1
00:00:20,708 --> 00:00:22,844
- CHARLIE:
- All right, try to get it
2
00:00:22,868 --> 00:00:24,968
All the way up under her nose.
3
00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:25,033
- -All-all the way...
- -MAC: I'm just trying
4
00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:26,734
To stick it in her mouth.
5
00:00:26,801 --> 00:00:28,910
- Under her nose should do it
- and let it kind of waft up.
6
00:00:28,934 --> 00:00:30,510
- DENNIS:
- Oh, she's starting to wake up.
7
00:00:30,534 --> 00:00:32,410
- -There she... there we go!
- -Wakey, wakey, Dee!
8
00:00:32,434 --> 00:00:33,844
- Good, because I'm getting sick
- of trying to keep
9
00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,701
The-the hair out of the soup.
10
00:00:35,767 --> 00:00:35,767
- CHARLIE:
- It's not soup, it's stew,
11
00:00:35,767 --> 00:00:37,467
Okay, and you...
12
00:00:37,534 --> 00:00:39,014
- MAC:
- Same thing, don't correct me.
13
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:39,100
- DENNIS:
- Soup or stew,
14
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:40,500
You shouldn't feed it
15
00:00:40,567 --> 00:00:41,701
to an unconscious person.
16
00:00:41,767 --> 00:00:43,343
- Yeah, but I'm trying
- to use it to wake her up.
17
00:00:43,367 --> 00:00:43,367
- FRANK:
- Look, she's not gonna eat it,
18
00:00:43,367 --> 00:00:44,868
I'm telling you.
19
00:00:44,934 --> 00:00:44,934
- DENNIS:
- It's not gonna wake her up;
20
00:00:44,934 --> 00:00:46,100
I mean,
21
00:00:46,167 --> 00:00:47,710
- I don't think stew has
- any arousing components.
22
00:00:47,734 --> 00:00:48,810
- What are you talking about?!
- The smells...
23
00:00:48,834 --> 00:00:50,009
What is this? What's going on?
24
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:51,376
- The flavors!
- That's the whole point
25
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:52,643
- Of getting the stew
- in the first place.
26
00:00:52,667 --> 00:00:54,434
Wha-What is this? Where am I?
27
00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:55,910
- All right, Dee, remember
- yesterday when you were waving
28
00:00:55,934 --> 00:00:57,877
- That first-class ticket
- to Ireland in our faces
29
00:00:57,901 --> 00:00:59,710
- And bragging about
- that acting gig that you got?
30
00:00:59,734 --> 00:01:00,644
- -Yeah.
- -Yeah?
31
00:01:00,734 --> 00:01:01,734
Then you drank yourself
32
00:01:01,767 --> 00:01:02,777
into a stupor and passed out?
33
00:01:02,801 --> 00:01:05,133
I... oh... o-okay.
34
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:06,467
Yeah, well, uh, good news.
35
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,076
- We took that one
- first-class ticket,
36
00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:09,711
- Divided it
- into five coach tickets.
37
00:01:09,801 --> 00:01:11,845
- And then gave you
- just enough sleeping pills
38
00:01:11,934 --> 00:01:13,976
- To keep you blissfully asleep
- so you could enjoy the flight
39
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,811
- And wake up here in Dublin
- fully rested.
40
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:17,076
- No. No, you didn't!
- You didn't do this.
41
00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:18,845
- This-this can't be
- happening, no.
42
00:01:18,934 --> 00:01:18,934
- -Yeah, no, we did.
- That's exactly what we did.
43
00:01:18,934 --> 00:01:20,701
-(others agreeing)
44
00:01:20,767 --> 00:01:22,910
- We absolutely did. Because we
- wanted to be supportive.
45
00:01:22,934 --> 00:01:22,934
- -No, you didn't!
- -Because we are always there
46
00:01:22,934 --> 00:01:25,500
For each other.
47
00:01:25,567 --> 00:01:26,827
-No, we're not!
48
00:01:25,567 --> 00:01:28,133
In good times and in bad.
49
00:01:26,851 --> 00:01:28,200
-Right, guys?
50
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,577
-CHARLIE: We are.
51
00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:31,000
um, you are late.
52
00:01:29,601 --> 00:01:31,067
-And speaking of time,
53
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:31,067
- -You got about 15 minutes
- to get to that TV studio.
54
00:01:31,067 --> 00:01:33,067
-Oh, God.
55
00:01:33,133 --> 00:01:33,133
- -No, no, no, no.
- -CHARLIE:
56
00:01:33,133 --> 00:01:34,734
Good thing you woke up.
57
00:01:34,801 --> 00:01:36,881
- -This can't be happening...
- -Well, slow down now.
58
00:01:36,968 --> 00:01:36,968
- -Hey, be sure to look to
- the right if you go in the road!
59
00:01:36,968 --> 00:01:39,534
-Be careful out there.
60
00:01:39,601 --> 00:01:41,544
- 'Cause they drive
- on the other side here!
61
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:43,195
-No, no, no, no, no. No.
62
00:01:43,219 --> 00:01:44,801
-(bagpipes playing)
63
00:01:44,868 --> 00:01:47,934
Oh, goddamn it!
64
00:01:50,734 --> 00:01:53,500
Taxi? Oh, taxi!
65
00:01:53,567 --> 00:01:54,594
-Taxi! Taxi!
66
00:01:54,618 --> 00:01:55,667
-(tires screech)
67
00:01:57,767 --> 00:01:59,767
♪ Hey! ♪
68
00:02:23,868 --> 00:02:26,110
- -FRANK: Car!
- -DENNIS: Yeah, I see it, Frank,
69
00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,443
- -I can handle the driving.
- -Oh, just go faster, goddamn it!
70
00:02:28,467 --> 00:02:30,277
- I can't believe
- you guys did this to me.
71
00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:32,210
- Oh, my God, Dee, we are
- driving you to work, okay?
72
00:02:32,234 --> 00:02:33,661
We-we brought you to Ireland.
73
00:02:33,685 --> 00:02:35,133
We brought you here, okay?
74
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,510
- We didn't have to do that.
- Do you know how hard
75
00:02:36,534 --> 00:02:38,009
- It was to get you
- through customs?
76
00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:39,844
- -It was wicked hard, yeah.
- -We're doing this for you!
77
00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:42,177
- Whatever, okay, I think
- the studio's right up here.
78
00:02:42,267 --> 00:02:45,010
- I'll call you guys around 6:00
- or whenever I'm off.
79
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:46,211
-Why?
80
00:02:46,235 --> 00:02:47,367
-So you can pick me up.
81
00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:48,694
-(laughs) What?
82
00:02:48,718 --> 00:02:50,000
-Dee, we're taking time
83
00:02:50,067 --> 00:02:51,710
- out of our Irish vacation
- to drive you to work,
84
00:02:51,734 --> 00:02:53,133
Now you want us to pick you up?
