1
00:00:04,813 --> 00:00:07,666
You guys. You guys will not
believe what just happened.
2
00:00:07,766 --> 00:00:09,015
On my way here, a taxi
3
00:00:09,017 --> 00:00:11,317
jumped the curb
and it pinned this old lady,
4
00:00:11,319 --> 00:00:13,686
and I-I just went into this,
like, crazy adrenaline mode
5
00:00:13,688 --> 00:00:15,238
and I somehow lifted it off her.
6
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:16,856
Oh, my God, Ted,
your wrist.
7
00:00:16,858 --> 00:00:18,474
Oh, yeah, I guess
it's a little swollen.
8
00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:20,243
I must've strained it lifting.
No,
9
00:00:20,245 --> 00:00:21,828
I believe our dear
friend Lily was referring
10
00:00:21,830 --> 00:00:23,029
to your other wrist.
11
00:00:23,031 --> 00:00:25,081
The one wearing the
male birth control.
12
00:00:25,083 --> 00:00:26,349
I was gonna go with
13
00:00:26,351 --> 00:00:27,417
"chastity bracelet."
14
00:00:27,419 --> 00:00:29,819
God, is it possible
to love you more?
15
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,254
Really?
Really? I just
16
00:00:31,256 --> 00:00:33,339
saved someone's life, and
you guys are focusing on this?
17
00:00:33,341 --> 00:00:35,041
Yeah, you know what,
guys? Leave him alone.
18
00:00:35,043 --> 00:00:36,209
All right,
he's a hero.
19
00:00:36,211 --> 00:00:37,343
Thank you.
20
00:00:37,345 --> 00:00:39,829
Do you think that your
super strength came from
21
00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:41,381
wearing Wonder Woman's
magic wrist cuff?
22
00:00:43,134 --> 00:00:45,167
Yeah, I'll have you know
that because of this cuff,
23
00:00:45,169 --> 00:00:46,636
I have a date.
24
00:00:46,638 --> 00:00:47,887
With some hand lotion
and the Internet?
25
00:00:47,889 --> 00:00:50,306
It is possible
to love you more!
26
00:00:50,308 --> 00:00:53,009
She exists.
27
00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:55,478
And she's right outside.
28
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:56,362
Great. Bring her in.
29
00:00:56,364 --> 00:00:57,730
You know what? It's so nice out.
30
00:00:57,732 --> 00:00:59,732
Why don't... why don't
we just all go for a walk.
31
00:00:59,734 --> 00:01:01,784
It's pouring rain, Ted.
I think it's pretty obvious
32
00:01:01,786 --> 00:01:03,403
she can't fit through the door.
Mm.
33
00:01:03,405 --> 00:01:05,471
She is a gorgeous,
athletic woman.
34
00:01:05,473 --> 00:01:07,907
"Athletic"?
Sideburns, no cans.
35
00:01:07,909 --> 00:01:09,092
She is hot.
36
00:01:09,094 --> 00:01:11,027
So why can't
she come in, Ted?
37
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:13,913
She can come in.
38
00:01:13,915 --> 00:01:16,249
In six and a half months.
39
00:01:16,251 --> 00:01:18,201
Wait.
Are you saying she's...
40
00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:19,235
Twenty.
41
00:01:19,237 --> 00:01:20,336
And a half.
42
00:01:20,338 --> 00:01:21,537
Almost.
43
00:01:24,396 --> 00:01:28,396
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x14 ♪
Ring Up
Original Air Date on January 21, 2013
44
00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:33,421
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
45
00:01:37,438 --> 00:01:40,273
Ah-ah! Hold up, guys.
46
00:01:40,275 --> 00:01:43,609
She had to bounce. Um,
a flash mob broke out in front
47
00:01:43,611 --> 00:01:46,362
of a line of Korean-Mexican
food trucks in Williamsburg.
48
00:01:46,364 --> 00:01:47,396
The only thing
49
00:01:47,398 --> 00:01:49,015
that would make her
more of a 20-year-old
50
00:01:49,017 --> 00:01:50,616
is an ironic form
51
00:01:50,618 --> 00:01:51,668
- of transportation.
- Yeah.
52
00:01:51,670 --> 00:01:52,852
She's roller skating there.
53
00:01:53,838 --> 00:01:55,455
I don't know
which is more pathetic--
54
00:01:55,457 --> 00:01:57,457
that you're going out
with a 20-year-old
55
00:01:57,459 --> 00:02:00,376
or that you bought a leather
cuff to get a date with her.
56
00:02:00,378 --> 00:02:01,744
I didn't buy this
57
00:02:01,746 --> 00:02:02,929
to get a date.
58
00:02:02,931 --> 00:02:04,547
I just happened to be out
59
00:02:04,549 --> 00:02:05,915
catching up on
some Saturday afternoon
60
00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:07,249
leather cuff shopping,
Oh.
61
00:02:07,251 --> 00:02:10,219
and she just happened to be
a leather cuff saleswoman.
62
00:02:12,273 --> 00:02:14,474
God, I am so glad I am
done chasing bimbos.
63
00:02:14,476 --> 00:02:16,926
Now that I'm engaged,
that whole part of my life
64
00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:18,528
just seems
sad and empty.
