1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,052 y of my stories I'm a starry-eyed romantic 2 00:00:04,053 --> 00:00:06,221 on a noble search for true love. 3 00:00:06,222 --> 00:00:08,790 In this one, I'm just a jerk. 4 00:00:08,791 --> 00:00:13,428 Well, guys, tonight is the night. 5 00:00:13,429 --> 00:00:16,130 to see my antique camera collection. 6 00:00:16,131 --> 00:00:17,332 Ah! It's Ted's bait. 7 00:00:17,333 --> 00:00:18,399 "Bait"? 8 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:20,635 A true gentleman invents a pretense 9 00:00:20,636 --> 00:00:22,937 to lure an honorable lady into his apartment. 10 00:00:22,938 --> 00:00:25,406 Some item of interest or beauty you can both 11 00:00:25,407 --> 00:00:26,908 pretend to admire for five minutes 12 00:00:26,909 --> 00:00:29,377 before she hops on your disco stick. 13 00:00:29,378 --> 00:00:30,945 Like she's coming up to "borrow a book" 14 00:00:30,946 --> 00:00:32,981 or "check out an album on vinyl." 15 00:00:32,982 --> 00:00:34,315 Or to see your new rap poster. 16 00:00:34,316 --> 00:00:36,050 "Rap poster"? 17 00:00:36,051 --> 00:00:37,285 Who would that work on? 18 00:00:37,286 --> 00:00:39,454 It was the first week of college. 19 00:00:39,455 --> 00:00:41,422 I was really into Wu-Tang Clan. 20 00:00:42,391 --> 00:00:43,925 Yeah, bait is tricky. 21 00:00:43,926 --> 00:00:46,694 It has to be something interesting enough to get the girl upstairs, 22 00:00:46,695 --> 00:00:49,030 but not so interesting that it overpowers the night. 23 00:00:49,031 --> 00:00:51,432 BARNEY: I found that a slot machine was too fun. 24 00:00:51,433 --> 00:00:53,635 (coins clinking) (yelling) 25 00:00:55,137 --> 00:00:56,904 And a trampoline... 26 00:00:56,905 --> 00:00:59,907 turned out to be too dangerous. 27 00:01:00,809 --> 00:01:03,344 But then I found the perfect bait: 28 00:01:03,345 --> 00:01:05,580 a teacup pig. 29 00:01:07,449 --> 00:01:09,651 "A teacup pig"? Who's that working on? 30 00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:11,819 You have a teacup pig?! I didn't know you had a teacup pig! 31 00:01:11,820 --> 00:01:12,787 Can we see the teacup pig?! 32 00:01:12,788 --> 00:01:15,056 Hey, can I borrow your teacup pig? 33 00:01:15,057 --> 00:01:17,091 Yes, you can borrow my teacup pig. 34 00:01:17,092 --> 00:01:18,693 You have a teacup pig?! Oh, my gosh! 35 00:01:18,694 --> 00:01:19,961 I can't believe you have a teacup pig! 36 00:01:19,962 --> 00:01:21,062 You're just so cute! 37 00:01:21,063 --> 00:01:23,231 Yes, you are the cutest piggy ever! 38 00:01:23,232 --> 00:01:25,099 What? 39 00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:26,734 Were you always this pretty? 40 00:01:26,735 --> 00:01:28,269 Or are you going to give me that whole, 41 00:01:28,270 --> 00:01:30,905 "Oh, in high school I was really shy and awkward" line? 42 00:01:30,906 --> 00:01:32,807 I was shy and awkward. 43 00:01:32,808 --> 00:01:34,342 I was, like, a hundred pounds heavier 44 00:01:34,343 --> 00:01:36,944 and I had these crazy buck teeth. Seriously? 45 00:01:36,945 --> 00:01:39,247 No, I've always been hot. 46 00:01:39,248 --> 00:01:41,849 What are you going to do? (chuckles) 47 00:01:44,053 --> 00:01:46,120 Do you know who else would love this teacup pig? 48 00:01:46,121 --> 00:01:47,789 Hmm? 49 00:01:47,790 --> 00:01:49,524 My boyfriend. 50 00:01:51,226 --> 00:01:54,595 Transcript by Addic7ed.com 51 00:02:04,206 --> 00:02:05,306 You have a boyfriend? 52 00:02:05,307 --> 00:02:06,474 Ugh, I know. 53 00:02:06,475 --> 00:02:08,609 So annoying, right? I mean, he's 54 00:02:08,610 --> 00:02:10,411 not really my boyfriend. 55 00:02:10,412 --> 00:02:12,347 Oh, good. I mean, 56 00:02:12,348 --> 00:02:14,048 technically, he kind of is. 57 00:02:14,049 --> 00:02:15,783 Well, is he or isn't he? 58 00:02:15,784 --> 00:02:19,153 Some of both, but definitely not either. 59 00:02:19,154 --> 00:02:21,122 Are you getting any of this? 60 00:02:22,257 --> 00:02:24,625 Look, I really like you. 61 00:02:24,626 --> 00:02:26,794 I just need you to be patient. 