1
00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:03,765
Oh, God, guys, I'm
still really hungover.
2
00:00:03,769 --> 00:00:05,135
Did I really
ruin a wedding?
3
00:00:05,137 --> 00:00:07,504
No, you didn't ruin
a wedding.
4
00:00:07,506 --> 00:00:08,906
Just the reception.
5
00:00:08,908 --> 00:00:10,841
And the bar mitzvah next door.
6
00:00:10,843 --> 00:00:12,526
And my dress.
7
00:00:12,528 --> 00:00:14,778
And your dress. You put on
a dress at one point.
8
00:00:14,780 --> 00:00:17,114
Okay, you know what,
that's it.
9
00:00:17,116 --> 00:00:19,783
I'm about to be a dad,
and I want to be
10
00:00:19,785 --> 00:00:22,435
the kind of man that my
child can look up to.
11
00:00:22,437 --> 00:00:24,905
So, sweeping declaration--
12
00:00:24,907 --> 00:00:29,209
I am never getting drunk again
as long as I live.
13
00:00:29,211 --> 00:00:31,277
I'm serious.
14
00:00:31,279 --> 00:00:33,764
Kids, it's not that
your Uncle Marshall
15
00:00:33,766 --> 00:00:35,065
had a drinking problem.
16
00:00:35,067 --> 00:00:37,184
But whenever he made a sweeping
declaration like that,
17
00:00:37,186 --> 00:00:39,019
you pretty much knew...
18
00:00:40,621 --> 00:00:41,888
I did it again.
19
00:00:41,890 --> 00:00:44,174
But I'm getting ahead
of myself.
20
00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,344
What happened
to your leg?
21
00:00:47,346 --> 00:00:48,812
Oh, nothing.
22
00:00:48,814 --> 00:00:50,514
I'm meeting Nora
for coffee.
23
00:00:50,516 --> 00:00:52,933
She's still mad at me, so
I need some sympathy points.
24
00:00:52,935 --> 00:00:54,300
She likes musicals,
so I'm going
25
00:00:54,302 --> 00:00:55,802
to tell her I fell off the stage
26
00:00:55,804 --> 00:00:57,521
during a performance
of Man of La Mancha.
27
00:00:57,523 --> 00:00:58,638
What do you think?
28
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:00,273
Lose the cast.
29
00:01:00,275 --> 00:01:02,909
A one-man show-- I like it!
30
00:01:02,911 --> 00:01:05,112
Just so we're clear--
31
00:01:05,114 --> 00:01:08,332
this woman is mad at you
because you lied to her.
32
00:01:08,334 --> 00:01:11,118
So your solution is to pretend
you broke your leg?
33
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,203
You're right.
34
00:01:13,205 --> 00:01:15,372
A neck brace.
Thanks, Lil.
35
00:01:15,374 --> 00:01:17,674
Man, I wish I'd have talked
to you sooner.
36
00:01:17,676 --> 00:01:19,309
I've been practicing
with these crutches all day
37
00:01:19,311 --> 00:01:21,345
and whoever left them
in my lobby
38
00:01:21,347 --> 00:01:22,462
probably really
needs 'em.
39
00:01:22,464 --> 00:01:24,664
Well, uh, I have
some good news.
40
00:01:24,666 --> 00:01:28,051
As you all know, I recently
decided to get back out there
41
00:01:28,053 --> 00:01:30,954
and start dating again.
And, uh, well...
42
00:01:34,609 --> 00:01:36,626
Is this you?
43
00:01:36,628 --> 00:01:39,730
Uh, yeah. Hi.
44
00:01:39,732 --> 00:01:40,864
I'm Ted.
45
00:01:40,866 --> 00:01:42,132
- Hi.
- Hi.
46
00:01:42,134 --> 00:01:44,284
That's great, Ted.
47
00:01:44,286 --> 00:01:46,186
Yeah. Yeah, it was a moment
of pure destiny.
48
00:01:46,188 --> 00:01:48,655
The kind you just
can't manufacture.
49
00:01:48,657 --> 00:01:50,690
Or so I thought.
50
00:01:53,661 --> 00:01:56,696
Oh, no.
How did I get on there?
51
00:01:56,698 --> 00:01:58,648
Hi. Ted Mosby.
52
00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:00,867
Guilty.
53
00:02:00,869 --> 00:02:02,669
Hi. Ted Mosby.
54
00:02:02,671 --> 00:02:04,421
That is embarrassing.
55
00:02:04,423 --> 00:02:08,642
I should be on the cover of
Egg On My Face magazine.
56
00:02:08,644 --> 00:02:09,843
But I'm not.
57
00:02:09,845 --> 00:02:11,978
I'm on the cover of this one.
58
00:02:11,980 --> 00:02:14,131
Hi. Ted Mosby.
59
00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:16,149
16 moments of pure destiny
60
00:02:16,151 --> 00:02:18,852
in one day,
and of those 16,
61
00:02:18,854 --> 00:02:20,937
ten were single.
62
00:02:20,939 --> 00:02:24,107
Of those ten,
seven liked what they saw.
63
00:02:24,109 --> 00:02:25,759
Of those seven,
64
00:02:25,761 --> 00:02:27,727
four were women.
65
00:02:27,729 --> 00:02:30,080
Of those four,
66
00:02:30,082 --> 00:02:31,364
two gave me their real number.
67
00:02:31,366 --> 00:02:34,167
And I have a date
with both of them.
