1
00:00:02,086 --> 00:00:04,014
Kids, this is
the story of the night
2
00:00:04,015 --> 00:00:05,924
Barney's life
completely fell apart.
3
00:00:06,609 --> 00:00:08,326
My life is finally perfect,
4
00:00:08,328 --> 00:00:10,244
and that is never
going to change.
5
00:00:10,246 --> 00:00:12,313
Fired up for dinner
with my mom tonight?
6
00:00:12,315 --> 00:00:14,081
Yeah. To help streamline
the rest of our lives,
7
00:00:14,083 --> 00:00:16,867
you can always assume my answer
to that question is no.
8
00:00:16,869 --> 00:00:18,836
W...
I'm pretty nervous.
9
00:00:18,838 --> 00:00:21,289
Nervous? Why?
It's just gonna be two hours
10
00:00:21,291 --> 00:00:24,592
of "I love Barney the most."
"No, I love Barney the most."
11
00:00:24,594 --> 00:00:26,794
You're right. I may not even
get a chance to talk.
12
00:00:26,796 --> 00:00:27,828
But I'm still--
13
00:00:27,830 --> 00:00:29,046
I-I don't know. I'm worried
14
00:00:29,048 --> 00:00:30,715
she won't think
I'm good enough to be engaged
15
00:00:30,717 --> 00:00:32,683
to her precious
little Love-Love.
16
00:00:32,685 --> 00:00:35,686
Okay, first of all,
it's "Wuv-Wuv."
17
00:00:35,688 --> 00:00:36,503
And second,
18
00:00:36,505 --> 00:00:37,838
don't worry.
19
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:39,223
I'm just gonna drop off
our catering deposit,
20
00:00:39,225 --> 00:00:40,891
and then I will be there for you.
Mm.
21
00:00:40,893 --> 00:00:42,276
Okay, well,
please don't be late.
22
00:00:42,278 --> 00:00:43,561
I am counting on you tonight.
23
00:00:43,563 --> 00:00:45,730
And be careful--
that's 5,000 bucks in there.
24
00:00:45,732 --> 00:00:49,033
Uh, I think I'll be okay
walking four blocks here
25
00:00:49,035 --> 00:00:51,619
on the Upper East Side.
26
00:00:57,910 --> 00:01:00,361
Please, I swear I never talked
to the North Koreans!
27
00:01:00,363 --> 00:01:01,695
Unless you are
the North Koreans, in which case
28
00:01:01,697 --> 00:01:02,880
I never talked
to the South Koreans!
29
00:01:02,882 --> 00:01:04,498
Barney Stinson,
30
00:01:04,500 --> 00:01:06,884
you are being
kidnapped.
31
00:01:06,886 --> 00:01:09,870
For your surprise
bachelor party!
32
00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:15,897
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x22 ♪
The Bro Mitzvah
Original Air Date on April 29, 2013
33
00:01:15,922 --> 00:01:20,922
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
34
00:01:24,686 --> 00:01:26,354
A kidnapping.
35
00:01:26,356 --> 00:01:27,488
Respect.
36
00:01:27,490 --> 00:01:28,739
I was secretly worried
37
00:01:28,741 --> 00:01:31,558
you might not be able
to pull off my bachelor party.
38
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:33,327
Yeah, it wasn't that secret.
39
00:01:33,329 --> 00:01:35,729
You two?
Planning my bachelor party?
40
00:01:35,731 --> 00:01:38,249
Look, you seem like nice kids.
41
00:01:38,251 --> 00:01:40,167
But this is a sacred event,
42
00:01:40,169 --> 00:01:42,620
a man's rite of passage
with his bros.
43
00:01:42,622 --> 00:01:45,256
His... bro mitzvah!
44
00:01:45,258 --> 00:01:46,507
You didn't just
think of that.
45
00:01:46,509 --> 00:01:47,758
You've been saying it
for months every...
46
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,093
But here's my dilemma:
47
00:01:49,095 --> 00:01:51,345
my average night is like
an average guy's bachelor party.
48
00:01:51,347 --> 00:01:53,381
So, no offense,
but if you two plan it,
49
00:01:53,383 --> 00:01:56,250
it's gonna be ordi--
why wait for it?-- nary.
50
00:01:56,252 --> 00:01:57,768
Ordinary.
51
00:01:57,770 --> 00:01:58,519
I can help.
52
00:01:58,521 --> 00:02:00,137
You?
53
00:02:00,139 --> 00:02:01,889
Look, you seem like a nice kid,
54
00:02:01,891 --> 00:02:02,857
but bros' fiancées
55
00:02:02,859 --> 00:02:04,375
cannot plan bachelor parties.
56
00:02:04,377 --> 00:02:05,926
Sorry. You two are on your own.
57
00:02:05,928 --> 00:02:07,862
And you will disappoint me.
58
00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:10,948
But make it great, okay?
59
00:02:10,950 --> 00:02:13,234
But this is a strong start.
60
00:02:13,236 --> 00:02:15,602
The students
have become...
61
00:02:15,604 --> 00:02:17,938
the intermediate
students.
62
00:02:17,940 --> 00:02:20,441
I just have
to make one call.
63
00:02:22,044 --> 00:02:23,444
Hello.
64
00:02:23,446 --> 00:02:24,879
Robin, great news!
65
00:02:24,881 --> 00:02:26,747
I've been kidnapped
for a surprise bachelor party
66
00:02:26,749 --> 00:02:28,382
so I won't be there
at all!
67
00:02:28,384 --> 00:02:31,135
What? Barney, I-I can't
do dinner with your mom alone.
