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00:00:01,677 --> 00:00:04,379
NARRATOR: Kids, when your
Uncle Marshall's bus broke down
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00:00:04,380 --> 00:00:06,660
five miles away
from the Farhampton Inn,
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00:00:06,661 --> 00:00:07,993
he made a vow.
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00:00:07,995 --> 00:00:10,012
I can walk that far.
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00:00:10,014 --> 00:00:13,699
Yes. It was another
exciting installment of...
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MARSHALL:
♪ Marshall versus the machines
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00:00:19,957 --> 00:00:22,207
♪ Our hero starts his journey
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00:00:22,209 --> 00:00:24,593
♪ With steely-eyed resolve,
but let's ♪
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00:00:24,595 --> 00:00:26,712
♪ Skip ahead to later
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00:00:26,714 --> 00:00:28,697
♪ With a slow dissolve
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00:00:28,699 --> 00:00:31,650
♪ So tired, dehydrated
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00:00:31,652 --> 00:00:34,553
♪ Not making any sense
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00:00:34,555 --> 00:00:37,740
♪ But wait a second,
why is Bigfoot ♪
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♪ Standing by that fence?
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Oh. Hey.
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00:00:41,028 --> 00:00:42,828
You didn't see this.
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00:00:42,830 --> 00:00:45,948
♪ I'm not hallucinating
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00:00:45,950 --> 00:00:48,233
♪ Bigfoot really exists
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00:00:48,235 --> 00:00:52,070
♪ But everyone knows
he quit smoking years ago ♪
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MARSHALL:
Oh, crap. I'm losing it.
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00:00:54,908 --> 00:00:57,409
(vehicle approaching)
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(horn honks)
WOMAN: Excuse me. Hey.
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You guys need a lift?
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00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:06,185
NARRATOR: And that's how Marshall
met your mother.
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00:01:06,210 --> 00:01:10,210
♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x13 ♪
Bass Player Wanted
Original Air Date on December 16, 2013
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00:01:10,235 --> 00:01:15,235
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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This is great.
The whole gang together.
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00:01:22,286 --> 00:01:24,987
Well, almost
the whole gang.
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00:01:24,989 --> 00:01:28,073
Yeah, there's just one beloved
piece of the puzzle missing.
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00:01:30,410 --> 00:01:32,628
That bottle of 30-year
Glen McKenna scotch.
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00:01:32,630 --> 00:01:34,329
Mmm...
(slurping)
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NARRATOR:
So far, that weekend
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00:01:35,716 --> 00:01:38,634
had been fatal
for not just one...
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00:01:38,636 --> 00:01:40,586
but two bottles of $600 scotch
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00:01:40,588 --> 00:01:43,589
intended
for a special wedding toast.
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00:01:43,591 --> 00:01:45,557
Also, where the
hell is Marshall?
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00:01:45,559 --> 00:01:49,294
I still can't believe he took
the judgeship behind my back.
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00:01:49,296 --> 00:01:52,931
Look, I know this is messy, my
dream versus Marshall's dream.
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00:01:52,933 --> 00:01:55,217
I won't force you guys
to choose sides.
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00:01:55,219 --> 00:01:57,236
Good, because I totally side
with Marshall.
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00:01:57,238 --> 00:01:59,855
That would've been so awkward.
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00:01:59,857 --> 00:02:02,157
Hey, let's go see if they have
any Glen McKenna up at the bar.
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00:02:02,159 --> 00:02:03,475
Okay.
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00:02:03,477 --> 00:02:05,077
Hey, look, don't be mad.
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00:02:05,079 --> 00:02:06,745
Barney just thinks
that if he has a judge friend,
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00:02:06,747 --> 00:02:10,115
he can get all of his citations
for public urination thrown out.
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00:02:10,117 --> 00:02:12,334
How often does Barney pee
in public?
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00:02:12,336 --> 00:02:14,787
A lot.
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00:02:14,789 --> 00:02:16,338
But don't worry.
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00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:17,623
I'm on your side.
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00:02:17,625 --> 00:02:18,757
Aw...
(chuckles)
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What's poppin', mi amigas?
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ROBIN:
Oh, boy, who's this idiot?
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00:02:23,831 --> 00:02:27,833
LILY: And which one of us is he gonna
try to make the sex on?
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00:02:27,835 --> 00:02:29,718
You both look beautiful tonight.
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00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,020
ROBIN:
Bro, going for the tricycle.
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00:02:32,022 --> 00:02:36,341
(scoffs) Can you imagine having
a three-way with this creep?
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00:02:36,343 --> 00:02:37,676
(chuckles)
Yeah, right.
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00:02:37,678 --> 00:02:39,344
You, me and this guy,
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00:02:39,346 --> 00:02:41,230
naked, going at it.
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00:02:41,232 --> 00:02:44,817
Then he gets tired and it's
just you and me going at it.
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00:02:44,819 --> 00:02:47,069
ROBIN: Uh, Lily...
That'd be so stupid.
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00:02:47,071 --> 00:02:50,155
So stupid...
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00:02:50,157 --> 00:02:52,357
ROBIN:
Um, okay, I'll shoot him down.
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00:02:52,359 --> 00:02:55,661
By the way, I am so psyched
for the wedding tomorrow, Robin.
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00:02:55,663 --> 00:02:57,496
I'm truly honored
that you and Barney
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00:02:57,498 --> 00:02:58,831
asked me to be a part of it.
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We're honored...
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00:03:01,302 --> 00:03:03,034
you're here...
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00:03:03,970 --> 00:03:06,054
...valued invitee.
(chuckles)
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00:03:06,056 --> 00:03:06,972
(chuckles)
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00:03:06,974 --> 00:03:08,724
ROBIN:
Help me. Who is this?
