1
00:00:00,562 --> 00:00:02,131
(door opens, closes)
2
00:00:02,164 --> 00:00:05,201
DEE:
Hey, look what I just found,
at the bus stop.
3
00:00:05,234 --> 00:00:08,637
"Gruesome twosome seek exotic
Europeans for weeklong rental
4
00:00:08,670 --> 00:00:10,940
"in luxurious
one-bedroom apartment.
5
00:00:10,973 --> 00:00:13,943
"Bed to be shared with owners.
Shitter down hall.
6
00:00:13,976 --> 00:00:18,114
Email F. Reynolds
at Warthog-OrgyFart.edu."
7
00:00:18,147 --> 00:00:20,382
-FRANK: Nice.
-Wha-- what?
-CHARLIE: Yeah. It's a good ad.
8
00:00:20,415 --> 00:00:22,918
You know, we got the Airbnb idea
from Dennis and Mac,
9
00:00:22,951 --> 00:00:25,454
-'cause they're doing it.
-Yes, but we're not posting
creepy flyers at bus stations.
10
00:00:25,487 --> 00:00:27,089
I mean, w-what kind
of people do you think
11
00:00:27,122 --> 00:00:29,158
-you're gonna attract with that?
-FRANK: What?
12
00:00:29,191 --> 00:00:31,427
Young Bohemians
with no sexual boundaries,
13
00:00:31,460 --> 00:00:33,796
w-who don't mind a shitter
down the hall.
14
00:00:33,829 --> 00:00:35,331
CHARLIE:
Yeah, like,
European backpacking chicks
15
00:00:35,364 --> 00:00:37,399
-who stay in hostels and stuff.
-Yeah. Free.
16
00:00:37,432 --> 00:00:39,468
-CHARLIE: Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah. Don't be jealous
when Charlie and I
17
00:00:39,501 --> 00:00:42,838
are up to our eyebrows
in Viennese gash.
18
00:00:42,871 --> 00:00:44,173
-Ugh.
-Ugh, gross.
19
00:00:44,206 --> 00:00:45,608
Come on, man.
20
00:00:45,641 --> 00:00:47,109
Guys, don't try to lump
yourselves in
21
00:00:47,142 --> 00:00:48,944
with what we're doing, okay?
What we're doing
22
00:00:48,977 --> 00:00:50,913
is very charming and romantic.
23
00:00:50,946 --> 00:00:53,849
-We're setting up a meet-cute.
-Ah, a-a w-what?
24
00:00:53,882 --> 00:00:55,951
Are you trying to say,
uh, "meat cube"?
25
00:00:55,984 --> 00:00:57,920
-Like, a little cube of meat?
-Meat?
26
00:00:57,953 --> 00:01:00,456
-Because that's a good idea,
actually.
-MAC: No. (stammers)
27
00:01:00,489 --> 00:01:01,824
We're doing a meet-cute.
28
00:01:01,857 --> 00:01:04,160
It's-it's where
two soul mates meet
29
00:01:04,193 --> 00:01:06,996
under charming
and/or cute circumstances.
30
00:01:07,029 --> 00:01:08,831
-Like, from a rom-com.
-DENNIS: No.
31
00:01:08,864 --> 00:01:10,466
-Let-let's keep the trap simple.
-Yeah.
32
00:01:10,499 --> 00:01:13,335
Well, don't call it a trap,
because that's not romantic.
33
00:01:13,368 --> 00:01:15,404
Yeah, I'm sure for Dennis,
it's a trap.
34
00:01:16,872 --> 00:01:18,875
♪ ♪
35
00:01:41,496 --> 00:01:43,499
-(knocking on door)
-MAC: Coming.
36
00:01:43,532 --> 00:01:46,168
You must be Lisa.
37
00:01:46,201 --> 00:01:47,803
{\an8}-And you must be Mac.
-That's right.
38
00:01:47,836 --> 00:01:51,240
{\an8}Come on in
to my very spacious apartment.
39
00:01:51,273 --> 00:01:52,675
{\an8}This is gonna be your room here,
40
00:01:52,708 --> 00:01:54,176
{\an8}-and I think that...
-DENNIS: Hello. Oh...
41
00:01:54,209 --> 00:01:56,812
{\an8}Hello, I'm Dennis.
I'm here for the room.
42
00:01:56,845 --> 00:01:59,348
(gasps)
Oh, my God. Dennis, no.
43
00:01:59,381 --> 00:02:00,983
Y-You're supposed
to be here next week.
44
00:02:01,016 --> 00:02:02,218
No, it was this week.
45
00:02:02,251 --> 00:02:04,053
Uh, for sure it was this week.
46
00:02:04,086 --> 00:02:06,355
Oh, my God, it was this week.
47
00:02:06,388 --> 00:02:08,157
-You know, this is,
this is humiliating.
-Did something happen?
48
00:02:08,190 --> 00:02:09,825
-I must have overbooked...
-Oh.
49
00:02:09,858 --> 00:02:12,394
-...this Airbnb,
and that's a problem...
-Oh, my gosh.
50
00:02:12,427 --> 00:02:14,830
-...because we only have
the one room, so...
-We can work this out,
51
00:02:14,863 --> 00:02:16,565
because I think
we can probably stay
52
00:02:16,598 --> 00:02:18,734
in the same room to-together.
53
00:02:18,767 --> 00:02:20,502
It wouldn't bother me
if it wouldn't bother you.
54
00:02:20,535 --> 00:02:22,871
I mean, I-I don't like to come
off as a difficult person.
55
00:02:22,904 --> 00:02:26,242
-Um...
-Oh. Now, d-do you like to come
off as a difficult person?
56
00:02:26,275 --> 00:02:28,377
-(laughs softly) No.
-No. Of course not.
-Oh, no.
57
00:02:28,410 --> 00:02:29,678
-Who-who would? Who would?
-Yeah. No, no one likes
58
00:02:29,711 --> 00:02:31,780
to be a difficult person,
so we can make it work.
59
00:02:31,813 --> 00:02:34,049
-I'm Dennis.
-(chuckles): Uh...
60
00:02:34,082 --> 00:02:35,584
I don't think my husband and I
would be comfortable
61
00:02:35,617 --> 00:02:37,053
sharing a room.
62
00:02:38,086 --> 00:02:39,888
Husband?
63
00:02:39,921 --> 00:02:43,559
I'm sorry, I didn't realize
that you were married.
64
00:02:43,592 --> 00:02:45,894
-I didn't realize
I had to tell you that.
-DENNIS: Yeah.
65
00:02:45,927 --> 00:02:48,564
-Oh...
-GREG: Uh, hi.
66
00:02:48,597 --> 00:02:50,699
-Uh, one of you guys
must be Mac.
-Yeah, that's me.
67
00:02:50,732 --> 00:02:52,801
-You, you're the husband.
-Mm-hmm.
68
00:02:52,834 --> 00:02:54,436
I see. Uh, this is Dennis.
69
00:02:54,469 --> 00:02:56,205
-What's up?
-He's also gonna be
staying here.
70
00:02:56,238 --> 00:02:58,574
-Well...
-Yeah, you know what? Maybe
we should just get another room.
71
00:02:58,607 --> 00:03:01,644
-Oh, no, no. I mean, maybe.
-We're gonna make it work.
Well, you guys crash in there,
72
00:03:01,677 --> 00:03:03,879
-and Dennis will
stay in my room.
-Uh, I don't know.
73
00:03:03,912 --> 00:03:05,814
I don't know. I don't think so.
Uh, I'm good.
74
00:03:05,847 --> 00:03:07,583
-I-I'm not gonna.
-Oh, well, it's just that you,
75
00:03:07,616 --> 00:03:09,652
you just said that you were cool
sharing a room, so...
