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00:00:01,267 --> 00:00:04,115
NARRATOR: Kids, after Uncle
Marshall lost his father,
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00:00:04,150 --> 00:00:06,203
he decided to stay home a while
to take care of his mother.
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00:00:06,204 --> 00:00:07,471
(phone ringing)
But the longer he stayed there,
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00:00:07,472 --> 00:00:10,207
the more it was like
he had never left Minnesota.
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00:00:10,208 --> 00:00:12,409
Eriksen residence,
Marshall speaking.
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00:00:12,410 --> 00:00:13,977
(laughs)
Oh, that is too cute.
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00:00:13,978 --> 00:00:14,978
Say it again.
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00:00:14,979 --> 00:00:15,979
No.
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It's called manners, jerk.
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00:00:17,282 --> 00:00:19,083
Now, what's-what's going on
in New York?
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00:00:19,084 --> 00:00:20,217
Give me something.
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00:00:20,218 --> 00:00:22,653
There is one thing
that's been going on.
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Uh, it's about Ted... and Zoey.
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to save an old building
from being torn down
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and replaced by a new building
that I'd been hired to design.
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And yet somehow, despite this,
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we had all managed
to become friends.
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Which brings us to the night
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Aunt Robin decided
to cook dinner.
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I thought the oven was Celsius.
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It's okay.
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We got hot dogs.
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Yeah, and it's not like
you can screw up a hot dog.
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Oh, God.
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This is so good.
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I'm gonna finish it
in the bathroom.
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Could someone pass the ketchup?
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I hope I can pass this hot dog.
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00:01:07,966 --> 00:01:09,566
Oh.
(glass shatters)
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Oops. Well, looks
like someone's
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going out in the cold
to get more ketchup.
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Oh, come on, man,
I brought the wine.
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Which is all gone.
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Oops.
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(sighs)
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All right, I tell you what--
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you get this one bottle,
I'll get the next three.
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Hmm, tell you what-- no dice.
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I'll get
the next hundred.
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You're not getting out of this.
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You want to go on a date
with my hot cousin?
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I'll get the ketchup.
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Transcript by Addic7ed.com
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www.addic7ed.com
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Robin, I just want you to know,
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it's either this story you're
telling me or another game
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00:01:48,139 --> 00:01:51,308
of Clue against myself,
so make it good.
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Oh, it's good.
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You see, after that night,
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none of us heard from Zoey
for a while.
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Finally, Ted called her up.
Hello.
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00:01:58,516 --> 00:02:00,350
So are we ever gonna
see you again?
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Because, if I recall correctly,
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you owe me a date
with your hot cousin.
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You still want to do that?
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Yes. And we miss you.
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But the cousin thing mostly.
Let's get that going.
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Don't worry,
Ted, she's cute.
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(Barney coughing)
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"Cute" means "fat""
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She's not fat.
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(coughing):
"Not fat" means "ugly""
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Oh, here she is.
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(coughing): I take
back everything I said.
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That girl is
extremely attractive.
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Hey, Zoey.
Hey.
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Ted, this is
my cousin...
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NARRATOR:
Kids, to be honest,
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I don't quite remember
this girl's name.
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None of us do,
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because as this story
has been told and retold,
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we've always just referred
to her as...
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Honey.
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Hi, Honey, I'm Ted.
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And here's why.
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She is a lovely person--
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warm, intelligent,
just kind of gullible.
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It's like, every word
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out of her mouth
makes you want to be like,
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"Oh, honey."
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Interesting.
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Show your work.
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My apartment building
is so safe.
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My landlord-- he even installed
a security camera in my shower.
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Oh, honey.
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Maybe I should feel weird
about giving a stranger
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my Social Security number,
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but the guy's a Nigerian prince.
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Oh, honey.
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I just had
a great TV audition.
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Behind the KFC where
the executive producer works
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on the weekends.
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Oh, honey.
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Long story short,
I'm going to be on Lost.
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Oh, honey.
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I know.
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You just want to wrap her up
in a blanket
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and give her a cup of tea.
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She's, like, this
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little lost lamb
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who needs to be protected
from the wolves.
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Speaking of whom...
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Yeah, I always get those
e- mails from Michelle Obama
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and sometimes
Obama himself.
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Oh, honey.