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00:03:08,726 --> 00:03:11,844
LILY: Maybe he's one of your
long-lost Canadian cousins?
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00:03:11,846 --> 00:03:15,647
Uh, do you happen to have all
of your fingers and teeth?
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00:03:15,649 --> 00:03:18,150
Uh... yeah.
(chuckles)
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ROBIN:
Not one of my cousins.
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00:03:21,154 --> 00:03:23,405
Hey, thanks again
for picking us up.
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00:03:23,407 --> 00:03:25,324
It's been a crazy
couple of days.
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00:03:25,326 --> 00:03:27,192
You can't imagine
what we've been through.
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00:03:27,194 --> 00:03:28,327
Wait, let me guess.
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00:03:28,329 --> 00:03:31,330
You were visiting a relative,
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00:03:31,332 --> 00:03:33,182
maybe... your mother?
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00:03:33,184 --> 00:03:34,283
And I'm getting
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00:03:34,285 --> 00:03:35,734
a Midwest vibe,
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00:03:35,736 --> 00:03:37,436
somewhere like...
Wisconsin...
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00:03:37,438 --> 00:03:38,754
(scoffs)
...no, Minnesota?
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00:03:38,756 --> 00:03:40,322
Wow.
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00:03:40,324 --> 00:03:42,374
You're-you're, like,
really good at this.
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00:03:42,376 --> 00:03:45,076
You're planning an overseas trip
with your wife.
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00:03:45,078 --> 00:03:47,045
I'm seeing a...
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00:03:47,047 --> 00:03:49,247
a feisty redhead who loves art.
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00:03:49,249 --> 00:03:50,265
She just got a job
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00:03:50,267 --> 00:03:51,683
in Europe, maybe France?
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00:03:51,685 --> 00:03:53,084
No. Italy?
95
00:03:53,086 --> 00:03:54,686
(gasps)
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00:03:54,688 --> 00:03:57,189
Total shot in the dark, but...
97
00:03:57,191 --> 00:03:58,390
Rome?
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00:04:00,944 --> 00:04:03,195
Maybe I'll just, like...
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00:04:03,197 --> 00:04:04,429
I'll get out right here.
(doors lock)
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00:04:04,431 --> 00:04:07,616
You're not going anywhere.
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00:04:09,052 --> 00:04:10,402
No, I'm just messin' with ya.
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00:04:10,404 --> 00:04:11,870
I rode the train with your wife.
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00:04:11,872 --> 00:04:13,372
She told me all about you.
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00:04:13,374 --> 00:04:14,573
You must be Marshall.
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00:04:19,295 --> 00:04:20,796
Um...
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00:04:20,798 --> 00:04:22,164
I was checking on the baby.
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00:04:22,166 --> 00:04:23,632
(laughs)
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00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,450
(laughing): Wait-wait a minute,
wait a minute.
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00:04:25,452 --> 00:04:27,386
So you guys both got locked out
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00:04:27,388 --> 00:04:29,555
on the roof in your pajamas?
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00:04:29,557 --> 00:04:33,291
You guys are hilarious
and adorable!
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00:04:33,293 --> 00:04:35,293
LILY:
Any idea who this guy is?
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00:04:35,295 --> 00:04:37,145
ROBIN:
No, but I like that he gets
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00:04:37,147 --> 00:04:39,565
how hilarious
and adorable we are!
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00:04:39,567 --> 00:04:41,733
LILY:
We are hilarious and adorable!
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00:04:41,735 --> 00:04:43,485
(laughs)
I'll get the next round.
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00:04:43,487 --> 00:04:44,903
Oh, thanks.
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00:04:44,905 --> 00:04:46,271
Thanks, Lil.
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00:04:46,273 --> 00:04:49,741
Hey, I'm sorry if
I barged in on you guys.
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00:04:49,743 --> 00:04:51,276
I can be a little overeager
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00:04:51,278 --> 00:04:53,278
to connect sometimes.
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00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:55,280
Probably because of
my childhood.
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00:04:55,282 --> 00:04:56,698
Right.
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00:04:56,700 --> 00:04:59,084
Because of that thing
that happened.
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00:04:59,086 --> 00:05:00,819
My mother died
on a hunting trip
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00:05:00,821 --> 00:05:02,988
when I was very young.
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00:05:02,990 --> 00:05:05,374
Yeah, that's it,
that's the thing.
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00:05:05,376 --> 00:05:07,376
Sorry, blah, too heavy!
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00:05:07,378 --> 00:05:08,377
(chuckles)
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00:05:08,379 --> 00:05:09,378
So, Robin.
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00:05:09,380 --> 00:05:10,712
What's going on...
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00:05:10,714 --> 00:05:12,264
with you?
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00:05:12,266 --> 00:05:13,799
Oh, nothing.
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00:05:13,801 --> 00:05:15,634
I mean, uh, nothing big, anyway.
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00:05:15,636 --> 00:05:17,019
Hey, hey, hey...
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00:05:17,021 --> 00:05:19,504
this is me
you're talking to.
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00:05:20,673 --> 00:05:23,025
Well, there is
this thing with Lily...
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00:05:23,027 --> 00:05:24,559
You know, Ted,
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00:05:24,561 --> 00:05:26,278
if you really want
to get a bottle
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00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:28,196
of Glen McKenna 30-year
for Barney,
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00:05:28,198 --> 00:05:30,849
I got that last one at
the Farhampton Liquor Store.
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00:05:30,851 --> 00:05:33,118
The security there
is a total joke!
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00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,120
No, see, I don't
want to know that.
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00:05:35,122 --> 00:05:37,623
I won't be an accomplice
to grand larceny.
