1
00:00:00,868 --> 00:00:01,667
(gasps)
No.
2
00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:03,702
(laughing)
3
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:06,405
(grunts)
4
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,510
(thuds)
(groans)
5
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,480
Man Seeking Woman.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:30.
6
00:00:14,482 --> 00:00:15,748
On FXX.
7
00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:21,453
FXX presents It's Always
Sunny in Philadelphia.
8
00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:27,326
DENNIS: Okay, gather round,
everybody, gather round.
9
00:00:27,328 --> 00:00:28,694
Gather round, please.
10
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:30,496
Yeah, I-I have
a, uh, a presentation.
11
00:00:30,498 --> 00:00:32,331
Now, because of everyone's
A.D.D., I know I'm gonna
12
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:33,899
lose your attention in
about three minutes,
13
00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:35,467
and, uh, Frank's gonna fall asleep.
FRANK: No way.
14
00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:37,970
I slept 26 hours last night.
15
00:00:37,972 --> 00:00:40,372
You still seem very sleepy.
Can I start my presentation?
16
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,841
Where's the easel? No, no, I'm not
using an easel... don't interrupt.
17
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:44,910
You want me to go get the projector?
No, I don't want the projector.
18
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,745
And I don't want the easel.
What are you gonna point with?
19
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,247
Don't want whatever the
hell you're gonna say.
20
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:50,082
'Cause it's all gonna be old
and outdated, all right?
21
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:51,850
Let me start my presentation,
which is actually about that.
22
00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:53,052
It's about innovation.
23
00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:55,220
Not taking questions.
Goddamn.
24
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:57,156
Let me do my thing, okay?
Stop interrupting.
25
00:00:57,158 --> 00:01:01,060
Okay, so, um, as we all know,
um, tomorrow is St. Paddy's Day,
26
00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:02,828
traditionally our
most profitable day.
27
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:06,198
However, recently, profits
have been declining.
28
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,767
Every year.
And we need to change.
29
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,402
We need innovation.
30
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,071
We need to move Paddy's
from the past and into...
31
00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:15,074
the future,
a mobile Paddy wagon.
32
00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:16,842
Now, these days, people like
to have things on demand.
33
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,244
So instead of having
to go to a bar,
34
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:22,014
we will bring the bar to you.
35
00:01:22,016 --> 00:01:24,416
Ooh, is that, like, a car
service type of thing?
36
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,418
Where we pick people up and
take 'em around from bar to bar
37
00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:27,920
and jack up the prices?
38
00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:29,721
That's actually a really good idea.
Uh, no.
39
00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,723
The Paddy's wagon is the bar.
40
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,125
MAC: No, Dennis.
41
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:34,526
If we want to make money,
42
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,428
we need to honor ancient
Irish traditions,
43
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:39,264
like serving an irresponsible
amount of booze to people
44
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,233
who are genetically predisposed
to having alcohol problems.
45
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:42,568
CHARLIE: Right.
MAC: You see,
46
00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:43,936
St. Patrick started
that tradition,
47
00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:45,404
and that's why we
celebrate him today.
48
00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:46,805
Yeah... No, that's
not what he did.
49
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,774
No, he-he played
the flute for some kids,
50
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,609
and then he lured them
into a cave somewhere,
51
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,211
and he diddled them.
FRANK: Nah.
52
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,780
You got him mixed up with
the Pied Piper. Right.
53
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:57,082
FRANK: St. Patrick didn't
play the flute.
54
00:01:57,084 --> 00:01:58,917
He drove the kids
out of Ireland.
55
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:00,319
And then he molested 'em.
56
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,454
No, no, if-if St. Patrick
molested kids,
57
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,223
he would be regarded as a scoundrel.
No, no, no.
58
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,625
I feel like, in the olden days
of the Catholic Church,
59
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,594
pedophiles were
regarded as heroes.
60
00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:10,062
All right, all right,
look, g-guys, uh,
61
00:02:10,064 --> 00:02:11,797
St. Patrick didn't do
any of that shit, okay?
62
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:12,931
He drove the snakes
out of Ireland.
63
00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:14,333
Uh, I-I don't know
about all this.
64
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:15,634
I kind of want to just do
the traditional thing
65
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,136
of, like, sticking
around the bar
66
00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:18,770
and-and trying to catch
the leprechaun. No, no!
67
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,439
No, we don't want to do
the leprechaun thing again.
68
00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:22,441
Stop, stop, guys...
I'm gonna catch one.
69
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,109
I'm, like, this close.
You're not gonna catch him
70
00:02:24,111 --> 00:02:25,844
because he doesn't exist.
Guys, please, just, plea...
71
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,246
Dude, you know what...
I don't even know
72
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,747
if I've set up
my glue traps for him yet.
73
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,082
Charlie, enough
with the leprechaun!
74
00:02:30,084 --> 00:02:31,650
I mean, can you believe him?
Okay, wait.
75
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,119
Who cares? Look, I'm trying to...
You know what,
76
00:02:34,121 --> 00:02:35,988
actually... I might
want to get myself a flute.
