- CHARLIE: - All right, try to get it
All the way up under her nose.
- -All-all the way... - -MAC: I'm just trying
To stick it in her mouth.
- Under her nose should do it - and let it kind of waft up.
- DENNIS: - Oh, she's starting to wake up.
- -There she... there we go! - -Wakey, wakey, Dee!
- Good, because I'm getting sick - of trying to keep
The-the hair out of the soup.
- CHARLIE: - It's not soup, it's stew,
Okay, and you...
- MAC: - Same thing, don't correct me.
- DENNIS: - Soup or stew,
You shouldn't feed it
to an unconscious person.
- Yeah, but I'm trying - to use it to wake her up.
- FRANK: - Look, she's not gonna eat it,
I'm telling you.
- DENNIS: - It's not gonna wake her up;
I mean,
- I don't think stew has - any arousing components.
- What are you talking about?! - The smells...
What is this? What's going on?
- The flavors! - That's the whole point
- Of getting the stew - in the first place.
Wha-What is this? Where am I?
- All right, Dee, remember - yesterday when you were waving
- That first-class ticket - to Ireland in our faces
- And bragging about - that acting gig that you got?
- -Yeah. - -Yeah?
Then you drank yourself
into a stupor and passed out?
I... oh... o-okay.
Yeah, well, uh, good news.
- We took that one - first-class ticket,
- Divided it - into five coach tickets.
- And then gave you - just enough sleeping pills
- To keep you blissfully asleep - so you could enjoy the flight
- And wake up here in Dublin - fully rested.
- No. No, you didn't! - You didn't do this.
- This-this can't be - happening, no.
- -Yeah, no, we did. - That's exactly what we did.
-(others agreeing)
- We absolutely did. Because we - wanted to be supportive.
- -No, you didn't! - -Because we are always there
For each other.
-No, we're not!
In good times and in bad.
-Right, guys?
-CHARLIE: We are.
um, you are late.
-And speaking of time,
- -You got about 15 minutes - to get to that TV studio.
-Oh, God.
- -No, no, no, no. - -CHARLIE:
Good thing you woke up.
- -This can't be happening... - -Well, slow down now.
- -Hey, be sure to look to - the right if you go in the road!
-Be careful out there.
- 'Cause they drive - on the other side here!
-No, no, no, no, no. No.
-(bagpipes playing)
Oh, goddamn it!
Taxi? Oh, taxi!
-Taxi! Taxi!
-(tires screech)
♪ Hey! ♪
- -FRANK: Car! - -DENNIS: Yeah, I see it, Frank,
- -I can handle the driving. - -Oh, just go faster, goddamn it!
- I can't believe - you guys did this to me.
- Oh, my God, Dee, we are - driving you to work, okay?
We-we brought you to Ireland.
We brought you here, okay?
- We didn't have to do that. - Do you know how hard
- It was to get you - through customs?
- -It was wicked hard, yeah. - -We're doing this for you!
- Whatever, okay, I think - the studio's right up here.
- I'll call you guys around 6:00 - or whenever I'm off.
-Why?
-So you can pick me up.
-(laughs) What?
-Dee, we're taking time
- out of our Irish vacation - to drive you to work,
Now you want us to pick you up?
"Vacation"? You just said
you were here for me!
Well, yeah, we're here for you,
- but we're also here - for our vacation.
- Yeah, I'm back - in the motherland finally!
- I've always wanted to trace - back my family lineage.
- I mean, as the most Irish - person here, I really think...
- Wait a minute, wait, - whoa, whoa, dude, I'm Irish.
- Well, yeah, but you're - not as Irish as me.
I could be. You don't know that.
- -How do you know that? - -Charlie, I have
A shamrock tattooed on my thigh.
- -So what? - -I'm gonna show it to you!
You want to see it?!
- -No, stop it! - You're squishing me!
-Car! Car!
- -I see the car, stop! Mac, stop! - -Goddamn it.
- -You're kicking my seat, okay? - -That was close.
- Keep your stupid, ugly - shamrock tattoo in your pants.
- Why did you have to get the - teeny, tiniest car possible?
- -It is small. - -I'm getting squished back here
- And just sucking in - diesel fumes.