68
00:02:34,169 --> 00:02:35,952
Okay.
69
00:02:37,705 --> 00:02:39,005
Guys,
70
00:02:39,007 --> 00:02:40,640
it's Garrison Cootes.
71
00:02:40,642 --> 00:02:42,592
Kids, Garrison Cootes
was a senior partner
72
00:02:42,594 --> 00:02:44,244
at Honeywell & Cootes.
73
00:02:44,246 --> 00:02:45,796
One of the biggest
environmental law firms
74
00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:47,230
in America.
75
00:02:47,232 --> 00:02:49,299
Marshall would have given
anything to work there.
76
00:02:49,301 --> 00:02:51,635
If I don't get this job,
I might end up working
77
00:02:51,637 --> 00:02:52,853
at, like, a Taco Bell somewhere.
78
00:02:52,855 --> 00:02:54,354
And nobody wants that.
79
00:02:54,356 --> 00:02:57,040
Or maybe you guys want that,
because you'll get free tacos,
80
00:02:57,042 --> 00:02:58,391
'cause your my peeps.
81
00:02:58,393 --> 00:03:01,812
But right now I need
all of you to calm down!
82
00:03:03,098 --> 00:03:05,532
Hello.
83
00:03:05,534 --> 00:03:07,200
Marshall, this is
Garrison Cootes.
84
00:03:07,202 --> 00:03:09,035
Sorry I didn't get back
to you sooner,
85
00:03:09,037 --> 00:03:11,238
but I've just been swamped.
86
00:03:12,574 --> 00:03:15,275
Which is funny,
'cause I'm literally
87
00:03:15,277 --> 00:03:17,077
standing in a swamp.
88
00:03:18,914 --> 00:03:22,082
Anyway, I'm just out here,
I'm just collecting some samples
89
00:03:22,084 --> 00:03:24,284
for this pollution case
we're working on.
90
00:03:24,286 --> 00:03:26,253
I love the work you guys do.
That's a croc...
91
00:03:26,255 --> 00:03:27,305
No, I mean it.
92
00:03:27,330 --> 00:03:29,767
No, no, there's a crocodile
about five feet away from me.
93
00:03:29,892 --> 00:03:31,308
So I'm just going to ignore
94
00:03:31,310 --> 00:03:33,560
the hot urine filling
my waders as we speak,
95
00:03:33,562 --> 00:03:35,962
and tell you that
we're very interested.
96
00:03:35,964 --> 00:03:36,963
He's interested.
97
00:03:36,965 --> 00:03:38,648
Obviously we have
to do some sort
98
00:03:38,650 --> 00:03:40,934
of credit check, you know,
a criminal record
99
00:03:40,936 --> 00:03:43,570
and Google search, but as long
as nothing unseemly turns up,
100
00:03:43,572 --> 00:03:44,938
you're good to go, man.
101
00:03:44,940 --> 00:03:46,857
That is fantastic, Mr. Cootes!
102
00:03:46,859 --> 00:03:48,241
Well, I gotta run.
103
00:03:49,912 --> 00:03:51,444
This is so funny,
104
00:03:51,446 --> 00:03:55,248
because, actually, I physically
have to run now.
105
00:03:55,250 --> 00:03:58,498
- Croc saw you?
- He's advancing, yeah.
106
00:03:58,592 --> 00:04:02,592
♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x02 ♪
The Naked Truth
Original Air Date on September 19, 2011
107
00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:06,617
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
108
00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:14,134
The next night,
Barney met Nora for coffee.
109
00:04:14,136 --> 00:04:16,570
Thankfully, without
the ridiculous leg cast.
110
00:04:16,572 --> 00:04:19,606
Hey, Nora, thanks
for meeting me here.
111
00:04:19,608 --> 00:04:20,757
What happened to your neck?
112
00:04:20,759 --> 00:04:23,176
My wha...? Oh, it's nothing.
113
00:04:23,178 --> 00:04:26,512
I was performing in
a one-man show of Fiddler.
114
00:04:26,514 --> 00:04:28,281
There was this roof.
115
00:04:28,283 --> 00:04:30,500
Wow, that one has
fantastic ta-tas.
116
00:04:30,502 --> 00:04:31,651
What, where?
117
00:04:31,653 --> 00:04:32,869
Oh... Oh, damn it.
118
00:04:32,871 --> 00:04:34,004
Ta-ta.
119
00:04:34,006 --> 00:04:36,189
Wait, Nora, wait...
No, look, please don't.
120
00:04:36,191 --> 00:04:37,190
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
121
00:04:37,192 --> 00:04:38,592
What is the matter with you?
122
00:04:38,594 --> 00:04:40,627
What kind of person
needs to lie like that.
123
00:04:40,629 --> 00:04:43,363
A person who really,
really likes you.
124
00:04:43,365 --> 00:04:45,632
And suspects,
probably accurately,
125
00:04:45,634 --> 00:04:47,217
that you're way
out of his league,
126
00:04:47,219 --> 00:04:49,469
and so he feels the need to...
127
00:04:51,088 --> 00:04:52,672
I'm sorry, you were kidding
128
00:04:52,674 --> 00:04:54,057
about the fantastic
ta-tas, right?
129
00:04:54,059 --> 00:04:55,197
'Cause I'm looking around
and I do not see 'em...
130
00:04:58,263 --> 00:05:00,063
I just had two
back-to-back dates.
