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♪ It's how you lie to me ♪
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♪ When I'm too blind to see ♪
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♪ And how you used the
love I give you... ♪
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CHARLIE: Dee, what
are you doing?
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DEE: I'm eating cake.
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I can see that
you're eating cake,
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but that's Frank's cake from, like,
a month ago. I threw that in the trash!
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- DENNIS: Oh, my God. Seriously?
- Yes!
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Dee, you're eating
trash cake and smoking?
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I mean, you know what
you look like?
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- You look like...
- Like a bird?
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Yeah. Yeah, of course you
look like a bird.
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- Yeah.
- You always look like a bird.
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But I was gonna say, uh,
you look like a...
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Like a, like a bird lady covered
in bird shit eating cake?
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- Dee, slow down, all right?
- Yeah.
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- Let the man do this.
- Let me do my thing.
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You're jumping on my thing here.
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MAC: You know what she looks like?
She looks like a bird that has no...
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A bird with no tits and no ass?
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- Dee, let us handle...
- Yeah.
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- FRANK: I got one, I got one.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go!
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- She looks like...
- Like a bird.
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- That was it.
- Was that it?
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- Ah...
- That was it.
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- See? That would have been funny, Dee.
- Right. Yeah, Dee, don't...
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What are you doing? You
know, that's not fun. Stop.
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- Stop whatever this is. I don't like it.
- I'm sorry, you guys. I'm sorry.
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Don't apologize. That's just sad.
Fight back at us.
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What's the point? The joke's
always on me, all right? I get it.
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- Yeah, but it's no fun unless
you fight back. - Yeah.
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- Yeah, I'm just gonna go home.
- Good, go home. I hope you, uh...
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- You hope I get hit by a bus?
- Dee, come on, that's...
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What difference does it make?
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I can't get any lower
than I am already.
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I might as well just throw
myself in front of a bus though,
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because I'm so ugly I can't
even get a bus to hit on me.
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Well.
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Geez.
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What the hell was
that all about?
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I'll tell you exactly
what that was.
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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(door opens)
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- Dee? Dee, are you dead?
- Did you kill yourself, Dee, or...?
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- Ah.
- Dee, why is your door unlocked?
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Do you realize how
unsafe that is?
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Mm-hmm.
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Okay, Dee, this is
truly pathetic,
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and you are really bringing us
down, so we're gonna help you out.
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We realize we may be in some ways
responsible for the state you're in.
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Yeah, all right, so we got
an idea though, okay?
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We're gonna sign you up for an
open mic night at a comedy club!
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- Yes.
- Right? That's your thing!
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And we're actually gonna
support you, Dee.
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And now that you don't care anymore,
you're not gonna gag on stage.
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Yeah, you know, you're right
in that sweet spot between,
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like, suicidal and actually dead, where
most comedians, they thrive there.
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Yeah, what was that thing you said
about how the joke's always on you?
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That could be a catchphrase.
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Dee, look, I don't want to
pile on here, 'cause you're
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- clearly very close to killing yourself...
- Yeah.
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...but I got to say, I totally
disagree with the guys on this.
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I'm glad you've given up.
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And I want to propose
something totally different:
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- I would like to find you a man.
- Come on.
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Yeah. A man to settle
down with.
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Now, I'm not talking about a smart
man, not-not a handsome man,
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but a very, very average
if not below average man
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to take you off of
our hands forever.
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Yeah, okay. Go ahead.
Go with it.
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- Go with it?
- Which one? You were not clear.
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The thing. Whatever. Both.
I don't care.
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- Let's-let's do my plan.
- The comedy plan. - Let's do our plan.
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- We're gonna do the comedy
plan, all right? - Meh.
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(breathing into microphone)
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(hushed): Dude, she is gonna bomb so
hard, and then she's gonna feel worse.
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(hushed): It's okay, dude.
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She'll tell a couple jokes, and then we'll,
like, fake laugh and stuff, you know?
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And tomorrow we can shit
on her.
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And she'll fight back and
be happy again.
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Say something!
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(listlessly): I decided
to stop showering.
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(Frank laughs)
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- Too much, Frank, too much.
- That's... - There was no joke told.
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I just figured,
"What's the point?
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I'm just a filthy person."
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I passed out at the park the other
day, and a couple of kids wrote,
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"Wash me" in the filth
on my vagina.
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(laughter)
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- Gross.
- That was kind of funny, man.
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- That was kind of funny.
- It was so gross.
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- It was gross. - Yeah, but that
guy over there laughed.
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I guess,
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joke's on me.
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(laughter)
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- There's the catchphrase.
- Yeah, yeah! Ca...
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- Yeah, that's like a ca...
- This is ridiculous.