76
00:03:09,685 --> 00:03:11,387
DENNIS:
Right. Yeah,
but I was, uh, you know,
77
00:03:11,420 --> 00:03:13,122
I'm-I'm, but, you know, ch--
(stammers)
78
00:03:13,155 --> 00:03:14,757
Things change.
(chuckles)
79
00:03:14,790 --> 00:03:16,592
Yeah. It's just that you don't
have anywhere to go.
80
00:03:16,625 --> 00:03:17,760
Well, you wouldn't know that.
81
00:03:17,793 --> 00:03:19,295
-Yeah, somehow I do.
-Yeah...
82
00:03:19,328 --> 00:03:21,297
Hey, we're just really tired
83
00:03:21,330 --> 00:03:23,632
and would love to crash,
if that's okay.
84
00:03:23,665 --> 00:03:25,000
Absolutely. Yeah, you guys,
you guys hit the hay.
85
00:03:25,033 --> 00:03:26,802
We're probably gonna
hit the hay, too.
86
00:03:26,835 --> 00:03:28,237
-Thank you.
-All right, yeah. Best of luck.
-Absolutely.
87
00:03:28,270 --> 00:03:29,505
-Thank you.
-Yeah, we're gonna work it out.
88
00:03:29,538 --> 00:03:30,773
-It's not gonna be an issue.
-All right. Thanks.
89
00:03:30,806 --> 00:03:31,874
Have a great night, guys.
90
00:03:33,008 --> 00:03:34,243
CHARLIE:
This is so exciting.
91
00:03:34,276 --> 00:03:35,644
-Yeah.
-Now, you said they're,
92
00:03:35,677 --> 00:03:36,845
uh, where are these girls from?
93
00:03:36,878 --> 00:03:38,781
-Australia? Or what is that...?
-No, no.
94
00:03:38,814 --> 00:03:40,482
They're two Austrian broads.
95
00:03:40,515 --> 00:03:42,518
-Aww...
-Alexi and Nikki.
96
00:03:42,551 --> 00:03:44,153
Oh, wowee, Frank.
97
00:03:44,186 --> 00:03:46,355
Those names are,
those names are like...
98
00:03:46,388 --> 00:03:49,792
Before they get here, we got
to lay down some ground rules.
99
00:03:49,825 --> 00:03:52,328
When we wind up
working the same broad,
100
00:03:52,361 --> 00:03:54,530
no eye contact
between the two of us.
101
00:03:54,563 --> 00:03:56,131
-Wait, what?
-And they're gonna encourage us
102
00:03:56,164 --> 00:03:58,600
-to explore each other's bodies.
-What?
103
00:03:58,633 --> 00:04:01,804
-A-And that's a hard no for me.
-No, for me, too.
104
00:04:01,837 --> 00:04:03,205
-Let's lead with that.
-Wait, what's about to happen?
105
00:04:03,238 --> 00:04:05,174
-(knocking on door)
-I'm not sure I want...
106
00:04:05,207 --> 00:04:07,276
Keep your fingers to yourself.
107
00:04:07,309 --> 00:04:09,511
-But have a good time.
-Uh... Hey, can...
108
00:04:09,544 --> 00:04:11,613
I just kind of want you
to explain what you...
109
00:04:11,646 --> 00:04:14,316
-Yeah.
-...what you got on your mind
here, but...
110
00:04:14,349 --> 00:04:15,951
Who the hell are you?
111
00:04:15,984 --> 00:04:17,720
Hi. We're here for the room.
112
00:04:17,753 --> 00:04:19,021
Nah, no, no, no, no, no.
113
00:04:19,054 --> 00:04:21,190
We're waiting
for Nikki and Alexi.
114
00:04:21,223 --> 00:04:25,361
Yeah. I am Nikki,
and this is my father Alexi.
115
00:04:25,394 --> 00:04:27,730
Oh, shit.
116
00:04:36,571 --> 00:04:38,540
(grunts)
What is this, man?
117
00:04:38,573 --> 00:04:40,175
W-What, what are we doing?
118
00:04:40,208 --> 00:04:42,010
I-I don't want to do this
anymore. Can we stop?
119
00:04:42,043 --> 00:04:43,545
Huh? No, we can't stop now.
120
00:04:43,578 --> 00:04:45,180
We're-we're right on track.
121
00:04:45,213 --> 00:04:46,682
I don't know, man. It just...
122
00:04:46,715 --> 00:04:48,350
It just feels like
a-a lot of effort,
123
00:04:48,383 --> 00:04:49,718
and it feels desperate,
you know what I mean?
124
00:04:49,751 --> 00:04:51,086
Like, I-I never put
this much work
125
00:04:51,119 --> 00:04:53,021
into banging some cute meat.
126
00:04:53,054 --> 00:04:54,356
Cute meat?
127
00:04:54,389 --> 00:04:55,858
Cute meat.
That-that was your phrase.
128
00:04:55,891 --> 00:04:57,259
No, Dennis, "meet-cute."
129
00:04:57,292 --> 00:04:59,728
It has a name, Mac.
Its name is Lisa.
130
00:04:59,761 --> 00:05:01,530
This is fun, right?
This is the banter. This is the,
131
00:05:01,563 --> 00:05:03,732
this is-- this is all
a part of act one banter.
132
00:05:03,765 --> 00:05:06,034
And we are right on schedule.
133
00:05:06,067 --> 00:05:08,070
-Shh. Listen.
-(distant arguing)
134
00:05:08,103 --> 00:05:10,372
(whispering):
They're fighting.
135
00:05:10,405 --> 00:05:12,708
I'm telling you,
their marriage is on the rocks.
136
00:05:12,741 --> 00:05:13,942
-What-what, wait-wait-wait.
-(distant squawking)
137
00:05:13,975 --> 00:05:15,511
What's that third noise?
138
00:05:15,544 --> 00:05:17,212
Dude, i-is that,
like, a chicken or a parrot
139
00:05:17,245 --> 00:05:19,181
or some shit? Dude, uh,
I thought we said no animals.
140
00:05:19,214 --> 00:05:20,883
Mac, tell them
no animals in my room.
141
00:05:20,916 --> 00:05:24,119
-That's no animal.
-(knocking on door)
142
00:05:24,152 --> 00:05:26,388
-Oh...
-We needed reinforcements.
143
00:05:26,421 --> 00:05:28,223
-Okay, catch me up to speed.
-Shh, shh.
144
00:05:28,256 --> 00:05:30,058
-Listen, listen. (mouths)
-LISA: You can't keep blaming me
145
00:05:30,091 --> 00:05:32,194
-for what happened with Teddy.
-Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.
146
00:05:32,227 --> 00:05:34,530
-Who is Teddy? (gasps)
-Mm...
147
00:05:34,563 --> 00:05:36,265
The wife must have cheated
on the husband
148
00:05:36,298 --> 00:05:37,599
with some guy named Teddy.
149
00:05:37,632 --> 00:05:39,034
No, no, no, that's all wrong.
150
00:05:39,067 --> 00:05:40,636
The female love interest
can't be a cheater,
151
00:05:40,669 --> 00:05:42,438
because that makes her
unlikable.
152
00:05:42,471 --> 00:05:46,475
Maybe this isn't a romantic
comedy about the wife at all.
153
00:05:46,508 --> 00:05:48,410
Maybe it's about the husband.
154
00:05:48,443 --> 00:05:50,879
Yes. The husband
is the lonely heart
155
00:05:50,912 --> 00:05:53,949
who needs to find love
in the big city. (gasps)
156
00:05:53,982 --> 00:05:56,485
Dee, you're my new
romantic lead,
157
00:05:56,518 --> 00:06:00,756
proving that romantic leads
don't have to be likable at all.
158
00:06:00,789 --> 00:06:02,958
-I'm sorry, I can't follow
any of this. Am I in or out?
-You're out.
