1 00:00:01,740 --> 00:00:03,880 You will not believe what happened 2 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,670 at laser tag last night. 3 00:00:05,670 --> 00:00:07,130 People freaked out because 4 00:00:07,130 --> 00:00:09,770 a creepy man in a suit wouldn't leave their kids alone? 5 00:00:09,770 --> 00:00:11,470 No. 6 00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:13,270 Well, yeah, pretty much. 7 00:00:18,130 --> 00:00:19,170 Come on! 8 00:00:21,330 --> 00:00:23,530 Ow! My shoulder! 9 00:00:23,530 --> 00:00:25,170 Come on. 10 00:00:26,700 --> 00:00:28,730 Stinson, my office! Now! 11 00:00:28,730 --> 00:00:30,000 Crap. 12 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,070 Disorderly game play, 13 00:00:32,070 --> 00:00:33,930 three counts of shoving, 14 00:00:33,930 --> 00:00:35,070 and now this! 15 00:00:35,070 --> 00:00:37,530 Stinson, you're a liability! 16 00:00:37,530 --> 00:00:40,770 I know I don't play by your precious rules, McCracken, 17 00:00:40,770 --> 00:00:43,400 but, damn it, I get results! 18 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:46,330 Look, you're a good laser tag player. 19 00:00:46,330 --> 00:00:48,000 Maybe the best I've ever seen. 20 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:51,600 But one of these days,you're gonna get someone hurt. 21 00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:52,730 Maybe even yourself. 22 00:00:52,730 --> 00:00:55,330 You just forgot what it's like out there. 23 00:00:55,330 --> 00:00:58,370 You've had your fat ass stuck behind that desk for too long. 24 00:00:58,370 --> 00:00:59,570 That's it! 25 00:00:59,570 --> 00:01:00,700 You're out of here, Stinson! 26 00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:02,630 Hand in your gun and your ID badge! 27 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:04,130 With pleasure. 28 00:01:07,470 --> 00:01:09,300 Please don't do this. 29 00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:10,630 This game is all I got. 30 00:01:10,630 --> 00:01:11,800 And I've almost got 31 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,600 enough tickets for the remote control helicopter. 32 00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:17,270 Please. 33 00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:22,000 I can't believe I'm doing this. 34 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:25,170 But I'm gonna give you one last shot. 35 00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:26,370 But so help me, 36 00:01:26,370 --> 00:01:29,200 if you so much as step one toe out of line, 37 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,570 you're gonna be playing Duck Hunt in your mama's basement 38 00:01:31,570 --> 00:01:33,230 so fast it's gonna make your head spin. 39 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,230 Now, get out of here! 40 00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,130 You won't regret this. 41 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:48,930 That's it, Stinson. 42 00:01:48,930 --> 00:01:51,030 You're banned for life! 43 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,870 No...! 44 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,000 I can't believe you got kicked out of laser tag. 45 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:15,870 What are you gonna do? 46 00:02:15,870 --> 00:02:18,770 What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? 47 00:02:18,770 --> 00:02:21,000 I'll tell you what Ted and I are gonna do. 48 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,800 We're gonna break in after hours 49 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,730 TP? and TP the place. 50 00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:30,030 Barney, we are too old to cover a place in toilet paper 51 00:02:30,030 --> 00:02:32,070 just because they won't let you play laser tag. 52 00:02:32,070 --> 00:02:33,100 And for that matter, 53 00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:34,530 too old for laser tag. 54 00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:37,830 Ted, laser tag knows no age restrictions. 55 00:02:37,830 --> 00:02:39,800 Kind of like stripping in the Midwest. 56 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,400 Yeah, whatever. 57 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,500 I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh List. 58 00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:45,900 Oh, jeez, not the Murtaugh List 59 00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:47,330 What's the Murtaugh List? 60 00:02:49,330 --> 00:02:50,930 around the time I turned 30. 