1
00:00:15,749 --> 00:00:18,217
OLDER TED; When you're single,
and your friends start to get married,
2
00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:22,379
every wedding invitation presents
a strange moment of self-evaluation,
3
00:00:22,489 --> 00:00:25,549
Will you be bringing a guest
or will you be attending alone?
4
00:00:25,658 --> 00:00:27,216
What it's really asking is,
5
00:00:27,327 --> 00:00:29,454
where do you see yourself
in three months?
6
00:00:29,562 --> 00:00:33,157
Sitting next to your girlfriend,
or hitting on a bridesmaid?
7
00:00:33,266 --> 00:00:35,826
I always checked
that I was bringing a guest,
8
00:00:36,136 --> 00:00:37,569
I was an optimist,
9
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,667
Who the hell am I gonna bring
to this wedding?
10
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:44,141
Ted, have you ignored all of my teachings?
11
00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:45,575
For the most part, yeah.
12
00:00:45,678 --> 00:00:47,077
You don't bring a date to a wedding.
13
00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:50,775
That's like bringing a deer carcass
on a hunting trip. Oh, Ted. Oh, Ted.
14
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,283
No, no date!
15
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:55,047
Deer carcass, really? That's the metaphor
you're going with here?
16
00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:56,782
Ted, it's a simile.
17
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,084
Well, it's too late now.
18
00:00:58,191 --> 00:01:02,059
If I don't bring a date, a $200 piece
of chicken/salmon will go uneaten.
19
00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:03,823
I gotta bring someone, but who?
20
00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:05,921
Of course I knew who I wanted to bring,
21
00:01:06,032 --> 00:01:09,001
Robin, The big unanswered question
in my life,
22
00:01:09,436 --> 00:01:12,928
Problem was, she was dating
this really rich guy named Derek,
23
00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:14,130
(SCOFFS)
24
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,400
Derek!
25
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,476
Well, Derek and I just broke up.
26
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:20,876
LILY: No, that's terrible. Are you okay?
27
00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:24,381
- Yeah, do you need a drink or something?
- No. We never really clicked.
28
00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:26,315
I felt bad though. He was pretty bummed.
29
00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:28,649
Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine.
30
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,484
I mean, the guy's, like, a billionaire.
31
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:32,615
He can put his platinum card
on a fishing line
32
00:01:32,725 --> 00:01:34,625
and reel in 10 chicks hotter than you.
33
00:01:34,727 --> 00:01:36,695
Thanks. I feel a lot better.
34
00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:38,957
I think I'll get that drink now.
35
00:01:40,867 --> 00:01:43,233
Okay, guys. I gotta say something.
36
00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:46,598
I think my feelings for Robin
may be resurfacing.
37
00:01:47,740 --> 00:01:50,834
Oh, please.
They were buried in a shallow grave.
38
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:51,968
MARSHALL: Not again.
39
00:01:52,078 --> 00:01:54,842
Come on. Dude, we all know
how this movie ends.
40
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:58,008
Ted falls in love.
Love kicks Ted in the sprouts.
41
00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,312
Roll credits.
42
00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:02,183
No! You guys just have to look
at the whole picture.
43
00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:05,052
Fact. Robin was into me
when we first met.
44
00:02:06,092 --> 00:02:08,060
Fact, Even though
she didn't want a relationship,
45
00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:10,629
we had an amazing kiss on the roof,
46
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:14,029
Fact, On New Year's Eve, we kissed again,
47
00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:18,195
Fact. I need a date to this wedding.
Wish me luck.
48
00:02:19,672 --> 00:02:22,937
What I don't get is
why is Claudia marrying Stuart?
49
00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:25,510
She's way hotter than him. How way?
50
00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:27,574
Way way.
51
00:02:28,781 --> 00:02:31,682
This wedding does sound
pretty amazing though.
52
00:02:32,018 --> 00:02:33,849
Fancy hotel ballroom.
53
00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:35,920
Everybody all dressed up.
54
00:02:36,022 --> 00:02:37,649
- Here we go.
- What?
