1
00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:03,533
No, we never had
kings in this country.
2
00:00:03,535 --> 00:00:05,166
No, I don't
think we ever had kings.
3
00:00:05,168 --> 00:00:07,866
That was the whole point of this
country is that we didn't want a king.
4
00:00:07,868 --> 00:00:08,698
We didn't want the king.
5
00:00:08,700 --> 00:00:09,532
Son of a bitch!
6
00:00:09,534 --> 00:00:10,467
Guys, guys, guys.
7
00:00:10,469 --> 00:00:11,472
Oh.
8
00:00:11,474 --> 00:00:12,476
Are you okay?
9
00:00:13,479 --> 00:00:14,478
Oh!
10
00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:15,482
Oh!
11
00:00:15,484 --> 00:00:18,298
I think you broke your nose.
12
00:00:18,418 --> 00:00:20,792
I'm screwed. I'm screwed. Ah!
13
00:00:20,794 --> 00:00:24,163
Oh, strange man, titty bar.
14
00:00:24,165 --> 00:00:25,567
A great investment opportunity.
15
00:00:25,569 --> 00:00:26,570
Beauty pageant.
16
00:00:26,572 --> 00:00:27,571
Are you getting it?
17
00:00:27,573 --> 00:00:29,573
Yeah, yeah, I think I got this.
18
00:00:29,575 --> 00:00:31,877
You met a strange man at a titty
bar who offered you a great
19
00:00:31,879 --> 00:00:34,180
opportunity to invest
in a beauty pageant?
20
00:00:34,182 --> 00:00:36,250
Everything looked very legit.
21
00:00:36,252 --> 00:00:37,651
It was all in place.
22
00:00:37,653 --> 00:00:39,053
He had all the connections.
23
00:00:39,055 --> 00:00:41,454
He wanted somebody
to front the money.
24
00:00:41,456 --> 00:00:42,689
Me. Okay, fine.
25
00:00:42,691 --> 00:00:44,824
I've always wanted to
do a beauty pageant.
26
00:00:44,826 --> 00:00:45,825
Stop. Why?
27
00:00:45,827 --> 00:00:48,794
Because you make a lot of cash,
and you ogle some broads.
28
00:00:48,796 --> 00:00:50,795
Yeah, I don't question
that aspect of it.
29
00:00:50,797 --> 00:00:52,798
Yeah, that seems right
up your alley, bro.
30
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,437
Oh, this jerk gets pinched
for coming on to one of the
31
00:00:55,439 --> 00:00:59,042
contestants, and now it
looks like a whole scam.
32
00:00:59,044 --> 00:01:01,645
And if I don't legitimize this
thing, everybody's gonna think
33
00:01:01,647 --> 00:01:02,580
I'm just like him.
34
00:01:02,582 --> 00:01:04,583
Why don't you just
drop the whole thing?
35
00:01:04,585 --> 00:01:05,584
I can't, Charlie.
36
00:01:05,586 --> 00:01:06,585
It's already going.
37
00:01:06,587 --> 00:01:07,587
It's in motion.
38
00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:08,688
I mean, it's really a mess.
39
00:01:08,690 --> 00:01:12,726
Any second now, there's gonna be broads
walking through that door in swimsuits.
40
00:01:12,728 --> 00:01:13,760
Awesome.
41
00:01:13,762 --> 00:01:14,761
That's a good thing.
42
00:01:14,763 --> 00:01:17,031
Yeah, I don't see what the
problem is here, Frank.
43
00:01:17,033 --> 00:01:21,202
Oh! Looks like somebody
forgot their swimsuit.
44
00:01:21,204 --> 00:01:25,205
Come on, girls.
45
00:01:28,042 --> 00:01:32,111
That's the problem.
46
00:01:33,665 --> 00:01:44,624
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
47
00:01:57,063 --> 00:01:57,996
A kids' pageant.
48
00:01:57,998 --> 00:01:59,998
I didn't know...
Are you kidding me?
49
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,867
I didn't know it was
a kids' pageant.
50
00:02:01,869 --> 00:02:02,701
The guy didn't make that clear.
51
00:02:02,703 --> 00:02:04,703
Now I'm lumped in
with a diddler.
52
00:02:04,705 --> 00:02:05,704
What am I gonna do?
53
00:02:05,706 --> 00:02:06,705
This is a mess.
54
00:02:06,707 --> 00:02:08,541
Well, I don't know
what the big deal is.
55
00:02:08,543 --> 00:02:10,409
You know, I did pageants all
the time when I was little.
56
00:02:10,411 --> 00:02:11,410
The big deal?
57
00:02:11,412 --> 00:02:13,145
The big deal is that mothers
force their kids into this so
58
00:02:13,147 --> 00:02:16,082
that they can dress them up like dolls
and parade them around like sex objects.
59
00:02:16,084 --> 00:02:17,082
It's creepy.
60
00:02:17,084 --> 00:02:19,084
My mother didn't
force me into it.
61
00:02:19,086 --> 00:02:20,085
I entered them myself.
62
00:02:20,087 --> 00:02:21,086
Yeah, that's true.
63
00:02:21,088 --> 00:02:22,855
Actually, when Dee used to enter
pageants when we were kids, Mom
64
00:02:22,857 --> 00:02:25,458
used to tell her not to waste her time,
because she isn't pretty enough.
65
00:02:25,460 --> 00:02:27,360
Mm-hmm, she would say that, and
then I would jam it right in
66
00:02:27,362 --> 00:02:28,294
her face when I'd win them.
67
00:02:28,296 --> 00:02:29,162
How would you win pageants?
68
00:02:29,164 --> 00:02:30,163
Did you have a different face?
69
00:02:30,165 --> 00:02:32,165
No, she was a dog
back then, too.
70
00:02:32,167 --> 00:02:33,367
It's just that
she worked at it.
71
00:02:33,369 --> 00:02:36,871
She used to go to tanning, and you
know, she practiced with her makeup.
