1
00:00:01,064 --> 00:00:03,923
<i>Kids, in a fall of 2008,
I had a little problem</i>

2
00:00:04,084 --> 00:00:06,167
All right, I got to get to Stella's.

3
00:00:07,361 --> 00:00:10,077
Tonight's the night. I've tried it
before, I've failed every time.

4
00:00:10,197 --> 00:00:12,759
This time, I am gonna do it.
Tonight...

5
00:00:14,284 --> 00:00:15,974
I pick up a lesbian.

6
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:19,397
Robin, I need your lipstick.

7
00:00:20,892 --> 00:00:21,816
Oh, man!

8
00:00:22,768 --> 00:00:25,168
- Take pictures, all right?
- Bye, Ted.

9
00:00:27,221 --> 00:00:28,198
<i>I lived in NY,</i>

10
00:00:29,727 --> 00:00:32,744
<i>but Stella lived across</i>
<i>the river, in New Jersey...</i>

11
00:00:34,724 --> 00:00:35,955
Oh, man!

12
00:00:38,701 --> 00:00:40,693
<i>...which meant I was always
taking the train.</i>

13
00:00:40,813 --> 00:00:42,844
- What's up, Ted?
- Hey, Matisse.

14
00:00:44,541 --> 00:00:46,299
- Hey, T-Diddy!
- Theodore!

15
00:00:46,459 --> 00:00:48,927
- You missed it.
- Robin got that national anchor job.

16
00:00:49,087 --> 00:00:51,158
And we got a free
bottle of champagne.

17
00:00:51,278 --> 00:00:52,829
But it's empty now.

18
00:00:52,949 --> 00:00:54,224
Oh, man!

19
00:00:54,546 --> 00:00:57,560
<i>And as result, it seemed like</i>
<i>I was missing out on everything.</i>

20
00:00:58,973 --> 00:01:01,022
Sorry, we couldn't wait.
It was getting cold.

21
00:01:01,182 --> 00:01:02,232
Oh, man!

22
00:01:02,392 --> 00:01:04,192
- Hey, big guy.
- What's up, G?

23
00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:07,346
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. It's just...

24
00:01:07,466 --> 00:01:10,460
You know, I want to hang out
with you guys, with my friends.

25
00:01:10,580 --> 00:01:12,742
I just feel like I'm spending
all my time on the train.

26
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:16,723
OK, how about this, why don't you ask
your friends to come out here sometime?

27
00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:18,415
That's a great idea.

28
00:01:18,575 --> 00:01:21,418
You want us to go to New Jersey?
Oh, that is rich.

29
00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:23,669
- Why?
- Well, for starters,

30
00:01:23,789 --> 00:01:26,091
I don't have any
of my gold medallions anymore.

31
00:01:26,373 --> 00:01:29,592
I sold them when they went
out of style 400 years ago.

32
00:01:30,559 --> 00:01:32,427
- Lily?
- Oh, sorry, Ted.

33
00:01:32,547 --> 00:01:34,264
I'm a born and raised New Yorker.

34
00:01:34,424 --> 00:01:36,266
I'm programmed
to despise and loathe

35
00:01:36,426 --> 00:01:38,319
New Jersey and all
that it stands for.

36
00:01:38,439 --> 00:01:41,604
Why am I telling you this?
You hate New Jersey more than anyone.

37
00:01:41,764 --> 00:01:44,441
What? I don't hate New Jersey.
Why would you think that?

38
00:01:44,769 --> 00:01:47,944
And then he cut in front of me.
God, I hate line cutters

39
00:01:48,104 --> 00:01:50,113
more than I hate New Jersey.

40
00:01:51,274 --> 00:01:54,367
That's not true. There's nothing
I hate more than New Jersey.

41
00:01:59,573 --> 00:02:00,491
Right?

42
00:02:02,646 --> 00:02:05,478
- You want us to wait for you?
- No, I might be awhile.

43
00:02:05,598 --> 00:02:07,580
I got a drop a massive New Jersey.

44
00:02:08,774 --> 00:02:11,581
Okay, so New Jersey's
not my favorite place.

45
00:02:11,701 --> 00:02:14,648
But once Stella and I get married
and she and Lucy move in with me,

46
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:16,473
I'll never set foot
in New Jersey again.

47
00:02:16,961 --> 00:02:19,967
Unless I'm going to see
a Giants game or flying out of Newark

48
00:02:20,087 --> 00:02:22,328
or God forbid, disposing of a body.

