Hello, Charlie Kelly here,
local business owner and
Is your cat making too much
noise all the time?
Is your cat constantly stomping
around, driving you crazy?!
Is your cat clawing at your
furnitures?
Think there's no answer?
You're so stupid!
There is!
Kitten Mittens.
Finally, there's an elegant
comfortable mitten for cats.
I couldn't hear anything.
Is your cat one-legged?
Is your cat fat, skinny, or an
in-between?
That doesn't matter
'cause one size fits all.
Kitten Mittens: you'll be
smitten.
So come on down to Paddy's Pub.
We're the home of the Original
Kitten Mittens.
Me-ow!
So, lately, at night,
I've been forced to fall asleep
to the deafening sound of, like,
a hundred alley cats tapping on
my windows, trying to get in.
You know what I mean?
Thus, Kitten Mittens, right?
I'm making a quieter cat.
And then I made the sales tape
when I heard about the
merchandising convention.
Ooh, question.
Mac, go.
Uh, what merchandising convention?
They're having one down at
the Sheraton, all right?
So I figured what a better place
to, like, find investors for my
product?
What do moronic
Kitten Mittens have to do with
our bar?
Okay, one: they're not
moronic, they're awesome, and
two: uh, nothing.
Uh, Charlie, I
kinda like this.
I might jump in on this with you
here.
I think it's a good idea.
We could do T-shirts; we could
do beach towels, those nudie
pens.
It's about time, you know, we
get some merchandise in here and
I start making some money off
this place.
What? What are you talking
about?
You're not gonna make any money
off this place.
You don't own a piece of the bar.
No, but I own a hundred
percent of the merchandising.
It's in my contract.
What contract?
The contract you had me sign
when I first started working
here.
What?!
Dee, we got you to sign that
contract so we could pay you
less than minimum wage, okay?
We're never gonna merchandise
anything in the bar.
But now we are.
To be honest, I don't even
remember signing any kind of
contract.
Oh, you don't remember.
Did it slip your mind?
That's okay 'cause it's right
here.
I keep it in this drawer so that
you two jerks don't try...
Hey, hey, wait, what are you
doing?!
You son of a bitch!
Well, that doesn't nullify it,
you know.
Oh, why, do you have another
copy?
I... don't!
I don't, but you can't just go
eat a contract!
He just did eat it.
All right, I'm talking to a
lawyer about this.
You don't have a leg
to stand on.
Yeah, go ahead.
This is making me think maybe
I should slap a patent on my
Kitten Mittens before you guys
try and steal that, too, huh?
I can see it in your eyes.
You're all over this, aren't
you?
You know, I gotta say, Mac,
my instinct to steal this idea
is very strong.
Kitten Mittens?
No, idiot, merchandising in
the bar.
I'm thinking we take this
merchandising convention as an
opportunity to make merchandise
for Paddy's.
Right.
You know, like, expand our
brand, you know, make a little
money!
Who's gonna buy merchandise
through a bar that they've never
been to?
Uh, hello, Frank?
I've never been to Fiji.
All right, well, how about,
like, hard-boiled eggs from
Paddy's Bar?
Green eggs, it says "Paddy's" on
'em, you keep 'em on your desk
when you go to work?
Who's gonna want to keep a
hard-boiled egg on their desk
at work?
Oh, all right, then you put
it on your dashboard of your
car.
It's just a jumping-off point.
Frank, keeping hard-boiled
eggs on your desktop or the
dashboard of your car is not a
jumping-off point.
Get the hell out of here, all
right?
Let us concentrate on doing the
merchandising idea.
Clearly you don't get it, so...
I don't get it?!
You don't get it!
I don't get it?!
You don't get it!
Oh, yeah?!
We'll see who doesn't get it!
Okay.
Yeah!
All right!
All right, Charlie, remember,
this lawyer is not a big fan of
ours.
We're probably gonna have to
turn the charm up a little bit
in the beginning, you know
what I mean?
I got a plan on how we can do
that, too.
You see this picture of his wife
right here?
What if we, like, compliment
her good looks?