72
00:02:36,873 --> 00:02:38,873
I'll give you that-- you did
a lot of that practicing.
73
00:02:38,875 --> 00:02:39,874
Thanks, Frank.
74
00:02:39,876 --> 00:02:42,744
Yeah, yeah, you guys got to change
your thinking about child pageants.
75
00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:44,546
I mean, child pageants-- that's
American tradition right there.
76
00:02:44,548 --> 00:02:45,547
Child pageantry.
77
00:02:45,549 --> 00:02:46,548
Think about it.
78
00:02:46,550 --> 00:02:50,085
In other countries, okay, women that
can't show their ankles, right?
79
00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:52,020
They got to be in those big,
black tarps or whatever.
80
00:02:52,022 --> 00:02:53,021
Mm.
81
00:02:53,023 --> 00:02:54,756
In America, we can show toddlers
in tiny bikinis, we can
82
00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:56,692
make them tan, because
that's our right.
83
00:02:56,694 --> 00:02:57,693
Mm-hmm.
84
00:02:57,695 --> 00:02:58,694
As Americans, okay.
85
00:02:58,696 --> 00:03:00,696
Child pageantry is an essential
part of the American fabric.
86
00:03:00,698 --> 00:03:01,697
You know what?
87
00:03:01,699 --> 00:03:04,700
We should dress up our little kids
just to show other people that we can.
88
00:03:04,702 --> 00:03:05,701
Mm-hmm.
89
00:03:05,703 --> 00:03:07,536
Yeah, yeah, I never thought
about it that way.
90
00:03:07,538 --> 00:03:08,370
This is about
freedom, isn't it?
91
00:03:08,372 --> 00:03:09,371
Mm-hmm.
92
00:03:09,373 --> 00:03:11,206
We can do whatever we
want with our kids.
93
00:03:11,208 --> 00:03:12,207
Yeah.
94
00:03:12,209 --> 00:03:14,008
And that's what
America is all about.
95
00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:15,877
You know what you
just did, Charlie?
96
00:03:15,879 --> 00:03:17,645
You just loaded up that train
with coal, and now it's ready to
97
00:03:17,647 --> 00:03:18,379
tear down the tracks.
98
00:03:18,381 --> 00:03:19,213
That was inspiring as hell.
99
00:03:19,215 --> 00:03:20,214
Yes.
100
00:03:20,216 --> 00:03:22,015
Let's throw ourselves a pageant!
101
00:03:22,017 --> 00:03:23,016
Let's do a child pageant.
102
00:03:23,018 --> 00:03:24,017
U.S.A.
103
00:03:24,019 --> 00:03:28,021
U.S.A., U.S.A.,
U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!
104
00:03:30,326 --> 00:03:31,392
Okay. Okay.
105
00:03:31,394 --> 00:03:32,693
Thank you. Thank you. Good.
106
00:03:32,695 --> 00:03:33,994
Thank... Calm down, everybody.
107
00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:35,129
Calm down. Calm down.
108
00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:37,264
Thanks for coming to
Frank's Little Beauties.
109
00:03:37,266 --> 00:03:39,367
I want to thank you all
for participating.
110
00:03:39,369 --> 00:03:41,702
I know some of you may have
heard about that other guy.
111
00:03:41,704 --> 00:03:43,905
I am not gonna
diddle your kids.
112
00:03:43,907 --> 00:03:45,106
I'm not like that.
113
00:03:45,108 --> 00:03:46,108
That's not my thing.
114
00:03:46,110 --> 00:03:47,109
I met that guy in a titty bar.
115
00:03:47,111 --> 00:03:49,144
It's like a... That's enough.
That's enough.
116
00:03:49,146 --> 00:03:52,014
Hi there. Dee Reynolds,
former pageant winner.
117
00:03:52,016 --> 00:03:55,285
I know how these things work, so,
uh, your kids are in good hands.
118
00:03:55,287 --> 00:03:57,254
Go ahead and talk
amongst yourselves.
119
00:03:57,256 --> 00:03:58,255
Frank, will you...?
120
00:03:58,257 --> 00:04:00,291
Frank, your nose is bleeding
all over the place.
121
00:04:01,327 --> 00:04:03,093
Do I look suspicious?
122
00:04:03,095 --> 00:04:05,662
You look grotesque.
123
00:04:05,664 --> 00:04:07,163
♪ Magic night for us. ♪
124
00:04:07,165 --> 00:04:08,431
♪ A magical night. ♪
125
00:04:08,433 --> 00:04:09,600
Magic's in the air.
126
00:04:09,602 --> 00:04:10,602
♪ Magic's... ♪
127
00:04:10,604 --> 00:04:13,604
♪ Magic's in the air Skeedy-bow.
♪ Uh... See, this is fun.
128
00:04:13,606 --> 00:04:14,605
Yeah.
129
00:04:14,607 --> 00:04:16,607
We shouldn't be looking at
this pageant as a problem.
130
00:04:16,609 --> 00:04:18,675
We should be looking at this as
an opportunity to do something
131
00:04:18,677 --> 00:04:19,610
we've never done before.
132
00:04:19,612 --> 00:04:21,612
This is right in our wheelhouse.
133
00:04:21,614 --> 00:04:24,582
I'm having a blast putting this...
Hey, I'm thinking maybe we could
134
00:04:24,584 --> 00:04:25,583
actually be in this thing?
135
00:04:25,585 --> 00:04:28,887
I'm glad you said it, because I'm
desperate to be in this thing.
136
00:04:28,889 --> 00:04:29,888
Oh!
137
00:04:29,890 --> 00:04:31,889
I didn't realize it was
even a conversation.
138
00:04:31,891 --> 00:04:33,724
I always assumed we would
be heavily involved.
139
00:04:33,726 --> 00:04:34,759
This is bad.
140
00:04:34,761 --> 00:04:37,862
We got to definitely write a song
about how we do not diddle kids.