131
00:05:00,065 --> 00:05:02,732
That's right,
two lovely ladies,
132
00:05:02,734 --> 00:05:06,736
four large cappuccinos,
and... one sec.
133
00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:10,907
And I don't know which
date was more awesome.
134
00:05:10,909 --> 00:05:12,576
Let's meet the girls.
135
00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:14,861
Jessica is a Rhodes scholar.
136
00:05:14,863 --> 00:05:16,396
She's traveled
all over the world.
137
00:05:16,398 --> 00:05:19,065
Speaks four languages,
is a concert pianist.
138
00:05:19,067 --> 00:05:22,852
And Claire reached
for the check.
139
00:05:22,854 --> 00:05:23,970
So I don't know.
140
00:05:23,972 --> 00:05:25,305
It's a squeaker.
141
00:05:25,307 --> 00:05:26,573
I mean, both
of these girls
142
00:05:26,575 --> 00:05:29,426
have the potential to be
something really special.
143
00:05:29,428 --> 00:05:31,380
They both move
on to the next round.
144
00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:32,363
Wait a minute.
145
00:05:32,464 --> 00:05:34,381
You're going to date
two girls at once?
146
00:05:34,383 --> 00:05:36,132
Don't you think you should
just choose one
147
00:05:36,134 --> 00:05:37,267
before it gets serious?
148
00:05:37,269 --> 00:05:38,351
Define serious.
149
00:05:38,353 --> 00:05:40,086
Well, that's complicated.
150
00:05:40,088 --> 00:05:42,472
I guess you have to weigh
expectations,
151
00:05:42,474 --> 00:05:43,723
emotional investments...
152
00:05:43,725 --> 00:05:44,991
Third base.
153
00:05:44,993 --> 00:05:46,393
Seriously, third base.
154
00:05:46,395 --> 00:05:48,862
So I can go to second base with
both of these girls, no problem?
155
00:05:48,864 --> 00:05:51,081
Oh, honk away, my friend.
Yeah, honk away.
156
00:05:51,765 --> 00:05:53,316
Oh, no.
157
00:05:53,318 --> 00:05:55,518
Ever since Mr. Cootes mentioned
the background check,
158
00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,587
Marshall had been
scouring the Internet.
159
00:05:57,589 --> 00:06:00,040
Most of what he found
was pretty harmless.
160
00:06:00,042 --> 00:06:03,276
In some cases,
really awesome, until...
161
00:06:03,278 --> 00:06:04,411
Not good.
162
00:06:04,413 --> 00:06:06,913
This-- this is not good.
163
00:06:07,781 --> 00:06:09,382
Thanks, Stacy.
164
00:06:09,384 --> 00:06:11,635
Wesleyan has a new cafeteria,
165
00:06:11,637 --> 00:06:13,586
thanks to the generous
endowment from--
166
00:06:13,588 --> 00:06:14,971
Oh, ho-ho!
167
00:06:14,973 --> 00:06:18,174
Did somebody say
generous endowment?
168
00:06:18,176 --> 00:06:24,814
I'm Marshall Eriksen, but you
can call me Beercules!
169
00:06:32,156 --> 00:06:34,640
Well, that could
be anybody.
170
00:06:38,305 --> 00:06:41,184
Oh, man, I forgot
about Beercules.
171
00:06:41,789 --> 00:06:43,622
Who made this
Web site anyway?
172
00:06:43,624 --> 00:06:46,067
- Pete Durkenson.
- Of course.
173
00:06:46,068 --> 00:06:49,212
Is that the guy who convinced
you to run across campus naked?
174
00:06:49,213 --> 00:06:51,130
I was pledging his frat,
175
00:06:51,132 --> 00:06:53,215
which I gave up on
after three days,
176
00:06:53,217 --> 00:06:55,701
because frats are stupid
and elitist
177
00:06:55,703 --> 00:06:58,203
and also I found out
he wasn't in a frat.
178
00:06:58,205 --> 00:07:00,255
Oh, my God.
179
00:07:00,257 --> 00:07:01,557
This is awesome.
180
00:07:01,559 --> 00:07:04,276
I just got invited
to the Architects' Ball,
181
00:07:04,278 --> 00:07:07,729
the annual gala that honors
the city's greatest architects.
182
00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:10,899
Oh, no, you guys see
why this sucks, right?
183
00:07:10,901 --> 00:07:12,568
Because it's an annual gala
184
00:07:12,570 --> 00:07:14,153
honoring the city's
greatest architects?
185
00:07:14,155 --> 00:07:17,873
Robin, this is the social event
of the year.
186
00:07:17,875 --> 00:07:20,242
You take a girl
to the Architects' Ball,
187
00:07:20,244 --> 00:07:22,611
brother, you're going
to third base.
188
00:07:22,613 --> 00:07:23,912
Whichever girl
189
00:07:23,914 --> 00:07:25,414
I take as my date,
190
00:07:25,416 --> 00:07:28,333
she will be
Miss Ted Mosby's girlfriend
191
00:07:28,335 --> 00:07:29,902
by the end of the night.
192
00:07:31,037 --> 00:07:32,921
Okay, no more sitting
on the fence.
193
00:07:32,923 --> 00:07:35,090
Robin, get me my legal pad.
194
00:07:35,092 --> 00:07:37,092
It's pros and cons time!
195
00:07:38,562 --> 00:07:41,697
And kids, they really cheered.
196
00:07:41,699 --> 00:07:43,982
Let me make one thing
very clear to you.