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00:05:37,625 --> 00:05:40,191
I am not confirming
or denying a thing.
146
00:05:40,193 --> 00:05:42,210
But there's a really high window
in the storage room
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00:05:42,212 --> 00:05:43,528
and if you climb up...
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00:05:43,530 --> 00:05:45,414
La la la la la,
I'm not listening!
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00:05:45,416 --> 00:05:46,715
I love Barney,
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00:05:46,717 --> 00:05:48,166
but I'm not going
to jail for him.
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00:05:48,168 --> 00:05:49,551
What? Really?
Why not?
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00:05:49,553 --> 00:05:50,702
I'd go to jail for you.
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00:05:50,704 --> 00:05:52,304
No, you wouldn't.
Yes, I would.
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00:05:52,306 --> 00:05:53,505
Going to jail for
your best friend?
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00:05:53,507 --> 00:05:54,556
That's the dream.
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00:05:54,558 --> 00:05:55,707
Really?
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00:05:55,709 --> 00:05:56,975
That's the dream?
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00:05:56,977 --> 00:06:00,262
Yeah, it's the most noble--
nay, bro-ble--
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00:06:00,264 --> 00:06:01,981
thing a bro can do
for a fellow bro.
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00:06:02,006 --> 00:06:02,548
Mm-hmm.
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00:06:02,549 --> 00:06:05,067
So yes, Ted, that's the dream.
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00:06:05,069 --> 00:06:07,519
You're too liberal with the phrase
"That's the dream."
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00:06:07,521 --> 00:06:09,071
Name one other time
I've said that!
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00:06:09,073 --> 00:06:11,323
A suit made of prosciutto
so you can eat your way naked,
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00:06:11,325 --> 00:06:12,374
"That's the dream."
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00:06:12,376 --> 00:06:14,576
A pack of lions
fighting a tyrannosaurus,
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00:06:14,578 --> 00:06:15,694
"That's the dream."
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00:06:15,696 --> 00:06:16,662
Being able to take
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00:06:16,664 --> 00:06:17,913
a whole year's
worth of dumps
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00:06:17,915 --> 00:06:19,498
in one, nonstop
24-hour period
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00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:20,666
then not having
to dump again
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00:06:20,668 --> 00:06:21,616
for the rest
of the year,
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00:06:21,618 --> 00:06:22,918
"That's the dream."
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00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,403
I never said Dump Day
was the dream.
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00:06:25,405 --> 00:06:27,873
I said science is
this close to a pill.
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00:06:27,875 --> 00:06:29,908
There can only be
one "the dream"!
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00:06:29,910 --> 00:06:32,077
You're saying it's going
to jail for a bro?
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00:06:32,079 --> 00:06:33,261
You're comfortable
with that being
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00:06:33,263 --> 00:06:35,047
the one and only
dream, forever?
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00:06:35,882 --> 00:06:37,049
Yes.
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00:06:37,051 --> 00:06:39,417
Great, now you can never
use that phrase again.
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00:06:39,419 --> 00:06:41,419
And for me,
that's the dream.
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00:06:41,421 --> 00:06:43,889
Hey, Lily, Robin just
told me about Italy!
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00:06:43,891 --> 00:06:46,424
Oh, yeah, it's gonna be great.
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00:06:46,426 --> 00:06:48,860
Well, that is, if I can
convince my husband
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00:06:48,862 --> 00:06:50,729
to keep his promise
and move there with me.
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00:06:50,731 --> 00:06:52,147
Robin, I know
188
00:06:52,149 --> 00:06:53,982
you told me you want
Marshall to win,
189
00:06:53,984 --> 00:06:54,933
but I don't know.
190
00:06:54,935 --> 00:06:56,952
I gotta side
with Lily on this one.
191
00:06:56,954 --> 00:06:58,120
Later, skaters.
192
00:07:01,941 --> 00:07:04,326
Thanks again
for saving us.
193
00:07:04,328 --> 00:07:06,277
Well, I don't normally
stop like that,
194
00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:09,280
but I just had to for the cutest
hitchhiker in the world!
195
00:07:09,282 --> 00:07:11,466
Thank you.
196
00:07:11,468 --> 00:07:13,385
Oh, you were talking
about Marvin.
197
00:07:13,387 --> 00:07:16,555
(coos) Sorry, it's been
a really, really long day.
198
00:07:16,557 --> 00:07:18,340
When we get there,
I'll buy you a drink.
199
00:07:18,342 --> 00:07:21,459
Thank you,
but, um, after I drop you off,
200
00:07:21,461 --> 00:07:23,762
I'm heading back to the city.
201
00:07:23,764 --> 00:07:24,846
What?
I thought you said that
202
00:07:24,848 --> 00:07:25,897
your-your band's
playing the wedding.
203
00:07:25,899 --> 00:07:26,932
Why are you leaving?
204
00:07:26,934 --> 00:07:28,133
The lead singer.
205
00:07:28,135 --> 00:07:29,234
He's the devil.
206
00:07:29,236 --> 00:07:30,685
He's a total fire-starter.
207
00:07:30,687 --> 00:07:31,820
He just ruins
people's lives
208
00:07:31,822 --> 00:07:33,355
for his own amusement.
209
00:07:33,357 --> 00:07:35,306
You know, he will walk
up to two friends,
210
00:07:35,308 --> 00:07:37,025
he will find the one thing
211
00:07:37,027 --> 00:07:40,162
that will destroy their
friendship and just-- poof!--
212
00:07:40,164 --> 00:07:41,830
burn it to the ground.
213
00:07:41,832 --> 00:07:43,115
Wow.
214
00:07:43,117 --> 00:07:44,416
What's his name?