68
00:02:31,137 --> 00:02:33,921
Okay, I'll call her,
make up an excuse and cancel.
69
00:02:33,923 --> 00:02:35,923
And don't worry,
I'll take all the blame.
70
00:02:35,925 --> 00:02:38,309
Hold on.
71
00:02:38,311 --> 00:02:39,427
Hi, Wuv-Wuv.
72
00:02:39,429 --> 00:02:40,895
Hi, Momsies.
73
00:02:40,897 --> 00:02:43,848
I forgot, I'm mentoring an
underprivileged child tonight,
74
00:02:43,850 --> 00:02:47,468
and Robin can't stand the idea
of dinner with you by herself,
75
00:02:47,470 --> 00:02:49,103
so we're not gonna be able to...
76
00:02:49,105 --> 00:02:50,471
Don't bother.
She's already here.
77
00:02:50,473 --> 00:02:52,740
Hold on.
78
00:02:52,742 --> 00:02:55,276
Robin? Too late.
She's already there.
79
00:02:55,278 --> 00:02:56,660
Barney, don't...
80
00:02:56,662 --> 00:02:59,580
Robin can't stand the idea
of dinner with me?
81
00:02:59,582 --> 00:03:00,981
Great! We're all set then.
82
00:03:00,983 --> 00:03:02,683
Don't you leave me alone
with her. I told you...
83
00:03:02,685 --> 00:03:05,319
That problem is solved.
84
00:03:05,321 --> 00:03:07,037
So what's the plan?
85
00:03:07,039 --> 00:03:09,156
Well, you know the Taj
Mahal in Atlantic City?
86
00:03:09,158 --> 00:03:11,125
Yeah.
87
00:03:11,127 --> 00:03:13,043
You know the
secret penthouse
88
00:03:13,045 --> 00:03:15,829
in the top of the Taj
Mahal in Atlantic City?
89
00:03:15,831 --> 00:03:18,048
Yeah!
90
00:03:18,050 --> 00:03:19,884
Boom! There it is.
91
00:03:19,886 --> 00:03:21,719
Visible from our window.
92
00:03:21,721 --> 00:03:24,004
In the distance.
93
00:03:24,006 --> 00:03:25,106
Behind the refinery.
94
00:03:25,108 --> 00:03:26,891
Okay, you can't
quite see it.
95
00:03:26,893 --> 00:03:29,810
Why are we outside
Atlantic City?
96
00:03:29,812 --> 00:03:31,395
Well, we thought it was best,
97
00:03:31,397 --> 00:03:34,365
what with your weakness
for games of chance.
98
00:03:34,367 --> 00:03:35,749
Kids, Barney was addicted
99
00:03:35,751 --> 00:03:37,234
to one Chinese gambling game
100
00:03:37,236 --> 00:03:40,321
that was, well,
sort of complicated.
101
00:03:40,323 --> 00:03:41,355
But don't worry.
102
00:03:41,357 --> 00:03:43,073
Back when you were
engaged to Quinn,
103
00:03:43,075 --> 00:03:45,876
you told us everything
you wanted for tonight.
104
00:03:45,878 --> 00:03:48,829
A bachelor party is a man's...
105
00:03:48,831 --> 00:03:51,532
bro mitzvah!
106
00:03:51,534 --> 00:03:53,050
Did you just think of that?
107
00:03:53,052 --> 00:03:55,302
Totally! We can wear...
108
00:03:55,304 --> 00:03:57,304
bro-mulkes...
109
00:03:57,306 --> 00:04:01,308
spin the bro-del...
110
00:04:01,310 --> 00:04:03,844
and consult the wisdom
111
00:04:03,846 --> 00:04:06,981
of the Bro-rah.
112
00:04:06,983 --> 00:04:10,201
Written in... He-bro.
113
00:04:10,203 --> 00:04:12,520
Not at all
bro-ffensive.
114
00:04:12,522 --> 00:04:15,022
Ooh, ooh! Couple other ideas--
and I'm just spitballing here--
115
00:04:15,024 --> 00:04:16,574
so take 'em or leave 'em.
116
00:04:16,576 --> 00:04:19,493
Booze, duh; cigars, duh;
strippers, duh...
117
00:04:19,495 --> 00:04:21,245
Ooh! Things should get so
crazy that at some point
118
00:04:21,247 --> 00:04:22,930
we should fear
for our lives.
119
00:04:22,932 --> 00:04:25,616
Oh, we'll fear for our lives,
all right.
120
00:04:25,618 --> 00:04:29,420
When we watch Al Gore's
An Inconvenient Truth!
121
00:04:29,422 --> 00:04:30,904
Yeah. We're
gonna pound a beer
122
00:04:30,906 --> 00:04:32,122
every time we
hear the word
123
00:04:32,124 --> 00:04:33,740
"catastrophic""
124
00:04:33,742 --> 00:04:35,409
Oh!
125
00:04:35,411 --> 00:04:37,244
Could that be...
126
00:04:37,246 --> 00:04:40,431
the next item on your list?
127
00:04:40,433 --> 00:04:42,550
Mind-blowing
entertainment,
128
00:04:42,552 --> 00:04:46,387
like a naked fire show
or a naked magic show.
129
00:04:46,389 --> 00:04:47,555
There's a good chance
our engagement
130
00:04:47,557 --> 00:04:48,639
doesn't work out, isn't there?
131
00:04:48,641 --> 00:04:49,473
Not now, honey.
132
00:04:49,475 --> 00:04:51,925
Or a naked
contortionist!