What did you want me to do, Dee?
- Did you want me to rent - a big obnoxious American truck
Like-like that one over there?
- That's exactly what we're - trying to get away from.
Okay, you know,
the-the tiny car,
- that's all part of the charm - of-of Europe.
- You know, like driving on - the left-hand side of the road.
- Dangerous - for Americans like you.
- But, you know, - it's authentic and,
- And that's what I want, - that's what I'm going for.
- -An authentic Irish... - -(honking horn)
-Get fucked!
-Oh!
Irish experience.
Okay, just pull over, all right?
- Just pull over and let me out! - I'll walk.
You goddamn bastards!
♪ ♪
Here I am! "Obnoxious American"
"MILF" reporting for duty, sir!
- You're late. You were supposed - to be here an hour ago.
- I know, I know, - I hit a little bit of traffic.
- But if you think about it, - you know, in a way,
- I feel like the character - would be late, too,
- So it's not really - that big of a...
- You're lucky this time... - Production's running behind,
- So we don't need you - for another hour.
Ah, thank God, okay.
- Jesus Christ. - What happened to you?
Ah! Ow.
- (laughing): - Well, that's...
That's a doozy, isn't it?
- We can't shoot you like that... - It-it's disturbing!
- Well, it's not, - it's not even real.
It-It's just makeup.
- It's makeup left over - from the show
-I did this morning.
-That's makeup?
- Yep, nothing to it - but a little latex and blush.
You know, I just forgot to...
(winces) wash... it off.
Um, you know, probably 'cause I
never wear makeup in real life.
'Cause natural beauty.
I'll tell you what, um, since
- I do have a little time, - I should just pop out and wash
- My face real quick and-and come - right back, it's not a big deal.
- Go on, just go on. - Be back in an hour.
- -And don't be late again. - -Absolutely. I won't be late.
I'm one wet wipe away
from being your MILF.
- ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: - Can we get cracking here,
People, come on!
- DEE: - Oh, you're gonna want
To F this so bad!
MAC:
This is so exciting.
- -Yeah. - -I already feel like I'm home.
I cannot wait to see the house
that my dad grew up in.
-Apparently it's been
-Oh.
in my family for generations.
-Cool. Yeah, I mean,
-Yeah.
I dig it here, man.
- You know, you get - all the comforts of Philly.
- You got drunks, you got - Irish people, you got, um...
- I guess that's - the same thing, but, like,
- You also get, like, the magical - mystical element of this place,
- You know, you get the banshees - and the spirits and the sprites!
- And Shelley! Shelley's here, - which is pretty cool.
- All of those things are made up, - including Shelley.
- -Shelley's not made up. - -He's your imaginary friend
- -that you've had - since you were a kid.
-Dude, he's not my
- imaginary friend, - he's my pen pal, okay?
- And he's Irish, - that's why his name is Shelley.
A pen pal that writes to you
in a magical language.
- Dude, the guy's real, okay? - And this is why
-I know more about
-Hey, stop!
Ireland than you do.
Stop right there, all right?
- This is why Irish people - hate Americans.
- You've got, like, - two percent Irish in you,
- And you think you know more - about Ireland than me?
- Do you have a shamrock tattoo - somewhere on your body? No.
I do, because that's
my primary identity.
Number one, Irish.
Number two, gay.
Number three, badass.
You're none of those things,
- so you should be talking - of none of them.
- Are talking - about what you identify as
Or what you actually are?
- They're the same thing now, - Charlie.
- And I can have you canceled - for even suggesting otherwise.
- -No, right. - -I have the power to do that.
Because I'm a gay man and you're
just a straight white, cis male.
Yeah. And Irish, so...
Will you just be here for me?
- -Okay. - -This is a huge day for me
- -and I just, - I feel like you could...
-Okay.
- -you could support me - a little bit...
-All right! All right!
- I mean, this is the circle - of life coming full... oh, oh!
Oh! It-it should be
coming up right here.
Yeah, the House of McDonald is
at this address...
here.
Wow.
Yeah, nailed it.
- Cool, so your dad grew up - in a McDonald's or...?
