 --> 00:13:58,726
- You betcha.
- Can I talk to you, please?
261
00:13:58,801 --> 00:14:00,792
- Speaketh.
- In private.
262
00:14:00,870 --> 00:14:03,964
Okay.
263
00:14:04,039 --> 00:14:06,303
Well, congratulations, Jim Jones.
264
00:14:06,375 --> 00:14:09,401
You found the four people on the planet
dumb enough to listen to your shit.
265
00:14:09,478 --> 00:14:11,708
Oh, forgive him, Lord,
for he know not what he say.
266
00:14:11,780 --> 00:14:14,715
Give it a rest. You're not the messiah.
You don't know dick about the Bible.
267
00:14:14,783 --> 00:14:17,308
You know, it really sounds like
somebody in this room is jealous.
268
00:14:17,386 --> 00:14:19,718
Because it's bullshit!
I'm the one that wanted to become a priest...
269
00:14:19,788 --> 00:14:22,814
I'm the one that knew it was Mary,
I'm the one that should have followers.
270
00:14:22,892 --> 00:14:25,486
- Sorry, bro. You suck at it.
- You wanna have a little competition?
271
00:14:25,561 --> 00:14:28,530
- Like what?
- Let's go toe-to-toe on the Bible, bitch.
272
00:14:28,597 --> 00:14:32,693
Ask and ye shall receive, sucker.
273
00:14:35,671 --> 00:14:41,507
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been 10 years since my last confession.
274
00:14:43,579 --> 00:14:47,640
In the name of the Father, the Son and
the Holy Spirit, what's on your mind, my dear?
275
00:14:47,716 --> 00:14:50,150
I'm in love with a man
that I can't have, Father.
276
00:14:50,219 --> 00:14:53,882
And he used to love me too,
but then I was really mean to him...
277
00:14:53,956 --> 00:14:56,220
and now we'll never know
what could have been.
278
00:14:56,292 --> 00:14:58,886
Well, it's too late now.
279
00:14:58,961 --> 00:15:01,521
He's made a commitment
that can never be broken.
280
00:15:01,597 --> 00:15:05,829
Let's drop this act, Matty.
Listen, I think I have really strong feelings for you.
281
00:15:05,901 --> 00:15:07,892
Dee, please don't do this.
282
00:15:07,970 --> 00:15:10,404
You know what? It just seems
like some kind of cruel joke.
283
00:15:10,472 --> 00:15:13,270
I mean, you wanted me once,
and now that you can have me...
284
00:15:13,342 --> 00:15:19,008
And, oh, Matty, I mean you could really,
really have me.
285
00:15:19,081 --> 00:15:21,072
You don't want it anymore?
286
00:15:21,150 --> 00:15:23,846
Well, God has a plan for everybody.
287
00:15:23,919 --> 00:15:26,444
- Well, that seems dumb.
- Well, it's not. It's God's plan.
288
00:15:26,522 --> 00:15:29,685
- Yeah, well, God's plan sucks this time. You know why?
- Mmm.
289
00:15:29,758 --> 00:15:31,988
- 'Cause I think I love you, Matthew.
- Don't say that, Dee.
290
00:15:32,061 --> 00:15:34,427
I have to say it,
and I'm gonna tell you why.
291
00:15:34,496 --> 00:15:38,159
Because if I don't say it,
I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life.
292
00:15:38,233 --> 00:15:41,396
Okay, maybe that's not "God's plan"
or whatever. I don't care.
293
00:15:41,470 --> 00:15:43,597
I want you to know something.
I love you.
294
00:15:43,672 --> 00:15:48,939
And I... I could be your wife, and I could spend
the rest of my days making you happy.
295
00:15:49,011 --> 00:15:52,640
- Dee?
- Yes. It's me.
296
00:15:52,715 --> 00:15:55,878
- I know it's you. Just please, please leave.
- No, listen. Wait, wait, wait.
297
00:15:55,951 --> 00:15:58,249
I don't know what God
wants for us, all right?
298
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,481
But I do know God
brought you into our bar...
299
00:16:00,556 --> 00:16:03,719
and maybe that was just so I could say I'm sorry,
but that sounds stupid.
300
00:16:03,792 --> 00:16:06,761
I don't think that's why. That's not big enough.
He works bigger than that.
301
00:16:06,829 --> 00:16:10,230
Maybe his plan is for us to be together
because he did have you come to our bar. Matty?
302
00:16:10,299 --> 00:16:12,631
- What?
- Open the door.
303
00:16:12,701 --> 00:16:14,635
- No.
- Matty, open the door.
304
00:16:14,703 --> 00:16:16,637
I love you.
305
00:16:16,705 --> 00:16:18,639
- I know that.
- Okay.
306
00:16:18,707 --> 00:16:21,198
- Say seven Hail Marys.
- Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
307
00:16:21,276 --> 00:16:23,676
I love you.