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ROBIN:
So the night went on,
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and eventually
everyone went home,
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except for Ted and Honey.
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Wow, an architect.
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How fascinating.
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00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:04,874
Why do they call
'em coasters?
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And Barney.
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Okay, time to go home.
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Ted, a word.
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God, I hate these situations.
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What are we gonna do about this?
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What are you talking about?
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Come on, Ted, it's obvious.
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Honey's vibing on me.
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What?
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It's called body language.
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Remember when she was
touching your arm
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and leaning in real close?
Mm-hmm.
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Well, while that was happening,
the straw in her drink
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was pointed right at me.
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I mean...
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that's as clear
as a signal gets,
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so...
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I'm so sorry, man.
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You're right.
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She's all yours, buddy.
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I'd say
hump her brains out,
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but someone obviously
already has.
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ROBIN:
Good for you.
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Ted Mosby does not
take advantage
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00:05:01,933 --> 00:05:03,300
of poor,
helpless honeys.
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Yeah, actually,
there's another reason
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that I didn't go home
with her.
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Hmm?
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He's gay!
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Mom, hang up!
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I'm sorry.
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(scoffs)
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Go on.
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Yeah, actually,
there's another reason
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that I didn't go home
with her.
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Hmm?
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I'm in love with Zoey.
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00:05:22,253 --> 00:05:24,221
Oh, my God.
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00:05:24,222 --> 00:05:25,756
Oh, my God!
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00:05:25,757 --> 00:05:26,623
Mom!
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Sorry.
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Ted's in love with Zoey?
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But, but she's married.
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That boy needs an intervention.
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Funny you should say that.
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Does anyone know
why we're here?
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LILY: Yeah, who called
this intervention?
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I did. It's for me.
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This is
about the coffee breath.
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Finally. Hmm, no,
it's the shoulder hair.
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BARNEY:
Guys, just let
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00:05:51,701 --> 00:05:53,502
the man explain
how it's all
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about his wearing
a lady's watch.
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It's because
I'm in love with Zoey,
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and she's married,
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so it needs to stop.
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And... intervene.
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Are you sure
it's love?
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(sighs)
Remember the ketchup bottle?
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She wasn't the one
who dropped it.
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When she reached for it,
our fingers touched, and...
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(glass shatters)
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I knew, right in that moment,
this isn't friendship.
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This is love.
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Wuss.
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Marcus!
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This is a private conversation!
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So what'd the wuss do next?
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This is love.
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And this was
my grandmother's watch.
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Anyway, now I have only one
course of action in front of me:
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I have to end
my friendship with Zoey.
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Isn't that
a little harsh?
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Harsh?
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00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:45,520
Robin, a single guy
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and a married woman
cannot be friends
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if one's in love with the other.
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Yeah, but Zoey is
friends with us now, too.
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00:06:51,461 --> 00:06:53,678
It's not like Ted can
just ghost out on her.
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She'll always be around.
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Then what am I
supposed to do?
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Okay, just shut it down.
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Okay, just ignore
your feelings.
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If-If she asks you
for ketchup,
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00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:03,271
tell her to get it
her own damn self.
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00:07:03,272 --> 00:07:05,040
Look, I like Zoey.
Without her,
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my dinner party wouldn't
have been such a success.
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00:07:08,311 --> 00:07:09,845
So those feelings
of yours--
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00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:10,879
shut 'em down.
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00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,749
Fine.
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00:07:13,750 --> 00:07:15,117
I'll shut 'em down.
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00:07:15,118 --> 00:07:19,321
And seriously,
mouthwash after coffee.
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(phone line beeps)
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Oh, um, that's my other line.
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It's not a number I recognize.
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00:07:25,094 --> 00:07:26,294
So don't answer it.
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00:07:26,796 --> 00:07:27,796
(line beeps)
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00:07:27,797 --> 00:07:29,131
Yeah.
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00:07:29,132 --> 00:07:30,632
(Minnesotan accent):
Oh, my God,
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you are so Minnesota.
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00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,136
You can't not answer the phone
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00:07:34,137 --> 00:07:35,203
because it would be rude.
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(line beeps)
Well, it would be.
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00:07:36,305 --> 00:07:38,874
Good-bye.
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00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,909
Eriksen residence,
Marshall speaking.
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00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:41,710
Hey, Marshall.