141
00:04:37,864 --> 00:04:42,533
♪ Do not diddle kids It's
no good diddling kids. ♪
142
00:04:42,535 --> 00:04:44,702
There is no quicker way for
people to think that you are
143
00:04:44,704 --> 00:04:46,637
diddling kids than by
writing a song about it.
144
00:04:46,639 --> 00:04:47,638
You got to write a song.
145
00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:48,739
It's just like... Ooh.
146
00:04:48,741 --> 00:04:52,542
♪ I wouldn't do it with anybody Younger
than my daughter And no little kids.
147
00:04:52,544 --> 00:04:55,978
♪ Got to be big Older than my
wife Older than my daughter. ♪
148
00:04:55,980 --> 00:04:57,246
Something like that.
149
00:04:58,249 --> 00:05:00,248
Don't write a song about that.
150
00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:01,249
No.
151
00:05:01,251 --> 00:05:03,485
I'm cloudy. I got a headache.
152
00:05:09,572 --> 00:05:10,506
Uh, excuse me.
153
00:05:10,626 --> 00:05:11,842
Who's in charge here?
154
00:05:11,844 --> 00:05:14,176
Well, usually that's whoever
yells the loudest, but I am the
155
00:05:14,178 --> 00:05:16,111
only one here right now,
so I am in charge.
156
00:05:16,113 --> 00:05:17,112
Oh, hi.
157
00:05:17,114 --> 00:05:18,113
Uh, my name is Walter Harris.
158
00:05:18,115 --> 00:05:19,114
Hi.
159
00:05:19,116 --> 00:05:22,116
I'm with the Family Association
for the Protection of Children.
160
00:05:22,118 --> 00:05:23,450
No! Ooh, ooh.
161
00:05:23,452 --> 00:05:25,051
Okay.
162
00:05:25,053 --> 00:05:31,758
Uh, you know, I... I'm-I'm pretty much...
I'm in charge of this... the
163
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,928
chairs and... setting up...
the chairs.
164
00:05:34,930 --> 00:05:35,929
Mm.
165
00:05:35,931 --> 00:05:36,997
But there's a guy.
166
00:05:36,999 --> 00:05:38,665
Uh, uh, there's a fat guy.
167
00:05:38,667 --> 00:05:42,903
Well, his face is busted to bits, and he...
he's in charge.
168
00:05:42,905 --> 00:05:44,904
He's-He's the guy that
you want to talk to.
169
00:05:44,906 --> 00:05:48,942
He might be this way, so I'll go...
I'm gonna go back here and look for him.
170
00:05:48,944 --> 00:05:51,010
Uh, you check it out
around the corner.
171
00:05:51,012 --> 00:05:53,712
Real jacked up face and fat.
172
00:05:55,382 --> 00:05:57,383
So, how's everyone doing today?
173
00:05:57,385 --> 00:05:58,584
Is everyone feeling safe?
174
00:05:58,586 --> 00:05:59,585
The F.A.P.C., huh?
175
00:05:59,587 --> 00:06:00,586
That's what he said.
176
00:06:00,588 --> 00:06:02,588
They're siccing the
dogs after us.
177
00:06:02,590 --> 00:06:03,589
We're screwed.
178
00:06:03,591 --> 00:06:04,423
Hey, we're fine, Frank.
179
00:06:04,425 --> 00:06:05,423
We got nothing to hide.
180
00:06:05,425 --> 00:06:06,358
Yeah, you know what?
181
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,359
To be honest with you, I'm
glad he's gonna observe us.
182
00:06:08,361 --> 00:06:10,361
I mean, somebody should be
looking out for these kids.
183
00:06:10,363 --> 00:06:12,429
Yeah, those mothers just left
their kids here in a bar with
184
00:06:12,431 --> 00:06:15,098
complete strangers in a pageant
that's under investigation.
185
00:06:17,102 --> 00:06:17,934
They're terrible parents.
186
00:06:17,936 --> 00:06:18,935
Yeah.
187
00:06:18,937 --> 00:06:19,936
This is a mess!
188
00:06:19,938 --> 00:06:21,670
Frank, why don't you go lay
down and put some ice on your
189
00:06:21,672 --> 00:06:22,438
face, 'cause you look terrible?
190
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:24,272
Yeah, Jesus, Frank, fix
your face, for God sake.
191
00:06:24,274 --> 00:06:25,273
Yeah.
192
00:06:25,275 --> 00:06:26,274
Yeah. Yeah.
193
00:06:26,276 --> 00:06:27,275
Relax. Go, go.
194
00:06:27,277 --> 00:06:29,110
We'll take care of
everything in here.
195
00:06:29,112 --> 00:06:30,978
Everything's gonna
be fine, Frank.
196
00:06:30,980 --> 00:06:31,979
Yeah, we got it. We got it.
197
00:06:31,981 --> 00:06:32,813
It's all gonna be fine.
198
00:06:32,815 --> 00:06:34,814
Now you pinned the whole
thing on him, right?
199
00:06:34,816 --> 00:06:35,648
Oh, yeah, of course I did.
200
00:06:35,650 --> 00:06:36,649
Hey, good thinking.
201
00:06:36,651 --> 00:06:37,649
Good. Good, good, good, good.
202
00:06:37,651 --> 00:06:41,686
Okay, ladies, chins up,
hands down, step forward.
203
00:06:41,688 --> 00:06:44,589
One, two, three, one, two.
204
00:06:44,591 --> 00:06:46,524
Fan, turn. Hit it! Stick it!
205
00:06:46,526 --> 00:06:48,160
Let me see it!
206
00:06:48,162 --> 00:06:50,062
Pose!
207
00:06:50,064 --> 00:06:51,564
Come on, hit the line.
208
00:06:51,566 --> 00:06:53,732
Get in line. What is this?
209
00:06:53,734 --> 00:06:54,900
Guys, we got to put on a show!
210
00:06:54,902 --> 00:06:57,503
I thought you were
professionals.
211
00:06:57,505 --> 00:07:00,639
That's what I'm looking for,
and I don't see professionals.
212
00:07:00,641 --> 00:07:08,513
I see amateurs, I see trash, little
pieces of trash on my stage.
213
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:09,514
You guys are dummies.
214
00:07:09,516 --> 00:07:11,149
It's not even hard.
215
00:07:11,151 --> 00:07:13,617
You are dumb.
216
00:07:13,619 --> 00:07:15,019
It's not hard.
217
00:07:15,021 --> 00:07:16,019
Samantha's mean.
218
00:07:16,021 --> 00:07:20,323
Samantha gets to be mean
because Samantha is a star, okay?
219
00:07:20,325 --> 00:07:22,524
Maybe one day you'll be a star,
but right now you're not.
220
00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:23,192
You're junk.
221
00:07:23,194 --> 00:07:24,259
I have to go to the bathroom.
222
00:07:24,261 --> 00:07:25,026
You belong in the bathroom.
223
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:26,027
Go!
224
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:28,096
Let's take a five,
let's take a break.
225
00:07:28,098 --> 00:07:28,765
I'm so upset.
226
00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:29,432
Are you okay?
227
00:07:29,434 --> 00:07:32,268
You're doing great.
228
00:07:32,270 --> 00:07:34,437
We'll be dressed very stylishly
for the performance.
229
00:07:34,439 --> 00:07:37,507
It's going to be a great
performance, Walter, very classy.
230
00:07:37,509 --> 00:07:38,508
I look forward to seeing it.
231
00:07:38,510 --> 00:07:41,110
Just make sure that the
children are featured.
232
00:07:41,112 --> 00:07:42,178
That is who this is about.
233
00:07:42,180 --> 00:07:43,178
Yeah.
234
00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:43,979
Yeah... it's about the kids.
235
00:07:43,981 --> 00:07:45,314
Absolutely, all about
the kids, yeah.
236
00:07:45,316 --> 00:07:46,981
Absolutely, yeah, no, totally.
237
00:07:46,983 --> 00:07:48,583
Hey, Walter, you want
to come sit with us?
238
00:07:48,585 --> 00:07:50,285
Yeah, come sit sith...
You lost him.
239
00:07:50,287 --> 00:07:51,152
Hello, everybody.
240
00:07:51,154 --> 00:07:52,954
He's all business,
that guy, you know?
241
00:07:52,956 --> 00:07:54,189
He is all over us, man.
242
00:07:54,191 --> 00:07:58,427
We got to put on a good
show, you guys, we got to.
243
00:07:58,429 --> 00:07:59,895
Hello.
244
00:07:59,897 --> 00:08:02,464
That was some pretty impressive
work out there, Samantha.
245
00:08:02,466 --> 00:08:04,599
Excuse me, I'm eating my lunch.
246
00:08:04,601 --> 00:08:06,368
Well, don't get sassy with me.
247
00:08:06,370 --> 00:08:08,803
I'm trying to pay
you a compliment.
248
00:08:08,805 --> 00:08:11,939
You know, I see a lot
of myself in you.
249
00:08:11,941 --> 00:08:12,940
You're not like me.
250
00:08:12,942 --> 00:08:13,941
You're ugly.
251
00:08:14,977 --> 00:08:17,177
You don't-- that's not
something you say.
252
00:08:17,179 --> 00:08:18,178
You're mean.
253
00:08:18,180 --> 00:08:21,013
You're the meanest
girl in the world.
254
00:08:21,015 --> 00:08:22,381
Okay, you know what?
255
00:08:22,383 --> 00:08:24,649
You better thank your lucky
stars I'm not in this
256
00:08:24,651 --> 00:08:28,051
competition because I would
eat you for breakfast.
257
00:08:28,053 --> 00:08:30,953
You're driving me nuts.
258
00:08:30,955 --> 00:08:32,087
I don't like your hair.
259
00:08:32,089 --> 00:08:32,788
It's dumb.
260
00:08:32,790 --> 00:08:34,556
Your hair looks like it's dead.
261
00:08:34,558 --> 00:08:35,557
All right, that's it.
262
00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:36,724
You listen to me.
263
00:08:36,726 --> 00:08:39,492
All hair is technically dead,
you stupid idiot smarty-pants
264
00:08:39,494 --> 00:08:40,427
stupid, stupid idiot.
265
00:08:40,429 --> 00:08:42,429
You better watch
yourself, Samantha.
266
00:08:42,431 --> 00:08:43,096
Do you hear me?
267
00:08:43,098 --> 00:08:44,197
Because I am coming for you.
268
00:08:44,199 --> 00:08:44,865
Knock, knock.
269
00:08:44,867 --> 00:08:45,532
Who's there?
270
00:08:45,534 --> 00:08:46,833
Terrible breath.
271
00:08:52,608 --> 00:08:53,608
Wheezing.
272
00:08:53,610 --> 00:08:54,542
Dude, you're wheezing now.
273
00:08:54,544 --> 00:08:55,443
Slow down.
274
00:08:55,445 --> 00:08:56,143
Breathe and eat separately.
275
00:08:56,145 --> 00:08:57,912
This is what America is about,
okay, being able to eat
276
00:08:57,914 --> 00:08:58,913
at any rate you want to eat.
277
00:08:58,915 --> 00:08:59,580
Shut, shut up.
278
00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:01,182
Stop making all of these
things about America.
279
00:09:01,184 --> 00:09:04,718
You're fat not because of America...
Can we just change the conversation?
280
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,654
Can we just focus
on something else?
281
00:09:06,656 --> 00:09:08,722
Did you guys see the
boy that's here?
282
00:09:08,724 --> 00:09:09,389
Oh, yeah.
283
00:09:09,391 --> 00:09:10,056
Yeah, yeah.
284
00:09:10,058 --> 00:09:11,824
I mean, what's that all about?
285
00:09:11,826 --> 00:09:13,826
I imagine Dad probably
skipped town.
286
00:09:13,828 --> 00:09:16,595
Mom always wanted a daughter, so
she sticks her little boy in the
287
00:09:16,597 --> 00:09:18,864
pageant, right, so she can play
out her little fantasies about
288
00:09:18,866 --> 00:09:19,632
having a little girl.
289
00:09:19,634 --> 00:09:22,034
That kid does not want
to be here, you know.
290
00:09:22,036 --> 00:09:23,269
A kid like this needs guidance.
291
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:29,476
He needs real men showing him what it's...
Would you like to see my dance?
292
00:09:29,478 --> 00:09:30,477
Uh, yeah.
293
00:09:30,479 --> 00:09:31,478
Yeah.
294
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:32,512
Sure.
295
00:09:32,514 --> 00:09:38,451
♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy A Yankee
Doodle, do or die A real live nephew.
296
00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:39,785
Of my Uncle Sam... ♪
297
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:42,689
I don't think this boy is being
pushed into this at all.
298
00:09:42,691 --> 00:09:45,158
This is a boy who genuinely
loves pageantry.
299
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:46,158
Yeah.
300
00:09:48,029 --> 00:09:49,027
You know what?
301
00:09:49,029 --> 00:09:51,163
I bet he's never
won one of these.
302
00:09:51,165 --> 00:09:52,097
We should help him win.
303
00:09:52,099 --> 00:09:53,098
Totally.
304
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:55,066
For once let's let the
boys in America win.
305
00:09:55,068 --> 00:09:57,201
Well, maybe we could make a
few adjustments to the song,
306
00:09:57,203 --> 00:09:58,169
maybe update it a little bit.
307
00:09:58,171 --> 00:09:59,937
Yes, the song needs an update.
308
00:09:59,939 --> 00:10:01,372
All these old patriotic
songs need updates.
309
00:10:01,374 --> 00:10:03,173
Yeah, they're like
200 years old.
310
00:10:03,175 --> 00:10:04,608
That's why nobody wants
to listen to 'em.
311
00:10:04,610 --> 00:10:07,412
♪ I am The Yankee Doodle Boy. ♪
312
00:10:07,414 --> 00:10:08,413
Hey, all right, hey.
313
00:10:08,415 --> 00:10:10,782
All right, man.
314
00:10:10,784 --> 00:10:12,885
Good job, Benjamin.
315
00:10:12,887 --> 00:10:14,186
Hey, Justine.
316
00:10:14,188 --> 00:10:15,188
Hey.
317
00:10:15,190 --> 00:10:17,223
Hey, can we talk for
just a quick sec?
318
00:10:17,225 --> 00:10:20,694
Yeah, I really need to do my homework, but...
Ah, I know, but I'm the adult
319
00:10:20,696 --> 00:10:23,229
and I said we were gonna talk,
so that's what's gonna happen.
320
00:10:23,231 --> 00:10:26,165
Listen, I bet you wish you could
win this pageant, don't you?
321
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,401
My mom says I'm not
pretty enough.
322
00:10:28,403 --> 00:10:29,536
Your mom doesn't know dick.
323
00:10:29,538 --> 00:10:32,105
She's a dumb, fat cow, and your
sister-- she is a stupid little
324
00:10:32,107 --> 00:10:32,839
shit-mouthed bitch, isn't she?
325
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,908
You just said a
lot of bad words.
326
00:10:34,910 --> 00:10:38,311
Here's what's gonna happen, Justine,
you are going to win this pageant.
327
00:10:38,313 --> 00:10:39,279
You are gonna win this pageant!
328
00:10:39,281 --> 00:10:41,781
And I am going to be the one
who pushes you to do it.
329
00:10:41,783 --> 00:10:42,882
What do you think about that?
330
00:10:42,884 --> 00:10:43,749
Are you excited?
331
00:10:43,751 --> 00:10:44,917
Are you excited about that?
332
00:10:44,919 --> 00:10:46,719
Yeah, I don't really
care about any of that.
333
00:10:46,721 --> 00:10:49,721
I know, but it's not what you care
about, it's what I care about.
334
00:10:49,723 --> 00:10:50,723
Okay.
335
00:10:50,725 --> 00:10:51,724
Okay, ready?
336
00:10:51,726 --> 00:10:53,225
Oh, we got a lot of work to do.
337
00:10:53,227 --> 00:10:53,893
Screw this homework, right?
338
00:10:53,895 --> 00:10:55,894
Come on.
339
00:11:04,224 --> 00:11:05,263
So great to see you.
340
00:11:05,383 --> 00:11:06,139
It's a pleasure to meet you.
341
00:11:06,259 --> 00:11:07,069
Thank you so much.
342
00:11:07,189 --> 00:11:09,002
Thank you very...
Guys, Walter's here.
343
00:11:09,242 --> 00:11:10,241
He looks very pleased.
344
00:11:10,243 --> 00:11:11,008
Good, good, he should.
345
00:11:11,010 --> 00:11:12,844
I mean, this is like...
Yeah, yeah.
346
00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:13,845
Okay, good.
347
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:14,512
I'm here.
348
00:11:14,514 --> 00:11:15,513
Oh.
349
00:11:15,515 --> 00:11:17,248
What on earth did you
do to your face?
350
00:11:17,250 --> 00:11:19,317
I had it done at a funeral home.
351
00:11:19,319 --> 00:11:20,318
Why, why, why?
352
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:24,022
Where in the hell am I going to go-- to
the goddamn makeup counter at Macy's?
353
00:11:24,024 --> 00:11:26,924
You go to a funeral home
to get gruesome repairs.
354
00:11:26,926 --> 00:11:27,925
Look.
355
00:11:27,927 --> 00:11:30,026
You look like you're
at your own wake.
356
00:11:30,028 --> 00:11:35,166
Frank, Frank, I need some water.
357
00:11:35,168 --> 00:11:39,003
My mouth is dry.
358
00:11:39,005 --> 00:11:40,004
Your mouth is dry.
359
00:11:40,006 --> 00:11:45,543
Go into the toilet and run
your mouth under the sink.
360
00:11:45,545 --> 00:11:47,545
Okay.
361
00:11:47,547 --> 00:11:48,979
Yeah, can I, could I, can I?
362
00:11:48,981 --> 00:11:50,514
I have a... Who's that?
363
00:11:50,516 --> 00:11:51,182
He's the mortician.
364
00:11:51,184 --> 00:11:51,849
I invited him.
365
00:11:51,851 --> 00:11:53,517
Oh, you brought the mortician.
366
00:11:53,519 --> 00:11:55,386
Okay, well, that's not going to
seem strange to anybody at all.
367
00:11:55,388 --> 00:11:56,153
I figure he's a cretin.
368
00:11:56,155 --> 00:11:58,956
Why would I have a cretin like that
near me if I have something to hide?
369
00:11:58,958 --> 00:12:01,725
Hmm... Associating with a man like
that's not going to make you
370
00:12:01,727 --> 00:12:02,326
look any better.
371
00:12:02,328 --> 00:12:04,262
Hey, hey, hey,
you're on in five.
372
00:12:04,264 --> 00:12:04,929
Oh, whoa.
373
00:12:04,931 --> 00:12:06,697
Artemis, what are
you doing here?
374
00:12:06,699 --> 00:12:08,199
She's working the
soundboard, okay, relax.
375
00:12:08,201 --> 00:12:08,966
Is that a good idea?
376
00:12:08,968 --> 00:12:11,035
Does she know how to
work a soundboard?
377
00:12:11,037 --> 00:12:12,103
Who else are we going to get?
378
00:12:12,105 --> 00:12:14,173
We don't have a very
deep bench, dude.
379
00:12:14,175 --> 00:12:15,173
Okay.
380
00:12:15,175 --> 00:12:16,775
I'm gonna go get high
before the show.
381
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:17,776
Okay.
382
00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:18,544
Seems like a bad idea.
383
00:12:18,546 --> 00:12:19,244
Well, don't get high.
384
00:12:19,246 --> 00:12:20,479
It's making us look bad.
385
00:12:20,481 --> 00:12:21,613
I'm sweating like a pig.
386
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:22,681
I got to get my makeup redone.
387
00:12:22,683 --> 00:12:23,348
Okay, showtime, showtime.
388
00:12:23,350 --> 00:12:25,116
All right, let's
get ready, guys.
389
00:12:25,118 --> 00:12:25,984
Showtime, showtime, showtime.
390
00:12:25,986 --> 00:12:28,253
Whoa... Showtime.
391
00:12:28,255 --> 00:12:31,356
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
392
00:12:33,593 --> 00:12:34,592
("America the Beautiful"
393
00:12:34,594 --> 00:12:37,595
playing)
394
00:12:42,568 --> 00:12:45,169
Give me a beat.
395
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,560
♪ Magic's in the air ♪
396
00:13:07,562 --> 00:13:09,062
♪ Magic's in the air ♪
397
00:13:09,064 --> 00:13:11,431
♪ Lace and silk Is everywhere ♪
398
00:13:11,433 --> 00:13:12,198
♪ Lace and silk ♪
399
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,434
♪ Struttin' with
dramatic flair ♪
400
00:13:14,436 --> 00:13:15,435
♪ Dramatic flair ♪
401
00:13:15,437 --> 00:13:23,309
♪ And bright smiles So everyone prepare
For something special tonight ♪
402
00:13:23,311 --> 00:13:26,645
♪ Here she is Frank's
Little Beauties ♪
403
00:13:26,647 --> 00:13:32,284
♪ Your heart'll go Into a cardiac
arrest 'Cause Frank's Little Beauties.
404
00:13:32,286 --> 00:13:35,020
♪ Are nothing but the...
From state to state And town to town.
405
00:13:35,022 --> 00:13:36,922
♪ These girls will turn
Your frown upside-down ♪
406
00:13:36,924 --> 00:13:38,223
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
407
00:13:38,225 --> 00:13:40,192
♪ Who's brass and class
And all that stuff?
408
00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:42,128
These girls'll show you
That they're good enough ♪
409
00:13:42,130 --> 00:13:43,496
♪ They're good, all right ♪
410
00:13:43,498 --> 00:13:47,634
♪ So put your hands together And settle
in 'cause tonight We're gettin' down.
411
00:13:47,636 --> 00:13:51,237
♪ Only one contestant wins
Frank's Little Beauties crown. ♪
412
00:13:54,942 --> 00:13:57,409
Is that it, Artemis?
413
00:13:58,478 --> 00:14:00,479
Very nice performance.
414
00:14:00,481 --> 00:14:03,281
Very nice and
clean performance.
415
00:14:03,283 --> 00:14:04,583
Welcome.
416
00:14:04,585 --> 00:14:08,686
Welcome to our
legitimate show of kids.
417
00:14:08,688 --> 00:14:10,455
Uh, very, very, very nice.
418
00:14:10,457 --> 00:14:15,493
Which one of these talented, uh,
entertainers, who I am not
419
00:14:15,495 --> 00:14:18,429
attracted to at all,
will be the winner?
420
00:14:18,431 --> 00:14:20,832
I'm not attracted to any
of them, none of them.
421
00:14:20,834 --> 00:14:22,467
And that's the way it is.
422
00:14:22,469 --> 00:14:27,271
Anyway, everybody put your hands
together and clap for the kids.
423
00:14:27,273 --> 00:14:28,740
Clap, clap.
424
00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:30,474
And you wave good-bye.
425
00:14:30,476 --> 00:14:32,042
Wave. Wave good-bye.
426
00:14:32,044 --> 00:14:33,043
Go to your dressing room.
427
00:14:33,045 --> 00:14:34,045
We're gonna start the show.
428
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:35,046
Go on.
429
00:14:35,048 --> 00:14:36,047
Bye, Frank.
430
00:14:36,049 --> 00:14:38,049
Okay, just don't touch...
Go to there. Go on in there.
431
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:40,051
Their dressing room...
Bye, Frank.
432
00:14:40,053 --> 00:14:42,053
...over there on that
side of the stage.
433
00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:43,788
I am going to my dressing room.
434
00:14:43,790 --> 00:14:44,890
We wil wbe right back.
435
00:14:44,892 --> 00:14:45,857
I'm over here.
436
00:15:19,094 --> 00:15:20,126
Oh, my hair hurts.
437
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:21,461
I know. I know, mine, too.
438
00:15:21,463 --> 00:15:22,528
We look good.
439
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:23,530
Okay, finish up that coffee.
440
00:15:23,532 --> 00:15:24,530
Ugh! I don't like it.
441
00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:25,532
You do, too, like it.
442
00:15:25,534 --> 00:15:27,534
Look, it doesn't matter
whether you like it or not.
443
00:15:27,536 --> 00:15:29,536
You need to be
high energy, okay?
444
00:15:29,538 --> 00:15:31,538
Do you want to win
this thing or not?
445
00:15:31,540 --> 00:15:32,539
I don't care.
446
00:15:32,541 --> 00:15:33,607
Yes, you do care, all right?
447
00:15:33,609 --> 00:15:34,608
Pop your teeth in.
448
00:15:34,610 --> 00:15:35,609
Pop your teeth in right now.
449
00:15:35,611 --> 00:15:36,610
Really?
450
00:15:36,612 --> 00:15:37,611
Let's see 'em.
451
00:15:38,614 --> 00:15:40,614
You look fantastic.
452
00:15:40,616 --> 00:15:42,949
Let's go show those
stupid moms, huh?
453
00:15:42,951 --> 00:15:43,950
Mm.
454
00:15:43,952 --> 00:15:45,820
Come on.
455
00:15:55,297 --> 00:15:56,998
Moms stink.
456
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,833
P-ew!
457
00:15:58,835 --> 00:16:00,902
♪ What are you gonna do?
458
00:16:00,904 --> 00:16:02,270
Yeah!
459
00:16:02,272 --> 00:16:09,578
Me and you should go ♪ Into a secret
world Where no one tells us What to do.
460
00:16:09,580 --> 00:16:11,580
Moms are stupid.
461
00:16:11,582 --> 00:16:13,548
Doy!
462
00:16:13,550 --> 00:16:17,052
♪ I'd like to throw them
all In the trash Yeah!
463
00:16:18,055 --> 00:16:21,624
♪ They're nothing but A big
humongous Pain in the butt.
464
00:16:21,626 --> 00:16:25,395
♪ A big, humungous
pain in my Vagina... ♪
465
00:16:25,397 --> 00:16:26,797
Moms are ugly. ♪
466
00:16:26,799 --> 00:16:27,965
Boo!
467
00:16:33,607 --> 00:16:41,814
People of earth, prepare for
the future of patriotism.
468
00:16:41,816 --> 00:16:52,892
♪ Yankee doodle went to town Riding
on a pony Stuck a feather in his cap.
469
00:16:52,894 --> 00:17:02,268
♪ And called it macarone...
Rone, rone, rone, rone Rone, rone, rone... ♪
470
00:17:02,270 --> 00:17:03,269
Hey!
471
00:17:11,078 --> 00:17:15,614
♪ Yankee Yankee,
Yankee doodle Yankee, Yankee.
472
00:17:15,616 --> 00:17:17,783
Yankee, Yankee doodle... ♪
473
00:17:17,785 --> 00:17:21,421
Mr. Gorbachev, tear
down this wall.
474
00:17:21,423 --> 00:17:26,826
The only thing we have to fear is...
fear itself.
475
00:17:26,828 --> 00:17:27,828
Hey, hey, what is this?
476
00:17:27,830 --> 00:17:29,830
What are you people
doing to my son?
477
00:17:29,832 --> 00:17:30,831
Go back to your seat.
478
00:17:30,833 --> 00:17:32,834
All right, who's in charge here?
479
00:17:32,836 --> 00:17:35,370
Sir, uh, go back to your seat.
480
00:17:35,372 --> 00:17:41,376
♪ Stuck a feather in his cap
And called it macarone...
481
00:17:41,378 --> 00:17:46,547
Rone, rone, rone, rone... ♪
482
00:17:51,353 --> 00:17:53,353
Well, someone should have
worn a shirt, right?
483
00:17:53,355 --> 00:17:54,354
Probably the kid.
484
00:17:54,356 --> 00:17:55,355
The kid definitely.
485
00:17:55,357 --> 00:17:56,356
Yeah.
486
00:17:56,358 --> 00:17:57,357
It felt uncomfortable.
487
00:17:57,359 --> 00:17:59,359
But at a rave, I feel like
that would have been awesome.
488
00:17:59,361 --> 00:18:01,361
I know, but the
kids make it weird.
489
00:18:01,363 --> 00:18:02,362
It did get a little weird.
490
00:18:02,364 --> 00:18:04,698
I can't figure this...
tie out here.
491
00:18:05,702 --> 00:18:09,471
I got a question about
you morticians.
492
00:18:09,473 --> 00:18:10,772
You bang the dead bodies?
493
00:18:10,774 --> 00:18:13,609
Mm... no.
494
00:18:13,611 --> 00:18:15,611
Imagine stuff like
that goes on all time.
495
00:18:15,613 --> 00:18:16,612
I mean, I don't give a shit.
496
00:18:16,614 --> 00:18:18,615
If I was dead, you could bang
me all you want. Who cares?
497
00:18:19,618 --> 00:18:21,618
Dead body's like a
piece of trash.
498
00:18:21,620 --> 00:18:24,454
I mean, shove as much shit in there as you want...
Turn his mic down.
499
00:18:24,456 --> 00:18:26,289
I'm trying. I don't know...
I don't know how.
500
00:18:26,291 --> 00:18:27,290
You don't know how?!
501
00:18:27,292 --> 00:18:28,123
I don't know which one it is.
502
00:18:28,125 --> 00:18:28,958
Fill me up with cream.
503
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,793
Turn me...
What's going on, you idiot?
504
00:18:30,795 --> 00:18:32,628
Make a stew out of my ass.
505
00:18:33,464 --> 00:18:35,363
What's the big deal?
Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little
506
00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:36,298
pieces, throw me in the river.
507
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:37,299
Who gives a shit?
508
00:18:37,301 --> 00:18:38,299
You're dead, you're dead.
509
00:18:38,301 --> 00:18:39,300
Ooh, shit.
510
00:18:39,302 --> 00:18:40,301
Is my mic on?
511
00:18:40,303 --> 00:18:41,302
Oh, God.
512
00:18:41,304 --> 00:18:42,304
Oh!
513
00:18:43,307 --> 00:18:44,306
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
514
00:18:45,309 --> 00:18:46,308
That was a mistake.
515
00:18:46,310 --> 00:18:49,111
The janitor got a hold of the P.A. system.
516
00:18:49,113 --> 00:18:50,180
Puerto Rican guy.
517
00:18:51,183 --> 00:18:52,916
You know, kids are great.
518
00:18:52,918 --> 00:18:55,619
I love the kids.
519
00:18:55,621 --> 00:18:56,453
Not in a sexual way.
520
00:18:56,455 --> 00:19:00,557
No, I was married 20 years, and
she was a bitch, but she was
521
00:19:00,559 --> 00:19:02,492
old, and I never had a problem
getting it up with her.
522
00:19:03,495 --> 00:19:04,494
What is this?!
523
00:19:04,496 --> 00:19:05,495
Get the girls!
524
00:19:05,497 --> 00:19:06,496
Well, well, well, wait. What.
525
00:19:06,498 --> 00:19:09,499
All right, all right, miss, could you,
um, give me a little music, please?
526
00:19:09,501 --> 00:19:10,500
Play something nice.
527
00:19:10,502 --> 00:19:11,501
Play something.
528
00:19:11,503 --> 00:19:12,502
Play him out of here.
529
00:19:12,504 --> 00:19:14,337
Play some music,
play some music.
530
00:19:14,339 --> 00:19:15,338
Yeah, okay, okay.
531
00:19:17,175 --> 00:19:19,175
♪ It's a grand old
flag A high-fly... ♪
532
00:19:19,177 --> 00:19:20,175
I don't this.
533
00:19:20,177 --> 00:19:21,176
I do not know this one.
534
00:19:21,178 --> 00:19:24,513
Come on, give me something like...
535
00:19:24,515 --> 00:19:27,016
Walter, come up and help me
and, uh, uh, help the people.
536
00:19:27,018 --> 00:19:28,017
Let's just leave.
537
00:19:28,019 --> 00:19:29,018
Yeah, let's go.
538
00:19:29,020 --> 00:19:32,022
Yeah, let's go, 'cause this is a bad...
Yeah, let's go.
539
00:19:32,024 --> 00:19:34,024
I just want you to be
having a great time.
540
00:19:34,026 --> 00:19:35,025
Police. Oh, no.
541
00:19:35,027 --> 00:19:36,026
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
542
00:19:36,028 --> 00:19:37,795
Whoa. Oh, that's it.
543
00:19:37,797 --> 00:19:40,130
I'm done. I'm going away.
544
00:19:40,132 --> 00:19:42,833
Get your hands off me, pigs.
545
00:19:42,835 --> 00:19:44,568
Why are you taking Walter?
546
00:19:44,570 --> 00:19:46,169
Man's a diddler.
547
00:19:47,172 --> 00:19:50,073
Sick son of a bitch goes around
all these kids pageants,
548
00:19:50,075 --> 00:19:51,274
pretends he's an inspector.
549
00:19:51,276 --> 00:19:54,077
We've been looking
for him for a while.
550
00:19:54,079 --> 00:19:57,614
I'm just glad we finally
got him off the street.
551
00:19:58,617 --> 00:19:59,616
You got your man.
552
00:19:59,618 --> 00:20:02,285
So, there's another unrelated
diddler in the mix?
553
00:20:02,287 --> 00:20:05,288
Well, I mean, these things are
just magnets for those people.
554
00:20:05,290 --> 00:20:07,390
It's like throwing a picnic at
the beach and getting pissed
555
00:20:07,392 --> 00:20:08,324
when the seagulls show up.
556
00:20:08,326 --> 00:20:09,325
Yeah, you have to expect it.
557
00:20:09,327 --> 00:20:10,326
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
558
00:20:10,328 --> 00:20:11,327
Yeah, totally.
559
00:20:11,329 --> 00:20:13,563
I tell you, children's ' beauty
pageants are an American
560
00:20:13,565 --> 00:20:14,497
tradition, but not a proud one.
561
00:20:14,499 --> 00:20:15,498
Nope.
562
00:20:15,500 --> 00:20:16,499
I'm gonna go.
563
00:20:16,501 --> 00:20:17,500
Me, too. Yeah.
564
00:20:17,502 --> 00:20:20,502
Let's go, let's go, because it
still doesn't... Wait! Wait!
565
00:20:20,504 --> 00:20:21,837
Who won?
566
00:20:21,839 --> 00:20:22,838
Uh, um, Samantha.
567
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:23,839
She's the prettiest, right?
568
00:20:23,841 --> 00:20:24,840
Yeah.
569
00:20:24,842 --> 00:20:25,841
Come on.
570
00:20:25,843 --> 00:20:26,842
Yeah.
571
00:20:26,844 --> 00:20:29,564
Yay, I'm the winner!
572
00:20:29,856 --> 00:20:33,720
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com