49
00:02:22,847 --> 00:02:25,707
Ted, if you murder me and
bury me in New Jersey,

50
00:02:25,827 --> 00:02:27,554
I'll haunt you forever.

51
00:02:28,078 --> 00:02:30,269
But if I murder you and
bury you somewhere else?

52
00:02:30,389 --> 00:02:31,907
I'll leave you alone.

53
00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:34,000
I'm sure you had your reasons.

54
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,673
Synchro: ShalimarFox, Arrow

55
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:52,882
<i>Kids, your Aunt Robin was sick
of her job at Metro News One.</i>

56
00:02:53,193 --> 00:02:55,037
<i>She was sick of the low
production value...</i>

57
00:02:55,157 --> 00:02:57,677
I'm Robin Scherbatsky,
and you're watching...

58
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,300
Etro News One at 11:00.

59
00:03:03,377 --> 00:03:04,733
And again at 1:00.

60
00:03:05,985 --> 00:03:07,915
<i>...sick of the stories
she had to report...</i>

61
00:03:08,035 --> 00:03:09,976
So hurry up and get your votes in

62
00:03:10,096 --> 00:03:12,153
for New York's cutest doggie.

63
00:03:13,931 --> 00:03:16,616
<i>...and most of all, she was sick of
all the stupid puns.</i>

64
00:03:16,776 --> 00:03:20,584
Four transit workers were electrocuted
when a subway train jumped the tracks.

65
00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:22,488
Stay tuned for the...

66
00:03:22,989 --> 00:03:24,513
Shocking derails.

67
00:03:25,047 --> 00:03:26,709
Joel, people died.

68
00:03:28,913 --> 00:03:32,083
<i>So when the call came in that she got
the big national anchor job,</i>

69
00:03:32,203 --> 00:03:33,807
<i>she finally got to say the words</i>

70
00:03:33,927 --> 00:03:35,864
<i>she'd been dreaming of saying
for years...</i>

71
00:03:35,984 --> 00:03:37,554
<i>Tonight will be my last broadcast.</i>

72
00:03:38,115 --> 00:03:40,974
<i>I came to Metro News One
as a little caterpillar.</i>

73
00:03:41,295 --> 00:03:44,894
<i>And for four years,
this desk has been my cocoon.</i>

74
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:47,021
<i>But tonight,</i>

75
00:03:47,181 --> 00:03:50,332
I emerge an ambitious butterfly.

76
00:03:50,768 --> 00:03:53,257
Why does she sound like an idiot?
Did she have a stroke?

77
00:03:53,377 --> 00:03:55,537
Yeah. A stroke of genius.

78
00:03:55,939 --> 00:03:57,991
This speech is really good.

79
00:03:59,235 --> 00:04:01,014
<i>With one eye on the horizon,</i>

80
00:04:01,679 --> 00:04:02,912
<i>one eye on the truth,</i>

81
00:04:03,745 --> 00:04:05,926
<i>and one eye on all of you.</i>

82
00:04:07,308 --> 00:04:08,835
You wrote it for her, didn't you?

83
00:04:10,054 --> 00:04:12,304
It's a modified version
of the speech I gave

84
00:04:12,424 --> 00:04:15,592
when I had to leave the swim team
`cause of a chronic inner ear situation.

85
00:04:15,827 --> 00:04:18,660
- I thought you were the towel boy.
- It's part of the team.

86
00:04:19,714 --> 00:04:22,473
<i>So that Saturday as Robin went off
for her first day at her new job,</i>

87
00:04:22,633 --> 00:04:24,692
<i>we all headed across the river
to experience</i>

88
00:04:24,812 --> 00:04:26,728
<i>some of that crazy
New Jersey nightlife.</i>

89
00:04:26,888 --> 00:04:30,023
Okay, Stella couldn't find a sitter,
so we can't go out. Instead...

90
00:04:30,555 --> 00:04:34,004
We're all gonna hang out here
and it's gonna be just as awesome.

91
00:04:34,124 --> 00:04:36,607
Right, we got board games,
we got movies.

92
00:04:36,727 --> 00:04:39,240
And I think there may be
some beer out in the garage.

93
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,888
Ted, this is pathetic.
It's Saturday night.

94
00:04:45,008 --> 00:04:46,807
We should be out at a bar.
Drinking alcohol.

95
00:04:46,927 --> 00:04:50,001
Now I know that sounds depressing,
bordering on tragic, but it's a fact.

96
00:04:50,161 --> 00:04:52,607
Yeah, and I want another crack
at that chick, Doris.

