1 00:00:01,677 --> 00:00:04,379 NARRATOR: Kids, when your Uncle Marshall's bus broke down 2 00:00:04,380 --> 00:00:06,660 five miles away from the Farhampton Inn, 3 00:00:06,661 --> 00:00:07,993 he made a vow. 4 00:00:07,995 --> 00:00:10,012 I can walk that far. 5 00:00:10,014 --> 00:00:13,699 Yes. It was another exciting installment of... 6 00:00:13,701 --> 00:00:19,955 MARSHALL: ♪ Marshall versus the machines 7 00:00:19,957 --> 00:00:22,207 ♪ Our hero starts his journey 8 00:00:22,209 --> 00:00:24,593 ♪ With steely-eyed resolve, but let's ♪ 9 00:00:24,595 --> 00:00:26,712 ♪ Skip ahead to later 10 00:00:26,714 --> 00:00:28,697 ♪ With a slow dissolve 11 00:00:28,699 --> 00:00:31,650 ♪ So tired, dehydrated 12 00:00:31,652 --> 00:00:34,553 ♪ Not making any sense 13 00:00:34,555 --> 00:00:37,740 ♪ But wait a second, why is Bigfoot ♪ 14 00:00:37,742 --> 00:00:39,858 ♪ Standing by that fence? 15 00:00:39,860 --> 00:00:41,026 Oh. Hey. 16 00:00:41,028 --> 00:00:42,828 You didn't see this. 17 00:00:42,830 --> 00:00:45,948 ♪ I'm not hallucinating 18 00:00:45,950 --> 00:00:48,233 ♪ Bigfoot really exists 19 00:00:48,235 --> 00:00:52,070 ♪ But everyone knows he quit smoking years ago ♪ 20 00:00:52,072 --> 00:00:54,906 MARSHALL: Oh, crap. I'm losing it. 21 00:00:54,908 --> 00:00:57,409 (vehicle approaching) 22 00:00:58,595 --> 00:01:01,680 (horn honks) WOMAN: Excuse me. Hey. 23 00:01:01,682 --> 00:01:03,248 You guys need a lift? 24 00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:06,185 NARRATOR: And that's how Marshall met your mother. 25 00:01:06,210 --> 00:01:10,210 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x13 ♪ Bass Player Wanted Original Air Date on December 16, 2013 26 00:01:10,235 --> 00:01:15,235 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 27 00:01:19,866 --> 00:01:22,284 This is great. The whole gang together. 28 00:01:22,286 --> 00:01:24,987 Well, almost the whole gang. 29 00:01:24,989 --> 00:01:28,073 Yeah, there's just one beloved piece of the puzzle missing. 30 00:01:30,410 --> 00:01:32,628 That bottle of 30-year Glen McKenna scotch. 31 00:01:32,630 --> 00:01:34,329 Mmm... (slurping) 32 00:01:34,331 --> 00:01:35,714 NARRATOR: So far, that weekend 33 00:01:35,716 --> 00:01:38,634 had been fatal for not just one... 34 00:01:38,636 --> 00:01:40,586 but two bottles of $600 scotch 35 00:01:40,588 --> 00:01:43,589 intended for a special wedding toast. 36 00:01:43,591 --> 00:01:45,557 Also, where the hell is Marshall? 37 00:01:45,559 --> 00:01:49,294 I still can't believe he took the judgeship behind my back. 38 00:01:49,296 --> 00:01:52,931 Look, I know this is messy, my dream versus Marshall's dream. 39 00:01:52,933 --> 00:01:55,217 I won't force you guys to choose sides. 40 00:01:55,219 --> 00:01:57,236 Good, because I totally side with Marshall. 41 00:01:57,238 --> 00:01:59,855 That would've been so awkward. 42 00:01:59,857 --> 00:02:02,157 Hey, let's go see if they have any Glen McKenna up at the bar. 43 00:02:02,159 --> 00:02:03,475 Okay. 44 00:02:03,477 --> 00:02:05,077 Hey, look, don't be mad. 45 00:02:05,079 --> 00:02:06,745 Barney just thinks that if he has a judge friend, 46 00:02:06,747 --> 00:02:10,115 he can get all of his citations for public urination thrown out. 47 00:02:10,117 --> 00:02:12,334 How often does Barney pee in public? 48 00:02:12,336 --> 00:02:14,787 A lot. 49 00:02:14,789 --> 00:02:16,338 But don't worry. 50 00:02:16,340 --> 00:02:17,623 I'm on your side. 51 00:02:17,625 --> 00:02:18,757 Aw... (chuckles) 52 00:02:18,759 --> 00:02:21,260 What's poppin', mi amigas? 53 00:02:21,262 --> 00:02:23,829 ROBIN: Oh, boy, who's this idiot? 54 00:02:23,831 --> 00:02:27,833 LILY: And which one of us is he gonna try to make the sex on? 55 00:02:27,835 --> 00:02:29,718 You both look beautiful tonight. 56 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:32,020 ROBIN: Bro, going for the tricycle. 57 00:02:32,022 --> 00:02:36,341 (scoffs) Can you imagine having a three-way with this creep? 58 00:02:36,343 --> 00:02:37,676 (chuckles) Yeah, right. 59 00:02:37,678 --> 00:02:39,344 You, me and this guy, 60 00:02:39,346 --> 00:02:41,230 naked, going at it. 61 00:02:41,232 --> 00:02:44,817 Then he gets tired and it's just you and me going at it. 62 00:02:44,819 --> 00:02:47,069 ROBIN: Uh, Lily... That'd be so stupid. 63 00:02:47,071 --> 00:02:50,155 So stupid... 64 00:02:50,157 --> 00:02:52,357 ROBIN: Um, okay, I'll shoot him down. 65 00:02:52,359 --> 00:02:55,661 By the way, I am so psyched for the wedding tomorrow, Robin. 