OLDER TED; When you're single, and your friends start to get married,
every wedding invitation presents a strange moment of self-evaluation,
Will you be bringing a guest or will you be attending alone?
What it's really asking is,
where do you see yourself in three months?
Sitting next to your girlfriend, or hitting on a bridesmaid?
I always checked that I was bringing a guest,
I was an optimist,
Who the hell am I gonna bring to this wedding?
Ted, have you ignored all of my teachings?
For the most part, yeah.
You don't bring a date to a wedding.
That's like bringing a deer carcass on a hunting trip. Oh, Ted. Oh, Ted.
No, no date!
Deer carcass, really? That's the metaphor you're going with here?
Ted, it's a simile.
Well, it's too late now.
If I don't bring a date, a $200 piece of chicken/salmon will go uneaten.
I gotta bring someone, but who?
Of course I knew who I wanted to bring,
Robin, The big unanswered question in my life,
Problem was, she was dating this really rich guy named Derek,
(SCOFFS)
Derek!
Well, Derek and I just broke up.
LILY: No, that's terrible. Are you okay?
- Yeah, do you need a drink or something? - No. We never really clicked.
I felt bad though. He was pretty bummed.
Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine.
I mean, the guy's, like, a billionaire.
He can put his platinum card on a fishing line
and reel in 10 chicks hotter than you.
Thanks. I feel a lot better.
I think I'll get that drink now.
Okay, guys. I gotta say something.
I think my feelings for Robin may be resurfacing.
Oh, please. They were buried in a shallow grave.
MARSHALL: Not again.
Come on. Dude, we all know how this movie ends.
Ted falls in love. Love kicks Ted in the sprouts.
Roll credits.
No! You guys just have to look at the whole picture.
Fact. Robin was into me when we first met.
Fact, Even though she didn't want a relationship,
we had an amazing kiss on the roof,
Fact, On New Year's Eve, we kissed again,
Fact. I need a date to this wedding. Wish me luck.
What I don't get is why is Claudia marrying Stuart?
She's way hotter than him. How way?
Way way.
This wedding does sound pretty amazing though.
Fancy hotel ballroom.
Everybody all dressed up.
- Here we go. - What?
We can't get anywhere with our wedding plans
because I want it to be fun and Marshall wants it to be lame.
Yeah, okay, that's a pretty fair assessment of our two arguments.
I thought so.
You know what, excuse me
if I don't wanna get married barefoot in the woods next to
Lake No One's Gonna Drive That Far.
Yes, I want a ballroom.
And I want a band. And I want shoes.
I've been dreaming about this day, since I was, like...
A little girl?
What up?
Okay, I'm just saying that it's my wedding, too,
and I should have a say in it.
Yes, but I'm the bride, so I win.
Well, I thought marriage was about two equal partners sharing a life together.
Right, but I'm the bride, so I win.
I mean, seriously. Claudia and Stuart?
I mean, I've hooked up with the odd lass
who was beneath my level of attractiveness.
But, you know, I was drunk.
There's no way Claudia has been drunk for three years.
You know, I've always found
that the best way to get over a failed relationship
is to celebrate someone else's successful one.
Makes sense.
So, with that in mind,
our friends Claudia and Stuart are having this crazy black tie wedding on Saturday.
You wanna be my plus one?
Plus one. You make it sound so romantic.
Fine.
You wanna be my date?
Your date?
I'd love to.
How fancy are we talking about here?
- You're gonna wanna bring your "A" game. - I'll bring it.
I'll bring it so hard the bride's gonna look like a big white bag of crap.
Lily, I need a dress.
You're going? That's awesome!
Oh, my God, four days to find a dress?
I know. It's a suicide mission.
Well, if we leave now
- we can still have a fighting chance. - Let's do it.
Bye, babe.
Did you see how fired up she was?
I don't know, there's something there.
And come Saturday, little music, little dancing, a lot of champagne.
Who knows?
Ted, you're gonna have to find another gender for yourself
'cause I'm revoking your dude membership.
Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?
Invigorating, thanks.
