1
00:00:01,555 --> 00:00:02,881
My apartment is not a
spa.
2
00:00:02,979 --> 00:00:05,012
Dennis and I are gonna
take a soak.
3
00:00:05,146 --> 00:00:07,774
You and Dennis are going to
bathe together?
4
00:00:07,894 --> 00:00:10,366
It's that Turkish bath thing.
What are you worried about?
5
00:00:10,486 --> 00:00:12,051
Not worried about anything,
but my apartment is not a
6
00:00:12,186 --> 00:00:14,586
- Turkish bath, okay?
- Well, you know, this is
7
00:00:14,706 --> 00:00:18,438
- Dennis's apartment now, too.
- No. No, goddamn it, it's not,
8
00:00:18,558 --> 00:00:20,824
all right?
Mac and Dennis do not live here.
9
00:00:20,958 --> 00:00:23,294
Just...
Sick of you guys doing your
10
00:00:23,429 --> 00:00:26,898
stupid shit in my place.
11
00:00:27,032 --> 00:00:29,298
- What the hell is this?!
- One more! Wah!
12
00:00:29,433 --> 00:00:31,668
Stop!
13
00:00:31,802 --> 00:00:33,028
- Hey!
- Oh!
14
00:00:33,148 --> 00:00:34,668
- Good set, boys!
- What are you doing?
15
00:00:34,874 --> 00:00:37,511
Oh, Dee, this is Joe-Joe,
Tiny, Charlie you know.
16
00:00:37,646 --> 00:00:39,747
- I don't care.
- Together, we are Ass Kickers
17
00:00:39,881 --> 00:00:41,949
- United.
- Oh, you guys, come on,
18
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:43,919
please, I don't want you doing
your weird routines in here!
19
00:00:44,054 --> 00:00:46,569
It's not a routine, Dee, and
there is nothing weird about
20
00:00:46,689 --> 00:00:48,957
this, okay?
Ass Kickers United is a way of
21
00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:51,392
life, based on the life
improvement teachings of the
22
00:00:51,526 --> 00:00:53,794
- Master.
- What kind of cult shit is
23
00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:56,064
- that?
- No, no, it's not a cult,
24
00:00:56,199 --> 00:00:58,231
Frank.
The Master is the only human to
25
00:00:58,366 --> 00:01:00,268
ever achieve enlightenment
through the way of the warrior.
26
00:01:00,402 --> 00:01:04,274
- Stop, two, three.
- One, two, three, four. Stop.
27
00:01:13,723 --> 00:01:23,859
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
28
00:01:28,180 --> 00:01:30,122
Come on! Goddamn it!
29
00:01:30,327 --> 00:01:31,528
Frank, I can't get this fight
30
00:01:31,662 --> 00:01:33,263
milk out of the goddamn couch!
31
00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:35,097
Oh! Shit!
32
00:01:35,232 --> 00:01:37,062
It burned a hole in the cushion!
33
00:01:37,351 --> 00:01:39,196
That's probably the crotein.
34
00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:40,437
Don't get that on your skin!
35
00:01:40,550 --> 00:01:41,582
Oh! Frank, Frank,
36
00:01:41,716 --> 00:01:42,876
sorry I'm late, man, but, uh,
37
00:01:42,916 --> 00:01:43,984
good news.
38
00:01:44,118 --> 00:01:46,419
I brought checkers.
Oh, what's up, Dee?
39
00:01:46,554 --> 00:01:48,786
I got dominoes, and what the
hell is going on?
40
00:01:48,919 --> 00:01:49,805
Your place looks like shit.
What happened?
41
00:01:49,925 --> 00:01:50,902
Yeah, yeah, it does.
I'll tell you what happened.
42
00:01:51,022 --> 00:01:54,033
Mac and his goddamn Ass Blasters
Incorporated were in here
43
00:01:54,153 --> 00:01:56,631
- jerking around all day.
- Mac, Charlie and a bunch of
44
00:01:56,751 --> 00:01:58,838
- goons started a queer club.
- Hmm.
45
00:01:58,958 --> 00:02:02,533
- They got a newsletter.
- Oh, shit.
46
00:02:02,667 --> 00:02:04,968
"Ass Kickers United".
Oh, my God.
47
00:02:05,103 --> 00:02:07,370
- What?
- Dee, Mac didn't start this
48
00:02:07,504 --> 00:02:08,775
club.
I did.
49
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:11,694
- What are you talking about?
- Yeah. I, uh... I just made
50
00:02:11,814 --> 00:02:14,027
this shit up about Ass Kickers
United to get Mac to stop eating
51
00:02:14,147 --> 00:02:16,011
- my thin mints.
- Huh?
52
00:02:16,131 --> 00:02:18,443
You know how Mac is all
irritating and shit?
53
00:02:18,563 --> 00:02:19,666
- Of course.
- The worst!
54
00:02:19,786 --> 00:02:21,836
Right, well, he was doing all
this irritating shit, and he was
55
00:02:21,945 --> 00:02:24,012
driving me crazy.
Worst of all, he was eating all
56
00:02:24,147 --> 00:02:26,011
my thin mint cookies, and, so,
you know, playing on Mac's
57
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,148
physical insecurities, I decided
I would get in his head a little
58
00:02:28,283 --> 00:02:31,235
bit, so I created this Master
character, all right?
59
00:02:31,355 --> 00:02:33,223
I typed up this newsletter,
which was, you know, mostly
60
00:02:33,357 --> 00:02:36,543
about fitness and, like, just
kicking ass at life in general,
61
00:02:36,663 --> 00:02:38,159
just kind of speaking Mac's
language.