66 00:02:55,663 --> 00:02:57,496 I'm truly honored that you and Barney 67 00:02:57,498 --> 00:02:58,831 asked me to be a part of it. 68 00:02:58,833 --> 00:03:01,300 We're honored... 69 00:03:01,302 --> 00:03:03,034 you're here... 70 00:03:03,970 --> 00:03:06,054 ...valued invitee. (chuckles) 71 00:03:06,056 --> 00:03:06,972 (chuckles) 72 00:03:06,974 --> 00:03:08,724 ROBIN: Help me. Who is this? 73 00:03:08,726 --> 00:03:11,844 LILY: Maybe he's one of your long-lost Canadian cousins? 74 00:03:11,846 --> 00:03:15,647 Uh, do you happen to have all of your fingers and teeth? 75 00:03:15,649 --> 00:03:18,150 Uh... yeah. (chuckles) 76 00:03:18,152 --> 00:03:20,051 ROBIN: Not one of my cousins. 77 00:03:21,154 --> 00:03:23,405 Hey, thanks again for picking us up. 78 00:03:23,407 --> 00:03:25,324 It's been a crazy couple of days. 79 00:03:25,326 --> 00:03:27,192 You can't imagine what we've been through. 80 00:03:27,194 --> 00:03:28,327 Wait, let me guess. 81 00:03:28,329 --> 00:03:31,330 You were visiting a relative, 82 00:03:31,332 --> 00:03:33,182 maybe... your mother? 83 00:03:33,184 --> 00:03:34,283 And I'm getting 84 00:03:34,285 --> 00:03:35,734 a Midwest vibe, 85 00:03:35,736 --> 00:03:37,436 somewhere like... Wisconsin... 86 00:03:37,438 --> 00:03:38,754 (scoffs) ...no, Minnesota? 87 00:03:38,756 --> 00:03:40,322 Wow. 88 00:03:40,324 --> 00:03:42,374 You're-you're, like, really good at this. 89 00:03:42,376 --> 00:03:45,076 You're planning an overseas trip with your wife. 90 00:03:45,078 --> 00:03:47,045 I'm seeing a... 91 00:03:47,047 --> 00:03:49,247 a feisty redhead who loves art. 92 00:03:49,249 --> 00:03:50,265 She just got a job 93 00:03:50,267 --> 00:03:51,683 in Europe, maybe France? 94 00:03:51,685 --> 00:03:53,084 No. Italy? 95 00:03:53,086 --> 00:03:54,686 (gasps) 96 00:03:54,688 --> 00:03:57,189 Total shot in the dark, but... 97 00:03:57,191 --> 00:03:58,390 Rome? 98 00:04:00,944 --> 00:04:03,195 Maybe I'll just, like... 99 00:04:03,197 --> 00:04:04,429 I'll get out right here. (doors lock) 100 00:04:04,431 --> 00:04:07,616 You're not going anywhere. 101 00:04:09,052 --> 00:04:10,402 No, I'm just messin' with ya. 102 00:04:10,404 --> 00:04:11,870 I rode the train with your wife. 103 00:04:11,872 --> 00:04:13,372 She told me all about you. 104 00:04:13,374 --> 00:04:14,573 You must be Marshall. 105 00:04:19,295 --> 00:04:20,796 Um... 106 00:04:20,798 --> 00:04:22,164 I was checking on the baby. 107 00:04:22,166 --> 00:04:23,632 (laughs) 108 00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,450 (laughing): Wait-wait a minute, wait a minute. 109 00:04:25,452 --> 00:04:27,386 So you guys both got locked out 110 00:04:27,388 --> 00:04:29,555 on the roof in your pajamas? 111 00:04:29,557 --> 00:04:33,291 You guys are hilarious and adorable! 112 00:04:33,293 --> 00:04:35,293 LILY: Any idea who this guy is? 113 00:04:35,295 --> 00:04:37,145 ROBIN: No, but I like that he gets 114 00:04:37,147 --> 00:04:39,565 how hilarious and adorable we are! 115 00:04:39,567 --> 00:04:41,733 LILY: We are hilarious and adorable! 116 00:04:41,735 --> 00:04:43,485 (laughs) I'll get the next round. 117 00:04:43,487 --> 00:04:44,903 Oh, thanks. 118 00:04:44,905 --> 00:04:46,271 Thanks, Lil. 119 00:04:46,273 --> 00:04:49,741 Hey, I'm sorry if I barged in on you guys. 120 00:04:49,743 --> 00:04:51,276 I can be a little overeager 121 00:04:51,278 --> 00:04:53,278 to connect sometimes. 122 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:55,280 Probably because of my childhood. 123 00:04:55,282 --> 00:04:56,698 Right. 124 00:04:56,700 --> 00:04:59,084 Because of that thing that happened. 125 00:04:59,086 --> 00:05:00,819 My mother died on a hunting trip 126 00:05:00,821 --> 00:05:02,988 when I was very young. 127 00:05:02,990 --> 00:05:05,374 Yeah, that's it, that's the thing. 128 00:05:05,376 --> 00:05:07,376 Sorry, blah, too heavy! 129 00:05:07,378 --> 00:05:08,377 (chuckles) 130 00:05:08,379 --> 00:05:09,378 So, Robin. 131 00:05:09,380 --> 00:05:10,712 What's going on... 132 00:05:10,714 --> 00:05:12,264 with you? 133 00:05:12,266 --> 00:05:13,799 Oh, nothing. 134 00:05:13,801 --> 00:05:15,634 I mean, uh, nothing big, anyway. 135 00:05:15,636 --> 00:05:17,019 Hey, hey, hey... 136 00:05:17,021 --> 00:05:19,504 this is me you're talking to. 137 00:05:20,673 --> 00:05:23,025 Well, there is this thing with Lily... 138 00:05:23,027 --> 00:05:24,559 You know, Ted, 139 00:05:24,561 --> 00:05:26,278 if you really want to get a bottle 140 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:28,196 of Glen McKenna 30-year for Barney, 141 00:05:28,198 --> 00:05:30,849 I got that last one at the Farhampton Liquor Store. 