No. No, my dad didn't grow up
in a McDonald's.
- You sure? 'Cause this is - the House of McDonald.
Hey, oh, you know what, dude?
- Maybe you are, like, - from the McDonald family?
Like, like, are you
the Ronald McDonald?
- Like, is the hamburger clown - named after you?
I can't tell if you're
making fun of me right now.
-Oh?
I got to, we got to find out.
-We got to go find out.
- -You want to get some - more information on that?
-Yeah, let's get
- -some more information. - -Yeah, okay, yeah, 'cause you
- Could be entitled to - a lot of money.
- DENNIS: - What the hell is this, Frank?
- I-I thought we were going - to a distillery.
You want an authentic
Irish experience?
There's nothing more Irish
than a corporate tax shelter.
Welcome to the worldwide
headquarters
-of Frank's Fluids.
-Uh-huh.
Goddamn. What's that smell?
What smell?
Oh, it's Ralphie.
Must've got trapped in here.
- Looks like he's fused - to the carpet.
- -Uh-huh. Is that a cat? - -It was.
Okay, well, that is,
that is grotesque.
-I can't believe
-It stinks.
I don't smell that.
-I don't smell it.
acting emergency.
-Guys! Guys! Hey,
Oh, goddamn, what is that smell?
- -That's Ralphie. He's fused. - -Yeah.
- -Oh. - -Whoa, Dee!
-That looks bad.
a bit of a hematoma here.
-Yeah, I got myself
- -Can you guys please help me? - -It's okay, Dee. I got you,
- -I got you. - This is why we're here.
-Okay.
- -Yes. - -You know, lucky for you,
I happen to have experience
- covering up blunt force trauma, - so...
-Oh. Uh-uh, yeah.
-Okay, good, so...
- -simple fix. - -Great.
- We simply need - to redistribute the blood.
- -Great, do it, let's go. - -That...
- -Okay. - -Do it, bitch, go!
All right.
(grunting)
Oh, God!
-Ooh.
-(shudders)
Wow, look at that.
Let me see here.
Oh! Oh, shit.
- -That's like magic. - -Yeah.
- Okay, now you guys can - help me with my thing.
- We got to shred - a bunch of documents.
- What... whoa, what? - What are you talking about, man?
Well, the thing of it is, um...
that Frank's Fluids may
or may not have been
the official beverage supplier
of Jeffrey Epstein.
(stammers)
- -What?! - -Jeffrey Epstein?!
- Yeah. Yeah, but before you - judge me, know this:
Yes, I was on the sex island,
but only for the snorkeling!
- I didn't know anything about - the kid stuff.
-Oh!
95% of what went on down there
-No, look,
-was not pedophilia.
-Oh, yeah?
No, the other five percent,
- that sullied - the whole operation.
- -Yeah, it sure did, Frank. - -It sure did.
- Well, you know, - it ain't just me.
- Your guys' names are on those - documents, too, remember?
-What? Still?
-Goddamn it, Frank!
- -Son of a bitch! - -No, I don't have time for this!
- Well, come on, it'll be quick. - It's only a couple boxes.
- -Ah, shit! - -Oh...
Goddamn it!
♪ ♪
Bullshit.
This one's bullshit.
All these family tree books...
This one just fell apart.
- There's so many - "Mc" and "Mac" names, too.
- Like, how are we supposed - to find anything?
- Dude, I found one right here - in this gibberish book.
- There's a whole section - on McDonald.
- It's not gibberish, - you just can't read, dude.
- Well, uh, well, no, I can - read this. Here, check this out.
"The McDonalds of County Cork
"settled in the Lee Valley
- "-as far back as..." - -Wait, wait, wait,
Wait a second.
This is, like, Irish or Gaelic
- or whatever, whatever they - call it... you can read that?
- Well, if "Gaelic" - or "Irish" is-is what you call
- The magical gibberish language - that my pen pal taught me,
Uh, yes, Mac, I can.
- So you're telling me - that you can't read English,
- But you can speak and read - an entirely different language?
- Uh, I can read it, - I can't speak it.
- How can you read something - you can't speak?
- -It doesn't make any sense. - -I don't know,
- It's the mystery - of the magic, I don't know.