65
00:02:18,530 --> 00:02:19,595
I don't want this
to sound
66
00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:21,898
too harsh, Ted,
but you disgust me.
67
00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:25,535
Until a month ago, your
headboard had a lube dispenser.
68
00:02:25,537 --> 00:02:26,819
Uh, yeah.
69
00:02:26,821 --> 00:02:29,238
We got rid of that, okay?
Yeah.
70
00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,490
Anyway, speaking of engaged,
71
00:02:30,492 --> 00:02:32,658
check out what got back
from being resized.
72
00:02:32,660 --> 00:02:35,828
Oh, my God.
Look at the size of that rock.
73
00:02:35,830 --> 00:02:37,163
Barney, you don't
74
00:02:37,165 --> 00:02:39,448
start with the
I-got-caught-cheating diamond.
75
00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:41,450
You give yourself
room to grow.
76
00:02:41,452 --> 00:02:42,451
It's a family heirloom.
77
00:02:42,453 --> 00:02:43,953
Yeah, I got
a few dirty looks
78
00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:45,421
from Barney's half-sister
over Christmas,
79
00:02:45,423 --> 00:02:48,257
so I had to sit her down
and explain very respectfully...
80
00:02:48,259 --> 00:02:49,342
that she can suck it.
81
00:02:49,344 --> 00:02:50,292
Okay.
82
00:02:50,294 --> 00:02:51,293
I got to bounce.
83
00:02:51,295 --> 00:02:52,178
Stop saying that.
84
00:02:52,180 --> 00:02:53,980
This DJ from Dubai is spinning
85
00:02:53,982 --> 00:02:55,832
at an abandoned loading dock
in Bushwick.
86
00:02:55,834 --> 00:02:57,483
I'm worried I don't
have enough layers.
87
00:02:57,485 --> 00:02:59,118
So what if my friends
88
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:00,486
thought it was doomed?
89
00:03:00,488 --> 00:03:02,638
I was still young, and I knew
that a night of partying
90
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,323
with a girl
over a decade younger than me
91
00:03:04,325 --> 00:03:05,691
would be a total...
92
00:03:05,693 --> 00:03:08,494
...disaster. She's like
an entirely different species.
93
00:03:09,781 --> 00:03:11,948
And I definitely didn't
have enough layers.
94
00:03:11,950 --> 00:03:14,450
I didn't understand half
the words she was saying.
95
00:03:14,452 --> 00:03:18,037
To me, it all sounded
like hipster Mad Libs.
96
00:03:18,039 --> 00:03:19,455
Didn't you check your phone?
97
00:03:19,457 --> 00:03:21,507
I just "means of contacting" you
98
00:03:21,509 --> 00:03:23,760
on "currently hot
social networking site."
99
00:03:23,762 --> 00:03:24,710
The show's been moved
100
00:03:24,712 --> 00:03:25,795
to "New York neighborhood
101
00:03:25,797 --> 00:03:27,096
you've never heard of."
102
00:03:27,931 --> 00:03:31,851
Oh. Wow, my phone has a clock.
103
00:03:31,853 --> 00:03:35,304
And they subsist on a diet of
pointlessly weird combinations.
104
00:03:35,306 --> 00:03:36,355
Ooh.
105
00:03:36,357 --> 00:03:38,141
Hey, do you want to split
a kimchi cupcake
106
00:03:38,143 --> 00:03:39,308
with bacon frosting?
107
00:03:39,310 --> 00:03:40,693
They are the best here.
108
00:03:40,695 --> 00:03:42,361
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that'll go great with my
109
00:03:42,363 --> 00:03:44,313
cucumber jalapeño
egg cream.
110
00:03:44,315 --> 00:03:45,481
Chug it! Come on. Come on.
111
00:03:45,483 --> 00:03:47,116
We got to get going.
Right. Okay.
112
00:03:50,487 --> 00:03:52,521
Then later, at a club
in Chinatown
113
00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,874
somehow located
beneath a manhole cover,
114
00:03:54,876 --> 00:03:55,992
it got weird.
115
00:03:55,994 --> 00:03:57,293
God, I just love those
116
00:03:57,295 --> 00:03:59,796
tiny gray hairs
in your eyebrows.
117
00:04:00,447 --> 00:04:02,698
Old men are so sexy.
118
00:04:03,835 --> 00:04:05,451
All right, to be fair,
119
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,137
some of those gray hairs
were dried egg cream.
120
00:04:08,139 --> 00:04:09,338
Turns out, when you
121
00:04:09,340 --> 00:04:10,506
projectile vomit on skates,
122
00:04:10,508 --> 00:04:11,757
you roll right into the spray.
123
00:04:11,759 --> 00:04:14,310
Wait, how old does
she think you are?
124
00:04:14,312 --> 00:04:16,045
So, were you in Vietnam?
125
00:04:17,081 --> 00:04:18,631
Hold that groan.
126
00:04:19,684 --> 00:04:22,819
Charlie was everywhere.
127
00:04:22,821 --> 00:04:24,737
She's hot! She likes old guys!