77
00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,689
I was thinking the same thing.
We've been talking... you were?
78
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,458
Yeah, because I-I feel like
it's a really fun...
79
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:41,160
DEE: I know we're kind of old, but...
You're gonna go get a flute?
80
00:02:41,162 --> 00:02:42,494
Go get a flute, yeah.
Go get... go get a flute!
81
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,096
Everybody go get a flute!
82
00:02:44,098 --> 00:02:46,198
DEE: ...in the sixth grade,
I feel like it's kind of simple.
83
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,833
Frank, look...
84
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,935
All right, let me
explain it to you, at least.
85
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:51,170
(snoring)
No, he's gone.
86
00:02:51,172 --> 00:02:53,238
Okay.
87
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:21,300
So, Frank... here's the plan.
88
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:24,169
We're gonna fill the wagon
with hip, attractive clientele.
89
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:26,071
We're gonna use my streamlined
system to process drink orders.
90
00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:27,539
We're gonna take photographs
with a retro filter
91
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,007
for the Web site.
92
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:30,876
And that will entice
future end users
93
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:32,878
to comment
and spread brand awareness
94
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,180
over various
social media platforms.
95
00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:36,848
That seems insanely complicated.
96
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:38,850
Why don't we just take cash?
97
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,219
No, no, no, no. What I'm talking
about's way simpler than cash.
98
00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:42,087
It's-it's streamlined.
99
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:44,323
I'm lost. It's... I'm
trying to explain it to you
100
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:46,191
and I feel like you're not
even listening. I-I...
101
00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:48,260
(Irish brogue): Top o' the
morning, you filthy lads.
102
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:52,197
I'm fixing to have a whale of
a time in this here mobile pub.
103
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:53,532
I'm so sorry... what is this?
104
00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:56,168
Crazy Paddy, you big, dumb arse.
105
00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:57,869
(laughs)
Yeah. Why?
106
00:03:57,871 --> 00:04:00,072
'Cause it's fun.
No.
107
00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:02,040
I thought that's the thing
about St. Patrick's Day...
108
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:03,842
People want clownery and-and
they want to embrace
109
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,777
the Irish stereotypes. No, no, no.
This isn't innovative.
110
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:08,614
It's outdated and it's gonna
offend people.
111
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:11,016
Well, I brought my piece in case
anybody gets out of line. Oh, I...
112
00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:12,684
Okay, Frank, Frank,
look... no guns.
113
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,586
Let go.
No guns, no costumes.
114
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,622
Okay, trust me, I got this.
115
00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:18,423
Frank, you're gonna drive.
Drive.
116
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:19,791
Okay, Dee, you're
gonna serve drinks. In the back.
117
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:21,760
As a human being.
A real one.
118
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,061
Mm.
Guys,
119
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,062
I'm gonna provide...
120
00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:25,230
the experience.
121
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:27,799
(Irish jig plays)
BOTH: Ooh.
122
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:28,967
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, right?
123
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:30,569
Yeah, I like this. Nice.
124
00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:32,704
I... See, I told you.
I know what I'm doing.
125
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,139
Come on, let's go.
126
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,574
Frank, you're driving.
127
00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:38,110
Okay. Here we go.
(engine starts)
128
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:45,450
Ho! Check it out, Mac,
got some cool stuff.
129
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:48,120
I got some green paint
and I found a snake.
130
00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:50,622
Great. Why?
131
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,591
You know, the snakes, 'cause,
like, we... I don't remember
132
00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:54,493
where we landed on St. Paddy,
but I remember snakes
133
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,795
were involved. And the green
paint's for the, uh, beer.
134
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:58,997
Okay, love the snake.
Great catch there.
135
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:01,099
But why not just use food
coloring for the beer?
136
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,467
Uh, 'cause beer's not a food.
137
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:04,236
When was the last time
you ate a beer?
138
00:05:04,238 --> 00:05:05,904
When was the last time
you drank paint?
139
00:05:08,575 --> 00:05:09,735
Have you been drinking paint?
140
00:05:11,578 --> 00:05:12,911
No.
141
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:14,446
Let me see your tongue.
142
00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:16,615
Oh, my God, dude!
143
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:19,785
Oh, that shit's just disgusting!
It's not bad.
144
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:22,087
You... you can't drink paint. I know.
I hear you, I hear you.
145
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,989
You say that, but I don't think
that you're gonna stop.
146
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,124
Yeah, I get it, though, man.
It's, uh... Right.
147
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:28,427
I-I feel like you're saying you
get it, but you don't get it.
148
00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:29,995
It's cool.
It's not cool.
149
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,263
It is what it is.
Oh, my God,
150
00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:32,631
this is so frustrating!
Look,
151
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:34,099
I'm gonna go down
to the basement
152
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:36,268
and I'm gonna check
out my glue traps
153
00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:37,769
and see if I, you know, got a leprechaun
in there. Wait, no, no, no, no.
154
00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:40,339
What... We said
no leprechaun this year.
155
00:05:40,341 --> 00:05:42,040
You're not chasing leprechauns.