- Plus, you know, - these are Irish words,
- And my mouth is made - for American words naturally...
So your imaginary pen pal was
a real person?
- Yes, dude, that's what I've been - telling you this whole time.
- My mom was, like, really - invested in me having a pen pal
- So she found me this kid, - Shelley Kelly. You know, I...
- I'm sorry, your pen pal's name - was Shelley Kelly?
-Yeah.
maybe you were related?
-Have you ever thought
-Why?
the same last name.
-Because you have
- -He's from Ireland, man! - -Jesus Christ! Okay, look.
Follow me here for a second...
- Your mom was a giant whore, - right?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
- So maybe she banged - her way through Ireland sometime
In the '70s, right?
- And maybe this is, - like, your half brother.
Dude, wait a second.
- Now you're finally making some - sense here, because, like,
- This guy is like - the Irish version of me.
- You know what I mean? - We're into all the same shit.
Um, cheese, ghouls, um...
uh, ghouls, cheese, uh...
Holy shit, man, this is crazy.
- -You know what the problem is? - -Yeah.
- This library's got - too many books.
- -And so what I got to do is... - -You need a phone instead.
-Well, I got to go
-Of?
to the source.
I'm gonna call my mommy.
-(phone rings)
-(TV playing indistinctly)
(grunts)
-Hey, Mommy!
-Who is this?
It's... it's me, Mac.
-Oh.
-Yeah, I'm in Ireland.
(grunting)
I miss you, too.
- -She didn't say that. - -Yes, she did. She did.
- -Nah, she didn't. She did not. - -She totally did. Hey, Mom?
Um, so, anyway, um,
we're in Ireland, and I was
looking for Dad's house,
- but the address - you gave me was wrong,
- And, like, I kind of can't find - the Luther McDonalds anywhere.
Yeah.
What do you mean, "yeah"?
- Do you have any information - on Dad or our heritage?
- -No. - -What do you mean, "no"?
You're not Irish.
-(bell tolls)
-I'm not Irish?
- -Yeah. - -Are you joking?
-Nope.
-My last name is McDonald.
-No.
that Dad changed his last name?
-Are you telling me
- -Yep. - -What's Dad's last name?
Vandross.
Dad's name is Luther Vandross?
- -Are you messing with me? - -No.
- -Are you Irish? - -Uh-uh.
- -What are you? - -Dutch.
- -What's Dad? - -Dutch.
Am I Dutch?!
Yeah.
No, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,
slow down.
Slow down, be serious, Mom,
be serious!
Am I Irish?
No.
- Please-please tell me - th-that's not true.
Please tell me that I'm...
No! No!
You Dutch?
- No, th-th-there's - no way I'm Dutch.
- -There's no way I'm... - -(others shushing)
You shush! You shush!
- FRANK: - Everybody was on the island
That weekend.
Jizzaline...
the-the computer guy
with the little weird glasses?
- He didn't do anything - with the kids.
But he was really
into the manatees.
Which, by the way,
also got very sexual.
- (stammers) - Frank...
- Can you, can you - just stop talking
- About sexual things - with manatees.
- The following year, - he doesn't show up,
The manatee's
all bent out of shape.
Frank, can you please stop?
I-I'm looking for someone
and you're distracting me.
I mean, this manatee was
so depressed,
she actually swam
into a boat propeller.
Boom! Blammo!
Mantacide.
The moral of the story is
the heart wants
what the heart wants.
It was all consensual.
Except for the kids,
thus the shredding.
(groans)
- Wait, oh, Frank, Frank, - I've found her.
-FRANK: Who?
with the perfect
-The perfect woman
head of Irish hair.
What, what the hell,
what the hell is that?
- With the hair thing... what are - you, some kind of freak?
Here's the thing.
I've always noticed that
redheads have a distinct odor.
- (stammers) - A pleasant odor, to be clear.
But, um, a peculiar scent
- that is quite different - than all other hair types.
- And I've always wondered, - like, is that a genetic thing?
- Or is it some sort of mutation - that sprung from generations
Of being away
from the motherland, so...
- I wanted to find a native with - an authentic head of Irish hair.