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00:02:38,279 --> 00:02:40,898
But mostly, I was speaking of
the dangers of consuming too
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00:02:41,033 --> 00:02:43,101
many thin mint cookies.
And I'll tell you, man, it
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00:02:43,235 --> 00:02:44,754
worked like charm, 'cause he
stopped eating thin mints almost
65
00:02:44,874 --> 00:02:47,306
- immediately.
- That is extremely impressive.
66
00:02:47,441 --> 00:02:49,538
- Oh.
- Dennis, I missed most of that
67
00:02:49,673 --> 00:02:51,112
last part.
Run it by me again.
68
00:02:51,232 --> 00:02:52,572
Frank, I just spoke for five
straight minutes.
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00:02:52,702 --> 00:02:54,662
- I'm not doing it again.
- Dennis started a cult.
70
00:02:54,705 --> 00:02:56,471
- No, I didn't start a cult.
- Yeah, sure sounds like a
71
00:02:56,605 --> 00:02:58,606
cult.
Hey, I got a great idea.
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00:02:58,740 --> 00:03:00,475
Why don't you type up another
newsletter and tell Mac and his
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00:03:00,611 --> 00:03:02,447
dumb-dumb friends to go and fix
up your apartment, right?
74
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:05,437
That way, you guys can get the
hell out of my place.
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00:03:05,557 --> 00:03:07,657
Or maybe get some broads
involved.
76
00:03:07,792 --> 00:03:09,760
Cults are great for attracting
new-age tail.
77
00:03:09,894 --> 00:03:11,561
No, guys, you can't go
straight to fixing apartments
78
00:03:11,695 --> 00:03:13,728
and getting young, new-age tail.
You can't do that.
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00:03:13,862 --> 00:03:15,142
That takes years of
brainwashing.
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00:03:15,224 --> 00:03:17,027
But here's the problem.
If you don't do that and write
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00:03:17,161 --> 00:03:18,929
the newsletter and fix up the
apartment, then I'm just gonna
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00:03:19,063 --> 00:03:21,164
- rat you out.
- No. Come on, Dee.
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00:03:21,298 --> 00:03:22,455
I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna
have to. You know why?
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00:03:22,575 --> 00:03:23,889
'Cause I'm up to here.
All right, I've had a very bad
85
00:03:24,009 --> 00:03:25,324
day, all right?!
I'm at the end of my rope, if
86
00:03:25,444 --> 00:03:26,733
- I'm being honest.
- Okay, okay, Dee, calm down.
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00:03:26,853 --> 00:03:29,515
All right, look, I'll test the
waters a little bit, okay, see
88
00:03:29,635 --> 00:03:31,899
- if we can get 'em there slowly.
- Maybe you can get 'em to eat
89
00:03:32,019 --> 00:03:34,432
a shit sandwich.
That would be fun.
90
00:03:34,552 --> 00:03:36,672
Why the would I...? What?!
No, this isn't about fun.
91
00:03:36,787 --> 00:03:39,212
This is about... it's about thin
mints, goddamn it! Right?
92
00:03:39,347 --> 00:03:41,582
And the reason I'm so good at
this is because I take it
93
00:03:41,716 --> 00:03:44,914
seriously.
Now, just watch and learn.
94
00:03:48,427 --> 00:03:51,130
Listen up!
According to the Master, guys,
95
00:03:51,264 --> 00:03:54,630
we're not getting enough vitamin
D, so, these stickers harness
96
00:03:54,765 --> 00:04:00,205
the power of the sun and deliver
it directly to our bodies, okay?
97
00:04:00,339 --> 00:04:02,473
And, apparently, guys, there's
another exercise.
98
00:04:02,607 --> 00:04:04,878
- Yes, sensei!
- Yeah!
99
00:04:05,013 --> 00:04:06,880
All right, now, they're
called hammer jerks, and it's
100
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:09,650
sort of like a... hammer, then
you bend.
101
00:04:09,784 --> 00:04:12,088
- Mm-hmm.
- Then you snap, then you jerk.
102
00:04:12,222 --> 00:04:14,489
- Ow.
- Then a hammer.
103
00:04:14,623 --> 00:04:16,891
- Hammer.
- Ow! Bend.
104
00:04:17,026 --> 00:04:19,294
- Bend, snap.
- Damn it.
105
00:04:19,428 --> 00:04:21,660
- Jerk.
- Oh, yeah.
106
00:04:21,794 --> 00:04:24,097
Hammer, bend, snap, jerk.
Hammer...
107
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:26,302
I can't believe they went for
the sticker thing.
108
00:04:26,436 --> 00:04:28,556
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Okay, so, time to dial it up
109
00:04:28,641 --> 00:04:30,741
a notch.
Let's put 'em to work and get
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00:04:30,875 --> 00:04:32,675
- 'em to your apartment.
- Yeah, we can't just dive into
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00:04:32,810 --> 00:04:33,899
that shit.
We talked about this.
112
00:04:34,019 --> 00:04:35,458
- It's a slow burn.
- They're wearing sticks on
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00:04:35,578 --> 00:04:37,354
- their heads. They're there.
- Look, look, look, stop.
114
00:04:37,474 --> 00:04:40,443
You guys are going crazy.
You're gonna blow the thin mint
115
00:04:40,563 --> 00:04:42,003
thing.
Will you just trust me?
116
00:04:42,123 --> 00:04:44,486
I got this.
I am the master.
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00:04:44,606 --> 00:04:47,694
I'm gonna get you what you want.
You just got to let me do my
118
00:04:47,830 --> 00:04:49,932
- thing.
- That-that-that sounds good.