55
00:02:37,757 --> 00:02:39,850
We can't get anywhere
with our wedding plans
56
00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:42,792
because I want it to be fun
and Marshall wants it to be lame.
57
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:45,490
Yeah, okay, that's a pretty fair
assessment of our two arguments.
58
00:02:45,598 --> 00:02:46,895
I thought so.
59
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,399
You know what, excuse me
60
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:51,231
if I don't wanna get married
barefoot in the woods next to
61
00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:53,532
Lake No One's Gonna Drive That Far.
62
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:55,699
Yes, I want a ballroom.
63
00:02:55,942 --> 00:02:58,410
And I want a band. And I want shoes.
64
00:02:58,811 --> 00:03:01,473
I've been dreaming about this day,
since I was, like...
65
00:03:01,581 --> 00:03:03,105
A little girl?
66
00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:04,776
What up?
67
00:03:04,884 --> 00:03:07,045
Okay, I'm just saying
that it's my wedding, too,
68
00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:08,711
and I should have a say in it.
69
00:03:08,821 --> 00:03:10,618
Yes, but I'm the bride, so I win.
70
00:03:10,723 --> 00:03:13,886
Well, I thought marriage was about
two equal partners sharing a life together.
71
00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:16,553
Right, but I'm the bride, so I win.
72
00:03:17,263 --> 00:03:19,823
I mean, seriously. Claudia and Stuart?
73
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:21,560
I mean, I've hooked up with the odd lass
74
00:03:21,668 --> 00:03:23,533
who was beneath
my level of attractiveness.
75
00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:25,365
But, you know, I was drunk.
76
00:03:25,471 --> 00:03:28,872
There's no way Claudia
has been drunk for three years.
77
00:03:28,975 --> 00:03:30,408
You know, I've always found
78
00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:32,774
that the best way
to get over a failed relationship
79
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,938
is to celebrate someone else's
successful one.
80
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,481
Makes sense.
81
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:38,481
So, with that in mind,
82
00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:42,681
our friends Claudia and Stuart are having
this crazy black tie wedding on Saturday.
83
00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,484
You wanna be my plus one?
84
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,519
Plus one. You make it sound so romantic.
85
00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:49,060
Fine.
86
00:03:50,363 --> 00:03:52,058
You wanna be my date?
87
00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:53,325
Your date?
88
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:56,068
I'd love to.
89
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,204
How fancy are we talking about here?
90
00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,898
- You're gonna wanna bring your "A" game.
- I'll bring it.
91
00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:05,171
I'll bring it so hard the bride's gonna look
like a big white bag of crap.
92
00:04:06,045 --> 00:04:08,138
Lily, I need a dress.
93
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,772
You're going? That's awesome!
94
00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:11,679
Oh, my God, four days to find a dress?
95
00:04:11,784 --> 00:04:13,411
I know. It's a suicide mission.
96
00:04:13,519 --> 00:04:14,918
Well, if we leave now
97
00:04:15,021 --> 00:04:17,581
- we can still have a fighting chance.
- Let's do it.
98
00:04:17,690 --> 00:04:18,850
Bye, babe.
99
00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:22,259
Did you see how fired up she was?
100
00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:24,057
I don't know, there's something there.
101
00:04:24,163 --> 00:04:27,360
And come Saturday, little music,
little dancing, a lot of champagne.
102
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:28,661
Who knows?
103
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:30,759
Ted, you're gonna have to find
another gender for yourself
104
00:04:30,870 --> 00:04:33,304
'cause I'm revoking
your dude membership.
105
00:04:33,406 --> 00:04:36,000
Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?
106
00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:38,639
Invigorating, thanks.
107
00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:39,812
OLDER TED; Okay, I wasn't going to say it
in front of the guys,
108
00:04:39,812 --> 00:04:42,246
OLDER TED; Okay, I wasn't going to say it
in front of the guys,
109
00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:45,010
but back then
I really thought that's how it worked,
110
00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:53,355
You put yourself and a girl you like
in some romantic setting,
111
00:04:55,928 --> 00:04:57,520
The stars line up,
112
00:04:58,264 --> 00:04:59,788
and shazam!