That, you know, gets us off on
a good foot, right?
Are you kidding me?
That woman looks like a
stone-cold bitch,
and you know it.
And he knows it 'cause he turns
the picture away from him.
Well, I'm trying to make
lemonade here.
Uh-oh!
How did you get in here?!
Hey-ey-ey-ey!
Oh, we just...
There's the man!
...the old-fashioned way:
with doors and feet and walked.
You know, we were just
having a conversation about how
lovely your wife is.
I was was not participating
in that conversation 'cause I
don't find her lovely.
I think you're better than that.
I think you can do better than
that, and I mean that as a
compliment.
You are aware that there are
other lawyers in Philadelphia?
But the three of us have a
history.
Sure.
We have a past, if you will.
And Charlie and I really like
the fact that you don't charge.
I do charge, okay?
You don't pay.
We're both men of the law,
you know?
We get after it, you know?
We jabber-jaw, we go tit-for-
tat, we have our little
differences, but at the end of
the day, you win some, I win
some, and there's a mutual
respect left over between us.
No, any respect that you're
feeling that's coming from me is
a mistake on your part.
Then I'll just regress
because I feel like I've made
myself myself perfectly
Yes, you have.
I'm lost, so I'm just gonna
get down to brass tacks.
I got a question for you.
Does a legal document hold up
in a court of law if it has been
ingested by the other party?
I'm not sure.
Now mind you, the heretofore
document had, had dry ink on it
for at least many forknights,
uh, hereto...
We signed it a long time ago.
It was a long time ago
signed.
I'm also gonna need a patent for
the Kitten Mittens.
I'm sure you do.
I was gonna ask you, "Hey, need
Kitten Mitten patents?"
That's them.
I'm sorry, sir, but they locked
me in a closet.
Yo, dude-dude-dude, I'm ready
to show you my idea.
Me, too. All right, let me go
first, bro.
No, I tell you what.
Let me show you mine, and then
you can go first.
Then I'd be going second.
Yeah, great, okay, now
listen, when we're selling stuff
at Paddy's, I think we need to
be selling a certain attitude,
right?
One that reflects our
take-no-prisoners,
rock-and-roll lifestyle.
Okay?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Now what says that more than
this?
Huh? Paddy's Thong, dude!
Paddy's Thong!
You're wearing women's
underwear.
Yeah, bro, you bet your ass
I'm wearing women's underwear.
What's more sexual than a
high-waisted thong riding high
up a woman's backside?
Nothing. Dude, come on.
Paddy's Thongs, it's gonna be a
huge hit with chicks.
Okay, all right.
Uh, question.
Yeah, Mac, go.
Dennis, are women gonna
want to buy their underpants in
a bar?
No, women will not buy their
underwear in a bar, but men will
buy the underwear for their
women in the bar because it's
not for women, it's for men.
It's a visual stimulant, bro.
I'm not wearing these because
I'm comfortable, I'm wearing
them 'cause I want to turn you
on, you know what I'm saying?
You get it?
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, bro, it's visual
stimulation.
Can I go now?
Yeah, sure.
'Cause it's kind of...
I've been waiting for a long
time. Okay.
Okay, I'm thinking to myself,
what do people love more than
anything else in the world?
Uh...
They love comedy!
They do love comedy.
Everybody loves comedy,
right?
So, and I'm funny, I-I can do
funny.
But you got to have
functionality with your comedy,
okay?
You can't just go throwing
jokes around willy-nilly.
Oh.
So I did one of those.
You drew a man's buttocks
on a towel.
Yeah.
You get out of the shower in the
college dorm, they got the butt,
right, and people are laughing.
Your buddies are laughing.
And then, and then you give them
one of these.
Boom.
Oh, that is big!
That's a big monster dick.
That's huge.
That's the biggest dick
you ever seen.
Yeah, that's really...
That's not how you see yourself
though?
That's funny.
That is funny.
That's funny.
Yeah, people are gonna laugh
at that.
But, bro, that's just the
What is it?
For this.
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!
Oh, it's a baby dick.
