1 00:00:04,813 --> 00:00:07,666 You guys. You guys will not believe what just happened. 2 00:00:07,766 --> 00:00:09,015 On my way here, a taxi 3 00:00:09,017 --> 00:00:11,317 jumped the curb and it pinned this old lady, 4 00:00:11,319 --> 00:00:13,686 and I-I just went into this, like, crazy adrenaline mode 5 00:00:13,688 --> 00:00:15,238 and I somehow lifted it off her. 6 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:16,856 Oh, my God, Ted, your wrist. 7 00:00:16,858 --> 00:00:18,474 Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen. 8 00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:20,243 I must've strained it lifting. No, 9 00:00:20,245 --> 00:00:21,828 I believe our dear friend Lily was referring 10 00:00:21,830 --> 00:00:23,029 to your other wrist. 11 00:00:23,031 --> 00:00:25,081 The one wearing the male birth control. 12 00:00:25,083 --> 00:00:26,349 I was gonna go with 13 00:00:26,351 --> 00:00:27,417 "chastity bracelet." 14 00:00:27,419 --> 00:00:29,819 God, is it possible to love you more? 15 00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,254 Really? Really? I just 16 00:00:31,256 --> 00:00:33,339 saved someone's life, and you guys are focusing on this? 17 00:00:33,341 --> 00:00:35,041 Yeah, you know what, guys? Leave him alone. 18 00:00:35,043 --> 00:00:36,209 All right, he's a hero. 19 00:00:36,211 --> 00:00:37,343 Thank you. 20 00:00:37,345 --> 00:00:39,829 Do you think that your super strength came from 21 00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:41,381 wearing Wonder Woman's magic wrist cuff? 22 00:00:43,134 --> 00:00:45,167 Yeah, I'll have you know that because of this cuff, 23 00:00:45,169 --> 00:00:46,636 I have a date. 24 00:00:46,638 --> 00:00:47,887 With some hand lotion and the Internet? 25 00:00:47,889 --> 00:00:50,306 It is possible to love you more! 26 00:00:50,308 --> 00:00:53,009 She exists. 27 00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:55,478 And she's right outside. 28 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:56,362 Great. Bring her in. 29 00:00:56,364 --> 00:00:57,730 You know what? It's so nice out. 30 00:00:57,732 --> 00:00:59,732 Why don't... why don't we just all go for a walk. 31 00:00:59,734 --> 00:01:01,784 It's pouring rain, Ted. I think it's pretty obvious 32 00:01:01,786 --> 00:01:03,403 she can't fit through the door. Mm. 33 00:01:03,405 --> 00:01:05,471 She is a gorgeous, athletic woman. 34 00:01:05,473 --> 00:01:07,907 "Athletic"? Sideburns, no cans. 35 00:01:07,909 --> 00:01:09,092 She is hot. 36 00:01:09,094 --> 00:01:11,027 So why can't she come in, Ted? 37 00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:13,913 She can come in. 38 00:01:13,915 --> 00:01:16,249 In six and a half months. 39 00:01:16,251 --> 00:01:18,201 Wait. Are you saying she's... 40 00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:19,235 Twenty. 41 00:01:19,237 --> 00:01:20,336 And a half. 42 00:01:20,338 --> 00:01:21,537 Almost. 43 00:01:24,396 --> 00:01:28,396 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x14 ♪ Ring Up Original Air Date on January 21, 2013 44 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:33,421 == sync, corrected by elderman == 45 00:01:37,438 --> 00:01:40,273 Ah-ah! Hold up, guys. 46 00:01:40,275 --> 00:01:43,609 She had to bounce. Um, a flash mob broke out in front 47 00:01:43,611 --> 00:01:46,362 of a line of Korean-Mexican food trucks in Williamsburg. 48 00:01:46,364 --> 00:01:47,396 The only thing 49 00:01:47,398 --> 00:01:49,015 that would make her more of a 20-year-old 50 00:01:49,017 --> 00:01:50,616 is an ironic form 51 00:01:50,618 --> 00:01:51,668 - of transportation. - Yeah. 52 00:01:51,670 --> 00:01:52,852 She's roller skating there. 53 00:01:53,838 --> 00:01:55,455 I don't know which is more pathetic-- 54 00:01:55,457 --> 00:01:57,457 that you're going out with a 20-year-old 55 00:01:57,459 --> 00:02:00,376 or that you bought a leather cuff to get a date with her. 56 00:02:00,378 --> 00:02:01,744 I didn't buy this 57 00:02:01,746 --> 00:02:02,929 to get a date. 58 00:02:02,931 --> 00:02:04,547 I just happened to be out 59 00:02:04,549 --> 00:02:05,915 catching up on some Saturday afternoon 60 00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:07,249 leather cuff shopping, Oh. 61 00:02:07,251 --> 00:02:10,219 and she just happened to be a leather cuff saleswoman. 62 00:02:12,273 --> 00:02:14,474 God, I am so glad I am done chasing bimbos. 63 00:02:14,476 --> 00:02:16,926 Now that I'm engaged, that whole part of my life 64 00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:18,528 just seems sad and empty. 