308
00:16:25,881 --> 00:16:29,840
"When the Lord saw that he had
gone over to look at the burning bush...
309
00:16:29,918 --> 00:16:31,852
"God called from within.
310
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:35,686
'Moses, come no closer!
Remove your sandals, for"'...
311
00:16:35,758 --> 00:16:40,092
Uh, let's stop there.
Why is God asking Moses to remove his sandals?
312
00:16:40,162 --> 00:16:44,758
Well, you didn't let me finish, dude.
It's because Moses is about to walk on holy ground.
313
00:16:44,833 --> 00:16:47,301
- No, actually, it's not.
- Yes, it is. That's the next line.
314
00:16:47,369 --> 00:16:52,068
"Remove your sandals, for the place
where you are standing is holy ground."
315
00:16:52,141 --> 00:16:54,132
But what's in between the lines?
316
00:16:54,209 --> 00:16:58,202
What's in between the lines is that
he has to take off his damn sandals...
317
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,714
because it's sacred ground.
318
00:17:00,783 --> 00:17:03,251
No! Sacred ground?
Sacred ground?
319
00:17:03,318 --> 00:17:06,344
God doesn't worship the ground.
God made the ground.
320
00:17:06,422 --> 00:17:10,950
And Moses is about to step near a burning bush.
That is gonna be hot.
321
00:17:11,026 --> 00:17:13,085
God doesn't think Moses
is gonna do it.
322
00:17:13,162 --> 00:17:15,722
"Hey, Moses, kick your shoes off.
323
00:17:15,798 --> 00:17:18,665
Come on. Walk around
a burning bush"?
324
00:17:18,734 --> 00:17:23,034
You know, that's like asking me
to take my shoes off and stand on a hot plate.
325
00:17:23,105 --> 00:17:26,506
I'm not gonna do it...
unless God asks me to.
326
00:17:26,575 --> 00:17:28,634
And then I am, just like Moses.
327
00:17:28,711 --> 00:17:30,645
Why? What's gonna happen to Moses?
328
00:17:30,713 --> 00:17:32,840
His feet aren't gonna get burned.
329
00:17:32,915 --> 00:17:37,215
No. God is gonna reward him
with some sweet-ass shoes.
330
00:17:37,286 --> 00:17:41,313
It's like,
"Oh. Oh. You risk your feet, you get some shoes."
331
00:17:43,092 --> 00:17:46,118
That's the way God works,
'cause God loves us.
332
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:49,858
Trust in God, he'll give you shoes.
333
00:17:49,932 --> 00:17:52,924
Are you kidding me?
334
00:17:53,001 --> 00:17:54,935
You're buying this crap? You...
335
00:17:55,003 --> 00:17:57,028
All right. Here we go.
336
00:17:57,172 --> 00:18:00,699
- Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.
- What are you doing? Who's this?
337
00:18:00,776 --> 00:18:02,710
This crazy, drunk priest...
338
00:18:02,778 --> 00:18:04,712
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no, no.
339
00:18:04,780 --> 00:18:07,271
- You get a drink after you bless the stain.
- Shh!
340
00:18:07,349 --> 00:18:11,115
Ooh, cats!
And they're brown!
341
00:18:11,186 --> 00:18:13,780
Oh, this guy is great.
Hey, you think he'll bless me?
342
00:18:13,856 --> 00:18:16,347
- Love to.
- Great. Hey!
343
00:18:16,425 --> 00:18:18,655
It's okay, Frank.
Hey, everybody, gather round.
344
00:18:18,727 --> 00:18:22,163
This priest here
is going to bless me.
345
00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:27,635
Then after he's finished, I will honor each and
every one of you with a blessing of your own.
346
00:18:27,703 --> 00:18:30,831
You can take that with you.
Okay, Father. Anytime you're ready.
347
00:18:31,740 --> 00:18:36,473
The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
348
00:18:36,545 --> 00:18:38,877
What is wrong with you, old man?
349
00:18:38,947 --> 00:18:41,313
- Why would you bring
somebody like this into the bar?
350
00:18:41,383 --> 00:18:44,079
Charlie, get the camcorder.
The father's gonna bless the stain.
351
00:18:44,153 --> 00:18:46,018
Right foot, left foot.
There we go.
352
00:18:46,088 --> 00:18:50,821
- Dee. Dee.
- Whoa. You are not lookin' good, huh?
353
00:18:50,893 --> 00:18:53,088
Truth, truth. Face fat?
354
00:18:53,162 --> 00:18:55,426
No, you idiot.
Your face is fine.
355
00:18:55,497 --> 00:18:57,488
I just got mad that
you called mine blotchy.
356
00:18:58,634 --> 00:19:00,966
- Oh. Why-Why-Why...
- What?
357
00:19:01,036 --> 00:19:04,904
- Why you do that?
- Oh, um, because you're a bad person.
358
00:19:04,973 --> 00:19:07,441
- Charlie, you got the camcorder?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, I got it.