85
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,378
"Vacation"? You just said
86
00:02:54,402 --> 00:02:55,601
you were here for me!
87
00:02:55,667 --> 00:02:57,100
Well, yeah, we're here for you,
88
00:02:57,167 --> 00:02:58,677
- but we're also here
- for our vacation.
89
00:02:58,701 --> 00:03:00,343
- Yeah, I'm back
- in the motherland finally!
90
00:03:00,367 --> 00:03:02,744
- I've always wanted to trace
- back my family lineage.
91
00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,844
- I mean, as the most Irish
- person here, I really think...
92
00:03:04,868 --> 00:03:07,277
- Wait a minute, wait,
- whoa, whoa, dude, I'm Irish.
93
00:03:07,367 --> 00:03:08,710
- Well, yeah, but you're
- not as Irish as me.
94
00:03:08,734 --> 00:03:09,944
I could be. You don't know that.
95
00:03:09,968 --> 00:03:11,577
- -How do you know that?
- -Charlie, I have
96
00:03:11,601 --> 00:03:13,167
A shamrock tattooed on my thigh.
97
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:13,234
- -So what?
- -I'm gonna show it to you!
98
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:15,667
You want to see it?!
99
00:03:15,734 --> 00:03:15,734
- -No, stop it!
- You're squishing me!
100
00:03:15,734 --> 00:03:17,000
-Car! Car!
101
00:03:17,067 --> 00:03:19,110
- -I see the car, stop! Mac, stop!
- -Goddamn it.
102
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,677
- -You're kicking my seat, okay?
- -That was close.
103
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,743
- Keep your stupid, ugly
- shamrock tattoo in your pants.
104
00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:24,844
- Why did you have to get the
- teeny, tiniest car possible?
105
00:03:24,868 --> 00:03:26,076
- -It is small.
- -I'm getting squished back here
106
00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:27,176
- And just sucking in
- diesel fumes.
107
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:28,734
What did you want me to do, Dee?
108
00:03:28,801 --> 00:03:30,944
- Did you want me to rent
- a big obnoxious American truck
109
00:03:30,968 --> 00:03:32,168
Like-like that one over there?
110
00:03:32,234 --> 00:03:33,710
- That's exactly what we're
- trying to get away from.
111
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:34,778
Okay, you know,
112
00:03:34,802 --> 00:03:35,868
the-the tiny car,
113
00:03:35,934 --> 00:03:38,177
- that's all part of the charm
- of-of Europe.
114
00:03:38,267 --> 00:03:40,276
- You know, like driving on
- the left-hand side of the road.
115
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:42,010
- Dangerous
- for Americans like you.
116
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:43,543
- But, you know,
- it's authentic and,
117
00:03:43,567 --> 00:03:45,276
- And that's what I want,
- that's what I'm going for.
118
00:03:45,300 --> 00:03:46,977
- -An authentic Irish...
- -(honking horn)
119
00:03:47,067 --> 00:03:48,128
-Get fucked!
120
00:03:48,152 --> 00:03:49,234
-Oh!
121
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:50,767
Irish experience.
122
00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:52,868
Okay, just pull over, all right?
123
00:03:52,934 --> 00:03:54,410
- Just pull over and let me out!
- I'll walk.
124
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,567
You goddamn bastards!
125
00:03:56,634 --> 00:03:59,901
♪ ♪
126
00:03:59,968 --> 00:04:01,595
Here I am! "Obnoxious American"
127
00:04:01,619 --> 00:04:03,267
"MILF" reporting for duty, sir!
128
00:04:03,334 --> 00:04:06,010
- You're late. You were supposed
- to be here an hour ago.
129
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:08,578
- I know, I know,
- I hit a little bit of traffic.
130
00:04:08,667 --> 00:04:10,510
- But if you think about it,
- you know, in a way,
131
00:04:10,534 --> 00:04:12,009
- I feel like the character
- would be late, too,
132
00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:13,553
- So it's not really
- that big of a...
133
00:04:13,634 --> 00:04:14,810
- You're lucky this time...
- Production's running behind,
134
00:04:14,834 --> 00:04:16,176
- So we don't need you
- for another hour.
135
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,267
Ah, thank God, okay.
136
00:04:18,334 --> 00:04:19,945
- Jesus Christ.
- What happened to you?
137
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,434
Ah! Ow.
138
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:24,311
- (laughing):
- Well, that's...
139
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,100
That's a doozy, isn't it?
140
00:04:26,167 --> 00:04:28,744
- We can't shoot you like that...
- It-it's disturbing!
141
00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:30,678
- Well, it's not,
- it's not even real.
142
00:04:30,767 --> 00:04:32,133
It-It's just makeup.
143
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,911
- It's makeup left over
- from the show
144
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,211
-I did this morning.
145
00:04:35,235 --> 00:04:36,467
-That's makeup?
146
00:04:36,534 --> 00:04:38,744
- Yep, nothing to it
- but a little latex and blush.
147
00:04:38,834 --> 00:04:40,311
You know, I just forgot to...
148
00:04:40,335 --> 00:04:41,834
(winces) wash... it off.
149
00:04:41,901 --> 00:04:43,578
Um, you know, probably 'cause I
150
00:04:43,602 --> 00:04:45,300
never wear makeup in real life.
151
00:04:45,367 --> 00:04:47,044
'Cause natural beauty.
152
00:04:47,068 --> 00:04:48,767
I'll tell you what, um, since
153
00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:50,643
- I do have a little time,
- I should just pop out and wash
154
00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:53,210
- My face real quick and-and come
- right back, it's not a big deal.
155
00:04:53,234 --> 00:04:54,810
- Go on, just go on.
- Be back in an hour.
156
00:04:54,834 --> 00:04:56,176
- -And don't be late again.
- -Absolutely. I won't be late.
157
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,311
I'm one wet wipe away
158
00:04:57,335 --> 00:04:58,467
from being your MILF.
159
00:04:58,534 --> 00:04:58,534
- ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
- Can we get cracking here,
160
00:04:58,534 --> 00:05:00,267
People, come on!
161
00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:00,334
- DEE:
- Oh, you're gonna want
162
00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:01,934
To F this so bad!
163
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,094
MAC:
164
00:05:03,118 --> 00:05:04,234
This is so exciting.
165
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:05,945
- -Yeah.
- -I already feel like I'm home.
166
00:05:06,033 --> 00:05:07,478
I cannot wait to see the house
167
00:05:07,502 --> 00:05:08,968
that my dad grew up in.
168
00:05:09,033 --> 00:05:10,727
-Apparently it's been
169
00:05:09,033 --> 00:05:12,467
-Oh.
170
00:05:10,751 --> 00:05:12,534
in my family for generations.
171
00:05:12,534 --> 00:05:13,645
-Cool. Yeah, I mean,
172
00:05:12,534 --> 00:05:14,801
-Yeah.