119
00:04:50,067 --> 00:04:52,228
- Mm, yeah, okay.
- You gonna goddamn blow this for me?
120
00:04:52,268 --> 00:04:53,039
No.
121
00:04:53,276 --> 00:04:54,212
You're gonna blow the thin
mint thing?
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00:04:54,332 --> 00:04:56,157
No.
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00:05:01,177 --> 00:05:03,446
- "The Master sayeth."
Mm-hmm.
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00:05:03,580 --> 00:05:08,504
"Kicking ass in life is all
about drywall."
125
00:05:08,624 --> 00:05:10,893
- And pussy. Put "pussy".
- Goddamn, Frank, don't say
126
00:05:11,027 --> 00:05:13,295
"pussy".
It's disgusting. I'm not putting it.
127
00:05:13,977 --> 00:05:19,776
"To be a total badass, you
must learn carpentry."
128
00:05:19,896 --> 00:05:22,685
- Hmm.
- "Fixing apartments is what
129
00:05:22,819 --> 00:05:26,189
- you must do."
- And buy Wolf Cola.
130
00:05:26,323 --> 00:05:28,622
- Let's make some coin.
- Okay.
131
00:05:28,756 --> 00:05:35,405
"And buy Wolf Cola, the only
cola for true refreshment."
132
00:05:35,525 --> 00:05:37,791
- That's good.
- "Splash into the beast."
133
00:05:37,926 --> 00:05:39,280
- Mm-hmm, that's great.
- I know it is.
134
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,290
Cool it with the jerky, will
you?
135
00:05:40,410 --> 00:05:42,817
- You're driving me nuts.
- Now, put-put bring pussy.
136
00:05:42,937 --> 00:05:44,817
- Now, put it in.
- Goddamn it. All right, fine.
137
00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:46,566
Hey, listen, this is what I'll
do.
138
00:05:46,878 --> 00:05:53,137
"Ladies are now mandatory.
Each of you dick bags must
139
00:05:53,257 --> 00:05:57,053
recruit at least one woman."
Should we put anything else?
140
00:05:57,465 --> 00:05:59,865
- Make 'em eat a shit sandwich.
- What is it with you and the
141
00:05:59,870 --> 00:06:01,250
shit sandwich?
Do you really want to see
142
00:06:01,370 --> 00:06:03,358
somebody take a roll and stick
doody in it, and then they put
143
00:06:03,478 --> 00:06:06,015
it in their mouth?
God, you are so gross.
144
00:06:07,663 --> 00:06:10,115
Okay, so, how much for the
145
00:06:10,250 --> 00:06:11,101
- Wolf Colas?
- Five bucks a piece.
146
00:06:11,221 --> 00:06:12,661
Okay, great.
Ma, how many you want?
147
00:06:12,718 --> 00:06:14,908
- I'll take three.
- Okay. And Mrs. Mac?
148
00:06:15,382 --> 00:06:17,041
She'll have one.
149
00:06:17,161 --> 00:06:19,245
- Huh?
- One. Any more caffeine than
150
00:06:19,365 --> 00:06:20,331
that, and she will not stop
talking.
151
00:06:20,616 --> 00:06:22,651
Really? Oh, kind of want to
see that.
152
00:06:22,787 --> 00:06:24,722
Hey, Charlie, can I talk to
you for a second?
153
00:06:24,856 --> 00:06:26,889
- Yeah. What's up?
- Um, does all this seem kind
154
00:06:27,024 --> 00:06:30,429
- of strange to you?
- Huh? Uh, oh, you mean, the
155
00:06:30,549 --> 00:06:32,851
Wolf Cola thing?
Yeah. I was wondering.
156
00:06:32,985 --> 00:06:35,055
Like, how does the Master know
about Wolf Cola?
157
00:06:35,191 --> 00:06:37,224
Oh, he's an aficionado of
all beverages.
158
00:06:37,359 --> 00:06:39,424
He's gonna know the finest of
colas.
159
00:06:39,558 --> 00:06:41,627
Oh, oh, you mean, the
carpentry thing. Yeah.
160
00:06:41,761 --> 00:06:43,631
No. Throughout history, uh,
Ass Kickers have always known
161
00:06:43,766 --> 00:06:46,069
carpentry.
Jesus Christ, Harrison Ford.
162
00:06:46,204 --> 00:06:48,442
Right, okay.
What are you talking about?
163
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,875
- The women. The women, dude.
- Oh.
164
00:06:51,009 --> 00:06:53,242
This is supposed to be a
men's club, you know?
165
00:06:53,376 --> 00:06:56,310
- Who wants that around?
- Oh. Uh...
166
00:06:56,445 --> 00:06:58,544
I don't know.
I'm kind of cool with it.
167
00:06:58,679 --> 00:07:00,545
Also, I don't ever remember
anything in the newsletters
168
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,547
- about no women.
- It could not have been more
169
00:07:02,682 --> 00:07:06,884
- clear: No women, no gays.
- I don't ever remember you
170
00:07:07,018 --> 00:07:09,155
- reading anything about that.
- It was implied, okay?
171
00:07:09,289 --> 00:07:12,159
Look, in these kind of texts,
you need to be able to in-infer
172
00:07:12,293 --> 00:07:14,928
what's be...
Look, I'll explain it to you
173
00:07:15,063 --> 00:07:17,164
later.
I think I'm just gonna...
174
00:07:17,299 --> 00:07:20,166
- I needed some time off.
- Whoa. Hey, man, you can't
175
00:07:20,301 --> 00:07:22,271
take a day off from kicking ass,
okay?
176
00:07:22,405 --> 00:07:24,274
Look, an Ass Kicker must be
present every day.