113
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:04,599
I know now that life is never that simple,
114
00:05:04,704 --> 00:05:06,035
Hey, Claudia!
115
00:05:06,939 --> 00:05:10,340
Yes, I want Tahitian vanilla!
You wrote it down wrong?
116
00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:12,009
No, no, no! Listen to me.
117
00:05:12,111 --> 00:05:14,739
If I go to my wedding and the cake
is not Tahitian vanilla,
118
00:05:14,847 --> 00:05:17,714
I will come down there and burn
your little shop to the ground.
119
00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:21,082
Do you wanna find out if I'm kidding?
Yeah, goodbye.
120
00:05:21,587 --> 00:05:22,611
Hey!
121
00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:24,053
(CLAUDIA GROANING)
122
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,146
How's it going?
123
00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,749
My wedding is in two days,
that's how it's going.
124
00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:30,590
Don't worry. It's gonna be great.
I'm so excited.
125
00:05:30,697 --> 00:05:32,392
You should be. Lots of single girls.
126
00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:34,693
Well, yeah, I'm bringing a date.
127
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:37,634
- So I'll be off the market.
- What?
128
00:05:37,737 --> 00:05:38,999
I'm bringing a date.
129
00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:41,164
You're not bringing a date.
130
00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:42,468
Yes, I am.
131
00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:44,475
No, you're not.
132
00:05:44,577 --> 00:05:47,045
- I checked plus one.
- No, you didn't.
133
00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:48,909
Claudia, I'm pretty sure I checked...
134
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,607
Ted! You did not check plus one!
135
00:05:50,717 --> 00:05:53,481
You are not bringing a date
to my wedding!
136
00:05:56,456 --> 00:05:58,219
But I already invited someone.
137
00:05:58,324 --> 00:05:59,985
You are not bringing a guest, Ted.
138
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,288
The guest list has been closed
for months. Months.
139
00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:04,920
But I checked plus one.
I always check plus one.
140
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:07,261
You absolutely did not check plus one.
141
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,629
If you had checked plus one,
I'd have called you
142
00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:11,226
to get the name of your guest,
so I could have the place cards printed up.
143
00:06:11,337 --> 00:06:12,497
Did I call you to get the name
of your guest?
144
00:06:12,605 --> 00:06:14,470
Is there a place card
with her name printed on it?
145
00:06:14,574 --> 00:06:16,474
She doesn't need a place card.
She knows her name.
146
00:06:16,576 --> 00:06:17,736
What's she eating?
147
00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:19,641
You ordered the chicken.
What did she order?
148
00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:22,340
Do you see how your story is full of holes?
149
00:06:22,448 --> 00:06:24,439
Come on, Claudia. We go way back.
150
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,518
Isn't there room for just one more person?
151
00:06:26,619 --> 00:06:28,678
Don't make me hurt you, Ted.
152
00:06:29,689 --> 00:06:32,385
I don't believe this. Claudia's crazy.
153
00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:34,392
But to be fair, she's also hot.
154
00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:36,462
I totally checked plus one. I'm sure I did.
155
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:37,961
- Yeah, right.
- I did!
156
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:40,328
Yeah, I don't think you did.
You know why?
157
00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:43,027
Because deep down, you didn't want
to show up at this thing with a date.
158
00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:46,572
See, for all your big talk about
being ready for a relationship,
159
00:06:46,672 --> 00:06:47,832
deep down you're single.
160
00:06:47,940 --> 00:06:49,840
It's your default setting.
161
00:06:49,942 --> 00:06:52,502
Ted, you know what's
in the back of your brain?
162
00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:54,512
Great, here comes
the little Barney speech.
163
00:06:54,614 --> 00:06:56,844
Behind a curtain, in a dark little room,
164
00:06:56,949 --> 00:06:59,474
secretly controlling your every move...
165
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:01,746
- A little Barney.
- A little Barney.
166
00:07:01,854 --> 00:07:03,549
A little Barney.
167
00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:06,518
And you know what he said?
168
00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:10,460
"Ted, you will bring no date
to this wedding.