173
00:05:13,669 --> 00:05:14,868
I dig it here, man.
174
00:05:14,868 --> 00:05:16,643
- You know, you get
- all the comforts of Philly.
175
00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:19,244
- You got drunks, you got
- Irish people, you got, um...
176
00:05:19,334 --> 00:05:21,009
- I guess that's
- the same thing, but, like,
177
00:05:21,033 --> 00:05:23,376
- You also get, like, the magical
- mystical element of this place,
178
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,040
- You know, you get the banshees
- and the spirits and the sprites!
179
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:28,644
- And Shelley! Shelley's here,
- which is pretty cool.
180
00:05:28,734 --> 00:05:30,810
- All of those things are made up,
- including Shelley.
181
00:05:30,834 --> 00:05:32,944
- -Shelley's not made up.
- -He's your imaginary friend
182
00:05:32,968 --> 00:05:32,968
- -that you've had
- since you were a kid.
183
00:05:32,968 --> 00:05:34,934
-Dude, he's not my
184
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,343
- imaginary friend,
- he's my pen pal, okay?
185
00:05:36,367 --> 00:05:37,677
- And he's Irish,
- that's why his name is Shelley.
186
00:05:37,701 --> 00:05:38,968
A pen pal that writes to you
187
00:05:39,033 --> 00:05:40,200
in a magical language.
188
00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:42,377
- Dude, the guy's real, okay?
- And this is why
189
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:43,561
-I know more about
190
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:44,701
-Hey, stop!
191
00:05:43,585 --> 00:05:44,767
Ireland than you do.
192
00:05:44,767 --> 00:05:45,887
Stop right there, all right?
193
00:05:45,934 --> 00:05:47,678
- This is why Irish people
- hate Americans.
194
00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:50,010
- You've got, like,
- two percent Irish in you,
195
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,043
- And you think you know more
- about Ireland than me?
196
00:05:52,067 --> 00:05:54,443
- Do you have a shamrock tattoo
- somewhere on your body? No.
197
00:05:54,467 --> 00:05:55,578
I do, because that's
198
00:05:55,602 --> 00:05:56,734
my primary identity.
199
00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:58,145
Number one, Irish.
200
00:05:58,169 --> 00:05:59,534
Number two, gay.
201
00:05:59,601 --> 00:06:00,968
Number three, badass.
202
00:06:01,033 --> 00:06:02,300
You're none of those things,
203
00:06:02,367 --> 00:06:03,476
- so you should be talking
- of none of them.
204
00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:05,140
- Are talking
- about what you identify as
205
00:06:05,167 --> 00:06:06,334
Or what you actually are?
206
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,044
- They're the same thing now,
- Charlie.
207
00:06:08,133 --> 00:06:10,878
- And I can have you canceled
- for even suggesting otherwise.
208
00:06:10,968 --> 00:06:12,109
- -No, right.
- -I have the power to do that.
209
00:06:12,133 --> 00:06:13,376
Because I'm a gay man and you're
210
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,367
just a straight white, cis male.
211
00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:17,167
Yeah. And Irish, so...
212
00:06:17,234 --> 00:06:19,267
Will you just be here for me?
213
00:06:19,334 --> 00:06:20,845
- -Okay.
- -This is a huge day for me
214
00:06:20,934 --> 00:06:20,934
- -and I just,
- I feel like you could...
215
00:06:20,934 --> 00:06:22,601
-Okay.
216
00:06:22,667 --> 00:06:22,667
- -you could support me
- a little bit...
217
00:06:22,667 --> 00:06:24,367
-All right! All right!
218
00:06:24,434 --> 00:06:26,710
- I mean, this is the circle
- of life coming full... oh, oh!
219
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:27,761
Oh! It-it should be
220
00:06:27,785 --> 00:06:28,834
coming up right here.
221
00:06:28,901 --> 00:06:31,095
Yeah, the House of McDonald is
222
00:06:31,119 --> 00:06:33,334
at this address...
223
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,133
here.
224
00:06:36,901 --> 00:06:38,728
Wow.
225
00:06:38,752 --> 00:06:40,601
Yeah, nailed it.
226
00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:44,077
- Cool, so your dad grew up
- in a McDonald's or...?
227
00:06:44,167 --> 00:06:45,594
No. No, my dad didn't grow up
228
00:06:45,618 --> 00:06:47,067
in a McDonald's.
229
00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:49,009
- You sure? 'Cause this is
- the House of McDonald.
230
00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:51,067
Hey, oh, you know what, dude?
231
00:06:51,133 --> 00:06:53,211
- Maybe you are, like,
- from the McDonald family?
232
00:06:53,300 --> 00:06:54,811
Like, like, are you
233
00:06:54,835 --> 00:06:56,367
the Ronald McDonald?
234
00:06:56,434 --> 00:06:58,276
- Like, is the hamburger clown
- named after you?
235
00:06:58,300 --> 00:06:59,644
I can't tell if you're
236
00:06:59,668 --> 00:07:01,033
making fun of me right now.
237
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:02,277
-Oh?
238
00:07:01,100 --> 00:07:03,500
I got to, we got to find out.
239
00:07:02,301 --> 00:07:03,567
-We got to go find out.
240
00:07:03,567 --> 00:07:03,567
- -You want to get some
- more information on that?
241
00:07:03,567 --> 00:07:05,067
-Yeah, let's get
242
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:07,143
- -some more information.
- -Yeah, okay, yeah, 'cause you
243
00:07:07,167 --> 00:07:08,727
- Could be entitled to
- a lot of money.
244
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,700
- DENNIS:
- What the hell is this, Frank?
245
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,376
- I-I thought we were going
- to a distillery.
246
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,511
You want an authentic
247
00:07:17,535 --> 00:07:18,667
Irish experience?
248
00:07:18,734 --> 00:07:20,328
There's nothing more Irish
249
00:07:20,352 --> 00:07:21,968
than a corporate tax shelter.
250
00:07:22,033 --> 00:07:23,311
Welcome to the worldwide
251
00:07:23,335 --> 00:07:24,634
headquarters
252
00:07:24,701 --> 00:07:26,078
-of Frank's Fluids.
253
00:07:26,102 --> 00:07:27,500
-Uh-huh.
254
00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:29,834
Goddamn. What's that smell?
255
00:07:29,901 --> 00:07:31,734
What smell?
256
00:07:31,801 --> 00:07:34,300
Oh, it's Ralphie.
257
00:07:34,367 --> 00:07:36,701
Must've got trapped in here.
258
00:07:36,767 --> 00:07:38,327
- Looks like he's fused
- to the carpet.
259
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:40,110
- -Uh-huh. Is that a cat?
- -It was.
260
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:41,444
Okay, well, that is,
261
00:07:41,468 --> 00:07:42,734
that is grotesque.
262
00:07:42,801 --> 00:07:44,178
-I can't believe
263
00:07:42,801 --> 00:07:45,601
-It stinks.