128
00:04:24,739 --> 00:04:25,905
Don't judge me!
129
00:04:25,907 --> 00:04:29,075
Anyway, when we got out
on the dance floor, th...
130
00:04:29,077 --> 00:04:31,694
I swear, this is what all
the 20-year-olds looked like...
131
00:04:36,784 --> 00:04:39,401
I want to thank you for your
service to this nation, Private.
132
00:04:39,403 --> 00:04:40,736
Colonel.
133
00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:41,370
Aw.
134
00:04:41,372 --> 00:04:43,039
I got to end this.
135
00:04:43,041 --> 00:04:44,507
Yeah, seriously, Ted.
136
00:04:44,509 --> 00:04:47,126
Pretending to be someone else
just to get laid?
137
00:04:47,128 --> 00:04:49,011
That's...
embarrassing.
138
00:04:49,013 --> 00:04:50,129
Your Highness!
139
00:04:50,131 --> 00:04:52,348
Let's go.
140
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:54,917
Ew. Marshall,
take that off.
141
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,220
What? I think it looks
kind of cool.
142
00:04:57,222 --> 00:04:58,554
Cool?
143
00:04:58,556 --> 00:05:01,474
You look like one of those jerks
who's in some lame band
144
00:05:01,476 --> 00:05:05,528
and rides a motorcycle without
a helmet and has a wallet chain
145
00:05:05,530 --> 00:05:07,897
and neck tattoos
and a drug problem.
146
00:05:07,899 --> 00:05:09,532
Not a... a big one, just, uh...
147
00:05:09,534 --> 00:05:13,236
enough that he deals a little
bit on the side, and...
148
00:05:13,238 --> 00:05:16,739
he can never...
ever be true to one woman.
149
00:05:16,741 --> 00:05:18,774
Finish that damn pickle
and do me!
150
00:05:22,797 --> 00:05:25,381
Okay, you guys know how
my mornings usually go.
151
00:05:25,383 --> 00:05:26,749
Why would we care how...
152
00:05:26,751 --> 00:05:27,967
Usually it's like this.
153
00:05:29,304 --> 00:05:31,287
After you.
154
00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:32,722
Aw, thank you.
155
00:05:37,627 --> 00:05:39,262
On the house, Robin!
156
00:05:40,347 --> 00:05:42,899
♪ Take this bagel on the house
157
00:05:42,901 --> 00:05:45,101
♪ Have a paper on the house
158
00:05:45,103 --> 00:05:46,936
♪ I'd give you a house
on the house ♪
159
00:05:46,938 --> 00:05:49,522
♪ If I could
160
00:05:49,524 --> 00:05:51,473
♪ You're so beautiful
161
00:05:51,475 --> 00:05:55,194
♪ Everything in life
should be free ♪
162
00:05:55,196 --> 00:05:59,865
♪ It's so wonderful to be me!
163
00:05:59,867 --> 00:06:01,033
Mmm.
164
00:06:01,035 --> 00:06:02,535
Wow.
165
00:06:02,537 --> 00:06:05,922
Do little bluebirds help you
get dressed in the morning, too?
166
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:08,207
♪ She's exaggerating
167
00:06:08,209 --> 00:06:14,297
♪ To make a point!
168
00:06:14,299 --> 00:06:16,432
But today was different.
169
00:06:18,019 --> 00:06:19,268
That'll be $3.75.
170
00:06:19,270 --> 00:06:21,437
But I didn't have
to pay yesterday.
171
00:06:21,439 --> 00:06:23,105
Okay. $7.50.
172
00:06:24,359 --> 00:06:26,692
Oh, honey-sweetie-baby.
It's the ring, Robin.
173
00:06:26,694 --> 00:06:28,177
The ring has power.
174
00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:30,012
When a woman puts on
an engagement ring,
175
00:06:30,014 --> 00:06:32,148
it's like when Bilbo Baggins
wears the One Ring
176
00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:33,232
in The Hobbit.
177
00:06:33,234 --> 00:06:35,017
Okay, can you say that again
but not in nerd?
178
00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:37,686
Sure. Uh, the ring
is like the cloak
179
00:06:37,688 --> 00:06:40,039
that Harry Potter wears
to sneak around Hogwarts.
180
00:06:40,041 --> 00:06:41,490
Yeah, I don't speak virgin
either.
181
00:06:41,492 --> 00:06:44,126
The ring-- it
makes you invisible.
182
00:06:46,331 --> 00:06:49,799
You're not precious.
183
00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:00,176
Oh, good, you're awake.
184
00:07:01,813 --> 00:07:03,062
Look, Ted,
185
00:07:03,064 --> 00:07:04,764
there's something
we have to talk about.
186
00:07:04,766 --> 00:07:07,149
Boundaries?
Invasion of privacy?
187
00:07:07,151 --> 00:07:09,185
Losing your key privileges?
188
00:07:09,187 --> 00:07:11,570
It's about the 20-year-old, Ted.
189
00:07:11,572 --> 00:07:13,555
You have to bang her.
190
00:07:13,557 --> 00:07:15,024
For me!
191
00:07:18,970 --> 00:07:21,032
Why do you want me to hook
up with this 20-year-old?