177
00:07:24,408 --> 00:07:25,909
An Ass Kicker must do the
exercises.
178
00:07:26,043 --> 00:07:27,911
An Ass Kicker must avoid thin
mints.
179
00:07:28,045 --> 00:07:30,080
I know the rules, okay?
I don't need to...
180
00:07:30,216 --> 00:07:32,685
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.
I'm just gonna go.
181
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:35,754
- You're just gonna go?!
- I mean...
182
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:38,324
- I mean...
- Okay, I'm taking the men with
183
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,191
- me, and Frank's got the women.
- Oh, cool.
184
00:07:40,326 --> 00:07:42,192
- Are you an Ass Kicker now?
- I'm an Ass Kicker now.
185
00:07:42,326 --> 00:07:43,860
Sweet. All right.
Who signed you up?
186
00:07:43,994 --> 00:07:45,863
- The dumb one.
- Oh, Tiny?
187
00:07:45,997 --> 00:07:48,037
No, no, no. The one eating
paint chips off the wall.
188
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:49,667
It tastes like paint.
189
00:07:49,801 --> 00:07:51,300
Uh, yeah, those are paint
chips there, pal.
190
00:07:51,435 --> 00:07:52,935
- These are?
- Yeah.
191
00:07:53,070 --> 00:07:54,938
- Oh, they're delicious.
- Yeah, that's the good thing.
192
00:07:55,072 --> 00:07:56,538
- Let's go.
- All right, let's go.
193
00:07:56,672 --> 00:07:59,472
Hey, we're gonna, uh, go swing
some hammers.
194
00:08:04,590 --> 00:08:07,024
Oh, you guys are so great
that you do construction.
195
00:08:07,158 --> 00:08:09,762
I mean, this is just gonna be
easy-- just slap a couple coats
196
00:08:09,896 --> 00:08:12,030
of paint around, maybe a couple
of new doors.
197
00:08:12,164 --> 00:08:14,698
You're gonna be in and out in a
few hours.
198
00:08:14,833 --> 00:08:17,604
Oh!
Wow! Shit.
199
00:08:17,738 --> 00:08:21,073
Whoa-ho! No wall!
That's... pretty awesome.
200
00:08:21,208 --> 00:08:23,409
Okay, boys, let's get to work.
201
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,065
Look, I do construction for a
living.
202
00:08:25,181 --> 00:08:27,342
I mean, I thought Ass Kickers
was just some sort of fun
203
00:08:27,385 --> 00:08:29,618
workout club-- you know, like...
CrossFit.
204
00:08:29,753 --> 00:08:31,752
- CrossFit.
- Hey, man, you don't want to
205
00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:33,890
take this seriously?
Hey, that's fine.
206
00:08:34,024 --> 00:08:35,904
Why don't you give me those
stickers back, then?
207
00:08:36,028 --> 00:08:38,561
Uh, no, I'm coming down with
a cold and I need mine.
208
00:08:38,695 --> 00:08:40,764
Did you do, like, your
deer antler spray?
209
00:08:40,899 --> 00:08:44,135
- Some. But I'm running lower.
- Have some of mine. Here.
210
00:08:44,269 --> 00:08:46,136
All right, you know what, I
overreacted, boys.
211
00:08:46,271 --> 00:08:48,138
I overreacted.
I snapped at you, and the Master
212
00:08:48,272 --> 00:08:50,141
wouldn't like that.
And I'm sorry.
213
00:08:50,275 --> 00:08:52,977
I think maybe this is my mission
and my calling, so why don't you
214
00:08:53,111 --> 00:08:55,471
guys find some other mission and
I'll handle this one, okay?
215
00:08:55,545 --> 00:08:57,412
- Thanks, Charlie.
- All right, cool.
216
00:08:57,547 --> 00:08:59,415
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
217
00:08:59,549 --> 00:09:01,148
- Goddamn it, Charlie.
- It's fine. You know, the guys
218
00:09:01,282 --> 00:09:02,781
have been working their asses
off.
219
00:09:02,916 --> 00:09:05,817
I got this. Look.
Dee, the Master says fix it...
220
00:09:05,951 --> 00:09:11,757
I'm gonna fix it.♪
♪
221
00:09:11,891 --> 00:09:14,927
Frank, is that you?
I missed you in there, pal.
222
00:09:15,061 --> 00:09:19,202
Still pretty steamy, though, if
you want to hop in and...
223
00:09:19,336 --> 00:09:21,935
- What the hell's this?
- Just watching a little TV.
224
00:09:22,070 --> 00:09:24,541
- Are those Thin Mints?
- Oh, yeah, big time, dude.
225
00:09:24,676 --> 00:09:27,377
- I love these things.
- I notice, uh... you look a
226
00:09:27,510 --> 00:09:29,976
- little out of shape, there, bud.
- I am?
227
00:09:30,110 --> 00:09:31,776
Yeah.
Yeah, and it's a shame, too,
228
00:09:31,911 --> 00:09:33,631
because you've been looking so
great lately.
229
00:09:33,678 --> 00:09:35,345
- So sexy.
- I was?
230
00:09:35,479 --> 00:09:38,313
Yeah, so to see this is just
disappointing.
231
00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:41,017
- To me, but you know...
- This disappoints you?
232
00:09:41,151 --> 00:09:42,820
Yeah.
What-what are you doing?
233
00:09:42,954 --> 00:09:44,486
You taking a day off or
something, is that okay?
234
00:09:44,620 --> 00:09:46,286
I'm sure the master allows for
that, though, right?
235
00:09:46,421 --> 00:09:48,057
Well, I'm not really sure
about that.