61 00:02:50,930 --> 00:02:53,500 It all started with your Uncle Marshall's beer bong. 62 00:02:56,970 --> 00:02:59,130 every time we had a party,that beer bong came out. 63 00:03:04,370 --> 00:03:06,230 the next day would go like this. 64 00:03:08,630 --> 00:03:10,470 the next day would go like this. 65 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:16,100 Then one day, in the throes of the worst hangover of my life, 66 00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:18,230 I realized there was only one person in the world 67 00:03:18,230 --> 00:03:19,630 that I could relate to: 68 00:03:19,630 --> 00:03:22,970 Detective Roger Murtaugh,played by Danny Glover 69 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,800 in the '80s noir masterpiece Lethal Weapon, 70 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:28,070 known for his often-quoted catchphrase: 71 00:03:28,070 --> 00:03:29,130 I'm too old for this... 72 00:03:29,130 --> 00:03:30,300 Stuff. 73 00:03:30,300 --> 00:03:33,170 He said, "I'm too old for this stuff." 74 00:03:33,170 --> 00:03:35,000 It's sad to admit, but as you get older, 75 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,870 there's just certain things you can't do anymore. 76 00:03:36,870 --> 00:03:38,230 That's why I have this list, 77 00:03:38,230 --> 00:03:40,100 so I never make the mistake of thinking 78 00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:42,270 that I can still pull an all-nighter. 79 00:03:43,470 --> 00:03:45,700 I'm too old for that stuff. 80 00:03:45,700 --> 00:03:47,830 Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting. 81 00:03:47,830 --> 00:03:50,800 I'm too old for that stuff. 82 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:54,170 Or hang posters on your wall without frames. 83 00:03:54,170 --> 00:03:55,900 Riggs. 84 00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:57,500 Riggs! 85 00:03:57,500 --> 00:03:59,100 I'm too old for that stuff. 86 00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:01,630 By the way, how good is Lethal Weapon? 87 00:04:01,630 --> 00:04:03,800 Oh, I don't know.It's kind of a rip-off. 88 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,400 Old guy paired up with a young, renegade cop. 89 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:07,730 Sound familiar? 90 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,630 Mackleroy and LeFleur. 91 00:04:11,430 --> 00:04:13,030 Don't tell me you guys 92 00:04:13,030 --> 00:04:14,670 have never seen Mackleroy and LeFleur. 93 00:04:15,170 --> 00:04:18,430 It's the greatest Canadian action movie of all time. 94 00:04:19,270 --> 00:04:21,630 Mackleroy is a young, renegade Mountie 95 00:04:21,630 --> 00:04:23,370 whose horse was just killed by evil Americans, 96 00:04:23,370 --> 00:04:27,470 while LeFleur, his grouchy,old, African-Canadian partner, 97 00:04:27,470 --> 00:04:28,700 just bought a cozy ice 98 00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:30,700 fishing shack in northern Alberta... 99 00:04:33,270 --> 00:04:34,270 All right, I got to go. 100 00:04:34,270 --> 00:04:35,370 Bye, baby. 101 00:04:35,370 --> 00:04:36,600 Have fun at practice. 102 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:37,630 Practice? 103 00:04:37,630 --> 00:04:39,700 Is he doing that one-man band thing again? 104 00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:41,400 'Cause that was a bummer. 105 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,000 Actually, 106 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,400 Marshall had just taken over 107 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,500 as coach for Lily's kindergarten basketball team. 108 00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:47,770 He thought it'd be fun, 109 00:04:47,770 --> 00:04:49,470 but Lily saw it as something more-- 110 00:04:49,470 --> 00:04:51,070 dad practice. 111 00:04:51,070 --> 00:04:52,100 Hi. 112 00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:54,170 Hey! Oh, my gosh! 113 00:04:54,170 --> 00:04:56,430 Orange slices. That is so sweet. 114 00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:57,630 What are you doing here? 115 00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:58,770 I couldn't resist. 116 00:04:58,770 --> 00:05:01,230 I wanted to see Coach Marshmallow do his thing. 117 00:05:01,230 --> 00:05:02,900 Oh. Okay. 118 00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:04,270 Hey, kids, 119 00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:06,030 who wants to knock off early 120 00:05:06,030 --> 00:05:08,730 and have some of these here orange slices? 