1 00:00:00,991 --> 00:00:03,227 NARRATOR: Kids, Barney's mom had this blouse 2 00:00:03,228 --> 00:00:05,362 that she absolutely loved, 3 00:00:05,364 --> 00:00:07,030 but then Robin won it in a poker game, 4 00:00:07,032 --> 00:00:09,199 which led to some slight awkwardness. 5 00:00:09,201 --> 00:00:13,069 You won the battle... but I'll win the war. 6 00:00:13,071 --> 00:00:14,905 Game on, bitch. 7 00:00:14,907 --> 00:00:18,458 BARNEY: Please, Mom, I need you to just be cool. 8 00:00:18,460 --> 00:00:20,010 Okay, can you do that for me? 9 00:00:20,012 --> 00:00:21,077 For you, yes. 10 00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:22,578 And for Robin? 11 00:00:22,580 --> 00:00:23,964 [Scoffs] She's gonna be 12 00:00:23,966 --> 00:00:25,915 your daughter in 33 hours. 13 00:00:25,917 --> 00:00:26,883 Daughter in law. 14 00:00:26,885 --> 00:00:28,134 Making it illegal 15 00:00:28,136 --> 00:00:30,136 for you not to treat her like a daughter. 16 00:00:30,138 --> 00:00:31,855 In-lawyered. 17 00:00:32,473 --> 00:00:33,756 Please, Mom. 18 00:00:33,758 --> 00:00:36,526 All Robin wants to do is put this whole thing behind her 19 00:00:36,528 --> 00:00:39,396 so she can get married and put this whole thing behind her. 20 00:00:39,398 --> 00:00:41,281 Ah! Get-this-over-with-quickly so-we-can 21 00:00:41,283 --> 00:00:44,200 move-past-how-awkward-it-was that-I-just-said-that five! 22 00:00:44,202 --> 00:00:46,369 Fine. If Robin's ready to bury the hatchet, 23 00:00:46,371 --> 00:00:49,039 then I guess I'm ready to bury the hatchet. 24 00:00:49,041 --> 00:00:51,741 Morning, bitches. Like my new blouse? 25 00:00:51,743 --> 00:00:53,743 Oh, hell, no! No, Mom. Mom! 26 00:00:53,745 --> 00:00:54,995 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 27 00:00:58,416 --> 00:01:02,416 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x08 ♪ The Lighthouse Original Air Date on November 4, 2013 28 00:01:02,441 --> 00:01:07,441 == Sync and Corrected by elderman == @elder_man 29 00:01:07,642 --> 00:01:09,959 NARRATOR: Kids, not far from the Farhampton Inn, 30 00:01:09,961 --> 00:01:10,977 there's a lighthouse. 31 00:01:10,979 --> 00:01:12,795 It's a really special place, 32 00:01:12,797 --> 00:01:15,432 and that morning I wanted to see it for myself. 33 00:01:15,434 --> 00:01:16,683 There was just one problem. 34 00:01:16,685 --> 00:01:18,968 Look, I'm sorry, Ted, but-but 35 00:01:18,970 --> 00:01:21,637 I can't in good faith send a lonely guy like yourself 36 00:01:21,639 --> 00:01:23,823 to the top of a very romantic, 37 00:01:23,825 --> 00:01:26,743 and more to the point, a very tall lighthouse. 38 00:01:26,745 --> 00:01:28,644 [Whistles, Blows Raspberry] 39 00:01:28,646 --> 00:01:31,114 I don't want your blood on my hands, 40 00:01:31,116 --> 00:01:34,117 and I mean that literally, because it would be my job to... 41 00:01:34,119 --> 00:01:36,169 to hose down the rocks. 42 00:01:36,171 --> 00:01:38,505 NARRATOR: Now, late the night before, 43 00:01:38,507 --> 00:01:41,257 thanks to Marshall's travel companion, Daphne, 44 00:01:41,259 --> 00:01:44,010 Lily had received some unsettling news. 45 00:01:44,012 --> 00:01:45,578 I'm gonna be a judge. 46 00:01:45,580 --> 00:01:47,881 NARRATOR: Screwing up their whole plan to move to Italy. 47 00:01:47,883 --> 00:01:49,165 She wasn't happy. 48 00:01:49,167 --> 00:01:50,800 Yes, I'm in a rotten mood. 49 00:01:50,802 --> 00:01:52,218 No, I don't want to talk about it. 50 00:01:52,220 --> 00:01:53,787 Yes, this has booze in it. 51 00:01:53,789 --> 00:01:55,271 No, it's not my first. 52 00:01:55,273 --> 00:01:57,640 You want to make this brunch a drunch? 53 00:01:57,642 --> 00:01:59,809 You do you, I'm not gonna judge. 54 00:02:01,278 --> 00:02:02,345 I'm gonna be a judge. 55 00:02:02,347 --> 00:02:04,064 Judge. 56 00:02:05,733 --> 00:02:08,535 Thank you, Linus. 57 00:02:08,537 --> 00:02:09,953 NARRATOR: As for Marshall and Daphne, 58 00:02:09,955 --> 00:02:11,521 they got caught in that big storm. 59 00:02:11,523 --> 00:02:13,873 Luckily, they had a place to crash for the night. 60 00:02:13,875 --> 00:02:15,825 My childhood home. 61 00:02:15,827 --> 00:02:19,245 Okay, that sign might not have been there. 62 00:02:19,247 --> 00:02:21,831 Thank you so much for letting us stay the night, Mrs. Mosby. 63 00:02:21,833 --> 00:02:22,966 Oh, it's our pleasure. 64 00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:25,001 I'm just glad that storm has passed. Oh. 65 00:02:25,003 --> 00:02:27,354 But there's one storm that hasn't passed, 66 00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:29,372 isn't there, Marshall? 67 00:02:29,374 --> 00:02:31,057 Hey, Clint. 68 00:02:31,059 --> 00:02:33,042 CLINT: You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Marshall? 