169
00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:15,000
"You will hit on drunk bridesmaids
with actual size Barney."
170
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,035
Wow, please stop.
171
00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,465
I gotta call Claudia.
If I just explain to her...
172
00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:21,403
Ted, no. Let it go.
173
00:07:21,507 --> 00:07:23,907
She's about to get married.
She's got enough to worry about.
174
00:07:24,010 --> 00:07:25,238
Then what am I gonna do?
175
00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:28,677
The only thing you can do.
Tell Robin she can't come.
176
00:07:32,985 --> 00:07:34,452
LILY: Just a second.
177
00:07:34,587 --> 00:07:35,918
(DOGS BARKING)
178
00:07:36,622 --> 00:07:37,714
Hey.
179
00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:40,122
- Listen...
- Wait, two things. First of all,
180
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:41,921
I've been laying groundwork all afternoon.
181
00:07:42,028 --> 00:07:45,259
Totally subtle. Totally cool. Not pushing.
Not even nudging.
182
00:07:45,364 --> 00:07:47,525
Just, the theme of today is, "Ted rocks!"
183
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,498
And she's picking up
what I'm laying down.
184
00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:51,695
- Lily, there's a problem...
- Wait, no. Thing number two,
185
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:54,170
the dress. We got a dress.
186
00:07:57,276 --> 00:07:58,265
Go.
187
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:02,243
Well, did I bring it,
188
00:08:04,283 --> 00:08:07,013
or did I bring it? I think I brought it.
189
00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:10,753
- Wow!
- That's what I was going for.
190
00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:14,725
I'm so excited about tomorrow.
We're gonna have so much fun.
191
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,590
Yeah, about that...
192
00:08:18,798 --> 00:08:20,629
I'll pick you up at 5:00.
193
00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:26,932
So, the dress?
194
00:08:27,773 --> 00:08:30,241
- I don't have a plus one for the wedding.
- What?
195
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:33,608
I ran into Claudia and she told me
I didn't check plus one on the reply card.
196
00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:36,375
- Why didn't you check plus...
- I did check plus one.
197
00:08:36,482 --> 00:08:38,780
- But Robin is so excited.
- I know.
198
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:40,944
- And the dress.
- I know.
199
00:08:41,921 --> 00:08:44,014
Okay, okay. We'll sneak her in.
200
00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:46,489
We can't sneak her in. We're not ninjas.
201
00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:48,787
- I wish we were ninjas.
- I know.
202
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:52,393
You could always ask Stuart.
203
00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:54,022
- Can I do that?
- Well, sure.
204
00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:56,727
You guys have been friends
for a long time.
205
00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:58,997
And it's 40% his wedding, too.
206
00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:02,274
I don't know. It's gonna be a tough sell.
207
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,969
- Dude, no problem whatsoever.
- Really?
208
00:09:05,077 --> 00:09:06,806
Sure, the more the merrier.
209
00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:09,381
Wow! Wow, thanks for being
so cool about this.
210
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:10,574
'Cause you know, Claudia said...
211
00:09:10,683 --> 00:09:12,241
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This morning at the rehearsal,
212
00:09:12,351 --> 00:09:15,411
Claudia called our 7-year-old
flower girl a whore.
213
00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:18,680
So don't take it personally,
she's just a little stressed.
214
00:09:18,791 --> 00:09:21,385
- Yeah, she's not usually like that.
- No.
215
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:27,495
Well, thanks, Stu.
It's gonna be a great wedding.
216
00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:32,370
Honey, this magazine says
more and more couples
217
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:35,702
are opting to have non-traditional
weddings out in the woods.
218
00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:38,709
Well, if a magazine says so, we should
go get married in the woods,
219
00:09:38,811 --> 00:09:40,870
like a couple of squirrels.
220
00:09:41,147 --> 00:09:43,672
Squirrels don't get married, Marshall.
221
00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:45,751
Like you could possibly know that.
222
00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:49,783
I did it. I did it.
I'm taking her to the wedding.
223
00:09:49,889 --> 00:09:51,447
- Nice.
- What? How?
224
00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:53,320
I talked to Stuart.