192
00:07:21,132 --> 00:07:22,515
I thought I disgusted you.
193
00:07:22,517 --> 00:07:24,184
Yeah, that was
all an act.
194
00:07:24,186 --> 00:07:26,436
Look, look, look, I love Robin
195
00:07:26,438 --> 00:07:28,805
and she's the only girl
I want to be with.
196
00:07:28,807 --> 00:07:32,809
But my body is detoxing
after years of one-night stands.
197
00:07:32,811 --> 00:07:33,793
They don't make
198
00:07:33,795 --> 00:07:36,312
gum or a patch for this, Ted.
199
00:07:36,314 --> 00:07:38,198
But, hey,
billion-dollar idea alert.
200
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,700
Oh, yeah.
201
00:07:40,702 --> 00:07:42,869
That's okay. I'll just buy
a new dream journal.
202
00:07:43,704 --> 00:07:47,290
What-what-what
are you looking for?
203
00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:48,258
Your phone.
204
00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:49,460
There's got to
be some pictures
205
00:07:49,461 --> 00:07:50,426
of her in here.
206
00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:52,128
Damn it. No.
207
00:07:52,130 --> 00:07:53,580
Those are all worthless.
208
00:07:53,582 --> 00:07:55,998
I need some one-night-stand
material, Ted.
209
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,268
Oh. Oh. Here's your mom.
Hello, Virginia.
210
00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:01,271
Um, my mother is not
one-night-stand material.
211
00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:03,807
Yeah, you're right. It wasn't
night and we weren't standing.
212
00:08:03,809 --> 00:08:05,174
Hey-oh!
213
00:08:05,176 --> 00:08:06,559
That didn't happen.
214
00:08:06,561 --> 00:08:08,978
You're right. It didn't.
215
00:08:08,980 --> 00:08:09,896
You just winked.
216
00:08:09,898 --> 00:08:11,197
No, I didn't.
217
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:12,198
You just did it again!
218
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,851
Look, bottom
line: I need you
219
00:08:14,853 --> 00:08:16,786
to proxy bang this girl for me.
220
00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:17,954
Be my stand-in
221
00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:20,039
and put your gland in.
222
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,075
Hey, wow,
that'd be good on a hat.
223
00:08:22,077 --> 00:08:23,576
Barney,
224
00:08:23,578 --> 00:08:26,746
she's just using me
for my gracefully aging body.
225
00:08:26,748 --> 00:08:29,365
You're picking now
to get some self-respect?
226
00:08:29,367 --> 00:08:33,303
You once banged a blind girl by
pretending to be Sean Connery.
227
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:34,504
That was you.
228
00:08:34,506 --> 00:08:36,205
Yeah, that conquest
229
00:08:36,207 --> 00:08:37,974
was most enjoyable.
230
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,726
I'm sorry.
T-To hook up with a girl,
231
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:42,044
I have to connect with her
at least a little.
232
00:08:42,046 --> 00:08:44,147
Then find a connection.
233
00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:45,398
Just go simple.
234
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,484
Nothing about weird poets
or buildings
235
00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:51,220
or any of those stupid articles
you've ever e-mailed me
236
00:08:51,222 --> 00:08:53,723
with the subject line
"Food for thought."
237
00:08:54,525 --> 00:08:56,359
Please, Ted.
238
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:57,994
I need this.
239
00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:59,662
Fine. You win.
240
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:00,463
I'll bang
241
00:09:00,465 --> 00:09:02,031
a hot 20-year-old.
242
00:09:02,884 --> 00:09:03,900
But I'm not gonna enjoy...
243
00:09:03,902 --> 00:09:04,901
Oh, who am I kidding?
244
00:09:04,903 --> 00:09:06,085
It's gonna be awesome.
245
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:09,255
Now, turn off the lights and go.
246
00:09:10,291 --> 00:09:12,458
Not all the way!
247
00:09:14,545 --> 00:09:16,512
Hello. Yeah, three...
248
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,998
Okay, normally New York
is the friendliest,
249
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,134
most affordable city
in the world.
250
00:09:21,136 --> 00:09:24,370
Now it's as rude and expensive
as San Francisco.
251
00:09:24,372 --> 00:09:26,389
Guys?
252
00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:28,308
Oh, hey, that's life
once you're engaged.
253
00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:31,361
Oh, tell her, baby.
Make it hurt.
254
00:09:32,229 --> 00:09:33,563
I'll be at the booth.
255
00:09:33,565 --> 00:09:35,481
My panties may
or may not be on
256
00:09:35,483 --> 00:09:37,099
when you get there.
257
00:09:37,101 --> 00:09:39,152
They won't be!
258
00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:42,071
Okay, what is going
on with you guys?
259
00:09:42,073 --> 00:09:43,323
It's the cuff.
260
00:09:43,325 --> 00:09:45,875
It turns out that picturing me
as a loser musician
261
00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:48,161
with a Vicodin addiction
and a beat-up van
262
00:09:48,163 --> 00:09:52,165
I use to steal copper wire
really turns Lily's crank.
263
00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:53,166
Who knew?
264
00:09:53,168 --> 00:09:54,918
Whoa, what-what happened
to your wrist?