121 00:05:10,630 --> 00:05:11,970 Yeah? Well, you can't! 122 00:05:11,970 --> 00:05:14,300 Because oranges are for winners, 123 00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:15,400 and you little turds 124 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,170 haven't even made a single shot yet! 125 00:05:17,170 --> 00:05:19,170 You're embarrassing yourselves, 126 00:05:19,170 --> 00:05:22,730 you're embarrassing Ms. Aldrin, and worst of all, 127 00:05:22,730 --> 00:05:24,100 you're embarrassing me! 128 00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:25,230 That's it! 129 00:05:25,230 --> 00:05:26,830 Suicides! Baseline! Now! 130 00:05:28,770 --> 00:05:30,330 Run. 131 00:05:31,630 --> 00:05:34,800 Ted, there is not a single thing on here 132 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,900 that you are too old to do. 133 00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:39,230 In fact, if you did everything on the Murtaugh List, 134 00:05:39,230 --> 00:05:40,970 I'd call that a pretty fun weekend. 135 00:05:42,870 --> 00:05:45,730 If you did everything on that list, you would die. 136 00:05:45,730 --> 00:05:50,100 -That wasn't a challenge.-Challenge accepted. 137 00:05:51,830 --> 00:05:54,200 I'm going to do every single thing on this list. 138 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:59,170 And after I do, you will TP the laser tag place with me. 139 00:05:59,170 --> 00:06:00,700 And if you can't do it? 140 00:06:00,700 --> 00:06:02,300 I will spend three hours 141 00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:05,200 listening to you talk about architecture. 142 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,470 You have got yourself a deal. 143 00:06:06,470 --> 00:06:09,530 Robin, will you do the honors? 144 00:06:09,530 --> 00:06:11,030 A gentleman's agreement! 145 00:06:11,030 --> 00:06:12,230 Huzzah! 146 00:06:12,230 --> 00:06:14,300 All right, chumps, let's do this. 147 00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:17,600 Barney Stinson! 148 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,800 You really want to make this bet with him? 149 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:20,700 You know how he is. 150 00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:23,470 Robin, there is some pretty tough stuff on that list. 151 00:06:23,470 --> 00:06:25,370 I mean, do you really think 152 00:06:25,370 --> 00:06:27,000 Barney's gonna get his ear pierced? 153 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,530 "Get ear pierced." 154 00:06:28,530 --> 00:06:29,570 Check. 155 00:06:29,570 --> 00:06:31,500 All right, I'm off to go 156 00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:33,070 do laundry at Mom's house. 157 00:06:38,650 --> 00:06:40,850 Hey, you guys mind if I crash on your futon tonight? 158 00:06:40,850 --> 00:06:42,080 We don't have a futon. 159 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:44,180 Put it over there, boys. 160 00:06:44,180 --> 00:06:46,080 What's going on? It's on the Murtaugh List. 161 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,010 "Crash on a friend's futon 162 00:06:48,010 --> 00:06:49,380 instead of getting a hotel room." 163 00:06:49,380 --> 00:06:52,380 Ooh, I am too old for that stuff. 164 00:06:52,380 --> 00:06:54,110 Dude, what's going on with your ear? 165 00:06:54,110 --> 00:06:56,650 Looks like the inside of a jack-o'-lantern on November 3rd. 166 00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,610 What, this? 167 00:06:58,610 --> 00:07:00,350 Ah, just a little infecsh. 168 00:07:00,350 --> 00:07:02,410 Nothing a young guy like me can't shake off. 169 00:07:02,410 --> 00:07:05,050 Plus, "Put off going to the doctor," on the list. 170 00:07:06,110 --> 00:07:08,650 Oh, hold on. 171 00:07:08,650 --> 00:07:10,880 Go for Bar... 172 00:07:13,210 --> 00:07:15,610 Keep running! 173 00:07:15,610 --> 00:07:17,150 You know what's funny, is I was 174 00:07:17,150 --> 00:07:18,780 supposed to come here to teach them-- 175 00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:21,180 Do not stop running! 176 00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:24,880 This whole time, they've been the ones who are teaching me. 177 00:07:28,750 --> 00:07:30,850 That's not running! That's falling! 178 00:07:31,950 --> 00:07:32,950 The next morning, 179 00:07:32,950 --> 00:07:36,480 Barney woke up on the futon in our living room. 180 00:07:42,110 --> 00:07:43,880 Check. 181 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,480 "Drinking shots with strangers." 182 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:47,680 Check. 