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00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:42,677
Barney.
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00:07:42,678 --> 00:07:43,979
W- What number is this?
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00:07:43,980 --> 00:07:45,480
I'm up on burners, playa.
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00:07:45,481 --> 00:07:47,349
Too many crazies had
my old number,
222
00:07:47,350 --> 00:07:50,152
so now I'm all about
disposable cell phones.
223
00:07:50,153 --> 00:07:52,187
I'll use one for a while,
have my fun,
224
00:07:52,188 --> 00:07:54,089
then dump it and get a new one.
225
00:07:54,090 --> 00:07:55,991
And then I'll do the same
with my phone.
226
00:07:55,992 --> 00:08:00,328
Hey, uh, so Robin told me about
this whole Ted and Zoey thing.
227
00:08:00,329 --> 00:08:02,297
Dude, she doesn't know
how to tell a story.
228
00:08:02,298 --> 00:08:04,216
I'll tell you that story.
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00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,867
Hey, Zoey.
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00:08:05,868 --> 00:08:06,835
Hey.
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00:08:06,836 --> 00:08:09,087
Ted, this is
my cousin...
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00:08:09,088 --> 00:08:11,039
Honey.
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00:08:13,776 --> 00:08:15,510
MARSHALL:
Uh...
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00:08:15,511 --> 00:08:16,912
Robin's version was...
235
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,747
That is exactly how it happened.
236
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:19,881
So Ted did his best
237
00:08:19,882 --> 00:08:21,983
to impress her,
but as per yoozh,
238
00:08:21,984 --> 00:08:25,487
he bored the pants
very much on her.
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00:08:25,488 --> 00:08:27,606
Blah, blah, blah,
I'm an architect.
240
00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:30,358
Blah, blah, blah,
I don't wear suits.
241
00:08:30,359 --> 00:08:31,560
Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
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00:08:31,561 --> 00:08:34,196
Wow, an architect.
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00:08:34,197 --> 00:08:35,964
How fascinating.
244
00:08:35,965 --> 00:08:37,232
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
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00:08:37,233 --> 00:08:38,867
Rambling architecture anecdote.
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00:08:38,868 --> 00:08:40,235
Blah, blah,
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00:08:40,236 --> 00:08:41,703
something about a bridge.
248
00:08:41,704 --> 00:08:42,637
Blah, blah, blah...
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00:08:42,638 --> 00:08:44,706
(whispers):
Straw.
250
00:08:46,509 --> 00:08:49,211
(whispers):
Coaster.
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00:08:50,079 --> 00:08:53,081
Okay, time to go home.
252
00:08:55,134 --> 00:08:57,719
Anyway, I get Honey
back to her place.
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00:08:58,654 --> 00:09:00,088
Who's your daddy?
254
00:09:00,089 --> 00:09:02,324
Okay, can we skip
this part, please?
255
00:09:02,325 --> 00:09:05,727
Sure, I'll just summarize it.
256
00:09:05,728 --> 00:09:09,331
(imitating squeaky bedsprings)
257
00:09:11,534 --> 00:09:14,469
(squeaking accelerates)
258
00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:18,273
(squeaking slows)
259
00:09:18,274 --> 00:09:19,274
Okay, that's been
260
00:09:19,275 --> 00:09:20,408
going on a while.
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00:09:20,409 --> 00:09:22,777
Only way I know how.
262
00:09:22,778 --> 00:09:25,780
Any-who, next day,
I'm going into work.
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00:09:25,781 --> 00:09:27,615
I run into Zoey.
Hey, Zoey.
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00:09:27,616 --> 00:09:30,752
That cousin of yours--
Honey-- yowsa!
265
00:09:30,753 --> 00:09:32,754
I must say, your family
tree has got a couple
266
00:09:32,755 --> 00:09:34,923
of pretty big coconuts.
267
00:09:34,924 --> 00:09:36,091
Thanks.
268
00:09:36,092 --> 00:09:38,176
Yeah, we had a great
time last night.
269
00:09:38,177 --> 00:09:40,929
And then just hand stuff
in the morning, so...
270
00:09:40,930 --> 00:09:42,697
Wait, she didn't go home
with Ted?
271
00:09:42,698 --> 00:09:44,065
Nope, he let me have her.