62 00:02:26,795 --> 00:02:30,631 I don't want to lose you, Big Brown Eyes. 63 00:02:32,668 --> 00:02:35,503 Yup. Somebody doesn't want to lose 64 00:02:35,504 --> 00:02:36,971 Big Brown Eyes. 65 00:02:36,972 --> 00:02:38,539 ROBIN: Oh, Ted. 66 00:02:38,540 --> 00:02:40,575 She's got you on the hook. 67 00:02:40,576 --> 00:02:42,610 What? What? I'm not on the hook. 68 00:02:42,611 --> 00:02:44,779 Oh, you are totally on the hook. 69 00:02:44,780 --> 00:02:46,280 She's stringing you along. 70 00:02:46,281 --> 00:02:47,715 She's not committing to you, 71 00:02:47,716 --> 00:02:49,717 but she's keeping you around just in case, 72 00:02:49,718 --> 00:02:52,987 like an old can of chili in the pantry. 73 00:02:52,988 --> 00:02:54,322 Um, who's buying canned chili 74 00:02:54,323 --> 00:02:57,392 and not eating it immediately? Amen, sister. 75 00:02:58,827 --> 00:03:00,461 Ted, don't feel bad. We've all been there. 76 00:03:00,462 --> 00:03:01,596 I've been on both sides of it. 77 00:03:01,597 --> 00:03:03,164 I've been a hookey and a hooker. 78 00:03:03,165 --> 00:03:04,599 Move past it, guys. 79 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,200 I've been a little bit loose, 80 00:03:06,201 --> 00:03:08,069 but money never changed hands. 81 00:03:08,871 --> 00:03:10,671 I've been on the hook. 82 00:03:10,672 --> 00:03:12,740 Lisa Walker. Picture it: 83 00:03:12,741 --> 00:03:16,411 1994, St. Cloud, Minnesota. 84 00:03:16,412 --> 00:03:19,981 So I was, like, thinking, Lisa- 85 00:03:19,982 --> 00:03:24,752 do you maybe want to, like, go out with me? 86 00:03:24,753 --> 00:03:27,188 That sounds great. 87 00:03:27,189 --> 00:03:29,257 But I'm sort of seeing this guy. 88 00:03:29,258 --> 00:03:30,525 He's got a LeBaron convertible 89 00:03:30,526 --> 00:03:32,093 and an "in" at the roller rink, 90 00:03:32,094 --> 00:03:34,262 so I'd hate to burn that bridge. 91 00:03:35,864 --> 00:03:38,399 I understand. 92 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,034 But how about this? 93 00:03:40,035 --> 00:03:41,636 You can be my secret boyfriend 94 00:03:41,637 --> 00:03:43,271 who does all my homework for me. 95 00:03:46,241 --> 00:03:47,775 A'ight. 96 00:03:48,677 --> 00:03:50,945 You want to see my rap poster? 97 00:03:50,946 --> 00:03:52,814 Poster whore. 98 00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:54,382 MARSHALL: Anyway... 99 00:03:54,383 --> 00:03:57,084 Lisa Walker strung me along for months 100 00:03:57,085 --> 00:04:00,354 until one night, I went to go tell her 101 00:04:00,355 --> 00:04:01,656 how much I loved her. 102 00:04:01,657 --> 00:04:02,857 BOTH: Aww. Hmm. Ugh. 103 00:04:02,858 --> 00:04:04,058 In song. 104 00:04:04,059 --> 00:04:05,393 (all groaning) 105 00:04:05,394 --> 00:04:06,661 MARSHALL: She wasn't home yet, 106 00:04:06,662 --> 00:04:08,896 so I waited. 107 00:04:10,332 --> 00:04:12,567 And waited. 108 00:04:13,735 --> 00:04:17,138 I woke up four hours later, covered in snow. 109 00:04:17,139 --> 00:04:19,173 And that's when I saw it. 110 00:04:20,976 --> 00:04:22,643 Lisa's footsteps. 111 00:04:22,644 --> 00:04:25,980 She had walked right over me and into the house. 112 00:04:27,416 --> 00:04:29,016 It was the best thing that could have happened. 113 00:04:29,017 --> 00:04:30,485 It got me off her hook. 114 00:04:30,486 --> 00:04:32,019 Okay, that is definitely not 115 00:04:32,020 --> 00:04:33,488 what's going on with me and Tiffany. 116 00:04:33,489 --> 00:04:34,822 Listen to this. 117 00:04:34,823 --> 00:04:37,925 I'm really into you. 118 00:04:37,926 --> 00:04:41,362 I just can't be with you right now. 119 00:04:42,297 --> 00:04:44,131 Huh?! Huh?! 120 00:04:44,132 --> 00:04:46,834 Ted, "right no" is the classic 121 00:04:46,835 --> 00:04:48,436 on-the-hook catchphrase. MARSHALL: Yup. 122 00:04:48,437 --> 00:04:51,272 "Right now" paints a picture of some sort of magical future time 123 00:04:51,273 --> 00:04:52,373 when everything will work out, 124 00:04:52,374 --> 00:04:55,309 but the truth is, that will never happen. 125 00:04:55,310 --> 00:04:56,210 BARNEY: It's like this. 126 00:04:56,211 --> 00:04:59,080 "I can't be with you." Boom! 127 00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:00,648 "Right now." 128 00:05:00,649 --> 00:05:02,783 (creaking) 129 00:05:03,752 --> 00:05:04,852 LILY: Yeah. 130 00:05:04,853 --> 00:05:06,521 I think my high school boyfriend, Scooter, 131 00:05:06,522 --> 00:05:08,256 is still sort of on the hook for me. 132 00:05:08,257 --> 00:05:10,324 Sort of? He totally is. 133 00:05:10,325 --> 00:05:13,160 The poor guy showed up at our wedding hoping to win you back. 134 00:05:13,161 --> 00:05:14,428 LILY: Yeah. 135 00:05:14,429 --> 00:05:15,563 It's still sometimes weird 136 00:05:15,564 --> 00:05:17,632 when I see him at work. Wait. What? 137 00:05:18,534 --> 00:05:20,568 Scooter works in the school cafeteria. 