215
00:07:45,868 --> 00:07:47,335
What's poppin',
mi amigos?
216
00:07:47,337 --> 00:07:49,004
THE MOTHER:
Darren.
217
00:07:54,162 --> 00:07:55,885
You're rooting
for Marshall?!
218
00:07:55,886 --> 00:07:57,836
Well, why don't you just get
219
00:07:57,838 --> 00:07:59,037
a Team Marshall T-shirt?
220
00:07:59,039 --> 00:08:00,039
What size are you?
221
00:08:00,041 --> 00:08:01,073
Extra-traitor?
222
00:08:01,075 --> 00:08:02,908
No. No, okay...
223
00:08:02,910 --> 00:08:05,027
What I said was...
224
00:08:05,029 --> 00:08:06,929
See, all I meant was...
225
00:08:06,931 --> 00:08:08,263
God, how did we get here?
226
00:08:08,265 --> 00:08:10,599
That's the question
you're left asking yourself.
227
00:08:10,601 --> 00:08:12,251
So here's how
he does it:
228
00:08:12,253 --> 00:08:14,903
First, he makes you
feel like you are
229
00:08:14,905 --> 00:08:16,238
the most hilarious
230
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,557
and adorable person
in the world...
231
00:08:18,559 --> 00:08:20,075
You guys are
hilarious
232
00:08:20,077 --> 00:08:21,276
and adorable!
233
00:08:21,278 --> 00:08:22,894
TED:
I like that he gets
234
00:08:22,896 --> 00:08:24,997
how hilarious
and adorable we are.
235
00:08:24,999 --> 00:08:27,333
BARNEY:
We are hilarious and adorable.
236
00:08:27,335 --> 00:08:28,867
(laughing)
237
00:08:28,869 --> 00:08:31,069
Next, he finds some flimsy
connection with you
238
00:08:31,071 --> 00:08:32,321
based on where you're from...
239
00:08:32,323 --> 00:08:33,422
Cleveland?
Yeah.
240
00:08:33,424 --> 00:08:35,090
Galluci's serves the
241
00:08:35,092 --> 00:08:36,291
best pepperoni bread!
Best pepperoni bread!
242
00:08:36,293 --> 00:08:38,010
And Staten Island!
243
00:08:38,012 --> 00:08:40,512
Guys getting in fights
on their front lawns!
244
00:08:40,514 --> 00:08:42,348
It's like you're
from there!
245
00:08:42,350 --> 00:08:43,749
(laughing)
246
00:08:43,751 --> 00:08:45,718
TED:
This guy's awesome!
247
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,353
BARNEY:
So awesome!
248
00:08:47,355 --> 00:08:49,021
TED:
I'd totally go to jail for him.
249
00:08:49,023 --> 00:08:51,590
BARNEY:
That hurts.
250
00:08:51,592 --> 00:08:55,110
Next, he tells you
a "deep personal secret"
251
00:08:55,112 --> 00:08:56,762
that is usually
the tragic back-story
252
00:08:56,764 --> 00:08:58,063
from an animated kid's film.
253
00:08:58,065 --> 00:09:00,649
My mother died on
a hunting trip.
254
00:09:00,651 --> 00:09:02,151
It's often Bambi.
255
00:09:02,153 --> 00:09:04,570
My father was
betrayed and killed
256
00:09:04,572 --> 00:09:06,572
by a trusted advisor.
257
00:09:06,574 --> 00:09:09,291
Sometimes he'll throw a little
Lion King in there.
258
00:09:09,293 --> 00:09:11,377
I have no family.
259
00:09:11,379 --> 00:09:13,162
But tonight...
260
00:09:13,164 --> 00:09:15,113
I think maybe
I found two brothers.
261
00:09:15,115 --> 00:09:16,782
(sobs)
262
00:09:16,784 --> 00:09:18,884
Sorry, blah, too heavy.
263
00:09:18,886 --> 00:09:20,052
(crying):
That's okay, man.
264
00:09:20,054 --> 00:09:21,837
(crying):
Let me get you a drink.
265
00:09:21,839 --> 00:09:23,789
THE MOTHER: And then, once
your guard is down,
266
00:09:23,791 --> 00:09:26,625
the emotional
prostate exam begins...
267
00:09:26,627 --> 00:09:27,559
So, Ted,
268
00:09:27,561 --> 00:09:30,128
what's going on...
with you?
269
00:09:30,130 --> 00:09:33,265
Well... I mean,
there was this thing...
270
00:09:33,267 --> 00:09:34,633
Never mind.
271
00:09:34,635 --> 00:09:36,068
Hey, hey, hey...
272
00:09:36,070 --> 00:09:38,237
This is me you're talking to.
273
00:09:40,323 --> 00:09:41,973
Look, all I meant
274
00:09:41,975 --> 00:09:43,975
was that there are
two sides here.
275
00:09:43,977 --> 00:09:44,943
Yes,
276
00:09:44,945 --> 00:09:46,779
Italy is your dream,
277
00:09:46,781 --> 00:09:48,313
but being a judge is Marshall's.
278
00:09:48,315 --> 00:09:49,331
Well, that
279
00:09:49,333 --> 00:09:50,365
and teaching prop comedy
280
00:09:50,367 --> 00:09:51,366
to a tropical bird.
281
00:09:51,368 --> 00:09:53,952
Parrot Top has nothing
to do with this!
282
00:09:53,954 --> 00:09:55,871
I don't need
objectivity.
283
00:09:55,873 --> 00:09:58,874
You're my best friend,
I just need your support.
284
00:09:58,876 --> 00:10:00,542
I understand.
You got it.