65 00:02:18,530 --> 00:02:19,595 I don't want this to sound 66 00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:21,898 too harsh, Ted, but you disgust me. 67 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:25,535 Until a month ago, your headboard had a lube dispenser. 68 00:02:25,537 --> 00:02:26,819 Uh, yeah. 69 00:02:26,821 --> 00:02:29,238 We got rid of that, okay? Yeah. 70 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:30,490 Anyway, speaking of engaged, 71 00:02:30,492 --> 00:02:32,658 check out what got back from being resized. 72 00:02:32,660 --> 00:02:35,828 Oh, my God. Look at the size of that rock. 73 00:02:35,830 --> 00:02:37,163 Barney, you don't 74 00:02:37,165 --> 00:02:39,448 start with the I-got-caught-cheating diamond. 75 00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:41,450 You give yourself room to grow. 76 00:02:41,452 --> 00:02:42,451 It's a family heirloom. 77 00:02:42,453 --> 00:02:43,953 Yeah, I got a few dirty looks 78 00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:45,421 from Barney's half-sister over Christmas, 79 00:02:45,423 --> 00:02:48,257 so I had to sit her down and explain very respectfully... 80 00:02:48,259 --> 00:02:49,342 that she can suck it. 81 00:02:49,344 --> 00:02:50,292 Okay. 82 00:02:50,294 --> 00:02:51,293 I got to bounce. 83 00:02:51,295 --> 00:02:52,178 Stop saying that. 84 00:02:52,180 --> 00:02:53,980 This DJ from Dubai is spinning 85 00:02:53,982 --> 00:02:55,832 at an abandoned loading dock in Bushwick. 86 00:02:55,834 --> 00:02:57,483 I'm worried I don't have enough layers. 87 00:02:57,485 --> 00:02:59,118 So what if my friends 88 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:00,486 thought it was doomed? 89 00:03:00,488 --> 00:03:02,638 I was still young, and I knew that a night of partying 90 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,323 with a girl over a decade younger than me 91 00:03:04,325 --> 00:03:05,691 would be a total... 92 00:03:05,693 --> 00:03:08,494 ...disaster. She's like an entirely different species. 93 00:03:09,781 --> 00:03:11,948 And I definitely didn't have enough layers. 94 00:03:11,950 --> 00:03:14,450 I didn't understand half the words she was saying. 95 00:03:14,452 --> 00:03:18,037 To me, it all sounded like hipster Mad Libs. 96 00:03:18,039 --> 00:03:19,455 Didn't you check your phone? 97 00:03:19,457 --> 00:03:21,507 I just "means of contacting" you 98 00:03:21,509 --> 00:03:23,760 on "currently hot social networking site." 99 00:03:23,762 --> 00:03:24,710 The show's been moved 100 00:03:24,712 --> 00:03:25,795 to "New York neighborhood 101 00:03:25,797 --> 00:03:27,096 you've never heard of." 102 00:03:27,931 --> 00:03:31,851 Oh. Wow, my phone has a clock. 103 00:03:31,853 --> 00:03:35,304 And they subsist on a diet of pointlessly weird combinations. 104 00:03:35,306 --> 00:03:36,355 Ooh. 105 00:03:36,357 --> 00:03:38,141 Hey, do you want to split a kimchi cupcake 106 00:03:38,143 --> 00:03:39,308 with bacon frosting? 107 00:03:39,310 --> 00:03:40,693 They are the best here. 108 00:03:40,695 --> 00:03:42,361 Uh, yeah. Yeah, that'll go great with my 109 00:03:42,363 --> 00:03:44,313 cucumber jalapeño egg cream. 110 00:03:44,315 --> 00:03:45,481 Chug it! Come on. Come on. 111 00:03:45,483 --> 00:03:47,116 We got to get going. Right. Okay. 112 00:03:50,487 --> 00:03:52,521 Then later, at a club in Chinatown 113 00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,874 somehow located beneath a manhole cover, 114 00:03:54,876 --> 00:03:55,992 it got weird. 115 00:03:55,994 --> 00:03:57,293 God, I just love those 116 00:03:57,295 --> 00:03:59,796 tiny gray hairs in your eyebrows. 117 00:04:00,447 --> 00:04:02,698 Old men are so sexy. 118 00:04:03,835 --> 00:04:05,451 All right, to be fair, 119 00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,137 some of those gray hairs were dried egg cream. 120 00:04:08,139 --> 00:04:09,338 Turns out, when you 121 00:04:09,340 --> 00:04:10,506 projectile vomit on skates, 122 00:04:10,508 --> 00:04:11,757 you roll right into the spray. 123 00:04:11,759 --> 00:04:14,310 Wait, how old does she think you are? 124 00:04:14,312 --> 00:04:16,045 So, were you in Vietnam? 125 00:04:17,081 --> 00:04:18,631 Hold that groan. 126 00:04:19,684 --> 00:04:22,819 Charlie was everywhere. 127 00:04:22,821 --> 00:04:24,737 She's hot! She likes old guys! 128 00:04:24,739 --> 00:04:25,905 Don't judge me! 129 00:04:25,907 --> 00:04:29,075 Anyway, when we got out on the dance floor, th... 130 00:04:29,077 --> 00:04:31,694 I swear, this is what all the 20-year-olds looked like... 131 00:04:36,784 --> 00:04:39,401 I want to thank you for your service to this nation, Private. 