197
00:07:43,984 --> 00:07:46,952
I don't date guys who lie to me.
198
00:07:46,954 --> 00:07:49,154
Well, see, I did not
know that.
199
00:07:49,156 --> 00:07:50,305
My bad.
200
00:07:50,307 --> 00:07:52,274
So, from here on in,
no more lies.
201
00:07:52,276 --> 00:07:55,177
I will never lie
to you again.
202
00:07:56,012 --> 00:07:57,613
I'm serious. Ask me anything.
203
00:07:57,615 --> 00:08:00,048
Okay.
204
00:08:00,050 --> 00:08:01,116
Have you ever successfully
205
00:08:01,118 --> 00:08:03,502
gotten a woman in bed
by lying to her?
206
00:08:03,504 --> 00:08:06,121
Have I ever...
207
00:08:08,791 --> 00:08:12,711
If I'm being totally honest...
208
00:08:14,764 --> 00:08:16,215
Yes.
209
00:08:16,217 --> 00:08:18,133
More than once?
210
00:08:18,135 --> 00:08:20,469
More than once...
211
00:08:20,471 --> 00:08:22,554
Wow, that's...
212
00:08:24,525 --> 00:08:27,559
I guess if we're
splitting hairs,
213
00:08:27,561 --> 00:08:31,396
then, technically...
there was a plurality
214
00:08:31,398 --> 00:08:35,701
to the times I've lied to women
for sex having purposes.
215
00:08:35,703 --> 00:08:36,919
What were they?
216
00:08:36,921 --> 00:08:38,921
Nines and tens mostly.
217
00:08:38,923 --> 00:08:40,572
There was a four once.
218
00:08:40,574 --> 00:08:41,957
She was a slump buster.
219
00:08:41,959 --> 00:08:45,577
But, Nora, after that, I had a
run that you would not believe.
220
00:08:45,579 --> 00:08:48,046
Man, honesty feels good.
221
00:08:48,048 --> 00:08:49,731
What were the lies?
222
00:08:49,733 --> 00:08:52,334
You want me to tell you every
lie I've ever told a woman
223
00:08:52,336 --> 00:08:53,502
to get her into bed?
224
00:08:53,504 --> 00:08:56,221
A bed or any other place
you had sex with her.
225
00:08:56,223 --> 00:08:57,456
Oh, you're good.
226
00:08:58,626 --> 00:09:00,809
Pete, Pete. Hey.
227
00:09:00,811 --> 00:09:02,928
Beercules!
228
00:09:02,930 --> 00:09:04,212
Bring it in, dude.
229
00:09:04,214 --> 00:09:06,348
Hey, I've been
trying to call you,
230
00:09:06,350 --> 00:09:07,716
like, all night.
231
00:09:07,718 --> 00:09:08,984
Oh, my God, sorry.
232
00:09:08,986 --> 00:09:10,986
I would have answered,
but it is Tuesday night.
233
00:09:10,988 --> 00:09:11,820
It's Sunday.
234
00:09:11,822 --> 00:09:13,605
And you know what that means.
235
00:09:13,607 --> 00:09:15,691
"Edward Forty Hands."
236
00:09:15,693 --> 00:09:17,759
Kids, "Edward Forty Hands"
237
00:09:17,761 --> 00:09:20,229
is a game that involves taping
two 40-ounce bottles
238
00:09:20,231 --> 00:09:22,564
of malt liquor to your hands.
239
00:09:22,566 --> 00:09:24,299
The object is to finish
both bottle--
240
00:09:24,301 --> 00:09:26,201
Oh, my God, why am
I telling you this?
241
00:09:26,203 --> 00:09:27,369
Let's move on.
242
00:09:27,371 --> 00:09:30,905
Okay, you know that old video
of me streaking?
243
00:09:30,907 --> 00:09:33,074
I watch it every day.
244
00:09:33,076 --> 00:09:35,928
Well, I need you to take it down
off the Internet.
245
00:09:35,930 --> 00:09:37,346
Like, right now.
246
00:09:37,348 --> 00:09:39,080
There are two ways
that can happen.
247
00:09:39,082 --> 00:09:41,216
One, you can give me
$4 million,
248
00:09:41,218 --> 00:09:44,436
or... you can help me
go to the bathroom,
249
00:09:44,438 --> 00:09:45,938
because I... I can't...
250
00:09:45,940 --> 00:09:49,808
Yeah, those are two
non-negotiable no's.
251
00:09:49,810 --> 00:09:51,777
Well, I'm sorry we could not
do business together.
252
00:09:51,779 --> 00:09:53,061
But if you'll excuse me,
253
00:09:53,063 --> 00:09:55,447
I'm in the middle of a game
of "Edward Forty Hands,"
254
00:09:55,449 --> 00:09:57,532
and the competition is fierce.
255
00:09:57,534 --> 00:10:00,268
Who are you
playing with, anyway?
256
00:10:00,270 --> 00:10:03,438
Just myself.
257
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:06,041
Meanwhile, Barney continued
listing every lie
258
00:10:06,043 --> 00:10:07,292
he'd ever told to get laid.
259
00:10:07,294 --> 00:10:09,728
There's no time to explain
how I got bit there.
260
00:10:09,730 --> 00:10:11,863
I just need someone
to suck the poison out.
261
00:10:11,865 --> 00:10:14,032
The surgeons gave me a new face,
262
00:10:14,034 --> 00:10:15,050
honey.
