1
00:00:00,991 --> 00:00:03,227
NARRATOR: Kids,
Barney's mom had this blouse
2
00:00:03,228 --> 00:00:05,362
that she absolutely loved,
3
00:00:05,364 --> 00:00:07,030
but then Robin won it
in a poker game,
4
00:00:07,032 --> 00:00:09,199
which led
to some slight awkwardness.
5
00:00:09,201 --> 00:00:13,069
You won the battle...
but I'll win the war.
6
00:00:13,071 --> 00:00:14,905
Game on, bitch.
7
00:00:14,907 --> 00:00:18,458
BARNEY: Please, Mom,
I need you to just be cool.
8
00:00:18,460 --> 00:00:20,010
Okay, can you do that for me?
9
00:00:20,012 --> 00:00:21,077
For you, yes.
10
00:00:21,079 --> 00:00:22,578
And for Robin?
11
00:00:22,580 --> 00:00:23,964
[Scoffs]
She's gonna be
12
00:00:23,966 --> 00:00:25,915
your daughter in 33 hours.
13
00:00:25,917 --> 00:00:26,883
Daughter in law.
14
00:00:26,885 --> 00:00:28,134
Making it illegal
15
00:00:28,136 --> 00:00:30,136
for you not
to treat her like a daughter.
16
00:00:30,138 --> 00:00:31,855
In-lawyered.
17
00:00:32,473 --> 00:00:33,756
Please, Mom.
18
00:00:33,758 --> 00:00:36,526
All Robin wants to do is
put this whole thing behind her
19
00:00:36,528 --> 00:00:39,396
so she can get married and
put this whole thing behind her.
20
00:00:39,398 --> 00:00:41,281
Ah! Get-this-over-with-quickly
so-we-can
21
00:00:41,283 --> 00:00:44,200
move-past-how-awkward-it-was
that-I-just-said-that five!
22
00:00:44,202 --> 00:00:46,369
Fine. If Robin's ready
to bury the hatchet,
23
00:00:46,371 --> 00:00:49,039
then I guess
I'm ready to bury the hatchet.
24
00:00:49,041 --> 00:00:51,741
Morning, bitches.
Like my new blouse?
25
00:00:51,743 --> 00:00:53,743
Oh, hell, no!
No, Mom. Mom!
26
00:00:53,745 --> 00:00:54,995
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
27
00:00:58,416 --> 00:01:02,416
♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x08 ♪
The Lighthouse
Original Air Date on November 4, 2013
28
00:01:02,441 --> 00:01:07,441
== Sync and Corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
29
00:01:07,642 --> 00:01:09,959
NARRATOR: Kids, not far
from the Farhampton Inn,
30
00:01:09,961 --> 00:01:10,977
there's a lighthouse.
31
00:01:10,979 --> 00:01:12,795
It's a really special place,
32
00:01:12,797 --> 00:01:15,432
and that morning
I wanted to see it for myself.
33
00:01:15,434 --> 00:01:16,683
There was just one problem.
34
00:01:16,685 --> 00:01:18,968
Look, I'm sorry, Ted, but-but
35
00:01:18,970 --> 00:01:21,637
I can't in good faith send
a lonely guy like yourself
36
00:01:21,639 --> 00:01:23,823
to the top
of a very romantic,
37
00:01:23,825 --> 00:01:26,743
and more to the point,
a very tall lighthouse.
38
00:01:26,745 --> 00:01:28,644
[Whistles, Blows Raspberry]
39
00:01:28,646 --> 00:01:31,114
I don't want your blood
on my hands,
40
00:01:31,116 --> 00:01:34,117
and I mean that literally,
because it would be my job to...
41
00:01:34,119 --> 00:01:36,169
to hose down the rocks.
42
00:01:36,171 --> 00:01:38,505
NARRATOR:
Now, late the night before,
43
00:01:38,507 --> 00:01:41,257
thanks to Marshall's
travel companion, Daphne,
44
00:01:41,259 --> 00:01:44,010
Lily had received
some unsettling news.
45
00:01:44,012 --> 00:01:45,578
I'm gonna be a judge.
46
00:01:45,580 --> 00:01:47,881
NARRATOR: Screwing up their
whole plan to move to Italy.
47
00:01:47,883 --> 00:01:49,165
She wasn't happy.
48
00:01:49,167 --> 00:01:50,800
Yes, I'm in a rotten mood.
49
00:01:50,802 --> 00:01:52,218
No, I don't want
to talk about it.
50
00:01:52,220 --> 00:01:53,787
Yes, this has
booze in it.
51
00:01:53,789 --> 00:01:55,271
No, it's not
my first.
52
00:01:55,273 --> 00:01:57,640
You want to make this brunch
a drunch?
53
00:01:57,642 --> 00:01:59,809
You do you, I'm not gonna judge.
54
00:02:01,278 --> 00:02:02,345
I'm gonna be a judge.
55
00:02:02,347 --> 00:02:04,064
Judge.
56
00:02:05,733 --> 00:02:08,535
Thank you, Linus.
57
00:02:08,537 --> 00:02:09,953
NARRATOR:
As for Marshall and Daphne,
58
00:02:09,955 --> 00:02:11,521
they got caught
in that big storm.
59
00:02:11,523 --> 00:02:13,873
Luckily, they had a place
to crash for the night.
60
00:02:13,875 --> 00:02:15,825
My childhood home.
61
00:02:15,827 --> 00:02:19,245
Okay, that sign
might not have been there.
