No...
What do you think? It's kind of doing nothing for my hip area and making a mess of my boobs.
You know? Why don't you grab five more.
Look, we don't normally do this, but...
...i think i'm gonna need some proof that you're actually getting married.
What? Why?
Because you've been coming in here and trying on wedding dresses every saturday...
...for over a year now.
Yes, that's 'cause it takes a really long time to plan on wedding.
Don't get up all over my balls, Lucy, just go get the dresses.
- When is the wedding? - Soon.
- Where? - At church.
- Which one? - The nearby one.
- The nearby one? - The... Right down the street.
- Which street? - Spring.
- What is your fiance's name? - Sam.
- What is he do? - S... Salt.
Salt?
Sea salt. Sea salt.
He's a salt... Seaman.
He dives into the ocean for the sea salt,
and then he brings it back up and then, we eat it. So...
- Okay, i'm getting the manager. - But... Don't get the...
Damn it.
Dee Reynolds?
- Yes. - Brad Fisher. From high school.
Brad Fisher. No way!
You look amazing.
Your acne cleared up really well!
I kinda grew into myself.
Yes, you did. Yes, you did!
Why did i ever break up with you?
- It was because of the acne. - Was it because of the acne?
Yes, when i got real bad, you dumped me and you said...
...it was because i was gonna grow up to look like Edward James Olmos.
I don't really remember saying exactly that.
It's fine, we were kids.
We were kids! We're not kids anymore.
- No. - Great.
- So you're getting married, wow! - Yes. No, i'm not.
This is because i was. But that didn't work out.
Why are you asking? Are you single with your situation?
I'm engaged.
That's why i'm here, my fiancee is try on a dress,
i know i'm not supposed to see it before the wedding
but we're having a whole not traditional, kinda small thing.
So, you should meet her. Babe!
Come here for second, i want you to meet a friend of mine.
- What do you think of this one, Brad? - It's beautiful.
Oh my god!
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Season 5 Episode 5
Translate: Joe_Le_Taxi
Okay...
Don't poke at it.
Just get it safely down into the box.
Dude, you're gonna agitate the bees.
I'm fine with the bees. It's the honey i don't wanna agitate.
Is that your end game here? Honey?
Yeah, i figure we keep the hive in the basement and we all have save honey.
We always have bees is what we always have.
- What? - I think i just saw a wasp.
- You think that it was a wasp? - Did you see that?
- It was a wasp, right? - Is this a wasp nest?
- This is a wasp nest. - I'm out.
I don't wanna tango with the bunch of wasps.
Do wasp make honey?
No, wasps do not make honey.
I'm gonna check it out anyway.
There could be something delicious in here that wasp do make.
I want that.
Mac, Dennis, can i talk to you in the office, please?
- Why can't we just talk right here? - Because it's private.
That sounds like a whole thing. I'm not into it.
Shit. I just got stung. There was a hornet.
This is a hornet's nest.
You know what guys? Why don't we step into back office
while Charlie deals with this whole hornet wasp situation.
Am i a bad boy? I'm a bad boy?
Put some vegetable oil on it. That'll make you feel better.
Okay. Bye, sexy.
Who was that?
That's my booty call, we're into some really weird food fetish stuff.
- Gross. - Okay, you guys,
listen up, we have a serious problem.
The waitress is getting married.
Yeah, i heard about that, Artemis told me.
Since when do you talk to Artemis?
She's my booty call.
Weird. We're get into that later.
Right now, we gotta deal with this waitress situation.
Dee, why do you give a shit about the waitress is getting married?
- She has been nothing but trouble for us. - Good point.
She doesn't seem to get our sense of humor,
- we do stuff that i think it's funny... - Hilarious.
Guys! I cannot believe you're not thinking about Charlie right now,
- this is gonna crush him. - You don't give a shit about Charlie,
all your care about is that the waitress is getting married before you.
That or she's afraid that Charlie might blow his brains out...
and then she have to do all the Charlie work.
- That's what it is. - Okay, fine.
A) I don't wanna do Charlie's work once he kills himself.
B) How could the waitress getting married before me?
I'm way hotter than she is.
And C) Get this,
the guy she's marrying used to be my boyfriend.
You know what I just realized, i don't care about anything she saying.
But i do care about is the fact that Charlie might...
...go postal if he finds about this
and kill all of us.
Right. Shit, we're probably the ones who real rescuer.
We'll just find something to distract him until the whole wedding thing blows over.
Get him his own booty call.
or at least another chick to stalk.
Great in the mean time, I'll try to sabotage the wedding
by luring Brad away from her.