133
00:04:51,927 --> 00:04:55,145
Or... a balloon contortionist!
134
00:04:58,933 --> 00:05:00,317
Balloons.
135
00:05:00,319 --> 00:05:02,936
Not the inflatable, round,
squishy pouches
136
00:05:02,938 --> 00:05:04,622
I was hoping to see tonight.
137
00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:06,957
Hold on.
138
00:05:06,959 --> 00:05:08,609
I told you no clown.
139
00:05:08,611 --> 00:05:11,378
Well, you didn't like
the bubble guy either.
140
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:12,213
Hey, Robin.
141
00:05:12,215 --> 00:05:13,380
Did you tell your mother
142
00:05:13,382 --> 00:05:14,448
I'm a virgin?
143
00:05:14,450 --> 00:05:17,334
What? Why would you think that?
144
00:05:17,336 --> 00:05:19,720
Save yourself room for dessert.
Mmm.
145
00:05:19,722 --> 00:05:22,973
And I hear you excel
at saving yourself.
146
00:05:24,759 --> 00:05:26,427
You are so funny.
147
00:05:26,429 --> 00:05:27,845
What's gotten into you?
148
00:05:27,847 --> 00:05:30,981
Oh, that's right-- nothing ever.
149
00:05:32,984 --> 00:05:34,301
You may be nervous
150
00:05:34,303 --> 00:05:36,904
as to what goes where
on your wedding night.
151
00:05:36,906 --> 00:05:38,606
It's really simple.
152
00:05:38,608 --> 00:05:40,807
Let me show you.
153
00:05:42,977 --> 00:05:46,080
Let's start with
the fundamentals.
154
00:05:46,082 --> 00:05:48,148
Why would you
tell her I'm a virgin?
155
00:05:48,150 --> 00:05:49,083
I panicked.
156
00:05:49,085 --> 00:05:50,817
Look, I really want her
to like you,
157
00:05:50,819 --> 00:05:52,703
so just go with it, okay? Okay!
158
00:05:52,705 --> 00:05:54,622
Listen, Wuv-Wuv,
you better get your ass back...
159
00:05:56,659 --> 00:05:58,008
Another guest?
160
00:05:58,010 --> 00:06:00,661
Who could this be?
161
00:06:01,379 --> 00:06:02,429
Why, it's Lily!
162
00:06:02,431 --> 00:06:03,664
And she's here
to deliver
163
00:06:03,666 --> 00:06:04,682
one of your requests!
164
00:06:04,684 --> 00:06:06,967
Oh, thank you,
Marshall.
165
00:06:06,969 --> 00:06:08,269
Oh, not that one.
166
00:06:08,271 --> 00:06:10,971
An appearance by
my all-time idol,
167
00:06:10,973 --> 00:06:13,023
the Karate Kid!
168
00:06:13,025 --> 00:06:15,008
The Karate Kid
was an uplifting '80s classic
169
00:06:15,010 --> 00:06:17,144
about a teen,
played by Ralph Macchio,
170
00:06:17,146 --> 00:06:20,364
who defeats the local jerk,
played by William Zabka.
171
00:06:20,366 --> 00:06:22,733
At least, that's how
most people saw it.
172
00:06:22,735 --> 00:06:24,652
Here he is, just as hot
173
00:06:24,654 --> 00:06:28,122
as when his Tiger Beat
photo spread gave a young girl
174
00:06:28,124 --> 00:06:29,323
the courage to explore
175
00:06:29,325 --> 00:06:31,709
the suddenly unfamiliar
topography
176
00:06:31,711 --> 00:06:34,244
of her changing body...
177
00:06:34,246 --> 00:06:37,665
the Karate Kid!
178
00:06:37,667 --> 00:06:38,966
Hey, Barney. It's Ralph.
179
00:06:38,968 --> 00:06:40,301
Listen,
it's always flattering...
180
00:06:40,303 --> 00:06:41,552
No!
181
00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:43,870
I hate Ralph Macchio!
182
00:06:43,872 --> 00:06:46,173
I hate him, hate him, hate him!
183
00:06:46,175 --> 00:06:48,208
He is not the Karate Kid!
184
00:06:48,210 --> 00:06:50,394
The Karate Kid
was William Zabka,
185
00:06:50,396 --> 00:06:53,063
star pupil
of the Cobra Kai Dojo,
186
00:06:53,065 --> 00:06:54,598
who this monster
187
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:55,599
defeated
with a cheap,
188
00:06:55,601 --> 00:06:57,884
illegal head-kick
189
00:06:57,886 --> 00:07:03,107
in the most tragically haunting
film ending of all time.
190
00:07:03,109 --> 00:07:06,160
Oh, see, I thought
you meant fun-crazy.
191
00:07:06,162 --> 00:07:07,728
Shut it, Ralph Macchio.
192
00:07:07,730 --> 00:07:09,780
Why don't you go have
a party with Luke Skywalker
193
00:07:09,782 --> 00:07:13,400
and Harry Potter and War Horse
and all the other movie bad guys
194
00:07:13,402 --> 00:07:16,537
and stop ruining mine!
195
00:07:16,539 --> 00:07:19,072
This night has been
catastrophic.
196
00:07:19,074 --> 00:07:21,742
"Catastrophic"!
Everybody pound.
197
00:07:22,677 --> 00:07:23,761
Sorry, bro.
198
00:07:23,763 --> 00:07:24,712
I'm staying.
