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("O Fortuna" playing)
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x14 ♪
Slapsgiving No. 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra
Original Air Date on January 13, 2014
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
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("O Fortuna" playing)
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NARRATOR:
Oh, sorry, kids.
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00:00:42,221 --> 00:00:46,017
I forgot to mention there's a bit of
a backstory to this particular slap.
7
00:00:46,858 --> 00:00:48,409
- Oh, man.
- Oh.
8
00:00:49,113 --> 00:00:51,115
At least it landed on
the mustard stain.
9
00:00:51,437 --> 00:00:54,110
Don't bother.
That suit is a stain.
10
00:00:54,132 --> 00:00:57,099
A stain on the very
institution of suits.
11
00:00:57,122 --> 00:00:58,749
You know what tie goes
with that suit?
12
00:00:58,770 --> 00:01:00,863
The tie at the top
of a Hefty bag.
13
00:01:00,882 --> 00:01:03,521
A suit like that only needs
one button... self-destruct.
14
00:01:03,541 --> 00:01:05,599
Hey, I bought him that suit.
15
00:01:05,627 --> 00:01:07,425
Where? Barfs Brothers?
16
00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:09,566
Men's Outhouse?
17
00:01:09,585 --> 00:01:12,228
Giorgio Arms...
Are-Not-the-Same-Lengthy?
18
00:01:12,642 --> 00:01:16,031
That suit is a slap in the face
to all suits everywhere.
19
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A slap in the face.
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00:01:18,741 --> 00:01:20,581
Uh, yes, Barney.
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00:01:20,917 --> 00:01:23,250
There's something I need to
tell you about the next slap
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00:01:23,279 --> 00:01:24,906
that you're going to receive.
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00:01:24,940 --> 00:01:29,170
You see, I want this
slap to be as painful
24
00:01:29,195 --> 00:01:30,475
as humanly possible.
25
00:01:30,493 --> 00:01:32,393
- BOTH: Sure. Sure.
- Okay, okay.
26
00:01:32,408 --> 00:01:34,355
Yeah, I'm gonna stop
you right there.
27
00:01:34,376 --> 00:01:38,024
Yes, you won a slap bet
with me seven years ago.
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00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:41,448
And, yes, over the years, you
got in some great slaps.
29
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:43,616
Some great slaps.
30
00:01:43,626 --> 00:01:45,159
But here's the problem.
31
00:01:45,178 --> 00:01:49,063
You've tormented me so much
that I am now immune to it.
32
00:01:49,073 --> 00:01:53,232
- Hmm. - It's as if myface,
my psyche, my soul
33
00:01:53,261 --> 00:01:55,183
were covered in
that numbing cream
34
00:01:55,204 --> 00:01:57,477
we all put on our deals
so that we can go all night.
35
00:01:57,490 --> 00:01:58,926
Am I right, fellas?
36
00:02:00,301 --> 00:02:03,402
Okay, we'll all just pretend
like we've never done that.
37
00:02:03,418 --> 00:02:06,627
Just like we've never sat on our
left hand until it fell asleep
38
00:02:06,648 --> 00:02:08,789
and then used it
for an away gamer.
39
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:12,524
Okay. We'll all pretend
like we've never done that.
40
00:02:12,530 --> 00:02:15,304
Just like we've all never taken
two live jumper cables...
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00:02:15,317 --> 00:02:16,464
Please stop.
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00:02:16,477 --> 00:02:18,677
Barney, I'm well-aware
that you've developed
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00:02:18,701 --> 00:02:20,768
a resistance to all
of my old tricks,
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which is why I sought
out special training.
45
00:02:24,201 --> 00:02:27,249
Hi, hey, I'm sure you get
this question all the time.
46
00:02:27,269 --> 00:02:30,162
But is there a special class
where I just learn slapping?
47
00:02:30,415 --> 00:02:32,022
We teach kung fu here.
48
00:02:32,046 --> 00:02:35,421
Right, see, the thing is, I don't
need to learn anything about kicking.
49
00:02:35,584 --> 00:02:37,435
You know? 'Cause, uh...
50
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,973
So, yeah. I'm good there.
51
00:02:42,237 --> 00:02:44,208
Um, what I really need
to learn is slapping.
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00:02:44,228 --> 00:02:46,441
I need someone to teach
me how to slap my friend
53
00:02:46,454 --> 00:02:49,938
just like really hard
right in his stupid face.
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00:02:49,951 --> 00:02:51,138
Can you teach me that?
55
00:02:51,151 --> 00:02:54,139
Kung fu is an ancient
and honorable martial art.