264
00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:45,667
I don't smell that.
265
00:07:45,667 --> 00:07:46,728
-I don't smell it.
266
00:07:45,667 --> 00:07:47,834
acting emergency.
267
00:07:46,752 --> 00:07:47,901
-Guys! Guys! Hey,
268
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,167
Oh, goddamn, what is that smell?
269
00:07:50,234 --> 00:07:51,743
- -That's Ralphie. He's fused.
- -Yeah.
270
00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:53,477
- -Oh.
- -Whoa, Dee!
271
00:07:53,567 --> 00:07:54,644
-That looks bad.
272
00:07:53,567 --> 00:07:55,767
a bit of a hematoma here.
273
00:07:54,668 --> 00:07:55,834
-Yeah, I got myself
274
00:07:55,834 --> 00:07:58,210
- -Can you guys please help me?
- -It's okay, Dee. I got you,
275
00:07:58,234 --> 00:07:58,234
- -I got you.
- This is why we're here.
276
00:07:58,234 --> 00:07:59,934
-Okay.
277
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:00,000
- -Yes.
- -You know, lucky for you,
278
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,868
I happen to have experience
279
00:08:01,934 --> 00:08:04,211
- covering up blunt force trauma,
- so...
280
00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:05,511
-Oh. Uh-uh, yeah.
281
00:08:05,535 --> 00:08:06,767
-Okay, good, so...
282
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,377
- -simple fix.
- -Great.
283
00:08:08,467 --> 00:08:10,411
- We simply need
- to redistribute the blood.
284
00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:11,940
- -Great, do it, let's go.
- -That...
285
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,578
- -Okay.
- -Do it, bitch, go!
286
00:08:13,667 --> 00:08:15,300
All right.
287
00:08:15,367 --> 00:08:17,500
(grunting)
288
00:08:17,567 --> 00:08:19,133
Oh, God!
289
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:20,344
-Ooh.
290
00:08:20,368 --> 00:08:21,534
-(shudders)
291
00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:22,701
Wow, look at that.
292
00:08:22,767 --> 00:08:24,801
Let me see here.
293
00:08:24,868 --> 00:08:26,901
Oh! Oh, shit.
294
00:08:26,968 --> 00:08:28,845
- -That's like magic.
- -Yeah.
295
00:08:28,934 --> 00:08:30,911
- Okay, now you guys can
- help me with my thing.
296
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,600
- We got to shred
- a bunch of documents.
297
00:08:32,667 --> 00:08:34,176
- What... whoa, what?
- What are you talking about, man?
298
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,167
Well, the thing of it is, um...
299
00:08:36,234 --> 00:08:37,694
that Frank's Fluids may
300
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,200
or may not have been
301
00:08:39,267 --> 00:08:41,127
the official beverage supplier
302
00:08:41,151 --> 00:08:43,033
of Jeffrey Epstein.
303
00:08:43,100 --> 00:08:44,434
(stammers)
304
00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:46,077
- -What?!
- -Jeffrey Epstein?!
305
00:08:46,167 --> 00:08:48,167
- Yeah. Yeah, but before you
- judge me, know this:
306
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,234
Yes, I was on the sex island,
307
00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:52,868
but only for the snorkeling!
308
00:08:52,934 --> 00:08:54,643
- I didn't know anything about
- the kid stuff.
309
00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:55,778
-Oh!
310
00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:56,934
95% of what went on down there
311
00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:57,000
-No, look,
312
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,011
-was not pedophilia.
313
00:08:58,035 --> 00:08:59,067
-Oh, yeah?
314
00:08:59,133 --> 00:09:00,667
No, the other five percent,
315
00:09:00,734 --> 00:09:02,411
- that sullied
- the whole operation.
316
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:03,877
- -Yeah, it sure did, Frank.
- -It sure did.
317
00:09:03,901 --> 00:09:05,578
- Well, you know,
- it ain't just me.
318
00:09:05,667 --> 00:09:08,211
- Your guys' names are on those
- documents, too, remember?
319
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:09,394
-What? Still?
320
00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:10,534
-Goddamn it, Frank!
321
00:09:10,601 --> 00:09:12,681
- -Son of a bitch!
- -No, I don't have time for this!
322
00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:14,543
- Well, come on, it'll be quick.
- It's only a couple boxes.
323
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:15,611
- -Ah, shit!
- -Oh...
324
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,067
Goddamn it!
325
00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:30,901
♪ ♪
326
00:09:30,968 --> 00:09:32,767
Bullshit.
327
00:09:32,834 --> 00:09:34,834
This one's bullshit.
328
00:09:34,901 --> 00:09:37,300
All these family tree books...
329
00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:38,934
This one just fell apart.
330
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,244
- There's so many
- "Mc" and "Mac" names, too.
331
00:09:41,334 --> 00:09:42,810
- Like, how are we supposed
- to find anything?
332
00:09:42,834 --> 00:09:44,476
- Dude, I found one right here
- in this gibberish book.
333
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,211
- There's a whole section
- on McDonald.
334
00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:48,260
- It's not gibberish,
- you just can't read, dude.
335
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,343
- Well, uh, well, no, I can
- read this. Here, check this out.
336
00:09:50,367 --> 00:09:53,467
"The McDonalds of County Cork
337
00:09:53,534 --> 00:09:55,934
"settled in the Lee Valley
338
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:56,000
- "-as far back as..."
- -Wait, wait, wait,
339
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:57,868
Wait a second.
340
00:09:57,934 --> 00:10:00,000
This is, like, Irish or Gaelic
341
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,276
- or whatever, whatever they
- call it... you can read that?
342
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:04,644
- Well, if "Gaelic"
- or "Irish" is-is what you call
343
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:06,710
- The magical gibberish language
- that my pen pal taught me,
344
00:10:06,734 --> 00:10:08,234
Uh, yes, Mac, I can.
345
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,444
- So you're telling me
- that you can't read English,
346
00:10:10,534 --> 00:10:12,944
- But you can speak and read
- an entirely different language?
347
00:10:12,968 --> 00:10:14,544
- Uh, I can read it,
- I can't speak it.
348
00:10:14,634 --> 00:10:15,944
- How can you read something
- you can't speak?
349
00:10:15,968 --> 00:10:17,343
- -It doesn't make any sense.
- -I don't know,
350
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,777
- It's the mystery
- of the magic, I don't know.
351
00:10:18,801 --> 00:10:20,410
- Plus, you know,
- these are Irish words,
352
00:10:20,434 --> 00:10:22,276
- And my mouth is made
- for American words naturally...
353
00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:23,894
So your imaginary pen pal was
354
00:10:23,918 --> 00:10:25,534
a real person?
355
00:10:25,601 --> 00:10:27,143
- Yes, dude, that's what I've been
- telling you this whole time.