138 00:05:20,569 --> 00:05:22,036 We've talked about this. 139 00:05:22,037 --> 00:05:23,671 Hey, Lily. Nice dress. 140 00:05:23,672 --> 00:05:25,506 Tater-tots? 141 00:05:25,507 --> 00:05:27,441 (mouthing) 142 00:05:29,344 --> 00:05:31,512 We most certainly have not talked about this! 143 00:05:31,513 --> 00:05:32,680 Yes, we have. 144 00:05:32,681 --> 00:05:34,515 I've mentioned it tons of times. 145 00:05:34,516 --> 00:05:36,384 "Lunch Lady Scooter." 146 00:05:36,385 --> 00:05:38,386 I thought that you were referring 147 00:05:38,387 --> 00:05:41,088 to some sort of long overdue device that carries around 148 00:05:41,089 --> 00:05:43,758 those poor, underappreciated lunch ladies! 149 00:05:43,759 --> 00:05:46,193 This explains a lot. 150 00:05:46,194 --> 00:05:48,763 Lunch Lady Scooter was there again today. 151 00:05:48,764 --> 00:05:51,232 Oh, yeah? Did you jump on that thing? 152 00:05:51,233 --> 00:05:53,501 Give it a ride? No! 153 00:05:53,502 --> 00:05:55,937 Really? If it were me, I'd be riding that scooter 154 00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:58,906 all day long until I broke that thang in half. 155 00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:02,476 So those poor women still have to walk everywhere? 156 00:06:03,312 --> 00:06:05,479 Wait. Scooter is working at your school?! 157 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:08,082 Are you jealous? 158 00:06:08,083 --> 00:06:10,284 No, I just feel bad for Scooter. 159 00:06:10,285 --> 00:06:11,919 'Cause the only reason he took that job 160 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,254 is he thinks he has a shot with you. 161 00:06:13,255 --> 00:06:15,222 You have to make it clear that he doesn't, 162 00:06:15,223 --> 00:06:17,491 so that he can move on and a real lunch lady 163 00:06:17,492 --> 00:06:19,327 can get her job back. Damn! 164 00:06:19,328 --> 00:06:21,195 I've tried. 165 00:06:21,196 --> 00:06:22,697 Hey, Lily. 166 00:06:22,698 --> 00:06:26,133 I saw you had seventh period free. So do I. 167 00:06:26,134 --> 00:06:27,802 You want to run away together? 168 00:06:27,803 --> 00:06:30,504 Let me be clear, Scooter. 169 00:06:30,505 --> 00:06:34,542 There is no way you and I can ever be together. 170 00:06:42,818 --> 00:06:44,218 Right now. 171 00:06:44,219 --> 00:06:45,519 I'll see you tomorrow, Lily. 172 00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,455 It's Tijuana Tuesday. 173 00:06:48,824 --> 00:06:51,459 "Right now"? 174 00:06:51,460 --> 00:06:52,827 You right-now'd Scooter? 175 00:06:52,828 --> 00:06:55,630 You need to let Scooter off the hook once and for all. 176 00:06:55,631 --> 00:06:56,697 LILY: You're right. 177 00:06:56,698 --> 00:06:57,832 Day after tomorrow, 178 00:06:57,833 --> 00:06:59,333 that's exactly what I'm going to do. 179 00:06:59,334 --> 00:07:00,668 Why not tomorrow? 180 00:07:00,669 --> 00:07:03,838 Baby, I can't ruin Tijuana Tuesday. 181 00:07:05,340 --> 00:07:06,807 Really? 182 00:07:06,808 --> 00:07:09,610 You're really going to sit here all night watching the door 183 00:07:09,611 --> 00:07:12,446 because Tiffany said she'll "try to stop by"? 184 00:07:12,447 --> 00:07:14,782 Barney, I'm not going to just give up on her. 185 00:07:14,783 --> 00:07:17,051 NARRATOR: I should have given up on her. 186 00:07:17,052 --> 00:07:19,520 This girl is special. 187 00:07:19,521 --> 00:07:22,023 She was the devil. 188 00:07:22,024 --> 00:07:24,291 Things are going to work out with Tiffany. 189 00:07:24,292 --> 00:07:26,894 No, they're not, dumbass. 190 00:07:26,895 --> 00:07:30,431 Ted, let me be clear: this girl is a poison 191 00:07:30,432 --> 00:07:33,334 and you need to cut her out of your life forever. 192 00:07:34,870 --> 00:07:36,804 Hey, there she is. 193 00:07:39,441 --> 00:07:41,575 Oh, she brought some of her coworkers. 