272
00:09:44,066 --> 00:09:46,067
I have to say, it was
pretty noble of him.
273
00:09:46,068 --> 00:09:49,504
He fell on his sword so that
she could fall on mine.
274
00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:53,141
I won't bore you with the
details, but to summarize...
275
00:09:53,142 --> 00:09:56,778
(imitating squeaky bedsprings)
276
00:09:58,948 --> 00:10:00,649
She hugged me.
277
00:10:00,650 --> 00:10:02,384
What was that all about?
278
00:10:02,385 --> 00:10:03,718
Zoey's in love with Ted.
279
00:10:03,719 --> 00:10:04,953
Marcus!
280
00:10:04,954 --> 00:10:06,288
Wait, hear me out, Marshall.
281
00:10:06,289 --> 00:10:09,324
Zoey's in love with Ted,
but she's married,
282
00:10:09,325 --> 00:10:11,059
so she tried to push him away
283
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:13,428
by setting him up
with her cousin instead.
284
00:10:13,429 --> 00:10:15,564
But seeing Ted and Honey
hit it off was
285
00:10:15,565 --> 00:10:17,065
more than her gentle heart
could bear,
286
00:10:17,066 --> 00:10:20,835
so Zoey left early,
pricked by love's fickle thorn.
287
00:10:20,836 --> 00:10:22,537
But then, the next morning,
upon learning
288
00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:25,740
that Ted had not tasted
of Honey's sweet nectar,
289
00:10:25,741 --> 00:10:29,945
her joy burst forth like
a blossoming flower in spring.
290
00:10:29,946 --> 00:10:31,947
Wow.
291
00:10:31,948 --> 00:10:34,316
Zoey's in love with Ted.
292
00:10:34,317 --> 00:10:38,587
Oh, Marshall, I stopped by that
new doughnut shop Hertz Donuts.
293
00:10:38,588 --> 00:10:40,522
Would you like a Hertz Donut?
294
00:10:40,523 --> 00:10:41,723
Sure.
295
00:10:47,129 --> 00:10:47,829
Hey, where's the...?
296
00:10:47,830 --> 00:10:49,497
No! Aah!
297
00:10:49,498 --> 00:10:50,698
Hurts, don't it?
298
00:10:53,636 --> 00:10:55,370
I can't believe
you fell for that, bro.
299
00:10:55,371 --> 00:10:58,173
So Ted's in love with Zoey
300
00:10:58,174 --> 00:11:00,875
and Zoey's in love with Ted?
301
00:11:00,876 --> 00:11:02,544
Well, that-that's not
going to work.
302
00:11:02,545 --> 00:11:04,179
I got to call Ted.
303
00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:06,014
(phone ringing)
304
00:11:06,015 --> 00:11:07,215
Hello.
305
00:11:07,216 --> 00:11:08,350
Listen, Ted, um,
306
00:11:08,351 --> 00:11:10,452
I got to tell you
something about Zoey.
307
00:11:10,453 --> 00:11:13,755
Yeah, yeah. I need to tell you
something about Zoey, too.
308
00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:16,424
Hey. I was in the neighborhood
and I thought I'd take you up
309
00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:18,259
on that beer
you're about to offer me.
310
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,028
Can I get you a beer?
311
00:11:20,029 --> 00:11:22,030
Oh, Ted, I'm so busy.
312
00:11:22,031 --> 00:11:23,431
But I guess I got time for one.
313
00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:25,283
Lead the way.
314
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:30,305
(laughing):
Oh, my God.
315
00:11:30,306 --> 00:11:31,589
What?!
316
00:11:31,590 --> 00:11:33,441
Fridge full of ketchup? How?
317
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:36,044
How, I ask you?
318
00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:38,380
(laughs)
319
00:11:39,548 --> 00:11:41,449
What?
320
00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:45,120
Listen, Zoey, I, um...
321
00:11:46,922 --> 00:11:48,890
I need to tell you something.
322
00:11:48,891 --> 00:11:50,492
Um...
323
00:11:50,493 --> 00:11:52,427
Marshall, I'm going to Byerly's.
You want anything?
324
00:11:52,428 --> 00:11:54,295
Mom! Get off the phone!
325
00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:56,164
Could you get
some more Bugles, please?
326
00:11:56,165 --> 00:11:57,098
Of course, dear.