OLDER TED; Okay, I wasn't going to say it in front of the guys,
but back then I really thought that's how it worked,
You put yourself and a girl you like in some romantic setting,
The stars line up,
and shazam!
I know now that life is never that simple,
Hey, Claudia!
Yes, I want Tahitian vanilla! You wrote it down wrong?
No, no, no! Listen to me.
If I go to my wedding and the cake is not Tahitian vanilla,
I will come down there and burn your little shop to the ground.
Do you wanna find out if I'm kidding? Yeah, goodbye.
Hey!
(CLAUDIA GROANING)
How's it going?
My wedding is in two days, that's how it's going.
Don't worry. It's gonna be great. I'm so excited.
You should be. Lots of single girls.
Well, yeah, I'm bringing a date.
- So I'll be off the market. - What?
I'm bringing a date.
You're not bringing a date.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
- I checked plus one. - No, you didn't.
Claudia, I'm pretty sure I checked...
Ted! You did not check plus one!
You are not bringing a date to my wedding!
But I already invited someone.
You are not bringing a guest, Ted.
The guest list has been closed for months. Months.
But I checked plus one. I always check plus one.
You absolutely did not check plus one.
If you had checked plus one, I'd have called you
to get the name of your guest, so I could have the place cards printed up.
Did I call you to get the name of your guest?
Is there a place card with her name printed on it?
She doesn't need a place card. She knows her name.
What's she eating?
You ordered the chicken. What did she order?
Do you see how your story is full of holes?
Come on, Claudia. We go way back.
Isn't there room for just one more person?
Don't make me hurt you, Ted.
I don't believe this. Claudia's crazy.
But to be fair, she's also hot.
I totally checked plus one. I'm sure I did.
- Yeah, right. - I did!
Yeah, I don't think you did. You know why?
Because deep down, you didn't want to show up at this thing with a date.
See, for all your big talk about being ready for a relationship,
deep down you're single.
It's your default setting.
Ted, you know what's in the back of your brain?
Great, here comes the little Barney speech.
Behind a curtain, in a dark little room,
secretly controlling your every move...
- A little Barney. - A little Barney.
A little Barney.
And you know what he said?
"Ted, you will bring no date to this wedding.
"You will hit on drunk bridesmaids with actual size Barney."
Wow, please stop.
I gotta call Claudia. If I just explain to her...
Ted, no. Let it go.
She's about to get married. She's got enough to worry about.
Then what am I gonna do?
The only thing you can do. Tell Robin she can't come.
LILY: Just a second.
(DOGS BARKING)
Hey.
- Listen... - Wait, two things. First of all,
I've been laying groundwork all afternoon.
Totally subtle. Totally cool. Not pushing. Not even nudging.
Just, the theme of today is, "Ted rocks!"
And she's picking up what I'm laying down.
- Lily, there's a problem... - Wait, no. Thing number two,
the dress. We got a dress.
Go.
Well, did I bring it,
or did I bring it? I think I brought it.
- Wow! - That's what I was going for.
I'm so excited about tomorrow. We're gonna have so much fun.
Yeah, about that...
I'll pick you up at 5:00.
So, the dress?
- I don't have a plus one for the wedding. - What?
I ran into Claudia and she told me I didn't check plus one on the reply card.
- Why didn't you check plus... - I did check plus one.
- But Robin is so excited. - I know.
- And the dress. - I know.
Okay, okay. We'll sneak her in.
We can't sneak her in. We're not ninjas.
- I wish we were ninjas. - I know.
You could always ask Stuart.
- Can I do that? - Well, sure.
You guys have been friends for a long time.
And it's 40% his wedding, too.
I don't know. It's gonna be a tough sell.
- Dude, no problem whatsoever. - Really?
Sure, the more the merrier.
Wow! Wow, thanks for being so cool about this.
'Cause you know, Claudia said...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This morning at the rehearsal,
Claudia called our 7-year-old flower girl a whore.
So don't take it personally, she's just a little stressed.
- Yeah, she's not usually like that. - No.
Well, thanks, Stu. It's gonna be a great wedding.
Honey, this magazine says more and more couples
are opting to have non-traditional weddings out in the woods.
