1
00:00:01,136 --> 00:00:02,282
TED:
Look at this,
2
00:00:02,283 --> 00:00:04,249
your wedding weekend.
I know.
3
00:00:04,302 --> 00:00:06,553
This close to finally
having sex again.
4
00:00:06,555 --> 00:00:07,988
It's been forever.
5
00:00:07,990 --> 00:00:09,523
Oh, you and Robin
been abstaining?
6
00:00:09,525 --> 00:00:10,490
Talking about you, Ted.
7
00:00:10,492 --> 00:00:12,642
Now here's the deal:
every hookup
8
00:00:12,644 --> 00:00:15,478
at a weekend wedding is decided
at Friday night drinks.
9
00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:17,114
Get stuck with
the wrong girl
10
00:00:17,116 --> 00:00:19,482
tonight, the only action you'll
be getting all weekend
11
00:00:19,484 --> 00:00:22,152
is a self-five,
and I don't mean the cool kind.
12
00:00:22,154 --> 00:00:24,705
[Chuckles]
Self-five! That's the cool kind.
13
00:00:24,707 --> 00:00:26,173
Well, that's a big decision.
14
00:00:26,175 --> 00:00:28,125
The biggest.
15
00:00:28,127 --> 00:00:31,461
It brings to mind
that religious text
16
00:00:31,463 --> 00:00:33,513
which we hold most sacred:
17
00:00:33,515 --> 00:00:36,984
Indiana Jones and
the Last Crusade.
18
00:00:36,986 --> 00:00:39,686
Remember?
They entered a chamber.
19
00:00:39,688 --> 00:00:42,505
Really? I'm the one working
with the Nazis?
20
00:00:42,507 --> 00:00:45,726
Ted, just... just... okay?
21
00:00:45,728 --> 00:00:48,011
Yeah.
They had to choose
22
00:00:48,013 --> 00:00:50,346
which cup was
this special cup.
23
00:00:50,348 --> 00:00:51,865
I forget what
it was called,
24
00:00:51,867 --> 00:00:53,700
but it's like the
Holy Grail of cups.
25
00:00:53,702 --> 00:00:56,536
It was the Holy Grail.
Of cups, exactly.
26
00:00:56,538 --> 00:00:59,706
So the Nazi confederate
chose, and...
27
00:00:59,708 --> 00:01:01,992
[Quietly]
Please don't make me do that...
28
00:01:01,994 --> 00:01:04,461
Ted, Ted, the confederate
Nazi chose, and...? - I...
29
00:01:04,463 --> 00:01:06,046
Okay, okay.
30
00:01:06,048 --> 00:01:07,697
Oh.
31
00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:13,870
And so now I'm gonna explode.
32
00:01:13,872 --> 00:01:15,255
[Explosion Sounds]
33
00:01:15,257 --> 00:01:17,007
He chose...
34
00:01:17,009 --> 00:01:18,475
poorly.
35
00:01:19,761 --> 00:01:22,562
Then Indy picked
a cup, and...
36
00:01:26,550 --> 00:01:28,318
You chose...
37
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:29,719
wisely.
38
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,641
[Playing Surf Guitar]
39
00:01:36,677 --> 00:01:38,061
So choose wisely, Ted.
40
00:01:38,063 --> 00:01:41,114
To help you decide,
I spent all day yesterday
41
00:01:41,116 --> 00:01:42,532
picking your top
three prospects.
42
00:01:42,534 --> 00:01:43,617
And I helped.
43
00:01:43,619 --> 00:01:45,702
It was either that
or writing our vows.
44
00:01:45,704 --> 00:01:46,753
Uch! Gag.
45
00:01:46,755 --> 00:01:50,040
Sophia was Robin's
college roommate,
46
00:01:50,042 --> 00:01:53,093
and she's apparently "a bit
of a screamer" in the sack.
47
00:01:53,095 --> 00:01:54,410
Yeah, mid-sex,
48
00:01:54,412 --> 00:01:56,680
she sounds exactly like
a car alarm from the '90s.
49
00:01:56,682 --> 00:02:01,768
You know, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo,
ooh-uh, ooh, ah-ah-ah-ah.
50
00:02:01,770 --> 00:02:03,419
Dudes love it.
51
00:02:03,421 --> 00:02:06,523
Cassie is the daughter
of my mom's best friend.
52
00:02:06,525 --> 00:02:09,810
Sad story: 12 years ago,
her gymnast career
53
00:02:09,812 --> 00:02:13,964
was tragically cut short
when her boobs got too big.
54
00:02:14,982 --> 00:02:16,266
Grace is a new coworker.
55
00:02:16,268 --> 00:02:19,286
She's had six different
positions at the firm,
56
00:02:19,288 --> 00:02:21,404
and that was just at
the Christmas party.
57
00:02:21,406 --> 00:02:22,656
Ooh.
58
00:02:22,658 --> 00:02:24,574
So, Grace doesn't arrive till later,
Mm-hmm.
59
00:02:24,576 --> 00:02:27,160
I recommend
[Whistles] Sophia.
60
00:02:27,162 --> 00:02:31,915
I strongly feel that you
should strongly feel her.
61
00:02:31,917 --> 00:02:33,917
I guess it's decided, then.
62
00:02:33,919 --> 00:02:35,702
Ted, right?
Yeah.
63
00:02:35,704 --> 00:02:37,337
I'm Cassie.
64
00:02:37,339 --> 00:02:39,589
Oh... something tells me
65
00:02:39,591 --> 00:02:42,976
that we are gonna have a lot
of fun this weekend. [Chuckles]
66
00:02:45,179 --> 00:02:47,063
[Quietly]
Cassie. I pick Cassie.
67
00:02:49,984 --> 00:02:52,135
You chose...
68
00:02:52,137 --> 00:02:54,104
poorly.