285
00:10:00,544 --> 00:10:01,927
(sighs)
I'm sorry.
286
00:10:01,929 --> 00:10:02,994
Oh, me, too.
287
00:10:02,996 --> 00:10:04,346
Forgot my phone.
288
00:10:04,348 --> 00:10:06,498
I'm sorry, you guys are probably
talking wedding details.
289
00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:08,350
I mean, no maid of honor's
gonna steal the spotlight
290
00:10:08,352 --> 00:10:09,518
with her own problem
291
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:10,803
on the bride's big weekend,
am I right?
292
00:10:10,805 --> 00:10:12,521
Keep it real, homies!
293
00:10:15,775 --> 00:10:16,775
You know, he is right.
294
00:10:16,777 --> 00:10:18,610
Why is this all about you?
295
00:10:18,612 --> 00:10:19,895
I mean, you have
been preoccupied
296
00:10:19,897 --> 00:10:21,146
with Marshall all weekend.
297
00:10:21,148 --> 00:10:22,448
I have not!
298
00:10:22,450 --> 00:10:24,516
You have been sleeping
with a doll made of cushions
299
00:10:24,518 --> 00:10:25,851
that you named after him.
300
00:10:25,853 --> 00:10:27,185
Not true!
301
00:10:27,187 --> 00:10:28,237
After we do our business,
302
00:10:28,239 --> 00:10:29,905
I make Marshpillow
sleep on the couch!
303
00:10:29,907 --> 00:10:32,190
So there!
Oh, my God, that is so ridiculous!
304
00:10:32,192 --> 00:10:33,342
So, what did Darren
do to you?
305
00:10:33,344 --> 00:10:35,911
Well, a few years ago,
I started this band.
306
00:10:35,913 --> 00:10:37,496
And, you know, it was a goof--
307
00:10:37,498 --> 00:10:40,749
it was just me and a couple
of dorks from business school.
308
00:10:40,751 --> 00:10:43,368
I'm actually embarrassed
to tell you our name.
309
00:10:43,370 --> 00:10:44,837
I had an all-lawyer funk band
310
00:10:44,839 --> 00:10:47,306
called The Funk, The Whole Funk,
And Nothing But The Funk.
311
00:10:47,308 --> 00:10:49,892
Oh, I now feel very safe
talking about my band--
312
00:10:49,894 --> 00:10:51,093
Super-Freak-Onomics.
313
00:10:51,095 --> 00:10:52,978
Nice.
(laughs) Anyway,
314
00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:55,481
I brought Darren in
to split lead vocals,
315
00:10:55,483 --> 00:10:56,899
and he took over.
316
00:10:56,901 --> 00:10:58,817
You know, first
he took away my solos,
317
00:10:58,819 --> 00:11:00,519
then I got demoted
to backup vocals,
318
00:11:00,521 --> 00:11:02,771
and now the only time
I use a mic
319
00:11:02,773 --> 00:11:05,574
is after Darren's first
false exit, when I say,
320
00:11:05,576 --> 00:11:07,609
"Do you guys want more Darren?"
321
00:11:07,611 --> 00:11:08,861
And then today,
322
00:11:08,863 --> 00:11:11,780
I found this
ad online.
323
00:11:11,782 --> 00:11:14,232
"Ass player wanted"?
324
00:11:14,234 --> 00:11:15,083
Move your thumb.
325
00:11:15,085 --> 00:11:17,002
Oh, "bass player wanted."
326
00:11:17,004 --> 00:11:19,621
Wait, he was gonna kick you
out of your own band?
327
00:11:19,623 --> 00:11:20,956
Yeah.
328
00:11:20,958 --> 00:11:24,042
But instead...I quit.
329
00:11:24,044 --> 00:11:26,077
You quit?! That's it?
330
00:11:26,079 --> 00:11:28,514
But it's your band--
you must be avenged!
331
00:11:28,516 --> 00:11:30,048
(laughs):
Funny you should say that,
332
00:11:30,050 --> 00:11:33,302
because as I was leaving
the hotel, I ran into someone.
333
00:11:33,304 --> 00:11:37,139
You need to steal
this douche monkey's van.
334
00:11:37,141 --> 00:11:39,525
Aldrin Justice, nice!
335
00:11:39,527 --> 00:11:41,426
Your wife is cool.
336
00:11:41,428 --> 00:11:43,529
Oh, the coolest.
337
00:11:44,364 --> 00:11:46,097
Hey, did she, um,
happen to mention
338
00:11:46,099 --> 00:11:47,599
the fact
that I'm sort of ruining
339
00:11:47,601 --> 00:11:49,067
her dream of moving to Italy?
340
00:11:49,069 --> 00:11:51,853
Uh, yeah, that did come up.
341
00:11:51,855 --> 00:11:55,240
You need to steal
this douche monkey's van.
342
00:11:55,825 --> 00:11:57,275
And then run
343
00:11:57,277 --> 00:11:59,545
my husband over with it.
344
00:11:59,547 --> 00:12:01,997
I think you've got
a tough talk coming.
345
00:12:01,999 --> 00:12:03,465
Yeah, well, so do you.
346
00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:05,417
When we get
to the Farhampton Inn,
347
00:12:05,419 --> 00:12:07,285
you're gonna go in there and
you're gonna stand up to Darren.
348
00:12:07,287 --> 00:12:09,922
Oh, come on,
I Aldrin Justiced him.
349
00:12:09,924 --> 00:12:11,456
Yeah, but I bet
you're just gonna give
350
00:12:11,458 --> 00:12:13,258
this van right back to him.
351
00:12:13,260 --> 00:12:15,277
I mean, were you at least
gonna pee in it a little?
352
00:12:15,279 --> 00:12:19,064
I was gonna gas it up
and get it washed.