Dee, save yourself to embarrassment.
Let's... Watch out for the hornets.
Don't push me.
Hey yo! Hey what's..what are you doing there buddy?
I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so i can get their honey,
but they keep flying up the tube, stinging me
on my face and I think I just swallowed one.
As i tried to explain before,
you can not get honey from a hornet's nest.
I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.
There is some very basic science out there supporting that. -No no. Trust me, pal.
- It's actually a fact. It's not even science. - Why are you even bothering getting into this...
- I don't know, i just feel like... - Charlie,
we're gonna get you back on the dating scene,bro. ?
That's actually why we here, we're gonna put your profile on Match.com.
I don't see why, i got the waitress, guys.
Yeah, but we thought maybe you can meet somebody new.
Someone you like even more than the waitress.
I don't see that's possible.
But i tell you what, let me pop a quick H on this box,
this way we all know that it's filled with hornets. Okay?
Okay, do what you gotta do.
These things sting like a bitch, man.
First thing we're gotta do is, we're gotta take your picture for the profile, so...
- So do you have the make up? - No make up.
That's hornet's stings are pretty bad, buddy..
I am who i am.
Right, but... Let's do who you are...
Let's pretend you're not who you are and just try to attract a woman.
I'll tell you what. What if I wore a checkered hat and smoked a pipe?
That'd work.
Why would you want a checkered hat and a pipe?
You know, for the Sherlock Holmes look.
Why would you want to look like Sherlock Holmes?
- Who are you trying to attract exactly? - Intelligent women.
I'm just gonna take the photo right now, without the makeup, and see if he likes it. Ready?
Oh, that felt good. Was that sexy?
That’s.. uhh, We'll Photoshop it.
Yeah, I can see where this is going. Let's just not do that right now.
- Wanna take another one? - No.
We'll find your another picture that we can use.
Let's talk about your likes and dislikes.
How about your favorite food. What would that be?
Milksteak.
- What? - Milksteak.
- I'm not putting milksteak. - Just put steak.
- I'm gonna put steak. - Don't put steak,
put milksteak. She'll know what it is.
No she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is.
Okay, alright. What's your favorite hobby?
Magnets.
Okay, what, making magnets? Collecting magnets?
- Playing with magnets? - Just magnets.
I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding.
I don't really snowboard.
- Alright, what are some of your likes? - Ghouls.
Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
You know, funny little green ghouls. Go...
What? Like in movies, in cartoons?
Little green ghouls, buddy!
- Don't write ghouls! - I'm not!
I'm putting travel, Jesus Christ. What are your dislikes?
- People's knees. - Come on, dude!
You know what? We'll just make up all up.
We'll make the whole thing up. Let's get out of here.
We'll doctor the picture, we'll make it up.
- We aren’t even going to use you for this. - Cover your knees up
if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.
Where are you?
Come on.
Bingo, bitch!
Hey you guys, how are you?
Alright, calm down! I'll be two seconds.
Hi, how are you?
- What are you doing? - Okay, so listen up.
I was thinking since Brad you were saying how your wedding was gonna be poor,boring or dull...
Did you say our wedding was gonna be dull?
- I said it was gonna be small. - Small, that exactly what it was.
Anyway i was thinking i can help you guys out
by throwing you a bachelorette party
And, Brad, you can totally come,
since you guys decided to do that non-traditional mumbo jumbo.
I think we're good.
You know what, i kinda would like to meet some of your friends.
Hold on here, what am i hearing? You haven't met some of her great friends?
Well, it's just because this happened really quickly.
So, is it a yes or no? 'Cause you're kinda holding up traffic here.
It's just... It's rude.
I think it sounds great.
Ok, perfect, wonderful. We've got a deal. See you guys tomorrow night in my place at 8.
Bye Brad, good to see you.
Ok, calm down, dick wads, it wasn't that bad.
Deandra, you got any bacon bits?
We like to put 'em in Artemis's hair
and they rain down on me when we bang.
I feel like a Cobb salad. It's amazing.
Okay, I have no idea why anyone would wanna feel like a Cobb salad,
but, whatever, that's good. Bring that up when Brad is here.
Alright, Mrs. Mac?
Make sure that you talk about how the waitress
looks exactly like you, when you were young.
Right? Remember that. There's a whole carton of cigarettes in it for you.
Mrs. Kelly, remember...
...this man that i'm bringing over, he wants to...
- steal the love of your son's life away. - Nobody hurts my Charlie.
That's good, keep that up, and keep the drinking coming,
'cause it makes you get all weird.
Alright, this is...