97
00:04:52,727 --> 00:04:54,672
I know I can land
that lesbian plane.

98
00:04:54,832 --> 00:04:56,558
No snakes on that plane.

99
00:04:58,389 --> 00:05:00,631
Okay, guys. Come on, you promised.

100
00:05:00,751 --> 00:05:03,264
Let's just hang out here,
try to have fun.

101
00:05:03,424 --> 00:05:04,974
I mean, we're all together,

102
00:05:05,321 --> 00:05:07,644
friends hanging out.
Isn't that what really matters?

103
00:05:12,975 --> 00:05:15,360
If we take the next train,
we can be at MacLaren's by 11:00.

104
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:17,654
- We can be there by 10:00.
- No, I have to change first.

105
00:05:17,814 --> 00:05:20,505
I'm not walking into MacLaren's
smelling like New Jersey.

106
00:05:24,418 --> 00:05:26,371
You guys really hate it here?

107
00:05:26,742 --> 00:05:28,495
What? No!

108
00:05:28,615 --> 00:05:29,643
Stels...

109
00:05:30,119 --> 00:05:33,378
I get it, you guys are New Yorkers.
You need to go hang out at a bar.

110
00:05:33,685 --> 00:05:36,598
Well, you could just hang out
at the coolest bar in the state,

111
00:05:36,718 --> 00:05:39,071
which is so close
it will blow your mind.

112
00:05:41,254 --> 00:05:44,722
And boom goes the dynamite.
The coolest bar in New Jersey.

113
00:05:45,331 --> 00:05:46,516
Yeah, it probably is.

114
00:05:47,262 --> 00:05:48,503
This is great!

115
00:05:49,010 --> 00:05:52,273
We got darts.
Half a ping-pong table.

116
00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:53,690
A fish bowl.

117
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,609
Look what turned out to be
an awesome night as promised.

118
00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:59,737
Maybe we can drop some
Bac-O's in here and make them fight.

119
00:05:59,897 --> 00:06:01,900
No, thanks. I don't mess
with fish bowls unless

120
00:06:02,020 --> 00:06:06,544
they have my two favorite fish:
the sucker fish and the blow fish.

121
00:06:06,664 --> 00:06:07,696
What up!

122
00:06:08,593 --> 00:06:10,915
For "blow fish"? I don't think so.

123
00:06:13,408 --> 00:06:15,295
Marshall. You're better than that.

124
00:06:16,706 --> 00:06:18,006
Not good enough.

125
00:06:22,521 --> 00:06:23,469
Sorry.

126
00:06:24,827 --> 00:06:28,266
I am not lowering this until
someone gives me the respect

127
00:06:28,426 --> 00:06:31,623
of another person's knuckles
tapping against mine

128
00:06:31,743 --> 00:06:33,938
in a light but decisive manner.

129
00:06:35,642 --> 00:06:36,904
Pretty, pretty...

130
00:06:37,024 --> 00:06:39,318
Pretty, pretty...
Who's a pretty baby?

131
00:06:41,522 --> 00:06:44,657
Then know this...
Until it gets what it wants,

132
00:06:44,817 --> 00:06:46,355
nay, deserves,

133
00:06:47,405 --> 00:06:49,980
this fist will not yield.

134
00:06:51,423 --> 00:06:53,015
It will

135
00:06:53,426 --> 00:06:54,212
not

136
00:06:54,850 --> 00:06:55,691
yield.

137
00:06:57,218 --> 00:06:59,576
- So who wants to play Scrabble?
- Sure, whatever.

138
00:07:00,012 --> 00:07:02,433
Heads up, the "X" tile
is a little hard to read

139
00:07:02,553 --> 00:07:05,553
because a couple years ago,
it went all the way through my dog.

140
00:07:07,037 --> 00:07:10,099
You know, maybe we should get
a dog again when you move in.

141
00:07:10,634 --> 00:07:11,768
When I what?

142
00:07:12,224 --> 00:07:14,029
Oh, great. There's Robin.

143
00:07:19,972 --> 00:07:21,778
I thought they were
moving in with you.

144
00:07:22,190 --> 00:07:23,275
So did I.

145
00:07:25,351 --> 00:07:28,076
God, am I moving to New Jersey?

146
00:07:28,925 --> 00:07:31,594
Hey, guys, I bet that dog was
really flying high

147
00:07:31,714 --> 00:07:33,623
after it swallowed a little "X."

148
00:07:34,114 --> 00:07:35,264
Nailed it!

149
00:07:37,245 --> 00:07:38,276
Come on!