And this little lass over there
is the perfect specimen.
- -Uh-huh. - -The perfect woman, I mean.
- (stammers) - Woman.
She's the perfect woman.
I'll be back.
(sighs)
Hi, how are you?
Lovely. How are you?
- I'm great, I'm great. - Are you from Ireland?
- (laughs) - How'd you guess?
-(laughs, sniffs)
-Oi!
-Liar!
-What the hell are you doing?
- What the hell are you doing? - You're not Irish.
- Or if you are, - that-that's a wig.
There's no smell at all to you.
- Am I to believe - that you're a natural redhead
And yet there's no odor?
No odor at all?
No, I don't believe you.
Are you okay, hon?
You seem a little nutted.
- Oh, no, I'm fine. - If anyone's nutted, it's you.
- Okay, if "nutted" means - that you're a liar.
- -Have you got a temp check yet? - -What are you talk...?
- Don't-don't point - that thing at me.
Jesus. You have a fever.
Okay, well, if I'm hot,
- it's only because you've - riled me up with your lies.
- My friend and I have traveled a - long way to this country and...
-Is that him?
-Yeah.
- You can't dump - your rubbish in the beer!
That's not rubbish,
it's, uh, shredded documents
- from a sex island, it's... - I'm not gonna explain it
- To you because, uh, - it sounds worse than it is.
You need to leave!
- I'm going to leave. - I want to leave.
- I'm gonna go find - real Irish people,
- Who have odors and don't - make people smell them,
- Only to find out - that they have no odor at all!
That's crazy!
Good day to you.
- Hey, Frank, - we got to go, man, come on.
- We're getting kicked out. - Someone lied and I got angry.
- -Oh. - -(phone ringing)
(groans) Wait a minute.
Hold on a second.
-Hey, Charlie!
-Yo, Frank.
- Hey, man. - Can you come pick us up?
- We got booted out of the library - 'cause Mac's freaking out.
He just found out he's Dutch.
Aw, that's gonna be
a whole thing.
- Oh, dude, - it's a whole thing already.
- He's being super annoying - about it.
- We just got tossed - out of this pub,
- Because Dennis was smelling - somebody's hair.
- You can't smell something - that's got no odor, Frank.
- Oh, really? - (chuckles) Weird.
Hey, look, dude, I found out
- I might have, like, - a half brother or something.
- So maybe we can, like, take this - trip out to the countryside?
- I'd really love - to meet up with this guy.
A brother? That's weird.
Well, the country sounds good.
- I can fold in - my shred-and-spread.
- Oh, you're doing - a shred-and-spread?
- We haven't done - one of those in years, man!
I'm gonna kill myself, Frank.
- He's not really gonna do it, - dude, he's just being dramatic.
-Do it, bitch!
-Yeah, do it, bitch.
- I'm not really gonna do it. - It's just a cry for help.
- Yeah, no shit! Just-just - come pick us up, all right?
All right, all right, goodbye!
- -Wait, let me get this bag... - -Let's go.
- Come on, let's get - this stuff out of here.
- This is ridiculous, man. - What are you doing?
- You're throwing it in a keg, - seriously?
- What, what are you gonna do? - I got to get rid of 'em.
- She has arrived, the obnoxious - American MILF is walking!
The MILF is walking.
-You're two hours late.
-Am I now? Oh, gosh. Well,
- I did get caught up in a little - bit of a shred-and-spread,
- Plus it's hard to tell - with the time difference.
- Um, you can show me - to my trailer now.
- And I'd love a cup of coffee... - Two creams, please?
- -Uh... - -Holy shit.
What?
I am so confused.
Is this more makeup?
(stammers, gasps)
Oh, goddamn! I mean...
Yeah, yeah, it looks
as though the makeup
did redistribute down
into my, my eye area.
I think just a quick touch-up
- from a professional - would do the trick.
- Okay, ma'am, I don't know - what's going on with you,
- -but please leave my set. - -Hmm?
- No, no, no, no... no, come on. - Give me a chance, please.
- I can still be an obnoxious - American mom you'd like to F!
Please, just give me a chance.
- I'm sorry, - we've already recast your part.
You!
Do you two know each other?