225
00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:55,850
You went around the bride.
226
00:09:56,062 --> 00:09:57,893
This hornet's nest looks harmless.
227
00:09:57,997 --> 00:10:00,022
Maybe I'll poke it with a stick.
228
00:10:00,232 --> 00:10:03,133
Look, some gremlins.
Let me go feed them after midnight.
229
00:10:03,235 --> 00:10:05,294
Did you know about this?
230
00:10:05,638 --> 00:10:07,299
It may have been my idea.
231
00:10:08,074 --> 00:10:10,838
What? Stuart doesn't get a say?
232
00:10:11,410 --> 00:10:14,208
So you admit it.
The groom should have an equal say.
233
00:10:14,313 --> 00:10:15,541
Oh, yeah, sure.
234
00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:18,014
On the stupid stuff, like who comes.
235
00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:19,812
So I can invite whoever I want?
236
00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:22,649
Sure. There's plenty of room in the woods.
237
00:10:22,755 --> 00:10:23,983
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
238
00:10:25,524 --> 00:10:28,186
- It's Claudia.
- So it begins.
239
00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:30,853
Come on. It can't be that bad.
240
00:10:31,864 --> 00:10:33,456
Here, Lily, you answer it.
241
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:34,555
What? Why?
242
00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:37,568
Because this whole thing was your idea.
And Claudia scares me.
243
00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:39,934
But you're the guy...
244
00:10:41,207 --> 00:10:42,504
Ted's phone.
245
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,041
Hi, Claudia.
246
00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:46,035
What?
247
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:50,377
Now, I wasn't there, but from what
I heard, it went something like this,
248
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:52,175
By the way, honey, Ted stopped by
249
00:10:52,284 --> 00:10:54,514
and I told him he could bring his date
to the wedding.
250
00:10:54,620 --> 00:10:55,678
You what?
251
00:10:55,788 --> 00:10:58,313
(FAST-FORWARD) I told him he could bring
a date to the wedding.
252
00:10:58,424 --> 00:11:01,552
...just tell me, instead of
always undermining me at every turn.
253
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,219
(IN FAST-FORWARD)
254
00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:07,930
...try to show a little flexibility.
But no. It's all about you.
255
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,895
And your mother. Calling me all the time...
256
00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,808
You know what? The wedding's off.
257
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:21,168
(DOOR SLAMMING)
258
00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:23,548
(WHISPERING) They broke up.
259
00:11:26,652 --> 00:11:28,779
It's not because of me, is it?
260
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:31,789
And my dad already paid
for this huge wedding.
261
00:11:31,891 --> 00:11:33,483
He's gonna kill me.
262
00:11:33,592 --> 00:11:34,559
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
263
00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:35,888
Then he's gonna kill Ted.
264
00:11:35,995 --> 00:11:37,758
Then I'm gonna kill Ted.
265
00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:39,961
- It's Robin.
- (WHISPERING) Answer it.
266
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,930
- Lily's phone.
- Ted? Where's Lily?
267
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:46,061
I need to tell her about
these awesome shoes I just bought.
268
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:47,639
Lily's busy.
269
00:11:48,174 --> 00:11:50,335
Okay. Well, I just wanted to say
they're gorgeous
270
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:51,842
and Ted's gonna love them.
271
00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:54,344
That's great. I'll tell Lily to tell me.
272
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:57,280
Listen. I really wanna keep talking
but now's not a good time.
273
00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,544
So, I'm really excited
about tomorrow, okay, bye.
274
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:01,085
- Okay, bye.
- Crap.
275
00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:02,654
She bought some expensive shoes.
276
00:12:02,755 --> 00:12:04,746
She's really looking forward to this.
277
00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:06,916
- Do you think she's into me?
- Ted, focus.
278
00:12:07,026 --> 00:12:08,220
Okay, okay, sweetie.
279
00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:11,558
Just calm down.
Do you wanna go somewhere and talk?
280
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,655
I wanna go somewhere and drink.
281
00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:16,667
Okay. Meet me at MacLaren's.
I'll see you there.