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00:02:54,159 --> 00:02:57,706
It must be learned with
great devotion and respect.
57
00:02:59,635 --> 00:03:01,433
So, where are we on this
whole slapping thing?
58
00:03:01,452 --> 00:03:03,312
- Yes, no, maybe...?
- Get out.
59
00:03:05,557 --> 00:03:06,563
Psst.
60
00:03:06,581 --> 00:03:08,134
I know what you seek.
61
00:03:08,147 --> 00:03:12,887
You seek to learn the Slap of
a Thousand Exploding Suns.
62
00:03:12,919 --> 00:03:15,506
Yes, that's totally a
thing I've heard of.
63
00:03:15,526 --> 00:03:18,847
- Can you teach me?
- No, but I know who can.
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00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,620
Can you take me
to this great master?
65
00:03:20,627 --> 00:03:21,920
I have much gold.
66
00:03:21,939 --> 00:03:25,783
It is not one great master
you seek but three.
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00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:30,144
They will teach you the three
mighty virtues of slapistry.
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00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:31,737
Speed.
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00:03:32,414 --> 00:03:34,020
Strength.
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00:03:34,273 --> 00:03:36,371
And accuracy.
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00:03:37,352 --> 00:03:39,861
Put these three
virtues together,
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00:03:39,873 --> 00:03:42,112
and only then will
you have mastered
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the Slap of a Million
Exploding Suns.
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00:03:47,218 --> 00:03:49,691
I'm sorry to interrupt,
but a second ago,
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00:03:49,704 --> 00:03:52,557
wasn't it the Slap of a
Thousand Exploding Suns?
76
00:03:52,573 --> 00:03:54,227
Pretty sure I said
a million, guys?
77
00:03:54,245 --> 00:03:56,105
- I heard a million.
- He said a million. - One million.
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00:03:56,543 --> 00:03:57,987
MARSHALL:
So I went to Shanghai...
79
00:03:58,006 --> 00:04:00,066
- You didn't go to Shanghai.
- I went to Shanghai.
80
00:04:00,095 --> 00:04:02,055
- When did you go to Shanghai?
- Last year I went to Shanghai.
81
00:04:02,079 --> 00:04:03,892
- You didn't go to Shanghai.
- He went to Shanghai.
82
00:04:03,909 --> 00:04:05,656
- He didn't go to Shanghai.
- Totally went to Shanghai.
83
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,740
- You didn't go to Shanghai.
- So I went to Shanghai.
84
00:04:08,544 --> 00:04:10,723
In search of the first master.
85
00:04:14,632 --> 00:04:17,002
Are you Red Bird?
86
00:04:23,626 --> 00:04:24,909
BARNEY:
Okay, enough.
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00:04:24,915 --> 00:04:28,055
I know you're trying to freak me out.
But like I said, it's not working.
88
00:04:28,075 --> 00:04:31,839
So I will give you much gold
to stop wasting my time.
89
00:04:32,177 --> 00:04:34,505
Hold that thought, I just want
to see if can fix this.
90
00:04:34,518 --> 00:04:35,582
(song skipping)
91
00:04:35,597 --> 00:04:36,961
(groans)
92
00:04:42,923 --> 00:04:44,040
(all gasp)
93
00:04:44,059 --> 00:04:44,955
ALL:
The Slap of...
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00:04:44,982 --> 00:04:48,328
- Ten Million Exploding Suns! - 500 Exploding
Suns! - Three Billion Exploding Stars!
95
00:04:49,257 --> 00:04:50,518
Whoops.
96
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:56,997
(chuckles)
97
00:04:57,992 --> 00:04:58,766
(sighs)
98
00:04:58,786 --> 00:05:00,287
(gasps)
99
00:05:01,982 --> 00:05:05,151
Relax, I'm not gonna
slap you right now.
100
00:05:05,170 --> 00:05:06,151
(grunts)
101
00:05:06,172 --> 00:05:09,557
When I slap you, it shall be
beneath a willow tree
102
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:12,516
next to four women and a tiger.
103
00:05:13,408 --> 00:05:17,066
A willow tree, four women and a tiger?
What are you talking about?
104
00:05:17,085 --> 00:05:20,593
Who said anything about a willow
tree, four women and a tiger?
105
00:05:20,610 --> 00:05:21,370
Guys?
106
00:05:21,395 --> 00:05:23,201
- Nobody. - A tiger?
- You were totally silent just now.
107
00:05:23,217 --> 00:05:25,479
But Marshall just said that!
108
00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:28,849
What is going on? How did
you do that to the jukebox?