156
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,975
I know, and I kind of forgot
where we landed on that.
157
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:46,278
I got these great cookie sheets,
they're filled with glue, so...
158
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,313
But I-I hear you,
I hear you.
159
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:50,048
It's a frustrating thing.
It's like the guy doesn't
160
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,017
listen to us, man, when we're
trying to get through to him.
161
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,585
It's a bummer.
162
00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:59,358
No, not you.
Keep moving, let's go,
163
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,360
come on.
You kidding me?
164
00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:05,063
Oh, oh, h-hey-hey,
there, fellas.
165
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,832
What's going on?
Where you going? You know what?
166
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:09,034
Don't answer that.
Because I already know.
167
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,736
You're going for a ride
in the Paddy's Wagon.
168
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:13,205
Oh, cool. Is this,
like, a car service thing?
169
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:14,906
Hey, can you take us
to Center City?
170
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:17,175
No, it's not a goddamn car
service. Why does everyone...
171
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,411
(Irish brogue): You get in that
wagon right now or I'm gonna
172
00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:21,413
sock you a good one
right in the kisser!
173
00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:23,548
(forced laugh)
Yeah, you dumb bi...
174
00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,851
What the hell are you doing?
Uh, just innovating.
175
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,519
I took the Paddy's wig
and I cut it
176
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:29,421
into an awesome beard.
Great new character. No.
177
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:30,589
Hilarious.
You've just created another
178
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,257
offensive Irish stereotype, Dee.
179
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:34,226
The Fighting Irish...
I-it's true.
180
00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:35,427
I mean, that's what Irish people do.
That is not what...
181
00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:37,095
They get drunk,
they fight people.
182
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,196
All right, I'm trying to give
these guys... Look, guys,
183
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,564
don't pay attention to her.
184
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:41,032
I-I want to give you
an authentic, um, uh,
185
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,768
once-in-a-lifetime
experience here.
186
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,003
Oh. Oh, wait, so is
this, like, a bang bus?
187
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,105
No, no, no, no, no.
It's not a bang bus, okay?
188
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:48,607
Look... Just get in the wagon,
189
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,375
I'll give you a ride
to Center City.
190
00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:51,977
Get in.
191
00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:57,249
DENNIS:
Gentlemen,
192
00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:59,451
let me walk you through how
our simple business works.
193
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,952
God, take it easy, Frank!
194
00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:03,221
Don't tell me
how to drive, you bitch.
195
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:05,791
Let... Let's keep it light for
the customers, all right, Frank?
196
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:08,193
As I was saying, fellas,
uh, what you're gonna
197
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,561
need to do is you,
uh, you're gonna
198
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:10,896
take a picture of this QR code,
199
00:07:10,898 --> 00:07:12,464
you're gonna download the app,
200
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,466
log in using Facebook,
and you're gonna watch
201
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:16,568
a-a brief, 30-second
advertisement.
202
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,870
And then once we receive
your online order,
203
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,439
you will promptly
be served a beer.
204
00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:22,974
Can't I just pay you cash?
That's what I... Yeah.
205
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:24,242
Well, no, cash is the way
206
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:25,610
that antiquated
companies do business.
207
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:27,045
Yeah, I just want a beer.
I don't really
208
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:28,447
want you to have
all my personal information.
209
00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:29,781
"A beer.
Just want a beer.
210
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,116
Don't want you
to have my..."
211
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,651
(Dee and Dennis laugh)
Yeah.
212
00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,252
Look, man, um, if I
just gave you a beer
213
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,654
and you just gave me cash,
214
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,122
then you wouldn't
be able to experience
215
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,757
everything that we've
got to offer here, okay?
216
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:41,293
Look, I'll show you. This...
Let me just pull up my...
217
00:07:41,295 --> 00:07:43,295
I got a little presentation
here that I put together.
218
00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:46,097
But, uh, can't get the goddamn
thing to... to go online.
219
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:48,133
I don't have a signal here.
Goddamn it. You know what?
220
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,435
Dee, uh, why don't you just
give 'em a couple free beers?
221
00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:51,937
We'll-we'll call
'em "freemiums."
222
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,772
Don't know if you're
familiar with that term.
223
00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:56,675
This is like all foam.
Dee, you goddamn bitch!
224
00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:58,243
Hey! Oh, this thing's
bouncing around
225
00:07:58,245 --> 00:07:59,744
like a pinball.
Don't blame me.
226
00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:01,179
FRANK: Keep it light,
you bitch!
227
00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:02,848
All right.
Yeah, this is weird.
228
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,649
Can we just get out here?
229
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:07,486
Hey, it's locked.
Can you guys let us out?
230
00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:11,156
No, I'm not gonna let you out. Screw this.
I'm calling the cops.
231
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,158
Yeah, call the cops. Why would you call
the cops? We're just hanging out, man!
232
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,693
All right, stop, stop, stop.
233
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,495
All right, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh. Push "end." End.
234
00:08:16,497 --> 00:08:19,531
(phone chimes) Give the
phones to the girl.
235
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,800
Let's go, guys. I don't want
to have to do this shit.