263
00:10:15,052 --> 00:10:16,685
Aren't you relieved I'm alive?
264
00:10:16,687 --> 00:10:19,421
Me llamo David Beckham.
265
00:10:19,423 --> 00:10:22,207
If I were
only casting The White Swan
266
00:10:22,209 --> 00:10:23,508
the role would be yours.
267
00:10:23,510 --> 00:10:25,711
No, I am a lesbian.
268
00:10:25,713 --> 00:10:28,614
This thing that I'm wearing
is just really lifelike.
269
00:10:28,616 --> 00:10:30,349
Okay, let's skip ahead.
270
00:10:30,351 --> 00:10:31,483
What's the worst one?
271
00:10:31,485 --> 00:10:32,768
The lowest of the low?
272
00:10:32,770 --> 00:10:34,186
The creme de la creepy?
273
00:10:34,188 --> 00:10:37,990
Uh... Oh, I once pulled
The Soul Man.
274
00:10:37,992 --> 00:10:41,326
There was this beautiful girl
who only dated black guys...
275
00:10:41,328 --> 00:10:45,130
Barnell!
Ooh, I knew it!
276
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,334
I can't decide.
277
00:10:49,336 --> 00:10:50,836
They're both awesome.
278
00:10:50,838 --> 00:10:53,639
If only architects had
two balls, right, Ted?
279
00:10:53,641 --> 00:10:55,507
I got this.
280
00:10:55,509 --> 00:10:57,009
Ted, left or right?
281
00:10:57,011 --> 00:10:58,326
Yes, yes, great idea.
282
00:10:58,328 --> 00:10:59,961
Let the fates decide, huh?
283
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:02,114
I will pick left.
284
00:11:02,116 --> 00:11:03,298
Just call one of 'em.
285
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:04,299
Ugh!
286
00:11:04,301 --> 00:11:05,634
Ted, deep in your heart,
287
00:11:05,636 --> 00:11:07,936
you know that you
kind of like one
288
00:11:07,938 --> 00:11:08,804
more than the other.
289
00:11:08,806 --> 00:11:10,305
Trust me-- take the other.
290
00:11:10,307 --> 00:11:13,308
Um, maybe I haven't
this is...
291
00:11:13,310 --> 00:11:15,677
the Architects'
Ball, Robin.
292
00:11:15,679 --> 00:11:16,778
It's a star-studded event.
293
00:11:16,780 --> 00:11:19,013
Okay, name one celebrity
who's gonna be there.
294
00:11:19,015 --> 00:11:20,348
Uh... Lenny Kravitz.
295
00:11:20,350 --> 00:11:21,800
Lenny Kravitz is gonna be there?
296
00:11:21,802 --> 00:11:23,235
Yeah.
He's there every year.
297
00:11:23,237 --> 00:11:24,453
And that guy's a rock star.
298
00:11:24,455 --> 00:11:27,706
You know, Ted,
I've been thinking--
299
00:11:27,708 --> 00:11:30,876
it's too soon to narrow it down
between these two girls.
300
00:11:30,878 --> 00:11:31,993
Just take a friend.
301
00:11:31,995 --> 00:11:34,830
Like I... I don't know,
maybe, uh, a friend
302
00:11:34,832 --> 00:11:37,999
who had a poster of
Lenny Kravitz on her wall,
303
00:11:38,001 --> 00:11:40,719
and may or may not
have, perhaps,
304
00:11:40,721 --> 00:11:43,655
dated that poster, on and off,
throughout high school.
305
00:11:44,724 --> 00:11:47,375
This pros and cons list
isn't cutting it.
306
00:11:48,978 --> 00:11:50,712
I need a color chart.
307
00:11:51,681 --> 00:11:52,931
Color chart! Color chart!
308
00:11:52,933 --> 00:11:56,334
And, kids,
we all really chanted.
309
00:11:56,336 --> 00:11:57,352
Pete, please.
310
00:11:57,354 --> 00:11:59,154
I'm unemployed.
311
00:11:59,156 --> 00:12:00,439
I have a huge mortgage.
312
00:12:00,441 --> 00:12:01,940
I have a baby on the way.
313
00:12:01,942 --> 00:12:04,693
And now, I'm about
to lose a job I really need
314
00:12:04,695 --> 00:12:06,578
because of a 15-year-old prank!
315
00:12:06,580 --> 00:12:08,113
Ugh! Do you hear yourself?
316
00:12:08,115 --> 00:12:09,581
Beercules, what happened?
317
00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:10,816
You're like a different person.
318
00:12:11,784 --> 00:12:13,668
The guy in that video
was awesome.
319
00:12:13,670 --> 00:12:16,254
He had potential.
320
00:12:16,256 --> 00:12:18,540
He could have been president of
the frat one day.
321
00:12:18,542 --> 00:12:20,208
There was no frat!
322
00:12:20,210 --> 00:12:21,376
Now he's just a bummer.
323
00:12:21,378 --> 00:12:23,578
It's not like I want
to be a bummer.
324
00:12:23,580 --> 00:12:26,098
I just... I have to be.
325
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:27,582
I'm gonna be a dad.
326
00:12:27,584 --> 00:12:28,850
You'll have kids someday.
327
00:12:28,852 --> 00:12:29,968
You'll understand.
328
00:12:29,970 --> 00:12:32,587
Dude, I have four kids.
329
00:12:32,589 --> 00:12:35,757
Pete, please take
the video down.
330
00:12:36,776 --> 00:12:38,777
All right, Beercules,
I'll take the video down.