265
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,954
Oh. It's an allergic reaction.
266
00:09:57,956 --> 00:09:59,339
So take it off.
267
00:09:59,341 --> 00:10:01,290
Robin, once you have a child,
268
00:10:01,292 --> 00:10:03,476
anything that gets you
even remotely close
269
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:06,846
to the possibility of sex is
worth a few pus-filled blisters.
270
00:10:06,848 --> 00:10:09,399
Better the sores
weep than I.
271
00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:12,468
Hey, hold on. That
slut just got here.
272
00:10:12,470 --> 00:10:14,570
How'd she get
beer already?
273
00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,623
Do you see a ring
on that finger?
274
00:10:16,625 --> 00:10:18,524
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
275
00:10:18,526 --> 00:10:20,159
Are you saying that
this invisibility thing
276
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:22,195
means I might not be able
to get beer?
277
00:10:22,197 --> 00:10:24,998
I was just getting used to the
idea of having to pay for coffee
278
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,199
and bagels and rent.
279
00:10:26,201 --> 00:10:27,300
Rent?
But not being able
280
00:10:27,302 --> 00:10:29,752
to get a beer? Unacceptable.
281
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:33,873
Excuse me.
282
00:10:33,875 --> 00:10:35,792
Hot girl coming through.
283
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,852
Huh.
284
00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:48,354
Three beers, please.
285
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:49,672
♪ Take the...
286
00:10:52,810 --> 00:10:55,478
Damn it, ring!
287
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,346
Oh, yeah, baby.
Mm-hmm.
288
00:10:57,348 --> 00:10:59,615
Later you should totally
go out and buy a switchblade.
289
00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:00,950
Mm. Sure.
290
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:03,853
While I'm out, maybe Daddy
picks up some diapers
291
00:11:03,855 --> 00:11:07,073
and a little mild salsa
because we're low.
292
00:11:09,994 --> 00:11:11,828
Well, you're right--
293
00:11:11,830 --> 00:11:14,664
I'm invisible.
294
00:11:19,671 --> 00:11:21,537
That night, the only person
295
00:11:21,539 --> 00:11:24,424
in worse shape than Robin
was her fiancé.
296
00:11:24,426 --> 00:11:26,259
Ted, I'm desperate.
297
00:11:26,261 --> 00:11:28,261
Earlier today,
I saw that wrist cuff
298
00:11:28,263 --> 00:11:30,313
and I got a partial
for Marshall.
299
00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:31,981
Did you bang that girl yet?
300
00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:34,017
Don't get your hopes,
or anything else, up.
301
00:11:34,019 --> 00:11:35,651
I tried to connect with her,
302
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:37,553
but everything
just comes back
303
00:11:37,555 --> 00:11:39,856
to her weird fetish
about how old I am.
304
00:11:39,858 --> 00:11:43,225
Well, j-just go simple--
does she like TV?
305
00:11:43,227 --> 00:11:44,243
No.
306
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,329
But I'll watch 60 Minutes
with you
307
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:49,499
as loud and as long as you want.
308
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:50,533
Sports?
309
00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:51,784
No.
310
00:11:51,786 --> 00:11:54,370
But I bet you look super hot
playing shuffleboard,
311
00:11:54,372 --> 00:11:57,790
just... slathered in Bengay.
312
00:11:57,792 --> 00:11:59,208
Well, does she like books?
313
00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:00,743
No.
314
00:12:00,745 --> 00:12:02,762
But I bet you do.
315
00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:04,013
Mm-hmm.
316
00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:06,099
I bet you have a big, thick
317
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:08,301
pair of bifocals.
318
00:12:08,303 --> 00:12:11,387
She doesn't have daddy issues,
she has granddaddy issues.
319
00:12:11,389 --> 00:12:12,922
I'm ending it.
320
00:12:12,924 --> 00:12:16,109
Ted, I beg of you, don't quit
on a body that won't quit.
321
00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:18,427
Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet
on a bumper sticker.
322
00:12:18,429 --> 00:12:19,645
That's going in the journal.
323
00:12:19,647 --> 00:12:21,030
Wait, did you steal
324
00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:22,365
my dream journal?
325
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,951
No! Now, get back in there
before all your teeth fall out
326
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:27,153
and you're naked in front
of Shaker Heights High School
327
00:12:27,155 --> 00:12:28,871
in a play
you never rehearsed for.
328
00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,272
Bastard!
329
00:12:30,274 --> 00:12:33,109
We don't connect
on a single thing. It's over.
330
00:12:33,111 --> 00:12:35,495
It's not...
331
00:12:35,497 --> 00:12:37,130
Look, Carly, I got
to tell you something.
332
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,949
I just, I don't see
a future here.
333
00:12:39,951 --> 00:12:42,218
Oh, my God.
334
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,420
Are you dying?
335
00:12:45,089 --> 00:12:47,423
Oh, that is so hot.
336
00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,511
Hey...
337
00:12:51,513 --> 00:12:53,146
is that R2-D2?
338
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,398
Do you like Star Wars?
339
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,299
I love Star Wars.
340
00:12:57,301 --> 00:12:58,634
Me, too!