353
00:12:19,066 --> 00:12:20,766
You're too nice.
354
00:12:20,768 --> 00:12:22,401
I'm the same way.
355
00:12:22,403 --> 00:12:24,269
Sometimes you got
to get in there
356
00:12:24,271 --> 00:12:25,404
and-and stand up for yourself.
357
00:12:25,406 --> 00:12:28,323
I always cave and side
with the other person.
358
00:12:28,325 --> 00:12:30,242
I can't handle confrontation.
359
00:12:30,244 --> 00:12:31,309
Yes, you can.
360
00:12:31,311 --> 00:12:32,778
You make some good points.
361
00:12:32,780 --> 00:12:34,663
Look.
362
00:12:34,665 --> 00:12:37,599
I don't know you, but I can tell
that you're strong.
363
00:12:37,601 --> 00:12:40,002
That's your band.
364
00:12:40,004 --> 00:12:42,371
Don't let Darren steal it away.
365
00:12:43,489 --> 00:12:44,623
(sighs)
366
00:12:44,625 --> 00:12:46,592
No, there's
no defeating the devil.
367
00:12:46,594 --> 00:12:49,160
He's someone else's problem now.
368
00:12:50,063 --> 00:12:51,663
I'm sorry
if I've been
369
00:12:51,665 --> 00:12:53,015
distracted this weekend.
370
00:12:53,017 --> 00:12:55,350
Oh, let's not fight anymore,
okay?
371
00:12:55,352 --> 00:12:58,020
Oh, good, Robin,
you finally told Lily
372
00:12:58,022 --> 00:12:59,388
you feel like she's
abandoning you as a friend
373
00:12:59,390 --> 00:13:00,339
by going to Italy.
374
00:13:00,341 --> 00:13:03,392
Honesty is progress.
Stay gold.
375
00:13:04,444 --> 00:13:05,811
I'm not...
376
00:13:05,813 --> 00:13:07,279
Ooh, Ted.
(indistinct chatter)
377
00:13:07,281 --> 00:13:08,281
When you move to Chicago,
378
00:13:08,282 --> 00:13:10,866
you got to try Gazzola's pizza.
379
00:13:10,868 --> 00:13:12,183
Namaste, hermanos.
380
00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:21,524
You're moving to Chicago?
381
00:13:21,782 --> 00:13:24,432
Is that even a real place?
382
00:13:24,434 --> 00:13:25,968
It's a style of pizza.
383
00:13:25,970 --> 00:13:27,769
Ted, you can't live in a pizza.
384
00:13:27,771 --> 00:13:29,821
I got an amazing
job offer there.
385
00:13:29,823 --> 00:13:32,174
Look, Lily knows,
but Marshall and Robin don't.
386
00:13:32,176 --> 00:13:33,508
So please keep it quiet.
387
00:13:33,510 --> 00:13:36,795
(loudly):
You're moving to Chicago?!
388
00:13:36,797 --> 00:13:40,281
He-he's moving to Chicago!
389
00:13:40,283 --> 00:13:41,667
When do you move?
390
00:13:41,669 --> 00:13:44,336
At least tell me it's not
until next year or something.
391
00:13:44,338 --> 00:13:47,305
It's not until...
392
00:13:47,307 --> 00:13:48,456
Monday.
393
00:13:48,458 --> 00:13:50,759
Monday?!
394
00:13:50,761 --> 00:13:54,262
So you are just gonna disappear
the day after my wedding?
395
00:13:54,264 --> 00:13:57,065
After ten years
of being best friends?
396
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:58,669
Well, actually, Marshall's my...
Don't even think about it!
397
00:13:58,670 --> 00:13:59,459
That's fair enough.
398
00:13:59,460 --> 00:14:01,682
You are gonna give me
one day's notice?
399
00:14:02,156 --> 00:14:04,973
Well, I didn't want to upset you
on your wedding weekend.
400
00:14:04,975 --> 00:14:06,358
No, it's good.
401
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:07,492
It'll be easy to say good-bye
402
00:14:07,494 --> 00:14:09,411
now that I know how much
I mean to you.
403
00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:11,830
Well... (sighs)
404
00:14:13,666 --> 00:14:15,751
(door closes)
(footsteps approach)
405
00:14:15,753 --> 00:14:17,335
Hey.
406
00:14:17,337 --> 00:14:19,204
Hey.
407
00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:20,622
Look, I was...
408
00:14:20,624 --> 00:14:22,958
I was never really
rooting for Marshall.
409
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:26,044
I was rooting
to not lose my best friend.
410
00:14:27,046 --> 00:14:28,830
But that's selfish.
411
00:14:28,832 --> 00:14:30,465
No matter where you go,
412
00:14:30,467 --> 00:14:32,718
I'm in your corner
and I always will be.
413
00:14:33,469 --> 00:14:34,720
And to prove it...
414
00:14:39,942 --> 00:14:41,342
What are you gonna do
with Marshpillow?
415
00:14:41,344 --> 00:14:42,527
Hold his arms back
416
00:14:42,529 --> 00:14:45,013
while you beat the goose down
out of this bastard.
417
00:14:45,015 --> 00:14:47,699
Because that's
what best friends do.
418
00:14:47,701 --> 00:14:49,568
Thanks, it-it's not gonna help.
419
00:14:49,570 --> 00:14:51,153
Try it. One punch.
420
00:14:54,323 --> 00:14:56,541
Ooh, that felt good.
421
00:14:56,543 --> 00:14:57,743
Mm-hmm.
422
00:14:57,745 --> 00:14:59,027
(grunting)
Yeah, that's it, sweetheart.