Well, if a magazine says so, we should go get married in the woods,
like a couple of squirrels.
Squirrels don't get married, Marshall.
Like you could possibly know that.
I did it. I did it. I'm taking her to the wedding.
- Nice. - What? How?
I talked to Stuart.
You went around the bride.
This hornet's nest looks harmless.
Maybe I'll poke it with a stick.
Look, some gremlins. Let me go feed them after midnight.
Did you know about this?
It may have been my idea.
What? Stuart doesn't get a say?
So you admit it. The groom should have an equal say.
Oh, yeah, sure.
On the stupid stuff, like who comes.
So I can invite whoever I want?
Sure. There's plenty of room in the woods.
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
- It's Claudia. - So it begins.
Come on. It can't be that bad.
Here, Lily, you answer it.
What? Why?
Because this whole thing was your idea. And Claudia scares me.
But you're the guy...
Ted's phone.
Hi, Claudia.
What?
Now, I wasn't there, but from what I heard, it went something like this,
By the way, honey, Ted stopped by
and I told him he could bring his date to the wedding.
You what?
(FAST-FORWARD) I told him he could bring a date to the wedding.
...just tell me, instead of always undermining me at every turn.
(IN FAST-FORWARD)
...try to show a little flexibility. But no. It's all about you.
And your mother. Calling me all the time...
You know what? The wedding's off.
(DOOR SLAMMING)
(WHISPERING) They broke up.
It's not because of me, is it?
And my dad already paid for this huge wedding.
He's gonna kill me.
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
Then he's gonna kill Ted.
Then I'm gonna kill Ted.
- It's Robin. - (WHISPERING) Answer it.
- Lily's phone. - Ted? Where's Lily?
I need to tell her about these awesome shoes I just bought.
Lily's busy.
Okay. Well, I just wanted to say they're gorgeous
and Ted's gonna love them.
That's great. I'll tell Lily to tell me.
Listen. I really wanna keep talking but now's not a good time.
So, I'm really excited about tomorrow, okay, bye.
- Okay, bye. - Crap.
She bought some expensive shoes.
She's really looking forward to this.
- Do you think she's into me? - Ted, focus.
Okay, okay, sweetie.
Just calm down. Do you wanna go somewhere and talk?
I wanna go somewhere and drink.
Okay. Meet me at MacLaren's. I'll see you there.
- I feel terrible. - Well, feel terrible later.
Right now we gotta fix this.
Lily, you go down to the bar and comfort Claudia.
Ted and I'll go and try to talk some sense into Stuart.
Tell Claudia I'm sorry.
Did she seem pissed at me?
She said if there's no wedding tomorrow, you owe her father $400,000.
What say we get these crazy kids back together.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Hi, sad eyes. What's got you down?
Stuart and I just broke up.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
That's just... That's... Two vodka cranberries, please.
You remembered I drink vodka cranberries.
Remember?
When it comes to you, how can I forget?
They all drink vodka cranberries.
So, is there anything else you need, sweetie?
You got $400,000?
No. But I do have a hug.
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
Stuart, I don't know what to say.
- Lf I caused this in any way... - Ted, for all I know you did me
the biggest favor anyone's ever done me.
- Come on, man, you don't mean that. - No, I do.
This whole thing's made me realize I miss being single.
I miss staying out late and making messes and not cleaning them up.
- I miss owning porn! - (SCOFFS) Dude, who doesn't?
And, you know, I'll see some super hot model chick and I'll think,
"Why am I with Claudia? I could be with her."
That's just crazy.
I mean, you're the luckiest...
You and Claudia both are the luckiest.
The point is, I wanna get married. I want to settle down.
But right now, that's just not who I am. I'm not a commitment guy.
I'm a single guy.
Stuart, you don't have to be one or the other.
Everybody feels this way sometimes.
Relationships aren't easy. They're hard work.
It's about compromise, growing together, all that Dr. Phil crap.
Yeah, how would you know? You're not even married.
Okay, ask this guy. Nine years he's been with Lily.
He's the pro. This guy knows relationships.
Tell him, Marshall.
Stuart, don't get married.