194 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,448 Hang on to this girl, Ted. 195 00:07:47,449 --> 00:07:49,650 Hang on to her and never let go! 196 00:07:56,302 --> 00:07:58,603 these are some of the hottest girls I've ever seen. 197 00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:00,138 And they all work with Tiffany? 198 00:08:00,139 --> 00:08:02,107 Yup. There could only be 199 00:08:02,108 --> 00:08:04,175 one explanation for this. 200 00:08:04,176 --> 00:08:06,211 Ted... 201 00:08:06,212 --> 00:08:07,879 is Tiffany a ph-ph-ph... 202 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,215 pharmaceutical sales rep? 203 00:08:10,216 --> 00:08:11,383 Yeah, how did you know that? 204 00:08:11,384 --> 00:08:12,417 And you never thought 205 00:08:12,418 --> 00:08:14,586 to mention that? 206 00:08:14,587 --> 00:08:16,421 What? It's just a job. 207 00:08:16,422 --> 00:08:17,756 (stammers) 208 00:08:17,757 --> 00:08:20,725 Just a j... just a jah... 209 00:08:21,727 --> 00:08:23,728 Ted, throughout time 210 00:08:23,729 --> 00:08:26,064 there has always been one cutting-edge profession 211 00:08:26,065 --> 00:08:28,967 to which hot girls, like Tiffany, have flocked. 212 00:08:28,968 --> 00:08:30,235 Shall I walk you through the history? 213 00:08:30,236 --> 00:08:31,936 I'm gonna explicitly say no. 214 00:08:31,937 --> 00:08:35,206 It all started 2.5 million years ago. 215 00:08:35,207 --> 00:08:37,308 BARNEY: Man was a hunter. 216 00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:40,211 So, the hottest profession of the day? 217 00:08:40,212 --> 00:08:41,312 Gatherer. 218 00:08:41,313 --> 00:08:43,748 Homo erectus indeed. 219 00:08:46,585 --> 00:08:48,353 As man mastered technology, 220 00:08:48,354 --> 00:08:50,855 the hottest profession of the day evolved. 221 00:08:50,856 --> 00:08:52,424 I'm pretty sure it's a hernia. 222 00:08:52,425 --> 00:08:54,592 Can you check again? 223 00:08:57,530 --> 00:09:00,165 And then, man took to the skies. 224 00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:02,734 And so, hot women put on high heels 225 00:09:02,735 --> 00:09:04,269 and became stewardesses. 226 00:09:05,704 --> 00:09:08,473 I am in the upright and locked position. 227 00:09:11,710 --> 00:09:14,946 And then man said, "Life is hard. 228 00:09:14,947 --> 00:09:17,415 I should start taking lotsf prescription drugs." 229 00:09:17,416 --> 00:09:18,583 And so, hot girls 230 00:09:18,584 --> 00:09:20,318 rolled into doctors' offices, 231 00:09:20,319 --> 00:09:22,787 looking sexy enough to render the very erection pills 232 00:09:22,788 --> 00:09:24,422 they peddled ironically redundant. 233 00:09:24,423 --> 00:09:25,623 So now, 234 00:09:25,624 --> 00:09:27,559 pharma girls are today's 235 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:28,960 hottest profession. 236 00:09:30,062 --> 00:09:32,597 Hey, Big Brown Eyes. How you doing? 237 00:09:32,598 --> 00:09:34,799 I'm good. 238 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,201 Hey, by the way, you, uh, 239 00:09:36,202 --> 00:09:38,203 you ditch that loser boyfriend yet? 240 00:09:38,204 --> 00:09:39,838 No, sir. 241 00:09:42,842 --> 00:09:44,576 Touched my nose. 242 00:09:44,577 --> 00:09:48,113 Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle 243 00:09:48,114 --> 00:09:50,014 in a pharma girl free-for-all. 244 00:09:50,015 --> 00:09:52,684 Side effects may include loss of clothing, rug burn, 245 00:09:52,685 --> 00:09:55,220 shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. 246 00:09:55,221 --> 00:09:57,188 What in the world is up?! 247 00:09:59,125 --> 00:10:01,826 Hey. So... 248 00:10:01,827 --> 00:10:03,461 I know that you've been having trouble 249 00:10:03,462 --> 00:10:05,296 letting Scooter off the hook. 250 00:10:05,297 --> 00:10:07,599 Well, I decided what you need is practice. 251 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,635 Now, you say the problem is his cute, sad eyes? 252 00:10:11,337 --> 00:10:12,737 Well... 253 00:10:16,375 --> 00:10:18,376 Aww! 254 00:10:19,578 --> 00:10:20,645 All right, shut it, woman. 