132 00:04:39,403 --> 00:04:40,736 Colonel. 133 00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:41,370 Aw. 134 00:04:41,372 --> 00:04:43,039 I got to end this. 135 00:04:43,041 --> 00:04:44,507 Yeah, seriously, Ted. 136 00:04:44,509 --> 00:04:47,126 Pretending to be someone else just to get laid? 137 00:04:47,128 --> 00:04:49,011 That's... embarrassing. 138 00:04:49,013 --> 00:04:50,129 Your Highness! 139 00:04:50,131 --> 00:04:52,348 Let's go. 140 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:54,917 Ew. Marshall, take that off. 141 00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,220 What? I think it looks kind of cool. 142 00:04:57,222 --> 00:04:58,554 Cool? 143 00:04:58,556 --> 00:05:01,474 You look like one of those jerks who's in some lame band 144 00:05:01,476 --> 00:05:05,528 and rides a motorcycle without a helmet and has a wallet chain 145 00:05:05,530 --> 00:05:07,897 and neck tattoos and a drug problem. 146 00:05:07,899 --> 00:05:09,532 Not a... a big one, just, uh... 147 00:05:09,534 --> 00:05:13,236 enough that he deals a little bit on the side, and... 148 00:05:13,238 --> 00:05:16,739 he can never... ever be true to one woman. 149 00:05:16,741 --> 00:05:18,774 Finish that damn pickle and do me! 150 00:05:22,797 --> 00:05:25,381 Okay, you guys know how my mornings usually go. 151 00:05:25,383 --> 00:05:26,749 Why would we care how... 152 00:05:26,751 --> 00:05:27,967 Usually it's like this. 153 00:05:29,304 --> 00:05:31,287 After you. 154 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:32,722 Aw, thank you. 155 00:05:37,627 --> 00:05:39,262 On the house, Robin! 156 00:05:40,347 --> 00:05:42,899 ♪ Take this bagel on the house 157 00:05:42,901 --> 00:05:45,101 ♪ Have a paper on the house 158 00:05:45,103 --> 00:05:46,936 ♪ I'd give you a house on the house ♪ 159 00:05:46,938 --> 00:05:49,522 ♪ If I could 160 00:05:49,524 --> 00:05:51,473 ♪ You're so beautiful 161 00:05:51,475 --> 00:05:55,194 ♪ Everything in life should be free ♪ 162 00:05:55,196 --> 00:05:59,865 ♪ It's so wonderful to be me! 163 00:05:59,867 --> 00:06:01,033 Mmm. 164 00:06:01,035 --> 00:06:02,535 Wow. 165 00:06:02,537 --> 00:06:05,922 Do little bluebirds help you get dressed in the morning, too? 166 00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:08,207 ♪ She's exaggerating 167 00:06:08,209 --> 00:06:14,297 ♪ To make a point! 168 00:06:14,299 --> 00:06:16,432 But today was different. 169 00:06:18,019 --> 00:06:19,268 That'll be $3.75. 170 00:06:19,270 --> 00:06:21,437 But I didn't have to pay yesterday. 171 00:06:21,439 --> 00:06:23,105 Okay. $7.50. 172 00:06:24,359 --> 00:06:26,692 Oh, honey-sweetie-baby. It's the ring, Robin. 173 00:06:26,694 --> 00:06:28,177 The ring has power. 174 00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:30,012 When a woman puts on an engagement ring, 175 00:06:30,014 --> 00:06:32,148 it's like when Bilbo Baggins wears the One Ring 176 00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:33,232 in The Hobbit. 177 00:06:33,234 --> 00:06:35,017 Okay, can you say that again but not in nerd? 178 00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:37,686 Sure. Uh, the ring is like the cloak 179 00:06:37,688 --> 00:06:40,039 that Harry Potter wears to sneak around Hogwarts. 180 00:06:40,041 --> 00:06:41,490 Yeah, I don't speak virgin either. 181 00:06:41,492 --> 00:06:44,126 The ring-- it makes you invisible. 182 00:06:46,331 --> 00:06:49,799 You're not precious. 183 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:00,176 Oh, good, you're awake. 184 00:07:01,813 --> 00:07:03,062 Look, Ted, 185 00:07:03,064 --> 00:07:04,764 there's something we have to talk about. 186 00:07:04,766 --> 00:07:07,149 Boundaries? Invasion of privacy? 187 00:07:07,151 --> 00:07:09,185 Losing your key privileges? 188 00:07:09,187 --> 00:07:11,570 It's about the 20-year-old, Ted. 189 00:07:11,572 --> 00:07:13,555 You have to bang her. 190 00:07:13,557 --> 00:07:15,024 For me! 191 00:07:18,970 --> 00:07:21,032 Why do you want me to hook up with this 20-year-old? 192 00:07:21,132 --> 00:07:22,515 I thought I disgusted you. 193 00:07:22,517 --> 00:07:24,184 Yeah, that was all an act. 194 00:07:24,186 --> 00:07:26,436 Look, look, look, I love Robin 195 00:07:26,438 --> 00:07:28,805 and she's the only girl I want to be with. 196 00:07:28,807 --> 00:07:32,809 But my body is detoxing after years of one-night stands. 197 00:07:32,811 --> 00:07:33,793 They don't make 198 00:07:33,795 --> 00:07:36,312 gum or a patch for this, Ted. 199 00:07:36,314 --> 00:07:38,198 But, hey, billion-dollar idea alert. 