62
00:02:19,247 --> 00:02:21,831
Thank you so much for letting
us stay the night, Mrs. Mosby.
63
00:02:21,833 --> 00:02:22,966
Oh, it's our pleasure.
64
00:02:22,968 --> 00:02:25,001
I'm just glad that storm has passed.
Oh.
65
00:02:25,003 --> 00:02:27,354
But there's one storm
that hasn't passed,
66
00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:29,372
isn't there, Marshall?
67
00:02:29,374 --> 00:02:31,057
Hey, Clint.
68
00:02:31,059 --> 00:02:33,042
CLINT: You know what I'm talking
about, don't you, Marshall?
69
00:02:33,044 --> 00:02:34,394
I'm talking about the one
that's been raining
70
00:02:34,396 --> 00:02:37,981
cats and dogs all over
this-this, this friendship.
71
00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:39,265
This isn't a friendship.
72
00:02:39,267 --> 00:02:40,767
Oh.
73
00:02:40,769 --> 00:02:42,718
Nice.
74
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,488
We're reluctant
travel companions.
75
00:02:45,490 --> 00:02:46,856
Well, little known fact
about me.
76
00:02:46,858 --> 00:02:48,108
I'm an almost-graduate
77
00:02:48,110 --> 00:02:51,194
of the Conflict Resolution
program over at... at Tri-C.
78
00:02:51,196 --> 00:02:54,280
I even had my own practice
at Van Aken Plaza
79
00:02:54,282 --> 00:02:55,565
before the manager
of the Wendy's
80
00:02:55,567 --> 00:02:57,467
made me stop hogging the booth.
81
00:02:57,469 --> 00:03:00,120
The point is,
I can fix this.
82
00:03:00,122 --> 00:03:01,704
Oh, I don't know, Clint.
83
00:03:01,706 --> 00:03:03,039
[Strums Upbeat Melody]
84
00:03:03,041 --> 00:03:05,125
♪ Gonna resolve some conflicts
85
00:03:05,127 --> 00:03:06,626
♪ Gonna resolve
some conflicts ♪
86
00:03:06,628 --> 00:03:09,245
♪ Gonna make
a deeper understanding ♪
87
00:03:09,247 --> 00:03:10,797
♪ Through mediation.
88
00:03:10,799 --> 00:03:12,766
Okay, you know what?
We have to hit the road.
89
00:03:12,768 --> 00:03:16,252
But, um, Mrs. Mosby, do you
mind if I take this mug?
90
00:03:16,254 --> 00:03:17,937
I would very much like
91
00:03:17,939 --> 00:03:20,056
to make fun of Ted
next time I see him.
92
00:03:20,058 --> 00:03:21,257
Of course.
93
00:03:21,259 --> 00:03:22,809
You know, when Ted was seven,
94
00:03:22,811 --> 00:03:25,562
he and his best friend
took this Wild West photo
95
00:03:25,564 --> 00:03:26,863
together at Geauga Lake.
96
00:03:26,865 --> 00:03:28,381
I could go look for it.
97
00:03:28,383 --> 00:03:29,732
We really should get going.
98
00:03:29,734 --> 00:03:30,934
His best friend was a balloon.
99
00:03:30,935 --> 00:03:32,068
What's a few more minutes?
100
00:03:32,070 --> 00:03:34,103
Yeah, you're gonna want that.
101
00:03:34,105 --> 00:03:36,573
So... what's everyone
doing this morning?
102
00:03:36,575 --> 00:03:39,108
Oh, well, I kind of feel
like playing some tennis.
103
00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:40,577
Maybe we should reserve a court.
104
00:03:40,579 --> 00:03:42,045
Court.
105
00:03:44,415 --> 00:03:46,733
Thank you, Linus.
106
00:03:46,735 --> 00:03:48,751
Pancakes and eggs, Robin?
107
00:03:48,753 --> 00:03:51,954
I guess that blouse won't be
loose and flowy for long.
108
00:03:51,956 --> 00:03:52,788
Mom...
109
00:03:52,790 --> 00:03:53,890
Keep talking, Loretta.
110
00:03:53,892 --> 00:03:56,176
I've been waiting
all morning to...
111
00:03:56,178 --> 00:03:57,960
ketchup.
112
00:03:57,962 --> 00:03:59,395
Oops.
113
00:03:59,397 --> 00:04:03,149
You're not supposed to put
ketchup on scrambled eggs.
114
00:04:03,151 --> 00:04:04,934
Right, Loretta, because
115
00:04:04,936 --> 00:04:07,470
you're the queen
of scrambled eggs.
116
00:04:07,472 --> 00:04:08,304
BARNEY:
Actually, that's
117
00:04:08,306 --> 00:04:09,772
exactly what she is.
118
00:04:09,774 --> 00:04:10,940
When Mom was
119
00:04:10,942 --> 00:04:12,308
a groupie in the '70s,
120
00:04:12,310 --> 00:04:15,745
her scrambled eggs made her the
darling of the MSG loading dock.
121
00:04:15,747 --> 00:04:18,198
Lot of songs written
about those scrambled eggs.
122
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:19,982
ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs"?
123
00:04:19,984 --> 00:04:21,701
Originally "She's Got Eggs."
124
00:04:21,703 --> 00:04:22,585
Led Zeppelin?
125
00:04:22,587 --> 00:04:23,920
"Scramble On."
126
00:04:23,922 --> 00:04:25,205
Steve Miller?