-What are you doing here?
- -I asked you first! - -Okay!
- I've just been - backpacking across Europe.
- About an hour ago, - some guy approached me,
- Said I'd be perfect - for an obnoxious American MILF.
Here I am.
- You don't know what you're - doing! You're not even an actor.
- -Neither are you. - -Oh, you bitch!
- -Oh, you dumb bitch! - -Okay.
-Security!
- -Get this woman off my set! - -Don't you start!
- -Security! - -Don't you...
- Come on, man! - Okay, okay, okay, it's fine!
- Okay, it's fine. - Everyone, listen, please.
Please, please, I'm begging you.
- I'm begging you... - I need this so bad!
I need this worse
- than I've ever needed - anything in my entire life.
Please give me a role, any role.
A speaking role.
I'll say anything.
I'll also do anything.
That won't be necessary.
Is it the black eyes, like...?
- Because I don't trade roles - for sex.
- Oh, goddamn feminists - ruin everything.
- -Come on, man. - -Okay, okay, okay.
L-Look, we're
casting for the role
- of "abused wife" for a scene - that shoots tomorrow.
- -Huh? - -It's only one line, but...
- I suppose given - your current face situation...
Yes, I'll take it! I'll nail it!
- I'm gonna be fucking hilarious! - Oh, my God!
- You'll see, - you'll see how funny I am.
- -The role is "abused wife." - -Yeah.
There's nothing funny about it.
Oh, dramatic role.
- Even better. - That's where the awards are.
- Yeah, whatever. Just be here - tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.
- -Okay, yep, yep. No, I won't. - -And don't be late.
- Abused wife! - Is it Abused Wife Number One?
Or... It doesn't matter.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna nail it.
DENNIS:
this driving experience has
Well, gentlemen,
- become much more charming - now that I've
- -switched to driving - on the correct side of the road.
-Huh?
- -(horn honks) - -See, the Irish are
So accommodating.
- They-they don't want to drive - headfirst into a maniac.
-They will simply move
-Uh-huh.
to avoid us.
-Uh-huh.
-(coughing)
Dude, are you sick?
(coughing):
I'm not sick.
I think I'm c-coughing 'cause
of all the European exhaust.
The air is probably thick
with, uh, petrol.
He can't smell nothing.
- -Plus he's got a fever. - -What?
- Do you think you might - have COVID, dude?
I-I don't have COVID, okay?
- -It's probably just, like, - allergies or something.
-(horn honking)
You know? Swerve, asshole!
- Do you want to collide - with an oncoming car?!
(coughing)
Oh, my God, I'm on a call sheet!
That's my name!
I can't believe this!
I'm gonna be an abused wife!
Oh!
This is the greatest day
of my life... oh, shit!
- Got to look right - when you're in Ireland.
- -That would've been stupid... - -(tires screech)
(all shouting)
- -Oh! - -Oh, shit!
- -Oh, G... - -No.
- -That's not good. - -Come on.
-Aw, man!
-Oh, goddamn it, Dee!
Why weren't you looking?
- -Well, she looked right. - -Well, you got
To look both ways.
- I mean, - that's standard shit, man.
- All right, well, don't yell - at her... she's unconscious.
- CHARLIE: All right, you know - what, Frank, give her some stew.
- -I finished the stew. - -All right, uh, maybe
- Breathe your stewy breath - in her face?
Stew and stew breath
have never...
(coughing)
You definitely have COVID, man.
- You're the only one - that didn't get vaccinated.
I'm fine, I'm fine. Now, we
told Dee that we were gonna
- pick her up from her acting gig, - and that's what we're gonna do.
- We're gonna, - we're gonna pick her up.
Pick her up? I mean...
- she's all gangly - and then I'm gonna be crammed
- In the backseat - with an unconscious person.
- Like, is there - anything else we can do?
♪ ♪
(grunting)
- All right, th-this is - just gonna be much better,
- -I think, you know? - -We should've done this
From the very beginning.
-Yeah!
we're finally on vacation.
-Guys, I think
♪ Hey! ♪
(trio chanting backwards)
- Captioned by - Media Access Group at WGBH
Access.wgbh.org