109
00:05:29,377 --> 00:05:31,635
Wait, it's fake.
110
00:05:31,687 --> 00:05:35,567
That's a prop jukebox,
designed just to mess with me.
111
00:05:35,586 --> 00:05:38,345
Marshall, that jukebox
cost eight grand.
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00:05:39,329 --> 00:05:41,103
I have much gold.
113
00:05:43,814 --> 00:05:45,663
Huh, that is much.
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00:05:46,277 --> 00:05:47,897
You got lucky, Eriksen.
115
00:05:48,697 --> 00:05:50,481
I don't like this!
116
00:05:50,530 --> 00:05:54,031
I thought that nothing I said or
did could intimidate you anymore.
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00:05:54,053 --> 00:05:55,710
(stammers)
That's right.
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00:05:55,728 --> 00:05:57,153
It can't.
119
00:05:57,272 --> 00:05:59,055
(sniffs)
(yells)
120
00:05:59,562 --> 00:06:00,708
Itch.
121
00:06:00,726 --> 00:06:03,127
Look. If you're really nervous,
122
00:06:03,166 --> 00:06:04,866
don't think of it as a slap.
123
00:06:04,887 --> 00:06:06,847
- Think of it as a high five.
- Okay.
124
00:06:06,876 --> 00:06:08,643
- For your stupid face.
- (Barney crying)
125
00:06:08,656 --> 00:06:10,596
So, anyway, I'm in
the noodle house...
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00:06:10,609 --> 00:06:13,382
I'll admit. I didn't
expect Red Bird,
127
00:06:13,408 --> 00:06:16,717
Master of Speed, to be a girl.
128
00:06:17,069 --> 00:06:21,230
- You sure you really know how to...?
- What is the sound of one hand slapping?
129
00:06:22,227 --> 00:06:24,354
I'm sorry, I don't understa...
(slap)
130
00:06:26,122 --> 00:06:28,310
Wait, how did you...? (slap)
131
00:06:30,298 --> 00:06:32,755
Lucky shot, I wasn't ready...
(slap)
132
00:06:34,226 --> 00:06:36,153
You know, that tip
isn't a full 20%...
133
00:06:36,185 --> 00:06:37,673
(two slaps)
134
00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:40,817
Train me, Red Bird.
135
00:06:41,126 --> 00:06:43,144
- Teach me speed.
- No.
136
00:06:43,510 --> 00:06:44,977
I retired long ago.
137
00:06:44,991 --> 00:06:47,054
Retired? You're like, 32.
138
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,917
I am 86 years old.
139
00:06:49,786 --> 00:06:52,509
But slapping is now
a part of my past.
140
00:06:52,605 --> 00:06:55,941
Darn, I really wanted
to slap Barney Stinson.
141
00:06:56,085 --> 00:06:58,065
This is to slap Barney Stinson?
142
00:06:58,091 --> 00:06:59,685
Yeah, okay.
143
00:06:59,712 --> 00:07:01,358
I'll totally teach you.
144
00:07:01,837 --> 00:07:03,870
MARSHALL:
And so began my training.
145
00:07:04,199 --> 00:07:05,911
Slap this tree.
146
00:07:07,095 --> 00:07:09,340
- Slap the tree?
- If you can.
147
00:07:12,168 --> 00:07:13,490
I mean...
148
00:07:14,193 --> 00:07:15,826
Seems pretty easy.
149
00:07:20,490 --> 00:07:21,825
Ooh!
150
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,213
What the...?
151
00:07:25,203 --> 00:07:26,571
Ooh!
152
00:07:27,985 --> 00:07:31,097
The fabled Slapping Tree
of Gongqing Forest.
153
00:07:31,604 --> 00:07:34,647
BARNEY: Beg your pardon.
The "Fabled Slapping Tree
154
00:07:34,667 --> 00:07:37,307
- of Gongqing Forest"?
- Sure.
155
00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:39,417
- Really? "Fabled."
- Mmm.
156
00:07:39,436 --> 00:07:41,149
'Cause I've never heard of it.
157
00:07:41,168 --> 00:07:42,915
I'm pretty sure everybody's
heard of it. Guys?
158
00:07:42,932 --> 00:07:45,081
- Yup. - Totally, yeah.
- I backpacked there in college.
159
00:07:45,101 --> 00:07:49,266
See? Fabled. It even inspired a
popular Chinese children's book.
160
00:07:50,916 --> 00:07:52,371
It's a poignant parable
161
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:55,894
whose message, is if you
love someone, set them free.