150
00:07:42,289 --> 00:07:43,591
I can't live here.

151
00:07:44,077 --> 00:07:45,632
It wouldn't be that bad.

152
00:07:45,752 --> 00:07:48,721
You could put a mini-fridge over there
and maybe some knock hockey.

153
00:07:48,881 --> 00:07:50,932
Knock hockey. Nice one, Big Mon.

154
00:07:51,690 --> 00:07:54,560
I meant New Jersey in general,
not this basement.

155
00:07:54,888 --> 00:07:57,142
She wants me to move here?
I don't get it.

156
00:07:57,262 --> 00:07:58,648
We discussed this months ago.

157
00:07:59,314 --> 00:08:01,847
So I was thinking
after the wedding,

158
00:08:02,518 --> 00:08:04,440
you and Lucy could move in here.

159
00:08:06,009 --> 00:08:08,282
Yeah, she could play out
on the fire escape,

160
00:08:08,564 --> 00:08:11,202
maybe make friends with that guy
who sleeps on that couch in the alley,

161
00:08:11,362 --> 00:08:13,170
ride her bike up and down Broadway.

162
00:08:13,290 --> 00:08:15,206
It's a great idea, Ted.

163
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:20,527
I don't understand why you'd
want to live in New Jersey

164
00:08:20,647 --> 00:08:22,449
when you have a chance
to live in Manhattan?

165
00:08:22,569 --> 00:08:24,935
I thought having a rent-controlled
apartment on the West Side

166
00:08:25,055 --> 00:08:26,561
was why she agreed to marry me.

167
00:08:26,681 --> 00:08:29,095
Really, I thought it was
the whole reason. What is up?

168
00:08:32,258 --> 00:08:33,478
Looking good.

169
00:08:33,765 --> 00:08:36,644
- Bump the Barnacle.
- Stella already told me not to.

170
00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:38,887
- How was your first day?
- It wasn't.

171
00:08:39,007 --> 00:08:40,769
- What?
- It wasn't my first day.

172
00:08:40,889 --> 00:08:43,029
I showed up and there
were 20 other people.

173
00:08:43,149 --> 00:08:44,938
It turns out,
I didn't actually get the job.

174
00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:46,487
I only got an audition.

175
00:08:46,647 --> 00:08:48,265
- How did that happen?
- I don't know.

176
00:08:48,385 --> 00:08:49,782
He told me that I got it.

177
00:08:50,273 --> 00:08:51,238
I got it?

178
00:08:51,499 --> 00:08:52,417
I got it!

179
00:08:53,273 --> 00:08:55,610
<i>And just to be clear,
when I say "you got it,"</i>

180
00:08:55,730 --> 00:08:57,404
<i>I mean an audition.</i>

181
00:08:58,539 --> 00:08:59,927
<i>You got an audition.</i>

182
00:09:00,192 --> 00:09:01,966
<i>I don't want there to be
any confusion.</i>

183
00:09:02,086 --> 00:09:04,199
<i>You have an audition only.</i>

184
00:09:04,752 --> 00:09:06,020
<i>Not the job.</i>

185
00:09:07,744 --> 00:09:09,051
Thank you! Thank you!

186
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:12,798
OK, I'm going to call and beg
Joel to give me my job back.

187
00:09:13,382 --> 00:09:15,892
- You hated that job.
- I don't konw, it wasn't so bad.

188
00:09:16,144 --> 00:09:18,549
What did they make you
call Tropical Storm Hector

189
00:09:18,669 --> 00:09:20,664
when it was raining cats and dogs?

190
00:09:21,072 --> 00:09:22,356
A furricane.

191
00:09:22,716 --> 00:09:24,192
Hey, Ted.

192
00:09:24,701 --> 00:09:26,642
- Rock me like a furricane.
- Thanks.

193
00:09:27,988 --> 00:09:28,885
Mean.

194
00:09:29,523 --> 00:09:33,159
Okay,  it sucks, but what can I do?
I'm not going to get that other job.

195
00:09:33,382 --> 00:09:35,573
You should have seen
the other women at this audition.

196
00:09:35,693 --> 00:09:38,752
They all had more experience
than me, were more ethnic than me.

197
00:09:38,872 --> 00:09:41,489
There was an African-American
chick with blue eyes,

198
00:09:41,609 --> 00:09:44,420
- how can I compete with that?
- you can't.

199
00:09:44,819 --> 00:09:46,739
No, you can compete with anyone.

200
00:09:46,859 --> 00:09:48,450
You're Robin Scherbatsky.