127
00:04:25,207 --> 00:04:26,623
"The Yolker."
128
00:04:26,625 --> 00:04:28,842
If you listen to Pink Floyd's
Dark Side of the Moon
129
00:04:28,844 --> 00:04:31,961
while eating her eggs,
it lines up perfectly.
130
00:04:31,963 --> 00:04:35,431
While I'm sure it was
your mother's cooking skills
131
00:04:35,433 --> 00:04:39,102
that made her so popular with
Zed Zed Top and their ilk,
132
00:04:39,104 --> 00:04:40,687
I know for a fact
133
00:04:40,689 --> 00:04:43,356
that she does not make
the best scrambled eggs.
134
00:04:43,358 --> 00:04:46,693
Because my mom makes
the best scrambled eggs.
135
00:04:46,695 --> 00:04:48,361
[Gasps]
136
00:04:48,363 --> 00:04:50,346
NARRATOR: Kids, we've known
your Aunt Robin
137
00:04:50,348 --> 00:04:52,115
for eight years at that point,
138
00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:54,284
and here's what we knew
about her mom.
139
00:04:54,286 --> 00:04:55,451
My mom is terrified
of flying.
140
00:04:55,453 --> 00:04:57,070
[Bell Dings]
141
00:04:57,072 --> 00:04:59,072
My mom got stung
by a jellyfish.
142
00:04:59,074 --> 00:05:00,406
[Bell Dings]
143
00:05:00,408 --> 00:05:01,908
My mom makes
the best scrambled eggs.
144
00:05:01,910 --> 00:05:03,042
[Bell Dings]
145
00:05:03,044 --> 00:05:05,228
NARRATOR:
And... that's everything.
146
00:05:05,230 --> 00:05:07,463
In fact, she should be here
any minute.
147
00:05:07,465 --> 00:05:08,631
Barney,
148
00:05:08,633 --> 00:05:10,533
maybe she can cook you
some real scrambled eggs
149
00:05:10,535 --> 00:05:12,368
so you can see what
you've been missing.
150
00:05:12,370 --> 00:05:14,554
Don't do this, Robin.
You can't win the egg war.
151
00:05:14,556 --> 00:05:16,389
Canadian scrambled eggs,
how quaint.
152
00:05:16,391 --> 00:05:18,541
Does your mom put maple syrup
on them?
153
00:05:18,543 --> 00:05:20,543
Ha, ha, ha,
this is all very friendly.
154
00:05:20,545 --> 00:05:21,877
[Whispering]:
Get out of this now.
155
00:05:21,879 --> 00:05:24,647
Why not? We put maple syrup
on everything else.
156
00:05:26,317 --> 00:05:27,400
BARNEY:
Aw.
157
00:05:27,402 --> 00:05:29,769
That's it!
158
00:05:29,771 --> 00:05:32,021
We need your omelet station.
159
00:05:32,023 --> 00:05:35,525
My son's fiancée is
about to get served...
160
00:05:35,527 --> 00:05:37,744
some delicious
scrambled eggs.
161
00:05:37,746 --> 00:05:41,030
Or I could go out to the
driveway and eat some gravel.
162
00:05:41,032 --> 00:05:42,165
[Soft Grunt]
163
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:44,534
Wait. Sorry.
Did you say gravel or gavel?
164
00:05:44,536 --> 00:05:45,868
Gravel. Why would
I say gavel?
165
00:05:45,870 --> 00:05:47,203
Gavel.
166
00:05:48,088 --> 00:05:51,124
[Sighs]
167
00:05:51,126 --> 00:05:52,258
Thank you, Linus.
168
00:05:52,260 --> 00:05:54,127
Curtis, can I please
169
00:05:54,129 --> 00:05:56,296
have a map to the lighthouse?
170
00:05:56,298 --> 00:05:58,214
It's a very romantic lighthouse.
171
00:05:58,216 --> 00:05:59,415
I can't even have a map?
172
00:05:59,417 --> 00:06:01,551
It's a very romantic map.
173
00:06:01,553 --> 00:06:03,386
I can't let you go
without a date.
174
00:06:03,388 --> 00:06:04,804
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
175
00:06:04,806 --> 00:06:07,307
What happened to that girl Cassie?
Cassie?
176
00:06:07,309 --> 00:06:09,058
NARRATOR:
Cassie was the girl I'd spent
177
00:06:09,060 --> 00:06:10,926
the entire previous night
consoling.
178
00:06:10,928 --> 00:06:14,147
Just consoling.
179
00:06:14,149 --> 00:06:15,064
Yeah, that's not happening.
180
00:06:15,066 --> 00:06:17,116
NARRATOR:
And then, in her anger,
181
00:06:17,118 --> 00:06:18,934
Lily gave me a piece of advice
182
00:06:18,936 --> 00:06:20,453
about which
she would later say...
183
00:06:20,455 --> 00:06:23,656
Oh, mama, that was
some bad advice.
184
00:06:23,658 --> 00:06:25,458
Okay, here's why
you're an idiot.
185
00:06:25,460 --> 00:06:27,660
Did you find
Cassie attractive?
186
00:06:27,662 --> 00:06:30,946
I guess.
Is she a relatively normal height?
187
00:06:30,948 --> 00:06:33,949
Yeah.
So end up with her already.
188
00:06:33,951 --> 00:06:35,918
God, do you really think
189
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,953
that you're gonna find
some perfect girl
190
00:06:37,955 --> 00:06:41,224
who checks off every
item on your list?