Yeah!
We're gonna sell a million of these.
We are gonna sell a
We'll do black ones and
yellow ones for the Asians.
Yeah, that...
This is probably more Asian
than anything else.
Yeah, oh, my gosh.
Maybe a little bit more bush.
You know what we should do?
We should set up a Web site for
it.
Already did it.
You did?
DickTowel.com.
Oh, my God.
You don't think I know
Oh, Jesus Christ!
I don't get it?!
Huh? Open your mouth, bitch!
What?!
Prepare to be blasted, bitch.
Brenda!
This is my new merchandising
idea.
It's a gun that shoots liquor
into your mouth.
You threw tequila in my eye!
Well, I haven't figured out
how to get the tequila to come
out of the barrel of the gun.
Well, what the hell does she
have to do with anything?
Check her out.
I mean, she's gorgeous.
You bring a woman with cans like
that into the convention, you
sell the idea in a second.
So this is your plan?
You're gonna go into the
convention waving a gun in
people's faces, throwing tequila
in everybody's eyes with a
big-titted woman?
Duh, yeah.
Frank, get the hell out of
here!
Your ideas are ridiculous!
Okay, okay.
Suck on this, bitches.
Huh? Huh?
Paddy's Pub.
A stress ball.
You give this to people, they
put it on their desk, and then
during the day, you squeeze it
when you have any tension.
Right.
Oh, goddamn it, Frank!
That's just an egg!
It's a jumping-off point.
Get out!
All right.
Get the hell out of here!
Just get the hell out of here.
Don't even listen to them.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, we're stealing that
gunshot idea, right?
Gunshot idea is awesome.
You see any sign of that
lawyer or his secretary?
No, and I don't know
why you think we're gonna catch
them having an affair.
I mean, the guy's wife is really
hot.
No, she's not.
And also, why does he turn her
picture away from him?
So he doesn't have to look at
her face.
Why are we in this shady motel
where we saw him go in?
I'm telling you, he's-he's
banging that secretary.
I don't know.
It just doesn't add up.
She's an attractive lady.
You don't cheat on...
She's not attractive.
Oh, my God!
What?
The woman in the room right
next to him, she just ate an
entire sleeve of Chips Ahoy!
Charlie, could you focus on
the lawyer's room, please?
We're not here to blackmail a
lady for eating too many
cookies.
Did you say an entire sleeve
though?
An entire sleeve!
That's a lot of cookies.
She a big lady?
Of course, she's a humungous
lady.
Yeah, of course.
Oh, shit, I see him.
He's walking towards the car.
He's walking towards the car!
Get down! Shh!
Why's he coming towards us?!
Get down and hold still.
All right.
Um, so what are you people doing
in my car now?
Okay, let me explain that.
Uh...
Yeah.
We were staking you out last
night, kind of spying on you.
It got a little cold.
Freezing, wasn't it?
Did you feel that?
So we jimmied your lock and
we kind of spent the night in
here.
Okay, uh, so why were you
spying on me all night?
Because you're having an
affair and we're gonna blackmail
you for your services.
Okay, I hate to disappoint
you, but I am not having an
affair.
Oh, yeah?
Then why do you turn your wife's
picture away from your desk so
you don't have to look at her
face?
Why are you staying in this
seedy motel?
And why does it look like you've
been crying all night.
I'll tell you what I think.
I think you feel guilty.
All right, listen, if you
must know...
my wife is leaving me.
And I have to sleep in this
fleabag motel.
And I am still very much in love
with my wife, which makes this
divorce very difficult.
Thus, you have the turning away
of the photo, and you have, you
know, the crying episodes and
the what-have-you.
Sad.
Okay, that's our bad.
That-- it all comes together.
That makes a lot of sense,
though.
In a different way than I
thought...
Coming-- is the picture sort
of coming together for you?
You must be all ripped up
about that.
So do you want to have a
conversation about helping us
out with our Kitten Mitten patent?
Yeah, I've got this
contract...
You know what? If, um...
Why don't you get out of my car?