69
00:02:56,146 --> 00:03:00,146
♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x06 ♪
Knight Vision
Original Air Date on October 21, 2013
70
00:03:00,149 --> 00:03:05,149
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
71
00:03:08,870 --> 00:03:10,320
Hey, there's our minister.
72
00:03:10,322 --> 00:03:12,589
Oh, what a sweet-looking old...
73
00:03:13,457 --> 00:03:15,625
Ah! He looks scary.
74
00:03:15,627 --> 00:03:16,993
Looks can be
deceiving, Lily.
75
00:03:16,995 --> 00:03:18,328
But not in this case.
76
00:03:18,330 --> 00:03:19,796
He's a mean old tool.
77
00:03:21,399 --> 00:03:24,384
Oh, he can't be that bad.
78
00:03:24,386 --> 00:03:26,686
I'll get him to come around.
Just...
79
00:03:28,005 --> 00:03:29,606
Hi, Reverend,
80
00:03:29,608 --> 00:03:32,142
I'm Lily Aldrin,
the maid of honor.
81
00:03:32,144 --> 00:03:33,810
Not too much honor.
82
00:03:33,812 --> 00:03:36,046
You're dressed like a whore.
83
00:03:37,648 --> 00:03:39,449
[Mouthing]
84
00:03:41,536 --> 00:03:43,670
So what's going on?
Why aren't you telling your wife
85
00:03:43,672 --> 00:03:45,005
you got an offer to be a judge?
86
00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:47,507
Lily had her heart set
on us moving to Rome,
87
00:03:47,509 --> 00:03:49,342
so I have to tell her in person.
88
00:03:49,344 --> 00:03:51,628
That way, I know that I can
convince her
89
00:03:51,630 --> 00:03:53,230
that we need to stay.
90
00:03:53,232 --> 00:03:56,583
In the courtroom,
they call me The Convincer.
91
00:03:56,585 --> 00:03:58,501
They really call you that?
92
00:03:58,503 --> 00:04:01,588
I convinced them
to call me that.
93
00:04:01,590 --> 00:04:03,273
But you have to prepare
for your court cases.
94
00:04:03,275 --> 00:04:05,642
Did you prepare
for talking to Lily?
95
00:04:05,644 --> 00:04:06,910
I don't need to prepare, okay?
96
00:04:06,912 --> 00:04:09,546
I can craft a nice...
97
00:04:09,548 --> 00:04:11,081
thingy.
98
00:04:12,350 --> 00:04:14,134
Oh, wow I'm totally...
99
00:04:14,136 --> 00:04:15,602
the twisty metal thingy?
100
00:04:15,604 --> 00:04:16,519
You're screwed.
101
00:04:16,521 --> 00:04:18,104
I'm screwed!
102
00:04:18,106 --> 00:04:19,689
[Both Laughing]
103
00:04:19,691 --> 00:04:21,724
I'm sorry, Ted, I don't know.
104
00:04:21,726 --> 00:04:23,860
I'm just so tired
of this routine:
105
00:04:23,862 --> 00:04:25,728
we flirt, we have a few drinks,
106
00:04:25,730 --> 00:04:28,081
and then we end the night
with meaningless sex.
107
00:04:28,083 --> 00:04:30,200
Oh...
108
00:04:30,202 --> 00:04:32,335
yeah.
109
00:04:32,337 --> 00:04:33,920
Me, too.
110
00:04:33,922 --> 00:04:36,339
Do you want to start the night
with meaningless sex
111
00:04:36,341 --> 00:04:37,624
and then flirt later?
112
00:04:37,626 --> 00:04:38,908
You are a visionary.
113
00:04:38,910 --> 00:04:40,327
[Laughs]
114
00:04:40,329 --> 00:04:41,328
Come on.
115
00:04:41,330 --> 00:04:42,345
[Phone Rings]
116
00:04:42,347 --> 00:04:44,631
Oh! Oh! It's work.
117
00:04:44,633 --> 00:04:46,750
Should I get it or ignore it?
118
00:04:46,752 --> 00:04:48,584
Or get it? Oh, or ignore it?
119
00:04:48,586 --> 00:04:49,886
Um...
Forget it?
120
00:04:49,888 --> 00:04:51,271
You know? Go ahead, get it.
121
00:04:51,273 --> 00:04:52,689
Okay. [Clears Throat]
122
00:04:52,691 --> 00:04:54,224
Hello?
123
00:04:55,226 --> 00:04:57,093
You chose...
124
00:04:57,095 --> 00:04:58,328
poorly.
125
00:04:58,330 --> 00:05:00,580
I'm fired?
126
00:05:00,582 --> 00:05:02,482
But teaching there
was my dream job!
127
00:05:02,484 --> 00:05:04,567
And you guys
are my only friends.
128
00:05:04,569 --> 00:05:07,603
You all hate me?
129
00:05:07,605 --> 00:05:09,990
Can I at least say
good-bye to all my kids?
130
00:05:09,992 --> 00:05:13,493
My kids all hate me?!
131
00:05:13,495 --> 00:05:14,995
[Sobbing]
132
00:05:14,997 --> 00:05:16,196
Oh!
133
00:05:16,198 --> 00:05:18,999
Oh. It's okay.
134
00:05:19,001 --> 00:05:23,670
So, what were we
about to do?
135
00:05:23,672 --> 00:05:26,006
I think it was
"meaningless" something?
136
00:05:26,008 --> 00:05:27,424
Meaningless socks? No.
137
00:05:27,426 --> 00:05:28,491
[Sobbing]
138
00:05:28,493 --> 00:05:30,243
No, it wasn't
meaningless socks.
139
00:05:30,245 --> 00:05:32,345
Hey, hi, hi, hi.
140
00:05:32,347 --> 00:05:34,230
Um, so, a little problem.