200 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,700 Oh, yeah. 201 00:07:40,702 --> 00:07:42,869 That's okay. I'll just buy a new dream journal. 202 00:07:43,704 --> 00:07:47,290 What-what-what are you looking for? 203 00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:48,258 Your phone. 204 00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:49,460 There's got to be some pictures 205 00:07:49,461 --> 00:07:50,426 of her in here. 206 00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:52,128 Damn it. No. 207 00:07:52,130 --> 00:07:53,580 Those are all worthless. 208 00:07:53,582 --> 00:07:55,998 I need some one-night-stand material, Ted. 209 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,268 Oh. Oh. Here's your mom. Hello, Virginia. 210 00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:01,271 Um, my mother is not one-night-stand material. 211 00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:03,807 Yeah, you're right. It wasn't night and we weren't standing. 212 00:08:03,809 --> 00:08:05,174 Hey-oh! 213 00:08:05,176 --> 00:08:06,559 That didn't happen. 214 00:08:06,561 --> 00:08:08,978 You're right. It didn't. 215 00:08:08,980 --> 00:08:09,896 You just winked. 216 00:08:09,898 --> 00:08:11,197 No, I didn't. 217 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:12,198 You just did it again! 218 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,851 Look, bottom line: I need you 219 00:08:14,853 --> 00:08:16,786 to proxy bang this girl for me. 220 00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:17,954 Be my stand-in 221 00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:20,039 and put your gland in. 222 00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,075 Hey, wow, that'd be good on a hat. 223 00:08:22,077 --> 00:08:23,576 Barney, 224 00:08:23,578 --> 00:08:26,746 she's just using me for my gracefully aging body. 225 00:08:26,748 --> 00:08:29,365 You're picking now to get some self-respect? 226 00:08:29,367 --> 00:08:33,303 You once banged a blind girl by pretending to be Sean Connery. 227 00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:34,504 That was you. 228 00:08:34,506 --> 00:08:36,205 Yeah, that conquest 229 00:08:36,207 --> 00:08:37,974 was most enjoyable. 230 00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,726 I'm sorry. T-To hook up with a girl, 231 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:42,044 I have to connect with her at least a little. 232 00:08:42,046 --> 00:08:44,147 Then find a connection. 233 00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:45,398 Just go simple. 234 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,484 Nothing about weird poets or buildings 235 00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:51,220 or any of those stupid articles you've ever e-mailed me 236 00:08:51,222 --> 00:08:53,723 with the subject line "Food for thought." 237 00:08:54,525 --> 00:08:56,359 Please, Ted. 238 00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:57,994 I need this. 239 00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:59,662 Fine. You win. 240 00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:00,463 I'll bang 241 00:09:00,465 --> 00:09:02,031 a hot 20-year-old. 242 00:09:02,884 --> 00:09:03,900 But I'm not gonna enjoy... 243 00:09:03,902 --> 00:09:04,901 Oh, who am I kidding? 244 00:09:04,903 --> 00:09:06,085 It's gonna be awesome. 245 00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:09,255 Now, turn off the lights and go. 246 00:09:10,291 --> 00:09:12,458 Not all the way! 247 00:09:14,545 --> 00:09:16,512 Hello. Yeah, three... 248 00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,998 Okay, normally New York is the friendliest, 249 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,134 most affordable city in the world. 250 00:09:21,136 --> 00:09:24,370 Now it's as rude and expensive as San Francisco. 251 00:09:24,372 --> 00:09:26,389 Guys? 252 00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:28,308 Oh, hey, that's life once you're engaged. 253 00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:31,361 Oh, tell her, baby. Make it hurt. 254 00:09:32,229 --> 00:09:33,563 I'll be at the booth. 255 00:09:33,565 --> 00:09:35,481 My panties may or may not be on 256 00:09:35,483 --> 00:09:37,099 when you get there. 257 00:09:37,101 --> 00:09:39,152 They won't be! 258 00:09:40,037 --> 00:09:42,071 Okay, what is going on with you guys? 259 00:09:42,073 --> 00:09:43,323 It's the cuff. 260 00:09:43,325 --> 00:09:45,875 It turns out that picturing me as a loser musician 261 00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:48,161 with a Vicodin addiction and a beat-up van 262 00:09:48,163 --> 00:09:52,165 I use to steal copper wire really turns Lily's crank. 