191
00:06:41,226 --> 00:06:42,642
Well, not every item.
192
00:06:42,644 --> 00:06:45,011
I mean, she doesn't have
to share my love for coins.
193
00:06:45,013 --> 00:06:47,397
Although it would
be nice, just once,
194
00:06:47,399 --> 00:06:50,800
not to have to go stag
to Coin-Con.
195
00:06:50,802 --> 00:06:53,236
Pull your head out
of your ass, Mosby.
196
00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:56,138
Do you think Marshall
always makes me happy?
197
00:06:56,140 --> 00:06:59,409
I mean, sometimes being
with him is a real trial.
198
00:06:59,411 --> 00:07:01,444
Real trial.
199
00:07:01,446 --> 00:07:02,462
Huh.
200
00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:04,247
Did it to myself that time.
201
00:07:04,249 --> 00:07:07,817
Look, Ted, it's
time to settle.
202
00:07:07,819 --> 00:07:09,952
Take this normal-sized chick
up to the lighthouse
203
00:07:09,954 --> 00:07:11,337
and fall in love with her
204
00:07:11,339 --> 00:07:15,041
and quit bothering us with
your dumb love life stuff.
205
00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:18,327
God, I am so sick of being
smarter than everyone else.
206
00:07:19,797 --> 00:07:20,797
You're slipping, Linus.
207
00:07:20,799 --> 00:07:23,299
We're running
out of glasses.
208
00:07:29,306 --> 00:07:32,058
Do you want to just go
to the stupid lighthouse?
209
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:34,110
Ooh, zitch dog.
210
00:07:34,112 --> 00:07:35,728
Cocker spaniel in the Jetta.
211
00:07:35,730 --> 00:07:37,947
That's Marshall
Eriksen-- 28,
212
00:07:37,949 --> 00:07:39,014
Daphne-- zero.
213
00:07:39,016 --> 00:07:40,817
For the 28th time,
214
00:07:40,819 --> 00:07:43,036
I'm not playing
your stupid game!
215
00:07:43,038 --> 00:07:44,454
Oh, stupid, huh?
216
00:07:44,456 --> 00:07:45,521
That's great.
217
00:07:45,523 --> 00:07:47,540
I guess Daphne gets
to pick the music
218
00:07:47,542 --> 00:07:50,025
and crap all over
my fun road-trip games.
219
00:07:50,027 --> 00:07:52,295
[Sighs] You know, maybe
Clint was right.
220
00:07:52,297 --> 00:07:54,464
Maybe we do need
conflict resolution.
221
00:07:54,466 --> 00:07:55,665
I knew you guys
would come around.
222
00:07:55,667 --> 00:07:58,668
[Daphne and Marshall Screaming]
223
00:07:59,273 --> 00:08:01,941
NARRATOR: And so I made up my mind
to settle for Cassie.
224
00:08:02,163 --> 00:08:04,997
So, um, what kind
of music do you like?
225
00:08:04,999 --> 00:08:07,866
Hmm... nothing.
226
00:08:09,970 --> 00:08:11,721
NARRATOR:
Still, I felt optimistic.
227
00:08:11,723 --> 00:08:13,806
After all,
Cassie was cute and single
228
00:08:13,808 --> 00:08:16,309
and heck, it's not like
the universe was telling us
229
00:08:16,311 --> 00:08:17,710
we shouldn't be together.
230
00:08:22,766 --> 00:08:25,318
Here we are. Enjoy.
231
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,719
Remember: happy wife,
happy life.
232
00:08:26,721 --> 00:08:28,020
Pretend
they're just okay.
233
00:08:28,022 --> 00:08:31,273
Please, Lily,
I think I can manage to...
234
00:08:32,192 --> 00:08:34,160
Oh, my God.
235
00:08:34,162 --> 00:08:35,361
I'm eight years
old again,
236
00:08:35,363 --> 00:08:36,712
and life is perfect,
237
00:08:36,714 --> 00:08:39,148
and I haven't peed my shorts
in front of 350 Webelos
238
00:08:39,150 --> 00:08:41,884
at the Pinewood Derby Regionals
in Wheeling, West Virginia.
239
00:08:41,886 --> 00:08:43,052
I'm sorry, Robin.
240
00:08:43,054 --> 00:08:44,387
What do you think, Lily?
241
00:08:44,389 --> 00:08:47,039
Oh, my God,
they are so delicious.
242
00:08:47,041 --> 00:08:49,408
Even more delicious than
finding out Barney peed himself
243
00:08:49,410 --> 00:08:52,294
at the Pinewood Derby Regionals
in Wheeling, West Virginia.
244
00:08:52,296 --> 00:08:53,846
I'm sorry, Robin.
245
00:08:53,848 --> 00:08:54,764
Mmm.
Come on,
246
00:08:54,766 --> 00:08:55,848
they can't be
that good.
247
00:08:55,850 --> 00:08:57,633
Oh!
248
00:08:57,635 --> 00:08:59,552
Excuse me, Mrs. Stinson,
some of our guests
249
00:08:59,554 --> 00:09:01,253
smelled your scrambled eggs
and were wondering
250
00:09:01,255 --> 00:09:03,522
if you could make some
for them as well.
251
00:09:03,524 --> 00:09:05,090
[Laughing]:
Oh, I don't think I should...
252
00:09:05,092 --> 00:09:08,361
[Crowd Chanting]: Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!
Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!
253
00:09:08,363 --> 00:09:09,812
Eggs! Eggs!