341
00:12:58,636 --> 00:13:01,971
♪
342
00:13:01,973 --> 00:13:04,574
I mean, I've only
seen the new ones.
343
00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:06,609
Close enough.
344
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,481
So?
345
00:13:12,483 --> 00:13:13,366
Yeah.
346
00:13:13,368 --> 00:13:15,084
I knew it!
I could feel it.
347
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:18,121
It's almost like we were
hooking up with her together.
348
00:13:18,123 --> 00:13:19,372
You felt that, right?
349
00:13:19,374 --> 00:13:20,923
I couldn't have performed
if I did.
350
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,291
Don't you see, Ted?
351
00:13:22,293 --> 00:13:24,961
We had a bro-nnection.
352
00:13:24,963 --> 00:13:27,163
All right, I got to know
353
00:13:27,165 --> 00:13:28,714
what she looks like--
show me a picture.
354
00:13:28,716 --> 00:13:30,666
Well, normally,
I'm above such things,
355
00:13:30,668 --> 00:13:33,803
but it's been a while,
and, uh, Teddy's braggin'.
356
00:13:33,805 --> 00:13:35,504
Okay, here she is.
357
00:13:36,056 --> 00:13:38,641
Okay. Scrolling up.
358
00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:39,859
Oh, yeah, those are
359
00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:41,844
"plow me" heels. Nice.
Uh-huh.
360
00:13:41,846 --> 00:13:45,364
The knee bruise is encouraging.
361
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:48,684
Working our way up
to those 20-year-old ta-tas.
362
00:13:48,686 --> 00:13:51,120
Oh... gravity's cruel grasp
363
00:13:51,122 --> 00:13:54,190
hasn't found you yet,
my sweet perky miracles.
364
00:13:55,743 --> 00:13:57,827
Now, let's get a gander
at Dirty Girl's face.
365
00:13:57,829 --> 00:13:58,828
Mm-hmm.
366
00:14:01,181 --> 00:14:04,083
Her face says, "Ready to bone,"
am I right?
367
00:14:05,169 --> 00:14:08,087
I say again, am I right?
368
00:14:09,591 --> 00:14:11,751
That's my half sister.
369
00:14:13,376 --> 00:14:17,395
Then you probably shouldn't
scroll to the next picture.
370
00:14:19,399 --> 00:14:21,383
No!
371
00:14:25,676 --> 00:14:27,127
That's my sister, Ted!
372
00:14:27,227 --> 00:14:28,727
Well, look,
I didn't know!
373
00:14:28,729 --> 00:14:30,528
None of us even knew
you had a sister
374
00:14:30,530 --> 00:14:32,497
until two years ago,
including you!
375
00:14:32,499 --> 00:14:34,232
This is just
some crazy coincidence.
376
00:14:34,234 --> 00:14:36,568
There are four million women
in the city of New York,
377
00:14:36,570 --> 00:14:38,069
Ted, and you sleep
with my sister?
378
00:14:38,071 --> 00:14:40,103
Why would the universe
do that to me?
379
00:14:40,128 --> 00:14:40,990
I don't know.
380
00:14:40,991 --> 00:14:43,074
It's not like you've ever
treated women in such a way
381
00:14:43,076 --> 00:14:44,626
that would invite some sort
of karmic retribution.
382
00:14:44,628 --> 00:14:46,944
You banged my sister!
383
00:14:46,946 --> 00:14:49,798
My sweet, little, innocent...
384
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,266
Pierced.
Really? Where?
385
00:14:51,268 --> 00:14:53,618
Don't answer that!
Now I know
386
00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:56,805
why I felt everything
you did to her last night.
387
00:14:56,807 --> 00:15:00,558
It wasn't a bro-nnection,
it was a sis-nnection!
388
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:01,843
Oh, my God.
389
00:15:01,845 --> 00:15:04,979
Ted... did you...
390
00:15:07,533 --> 00:15:09,184
Big-time.
391
00:15:09,186 --> 00:15:10,468
Nice! High five!
392
00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:12,020
Wait! No! No!
393
00:15:12,022 --> 00:15:13,271
Retraction five!
394
00:15:15,909 --> 00:15:18,526
Hey, hey, you're the one
who begged for a proxy bang.
395
00:15:18,528 --> 00:15:20,161
And while we're
on the subject of family,
396
00:15:20,163 --> 00:15:22,864
I'm pretty sure you banged
my mom-- mom beats sister.
397
00:15:22,866 --> 00:15:25,333
I never banged your mom.
398
00:15:25,335 --> 00:15:27,151
You just did
the winking thing again!
399
00:15:27,153 --> 00:15:29,003
No, I didn't.
400
00:15:29,005 --> 00:15:31,206
Fine. Hey, Barney,
let me ask you something.
401
00:15:31,208 --> 00:15:33,208
Were you, uh, feeling
a little sore this morning?
402
00:15:33,210 --> 00:15:34,459
Especially...
403
00:15:37,180 --> 00:15:39,381
Friendship over!
404
00:15:41,016 --> 00:15:42,634
Oh, yeah.