183 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,380 You okay, Barney? 184 00:07:49,380 --> 00:07:50,980 It looks like you hurt your back. 185 00:07:50,980 --> 00:07:52,210 Oh, no. 186 00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:53,880 Just rocking a party hunch. 187 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,280 I like it. 188 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:56,850 Closer to my booze. 189 00:07:56,850 --> 00:07:58,210 To youth. 190 00:08:08,180 --> 00:08:09,650 Can I get a straw? 191 00:08:09,650 --> 00:08:11,880 I must say, there's something admirable 192 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,950 about the way Barney wants to stay young at heart. 193 00:08:13,950 --> 00:08:15,710 I mean, who wants to get old? 194 00:08:15,710 --> 00:08:17,110 This guy. 195 00:08:17,780 --> 00:08:20,680 Robin, life is a meal 196 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,410 and old age is the dessert. 197 00:08:22,410 --> 00:08:24,810 I spend so much of my time worrying about the future. 198 00:08:24,810 --> 00:08:26,080 You know, where's my career going? 199 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,450 Who am I gonna marry? 200 00:08:27,450 --> 00:08:29,480 But when you're old, you don't worry, 201 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,680 'cause that stuff's already happened. 202 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:33,010 Plus, you get to wear comfy shoes 203 00:08:33,010 --> 00:08:35,880 and a chair takes you up and down the stairs, it's perfect. 204 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,180 That's not perfect. That's pathetic. 205 00:08:38,180 --> 00:08:39,980 You can't just jump to the end. 206 00:08:39,980 --> 00:08:41,650 The journey is the best part. 207 00:08:41,650 --> 00:08:43,050 Oh, Robin. 208 00:08:43,050 --> 00:08:44,650 I used to feel that way, too, 209 00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:46,850 but you'll understand when you're a little bit older. 210 00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:49,550 Marshall, can you try 211 00:08:49,550 --> 00:08:51,850 not to pick on the kids today. 212 00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:53,910 I'm not picking on the kids, Lily. 213 00:08:53,910 --> 00:08:56,150 I'm picking on the culture of losing around here. 214 00:08:56,150 --> 00:08:57,580 I-I got to get them in shape 215 00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,010 if they're gonna win that game tomorrow. 216 00:08:59,010 --> 00:09:01,180 Win? 217 00:09:01,180 --> 00:09:02,650 We don't keep score. 218 00:09:02,650 --> 00:09:05,180 What? 219 00:09:05,180 --> 00:09:06,650 We don't keep score. 220 00:09:06,650 --> 00:09:09,550 You don't keep s... 221 00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:12,080 What's the point of playing if you don't keep score? 222 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,450 How do you know... 223 00:09:13,450 --> 00:09:16,180 Lily, what were you doing with this team before I got here? 224 00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:17,950 I was coaching them. 225 00:09:17,950 --> 00:09:21,080 That's it, my little angels. 226 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,450 You're all luminous wonderful beings of light. 227 00:09:24,450 --> 00:09:25,510 What's the score? 228 00:09:25,510 --> 00:09:27,580 It's all tied up at fun to fun! 229 00:09:29,950 --> 00:09:31,710 Because that's the point of playing-- to have fun. 230 00:09:31,710 --> 00:09:32,850 No. 231 00:09:32,850 --> 00:09:35,750 The point of playing is to win the trophy. 232 00:09:35,750 --> 00:09:38,910 And if you don't know who's winning, who gets the trophy? 233 00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:40,580 Everyone. 234 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,880 It's a participation trophy; everyone gets one. 235 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,680 It's like you're speaking Chinese to me right now. 236 00:09:48,780 --> 00:09:50,250 Hi, this is Barney. 237 00:09:50,250 --> 00:09:51,080 And Robin. 238 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:52,350 We can't answer the phone right now because... 239 00:09:52,350 --> 00:09:54,080 He's watching sports and I'm... 240 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:55,450 Probably out shopping. 241 00:09:56,580 --> 00:09:58,280 Leave a message and we'll call you back just as soon... 242 00:09:58,280 --> 00:09:59,410 As...We... 243 00:09:59,410 --> 00:10:01,150 - Can! - Can! 244 00:10:02,050 --> 00:10:03,780 "Leave an annoying two-person message 245 00:10:03,780 --> 00:10:04,950 on your answering machine." 