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I'm gonna go select
some men for Dee.
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This is a waste of time.
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Um, I stepped in front of a
bus, but it missed me.
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I can't even get a bus
to hit on me.
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(laughter)
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- People are laughing!
- We love it!
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- For real.
- For real?
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Yeah!
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Knock, knock, knock. Can we say hi?
There she is!
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- Comedy star.
- Dee so funny.
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- Really funny. - Great!
- Oh, my God, so funny.
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- It was absolutely great!
- You did the bus joke, and it was like...
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- They loved the catchphrase.
- They loved the catchphrase!
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And think about this, Dee.
You didn't even gag once.
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- Not one dry heave, nothing.
- I guess I did pretty good.
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- Yeah, great!
- "Pretty good," she said!
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Dee, it was one of those shows
where you're, like, "Whoa!"
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And then your brain
goes (makes explosion sound).
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All right, guys, will you stop, okay?
You're not helping.
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Please, go get a drink, all right?
Give us a second. I need to talk to Dee.
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- We tried.
- Yeah, you tried.
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- That was it.
- Thanks, guys.
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All right, listen, listen to me. Your set
tonight was terrible. It was atrocious.
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Every single thing that came
out of your mouth was trash.
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It was filth. It was disgusting.
That's what really happened, okay?
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I want to be very clear
about this.
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Now, listen, I brought some men
for you to look at, all right?
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I've got some selections.
Now, they're not great.
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They're not, they're not anybody to brag
about, but, uh, you know, they're men.
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And they're probably willing to
spend their life with you, so...
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Uh, hey, uh, sorry
to interrupt.
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My name's Snyder, and I'm
a talent scout.
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And I just caught your last set.
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You were hilarious.
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So I just wanted to
give you my card.
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- Give me a call. - No, she will
not be calling you, sir, okay?
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Please do not encourage her.
Get out of here.
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You're-you're interrupting my
work, all right?
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You're not on my list
of chosen men.
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Why would you be?
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- What are you...?
- Christ.
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- What are you doing? Why would
you do that? - Come on, Dee.
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That guy clearly just
lurks around these places
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pretending to be a talent
scout so he can hit on women.
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Now look-look at my selects,
all right?
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- Look at these guys, huh?
- (Dee gasps)
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- Yeah, I know.
- This one's just, like, one big chin.
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Well, I didn't have a lot
to work with.
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You know, here we are,
and look at you.
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I mean, for Christ's sakes,
look.
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Okay, I'm sorry. Look, I want
this to work, I really do.
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So I know I can do better, all right?
Can you do better, all right?
150
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I'm gonna be at your house
tomorrow morning, 10:00 a.m.
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Have some new candidates
for you to look at, all right?
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- Okay.
- This is gonna work.
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This is not gonna work.
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Let's get you cleaned up,
all right?
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God, everything you did
tonight was so gross.
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Ugh. What is this?
Dee, open up! Open!
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You're locking your door all of sudden?
What is that? Come on.
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- You care all of a sudden?
- What? What?
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- Hey, let me in. I got selections for you.
- Now's not a good time.
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- I'm right in the middle of something.
- They're good selections. Hey,
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it's the time I said,
so it's the time it'll be.
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- Now let me in. I got selects.
- I don't care about your selects. Go!
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- What are you doing? Are you
hiding something? - No.
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- Is someone in there?
- No, no. Don't worry about it.
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- Let me in or I'll barge in. - Hey,
everything all right over there, Dee?
166
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Yeah, it's fine.
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Oh, no.
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Dee, oh... Oh!
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- Snyder?
- Mm-hmm.
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He's clearly using you. Or you're using
him to further your nonexistent career.
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- I am not using him.
- Oh, you're not using him?
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- Nope.
- Oh, good, good, good, good.
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- So, you like him?
- Mm-hmm.
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00:07:38,068 --> 00:07:39,954
- Find him attractive?
- Absolutely.
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00:07:39,973 --> 00:07:42,258
Describe the ways in which
you find him attractive.
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(Dee scoffs)
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He's got...
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- he's got all of his skin, still.
- Well, I would hope so.
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00:07:48,653 --> 00:07:52,029
And that he has plenty of...
180
00:07:52,349 --> 00:07:53,530
teeth to get...
181
00:07:53,554 --> 00:07:55,592
- But not all of them?
- No, not all of them.
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00:07:55,603 --> 00:07:56,480
Hmm.
183
00:07:56,685 --> 00:08:00,748
Dee, why can't you see that this is the
same pattern that you always fall into?
184
00:08:00,766 --> 00:08:03,545
Some guy uses you or you use him.
And then you know what happens?