[Sighs]
254
00:09:09,814 --> 00:09:11,280
Clint, what are
you doing here?
255
00:09:11,282 --> 00:09:14,066
What the Ohio State Board of
Holistic Medicine has repeatedly
256
00:09:14,068 --> 00:09:17,286
told me I'm in no way qualified
to do: my job.
257
00:09:17,288 --> 00:09:20,439
When I see a conflict
needs resolving, I must act.
258
00:09:20,441 --> 00:09:22,375
Plus, Ted's mom wanted me out
of the house.
259
00:09:22,377 --> 00:09:24,710
So, today, we're gonna build
a new paradigm
260
00:09:24,712 --> 00:09:26,245
of understanding,
261
00:09:26,247 --> 00:09:29,048
and then you're gonna swoop me
on back to Shaker Heights.
262
00:09:29,050 --> 00:09:30,082
Oh, I need to stop
263
00:09:30,084 --> 00:09:31,550
at Record Rev on Coventry.
264
00:09:31,552 --> 00:09:32,835
My vaporizer's ready.
265
00:09:32,837 --> 00:09:34,503
Marshall, pull over
and dump this hippie
266
00:09:34,505 --> 00:09:35,921
on the side of the road.
267
00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:37,122
I can't do that.
268
00:09:37,124 --> 00:09:38,891
CLINT: ♪ Gonna resolve
some conflicts ♪
269
00:09:38,893 --> 00:09:40,559
♪ Gonna resolve some conflicts
270
00:09:40,561 --> 00:09:41,960
Daphne picks the music.
271
00:09:41,962 --> 00:09:43,295
♪ Gonna end this argument
272
00:09:43,297 --> 00:09:45,014
♪ Between Marshall
and his mistress. ♪
273
00:09:45,016 --> 00:09:46,899
Oh, come on.
Daphne picks the music!
274
00:09:46,901 --> 00:09:49,735
Ow! Stupid racecar!
275
00:09:49,737 --> 00:09:51,904
This is why children
should not have toys!
276
00:09:51,906 --> 00:09:53,906
Look, maybe this lighthouse
thing isn't such a good idea.
277
00:09:53,908 --> 00:09:55,074
No, you don't.
278
00:09:55,575 --> 00:09:56,809
You committed,
279
00:09:56,811 --> 00:09:58,944
and so did I, so let's go.
280
00:09:59,863 --> 00:10:01,914
Oh. Ow! Oh!
281
00:10:01,916 --> 00:10:03,783
Actually, it's feeling better.
[Laughs]
282
00:10:03,785 --> 00:10:05,284
Ow! Oh! No, it's not.
283
00:10:05,286 --> 00:10:07,286
Oh. [Whimpering]
284
00:10:07,288 --> 00:10:09,088
Mom, I don't know
why your phone is off.
285
00:10:09,090 --> 00:10:11,290
Maybe you left your charger
in the pickup truck.
286
00:10:11,292 --> 00:10:12,541
[Bell Dings]
287
00:10:12,543 --> 00:10:14,343
But I need you to get here
as fast possible.
288
00:10:14,345 --> 00:10:15,428
I know
you're probably gonna want
289
00:10:15,430 --> 00:10:16,829
to take a hot bath
when you get in.
290
00:10:16,831 --> 00:10:17,546
[Bell Dings]
291
00:10:17,548 --> 00:10:18,764
She fits in a bathtub.
292
00:10:18,766 --> 00:10:20,683
That's good news. Unless...
293
00:10:20,685 --> 00:10:22,701
Oh, God, how big are
Canadian bathtubs?
294
00:10:22,703 --> 00:10:24,854
[Bell Dings]
LORETTA: People ever line up
295
00:10:24,856 --> 00:10:26,105
like this for your mom's eggs?
296
00:10:26,107 --> 00:10:30,192
Loretta, even I could make
better eggs than this.
297
00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:31,944
Oh, I'd love it
if you'd come teach me
298
00:10:31,946 --> 00:10:33,145
how to make scrambled eggs.
299
00:10:33,147 --> 00:10:34,947
It's a scramble-off,
everybody!
300
00:10:34,949 --> 00:10:37,032
A scramble-off
to the death!
301
00:10:37,034 --> 00:10:39,318
Someone go watch
for the cops!
302
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,403
Maybe we should have read up
on this town
303
00:10:41,405 --> 00:10:43,539
before booking our wedding.
304
00:10:43,541 --> 00:10:46,459
Let's do some,
"When you... I feel."
305
00:10:46,461 --> 00:10:47,860
All right, for example,
306
00:10:47,862 --> 00:10:51,163
when you don't
do trust falls,
307
00:10:51,165 --> 00:10:55,217
I feel like you
should do trust falls.
308
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:57,837
So just do the
damn trust falls.
309
00:10:57,839 --> 00:10:58,871
I'm driving a car, Clint.
310
00:10:58,873 --> 00:11:00,306
Okay,
311
00:11:00,308 --> 00:11:03,175
uh, Daphne, when you say
"Drill, baby, drill"
312
00:11:03,177 --> 00:11:06,061
every time
that we pass a gas station,
313
00:11:06,063 --> 00:11:08,013
I feel invalidated.
314
00:11:08,015 --> 00:11:10,516
Marshall, when you talk,
I feel shut up!
315
00:11:10,518 --> 00:11:12,384
That's very good, both of you.
316
00:11:12,386 --> 00:11:14,236
Really? Both of us?