141
00:05:34,232 --> 00:05:38,268
I was trying really hard
not to offend your minister...
142
00:05:38,270 --> 00:05:42,188
So how did you
and your husband meet?
143
00:05:42,190 --> 00:05:45,025
Oh, it was our first week
of college.
144
00:05:45,027 --> 00:05:47,494
I needed help hooking up
my stereo,
145
00:05:47,496 --> 00:05:51,031
so I walked down the hall,
and I just knew
146
00:05:51,033 --> 00:05:52,582
I should knock
on this one door.
147
00:05:52,584 --> 00:05:54,584
Marshall opened it.
148
00:05:54,586 --> 00:05:55,935
It was destiny.
149
00:05:55,937 --> 00:05:57,954
Hi.
Hi.
150
00:05:57,956 --> 00:06:00,674
We've been together ever since.
151
00:06:01,559 --> 00:06:03,176
Excuse me!
152
00:06:04,295 --> 00:06:06,096
What did I do wrong?
153
00:06:06,830 --> 00:06:09,349
What did you do wrong?
154
00:06:09,351 --> 00:06:12,052
We really wanted him
to marry us.
155
00:06:12,054 --> 00:06:14,354
His church has cute
coming out the wazoo,
156
00:06:14,356 --> 00:06:16,506
but when we met with him...
157
00:06:16,508 --> 00:06:18,341
No pets in my church.
158
00:06:18,343 --> 00:06:20,927
No casual attire in my church.
159
00:06:20,929 --> 00:06:24,014
No gum.
No sports logos...
160
00:06:24,016 --> 00:06:25,882
Reverend?
More like Never-end.
161
00:06:25,884 --> 00:06:28,568
Prayer-five.
No shouting. No cell phones.
162
00:06:28,570 --> 00:06:29,619
I'll warn you
163
00:06:29,621 --> 00:06:32,856
that I turn down
most wedding requests.
164
00:06:32,858 --> 00:06:36,426
Particularly from boozy,
promiscuous Manhattanites
165
00:06:36,428 --> 00:06:38,912
who only want me
to marry them because
166
00:06:38,914 --> 00:06:43,249
my church has "cute
coming out the wazoo."
167
00:06:43,251 --> 00:06:46,503
That is the total
opposite of us.
168
00:06:46,505 --> 00:06:49,055
People are like that?
169
00:06:49,057 --> 00:06:50,623
Well, then,
how did you two meet?
170
00:06:50,625 --> 00:06:53,643
Oh, um, um...
171
00:06:53,645 --> 00:06:54,710
Um...
172
00:06:54,712 --> 00:06:57,147
Uh, we've been...
dating since college.
173
00:06:57,149 --> 00:06:59,849
We met the
very first week.
174
00:06:59,851 --> 00:07:02,369
I needed help
hooking up my stereo,
175
00:07:02,371 --> 00:07:05,688
so I walked down the hall,
and I just knew
176
00:07:05,690 --> 00:07:07,741
that I should knock
on this one door.
177
00:07:07,743 --> 00:07:09,576
BARNEY:
I opened the door.
178
00:07:09,578 --> 00:07:11,111
And it was destiny.
179
00:07:13,414 --> 00:07:14,764
Hi.
180
00:07:14,766 --> 00:07:16,449
Hi.
181
00:07:16,451 --> 00:07:18,734
BOTH:
We've been together ever since!
182
00:07:18,736 --> 00:07:21,070
You stole our story
of how we met?!
183
00:07:21,072 --> 00:07:23,540
We had to! Your story is so sweet!
Mm.
184
00:07:23,542 --> 00:07:25,408
You didn't even kiss
till the third date.
185
00:07:25,410 --> 00:07:27,243
By our third date,
I'd hit more bases
186
00:07:27,245 --> 00:07:29,946
than Bob Hope on a USO tour.
Topical.
187
00:07:29,948 --> 00:07:32,248
Now Reverend Lowell
knows that we lied to him.
188
00:07:32,250 --> 00:07:34,501
What if he cancels
our wedding?
189
00:07:34,503 --> 00:07:36,219
What? That's ridiculous.
190
00:07:36,221 --> 00:07:37,520
Barney, Robin,
I need to speak
191
00:07:37,522 --> 00:07:39,556
with you in private immediately.
192
00:07:40,891 --> 00:07:42,275
And it's not just
losing my job,
193
00:07:42,277 --> 00:07:45,695
my car just got stolen
with all my stuff in it.
194
00:07:45,697 --> 00:07:47,630
And now I think
I'm getting the flu!
195
00:07:47,632 --> 00:07:49,432
I'm sorry.
196
00:07:49,434 --> 00:07:51,568
I've been talking
for, like, a half an hour.
197
00:07:51,570 --> 00:07:53,753
It's fine.
40 minutes. It's fine.
198
00:07:53,755 --> 00:07:56,539
Still, I think I would be able
to handle all of this
199
00:07:56,541 --> 00:08:01,578
[Voice Breaks] if my boyfriend Wesley
hadn't just broken up with me!
200
00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:03,797
[Sobs Softly]
201
00:08:05,949 --> 00:08:07,584
[Inhales Deeply]
202
00:08:10,421 --> 00:08:12,622
Why don't you tell me about it?
203
00:08:12,624 --> 00:08:15,508
Okay! I should go back
to the beginning.
204
00:08:15,510 --> 00:08:17,177
Oh, no, before the beginning.
205
00:08:17,179 --> 00:08:18,561
Winter, 1998...
206
00:08:18,563 --> 00:08:20,129
Man, this girl is a drag!
207
00:08:20,131 --> 00:08:24,234
If I hurry, I bet I still have
a shot with Sophia.
208
00:08:24,236 --> 00:08:26,769
Okay, I'll get one more drink
with Cassie, then bail.