185
00:08:03,576 --> 00:08:06,242
It's use, use, use, fail, fail,
fail, and then it's suicide.
186
00:08:06,341 --> 00:08:09,165
You think you can't go any lower?
Because you can.
187
00:08:09,246 --> 00:08:10,379
Oh, yeah?
188
00:08:10,978 --> 00:08:13,819
Well, he got me another gig for tonight,
boner. What do you think of about that?
189
00:08:13,843 --> 00:08:17,912
(making goofy noises)
190
00:08:17,942 --> 00:08:20,151
What-what is that? What are you...
what are you doing?
191
00:08:20,169 --> 00:08:21,489
Sound effects.
192
00:08:21,865 --> 00:08:23,771
Oh, goddamn, Dee.
193
00:08:23,951 --> 00:08:25,976
You have no idea what's funny.
Don't do sound effects.
194
00:08:26,013 --> 00:08:28,073
(Dee making goofy noises)
195
00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:31,350
Don't do... don't... wh-what...
Oh, oh, oh.
196
00:08:36,497 --> 00:08:37,809
Hey, hey, hey! Oh!
197
00:08:37,846 --> 00:08:39,858
Hey, Dennis, oh, check this
place out.
198
00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:41,311
This is legit.
199
00:08:41,342 --> 00:08:43,509
Dude, dude, Dee's opening
for Landslide.
200
00:08:43,534 --> 00:08:45,777
- That guy's, like, the real deal.
- I've never heard of him.
201
00:08:45,813 --> 00:08:46,958
Mostly diarrhea jokes.
202
00:08:46,995 --> 00:08:49,439
Yeah, he's the diarrhea guy,
but it look-looks like this
203
00:08:49,464 --> 00:08:51,221
- comedy stuff's paying off for her.
- Yeah, well...
204
00:08:51,252 --> 00:08:52,769
Hey, you don't get a gig like
this by accident.
205
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,427
Oh, come on, don't get too
excited, all right?
206
00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:56,252
She got the gig 'cause she's
banging some creep.
207
00:08:56,276 --> 00:08:58,276
- It's not gonna go well.
- Who's the nerd?
208
00:08:58,309 --> 00:08:59,974
Who, this guy? This is Walt.
209
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Yeah, guy's got no self-esteem, just like
Dee, so they're perfect for each other.
210
00:09:03,312 --> 00:09:05,351
So after she bombs tonight, I'll
put them together,
211
00:09:05,369 --> 00:09:07,610
thereby controlling the
situation, and her,
212
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:10,390
as I always have
and I always will.
213
00:09:10,705 --> 00:09:12,248
- What?
- Uh...
214
00:09:12,267 --> 00:09:14,798
Walt, just Walt-Walt's
the plan.
215
00:09:14,995 --> 00:09:16,436
- I'm Walt.
- Yeah, shut up, Walt.
216
00:09:16,447 --> 00:09:17,878
- They know who you are.
- I'm sorry.
217
00:09:17,897 --> 00:09:20,966
Ladies and gentlemen,
Sweet Dee Reynolds!
218
00:09:20,997 --> 00:09:23,173
(crowd cheering)
219
00:09:23,195 --> 00:09:24,597
Sweet Dee!
220
00:09:27,623 --> 00:09:32,187
(breathing into microphone)
221
00:09:32,212 --> 00:09:34,128
Sweet Dee, joke's on you!
222
00:09:34,165 --> 00:09:35,484
(laughter)
223
00:09:35,509 --> 00:09:37,784
She's got fans now?
Christ, come on.
224
00:09:37,799 --> 00:09:42,615
So I finally broke down and I
took a shower the other day.
225
00:09:43,222 --> 00:09:46,796
The stink flipped around and now
my soap smells like dirty vag.
226
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,743
(laughter)
227
00:09:48,774 --> 00:09:51,157
She said "vagina." A
woman said "vagina."
228
00:09:51,194 --> 00:09:53,232
- That's what makes it funny!
- Tasteless.
229
00:09:53,264 --> 00:09:54,667
(robot voice):
230
00:09:54,692 --> 00:09:56,592
Vagina, vagina.
231
00:09:56,593 --> 00:09:59,075
Vagina, vagina.
(laughter)
232
00:09:59,112 --> 00:10:01,878
(making fart noises)
233
00:10:02,327 --> 00:10:04,706
And the sound effects out of
absolutely nowhere, no setup.
234
00:10:04,725 --> 00:10:07,112
- But it's funny!
- It's not funny, it's not funny.
235
00:10:07,137 --> 00:10:08,950
- It's funny, Dennis.
- What are you doing?
236
00:10:08,968 --> 00:10:11,136
Will you stop laughing, Walt?
Oh, my God, this is the worst.