405
00:15:42,636 --> 00:15:47,806
Who's your guitar-player-biker-
who-couldn't-find-mild-salsa-
406
00:15:47,808 --> 00:15:51,192
but-said-screw-it-
and-went-medium bad boy?
407
00:15:53,012 --> 00:15:54,562
Marshall, your hand!
408
00:15:54,564 --> 00:15:56,598
Okay, I'm pretty sure
it wasn't that bad,
409
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,350
but this is how Uncle Marshall
likes to tell the story.
410
00:15:59,352 --> 00:16:02,237
Oh, yeah, no,
that's the cuff.
411
00:16:02,239 --> 00:16:05,356
I'm woozy,
and I can't flex my fingers...
412
00:16:06,526 --> 00:16:08,626
...and the rotten fish smell
is getting stronger.
413
00:16:08,628 --> 00:16:11,496
But I'm learning to compensate
with my left.
414
00:16:11,498 --> 00:16:14,632
Is that why last night when
I asked you to honka honka me
415
00:16:14,634 --> 00:16:16,084
you only honka'd me?
416
00:16:16,086 --> 00:16:17,535
I didn't think you noticed.
417
00:16:17,537 --> 00:16:20,555
Snap's been jealous
of Crackle all day.
418
00:16:20,557 --> 00:16:22,474
Just take the cuff off.
419
00:16:22,476 --> 00:16:24,759
No, but, baby,
then all the sex will stop.
420
00:16:24,761 --> 00:16:28,680
Marshall, you don't need a cuff
for me to find you sexy.
421
00:16:28,682 --> 00:16:30,181
All you have to do
422
00:16:30,183 --> 00:16:32,784
is smile, and I'm ready
for you to hop on Pop.
423
00:16:32,786 --> 00:16:35,236
Thanks, baby.
424
00:16:35,238 --> 00:16:38,556
Are you too woozy to
do it one last time
425
00:16:38,558 --> 00:16:41,192
before we seek emergency
medical attention?
426
00:16:41,194 --> 00:16:43,060
Only one way to find out.
427
00:16:43,062 --> 00:16:45,062
Mm.
428
00:16:49,685 --> 00:16:53,004
I'm sorry, bro,
I totally overreacted.
429
00:16:53,006 --> 00:16:54,739
You think?
I can't believe
430
00:16:54,741 --> 00:16:56,841
you're allowed
to ship a dead possum.
431
00:16:56,843 --> 00:16:58,343
He died?
432
00:16:58,345 --> 00:17:01,546
That possum was supposed
to be an olive branch.
433
00:17:01,548 --> 00:17:04,966
Are you sure
he's not just playing dead?
434
00:17:04,968 --> 00:17:06,935
He smells like Marshall's hand.
435
00:17:06,937 --> 00:17:08,887
And wait, you-you forgive me?
436
00:17:08,889 --> 00:17:11,105
Absolutely.
Hey, I got a couple "cee-gars."
437
00:17:11,107 --> 00:17:12,307
Get over here!
438
00:17:12,309 --> 00:17:15,226
All right.
So, where are those "cee-gars"?
439
00:17:15,228 --> 00:17:16,928
Eh, we'll break 'em
out in a minute.
440
00:17:16,930 --> 00:17:18,780
Hey, Barn.
441
00:17:19,615 --> 00:17:21,316
Ted?
442
00:17:21,318 --> 00:17:23,434
Barney, what is
your sister doing here?
443
00:17:23,436 --> 00:17:25,436
Nothing, bro.
Or should I say,
444
00:17:25,438 --> 00:17:27,622
bro-in-law!
445
00:17:40,337 --> 00:17:41,669
Congratulations!
446
00:17:41,671 --> 00:17:44,422
You're marrying
my sister!
447
00:17:44,424 --> 00:17:47,425
And you spared no expense,
you big crazy!
448
00:17:50,145 --> 00:17:53,297
You know what?
I love Barney,
449
00:17:53,299 --> 00:17:54,599
but this ring thing sucks.
450
00:17:54,601 --> 00:17:56,818
Some gross guy just
brushed up against my rack
451
00:17:56,820 --> 00:17:58,269
and then apologized.
452
00:17:58,271 --> 00:18:00,688
And I think he really,
really meant it.
453
00:18:00,690 --> 00:18:04,075
Oh, sweetie, I know it's nice
to be groped by strangers,
454
00:18:04,077 --> 00:18:06,160
but nothing beats
the rush you get
455
00:18:06,162 --> 00:18:08,646
when that one special person
looks at you.
456
00:18:08,648 --> 00:18:10,114
It's true.
457
00:18:10,116 --> 00:18:14,168
Like here in this bar, there's
only one thing that I see,
458
00:18:14,170 --> 00:18:17,372
and I see her brighter
and more clearly
459
00:18:17,374 --> 00:18:20,208
than anything else
in this world.
460
00:18:20,210 --> 00:18:22,176
You know what that is?
461
00:18:22,178 --> 00:18:23,828
That's love.
462
00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:26,130
And possibly alcohol
463
00:18:26,132 --> 00:18:29,350
mixed with some
very powerful antibiotics.
464
00:18:30,519 --> 00:18:33,170
And that's how Barney sees you.