159
00:06:02,991 --> 00:06:04,626
-Great. I'm gonna go sleep
in the living room.
-Okay.
160
00:06:04,659 --> 00:06:06,829
-Uh...
-Awesome.
161
00:06:06,862 --> 00:06:08,864
(polka song playing, yodeling)
162
00:06:15,537 --> 00:06:17,673
Charlie, this is weird as shit.
163
00:06:17,706 --> 00:06:20,976
Yeah. Hey-- hey, uh,
Nikki, what's this
164
00:06:21,009 --> 00:06:22,778
-that we're listening to
here, pal?
-NIKKI: Oh.
165
00:06:22,811 --> 00:06:25,614
It's just a little bit
of music that I wrote.
166
00:06:25,647 --> 00:06:27,783
-Ah, you're a,
you're a yodeler, huh?
-(music stops)
167
00:06:27,816 --> 00:06:31,153
Uh, y-yeah. Uh, may I ask
if you have a small pot
168
00:06:31,186 --> 00:06:34,122
-that I can boil
these lederhosen in?
-Uh, yeah.
169
00:06:34,155 --> 00:06:36,158
I got something. Uh,
let me just look around here.
170
00:06:36,191 --> 00:06:37,793
(Nikki humming)
171
00:06:37,826 --> 00:06:39,661
{\an8}What do you got going there
with the toe?
172
00:06:39,694 --> 00:06:42,197
-FRANK: Does he speak English?
-No, and sadly,
173
00:06:42,230 --> 00:06:44,166
-he refuses to learn.
-CHARLIE: Oh, yeah.
174
00:06:44,199 --> 00:06:46,001
Oh, yeah, Frank doesn't like
to learn new things either.
175
00:06:46,034 --> 00:06:47,769
Here you go.
Tha-That should work.
176
00:06:47,802 --> 00:06:49,304
Ask him what he's
working that toe with.
177
00:06:49,337 --> 00:06:53,675
(speaking German)
178
00:06:53,708 --> 00:06:56,011
Um, how do you say...
There is no word.
179
00:06:56,044 --> 00:07:00,849
Uh, "toe spoon,"
for the digging out of the toe.
180
00:07:00,882 --> 00:07:03,719
-Mmm.
-Don't flick it.
181
00:07:03,752 --> 00:07:05,387
Hey, Frank, can I talk to you
for a second over here, man?
182
00:07:05,420 --> 00:07:07,223
-Mind if we just...
-Yeah.
183
00:07:10,091 --> 00:07:11,627
Dude, this is weird as hell man.
184
00:07:11,660 --> 00:07:13,362
We gotta--
We're just gonna have to, like,
185
00:07:13,395 --> 00:07:14,696
power through this night,
186
00:07:14,729 --> 00:07:16,131
and then we'll figure
something out tomorrow, man.
187
00:07:16,164 --> 00:07:17,966
All right? We'll just--
Let's just get into bed,
188
00:07:17,999 --> 00:07:20,636
and get out of here.
Hey, hey, guys, you know,
189
00:07:20,669 --> 00:07:22,838
-we figure we should
just turn in early.
-We're gonna go to sleep
190
00:07:22,871 --> 00:07:24,406
-right now.
-'Cause the night goes
quicker, you know?
191
00:07:24,439 --> 00:07:26,174
-We usually sleep ass to ass.
-That's true.
192
00:07:26,207 --> 00:07:28,076
But let's see if we can...
193
00:07:28,109 --> 00:07:29,878
-I call the side.
-I'll get--
194
00:07:29,911 --> 00:07:32,080
-You got the end, huh?
-Yeah. Picked the side here.
195
00:07:32,113 --> 00:07:35,183
-Why don't you hop in.
-All right, I'll hop in.
196
00:07:35,216 --> 00:07:36,585
-Yeah.
-All right.
197
00:07:36,618 --> 00:07:38,153
Well, ass to ass.
198
00:07:38,186 --> 00:07:39,888
-FRANK: We're ass to ass.
-Here we go.
199
00:07:39,921 --> 00:07:41,924
All right.
200
00:07:47,429 --> 00:07:49,698
(snorts)
201
00:07:52,634 --> 00:07:53,636
Fuck this.
202
00:07:57,899 --> 00:07:59,568
(whispering):
Dennis. Come here.
203
00:08:01,483 --> 00:08:02,584
-What-- What are you doing, man?
-Shh! Shh.
204
00:08:02,617 --> 00:08:03,585
Wh-Why are you in their room?
205
00:08:03,618 --> 00:08:04,786
-Shh, shh, shh.
-What?
206
00:08:04,819 --> 00:08:07,456
I just set up the perfect
meet-cute for Dee.
207
00:08:07,489 --> 00:08:08,857
-Okay.
-See, Greg's in the shower,
208
00:08:08,890 --> 00:08:10,358
so I snuck in there,
I picked the lock,
209
00:08:10,391 --> 00:08:11,793
and I just made my way in.
210
00:08:11,826 --> 00:08:12,961
I checked him out
for a quick second.
211
00:08:12,994 --> 00:08:14,396
He has a tiny penis,
just for the record.
212
00:08:14,429 --> 00:08:15,764
-Ah.
-Then, I open up the toilet.
213
00:08:15,797 --> 00:08:18,100
I shit, like, my brains out
into it, right?
214
00:08:18,133 --> 00:08:19,401
I came at this thing
like an animal, man.
215
00:08:19,434 --> 00:08:20,969
And then I took a bunch
of toilet paper.
216
00:08:21,002 --> 00:08:22,270
I-I jammed it in there
217
00:08:22,303 --> 00:08:24,039
so it won't flush;
it won't flush.
218
00:08:24,072 --> 00:08:25,941
Why?
219
00:08:25,974 --> 00:08:27,109
Because when Greg
gets out of the shower,
220
00:08:27,142 --> 00:08:29,377
he's gonna realize that
this toilet is a mess.
221
00:08:29,410 --> 00:08:30,712
I mean, it is a splatter-fest.
222
00:08:30,745 --> 00:08:32,380
He's gonna look for a plunger.
There is no plunger.
223
00:08:32,413 --> 00:08:34,449
I'm gonna send him down
to the hardware store,
224
00:08:34,482 --> 00:08:35,951
where he's gonna run into Dee.
225
00:08:35,984 --> 00:08:37,953
GREG:
Oh, my God!
226
00:08:37,986 --> 00:08:39,988
Greg, y--
Are you okay in there?
227
00:08:40,021 --> 00:08:43,091
Um, no. I-I think there's
a problem with the toilet.
228
00:08:43,124 --> 00:08:45,393
You may need to get a plunger.
229
00:08:45,426 --> 00:08:47,829
A plunger? Oh, man, we don't
really even have a plunger
230
00:08:47,862 --> 00:08:49,297
here in the apartment,
231
00:08:49,330 --> 00:08:50,799
but we have a hardware store
down the street.
232
00:08:50,832 --> 00:08:53,001
If you go down there and get it,
I can get you back.
233
00:08:53,034 --> 00:08:54,769
GREG:
Okay. Hey, when did this happen?
234
00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:56,471
Wh-What?
235
00:08:56,504 --> 00:08:59,508
GREG:
The shit in the toilet.
It's not mine.
236
00:08:59,541 --> 00:09:01,009
Oh, my God,
when did that happen?
237
00:09:01,042 --> 00:09:03,745
-Just close the door.
-That's what I'm asking you.
238
00:09:03,778 --> 00:09:06,014
-Okay, now the plan is
in motion for you.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
239
00:09:06,047 --> 00:09:07,916
What do you mean the plan's
in motion for me?
240
00:09:07,949 --> 00:09:09,117
I thought I was out.
241
00:09:09,150 --> 00:09:10,619
Remember when we were
saying that
242
00:09:10,652 --> 00:09:13,021
the female romantic lead
would never cheat?