199
00:07:24,714 --> 00:07:26,130
If this is anything
200
00:07:26,132 --> 00:07:27,748
like my bachelor party--
strippers, booze,
201
00:07:27,750 --> 00:07:29,266
definitely no hand stuff--
wink-wink--
202
00:07:29,268 --> 00:07:33,020
it is gonna be in--
wait for it-- credible.
203
00:07:33,022 --> 00:07:34,054
Incredible!
204
00:07:34,056 --> 00:07:34,972
Wow.
205
00:07:34,974 --> 00:07:36,590
You guys are
actually a lot alike.
206
00:07:36,592 --> 00:07:37,641
You take that back, sir!
207
00:07:37,643 --> 00:07:41,428
I am nothing like
Ralph Macchio!
208
00:07:41,430 --> 00:07:44,314
I mean, did you guys
even get a stripper?
209
00:07:44,316 --> 00:07:45,482
Bro.
210
00:07:45,484 --> 00:07:46,734
Bro.
211
00:07:46,736 --> 00:07:48,435
Of course we
got a stripper.
212
00:07:48,437 --> 00:07:50,537
Do we look like
the kind of dweebs
213
00:07:50,539 --> 00:07:52,456
who wouldn't get a stripper?
214
00:07:54,443 --> 00:07:55,459
And as the saying goes,
215
00:07:55,461 --> 00:07:57,077
what happens in
the sensibly-priced
216
00:07:57,079 --> 00:07:59,279
business hotel outside
Atlantic City stays
217
00:07:59,281 --> 00:08:02,282
in the sensibly-priced business
hotel outside Atlantic City.
218
00:08:04,118 --> 00:08:05,619
Who is it?
219
00:08:05,621 --> 00:08:07,788
Police. We got
a noise complaint from...
220
00:08:07,790 --> 00:08:10,841
Oh, who am I kidding?
I can tell it's dead in there.
221
00:08:10,843 --> 00:08:13,010
I'm the stripper!
222
00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:16,930
Barney?
223
00:08:16,932 --> 00:08:18,265
Quinn?
224
00:08:24,346 --> 00:08:27,374
This is your bachelor party?
You're engaged again,
225
00:08:27,375 --> 00:08:29,659
less than a year
after we broke up?
226
00:08:29,661 --> 00:08:31,445
Is it Robin?
227
00:08:31,447 --> 00:08:32,629
Now, hold on.
228
00:08:32,631 --> 00:08:35,899
You're not the only one
with questions here.
229
00:08:35,901 --> 00:08:38,251
You didn't vet the stripper?!
230
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:40,303
Well, I'm glad
you're so happy.
231
00:08:40,305 --> 00:08:42,589
After we broke up,
I had to move out of the city,
232
00:08:42,591 --> 00:08:44,791
my car got totaled,
and I had to go back
233
00:08:44,793 --> 00:08:46,126
to stripping just to pay rent.
234
00:08:46,128 --> 00:08:49,896
It's like everywhere I look,
my life is a dead-end.
235
00:08:49,898 --> 00:08:51,982
Wow.
236
00:08:51,984 --> 00:08:55,301
I am... I'm so
sorry, Quinn.
237
00:08:55,303 --> 00:08:56,636
So, how does this work?
238
00:08:56,638 --> 00:08:58,822
Do you give me a private
show, or does everyone...?
239
00:08:58,824 --> 00:09:01,191
I am not stripping for you.
240
00:09:01,193 --> 00:09:02,976
Whoa, whoa! I was
promised boobs.
241
00:09:02,978 --> 00:09:04,111
Oh, Ralph,
if you want, I can...
242
00:09:04,113 --> 00:09:05,662
Lily.
243
00:09:05,664 --> 00:09:06,479
Is that the Karate Kid?
244
00:09:06,481 --> 00:09:07,330
Yes! Yes!
Yes!
245
00:09:07,332 --> 00:09:08,281
No!
246
00:09:08,283 --> 00:09:09,332
He's a lot like
Barney, huh?
247
00:09:09,334 --> 00:09:10,867
You take
that back, madam.
248
00:09:10,869 --> 00:09:13,453
I am nothing
like Ralph Macchio!
249
00:09:13,455 --> 00:09:14,755
Okay, okay.
250
00:09:14,757 --> 00:09:15,839
I'll tell you what.
251
00:09:15,841 --> 00:09:18,125
I am going to strip
for everyone here
252
00:09:18,127 --> 00:09:20,627
except Barney.
253
00:09:20,629 --> 00:09:22,763
And I'm gonna make it dirty.
254
00:09:22,765 --> 00:09:25,549
Yeah, um, I'm the bachelor.
255
00:09:25,551 --> 00:09:28,185
Kind of no stripping
without the lap of honor.
256
00:09:28,187 --> 00:09:29,836
Back me up, bros.
257
00:09:33,692 --> 00:09:34,941
How'd you even do that?
258
00:09:34,943 --> 00:09:36,676
- What the...?!
- Oh, my God, yeah!
259
00:09:36,678 --> 00:09:38,195
Hey, Robin.
260
00:09:38,197 --> 00:09:40,346
Hey, sweetie, having fun
at your bachelor party?
261
00:09:40,348 --> 00:09:43,150
No.
Good, 'cause my night's been hell!
262
00:09:43,152 --> 00:09:45,786
And that's the inverted
chimney sweep,
263
00:09:45,788 --> 00:09:48,738
the last of the 17 basic
sexual positions.
264
00:09:48,740 --> 00:09:49,906
Now, bondage...
265
00:09:49,908 --> 00:09:52,025
Stop! I'm not a virgin!