They're here, is everyone ready?
You guys got it? Okay.
Here they are!
Sorry we're late, somebody took a little convincing.
Yes, i really didn't wanna come, but Brad insisted.
You big old fat stick in the mud.
Come on in, you guys.
They're here, everybody.
- What's up? - Here you go, would you like some punch?
- Is there alcohol in this? - No, no, no absolutely not.
I remember what an embarrassing problem you have with alcohol.
Brad, did you know about her unfortunate problems with drugs and alcohol?
- It's just alcohol. - Is it? - And he's aware.
I thought there was like cocain and heroin,
and remember when you were shooting out with the homeless people
and banging for money on the street.
No, wow you're making all of that up.
Really? No, no, no, you know what, you're absolutely right.
I'm confusing you with the another pathetic, drunk that i know.
So you can still have fun, can't you Brad?
- I can. - Let's get beer.
- You look really nice tonight. - Thank you, so do you.
Alright listen, you're gonna be your best tonight.
This chick is a lawyer, she's gonna be pretty sharp.
- So stick with the game plan, alright? - She's a lawyer, i like that.
- He's sweating through his shirt. - I know, listen, you remember your back story?
No? You don't remember your back story?
Listen, you're a philanthropist, that's what you are.
You used to on a small business, but you gave all they up to help others.
Who do i help? Who am i helping?
It doesn't matter. I don't know, old people,
children autistics, dyslexic folks...
- It really doesn't matter, Charlie. - I'm a flan...
- Phi-lan-thro-pist. - Dude i can't get it, how do you say, what it is?
- Philanthropist. - Philanthropist!
Oh my God! What was that?
Is that cheese? Have you eaten cheese?
How much cheese have you eaten today?
How much cheese is too much cheese?
Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese.
I had a lot of cheese. I had a block of cheese.
You had a block of cheese today!?
I was very nervous, and start eating cheese man!
- Alright, alright. - Does that calm you down?
Just don't breathe in her direction, okay? Whatever you do.
- How do i look? - Relax, stick to the game plan.
- Do i look handsome? - You look great.
Ok, so I thought we would play a game, sort of a newlywed type of game...
...and see how well you two know each other. Okay?
Question number one.
Who broke Brad's heart in high school...
and feels really bad about it?
Me. I broke Brad's heart in high school,
and I feel really bad about it. Okay?
Wait, you went to high school with us?
Yeah, I sat right next to you in Trig.
Huh. Wow, you are very forgettable.
Anyway, I will have you all know...
that I also broke Brad's heart in high school, so…
You dated Dee?
- Briefly. Yeah. - We dated hard. Yep.
Both you girls dumped him because of his pizza face.
Oh, okay. Question number two.
How many people in the room have... had sex with the bride to be?
Uh, just me i hope.
Whoops. Nuh uh. Over here guy.
Okay, you know what,that was a really dark time in my life, and it was a terrible mistake.
No, it's true, to be fair, it's true. She's in love with my brother,
they have a sex tape together, this guy came along…
I used to look like her. Gimme me my cigarettes.
Wait, I didn't tell you to go...
Everybody's stealing my Charlie!
- Oh my god. What the hell? - Okay, Brad,
- i think it's time for us to go. - We're gonna leave.
- Alright. - No, no no, Brad don't leave yet.
I'm sorry, hold on no, no, don't leave.
Oh you bitch!
God damn it! I should be the one who getting married!
This is depressing. You wanna go get sweaty in the bathroom?
Sure. Do you?
No, no one is getting sweaty in my bathroom, just get out of here.
Okay, we'll go get sweaty in the Wendy's bathroom.
Great, go have sex at Wendy's.
Wonderful, get out of here.
- This party sucks. - You suck!
I need a ride.
Oh, really? I ain't giving you shit you old bitch!
Oh my god. You can't barrow salad dressing
or condiments or anything else...
I forgot something.
Oh, what?
I forgot to tell you...
I still love you.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Are you Charlie Kelly? - Yeah, i am.
- Sorry, i'm late - You're Jackie?
Yes, i am. Are you alright?
Yeah, this? I was running.
Okay, because you're bleeding.
Oh shit. Is it bleeding again? I'm sorry.
These are hornet's stings, you know?
I run into a lot of hornets in my line of work,
i got stung up bad all over my face....
You know, then it starts bleeding.
- Sounds interesting. - Yeah.
- What is it that you do again? - I'm like a janit...
I'm a... full-on rapist. You know?
Africans, dyslexics, children, that sort of thing.
I'm sorry, Did you say you're a full-on rapist?