317
00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:16,438
Name one energy
that's better than oil.
318
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:17,990
Wind, solar, hydroelectric.
319
00:11:17,992 --> 00:11:19,575
You see what I've been dealing
with, Clint?
320
00:11:19,577 --> 00:11:21,861
♪ The sticky petroleum
clings... ♪
321
00:11:21,863 --> 00:11:23,028
Please not now, Clint.
322
00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:25,731
♪ To the pelican's
broken wings ♪
323
00:11:25,733 --> 00:11:29,668
♪ Hey, Mr. Oilman,
what have you done... ♪
324
00:11:29,670 --> 00:11:31,570
Stop, stop, stop, please.
Enough! Clint,
325
00:11:31,572 --> 00:11:33,372
[Marvin Crying] I'm tired of your beard
and I'm tired
326
00:11:33,374 --> 00:11:35,541
of this stupid therapy session.
And I'm tired
327
00:11:35,543 --> 00:11:39,077
of the way that your songs have
a-a laxative effect on Marvin!
328
00:11:39,079 --> 00:11:41,079
And on me. Every time
Clint starts singing,
329
00:11:41,081 --> 00:11:42,848
I just got to go.
Yeah.
330
00:11:42,850 --> 00:11:46,752
It's like, uh, the only
trust fall when you sing
331
00:11:46,754 --> 00:11:50,723
is that I "trust"
that a piece of poop
332
00:11:50,725 --> 00:11:54,276
is gonna "fall" out
of my son's butt.
333
00:11:54,278 --> 00:11:55,778
[Laughs]
334
00:11:55,780 --> 00:11:58,063
Hey, Clint, how about that?
335
00:11:58,065 --> 00:11:59,732
You got us to agree on something.
Yeah.
336
00:11:59,734 --> 00:12:02,651
We both think you're a loser.
[Laughs]
337
00:12:02,653 --> 00:12:04,770
This therapy works.
338
00:12:04,772 --> 00:12:06,155
No!
339
00:12:06,157 --> 00:12:08,123
That is not the way
therapy works at all!
340
00:12:08,125 --> 00:12:10,108
Do you think this is
some kind of a joke?!
341
00:12:10,110 --> 00:12:11,744
This is my career!
342
00:12:11,746 --> 00:12:14,663
I will not go back to
coaching the Browns!
343
00:12:14,665 --> 00:12:15,664
Why can't people take
344
00:12:15,666 --> 00:12:17,082
what I do seriously?!
345
00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:20,085
God!
[Grunting]
346
00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:22,454
[Marvin Crying]
347
00:12:22,456 --> 00:12:24,723
[Strained]:
Oh, my God. One more.
348
00:12:24,725 --> 00:12:27,893
Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, my God.
349
00:12:27,895 --> 00:12:30,312
[Panting]
350
00:12:30,314 --> 00:12:33,649
God, that was a lot of stairs.
I'm exhausted.
351
00:12:33,651 --> 00:12:35,634
My chest is on fire.
352
00:12:35,636 --> 00:12:36,986
Oh.
353
00:12:36,988 --> 00:12:41,073
Ooh! So, Mr. Arch-itect,
354
00:12:41,075 --> 00:12:42,825
what do we do now?
355
00:12:42,827 --> 00:12:45,411
Fall in love or something?
356
00:12:45,413 --> 00:12:47,496
NARRATOR: And, kids, as I stood
on that lighthouse
357
00:12:47,498 --> 00:12:50,816
and looked at that girl, I felt
something happen inside me,
358
00:12:50,818 --> 00:12:53,335
something that had only
happened one other time
359
00:12:53,337 --> 00:12:55,254
in my entire adult life.
360
00:12:55,256 --> 00:12:57,339
[Retches]
361
00:12:57,341 --> 00:12:59,041
ROBIN:
Okay, scrambled eggs.
362
00:12:59,043 --> 00:13:00,843
Here we go.
363
00:13:00,845 --> 00:13:03,145
Where is the egg opener?
364
00:13:04,514 --> 00:13:07,332
Never mind. I'll pre-scramble
them. It's fine.
365
00:13:08,385 --> 00:13:11,003
Okay, fine, Loretta.
You know what? You win.
366
00:13:11,005 --> 00:13:11,837
I don't
know how
367
00:13:11,839 --> 00:13:14,006
to cook egg.
368
00:13:14,008 --> 00:13:15,941
If you don't even know how
to make scrambled eggs,
369
00:13:15,943 --> 00:13:17,342
I just worry what
kind of breakfast
370
00:13:17,344 --> 00:13:19,979
you're gonna be serving
my grandchildren.
371
00:13:19,981 --> 00:13:21,780
Well, lucky you
372
00:13:21,782 --> 00:13:25,234
because that is one thing you
won't ever have to worry about.
373
00:13:33,243 --> 00:13:36,462
Mom, Robin
can't have kids.
374
00:13:39,247 --> 00:13:42,888
Every single job I take on,
it's always the same!
375
00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:45,473
"The coffee maker has to stay
in the office, Clint!"
376
00:13:45,475 --> 00:13:49,477
"You still have to wear pants
on Casual Friday, Clint!"
377
00:13:49,479 --> 00:13:50,311
"We didn't
378
00:13:50,313 --> 00:13:51,562
hire you, Clint!"
379
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:52,963
Well, God,
I'm-I'm...
380
00:13:52,965 --> 00:13:54,465
I'm just sick of it. I'm si...