359
00:19:07,509 --> 00:19:11,377
- Oh, Mac, Mac. This endorsement's gonna put me over the top.
- Go to hell, Charlie.
360
00:19:11,446 --> 00:19:14,006
Oh, these people are gonna
be eating out of my divine hands.
361
00:19:14,082 --> 00:19:18,109
- These people are gonna catch on to your shit.
- Are they really? Hello.
362
00:19:21,957 --> 00:19:24,949
No! No, get away from there!
363
00:19:25,027 --> 00:19:27,860
- Get him away!
- Get... Back off. Oh.
364
00:19:27,930 --> 00:19:30,421
- What did you do, you shithead? You ruined it!
- Yeah.
365
00:19:30,499 --> 00:19:32,592
Oh! It's gone!
366
00:19:32,668 --> 00:19:34,932
- Uh, no, actually, it's not gone.
- It's gone!
367
00:19:35,003 --> 00:19:38,097
- The Virgin Mary has left us!
- No, she hasn't left us!
368
00:19:38,173 --> 00:19:43,577
- You can see the outline.
- She abandoned us 'cause we listen to a false prophet!
369
00:19:43,645 --> 00:19:46,239
- No! False pro...
- False prophet.
370
00:19:46,315 --> 00:19:49,216
- That's what you are, a false prophet.
- Where are you going?
371
00:19:49,284 --> 00:19:51,548
- Looks like your followers are leaving you.
- No!
372
00:19:51,620 --> 00:19:54,054
Don't go. She'll come back.
373
00:19:54,122 --> 00:19:56,056
She'll come back.
374
00:19:56,124 --> 00:19:59,184
- Dee.
- Matthew? What are you doing here?
375
00:19:59,261 --> 00:20:02,389
I thought about what you said,
and I think you're right.
376
00:20:02,464 --> 00:20:06,560
I mean, in some weird way,
this was God's plan for us.
377
00:20:06,635 --> 00:20:09,399
I mean, I had to become a priest
to reconnect with you...
378
00:20:09,471 --> 00:20:13,999
- and I had to leave the priesthood to have you.
- Huh?
379
00:20:14,076 --> 00:20:16,601
Mr. Reynolds, I'd like to ask for
your daughter's hand in marriage.
380
00:20:16,678 --> 00:20:18,669
- Done.
- Okay, hold on one second.
381
00:20:18,747 --> 00:20:22,581
- Bless you.
- Hold on. Did you just say that you left the priesthood?
382
00:20:22,651 --> 00:20:24,812
Yes! Yes, I had to.
383
00:20:24,887 --> 00:20:28,152
- Matty, wow. You should not have done that.
- What do you mean?
384
00:20:28,223 --> 00:20:32,091
You gotta... You should go
and undo that right now.
385
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:35,027
- Uh, but you said...
- Yeah, I know what I said.
386
00:20:35,097 --> 00:20:38,624
There were a lot of things,
and I meant all of them. I did.
387
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:42,192
But the thing is, I didn't know you were
actually gonna leave the Church...
388
00:20:42,271 --> 00:20:47,106
which is why I felt safe saying
those things in the first place.
389
00:20:47,175 --> 00:20:50,804
So wait. Wait. So...
390
00:20:50,879 --> 00:20:52,870
S-So you don't love me?
391
00:20:52,948 --> 00:20:57,817
Oh, Matty.
I think you are a great guy.
392
00:20:57,886 --> 00:20:59,820
Ooh.
393
00:21:00,889 --> 00:21:02,823
- My life is r... My life is ruined.
- No.
394
00:21:02,891 --> 00:21:04,654
- It's... Yes, it's ruined.
- No. It's not.
395
00:21:04,726 --> 00:21:08,719
What about this?
Why don't you go back to the priesthood?
396
00:21:08,797 --> 00:21:12,198
I can't, okay?
L-I... I can't.
397
00:21:12,267 --> 00:21:15,964
You can't just go back, Dee.
"Yeah, I wanna become a priest again." You can't.
398
00:21:16,038 --> 00:21:19,166
- Okay?
- But are you sure? Did you double-check that?
399
00:21:19,241 --> 00:21:22,733
- Oh, my life is ruined.
- Hmm. So...
400
00:21:22,811 --> 00:21:25,974
I'm the bad person, huh?
401
00:21:31,219 --> 00:21:33,779
- That's what you get for not eating.
- Hey, Cricket!
402
00:21:33,855 --> 00:21:36,187
You know what would
make you feel better?
403
00:21:36,258 --> 00:21:39,819
- What could possibly make me feel better?
- You wanna tea-bag Dennis?
404
00:21:45,901 --> 00:21:47,835
- I'll get the camera!
- Yeah!
405
00:21:47,903 --> 00:21:49,700
- Polaroid, Polaroid, Polaroid.
- Whoo!
0
00:00:02,500 --> 00:00:04,000