255 00:10:20,646 --> 00:10:23,181 Now, I want you to look at this 256 00:10:23,182 --> 00:10:26,217 teacup pig and tell him that there's no way 257 00:10:26,218 --> 00:10:28,319 that you could ever be with him. 258 00:10:31,190 --> 00:10:35,126 Teacup Pig, there is no way 259 00:10:35,127 --> 00:10:37,428 I can ever be with you. 260 00:10:45,504 --> 00:10:46,671 Right now. 261 00:10:46,672 --> 00:10:48,439 Oh, come on! Grow a pair! 262 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,441 I'm sorry, but he's 263 00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,610 just so freakin' cute. 264 00:10:52,611 --> 00:10:55,013 I just want to cuddle him all day long. 265 00:10:55,014 --> 00:10:57,048 Yes, I do. You know that's funny. 266 00:10:57,049 --> 00:10:59,651 I remember when you used to say things like that about me. 267 00:10:59,652 --> 00:11:01,152 Oh, I still do. 268 00:11:01,153 --> 00:11:03,888 Yeah, not as much, Lily. 269 00:11:03,889 --> 00:11:05,890 Not as much. 270 00:11:07,159 --> 00:11:08,359 (laughs) 271 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,061 ♪ Ain't no party like a pharma girl party ♪ 272 00:11:10,062 --> 00:11:12,030 ♪ 'Cause a pharma girl party don't stop! ♪ 273 00:11:12,031 --> 00:11:14,766 Dude, I have already hooked up with three of them. 274 00:11:14,767 --> 00:11:15,934 Fantasmo. 275 00:11:15,935 --> 00:11:17,869 Plus, my cholesterol is down. 276 00:11:17,870 --> 00:11:19,404 My restless legs syndrome is cured. 277 00:11:19,405 --> 00:11:21,372 I've never felt more alive- oh. 278 00:11:21,373 --> 00:11:24,108 Guys, great news. 279 00:11:24,109 --> 00:11:25,810 Tiffany broke up with her boyfriend. 280 00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:27,245 Proof that I am not on the hook. 281 00:11:27,246 --> 00:11:28,680 Oh, you're still on the hook. (Lily chuckles) 282 00:11:28,681 --> 00:11:32,016 Ah, uh-uh, listen to how we spent last night. 283 00:11:32,017 --> 00:11:34,219 First, we cuddled. 284 00:11:36,088 --> 00:11:40,124 Then, we shared chocolate cake. 285 00:11:40,125 --> 00:11:43,895 Then, well, I don't usually join in on locker room talk, 286 00:11:43,896 --> 00:11:48,233 but I gave her a pretty sensual foot rub. 287 00:11:49,435 --> 00:11:54,339 And let me guess: it didn't go any further than that. 288 00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:55,506 Well, no, but... 289 00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,508 And tell me, did you by any chance 290 00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:59,177 make that chocolate cake? 291 00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:01,346 It was a mix. 292 00:12:01,347 --> 00:12:02,313 Dude. 293 00:12:02,314 --> 00:12:04,616 There's no shame in admitting it, Ted. 294 00:12:04,617 --> 00:12:06,551 We've all been on people's hooks 295 00:12:06,552 --> 00:12:08,953 and we've all kept someone on the hook. 296 00:12:08,954 --> 00:12:10,855 Um, I most certainly have not. 297 00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:11,923 (scoffing): What?! 298 00:12:11,924 --> 00:12:13,157 Are you joking? 299 00:12:13,158 --> 00:12:16,327 What about that girl from the university library? 300 00:12:16,328 --> 00:12:17,929 Um, Henrietta? 301 00:12:17,930 --> 00:12:20,031 Henrietta and I are just friends. 302 00:12:20,032 --> 00:12:22,233 Oh, she is so on your hook. 303 00:12:22,234 --> 00:12:24,002 Absolutely not. 304 00:12:24,003 --> 00:12:25,703 NARRATOR: She totally was. 305 00:12:25,704 --> 00:12:26,904 I mean... 306 00:12:26,905 --> 00:12:28,673 we cuddled. 307 00:12:28,674 --> 00:12:31,276 (sighs) 308 00:12:31,277 --> 00:12:34,012 We shared chocolate cake. 309 00:12:34,013 --> 00:12:35,546 (chuckles) 310 00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:38,316 She gave me foot rubs- long ones. 311 00:12:38,317 --> 00:12:40,885 I'm not proud, kids. 312 00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:42,654 You like having Henrietta around for the same reason 313 00:12:42,655 --> 00:12:44,756 that Tiffany likes having you around: 314 00:12:44,757 --> 00:12:46,958 it's a nice little ego boost. 315 00:12:46,959 --> 00:12:48,359 No wonder you're such an expert 316 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,194 about keeping people on the hook. 317 00:12:50,195 --> 00:12:52,430 What about that poor camera guy you work with? 318 00:12:52,431 --> 00:12:54,098 Mike and I are just friends. 319 00:12:54,099 --> 00:12:55,800 Come on. 320 00:12:55,801 --> 00:12:57,535 Mmm... 321 00:12:57,536 --> 00:13:00,338 Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. 322 00:13:00,339 --> 00:13:01,706 Robin, have you ever thought 323 00:13:01,707 --> 00:13:03,941 about taking us to the next level? 324 00:13:03,942 --> 00:13:05,610 Well, if you're talking about doing my laundry, 325 00:13:05,611 --> 00:13:06,711 I'm on board. 326 00:13:06,712 --> 00:13:08,179 You got yourself a deal. 327 00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:09,847 Hmm. 328 00:13:09,848 --> 00:13:10,848 What?! 329 00:13:10,849 --> 00:13:12,917 I- I am not keeping Mike on the hook. 330 00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:14,752 You are Captain Hook. 331 00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:16,287 Dude, I'm a girl. 332 00:13:16,288 --> 00:13:18,790 Okayour girl parts are like a spiderweb. 333 00:13:18,791 --> 00:13:20,858 Sometimes you're gonna catch stuff you don't want. 334 00:13:20,859 --> 00:13:22,393 That doesn't 335 00:13:22,394 --> 00:13:23,494 make it okay. 336 00:13:23,495 --> 00:13:25,730 Oh, a-and Henrietta is in, in no way 337 00:13:25,731 --> 00:13:27,165 wasting her time with you, right? 338 00:13:27,166 --> 00:13:29,133 Henrietta knows that we're just friends. 339 00:13:29,134 --> 00:13:30,835 In fact, I'm gonna call her up 340 00:13:30,836 --> 00:13:34,038 and hang out with her tonight as friends. 341 00:13:34,039 --> 00:13:35,540 Hey, Ted. Hey. 342 00:13:35,541 --> 00:13:36,774 I love you. 343 00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,376 What? Uh, do you want a foot massage? 344 00:13:38,377 --> 00:13:40,545 'Cause I've been practicing on myself. 345 00:13:40,546 --> 00:13:42,580 No, I'm good. 346 00:13:42,581 --> 00:13:44,048 I didn't know if you were hungry, 347 00:13:44,049 --> 00:13:46,417 so I just threw together some... it's not a big deal. 348 00:13:46,418 --> 00:13:49,087 Kids, looking back, I don't know how I didn't see 349 00:13:49,088 --> 00:13:51,222 that Henrietta was madly in love with me. 350 00:13:51,223 --> 00:13:52,290 (phone rings) 351 00:13:52,291 --> 00:13:54,926 Oh. 352 00:13:54,927 --> 00:13:56,961 Hello. Hey, Ted. 353 00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:57,962 Hey, Tiffany. 354 00:13:57,963 --> 00:13:58,930 I'm going out of town 355 00:13:58,931 --> 00:13:59,964 this weekend for my friend's wedding. 356 00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:02,400 Want to be my date? 357 00:14:02,401 --> 00:14:03,668 I would love to. 358 00:14:03,669 --> 00:14:05,136 Hey, what are you doing right now? 359 00:14:05,137 --> 00:14:06,904 Oh, God, no. 360 00:14:06,905 --> 00:14:09,307 Awesome. Okay, I'll see you in, like, ten minutes? 361 00:14:09,308 --> 00:14:10,608 Great. 362 00:14:10,609 --> 00:14:12,310 Soy, Henrietta, 363 00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:13,344 something came up. 364 00:14:13,345 --> 00:14:15,279 Take a rain check, pal? 365 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:16,748 Yeah, it's no problem. 366 00:14:16,749 --> 00:14:18,616 All right, yeah, hey-ho. Oh, you're strong. 367 00:14:18,617 --> 00:14:21,419 What a jerk. 368 00:14:22,221 --> 00:14:24,088 Henrietta, I... 369 00:14:24,089 --> 00:14:25,890 Wait. Where did Ted go? 370 00:14:25,891 --> 00:14:27,592 I thought we were finally going to get to meet him. 371 00:14:27,593 --> 00:14:28,793 Yeah, something came up, okay, Mom? 372 00:14:28,794 --> 00:14:32,397 I told you there was no Ted. 373 00:14:32,398 --> 00:14:34,899 I heard that. 374 00:14:39,073 --> 00:14:41,074 So there I was, at one of the surest signs 375 00:14:41,075 --> 00:14:43,477 of taking a relationship to the next level: 376 00:14:43,478 --> 00:14:45,278 an out-of-town wedding. 377 00:14:45,279 --> 00:14:46,713 It was finally happening. 378 00:14:46,714 --> 00:14:47,981 Champagne? 379 00:14:47,982 --> 00:14:50,917 Ted, oh, my gosh, I forgot to call you. 380 00:14:50,918 --> 00:14:52,352 Well, whatever it is you wanted to talk about, 381 00:14:52,353 --> 00:14:53,687 we can talk about it now. 382 00:14:55,757 --> 00:14:56,790 This is Jack. 383 00:14:56,791 --> 00:14:58,492 He's the best man at the wedding. 