246 00:10:04,950 --> 00:10:06,150 Check. 247 00:10:07,150 --> 00:10:09,850 Probably gonna cost me some dates but it's okay. 248 00:10:09,850 --> 00:10:12,950 Barney, your ear's starting to smell. 249 00:10:12,950 --> 00:10:15,210 Nah, it's good. 250 00:10:15,210 --> 00:10:16,650 I hate to send it back, 251 00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:19,580 but you did describe the turkey as extremely lean, 252 00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:21,780 and, well, you tell me. 253 00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:23,880 All right. 254 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:24,880 That's it. 255 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,310 -We have our own list. -What? 256 00:10:26,310 --> 00:10:28,550 This is a list of things you're too young to do. 257 00:10:28,550 --> 00:10:30,310 Go out and do each one of these things 258 00:10:30,310 --> 00:10:32,650 and then tell me you still want to be an old man. 259 00:10:32,650 --> 00:10:34,980 Remove "colonoscopy" 260 00:10:34,980 --> 00:10:38,410 and "Have sex with an old lady," and this is a cakewalk. 261 00:10:40,180 --> 00:10:41,510 New stakes, then. 262 00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:43,780 If I can finish your list before you finish mine, 263 00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:45,950 you have to come with me to TP laser tag 264 00:10:45,950 --> 00:10:48,350 and you have to buy the toilet paper. 265 00:10:48,350 --> 00:10:50,180 And none of that biodegradable crap. 266 00:10:50,180 --> 00:10:51,680 I want it up there forever. 267 00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:53,850 Fine, but if I finish your list first, 268 00:10:53,850 --> 00:10:55,910 it's a six hour survey 269 00:10:55,910 --> 00:10:57,810 of early 20th century American architecture 270 00:10:57,810 --> 00:10:58,810 and you can never do anything 271 00:10:58,810 --> 00:11:00,150 on the Murtaugh List ever again. 272 00:11:00,150 --> 00:11:01,280 It's for your own good. 273 00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,310 You, sir, have got yourself a deal. 274 00:11:03,310 --> 00:11:05,850 A gentleman's agreement! 275 00:11:05,850 --> 00:11:07,050 Huzzah! 276 00:11:09,450 --> 00:11:11,450 Marshall, they're in kindergarten. 277 00:11:11,450 --> 00:11:13,750 This isn't how you teach basketball. 278 00:11:13,750 --> 00:11:15,980 Sure it is. It's the way I learned. 279 00:11:15,980 --> 00:11:17,880 Are you kidding me? 280 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,850 What kind of sociopath taught you this way? 281 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,610 Come on, Dad. I'm tired. 282 00:11:25,610 --> 00:11:26,950 Sleep is for winners. 283 00:11:26,950 --> 00:11:29,250 You can go to bed when you score a basket. 284 00:11:29,250 --> 00:11:30,310 I'm trying. 285 00:11:30,310 --> 00:11:32,310 Oh, let's give you two points for trying. 286 00:11:32,310 --> 00:11:35,780 But negative two points for having a great big head. 287 00:11:35,780 --> 00:11:39,610 My father gave me no quarter 288 00:11:39,610 --> 00:11:42,350 and I asked for no quarter. 289 00:11:43,650 --> 00:11:45,910 I totally got to call that guy. 290 00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:49,510 Keep stretching! 291 00:11:52,810 --> 00:11:55,280 "Put on reading glasses." Check. 292 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:58,480 "Yell at neighborhood kids." 293 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,510 My pleasure. 294 00:12:03,310 --> 00:12:04,550 What the hell happened to you? 295 00:12:04,550 --> 00:12:06,610 Oh, I just had a very minor 296 00:12:06,610 --> 00:12:09,050 "blew out my knee and it hurts like hell" incident. 297 00:12:09,050 --> 00:12:10,480 How did you blow out your knee? 298 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,350 We, uh, "Helped someone move out of a sixth floor walk-up 299 00:12:13,350 --> 00:12:15,110 in exchange for pizza and beer." 300 00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:17,610 Or we, uh, helped someone rob a sixth floor walk-up. 301 00:12:17,610 --> 00:12:20,750 They were in a big hurry and left all the pictures behind. 302 00:12:20,750 --> 00:12:22,850 Whatevs, it counts. 303 00:12:22,850 --> 00:12:24,880 Now, I am off to 304 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:26,750 "Dye my hair a funny color," 305 00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:29,380 and then we are going to, "Go to a rave." 306 00:12:30,780 --> 00:12:31,880 Ooh, 4:00! 