No...
No, no, no. I help people, you know what i mean?
I'm a, ph-a philan- a... ph-a philan...
- A philanthropist? - Yeah! That's exactly what it is.
It gets blocked up in my mouth, I don't say it no goods.
I'm a janitor at a bar.
God, dude i'm sucking ass.
Yeah, dude. You said you were full-on rapist.
I went crazy in the brain for second, and my eyes rolled like...
- I couldn't think straight. - Your shirt is ruined.
I know. Give me your shirt.
What? It's a totally different shirt.
- Yeah, can i get it? - How the hell are you gonna explain that?
I'll say i met a nice guy in the bathroom and we trade the shirts.
Are you listening to yourself? Jesus Christ!
- I'm freakin' out. - Okay, new plan.
Charlie, make a move. Just tell her you wanna bang her.
No.
- Is that how he get chance? - He's gotta fifty-fifty shot.
- That's a good point. - It's a yes or no scenario.
- It's a "no" scenario. - Why?
Don't approach her that way. That's not gonna work.
- Am i getting the shirt? - You're not gonna get the shirt.
This is what you're gonna do: go back out there, start to asking
questions about herself, talk to you're about being a lawyer.
- Okay? - I can do that.
Right? That's gonna work.
And if anything goes wrong i'll come out there, i'll say i'm the manager.
- Do you understand? - Okay, fine.
- I got it. - You got it?
- Alright. Great.
- Just go - Just go. Get out of here.
Hey, I'm sorry about that. It took a little while.
There was a guy in the bathroom, he wouldn't give me his shirt...
and i was fightin' him. I was like, 'Gimme your shirt bro'.
And he didn't want to give it to me and it was like a whole thing...
Hi, i'm the manager.
Mr. Kelly is one of our preferred customers.
- It's so wonderful to see you here. - Right, my good man.
Now i'm gonna want the milksteak boiled over hard...
...and a side of your finest jellybeans, raw.
Mr. Kelly you have the most wonderful sense of humor.
Hi, i own this joint, i know this guy here, he's loaded.
Mr. Kelly, we have your milk boiling just the way you like it back there for you.
- You're gonna like this. - How's about i clear out...
the coat room and you guys hit it in there
- while the steak is gettin' ready? - What?
- What in the hell are you doing? - I got this, he's gonna be great.
- Charlie, make a move. - No don't...
- Oh my god! - No!
I'm leaving!
You're grabbing her breast? What are you doing?
I don't know! What does "make a move" mean?
It doesn't mean stab at her breast with your fingers.
Come on, bro. You're ordering milksteak and jellybeans?!
- You guys blew it. - No you didn't stick the game plan.
It was going great, i had it man.
- You did not have. - You don't know shit about chicks man!
- I don't know shit about chicks? - Yeah!
Guess what, bro? The waitress is getting married, so suck on that!
I see.
Well, i suppose i'll be taking that milksteak to go then.
Yeah, i saw the Wendy's manager, his all : "You clean that up", and i said :
"It's your hamburger, you clean that up".
And then Artemis got all bombed-out because of something i did with the onions to myself.
- And now she won't talk to me. - Frank, i don't give a shit about any of this.
- Where is the baseball bat? - Baseball bat in the corner.
We're trying to arm ourselves, 'cause Charlie's gonna be here any minute
and he might to take us out, so...
Don't worry about Charlie. Charlie's over this.
In fact that i saw him on this morning. He said he was bringing a guy a congratulatory gift.
- Really? - Yeah.
Great.
Hi, what's this?
This is for your engagement, man.
You're a lucky dude and congratulations to you...
No, no. That's not happening anymore.
- We're not engaged. - You're not getting married?
No.
You are Charlie Kelly, right?
Yeah, i remember you from high school.
Hang on a second dude, you're not getting married?
Well...
Remember how everybody used to make fun of us in high school?
I remember how they made fun of you.
Anyway, i have been getting my revenge.
I've been getting engaged all these chicks who broke up with me at high school,
because of my acne, and then i dump them right before the wedding.
Damn!
I just got done that to coffee shop waitress, and now i'm gonna do it to this chick Dee Reynolds.
- Remember her, she was the worst. - Yeah.
Isn't that coffee shop waitress... She must have been hurt kinda bad though, right?
Yeah. Yeah. She was devistated.
I'll tell you what man?
Why you go ahead and have this present anyway.
- Really? - Yeah, i mean, i feel like you deserve it.
Thanks dude.
Keep it real man.
- Okay. Okay! - Alright.
Transcripted Joe_Le_Taxi