69 00:02:33,044 --> 00:02:34,394 I'm talking about the one that's been raining 70 00:02:34,396 --> 00:02:37,981 cats and dogs all over this-this, this friendship. 71 00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:39,265 This isn't a friendship. 72 00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:40,767 Oh. 73 00:02:40,769 --> 00:02:42,718 Nice. 74 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,488 We're reluctant travel companions. 75 00:02:45,490 --> 00:02:46,856 Well, little known fact about me. 76 00:02:46,858 --> 00:02:48,108 I'm an almost-graduate 77 00:02:48,110 --> 00:02:51,194 of the Conflict Resolution program over at... at Tri-C. 78 00:02:51,196 --> 00:02:54,280 I even had my own practice at Van Aken Plaza 79 00:02:54,282 --> 00:02:55,565 before the manager of the Wendy's 80 00:02:55,567 --> 00:02:57,467 made me stop hogging the booth. 81 00:02:57,469 --> 00:03:00,120 The point is, I can fix this. 82 00:03:00,122 --> 00:03:01,704 Oh, I don't know, Clint. 83 00:03:01,706 --> 00:03:03,039 [Strums Upbeat Melody] 84 00:03:03,041 --> 00:03:05,125 ♪ Gonna resolve some conflicts 85 00:03:05,127 --> 00:03:06,626 ♪ Gonna resolve some conflicts ♪ 86 00:03:06,628 --> 00:03:09,245 ♪ Gonna make a deeper understanding ♪ 87 00:03:09,247 --> 00:03:10,797 ♪ Through mediation. 88 00:03:10,799 --> 00:03:12,766 Okay, you know what? We have to hit the road. 89 00:03:12,768 --> 00:03:16,252 But, um, Mrs. Mosby, do you mind if I take this mug? 90 00:03:16,254 --> 00:03:17,937 I would very much like 91 00:03:17,939 --> 00:03:20,056 to make fun of Ted next time I see him. 92 00:03:20,058 --> 00:03:21,257 Of course. 93 00:03:21,259 --> 00:03:22,809 You know, when Ted was seven, 94 00:03:22,811 --> 00:03:25,562 he and his best friend took this Wild West photo 95 00:03:25,564 --> 00:03:26,863 together at Geauga Lake. 96 00:03:26,865 --> 00:03:28,381 I could go look for it. 97 00:03:28,383 --> 00:03:29,732 We really should get going. 98 00:03:29,734 --> 00:03:30,934 His best friend was a balloon. 99 00:03:30,935 --> 00:03:32,068 What's a few more minutes? 100 00:03:32,070 --> 00:03:34,103 Yeah, you're gonna want that. 101 00:03:34,105 --> 00:03:36,573 So... what's everyone doing this morning? 102 00:03:36,575 --> 00:03:39,108 Oh, well, I kind of feel like playing some tennis. 103 00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:40,577 Maybe we should reserve a court. 104 00:03:40,579 --> 00:03:42,045 Court. 105 00:03:44,415 --> 00:03:46,733 Thank you, Linus. 106 00:03:46,735 --> 00:03:48,751 Pancakes and eggs, Robin? 107 00:03:48,753 --> 00:03:51,954 I guess that blouse won't be loose and flowy for long. 108 00:03:51,956 --> 00:03:52,788 Mom... 109 00:03:52,790 --> 00:03:53,890 Keep talking, Loretta. 110 00:03:53,892 --> 00:03:56,176 I've been waiting all morning to... 111 00:03:56,178 --> 00:03:57,960 ketchup. 112 00:03:57,962 --> 00:03:59,395 Oops. 113 00:03:59,397 --> 00:04:03,149 You're not supposed to put ketchup on scrambled eggs. 114 00:04:03,151 --> 00:04:04,934 Right, Loretta, because 115 00:04:04,936 --> 00:04:07,470 you're the queen of scrambled eggs. 116 00:04:07,472 --> 00:04:08,304 BARNEY: Actually, that's 117 00:04:08,306 --> 00:04:09,772 exactly what she is. 118 00:04:09,774 --> 00:04:10,940 When Mom was 119 00:04:10,942 --> 00:04:12,308 a groupie in the '70s, 120 00:04:12,310 --> 00:04:15,745 her scrambled eggs made her the darling of the MSG loading dock. 121 00:04:15,747 --> 00:04:18,198 Lot of songs written about those scrambled eggs. 122 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:19,982 ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs"? 123 00:04:19,984 --> 00:04:21,701 Originally "She's Got Eggs." 124 00:04:21,703 --> 00:04:22,585 Led Zeppelin? 125 00:04:22,587 --> 00:04:23,920 "Scramble On." 126 00:04:23,922 --> 00:04:25,205 Steve Miller? 127 00:04:25,207 --> 00:04:26,623 "The Yolker." 128 00:04:26,625 --> 00:04:28,842 If you listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon 129 00:04:28,844 --> 00:04:31,961 while eating her eggs, it lines up perfectly. 130 00:04:31,963 --> 00:04:35,431 While I'm sure it was your mother's cooking skills 131 00:04:35,433 --> 00:04:39,102 that made her so popular with Zed Zed Top and their ilk, 132 00:04:39,104 --> 00:04:40,687 I know for a fact 133 00:04:40,689 --> 00:04:43,356 that she does not make the best scrambled eggs. 134 00:04:43,358 --> 00:04:46,693 Because my mom makes the best scrambled eggs. 135 00:04:46,695 --> 00:04:48,361 [Gasps] 136 00:04:48,363 --> 00:04:50,346 NARRATOR: Kids, we've known your Aunt Robin 137 00:04:50,348 --> 00:04:52,115 for eight years at that point, 138 00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:54,284 and here's what we knew about her mom. 139 00:04:54,286 --> 00:04:55,451 My mom is terrified of flying. 140 00:04:55,453 --> 00:04:57,070 [Bell Dings] 141 00:04:57,072 --> 00:04:59,072 My mom got stung by a jellyfish. 