282
00:12:18,137 --> 00:12:20,298
- I feel terrible.
- Well, feel terrible later.
283
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:21,395
Right now we gotta fix this.
284
00:12:21,507 --> 00:12:23,168
Lily, you go down to the bar
and comfort Claudia.
285
00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:25,743
Ted and I'll go and try to talk
some sense into Stuart.
286
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:27,540
Tell Claudia I'm sorry.
287
00:12:27,646 --> 00:12:28,943
Did she seem pissed at me?
288
00:12:29,048 --> 00:12:33,178
She said if there's no wedding tomorrow,
you owe her father $400,000.
289
00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:37,416
What say we get these crazy kids
back together.
290
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,616
(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
291
00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:45,053
Hi, sad eyes. What's got you down?
292
00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:49,724
Stuart and I just broke up.
293
00:12:50,202 --> 00:12:52,796
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
294
00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:55,931
That's just... That's...
Two vodka cranberries, please.
295
00:12:57,042 --> 00:12:59,636
You remembered
I drink vodka cranberries.
296
00:12:59,745 --> 00:13:00,973
Remember?
297
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:04,176
When it comes to you, how can I forget?
298
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:09,152
They all drink vodka cranberries.
299
00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:13,719
So, is there anything else
you need, sweetie?
300
00:13:15,194 --> 00:13:17,458
You got $400,000?
301
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:20,327
No. But I do have a hug.
302
00:13:26,338 --> 00:13:27,532
(WHISPERS) Thank you.
303
00:13:31,243 --> 00:13:32,801
Stuart, I don't know what to say.
304
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:35,039
- Lf I caused this in any way...
- Ted, for all I know you did me
305
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:37,240
the biggest favor anyone's ever done me.
306
00:13:37,349 --> 00:13:39,340
- Come on, man, you don't mean that.
- No, I do.
307
00:13:39,451 --> 00:13:41,976
This whole thing's made me realize
I miss being single.
308
00:13:42,087 --> 00:13:45,250
I miss staying out late and making
messes and not cleaning them up.
309
00:13:45,357 --> 00:13:48,292
- I miss owning porn!
- (SCOFFS) Dude, who doesn't?
310
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,763
And, you know, I'll see some
super hot model chick and I'll think,
311
00:13:51,864 --> 00:13:54,662
"Why am I with Claudia?
I could be with her."
312
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,598
That's just crazy.
313
00:13:57,236 --> 00:13:58,794
I mean, you're the luckiest...
314
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:00,496
You and Claudia both are the luckiest.
315
00:14:00,606 --> 00:14:02,699
The point is, I wanna get married.
I want to settle down.
316
00:14:02,808 --> 00:14:05,402
But right now, that's just not who I am.
I'm not a commitment guy.
317
00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:06,500
I'm a single guy.
318
00:14:06,612 --> 00:14:09,410
Stuart, you don't have
to be one or the other.
319
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,745
Everybody feels this way sometimes.
320
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,046
Relationships aren't easy.
They're hard work.
321
00:14:14,153 --> 00:14:17,350
It's about compromise, growing together,
all that Dr. Phil crap.
322
00:14:17,456 --> 00:14:19,424
Yeah, how would you know?
You're not even married.
323
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:22,426
Okay, ask this guy.
Nine years he's been with Lily.
324
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:24,257
He's the pro.
This guy knows relationships.
325
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,024
Tell him, Marshall.
326
00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:28,226
Stuart, don't get married.
327
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:29,596
- What?
- Dude!
328
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,192
Look, I'm sorry.
329
00:14:31,303 --> 00:14:33,828
Being in a couple is hard and committing,
330
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,907
making sacrifices, it's hard.
331
00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:38,909
But if it's the right person, then it's easy.
332
00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:41,445
Looking at that girl and knowing
she's all you really want out of life,
333
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,344
that should be the easiest thing
in the world.
334
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:45,110
And if it's not like that,
335
00:14:45,217 --> 00:14:47,117
then she's not the one.
336
00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:48,277
I'm sorry.
337
00:14:53,092 --> 00:14:55,686
You know I don't have $400,000, right?