Why don't you just get out of
my car.
You've had a hard
couple of days.
Okay, consumer, are you ready
to get blasted in the mouth by
Paddy's shotgun?!
One, two, three!
Goddamn it, dude!
You just cannot blast water out
of a gun.
The technology is just not
there.
No, I mean, they did sort of
figure it out with water guns,
so I don't know why we...
Yeah, but a water gun doesn't
have the same feel to it.
You want to feel the weight
of a real gun in your mouth.
You want to taste the metal.
You want to feel the steel, man,
you know?
Okay, bro, new plan.
Yeah.
Let's just make a video,
show that at the convention.
Not like Charlie's video
though.
Ours needs to be cool.
No, no, dude, way cooler than
Charlie's.
With, like, quick cuts and
awesome music and eagles
flying through the air and
picking up trout out of rivers
and shit, ripping it apart and
eating it, you know?
That'll excite people!
Yeah.
They'll want to invest.
And then we'll let the braniacs
in China figure out the
technology.
Yeah, but the point is, it's
got to really grab people's
attention, you know what I mean?
All right, I did a little
tweaking and...
What is that?
Paddy's shotgun, bro!
You get blasted in the mouth!
You stole my idea!
No, no, no, Frank, we tweaked
your idea.
We took what was a good idea and
we made it a great idea.
We're also gonna get a bustier
chick.
No offense, ma'am.
You're very busty.
Your breasts are very large.
But, uh, we want to go weird
with it.
We want to get really freakish.
Um, I would like to get your
number actually though at some
point.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, look!
You can't just take somebody's
idea, change the name of it,
and then sell it.
That's the American way, bro.
Yeah!
Yeah, take a look at Hard
Rock Cafe.
Got tweaked by Planet Hollywood.
Coke got tweaked by Pepsi.
Transformers got tweaked by
Gobots.
Our job is to step aside and let
the consumer decide.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I'm gonna get a patent for
this and sue your balls off!
And we're gonna get a
patent, too, Frank, so screw
you.
Kiss it.
Knock, knock.
Boyfriend!
Hey, we got you a little
something to take your mind off
your current wife situation.
Sandy, have a seat right here.
Yeah, yeah.
This is Sandy!
Yep, and everything's been
taken care of financially, okay?
She's been briefed on the
divorce.
She knows all about
everything that's going on.
And, you know, because you've
been talking about the whole
money thing a little bit...
Yeah, you said that we hadn't
paid you, and we felt bad about
that.
So we're kind of hoping that
this is sort of a compensation
of sorts.
Sandy does that.
Sandy.
She's the payment.
Lawyer, check out this
freakish whore we found.
Hey.
Whoa.
What the hell are you guys doing
here?
I came to see the lawyer to
sue you for breach of contract.
What's with the busty chick?
We're gonna throw a patent on
her and a couple of other
things.
Now I see that you have a lovely
busty woman as well.
Yeah.
We brought one.
Well, she's a lady of the
night, so...
She's a prostitute.
So, you know, don't get too
excited.
And she's his lady because
he's going through a messy
divorce...
Yeah, we paid her.
...so we're going to have
them have some sexual relations
as sort of a payment.
Oh, wow, divorce, huh?
That's never fun.
Oh, yeah, no, it's terrible.
He's all broken up about it.
She left him, probably because
he cheated on her, I'm guessing,
'cause look what a cold bitch
she is.
It's a mess.
He's been crying.
I'll tell you what, buddy.
I can help you out.
I'm gonna toss a frame bang
your way.
Now here's how that works.
I slip into your house one night
while your wife is sleeping, and
I ease into her real nice.
And that way you're both
cheating on each other and she
can't clean you out.
That's a win-win.
Goddamn shoes.
Can't run in them.
Aw, son of a...
Come on in.
What-what's with the broads?
You're stealing that idea, too?
No, we're not...
Yes, you are.
We're tweaking...
We're tweaking your idea.
You're stealing that idea.
You're stealing my idea!
Stop, stop. Everyone stop!
I will take care of all of your
legal needs, if each of you
agrees to never seek my legal
advice again.