236
00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:24,436
Frank, we got to
pivot the business.
237
00:08:24,438 --> 00:08:26,371
FRANK:
Mm-hmm.
238
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:27,706
Come on, get the hell out.
Everybody out.
239
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,341
Out, out, out, out,
out, out, out, out.
240
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,209
All right.
(clears throat)
241
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,978
Don't worry. We're gonna mail
your phones back to you, but
242
00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:35,547
we're gonna need your addresses,
so fork over your I.D.s.
243
00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:37,182
Let's go. Come on.
And their money.
244
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,617
We can't have 'em
cabbing it back to the city
245
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,151
and going straight to the cops.
246
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,820
(sighs) Goddamn it.
That's a good point.
247
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,622
Okay, you know what?
Dee, collect their wallets.
248
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:44,890
Don't worry, guys.
We're not thieves.
249
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:46,291
You'll get your
wallets back, too.
250
00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:48,660
Yeah. Don't be babies.
All right, uh,
251
00:08:48,662 --> 00:08:50,061
come on, come on, guys,
let's go, let's go.
252
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:51,783
Let's go.
Shut the doors.
253
00:08:57,404 --> 00:09:00,171
Did we just kidnap
and rob those guys?
254
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:02,240
We just drove the
snakes out of Philly,
255
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:03,842
the way St. Patrick did.
256
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,410
Oh!
257
00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:06,645
So, what you're saying is,
258
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:08,413
technically, we gave those guys
259
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:10,649
a very authentic
St. Paddy's Day experience.
260
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,050
Oh.
Yeah.
261
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,652
Nice.
In a way.
262
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,153
Oh. All right.
263
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,055
That's good. That's good. Yeah.
264
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:26,064
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Here.
265
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,767
Jesus Christ, where's Charlie?
266
00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:32,537
Hey, Mac, somebody stole
my damn wallet. What?!
267
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:34,406
Beat it! Beat it, Mauricio!
I need to talk to Mac.
268
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:35,874
Charlie, where have
you been, dude?
269
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,609
I can't run the bar by myself
and do security.
270
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:39,010
People are getting
their wallets stolen.
271
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:40,512
Okay, uh, look, just come
272
00:09:40,514 --> 00:09:42,280
to the basement with me,
like, really quick.
273
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,548
Goddamn it! All right.
274
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:44,549
Attention, everybody.
275
00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:45,951
Irish honor system.
276
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,852
Please serve yourselves.
277
00:09:47,854 --> 00:09:50,689
Put the money in the bucket.
Thank you. (cheering)
278
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:52,891
Uh, I don't think the Irish
honor system's a thing, man.
279
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,059
Oh, it's a thing.
280
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:54,926
It's an ancient Irish tradition.
281
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:56,227
Know your history, bro.
282
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:58,189
What could possibly
be so important?
283
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:01,566
Charlie...
284
00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:03,535
what the hell am I looking at?
285
00:10:03,537 --> 00:10:05,370
(groaning and muttering)
286
00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:06,972
CHARLIE: I caught him.
287
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:08,974
I caught that son of a bitch.
288
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:10,308
Dude, I think you've
kidnapped a little person.
289
00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:11,943
Huh?
290
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:14,279
Nah... nah, nah.
First of all,
291
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,880
I've captured
a leprechaun, okay?
292
00:10:15,882 --> 00:10:17,782
You wouldn't say,
"I kidnapped Bigfoot," right?
293
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,484
You'd say,
"I captured Bigfoot."
294
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:21,886
Well, that may be true,
but leprechauns aren't real.
295
00:10:21,888 --> 00:10:23,421
So what we're dealing with here
296
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:24,990
is a little person
in a glue trap.
297
00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,491
Yeah, I thought about that,
ruled it out, okay?
298
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:27,993
'Cause the basement door
was locked, so unless
299
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,661
he's a being
who's unrestrained by the laws
300
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:31,630
of the physical world,
he's not getting down here, man.
301
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,098
Dude, if he is a human being,
302
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,933
he is going to sue
the shit out of us.
303
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:36,768
If he's a leprechaun,
he's got a pot of gold.
304
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:37,969
Yeah...
305
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,337
Well, yeah, that's...
306
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:40,572
Well, let's not rule
one out over the other.
307
00:10:40,574 --> 00:10:41,973
I mean, it's very weird
308
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,241
that he's down here, right?
309
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:44,843
MAC:
Okay. Let's ask him.
310
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:48,580
Uh, sir, I'm gonna ask
you a direct question.
311
00:10:48,582 --> 00:10:52,484
Are you now or have you
ever been a leprechaun?
312
00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:54,986
No, I'm not
a goddamn leprechaun!
313
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,655
Please... It was
pretty convincing.
314
00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:58,423
Are you kidding me?
315
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,525
If he's a leprechaun, that's
what he has to say, right?
316
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:03,862
Sir, why are you dressed
like a leprechaun?
317
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:06,297
'Cause it's St. Paddy's Day,
you idiots!
318
00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:08,933
This guy's good. He's good.
Yeah.