237
00:10:11,150 --> 00:10:13,586
People will laugh at absolutely anything.
This is comedy?
238
00:10:13,607 --> 00:10:16,150
(laughter)
239
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:19,027
So, men are just so hard.
240
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:21,608
Tell you what, they
all walk out on me.
241
00:10:21,971 --> 00:10:26,212
Every one of them. I can't even
keep crabs in this vagina.
242
00:10:26,275 --> 00:10:28,168
(laughter)
243
00:10:28,193 --> 00:10:30,831
They're all like, "Clickety clackety,
clickety clackety, clickety clackety clack.
244
00:10:30,856 --> 00:10:33,247
I got to get out of here!"
245
00:10:33,272 --> 00:10:36,066
(robot voice): Evacuate vagina.
"Clickety clackety, clickety..."
246
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:39,141
(making machine gun noises)
247
00:10:39,166 --> 00:10:41,279
The crabs have machine guns.
That makes sense.
248
00:10:41,298 --> 00:10:44,570
All right, well, that's it
for me tonight.
249
00:10:44,741 --> 00:10:48,164
I'd like to say it was fun, but I've had
a better time ripping out my own pubes.
250
00:10:48,178 --> 00:10:49,999
Shellac, shellac, rip!
251
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,068
(yelling wildly)
252
00:10:52,093 --> 00:10:54,143
Ping, ping, ping, ow!
(laughter)
253
00:10:55,087 --> 00:10:58,454
Okay, you guys, well, I'm Sweet
Dee, and the joke's on me!
254
00:10:58,482 --> 00:11:00,776
(crowd cheering)
255
00:11:00,801 --> 00:11:03,160
What is going on?
This is unbelievable.
256
00:11:03,283 --> 00:11:05,371
Let's give it up for Landslide!
257
00:11:05,406 --> 00:11:08,009
(crowd cheering)
258
00:11:08,990 --> 00:11:12,507
Well, that was a funny white
bitch, wasn't it? (laughs)
259
00:11:12,563 --> 00:11:15,538
Skinny though. I took
bigger dumps than her.
260
00:11:15,624 --> 00:11:19,861
(making fart noises)
(laughter)
261
00:11:20,412 --> 00:11:23,392
- It's a landslide!
- Oh, my God.
262
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:26,761
- I bet his diarrhea is nasty!
- Nasty!
263
00:11:27,098 --> 00:11:31,095
Oh, butts, vaginas and diarrhea, great.
This is what the world's come to.
264
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:34,148
- (Charlie laughing)
- Hey, hey.
265
00:11:34,690 --> 00:11:36,007
- You're on the list?
- The list?
266
00:11:36,036 --> 00:11:38,134
I'm-I'm Sweet Dee's
brother, so we're good.
267
00:11:38,147 --> 00:11:40,859
- Can't let you back there unless you're
on the list. - We got to be on that list.
268
00:11:40,871 --> 00:11:41,727
This is fantastic.
269
00:11:41,745 --> 00:11:43,710
I'm not on a list for a place
that I don't want to be.
270
00:11:43,759 --> 00:11:46,873
You know how that feels?
Hey, Dee? Dee?
271
00:11:47,201 --> 00:11:49,268
Uh, don't play this game, Dee.
I-I...
272
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,587
- We're five feet away from you,
I know you hear... - Deandra.
273
00:11:51,618 --> 00:11:53,243
Dee. Dee.
274
00:11:53,329 --> 00:11:54,263
Da.
275
00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:55,234
Da.
276
00:11:55,288 --> 00:11:56,189
Da.
277
00:11:56,231 --> 00:11:57,165
Dah.
278
00:11:57,228 --> 00:11:58,195
Dah.
279
00:11:58,223 --> 00:12:00,022
Dah. Dah.
280
00:12:00,103 --> 00:12:01,414
Dee. Dee.
281
00:12:01,441 --> 00:12:04,274
(all chanting different
pronunciations of "Dee")
282
00:12:06,651 --> 00:12:08,598
- Yes, yes, yes. What? What?
- Oh, hey.
283
00:12:08,615 --> 00:12:09,498
Hi. What?
284
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,913
Hey, Dee, can we come
back there with you?
285
00:12:10,944 --> 00:12:13,272
Yeah, hey, we're, like, you're
biggest fans, like, great show,
286
00:12:13,296 --> 00:12:15,846
- like, good job, like, shut up, I'm sorry.
- We're gonna start a fan club.
287
00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:18,495
Oh, come on, stop kissing her ass.
Dee, enough of this, okay?
288
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,306
Step over the rope and come meet
Walt.
289
00:12:20,337 --> 00:12:21,376
Tell you what.