What?
Great.
Okay.
For free?
No problem.
And you promise not to break
into my home and rape my wife
while she's sleeping.
Bro, rape?
I wasn't talking about raping
your wife.
I was talking about making love
to her sweetly while she sleeps.
And I was going to do it for
you, you son of bi...
All right, fine, I won't do it.
Great.
Now we're all here.
Let's get into it.
Deandra...
Yeah.
You want to sue these guys
over some sort of breach of
contract thing?
Yes, this one ate a contract
that said I got all the rights
to the Paddy's Pub merchandise.
That never happened.
It happened.
Okay, why don't you throw out
the suit if they agree to sign a
contract that grants you 50% of
the merchandizing rights for
Paddy's Pub.
50%... I'll take it.
Deal.
Yes!
What the hell are you
doing, dude?
I'll just eat the contract
later.
We would also like to make a
patent on Paddy's Shotgun and
this very large-breasted woman
who's going to be shooting the
gun into your face.
Objection.
This is not a court of law.
Sustained.
Frank, move to strike.
They stole my idea.
Open your mouth.
Whoa.
How did you get that much
propulsion on the gun?
I made tequila bullets, but I
guess I put too much
gunpowder in.
New deal.
We are taking that propulsion
and putting it in our shotgun.
No, no, no.
That deal sucks.
Okay, why don't you just use
both guns?
That's an even better idea.
Two guns, six boobs-- we're all
on the same team.
Okay, I like that idea.
Yeah, I like that.
And you-you want a right to
the Cat Gloves...
Mittens, dude. Pay attention.
I'm sorry, sir.
They duct-taped me to the
bathroom sink.
How in the hell did she get
out of that?
I don't know.
Next up we have submission
35-- a potential investment
opportunity in merchandising for
a, uh, a Paddy's Pub.
You're really sweaty.
Well, my eyes are really
burning here, Charlie.
Start again, start again.
Yeah, that's good.
Action, Frank.
Go, Frank, now, go.
Frank, just do that...
Say the line now.
Let me have a drink.
How about a shot?
What the...?!
Paddy's Pub-- home of the
original Shotgun and Gunshot.
Are you shooting me?
Shoot the girls.
Two shots as they were
intended-- by blasting them
directly into your mouth!
Awesome.
I'm wasted.
But that's not all.
Dick towel...
.com.
Nudie pen.
Egg.
So come on, dude, invest in
our merchandise and get blasted!
Okay.
Why don't we just take a break.
That did not look cool.
No. Well, we had to edit
while we shot, you know.
We just didn't have time.
God, that was terrible.
Does your cat walk around
too much?
Does your cat make too much
noise?
Guess who just found some
investors for Kitten Mittens?
I told you.
People love stupid shit.
Why do you keep calling it
stupid, though?
It's really pretty stupid.
Why do you keep calling it
stupid?
But people are stupid too,
Hello.
Hi.
What's up, man?
What are you doing here?
Congratulations on the sale.
Thank you very much.
Oh, you were there.
Yeah. How much money am I
going to make?
Do what, now?
Oh, the contract that you all
blindly signed grants me 100%
of the profits from any
merchandising opportunities from
your little bar.
And Kitten Mittens-- I own that.
I had to get paid by you people
somehow.
Well, that's what the hooker
was for.
Dude.
All right, touché.
Yeah, you outlawyered me there,
okay?
Tell you what, though, let's
split Kitten Mittens 50-50, and
then you'll never see me again.
Wow, 50-50.
Let me think about that.
How about if I never see you
again because the contract that
you all signed also included a
restraining order...
...which you're all
currently violating.
Uh, excuse me, sir, can I see
these supposed documents that
you have?
Why, yes.
In fact, I happen to have that
right here.
I knew it! I knew it!
Still, you wouldn't have to
be edible.
Right in your face.
You know, fortunately, I made
hundreds of copies of that.
So why don't you all have just a
nice day.
You can probably stop
eating that now.
Sync by ReHelen - corrected by chamallow35