201
00:09:48,570 --> 00:09:50,658
Confident, strong, tall,

202
00:09:50,778 --> 00:09:53,304
with crazy long legs
that look great in shorts.

203
00:09:53,585 --> 00:09:54,922
I'm calling Joel.

204
00:09:55,042 --> 00:09:58,226
No, if you call him right now,
you will hate yourself.

205
00:09:58,386 --> 00:10:00,561
Look, I have slept
with lots of women

206
00:10:00,681 --> 00:10:02,647
who afterwards told me off
and stormed out.

207
00:10:03,112 --> 00:10:05,175
And sometimes,
they'd pick up the phone

208
00:10:05,295 --> 00:10:07,897
and they'd call me
and then we'd hook up again.

209
00:10:08,017 --> 00:10:10,947
And when we were finished,
I could see that look on their faces,

210
00:10:11,067 --> 00:10:13,469
that look that says
they hate themselves

211
00:10:13,589 --> 00:10:15,551
and they wish they'd never called.

212
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:19,285
But if you could see that look...
Actually, you can see that look,

213
00:10:19,405 --> 00:10:21,332
there's a video, www...

214
00:10:21,492 --> 00:10:23,042
Stop, okay?
I won't call.

215
00:10:24,328 --> 00:10:26,757
Don't drink the beer!
I just remembered when I bought it.

216
00:10:26,877 --> 00:10:28,754
It was right before
I got pregnant with Lucy.

217
00:10:29,250 --> 00:10:31,446
Would you mind running
to PriceCo and picking some up?

218
00:10:31,566 --> 00:10:33,683
While you're there,
maybe you could sign up for a card.

219
00:10:33,803 --> 00:10:36,084
You'll probably end up
going there all the time.

220
00:10:38,833 --> 00:10:40,101
That's the look.

221
00:10:42,612 --> 00:10:44,105
I can't move here.

222
00:10:44,265 --> 00:10:46,350
I hate it here.
I would kill myself.

223
00:10:46,470 --> 00:10:49,887
Maybe New Jersey's not that bad.
Stella has a lawn.

224
00:10:50,007 --> 00:10:52,594
You could get a riding lawn mower.
They sell them over there.

225
00:10:52,714 --> 00:10:54,286
I saw one with a cup holder.

226
00:10:54,406 --> 00:10:56,617
I saw a recliner with
a built-in cup holder.

227
00:10:56,778 --> 00:10:58,558
I even saw a hammock
with a cup holder.

228
00:10:58,678 --> 00:11:01,205
You live in New Jersey,
you never have to hold a cup again.

229
00:11:01,365 --> 00:11:03,499
I don't have as big a problem
holding cups as you do.

230
00:11:04,227 --> 00:11:05,399
I will give you

231
00:11:05,519 --> 00:11:07,753
$100 to fist pump me.

232
00:11:10,165 --> 00:11:11,036
$200.

233
00:11:11,874 --> 00:11:15,303
Just put it down, Barney.
Your arm must be killing you by now.

234
00:11:17,622 --> 00:11:18,898
$10,000.

235
00:11:20,436 --> 00:11:22,977
You'll be right across the river.
You'll be in New York all the time.

236
00:11:25,232 --> 00:11:26,133
Excuse me.

237
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,649
- You guys are from New York?
- We moved here from Manhattan.

238
00:11:29,148 --> 00:11:31,277
- Do you ever get into the city?
- All the time.

239
00:11:31,584 --> 00:11:33,904
- See? All the time.
- When was the last time ?

240
00:11:34,263 --> 00:11:36,157
We just had dinner at O'Rourke's.

241
00:11:36,317 --> 00:11:38,075
That's been closed for six years.

242
00:11:38,351 --> 00:11:41,068
It has been awhile.
Funny, we don't miss it.

243
00:11:41,415 --> 00:11:43,372
I guess we're New Jersey-ians now.

244
00:11:43,805 --> 00:11:45,601
Honey, look, dog shirts.

245
00:11:47,977 --> 00:11:49,920
I can't do it.
I'm just going to tell Stella

246
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,570
she and Lucy have to move
into the city and that's that.

247
00:11:52,875 --> 00:11:54,383
What do you guys think?

248
00:11:54,909 --> 00:11:57,053
Beagle or Boston terrier?

249
00:12:00,883 --> 00:12:02,516
Are those tears?

250
00:12:04,111 --> 00:12:05,576
They're awesome...