331
00:12:38,779 --> 00:12:40,228
If...
332
00:12:40,230 --> 00:12:43,315
you can best me in
a game of my own choosing.
333
00:12:43,317 --> 00:12:44,566
Oh, no...
334
00:12:44,568 --> 00:12:47,035
And I select the beautiful game,
335
00:12:47,037 --> 00:12:48,269
the sweet science...
336
00:12:48,271 --> 00:12:50,071
Pete, please,
I'm so hungover...
337
00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:51,156
...the sport of kings...
338
00:12:51,158 --> 00:12:53,125
I don't want to play
"Edward Forty Hands."
339
00:12:53,127 --> 00:12:54,275
I was gonna say darts--
340
00:12:54,277 --> 00:12:57,078
but "Edward Forty
Hands" it is!
341
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,881
And that concludes all
the space-related lies.
342
00:12:59,883 --> 00:13:02,584
Let's move on to
the world of sports.
343
00:13:02,586 --> 00:13:05,554
Oh, wait, sorry-- I just thought
of another space one.
344
00:13:05,556 --> 00:13:07,889
"I've been bitten
by a moon snake.
345
00:13:07,891 --> 00:13:10,458
You need to suck all the
space poison out of my--"
346
00:13:10,460 --> 00:13:12,144
Okay, Barney, uh,
347
00:13:12,146 --> 00:13:13,678
I have to be at work
tomorrow at 8:00,
348
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:15,347
which means I have
just about enough time
349
00:13:15,349 --> 00:13:17,749
to sit in a shower for 11 hours,
hugging myself.
350
00:13:20,086 --> 00:13:21,236
So this was fun.
351
00:13:21,238 --> 00:13:22,454
Can I call you, or...?
352
00:13:22,456 --> 00:13:25,607
Barney, you're funny, handsome
353
00:13:25,609 --> 00:13:27,275
and really quite clever.
354
00:13:27,277 --> 00:13:29,444
But you're also a sociopath.
355
00:13:29,446 --> 00:13:31,346
Well, I count three pros
and one con, so...
356
00:13:31,348 --> 00:13:33,832
How do you still think
you have a chance with me?
357
00:13:33,834 --> 00:13:36,168
Because you sat
here all night.
358
00:13:36,170 --> 00:13:38,320
You could've left right
away, but you didn't.
359
00:13:39,288 --> 00:13:43,758
Look, Nora, all those lies--
that's the old me.
360
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:46,561
But I swear to you,
I am trying to change.
361
00:13:46,563 --> 00:13:50,465
You... make me want to change.
362
00:13:50,467 --> 00:13:53,351
How do I know that's not a lie?
363
00:13:53,353 --> 00:13:55,070
I'll prove it.
364
00:13:55,072 --> 00:13:56,938
I will prove how serious I am.
365
00:13:56,940 --> 00:13:59,674
I will not leave this diner
366
00:13:59,676 --> 00:14:02,878
until I get
a second date with you.
367
00:14:03,980 --> 00:14:05,197
Good-bye, Barney.
368
00:14:05,648 --> 00:14:07,032
I'm not kidding.
369
00:14:07,034 --> 00:14:08,483
This is a 24-hour diner.
370
00:14:08,485 --> 00:14:12,120
I'll stay here forever,
if I have to-- and I will!
371
00:14:13,990 --> 00:14:15,690
Just water for me. Thanks.
372
00:14:18,193 --> 00:14:20,996
Okay, so red indicates
level of attractiveness,
373
00:14:20,998 --> 00:14:23,465
blue--
intellectual stimulation,
374
00:14:23,467 --> 00:14:25,050
green-- emotional connection,
375
00:14:25,052 --> 00:14:27,702
yellow-- compatibility
of life goals,
376
00:14:27,704 --> 00:14:31,205
and purple-- whether or not
she reached for the check.
377
00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:33,642
Well, it looks like
Jessica's ahead
378
00:14:33,644 --> 00:14:35,710
in the first
four categories.
379
00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:40,415
Did not reach for the check...
380
00:14:42,852 --> 00:14:44,052
Oh, this?
381
00:14:45,221 --> 00:14:46,721
No big deal. This...
382
00:14:46,723 --> 00:14:48,356
This cost three
months rent,
383
00:14:48,358 --> 00:14:50,025
and, uh, I've never
gotten to wear it,
384
00:14:50,027 --> 00:14:52,861
because I bought it for that big
event that you invited me to,
385
00:14:52,863 --> 00:14:54,395
which then fell through.
386
00:14:54,397 --> 00:14:55,830
But, you know what?
387
00:14:55,832 --> 00:14:57,449
Don't feel guilty about that.
388
00:14:57,451 --> 00:14:58,416
What big event?
389
00:14:58,418 --> 00:14:59,567
That thing with your uncle.
390
00:14:59,569 --> 00:15:01,353
His funeral?
391
00:15:02,088 --> 00:15:03,204
It didn't fall through,
392
00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,706
he miraculously
came out of a coma.
393
00:15:04,708 --> 00:15:06,508
And I forgive you.
394
00:15:06,510 --> 00:15:09,094
Now, can I please
meet Lenny Kravitz?
395
00:15:12,414 --> 00:15:13,882
I did it again!
396
00:15:13,884 --> 00:15:15,800
Aw, honey.
397
00:15:15,802 --> 00:15:17,085
You got drunk again.