290
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:22,704
You three, you're in.
291
00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:23,791
Dennis, you're out.
292
00:12:23,822 --> 00:12:25,477
Go before she changes her
mind, go.
293
00:12:25,485 --> 00:12:27,461
Hey! Faced! Thanks, Dee.
294
00:12:27,479 --> 00:12:29,792
- Dee, who do you think you are?
- What is the matter with you, Dennis?
295
00:12:29,823 --> 00:12:32,130
You see them? They're
supporting me, okay?
296
00:12:32,149 --> 00:12:33,641
Because they believe in me.
297
00:12:33,671 --> 00:12:35,906
A fan club could really
help further my career.
298
00:12:35,936 --> 00:12:37,737
Career? Oh, wow, Dee.
299
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:38,903
See, you don't have a career.
300
00:12:38,934 --> 00:12:41,976
All right? So I need you to stop all
this right now. It's gone too far.
301
00:12:42,071 --> 00:12:44,097
Now, come meet Walt.
He is my select.
302
00:12:44,139 --> 00:12:45,809
You know what I think
this is about, Dennis?
303
00:12:45,853 --> 00:12:47,105
I think you're jealous.
304
00:12:47,136 --> 00:12:48,785
I don't think you want me to
succeed.
305
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,769
Dee, let me be very
clear about something.
306
00:12:51,056 --> 00:12:52,689
You will never succeed.
307
00:12:52,788 --> 00:12:53,657
Ever.
308
00:12:53,816 --> 00:12:55,894
Instead, you will fly
too close to the sun,
309
00:12:55,913 --> 00:12:58,652
and you will choke and you will
gag in a spectacular manner.
310
00:12:58,681 --> 00:13:00,807
So, please, for the love of God,
311
00:13:00,832 --> 00:13:02,032
take Walt.
312
00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:03,032
Hi, I'm Walt.
313
00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:05,398
She knows your goddamn name, Walt;
I said it, like, a thousand times.
314
00:13:05,435 --> 00:13:07,698
Look, you know what? I don't
want to be with Walt, okay?
315
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:09,275
And I don't want you
to find me a man.
316
00:13:09,299 --> 00:13:13,375
What I need you to do is stay out
of my way, because Sweet Dee
317
00:13:13,661 --> 00:13:15,762
is gonna be a star.
318
00:13:17,178 --> 00:13:20,748
(making machine gun noises)
(laughter)
319
00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:47,189
(crowd cheering)
320
00:13:47,214 --> 00:13:48,133
All right!
321
00:13:48,155 --> 00:13:49,847
Here, buddy, everyone else.
322
00:13:49,890 --> 00:13:54,660
(laughter)
(making machine gun noises)
323
00:13:55,018 --> 00:13:58,633
Right, I'm Sweet Dee,
and the joke's on me!
324
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:00,446
Thank you very much.
325
00:14:01,135 --> 00:14:03,927
(crowd cheering wildly)
326
00:14:06,993 --> 00:14:09,176
I don't care that you only have
one mic. Look at me!
327
00:14:09,235 --> 00:14:13,216
Dee Reynolds does not use mics that other
so-called comedians have spit into, okay?
328
00:14:13,247 --> 00:14:14,781
So get another one.
329
00:14:15,141 --> 00:14:16,754
- Dee Reynolds?
- Mm-hmm.
330
00:14:16,782 --> 00:14:19,425
Hi, I'm Michael Rotenberg. I'm a
talent manager from Los Angeles.
331
00:14:19,508 --> 00:14:22,184
- I've heard a lot about you.
- Oh, hi. Well...
332
00:14:22,205 --> 00:14:23,636
I've got a proposition for you.
333
00:14:23,648 --> 00:14:26,211
One of my bigger clients is supposed
to do Conan tomorrow night,
334
00:14:26,242 --> 00:14:27,517
and something came up.
335
00:14:27,544 --> 00:14:30,224
They need to fill the spot,
and I brought your name up.
336
00:14:30,242 --> 00:14:31,655
Are you interested?
337
00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:33,697
Conan O...
338
00:14:33,728 --> 00:14:35,378
- Conan O'Brien?
- Yeah.
339
00:14:35,403 --> 00:14:37,854
I would love to represent you,
too; I think you're amazing.
340
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:41,388
I can fly you to L.A. tomorrow on my
private jet, and we can go straight Conan.
341
00:14:41,412 --> 00:14:43,210
- What do you say?
- Uh, well, my goodness.
342
00:14:43,231 --> 00:14:45,588
This is all... This is all...
343
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:47,616
This is all... (gags)
344
00:14:47,860 --> 00:14:49,777
This is all... (gags)
Oh, boy, hold on.