307 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,050 Supper time. 308 00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:34,310 Okay. 309 00:12:34,310 --> 00:12:36,150 So, your dad was tough on you. 310 00:12:36,150 --> 00:12:37,410 That stinks, 311 00:12:37,410 --> 00:12:38,950 but you don't have to be like him. 312 00:12:38,950 --> 00:12:41,080 You can learn from his mistakes. 313 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:43,910 Mistakes? Lily, scoreboard. 314 00:12:43,910 --> 00:12:46,250 The guy nailed it, okay? He taught me how to be a winner. 315 00:12:46,250 --> 00:12:48,210 That's what I'm teaching these kids. 316 00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:49,580 And, for that matter, 317 00:12:49,580 --> 00:12:51,910 that's what I'm gonna teach our kids someday. 318 00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:53,250 Okay, that's it. 319 00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:55,710 This is not how we're gonna raise our kids! 320 00:12:55,710 --> 00:12:58,280 And this is not how you're gonna coach this team! 321 00:12:58,280 --> 00:12:59,280 At tomorrow's game, 322 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,450 if you are anything less 323 00:13:01,450 --> 00:13:04,950 than a teddy bear stuffed with cotton candy and rainbows, 324 00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:08,510 I will silent treatment your ass into the ground! 325 00:13:08,510 --> 00:13:11,050 You'll think the time I found your Internet search history 326 00:13:11,050 --> 00:13:13,210 was a freakin' picnic! 327 00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:14,650 Are we clear?! 328 00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:17,550 Lily, there are many different philo... 329 00:13:17,550 --> 00:13:18,810 Are we clear?! 330 00:13:18,810 --> 00:13:20,380 Yes, ma'am. 331 00:13:24,410 --> 00:13:25,580 You know, what's ironic is that now... 332 00:13:32,750 --> 00:13:34,250 Just call Ted. 333 00:13:34,250 --> 00:13:35,880 I want to go home. 334 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,650 All right. I'm calling him. 335 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,050 But it's 4:30 in the morning. 336 00:13:39,050 --> 00:13:40,280 He's not going to be awake. 337 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:41,980 Up at 4:00... 338 00:13:41,980 --> 00:13:43,350 Check. 339 00:13:43,350 --> 00:13:45,310 Is he answering? 340 00:13:45,310 --> 00:13:46,450 I haven't dialed yet. 341 00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:49,410 Oh, please hurry, Robin. 342 00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:51,350 Ooh, perfect. 343 00:13:51,350 --> 00:13:53,680 "Take forever to answer the phone." 344 00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:58,950 Come on, Ted. 345 00:13:58,950 --> 00:14:00,210 Someone gave me some aspirin 346 00:14:00,210 --> 00:14:01,810 and I don't think it was aspirin. 347 00:14:08,050 --> 00:14:10,250 Check. 348 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:14,010 So, I know that I have been a little tough on you 349 00:14:14,010 --> 00:14:16,350 for the past couple days. 350 00:14:16,350 --> 00:14:18,980 And I apologize for that. 351 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:23,210 So today, we're not gonna worry about winning. 352 00:14:23,210 --> 00:14:24,980 We're gonna go out there and... 353 00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:26,680 have fun. 354 00:14:27,710 --> 00:14:29,280 Kids, over the years, 355 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,980 your Uncle Marshall has told and retold 356 00:14:30,980 --> 00:14:32,980 the story of this game hundreds of times. 357 00:14:32,980 --> 00:14:34,110 And in reality, 358 00:14:34,110 --> 00:14:35,180 the kids on that other team 359 00:14:35,180 --> 00:14:37,150 were probably only a grade older 360 00:14:37,150 --> 00:14:39,080 But, in telling and retelling the story, 361 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:41,450 they came to look like this. 362 00:14:41,450 --> 00:14:43,650 Let's go, baby! 363 00:14:51,780 --> 00:14:54,950 Yay! Way to let them score that easily. 364 00:14:54,950 --> 00:14:57,250 Oh, now you're sitting down. Awesome. 365 00:15:02,250 --> 00:15:04,480 Addison, it's not soccer. 366 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,280 You don't kick the ball! 367 00:15:07,250 --> 00:15:10,210 Unless that's something that you think is fun, 368 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:14,050 in which case, great job having fun. 369 00:15:17,210 --> 00:15:18,680 Whoa, that was a foul, wasn't it, Ref? 370 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,450 My name's not Ref. It's Kenny. 