356
00:10:27,167 --> 00:10:29,143
- My mom was, like, really
- invested in me having a pen pal
357
00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:31,511
- So she found me this kid,
- Shelley Kelly. You know, I...
358
00:10:31,601 --> 00:10:34,311
- I'm sorry, your pen pal's name
- was Shelley Kelly?
359
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,611
-Yeah.
360
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,868
maybe you were related?
361
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:36,934
-Have you ever thought
362
00:10:36,934 --> 00:10:38,178
-Why?
363
00:10:36,934 --> 00:10:39,467
the same last name.
364
00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:39,534
-Because you have
365
00:10:39,534 --> 00:10:41,878
- -He's from Ireland, man!
- -Jesus Christ! Okay, look.
366
00:10:41,968 --> 00:10:43,009
Follow me here for a second...
367
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:44,176
- Your mom was a giant whore,
- right?
368
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:45,177
-Yeah.
369
00:10:45,201 --> 00:10:46,201
-Okay.
370
00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:48,544
- So maybe she banged
- her way through Ireland sometime
371
00:10:48,634 --> 00:10:50,067
In the '70s, right?
372
00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:51,877
- And maybe this is,
- like, your half brother.
373
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,834
Dude, wait a second.
374
00:10:53,901 --> 00:10:56,344
- Now you're finally making some
- sense here, because, like,
375
00:10:56,434 --> 00:10:58,311
- This guy is like
- the Irish version of me.
376
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,243
- You know what I mean?
- We're into all the same shit.
377
00:11:00,267 --> 00:11:02,267
Um, cheese, ghouls, um...
378
00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:04,434
uh, ghouls, cheese, uh...
379
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:06,267
Holy shit, man, this is crazy.
380
00:11:06,334 --> 00:11:07,443
- -You know what the problem is?
- -Yeah.
381
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:08,947
- This library's got
- too many books.
382
00:11:09,033 --> 00:11:11,511
- -And so what I got to do is...
- -You need a phone instead.
383
00:11:11,601 --> 00:11:12,645
-Well, I got to go
384
00:11:11,601 --> 00:11:13,734
-Of?
385
00:11:12,669 --> 00:11:13,801
to the source.
386
00:11:13,801 --> 00:11:16,634
I'm gonna call my mommy.
387
00:11:16,701 --> 00:11:18,394
-(phone rings)
388
00:11:18,418 --> 00:11:20,133
-(TV playing indistinctly)
389
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,400
(grunts)
390
00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:22,578
-Hey, Mommy!
391
00:11:22,602 --> 00:11:23,734
-Who is this?
392
00:11:23,801 --> 00:11:25,734
It's... it's me, Mac.
393
00:11:25,801 --> 00:11:26,995
-Oh.
394
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:28,234
-Yeah, I'm in Ireland.
395
00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:29,868
(grunting)
396
00:11:29,934 --> 00:11:31,868
I miss you, too.
397
00:11:31,934 --> 00:11:33,743
- -She didn't say that.
- -Yes, she did. She did.
398
00:11:33,767 --> 00:11:35,476
- -Nah, she didn't. She did not.
- -She totally did. Hey, Mom?
399
00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:37,200
Um, so, anyway, um,
400
00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:38,644
we're in Ireland, and I was
401
00:11:38,668 --> 00:11:40,067
looking for Dad's house,
402
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:42,044
- but the address
- you gave me was wrong,
403
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:44,733
- And, like, I kind of can't find
- the Luther McDonalds anywhere.
404
00:11:44,801 --> 00:11:46,968
Yeah.
405
00:11:47,033 --> 00:11:48,901
What do you mean, "yeah"?
406
00:11:48,968 --> 00:11:51,344
- Do you have any information
- on Dad or our heritage?
407
00:11:51,434 --> 00:11:53,277
- -No.
- -What do you mean, "no"?
408
00:11:53,367 --> 00:11:54,801
You're not Irish.
409
00:11:54,868 --> 00:11:55,895
-(bell tolls)
410
00:11:55,919 --> 00:11:56,968
-I'm not Irish?
411
00:11:57,033 --> 00:11:58,411
- -Yeah.
- -Are you joking?
412
00:11:58,500 --> 00:12:00,011
-Nope.
413
00:12:00,035 --> 00:12:01,567
-My last name is McDonald.
414
00:12:01,634 --> 00:12:03,111
-No.
415
00:12:01,634 --> 00:12:04,634
that Dad changed his last name?
416
00:12:03,135 --> 00:12:04,701
-Are you telling me
417
00:12:04,701 --> 00:12:06,744
- -Yep.
- -What's Dad's last name?
418
00:12:06,834 --> 00:12:08,234
Vandross.
419
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:10,434
Dad's name is Luther Vandross?
420
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:12,644
- -Are you messing with me?
- -No.
421
00:12:12,734 --> 00:12:14,244
- -Are you Irish?
- -Uh-uh.
422
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,010
- -What are you?
- -Dutch.
423
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:17,811
- -What's Dad?
- -Dutch.
424
00:12:17,901 --> 00:12:19,934
Am I Dutch?!
425
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,534
Yeah.
426
00:12:21,601 --> 00:12:22,712
No, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,
427
00:12:22,736 --> 00:12:23,868
slow down.
428
00:12:23,934 --> 00:12:25,444
Slow down, be serious, Mom,
429
00:12:25,468 --> 00:12:27,000
be serious!
430
00:12:27,067 --> 00:12:30,167
Am I Irish?
431
00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:33,334
No.
432
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,109
- Please-please tell me
- th-that's not true.
433
00:12:35,133 --> 00:12:37,734
Please tell me that I'm...
434
00:12:37,801 --> 00:12:39,734
No! No!
435
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:41,234
You Dutch?
436
00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:43,077
- No, th-th-there's
- no way I'm Dutch.
437
00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:44,543
- -There's no way I'm...
- -(others shushing)
438
00:12:44,567 --> 00:12:46,801
You shush! You shush!
439
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:48,067
- FRANK:
- Everybody was on the island
440
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:50,634
That weekend.
441
00:12:50,701 --> 00:12:52,334
Jizzaline...
442
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,028
the-the computer guy
443
00:12:54,052 --> 00:12:55,701
with the little weird glasses?
444
00:12:55,767 --> 00:12:57,744
- He didn't do anything
- with the kids.
445
00:12:57,834 --> 00:12:58,911
But he was really
446
00:12:58,935 --> 00:13:00,033
into the manatees.
447
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:01,261
Which, by the way,
448
00:13:01,285 --> 00:13:02,467
also got very sexual.
449
00:13:02,534 --> 00:13:04,010
- (stammers)
- Frank...
450
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:05,543
- Can you, can you
- just stop talking
451
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,009
- About sexual things
- with manatees.
452
00:13:07,033 --> 00:13:08,977
- The following year,
- he doesn't show up,
453
00:13:09,067 --> 00:13:10,278
The manatee's
454
00:13:10,302 --> 00:13:11,534
all bent out of shape.