345
00:14:49,945 --> 00:14:52,490
- Uh, you okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
346
00:14:52,534 --> 00:14:54,957
It's just, uh, just had a
little piece of sausage.
347
00:14:54,965 --> 00:14:56,110
Okay, I'm sure you did.
348
00:14:56,135 --> 00:14:59,093
Um, now, I'm not stepping on
anyone's toes here, am I?
349
00:14:59,112 --> 00:15:01,710
- Do you already have representation?
- Representation? No.
350
00:15:01,752 --> 00:15:04,020
- Hey, sweetheart, there you are.
- Ew! Mm-mm.
351
00:15:04,051 --> 00:15:05,168
Who the hell's that?
352
00:15:05,193 --> 00:15:07,893
This is, uh, my new manager.
353
00:15:07,905 --> 00:15:08,560
What?
354
00:15:08,585 --> 00:15:10,143
Sorry, Snyder, I don't
need you anymore.
355
00:15:10,167 --> 00:15:13,251
This guy's taking me to
Hollywood on a private jet.
356
00:15:13,282 --> 00:15:14,715
- What? Hollywood!
- Hollywood!
357
00:15:14,716 --> 00:15:17,870
- We're going to Hollywood!
- No, no, no! We're not going anywhere.
358
00:15:17,907 --> 00:15:20,488
- There's plenty of room if you want to
take your friends. - There's no room, okay?
359
00:15:20,516 --> 00:15:21,761
I have no use for
you guys anymore.
360
00:15:21,786 --> 00:15:24,155
Hey, what do you say we go
back to my hotel and have sex?
361
00:15:24,186 --> 00:15:26,000
Absolutely. Screw you, guys.
362
00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:27,442
What the hell, Dee?!
We made you!
363
00:15:27,458 --> 00:15:29,373
I'm sorry, you made me?!
364
00:15:29,477 --> 00:15:32,085
You made me?! I made you!
365
00:15:32,151 --> 00:15:33,545
Screw you guys, all right?
366
00:15:33,575 --> 00:15:38,061
(making goofy noises)
367
00:15:38,086 --> 00:15:39,163
Oh.
368
00:15:49,128 --> 00:15:50,103
Oh my.
369
00:15:50,147 --> 00:15:50,948
- Here we go.
- Okay.
370
00:15:50,971 --> 00:15:52,740
- You excited?
- Am I excited?
371
00:15:52,771 --> 00:15:55,690
- Y... yes, I am. Yes, I...
- Dee, wait, wait.
372
00:15:55,752 --> 00:15:56,765
Wait.
373
00:15:56,853 --> 00:15:58,413
I made a mistake.
374
00:15:58,637 --> 00:16:00,525
All this time, I've been
searching for the perfect guy to
375
00:16:00,544 --> 00:16:02,572
take you off of my
hands forever, but...
376
00:16:02,597 --> 00:16:04,372
I realized something.
377
00:16:04,515 --> 00:16:07,465
The perfect guy's been under my
nose the entire time.
378
00:16:09,009 --> 00:16:10,540
It's me, Dee.
379
00:16:11,211 --> 00:16:12,767
I'm the perfect select.
380
00:16:13,220 --> 00:16:16,264
I know, I've spent my entire
life shitting all over your dreams,
381
00:16:16,302 --> 00:16:18,480
and not supporting you,
but I was wrong, Dee.
382
00:16:18,504 --> 00:16:20,266
I see that now.
383
00:16:20,828 --> 00:16:22,335
You can succeed.
384
00:16:22,530 --> 00:16:24,419
You will be a star.
385
00:16:24,741 --> 00:16:26,275
You have to take me.
386
00:16:26,311 --> 00:16:28,315
I'm your twin brother.
387
00:16:29,490 --> 00:16:31,425
I love you, Dee.
388
00:16:34,204 --> 00:16:35,687
Dennis...
389
00:16:37,390 --> 00:16:39,036
suck my dick.
390
00:16:40,059 --> 00:16:42,956
(Dennis grunting)
391
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,038
Wait. Dee!
392
00:16:45,050 --> 00:16:46,830
No, wait, Dee, wait!
393
00:16:46,850 --> 00:16:48,478
Don't do this, Dee!
394
00:16:48,503 --> 00:16:50,872
Dee, wait! Dee, stop!
395
00:16:50,905 --> 00:16:52,459
Don't fly away now!
396
00:16:52,515 --> 00:16:55,413
Dee, wait! Wait!
397
00:16:57,065 --> 00:17:00,280
So when we get to L.A., you're going
straight into the limo and right to Conan.
398
00:17:00,302 --> 00:17:02,921
I'm gonna whisk you right
backstage, and we go straight on.