423
00:14:59,029 --> 00:15:02,530
Head, body, head.
Head, body, head.
424
00:15:04,917 --> 00:15:06,885
Barney, wait, wait!
425
00:15:06,887 --> 00:15:08,303
Your friendship is
important to me.
426
00:15:08,305 --> 00:15:09,838
I swear on my mother's...
427
00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:11,206
No, I swear to God.
428
00:15:11,208 --> 00:15:12,974
No... I swear to Hef.
429
00:15:12,976 --> 00:15:15,393
(gasps)
Don't take that name in vain.
430
00:15:15,395 --> 00:15:19,181
If someone is important to you,
you tell them you're moving.
431
00:15:19,183 --> 00:15:22,651
I'm just some guy you
used to know back in New York.
432
00:15:22,653 --> 00:15:24,402
Hey.
433
00:15:27,190 --> 00:15:28,690
Whoa.
434
00:15:28,692 --> 00:15:30,192
How...?
435
00:15:37,450 --> 00:15:40,035
That's a $600 bottle.
436
00:15:40,037 --> 00:15:42,237
Ted, that's grand larceny.
437
00:15:42,239 --> 00:15:44,206
You really could go
to jail for this.
438
00:15:44,208 --> 00:15:47,292
That's the dream.
439
00:15:47,294 --> 00:15:49,795
So...
440
00:15:49,797 --> 00:15:51,563
you're moving to Chicago.
441
00:15:51,565 --> 00:15:54,082
I'm going to Chicago.
442
00:15:54,084 --> 00:15:55,884
Why? I know
Marshall and Lily might leave,
443
00:15:55,886 --> 00:15:57,752
but it's only a year,
and in the meantime,
444
00:15:57,754 --> 00:15:59,437
we'll still see each other
all the time.
445
00:15:59,439 --> 00:16:00,806
You, me, Robin...
446
00:16:03,142 --> 00:16:05,360
Oh.
447
00:16:07,596 --> 00:16:09,781
I need a new start.
448
00:16:11,450 --> 00:16:13,268
I'm gonna miss you.
449
00:16:13,270 --> 00:16:15,287
I'm gonna miss you so much.
450
00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:20,992
Well, here we are.
451
00:16:20,994 --> 00:16:22,127
Good luck in there.
452
00:16:22,129 --> 00:16:23,328
Thank you.
453
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:24,946
And don't worry,
454
00:16:24,948 --> 00:16:26,248
at the reception, I'll yell,
455
00:16:26,250 --> 00:16:28,500
"The lead singer
sucks skunk junk,"
456
00:16:28,502 --> 00:16:29,801
after every song.
457
00:16:29,803 --> 00:16:30,836
(laughing)
458
00:16:30,838 --> 00:16:31,786
I'll come up with something
459
00:16:31,788 --> 00:16:33,421
better than "skunk junk."
460
00:16:33,423 --> 00:16:34,389
No, no.
461
00:16:34,391 --> 00:16:36,775
"Skunk junk" is pretty solid.
462
00:16:38,227 --> 00:16:41,146
You can't yell that
at the lead singer.
463
00:16:41,148 --> 00:16:44,482
Because I don't suck skunk junk.
464
00:16:44,484 --> 00:16:46,184
Wait, are you saying...?
465
00:16:46,186 --> 00:16:48,687
I'm coming in. Darren and I
are gonna have a chat
466
00:16:48,689 --> 00:16:50,572
about my band!
467
00:16:50,574 --> 00:16:52,023
(whoops)
468
00:16:52,025 --> 00:16:54,276
MARVIN:
Skunk junk.
469
00:16:56,362 --> 00:17:00,332
For the record...
Uh-huh.
470
00:17:00,334 --> 00:17:02,284
his first word
471
00:17:02,286 --> 00:17:04,035
was "Mommy."
472
00:17:04,037 --> 00:17:05,237
Mm-hmm.
473
00:17:05,239 --> 00:17:08,089
This is my band. I started it.
474
00:17:08,091 --> 00:17:11,877
And if anyone is getting
fired here, it's you, Darren.
475
00:17:11,879 --> 00:17:13,345
So hit the bricks,
476
00:17:13,347 --> 00:17:15,096
s-skunk...
477
00:17:15,098 --> 00:17:16,932
junk.
478
00:17:16,934 --> 00:17:19,284
Is that even
a little bit intimidating?
479
00:17:19,286 --> 00:17:21,603
Nope, and the
knitting's not helping.
480
00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:24,606
I'm sorry, I just met this baby
and he needs a hat.
481
00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:26,608
What... (stammers)
You can't fire Darren.
482
00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:29,611
He gets how hilarious
and adorable I am.
483
00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:31,980
Plus it is so inspiring
484
00:17:31,982 --> 00:17:35,734
how he overcame his mother
being eaten by a barracuda.
485
00:17:35,736 --> 00:17:37,786
Gah! It's Finding Nemo.
486
00:17:37,788 --> 00:17:39,087
(sighs)
487
00:17:39,089 --> 00:17:40,372
That's new.
488
00:17:41,457 --> 00:17:44,292
There's no defeating the devil.
489
00:17:44,294 --> 00:17:46,361
New plan.
Linus, if at any point
490
00:17:46,363 --> 00:17:48,363
tonight you see me
with an empty glass...
491
00:17:48,365 --> 00:17:49,530
Kennedy package.
492
00:17:49,532 --> 00:17:51,249
It very popular choice
this weekend.
493
00:17:51,251 --> 00:17:53,134
Thank you, Linus.
494
00:17:53,136 --> 00:17:55,370
(grunting)
Yup.
495
00:17:56,422 --> 00:17:59,140
Uh, Lily?