209
00:08:26,771 --> 00:08:28,354
But where, bar or dining room?
210
00:08:28,356 --> 00:08:30,607
Bar or dining room?
211
00:08:30,609 --> 00:08:32,859
For my fourth date
with Wesley, we went...
212
00:08:32,861 --> 00:08:36,029
Cassie, let's get one more drink
in the dining room.
213
00:08:36,031 --> 00:08:37,881
You chose...
214
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:41,034
Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!
215
00:08:41,036 --> 00:08:43,119
Hey! We just ordered
appetizers.
216
00:08:43,121 --> 00:08:44,254
Sit down, you two!
217
00:08:45,289 --> 00:08:47,624
...Ha-poorly!
218
00:08:50,345 --> 00:08:53,018
Marshall, you're walking into
the biggest fight of your life.
219
00:08:53,019 --> 00:08:55,603
You have to be prepared.
You have to be tough.
220
00:08:55,605 --> 00:08:57,221
I am tough!
No, you're not.
221
00:08:57,223 --> 00:08:58,389
You make some good points.
222
00:08:58,391 --> 00:09:00,258
Now, what exactly
are you gonna say to Lily
223
00:09:00,260 --> 00:09:01,525
when you walk
through that door?
224
00:09:01,527 --> 00:09:03,144
Okay.
225
00:09:03,146 --> 00:09:04,345
Hey, baby.
226
00:09:04,347 --> 00:09:05,863
So, listen,
I got this phone call...
227
00:09:05,865 --> 00:09:07,331
DAPHNE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
228
00:09:07,333 --> 00:09:08,566
You haven't seen her in a week.
229
00:09:08,568 --> 00:09:10,902
Where's the "I missed you"?
How about a kiss?
230
00:09:10,904 --> 00:09:12,787
Nothing about her new hairstyle?
231
00:09:12,789 --> 00:09:14,238
Hairstyle?
I can't actually see...
232
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:15,323
Start over!
233
00:09:15,874 --> 00:09:17,775
Lily! Hi.
234
00:09:17,777 --> 00:09:19,043
Mmm.
235
00:09:19,045 --> 00:09:20,044
I missed you.
236
00:09:20,046 --> 00:09:22,463
And your hairstyle so much.
237
00:09:22,465 --> 00:09:23,714
[Daphne's Voice]
I missed you, too.
238
00:09:23,716 --> 00:09:27,151
I can't wait to show you
how much in bed tonight.
239
00:09:27,153 --> 00:09:28,419
Okay, that's creepy.
240
00:09:28,421 --> 00:09:29,553
Don't break character.
241
00:09:29,555 --> 00:09:31,138
Okay, um...
242
00:09:31,140 --> 00:09:33,958
So, listen, I got this
phone call last week, and I...
243
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,343
DAPHNE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
244
00:09:35,345 --> 00:09:37,178
Acknowledge her own views
on the matter first.
245
00:09:37,180 --> 00:09:38,596
Start over.
246
00:09:39,364 --> 00:09:40,848
Lily, hi, mwah.
247
00:09:40,850 --> 00:09:42,316
I missed you
and your hairstyle so much.
248
00:09:42,318 --> 00:09:43,801
[Daphne's Voice]
I missed you, too.
249
00:09:43,803 --> 00:09:46,671
Okay, so, I know
that you're excited for Rome.
250
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:48,522
I'm more excited
for bed tonight.
251
00:09:49,441 --> 00:09:53,110
While I was away,
uh, I got a phone call.
252
00:09:53,112 --> 00:09:54,829
To be a judge.
253
00:09:54,831 --> 00:09:56,013
What the damn hell?!
254
00:09:56,015 --> 00:09:57,147
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
255
00:09:57,149 --> 00:09:59,333
Lily does not say
"What the damn hell."
256
00:09:59,335 --> 00:10:00,918
Well, I've never met her
but, yes, she does.
257
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:02,586
You make some good points.
Wow.
258
00:10:02,588 --> 00:10:04,388
You are terrible at this.
259
00:10:05,340 --> 00:10:06,824
[Sighs]
Why did we lie?
260
00:10:06,826 --> 00:10:08,292
We have to come clean.
261
00:10:08,294 --> 00:10:10,945
Frankly,
I am appalled.
262
00:10:10,947 --> 00:10:12,346
I know. I...
Your friend
263
00:10:12,348 --> 00:10:15,900
Lily just tried to pass off
your sweet story
264
00:10:15,902 --> 00:10:18,853
of how you met as her own.
265
00:10:19,972 --> 00:10:22,640
That lying little tart!
I am horrified and relieved!
266
00:10:22,642 --> 00:10:26,610
Does Lily have any... problems
that you're aware of?
267
00:10:26,612 --> 00:10:27,862
Drinking.
Drugs.
268
00:10:27,864 --> 00:10:31,181
BOTH:
She's been drinking drugs.
269
00:10:31,183 --> 00:10:32,450
LOWELL:
Well,
270
00:10:32,452 --> 00:10:34,351
I talked to Barney
and Robin,
271
00:10:34,353 --> 00:10:36,370
and, let me say, I'm shocked.
272
00:10:36,372 --> 00:10:37,872
You should be.
273
00:10:37,874 --> 00:10:39,657
Flat-out lying to me like that?
274
00:10:39,659 --> 00:10:41,756
We are not misunderstanding
each other.
275
00:10:41,781 --> 00:10:45,264
How dare you pretend their
beautiful story is actually your own.
276
00:10:45,364 --> 00:10:47,048
Come again for Lil' Fudge?
[Chuckles]
277
00:10:47,050 --> 00:10:48,466
I understand the temptation.
278
00:10:48,468 --> 00:10:50,367
They're such a sweet couple.