263 00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:53,166 Who knew? 264 00:09:53,168 --> 00:09:54,918 Whoa, what-what happened to your wrist? 265 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,954 Oh. It's an allergic reaction. 266 00:09:57,956 --> 00:09:59,339 So take it off. 267 00:09:59,341 --> 00:10:01,290 Robin, once you have a child, 268 00:10:01,292 --> 00:10:03,476 anything that gets you even remotely close 269 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:06,846 to the possibility of sex is worth a few pus-filled blisters. 270 00:10:06,848 --> 00:10:09,399 Better the sores weep than I. 271 00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:12,468 Hey, hold on. That slut just got here. 272 00:10:12,470 --> 00:10:14,570 How'd she get beer already? 273 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,623 Do you see a ring on that finger? 274 00:10:16,625 --> 00:10:18,524 Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 275 00:10:18,526 --> 00:10:20,159 Are you saying that this invisibility thing 276 00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:22,195 means I might not be able to get beer? 277 00:10:22,197 --> 00:10:24,998 I was just getting used to the idea of having to pay for coffee 278 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,199 and bagels and rent. 279 00:10:26,201 --> 00:10:27,300 Rent? But not being able 280 00:10:27,302 --> 00:10:29,752 to get a beer? Unacceptable. 281 00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:33,873 Excuse me. 282 00:10:33,875 --> 00:10:35,792 Hot girl coming through. 283 00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,852 Huh. 284 00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:48,354 Three beers, please. 285 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:49,672 ♪ Take the... 286 00:10:52,810 --> 00:10:55,478 Damn it, ring! 287 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,346 Oh, yeah, baby. Mm-hmm. 288 00:10:57,348 --> 00:10:59,615 Later you should totally go out and buy a switchblade. 289 00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:00,950 Mm. Sure. 290 00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:03,853 While I'm out, maybe Daddy picks up some diapers 291 00:11:03,855 --> 00:11:07,073 and a little mild salsa because we're low. 292 00:11:09,994 --> 00:11:11,828 Well, you're right-- 293 00:11:11,830 --> 00:11:14,664 I'm invisible. 294 00:11:19,671 --> 00:11:21,537 That night, the only person 295 00:11:21,539 --> 00:11:24,424 in worse shape than Robin was her fiancé. 296 00:11:24,426 --> 00:11:26,259 Ted, I'm desperate. 297 00:11:26,261 --> 00:11:28,261 Earlier today, I saw that wrist cuff 298 00:11:28,263 --> 00:11:30,313 and I got a partial for Marshall. 299 00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:31,981 Did you bang that girl yet? 300 00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:34,017 Don't get your hopes, or anything else, up. 301 00:11:34,019 --> 00:11:35,651 I tried to connect with her, 302 00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:37,553 but everything just comes back 303 00:11:37,555 --> 00:11:39,856 to her weird fetish about how old I am. 304 00:11:39,858 --> 00:11:43,225 Well, j-just go simple-- does she like TV? 305 00:11:43,227 --> 00:11:44,243 No. 306 00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:46,329 But I'll watch 60 Minutes with you 307 00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:49,499 as loud and as long as you want. 308 00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:50,533 Sports? 309 00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:51,784 No. 310 00:11:51,786 --> 00:11:54,370 But I bet you look super hot playing shuffleboard, 311 00:11:54,372 --> 00:11:57,790 just... slathered in Bengay. 312 00:11:57,792 --> 00:11:59,208 Well, does she like books? 313 00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:00,743 No. 314 00:12:00,745 --> 00:12:02,762 But I bet you do. 315 00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:04,013 Mm-hmm. 316 00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:06,099 I bet you have a big, thick 317 00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:08,301 pair of bifocals. 318 00:12:08,303 --> 00:12:11,387 She doesn't have daddy issues, she has granddaddy issues. 319 00:12:11,389 --> 00:12:12,922 I'm ending it. 320 00:12:12,924 --> 00:12:16,109 Ted, I beg of you, don't quit on a body that won't quit. 321 00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:18,427 Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet on a bumper sticker. 