371 00:15:20,450 --> 00:15:21,610 And watch your tone. 372 00:15:21,610 --> 00:15:23,050 Oh, no tone, Kenny. 373 00:15:23,050 --> 00:15:24,150 Great job, Kenny. 374 00:15:24,150 --> 00:15:26,010 Thanks a lot, Kenny. 375 00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:27,710 See you later, Kenny. 376 00:15:27,710 --> 00:15:28,910 All right, Barney. 377 00:15:28,910 --> 00:15:30,850 As your manager, 378 00:15:30,850 --> 00:15:33,650 This bet is over.Your ear looks like 379 00:15:33,650 --> 00:15:36,350 a free Danish 380 00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:38,110 Ow! No. 381 00:15:38,110 --> 00:15:39,480 No. One thing left. 382 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,750 "Beer bong." 383 00:15:40,750 --> 00:15:43,480 Oh! Coming right up. 384 00:15:44,780 --> 00:15:46,450 Oh, I, uh, 385 00:15:46,450 --> 00:15:49,310 found these weird Russian beers in the basement. 386 00:15:49,310 --> 00:15:52,150 Russian beers? I'll take a brewski. 387 00:15:52,150 --> 00:15:55,880 Hey. Brewski. Get it? 388 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,280 Yeah, it's, uh... 389 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:59,050 It's a little warm. 390 00:15:59,050 --> 00:16:00,280 Hope that's not a problem. 391 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:02,380 Uh... no. 392 00:16:02,380 --> 00:16:03,580 Uh, no. 393 00:16:03,580 --> 00:16:05,580 Okay. 394 00:16:05,580 --> 00:16:08,250 Ah! I... All right, Ted. 395 00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:10,010 You win. I hate this. 396 00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:11,950 I hate all of it. 397 00:16:11,950 --> 00:16:13,550 My back is killing me. 398 00:16:13,550 --> 00:16:15,980 Everyone at the rave thought I was a narc. 399 00:16:15,980 --> 00:16:20,180 My ear hurts so bad I can hear it... 400 00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:23,150 I can hear my own ear.Think about that. 401 00:16:24,010 --> 00:16:25,080 My clothes... 402 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,280 What is it... What is it...What am I... 403 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:27,910 Get this stuff off of me! 404 00:16:27,910 --> 00:16:30,480 Ted, I'll pay you double for your finest suit. 405 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,510 Here's, uh, 30 bucks. 406 00:16:34,050 --> 00:16:35,880 And throw in the shoes. 407 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:37,750 You win, Ted. 408 00:16:37,750 --> 00:16:40,980 I'll never do anything on the Murtaugh List again. 409 00:16:40,980 --> 00:16:43,280 I'm too old for this stuff. 410 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,650 You know, Barney, last night, 411 00:16:46,650 --> 00:16:50,110 because it was on the list,and I couldn't sleep because... 412 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,850 well, it was 8:00. 413 00:16:51,850 --> 00:16:53,550 So I decided to watch Lethal Weapon. 414 00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:58,010 And then, when I still couldn't sleep, 415 00:16:58,010 --> 00:17:00,150 I watched Lethal Weapon 2. 416 00:17:00,150 --> 00:17:01,980 And then I watched 3. 417 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,180 And then, halfway through Lethal Weapon 4, 418 00:17:06,180 --> 00:17:07,710 is when it occurred to me... 419 00:17:07,710 --> 00:17:11,650 Murtaugh kept saying,"I'm too old for this stuff," 420 00:17:11,650 --> 00:17:13,310 but every time he'd say it, 421 00:17:13,310 --> 00:17:15,210 he'd turn around, make another movie, 422 00:17:15,210 --> 00:17:17,280 and do more stuff. 423 00:17:18,350 --> 00:17:20,550 I guess what I'm saying is... 424 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,180 screw being old. 425 00:17:24,850 --> 00:17:26,850 Let's go TP laser tag, huh? 426 00:17:28,110 --> 00:17:30,210 And then the hospital. 427 00:17:33,610 --> 00:17:35,150 Great job, guys. 428 00:17:35,150 --> 00:17:36,750 At least we're not keeping score, right? 429 00:17:36,750 --> 00:17:37,980 No idea what the score is. 430 00:17:37,980 --> 00:17:39,550 53?0 Could be 53 to zero. 431 00:17:39,550 --> 00:17:40,880 Could be some other score. 432 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,810 It's 53 to zero. 433 00:17:42,810 --> 00:17:44,910 What are we doing wrong, Coach? 434 00:17:45,950 --> 00:17:47,480 You know what? You're not doing anything wrong. 