142 00:05:30,851 --> 00:05:33,118 The security there is a total joke! 143 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,120 No, see, I don't want to know that. 144 00:05:35,122 --> 00:05:37,623 I won't be an accomplice to grand larceny. 145 00:05:37,625 --> 00:05:40,191 I am not confirming or denying a thing. 146 00:05:40,193 --> 00:05:42,210 But there's a really high window in the storage room 147 00:05:42,212 --> 00:05:43,528 and if you climb up... 148 00:05:43,530 --> 00:05:45,414 La la la la la, I'm not listening! 149 00:05:45,416 --> 00:05:46,715 I love Barney, 150 00:05:46,717 --> 00:05:48,166 but I'm not going to jail for him. 151 00:05:48,168 --> 00:05:49,551 What? Really? Why not? 152 00:05:49,553 --> 00:05:50,702 I'd go to jail for you. 153 00:05:50,704 --> 00:05:52,304 No, you wouldn't. Yes, I would. 154 00:05:52,306 --> 00:05:53,505 Going to jail for your best friend? 155 00:05:53,507 --> 00:05:54,556 That's the dream. 156 00:05:54,558 --> 00:05:55,707 Really? 157 00:05:55,709 --> 00:05:56,975 That's the dream? 158 00:05:56,977 --> 00:06:00,262 Yeah, it's the most noble-- nay, bro-ble-- 159 00:06:00,264 --> 00:06:01,981 thing a bro can do for a fellow bro. 160 00:06:02,006 --> 00:06:02,548 Mm-hmm. 161 00:06:02,549 --> 00:06:05,067 So yes, Ted, that's the dream. 162 00:06:05,069 --> 00:06:07,519 You're too liberal with the phrase "That's the dream." 163 00:06:07,521 --> 00:06:09,071 Name one other time I've said that! 164 00:06:09,073 --> 00:06:11,323 A suit made of prosciutto so you can eat your way naked, 165 00:06:11,325 --> 00:06:12,374 "That's the dream." 166 00:06:12,376 --> 00:06:14,576 A pack of lions fighting a tyrannosaurus, 167 00:06:14,578 --> 00:06:15,694 "That's the dream." 168 00:06:15,696 --> 00:06:16,662 Being able to take 169 00:06:16,664 --> 00:06:17,913 a whole year's worth of dumps 170 00:06:17,915 --> 00:06:19,498 in one, nonstop 24-hour period 171 00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:20,666 then not having to dump again 172 00:06:20,668 --> 00:06:21,616 for the rest of the year, 173 00:06:21,618 --> 00:06:22,918 "That's the dream." 174 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:25,403 I never said Dump Day was the dream. 175 00:06:25,405 --> 00:06:27,873 I said science is this close to a pill. 176 00:06:27,875 --> 00:06:29,908 There can only be one "the dream"! 177 00:06:29,910 --> 00:06:32,077 You're saying it's going to jail for a bro? 178 00:06:32,079 --> 00:06:33,261 You're comfortable with that being 179 00:06:33,263 --> 00:06:35,047 the one and only dream, forever? 180 00:06:35,882 --> 00:06:37,049 Yes. 181 00:06:37,051 --> 00:06:39,417 Great, now you can never use that phrase again. 182 00:06:39,419 --> 00:06:41,419 And for me, that's the dream. 183 00:06:41,421 --> 00:06:43,889 Hey, Lily, Robin just told me about Italy! 184 00:06:43,891 --> 00:06:46,424 Oh, yeah, it's gonna be great. 185 00:06:46,426 --> 00:06:48,860 Well, that is, if I can convince my husband 186 00:06:48,862 --> 00:06:50,729 to keep his promise and move there with me. 187 00:06:50,731 --> 00:06:52,147 Robin, I know 188 00:06:52,149 --> 00:06:53,982 you told me you want Marshall to win, 189 00:06:53,984 --> 00:06:54,933 but I don't know. 190 00:06:54,935 --> 00:06:56,952 I gotta side with Lily on this one. 191 00:06:56,954 --> 00:06:58,120 Later, skaters. 192 00:07:01,941 --> 00:07:04,326 Thanks again for saving us. 193 00:07:04,328 --> 00:07:06,277 Well, I don't normally stop like that, 194 00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:09,280 but I just had to for the cutest hitchhiker in the world! 195 00:07:09,282 --> 00:07:11,466 Thank you. 196 00:07:11,468 --> 00:07:13,385 Oh, you were talking about Marvin. 197 00:07:13,387 --> 00:07:16,555 (coos) Sorry, it's been a really, really long day. 198 00:07:16,557 --> 00:07:18,340 When we get there, I'll buy you a drink. 199 00:07:18,342 --> 00:07:21,459 Thank you, but, um, after I drop you off, 200 00:07:21,461 --> 00:07:23,762 I'm heading back to the city. 201 00:07:23,764 --> 00:07:24,846 What? I thought you said that 202 00:07:24,848 --> 00:07:25,897 your-your band's playing the wedding. 203 00:07:25,899 --> 00:07:26,932 Why are you leaving? 204 00:07:26,934 --> 00:07:28,133 The lead singer. 205 00:07:28,135 --> 00:07:29,234 He's the devil. 206 00:07:29,236 --> 00:07:30,685 He's a total fire-starter. 207 00:07:30,687 --> 00:07:31,820 He just ruins people's lives 208 00:07:31,822 --> 00:07:33,355 for his own amusement. 