162
00:07:56,471 --> 00:08:00,500
But not before first slapping
them right in their stupid face.
163
00:08:01,684 --> 00:08:03,379
As my training continued,
164
00:08:03,392 --> 00:08:06,480
I also learned the delicate
art of Chinese painting.
165
00:08:07,427 --> 00:08:10,049
That looks nothing like
this bowl of fruit!
166
00:08:11,641 --> 00:08:13,468
MARSHALL: My training
went on for a year.
167
00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:15,151
- A year?
- A year.
168
00:08:15,171 --> 00:08:19,734
One year? None of us noticed you
were stuck in Shanghai for a year?
169
00:08:19,783 --> 00:08:21,482
I wasn't being held slaptive,
170
00:08:21,497 --> 00:08:24,162
I chose to stay and
complete my training.
171
00:08:24,579 --> 00:08:26,193
I'm not even gonna...
172
00:08:26,212 --> 00:08:27,682
Just, whatever.
173
00:08:28,464 --> 00:08:30,816
You have shown great
slaptitude, young one.
174
00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:33,233
You are ready
for your final test.
175
00:08:34,402 --> 00:08:35,798
Slap me.
176
00:08:36,077 --> 00:08:37,917
- What?
- Slap me, now!
177
00:08:37,947 --> 00:08:40,809
- No, Red Bird, I can't.
- Slap me-- that is not a request.
178
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:43,863
- I won't! - The Vikings will never
win the Super Bo... (slap)
179
00:08:44,860 --> 00:08:46,634
Wait, how did you...?
(slap)
180
00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:49,334
Lucky shot. I wasn't re...
(slap)
181
00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:51,772
That's a big tip. You
must have much gold.
182
00:08:51,794 --> 00:08:53,033
(two slaps)
183
00:08:54,381 --> 00:08:56,421
You are ready
for your final step.
184
00:08:56,439 --> 00:08:57,946
Awesome! Oh, man!
185
00:08:57,967 --> 00:09:01,629
I can't wait to slap Barney Stinson
right across his stupid fa...
186
00:09:01,644 --> 00:09:03,643
(slapping)
187
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,684
What? What did I say?
188
00:09:07,706 --> 00:09:10,925
You must not slap anyone
until your training is complete.
189
00:09:11,127 --> 00:09:13,297
The consequences could be dire.
190
00:09:13,443 --> 00:09:16,234
First, you must meet
White Flower,
191
00:09:16,247 --> 00:09:19,606
the second master, who
will teach you strength.
192
00:09:19,636 --> 00:09:21,556
She lives atop a mountain.
193
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,944
- Which mountain?
- No, not Witch Mountain.
194
00:09:26,061 --> 00:09:27,388
Slap Mountain.
195
00:09:28,792 --> 00:09:30,692
BARNEY: Hate to cut in
again here, but...
196
00:09:30,723 --> 00:09:32,590
- Slap Mountain?
- That's right.
197
00:09:32,603 --> 00:09:35,474
You're claiming there's
a mountain in China
198
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:37,748
in the exact shape of a hand?
199
00:09:37,841 --> 00:09:39,181
Everyone knows that.
Right, guys?
200
00:09:39,206 --> 00:09:41,358
- True. - Totally.
- I backpacked there in college.
201
00:09:41,371 --> 00:09:43,691
It's the largest of the
Slappalachian Mountains.
202
00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:44,824
(groans)
203
00:09:44,844 --> 00:09:46,295
And at the top...
204
00:09:50,479 --> 00:09:54,514
Excuse me? Uh, do you know
where I can find White Flower?
205
00:09:55,527 --> 00:09:58,304
How dare you speak that name?
206
00:09:58,633 --> 00:10:01,840
That is the most feared
name in 40 villages!
207
00:10:01,854 --> 00:10:04,136
Really? "White Flower"?
208
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,489
I'm sorry, it's just, it's
not exactly Voldemort.
209
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:08,889
Bro! Why don't yo
just say "Candyman"
210
00:10:08,915 --> 00:10:10,411
three times and be done with it?
211
00:10:10,433 --> 00:10:11,780
Geez!
212
00:10:19,304 --> 00:10:21,452
(fly buzzing)
213
00:10:26,070 --> 00:10:27,211
Awesome!
214
00:10:27,233 --> 00:10:29,173
Can-can you teach
me how to do that?
215
00:10:29,186 --> 00:10:32,003
No, I retired from
teaching long ago.
216
00:10:32,018 --> 00:10:33,931
Retired? You're like, 32.
217
00:10:33,950 --> 00:10:36,267
I am 106 years old.