243
00:09:13,054 --> 00:09:14,456
-Uh-huh.
-Okay, well, I overheard Lisa
244
00:09:14,489 --> 00:09:16,858
saying to Greg that
she misses Teddy.
245
00:09:16,891 --> 00:09:19,027
Huh? Why would she tell Greg
246
00:09:19,060 --> 00:09:20,662
that she misses the guy
that she cheated with?
247
00:09:20,695 --> 00:09:23,999
Unless she didn't
cheat on him with Teddy.
248
00:09:24,032 --> 00:09:25,500
Maybe Teddy was
a platonic friend
249
00:09:25,533 --> 00:09:27,869
from high school
that makes Greg jealous.
250
00:09:27,902 --> 00:09:29,204
Don't you know what this means?
251
00:09:29,237 --> 00:09:32,174
Lisa is still our romantic lead,
which means...
252
00:09:32,207 --> 00:09:34,476
-So I'm still your leading man.
-Yeah.
253
00:09:34,509 --> 00:09:36,645
(sighs heavily)
254
00:09:38,046 --> 00:09:40,015
(frying pan sizzling)
255
00:09:40,048 --> 00:09:41,283
-This is crazy, Charlie.
-Yeah, I know.
256
00:09:41,316 --> 00:09:43,685
I mean, Dennis is having
meet cubes with hot chicks,
257
00:09:43,718 --> 00:09:45,287
-and we're stuck
with these guys.
-I know.
258
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:46,855
I want to be having
meet cubes, right?
259
00:09:46,888 --> 00:09:48,857
-Me, too. Me, too.
(exclaiming in German)
260
00:09:48,890 --> 00:09:50,025
What the hell?
What the hell is he doing?
261
00:09:50,058 --> 00:09:51,193
I don't know what he's doing.
262
00:09:51,226 --> 00:09:52,627
What are you--
What are you doing there?
263
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,696
What-- What are you doing
with the spoon?
264
00:09:54,729 --> 00:09:58,033
You can't get to the
hard-to-reach places with that.
265
00:09:58,066 --> 00:10:00,368
You need a knife.
You need an edge.
266
00:10:00,401 --> 00:10:01,870
-Here, take this.
-What, uh--
267
00:10:01,903 --> 00:10:03,171
CHARLIE:
What are you working on
over here, pal?
268
00:10:03,204 --> 00:10:05,006
Because, you know,
Frank and I have
269
00:10:05,039 --> 00:10:08,009
a very specific diet;
we like to eat pretty clean.
270
00:10:08,042 --> 00:10:10,011
And I don't want to...
271
00:10:10,044 --> 00:10:11,746
-That is, uh, sausage...
-Yeah.
272
00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:16,017
-...mit peanut butter
und apricot jam sandwich.
-Hmm.
273
00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:20,188
But the trick is to melt
the cheese on the outside.
274
00:10:20,221 --> 00:10:21,856
Well, that's right, you put
peanut butter on the inside,
275
00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:23,525
you put the cheese
on the outside.
276
00:10:23,558 --> 00:10:25,660
But you don't want to burn that
cheese, right, so you...
277
00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:28,363
BOTH:
...so you finish it
on the radiator.
278
00:10:28,396 --> 00:10:31,199
I do that, too. I didn't think
anyone did that, man!
279
00:10:31,232 --> 00:10:32,834
And that is the trick.
That's how you do it.
280
00:10:32,867 --> 00:10:34,102
-That's exactly-- Exactly.
-Exactly.
281
00:10:34,135 --> 00:10:37,839
Hey, Charlie,
this is pretty good.
282
00:10:37,872 --> 00:10:40,041
You can get in there
behind the toe,
283
00:10:40,074 --> 00:10:42,611
and it's rounded,
so you don't have a chance
284
00:10:42,644 --> 00:10:44,846
of filletin' yourself.
285
00:10:44,879 --> 00:10:45,914
Probably shouldn't share it,
though, guys.
286
00:10:45,947 --> 00:10:47,349
It's not--
That's not sanitary.
287
00:10:47,382 --> 00:10:49,384
I got a question.
Tell me if it's asking too much,
288
00:10:49,417 --> 00:10:51,886
but I've always kind of
seen myself as a yodeler.
289
00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:54,889
Would you be willing to show me
how you do that?
290
00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:56,858
I would like that very much.
291
00:10:56,891 --> 00:10:58,960
-For real?
Okay, 'cause I feel like
-(phone chimes)
292
00:10:58,993 --> 00:11:01,930
if I... if I learn how to yodel,
I'm going places.
293
00:11:01,963 --> 00:11:03,698
You know what I mean?
Because, like, no one...
294
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:06,301
-no one's doing that these days.
-(hushed tone): Charlie.
295
00:11:06,334 --> 00:11:08,970
-Charlie, come here.
-Uh, give me one second.
296
00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:10,071
Yo, what's up?
297
00:11:10,104 --> 00:11:12,073
We just got a hit
on the apartment.
298
00:11:12,106 --> 00:11:13,775
Two European broads.
299
00:11:13,808 --> 00:11:15,243
Oh, I don't know, man,
things are starting to really
300
00:11:15,276 --> 00:11:16,611
-turn a corner with these guys.
-Yeah, I know.
301
00:11:16,644 --> 00:11:18,079
I mean, you know,
I'm having fun.
302
00:11:18,112 --> 00:11:19,581
-I like the spoon.
-And you got that.
303
00:11:19,614 --> 00:11:21,549
-I guess... Okay, but you know.
-Yeah. Yeah, ooh...
304
00:11:21,582 --> 00:11:23,852
And...
305
00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:27,856
(men speaking German)
306
00:11:30,258 --> 00:11:32,260
-Sorry, no. We double-booked.
-Sorry, guys.
Yeah, I'm so sorry.
307
00:11:32,293 --> 00:11:34,663
-We're gonna miss you.
-You know, these things happen.
308
00:11:34,696 --> 00:11:37,432
-We-we just double-booked.
-Thanks for the toe spoon.
309
00:11:37,465 --> 00:11:40,001
Yeah, thanks so much, guys.
Good-bye.
310
00:11:40,034 --> 00:11:41,536
♪ ♪
311
00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:45,674
Oops.
312
00:11:45,707 --> 00:11:47,175
-Sorry.
-(both chuckle)
313
00:11:47,208 --> 00:11:49,311
That was pretty cute,
wasn't it, how we...
314
00:11:49,344 --> 00:11:51,680
both reached for the plunger
at the same time? (chuckles)
315
00:11:51,713 --> 00:11:53,315
-Yeah, I guess.
-(stammers)
316
00:11:53,348 --> 00:11:54,849
Also, looks like
it's the only one.
317
00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:58,787
It's the last one, so, um...
maybe we could share it.
318
00:11:58,820 --> 00:12:01,323
How would that work?
319
00:12:01,356 --> 00:12:04,459
Well, I guess, first you'd have
to come back to my place.
320
00:12:04,492 --> 00:12:06,628
You know, I can always
use a man
321
00:12:06,661 --> 00:12:09,631
to help me clean my pipes.
322
00:12:09,664 --> 00:12:14,369
Help flushing the shit you took
that backed up your toilet?
323
00:12:14,402 --> 00:12:17,372
No. No, that's--
No, that's-- it wasn't shit.
324
00:12:17,405 --> 00:12:19,541
-That's not what I'm talking
about. It wasn't shit.
-What was it?
325
00:12:19,574 --> 00:12:20,642
-I don't care.
-Okay, it doesn't matter.
326
00:12:20,675 --> 00:12:21,643
The point is that
327
00:12:21,676 --> 00:12:23,178
it's-it's charming and cute
and fun
328
00:12:23,211 --> 00:12:25,180
how we, how we just sort of met
like this over a plunger.