327
00:11:57,099 --> 00:11:58,233
Marcus, hang up!
328
00:11:58,234 --> 00:12:00,235
Both of you, hang up!
329
00:12:00,236 --> 00:12:02,437
And we need ice cream.
330
00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:05,907
Go on.
331
00:12:05,908 --> 00:12:10,378
I, uh... I can't be
friends with you anymore.
332
00:12:11,414 --> 00:12:14,315
And this may
seem strange, but...
333
00:12:14,316 --> 00:12:16,151
you can't ask me why.
334
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:18,353
Wow.
335
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,990
Okay.
336
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,164
And that was it.
337
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:30,532
No more Zoey.
338
00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:31,683
(line beeps)
339
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,101
Oh. Hey, buddy, that's Lily.
340
00:12:33,102 --> 00:12:34,502
I should take that.
341
00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:35,470
But, uh,
342
00:12:35,471 --> 00:12:37,138
you're a good guy, Ted.
343
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:40,191
Hey, baby.
344
00:12:40,192 --> 00:12:41,476
We hate Ted now.
345
00:12:41,477 --> 00:12:43,712
Get on board
or the sexting stops.
346
00:12:43,713 --> 00:12:46,181
Ted's a son of a bitch!
347
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:48,717
(cell phone chirps)
348
00:12:48,718 --> 00:12:50,651
Oh, nice.
349
00:12:50,652 --> 00:12:54,022
But, hey, um, baby,
go easy on Ted, okay?
350
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,357
He just, he just
ended things with Zoey.
351
00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:57,592
Oh, I know.
352
00:12:57,593 --> 00:13:00,228
But did he tell you
the whole story?
353
00:13:00,229 --> 00:13:04,466
I, uh, I can't be friends
with you anymore.
354
00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:07,969
And you can't ask me why.
355
00:13:13,642 --> 00:13:14,709
Why?
356
00:13:14,710 --> 00:13:16,978
Lily hates you.
357
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,682
You hate me?
358
00:13:25,860 --> 00:13:27,327
That's crazy.
I don't hate you.
359
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:30,830
Well, I know that's not true,
Lily. Ted told me everything.
360
00:13:30,831 --> 00:13:32,665
He... Oh, really?
361
00:13:32,666 --> 00:13:35,969
And-And what did Ted say,
exactly?
362
00:13:35,970 --> 00:13:37,871
Lily hates you.
363
00:13:38,739 --> 00:13:41,608
She hates you so much
364
00:13:41,609 --> 00:13:44,411
it's hard to be around you.
365
00:13:45,746 --> 00:13:48,415
So we can't be friends.
366
00:13:48,416 --> 00:13:51,551
Oh, he... Oh, yeah.
367
00:13:51,552 --> 00:13:53,186
Yeah, okay, well,
368
00:13:53,187 --> 00:13:55,922
I- I guess there's no use
hiding it anymore.
369
00:13:55,923 --> 00:13:57,957
I- I hate you.
370
00:13:57,958 --> 00:13:59,192
Bitch.
371
00:13:59,193 --> 00:14:01,728
I can't believe it.
372
00:14:01,729 --> 00:14:04,631
I really thought
you and I were friends.
373
00:14:04,632 --> 00:14:06,266
Lord knows I could
374
00:14:06,267 --> 00:14:07,534
use a friend right now.
375
00:14:07,535 --> 00:14:10,203
I've been going through
some pretty difficult stuff.
376
00:14:10,204 --> 00:14:12,839
Difficult stuff?
What difficult stuff?
377
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:13,840
I don't know.
378
00:14:13,841 --> 00:14:15,575
Well, you did
the right thing, baby.
379
00:14:15,576 --> 00:14:17,911
Not entirely.
380
00:14:17,912 --> 00:14:20,213
Zoey, wait!
381
00:14:20,214 --> 00:14:21,748
I don't hate you!
382
00:14:21,749 --> 00:14:22,782
We just
383
00:14:22,783 --> 00:14:25,919
can't be friends
anymore because...
384
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,754
Robin hates you.
385
00:14:27,755 --> 00:14:29,589
(line beeps)
386
00:14:29,590 --> 00:14:30,790
And that's Robin
on the other line.
387
00:14:30,791 --> 00:14:32,058
Oh, well,
I'll let you take that.