279
00:10:50,369 --> 00:10:51,886
I mean, the way
they call each other
280
00:10:51,888 --> 00:10:54,388
Barnmallow and Robinpad.
281
00:10:54,390 --> 00:10:56,707
[Chuckles]
Oh.
282
00:10:56,709 --> 00:10:58,375
LILY:
Yes.
283
00:10:58,377 --> 00:11:00,678
I do steal
their stories.
284
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,396
Mm-hmm.
But only because
285
00:11:02,398 --> 00:11:03,764
my husband and I
286
00:11:03,766 --> 00:11:06,884
are so ashamed
of how we met.
287
00:11:06,886 --> 00:11:09,854
See, we only met
because his friend Ted
288
00:11:09,856 --> 00:11:11,188
fell in love with me.
289
00:11:11,190 --> 00:11:12,907
And who could blame him?
290
00:11:12,909 --> 00:11:14,108
Hey, Marshall.
291
00:11:14,110 --> 00:11:15,276
See that girl?
292
00:11:15,278 --> 00:11:16,694
Oh, yeah.
293
00:11:16,696 --> 00:11:18,579
You just know
she likes it dirty.
294
00:11:18,581 --> 00:11:19,897
Go say hi.
What?
295
00:11:19,899 --> 00:11:21,935
I can't just go say hi.
I-I need a plan.
296
00:11:21,936 --> 00:11:22,444
Hmm.
297
00:11:22,469 --> 00:11:23,835
I'm gonna wait until
she goes to the bathroom...
298
00:11:23,836 --> 00:11:24,835
Hi.
299
00:11:24,837 --> 00:11:26,537
Have you met Ted?
300
00:11:26,539 --> 00:11:28,072
MARSHALL:
I'm sorry,
301
00:11:28,074 --> 00:11:30,091
I can't...
302
00:11:30,093 --> 00:11:31,592
LILY:
And now, after years of lying,
303
00:11:31,594 --> 00:11:32,910
cheating and backsliding,
304
00:11:32,912 --> 00:11:34,228
here we are, married!
305
00:11:34,230 --> 00:11:35,963
But what can I say?
306
00:11:35,965 --> 00:11:37,798
My husband's a sociopath
307
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,266
who's slept with over
a hundred women,
308
00:11:39,268 --> 00:11:42,553
and I'm a slut who once let
my boss feel me up.
309
00:11:42,555 --> 00:11:43,604
Oh, come on!
310
00:11:43,606 --> 00:11:45,556
I felt him up!
It is over 250 women!
311
00:11:45,558 --> 00:11:47,858
If you two want to get married
in my church,
312
00:11:47,860 --> 00:11:49,927
you'll stop breaking
the ninth commandment.
313
00:11:49,929 --> 00:11:51,645
Uh...
no fat chicks?
314
00:11:51,647 --> 00:11:53,147
Thou shalt not lie!
315
00:11:53,149 --> 00:11:55,432
With fat chicks?
316
00:11:55,434 --> 00:11:57,818
You're killing me.
You're killing me.
317
00:11:57,820 --> 00:11:58,953
Now that...
318
00:11:58,955 --> 00:12:00,437
was a good dessert.
[Cassie Sighs]
319
00:12:00,439 --> 00:12:03,290
"Dessert" sounds like "desert."
320
00:12:03,292 --> 00:12:06,777
The desert
has sand...
321
00:12:06,779 --> 00:12:08,813
there's sand
at the beach...
322
00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:10,881
and Wesley and I
323
00:12:10,883 --> 00:12:13,050
once drove by a beach.
324
00:12:13,052 --> 00:12:14,051
[Sobbing]
325
00:12:14,053 --> 00:12:15,953
Excuse me.
326
00:12:15,955 --> 00:12:18,005
[Sobbing]
327
00:12:18,007 --> 00:12:19,790
TED:
Now's my chance to leave.
328
00:12:19,792 --> 00:12:21,258
No, I'll wait five more seconds
329
00:12:21,260 --> 00:12:22,676
so I don't seem too eager.
330
00:12:22,678 --> 00:12:23,644
Four...
331
00:12:23,646 --> 00:12:24,678
three...
332
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:25,813
two...
333
00:12:25,815 --> 00:12:27,731
Well, thanks for keeping
our daughter company.
334
00:12:27,733 --> 00:12:29,133
Man, she can be
a real drag, huh?
335
00:12:29,135 --> 00:12:32,319
We're gonna go have
a little fun. See ya!
336
00:12:33,572 --> 00:12:34,905
[Laughing]
337
00:12:34,907 --> 00:12:37,658
You're on fire tonight, bro.
338
00:12:38,743 --> 00:12:41,028
But, Lily, being a judge
is my dream job.
339
00:12:41,030 --> 00:12:42,530
[Daphne's Voice]
So your dream job
340
00:12:42,532 --> 00:12:44,115
is more important
than my dream job?
341
00:12:44,117 --> 00:12:46,117
Exactly.
Now you're getting it.
342
00:12:46,119 --> 00:12:47,535
[Clucks Tongue]
Nope.
343
00:12:47,537 --> 00:12:48,552
Start over.
344
00:12:48,554 --> 00:12:50,037
So your dream job's
345
00:12:50,039 --> 00:12:51,839
more important
than my dream job?
346
00:12:51,841 --> 00:12:54,542
But, baby, you already have
the best job in the world:
347
00:12:54,544 --> 00:12:56,010
Mom.
Nope.
348
00:12:56,012 --> 00:12:57,077
Start over.
349
00:12:57,079 --> 00:12:58,963
So your dream job's
more important
350
00:12:58,965 --> 00:13:00,097
than my dream job?
351
00:13:00,099 --> 00:13:03,167
Hey, I gave up peeing
in the shower for you.
352
00:13:03,169 --> 00:13:04,185
Nope.