399
00:17:02,933 --> 00:17:05,404
- This is the big-time, Dee. You're not
in Philadelphia anymore, okay? - Mm-hmm.
400
00:17:05,423 --> 00:17:07,849
People are gonna be screaming your
name, there's gonna be paparazzi.
401
00:17:07,868 --> 00:17:09,239
Papa... whew.
402
00:17:09,752 --> 00:17:11,233
- (gagging): Paparazzi, huh?
- Yes.
403
00:17:11,263 --> 00:17:13,942
I tipped them off.
It's all about image.
404
00:17:14,580 --> 00:17:17,324
It's great! It's all great. It's
all super sudden though, isn't it?
405
00:17:17,359 --> 00:17:18,455
(gags)
406
00:17:18,599 --> 00:17:19,599
Ooh.
407
00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:20,993
There's a real smell to
that one.
408
00:17:21,005 --> 00:17:22,255
- Yeah, that...
- Are you okay?
409
00:17:22,266 --> 00:17:24,030
That one was... came...
started deep, that's all.
410
00:17:24,061 --> 00:17:25,550
This is your moment, Dee.
(Dee sighs)
411
00:17:25,551 --> 00:17:29,184
If you nail this, we're talking sitcoms,
movie deals, the whole nine yards.
412
00:17:29,199 --> 00:17:30,368
- Yeah.
- So let's get focused.
413
00:17:30,387 --> 00:17:31,900
- Yes.
- All right.
414
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,433
Yeah. Let's focus.
415
00:17:34,293 --> 00:17:35,592
Focus.
416
00:17:39,808 --> 00:17:41,709
♪ Don't call it a comeback ♪
417
00:17:41,742 --> 00:17:44,009
♪ I've been here for years
I'm rockin' my peers ♪
418
00:17:44,028 --> 00:17:46,565
♪ Puttin' suckers in fear
I'm gonna take this ♪
419
00:17:46,583 --> 00:17:49,864
♪ Itty bitty world by storm
And I'm just gettin' warm ♪
420
00:17:49,882 --> 00:17:51,788
(Dee retching)
♪ I'm gonna knock you out ♪
421
00:17:51,802 --> 00:17:52,603
♪ Huh! ♪
422
00:17:52,627 --> 00:17:54,678
♪ Mama said knock you out Huh! ♪
423
00:17:54,712 --> 00:17:56,978
♪ I'm gonna knock you out Huh! ♪
424
00:17:57,002 --> 00:17:59,342
♪ Mama said knock you out Huh! ♪
425
00:17:59,373 --> 00:18:01,787
♪ I'm gonna knock you out Huh!♪
(Dee retching)
426
00:18:02,851 --> 00:18:05,813
Welcome to Los Angeles.
Are you ready? Okay.
427
00:18:05,888 --> 00:18:08,227
Here we go.
♪ Mama said knock you out... ♪
428
00:18:08,247 --> 00:18:13,774
(cameras clicking)
(reporters shouting)
429
00:18:13,925 --> 00:18:16,162
- This is insane.
- Driver, take the canyons.
430
00:18:16,193 --> 00:18:18,068
- Don't go on the highway.
- Let's see...
431
00:18:18,112 --> 00:18:19,983
(gags)
432
00:18:20,312 --> 00:18:22,031
You're gonna be great!
You're gonna be great!
433
00:18:22,087 --> 00:18:23,312
(tires screeching)
434
00:18:23,337 --> 00:18:25,206
Here we go again. You ready?
435
00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:28,289
(reporters shouting)
436
00:18:29,272 --> 00:18:31,304
Okay, Dee is here, Dee Reynolds is here!
437
00:18:31,335 --> 00:18:33,332
Well, you're late. Hair and makeup!
We got to go.
438
00:18:33,350 --> 00:18:35,079
The announcer's gonna call your
name, you're gonna walk right
439
00:18:35,098 --> 00:18:36,411
through those curtains
and do your routine.
440
00:18:36,423 --> 00:18:38,047
This is your moment, you got to
grab it, jump on it, okay?
441
00:18:38,066 --> 00:18:40,079
- I'll be very... (gags)
- Good. You're gonna be great.
442
00:18:40,110 --> 00:18:42,118
You made it, Dee. Dee, Dee, you're
gonna be a star, all right?
443
00:18:42,145 --> 00:18:44,017
- I made it, I made it.
- You made it.
444
00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:47,319
Okay, calm down, you can do this. You did
this all by yourself, you can do this.
445
00:18:48,231 --> 00:18:48,995
Okay.
446
00:18:49,025 --> 00:18:53,379
CONAN: Ladies and gentlemen, a very
funny woman, Miss Sweet Dee Reynolds.