236
00:09:48,191 --> 00:09:49,958
Oh, you're not sure, yeah.
Did the master not make that
237
00:09:50,092 --> 00:09:52,628
crystal goddamn clear?
In all those newsletters?
238
00:09:52,763 --> 00:09:54,465
- Was that not clear?
- I didn't... I didn't read
239
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,367
- into it like that.
- Wow, wow.
240
00:09:56,501 --> 00:09:58,167
I mean, I haven't read the
things, but I've just... you
241
00:09:58,301 --> 00:10:00,334
guys have been telling me and...
Thin Mints, from what I
242
00:10:00,469 --> 00:10:01,870
understand, that was a whole
thing.
243
00:10:02,004 --> 00:10:03,484
I think that was, like, rule
number...
244
00:10:03,539 --> 00:10:05,407
- Oh, shit.
- I... yeah.
245
00:10:05,541 --> 00:10:08,410
I-I... I may have... I messed up
a little bit.
246
00:10:08,545 --> 00:10:11,849
I hope he doesn't notice the
fat that I'm noticing sort of
247
00:10:11,983 --> 00:10:14,818
accumulated all over.
But hey, maybe he won't notice.
248
00:10:14,952 --> 00:10:16,754
- I noticed, but maybe he won't.
- Y-You don't think he would,
249
00:10:16,888 --> 00:10:18,589
- or...
- No, I think he will.
250
00:10:18,724 --> 00:10:20,659
Uh, do you mind if I use the
computer?
251
00:10:20,793 --> 00:10:22,528
I'm just gonna grab this and
take it over here for a little
252
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:26,266
bit, okay?
Mmm.
253
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:34,269
...and snap it back!
Bend and snap.
254
00:10:34,404 --> 00:10:36,038
How's that neck, Cindy?
255
00:10:36,173 --> 00:10:37,613
Everything good?
How are the muscles?
256
00:10:37,674 --> 00:10:39,076
You feeling okay?
You may want to soak 'em a
257
00:10:39,210 --> 00:10:40,945
- little bit.
- Actually, I feel great.
258
00:10:41,079 --> 00:10:43,415
- Oh, you feel great.
- Frank, I'm in tremendous
259
00:10:43,551 --> 00:10:45,785
- pain.
- I'm not talking to you.
260
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,422
- I'm talking to her.
- I can't breathe.
261
00:10:48,556 --> 00:10:50,625
Oh, she needs a cigarette break.
262
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,864
- Could we stop, please?
- I don't care what she needs,
263
00:10:53,998 --> 00:10:56,869
I'm not talking to you, do
whatever you want.
264
00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:58,972
- I'm trying to hurt her.
- What?
265
00:10:59,107 --> 00:11:04,042
Uh, well, it's... it... you
have to tear the fascial tissues
266
00:11:04,177 --> 00:11:07,282
in order to tone the muscles
properly.
267
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:09,720
- According to the master.
- Oh. Okay.
268
00:11:09,854 --> 00:11:13,725
So you bend and you snap.
But snap your head back.
269
00:11:13,860 --> 00:11:15,995
- Bend... you see it?
- Frank...
270
00:11:16,129 --> 00:11:17,730
- And snap!
- Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.
271
00:11:17,862 --> 00:11:19,162
- We need to talk.
- Uh, yo, Cindy, you keep
272
00:11:19,296 --> 00:11:21,832
- working. Go ahead.
- Yeah, okay, you got it.
273
00:11:21,966 --> 00:11:24,601
Hey, listen.
We gotta make a bit of an
274
00:11:24,735 --> 00:11:26,435
adjustment.
Tiny and Jo-Jo, they don't want
275
00:11:26,569 --> 00:11:29,572
to do the construction, so I was
looking into what cults do to
276
00:11:29,706 --> 00:11:32,226
force people into labor when the
mind tricks don't work, and one
277
00:11:32,273 --> 00:11:34,974
of them was a personality test,
right?
278
00:11:35,109 --> 00:11:36,843
You basically just get a bunch
of dirt on people and you hold
279
00:11:36,978 --> 00:11:40,112
- it over their heads.
- So, blackmail.
280
00:11:40,246 --> 00:11:46,014
Yeah.♪
♪
281
00:11:46,148 --> 00:11:48,249
So this is a basic personality
test.
282
00:11:48,383 --> 00:11:51,154
It's really simple.
It just measures the amount of
283
00:11:51,288 --> 00:11:53,689
guilt stressors that you're
feeling.
284
00:11:53,823 --> 00:11:56,324
You know, I took it, and I
just... it's changed my life.
285
00:11:56,458 --> 00:11:58,757
Yeah, Dee, what... what are
286
00:11:58,891 --> 00:12:00,692
- guilt stressors?
- Oh, great question, great
287
00:12:00,793 --> 00:12:02,929
question.
Apparently, secrets and lies
288
00:12:03,063 --> 00:12:05,766
lead to guilt stressors and
that's not good, you guys.
289
00:12:05,901 --> 00:12:08,169
You know why?
It impedes muscle development.
290
00:12:08,303 --> 00:12:09,670
- I have read that.
- Oh, really?
291
00:12:09,805 --> 00:12:11,085
Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's science.
292
00:12:11,173 --> 00:12:12,507
- Oh, shit.
- Yeah.
293
00:12:12,642 --> 00:12:13,976
It does sound like good science.
294
00:12:14,111 --> 00:12:15,779
So you guys just hang on to
that machine and talk about all
295
00:12:15,913 --> 00:12:20,080
- your regrets.
- And what are regrets, again?
296
00:12:20,214 --> 00:12:23,218
Y-You just talk about things
you feel really guilty about.