353
00:13:04,187 --> 00:13:05,219
Start over.
354
00:13:05,221 --> 00:13:06,554
So your dream job's
355
00:13:06,556 --> 00:13:08,389
more important
than my dream job?
356
00:13:08,391 --> 00:13:09,506
Of course not.
357
00:13:09,508 --> 00:13:10,741
But this isn't
358
00:13:10,743 --> 00:13:12,476
just about our future.
359
00:13:12,478 --> 00:13:14,061
It's about everyone's.
360
00:13:14,063 --> 00:13:15,062
As a lawyer,
361
00:13:15,064 --> 00:13:16,730
I couldn't stop big oil
from polluting,
362
00:13:16,732 --> 00:13:18,232
but as a judge...
363
00:13:18,234 --> 00:13:19,483
well, maybe I can.
364
00:13:19,485 --> 00:13:21,285
And that's why I took the job.
365
00:13:22,020 --> 00:13:23,187
You've just been "convincered."
366
00:13:23,189 --> 00:13:24,488
Wait.
367
00:13:24,490 --> 00:13:26,373
You already took the job?
368
00:13:26,375 --> 00:13:28,159
Without even talking
to your wife?
369
00:13:28,161 --> 00:13:29,860
Start over.
370
00:13:29,862 --> 00:13:31,245
Start over... start over.
371
00:13:31,247 --> 00:13:33,214
What the damn hell?!
372
00:13:34,749 --> 00:13:36,300
Hi, Reverend
Lowell?
373
00:13:36,302 --> 00:13:38,302
Whew.
Made it through my half.
374
00:13:38,304 --> 00:13:39,870
You're up.
375
00:13:39,872 --> 00:13:41,055
Oh. Uh...
376
00:13:41,057 --> 00:13:43,290
The-the truth is,
we-we have
377
00:13:43,292 --> 00:13:45,142
a complicated,
messy history
378
00:13:45,144 --> 00:13:46,727
that-that we're
not too proud of.
379
00:13:46,729 --> 00:13:48,012
But...
380
00:13:48,014 --> 00:13:49,346
we're sorry
that we lied,
381
00:13:49,348 --> 00:13:53,000
and hope that
you can forgive us.
382
00:13:55,937 --> 00:13:57,905
Nope, I can't do it.
383
00:13:57,907 --> 00:13:59,940
You're going to have
to find a new officiant.
384
00:13:59,942 --> 00:14:01,225
Okay.
385
00:14:01,227 --> 00:14:02,326
Well, these
things happen.
386
00:14:02,328 --> 00:14:03,360
And a new church.
387
00:14:03,362 --> 00:14:05,829
What the damn hell?!
388
00:14:06,781 --> 00:14:09,750
TED: This evening could not
get any worse.
389
00:14:09,752 --> 00:14:11,619
Whenever you're ready.
Crap!
390
00:14:13,722 --> 00:14:14,872
Hey, Ted.
391
00:14:14,874 --> 00:14:16,590
Thanks for
being so great.
392
00:14:16,592 --> 00:14:18,609
I'm lucky to have you
around this weekend.
393
00:14:18,611 --> 00:14:20,594
Ooh, yeah...
394
00:14:20,596 --> 00:14:22,096
About that...
395
00:14:22,098 --> 00:14:25,015
I should really go see
about the, uh...
396
00:14:25,017 --> 00:14:26,884
So, sex?
My room is very close.
397
00:14:26,886 --> 00:14:28,636
[Cassie Laughs]
398
00:14:28,638 --> 00:14:29,904
TED:
Sophia. Hi.
399
00:14:29,906 --> 00:14:31,222
Oh, God. Wesley.
400
00:14:31,224 --> 00:14:33,524
Wait. Wait, you're Wesley?
401
00:14:33,526 --> 00:14:35,059
Hey, Cassie.
[Laughs Nervously]
402
00:14:35,061 --> 00:14:37,261
Your parents were just saying
you have a new boyfriend.
403
00:14:37,263 --> 00:14:39,647
"Boyfriend" is
a little premature.
404
00:14:39,649 --> 00:14:40,981
Though I did
pay for dinner.
405
00:14:40,983 --> 00:14:43,433
Ted and I are
very happy.
406
00:14:43,435 --> 00:14:44,785
Are we?
407
00:14:44,787 --> 00:14:48,072
[Crying] Even if... he'll
never replace you.
408
00:14:48,074 --> 00:14:50,457
[Sobbing]
409
00:14:52,510 --> 00:14:53,827
So, Sophia. Hi.
410
00:14:53,829 --> 00:14:54,845
I'm Ted.
411
00:14:54,847 --> 00:14:56,714
Robin's friend.
412
00:14:56,716 --> 00:14:58,448
What do you say we give
these two old flames
413
00:14:58,450 --> 00:15:00,384
a chance to...
catch up alone,
414
00:15:00,386 --> 00:15:01,969
and maybe you and I
could go get a drink.
415
00:15:01,971 --> 00:15:03,387
Are you hitting on me?
Dude!
416
00:15:03,389 --> 00:15:04,672
Ted, let's go!
417
00:15:08,643 --> 00:15:10,878
You tip...
418
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,062
[Scoffs]
419
00:15:12,064 --> 00:15:13,681
...poorly.
420
00:15:17,705 --> 00:15:20,013
Look, I know. I shouldn't
have taken the job
421
00:15:20,014 --> 00:15:21,096
without telling Lily.
422
00:15:21,098 --> 00:15:22,848
Why are you so ticked off
about it?
423
00:15:22,850 --> 00:15:25,017
Because I know
what she's going through.
424
00:15:25,019 --> 00:15:26,068
I always dreamed
425
00:15:26,070 --> 00:15:28,621
of having a career
I could be proud of,
426
00:15:28,623 --> 00:15:30,706
but my husband never
supported me.