496
00:17:59,142 --> 00:18:01,209
Lily.
497
00:18:01,211 --> 00:18:02,811
MARSHALL:
Lily.
498
00:18:15,041 --> 00:18:16,908
Pause?
499
00:18:16,910 --> 00:18:19,244
Pause.
500
00:18:21,948 --> 00:18:24,165
Hi.
501
00:18:29,038 --> 00:18:30,405
Thank you, Linus.
502
00:18:30,407 --> 00:18:32,290
Mm-hmm.
503
00:18:32,292 --> 00:18:34,909
There are real villains
in this world.
504
00:18:34,911 --> 00:18:38,847
But they don't always get
real justice, do they?
505
00:18:38,849 --> 00:18:41,483
You want to believe
karma's gonna get them.
506
00:18:41,485 --> 00:18:42,917
All right, who wants a drink?
507
00:18:42,919 --> 00:18:43,969
I'm stealing.
508
00:18:43,971 --> 00:18:45,920
(all cheer)
509
00:18:45,922 --> 00:18:48,523
But karma doesn't
510
00:18:48,525 --> 00:18:50,108
always come through.
511
00:18:50,110 --> 00:18:51,977
I love how strong
your marriage is.
512
00:18:51,979 --> 00:18:53,478
And you don't need
to lose weight, Louise,
513
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,096
no matter what he told me.
514
00:18:55,098 --> 00:18:57,198
Catch you on the flip-flop,
muchachos.
515
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,067
Oh!
(groans)
516
00:18:59,069 --> 00:19:00,235
(short laugh)
517
00:19:00,237 --> 00:19:02,070
Sorry, mi amigos.
518
00:19:02,072 --> 00:19:05,440
I guess you have to accept
that sometimes in life...
519
00:19:06,659 --> 00:19:08,910
...you just don't get that
knockout punch.
520
00:19:08,912 --> 00:19:09,944
(loud punch)
521
00:19:09,946 --> 00:19:12,831
(loud grunt)
522
00:19:15,584 --> 00:19:17,335
(all laughing)
523
00:19:17,337 --> 00:19:18,786
Hey, can I get some ice?
524
00:19:18,788 --> 00:19:21,473
The best man just punched me
in the face for no reason.
525
00:19:21,475 --> 00:19:22,457
(laughs)
526
00:19:22,459 --> 00:19:24,426
Oh, what, that's funny to you?
527
00:19:24,428 --> 00:19:25,626
You know what? I quit.
528
00:19:25,628 --> 00:19:27,445
You can have
your stupid band back.
529
00:19:27,447 --> 00:19:31,516
I miss being in a band where
people are decent to each other
530
00:19:31,518 --> 00:19:33,068
and there's no drama.
531
00:19:33,070 --> 00:19:35,320
I'm going back
to the new Guns N' Roses.
532
00:19:37,690 --> 00:19:39,640
Linus, whoever that best man is,
533
00:19:39,642 --> 00:19:42,911
I would like to buy him a double
of your finest scotch.
534
00:19:42,913 --> 00:19:45,480
♪ You started a band
535
00:19:45,482 --> 00:19:48,483
♪ That was cool for a while
536
00:19:48,485 --> 00:19:50,969
♪ But it turned pretty bland
537
00:19:50,971 --> 00:19:54,422
♪ I started a fight
538
00:19:54,424 --> 00:19:56,674
♪ With a neighbor next door
539
00:19:56,676 --> 00:19:59,344
♪ And his pesky wife...
540
00:19:59,346 --> 00:20:01,046
Here you go.
541
00:20:01,048 --> 00:20:02,997
Is this from one of you guys?
542
00:20:02,999 --> 00:20:04,682
Nah.
Uh-uh. No.
543
00:20:04,684 --> 00:20:06,351
Okay.
544
00:20:06,353 --> 00:20:08,269
♪ And hate even more
when you're not ♪
545
00:20:08,271 --> 00:20:09,687
Well... this is incredible.
546
00:20:09,689 --> 00:20:10,671
What is this?
547
00:20:10,673 --> 00:20:12,840
It's the Glen McKenna 35-year.
548
00:20:12,842 --> 00:20:14,809
Wait a minute.
549
00:20:14,811 --> 00:20:17,178
This whole time, you had
Glen McKenna 35-year?
550
00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:18,613
Why didn't you say something?
551
00:20:18,615 --> 00:20:20,348
You didn't ask about the 35.
552
00:20:20,350 --> 00:20:22,682
NARRATOR: And, kids,
that's the first drink
553
00:20:22,683 --> 00:20:24,016
your mother ever bought me.
554
00:20:24,018 --> 00:20:29,018
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
555
00:20:31,305 --> 00:20:34,882
Hey, Barney, I'm so sorry
I missed your rehearsal dinner.
556
00:20:35,258 --> 00:20:36,824
Oh, that's okay.
557
00:20:36,826 --> 00:20:40,261
We didn't even know
you weren't here, jerk.
558
00:20:40,263 --> 00:20:42,180
Listen, I know that I can't
make up for being late,
559
00:20:42,182 --> 00:20:44,132
but I did get you
a-a special gift.
560
00:20:44,134 --> 00:20:46,051
Well, hand it over, fathead.
561
00:20:46,053 --> 00:20:48,103
Well, you might want to wait
until after the wedding photos.
562
00:20:48,105 --> 00:20:50,722
Hand it over now, travel breath.
563
00:20:50,724 --> 00:20:52,974
Okay, Barney, I'll hand it over.
564
00:20:53,842 --> 00:20:55,193
Oh, God, it's the fourth slap!
565
00:20:55,195 --> 00:20:56,811
I don't know why
I was so obnoxious.