435 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,210 It's great that you guys are losing, 436 00:17:50,210 --> 00:17:52,080 because in life,it doesn't matter 437 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:53,710 how much effort you put in, 438 00:17:53,710 --> 00:17:55,410 or how hard you try, 439 00:17:55,410 --> 00:17:57,750 people will just give you things. 440 00:17:57,750 --> 00:18:01,050 Like diplomas and jobs and promotions. 441 00:18:01,050 --> 00:18:03,080 So, it doesn't matter what you do out there, 442 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:05,580 as long as...as long as you have fun. 443 00:18:05,580 --> 00:18:07,050 At that point, 444 00:18:07,050 --> 00:18:08,610 because they didn't want to fight in front of the kids, 445 00:18:08,610 --> 00:18:10,110 your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily 446 00:18:10,110 --> 00:18:11,750 had one of their telepathic conversations. 447 00:18:12,910 --> 00:18:14,210 Don't you give me that look. 448 00:18:14,210 --> 00:18:16,210 Lily, I can't take it anymore! 449 00:18:16,210 --> 00:18:17,750 Your way of coaching is crazy! 450 00:18:17,750 --> 00:18:19,350 Stop yelling at me! 451 00:18:19,350 --> 00:18:20,980 Sorry. 452 00:18:20,980 --> 00:18:24,110 But can I please do it my way? 453 00:18:24,110 --> 00:18:27,580 Fine, but I'm going to do it my way, too. 454 00:18:27,580 --> 00:18:29,050 I'm getting my guitar. 455 00:18:30,750 --> 00:18:32,980 I don't know if it was Marshall's tough attitude, 456 00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:35,180 Lily's gentle encouragement, 457 00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:36,980 or some magical combination of the two, 458 00:18:36,980 --> 00:18:38,810 but in the second half of that game, 459 00:18:38,810 --> 00:18:42,110 that ragtag group of little firecrackers... 460 00:18:42,110 --> 00:18:44,310 got beat down even worse. 461 00:18:46,550 --> 00:18:49,580 In fact, according to your Uncle Marshall, 462 00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:52,110 in the second half,the other team got even taller 463 00:18:52,110 --> 00:18:54,980 And one of them turned into a Teen Wolf. 464 00:18:54,980 --> 00:18:58,150 Kenny! There is a Teen Wolf on the court! 465 00:18:58,150 --> 00:19:00,280 That can't be legal. 466 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,450 I know the Teen Wolf looks different, kids, 467 00:19:02,450 --> 00:19:06,110 but try to make sure he feels included. 468 00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:27,350 How is that not traveling, Kenny?! 469 00:19:27,350 --> 00:19:28,450 You are killing me! 470 00:19:28,450 --> 00:19:30,050 You are absolutely killing me! 471 00:19:30,050 --> 00:19:31,210 Hey, watch it, Coach, 472 00:19:31,210 --> 00:19:32,510 or you'll get a technical. 473 00:19:32,510 --> 00:19:34,210 Oh, Kenny. 474 00:19:34,210 --> 00:19:36,610 I am begging you to give me a technical. 475 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:40,210 When the final horn mercifully blew, 476 00:19:40,210 --> 00:19:44,450 the score was, by Marshall's estimate, 118 to nothing. 477 00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:45,980 And even though they didn't win anything, 478 00:19:45,980 --> 00:19:49,750 everyone, even the coach,got a participation trophy. 479 00:19:49,750 --> 00:19:52,080 I understand if you don't want it. 480 00:19:52,910 --> 00:19:54,910 I love it. 481 00:19:56,710 --> 00:19:58,180 I just... I worked so hard. 482 00:19:58,180 --> 00:19:59,980 It feels good to be appreciated for my effort. 483 00:19:59,980 --> 00:20:02,050 I know, baby. 484 00:20:05,750 --> 00:20:08,950 Maybe-maybe your way is not totally stupid. 485 00:20:08,950 --> 00:20:10,950 Thanks. 486 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,430 Your way is totally stupid 487 00:20:20,170 --> 00:20:22,670 Stinson! 488 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,300 Son... 489 00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:31,100 you have been a pain in my ass 490 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,540 But damn it... 491 00:20:34,540 --> 00:20:38,270 if this ain't some of the finest TP work I've ever seen. 492 00:20:38,270 --> 00:20:40,900 You're reinstated... 493 00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:42,870 effective immediately. 494 00:20:42,870 --> 00:20:45,040 Really?! 495 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,840 Hell, no! 496 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,570 I'm calling the police! 497 00:20:51,570 --> 00:20:53,540 Grown-ass man with pink hair throwing toilet paper. 498 00:20:53,540 --> 00:20:55,440 You've got to be kidding me,you're too old for this... 499 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,270 staff, he said staff