319
00:11:08,935 --> 00:11:10,135
Nasty little son of a bitch,
isn't he? You think?
320
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,037
There's, like,
a real bite to him.
321
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,105
I know. You know what
I think we should do?
322
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,807
We just rough him
up a little bit.
323
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:17,442
You know, just get the truth
out of him, just a little bit.
324
00:11:17,444 --> 00:11:19,544
It's a great idea.
325
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,479
We don't want to bruise him up.
Yeah.
326
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:24,049
You know, so, I just wish we
had, like, a hose or something.
327
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,617
Yeah. You know, we could
blast the truth out of him.
328
00:11:25,619 --> 00:11:27,552
Right?
That'd be good...
329
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:30,055
Oh, shit.
There's a hose right here.
330
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:35,126
I... I don't ever remember
a hose being down here, do you?
331
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,961
No. I don't know.
Dude...
332
00:11:36,963 --> 00:11:38,530
do you realize
what just happened?
333
00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:41,166
You made a wish, which
the leprechaun clearly granted.
334
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:42,400
You know, everyone knows,
you capture a leprechaun,
335
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:44,169
you get three wishes, right?
336
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:46,371
So we got to think very carefully
what our next two are here.
337
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,540
I wish I could live forever?
What are you doing?!
338
00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:50,241
I wish you don't. How about that?
No, no! Why did you do that?
339
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:51,409
Why did you do that?
Why didn't you say,
340
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,311
"I wish I could live forever"?
341
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,146
And live forever with you?!
Well...
342
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,748
Look, I'm not a leprechaun!
343
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,883
Just let me out of here,
you dickheads!
344
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,318
Ah. Wish there was a way
345
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:01,720
we could just know
for sure, you know.
346
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:03,822
Charlie?
347
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:06,858
Get the snake.
348
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:10,028
DENNIS: You know what
the problem was, Frank?
349
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:13,098
That last group of belligerent
hooligans just didn't understand
350
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,566
how to experience
our business properly,
351
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,935
but I think this new group
is gonna get it.
352
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:20,405
Plus, they're physically weaker,
353
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:22,407
in case anything goes wrong.
354
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,042
What's happening?
355
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:26,077
(with Irish brogue):
I'll tell ya what's happenin'.
356
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,079
One day you're young and pretty,
357
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,749
and the next, the years
of drinking and abuse
358
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:32,884
have robbed you of your youth.
359
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,353
Abuse? Did these
guys hurt you?
360
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,454
No!
361
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,623
Me husband did this to me.
362
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,558
Arr!
363
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:41,726
Dee...
Mm?
364
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:43,061
What the hell are you doing?
365
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,462
What are you...?
What, are you a pirate?
366
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:45,797
I can't tell if you're
doing a thing now,
367
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:46,898
or if this is just
who you've become.
368
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:47,966
(normal voice):
I'm giving them
369
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:49,367
an authentic Irish experience,
370
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:50,902
like you were begging for
before...
371
00:12:50,904 --> 00:12:52,470
You're giving them a
completely inauthentic,
372
00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:54,105
frightening experience,
and you're scaring them.
373
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,241
Okay, listen, ladies,
nobody's gonna get hurt.
374
00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:57,475
Will you just let us out,
please?
375
00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:58,877
Well, no.
376
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:00,278
No, I'm not gonna let you out.
377
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,746
I need you to
experience everything.
378
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:03,148
I-I have to offer,
okay, so you're...
379
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:04,716
Rahr!
So, experience... Dee!
380
00:13:04,718 --> 00:13:06,551
Shut up!
381
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:10,054
All right, look, we're gonna
have a good time here, okay?
382
00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:11,756
You're experiencing some
free beers right now
383
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:13,458
because I can't get the
goddamn Internet to work.
384
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,560
That's a problem for me.
Do you guys know how to use
385
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:17,328
tablet computers? You're young.
No.
386
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:18,930
I just want to connect the
goddamn thing to the Internet.
387
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,231
They told me it'd be easy.
It's not, though.
388
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:22,000
Okay. Well, I'll
tell you what.
389
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:24,335
I'll let you out after I take
a couple photographs of you.
390
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:25,970
How's that sound? Yeah?
Take some photographs
391
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:28,673
for my... for my Web site?
So, look happy.
392
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:30,642
Look like you're having fun.
No need to cover those up.
393
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,110
My customers like those.
They're like me.
394
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:34,145
They're gonna want to see that.
395
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,647
Yeah, okay, so smiling,
smiling, and...
396
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:37,615
(camera shutter clicking,
women crying)
397
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:38,950
You're not convincing me.
Smile!
398
00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:40,318
(sobbing)
Goddamn!
399
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,753
This is not
supposed to be scary.
400
00:13:41,755 --> 00:13:43,822
This is supposed to be an
authentic, fun time for you.
401
00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:46,257
(camera shutter clicking, women
crying) Yeah, all right, well,
402
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,692
I need to buy it, okay?
403
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,327
I'm...
Please let us out.
404
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,362
I don't want to be on
your weird Web site. Shh.