- What? - Dude!
Look, I'm sorry.
Being in a couple is hard and committing,
making sacrifices, it's hard.
But if it's the right person, then it's easy.
Looking at that girl and knowing she's all you really want out of life,
that should be the easiest thing in the world.
And if it's not like that,
then she's not the one.
I'm sorry.
You know I don't have $400,000, right?
Maybe we got together too young.
Maybe that's what the problem was.
I mean, I'm 28 years old,
and I've really only ever been with one man.
(GASPS)
That's just... That's...
Two more vodka cranberries, please.
Claudia, it's all gonna be okay.
Thanks for listening, Barney.
It really means a lot to me.
Isn't it weird that we should run into each other like this?
Two souls
of equal levels of attractiveness.
Both fitting together like two pieces of a very attractive puzzle.
Oh, hell no!
(GROANING)
Claudia is getting married tomorrow,
and, so help me God, if I catch you
even so much as breathing the same air as her,
I will take those peanuts you're trying to pass off as testicles
and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out,
and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.
Wait. My eyes or my testicles?
One of each.
All right. All right.
Claudia.
Stuart!
- I'm so sorry. - I'm so sorry, too.
- I love you. - I love you, too, babe.
Marshall and Ted set me straight.
And when Marshall told me not to marry you it made me realize I...
- Marshall said what? - No, no, no...
It's more complicated than that.
No, he made me realize how much I love you.
These guys got us back together.
Okay, I'm cool. I'm cool.
So, where'd we land on the whole plus one thing?
(GROANING)
No, no, no, no. No.
It took three more vodka cranberries to subdue Claudia,
But eventually she graciously agreed to let me bring Robin,
Still wow.
Wow yourself. Look who else brought it.
Oh, yeah.
I thought about leaving it at home, but I figured, I don't want to get there
and realize I need it and have to go all the way back to get it.
So, yeah, I brought it.
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
Sorry.
Hello?
Oh, my God, tonight?
You're kidding.
They want me to anchor the news tonight.
Really?
Like, anchor anchor?
Well, what happened to Sandy?
Okay.
Okay. Sure. What time do you need me to... Right now?
Do it.
Okay, I need, like, five minutes to change,
and I'll call you from the cab...
So admit it.
This wedding is both indoors and amazing.
I'll give you the crab puffs. The crab puffs are good.
The crab puffs were incredible.
We should totally have them at our wedding.
Definitely.
We just agreed on something.
- Did we just start planning our wedding? - I think that we did.
We totally have to get that brown dipping sauce.
I think the red sauce was, like, awesome.
My God, were you born without taste buds?
What?
I love you.
Coming up, are there snakes living in your walls?
The answer may surprise you. After the break.
Man, you know something, Stuart's my new hero.
If that dude can bag a nine,
I gotta be able to bag, like, a 16.
What's a 16?
Those two eights right over there. Yeah.
- Hi, Ted. - Claudia.
We just wanted to get a picture
with the woman who almost ended our relationship.
Yeah, where is she?
(CLEARS THROAT)
She couldn't make it.
- What's so funny? - Plan a wedding. You'll see.
Look at that.
That's how it's supposed to be. That right there.
Easy. Simple.
It's just not like that with Robin.
It's not easy, and on some level,
it has to just be easy.
Speaking of easy, bridesmaids, Ted. Bridesmaids.
By the way, I almost forgot. We found this.
I didn't check plus one.
You were right.
Of course I was right.
I'm single.
Maybe that's just who I am. And you know what?
- I like being single. - Being single's the best.
- Yeah! Stay out as late as you want. - Answer to no one.
The whole world full of endless possibilities.
Never having to go to a farmer's market.
Okay, doing some math here.
Table six has got three bridesmaids.
An eight, an eight, and a seven.
I am willing to give you one of the eights,
lowering myself to a fifteen.
Which means, you owe me...
So there we were, Two single guys
doing our usual single guy thing,
For whatever reason, I had let myself believe
that this night would be a turning point,
That this was the night my life, my real life, would finally begin,
The funny thing is, I wasn't totally wrong,
Because that night was just beginning,