384 00:14:58,493 --> 00:15:00,661 We just got back together. 385 00:15:00,662 --> 00:15:01,962 You know, now that I think about it, 386 00:15:01,963 --> 00:15:03,730 a phone call would have been nice. 387 00:15:03,731 --> 00:15:06,667 You're Ted? Ouch. 388 00:15:06,668 --> 00:15:09,536 But I hear you make a mean chocolate cake. 389 00:15:12,340 --> 00:15:14,041 Oh, isn't he great? 390 00:15:14,042 --> 00:15:16,376 And he's in a band. (squeals) 391 00:15:16,377 --> 00:15:19,046 Thanks. 392 00:15:19,047 --> 00:15:21,348 Come on, Lily. You have to get Scooter off the hook. 393 00:15:21,349 --> 00:15:22,516 Now, try again. 394 00:15:22,517 --> 00:15:25,886 Teacup Pig, oh... 395 00:15:26,888 --> 00:15:28,622 I don't want to be with you. 396 00:15:35,530 --> 00:15:36,997 Right now. 397 00:15:36,998 --> 00:15:39,399 Man up! 398 00:15:40,234 --> 00:15:43,804 Teacup Pig... 399 00:15:43,805 --> 00:15:45,772 I don't want to be with you. 400 00:15:50,478 --> 00:15:51,978 Ever. 401 00:15:51,979 --> 00:15:53,380 Finish him! 402 00:15:53,381 --> 00:15:55,415 We will never be together 403 00:15:55,416 --> 00:15:58,385 in any sort of sexual way ever again. 404 00:15:58,386 --> 00:15:59,553 Nice. 405 00:15:59,554 --> 00:16:02,022 Sort of a weird thing to say to a pig. 406 00:16:02,023 --> 00:16:03,190 It felt really wrong. 407 00:16:04,992 --> 00:16:07,360 Anyway, I just don't think you and I are going to work. 408 00:16:07,962 --> 00:16:09,930 (whispers): Right now. 409 00:16:09,931 --> 00:16:12,132 NARRATOR: And that's when it hit me. 410 00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:13,433 I was on the hook. 411 00:16:13,434 --> 00:16:14,935 I also realized... 412 00:16:14,936 --> 00:16:17,204 I missed this so much, baby. 413 00:16:17,205 --> 00:16:19,206 ...Tiffany was on this guy's hook. 414 00:16:19,207 --> 00:16:20,640 It was a vicious cycle. 415 00:16:20,641 --> 00:16:22,209 Henrietta was on my hook. 416 00:16:22,210 --> 00:16:24,444 And years later, I found out this poor bastard 417 00:16:24,445 --> 00:16:26,012 was on Henrietta's hook. 418 00:16:28,916 --> 00:16:30,617 You know what? 419 00:16:30,618 --> 00:16:33,220 We're not going to work ever. 420 00:16:34,222 --> 00:16:35,989 I'm done. 421 00:16:38,793 --> 00:16:40,627 And it's really better for the circulation 422 00:16:40,628 --> 00:16:42,696 if you knead the arches with your thumbs. 423 00:16:42,697 --> 00:16:44,197 Now, I'm done. 424 00:16:46,901 --> 00:16:49,703 Marshall, I can do this by myself. 425 00:16:49,704 --> 00:16:51,304 Okay, well, then prove it. 426 00:16:52,273 --> 00:16:54,274 And, um... 427 00:16:54,275 --> 00:16:56,309 Grab me a pudding. 428 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:00,881 Listen up, Scooter. 429 00:17:00,882 --> 00:17:04,050 There is no way you and I will ever be together. 430 00:17:11,692 --> 00:17:13,160 Right now! Marshall! 431 00:17:13,161 --> 00:17:16,563 I'm sorry, but he's adorable. Listen. 432 00:17:16,564 --> 00:17:17,898 I don't want to be with you. 433 00:17:17,899 --> 00:17:19,733 Right now. Hang in there, Scoots! 434 00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,468 I'm not going to live forever. 435 00:17:22,537 --> 00:17:24,938 Last night I was with this pharma girl who was 436 00:17:24,939 --> 00:17:26,439 so hot, you should call a doctor 437 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:29,242 if you don't have an erection for more than four hours. 438 00:17:29,243 --> 00:17:31,511 Am I right, people? 439 00:17:31,512 --> 00:17:32,546 Yeah, there's no people- 440 00:17:32,547 --> 00:17:34,848 just the girl you most recently dated. 441 00:17:34,849 --> 00:17:36,116 (clicks tongue) 442 00:17:36,117 --> 00:17:37,584 Hey, Barney. 443 00:17:37,585 --> 00:17:39,920 I want you to meet the newest pharma girl. 444 00:17:39,921 --> 00:17:40,987 Oh. 445 00:17:40,988 --> 00:17:41,988 Gladys Reynolds. 446 00:17:41,989 --> 00:17:43,423 Nice to make your acquaintance. 447 00:17:43,424 --> 00:17:47,194 I represent statins and other cholesterol-lowering drugs. 448 00:17:47,195 --> 00:17:49,296 Come on, girl. Let's go get our drink on. 449 00:17:51,132 --> 00:17:53,433 It's over. 450 00:17:53,434 --> 00:17:54,634 What's over? 451 00:17:54,635 --> 00:17:58,905 Pharma girls are no longer exclusively hot chicks. 