297
00:12:23,352 --> 00:12:25,419
- Oh.
- Oh, okay. Uh, okay.
298
00:12:25,553 --> 00:12:27,154
- Do you want to...
- Yeah, I'll go.
299
00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:28,857
- Dee, where do my feet go?
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
300
00:12:28,991 --> 00:12:33,690
Okay, uh...
I ate a baby toad once.
301
00:12:33,824 --> 00:12:36,360
I'm not proud of it.
It just kind of happened.
302
00:12:36,495 --> 00:12:38,927
It pains me to think about how
scared and confused it was and
303
00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,193
wondering, "Why am I not home,
and why am I in some sort of
304
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:42,660
- acid pond..."
- Okay.
305
00:12:42,794 --> 00:12:44,529
"...that's burning my skin?"
And what if it was looking for
306
00:12:44,663 --> 00:12:45,863
its mother?
It was just a baby.
307
00:12:45,964 --> 00:12:47,731
Oh, yeah, I got an idea.
How about we let one of these
308
00:12:47,865 --> 00:12:49,198
- guys, uh, give it a shot.
- Oh.
309
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:51,334
Are you sure? 'Cause I don't
really feel better, but...
310
00:12:51,469 --> 00:12:52,871
I'll go.
Yeah. Where do my feet go, Dee?
311
00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:54,407
- Dee, his feet?
- It doesn't make a goddamn
312
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:57,209
- difference.
- I ate a toad, too.
313
00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:58,678
- Oh, God.
- Really?
314
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,113
- I did.
- Am I good, am I good?
315
00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:01,381
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
316
00:13:01,516 --> 00:13:03,050
Go ahead.
317
00:13:03,185 --> 00:13:05,287
- Oh, I feel the burn.
- Yeah, how's-how's the neck
318
00:13:05,422 --> 00:13:08,124
- feeling? How's the neck?
- You know, it's not bad.
319
00:13:08,258 --> 00:13:10,792
- It's actually a little tight.
- It's a little tight.
320
00:13:10,927 --> 00:13:13,061
Well, how 'bout if we hop in the
healing pool...
321
00:13:13,195 --> 00:13:15,029
- Okay.
- ...and I'll give you some
322
00:13:15,163 --> 00:13:17,229
touch therapy, so you don't seem
too weak for the master.
323
00:13:17,363 --> 00:13:18,865
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
324
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,634
I don't suppose that could hurt.
325
00:13:20,768 --> 00:13:23,102
No, that won't hurt.
326
00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:25,703
Oh, shit.
327
00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:29,810
Oh, hi.
The water's wonderful.
328
00:13:29,944 --> 00:13:31,980
- When did you get in here?
- Oh, you don't mind that we
329
00:13:32,114 --> 00:13:34,416
came in first, do you?
There's plenty of room.
330
00:13:34,551 --> 00:13:36,220
No, how long are you gonna be?
331
00:13:36,354 --> 00:13:38,322
Oh, man...
332
00:13:38,455 --> 00:13:42,092
Well... she thinks she has a
tear in her uterine wall, so it
333
00:13:42,227 --> 00:13:44,562
- might be a while.
- All right.
334
00:13:44,697 --> 00:13:49,301
- Let's-let's go...
- I'm gonna go do a few more
335
00:13:49,437 --> 00:13:51,237
sets of kettlepops while, uh,
running the block a few times.
336
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:52,837
- Yeah, nice.
- Don't want to disappoint the
337
00:13:52,971 --> 00:13:54,104
- master.
- Mm-hmm.
338
00:13:54,238 --> 00:13:55,674
- You want to come?
- Go, you go get yourself good
339
00:13:55,808 --> 00:13:57,444
- and banged up.
- Okay.
340
00:13:57,579 --> 00:13:59,413
- Oh, yeah...
- Guys, guys, guys, there's
341
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:00,980
been a mistake, a terrible
mistake.
342
00:14:01,114 --> 00:14:02,982
I got a new newsletter from the
Master.
343
00:14:03,116 --> 00:14:05,353
There's gonna be no more women,
no more Wolf Cola and no more
344
00:14:05,487 --> 00:14:08,654
carpentry in Ass Kickers United.
This has all been a test
345
00:14:08,789 --> 00:14:11,923
designed by the Master to figure
out who the true believers are.
346
00:14:12,058 --> 00:14:14,924
I passed, you failed and that's
why I'm going to level two.
347
00:14:15,058 --> 00:14:16,924
Oh, also, uh, Dennis will be
348
00:14:17,059 --> 00:14:19,019
level two as well, but he'll be
directly under me.
349
00:14:19,061 --> 00:14:20,928
Wh-What?
Where'd you get that from?
350
00:14:21,062 --> 00:14:22,927
Uh, it was implied in the
newsletter.
351
00:14:23,062 --> 00:14:24,928
- No.
- Well, how is Dennis in level
352
00:14:25,062 --> 00:14:26,931
two?
Or an Ass Kicker, for that
353
00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:28,934
- matter?
- Oh, he bought in.
354
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,949
- He... bought in?
- Come on, Ass Kickers, let's
355
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:32,937
get out of here before we're
tainted by this disgusting
356
00:14:33,072 --> 00:14:34,939
- woman.
- All right. Crazy.
357
00:14:35,073 --> 00:14:37,942
- Cool!
- Failed that test.
358
00:14:38,077 --> 00:14:40,843
Kick some ass, huh?
Go kick some ass!
359
00:14:43,413 --> 00:14:45,382
Thought you could outmaster the
Master, idiots?
360
00:14:45,517 --> 00:14:47,384
So you swayed 'em back.