405
00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:53,264
Well, if you don't comply with
me, then you're gonna end up
406
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:55,433
on the weird one, okay?
So, smile.
407
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:57,802
(crying)
Ugh! All right.
408
00:13:57,804 --> 00:13:59,037
You know what?
This isn't gonna work.
409
00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,805
All right, come on, come on.
410
00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,273
Let's go. Come on.
411
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:04,442
All right, out you go, ladies.
Out you go.
412
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:06,010
I know you didn't
threaten to call the cops,
413
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:07,512
but you would have...
I'm certain of it...
414
00:14:07,514 --> 00:14:08,880
So I'm gonna need
your wallets and your phones.
415
00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:10,648
Give 'em to the girl.
416
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:12,817
Oh, yeah, I'm probably gonna
pop on your Twitter accounts,
417
00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:15,353
just so you know. Write us some,
uh, enthusiastic reviews,
418
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:16,788
which you would have done,
as well,
419
00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:18,189
had you experienced
our business properly,
420
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:19,557
but you decided to be...
421
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,693
(sighs)
All right, well...
422
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:24,195
(tires screech)
423
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:29,200
Talk, bitch! I'm blasting you! Come on!
Talk! Come on, leprechaun!
424
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,202
Come on, leprechaun, admit it!
Where's the gold?!
425
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,071
Aw, what's the point, dude?
There's no water pressure.
426
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,006
I feel like I'm giving him a baby bath.
Yeah, I know.
427
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:36,507
Snake's not working either, man.
428
00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:38,343
Well, that's
because the snake is dead.
429
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:40,078
Because you put it in a plastic
bag and it couldn't breathe.
430
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,346
All right, doesn't matter.
He probably killed it
431
00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:43,381
with his leprechaun
magic, anyway.
432
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,750
I'm not a leprechaun,
you goddamn assholes!
433
00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:47,752
Yeah, yeah, guy. How are we
gonna get his pot of gold
434
00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:50,054
if he won't even admit to us
that he's a leprechaun?
435
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,823
I mean, if this guy would
just admit he was a leprechaun,
436
00:14:51,825 --> 00:14:53,157
we could be done with this whole mess.
Well, yeah.
437
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:55,159
Of course.
Okay, fine, you got me.
438
00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:57,095
I'm a leprechaun.
I admit it.
439
00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:58,997
What?
440
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,832
God... I am a... I'm a...
441
00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:03,501
damn... a... I'm a leprechaun.
442
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:05,536
Yeah, right, but you don't
have the accent, That's...
443
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:07,772
and that's throwing me off, right?
It's throwing me off.
444
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:11,209
(Irish brogue):
I live in a faraway land,
445
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:16,547
and I was transported here
by a giant magical rainbow.
446
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:19,517
And you never got me
Lucky Charms.
447
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:21,920
(laughing): Oh! That's it!
That's it!
448
00:15:21,922 --> 00:15:25,123
You were right! Dude! You caught a
leprechaun! I told you, man! I knew it!
449
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:26,791
Hey, can you let me go now?
450
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:28,393
No, you can't go. You know...
No. No.
451
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,261
We need your pot of gold.
Where is it? Yeah.
452
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:33,932
It's at the bottom
of the rainbow.
453
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:36,267
Hmm. Must be some sort
of leprechaun riddle,
454
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,269
'cause there's no
rainbows out today.
455
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:41,806
No, dude... I don't think
this guy's talking in metaphors.
456
00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:44,309
I think he means exactly
what he's saying. Yeah?
457
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:45,977
Dude, he's talking
about that gay bar
458
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:47,745
down on Locust Street...
The Rainbow.
459
00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:49,314
You know which one I'm
talking about, right? No.
460
00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:51,149
Right. I'm gonna go
check it out, alone.
461
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:52,450
Why?
462
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,785
Well, because you'll be here.
463
00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:55,386
And if, uh, the gang comes back,
464
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:58,456
they'll also be here,
and I'll be there, alone.
465
00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,457
Right.
466
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,326
But you'll be here.
467
00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:02,327
Great.
Great.
468
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,462
All right, you go do that,
Okay. Yeah.
469
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,230
And, uh, remember, you're there
to look for a pot of gold.
470
00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:08,266
Okay. Alone.
471
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:09,600
Yeah. You'll be there, alone.
472
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:11,502
Okay!
Got it.
473
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:15,340
All right, well, that
just leaves you and me, and, uh,
474
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:18,609
we both know there's no pot
of gold at that gay bar.
475
00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:20,979
So the question is...
476
00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:25,183
what to do with the little liar.
477
00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:33,091
We haven't made
a goddamn penny today.
478
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,993
We actually lost money,
479
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:37,495
with all the gas we burned
going back and forth.
480
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,497
Yeah, well, it's not my fault.
The business model's flawless.
481
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,265
If you knew how to drive
and you knew how to serve
482
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,601
a goddamn beer, we wouldn't
be in this mess.
483
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,970
(sighs)
Hmm.
484
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:48,373
All right. (grunts) Mmm.
485
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:51,376
Okay, everybody out.