452 00:17:58,906 --> 00:18:01,341 It's the en. You're being 453 00:18:01,342 --> 00:18:02,375 a little dramatic. 454 00:18:02,376 --> 00:18:03,743 Am I? 455 00:18:03,744 --> 00:18:05,478 It starts out with a Gladys. 456 00:18:05,479 --> 00:18:07,747 Next thing you know, a few not-so-fabulous 457 00:18:07,748 --> 00:18:09,316 gay guys enter the ranks. 458 00:18:09,317 --> 00:18:10,684 And before you know it, 459 00:18:10,685 --> 00:18:12,986 pharma girls look like the crew 460 00:18:12,987 --> 00:18:16,089 on a Southwest flight from Albuquerque to Little Rock. 461 00:18:17,225 --> 00:18:19,860 It's over! 462 00:18:19,861 --> 00:18:22,929 So that night, I went straight to Henrietta's- 463 00:18:22,930 --> 00:18:24,931 all set to let her off the hook. 464 00:18:33,808 --> 00:18:34,975 This is Jack. 465 00:18:34,976 --> 00:18:36,710 He's the best man at the wedding. 466 00:18:40,681 --> 00:18:42,883 I'm done. 467 00:18:46,254 --> 00:18:48,321 Yes! 468 00:18:48,322 --> 00:18:50,523 The answer is yes! 469 00:18:51,759 --> 00:18:53,293 No. 470 00:18:53,294 --> 00:18:55,829 Oh, it gets worse. 471 00:18:55,830 --> 00:18:57,364 It's perfect! 472 00:18:57,365 --> 00:19:00,333 Mom, Dad! Ted proposed! 473 00:19:00,334 --> 00:19:02,836 Oh, my God! I knew this day would come! 474 00:19:02,837 --> 00:19:03,870 (stammering) 475 00:19:03,871 --> 00:19:06,072 Son! Yeah, well, there's been a... 476 00:19:06,073 --> 00:19:08,975 No. What did you do? 477 00:19:08,976 --> 00:19:12,846 I seriously considered just marrying her 478 00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:14,347 out of sheer awkwardness. 479 00:19:15,016 --> 00:19:16,583 But I did what I had to do. 480 00:19:16,584 --> 00:19:20,220 I did what anyone keeping someone on the hook should do. 481 00:19:20,221 --> 00:19:21,855 I broke her heart. 482 00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:24,257 Henrietta, I'm sorry if this is blunt, 483 00:19:24,258 --> 00:19:26,026 but I think I owe you this. 484 00:19:27,295 --> 00:19:30,030 I don't want to be with you. 485 00:19:30,031 --> 00:19:32,532 Right now? 486 00:19:32,533 --> 00:19:34,401 Ever. 487 00:19:36,070 --> 00:19:38,838 But we're still getting married, right? 488 00:19:38,839 --> 00:19:42,475 It was brutal. 489 00:19:42,476 --> 00:19:43,877 Oh, I'm sorry, buddy. 490 00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:45,845 Honesty is tough, but in the end, 491 00:19:45,846 --> 00:19:48,214 it is the far kinder alternative. 492 00:19:48,215 --> 00:19:50,050 Yeah. 493 00:19:50,051 --> 00:19:52,118 Hey, sweetie. 494 00:19:53,921 --> 00:19:55,155 Hey, Mike. 495 00:19:55,156 --> 00:19:57,424 I have to tell you something. 496 00:19:58,225 --> 00:20:00,226 Wait. Did you finish my delicates? 497 00:20:00,227 --> 00:20:02,562 Got one more load. Ah, it can wait. 498 00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:07,734 I... 499 00:20:13,454 --> 00:20:15,088 Hey. Hey, how's it going? 500 00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:17,490 Still in mourning over the end of the pharma girl era? 501 00:20:17,491 --> 00:20:20,059 No. I realized that their reign 502 00:20:20,060 --> 00:20:22,929 had to end to make room for some new hot girl profession. 503 00:20:24,064 --> 00:20:27,667 Maybe it'll be intergalactic communications officer 504 00:20:27,668 --> 00:20:30,003 on a rocket ship to some distant solar system 505 00:20:30,004 --> 00:20:31,804 we can't possibly imagine. 506 00:20:31,805 --> 00:20:34,407 Maybe it'll be... meter maids. 507 00:20:34,408 --> 00:20:35,742 We just don't know. 508 00:20:36,744 --> 00:20:38,978 But one thing is sure. 509 00:20:38,979 --> 00:20:43,816 The future glows like a giant sun 510 00:20:43,817 --> 00:20:48,488 shooting amber rays of light into our hearts and minds. 511 00:20:49,657 --> 00:20:52,525 Wow, uh, what changed your mind? 512 00:20:52,526 --> 00:20:55,561 The realization that hope springs eternal, Robin. 513 00:20:56,563 --> 00:20:58,731 That and this little bottle of purple pills 514 00:20:58,732 --> 00:21:00,700 I found in my couch cushion. 515 00:21:00,701 --> 00:21:03,703 Don't know what they are, but they are amazing! 516 00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:07,940 www.addic7ed.com