465
00:18:33,172 --> 00:18:35,890
And I know that's
how you see Barney.
466
00:18:37,376 --> 00:18:39,844
I'd like
to start the service
467
00:18:39,846 --> 00:18:42,196
with a passage
from Ted's dream journal.
468
00:18:43,148 --> 00:18:44,699
"Drowning.
469
00:18:44,701 --> 00:18:46,701
"Gasping for air.
470
00:18:46,703 --> 00:18:48,853
No escape."
471
00:18:48,855 --> 00:18:51,355
Wait, is that
about Vietnam?
472
00:18:51,357 --> 00:18:52,540
It's about Whole Foods.
473
00:18:52,542 --> 00:18:53,241
Barney.
474
00:18:53,243 --> 00:18:54,358
We are not
475
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,526
getting married.
476
00:18:55,528 --> 00:18:58,580
And those aisles
are too narrow!
477
00:18:58,582 --> 00:18:59,831
But you two
478
00:18:59,833 --> 00:19:01,666
have to get married--
otherwise, it's just
479
00:19:01,668 --> 00:19:05,036
a cheap, meaningless,
disgusting one-night stand.
480
00:19:05,038 --> 00:19:07,805
Wait, just to be clear,
you're saying you're opposed
481
00:19:07,807 --> 00:19:10,675
to cheap, meaningless,
disgusting one-night stands?
482
00:19:10,677 --> 00:19:11,709
Yes.
483
00:19:11,711 --> 00:19:13,878
Barney... don't you see?
484
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:15,880
Your detox is done!
485
00:19:15,882 --> 00:19:17,899
You're over one-night stands!
486
00:19:17,901 --> 00:19:20,234
Oh, my God, you're right!
487
00:19:20,236 --> 00:19:21,936
I'm free!
Yeah.
488
00:19:21,938 --> 00:19:25,106
So if you think about it--
but not too much--
489
00:19:25,108 --> 00:19:27,775
it's actually good that
Carly and I hooked up.
490
00:19:27,777 --> 00:19:29,744
Yeah, it's really good.
491
00:19:29,746 --> 00:19:33,364
I mean, this guy goes at it
like he's still in his 50s.
492
00:19:33,366 --> 00:19:35,783
Hey, have a cigar,
you big crazy!
493
00:19:36,786 --> 00:19:38,620
Hey, don't try
to make this okay.
494
00:19:38,622 --> 00:19:40,204
You still slept with my sister.
495
00:19:40,206 --> 00:19:43,124
Promise me you will never,
ever do that again.
496
00:19:43,926 --> 00:19:45,910
I promise.
497
00:19:45,912 --> 00:19:47,045
You just winked.
498
00:19:47,047 --> 00:19:49,047
No, I didn't.
499
00:19:49,049 --> 00:19:50,965
You did it again!
No, I didn't!
500
00:19:50,967 --> 00:19:52,016
You swear, right?
501
00:19:52,018 --> 00:19:54,418
Yeah. Of course.
502
00:19:59,808 --> 00:20:01,456
Hey.
That night,
503
00:20:01,457 --> 00:20:03,424
even though
she still couldn't get a beer,
504
00:20:03,426 --> 00:20:06,844
Robin realized
the true power of the ring.
505
00:20:06,846 --> 00:20:10,414
♪
506
00:20:14,519 --> 00:20:15,486
Hey, Robin.
507
00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:16,908
Did you ever figure out
how you're gonna get
508
00:20:16,909 --> 00:20:18,826
a drink at the bar now
that you're engaged?
509
00:20:18,828 --> 00:20:21,579
Oh, sure. I know a way
that's gonna last forever.
510
00:20:21,581 --> 00:20:23,280
Scotch on the rocks?
511
00:20:23,282 --> 00:20:24,415
Coming right up.
512
00:20:30,288 --> 00:20:33,641
Now, before you say anything
about the hat...
513
00:20:33,643 --> 00:20:37,294
this new girl's ass
is phenomenal!
514
00:20:42,568 --> 00:20:44,019
Hey, Marshall,
you got to see this.
515
00:20:44,148 --> 00:20:46,244
The catalog must have
mixed up my order.
516
00:20:46,344 --> 00:20:48,010
You won't believe the jeans
they just sent me.
517
00:20:49,113 --> 00:20:50,946
Hilarious, right?
518
00:20:51,915 --> 00:20:53,482
Totally.
519
00:20:53,484 --> 00:20:55,101
You look like some
520
00:20:55,103 --> 00:20:57,951
suburban mom
who drives a minivan
521
00:20:58,051 --> 00:21:01,186
filled with stale Cheerios
and empty juice boxes...
522
00:21:01,188 --> 00:21:02,850
probably makes
523
00:21:03,538 --> 00:21:05,938
chili mac and
Frito pie for dinner...
524
00:21:05,940 --> 00:21:08,611
smells like that menthol
cigarette that she snuck while
525
00:21:08,711 --> 00:21:10,691
she was waiting
to pick her kids up
526
00:21:10,791 --> 00:21:12,157
from hockey practice.
Get over here!
527
00:21:12,159 --> 00:21:17,159
== sync, corrected by elderman ==