447
00:18:53,463 --> 00:18:56,441
Dee Reynolds is a star.
448
00:18:56,490 --> 00:18:58,866
(music playing, crowd cheering)
449
00:18:59,923 --> 00:19:02,439
The joke's on you!
450
00:19:02,465 --> 00:19:05,675
(noisemakers blaring)
(crowd cheering)
451
00:19:12,184 --> 00:19:14,580
(Landslide whooping)
452
00:19:14,605 --> 00:19:18,536
(chanting): Speech, speech,
speech, speech, speech...
453
00:19:18,555 --> 00:19:20,823
(chanting continues)
Shh, shh, shh!
454
00:19:21,575 --> 00:19:22,993
What...
455
00:19:23,165 --> 00:19:25,637
- What is going on?
- We got you, Dee!
456
00:19:25,661 --> 00:19:28,203
- We tricked you, we tricked you, we
tricked you! - We set the whole thing up!
457
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:29,632
- Yeah!
- You know? None of that was real.
458
00:19:29,643 --> 00:19:32,018
- All of these people are actors.
- I chartered a jet.
459
00:19:32,049 --> 00:19:34,973
We flew all over
Philadelphia for six hours.
460
00:19:34,991 --> 00:19:37,461
- And I'm a garbage man.
- He's a garbage man!
461
00:19:37,492 --> 00:19:39,267
- He's your garbage man!
- You've met him.
462
00:19:39,297 --> 00:19:40,981
None of this is real, Dee!
None of it!
463
00:19:41,005 --> 00:19:44,837
- Hey, hey, some of it was real.
- Yeah! You banged that guy!
464
00:19:44,862 --> 00:19:46,406
(laughter)
465
00:19:46,431 --> 00:19:49,365
Hey, best part? Dennis
wasn't even in on any of it!
466
00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:50,595
(laughs)
467
00:19:50,620 --> 00:19:52,865
I was and I wasn't.
I was and I wasn't.
468
00:19:52,886 --> 00:19:54,411
- He wasn't, he wasn't.
- No, no, no.
469
00:19:54,449 --> 00:19:57,427
No, we knew we had to drag him
through the mud, make it seem legit.
470
00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:59,452
- It was great, it was great.
- The joke's on him, too!
471
00:19:59,470 --> 00:20:00,869
Yeah, joke's on him!
(noisemakers blare)
472
00:20:00,894 --> 00:20:02,926
Well, it was good. It was a good joke.
It was a good joke.
473
00:20:02,945 --> 00:20:04,733
- Good joke, guys, I love jokes.
- She's got more to say.
474
00:20:04,758 --> 00:20:06,052
- Oh.
- She's got more to say.
475
00:20:06,088 --> 00:20:07,565
Why would you do this?
476
00:20:07,631 --> 00:20:10,862
Oh, well, you know, you were
being all mopey and annoying...
477
00:20:10,887 --> 00:20:12,172
- Yeah.
- ...complaining and stuff.
478
00:20:12,190 --> 00:20:14,197
We wanted to show you that
you could sink lower.
479
00:20:14,222 --> 00:20:15,945
Talking about killing
yourself, ugh.
480
00:20:15,969 --> 00:20:17,815
Some things you just don't
joke about, okay?
481
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,141
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You took it too far.
482
00:20:19,191 --> 00:20:20,792
- Too far.
- Yeah.
483
00:20:21,696 --> 00:20:23,840
- I took it too far?
- That's what I said.
484
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,385
Oh... I took... I
took it too far?
485
00:20:27,646 --> 00:20:32,666
Oh, God, you sons of bitches!
486
00:20:33,033 --> 00:20:36,599
(roaring)
487
00:20:36,624 --> 00:20:38,990
- And there she goes!
- She's back!
488
00:20:39,015 --> 00:20:41,123
- (laughter)
- I... no!
489
00:20:41,157 --> 00:20:45,003
All right, so we got Dee back, and
I think we may have broke Dennis.
490
00:20:45,028 --> 00:20:46,878
Broke me? Nah,
come on, I'm good.
491
00:20:46,903 --> 00:20:47,734
(laughs)
492
00:20:47,759 --> 00:20:49,340
I love all this. This is great.
493
00:20:49,364 --> 00:20:51,082
I'm gonna pop out
for a little while.
494
00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:52,870
(laughing)
495
00:20:52,895 --> 00:20:55,018
- He's not loving it.
- He's not. - He's not loving it.
496
00:20:55,036 --> 00:20:57,866
- No, he's not. (yells)
- He might go kill himself.
497
00:20:58,445 --> 00:21:00,198
(noisemakers blare)
498
00:21:00,310 --> 00:21:10,310
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther