CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, welcome to Mock the Week, I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining us this week are Evelyn Mok, Maisie Adam,
Ed Byrne, Angela Barnes Hugh Dennis and Glenn Moore.
Ed Byrne, Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis and Glenn Moore.
We start now with a round called Picture of the Week.
You're to tell me what is happening.
So, teams, what's going on here?
Oh, want to feel old?
That's what Blazing Squad look like now!
Is it Chris de Burgh's funeral?
Is it nine democratic world leaders enjoy beach
holiday before we...
...l mean China take over?
Is else anybody else looking at this and just gripped
with an urge to play Subbuteo?
Is there a photographer going, "Er, can we get
the fathers of the politicians in now, please?"
They should be going, "Why are there nine of us?"
I've got to say, I don't want to choose any of these Street
Fighter characters.
Angela Merkel is the only one there going, "Oh, no,
this is definitely going to be used on Mock the Week."
In Germany it's called Moche die Woche.
Is it a photo of the Japanese Prime Minister
and his eight token white friends?
Is it I'm a World Leader, Get Me Out Of Here?
"The votes have been counted and verify and the
first world through through to Davos is..."
Does anyone have the correct answer, please?
"Week-by-week, collect these G7 action figures.
Build up your collection to form your own useless jamboree."
Yes, it is.
Thank you very much.
Well done.
Yes, these are the leaders of the G7 countries,
as well the presidents of
the European Council and the European Commission.
The news that this week the G7 summit took place
in Cornwall, where the leaders discussed climate change, the
Covid-19 crisis and China.
How do you think the summit went?
Over all it was a pretty good summit, wasn't it?
They signed an environmental agreement, which
they then...
"celebrated by a fly past by the Red Arrows.
Their famous red, white and blue trails of pollution.
It's amazing.
Unfortunately for Boris, the trail of the Red Arrows makes the French
flag, which doesn't work very well.
They're calling it the sausage wars, aren't they?
The sausage wars, which is incidentally what I used to call
this programme.
In a sausage war, really, what's the wurst that can happen?
Oh!
Thank you, thank you.
Historically Britain has entered a sausage war,
not long since they had a cod war, as they slowly worked
their way down the chip shop menu.
2024's the curry sauce war.
It's interesting, like we don't have sea shanties from
where I'm from.
Like we have...
What's it called?
Music. Music.
Why was the barbecue criticised?
They felt that there was too many of them
and they weren't socially distant.
Yes.
When pubs and all that kind of things aren't allowed to open up
properly, why are the people who run the world allowed to do things
we're not?
There was people going, "How dare they?
How dare they be out doing..."
Meanwhile behind them there is a pub garden full of people
watching England play football.
"How can they possibly do that?"
And while they're dancing up and down,
going, "lt's one rule for them, it's one rule for them
and one rule for us!"
One of the decisions they made was to be tough on measures on
burning coal and they're burning coal!
There were many mild hypocrisies involved, I mean I was
actually at a barbecue at the weekend in which we discussed their
barbecue in a kind of, "Oh, it's terrible what they're doing.
Yes, more rose would be lovely!"
Meanwhile, what's going on here?
He has an amazing ability, Joe Biden,
to look like a 2-D cutout ofjoe Biden.
The Queen has such mad dress sense, doesn't she?
And the papers always go, "She looks radiant."
She would wear a bright pink hat with like a
dead pigeon Sellotaped on it and the Daily Mail
would still say, "Oh it beautifully complemented her surroundings."
Maisie, do you think she could carry off this jacket though?
No.
Not at all. Not at all.
No one, including you, could carry off that jacket.
I know she's not allowed to technically make or change any
laws, but she breaks some fashion ones on a regular basis.
Did you see that photo of the Queen cutting that cake, with a sword?
It's just crazy.
Doesn't it make you think that just maybe Philip was the
ordinary one?
And that actually...
...the whole time he had just been keeping a lid on her erratic
behaviour and now we are without Prince Philip, we are just
going to see a whole mad side to the Queen.
She is going to be using the sword to cut ribbons and do openings
and then she's going to knight people using scissors and
cake knives.
Can I tell you the really sinister thing
about that?
She'd been practicing all week on Colin The Caterpillar.
Yes.
Is it my imagination, or does Jill Biden just look slightly
on the wonk?
And the Queen on the wonk the other way.
111$'! Slightly...
Urgh...
Sorry, do you mean a literal fanny magnet?
Very good, Maisie and Evelyn.
Now, we play a round called Covid or Go Home.
This game...
...involves Glenn and Evelyn.
So if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand up challenge.
I will launch a wheel of news and wherever
it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward
and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go, let's have our first topic, so
spin the wheel, please.
The first subject is identity, who wants to
come in on that?
Here?
So, I willjust start by introducing myself to
you guys, so you get a sense of who you're dealing with here.
Because there is a lot going on in this person.
Now, I am a Swedish-born, Chinese immigrant, working class, plus
size pan sexual lady, who is lactose intolerant.
So...
...as you can tell, my cup just overfloweth with identity.
And I find that it's a cup that no Brit wants to drink out of.
Because you guys get confused by me.
Anywhere I go really people can't place me.
In Sweden, they presume I can only speak English.
In England, they think that I only speak Chinese.
And as a Chinese girl, my relatives are super surprised I'm
still alive.
But I will say I have been on your British shores now for
about nine years, so I feel like I'm British.
For instance, if tonight doesn't go well as I hope, I will
just internalise all my feelings about it, never address it and then
take it to my grave!
And I will say I do appreciate the irony of being
Chinese and poking fun at you Brits for being stoic,
because we are a very reserved people as well.
However, the difference I find is that when the Brits oppress
feelings, you tend to go into alcoholism.
When the Chinese repress feelings, we go to work and take
over the world.
Which ironically you guys used to do.
Great stuff, thank you, Evelyn.
That leaves us with Glenn, let's see what
your topic is, spin the wheel.
And that is family.
I've always had a very, very close relationship with
my parents.
I first realised that when I was at boarding nursery.
I was very close to all my relatives, actually.
I loved my grandparents.
My grandmother's an Elvis impersonator, in the sense that
she's not alive any more and she...
"well, she died a few years ago.
She lost her eight-year battle with not
getting hit by a car.
I have close talks with all my relatives.
I remember when I was 15 years old, my
uncle sat me down to have "the talk" but it turns out that I didn't know
what sex was either.
I like going to visit my parents.
Sometimes it's nice to visit your parents, because
it's nice to remind yourself of what loo roll
is meant to feel like.
I don't know where parents get their loo roll from -
the towel section at john Lewis?
It's got like a tog to it, it's like trying to flush a duvet.
I like going to visit my parents, but the only thing I don't
like is how remote their village is.
It is an area so remote that the last time I was there,
I got a pop up on my laptop saying, "Click here
for pictures of lonely singles in your area," and I clicked on it
and it was just pictures of me.
No, it's so remote, basically my parents live
in a village that's got no phone signal, no radio signal and some
internet, which, as we all know, is significantly worse than
no internet.
Because in my parents' house I can get no internet
reception in my bedroom, but can I get perfect
internet reception in
the airing cupboard just across the shitting hallway.
Take it back to my bedroom, you can guarantee half way
through a video, something starts buffering again.
So I've got, to take it back to sexy Narnia.
Try to hop across the corridor with my trousers around my ankles.
You can bet my parents catch me in the act as well, so I look
like Pixar lamp.
It's a nightmare.
Thank you very, very much, well done.
Let's hear it for Glenn.
Well done!
Both of you go back.
Our next round is called, If This is the
Answer, What is the Question?
On the board are six categories.
Evelyn, which category would you like?
Home news, please.
Your topic is home news, your answer is four weeks,
what is the question?
The amount of time it takes for a few Tory MP
takes for a new Tory MP
to hatch from their queen's egg.
Is it how long does my Nan cook a steak for?
Is it, how long did I cringe for after giving my dentist a
cheeky wink and telling him to fill all my holes?
Is it how long do you have to know Matt Hancock before
he'll give you a PPE contract?
Over the years, Coming Home has gone from this like really
happy chant to becoming like a desperate plea
for a missing person.
Sort of, "We're not angry, football, we just want you to come home."
ls it how old will Lilibet be before Piers Morgan writes an article
saying she betrayed the Royal Family?
Is it the average time it takes to get out of an lkea store?
Is it, how long is a quantum physicist's dick?
That's unpleasant on many, many levels.
Ifjoe Biden took the knee, how would it take him to stand up?
Any of you with the correct answer?
Is it, how long have they pushed back the date of the release of us
from the Covid regulations?
Absolutely right.
Thank you very much, Ed Byrne.
Very good.
Yes, the question I was looking for was, by how long has
the lifting of all Covid restrictions been delayed?
This is the news that the government has pushed back the date when it
removes all remaining Covid restrictions from June
the 21st to July the 19th.
How do we feel about the delay?
My fiance doesn't really watch the news, so I'm just dreading
the day that someone tells him that blow jobs were never
banned in the first place.
I mean, I'm disappointed.
I'm disappointed but I'm not surprised that it's
just not happening.
As someone who's been married to an Englishwoman for 13 years,
British people are not good at opening up.
The cap on wedding guests has meant that a lot less people have had
to suffer the indignity of being sat on THAT table.
You know that table at every wedding where you just go,
how do you know the bride?
Oh, you do her accounts.
Right, lovely.
And when the guests arrive, the ushers go,
are you Pfizer or AstraZeneca?
There's a lot of Tory revolt about it though.
Yes.
And there's even a health minister even said the phrase
that we should learn to live with the problem of Covid.
But think about Boris Johnson.
If he knew how to live with a problem, he wouldn't
be on his third wife.
I just thought, if we have to do another season of Mock The Week
with these Perspex screens...
Hopefully, by the time of next season, we'll be back to normal
and doing it how we always do it, holding hands and spitting
at the other team.
Good old clays!
Traditions I miss most, actually.
Yeah!
Sitting in the middle of that, just watching all the goz go
from one side to the other...
And I will...
Hopefully we'll get out of this and be back to normal
in some shape or form, but I will miss you Zoom people.
Oh, no, don't!
I said I wouldn't cry!
Some of the most insincere bonding I have ever seen there.
People are watching from their rustic Tudor home.
Oh, look at you with the beams in your kitchen!
And people who just need dots on the wall.
They are the strangest of them all.
Have you seen the puppy?
Someone's got a PUPPY-
They always bring in the puppy.
Always the PUPPY-
Now someone's showing a kitten.
This is not the tone we were looking for.
We will have to make it a condition, when we get our audience in,
when we get the actual audience back, they all have
to bring a dog in.
Or, when the audience are here, they all have to sit in front
of a photograph of their home.
It will be good to get rid of these, won't it?
I fought the temptation for the entire thing to play...
IMITATES WOBBLE BOARD.
...and slip into a Rolf Harris impersonation -
even less popular than it used to be.
In other news, what trip of a lifetime was
auctioned off this week?
Oh, this is Jeff Bezos, isn't it?
Yeah.
There was a live auction to take the third seat in the Blue Origin
initial flight in July.
If you found out someone said, oh, you know that trip
you are going on next week, someone has paid $28 million to sit
next to you, you'd go, I'm immediately calling the police.
Yeah.
What?
To sit next to me to space, the place where there is no police
and everyone famously can't hear you scream...
He's hardly, with the best will in the world, going into space.
They're going into an area just over 100 kilometres up and they go up
and they spend four minutes in weightlessness and
then come down again, and the whole flight takes
about an hour.
INTERRUPTIONS.
The whole thing takes about an hour and the person bid $28 million.
You're in the venue but not in VIP.
There is a large element of that, yeah.
It's expensive but, if you get delayed by more than three hours,
you get 9 million back.
Yeah, you do.
28 million for the seat next to Jeff Bezos.
Jeff Bezos is so rich, he'lljust pay 30 million
to put his bag on that seat.
It's also terrible forjeff Bezos.