209 00:07:33,357 --> 00:07:35,306 You know, he will walk up to two friends, 210 00:07:35,308 --> 00:07:37,025 he will find the one thing 211 00:07:37,027 --> 00:07:40,162 that will destroy their friendship and just-- poof!-- 212 00:07:40,164 --> 00:07:41,830 burn it to the ground. 213 00:07:41,832 --> 00:07:43,115 Wow. 214 00:07:43,117 --> 00:07:44,416 What's his name? 215 00:07:45,868 --> 00:07:47,335 What's poppin', mi amigos? 216 00:07:47,337 --> 00:07:49,004 THE MOTHER: Darren. 217 00:07:54,162 --> 00:07:55,885 You're rooting for Marshall?! 218 00:07:55,886 --> 00:07:57,836 Well, why don't you just get 219 00:07:57,838 --> 00:07:59,037 a Team Marshall T-shirt? 220 00:07:59,039 --> 00:08:00,039 What size are you? 221 00:08:00,041 --> 00:08:01,073 Extra-traitor? 222 00:08:01,075 --> 00:08:02,908 No. No, okay... 223 00:08:02,910 --> 00:08:05,027 What I said was... 224 00:08:05,029 --> 00:08:06,929 See, all I meant was... 225 00:08:06,931 --> 00:08:08,263 God, how did we get here? 226 00:08:08,265 --> 00:08:10,599 That's the question you're left asking yourself. 227 00:08:10,601 --> 00:08:12,251 So here's how he does it: 228 00:08:12,253 --> 00:08:14,903 First, he makes you feel like you are 229 00:08:14,905 --> 00:08:16,238 the most hilarious 230 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,557 and adorable person in the world... 231 00:08:18,559 --> 00:08:20,075 You guys are hilarious 232 00:08:20,077 --> 00:08:21,276 and adorable! 233 00:08:21,278 --> 00:08:22,894 TED: I like that he gets 234 00:08:22,896 --> 00:08:24,997 how hilarious and adorable we are. 235 00:08:24,999 --> 00:08:27,333 BARNEY: We are hilarious and adorable. 236 00:08:27,335 --> 00:08:28,867 (laughing) 237 00:08:28,869 --> 00:08:31,069 Next, he finds some flimsy connection with you 238 00:08:31,071 --> 00:08:32,321 based on where you're from... 239 00:08:32,323 --> 00:08:33,422 Cleveland? Yeah. 240 00:08:33,424 --> 00:08:35,090 Galluci's serves the 241 00:08:35,092 --> 00:08:36,291 best pepperoni bread! Best pepperoni bread! 242 00:08:36,293 --> 00:08:38,010 And Staten Island! 243 00:08:38,012 --> 00:08:40,512 Guys getting in fights on their front lawns! 244 00:08:40,514 --> 00:08:42,348 It's like you're from there! 245 00:08:42,350 --> 00:08:43,749 (laughing) 246 00:08:43,751 --> 00:08:45,718 TED: This guy's awesome! 247 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,353 BARNEY: So awesome! 248 00:08:47,355 --> 00:08:49,021 TED: I'd totally go to jail for him. 249 00:08:49,023 --> 00:08:51,590 BARNEY: That hurts. 250 00:08:51,592 --> 00:08:55,110 Next, he tells you a "deep personal secret" 251 00:08:55,112 --> 00:08:56,762 that is usually the tragic back-story 252 00:08:56,764 --> 00:08:58,063 from an animated kid's film. 253 00:08:58,065 --> 00:09:00,649 My mother died on a hunting trip. 254 00:09:00,651 --> 00:09:02,151 It's often Bambi. 255 00:09:02,153 --> 00:09:04,570 My father was betrayed and killed 256 00:09:04,572 --> 00:09:06,572 by a trusted advisor. 257 00:09:06,574 --> 00:09:09,291 Sometimes he'll throw a little Lion King in there. 258 00:09:09,293 --> 00:09:11,377 I have no family. 259 00:09:11,379 --> 00:09:13,162 But tonight... 260 00:09:13,164 --> 00:09:15,113 I think maybe I found two brothers. 261 00:09:15,115 --> 00:09:16,782 (sobs) 262 00:09:16,784 --> 00:09:18,884 Sorry, blah, too heavy. 263 00:09:18,886 --> 00:09:20,052 (crying): That's okay, man. 264 00:09:20,054 --> 00:09:21,837 (crying): Let me get you a drink. 265 00:09:21,839 --> 00:09:23,789 THE MOTHER: And then, once your guard is down, 266 00:09:23,791 --> 00:09:26,625 the emotional prostate exam begins... 267 00:09:26,627 --> 00:09:27,559 So, Ted, 268 00:09:27,561 --> 00:09:30,128 what's going on... with you? 269 00:09:30,130 --> 00:09:33,265 Well... I mean, there was this thing... 270 00:09:33,267 --> 00:09:34,633 Never mind. 271 00:09:34,635 --> 00:09:36,068 Hey, hey, hey... 272 00:09:36,070 --> 00:09:38,237 This is me you're talking to. 273 00:09:40,323 --> 00:09:41,973 Look, all I meant 274 00:09:41,975 --> 00:09:43,975 was that there are two sides here. 275 00:09:43,977 --> 00:09:44,943 Yes, 276 00:09:44,945 --> 00:09:46,779 Italy is your dream, 277 00:09:46,781 --> 00:09:48,313 but being a judge is Marshall's. 278 00:09:48,315 --> 00:09:49,331 Well, that 279 00:09:49,333 --> 00:09:50,365 and teaching prop comedy 280 00:09:50,367 --> 00:09:51,366 to a tropical bird. 281 00:09:51,368 --> 00:09:53,952 Parrot Top has nothing to do with this! 282 00:09:53,954 --> 00:09:55,871 I don't need objectivity. 283 00:09:55,873 --> 00:09:58,874 You're my best friend, I just need your support. 