329
00:12:25,213 --> 00:12:26,381
Don't you think so?
(chuckles)
330
00:12:26,414 --> 00:12:28,216
I'm just gonna go
to another hardware store.
331
00:12:28,249 --> 00:12:30,118
Well, okay. Well, hold on
a second. Wait, wait.
332
00:12:30,151 --> 00:12:31,653
Don't go.
333
00:12:32,854 --> 00:12:35,156
There we go.
334
00:12:35,189 --> 00:12:38,260
Pushing away his soul mate,
right on structure.
335
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:40,729
End act two.
336
00:12:45,805 --> 00:12:48,975
Hey! It's my roomie.
What's going on?
337
00:12:49,008 --> 00:12:50,477
Hi.
338
00:12:50,510 --> 00:12:52,579
-I got you some wine.
-Oh, no, thank you.
339
00:12:52,612 --> 00:12:55,916
Well, it helps when you're sad.
You seem sad.
340
00:12:55,949 --> 00:12:58,285
But I-I get it.
I-I understand.
341
00:12:58,318 --> 00:12:59,686
-You do?
-Oh, yeah.
342
00:12:59,719 --> 00:13:00,987
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
343
00:13:01,020 --> 00:13:03,690
Yeah, you miss Teddy,
and no one can replace him.
344
00:13:03,723 --> 00:13:05,525
I assume you overheard
my husband and I. (sobs)
345
00:13:05,558 --> 00:13:06,793
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
346
00:13:06,826 --> 00:13:09,362
But, look, maybe I can
fill that void, you know,
347
00:13:09,395 --> 00:13:11,965
if only for a few hours
of, uh, sexual bliss.
348
00:13:11,998 --> 00:13:14,701
Oh, no. What?
349
00:13:14,734 --> 00:13:16,770
Sex.
350
00:13:16,803 --> 00:13:18,371
Bangin'.
351
00:13:18,404 --> 00:13:21,107
It's good to take
the mind off things. You know?
352
00:13:21,140 --> 00:13:23,109
But wait, l-let me, let me
ease your mind about something.
353
00:13:23,142 --> 00:13:24,544
I'm not the jealous type,
like your husband.
354
00:13:24,577 --> 00:13:26,947
You know, you want to spend time
with Teddy also, uh,
355
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:28,381
-that's fine, you know.
-(crying softly)
356
00:13:28,414 --> 00:13:31,151
Dig that guy up, you know, see
what he's been up to these days.
357
00:13:31,184 --> 00:13:33,687
I honestly don't give a shit.
(chuckles)
358
00:13:35,021 --> 00:13:36,857
-Yeah.
-(crying)
359
00:13:36,890 --> 00:13:38,191
You all right?
360
00:13:38,224 --> 00:13:40,827
-What?
-Oh.
361
00:13:40,860 --> 00:13:42,062
What happened?
362
00:13:42,095 --> 00:13:43,363
(Dennis clears throat)
363
00:13:43,396 --> 00:13:45,566
This is so bad.
364
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,002
(sobbing):
Don't talk about him.
365
00:13:50,169 --> 00:13:52,072
(door closes)
366
00:13:52,105 --> 00:13:53,807
-Okay, that went great.
-Huh?
367
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,308
-Now, next steps...
-Whoa.
368
00:13:55,341 --> 00:13:57,043
How, in your mind,
did that go great?
369
00:13:57,076 --> 00:13:58,245
-I thought the crying was hot.
-I did, too.
370
00:13:58,278 --> 00:14:00,247
But it just, it seems like
it's gonna be annoying.
371
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,249
I find you annoying.
This whole thing's annoying.
372
00:14:02,282 --> 00:14:04,751
-I'm gonna go back to my thing.
-No, Dennis, this is working.
373
00:14:04,784 --> 00:14:06,586
You just have to trust
the structure.
374
00:14:06,619 --> 00:14:08,989
-Uh, nah.
-Just trust the structure.
375
00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:10,290
(sighs)
376
00:14:12,792 --> 00:14:14,594
-Yeah... Come on in, come on in.
-Well, yeah, come on in.
377
00:14:14,627 --> 00:14:16,263
Oh, this... this is the spot.
378
00:14:16,296 --> 00:14:17,731
-Sorry it's messy.
-It's a little messy.
379
00:14:17,764 --> 00:14:19,232
We had a guest,
and he trashed the joint.
380
00:14:19,265 --> 00:14:20,901
That's right, the-the guest
trashed the place.
381
00:14:20,934 --> 00:14:22,836
No, it is perfect.
382
00:14:22,869 --> 00:14:24,738
-Uh, so much space.
-Mm-hmm.
383
00:14:24,771 --> 00:14:26,106
-Yeah.
-Looks very bohemian.
384
00:14:26,139 --> 00:14:28,441
And I like that the bathroom
down the hall is so close.
385
00:14:28,474 --> 00:14:30,110
-Yeah, it's right,
it's right there.
-It's not far, right?
386
00:14:30,143 --> 00:14:31,845
-I mean, there's no door on it.
-Yeah.
387
00:14:31,878 --> 00:14:34,447
But that's because the guy in 4B
went berserk and ripped it off.
388
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:35,749
-Oh.
-Uh, yeah.
389
00:14:35,782 --> 00:14:37,384
And if you do have to
use the bathroom,
390
00:14:37,417 --> 00:14:39,552
-what I can do is
I can become the door for you.
-Yeah.
391
00:14:39,585 --> 00:14:41,888
-I do that for Frank when
he's taking a dump in there.
-You stand in front of it.
392
00:14:41,921 --> 00:14:43,256
No, no, no, it is okay.
393
00:14:43,289 --> 00:14:45,759
We're very free with our bodies.
394
00:14:45,792 --> 00:14:47,027
-Yeah.
-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, yeah?
395
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:48,929
-Mm-hmm.
-Cool. Yeah, us, too. I mean...
396
00:14:48,962 --> 00:14:51,364
-I only see one bed.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, it's a one-bedder.
397
00:14:51,397 --> 00:14:52,899
-Uh...
-Oh.
398
00:14:52,932 --> 00:14:54,534
-We can sleep on the floor...
-No, no, no, no, no.
-No.
399
00:14:54,567 --> 00:14:55,869
That's no fun.
400
00:14:55,902 --> 00:14:58,104
-We should all share. Yeah.
-Mm-hmm.
401
00:14:58,137 --> 00:15:01,274
-Yeah, that's okay with me.
Is that okay with you?
-No fun to sleep...
402
00:15:01,307 --> 00:15:03,443
-Yeah, here on the bed.
-Ah-ah-ah.
403
00:15:03,476 --> 00:15:05,612
That is not very free
with your body.
404
00:15:05,645 --> 00:15:07,814
-Uh... what do you mean?
-Wh-Wh-What?
405
00:15:07,847 --> 00:15:09,883
-We all sleep naked.
It's more fun.
-Mm-hmm.
406
00:15:09,916 --> 00:15:11,885
-Come, we don't bite.
-(stammers)
407
00:15:11,918 --> 00:15:14,120
-Yeah, just take it off. Come.
-(chuckles)
408
00:15:14,153 --> 00:15:15,889
MAC:
So you're telling me
409
00:15:15,922 --> 00:15:17,824
that you got nowhere with Greg?
410
00:15:17,857 --> 00:15:19,492
That's not true.
That's not true at all.
411
00:15:19,525 --> 00:15:21,461
Got him right where I want him.
This is the part
412
00:15:21,494 --> 00:15:24,597
where I sit back and wait
for him to come to his senses.
413
00:15:24,630 --> 00:15:26,967
Th-That-That's not how it works.
(sighs) Goddamn it.
414
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,635
This is the part
where the trashy skank
415
00:15:28,668 --> 00:15:31,638
is-is supposed to lure
the husband away.
416
00:15:31,671 --> 00:15:35,275
He bangs that nasty snatch,
and then Lisa recognizes
417
00:15:35,308 --> 00:15:38,445
that he is a dullard
and needs to drop him,
418
00:15:38,478 --> 00:15:41,448
so that Lisa,
the true hero of the story,
419
00:15:41,481 --> 00:15:43,950
can figure out that she needs
to be free and find love.
420
00:15:43,983 --> 00:15:47,520
-I'm the true hero of the story.
-You are a diversionary
plot twist at best.
421
00:15:47,553 --> 00:15:49,456
-(door opens)
-And you couldn't even
do that right.
422
00:15:49,489 --> 00:15:51,024
-Ooh, what a night! Wha...!
-(laughs)
423
00:15:51,057 --> 00:15:53,026
-You can't believe
what happened.
-Whew!
424
00:15:53,059 --> 00:15:54,794
FRANK:
We got the backpackers
we wanted,
425
00:15:54,827 --> 00:15:57,030
and they're as sexually free
as we hoped.
426
00:15:57,063 --> 00:15:58,798
-Those girls are wild, man.
-It was amazing.
427
00:15:58,831 --> 00:16:00,800
They wanted us to, like-like,
touch each other and stuff.
428
00:16:00,833 --> 00:16:01,868
I'm like, "Dude,
that's a hard no for me."
429
00:16:01,901 --> 00:16:03,036
No, it was a hard no
for me, too.
430
00:16:03,069 --> 00:16:04,437
-Well, but...
-I said no.
431
00:16:04,470 --> 00:16:06,339
-I said no.
-You were thinking
about it, though.
432
00:16:06,372 --> 00:16:08,341
-All of a sudden, like,
Frank gives me one of those...
-No, I wasn't thinking about it.
433
00:16:08,374 --> 00:16:10,543
-I'm like, "Are you kidding me?"
I'm not gonna do that.
-No, no, no, I wasn't...
434
00:16:10,576 --> 00:16:12,645
(Charlie and Frank
chattering excitedly)
435
00:16:12,678 --> 00:16:14,514
I can't even understand them
half the time.
436
00:16:14,547 --> 00:16:16,449
-It's like the accents...
-I don't know.
They were crazy chicks.
437
00:16:16,482 --> 00:16:17,650
Hey, hoping you're
having fun with your
438
00:16:17,683 --> 00:16:19,619
"meat cube" romance party.
That does sound fun.
439
00:16:19,652 --> 00:16:21,488
I do want some of those
meat cubes later.
440
00:16:21,521 --> 00:16:23,323
Dude, that girl with the,
with the long fingernails...
441
00:16:25,158 --> 00:16:26,793
Jesus Christ.
442
00:16:26,826 --> 00:16:28,528
Frank and Charlie
are off having orgies,
443
00:16:28,561 --> 00:16:29,996
and I'm sitting here all alone.
444
00:16:30,029 --> 00:16:32,332
I mean, this is crazy.
The whole world's upside down.
445
00:16:32,365 --> 00:16:35,335
-Up is down, black is white.
-Straight is gay.
446
00:16:35,368 --> 00:16:36,536
That's it!
447
00:16:36,569 --> 00:16:38,471
-What?
-Maybe Teddy cheated with Greg.
448
00:16:38,504 --> 00:16:40,673
(gasps)
449
00:16:40,706 --> 00:16:43,376
Maybe this whole thing has
just been one giant meet-cute
450
00:16:43,409 --> 00:16:45,512
for me and Greg.
451
00:16:45,545 --> 00:16:47,013
DENNIS:
Hmm.
452
00:16:47,046 --> 00:16:50,383
You know, it won't play in
Middle America, but screw it.
453
00:16:50,416 --> 00:16:52,485
We'll jam it down their throats
till they enjoy it.
454
00:16:52,518 --> 00:16:53,753
W-We'll force them to like it.
455
00:16:53,786 --> 00:16:55,488
-So you'll help me?
-I will.
456
00:16:55,521 --> 00:16:57,157
-And I'll help you, too.
-Get your hand off me.
457
00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:58,992
Yeah, get your hands off him.
We don't need your help.
458
00:16:59,025 --> 00:17:00,493
I think we're probably
gonna end up cutting you
459
00:17:00,526 --> 00:17:01,861
out of this almost entirely.
460
00:17:01,894 --> 00:17:04,664
-Uh, Mac, let's go
find you some romance.
-Yeah!
461
00:17:04,697 --> 00:17:05,732
Shall we?
462
00:17:05,765 --> 00:17:07,400
You know--
Okay, but just a heads-up:
463
00:17:07,433 --> 00:17:10,770
It's not gonna work, all right?
Men are not in charge anymore.
464
00:17:10,803 --> 00:17:13,273
You know? Men-men don't
get to just decide
465
00:17:13,306 --> 00:17:14,607
what women get to do...
466
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:16,910
♪ ♪
467
00:17:17,977 --> 00:17:20,447
(quietly):
Hey, Frank.
468
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:21,448
-Yeah?
-Hey.
469
00:17:21,481 --> 00:17:22,949
Can I admit something to you?
470
00:17:22,982 --> 00:17:24,951
If you're gonna tell me
that was your finger, Charlie,
471
00:17:24,984 --> 00:17:26,252
I'm gonna be pissed.
472
00:17:26,285 --> 00:17:28,054
No, that was,
that was definitely Minka.
473
00:17:28,087 --> 00:17:29,956
-She's real aggressive
with the fingers.
-Oh, my...
474
00:17:29,989 --> 00:17:31,958
I don't get that move at all.
475
00:17:31,991 --> 00:17:34,928
But, dude, something, besides
this violent Euro ass play,
476
00:17:34,961 --> 00:17:36,463
it just doesn't feel right, man.
477
00:17:36,496 --> 00:17:38,731
Plus, dude, these girls
are drug addicts.
478
00:17:38,764 --> 00:17:41,267
I saw them using Alexi's
toe spoon to cook heroin.
479
00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:43,436
-What?!
-I don't even think we need
to whisper. Like...
480
00:17:43,469 --> 00:17:46,072
-Oh.
-Yeah, they're passed out, man.
481
00:17:46,105 --> 00:17:47,273
Oh, dude.
482
00:17:47,306 --> 00:17:49,909
This isn't good.
This isn't good.
483
00:17:49,942 --> 00:17:51,645
(Charlie exhales)
484
00:17:53,346 --> 00:17:54,981
-Yeah.
-(sighs) Charlie.
485
00:17:55,014 --> 00:17:56,549
-Look, it's done for.
-It's ruined. I know, yeah.
486
00:17:56,582 --> 00:17:58,318
-No, it's-it's ruined.
-(sighs): Oh.
487
00:17:58,351 --> 00:18:02,255
Hey, Frank, can I admit
something else to you, man?
488
00:18:02,288 --> 00:18:04,657
I-I can't stop thinking
about Alexi and Nikki.
489
00:18:04,690 --> 00:18:05,758
(sighs) Me, too.
490
00:18:05,791 --> 00:18:07,894
Like, maybe we made
a huge mistake, man.
491
00:18:07,927 --> 00:18:09,729
-We might've.
-And I know it's...
492
00:18:09,762 --> 00:18:11,998
-that it's two hot girls.
-Hot chicks.
493
00:18:12,031 --> 00:18:14,301
A-And you should make
the most of that, right? But...
494
00:18:15,334 --> 00:18:17,003
{\an8}Because it's good, you know?
495
00:18:17,036 --> 00:18:18,972
{\an8}-But some-something
just doesn't feel right, man.
-Yeah.
496
00:18:19,005 --> 00:18:20,507
{\an8}Something doesn't feel right.
497
00:18:20,540 --> 00:18:22,008
{\an8}-No, it doesn't feel right.