251
00:12:05,696 --> 00:12:08,022
manly pain tears.
They're not emotional.

252
00:12:09,689 --> 00:12:11,544
They're a little bit emotional.

253
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,286
Where's Robin?

254
00:12:18,307 --> 00:12:20,534
Hey, Shirley,
it's Robin calling for Joel.

255
00:12:20,694 --> 00:12:22,703
Robin, hang up the phone.
Don't do this.

256
00:12:22,958 --> 00:12:24,330
Sorry, I know, okay?

257
00:12:24,490 --> 00:12:26,374
- If you don't hang up right now...
- Stop.

258
00:12:26,717 --> 00:12:28,876
Hey, Joel, it's Robin.

259
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:31,837
So Madam Butterfly wants
to come back to the cocoon.

260
00:12:32,978 --> 00:12:35,007
I'm sorry I said all that stuff.

261
00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:37,218
You can stick your sorries
in your sock drawer,

262
00:12:37,378 --> 00:12:40,310
'cause you've already been replaced.
I've got Brian in makeup

263
00:12:40,430 --> 00:12:42,056
and he couldn't be more excited.

264
00:12:42,216 --> 00:12:44,433
I can't do this.
I can't do this.

265
00:12:45,270 --> 00:12:47,887
Okay, look, as much as
I want to see college boy here

266
00:12:48,007 --> 00:12:50,576
wet himself on camera,
if you can get here in time

267
00:12:50,696 --> 00:12:52,983
to read the 11:00 news,
you can have your old job back.

268
00:12:54,095 --> 00:12:56,731
Okay, I have a half hour
to make it to the studio.

269
00:12:56,851 --> 00:12:59,075
There's no way you can make it
to the city in a half hour.

270
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,715
Don't do this. I know it's scary
to bet on yourself,

271
00:13:01,835 --> 00:13:05,238
but if you don't, nobody else will.
I'm not saying that to get a fist bump.

272
00:13:05,358 --> 00:13:07,873
Although, come on, a fist bump
would be great. But I really mean it.

273
00:13:08,033 --> 00:13:11,732
I am betting on myself. I am betting
that I can make it there by 11:00.

274
00:13:27,693 --> 00:13:31,021
- Hey, did you get the beer?
- Yeah, I got 144-pack.

275
00:13:31,181 --> 00:13:32,780
The rest is in the trunk.

276
00:13:33,073 --> 00:13:34,893
And did you sign up
for the membership?

277
00:13:36,843 --> 00:13:38,754
- Why not?
- There was a line for the photos,

278
00:13:38,874 --> 00:13:41,699
my hair's a mess... I don't want
to move to New Jersey.

279
00:13:42,841 --> 00:13:43,707
What?

280
00:13:43,827 --> 00:13:44,791
I can't do it.

281
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:47,705
And I can't see any reason why you
and Lucy shouldn't move to New York.

282
00:13:48,347 --> 00:13:51,525
My daughter goes to school here.
All of her friends are here.

283
00:13:51,645 --> 00:13:53,753
I've lived here my whole life.
My whole family is here.

284
00:13:53,913 --> 00:13:56,933
This is my house. I'm on the PTA.
And as of June 1,

285
00:13:57,053 --> 00:13:58,382
I'm the deputy mayor.

286
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:03,134
Yes, but my apartment
is really close to the subway.

287
00:14:05,924 --> 00:14:07,558
We're not moving, end of discussion.

288
00:14:07,718 --> 00:14:10,644
How can it be end of discussion
if there's never been a discussion?

289
00:14:10,936 --> 00:14:13,647
This is part of being a parent.
I can't just uproot Lucy.

290
00:14:13,807 --> 00:14:16,171
People with kids move all the time.

291
00:14:16,429 --> 00:14:19,570
It would be great for Lucy to grow up
in the greatest city in the world.

292
00:14:19,730 --> 00:14:22,410
Here we go. New York's the greatest city
in the whole wide world.

293
00:14:22,530 --> 00:14:25,271
It's where dreams come true
and pigeon poop tastes like tapioca.

294
00:14:25,391 --> 00:14:27,791
Want to know a little secret?
New Jersey...

295
00:14:28,307 --> 00:14:29,728
is better than New York.

296
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:31,331
Better than...?

297
00:14:31,451 --> 00:14:32,777
You think...? I...

298
00:14:33,696 --> 00:14:35,399
The Empire State Buil...

299
00:14:35,913 --> 00:14:37,075
H and H Bage...

300
00:14:37,581 --> 00:14:39,295
Lincoln Ce... Zabar's...