427
00:15:30,708 --> 00:15:31,891
Eventually,
428
00:15:31,893 --> 00:15:34,677
I had to... make a choice.
429
00:15:34,679 --> 00:15:35,744
Now, every day,
430
00:15:35,746 --> 00:15:36,962
I'm out there,
431
00:15:36,964 --> 00:15:39,131
I'm fighting for the good guys,
and I love it.
432
00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:40,399
Doesn't
433
00:15:40,401 --> 00:15:41,917
your wife deserve th, too?
434
00:15:41,919 --> 00:15:46,005
Wow. Um, maybe
you're right.
435
00:15:46,007 --> 00:15:49,341
I didn't realize how many
sacrifices you'd made.
436
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:51,977
What is it you do, anyway?
437
00:15:51,979 --> 00:15:53,762
I'm a lobbyist
for a big oil company.
438
00:15:53,764 --> 00:15:55,380
What the damn hell?!
439
00:15:57,383 --> 00:15:58,734
You know
that I'm an environmentalist!
440
00:15:58,736 --> 00:16:00,385
That's why you don't want me
to become a judge.
441
00:16:00,387 --> 00:16:02,220
But you're the reason
I have to become a judge!
442
00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:04,690
You're the devil incarnate!
And outcarnate!
443
00:16:04,692 --> 00:16:06,892
Every kind of carnate!
444
00:16:08,461 --> 00:16:09,645
Please, is-is there
445
00:16:09,647 --> 00:16:10,879
any way you'd reconsider?
446
00:16:10,881 --> 00:16:12,581
No! No, no!
447
00:16:12,583 --> 00:16:14,750
You two are both
terrible people.
448
00:16:14,752 --> 00:16:17,820
Who found each other
in this crazy world!
449
00:16:17,822 --> 00:16:19,171
Aw!
450
00:16:19,173 --> 00:16:21,740
And who lie
about how they found each other.
451
00:16:21,742 --> 00:16:23,959
So, please leave now. Just...
452
00:16:23,961 --> 00:16:26,045
Ugh! Ugh!
453
00:16:26,047 --> 00:16:28,347
You know what?
You're right.
454
00:16:28,349 --> 00:16:30,749
We shouldn't have lied
about our story.
455
00:16:31,434 --> 00:16:32,851
I love our story.
456
00:16:32,853 --> 00:16:34,803
Sure, it's messy,
but it's the story
457
00:16:34,805 --> 00:16:37,189
that got us here,
about to get married.
458
00:16:37,191 --> 00:16:39,525
I love it, too.
459
00:16:39,527 --> 00:16:41,493
Every messy chapter.
460
00:16:41,495 --> 00:16:43,979
I love that you slept
with over 250 women
461
00:16:43,981 --> 00:16:46,115
before deciding that
I was your favorite.
462
00:16:46,117 --> 00:16:47,283
This is killing me.
463
00:16:47,285 --> 00:16:48,834
And I love
that we just had
464
00:16:48,836 --> 00:16:50,435
to keep having sex
with each other,
465
00:16:50,437 --> 00:16:51,904
even when we were dating
other people.
466
00:16:51,906 --> 00:16:53,438
This is really killing me.
467
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:55,107
And I love that your
marriage proposal
468
00:16:55,109 --> 00:16:57,209
involved a strip
club, lying to me,
469
00:16:57,211 --> 00:17:01,096
and pretending to bang the
woman I hate for two months.
470
00:17:01,098 --> 00:17:02,665
I love that we keep
a running tally
471
00:17:02,667 --> 00:17:04,249
of all the different rooms
we've had sex in.
472
00:17:04,251 --> 00:17:07,503
I love that two weeks ago, we
put this room on that list.
473
00:17:07,505 --> 00:17:09,421
Huh? Come on, Rev.
474
00:17:09,423 --> 00:17:11,623
That's got to be worth
some kind of reaction, right?
475
00:17:11,625 --> 00:17:13,859
I mean, right where
your hymnal is, is where we...
476
00:17:13,861 --> 00:17:16,011
we...
477
00:17:17,897 --> 00:17:20,065
[Laughs]
478
00:17:30,243 --> 00:17:33,495
Well, that's not what you want.
479
00:17:33,497 --> 00:17:36,665
[Crying and Kissing]
480
00:17:36,667 --> 00:17:38,751
[Crying, Sniffling]
[Kissing]
481
00:17:38,753 --> 00:17:40,652
Um, are...
are you okay?
482
00:17:40,654 --> 00:17:43,956
I think... think maybe seeing
your ex was a bit much for you.
483
00:17:43,958 --> 00:17:46,175
No. Not at all.
484
00:17:46,177 --> 00:17:48,177
I want... only you.
485
00:17:48,179 --> 00:17:49,928
Oh, yeah.
486
00:17:49,930 --> 00:17:53,098
I want to...
I want to rock your world.
487
00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:55,434
And you're so hot.
[Sniffling]
488
00:17:55,436 --> 00:17:59,138
I want to ride you
like a bronco.
489
00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:01,423
[Sobbing]
Okay, Cassie. Cassie.
490
00:18:01,425 --> 00:18:03,508
Yeah, we...
we can't do this.
491
00:18:03,510 --> 00:18:04,810
I mean, you're crying.
492
00:18:04,812 --> 00:18:06,061
[Coughing]
493
00:18:06,063 --> 00:18:07,446
And contagious.
494
00:18:07,448 --> 00:18:08,781
You're-you're having
495
00:18:08,783 --> 00:18:10,149
a really, really bad week.
496
00:18:10,151 --> 00:18:12,151
I think... I think
you should just
497
00:18:12,153 --> 00:18:14,753
take it easy.
498
00:18:14,755 --> 00:18:15,871
You're right.