-Something's off.
498
00:18:22,041 --> 00:18:23,610
I miss those guys.
I miss them. I...
499
00:18:23,643 --> 00:18:25,512
-What's that? What's that?
-Oh, that thing?
500
00:18:25,545 --> 00:18:27,480
Oh, yeah. Uh...
501
00:18:27,513 --> 00:18:29,449
Uh, there was a package
outside the door
502
00:18:29,482 --> 00:18:31,117
when we came back
the-the other night, and...
503
00:18:31,150 --> 00:18:32,685
-What's it, a gift?
-Yeah, I don't know.
504
00:18:32,718 --> 00:18:34,087
It... I can't read it
505
00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:36,422
'cause it's, like,
in Austrian or something. Uh...
506
00:18:36,455 --> 00:18:38,158
-No, it's in English.
-Yeah. I-Is it English?
507
00:18:38,191 --> 00:18:40,160
FRANK:
"Thanks for everything.
508
00:18:40,193 --> 00:18:42,462
Love, Alexi and Nikki."
509
00:18:42,495 --> 00:18:44,030
-Oh, no shit?
-They gave us a present.
510
00:18:44,063 --> 00:18:45,498
They left a gift for us?
511
00:18:45,531 --> 00:18:47,333
(mutters quietly)
512
00:18:47,366 --> 00:18:49,802
(both gasp)
513
00:18:49,835 --> 00:18:51,804
Meat cube.
514
00:18:51,837 --> 00:18:53,907
Bus station.
515
00:18:55,541 --> 00:18:57,544
(yelps, laughing)
516
00:18:59,312 --> 00:19:00,680
Pretty Woman.
517
00:19:00,713 --> 00:19:02,649
(laughs) Yeah!
518
00:19:04,717 --> 00:19:06,119
I'm just gonna go out
to the car.
519
00:19:06,152 --> 00:19:07,654
GREG:
Yeah, okay.
520
00:19:09,488 --> 00:19:11,057
Nice to meet you. Bye.
521
00:19:11,090 --> 00:19:12,225
Okay, great. Okay, all right.
522
00:19:12,258 --> 00:19:13,893
This is your moment, Mac.
Now remember,
523
00:19:13,926 --> 00:19:15,128
just speak from the heart,
all right?
524
00:19:15,161 --> 00:19:16,529
Sweep him off his feet.
Go to him.
525
00:19:16,562 --> 00:19:17,697
-Go to him. Yes.
-No, no.
526
00:19:17,730 --> 00:19:19,632
Hey, uh, uh, Greg?
527
00:19:19,665 --> 00:19:21,701
-Yes.
-Uh, was wondering
if we could have a quick chat.
528
00:19:21,734 --> 00:19:23,536
("I Wanna Sex You Up"
by Color Me Badd playing)
529
00:19:23,569 --> 00:19:25,905
-Oh. Sorry about that, guys.
Wrong-wrong track.
-(music stops)
530
00:19:25,938 --> 00:19:27,574
-Yeah. That was the wrong song.
-Here we go.
531
00:19:27,607 --> 00:19:29,409
-Oh, here we go.
-("In Your Eyes"
by Peter Gabriel playing)
532
00:19:29,442 --> 00:19:30,577
-That's the one.
-(clears throat)
533
00:19:30,610 --> 00:19:32,178
Um...
(chuckles softly)
534
00:19:32,211 --> 00:19:35,181
I know that what you had
with Teddy was special,
535
00:19:35,214 --> 00:19:37,083
and I know that I could
never replace him.
536
00:19:37,116 --> 00:19:39,252
But that's dead and buried now,
man, and you got to move on.
537
00:19:39,285 --> 00:19:41,087
I-I... And I know
that it's crazy.
538
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,022
I know that it's crazy 'cause
we just met, but I feel like
539
00:19:43,055 --> 00:19:45,325
if-if you just give us a chance,
540
00:19:45,358 --> 00:19:48,528
we could tell a love story
for the ages. (chuckles softly)
541
00:19:50,029 --> 00:19:53,366
A gay... gay-ass love story.
542
00:19:53,399 --> 00:19:56,035
A-And, yeah, maybe it won't play
in Middle America,
543
00:19:56,068 --> 00:19:58,605
and-and maybe it's not even
ready for the mainstream,
544
00:19:58,638 --> 00:20:00,607
but it'll win a ton of awards,
and it'll get
545
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:02,542
a shit ton of attention
for the liberal press.
546
00:20:02,575 --> 00:20:04,944
-I don't, I don't know
what you're talking about.
-(sighs)
547
00:20:04,977 --> 00:20:08,381
I... dumped up
your toilet, Greg.
548
00:20:08,414 --> 00:20:10,750
It was me. It was always me.
549
00:20:10,783 --> 00:20:14,020
But I did it for us,
to draw us closer together.
550
00:20:14,053 --> 00:20:15,388
-Now, I just think if we can...
-LISA: What?
551
00:20:15,421 --> 00:20:16,389
Lisa's here.
552
00:20:16,422 --> 00:20:17,857
-What's going on?
-Lisa,
553
00:20:17,890 --> 00:20:19,425
I'm glad you're here.
Thank you. Please come in.
554
00:20:19,458 --> 00:20:21,427
We have something to tell you.
555
00:20:21,460 --> 00:20:23,763
-No.
-It's time you heard the truth.
556
00:20:23,796 --> 00:20:25,298
Greg and I
are going to be together.
557
00:20:25,331 --> 00:20:26,599
But know this.
558
00:20:26,632 --> 00:20:28,601
There was nothing that-that
you could've ever done,
559
00:20:28,634 --> 00:20:31,604
because what Greg needed
was Teddy.
560
00:20:31,637 --> 00:20:33,539
And what he needs now is me.
561
00:20:33,572 --> 00:20:36,442
So, Greg,
let me be your everything,
562
00:20:36,475 --> 00:20:39,779
just like your old lover Teddy.
563
00:20:39,812 --> 00:20:42,548
(voice breaking):
Teddy was our son.
564
00:20:42,581 --> 00:20:44,717
♪ All my instincts... ♪
565
00:20:44,750 --> 00:20:46,786
He died of leukemia.
566
00:20:46,819 --> 00:20:49,589
-What?
-Oh, you know what?
I think... Let me, uh...
567
00:20:49,622 --> 00:20:52,392
-("La Bamba" by
Ritchie Valens playing)
-No, you got to, you got to...
568
00:20:52,425 --> 00:20:54,494
-("Kiss Me" by Sixpence
None the Richer playing)
-Just turn it off. Just off.
569
00:20:54,527 --> 00:20:56,629
-("(I've Had) The Time of
My Life" by Bill Medley playing)
-Just-just turn it off.
570
00:20:56,662 --> 00:20:57,630
-(music stops)
-Sorry.
571
00:20:57,663 --> 00:20:59,432
Yeah. I don't have
a dead kid s...
572
00:20:59,465 --> 00:21:01,835
uh, approp-appropriate...
573
00:21:06,038 --> 00:21:08,308
Um... I guess
574
00:21:08,341 --> 00:21:10,109
we'll let you get back
to the healing.
575
00:21:10,142 --> 00:21:11,478
Yeah, you guys do your thing.
576
00:21:12,545 --> 00:21:14,047
Yeah.
577
00:21:17,183 --> 00:21:18,651
(gasps)
578
00:21:18,684 --> 00:21:21,187
That's not romantic. Or comedic.
579
00:21:21,220 --> 00:21:23,656
-You think they're gonna
give us a bad review?
-Yeah.
580
00:21:23,689 --> 00:21:25,458
I guess
we're not gonna get that...
581
00:21:25,491 --> 00:21:28,294
romantic comedy ending
after all.