Get out. Let's go. Come on.
486
00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,611
Go, go, go, go, go. You guys
are in the wrong demographic.
487
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:54,946
Where have you taken us?
488
00:16:54,948 --> 00:16:57,348
Right. Yeah, I guess, uh,
489
00:16:57,350 --> 00:17:00,318
we got so used to our routine of
picking people up and dropping
490
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,487
'em off outside of town
that we never even tried
491
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:05,623
to sell you people beer, did we?
(laughs) They're too old, anyway.
492
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,658
Who's gonna watch 'em on a Web site?
That's true.
493
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:10,061
Yeah, you guys are a little too old
for our, uh... (woman shrieks)
494
00:17:10,063 --> 00:17:13,431
So... Wallets and phones.
You know the drill.
495
00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:18,536
I don't know why we don't
just do the car service thing.
496
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:21,305
People seem to be really needing
rides all over the town.
497
00:17:21,307 --> 00:17:24,008
No, you know, that idea may work.
You think so?
498
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:26,044
Thank you.
You're welcome.
499
00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:29,047
Oh. B-But before we
pivot to that one,
500
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,382
um, Deandra,
you mind, uh, jumpin' out
501
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,052
to see about the gas cap?
I think I left it off.
502
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:36,694
Yeah. (tires screeching) Oop.
503
00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:42,427
Oh! Hey!
504
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:44,495
Oh, goddamn!
505
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,330
Goddamn it...!
506
00:17:46,332 --> 00:17:48,332
(groans)
507
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:51,436
What you did there, Frank, that was...
very funny. Yeah. That bitch
508
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,504
was dragging us down.
Yeah.
509
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,339
She was driving me crazy, man.
Oh.
510
00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:57,909
Oh... shit.
What?
511
00:17:57,911 --> 00:17:59,377
She didn't put the gas cap on.
512
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:02,080
Oh, is it open for real?
Big-time.
513
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:03,514
Oh, shit. Yeah, let me
grab that real quick.
514
00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:05,836
I got it.
(grunts)
515
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,719
No, no, no, no, n...
Aw, goddamn!
516
00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:11,189
(groans)
517
00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:22,667
(sighs)
518
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:31,275
I can't believe Uber jacks up their
prices just because it's a holiday.
519
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,877
That's unbelie... It's a scam.
520
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:34,378
We should have been doing
that the entire time.
521
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:36,447
Are you kidding me?
That was my whole idea.
522
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,449
Dee, stop trying to take
credit for everything. Wait,
523
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:39,884
what is going on in here?
Weren't Mac and Charlie
524
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:42,286
taking care of the bar?
Yeah, they were.
525
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:45,056
Why is the bar empty?
FRANK: It ain't empty.
526
00:18:45,058 --> 00:18:48,292
What are you doing back here,
you piece of shit?
527
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:51,095
It's a long story.
The business hit a wall,
528
00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:54,165
went up in smoke,
and then went under.
529
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:56,067
Why are you speaking
in metaphors?
530
00:18:56,069 --> 00:18:57,935
It ain't a metaphor.
I fell asleep,
531
00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:01,405
crashed into a wall,
the engine burst into flames,
532
00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:03,407
and I had to drive it into a river.
Right.
533
00:19:03,409 --> 00:19:05,409
(music playing in distance)
(muffled shouting)
534
00:19:05,411 --> 00:19:07,011
What the hell is that?
535
00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:08,946
♪ To keep this smile
from my face ♪
536
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:10,681
♪ Losing control, yeah ♪
537
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:13,818
♪ I'm all over the place ♪
538
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:17,121
♪ Clowns to the left of me,
jokers to the right ♪
539
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:19,323
♪ Here I am, stuck in
the middle with you... ♪
540
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:22,326
Well, you may be a man.
541
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:24,162
You may be a leprechaun.
542
00:19:24,164 --> 00:19:26,764
But only one thing's for sure:
543
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,299
You're in the wrong basement.
544
00:19:28,301 --> 00:19:30,134
(muffled):
Goddamn it! No!
545
00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:33,504
I'm gonna see if you bleed green.
No! No! No, no, no!
546
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,773
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie, Charlie,
what the hell is... Whoa, whoa. Hey!
547
00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,608
What are you doing?
548
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:40,111
(music stops) What does
it look like I'm doing?
549
00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:41,846
It looks like you've tied
a little person to a chair
550
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,648
and you're gonna torture him.
551
00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:46,050
(chuckles) No, I've tied
a leprechaun to a chair,
552
00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:49,053
and, uh, yeah,
I was gonna cut him to pieces.
553
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:51,656
Charlie...
554
00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:52,990
you been drinking
straight paint?
555
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:54,325
Yeah.
556
00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:55,560
MAC: Charlie, he's
not a leprechaun!
557
00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:57,028
Do not hurt him!
I repeat:
558
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,363
He is not a leprechaun!
Oh, hey.
559
00:19:59,365 --> 00:20:01,899
What is this?
Why are you covered in glitter?
560
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:03,401
I would love to answer
all of your questions,
561
00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:05,236
but there is no time.