Imagine this guy's paid 28 million and he's got to take him
on the flight and you sit down next to someone who goes, do you mind
if we pull the blind down?
I don't like...
the sun...
Not really into space myself.
Never really saw the appeal, opening a book...
Imagine if he gets onto the plane and they are waiting to meet
the person who paid 28 million and it's his ex-wife.
ALL: Ooh!
Imdginel
There's a movie, Dara.
His ex-wife has spent 28 million on the seat behind,
so she can just kick him all the way.
I really hope...
Or reclining into him repeatedly.
I really hope the person who's bought the seat is Elon Musk,
so he can sit the whole time like a dad at a barbecue
going, not how I'd do it.
What is it?
What are we saying?
Is itjeff Bay-zos, Bez-os?
What I suggest we do is, when he goes on his first trip
to space, we choose a different pronunciation of his name.
When he comes down again, it's, oh, it's Jeff Buh-zos!
Or he goes up and we all put on ape costumes and,
when he comes down again, we all go, you've landed
on the planet of the apes.
Dara, I don't know if you've noticed, but I've
got my space dress on.
I hadn't.
And my astronaut earrings and everything.
WQW!
He doesn't notice what women are wearing any more,
after the whole #MeToo thing.
He's just been warned off.
I look them right in the eyes, look women right in the eyes, Angela.
That's the only place I see women any more, right in the eyes.
Not the knockers any more - right in the eyes.
I mean, it was the knockers for years, but now it's
eyes, not knockers.
Dara, with all the will in the world, Dara,
I'm in my mid-40s now.
To look at my knockers, you'd have to get under the desk.
That's what I used to do.
OK...
At the end of that round, the points go to Angela, Hugh and Glenn.
Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See, so if everyone
can make their way over to the performance area,
I'll root out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists
can come up with.
OK.
Here we go.
The first subject is...
Who commissions this shit?
Up next tonight, it's Question Time.
Now, unfortunately, Priti Patel won't be
appearing as advertised, as one of her dalmatians
has escaped.
Do not adjust your set.
Yes, there really are three women on an episode of Mock The Week.
Tonight's episode of Question Time contains scenes of a sexual nature,
in that it's got four massive knobs on it.
Coming up next, it's Would I Lie To You,
with Martin Bashir.
Well, I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to this.
It's time for Line Of Charlie - Duty, Line Of Duty.
Next, the Great British Sewing Bee, where we'll be learning some tips
on how to make denim look old.
This show contains some distressing scenes.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER.
The following programme contains flashing images.
John Barrowman's in it.
We interrupt this programme to bring you an important news bulletin -
or, as I like to call it, Guess Who's Died.
This next programme originally aired in 1992, so it features some
language that viewers may find totally radical and bodacious, dude.
We interrupt this programme not because there's any news -
I just can't watch another second of Mrs Brown's Boys.
You're watching Dave, because you don't trust him
around your girlfriend.
Now it's time for The Muppet Show - or, as it is officially known,
the Government Covid Briefing.
Next on BBC Two, Professor Brian Cox...
Oh, I've come!
0K!
Your next topic is...
Gosh, you're beautiful.
You have wonderful eyes, just like mother's.
So let me get this straight, you don't want to see me again
because you think I always talk like I'm in an advert?
Sound familiar?
Er, no, my wife died...
...nearly an hour ago.
I've never gone on a date.
I did once come in a watermelon.
Er, yeah, do you want go ahead and order?
I'm going for a shit.
Yeah, let's get a wine.
Sorry, my ex used to say that I got a bit weird after a wine,
but that's because he couldn't handle my emotions.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hm.
Bofingl
Time to feed the vagina!
Me?
Oh, I suppose having my balls tickled with a feather.
Oh, sorry, what would I like to eat?
Sorry.
So many questions.
Er...
How much do you weigh?
I only look at the eyes, never at the knockers.
At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Maisie and Evelyn.
And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Evelyn Mok, Maisie Adam and Ed Byrne.
Commiserations to Angela Barnes, Hugh Dennis and Glenn Moore.
Thanks for watching.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Good night.
The time has come...