301
00:14:39,945 --> 00:14:41,425
Papaya King.

302
00:14:42,039 --> 00:14:44,720
New York is the intellectual
and cultural hub of the planet.

303
00:14:45,589 --> 00:14:47,601
New York is full of weirdoes,

304
00:14:47,721 --> 00:14:50,608
and snobs and mean people.
Do you know that once, an old lady

305
00:14:50,728 --> 00:14:53,062
actually called me a bitch
and threw a cat in my face?

306
00:14:53,463 --> 00:14:55,958
And you want to know
if that happened in New Jersey?

307
00:14:56,078 --> 00:14:59,431
86th and Lex, right in front
of your beloved little Papaya King.

308
00:15:00,319 --> 00:15:02,105
People are nice in New Jersey.

309
00:15:02,225 --> 00:15:04,281
It's the kind of place
where you know your neighbors.

310
00:15:04,441 --> 00:15:06,283
Hey, I know my neighbors.

311
00:15:06,443 --> 00:15:09,483
Yeah? Like who?
Right across the hall, I got...

312
00:15:09,603 --> 00:15:11,705
Clax... pa... mon...

313
00:15:11,865 --> 00:15:13,624
- Claxpamon?
- His name is Paxton.

314
00:15:14,142 --> 00:15:15,363
Love that dude.

315
00:15:16,761 --> 00:15:19,962
Sorry, in a hurry. Got to get
to the front. Got to get off first.

316
00:15:20,082 --> 00:15:21,695
Don't run over Matisse.

317
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,611
Okay, this is crazy.

318
00:15:23,731 --> 00:15:27,137
You can't actually think
that New Jersey is better than New York.

319
00:15:27,643 --> 00:15:30,132
New York has Broadway.
We win right there.

320
00:15:30,509 --> 00:15:32,076
No, she did not.

321
00:15:32,196 --> 00:15:33,673
Knuckle up for safety.

322
00:15:34,138 --> 00:15:36,397
- We have Atlantic City.
- Can't beat the A.C.

323
00:15:36,557 --> 00:15:38,610
Pretty please?
No one has to know.

324
00:15:38,970 --> 00:15:41,694
- New York has Greenwich Village.
- New Jersey has The Shore.

325
00:15:42,855 --> 00:15:45,655
Oscar-winning chronicler
of urban neuroses.

326
00:15:45,775 --> 00:15:46,797
Bump it!

327
00:15:47,151 --> 00:15:48,909
- Bruce Springsteen.
- Sinatra.

328
00:15:49,069 --> 00:15:51,328
He's from Hoboken... New Jersey.

329
00:15:51,488 --> 00:15:53,424
But what city is he singing about?

330
00:15:53,544 --> 00:15:55,499
It's not "Secaucus, Secaucus."

331
00:16:03,625 --> 00:16:06,123
<i>Now you kids can either
believe this or not,</i>

332
00:16:06,243 --> 00:16:09,013
<i>but this is how your Aunt Robin
swears it happened.</i>

333
00:16:15,262 --> 00:16:18,794
Look, Stella, I understand
that coming from New Jersey

334
00:16:18,914 --> 00:16:21,191
you don't picture
yourself loving New York,

335
00:16:21,351 --> 00:16:23,819
but trust me,
Marshall didn't expect to,

336
00:16:23,979 --> 00:16:26,655
and now he wouldn't think
of living anywhere else.

337
00:16:26,815 --> 00:16:27,865
I hate New York!

338
00:16:29,135 --> 00:16:30,694
I'm sorry, but it's true.

339
00:16:30,814 --> 00:16:32,886
Today I was walking around PriceCo.

340
00:16:33,006 --> 00:16:34,801
Have you ever been there?
It's huge.

341
00:16:34,921 --> 00:16:37,298
All the stores in New York
are so cramped. Every time I turn,

342
00:16:37,418 --> 00:16:39,841
I knock something over.
I'm like some huge monster

343
00:16:39,961 --> 00:16:41,962
that came out of the ocean
to destroy bodegas.

344
00:16:42,122 --> 00:16:45,700
- But, Marshall, you love New York.
- I do, except that I hate it.

345
00:16:46,523 --> 00:16:48,052
I'm too big for New York.

346
00:16:48,923 --> 00:16:51,304
I'm always trying to fit into
cramped little subway seats

347
00:16:51,424 --> 00:16:54,183
or duck under doorways
that were built 150 years ago.

348
00:16:54,343 --> 00:16:56,762
Guess what? People are bigger now.
Build bigger doorways.