398
00:15:17,087 --> 00:15:19,721
I can't believe
I took the over.
399
00:15:19,723 --> 00:15:24,192
Just to be clear, "I did it
again" is not a reference...
400
00:15:24,194 --> 00:15:26,761
to my current state of
inebriation.
401
00:15:26,763 --> 00:15:28,930
What's it a reference to?
402
00:15:28,932 --> 00:15:30,899
My name is Marshall Eriksen.
403
00:15:30,901 --> 00:15:32,884
I'm 33 years old.
404
00:15:32,886 --> 00:15:37,956
And if my potential future
employer, Garrison Cootes,
405
00:15:37,958 --> 00:15:40,441
is watching this...
406
00:15:40,443 --> 00:15:43,128
bow down to Beercules!
407
00:15:50,086 --> 00:15:51,920
Well, that could
be anybody.
408
00:15:57,362 --> 00:15:58,694
Oh, goodness.
409
00:16:06,076 --> 00:16:07,985
Pete, this is Lily Aldrin.
410
00:16:07,986 --> 00:16:09,719
I'm gonna make this real simple:
411
00:16:09,721 --> 00:16:11,571
You're gonna take down
that video of Marshall.
412
00:16:11,573 --> 00:16:12,972
You know why?
413
00:16:12,974 --> 00:16:16,025
Because I'm friends with three
girls who dated you in college,
414
00:16:16,027 --> 00:16:18,527
and girls
tell each other everything.
415
00:16:18,529 --> 00:16:21,214
Every tiny detail.
416
00:16:21,216 --> 00:16:22,532
Huh. So...
417
00:16:22,534 --> 00:16:27,887
tick-tock, Pete-- tick-tock goes
the little wee-wee clock.
418
00:16:28,756 --> 00:16:29,872
Pete's got a little wee-wee?
419
00:16:29,874 --> 00:16:31,591
No idea.
What's everyone getting?
420
00:16:31,593 --> 00:16:34,761
This was bound to
happen eventually.
421
00:16:34,763 --> 00:16:37,730
I've been trying so hard
to suppress, like,
422
00:16:37,732 --> 00:16:39,382
my carefree idiot side,
423
00:16:39,384 --> 00:16:43,219
that it just rebelled
and came out swingin'!
424
00:16:43,221 --> 00:16:44,387
It sure did.
425
00:16:44,389 --> 00:16:46,773
Look at me! I'm a windmill!
426
00:16:46,775 --> 00:16:49,943
Who am I kidding?
I'm not ready to be a dad.
427
00:16:49,945 --> 00:16:52,779
I thought that I was,
but it's, like...
428
00:16:52,781 --> 00:16:55,915
my dad never did stuff
like that, you know?
429
00:16:55,917 --> 00:16:57,400
So what if he did?
430
00:16:57,402 --> 00:16:59,285
You'd still love him.
431
00:16:59,287 --> 00:17:02,922
And be honest-- wouldn't you
love to stumble onto a video
432
00:17:02,924 --> 00:17:05,441
of him running down
the street naked, yelling,
433
00:17:05,443 --> 00:17:07,176
"Hey, Marshall, look at me!
434
00:17:07,178 --> 00:17:09,696
I got an icicle on my deal!"
435
00:17:13,935 --> 00:17:15,218
Oh! Hey, guys!
436
00:17:15,220 --> 00:17:16,919
Ow! My neck!
437
00:17:16,921 --> 00:17:19,389
Uh... oh! Hey!
438
00:17:19,391 --> 00:17:20,807
Look at that.
439
00:17:20,809 --> 00:17:23,426
Barney, what are
you doing here?
440
00:17:23,428 --> 00:17:26,529
Oh, I told Nora I wouldn't leave
until she gave me a second date,
441
00:17:26,531 --> 00:17:27,814
and I mean it.
442
00:17:27,816 --> 00:17:29,265
I've already been here
nine hours.
443
00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:32,035
I still need
another minute.
444
00:17:32,037 --> 00:17:35,288
I mean... call me crazy, but
445
00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:37,890
I'm gonna stay here until
I get that girl back.
446
00:17:40,610 --> 00:17:43,796
That-- that's
what I want.
447
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:46,299
The way Barney
feels about Nora--
448
00:17:46,301 --> 00:17:47,950
I want that feeling again.
449
00:17:48,952 --> 00:17:50,837
I don't want to be choosing
between two girls,
450
00:17:50,839 --> 00:17:55,641
I want to be... a complete
head-over-heels idiot for one.
451
00:17:55,643 --> 00:17:57,727
Yeah, the complete
head-over-heels idiot thing's
452
00:17:57,729 --> 00:17:59,896
pretty nice.
453
00:18:00,981 --> 00:18:02,315
It's not bad.
454
00:18:02,317 --> 00:18:05,101
Although, for the record--
455
00:18:05,103 --> 00:18:08,571
sweeping declaration!--
456
00:18:08,573 --> 00:18:13,493
I am never getting
drunk again.
457
00:18:14,412 --> 00:18:16,429
And sure enough...
458
00:18:16,431 --> 00:18:18,331
All hail Beercules!
459
00:18:19,718 --> 00:18:21,017
Yeah!
460
00:18:21,019 --> 00:18:23,703
But, again,
I'm getting ahead of myself.
461
00:18:32,846 --> 00:18:34,013
Hello.
462
00:18:34,015 --> 00:18:36,165
Marshall! Garrison Cootes.