455
00:13:11,601 --> 00:13:13,200
Frank, can you please stop?
456
00:13:13,267 --> 00:13:14,567
I-I'm looking for someone
457
00:13:14,634 --> 00:13:16,400
and you're distracting me.
458
00:13:16,467 --> 00:13:17,628
I mean, this manatee was
459
00:13:17,652 --> 00:13:18,834
so depressed,
460
00:13:18,901 --> 00:13:20,362
she actually swam
461
00:13:20,386 --> 00:13:21,868
into a boat propeller.
462
00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:24,067
Boom! Blammo!
463
00:13:24,133 --> 00:13:26,067
Mantacide.
464
00:13:26,133 --> 00:13:28,234
The moral of the story is
465
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:29,677
the heart wants
466
00:13:29,701 --> 00:13:31,100
what the heart wants.
467
00:13:31,167 --> 00:13:33,500
It was all consensual.
468
00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:34,544
Except for the kids,
469
00:13:34,568 --> 00:13:35,568
thus the shredding.
470
00:13:35,634 --> 00:13:37,200
(groans)
471
00:13:37,267 --> 00:13:39,344
- Wait, oh, Frank, Frank,
- I've found her.
472
00:13:39,434 --> 00:13:40,894
-FRANK: Who?
473
00:13:39,434 --> 00:13:42,400
with the perfect
474
00:13:40,918 --> 00:13:42,467
-The perfect woman
475
00:13:42,467 --> 00:13:45,000
head of Irish hair.
476
00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:46,161
What, what the hell,
477
00:13:46,185 --> 00:13:47,300
what the hell is that?
478
00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:50,110
- With the hair thing... what are
- you, some kind of freak?
479
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,400
Here's the thing.
480
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,244
I've always noticed that
481
00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:56,067
redheads have a distinct odor.
482
00:13:56,133 --> 00:13:58,544
- (stammers)
- A pleasant odor, to be clear.
483
00:13:58,634 --> 00:14:01,033
But, um, a peculiar scent
484
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:03,220
- that is quite different
- than all other hair types.
485
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:05,678
- And I've always wondered,
- like, is that a genetic thing?
486
00:14:05,767 --> 00:14:08,247
- Or is it some sort of mutation
- that sprung from generations
487
00:14:08,300 --> 00:14:09,561
Of being away
488
00:14:09,585 --> 00:14:10,868
from the motherland, so...
489
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,744
- I wanted to find a native with
- an authentic head of Irish hair.
490
00:14:13,834 --> 00:14:15,934
And this little lass over there
491
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,234
is the perfect specimen.
492
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:20,744
- -Uh-huh.
- -The perfect woman, I mean.
493
00:14:20,834 --> 00:14:22,344
- (stammers)
- Woman.
494
00:14:22,434 --> 00:14:23,767
She's the perfect woman.
495
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:25,467
I'll be back.
496
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:28,934
(sighs)
497
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,767
Hi, how are you?
498
00:14:30,834 --> 00:14:32,234
Lovely. How are you?
499
00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:33,944
- I'm great, I'm great.
- Are you from Ireland?
500
00:14:33,968 --> 00:14:35,277
- (laughs)
- How'd you guess?
501
00:14:35,367 --> 00:14:36,528
-(laughs, sniffs)
502
00:14:36,552 --> 00:14:37,734
-Oi!
503
00:14:37,801 --> 00:14:39,178
-Liar!
504
00:14:39,202 --> 00:14:40,601
-What the hell are you doing?
505
00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:43,177
- What the hell are you doing?
- You're not Irish.
506
00:14:43,267 --> 00:14:44,744
- Or if you are,
- that-that's a wig.
507
00:14:44,834 --> 00:14:46,367
There's no smell at all to you.
508
00:14:46,434 --> 00:14:47,577
- Am I to believe
- that you're a natural redhead
509
00:14:47,601 --> 00:14:48,934
And yet there's no odor?
510
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,161
No odor at all?
511
00:14:50,185 --> 00:14:51,367
No, I don't believe you.
512
00:14:51,434 --> 00:14:52,728
Are you okay, hon?
513
00:14:52,752 --> 00:14:54,067
You seem a little nutted.
514
00:14:54,133 --> 00:14:56,177
- Oh, no, I'm fine.
- If anyone's nutted, it's you.
515
00:14:56,267 --> 00:14:57,976
- Okay, if "nutted" means
- that you're a liar.
516
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,976
- -Have you got a temp check yet?
- -What are you talk...?
517
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,544
- Don't-don't point
- that thing at me.
518
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:02,968
Jesus. You have a fever.
519
00:15:03,033 --> 00:15:04,500
Okay, well, if I'm hot,
520
00:15:04,567 --> 00:15:06,778
- it's only because you've
- riled me up with your lies.
521
00:15:06,868 --> 00:15:09,508
- My friend and I have traveled a
- long way to this country and...
522
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:10,661
-Is that him?
523
00:15:10,685 --> 00:15:11,834
-Yeah.
524
00:15:11,901 --> 00:15:13,621
- You can't dump
- your rubbish in the beer!
525
00:15:13,667 --> 00:15:15,028
That's not rubbish,
526
00:15:15,052 --> 00:15:16,434
it's, uh, shredded documents
527
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:18,678
- from a sex island, it's...
- I'm not gonna explain it
528
00:15:18,767 --> 00:15:20,743
- To you because, uh,
- it sounds worse than it is.
529
00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:21,868
You need to leave!
530
00:15:21,934 --> 00:15:23,494
- I'm going to leave.
- I want to leave.
531
00:15:23,567 --> 00:15:25,477
- I'm gonna go find
- real Irish people,
532
00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:27,577
- Who have odors and don't
- make people smell them,
533
00:15:27,601 --> 00:15:30,110
- Only to find out
- that they have no odor at all!
534
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,968
That's crazy!
535
00:15:32,033 --> 00:15:34,200
Good day to you.
536
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:37,911
- Hey, Frank,
- we got to go, man, come on.
537
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,411
- We're getting kicked out.
- Someone lied and I got angry.
538
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:41,500
- -Oh.
- -(phone ringing)
539
00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:42,934
(groans) Wait a minute.
540
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,500
Hold on a second.
541
00:15:45,567 --> 00:15:46,728
-Hey, Charlie!
542
00:15:46,752 --> 00:15:47,934
-Yo, Frank.
543
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,845
- Hey, man.
- Can you come pick us up?
544
00:15:49,934 --> 00:15:51,643
- We got booted out of the library
- 'cause Mac's freaking out.
545
00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:53,300
He just found out he's Dutch.
546
00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:54,411
Aw, that's gonna be
547
00:15:54,435 --> 00:15:55,500
a whole thing.
548
00:15:55,567 --> 00:15:57,043
- Oh, dude,
- it's a whole thing already.