349
00:16:56,882 --> 00:16:59,877
- What the hell is the matter with you?
- Small city, big man, give it up.

350
00:17:00,390 --> 00:17:02,660
It's so loud, all the time.

351
00:17:02,780 --> 00:17:06,221
Yes, it's the city that never sleeps.
Guess what, I like to sleep.

352
00:17:06,341 --> 00:17:08,457
I've been tired for eight years.

353
00:17:08,577 --> 00:17:11,287
Tired and scared with black
and blue marks on my elbows

354
00:17:11,407 --> 00:17:13,800
from trying to fit through
all these tiny elf doorways.

355
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,396
New Jersey's great.

356
00:17:15,614 --> 00:17:17,164
It's got huge stores,

357
00:17:17,324 --> 00:17:20,055
and lawns and you never have
to carry a cup again.

358
00:17:20,488 --> 00:17:23,962
Not for the rest of your life.
I'm not afraid to say it...

359
00:17:24,412 --> 00:17:26,044
I love New Jersey.

360
00:17:28,884 --> 00:17:30,094
I'm just kidding.

361
00:17:34,809 --> 00:17:36,183
I get it, okay?

362
00:17:37,030 --> 00:17:38,615
I see what you're saying.

363
00:17:38,921 --> 00:17:39,930
I guess...

364
00:17:42,276 --> 00:17:43,649
we could live in Brooklyn.

365
00:17:45,435 --> 00:17:46,914
You know what, Ted...

366
00:17:47,486 --> 00:17:49,728
live wherever you want.
I don't care.

367
00:17:58,073 --> 00:17:59,999
Awkward silence. Tap it.

368
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,222
What are you doing up?

369
00:18:15,382 --> 00:18:17,343
There was some loud noises
in the basement.

370
00:18:17,540 --> 00:18:18,846
Sorry about that.

371
00:18:19,136 --> 00:18:22,309
- Why don't you got back to bed?
- I can't go to sleep without a story.

372
00:18:22,789 --> 00:18:25,566
- Okay, I'll just get your mom...
- Why don't you read it to me?

373
00:18:28,907 --> 00:18:29,907
Come on.

374
00:18:59,095 --> 00:19:00,328
I'm moving here.

375
00:19:02,617 --> 00:19:03,645
Really?

376
00:19:04,074 --> 00:19:05,074
Really.

377
00:19:05,955 --> 00:19:07,191
New Jersey wins.

378
00:19:27,664 --> 00:19:28,912
Oh, thank you!

379
00:19:30,727 --> 00:19:31,737
Wait.

380
00:19:43,011 --> 00:19:44,425
Good evening, New York.

381
00:19:44,545 --> 00:19:46,438
Hey, look, she made it.

382
00:19:46,598 --> 00:19:47,849
Our top story tonight,

383
00:19:47,969 --> 00:19:51,534
the newborn panda at the Central Park
Zoo got its first tooth today.

384
00:19:51,654 --> 00:19:53,389
I guess that makes her a...

385
00:19:54,506 --> 00:19:55,633
molar bear.

386
00:19:57,195 --> 00:19:58,299
Molar bear.

387
00:19:59,497 --> 00:20:00,565
Molar bear.

388
00:20:02,588 --> 00:20:04,972
You know what?
I really am done.

389
00:20:05,782 --> 00:20:07,226
Good night, New York.

390
00:20:12,488 --> 00:20:13,710
She really quit.

391
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,552
You think we had anything
to do with that?

392
00:20:17,822 --> 00:20:19,055
I think we did.

393
00:20:20,722 --> 00:20:22,120
Nice job, Barney.

394
00:20:23,569 --> 00:20:25,175
Oh, my God!

395
00:20:25,799 --> 00:20:28,210
Thank you!

396
00:20:28,707 --> 00:20:30,732
Oh, that was killing my arm.

397
00:20:31,307 --> 00:20:33,880
My arm hasn't been this sore
since I was 13 years old

398
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,845
and figured out how to lock a bathroom.
Up top!

399
00:20:46,783 --> 00:20:49,793
- What's wrong?
- I officially didn't get that job.

400
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:52,389
- I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.

401
00:20:53,427 --> 00:20:55,670
- They offered me another one.
- That's great.

402
00:20:55,790 --> 00:20:58,580
- What are you going to be doing?
- Foreign correspondent.

403
00:20:58,700 --> 00:20:59,701
I'm...

404
00:21:00,112 --> 00:21:01,345
moving to Japan.