463
00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:37,333
Yes, Mr. Cootes.
464
00:18:37,335 --> 00:18:38,651
Hi. How are you?
465
00:18:38,653 --> 00:18:40,603
I just wanted to let you know,
we did the background check,
466
00:18:40,605 --> 00:18:43,306
and that is
some disturbing streaking.
467
00:18:43,308 --> 00:18:45,108
Sir, th-th-the thing is, um...
468
00:18:45,110 --> 00:18:47,176
The rainbow streaking
in this sample
469
00:18:47,178 --> 00:18:49,028
is definitely
from chemical runoff.
470
00:18:49,030 --> 00:18:51,180
Oh, I...
471
00:18:51,182 --> 00:18:54,183
Bottom line-- we'd love to have
you on board.
472
00:18:54,185 --> 00:18:55,201
That is fantastic!
473
00:18:55,203 --> 00:18:57,353
Thank you, Mr. Cootes!
474
00:18:57,355 --> 00:18:58,354
Well, you're welcome.
475
00:18:58,356 --> 00:19:00,156
And-- oh, and when
you're at the office,
476
00:19:00,158 --> 00:19:02,408
try to wear some clothes,
okay, Beercules?
477
00:19:04,746 --> 00:19:06,045
Wow! That's a big snake.
478
00:19:06,047 --> 00:19:07,213
Oh, there's
a snake in the swamp?
479
00:19:07,215 --> 00:19:08,664
No, I'm talking about
your penis.
480
00:19:08,666 --> 00:19:09,982
See you tomorrow.
481
00:19:11,535 --> 00:19:12,418
I got the job.
482
00:19:12,420 --> 00:19:13,869
Yay!
483
00:19:13,871 --> 00:19:16,305
And I think that my boss
already sexually harassed me.
484
00:19:16,307 --> 00:19:18,891
But he saw the video
and he doesn't care!
485
00:19:18,893 --> 00:19:21,811
See that? Maybe Beercules
isn't so bad after all.
486
00:19:21,813 --> 00:19:22,762
Yeah.
487
00:19:24,149 --> 00:19:25,214
Hello?
488
00:19:25,216 --> 00:19:27,733
Hey, Marshall,
my name is Pete Durkenson.
489
00:19:27,735 --> 00:19:29,152
We went to Wesleyan together.
490
00:19:29,154 --> 00:19:30,403
Yeah, no, I know.
491
00:19:30,405 --> 00:19:32,605
Pete, we... we just
hung out yesterday.
492
00:19:32,607 --> 00:19:34,824
All right, now Lily's message
makes a little more sense.
493
00:19:34,826 --> 00:19:37,360
Listen, don't worry, bro,
I'm gonna take down the video.
494
00:19:37,362 --> 00:19:38,578
You know what?
495
00:19:38,580 --> 00:19:40,062
Leave it up.
496
00:19:40,064 --> 00:19:41,831
Whatever you say, Beercules.
497
00:19:44,785 --> 00:19:46,702
Scalpel.
498
00:19:46,704 --> 00:19:48,921
You know what?
This is good.
499
00:19:48,923 --> 00:19:51,340
I want our kid to see
every side of who I am.
500
00:19:51,342 --> 00:19:52,592
Yeah.
501
00:19:52,594 --> 00:19:54,076
Even the side that runs through
502
00:19:54,078 --> 00:19:56,195
the East Village hangin' brain.
503
00:19:57,764 --> 00:19:59,132
I'm gonna call Pete back.
504
00:19:59,134 --> 00:20:00,550
That's a good idea.
505
00:20:00,552 --> 00:20:03,752
That evening, I took
Robin to the Architects' Ball.
506
00:20:03,754 --> 00:20:05,438
Thanks again for
taking me to this.
507
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:06,472
Mm. My pleasure.
508
00:20:06,474 --> 00:20:07,773
And, you know, you might
find it interesting.
509
00:20:07,775 --> 00:20:09,892
Some of these guys represent the
living history of New York--
510
00:20:09,894 --> 00:20:11,260
Yeah, yeah.
Where's Lenny Kravitz?
511
00:20:11,262 --> 00:20:12,928
Right there.
512
00:20:12,930 --> 00:20:16,782
Leonard Kravitz,
world-renowned architect.
513
00:20:16,784 --> 00:20:19,035
Guy's a rock star.
514
00:20:19,037 --> 00:20:20,653
He's gonna be
giving his famous
515
00:20:20,655 --> 00:20:22,038
90-minute lecture
on crossbeams.
516
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:23,539
Well, great.
517
00:20:23,541 --> 00:20:25,825
I'm gonna go find one
and hang myself from it.
518
00:20:25,827 --> 00:20:27,243
Okay.
519
00:20:27,245 --> 00:20:30,129
Kids, you can't talk
yourself into falling in love.
520
00:20:30,131 --> 00:20:32,948
It doesn't take days
of deliberation.
521
00:20:32,950 --> 00:20:36,502
When it's real,
you know pretty quickly,
522
00:20:36,504 --> 00:20:39,788
and with absolute certainty.
523
00:20:41,058 --> 00:20:43,626
I had forgotten that.
524
00:20:43,628 --> 00:20:45,978
But I was about to be reminded.
525
00:20:45,980 --> 00:20:49,732
♪ Victoria ♪
526
00:20:49,734 --> 00:20:51,901
♪ Victoria... ♪
527
00:20:51,903 --> 00:20:55,903
== sync, corrected by elderman ==