338
00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:59,622
Maybe we got together too young.
339
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,064
Maybe that's what the problem was.
340
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:05,432
I mean, I'm 28 years old,
341
00:15:05,938 --> 00:15:09,339
and I've really only ever been
with one man.
342
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:10,567
(GASPS)
343
00:15:10,676 --> 00:15:13,668
That's just... That's...
344
00:15:13,779 --> 00:15:16,247
Two more vodka cranberries, please.
345
00:15:18,350 --> 00:15:21,478
Claudia, it's all gonna be okay.
346
00:15:23,956 --> 00:15:26,288
Thanks for listening, Barney.
347
00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:28,326
It really means a lot to me.
348
00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:33,127
Isn't it weird that we should
run into each other like this?
349
00:15:33,966 --> 00:15:35,331
Two souls
350
00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:38,334
of equal levels of attractiveness.
351
00:15:39,305 --> 00:15:44,800
Both fitting together like
two pieces of a very attractive puzzle.
352
00:15:45,844 --> 00:15:47,402
Oh, hell no!
353
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:48,946
(GROANING)
354
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,042
Claudia is getting married tomorrow,
355
00:15:52,151 --> 00:15:54,016
and, so help me God, if I catch you
356
00:15:54,119 --> 00:15:56,587
even so much as breathing
the same air as her,
357
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:59,453
I will take those peanuts
you're trying to pass off as testicles
358
00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:02,152
and I will squeeze them so hard
your eyes pop out,
359
00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:05,025
and then I'll feed them to you like grapes.
360
00:16:05,264 --> 00:16:07,596
Wait. My eyes or my testicles?
361
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:08,826
One of each.
362
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:10,834
All right. All right.
363
00:16:11,203 --> 00:16:12,465
Claudia.
364
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:14,300
Stuart!
365
00:16:14,406 --> 00:16:16,772
- I'm so sorry.
- I'm so sorry, too.
366
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,740
- I love you.
- I love you, too, babe.
367
00:16:19,845 --> 00:16:21,642
Marshall and Ted set me straight.
368
00:16:21,747 --> 00:16:24,580
And when Marshall told me
not to marry you it made me realize I...
369
00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:26,082
- Marshall said what?
- No, no, no...
370
00:16:26,185 --> 00:16:27,243
It's more complicated than that.
371
00:16:27,353 --> 00:16:28,877
No, he made me realize
how much I love you.
372
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,853
These guys got us back together.
373
00:16:30,956 --> 00:16:32,924
Okay, I'm cool. I'm cool.
374
00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:49,868
So, where'd we land on
the whole plus one thing?
375
00:16:50,142 --> 00:16:51,439
(GROANING)
376
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:52,577
No, no, no, no. No.
377
00:16:52,811 --> 00:16:56,178
It took three more vodka cranberries
to subdue Claudia,
378
00:16:56,281 --> 00:16:59,944
But eventually she graciously
agreed to let me bring Robin,
379
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,220
Still wow.
380
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,348
Wow yourself. Look who else brought it.
381
00:17:07,459 --> 00:17:08,653
Oh, yeah.
382
00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:12,162
I thought about leaving it at home,
but I figured, I don't want to get there
383
00:17:12,264 --> 00:17:14,562
and realize I need it and have to go
all the way back to get it.
384
00:17:14,666 --> 00:17:16,463
So, yeah, I brought it.
385
00:17:16,902 --> 00:17:18,028
(CELLPHONE RINGING)
386
00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:19,365
Sorry.
387
00:17:22,307 --> 00:17:23,433
Hello?
388
00:17:25,277 --> 00:17:26,505
Oh, my God, tonight?
389
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:27,840
You're kidding.
390
00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:30,437
They want me to anchor the news tonight.
391
00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:31,743
Really?
392
00:17:31,850 --> 00:17:33,977
Like, anchor anchor?
393
00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:37,548
Well, what happened to Sandy?
394
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:38,884
Okay.
395
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:42,589
Okay. Sure. What time do you
need me to... Right now?
396
00:17:45,130 --> 00:17:46,290
Do it.