284 00:09:58,876 --> 00:10:00,542 I understand. You got it. 285 00:10:00,544 --> 00:10:01,927 (sighs) I'm sorry. 286 00:10:01,929 --> 00:10:02,994 Oh, me, too. 287 00:10:02,996 --> 00:10:04,346 Forgot my phone. 288 00:10:04,348 --> 00:10:06,498 I'm sorry, you guys are probably talking wedding details. 289 00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:08,350 I mean, no maid of honor's gonna steal the spotlight 290 00:10:08,352 --> 00:10:09,518 with her own problem 291 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:10,803 on the bride's big weekend, am I right? 292 00:10:10,805 --> 00:10:12,521 Keep it real, homies! 293 00:10:15,775 --> 00:10:16,775 You know, he is right. 294 00:10:16,777 --> 00:10:18,610 Why is this all about you? 295 00:10:18,612 --> 00:10:19,895 I mean, you have been preoccupied 296 00:10:19,897 --> 00:10:21,146 with Marshall all weekend. 297 00:10:21,148 --> 00:10:22,448 I have not! 298 00:10:22,450 --> 00:10:24,516 You have been sleeping with a doll made of cushions 299 00:10:24,518 --> 00:10:25,851 that you named after him. 300 00:10:25,853 --> 00:10:27,185 Not true! 301 00:10:27,187 --> 00:10:28,237 After we do our business, 302 00:10:28,239 --> 00:10:29,905 I make Marshpillow sleep on the couch! 303 00:10:29,907 --> 00:10:32,190 So there! Oh, my God, that is so ridiculous! 304 00:10:32,192 --> 00:10:33,342 So, what did Darren do to you? 305 00:10:33,344 --> 00:10:35,911 Well, a few years ago, I started this band. 306 00:10:35,913 --> 00:10:37,496 And, you know, it was a goof-- 307 00:10:37,498 --> 00:10:40,749 it was just me and a couple of dorks from business school. 308 00:10:40,751 --> 00:10:43,368 I'm actually embarrassed to tell you our name. 309 00:10:43,370 --> 00:10:44,837 I had an all-lawyer funk band 310 00:10:44,839 --> 00:10:47,306 called The Funk, The Whole Funk, And Nothing But The Funk. 311 00:10:47,308 --> 00:10:49,892 Oh, I now feel very safe talking about my band-- 312 00:10:49,894 --> 00:10:51,093 Super-Freak-Onomics. 313 00:10:51,095 --> 00:10:52,978 Nice. (laughs) Anyway, 314 00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:55,481 I brought Darren in to split lead vocals, 315 00:10:55,483 --> 00:10:56,899 and he took over. 316 00:10:56,901 --> 00:10:58,817 You know, first he took away my solos, 317 00:10:58,819 --> 00:11:00,519 then I got demoted to backup vocals, 318 00:11:00,521 --> 00:11:02,771 and now the only time I use a mic 319 00:11:02,773 --> 00:11:05,574 is after Darren's first false exit, when I say, 320 00:11:05,576 --> 00:11:07,609 "Do you guys want more Darren?" 321 00:11:07,611 --> 00:11:08,861 And then today, 322 00:11:08,863 --> 00:11:11,780 I found this ad online. 323 00:11:11,782 --> 00:11:14,232 "Ass player wanted"? 324 00:11:14,234 --> 00:11:15,083 Move your thumb. 325 00:11:15,085 --> 00:11:17,002 Oh, "bass player wanted." 326 00:11:17,004 --> 00:11:19,621 Wait, he was gonna kick you out of your own band? 327 00:11:19,623 --> 00:11:20,956 Yeah. 328 00:11:20,958 --> 00:11:24,042 But instead...I quit. 329 00:11:24,044 --> 00:11:26,077 You quit?! That's it? 330 00:11:26,079 --> 00:11:28,514 But it's your band-- you must be avenged! 331 00:11:28,516 --> 00:11:30,048 (laughs): Funny you should say that, 332 00:11:30,050 --> 00:11:33,302 because as I was leaving the hotel, I ran into someone. 333 00:11:33,304 --> 00:11:37,139 You need to steal this douche monkey's van. 334 00:11:37,141 --> 00:11:39,525 Aldrin Justice, nice! 335 00:11:39,527 --> 00:11:41,426 Your wife is cool. 336 00:11:41,428 --> 00:11:43,529 Oh, the coolest. 337 00:11:44,364 --> 00:11:46,097 Hey, did she, um, happen to mention 338 00:11:46,099 --> 00:11:47,599 the fact that I'm sort of ruining 339 00:11:47,601 --> 00:11:49,067 her dream of moving to Italy? 340 00:11:49,069 --> 00:11:51,853 Uh, yeah, that did come up. 341 00:11:51,855 --> 00:11:55,240 You need to steal this douche monkey's van. 342 00:11:55,825 --> 00:11:57,275 And then run 343 00:11:57,277 --> 00:11:59,545 my husband over with it. 344 00:11:59,547 --> 00:12:01,997 I think you've got a tough talk coming. 345 00:12:01,999 --> 00:12:03,465 Yeah, well, so do you. 346 00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:05,417 When we get to the Farhampton Inn, 347 00:12:05,419 --> 00:12:07,285 you're gonna go in there and you're gonna stand up to Darren. 348 00:12:07,287 --> 00:12:09,922 Oh, come on, I Aldrin Justiced him. 349 00:12:09,924 --> 00:12:11,456 Yeah, but I bet you're just gonna give 350 00:12:11,458 --> 00:12:13,258 this van right back to him. 351 00:12:13,260 --> 00:12:15,277 I mean, were you at least gonna pee in it a little? 352 00:12:15,279 --> 00:12:19,064 I was gonna gas it up and get it washed. 353 00:12:19,066 --> 00:12:20,766 You're too nice. 354 00:12:20,768 --> 00:12:22,401 I'm the same way. 355 00:12:22,403 --> 00:12:24,269 Sometimes you got to get in there 356 00:12:24,271 --> 00:12:25,404 and-and stand up for yourself. 357 00:12:25,406 --> 00:12:28,323 I always cave and side with the other person. 358 00:12:28,325 --> 00:12:30,242 I can't handle confrontation. 359 00:12:30,244 --> 00:12:31,309 Yes, you can. 360 00:12:31,311 --> 00:12:32,778 You make some good points. 361 00:12:32,780 --> 00:12:34,663 Look. 362 00:12:34,665 --> 00:12:37,599 I don't know you, but I can tell that you're strong. 363 00:12:37,601 --> 00:12:40,002 That's your band. 364 00:12:40,004 --> 00:12:42,371 Don't let Darren steal it away. 365 00:12:43,489 --> 00:12:44,623 (sighs) 366 00:12:44,625 --> 00:12:46,592 No, there's no defeating the devil. 367 00:12:46,594 --> 00:12:49,160 He's someone else's problem now. 368 00:12:50,063 --> 00:12:51,663 I'm sorry if I've been 369 00:12:51,665 --> 00:12:53,015 distracted this weekend. 370 00:12:53,017 --> 00:12:55,350 Oh, let's not fight anymore, okay? 371 00:12:55,352 --> 00:12:58,020 Oh, good, Robin, you finally told Lily 372 00:12:58,022 --> 00:12:59,388 you feel like she's abandoning you as a friend 373 00:12:59,390 --> 00:13:00,339 by going to Italy. 374 00:13:00,341 --> 00:13:03,392 Honesty is progress. Stay gold. 375 00:13:04,444 --> 00:13:05,811 I'm not... 376 00:13:05,813 --> 00:13:07,279 Ooh, Ted. (indistinct chatter) 377 00:13:07,281 --> 00:13:08,281 When you move to Chicago, 378 00:13:08,282 --> 00:13:10,866 you got to try Gazzola's pizza. 379 00:13:10,868 --> 00:13:12,183 Namaste, hermanos. 380 00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:21,524 You're moving to Chicago? 381 00:13:21,782 --> 00:13:24,432 Is that even a real place? 382 00:13:24,434 --> 00:13:25,968 It's a style of pizza. 383 00:13:25,970 --> 00:13:27,769 Ted, you can't live in a pizza. 384 00:13:27,771 --> 00:13:29,821 I got an amazing job offer there. 385 00:13:29,823 --> 00:13:32,174 Look, Lily knows, but Marshall and Robin don't. 386 00:13:32,176 --> 00:13:33,508 So please keep it quiet. 387 00:13:33,510 --> 00:13:36,795 (loudly): You're moving to Chicago?! 388 00:13:36,797 --> 00:13:40,281 He-he's moving to Chicago! 389 00:13:40,283 --> 00:13:41,667 When do you move? 390 00:13:41,669 --> 00:13:44,336 At least tell me it's not until next year or something. 391 00:13:44,338 --> 00:13:47,305 It's not until... 392 00:13:47,307 --> 00:13:48,456 Monday. 393 00:13:48,458 --> 00:13:50,759 Monday?! 394 00:13:50,761 --> 00:13:54,262 So you are just gonna disappear the day after my wedding? 395 00:13:54,264 --> 00:13:57,065 After ten years of being best friends? 396 00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:58,669 Well, actually, Marshall's my... Don't even think about it! 397 00:13:58,670 --> 00:13:59,459 That's fair enough. 398 00:13:59,460 --> 00:14:01,682 You are gonna give me one day's notice? 399 00:14:02,156 --> 00:14:04,973 Well, I didn't want to upset you on your wedding weekend. 400 00:14:04,975 --> 00:14:06,358 No, it's good. 401 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:07,492 It'll be easy to say good-bye 402 00:14:07,494 --> 00:14:09,411 now that I know how much I mean to you. 403 00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:11,830 Well... (sighs) 404 00:14:13,666 --> 00:14:15,751 (door closes) (footsteps approach) 405 00:14:15,753 --> 00:14:17,335 Hey. 406 00:14:17,337 --> 00:14:19,204 Hey. 407 00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:20,622 Look, I was... 408 00:14:20,624 --> 00:14:22,958 I was never really rooting for Marshall. 409 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:26,044 I was rooting to not lose my best friend. 410 00:14:27,046 --> 00:14:28,830 But that's selfish. 411 00:14:28,832 --> 00:14:30,465 No matter where you go, 412 00:14:30,467 --> 00:14:32,718 I'm in your corner and I always will be. 413 00:14:33,469 --> 00:14:34,720 And to prove it... 414 00:14:39,942 --> 00:14:41,342 What are you gonna do with Marshpillow? 415 00:14:41,344 --> 00:14:42,527 Hold his arms back 416 00:14:42,529 --> 00:14:45,013 while you beat the goose down out of this bastard. 417 00:14:45,015 --> 00:14:47,699 Because that's what best friends do. 418 00:14:47,701 --> 00:14:49,568 Thanks, it-it's not gonna help. 419 00:14:49,570 --> 00:14:51,153 Try it. One punch. 420 00:14:54,323 --> 00:14:56,541 Ooh, that felt good. 421 00:14:56,543 --> 00:14:57,743 Mm-hmm. 422 00:14:57,745 --> 00:14:59,027 (grunting) Yeah, that's it, sweetheart. 423 00:14:59,029 --> 00:15:02,530 Head, body, head. Head, body, head. 424 00:15:04,917 --> 00:15:06,885 Barney, wait, wait! 425 00:15:06,887 --> 00:15:08,303 Your friendship is important to me. 426 00:15:08,305 --> 00:15:09,838 I swear on my mother's... 427 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:11,206 No, I swear to God. 428 00:15:11,208 --> 00:15:12,974 No... I swear to Hef. 429 00:15:12,976 --> 00:15:15,393 (gasps) Don't take that name in vain. 430 00:15:15,395 --> 00:15:19,181 If someone is important to you, you tell them you're moving. 431 00:15:19,183 --> 00:15:22,651 I'm just some guy you used to know back in New York. 432 00:15:22,653 --> 00:15:24,402 Hey. 433 00:15:27,190 --> 00:15:28,690 Whoa. 434 00:15:28,692 --> 00:15:30,192 How...? 435 00:15:37,450 --> 00:15:40,035 That's a $600 bottle. 436 00:15:40,037 --> 00:15:42,237 Ted, that's grand larceny. 437 00:15:42,239 --> 00:15:44,206 You really could go to jail for this. 438 00:15:44,208 --> 00:15:47,292 That's the dream. 439 00:15:47,294 --> 00:15:49,795 So... 440 00:15:49,797 --> 00:15:51,563 you're moving to Chicago. 441 00:15:51,565 --> 00:15:54,082 I'm going to Chicago. 442 00:15:54,084 --> 00:15:55,884 Why? I know Marshall and Lily might leave, 443 00:15:55,886 --> 00:15:57,752 but it's only a year, and in the meantime, 444 00:15:57,754 --> 00:15:59,437 we'll still see each other all the time. 445 00:15:59,439 --> 00:16:00,806 You, me, Robin... 446 00:16:03,142 --> 00:16:05,360 Oh. 447 00:16:07,596 --> 00:16:09,781 I need a new start. 448 00:16:11,450 --> 00:16:13,268 I'm gonna miss you. 449 00:16:13,270 --> 00:16:15,287 I'm gonna miss you so much. 450 00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:20,992 Well, here we are. 451 00:16:20,994 --> 00:16:22,127 Good luck in there. 452 00:16:22,129 --> 00:16:23,328 Thank you. 453 00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:24,946 And don't worry, 454 00:16:24,948 --> 00:16:26,248 at the reception, I'll yell, 455 00:16:26,250 --> 00:16:28,500 "The lead singer sucks skunk junk," 456 00:16:28,502 --> 00:16:29,801 after every song. 457 00:16:29,803 --> 00:16:30,836 (laughing) 458 00:16:30,838 --> 00:16:31,786 I'll come up with something 459 00:16:31,788 --> 00:16:33,421 better than "skunk junk." 460 00:16:33,423 --> 00:16:34,389 No, no. 461 00:16:34,391 --> 00:16:36,775 "Skunk junk" is pretty solid. 462 00:16:38,227 --> 00:16:41,146 You can't yell that at the lead singer. 463 00:16:41,148 --> 00:16:44,482 Because I don't suck skunk junk. 464 00:16:44,484 --> 00:16:46,184 Wait, are you saying...? 465 00:16:46,186 --> 00:16:48,687 I'm coming in. Darren and I are gonna have a chat 466 00:16:48,689 --> 00:16:50,572 about my band! 467 00:16:50,574 --> 00:16:52,023 (whoops) 468 00:16:52,025 --> 00:16:54,276 MARVIN: Skunk junk. 469 00:16:56,362 --> 00:17:00,332 For the record... Uh-huh. 470 00:17:00,334 --> 00:17:02,284 his first word 471 00:17:02,286 --> 00:17:04,035 was "Mommy." 472 00:17:04,037 --> 00:17:05,237 Mm-hmm. 473 00:17:05,239 --> 00:17:08,089 This is my band. I started it. 474 00:17:08,091 --> 00:17:11,877 And if anyone is getting fired here, it's you, Darren. 475 00:17:11,879 --> 00:17:13,345 So hit the bricks, 476 00:17:13,347 --> 00:17:15,096 s-skunk... 477 00:17:15,098 --> 00:17:16,932 junk. 478 00:17:16,934 --> 00:17:19,284 Is that even a little bit intimidating? 479 00:17:19,286 --> 00:17:21,603 Nope, and the knitting's not helping. 480 00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:24,606 I'm sorry, I just met this baby and he needs a hat. 481 00:17:24,608 --> 00:17:26,608 What... (stammers) You can't fire Darren. 482 00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:29,611 He gets how hilarious and adorable I am. 483 00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:31,980 Plus it is so inspiring 484 00:17:31,982 --> 00:17:35,734 how he overcame his mother being eaten by a barracuda. 485 00:17:35,736 --> 00:17:37,786 Gah! It's Finding Nemo. 486 00:17:37,788 --> 00:17:39,087 (sighs) 487 00:17:39,089 --> 00:17:40,372 That's new. 488 00:17:41,457 --> 00:17:44,292 There's no defeating the devil. 489 00:17:44,294 --> 00:17:46,361 New plan. Linus, if at any point 490 00:17:46,363 --> 00:17:48,363 tonight you see me with an empty glass... 491 00:17:48,365 --> 00:17:49,530 Kennedy package. 492 00:17:49,532 --> 00:17:51,249 It very popular choice this weekend. 493 00:17:51,251 --> 00:17:53,134 Thank you, Linus. 494 00:17:53,136 --> 00:17:55,370 (grunting) Yup. 495 00:17:56,422 --> 00:17:59,140 Uh, Lily? 496 00:17:59,142 --> 00:18:01,209 Lily. 497 00:18:01,211 --> 00:18:02,811 MARSHALL: Lily. 498 00:18:15,041 --> 00:18:16,908 Pause? 499 00:18:16,910 --> 00:18:19,244 Pause. 500 00:18:21,948 --> 00:18:24,165 Hi. 501 00:18:29,038 --> 00:18:30,405 Thank you, Linus. 502 00:18:30,407 --> 00:18:32,290 Mm-hmm. 503 00:18:32,292 --> 00:18:34,909 There are real villains in this world. 504 00:18:34,911 --> 00:18:38,847 But they don't always get real justice, do they? 505 00:18:38,849 --> 00:18:41,483 You want to believe karma's gonna get them. 506 00:18:41,485 --> 00:18:42,917 All right, who wants a drink? 507 00:18:42,919 --> 00:18:43,969 I'm stealing. 508 00:18:43,971 --> 00:18:45,920 (all cheer) 509 00:18:45,922 --> 00:18:48,523 But karma doesn't 510 00:18:48,525 --> 00:18:50,108 always come through. 511 00:18:50,110 --> 00:18:51,977 I love how strong your marriage is. 512 00:18:51,979 --> 00:18:53,478 And you don't need to lose weight, Louise, 513 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,096 no matter what he told me. 514 00:18:55,098 --> 00:18:57,198 Catch you on the flip-flop, muchachos. 515 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,067 Oh! (groans) 516 00:18:59,069 --> 00:19:00,235 (short laugh) 517 00:19:00,237 --> 00:19:02,070 Sorry, mi amigos. 518 00:19:02,072 --> 00:19:05,440 I guess you have to accept that sometimes in life... 519 00:19:06,659 --> 00:19:08,910 ...you just don't get that knockout punch. 520 00:19:08,912 --> 00:19:09,944 (loud punch) 521 00:19:09,946 --> 00:19:12,831 (loud grunt) 522 00:19:15,584 --> 00:19:17,335 (all laughing) 523 00:19:17,337 --> 00:19:18,786 Hey, can I get some ice? 524 00:19:18,788 --> 00:19:21,473 The best man just punched me in the face for no reason. 525 00:19:21,475 --> 00:19:22,457 (laughs) 526 00:19:22,459 --> 00:19:24,426 Oh, what, that's funny to you? 527 00:19:24,428 --> 00:19:25,626 You know what? I quit. 528 00:19:25,628 --> 00:19:27,445 You can have your stupid band back. 529 00:19:27,447 --> 00:19:31,516 I miss being in a band where people are decent to each other 530 00:19:31,518 --> 00:19:33,068 and there's no drama. 531 00:19:33,070 --> 00:19:35,320 I'm going back to the new Guns N' Roses. 532 00:19:37,690 --> 00:19:39,640 Linus, whoever that best man is, 533 00:19:39,642 --> 00:19:42,911 I would like to buy him a double of your finest scotch. 534 00:19:42,913 --> 00:19:45,480 ♪ You started a band 535 00:19:45,482 --> 00:19:48,483 ♪ That was cool for a while 536 00:19:48,485 --> 00:19:50,969 ♪ But it turned pretty bland 537 00:19:50,971 --> 00:19:54,422 ♪ I started a fight 538 00:19:54,424 --> 00:19:56,674 ♪ With a neighbor next door 539 00:19:56,676 --> 00:19:59,344 ♪ And his pesky wife... 540 00:19:59,346 --> 00:20:01,046 Here you go. 541 00:20:01,048 --> 00:20:02,997 Is this from one of you guys? 542 00:20:02,999 --> 00:20:04,682 Nah. Uh-uh. No. 543 00:20:04,684 --> 00:20:06,351 Okay. 544 00:20:06,353 --> 00:20:08,269 ♪ And hate even more when you're not ♪ 545 00:20:08,271 --> 00:20:09,687 Well... this is incredible. 546 00:20:09,689 --> 00:20:10,671 What is this? 547 00:20:10,673 --> 00:20:12,840 It's the Glen McKenna 35-year. 548 00:20:12,842 --> 00:20:14,809 Wait a minute. 549 00:20:14,811 --> 00:20:17,178 This whole time, you had Glen McKenna 35-year? 550 00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:18,613 Why didn't you say something? 551 00:20:18,615 --> 00:20:20,348 You didn't ask about the 35. 552 00:20:20,350 --> 00:20:22,682 NARRATOR: And, kids, that's the first drink 553 00:20:22,683 --> 00:20:24,016 your mother ever bought me. 554 00:20:24,018 --> 00:20:29,018 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 555 00:20:31,305 --> 00:20:34,882 Hey, Barney, I'm so sorry I missed your rehearsal dinner. 556 00:20:35,258 --> 00:20:36,824 Oh, that's okay. 557 00:20:36,826 --> 00:20:40,261 We didn't even know you weren't here, jerk. 558 00:20:40,263 --> 00:20:42,180 Listen, I know that I can't make up for being late, 559 00:20:42,182 --> 00:20:44,132 but I did get you a-a special gift. 560 00:20:44,134 --> 00:20:46,051 Well, hand it over, fathead. 561 00:20:46,053 --> 00:20:48,103 Well, you might want to wait until after the wedding photos. 562 00:20:48,105 --> 00:20:50,722 Hand it over now, travel breath. 563 00:20:50,724 --> 00:20:52,974 Okay, Barney, I'll hand it over. 564 00:20:53,842 --> 00:20:55,193 Oh, God, it's the fourth slap! 565 00:20:55,195 --> 00:20:56,811 I don't know why I was so obnoxious.