388
00:14:32,059 --> 00:14:33,026
Love you, baby!
389
00:14:33,027 --> 00:14:35,395
Eriksen residence,
Marshall speaking.
390
00:14:35,396 --> 00:14:37,814
Listen, Robin. I know.
I apologize for my wife.
391
00:14:37,815 --> 00:14:39,165
She never should have...
392
00:14:39,166 --> 00:14:41,501
Yeah, I told Zoey you hate her.
393
00:14:41,502 --> 00:14:42,652
Me?
394
00:14:42,653 --> 00:14:44,270
You dragged me into this?!
395
00:14:44,271 --> 00:14:45,538
You just went through a tragedy.
396
00:14:45,539 --> 00:14:47,574
It's not like she's
gonna call you up and...
397
00:14:47,575 --> 00:14:48,708
(line beeps)
398
00:14:48,709 --> 00:14:50,460
Oh, God, that's my other line.
399
00:14:50,461 --> 00:14:53,112
Oh, God, it's a 917 number,
and I don't recognize it!
400
00:14:53,113 --> 00:14:54,180
I think it's Zoey!
401
00:14:54,181 --> 00:14:55,348
Just don't answer it.
402
00:14:55,349 --> 00:14:57,517
I can't not answer.
It's impolite.
403
00:14:57,518 --> 00:14:58,751
Marshall, you can beat this.
I can't turn my back
404
00:14:58,752 --> 00:15:00,019
on politeness.
You don't have to answer.
405
00:15:00,020 --> 00:15:01,554
You can just let it ring.
Good manners are what
406
00:15:01,555 --> 00:15:02,622
separate us from those "elbows
on the table" Wisconsinites.
407
00:15:02,623 --> 00:15:03,857
You can do this.
I believe in you.
408
00:15:03,858 --> 00:15:06,192
Don't do it, Marshall!
I'm sorry, Robin!
409
00:15:06,193 --> 00:15:08,061
Eriksen residence.
Marshall speaking.
410
00:15:08,062 --> 00:15:11,164
Hi. I spent the night
with your friend Barney
411
00:15:11,165 --> 00:15:13,766
and he accidentally
left his phone
412
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:15,935
in my apartment, in the garbage.
413
00:15:15,936 --> 00:15:17,103
But I've been
414
00:15:17,104 --> 00:15:18,438
going through
all of his contacts
415
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:20,507
because I'm sure he wants
to get in touch with me.
416
00:15:21,208 --> 00:15:23,009
After all,
he told me, uh...
417
00:15:23,010 --> 00:15:24,811
I was his first.
418
00:15:24,812 --> 00:15:26,846
Oh, honey.
419
00:15:26,847 --> 00:15:28,781
Oh! Honey!
420
00:15:28,782 --> 00:15:30,450
Zoey's cousin.
421
00:15:30,451 --> 00:15:31,718
Hi.
422
00:15:31,719 --> 00:15:32,752
Listen, um, about Barney...
423
00:15:32,753 --> 00:15:34,854
Oh, yeah.
He's such a sweet guy.
424
00:15:34,855 --> 00:15:37,090
Who's your daddy?
425
00:15:37,091 --> 00:15:39,659
(giggles):
Oh...
426
00:15:39,660 --> 00:15:41,127
Who's your daddy?
427
00:15:41,128 --> 00:15:43,863
(sobbing):
I don't know.
428
00:15:45,900 --> 00:15:49,102
I guess he recently decided
to get in touch with his dad.
429
00:15:49,103 --> 00:15:51,437
His mom gave him
the guy's address.
430
00:15:51,438 --> 00:15:54,057
So I wrote him a letter.
431
00:15:54,058 --> 00:15:56,242
And I poured
my heart out.
432
00:15:56,243 --> 00:15:59,979
And I gave him my number
and I told him to call me.
433
00:15:59,980 --> 00:16:02,815
And he still
hasn't called me.
434
00:16:02,816 --> 00:16:04,951
Oh, honey.
435
00:16:04,952 --> 00:16:06,953
I mean,
I shouldn't be surprised.
436
00:16:06,954 --> 00:16:09,822
Clearly, he wants
nothing to do with me.
437
00:16:09,823 --> 00:16:11,524
Oh, honey.