322 00:12:18,429 --> 00:12:19,645 That's going in the journal. 323 00:12:19,647 --> 00:12:21,030 Wait, did you steal 324 00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:22,365 my dream journal? 325 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,951 No! Now, get back in there before all your teeth fall out 326 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:27,153 and you're naked in front of Shaker Heights High School 327 00:12:27,155 --> 00:12:28,871 in a play you never rehearsed for. 328 00:12:28,873 --> 00:12:30,272 Bastard! 329 00:12:30,274 --> 00:12:33,109 We don't connect on a single thing. It's over. 330 00:12:33,111 --> 00:12:35,495 It's not... 331 00:12:35,497 --> 00:12:37,130 Look, Carly, I got to tell you something. 332 00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,949 I just, I don't see a future here. 333 00:12:39,951 --> 00:12:42,218 Oh, my God. 334 00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,420 Are you dying? 335 00:12:45,089 --> 00:12:47,423 Oh, that is so hot. 336 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,511 Hey... 337 00:12:51,513 --> 00:12:53,146 is that R2-D2? 338 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:55,398 Do you like Star Wars? 339 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,299 I love Star Wars. 340 00:12:57,301 --> 00:12:58,634 Me, too! 341 00:12:58,636 --> 00:13:01,971 ♪ 342 00:13:01,973 --> 00:13:04,574 I mean, I've only seen the new ones. 343 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:06,609 Close enough. 344 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,481 So? 345 00:13:12,483 --> 00:13:13,366 Yeah. 346 00:13:13,368 --> 00:13:15,084 I knew it! I could feel it. 347 00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:18,121 It's almost like we were hooking up with her together. 348 00:13:18,123 --> 00:13:19,372 You felt that, right? 349 00:13:19,374 --> 00:13:20,923 I couldn't have performed if I did. 350 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,291 Don't you see, Ted? 351 00:13:22,293 --> 00:13:24,961 We had a bro-nnection. 352 00:13:24,963 --> 00:13:27,163 All right, I got to know 353 00:13:27,165 --> 00:13:28,714 what she looks like-- show me a picture. 354 00:13:28,716 --> 00:13:30,666 Well, normally, I'm above such things, 355 00:13:30,668 --> 00:13:33,803 but it's been a while, and, uh, Teddy's braggin'. 356 00:13:33,805 --> 00:13:35,504 Okay, here she is. 357 00:13:36,056 --> 00:13:38,641 Okay. Scrolling up. 358 00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:39,859 Oh, yeah, those are 359 00:13:39,861 --> 00:13:41,844 "plow me" heels. Nice. Uh-huh. 360 00:13:41,846 --> 00:13:45,364 The knee bruise is encouraging. 361 00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:48,684 Working our way up to those 20-year-old ta-tas. 362 00:13:48,686 --> 00:13:51,120 Oh... gravity's cruel grasp 363 00:13:51,122 --> 00:13:54,190 hasn't found you yet, my sweet perky miracles. 364 00:13:55,743 --> 00:13:57,827 Now, let's get a gander at Dirty Girl's face. 365 00:13:57,829 --> 00:13:58,828 Mm-hmm. 366 00:14:01,181 --> 00:14:04,083 Her face says, "Ready to bone," am I right? 367 00:14:05,169 --> 00:14:08,087 I say again, am I right? 368 00:14:09,591 --> 00:14:11,751 That's my half sister. 369 00:14:13,376 --> 00:14:17,395 Then you probably shouldn't scroll to the next picture. 370 00:14:19,399 --> 00:14:21,383 No! 371 00:14:25,676 --> 00:14:27,127 That's my sister, Ted! 372 00:14:27,227 --> 00:14:28,727 Well, look, I didn't know! 373 00:14:28,729 --> 00:14:30,528 None of us even knew you had a sister 374 00:14:30,530 --> 00:14:32,497 until two years ago, including you! 375 00:14:32,499 --> 00:14:34,232 This is just some crazy coincidence. 376 00:14:34,234 --> 00:14:36,568 There are four million women in the city of New York, 377 00:14:36,570 --> 00:14:38,069 Ted, and you sleep with my sister? 378 00:14:38,071 --> 00:14:40,103 Why would the universe do that to me? 379 00:14:40,128 --> 00:14:40,990 I don't know. 380 00:14:40,991 --> 00:14:43,074 It's not like you've ever treated women in such a way 381 00:14:43,076 --> 00:14:44,626 that would invite some sort of karmic retribution. 382 00:14:44,628 --> 00:14:46,944 You banged my sister! 383 00:14:46,946 --> 00:14:49,798 My sweet, little, innocent... 384 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,266 Pierced. Really? Where? 385 00:14:51,268 --> 00:14:53,618 Don't answer that! Now I know 386 00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:56,805 why I felt everything you did to her last night. 387 00:14:56,807 --> 00:15:00,558 It wasn't a bro-nnection, it was a sis-nnection! 