562
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,672
You see, I went to the Rainbow
to look for a pot of gold.
563
00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:08,806
The gay bar?
Oh.
564
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,208
Again, no questions.
565
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,642
And when I got back,
566
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:14,645
I found this bag...
full of wallets,
567
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,380
hidden where we keep the towels.
568
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,481
Why did you need towels?
569
00:20:17,483 --> 00:20:19,483
Not answering questions, okay?
570
00:20:19,485 --> 00:20:23,154
Because apparently this son
of a bitch is a pickpocket.
571
00:20:23,156 --> 00:20:25,022
That's why he's been
lurking around Paddy's.
572
00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:27,858
Oh! Well, that makes a lot
of sense, 'cause he kept saying,
573
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:30,061
like, "I'm a pickpocket. I'm
a pickpocket. Stop hurting me."
574
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,729
"I'm not a leprechaun." And
I just thought that was, like,
575
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,498
a metaphor for, you know,
"I-I am a leprechaun."
576
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,100
This little son of a bitch
has been picking pockets
577
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:37,602
at our bar
every St. Paddy's Day
578
00:20:37,604 --> 00:20:39,170
for years. FRANK: Well,
we got a whole bag
579
00:20:39,172 --> 00:20:41,606
full of wallets and phones, too.
580
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:44,442
You did? That's good. Because the
bar did not do so great. Yeah.
581
00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:46,877
Turns out the Irish honor
system, that's not a thing.
582
00:20:46,879 --> 00:20:48,346
Yeah, we were gonna
actually return the wallets
583
00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:49,580
that we got, but, uh, Yeah.
584
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,048
Since no one seems to be...
585
00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:52,516
being honorable, uh,
maybe we keep our wallets
586
00:20:52,518 --> 00:20:54,118
and those and, you know, Yeah.
587
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,754
Chalk it up as a win. Yeah.
Oh, the luck of the Irish.
588
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,956
(chuckling) Let's not make
it a tradition, though.
589
00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:00,958
Sure. Yeah, probably
better not to.
590
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:04,929
All right, well, what do we do
with this piece of shit?
591
00:21:10,737 --> 00:21:13,170
(tires screech)
592
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:19,944
(distorted laughter)
593
00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:25,716
Oh, shit, that leprechaun
just flew up a rainbow!
594
00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:28,286
Stop drinking paint, Charlie.
595
00:21:28,288 --> 00:21:30,354
Huh.
596
00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:07,925
(trumpet playing off-key)
597
00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:09,360
Brown.
598
00:22:13,266 --> 00:22:16,400
♪ (electronic)
599
00:22:17,270 --> 00:22:19,203
♪ (theme)
600
00:22:19,205 --> 00:22:20,471
(sound rewinds)
601
00:22:20,473 --> 00:22:22,707
♪ (electronic dance)
602
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,380
(grunting)
603
00:22:29,382 --> 00:22:32,783
Man Seeking Woman.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:30.
604
00:22:32,785 --> 00:22:34,218
On FXX.
605
00:22:35,388 --> 00:22:37,021
(squeaking)
606
00:22:38,358 --> 00:22:40,558
(squeaking continues)
607
00:22:46,199 --> 00:22:48,099
It's a kitty cat.
608
00:22:51,003 --> 00:22:53,871
Baskets. All new,
Thursdays at 10:00.
609
00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:55,272
Only on FX.
610
00:22:58,678 --> 00:23:01,512
ANNOUNCER: An FX original series.
(camera shutters clicking)
611
00:23:01,514 --> 00:23:03,814
The People v. O.J. Simpson.
(siren wailing)
612
00:23:03,816 --> 00:23:06,317
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
613
00:23:07,587 --> 00:23:09,153
ANNOUNCER: This spring...
614
00:23:09,155 --> 00:23:11,722
How awesome is it to be back
doing what we're best at?
615
00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:13,524
(yawns)
616
00:23:13,526 --> 00:23:15,192
MAN:
Archer!
617
00:23:15,194 --> 00:23:17,261
- Aaah!
- Mmm.
618
00:23:17,263 --> 00:23:19,063
Why the hell are you naked?
619
00:23:19,065 --> 00:23:21,999
It's after Labor Day.
620
00:23:22,001 --> 00:23:23,834
Mr. Archer? Mr. Archer.
621
00:23:23,836 --> 00:23:26,170
Boop. Sorry.
Had to take that.
622
00:23:26,172 --> 00:23:27,705
ANNOUNCER: Archer.
623
00:23:27,707 --> 00:23:30,341
Why does a divorce lawyer
have grenades?
624
00:23:30,343 --> 00:23:32,843
'Cause they're terrible people.
Whoo-hoo!
625
00:23:32,845 --> 00:23:35,880
ANNOUNCER: The all new season
starts Thursday, March 31.
626
00:23:35,882 --> 00:23:37,415
Only on FX.
627
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:41,652
(woman whispering)
628
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:02,940
- (silenced gunshot)
- (silenced gunshots)
629
00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:04,508
(door opens)