266
00:09:52,027 --> 00:09:54,161
My napkin ring has seen
plenty of breadsticks.
267
00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:56,546
And one baguette.
268
00:09:56,548 --> 00:09:58,165
I dated a center for the Knicks.
269
00:09:58,167 --> 00:10:00,884
Oh, thank God
you're not a prude.
270
00:10:00,886 --> 00:10:03,036
Now we can really talk.
271
00:10:03,038 --> 00:10:05,205
Four cosmos, pronto!
272
00:10:05,207 --> 00:10:06,506
Now she's drunk,
273
00:10:06,508 --> 00:10:08,809
holding up a napkin ring
and three breadsticks,
274
00:10:08,811 --> 00:10:11,428
and talking about her night
with Crosby, Stills and Nash.
275
00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:13,680
Waiter, can I have
another breadstick?
276
00:10:13,682 --> 00:10:14,648
And Young.
277
00:10:14,650 --> 00:10:16,233
Please come back.
278
00:10:16,235 --> 00:10:18,151
Okay.
279
00:10:18,153 --> 00:10:20,821
I'll be there soon.
280
00:10:20,823 --> 00:10:22,189
Real nice.
So beautiful.
281
00:10:22,191 --> 00:10:23,773
I think we really did it.
I think we did it, you know?
282
00:10:23,775 --> 00:10:25,859
You didn't miss a thing.
283
00:10:25,861 --> 00:10:27,244
Oh, Quinn?
Yeah?
284
00:10:27,246 --> 00:10:30,413
You got a little...
something.
285
00:10:30,415 --> 00:10:32,582
Oh! Oh.
286
00:10:36,538 --> 00:10:37,904
Let's head back, guys.
287
00:10:37,906 --> 00:10:40,240
This night has been
completely half-assed.
288
00:10:40,242 --> 00:10:41,574
You obviously missed
the strip show.
289
00:10:41,576 --> 00:10:43,243
Hey-oh!
290
00:10:43,245 --> 00:10:45,595
Ted, this was my bachelor party.
291
00:10:45,597 --> 00:10:49,049
A man only gets two or three
of these in his lifetime.
292
00:10:49,051 --> 00:10:51,251
And this is all you do for me?
293
00:10:51,253 --> 00:10:53,186
That's it, I'm calling it.
294
00:10:53,188 --> 00:10:55,438
Who needs a ride back
to the city?
295
00:10:57,191 --> 00:10:58,141
Oh.
296
00:10:58,143 --> 00:11:00,193
Oh, guys, wait,
hold on, hold on.
297
00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:03,263
Drinking.
298
00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:04,865
A shot.
299
00:11:06,267 --> 00:11:07,600
Shooting.
300
00:11:07,602 --> 00:11:08,702
A gun.
301
00:11:09,704 --> 00:11:11,071
Shot, gun.
302
00:11:11,073 --> 00:11:12,272
Shotgun?
303
00:11:13,292 --> 00:11:15,575
Man, it's crowded
in here.
304
00:11:15,577 --> 00:11:18,295
I know,
it's like a clown car.
305
00:11:18,297 --> 00:11:20,613
Well, I can make some room
by grinding on Ralph's lap.
306
00:11:20,615 --> 00:11:21,631
ing!
307
00:11:21,633 --> 00:11:22,916
I-I meant, I meant sitting.
308
00:11:22,918 --> 00:11:25,752
This is the worst
bachelor party ever.
309
00:11:25,754 --> 00:11:29,890
Man, my bachelor party
was incr-- wait for it--
310
00:11:29,892 --> 00:11:31,141
and I hope you're hungry,
311
00:11:31,143 --> 00:11:34,344
'cause the second half
of this word is-- edible!
312
00:11:34,346 --> 00:11:35,628
Incredible!
313
00:11:35,630 --> 00:11:37,731
Self-shake.
314
00:11:39,685 --> 00:11:41,134
You take that
back, clown.
315
00:11:41,136 --> 00:11:43,236
I am nothing like Ralph Macchio!
316
00:11:43,238 --> 00:11:44,354
Yeah.
317
00:11:44,356 --> 00:11:45,989
You've got more in
common with the clown,
318
00:11:45,991 --> 00:11:47,140
except his suit's
more expensive.
319
00:11:47,142 --> 00:11:48,141
Hey, yo!
320
00:11:49,161 --> 00:11:50,310
I mean, what kind of loser
321
00:11:50,312 --> 00:11:52,412
has his bachelor party
ten yards from A.C.
322
00:11:52,414 --> 00:11:54,114
and doesn't even gamble?
323
00:12:01,156 --> 00:12:02,989
Oh. Oh, sorry.
324
00:12:02,991 --> 00:12:05,709
Sorry. Sorry.
325
00:12:05,711 --> 00:12:07,544
Sorry.
326
00:12:07,546 --> 00:12:08,929
Oh... oh, wait.
327
00:12:08,931 --> 00:12:09,930
Just a little more.
328
00:12:09,932 --> 00:12:11,348
Okay, sorry.
329
00:12:11,350 --> 00:12:12,632
Okay.
330
00:12:15,037 --> 00:12:18,438
...bro mitzvah!
331
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,523
Kids, I'll skip over
the gambling.
332
00:12:20,525 --> 00:12:22,892
Like I said, it was
a complicated game.
333
00:12:22,894 --> 00:12:25,445
Although your old man
did pick it up pretty quickly.
334
00:12:27,566 --> 00:12:28,531
Hey!
335
00:12:28,533 --> 00:12:30,567
You just won 300 bucks!