218
00:10:36,288 --> 00:10:38,155
What is in these noodles?
219
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:40,738
I'm sorry, but my
slapping days are over.
220
00:10:40,771 --> 00:10:42,031
Darn,
221
00:10:42,056 --> 00:10:46,056
I really wanted this next Barney
Stinson slap to be special.
222
00:10:46,082 --> 00:10:47,882
- This is to slap Barney Stinson?
- Mmm.
223
00:10:47,895 --> 00:10:49,976
Yeah, okay, I'll
totally teach you.
224
00:10:52,211 --> 00:10:54,264
The true power of any slap
225
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:56,562
comes from the anger behind it.
226
00:10:56,688 --> 00:10:59,296
So for a truly devastating slap,
227
00:10:59,315 --> 00:11:02,304
you must harvest
the anger of many.
228
00:11:02,619 --> 00:11:06,457
Every time someone who hates
Barney slaps you in the face,
229
00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:11,207
the power of their anger goes
from your face into your hand.
230
00:11:14,105 --> 00:11:16,805
MARSHALL: White Flower and I made
love that night in the forest.
231
00:11:16,821 --> 00:11:19,000
No, sorry. Flag on the play.
232
00:11:19,019 --> 00:11:23,051
- You banged White Flower?
- I made love to White Flower.
233
00:11:23,869 --> 00:11:25,356
And then I banged her.
234
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,465
- In the forest?
- In Gongqing Forest, yes.
235
00:11:29,064 --> 00:11:31,831
Actually right near
the Slapping Tree.
236
00:11:31,850 --> 00:11:34,181
Which may or may not
have come into play.
237
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,117
Oh, my God, you had a tree-way?
238
00:11:37,243 --> 00:11:39,954
And, Lily, you were okay with
Marshall having an affair?
239
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:42,054
What happens in the
magical Gongqing Forest
240
00:11:42,072 --> 00:11:44,172
stays in the magical
Gongqing Forest.
241
00:11:44,194 --> 00:11:45,774
Best wife ever.
242
00:11:47,312 --> 00:11:50,146
Like I was saying, you
need to harvest the anger
243
00:11:50,152 --> 00:11:52,375
of others into your own slap.
244
00:11:52,617 --> 00:11:53,964
Now, dig deep.
245
00:11:53,983 --> 00:11:55,924
Can you think of anyone,
246
00:11:55,944 --> 00:11:59,320
anyone at all who
hates Barney Stinson?
247
00:12:00,151 --> 00:12:02,078
(both laughing)
248
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:07,030
I know, I know, I almost couldn't get
through it with a straight face!
249
00:12:07,242 --> 00:12:09,515
There are just so many people
250
00:12:09,541 --> 00:12:11,414
who hate Barney's guts!
251
00:12:13,001 --> 00:12:14,650
Moving on.
252
00:12:14,923 --> 00:12:16,256
(sighs)
253
00:12:16,626 --> 00:12:19,022
The point is, you need to
go get slapped in the face
254
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:21,482
by a bunch of gullible
chicks Barney banged.
255
00:12:21,721 --> 00:12:23,641
I'm a friend of Barney Stinson.
Ooh!
256
00:12:23,661 --> 00:12:25,250
I'm a friend of Barney Stins...
257
00:12:25,272 --> 00:12:27,688
I-I'm-I'm a friend of
Barney Stinson. Aah!
258
00:12:27,968 --> 00:12:28,735
Ooh!
259
00:12:28,752 --> 00:12:29,879
I'm so sorry.
260
00:12:29,898 --> 00:12:31,772
I thought you said you were
a friend of Barney Stinson.
261
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:33,404
I did. Ooh!
262
00:12:33,656 --> 00:12:34,376
Oh!
263
00:12:34,399 --> 00:12:36,986
Ooh! Wow!
264
00:12:38,207 --> 00:12:39,729
Could you...
265
00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:41,534
also...
266
00:12:42,016 --> 00:12:44,245
slap me in the face?
267
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,646
God, you're just as
perverted as Barney.
268
00:12:46,843 --> 00:12:48,138
Ooh!
269
00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:49,515
(groans)
270
00:12:50,763 --> 00:12:52,540
And after a while...
271
00:12:57,038 --> 00:12:59,682
Look at this thing--
it's all hot and glowy!
272
00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:01,969
I'll never have
cold pizza again!
273
00:13:02,951 --> 00:13:04,631
I'll never have
cold pizza again.
274
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:06,884
- Silence!
- Sorry, White Flower.