397
00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:49,459
Do it.
398
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:53,905
Okay, I need, like, five minutes to change,
399
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:56,065
and I'll call you from the cab...
400
00:18:06,185 --> 00:18:07,482
So admit it.
401
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:10,714
This wedding is both indoors and amazing.
402
00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:14,023
I'll give you the crab puffs.
The crab puffs are good.
403
00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:15,184
The crab puffs were incredible.
404
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:17,091
We should totally have them
at our wedding.
405
00:18:17,196 --> 00:18:18,458
Definitely.
406
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,593
We just agreed on something.
407
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:25,397
- Did we just start planning our wedding?
- I think that we did.
408
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:30,499
We totally have to get
that brown dipping sauce.
409
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:33,305
I think the red sauce was, like, awesome.
410
00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:36,040
My God, were you born
without taste buds?
411
00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:38,641
What?
412
00:18:39,751 --> 00:18:41,116
I love you.
413
00:18:47,559 --> 00:18:50,221
Coming up, are there snakes
living in your walls?
414
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:53,321
The answer may surprise you.
After the break.
415
00:19:00,806 --> 00:19:03,502
Man, you know something,
Stuart's my new hero.
416
00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:05,735
If that dude can bag a nine,
417
00:19:05,844 --> 00:19:08,278
I gotta be able to bag, like, a 16.
418
00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:10,211
What's a 16?
419
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:13,580
Those two eights right over there. Yeah.
420
00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:16,987
- Hi, Ted.
- Claudia.
421
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:19,114
We just wanted to get a picture
422
00:19:19,224 --> 00:19:21,385
with the woman who almost
ended our relationship.
423
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,188
Yeah, where is she?
424
00:19:23,795 --> 00:19:24,784
(CLEARS THROAT)
425
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,660
She couldn't make it.
426
00:19:29,768 --> 00:19:33,067
- What's so funny?
- Plan a wedding. You'll see.
427
00:19:38,076 --> 00:19:39,600
Look at that.
428
00:19:39,711 --> 00:19:42,407
That's how it's supposed to be.
That right there.
429
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:43,879
Easy. Simple.
430
00:19:44,816 --> 00:19:47,284
It's just not like that with Robin.
431
00:19:47,486 --> 00:19:50,011
It's not easy, and on some level,
432
00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:52,181
it has to just be easy.
433
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:57,992
Speaking of easy, bridesmaids, Ted.
Bridesmaids.
434
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:01,799
By the way, I almost forgot. We found this.
435
00:20:07,472 --> 00:20:09,406
I didn't check plus one.
436
00:20:09,908 --> 00:20:11,068
You were right.
437
00:20:11,176 --> 00:20:12,734
Of course I was right.
438
00:20:14,279 --> 00:20:15,712
I'm single.
439
00:20:16,348 --> 00:20:18,908
Maybe that's just who I am.
And you know what?
440
00:20:19,017 --> 00:20:20,882
- I like being single.
- Being single's the best.
441
00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:23,955
- Yeah! Stay out as late as you want.
- Answer to no one.
442
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,616
The whole world
full of endless possibilities.
443
00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:29,421
Never having to go to a farmer's market.
444
00:20:33,765 --> 00:20:35,824
Okay, doing some math here.
445
00:20:36,602 --> 00:20:38,069
Table six has got three bridesmaids.
446
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,468
An eight, an eight, and a seven.
447
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:43,400
I am willing to give you one of the eights,
448
00:20:43,508 --> 00:20:45,373
lowering myself to a fifteen.
449
00:20:45,477 --> 00:20:47,172
Which means, you owe me...
450
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:50,279
So there we were, Two single guys
451
00:20:50,382 --> 00:20:52,748
doing our usual single guy thing,
452
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:55,246
For whatever reason,
I had let myself believe
453
00:20:55,354 --> 00:20:57,549
that this night would be a turning point,
454
00:20:57,656 --> 00:21:01,752
That this was the night my life,
my real life, would finally begin,
455
00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:05,487
The funny thing is, I wasn't totally wrong,
456
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:15,500
Because that night was just beginning,