381
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:57,801
Ow. Ow. Oh, I can hear
my blood right now.
382
00:13:57,803 --> 00:13:59,937
I'm having an attack.
I'm having a blood attack.
383
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,105
A blood attack?
384
00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:02,440
Yeah. Pull over. I need...
I-I need to meditate.
385
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:05,243
I got to get my heart rate down.
I'll... Ow! Pull over.
386
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:07,411
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Pull over!
387
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:10,281
Zitch dog, Labradoodle
in a Ford Fusion! Ow!
388
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,782
God...
389
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,918
Robin can't have kids?
390
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,620
But you always wanted children.
391
00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:17,555
No, I always liked children.
392
00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:21,225
I've always wanted a Lamborghini
where there's a hot tub inside.
393
00:14:21,227 --> 00:14:23,377
God, I wish that existed.
394
00:14:23,379 --> 00:14:25,263
So no grandkids.
395
00:14:26,048 --> 00:14:27,431
How long have you known
about this?
396
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:29,467
I found out last fall.
397
00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:31,636
Robin and I had been
hanging out downtown
398
00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:34,322
at this very cool secret bar.
399
00:14:34,324 --> 00:14:37,608
[Dance Music Playing]
What a lovely place!
400
00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,727
Have you ever had
sushi that fresh?
401
00:14:39,729 --> 00:14:42,446
Okay, I am never getting
on a mechanical bull again.
402
00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:43,614
[Chuckles]
403
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:46,534
I can't believe Marshall
and Lily missed out.
404
00:14:46,536 --> 00:14:49,070
Promise me,
if you ever have kids,
405
00:14:49,072 --> 00:14:51,038
you'll sometimes get
a babysitter
406
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:52,856
and come have an epic night.
407
00:14:52,858 --> 00:14:56,494
Oh, and, P.S., bring the
babysitter, she sounds dirty.
408
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,529
Actually, I, uh,
I can't have kids,
409
00:14:58,531 --> 00:15:00,081
so that's not an issue.
410
00:15:01,250 --> 00:15:02,533
Really?
411
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:03,867
Yeah.
412
00:15:12,594 --> 00:15:15,146
Is it weird
that I'm hugging you like this?
413
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:19,400
No, it's not weird.
414
00:15:22,971 --> 00:15:26,223
Now it's weird. Mm-hmm.
Yep, the rain makes it weird.
415
00:15:26,225 --> 00:15:29,610
Mom, I'm not marrying
some future possibility
416
00:15:29,612 --> 00:15:31,228
of starting a family.
417
00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:33,497
I'm marrying a girl.
418
00:15:34,416 --> 00:15:37,168
Who means more to me than kids.
419
00:15:37,786 --> 00:15:39,420
Or my career.
420
00:15:39,422 --> 00:15:42,290
Or even the Lambor-cuzzi,
patent pending.
421
00:15:43,258 --> 00:15:45,509
So please...
422
00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:47,628
...be nice to her?
423
00:15:50,165 --> 00:15:52,667
DAPHNE:
This is ridiculous.
424
00:15:52,669 --> 00:15:54,201
Get out there
and drag Clint's
425
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:57,305
downward-facing ass back in here
so we can get going.
426
00:15:57,307 --> 00:15:59,890
Just let him do his thing.
427
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:01,025
[Sighs]
428
00:16:01,927 --> 00:16:03,927
Do you know why
the Daphnes of the world
429
00:16:03,929 --> 00:16:05,529
always get to pick the music
430
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:07,815
and the Marshalls pay
all the tolls?
431
00:16:07,817 --> 00:16:08,816
Because
the Marshalls
432
00:16:08,818 --> 00:16:10,618
are so concerned
433
00:16:10,620 --> 00:16:12,703
with letting everybody
do their thing,
434
00:16:12,705 --> 00:16:15,939
and the Daphnes
are taking care of Daphne.
435
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:19,710
You can talk to me about solar
or wind or hydro-whatever,
436
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:22,446
but the world is always gonna
push you around, Marshall.
437
00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:25,049
Until you learn
to go nuclear.
438
00:16:25,051 --> 00:16:28,386
[Tribal Drums Playing]
439
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:30,304
[Starts Engine]
440
00:16:30,306 --> 00:16:31,946
What are you doing?
[Tribal Drums Playing]
441
00:16:34,176 --> 00:16:35,843
Is this real?
442
00:16:35,845 --> 00:16:37,228
Are you doing this?
443
00:16:38,513 --> 00:16:39,847
We need some driving music.
444
00:16:39,849 --> 00:16:40,349
No!
445
00:16:43,853 --> 00:16:44,968
[Sucks Air Through Teeth]
446
00:16:44,970 --> 00:16:48,072
You threw a live grenade
into my marriage.
447
00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:51,659
You screwed up my whole world.
448
00:16:51,661 --> 00:16:54,745
So from now on...
449
00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:57,648
we listen to my music.
450
00:16:58,617 --> 00:17:02,152
♪ But I would walk 500 miles
451
00:17:02,154 --> 00:17:04,488
♪ And I would walk 500 more...
452
00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:06,257
I hate this song.
453
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:07,708
Give it time.
454
00:17:09,828 --> 00:17:13,347
Zitch dog, beagle
in a Beetle.
455
00:17:13,349 --> 00:17:15,883
Don't let Loretta
get to you.
456
00:17:15,885 --> 00:17:19,186
Hey, when your mom gets here,
do you want to all go--
457
00:17:19,188 --> 00:17:22,857
I don't know--
avoid jellyfish?