388 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:01,843 Oh, my God. 389 00:15:01,845 --> 00:15:04,979 Ted... did you... 390 00:15:07,533 --> 00:15:09,184 Big-time. 391 00:15:09,186 --> 00:15:10,468 Nice! High five! 392 00:15:10,470 --> 00:15:12,020 Wait! No! No! 393 00:15:12,022 --> 00:15:13,271 Retraction five! 394 00:15:15,909 --> 00:15:18,526 Hey, hey, you're the one who begged for a proxy bang. 395 00:15:18,528 --> 00:15:20,161 And while we're on the subject of family, 396 00:15:20,163 --> 00:15:22,864 I'm pretty sure you banged my mom-- mom beats sister. 397 00:15:22,866 --> 00:15:25,333 I never banged your mom. 398 00:15:25,335 --> 00:15:27,151 You just did the winking thing again! 399 00:15:27,153 --> 00:15:29,003 No, I didn't. 400 00:15:29,005 --> 00:15:31,206 Fine. Hey, Barney, let me ask you something. 401 00:15:31,208 --> 00:15:33,208 Were you, uh, feeling a little sore this morning? 402 00:15:33,210 --> 00:15:34,459 Especially... 403 00:15:37,180 --> 00:15:39,381 Friendship over! 404 00:15:41,016 --> 00:15:42,634 Oh, yeah. 405 00:15:42,636 --> 00:15:47,806 Who's your guitar-player-biker- who-couldn't-find-mild-salsa- 406 00:15:47,808 --> 00:15:51,192 but-said-screw-it- and-went-medium bad boy? 407 00:15:53,012 --> 00:15:54,562 Marshall, your hand! 408 00:15:54,564 --> 00:15:56,598 Okay, I'm pretty sure it wasn't that bad, 409 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,350 but this is how Uncle Marshall likes to tell the story. 410 00:15:59,352 --> 00:16:02,237 Oh, yeah, no, that's the cuff. 411 00:16:02,239 --> 00:16:05,356 I'm woozy, and I can't flex my fingers... 412 00:16:06,526 --> 00:16:08,626 ...and the rotten fish smell is getting stronger. 413 00:16:08,628 --> 00:16:11,496 But I'm learning to compensate with my left. 414 00:16:11,498 --> 00:16:14,632 Is that why last night when I asked you to honka honka me 415 00:16:14,634 --> 00:16:16,084 you only honka'd me? 416 00:16:16,086 --> 00:16:17,535 I didn't think you noticed. 417 00:16:17,537 --> 00:16:20,555 Snap's been jealous of Crackle all day. 418 00:16:20,557 --> 00:16:22,474 Just take the cuff off. 419 00:16:22,476 --> 00:16:24,759 No, but, baby, then all the sex will stop. 420 00:16:24,761 --> 00:16:28,680 Marshall, you don't need a cuff for me to find you sexy. 421 00:16:28,682 --> 00:16:30,181 All you have to do 422 00:16:30,183 --> 00:16:32,784 is smile, and I'm ready for you to hop on Pop. 423 00:16:32,786 --> 00:16:35,236 Thanks, baby. 424 00:16:35,238 --> 00:16:38,556 Are you too woozy to do it one last time 425 00:16:38,558 --> 00:16:41,192 before we seek emergency medical attention? 426 00:16:41,194 --> 00:16:43,060 Only one way to find out. 427 00:16:43,062 --> 00:16:45,062 Mm. 428 00:16:49,685 --> 00:16:53,004 I'm sorry, bro, I totally overreacted. 429 00:16:53,006 --> 00:16:54,739 You think? I can't believe 430 00:16:54,741 --> 00:16:56,841 you're allowed to ship a dead possum. 431 00:16:56,843 --> 00:16:58,343 He died? 432 00:16:58,345 --> 00:17:01,546 That possum was supposed to be an olive branch. 433 00:17:01,548 --> 00:17:04,966 Are you sure he's not just playing dead? 434 00:17:04,968 --> 00:17:06,935 He smells like Marshall's hand. 435 00:17:06,937 --> 00:17:08,887 And wait, you-you forgive me? 436 00:17:08,889 --> 00:17:11,105 Absolutely. Hey, I got a couple "cee-gars." 437 00:17:11,107 --> 00:17:12,307 Get over here! 438 00:17:12,309 --> 00:17:15,226 All right. So, where are those "cee-gars"? 439 00:17:15,228 --> 00:17:16,928 Eh, we'll break 'em out in a minute. 440 00:17:16,930 --> 00:17:18,780 Hey, Barn. 441 00:17:19,615 --> 00:17:21,316 Ted? 442 00:17:21,318 --> 00:17:23,434 Barney, what is your sister doing here? 443 00:17:23,436 --> 00:17:25,436 Nothing, bro. Or should I say, 444 00:17:25,438 --> 00:17:27,622 bro-in-law! 445 00:17:40,337 --> 00:17:41,669 Congratulations! 446 00:17:41,671 --> 00:17:44,422 You're marrying my sister! 447 00:17:44,424 --> 00:17:47,425 And you spared no expense, you big crazy! 448 00:17:50,145 --> 00:17:53,297 You know what? I love Barney, 449 00:17:53,299 --> 00:17:54,599 but this ring thing sucks. 450 00:17:54,601 --> 00:17:56,818 Some gross guy just brushed up against my rack 451 00:17:56,820 --> 00:17:58,269 and then apologized. 452 00:17:58,271 --> 00:18:00,688 And I think he really, really meant it. 453 00:18:00,690 --> 00:18:04,075 Oh, sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, 454 00:18:04,077 --> 00:18:06,160 but nothing beats the rush you get 455 00:18:06,162 --> 00:18:08,646 when that one special person looks at you. 456 00:18:08,648 --> 00:18:10,114 It's true. 457 00:18:10,116 --> 00:18:14,168 Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see, 458 00:18:14,170 --> 00:18:17,372 and I see her brighter and more clearly 459 00:18:17,374 --> 00:18:20,208 than anything else in this world. 