438
00:16:11,525 --> 00:16:13,326
I mean,
439
00:16:13,327 --> 00:16:16,563
why else would
he let 30 years go by?
440
00:16:16,564 --> 00:16:17,997
He's ashamed
441
00:16:17,998 --> 00:16:20,833
to have me as a son.
442
00:16:20,834 --> 00:16:23,869
Oh, honey,
he's not ashamed of you.
443
00:16:23,870 --> 00:16:26,639
He's ashamed of himself.
444
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:27,807
I mean, look at you.
445
00:16:27,808 --> 00:16:29,842
You're do so great without him.
446
00:16:29,843 --> 00:16:32,679
I mean, you have an airline
447
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:35,281
and three Nobel Prizes,
448
00:16:35,282 --> 00:16:37,584
and you play for the Yankees.
449
00:16:37,585 --> 00:16:40,353
Four. Four Nobel Prizes.
450
00:16:40,354 --> 00:16:42,255
Four. See?
451
00:16:42,256 --> 00:16:43,856
That is impressive.
452
00:16:43,857 --> 00:16:45,892
I mean, how many does he have?
453
00:16:45,893 --> 00:16:47,360
Only three.
454
00:16:47,361 --> 00:16:49,729
Well, there you go.
455
00:16:49,730 --> 00:16:53,066
Hey, uh, listen, Honey,
while I've got you,
456
00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:56,169
do you have any idea
what kind of difficult stuff
457
00:16:56,170 --> 00:16:57,403
Zoey's been going through?
458
00:16:57,404 --> 00:16:59,272
Oh, I can't tell you about that.
459
00:16:59,273 --> 00:17:01,474
The only people
that are allowed to know
460
00:17:01,475 --> 00:17:04,711
are me, Zoey and her therapist.
461
00:17:05,546 --> 00:17:07,714
I am her therapist.
462
00:17:07,715 --> 00:17:10,783
Oh! Well, in that case...
463
00:17:14,555 --> 00:17:17,757
Uh, okay, listen, I think we've
made great progress for today.
464
00:17:17,758 --> 00:17:20,109
I got to go. Bye.
465
00:17:21,395 --> 00:17:22,729
Mom! Marcus!
466
00:17:22,730 --> 00:17:24,096
(knocking at door)
467
00:17:25,499 --> 00:17:27,300
What's this really about?
468
00:17:27,301 --> 00:17:29,002
I told you.
469
00:17:29,003 --> 00:17:30,403
Lily hates you.
470
00:17:30,404 --> 00:17:31,471
I think you hate me.
471
00:17:31,472 --> 00:17:33,373
I think you have
some big problem with me,
472
00:17:33,374 --> 00:17:35,742
and you're too chicken
to come out and say it.
473
00:17:37,144 --> 00:17:38,544
All right.
474
00:17:38,545 --> 00:17:40,847
Yes.
475
00:17:40,848 --> 00:17:43,683
I... hate you.
476
00:17:43,684 --> 00:17:45,652
Great.
477
00:17:45,653 --> 00:17:47,887
See?
478
00:17:47,888 --> 00:17:49,422
Was that so hard?
479
00:17:53,727 --> 00:17:55,461
Zoey.
480
00:17:55,462 --> 00:17:56,962
Can you at least tell me why?
481
00:17:56,963 --> 00:17:58,631
Because I'm racking
my brain here,
482
00:17:58,632 --> 00:18:00,132
and I thought...
483
00:18:00,133 --> 00:18:01,367
(sighs)
484
00:18:01,368 --> 00:18:04,003
I just want to know why.
485
00:18:05,172 --> 00:18:08,641
So we got Ted and Zoey.
Ted is in love with Zoey.
486
00:18:08,642 --> 00:18:09,842
Zoey has no idea.
487
00:18:09,843 --> 00:18:12,612
Then Zoey's cousin Honey
went home with Barney,
488
00:18:12,613 --> 00:18:13,913
and Zoey was happy about it.
489
00:18:13,914 --> 00:18:15,081
Which tells us what?
490
00:18:15,082 --> 00:18:16,783
Zoey's in love with...
491
00:18:16,784 --> 00:18:18,651
Zoey's in love with Ted
and Ted doesn't know.
492
00:18:18,652 --> 00:18:20,620
So Ted and Zoey--
they're in love with each other,
493
00:18:20,621 --> 00:18:22,622
which would be fine
if Zoey wasn't
494
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:23,923
married to Colonel Mustard.
495
00:18:23,924 --> 00:18:25,324
I mean, The Captain.
496
00:18:26,126 --> 00:18:29,762
Except now,
as Honey informs me...
497
00:18:29,763 --> 00:18:30,930
And we miss you.
498
00:18:30,931 --> 00:18:32,298
But the cousin thing mostly.
499
00:18:32,299 --> 00:18:33,433
Let's get that going.
500
00:18:33,434 --> 00:18:36,168
Fine, I will, uh,
make it happen.
501
00:18:36,169 --> 00:18:38,838
Good-bye.
502
00:18:38,839 --> 00:18:42,141
Okay. Well...
503
00:18:42,142 --> 00:18:44,677
I guess I'll take it.
504
00:18:49,349 --> 00:18:53,586
Zoey and The Captain
are getting divorced.
505
00:18:54,688 --> 00:18:56,055
Which means...?
506
00:18:56,056 --> 00:18:57,924
So help me, Marshall,
507
00:18:57,925 --> 00:19:02,428
if you don't call those two
crazy, mixed-up kids, I will.
508
00:19:02,429 --> 00:19:04,397
Give me that phone.
509
00:19:06,233 --> 00:19:07,366
Why do I hate you?
510
00:19:07,367 --> 00:19:08,534
Are you kidding?
511
00:19:08,535 --> 00:19:10,336
Uh, you're actively trying
to prevent me
512
00:19:10,337 --> 00:19:11,571
from realizing a lifelong dream.
513
00:19:11,572 --> 00:19:12,805
So there's that.
514
00:19:12,806 --> 00:19:13,673
Plus, you're stubborn
515
00:19:13,674 --> 00:19:15,441
and-and-and argumentative.
516
00:19:15,442 --> 00:19:19,312
And what kind of name
is Zoey, huh?
517
00:19:19,313 --> 00:19:21,080
What is that, short for Zoseph?
518
00:19:21,081 --> 00:19:23,082
(cell phone ringing)
Go on, get it.
519
00:19:23,083 --> 00:19:24,434
I'll have more in a second.
520
00:19:26,270 --> 00:19:27,687
Hello.
521
00:19:27,688 --> 00:19:29,772
Oh, hey, Marshall.
522
00:19:32,493 --> 00:19:34,694
Yes, I am.
523
00:19:36,697 --> 00:19:38,097
Yes, I am.
524
00:19:39,533 --> 00:19:41,801
He is?
525
00:19:44,471 --> 00:19:46,873
Bye.
526
00:19:46,874 --> 00:19:48,474
Why was Marshall calling?
527
00:19:48,475 --> 00:19:50,076
Don't worry about it.
Go on.
528
00:19:50,077 --> 00:19:52,345
You talk during movies.
529
00:19:52,346 --> 00:19:53,346
You-You-You
530
00:19:53,347 --> 00:19:55,281
sneeze with your whole body.
531
00:19:55,282 --> 00:19:56,415
Uh, to my knowledge,
532
00:19:56,416 --> 00:19:58,684
you do not speak Portuguese.
533
00:19:58,685 --> 00:19:59,852
Well, actually...
534
00:19:59,853 --> 00:20:02,255
(speaking Portuguese)
535
00:20:02,256 --> 00:20:04,440
You're a show-off.
536
00:20:04,441 --> 00:20:06,993
(cell phone ringing)
537
00:20:06,994 --> 00:20:09,428
You better take that.
538
00:20:12,783 --> 00:20:15,034
Uh, hey, Marshall,
can I call you back?
539
00:20:15,035 --> 00:20:17,303
I'm out in the hallway with...
540
00:20:17,304 --> 00:20:19,906
She is?
541
00:20:23,243 --> 00:20:24,644
She is?
542
00:20:26,346 --> 00:20:30,338
Marshall, I got to go.
543
00:20:53,181 --> 00:20:54,833
They're kissing.
544
00:20:54,834 --> 00:20:55,798
They're kissing?!
545
00:20:55,980 --> 00:20:57,945
Yeah! (screams)
They're kissing!
546
00:20:58,117 --> 00:21:00,800
They're kissing, Mom!
They're kissing!