336
00:12:30,569 --> 00:12:32,936
I just lost $5,000.
337
00:12:32,938 --> 00:12:34,437
Oh, right.
'Cause the chicken.
338
00:12:34,439 --> 00:12:36,689
Yep, that-that's
$5,000, yeah.
339
00:12:38,660 --> 00:12:39,793
See, I'm laughing
340
00:12:39,795 --> 00:12:41,661
because you couldn't see me
take my top off,
341
00:12:41,663 --> 00:12:43,997
but I just saw you lose your shirt.
Hey-yo!
342
00:12:43,999 --> 00:12:45,682
We have to go back.
343
00:12:45,684 --> 00:12:47,884
Loser!
Sorry, that was a real sneeze.
344
00:12:47,886 --> 00:12:50,387
Might have made you miss
what I was saying.
345
00:12:50,389 --> 00:12:51,421
Loser!
346
00:12:51,423 --> 00:12:53,039
Loser.
347
00:12:53,041 --> 00:12:54,707
We're not going anywhere.
348
00:12:54,709 --> 00:12:57,877
I can still make
this night legendary.
349
00:12:57,879 --> 00:12:59,896
Uh, uh...
350
00:13:01,984 --> 00:13:03,716
Oh, oh.
351
00:13:03,718 --> 00:13:06,353
Okay, I got some credit.
352
00:13:06,355 --> 00:13:08,221
I just... mm...
353
00:13:08,223 --> 00:13:09,773
Marshall, stand over there
for good luck?
354
00:13:09,775 --> 00:13:11,308
Oh, sure.
355
00:13:15,946 --> 00:13:17,730
Okay, okay.
356
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:27,407
Oh! Oh!
357
00:13:27,409 --> 00:13:30,377
You crazy son of a bitch,
you did it!
358
00:13:30,379 --> 00:13:33,096
I just lost $80,000.
359
00:13:33,098 --> 00:13:34,848
Oh, right, right, yeah.
'Cause the black jelly bean.
360
00:13:34,850 --> 00:13:36,182
That-That's $80,000.
He's right.
361
00:13:37,969 --> 00:13:40,437
You know, Ralph,
362
00:13:40,439 --> 00:13:44,424
earlier at the salon, I
waxed on, then waxed off.
363
00:13:44,426 --> 00:13:46,259
Everywhere.
364
00:13:46,261 --> 00:13:49,362
Uh, listen, lady,
your husband is, like...
365
00:13:49,364 --> 00:13:51,648
Hey, where is
your husband?
366
00:13:51,650 --> 00:13:52,782
Marshall?
367
00:13:52,784 --> 00:13:54,067
Where's Marshall?!
368
00:13:54,069 --> 00:13:57,871
Okay, Lily,
don't overreact, but...
369
00:14:01,375 --> 00:14:02,575
Oh, oh.
370
00:14:02,577 --> 00:14:04,794
Okay, I got some credit.
371
00:14:04,796 --> 00:14:06,913
Marshall, stand over there
for good luck?
372
00:14:06,915 --> 00:14:09,082
Oh, sure.
373
00:14:12,786 --> 00:14:14,838
You sold my husband?!
374
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:16,890
Lily, can you be more like
the Chinese mobster
375
00:14:16,892 --> 00:14:18,291
and give me some credit?
376
00:14:18,293 --> 00:14:21,561
I'm going back for Marshall;
I just need to get some money.
377
00:14:21,563 --> 00:14:24,597
You have nothing to worry about;
these are the "good" mobsters.
378
00:14:24,599 --> 00:14:27,233
Wow, what kind of bozo
does that to a friend?
379
00:14:27,235 --> 00:14:29,853
Shut it, Ralph Macchio!
380
00:14:29,855 --> 00:14:30,937
No, you shut it!
381
00:14:30,939 --> 00:14:34,357
Ralph Macchio's right,
you are a bozo.
382
00:14:34,359 --> 00:14:36,526
Um, I think they prefer
"people of bright color."
383
00:14:36,528 --> 00:14:38,144
You know what
a bachelor party's about?
384
00:14:38,146 --> 00:14:40,663
Hanging out with your friends
and having a good time.
385
00:14:40,665 --> 00:14:43,700
But you only care about
the good time, not the friends.
386
00:14:43,702 --> 00:14:44,817
So you know what?
387
00:14:44,819 --> 00:14:47,003
I'm-I'm done
caring about you then.
388
00:14:47,005 --> 00:14:48,488
I'm out of here.
389
00:14:48,490 --> 00:14:49,789
Ted...
390
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,877
Ted, Ted, I have...
391
00:14:53,879 --> 00:14:56,346
I just tore your mom away
from a living version
392
00:14:56,348 --> 00:14:59,432
of a Nick Nolte mug shot
and put her in a cab home.
393
00:14:59,434 --> 00:15:01,000
Thank you for abandoning me
394
00:15:01,002 --> 00:15:03,770
on what has been one of
the worst nights of my life.
395
00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:06,172
So, it's my usual fee,
plus I always charge
396
00:15:06,174 --> 00:15:08,558
an extra hundred for
girl-on-clown action.
397
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,977
What the hell
is she doing here?
398
00:15:10,979 --> 00:15:13,146
Robin, I swear,
nothing happened.
399
00:15:13,148 --> 00:15:14,898
That means just hand stuff.
400
00:15:14,900 --> 00:15:17,033
You...!
Oh!
401
00:15:17,035 --> 00:15:20,870
No, no, stop, stop, stop!