Uh, whatever.
361
00:14:47,518 --> 00:14:49,518
- We can do that, too.
- Do you think this is easy?
362
00:14:49,519 --> 00:14:52,222
You need years of practice to
even sniff my talent for
363
00:14:52,356 --> 00:14:54,724
manipulation.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
364
00:14:54,859 --> 00:14:57,127
a cult that needs a charismatic
leader.
365
00:14:57,261 --> 00:15:01,964
Yeah.
366
00:15:02,099 --> 00:15:05,065
Goddamn it, Frank.
Goddamn it! No.
367
00:15:05,199 --> 00:15:07,170
No, we cannot let him get away
with this.
368
00:15:07,304 --> 00:15:09,174
No, this is about something
different now, something much
369
00:15:09,308 --> 00:15:11,374
- more important.
- Shit sandwich?
370
00:15:11,509 --> 00:15:14,312
What? Why? What is that?
No. God.
371
00:15:14,446 --> 00:15:17,513
No, this is about control now.
This is about control and it's
372
00:15:17,647 --> 00:15:20,650
about beating Dennis.
I know exactly what we need to
373
00:15:20,785 --> 00:15:26,354
do.
374
00:15:31,793 --> 00:15:33,659
Deandra, we're all set.
375
00:15:33,794 --> 00:15:35,663
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
376
00:15:35,797 --> 00:15:37,666
- He's out?
- He's lit.
377
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,001
I have so much alcohol, and I
gave him three bottles of Fight
378
00:15:40,135 --> 00:15:42,337
- Milk.
- Whoa. That's a lot.
379
00:15:42,472 --> 00:15:44,743
Okay, you ready? Got your cards?
Okay.
380
00:15:44,878 --> 00:15:50,584
- Okay. Here we go.
- Charlie.
381
00:15:50,718 --> 00:15:54,087
- Charlie.
- Say it louder.
382
00:15:54,222 --> 00:15:56,288
- Charlie, wake up!
- Huh?
383
00:15:56,423 --> 00:16:00,560
What's... what's...
What's happening?
384
00:16:00,694 --> 00:16:06,232
- It is I... the Master!
- Am I dreaming?
385
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:09,603
- You're having a vision.
- Am I peeing?
386
00:16:09,738 --> 00:16:11,739
- Uh...
- Is he peeing?
387
00:16:11,873 --> 00:16:15,911
- Just read the card.
- You and the other Ass Kickers
388
00:16:16,046 --> 00:16:20,449
must con... con...
What's that word?
389
00:16:20,583 --> 00:16:22,051
- Congregate.
- Congregate, what does that
390
00:16:22,185 --> 00:16:23,621
- mean?
- It doesn't matter, just say it.
391
00:16:23,755 --> 00:16:25,989
...congregate.
392
00:16:26,123 --> 00:16:27,961
- What does that mean?
- Oh, God.
393
00:16:28,095 --> 00:16:30,332
You know what? Just...
Hey, Charlie, hey.
394
00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:32,969
Get all the Ass Kickers together
and meet at Mac and Dennis's
395
00:16:33,104 --> 00:16:35,307
apartment, okay?
Lord Zolo is gonna get you on
396
00:16:35,443 --> 00:16:38,114
- the mother ship.
- Lord Zolo?
397
00:16:38,249 --> 00:16:40,820
Charlie... you've graduated
to the next level.
398
00:16:40,954 --> 00:16:43,355
Congratulations.
And your reward is to get to
399
00:16:43,489 --> 00:16:45,591
know all the secrets of the
universe.
400
00:16:45,725 --> 00:16:47,661
He's gonna put all those
brains in my head.
401
00:16:47,795 --> 00:16:49,249
- Sweet.
- Yeah, there's just a few
402
00:16:49,369 --> 00:16:51,582
- things you have to do.
- Okay.
403
00:16:51,819 --> 00:16:55,449
I'll do them.
I'm peeing.
404
00:16:55,569 --> 00:16:57,368
- Uh-oh.
- Oh...
405
00:17:00,265 --> 00:17:02,980
Hey, you guys ready...
Holy shit!
406
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:05,063
Whoa! What the hell happened
in here?
407
00:17:05,183 --> 00:17:07,143
Hey, do you like it?
Yeah, well, before Master Rex
408
00:17:07,198 --> 00:17:09,310
said that we weren't supposed to
do carpentry, I talked to Tiny
409
00:17:09,430 --> 00:17:11,593
and Jo-Jo and they got their
construction crew in here.
410
00:17:11,713 --> 00:17:14,303
- There's a wall.
- Oh, you're goddamn right
411
00:17:14,438 --> 00:17:15,505
there's a wall.
I'm good.
412
00:17:15,625 --> 00:17:17,326
- Dennis is gonna shit his pants.
- Yeah... why?
413
00:17:17,446 --> 00:17:20,083
- What are you good at?
- Good at my... I'm a good
414
00:17:20,203 --> 00:17:23,543
person, and you know what?
It's time to... to do the plan
415
00:17:23,678 --> 00:17:26,812
- that the master laid out.
- I'm gonna take Tiny in the
416
00:17:26,947 --> 00:17:28,093
other room and make the pods
ready.
417
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:30,039
- Come on, Tiny.
- Oh, we got pods?
418
00:17:30,159 --> 00:17:31,436
- Yeah.
- Of course we got pods.
419
00:17:31,556 --> 00:17:34,003
Lord Zolo's gonna take you guys
on that mother ship with him,
420
00:17:34,123 --> 00:17:35,961
you need pods.
Am I right, Master?
421
00:17:36,081 --> 00:17:38,794
- Do-Do I get a pod?