582
00:21:28,327 --> 00:21:30,497
("Secret Garden"
by Bruce Springsteen playing)
583
00:21:31,797 --> 00:21:33,666
-This way, Frank.
-Wait. Oh, yeah.
584
00:21:33,699 --> 00:21:34,834
-Nikki?!
-Alexi?!
585
00:21:34,867 --> 00:21:36,769
-Alexi?!
-Where are they?
586
00:21:36,802 --> 00:21:39,472
-Nikki?!
-Yeah. Nikki?! Alexi?!
587
00:21:39,505 --> 00:21:41,107
No, Nikki, Alexi!
588
00:21:41,140 --> 00:21:42,809
-Nikki, wait, wait, wait! Wait!
-Alexi!
589
00:21:42,842 --> 00:21:44,310
-Wait, wait, wait. Listen.
-Hey!
590
00:21:44,343 --> 00:21:46,179
-Listen, please-please,
please don't go.
-Hey. (exhales)
591
00:21:46,212 --> 00:21:47,280
We're the perfect match.
592
00:21:47,313 --> 00:21:49,282
We-we didn't say it before,
593
00:21:49,315 --> 00:21:51,017
-but w-we understand now.
-Yeah.
594
00:21:51,050 --> 00:21:52,318
We feel the same way,
595
00:21:52,351 --> 00:21:54,954
but we must return
to our country.
596
00:21:54,987 --> 00:21:59,692
But we will return here
exactly one year from today.
597
00:21:59,725 --> 00:22:02,462
If you feel the same,
be here at sunset,
598
00:22:02,495 --> 00:22:04,464
and we will spend
our days together,
599
00:22:04,497 --> 00:22:07,233
knee-deep in American gash.
600
00:22:07,266 --> 00:22:10,069
-Wait one year? One year.
-(chuckles) Okay. We'll be here.
601
00:22:10,102 --> 00:22:11,971
-We'll be right here.
-We'll be here. We'll be here.
602
00:22:12,004 --> 00:22:13,339
-Alexi.
-CHARLIE: Have a good trip.
603
00:22:13,372 --> 00:22:14,574
-Thank you for everything.
-FRANK: Thank you.
604
00:22:14,607 --> 00:22:16,042
-Bye-bye. Bye.
-Thank you. I...
605
00:22:16,075 --> 00:22:17,344
I love you!
606
00:22:18,411 --> 00:22:19,812
Oh, man.
607
00:22:19,845 --> 00:22:22,815
What do you think, buddy?
608
00:22:22,848 --> 00:22:25,318
He had me at "gash," Charlie.
609
00:22:25,351 --> 00:22:27,320
He had me at "gash."
610
00:22:27,353 --> 00:22:30,356
♪ Garden she hides... ♪
611
00:22:30,389 --> 00:22:33,025
{\an8}-Bye! Bye! Bye!
-Bye.
612
00:22:33,058 --> 00:22:35,261
{\an8}-Bye.
-Bye!
613
00:22:36,929 --> 00:22:39,198
{\an8}Oh, man.
614
00:22:39,231 --> 00:22:40,800
{\an8}I'm gonna miss 'em.
615
00:22:41,867 --> 00:22:45,071
{\an8}♪ To go driving around ♪
616
00:22:47,072 --> 00:22:50,109
{\an8}♪ She'll let you into
the parts of herself ♪
617
00:22:50,142 --> 00:22:53,079
{\an8}-Go home?
-Yeah.
618
00:22:53,112 --> 00:22:55,982
{\an8}♪ That will bring you down... ♪
619
00:22:57,450 --> 00:22:59,419
{\an8}Hell of a guys,
you know what I'm saying?
620
00:22:59,452 --> 00:23:01,587
{\an8}They were, they were great.
They were great guys.
621
00:23:01,620 --> 00:23:04,424
{\an8}Yeah. I mean,
a little weird, you know?
622
00:23:08,461 --> 00:23:09,462
(trio chanting backwards)
623
00:23:13,966 --> 00:23:16,336
{\an8}Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
624
00:23:18,671 --> 00:23:20,306
{\an1}-(recorder playing theme song)
-(babbling)
625
00:23:20,339 --> 00:23:21,341
Pink eye!
626
00:23:23,108 --> 00:23:25,912
(grunting)
627
00:23:25,945 --> 00:23:27,847
(babbling)
628
00:23:30,015 --> 00:23:32,218
{\an1}FRANK: Don't judge me!
This is art!
629
00:23:32,251 --> 00:23:33,253
(recorder hits sour note)
630
00:23:34,487 --> 00:23:37,490
(electronic music)
631
00:23:37,523 --> 00:23:39,959
{\an1}All you have to do
is say the first thing
that comes into your head.
632
00:23:39,992 --> 00:23:41,427
-Yep.
-Politics.
633
00:23:41,460 --> 00:23:42,929
Schmolitics.
634
00:23:42,962 --> 00:23:44,497
-Family.
-Schmamily.
635
00:23:44,530 --> 00:23:45,631
-Feminine.
-Schmeminine.
636
00:23:45,664 --> 00:23:47,400
-Violence.
-Schmiolence.
637
00:23:47,433 --> 00:23:48,634
-Accident.
-Schmaccident.
638
00:23:48,667 --> 00:23:49,902
{\an1}-Argument.
-Schmargument.
-Beef-and-black-bean.
639
00:23:49,935 --> 00:23:51,270
Schmeef-and-schmack-schmean.
640
00:23:51,303 --> 00:23:53,706
(electronic music)
641
00:23:55,774 --> 00:23:58,277
{\an1}I'm gonna have to get that
to you on Wednesday.
642
00:23:58,310 --> 00:23:59,679
Said you'd have
the money, man.
643
00:23:59,712 --> 00:24:02,181
{\an1}No, I know I did.
I'm definitely gonna
have it by Wednesday.
644
00:24:02,214 --> 00:24:03,216
Definitely.
645
00:24:04,884 --> 00:24:06,686
{\an1}I'm gonna have to
give you a touch-up.
646
00:24:06,719 --> 00:24:09,088
What? Well, can it
not be the face?
647
00:24:09,121 --> 00:24:10,823
{\an1}-It's gotta be the face.
-Why?
648
00:24:10,856 --> 00:24:12,792
It's gotta be somewhere
where people can see it.
649
00:24:12,825 --> 00:24:15,328
{\an1}-Now, don't flinch, yeah?
-WOMAN: Jason?
650
00:24:15,361 --> 00:24:18,097
{\an1}Whoa, whoa. Mate, mate.
It's just my mum.
651
00:24:18,130 --> 00:24:20,166
-Hi. I'm Lorraine.
-Nice to meet ya.
652
00:24:27,806 --> 00:24:30,076
{\an1}-We have to talk, Angel.
-There's nothing to talk about.
653
00:24:33,045 --> 00:24:35,181
{\an1}-(gunshot)
-What we did was personal.
654
00:24:35,214 --> 00:24:36,349
We broke the rules.
655
00:24:36,382 --> 00:24:39,151
{\an1}-(rock music) ♪ Yeah ♪
-(gunfire)
656
00:24:39,184 --> 00:24:40,420
(sirens wail)
657
00:24:42,021 --> 00:24:43,456
ANNOUNCER: Mayans.
658
00:24:43,489 --> 00:24:45,925
All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
659
00:24:48,928 --> 00:24:51,564
{\an1}-I'm cold.
-It's not cold. Just come to me.
660
00:24:51,597 --> 00:24:54,066
{\an1}-I'll keep you warm, I promise.
-Fine.
661
00:24:54,099 --> 00:24:55,668
(woman giggling)
662
00:24:56,769 --> 00:24:57,837
(woman screams)
663
00:24:57,870 --> 00:24:59,872
ANNOUNCER: AHS 1984.
664
00:24:59,905 --> 00:25:02,342
{\an1} All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.