402
00:15:20,872 --> 00:15:21,955
Sorry, Barney,
403
00:15:21,957 --> 00:15:25,875
this... this-this is
unforgivable.
404
00:15:25,877 --> 00:15:27,327
It's over.
405
00:15:29,547 --> 00:15:32,081
You know...
406
00:15:32,083 --> 00:15:34,033
I never got to do that.
407
00:15:43,645 --> 00:15:45,211
Ted?
408
00:15:45,213 --> 00:15:47,013
Robin.
409
00:15:47,015 --> 00:15:49,816
We're right on schedule.
410
00:15:53,573 --> 00:15:55,664
Barney is suicidal.
I know, it's awesome!
411
00:15:56,721 --> 00:15:58,388
Yep, kids, we had planned out
412
00:15:58,390 --> 00:15:59,756
every step of the night.
413
00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:01,791
It started three weeks earlier.
414
00:16:01,793 --> 00:16:03,810
...and you will disappoint me.
415
00:16:04,812 --> 00:16:06,930
But make it great, okay?
416
00:16:06,932 --> 00:16:08,982
Oh, it'll be great,
all right!
417
00:16:08,984 --> 00:16:10,867
Okay, after two weeks
of brainstorming,
418
00:16:10,869 --> 00:16:13,319
all I have on my list
so far is Purell.
419
00:16:13,321 --> 00:16:14,854
Marshall, what
do you got?
420
00:16:14,856 --> 00:16:17,106
Well, nothing now.
421
00:16:17,108 --> 00:16:18,625
This is impossible!
422
00:16:18,627 --> 00:16:20,743
How do you make something
memorable for a guy
423
00:16:20,745 --> 00:16:22,996
who makes every night
the best night of his life?
424
00:16:22,998 --> 00:16:26,399
Give him the worst night
of his life.
425
00:16:26,401 --> 00:16:30,370
We'll give him
the worst hotel room
426
00:16:30,372 --> 00:16:32,154
with the worst entertainment,
427
00:16:32,156 --> 00:16:34,090
the wrong Karate Kid,
428
00:16:34,092 --> 00:16:37,326
and the absolute last stripper
he would want to see.
429
00:16:37,328 --> 00:16:38,511
Hold on.
430
00:16:38,513 --> 00:16:40,763
You want me to pretend
my life's gone to crap
431
00:16:40,765 --> 00:16:43,332
and I'm back to stripping
just screw with my ex-fiancé?
432
00:16:44,101 --> 00:16:45,101
I love it!
433
00:16:46,253 --> 00:16:48,972
That party will be so terrible,
he'll have to leave it.
434
00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:52,675
Then I'll instruct
his arch-nemesis to say...
435
00:16:52,677 --> 00:16:55,028
I mean, what kind of loser
has his bachelor party
436
00:16:55,030 --> 00:16:57,530
ten yards from A.C.
and doesn't even gamble?
437
00:16:57,532 --> 00:16:59,866
Barney will take
the envelope of cash I gave him
438
00:16:59,868 --> 00:17:02,235
and head straight
into our trap.
439
00:17:02,237 --> 00:17:03,386
Hold on.
440
00:17:03,388 --> 00:17:05,488
You want us to rig a casino game
441
00:17:05,490 --> 00:17:07,573
to trick one of
our former high rollers?
442
00:17:07,575 --> 00:17:09,409
Um...
443
00:17:09,411 --> 00:17:10,243
I love it.
444
00:17:10,245 --> 00:17:11,878
Well, then
you get Barney
445
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,196
to use one of these
guys as collateral.
446
00:17:14,198 --> 00:17:15,865
He'll probably choose me.
What?
447
00:17:15,867 --> 00:17:17,216
Well, I'd be worth more.
448
00:17:17,218 --> 00:17:18,935
Yeah. Perfect teeth.
449
00:17:18,937 --> 00:17:20,337
Yeah, it's just, uh,
450
00:17:20,338 --> 00:17:22,055
just I'm way more athletic
than you.
451
00:17:22,057 --> 00:17:23,389
Yeah, this coming
from the guy
452
00:17:23,391 --> 00:17:25,391
who's never beaten me
at skee-ball.
453
00:17:25,393 --> 00:17:27,510
The only reason a mobster
might choose you is because
454
00:17:27,512 --> 00:17:29,879
they'd be afraid I'd go all
"Marshall Unchained" on them,
455
00:17:29,881 --> 00:17:31,381
which obviously isn't
a risk with you.
456
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:34,400
Oh, you want to see
some "Ted Unchained," huh?
457
00:17:34,402 --> 00:17:36,235
I'll show you Ted Unchained!
458
00:17:37,237 --> 00:17:38,354
Marshall, would you mind
459
00:17:38,356 --> 00:17:39,889
standing over there
for good luck?
460
00:17:39,891 --> 00:17:41,658
Oh, yeah, sure.
461
00:17:45,779 --> 00:17:47,163
Meanwhile, I'll make sure
462
00:17:47,165 --> 00:17:50,166
he's abandoned me
in my nightmare scenario.
463
00:17:50,168 --> 00:17:53,453
Hold on. You want me to
help you trick my own son?
464
00:17:54,455 --> 00:17:55,621
I love it.
465
00:17:56,508 --> 00:17:57,507
Barney deserves it.
466
00:17:57,509 --> 00:17:59,709
You know, he told me
you were a virgin.
467
00:17:59,711 --> 00:18:01,461
Ridiculous!
468
00:18:01,463 --> 00:18:02,512
I know.
469
00:18:02,514 --> 00:18:05,965
You are a dirty ho-bag
just like me.