275
00:13:06,906 --> 00:13:09,637
I've just got a slappetite for destruction.
Thanks for everything!
276
00:13:09,670 --> 00:13:12,202
I'm gonna go slap Barney Stinson
right in his stupid face!
277
00:13:12,222 --> 00:13:14,897
Wait, first you must
go learn accuracy
278
00:13:14,927 --> 00:13:17,391
from the one who is called
The Calligrapher
279
00:13:17,416 --> 00:13:20,475
in the far-off,
mystical land of...
280
00:13:22,491 --> 00:13:23,834
- Cleveland?
- Cleveland.
281
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:25,067
Why Cleveland?
282
00:13:25,084 --> 00:13:28,091
It's the city equivalent of
being slapped in the face.
283
00:13:28,110 --> 00:13:29,151
Bro.
284
00:13:30,895 --> 00:13:32,908
Man, is this place a
chain or something?
285
00:13:32,923 --> 00:13:34,116
One for dinner?
286
00:13:34,298 --> 00:13:35,686
No,
287
00:13:35,711 --> 00:13:37,618
I'm here to meet her.
288
00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:40,317
Bro.
289
00:13:44,660 --> 00:13:46,464
Can you teach me accuracy?
290
00:13:46,485 --> 00:13:47,970
I can.
291
00:13:48,427 --> 00:13:50,942
The proper question is: will I?
292
00:13:51,050 --> 00:13:52,957
Grammar is the first step
293
00:13:52,990 --> 00:13:55,594
on the thousand-mile
journey to accuracy.
294
00:13:56,245 --> 00:13:59,453
I'm, uh, assuming there's
no Mrs. The Calligrapher?
295
00:13:59,466 --> 00:14:01,589
The path I've
chosen is lonesome.
296
00:14:02,201 --> 00:14:05,398
But it's no big deal. I prefer
being alone, I really do.
297
00:14:05,418 --> 00:14:08,091
Unless you know any single ladies
you-you-you could set me up with.
298
00:14:08,111 --> 00:14:11,019
- Nope. - Good, because
I prefer being alone.
299
00:14:11,494 --> 00:14:13,122
Also I'm sorry,
300
00:14:13,332 --> 00:14:15,825
but I retired from
teaching long ago.
301
00:14:15,845 --> 00:14:18,383
- Retired? You're like, 35.
- (groans)
302
00:14:18,889 --> 00:14:20,456
I'm 34.
303
00:14:20,469 --> 00:14:21,723
Oh, sorry.
304
00:14:21,754 --> 00:14:23,018
I use moisturizer every night.
305
00:14:23,043 --> 00:14:27,065
- I thought my skin still looked vibrant.
- It does, it does.
306
00:14:27,279 --> 00:14:30,605
Look, uh, I'm just... I'm really
just here to finish my training,
307
00:14:30,627 --> 00:14:32,954
um, so, the, uh,
look, the truth is,
308
00:14:32,977 --> 00:14:35,964
I have a divorced cousin
just outside of Akron.
309
00:14:35,977 --> 00:14:38,759
Now, I wouldn't call
Janice easy on the eyes--
310
00:14:38,794 --> 00:14:40,994
or the springs of a
bathroom scale--
311
00:14:41,016 --> 00:14:43,389
but if you want,
I could set you up.
312
00:14:43,402 --> 00:14:47,793
Sold! Now, the most important lesson
in learning accuracy... (choking)
313
00:14:52,371 --> 00:14:55,068
He was dying right
before my eyes.
314
00:14:55,087 --> 00:14:57,519
So I did the only thing
that I could think to do.
315
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:00,808
(stammers)
Please!
316
00:15:00,828 --> 00:15:02,195
I slapped his back.
317
00:15:02,211 --> 00:15:03,658
And that's when I found out why
318
00:15:03,679 --> 00:15:06,383
"No slapping until your
training is complete"
319
00:15:06,390 --> 00:15:09,265
is the most important rule.
Because my slap...
320
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:11,917
was too powerful.
321
00:15:12,714 --> 00:15:15,001
I hadn't learned accuracy
322
00:15:15,024 --> 00:15:17,494
and so I couldn't control it.
323
00:15:17,799 --> 00:15:19,160
And, well...
324
00:15:28,992 --> 00:15:31,380
No!
325
00:15:31,393 --> 00:15:33,460
Stop it! Just stop!
326
00:15:33,479 --> 00:15:36,934
You did not slap the heart
out of a man's body!
327
00:15:37,059 --> 00:15:39,009
If only that were true.