549
00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:58,376
- He's being super annoying
- about it.
550
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,344
- We just got tossed
- out of this pub,
551
00:16:00,434 --> 00:16:02,578
- Because Dennis was smelling
- somebody's hair.
552
00:16:02,667 --> 00:16:04,977
- You can't smell something
- that's got no odor, Frank.
553
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:06,611
- Oh, really?
- (chuckles) Weird.
554
00:16:06,701 --> 00:16:08,500
Hey, look, dude, I found out
555
00:16:08,567 --> 00:16:10,476
- I might have, like,
- a half brother or something.
556
00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:12,610
- So maybe we can, like, take this
- trip out to the countryside?
557
00:16:12,634 --> 00:16:14,376
- I'd really love
- to meet up with this guy.
558
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,534
A brother? That's weird.
559
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:18,234
Well, the country sounds good.
560
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:20,177
- I can fold in
- my shred-and-spread.
561
00:16:20,267 --> 00:16:22,010
- Oh, you're doing
- a shred-and-spread?
562
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:23,810
- We haven't done
- one of those in years, man!
563
00:16:23,834 --> 00:16:25,601
I'm gonna kill myself, Frank.
564
00:16:25,667 --> 00:16:28,076
- He's not really gonna do it,
- dude, he's just being dramatic.
565
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:29,111
-Do it, bitch!
566
00:16:29,135 --> 00:16:30,167
-Yeah, do it, bitch.
567
00:16:30,234 --> 00:16:31,543
- I'm not really gonna do it.
- It's just a cry for help.
568
00:16:31,567 --> 00:16:33,643
- Yeah, no shit! Just-just
- come pick us up, all right?
569
00:16:33,667 --> 00:16:35,734
All right, all right, goodbye!
570
00:16:35,801 --> 00:16:37,143
- -Wait, let me get this bag...
- -Let's go.
571
00:16:37,167 --> 00:16:38,577
- Come on, let's get
- this stuff out of here.
572
00:16:38,601 --> 00:16:39,944
- This is ridiculous, man.
- What are you doing?
573
00:16:39,968 --> 00:16:41,343
- You're throwing it in a keg,
- seriously?
574
00:16:41,367 --> 00:16:43,607
- What, what are you gonna do?
- I got to get rid of 'em.
575
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:53,010
- She has arrived, the obnoxious
- American MILF is walking!
576
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,133
The MILF is walking.
577
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,478
-You're two hours late.
578
00:16:56,502 --> 00:16:57,801
-Am I now? Oh, gosh. Well,
579
00:16:57,868 --> 00:17:00,009
- I did get caught up in a little
- bit of a shred-and-spread,
580
00:17:00,033 --> 00:17:01,476
- Plus it's hard to tell
- with the time difference.
581
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:03,444
- Um, you can show me
- to my trailer now.
582
00:17:03,534 --> 00:17:05,310
- And I'd love a cup of coffee...
- Two creams, please?
583
00:17:05,334 --> 00:17:06,544
- -Uh...
- -Holy shit.
584
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:07,901
What?
585
00:17:07,968 --> 00:17:09,434
I am so confused.
586
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:11,267
Is this more makeup?
587
00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:13,100
(stammers, gasps)
588
00:17:13,167 --> 00:17:15,868
Oh, goddamn! I mean...
589
00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,594
Yeah, yeah, it looks
590
00:17:17,618 --> 00:17:19,300
as though the makeup
591
00:17:19,367 --> 00:17:20,978
did redistribute down
592
00:17:21,002 --> 00:17:22,634
into my, my eye area.
593
00:17:22,701 --> 00:17:24,200
I think just a quick touch-up
594
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:26,177
- from a professional
- would do the trick.
595
00:17:26,267 --> 00:17:27,976
- Okay, ma'am, I don't know
- what's going on with you,
596
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,778
- -but please leave my set.
- -Hmm?
597
00:17:29,868 --> 00:17:31,810
- No, no, no, no... no, come on.
- Give me a chance, please.
598
00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:34,311
- I can still be an obnoxious
- American mom you'd like to F!
599
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:36,033
Please, just give me a chance.
600
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:38,544
- I'm sorry,
- we've already recast your part.
601
00:17:42,167 --> 00:17:43,601
You!
602
00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:45,300
Do you two know each other?
603
00:17:45,367 --> 00:17:46,744
-What are you doing here?
604
00:17:46,768 --> 00:17:48,167
-What are you doing here?
605
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:49,444
- -I asked you first!
- -Okay!
606
00:17:49,534 --> 00:17:51,444
- I've just been
- backpacking across Europe.
607
00:17:51,534 --> 00:17:53,143
- About an hour ago,
- some guy approached me,
608
00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:54,877
- Said I'd be perfect
- for an obnoxious American MILF.
609
00:17:54,901 --> 00:17:56,434
Here I am.
610
00:17:56,500 --> 00:17:57,976
- You don't know what you're
- doing! You're not even an actor.
611
00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,678
- -Neither are you.
- -Oh, you bitch!
612
00:17:59,767 --> 00:17:59,767
- -Oh, you dumb bitch!
- -Okay.
613
00:17:59,767 --> 00:18:01,634
-Security!
614
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:02,810
- -Get this woman off my set!
- -Don't you start!
615
00:18:02,834 --> 00:18:03,945
- -Security!
- -Don't you...
616
00:18:04,033 --> 00:18:05,833
- Come on, man!
- Okay, okay, okay, it's fine!
617
00:18:05,901 --> 00:18:07,911
- Okay, it's fine.
- Everyone, listen, please.
618
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,334
Please, please, I'm begging you.
619
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:10,976
- I'm begging you...
- I need this so bad!
620
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,467
I need this worse
621
00:18:12,534 --> 00:18:14,176
- than I've ever needed
- anything in my entire life.
622
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,480
Please give me a role, any role.
623
00:18:15,534 --> 00:18:16,844
A speaking role.
624
00:18:16,868 --> 00:18:18,200
I'll say anything.
625
00:18:20,234 --> 00:18:22,701
I'll also do anything.
626
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:24,367
That won't be necessary.
627
00:18:24,434 --> 00:18:26,334
Is it the black eyes, like...?
628
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,610
- Because I don't trade roles
- for sex.
629
00:18:27,634 --> 00:18:29,143
- Oh, goddamn feminists
- ruin everything.
630
00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:30,476
- -Come on, man.
- -Okay, okay, okay.
631
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:31,528
L-Look, we're
632
00:18:31,552 --> 00:18:32,601
casting for the role
633
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:35,044
- of "abused wife" for a scene
- that shoots tomorrow.
634
00:18:35,133 --> 00:18:37,177
- -Huh?
- -It's only one line, but...
635
00:18:37,267 --> 00:18:39,227
- I suppose given
- your current face situation...
636
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,567
Yes, I'll take it! I'll nail it!
637
00:18:41,634 --> 00:18:44,077
- I'm gonna be fucking hilarious!
- Oh, my God!
638
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:46,344
- You'll see,
- you'll see how funny I am.
639
00:18:46,434 --> 00:18:48,144
- -The role is "abused wife."
- -Yeah.
640
00:18:48,234 --> 00:18:49,968
There's nothing funny about it.
641
00:18:50,033 --> 00:18:52,300
Oh, dramatic role.
642
00:18:52,367 --> 00:18:54,211
- Even better.
- That's where the awards are.
643
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,711
- Yeah, whatever. Just be here
- tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.
644
00:18:56,801 --> 00:18:58,577
- -Okay, yep, yep. No, I won't.
- -And don't be late.
645
00:18:58,601 --> 00:19:00,977
- Abused wife!
- Is it Abused Wife Number One?
646
00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:02,678
Or... It doesn't matter.
647
00:19:02,702 --> 00:19:04,334
Oh, my God, I'm gonna nail it.
648
00:19:05,601 --> 00:19:06,895
DENNIS:
649
00:19:05,601 --> 00:19:08,234
this driving experience has
650
00:19:06,919 --> 00:19:08,300
Well, gentlemen,
651
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:09,944
- become much more charming
- now that I've
652
00:19:09,968 --> 00:19:09,968
- -switched to driving
- on the correct side of the road.
653
00:19:09,968 --> 00:19:12,400
-Huh?
654
00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:12,467
- -(horn honks)
- -See, the Irish are
655
00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:14,033
So accommodating.
656
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:16,578
- They-they don't want to drive
- headfirst into a maniac.
657
00:19:16,667 --> 00:19:17,861
-They will simply move
658
00:19:16,667 --> 00:19:19,100
-Uh-huh.
659
00:19:17,885 --> 00:19:19,167
to avoid us.
660
00:19:19,167 --> 00:19:20,778
-Uh-huh.
661
00:19:20,802 --> 00:19:22,434
-(coughing)
662
00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,734
Dude, are you sick?
663
00:19:24,801 --> 00:19:25,812
(coughing):
664
00:19:25,836 --> 00:19:26,868
I'm not sick.
665
00:19:26,934 --> 00:19:28,345
I think I'm c-coughing 'cause
666
00:19:28,369 --> 00:19:29,801
of all the European exhaust.
667
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:31,061
The air is probably thick
668
00:19:31,085 --> 00:19:32,300
with, uh, petrol.
669
00:19:32,367 --> 00:19:33,934
He can't smell nothing.
670
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,611
- -Plus he's got a fever.
- -What?
671
00:19:35,701 --> 00:19:37,444
- Do you think you might
- have COVID, dude?
672
00:19:37,534 --> 00:19:39,400
I-I don't have COVID, okay?
673
00:19:39,467 --> 00:19:39,467
- -It's probably just, like,
- allergies or something.
674
00:19:39,467 --> 00:19:41,434
-(horn honking)
675
00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:43,667
You know? Swerve, asshole!
676
00:19:43,734 --> 00:19:45,610
- Do you want to collide
- with an oncoming car?!
677
00:19:45,634 --> 00:19:47,968
(coughing)
678
00:19:48,033 --> 00:19:50,534
Oh, my God, I'm on a call sheet!
679
00:19:50,601 --> 00:19:51,878
That's my name!
680
00:19:51,902 --> 00:19:53,200
I can't believe this!
681
00:19:53,267 --> 00:19:55,534
I'm gonna be an abused wife!
682
00:19:55,601 --> 00:19:57,267
Oh!
683
00:19:57,334 --> 00:19:58,595
This is the greatest day
684
00:19:58,619 --> 00:19:59,901
of my life... oh, shit!
685
00:19:59,968 --> 00:20:01,610
- Got to look right
- when you're in Ireland.
686
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,778
- -That would've been stupid...
- -(tires screech)
687
00:20:03,868 --> 00:20:05,467
(all shouting)
688
00:20:05,534 --> 00:20:07,211
- -Oh!
- -Oh, shit!
689
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:08,878
- -Oh, G...
- -No.
690
00:20:08,968 --> 00:20:10,411
- -That's not good.
- -Come on.
691
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:11,761
-Aw, man!
692
00:20:11,785 --> 00:20:13,067
-Oh, goddamn it, Dee!
693
00:20:13,133 --> 00:20:14,767
Why weren't you looking?
694
00:20:14,834 --> 00:20:14,834
- -Well, she looked right.
- -Well, you got
695
00:20:14,834 --> 00:20:17,000
To look both ways.
696
00:20:17,067 --> 00:20:19,277
- I mean,
- that's standard shit, man.
697
00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:21,143
- All right, well, don't yell
- at her... she's unconscious.
698
00:20:21,167 --> 00:20:23,009
- CHARLIE: All right, you know
- what, Frank, give her some stew.
699
00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:24,911
- -I finished the stew.
- -All right, uh, maybe
700
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,778
- Breathe your stewy breath
- in her face?
701
00:20:26,868 --> 00:20:27,895
Stew and stew breath
702
00:20:27,919 --> 00:20:28,968
have never...
703
00:20:29,033 --> 00:20:30,500
(coughing)
704
00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:32,467
You definitely have COVID, man.
705
00:20:32,534 --> 00:20:35,010
- You're the only one
- that didn't get vaccinated.
706
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:36,544
I'm fine, I'm fine. Now, we
707
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:38,033
told Dee that we were gonna
708
00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:39,910
- pick her up from her acting gig,
- and that's what we're gonna do.
709
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,544
- We're gonna,
- we're gonna pick her up.
710
00:20:41,634 --> 00:20:43,467
Pick her up? I mean...
711
00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,611
- she's all gangly
- and then I'm gonna be crammed
712
00:20:45,701 --> 00:20:47,541
- In the backseat
- with an unconscious person.
713
00:20:47,601 --> 00:20:49,578
- Like, is there
- anything else we can do?
714
00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:53,434
♪ ♪
715
00:20:54,734 --> 00:20:56,467
(grunting)
716
00:20:56,534 --> 00:20:58,410
- All right, th-this is
- just gonna be much better,
717
00:20:58,434 --> 00:20:58,434
- -I think, you know?
- -We should've done this
718
00:20:58,434 --> 00:21:00,534
From the very beginning.
719
00:21:00,601 --> 00:21:01,712
-Yeah!
720
00:21:00,601 --> 00:21:02,868
we're finally on vacation.
721
00:21:01,736 --> 00:21:02,934
-Guys, I think
722
00:21:02,934 --> 00:21:04,934
♪ Hey! ♪
723
00:21:43,801 --> 00:21:46,734
(trio chanting backwards)
724
00:21:46,801 --> 00:21:46,801
- Captioned by
- Media Access Group at WGBH
725
00:21:46,801 --> 00:21:49,300
Access.wgbh.org