460 00:18:20,210 --> 00:18:22,176 You know what that is? 461 00:18:22,178 --> 00:18:23,828 That's love. 462 00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:26,130 And possibly alcohol 463 00:18:26,132 --> 00:18:29,350 mixed with some very powerful antibiotics. 464 00:18:30,519 --> 00:18:33,170 And that's how Barney sees you. 465 00:18:33,172 --> 00:18:35,890 And I know that's how you see Barney. 466 00:18:37,376 --> 00:18:39,844 I'd like to start the service 467 00:18:39,846 --> 00:18:42,196 with a passage from Ted's dream journal. 468 00:18:43,148 --> 00:18:44,699 "Drowning. 469 00:18:44,701 --> 00:18:46,701 "Gasping for air. 470 00:18:46,703 --> 00:18:48,853 No escape." 471 00:18:48,855 --> 00:18:51,355 Wait, is that about Vietnam? 472 00:18:51,357 --> 00:18:52,540 It's about Whole Foods. 473 00:18:52,542 --> 00:18:53,241 Barney. 474 00:18:53,243 --> 00:18:54,358 We are not 475 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,526 getting married. 476 00:18:55,528 --> 00:18:58,580 And those aisles are too narrow! 477 00:18:58,582 --> 00:18:59,831 But you two 478 00:18:59,833 --> 00:19:01,666 have to get married-- otherwise, it's just 479 00:19:01,668 --> 00:19:05,036 a cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stand. 480 00:19:05,038 --> 00:19:07,805 Wait, just to be clear, you're saying you're opposed 481 00:19:07,807 --> 00:19:10,675 to cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stands? 482 00:19:10,677 --> 00:19:11,709 Yes. 483 00:19:11,711 --> 00:19:13,878 Barney... don't you see? 484 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:15,880 Your detox is done! 485 00:19:15,882 --> 00:19:17,899 You're over one-night stands! 486 00:19:17,901 --> 00:19:20,234 Oh, my God, you're right! 487 00:19:20,236 --> 00:19:21,936 I'm free! Yeah. 488 00:19:21,938 --> 00:19:25,106 So if you think about it-- but not too much-- 489 00:19:25,108 --> 00:19:27,775 it's actually good that Carly and I hooked up. 490 00:19:27,777 --> 00:19:29,744 Yeah, it's really good. 491 00:19:29,746 --> 00:19:33,364 I mean, this guy goes at it like he's still in his 50s. 492 00:19:33,366 --> 00:19:35,783 Hey, have a cigar, you big crazy! 493 00:19:36,786 --> 00:19:38,620 Hey, don't try to make this okay. 494 00:19:38,622 --> 00:19:40,204 You still slept with my sister. 495 00:19:40,206 --> 00:19:43,124 Promise me you will never, ever do that again. 496 00:19:43,926 --> 00:19:45,910 I promise. 497 00:19:45,912 --> 00:19:47,045 You just winked. 498 00:19:47,047 --> 00:19:49,047 No, I didn't. 499 00:19:49,049 --> 00:19:50,965 You did it again! No, I didn't! 500 00:19:50,967 --> 00:19:52,016 You swear, right? 501 00:19:52,018 --> 00:19:54,418 Yeah. Of course. 502 00:19:59,808 --> 00:20:01,456 Hey. That night, 503 00:20:01,457 --> 00:20:03,424 even though she still couldn't get a beer, 504 00:20:03,426 --> 00:20:06,844 Robin realized the true power of the ring. 505 00:20:06,846 --> 00:20:10,414 ♪ 506 00:20:14,519 --> 00:20:15,486 Hey, Robin. 507 00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:16,908 Did you ever figure out how you're gonna get 508 00:20:16,909 --> 00:20:18,826 a drink at the bar now that you're engaged? 509 00:20:18,828 --> 00:20:21,579 Oh, sure. I know a way that's gonna last forever. 510 00:20:21,581 --> 00:20:23,280 Scotch on the rocks? 511 00:20:23,282 --> 00:20:24,415 Coming right up. 512 00:20:30,288 --> 00:20:33,641 Now, before you say anything about the hat... 513 00:20:33,643 --> 00:20:37,294 this new girl's ass is phenomenal! 514 00:20:42,568 --> 00:20:44,019 Hey, Marshall, you got to see this. 515 00:20:44,148 --> 00:20:46,244 The catalog must have mixed up my order. 516 00:20:46,344 --> 00:20:48,010 You won't believe the jeans they just sent me. 517 00:20:49,113 --> 00:20:50,946 Hilarious, right? 518 00:20:51,915 --> 00:20:53,482 Totally. 519 00:20:53,484 --> 00:20:55,101 You look like some 520 00:20:55,103 --> 00:20:57,951 suburban mom who drives a minivan 521 00:20:58,051 --> 00:21:01,186 filled with stale Cheerios and empty juice boxes... 522 00:21:01,188 --> 00:21:02,850 probably makes 523 00:21:03,538 --> 00:21:05,938 chili mac and Frito pie for dinner... 524 00:21:05,940 --> 00:21:08,611 smells like that menthol cigarette that she snuck while 525 00:21:08,711 --> 00:21:10,691 she was waiting to pick her kids up 526 00:21:10,791 --> 00:21:12,157 from hockey practice. Get over here! 527 00:21:12,159 --> 00:21:17,159 == sync, corrected by elderman ==