458
00:17:22,859 --> 00:17:23,724
She's not coming.
459
00:17:23,726 --> 00:17:25,276
What?
460
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:26,977
I finally got a hold of her.
461
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,012
She, um, never got on the plane.
462
00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:30,564
She was too scared.
463
00:17:31,616 --> 00:17:33,150
She won't be
at her daughter's wedding.
464
00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:34,351
[Bell Dings]
465
00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:40,291
["Try a Little Tenderness"
by Otis Redding Playing]
466
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:42,460
If that is the case...
467
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:45,913
can we tell Barney
she's super fat?
468
00:17:45,915 --> 00:17:48,082
It would mean the world to me.
469
00:17:48,084 --> 00:17:49,250
[Chuckles]
470
00:17:49,252 --> 00:17:50,801
Of course.
471
00:17:51,803 --> 00:17:53,220
Oh, here we go.
472
00:17:53,222 --> 00:17:54,588
Listen, Robin...
Loretta,
473
00:17:54,590 --> 00:17:57,040
not now. Robin just found out
474
00:17:57,042 --> 00:17:58,709
her mom's not coming
to the wedding.
475
00:18:02,647 --> 00:18:03,881
Oh.
476
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:05,783
Well, uh, okay.
477
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:07,001
Loretta...
478
00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:08,269
My name's Mom.
479
00:18:08,271 --> 00:18:10,387
Don't you ever call me
anything else.
480
00:18:10,389 --> 00:18:11,605
I'm Mom.
481
00:18:11,607 --> 00:18:13,891
Okay.
482
00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:15,092
Mom.
483
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,328
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I get...
484
00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:20,498
...carried away.
485
00:18:23,251 --> 00:18:27,121
Your eggs are great, by the way.
486
00:18:27,123 --> 00:18:28,739
LILY:
Oh, mama,
487
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,508
that was some bad advice.
488
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,759
Thanks, Lil.
489
00:18:32,427 --> 00:18:33,243
But you know what sucks?
490
00:18:33,245 --> 00:18:34,462
When I was
at the top
491
00:18:34,464 --> 00:18:35,629
of that lighthouse,
492
00:18:35,631 --> 00:18:37,431
despite everything else...
493
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:40,384
Wow. It's like traveling
back in time.
494
00:18:40,386 --> 00:18:42,520
Just stop talking.
495
00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:43,854
[Sighs]
496
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,306
...it was breathtaking.
497
00:18:45,308 --> 00:18:47,591
And I wasted it.
498
00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:49,610
I mean, how many places
have I ruined forever
499
00:18:49,612 --> 00:18:51,529
by being there
with the wrong girl?
500
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,898
So come back
with the right girl.
501
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,783
I don't know.
502
00:18:55,785 --> 00:18:58,068
I'm starting to think a person
gets a certain allotment
503
00:18:58,070 --> 00:19:00,771
of lighthouses per lifetime.
504
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:03,040
And I've used all mine up.
505
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,876
NARRATOR: And that, kids, is the kind
of stupid thing you say
506
00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:08,111
before you've met the person
who hits the reset button
507
00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:10,664
on the world,
who makes everything new again,
508
00:19:10,666 --> 00:19:12,082
who makes it seem ridiculous
509
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:14,218
that you ever considered
settling,
510
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:16,670
because not two years later...
511
00:19:18,089 --> 00:19:20,290
Look at that.
512
00:19:23,845 --> 00:19:27,014
It's like traveling
back in time.
513
00:19:27,016 --> 00:19:30,017
That is exactly what I said.
[Chuckles]
514
00:19:30,019 --> 00:19:32,636
Why couldn't it have been you
here with me two years ago?
515
00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:34,905
That's probably
for the best.
516
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,857
When you vomit, I vomit.
517
00:19:36,859 --> 00:19:38,308
You know that.
518
00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:42,696
[Chuckles] Well, thanks for being
here with me now.
519
00:19:42,698 --> 00:19:44,481
Thanks for bringing me.
520
00:19:47,752 --> 00:19:49,820
Wow.
521
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:53,657
It is just
bonkers beautiful here.
522
00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:57,494
I don't know how you could
improve on a day like this.
523
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,435
Well, I'm gonna try.
524
00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:12,560
Whoa.
525
00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:15,563
Will you...
526
00:20:15,565 --> 00:20:16,480
Yes.
527
00:20:16,482 --> 00:20:18,449
You didn't even let me...
528
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:19,400
Yes.
529
00:20:19,402 --> 00:20:20,684
Marry me?
530
00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:21,819
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
531
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:24,738
Yes, yes... yes.
532
00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:27,041
[Chuckles]
533
00:20:27,043 --> 00:20:31,412
♪ Just try,
try a little tenderness ♪
534
00:20:31,414 --> 00:20:33,797
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got to
535
00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:36,300
♪ Know how to love her, man
536
00:20:36,302 --> 00:20:38,302
♪ Take this advice, man
537
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:40,554
♪ You got to squeeze her
538
00:20:40,556 --> 00:20:42,056
♪ Don't tease her. ♪
539
00:20:45,672 --> 00:20:48,773
[Inhales Deeply]
540
00:20:48,775 --> 00:20:50,959
[Exhales]
541
00:20:50,984 --> 00:20:55,984
== Sync and Corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
542
00:20:57,692 --> 00:20:59,059
Son of a bitch!