470
00:18:06,684 --> 00:18:08,250
But he loves you so much.
471
00:18:08,252 --> 00:18:09,302
And so do I.
472
00:18:11,756 --> 00:18:13,589
Wait, hold on.
Is there any chance
473
00:18:13,591 --> 00:18:16,642
this is all too
mean to Barney?
474
00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:21,330
Just kidding.
475
00:18:21,332 --> 00:18:23,149
Okay, we just need
the finale.
476
00:18:23,151 --> 00:18:25,318
Oh! The Chinese mobsters
chop off my hand
477
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:26,869
right in front of Barney!
478
00:18:27,705 --> 00:18:29,906
Yes, we're all
equally enthused!
479
00:18:32,042 --> 00:18:34,043
Okay, here's the plan.
After I storm off...
480
00:18:34,045 --> 00:18:35,878
Barney!
481
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,964
Barney, hurry!
Give them the money!
482
00:18:37,966 --> 00:18:39,832
Please, hurry!
Oh, no!
483
00:18:39,834 --> 00:18:41,801
The Chinese mobster
is giving Marshall back
484
00:18:41,803 --> 00:18:43,386
and taking me hostage instead,
485
00:18:43,388 --> 00:18:46,122
because he says
I'm obviously more valuable!
486
00:18:46,124 --> 00:18:48,007
Can you, can you
unlock the door?
487
00:18:48,009 --> 00:18:49,058
Barney, please!
488
00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:50,760
They're gonna
chop off my hand!
489
00:18:50,762 --> 00:18:51,794
No, they're not!
490
00:18:51,796 --> 00:18:53,295
They said you're free,
and I think
491
00:18:53,297 --> 00:18:55,398
we agreed that's not
something mobsters would do.
492
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,233
Ted, come on!
This is my thing!
493
00:18:57,235 --> 00:18:58,401
Don't hurt him.
494
00:18:58,403 --> 00:18:59,569
I've got the money.
495
00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:00,987
Too late!
496
00:19:03,941 --> 00:19:06,025
Not my skee-ball hand!
497
00:19:06,977 --> 00:19:08,694
No...!
No...!
498
00:19:08,696 --> 00:19:10,063
No!
499
00:19:11,815 --> 00:19:14,316
Please, just don't shoot me
in the face... or the crotch!
500
00:19:14,318 --> 00:19:16,669
Surprise!
501
00:19:16,671 --> 00:19:19,205
What's going on?
502
00:19:19,207 --> 00:19:20,706
Well, we decided to give you
503
00:19:20,708 --> 00:19:23,092
everything you wanted
for your bachelor party
504
00:19:23,094 --> 00:19:25,161
without you even realizing it.
505
00:19:26,930 --> 00:19:29,882
Wait, so that's why you made me
think Marshall might die?
506
00:19:31,101 --> 00:19:33,669
And I'd lost all that money
and my friends hated me
507
00:19:33,671 --> 00:19:35,438
and my wedding was off?
508
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:36,689
You just decided
509
00:19:36,691 --> 00:19:38,224
to-to check off
510
00:19:38,226 --> 00:19:40,393
everything on this list
in the most
511
00:19:40,395 --> 00:19:42,979
twisted way imaginable?
512
00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:45,364
That is awesome!
513
00:19:45,366 --> 00:19:48,534
And it was all planned
by a girl.
514
00:19:48,536 --> 00:19:49,619
Wow!
515
00:19:51,688 --> 00:19:54,123
So, Lily...
516
00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:56,075
later on tonight,
you want to, um...?
517
00:19:56,077 --> 00:19:58,294
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
518
00:19:58,296 --> 00:20:00,663
That was all just
part of the act.
519
00:20:00,665 --> 00:20:02,381
Y-You knew that, right?
520
00:20:03,217 --> 00:20:04,801
Yeah! Totally.
521
00:20:04,803 --> 00:20:06,535
We pulled it off, right?
522
00:20:06,537 --> 00:20:08,037
Platonic shake!
523
00:20:14,077 --> 00:20:19,649
Everyone, everyone, thank you
for an incredible bro mitzvah.
524
00:20:19,651 --> 00:20:20,733
Mazel brov!
525
00:20:20,735 --> 00:20:22,551
Mazel brov!
526
00:20:24,405 --> 00:20:26,606
Mm, oh, you didn't really get
everything on the list.
527
00:20:26,608 --> 00:20:27,573
N-No offense
528
00:20:27,575 --> 00:20:28,825
to Ralph Macchio,
529
00:20:28,827 --> 00:20:31,160
but he ain't the Karate Kid.
530
00:20:31,162 --> 00:20:33,112
I couldn't agree
with you more.
531
00:20:35,082 --> 00:20:38,084
You know,
they almost didn't get me.
532
00:20:39,837 --> 00:20:43,789
But after
18 voice mails...
533
00:20:43,791 --> 00:20:46,592
I returned Robin's call.
534
00:20:46,594 --> 00:20:47,960
And she told me
535
00:20:47,962 --> 00:20:50,847
how you're one of the
few people in the world
536
00:20:50,849 --> 00:20:53,099
who truly gets
The Karate Kid movie.
537
00:20:54,251 --> 00:20:57,937
So when she asked if I'd help,
538
00:20:57,939 --> 00:21:00,356
well, my answer
just had to be...
539
00:21:02,526 --> 00:21:04,310
Hai!
540
00:21:04,852 --> 00:21:07,152
William Zabka!
541
00:21:07,154 --> 00:21:11,254
== sync, corrected by elderman ==