499
00:18:15,873 --> 00:18:18,374
I'm not in a good place.
No.
500
00:18:18,376 --> 00:18:19,458
Oh, wow.
501
00:18:19,460 --> 00:18:21,460
I probably would have
let you do
502
00:18:21,462 --> 00:18:24,196
all sorts of crazy things to me.
503
00:18:24,198 --> 00:18:26,382
[Sighs]
504
00:18:27,550 --> 00:18:29,301
Exactly.
505
00:18:29,303 --> 00:18:31,336
I release you.
506
00:18:31,338 --> 00:18:33,639
Go have fun this weekend.
507
00:18:33,641 --> 00:18:35,224
Meet someone else.
508
00:18:35,226 --> 00:18:37,059
TED: Yes! Yes! Be cool.
Okay.
509
00:18:37,061 --> 00:18:39,061
NARRATOR: But I couldn't
meet someone else.
510
00:18:39,063 --> 00:18:41,063
Hey, Ted?
Yeah.
511
00:18:41,065 --> 00:18:42,214
Everyone here is saying
512
00:18:42,216 --> 00:18:44,516
you and Cassie are the
couple of the weekend.
513
00:18:44,518 --> 00:18:45,851
How great is that?
514
00:18:45,853 --> 00:18:47,736
NARRATOR:
Barney was right.
515
00:18:47,738 --> 00:18:50,606
I'd chosen poorly,
everyone had seen us together,
516
00:18:50,608 --> 00:18:52,724
and now the whole weekend
seemed lost.
517
00:18:52,726 --> 00:18:55,160
Until...
518
00:18:55,162 --> 00:18:57,562
Hi. I just got here.
519
00:18:57,564 --> 00:18:59,448
Did I miss anything?
520
00:18:59,450 --> 00:19:02,418
Not at all. Grace, right?
521
00:19:02,420 --> 00:19:05,621
I'm Ted. Let's get you a drink
before you talk to anyone else
522
00:19:05,623 --> 00:19:07,840
or hear anything.
523
00:19:09,175 --> 00:19:10,859
Hey, guys.
How's your night going?
524
00:19:10,861 --> 00:19:12,177
Ugh!
Ugh!
525
00:19:12,179 --> 00:19:13,929
Our minister just died.
526
00:19:13,931 --> 00:19:15,914
Wh...?
We can still use the church,
527
00:19:15,916 --> 00:19:17,766
but we only have two days
to find a new officiant.
528
00:19:17,768 --> 00:19:19,134
Unless...
529
00:19:19,244 --> 00:19:20,335
BARNEY:
Wedding at Bernie's!
530
00:19:20,336 --> 00:19:21,836
We're not doing
Wedding at Bernie's!
531
00:19:21,838 --> 00:19:24,755
Wow. Oh, that's terrible.
532
00:19:24,757 --> 00:19:26,724
Should I make a toast
in his honor?
533
00:19:26,726 --> 00:19:28,309
[Whispers]
No.
534
00:19:28,311 --> 00:19:29,727
Of course I should.
535
00:19:30,679 --> 00:19:32,129
Everyone?
536
00:19:32,131 --> 00:19:33,764
To Reverend Lowell.
537
00:19:33,766 --> 00:19:35,733
He may have
passed away
538
00:19:35,735 --> 00:19:37,134
tonight, but
he will always...
539
00:19:37,136 --> 00:19:39,170
Uncle Robert died?!
540
00:19:39,988 --> 00:19:41,572
Oh, no.
541
00:19:41,574 --> 00:19:43,908
[Crying]
542
00:19:46,879 --> 00:19:48,812
[High-Pitched Crying]
543
00:19:48,814 --> 00:19:50,031
[Sobbing]
544
00:19:50,033 --> 00:19:51,833
Have a nice weekend.
545
00:19:51,835 --> 00:19:54,785
NARRATOR: All that night, I did nothing
but choose poorly.
546
00:19:54,787 --> 00:19:56,170
But thanks to Cassie,
547
00:19:56,172 --> 00:19:58,723
I didn't get together
with anyone at that wedding.
548
00:19:58,725 --> 00:20:00,041
And if I had,
549
00:20:00,043 --> 00:20:04,128
well, then, your mother
and I might never have met.
550
00:20:04,130 --> 00:20:07,998
So, maybe, in a way,
I chose wisely.
551
00:20:08,713 --> 00:20:11,693
SOPHIA:
Boo-uh! Boo-uh! Eee!
552
00:20:11,694 --> 00:20:13,527
Although, it sure as heck
553
00:20:13,529 --> 00:20:14,746
didn't feel like it
at the time.
554
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:16,030
Aah! Aah! Aah!
555
00:20:16,032 --> 00:20:17,665
[Sighs]
556
00:20:17,667 --> 00:20:19,533
She chose...
557
00:20:19,535 --> 00:20:20,918
Wesley.
558
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,286
[Chuckling]
559
00:20:22,288 --> 00:20:24,839
I've been dying
to say that one all night.
560
00:20:26,658 --> 00:20:28,626
Look, I'm sorry
I yelled at you.
561
00:20:28,628 --> 00:20:29,993
The truth is, you're right.
562
00:20:29,995 --> 00:20:32,830
It was wrong of me to take
that job without telling Lily.
563
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,800
I don't need to be tough
with her. I need to be fair.
564
00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:37,435
Thanks, Marshall.
Mm.
565
00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:39,553
I should also apologize.
566
00:20:39,555 --> 00:20:41,772
While you were filling the tank,
567
00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:44,358
I may have been so angry,
568
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:47,545
I texted your wife with the news
569
00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:50,214
that you took that judge offer.
570
00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:52,033
[Phone Ringing]
571
00:20:52,035 --> 00:20:53,951
Don't forget
to compliment her hair.
572
00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:58,953
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man