328
00:15:39,324 --> 00:15:41,132
You're saying that you
committed a murder?
329
00:15:41,145 --> 00:15:42,775
I was trying to save him!
330
00:15:42,801 --> 00:15:45,201
Shh, baby, it's okay,
you didn't mean to.
331
00:15:45,227 --> 00:15:47,712
- He doesn't sleep. - You got to move on.
- You were only trying to help.
332
00:15:47,730 --> 00:15:49,983
You're making this
whole story up.
333
00:15:50,003 --> 00:15:51,453
I wish that I were.
334
00:15:52,266 --> 00:15:54,527
Because of the tragedy, I never
got to finish my training.
335
00:15:54,540 --> 00:15:56,705
I never learned accuracy.
336
00:15:57,676 --> 00:15:59,779
Because of that,
I shall remain...
337
00:16:00,613 --> 00:16:02,034
forever...
338
00:16:02,650 --> 00:16:05,124
a mere slapprentice.
339
00:16:05,314 --> 00:16:06,954
What does that mean, baby?
340
00:16:06,973 --> 00:16:08,406
NARRATOR:
Here's what it meant.
341
00:16:08,608 --> 00:16:11,309
("O Fortuna" playing)
342
00:16:16,447 --> 00:16:17,598
(Barney gasps)
343
00:16:17,734 --> 00:16:19,201
(yelling)
344
00:16:19,498 --> 00:16:20,976
Damn it!
345
00:16:24,405 --> 00:16:26,760
Please! Somebody!
346
00:16:27,429 --> 00:16:28,927
Help me!
347
00:16:29,304 --> 00:16:32,396
There's a crazy guy trying
to slap me and he's...
348
00:16:33,691 --> 00:16:35,078
Oh, my God.
349
00:16:35,097 --> 00:16:36,791
Four women.
350
00:16:36,804 --> 00:16:38,142
And a willow tree.
351
00:16:39,654 --> 00:16:41,378
At least there's no tiger.
352
00:16:43,201 --> 00:16:44,568
Oh, my God.
353
00:16:44,883 --> 00:16:46,359
Is that...
354
00:16:46,384 --> 00:16:47,711
half a tiger?
355
00:16:47,724 --> 00:16:49,131
You got here early.
356
00:16:49,161 --> 00:16:50,900
Aah!
357
00:16:52,923 --> 00:16:54,111
It's time.
358
00:16:54,621 --> 00:16:57,031
But you never completed
your training.
359
00:16:57,201 --> 00:16:58,254
Actually...
360
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,793
Listen to me. I must speak fast.
361
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,601
Once you've had your heart
slapped out of your body,
362
00:17:02,614 --> 00:17:05,122
you've only got ten,
15 minutes to live, max.
363
00:17:05,140 --> 00:17:06,540
Sure.
364
00:17:06,851 --> 00:17:10,168
The trick to accuracy is to,
like, try to be really accurate.
365
00:17:10,248 --> 00:17:11,611
Okay? Don't just slap.
366
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,892
Like, like, really try to aim.
367
00:17:13,924 --> 00:17:16,475
Look where you're slapping,
that's important.
368
00:17:16,495 --> 00:17:18,642
And then try to slap that spot
369
00:17:18,674 --> 00:17:20,727
instead of some other spot.
370
00:17:22,052 --> 00:17:24,253
Well, I guess that's pretty much it.
You can slap people now.
371
00:17:24,279 --> 00:17:25,769
(groans)
372
00:17:28,495 --> 00:17:29,728
He's gone.
373
00:17:29,753 --> 00:17:30,880
One other thing.
374
00:17:30,909 --> 00:17:32,897
Cleveland has a lot to offer.
375
00:17:32,923 --> 00:17:35,885
Be sure to check out the James A.
Garfield Monument.
376
00:17:35,905 --> 00:17:39,511
Um, I mean, sure, he was only president for
four months before he was assassinated,
377
00:17:39,524 --> 00:17:42,142
but if you get up to the top, you
can see almost for 30 miles.
378
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:44,000
As long as the steel
factory's not smelting.
379
00:17:44,019 --> 00:17:46,112
(groans)
380
00:17:47,748 --> 00:17:49,231
He's gone.
381
00:17:49,261 --> 00:17:52,458
No, like I said,
ten, 15 minutes.
382
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,585
- Oh, God, this is awkward.
- Yeah, yeah.
383
00:17:56,592 --> 00:17:58,287
It's like when you're saying
good-bye to someone,
384
00:17:58,306 --> 00:18:00,619
and then you realize you're both
heading in the same direction.