- Okay, guys, guys, guys...
422
00:17:38,928 --> 00:17:41,500
We got a... wow.
Holy shit.
423
00:17:41,620 --> 00:17:42,984
- That's a wall.
- Yeah.
424
00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:45,569
- This place looks great.
- You're goddamn right this
425
00:17:45,704 --> 00:17:47,203
- place looks great.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty
426
00:17:47,337 --> 00:17:49,862
impressive stuff, Dee, but,
uh... it doesn't seal the deal.
427
00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:51,420
Guys, I've got an announcement
to make.
428
00:17:51,502 --> 00:17:52,935
Yeah, we've got some big news
here.
429
00:17:53,069 --> 00:17:54,939
The Master texted me while we
were on our way over here.
430
00:17:55,073 --> 00:17:57,846
Oh, interesting.
Uh, I wonder how it's possible
431
00:17:57,981 --> 00:18:00,283
that the Master could've texted
you when he's been here with us
432
00:18:00,418 --> 00:18:02,787
- the whole time.
- Rex is the Master?
433
00:18:02,921 --> 00:18:05,455
- That makes so much sense.
- Yep. Yes.
434
00:18:05,590 --> 00:18:07,594
- Oh, my...
- Of course I know that Rex is
435
00:18:07,729 --> 00:18:09,931
the Master, and of course I
would never question the word of
436
00:18:10,065 --> 00:18:13,772
someone so... wise.
But I actually got a text from
437
00:18:13,906 --> 00:18:16,943
the Supreme Overlord Master.
And that's Rex's master.
438
00:18:17,078 --> 00:18:19,112
- Oh, shit.
- "Oh, shit," is right, you
439
00:18:19,246 --> 00:18:20,878
guys.
That's the... he's the big guy.
440
00:18:21,013 --> 00:18:22,915
He sits right at the
tippy-tippy-top, and he made it
441
00:18:23,050 --> 00:18:28,125
very, very clear to me that all
of you are going to need to...
442
00:18:28,260 --> 00:18:31,459
- commit suicide.
- I knew it!
443
00:18:31,594 --> 00:18:33,894
- The final circle.
- Yeah, okay, sure, but hang on
444
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:35,330
a second.
Can I please talk to you for
445
00:18:35,465 --> 00:18:36,665
- just a quick second?
- Sure, sure, sure.
446
00:18:36,798 --> 00:18:38,464
Now, why don't you guys get
yourselves all lathered up in
447
00:18:38,599 --> 00:18:40,166
lighter fluid and, uh, you're
gonna get ready to light
448
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:41,108
yourselves ablaze.
449
00:18:41,228 --> 00:18:42,612
- All right.
- Thank you for trusting me.
450
00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:44,564
- Yeah, of course.
- I did it. I won.
451
00:18:44,698 --> 00:18:47,367
I am the most charismatic
leader.
452
00:18:47,484 --> 00:18:49,819
I got Tiny to eat a shit
sandwich.
453
00:18:49,954 --> 00:18:51,321
- Ugh!
- Oh!
454
00:18:51,455 --> 00:18:54,374
I got him to eat a poopy.
455
00:18:54,491 --> 00:18:56,793
You idiot!
I got these guys to think they
456
00:18:56,911 --> 00:18:59,379
were going to another dimension.
I'm the winner.
457
00:18:59,496 --> 00:19:01,130
Are you kidding me?
They were gonna light themselves
458
00:19:01,248 --> 00:19:02,882
on fire for me.
I'm the winner.
459
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,520
- Oh...
- Guys, guys, hang on a second.
460
00:19:04,552 --> 00:19:08,054
- The winner of what?
- The... the Ass Kickers, okay?
461
00:19:08,172 --> 00:19:11,416
The winner of the Ass Kickers.
It-it's mine, it's not theirs.
462
00:19:11,536 --> 00:19:13,587
- What?
- It's mine, it's... the whole
463
00:19:13,704 --> 00:19:17,290
- thing's made up, I made it up.
- Master Rex, is this true?
464
00:19:17,425 --> 00:19:20,427
- Oh, don't ask Rex, what...?
- The fire is started.
465
00:19:20,545 --> 00:19:22,295
Thank you so much for trusting
me with this.
466
00:19:22,430 --> 00:19:24,130
- This is good-bye!
- No... goddamn it, no!
467
00:19:24,265 --> 00:19:25,882
- No, man, don't do it!
- Oh, shit!
468
00:19:26,017 --> 00:19:27,133
Run!
469
00:19:27,268 --> 00:19:28,685
We'll get you some help, okay?
470
00:19:28,803 --> 00:19:30,404
- We'll call the fire department.
- Yeah.
471
00:19:30,438 --> 00:19:31,555
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
472
00:19:31,689 --> 00:19:33,273
- And then we'll go to Dee's.
- Yeah, right?
473
00:19:33,391 --> 00:19:34,891
No, no, can't we go anywhere
else?
474
00:19:35,026 --> 00:19:36,726
- No, Dee.
- What if the Supreme Overlord
475
00:19:36,861 --> 00:19:38,781
tries to contact us?
He has to know where we are.
476
00:19:38,863 --> 00:19:41,064
Yeah, exact-exactly.
All right, well, at least he's
477
00:19:41,199 --> 00:19:43,279
- on the mother ship now.
- Oh, my God! Unbelievable!
478
00:19:43,284 --> 00:19:45,285
Come on, let's go.
479
00:19:45,403 --> 00:19:47,454
- Good luck, Jo-Jo!
- Thank you!
480
00:19:59,311 --> 00:20:09,883
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com