142 00:04:59,074 --> 00:05:00,406 [Bell Dings] 143 00:05:00,408 --> 00:05:01,908 My mom makes the best scrambled eggs. 144 00:05:01,910 --> 00:05:03,042 [Bell Dings] 145 00:05:03,044 --> 00:05:05,228 NARRATOR: And... that's everything. 146 00:05:05,230 --> 00:05:07,463 In fact, she should be here any minute. 147 00:05:07,465 --> 00:05:08,631 Barney, 148 00:05:08,633 --> 00:05:10,533 maybe she can cook you some real scrambled eggs 149 00:05:10,535 --> 00:05:12,368 so you can see what you've been missing. 150 00:05:12,370 --> 00:05:14,554 Don't do this, Robin. You can't win the egg war. 151 00:05:14,556 --> 00:05:16,389 Canadian scrambled eggs, how quaint. 152 00:05:16,391 --> 00:05:18,541 Does your mom put maple syrup on them? 153 00:05:18,543 --> 00:05:20,543 Ha, ha, ha, this is all very friendly. 154 00:05:20,545 --> 00:05:21,877 [Whispering]: Get out of this now. 155 00:05:21,879 --> 00:05:24,647 Why not? We put maple syrup on everything else. 156 00:05:26,317 --> 00:05:27,400 BARNEY: Aw. 157 00:05:27,402 --> 00:05:29,769 That's it! 158 00:05:29,771 --> 00:05:32,021 We need your omelet station. 159 00:05:32,023 --> 00:05:35,525 My son's fiancée is about to get served... 160 00:05:35,527 --> 00:05:37,744 some delicious scrambled eggs. 161 00:05:37,746 --> 00:05:41,030 Or I could go out to the driveway and eat some gravel. 162 00:05:41,032 --> 00:05:42,165 [Soft Grunt] 163 00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:44,534 Wait. Sorry. Did you say gravel or gavel? 164 00:05:44,536 --> 00:05:45,868 Gravel. Why would I say gavel? 165 00:05:45,870 --> 00:05:47,203 Gavel. 166 00:05:48,088 --> 00:05:51,124 [Sighs] 167 00:05:51,126 --> 00:05:52,258 Thank you, Linus. 168 00:05:52,260 --> 00:05:54,127 Curtis, can I please 169 00:05:54,129 --> 00:05:56,296 have a map to the lighthouse? 170 00:05:56,298 --> 00:05:58,214 It's a very romantic lighthouse. 171 00:05:58,216 --> 00:05:59,415 I can't even have a map? 172 00:05:59,417 --> 00:06:01,551 It's a very romantic map. 173 00:06:01,553 --> 00:06:03,386 I can't let you go without a date. 174 00:06:03,388 --> 00:06:04,804 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 175 00:06:04,806 --> 00:06:07,307 What happened to that girl Cassie? Cassie? 176 00:06:07,309 --> 00:06:09,058 NARRATOR: Cassie was the girl I'd spent 177 00:06:09,060 --> 00:06:10,926 the entire previous night consoling. 178 00:06:10,928 --> 00:06:14,147 Just consoling. 179 00:06:14,149 --> 00:06:15,064 Yeah, that's not happening. 180 00:06:15,066 --> 00:06:17,116 NARRATOR: And then, in her anger, 181 00:06:17,118 --> 00:06:18,934 Lily gave me a piece of advice 182 00:06:18,936 --> 00:06:20,453 about which she would later say... 183 00:06:20,455 --> 00:06:23,656 Oh, mama, that was some bad advice. 184 00:06:23,658 --> 00:06:25,458 Okay, here's why you're an idiot. 185 00:06:25,460 --> 00:06:27,660 Did you find Cassie attractive? 186 00:06:27,662 --> 00:06:30,946 I guess. Is she a relatively normal height? 187 00:06:30,948 --> 00:06:33,949 Yeah. So end up with her already. 188 00:06:33,951 --> 00:06:35,918 God, do you really think 189 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,953 that you're gonna find some perfect girl 190 00:06:37,955 --> 00:06:41,224 who checks off every item on your list? 191 00:06:41,226 --> 00:06:42,642 Well, not every item. 192 00:06:42,644 --> 00:06:45,011 I mean, she doesn't have to share my love for coins. 193 00:06:45,013 --> 00:06:47,397 Although it would be nice, just once, 194 00:06:47,399 --> 00:06:50,800 not to have to go stag to Coin-Con. 195 00:06:50,802 --> 00:06:53,236 Pull your head out of your ass, Mosby. 196 00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:56,138 Do you think Marshall always makes me happy? 197 00:06:56,140 --> 00:06:59,409 I mean, sometimes being with him is a real trial. 198 00:06:59,411 --> 00:07:01,444 Real trial. 199 00:07:01,446 --> 00:07:02,462 Huh. 200 00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:04,247 Did it to myself that time. 201 00:07:04,249 --> 00:07:07,817 Look, Ted, it's time to settle. 202 00:07:07,819 --> 00:07:09,952 Take this normal-sized chick up to the lighthouse 203 00:07:09,954 --> 00:07:11,337 and fall in love with her 204 00:07:11,339 --> 00:07:15,041 and quit bothering us with your dumb love life stuff. 205 00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:18,327 God, I am so sick of being smarter than everyone else. 206 00:07:19,797 --> 00:07:20,797 You're slipping, Linus. 207 00:07:20,799 --> 00:07:23,299 We're running out of glasses. 208 00:07:29,306 --> 00:07:32,058 Do you want to just go to the stupid lighthouse? 209 00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:34,110 Ooh, zitch dog. 210 00:07:34,112 --> 00:07:35,728 Cocker spaniel in the Jetta. 211 00:07:35,730 --> 00:07:37,947 That's Marshall Eriksen-- 28, 212 00:07:37,949 --> 00:07:39,014 Daphne-- zero. 213 00:07:39,016 --> 00:07:40,817 For the 28th time, 214 00:07:40,819 --> 00:07:43,036 I'm not playing your stupid game! 215 00:07:43,038 --> 00:07:44,454 Oh, stupid, huh? 216 00:07:44,456 --> 00:07:45,521 That's great. 217 00:07:45,523 --> 00:07:47,540 I guess Daphne gets to pick the music 218 00:07:47,542 --> 00:07:50,025 and crap all over my fun road-trip games. 219 00:07:50,027 --> 00:07:52,295 [Sighs] You know, maybe Clint was right. 220 00:07:52,297 --> 00:07:54,464 Maybe we do need conflict resolution. 221 00:07:54,466 --> 00:07:55,665 I knew you guys would come around. 222 00:07:55,667 --> 00:07:58,668 [Daphne and Marshall Screaming] 223 00:07:59,273 --> 00:08:01,941 NARRATOR: And so I made up my mind to settle for Cassie. 224 00:08:02,163 --> 00:08:04,997 So, um, what kind of music do you like? 225 00:08:04,999 --> 00:08:07,866 Hmm... nothing. 226 00:08:09,970 --> 00:08:11,721 NARRATOR: Still, I felt optimistic. 227 00:08:11,723 --> 00:08:13,806 After all, Cassie was cute and single 228 00:08:13,808 --> 00:08:16,309 and heck, it's not like the universe was telling us 229 00:08:16,311 --> 00:08:17,710 we shouldn't be together. 230 00:08:22,766 --> 00:08:25,318 Here we are. Enjoy. 231 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,719 Remember: happy wife, happy life. 232 00:08:26,721 --> 00:08:28,020 Pretend they're just okay. 233 00:08:28,022 --> 00:08:31,273 Please, Lily, I think I can manage to... 234 00:08:32,192 --> 00:08:34,160 Oh, my God. 235 00:08:34,162 --> 00:08:35,361 I'm eight years old again, 236 00:08:35,363 --> 00:08:36,712 and life is perfect, 237 00:08:36,714 --> 00:08:39,148 and I haven't peed my shorts in front of 350 Webelos 238 00:08:39,150 --> 00:08:41,884 at the Pinewood Derby Regionals in Wheeling, West Virginia. 239 00:08:41,886 --> 00:08:43,052 I'm sorry, Robin. 240 00:08:43,054 --> 00:08:44,387 What do you think, Lily? 241 00:08:44,389 --> 00:08:47,039 Oh, my God, they are so delicious. 242 00:08:47,041 --> 00:08:49,408 Even more delicious than finding out Barney peed himself 243 00:08:49,410 --> 00:08:52,294 at the Pinewood Derby Regionals in Wheeling, West Virginia. 244 00:08:52,296 --> 00:08:53,846 I'm sorry, Robin. 245 00:08:53,848 --> 00:08:54,764 Mmm. Come on, 246 00:08:54,766 --> 00:08:55,848 they can't be that good. 247 00:08:55,850 --> 00:08:57,633 Oh! 248 00:08:57,635 --> 00:08:59,552 Excuse me, Mrs. Stinson, some of our guests 249 00:08:59,554 --> 00:09:01,253 smelled your scrambled eggs and were wondering 250 00:09:01,255 --> 00:09:03,522 if you could make some for them as well. 251 00:09:03,524 --> 00:09:05,090 [Laughing]: Oh, I don't think I should... 252 00:09:05,092 --> 00:09:08,361 [Crowd Chanting]: Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! 253 00:09:08,363 --> 00:09:09,812 Eggs! Eggs! [Sighs] 254 00:09:09,814 --> 00:09:11,280 Clint, what are you doing here? 255 00:09:11,282 --> 00:09:14,066 What the Ohio State Board of Holistic Medicine has repeatedly 256 00:09:14,068 --> 00:09:17,286 told me I'm in no way qualified to do: my job. 257 00:09:17,288 --> 00:09:20,439 When I see a conflict needs resolving, I must act. 258 00:09:20,441 --> 00:09:22,375 Plus, Ted's mom wanted me out of the house. 259 00:09:22,377 --> 00:09:24,710 So, today, we're gonna build a new paradigm 260 00:09:24,712 --> 00:09:26,245 of understanding, 261 00:09:26,247 --> 00:09:29,048 and then you're gonna swoop me on back to Shaker Heights. 262 00:09:29,050 --> 00:09:30,082 Oh, I need to stop 263 00:09:30,084 --> 00:09:31,550 at Record Rev on Coventry. 264 00:09:31,552 --> 00:09:32,835 My vaporizer's ready. 265 00:09:32,837 --> 00:09:34,503 Marshall, pull over and dump this hippie 266 00:09:34,505 --> 00:09:35,921 on the side of the road. 267 00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:37,122 I can't do that. 268 00:09:37,124 --> 00:09:38,891 CLINT: ♪ Gonna resolve some conflicts ♪ 269 00:09:38,893 --> 00:09:40,559 ♪ Gonna resolve some conflicts 270 00:09:40,561 --> 00:09:41,960 Daphne picks the music. 271 00:09:41,962 --> 00:09:43,295 ♪ Gonna end this argument 272 00:09:43,297 --> 00:09:45,014 ♪ Between Marshall and his mistress. ♪ 273 00:09:45,016 --> 00:09:46,899 Oh, come on. Daphne picks the music! 274 00:09:46,901 --> 00:09:49,735 Ow! Stupid racecar! 275 00:09:49,737 --> 00:09:51,904 This is why children should not have toys! 276 00:09:51,906 --> 00:09:53,906 Look, maybe this lighthouse thing isn't such a good idea. 277 00:09:53,908 --> 00:09:55,074 No, you don't. 278 00:09:55,575 --> 00:09:56,809 You committed, 279 00:09:56,811 --> 00:09:58,944 and so did I, so let's go. 280 00:09:59,863 --> 00:10:01,914 Oh. Ow! Oh! 281 00:10:01,916 --> 00:10:03,783 Actually, it's feeling better. [Laughs] 282 00:10:03,785 --> 00:10:05,284 Ow! Oh! No, it's not. 283 00:10:05,286 --> 00:10:07,286 Oh. [Whimpering] 284 00:10:07,288 --> 00:10:09,088 Mom, I don't know why your phone is off. 285 00:10:09,090 --> 00:10:11,290 Maybe you left your charger in the pickup truck. 286 00:10:11,292 --> 00:10:12,541 [Bell Dings] 287 00:10:12,543 --> 00:10:14,343 But I need you to get here as fast possible. 288 00:10:14,345 --> 00:10:15,428 I know you're probably gonna want 289 00:10:15,430 --> 00:10:16,829 to take a hot bath when you get in. 290 00:10:16,831 --> 00:10:17,546 [Bell Dings] 291 00:10:17,548 --> 00:10:18,764 She fits in a bathtub. 292 00:10:18,766 --> 00:10:20,683 That's good news. Unless... 293 00:10:20,685 --> 00:10:22,701 Oh, God, how big are Canadian bathtubs? 294 00:10:22,703 --> 00:10:24,854 [Bell Dings] LORETTA: People ever line up 295 00:10:24,856 --> 00:10:26,105 like this for your mom's eggs? 296 00:10:26,107 --> 00:10:30,192 Loretta, even I could make better eggs than this. 297 00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:31,944 Oh, I'd love it if you'd come teach me 298 00:10:31,946 --> 00:10:33,145 how to make scrambled eggs. 299 00:10:33,147 --> 00:10:34,947 It's a scramble-off, everybody! 300 00:10:34,949 --> 00:10:37,032 A scramble-off to the death! 301 00:10:37,034 --> 00:10:39,318 Someone go watch for the cops! 302 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,403 Maybe we should have read up on this town 303 00:10:41,405 --> 00:10:43,539 before booking our wedding. 304 00:10:43,541 --> 00:10:46,459 Let's do some, "When you... I feel." 305 00:10:46,461 --> 00:10:47,860 All right, for example, 306 00:10:47,862 --> 00:10:51,163 when you don't do trust falls, 307 00:10:51,165 --> 00:10:55,217 I feel like you should do trust falls. 308 00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,837 So just do the damn trust falls. 309 00:10:57,839 --> 00:10:58,871 I'm driving a car, Clint. 310 00:10:58,873 --> 00:11:00,306 Okay, 311 00:11:00,308 --> 00:11:03,175 uh, Daphne, when you say "Drill, baby, drill" 312 00:11:03,177 --> 00:11:06,061 every time that we pass a gas station, 313 00:11:06,063 --> 00:11:08,013 I feel invalidated. 314 00:11:08,015 --> 00:11:10,516 Marshall, when you talk, I feel shut up! 315 00:11:10,518 --> 00:11:12,384 That's very good, both of you. 316 00:11:12,386 --> 00:11:14,236 Really? Both of us? 317 00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:16,438 Name one energy that's better than oil. 318 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:17,990 Wind, solar, hydroelectric. 319 00:11:17,992 --> 00:11:19,575 You see what I've been dealing with, Clint? 320 00:11:19,577 --> 00:11:21,861 ♪ The sticky petroleum clings... ♪ 321 00:11:21,863 --> 00:11:23,028 Please not now, Clint. 322 00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:25,731 ♪ To the pelican's broken wings ♪ 323 00:11:25,733 --> 00:11:29,668 ♪ Hey, Mr. Oilman, what have you done... ♪ 324 00:11:29,670 --> 00:11:31,570 Stop, stop, stop, please. Enough! Clint, 325 00:11:31,572 --> 00:11:33,372 [Marvin Crying] I'm tired of your beard and I'm tired 326 00:11:33,374 --> 00:11:35,541 of this stupid therapy session. And I'm tired 327 00:11:35,543 --> 00:11:39,077 of the way that your songs have a-a laxative effect on Marvin! 328 00:11:39,079 --> 00:11:41,079 And on me. Every time Clint starts singing, 329 00:11:41,081 --> 00:11:42,848 I just got to go. Yeah. 330 00:11:42,850 --> 00:11:46,752 It's like, uh, the only trust fall when you sing 331 00:11:46,754 --> 00:11:50,723 is that I "trust" that a piece of poop 332 00:11:50,725 --> 00:11:54,276 is gonna "fall" out of my son's butt. 333 00:11:54,278 --> 00:11:55,778 [Laughs] 334 00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:58,063 Hey, Clint, how about that? 335 00:11:58,065 --> 00:11:59,732 You got us to agree on something. Yeah. 336 00:11:59,734 --> 00:12:02,651 We both think you're a loser. [Laughs] 337 00:12:02,653 --> 00:12:04,770 This therapy works. 338 00:12:04,772 --> 00:12:06,155 No! 339 00:12:06,157 --> 00:12:08,123 That is not the way therapy works at all! 340 00:12:08,125 --> 00:12:10,108 Do you think this is some kind of a joke?! 341 00:12:10,110 --> 00:12:11,744 This is my career! 342 00:12:11,746 --> 00:12:14,663 I will not go back to coaching the Browns! 343 00:12:14,665 --> 00:12:15,664 Why can't people take 344 00:12:15,666 --> 00:12:17,082 what I do seriously?! 345 00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:20,085 God! [Grunting] 346 00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:22,454 [Marvin Crying] 347 00:12:22,456 --> 00:12:24,723 [Strained]: Oh, my God. One more. 348 00:12:24,725 --> 00:12:27,893 Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, my God. 349 00:12:27,895 --> 00:12:30,312 [Panting] 350 00:12:30,314 --> 00:12:33,649 God, that was a lot of stairs. I'm exhausted. 351 00:12:33,651 --> 00:12:35,634 My chest is on fire. 352 00:12:35,636 --> 00:12:36,986 Oh. 353 00:12:36,988 --> 00:12:41,073 Ooh! So, Mr. Arch-itect, 354 00:12:41,075 --> 00:12:42,825 what do we do now? 355 00:12:42,827 --> 00:12:45,411 Fall in love or something? 356 00:12:45,413 --> 00:12:47,496 NARRATOR: And, kids, as I stood on that lighthouse 357 00:12:47,498 --> 00:12:50,816 and looked at that girl, I felt something happen inside me, 358 00:12:50,818 --> 00:12:53,335 something that had only happened one other time 359 00:12:53,337 --> 00:12:55,254 in my entire adult life. 360 00:12:55,256 --> 00:12:57,339 [Retches] 361 00:12:57,341 --> 00:12:59,041 ROBIN: Okay, scrambled eggs. 362 00:12:59,043 --> 00:13:00,843 Here we go. 363 00:13:00,845 --> 00:13:03,145 Where is the egg opener? 364 00:13:04,514 --> 00:13:07,332 Never mind. I'll pre-scramble them. It's fine. 365 00:13:08,385 --> 00:13:11,003 Okay, fine, Loretta. You know what? You win. 366 00:13:11,005 --> 00:13:11,837 I don't know how 367 00:13:11,839 --> 00:13:14,006 to cook egg. 368 00:13:14,008 --> 00:13:15,941 If you don't even know how to make scrambled eggs, 369 00:13:15,943 --> 00:13:17,342 I just worry what kind of breakfast 370 00:13:17,344 --> 00:13:19,979 you're gonna be serving my grandchildren. 371 00:13:19,981 --> 00:13:21,780 Well, lucky you 372 00:13:21,782 --> 00:13:25,234 because that is one thing you won't ever have to worry about. 373 00:13:33,243 --> 00:13:36,462 Mom, Robin can't have kids. 374 00:13:39,247 --> 00:13:42,888 Every single job I take on, it's always the same! 375 00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:45,473 "The coffee maker has to stay in the office, Clint!" 376 00:13:45,475 --> 00:13:49,477 "You still have to wear pants on Casual Friday, Clint!" 377 00:13:49,479 --> 00:13:50,311 "We didn't 378 00:13:50,313 --> 00:13:51,562 hire you, Clint!" 379 00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:52,963 Well, God, I'm-I'm... 380 00:13:52,965 --> 00:13:54,465 I'm just sick of it. I'm si... 381 00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:57,801 Ow. Ow. Oh, I can hear my blood right now. 382 00:13:57,803 --> 00:13:59,937 I'm having an attack. I'm having a blood attack. 383 00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,105 A blood attack? 384 00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:02,440 Yeah. Pull over. I need... I-I need to meditate. 385 00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:05,243 I got to get my heart rate down. I'll... Ow! Pull over. 386 00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,411 We're in the middle of nowhere. Pull over! 387 00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:10,281 Zitch dog, Labradoodle in a Ford Fusion! Ow! 388 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,782 God... 389 00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,918 Robin can't have kids? 390 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,620 But you always wanted children. 391 00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:17,555 No, I always liked children. 392 00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:21,225 I've always wanted a Lamborghini where there's a hot tub inside. 393 00:14:21,227 --> 00:14:23,377 God, I wish that existed. 394 00:14:23,379 --> 00:14:25,263 So no grandkids. 395 00:14:26,048 --> 00:14:27,431 How long have you known about this? 396 00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:29,467 I found out last fall. 397 00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:31,636 Robin and I had been hanging out downtown 398 00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:34,322 at this very cool secret bar. 399 00:14:34,324 --> 00:14:37,608 [Dance Music Playing] What a lovely place! 400 00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,727 Have you ever had sushi that fresh? 401 00:14:39,729 --> 00:14:42,446 Okay, I am never getting on a mechanical bull again. 402 00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:43,614 [Chuckles] 403 00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:46,534 I can't believe Marshall and Lily missed out. 404 00:14:46,536 --> 00:14:49,070 Promise me, if you ever have kids, 405 00:14:49,072 --> 00:14:51,038 you'll sometimes get a babysitter 406 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:52,856 and come have an epic night. 407 00:14:52,858 --> 00:14:56,494 Oh, and, P.S., bring the babysitter, she sounds dirty. 408 00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,529 Actually, I, uh, I can't have kids, 409 00:14:58,531 --> 00:15:00,081 so that's not an issue. 410 00:15:01,250 --> 00:15:02,533 Really? 411 00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:03,867 Yeah. 412 00:15:12,594 --> 00:15:15,146 Is it weird that I'm hugging you like this? 413 00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:19,400 No, it's not weird. 414 00:15:22,971 --> 00:15:26,223 Now it's weird. Mm-hmm. Yep, the rain makes it weird. 415 00:15:26,225 --> 00:15:29,610 Mom, I'm not marrying some future possibility 416 00:15:29,612 --> 00:15:31,228 of starting a family. 417 00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:33,497 I'm marrying a girl. 418 00:15:34,416 --> 00:15:37,168 Who means more to me than kids. 419 00:15:37,786 --> 00:15:39,420 Or my career. 420 00:15:39,422 --> 00:15:42,290 Or even the Lambor-cuzzi, patent pending. 421 00:15:43,258 --> 00:15:45,509 So please... 422 00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:47,628 ...be nice to her? 423 00:15:50,165 --> 00:15:52,667 DAPHNE: This is ridiculous. 424 00:15:52,669 --> 00:15:54,201 Get out there and drag Clint's 425 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:57,305 downward-facing ass back in here so we can get going. 426 00:15:57,307 --> 00:15:59,890 Just let him do his thing. 427 00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,025 [Sighs] 428 00:16:01,927 --> 00:16:03,927 Do you know why the Daphnes of the world 429 00:16:03,929 --> 00:16:05,529 always get to pick the music 430 00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:07,815 and the Marshalls pay all the tolls? 431 00:16:07,817 --> 00:16:08,816 Because the Marshalls 432 00:16:08,818 --> 00:16:10,618 are so concerned 433 00:16:10,620 --> 00:16:12,703 with letting everybody do their thing, 434 00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:15,939 and the Daphnes are taking care of Daphne. 435 00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:19,710 You can talk to me about solar or wind or hydro-whatever, 436 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:22,446 but the world is always gonna push you around, Marshall. 437 00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:25,049 Until you learn to go nuclear. 438 00:16:25,051 --> 00:16:28,386 [Tribal Drums Playing] 439 00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:30,304 [Starts Engine] 440 00:16:30,306 --> 00:16:31,946 What are you doing? [Tribal Drums Playing] 441 00:16:34,176 --> 00:16:35,843 Is this real? 442 00:16:35,845 --> 00:16:37,228 Are you doing this? 443 00:16:38,513 --> 00:16:39,847 We need some driving music. 444 00:16:39,849 --> 00:16:40,349 No! 445 00:16:43,853 --> 00:16:44,968 [Sucks Air Through Teeth] 446 00:16:44,970 --> 00:16:48,072 You threw a live grenade into my marriage. 447 00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:51,659 You screwed up my whole world. 448 00:16:51,661 --> 00:16:54,745 So from now on... 449 00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:57,648 we listen to my music. 450 00:16:58,617 --> 00:17:02,152 ♪ But I would walk 500 miles 451 00:17:02,154 --> 00:17:04,488 ♪ And I would walk 500 more... 452 00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:06,257 I hate this song. 453 00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:07,708 Give it time. 454 00:17:09,828 --> 00:17:13,347 Zitch dog, beagle in a Beetle. 455 00:17:13,349 --> 00:17:15,883 Don't let Loretta get to you. 456 00:17:15,885 --> 00:17:19,186 Hey, when your mom gets here, do you want to all go-- 457 00:17:19,188 --> 00:17:22,857 I don't know-- avoid jellyfish? 458 00:17:22,859 --> 00:17:23,724 She's not coming. 459 00:17:23,726 --> 00:17:25,276 What? 460 00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:26,977 I finally got a hold of her. 461 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,012 She, um, never got on the plane. 462 00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:30,564 She was too scared. 463 00:17:31,616 --> 00:17:33,150 She won't be at her daughter's wedding. 464 00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:34,351 [Bell Dings] 465 00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:40,291 ["Try a Little Tenderness" by Otis Redding Playing] 466 00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:42,460 If that is the case... 467 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:45,913 can we tell Barney she's super fat? 468 00:17:45,915 --> 00:17:48,082 It would mean the world to me. 469 00:17:48,084 --> 00:17:49,250 [Chuckles] 470 00:17:49,252 --> 00:17:50,801 Of course. 471 00:17:51,803 --> 00:17:53,220 Oh, here we go. 472 00:17:53,222 --> 00:17:54,588 Listen, Robin... Loretta, 473 00:17:54,590 --> 00:17:57,040 not now. Robin just found out 474 00:17:57,042 --> 00:17:58,709 her mom's not coming to the wedding. 475 00:18:02,647 --> 00:18:03,881 Oh. 476 00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:05,783 Well, uh, okay. 477 00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:07,001 Loretta... 478 00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:08,269 My name's Mom. 479 00:18:08,271 --> 00:18:10,387 Don't you ever call me anything else. 480 00:18:10,389 --> 00:18:11,605 I'm Mom. 481 00:18:11,607 --> 00:18:13,891 Okay. 482 00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:15,092 Mom. 483 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,328 I'm sorry. Sometimes I get... 484 00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:20,498 ...carried away. 485 00:18:23,251 --> 00:18:27,121 Your eggs are great, by the way. 486 00:18:27,123 --> 00:18:28,739 LILY: Oh, mama, 487 00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,508 that was some bad advice. 488 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,759 Thanks, Lil. 489 00:18:32,427 --> 00:18:33,243 But you know what sucks? 490 00:18:33,245 --> 00:18:34,462 When I was at the top 491 00:18:34,464 --> 00:18:35,629 of that lighthouse, 492 00:18:35,631 --> 00:18:37,431 despite everything else... 493 00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:40,384 Wow. It's like traveling back in time. 494 00:18:40,386 --> 00:18:42,520 Just stop talking. 495 00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:43,854 [Sighs] 496 00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,306 ...it was breathtaking. 497 00:18:45,308 --> 00:18:47,591 And I wasted it. 498 00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:49,610 I mean, how many places have I ruined forever 499 00:18:49,612 --> 00:18:51,529 by being there with the wrong girl? 500 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,898 So come back with the right girl. 501 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,783 I don't know. 502 00:18:55,785 --> 00:18:58,068 I'm starting to think a person gets a certain allotment 503 00:18:58,070 --> 00:19:00,771 of lighthouses per lifetime. 504 00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:03,040 And I've used all mine up. 505 00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,876 NARRATOR: And that, kids, is the kind of stupid thing you say 506 00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:08,111 before you've met the person who hits the reset button 507 00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:10,664 on the world, who makes everything new again, 508 00:19:10,666 --> 00:19:12,082 who makes it seem ridiculous 509 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:14,218 that you ever considered settling, 510 00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:16,670 because not two years later... 511 00:19:18,089 --> 00:19:20,290 Look at that. 512 00:19:23,845 --> 00:19:27,014 It's like traveling back in time. 513 00:19:27,016 --> 00:19:30,017 That is exactly what I said. [Chuckles] 514 00:19:30,019 --> 00:19:32,636 Why couldn't it have been you here with me two years ago? 515 00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:34,905 That's probably for the best. 516 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,857 When you vomit, I vomit. 517 00:19:36,859 --> 00:19:38,308 You know that. 518 00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:42,696 [Chuckles] Well, thanks for being here with me now. 519 00:19:42,698 --> 00:19:44,481 Thanks for bringing me. 520 00:19:47,752 --> 00:19:49,820 Wow. 521 00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:53,657 It is just bonkers beautiful here. 522 00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:57,494 I don't know how you could improve on a day like this. 523 00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,435 Well, I'm gonna try. 524 00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:12,560 Whoa. 525 00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:15,563 Will you... 526 00:20:15,565 --> 00:20:16,480 Yes. 527 00:20:16,482 --> 00:20:18,449 You didn't even let me... 528 00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:19,400 Yes. 529 00:20:19,402 --> 00:20:20,684 Marry me? 530 00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:21,819 Yes, yes, yes, yes. 531 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:24,738 Yes, yes... yes. 532 00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:27,041 [Chuckles] 533 00:20:27,043 --> 00:20:31,412 ♪ Just try, try a little tenderness ♪ 534 00:20:31,414 --> 00:20:33,797 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got to 535 00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:36,300 ♪ Know how to love her, man 536 00:20:36,302 --> 00:20:38,302 ♪ Take this advice, man 537 00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:40,554 ♪ You got to squeeze her 538 00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:42,056 ♪ Don't tease her. ♪ 539 00:20:45,672 --> 00:20:48,773 [Inhales Deeply] 540 00:20:48,775 --> 00:20:50,959 [Exhales] 541 00:20:50,984 --> 00:20:55,984 == Sync and Corrected by elderman == @elder_man 542 00:20:57,692 --> 00:20:59,059 Son of a bitch!