385
00:18:00,641 --> 00:18:03,581
It's like, what do we, what do
we we say good-bye again or...?
386
00:18:03,608 --> 00:18:05,214
- Right...
- (groans)
387
00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:08,001
He's gone.
388
00:18:09,820 --> 00:18:12,786
Wait, are you just pretending
so it'll be less awkward?
389
00:18:14,137 --> 00:18:15,836
Should I just, like, go?
390
00:18:17,558 --> 00:18:18,833
Okay.
391
00:18:23,848 --> 00:18:26,923
My training is complete.
392
00:18:27,824 --> 00:18:29,365
I'm ready.
393
00:18:31,696 --> 00:18:33,373
I'm ready, too.
394
00:18:34,763 --> 00:18:37,056
- I love you. - Enough to
take this slap for me?
395
00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:38,455
No.
396
00:18:41,452 --> 00:18:43,704
♪
397
00:19:10,575 --> 00:19:11,871
(grunts)
398
00:19:13,891 --> 00:19:14,965
That's four!
399
00:19:14,978 --> 00:19:16,751
- All right!
- Yeah! - Oh!
400
00:19:16,769 --> 00:19:19,376
- Good one, you got me that time, bro.
- Yeah, right? Hey, only one slap left.
401
00:19:19,381 --> 00:19:20,956
Crazy! Where did the time go?
402
00:19:20,968 --> 00:19:23,412
I know, it's, like, uh, slow down,
life, you know what I mean?
403
00:19:23,432 --> 00:19:25,059
(laughter)
404
00:19:25,109 --> 00:19:26,489
Hey, was that a fake jukebox?
405
00:19:26,504 --> 00:19:28,437
- Yeah, yeah, fake jukebox.
- Nice, nice.
406
00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:29,748
- Aw, man.
- All right.
407
00:19:29,774 --> 00:19:31,361
- You okay? Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, good.
408
00:19:34,041 --> 00:19:35,841
Ladies and gentlemen,
409
00:19:35,866 --> 00:19:36,979
Boyz II Men.
410
00:19:37,018 --> 00:19:40,334
♪ Ooh-ooh
411
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:41,739
♪ Ooh
412
00:19:41,766 --> 00:19:44,756
♪ What is this feeling
413
00:19:44,783 --> 00:19:48,300
♪ That's put you
in your place? ♪
414
00:19:49,042 --> 00:19:51,370
♪ A hot red burning
415
00:19:51,389 --> 00:19:54,185
♪ On the side of your face
416
00:19:54,215 --> 00:19:55,514
♪ Ah ♪
417
00:19:55,529 --> 00:19:57,696
♪ You feel the blood rush ♪
418
00:19:57,709 --> 00:19:59,249
♪ To your cheek
419
00:19:59,276 --> 00:20:03,026
♪ Tears start to
fill your eyes ♪
420
00:20:03,051 --> 00:20:06,798
♪ Your lips are trembling,
but you can't speak ♪
421
00:20:06,821 --> 00:20:08,574
♪ You're trying, oh ♪
422
00:20:08,594 --> 00:20:13,334
♪ You're trying not to cry ♪
423
00:20:13,357 --> 00:20:15,364
♪ You just got slapped
424
00:20:15,876 --> 00:20:17,196
♪ Whoa
425
00:20:17,218 --> 00:20:19,743
♪ Across the face, my friend
426
00:20:19,763 --> 00:20:22,750
♪ Yeah, you just got slapped
427
00:20:22,769 --> 00:20:24,227
♪ Oh, yes
428
00:20:24,246 --> 00:20:26,453
♪ It really just happened
429
00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:28,147
♪ Oh, yes, it did ♪
430
00:20:28,173 --> 00:20:32,202
♪ Oh, everybody saw it-- ha!
431
00:20:32,217 --> 00:20:36,077
♪ And everybody
laughed and clapped ♪
432
00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:38,564
♪ Ooh, everybody saw it
433
00:20:38,590 --> 00:20:43,605
♪ Ha! And everybody
laughed and clapped ♪
434
00:20:43,631 --> 00:20:49,439
♪ 'Cause it was awesome ♪
♪ So awesome ♪
435
00:20:49,830 --> 00:20:52,975
♪ The way that you
just got slapped ♪
436
00:20:52,996 --> 00:20:56,098
♪ Ooh, yeah♪
♪ Slapped ♪
437
00:20:56,127 --> 00:20:58,544
♪ Oh, yeah.
438
00:21:04,799 --> 00:21:06,098
One more.
439
00:21:07,369 --> 00:21:12,369
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther