1
00:00:01,713 --> 00:00:03,958
Aways of dealing with nerves.
2
00:00:04,033 --> 00:00:06,801
It'll just be a few more
minutes, Mr. Stinson.
3
00:00:06,869 --> 00:00:08,803
Some people chew their nails.
4
00:00:08,871 --> 00:00:10,355
Some people tap their feet.
5
00:00:10,463 --> 00:00:12,607
And some people imagine
they're being interviewed
6
00:00:12,675 --> 00:00:14,976
by renowned sportscaster
Jim Nantz.
7
00:00:15,043 --> 00:00:16,238
Hello, friends.
8
00:00:16,239 --> 00:00:19,778
Every sport has had an icon
who transcends the game.
9
00:00:19,779 --> 00:00:22,181
Boxing had Ali,
basketball had Jordan,
10
00:00:22,182 --> 00:00:25,212
and the sport of sleeping
with random hotties
11
00:00:25,213 --> 00:00:27,878
has my next guest,
Mr. Barney Stinson.
12
00:00:27,879 --> 00:00:29,344
Barney, welcome.
Thanks, Jim.
13
00:00:29,345 --> 00:00:30,778
Great to be back
on the show.
14
00:00:30,779 --> 00:00:31,910
Good to have
you with us.
15
00:00:31,911 --> 00:00:33,042
And, you know,
the stats,
16
00:00:33,043 --> 00:00:34,509
they really speak
for themselves.
17
00:00:34,510 --> 00:00:37,047
Over 200 women spanning
six continents,
18
00:00:37,048 --> 00:00:38,452
17 nationalities,
19
00:00:38,453 --> 00:00:42,054
74 sexual positions
and not a single fatty.
20
00:00:42,055 --> 00:00:43,255
It's impressive.
21
00:00:43,256 --> 00:00:45,794
Hey, uh, with all
these accomplishments, though,
22
00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:48,330
there's one laurel
that's always eluded you.
23
00:00:48,331 --> 00:00:49,900
Which brings us to last week.
24
00:00:49,901 --> 00:00:51,301
What was the story there?
25
00:00:51,302 --> 00:00:52,402
Buckle up, Jimbo,
26
00:00:52,403 --> 00:00:54,439
this one's a doozy.
27
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,008
It all started when I decided
28
00:00:56,009 --> 00:00:57,877
to set myself
a little challenge.
29
00:00:57,878 --> 00:00:59,979
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
30
00:00:59,980 --> 00:01:01,348
He's calling his shot.
31
00:01:01,349 --> 00:01:03,450
Whatever girl I'm
pointing to right now,
32
00:01:03,451 --> 00:01:05,387
that's who I'm going
home with tonight.
33
00:01:05,388 --> 00:01:06,788
And...
34
00:01:08,758 --> 00:01:11,093
Play ball!
35
00:01:11,996 --> 00:01:14,564
Hey.
Hey.
36
00:01:14,565 --> 00:01:16,600
How'd the date
with Dale go?
37
00:01:16,601 --> 00:01:19,737
You know, sometimes, that guy
with the horn-rimmed glasses
38
00:01:19,738 --> 00:01:21,739
and the Smurfs T-shirt
is just being ironic.
39
00:01:21,740 --> 00:01:23,273
Sometimes,
40
00:01:23,274 --> 00:01:25,409
he is a dork
with a lazy eye
41
00:01:25,410 --> 00:01:27,679
and a love-hate relationship
with Gargamel.
42
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,647
Robin, just because
a guy talks a lot
43
00:01:29,648 --> 00:01:31,648
about a fictional character
on a first date
44
00:01:31,649 --> 00:01:33,551
doesn't mean he's not
husband material.
45
00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:35,685
Sasquatch isn't fictional.
46
00:01:35,686 --> 00:01:37,320
That was quick.
47
00:01:40,523 --> 00:01:43,191
So, night one was
pretty routine.
48
00:01:43,192 --> 00:01:46,627
Jim, there is nothing routine
about the way I get down.
49
00:01:46,628 --> 00:01:48,028
Respect.
50
00:01:48,029 --> 00:01:49,796
Take us to night two.
51
00:01:49,797 --> 00:01:52,497
See that hottie over there
nursing a Black Russian?
52
00:01:52,498 --> 00:01:54,466
She's about to chase that
with a white American.
53
00:01:54,467 --> 00:01:55,900
Up top!
54
00:01:57,437 --> 00:01:58,771
You know...
55
00:01:58,772 --> 00:02:01,073
if you're not careful,
you're going to lose me.
56
00:02:03,176 --> 00:02:04,477
You guys,
what should I say
57
00:02:04,478 --> 00:02:06,112
when Dale calls
for a second date?
58
00:02:06,113 --> 00:02:07,246
How do you know
he's going to call?
59
00:02:07,247 --> 00:02:09,649
(laughs)
60
00:02:09,650 --> 00:02:11,351
You're cute, Marshall.
61
00:02:11,352 --> 00:02:15,355
But I think Mama knows
when a dude's digging the show.
62
00:02:15,356 --> 00:02:18,292
I mean, he couldn't keep
his good eye off me.
63
00:02:18,293 --> 00:02:19,360
TED:
Well, let him down easy.
64
00:02:19,361 --> 00:02:20,862
People are fragile.
65
00:02:20,863 --> 00:02:23,331
And sometimes, without
even meaning to,
66
00:02:23,332 --> 00:02:26,334
you might rip someone's
beating heart out
67
00:02:26,335 --> 00:02:28,970
and stomp on it in a
room full of 26 people
68
00:02:28,971 --> 00:02:31,139
and a teacher's assistant.
69
00:02:31,140 --> 00:02:33,309
How did school go today, Ted?
70
00:02:33,310 --> 00:02:34,877
Something bad happened.
71
00:02:34,878 --> 00:02:37,446
It was the first class
of the new semester...
72
00:02:37,447 --> 00:02:39,214
Jamie Adamic.
73
00:02:39,550 --> 00:02:40,983
Hi.
74
00:02:40,984 --> 00:02:42,485
Brian Glow-atz.
75
00:02:42,486 --> 00:02:44,087
Glau-atz?
76
00:02:44,088 --> 00:02:45,988
Hi.
77
00:02:47,424 --> 00:02:49,326
Well done.
78
00:02:49,327 --> 00:02:51,327
Adding a fake name
to the sign-up sheet.
79
00:02:51,328 --> 00:02:53,296
That's, uh... that's
real original, guys.
80
00:02:53,297 --> 00:02:54,865
You know, I'd expect
81
00:02:54,866 --> 00:02:58,001
inspired minds such as yours
to be a little more mature,
82
00:02:58,002 --> 00:02:59,769
and frankly, more creative.
83
00:02:59,770 --> 00:03:00,970
I mean, seriously.
84
00:03:00,971 --> 00:03:03,973
What kind of a fake name
is Cook Pu?
85
00:03:03,974 --> 00:03:05,975
Here. (laughs) Come on, guys.
86
00:03:05,976 --> 00:03:07,876
It's got to at least sound real.
87
00:03:07,877 --> 00:03:09,845
Cook Pu?
88
00:03:09,846 --> 00:03:11,413
Here.
89
00:03:11,414 --> 00:03:12,747
Whatever happened
to the classics?
90
00:03:12,748 --> 00:03:13,715
Right, you know?
91
00:03:13,716 --> 00:03:14,983
Seymour Butts.
92
00:03:14,984 --> 00:03:15,984
Hugh Gerection.
93
00:03:15,985 --> 00:03:18,687
Those were fake names,
but Cook Pu?
94
00:03:18,688 --> 00:03:20,189
(crying):
Here.
95
00:03:20,190 --> 00:03:21,857
Cook Pu!
96
00:03:21,858 --> 00:03:24,293
She's back here, bro.
97
00:03:26,696 --> 00:03:27,863
(laughing)
98
00:03:27,864 --> 00:03:29,565
All right, come on,
let me have it.
99
00:03:29,566 --> 00:03:31,233
Bring on all the
Cook Pu jokes.
100
00:03:31,234 --> 00:03:33,335
Oh, we're not going
to make jokes, Ted.
101
00:03:33,336 --> 00:03:36,171
I mean, that girl must be
really down in the dumps.
102
00:03:36,172 --> 00:03:37,472
MARSHALL:
You really...
103
00:03:37,473 --> 00:03:39,107
smeared the Pu name.
104
00:03:39,108 --> 00:03:40,742
You guys finished?
105
00:03:40,743 --> 00:03:44,012
Are you asking us if all the Pu
is out of our system?
106
00:03:44,013 --> 00:03:45,780
(laughing)
107
00:03:45,781 --> 00:03:47,648
LILY:
Wow, back-to-back nights.
108
00:03:47,649 --> 00:03:50,351
Barney is on fire.
109
00:03:50,352 --> 00:03:51,452
That girl's lucky.
110
00:03:51,453 --> 00:03:53,654
Barney was the best sex
I ever had.
111
00:03:53,655 --> 00:03:55,789
He's the best friend
I've ever had.
112
00:03:55,790 --> 00:03:57,458
He's everything I
want Marshall to be.
113
00:03:57,459 --> 00:03:59,227
He's everything
I wish I could be.
114
00:03:59,228 --> 00:04:02,163
I'm just assuming that's what
they say when I'm not around.
115
00:04:02,164 --> 00:04:04,131
I buy it. You're awesome.
116
00:04:04,132 --> 00:04:05,733
Now, night three.
117
00:04:05,734 --> 00:04:07,301
Paint us a word picture.
118
00:04:07,302 --> 00:04:09,504
Jim, I could tell
I was on a roll,
119
00:04:09,505 --> 00:04:12,374
so I decided to mix things up
a little bit.
120
00:04:12,375 --> 00:04:16,312
I think I'm going to go
small boobs tonight.
121
00:04:16,313 --> 00:04:17,847
You're disgusting.
122
00:04:17,848 --> 00:04:20,416
Lily, they're people, too.
123
00:04:22,052 --> 00:04:23,753
Here's your burgers.
Oh, thank you.
124
00:04:23,754 --> 00:04:25,321
Thanks. TED: What,
you're not sharing?
125
00:04:25,322 --> 00:04:27,357
You two always share a burger.
126
00:04:27,358 --> 00:04:28,525
No, we don't.
127
00:04:28,526 --> 00:04:30,260
We're not like weirdos
who share everything.
128
00:04:30,261 --> 00:04:31,896
Uh, yeah, you are.
That's exactly what you are.
129
00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:33,598
We're perfectly normal!
130
00:04:33,599 --> 00:04:35,099
Guys, what's going on?
131
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,567
You know how Lily and I
132
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:38,269
have been looking
for new couple friends
133
00:04:38,270 --> 00:04:40,204
ever since we lost
Robin and Barney,
134
00:04:40,205 --> 00:04:41,606
and Ted and Stella,
135
00:04:41,607 --> 00:04:43,875
and Ted and Robin,
and Ted and Victoria?
136
00:04:43,876 --> 00:04:46,210
Geez, Ted, when are you going
to get your life together?
137
00:04:46,211 --> 00:04:47,645
How did we end up here?
138
00:04:47,646 --> 00:04:50,314
We went on a great
double date last night.
139
00:04:50,315 --> 00:04:51,682
It... we were cool.
140
00:04:51,683 --> 00:04:52,750
We were casual.
141
00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,085
We didn't spaz out.
142
00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:56,854
And then, one tiny
little detail came out
143
00:04:56,855 --> 00:04:58,956
and the whole night
was ruined. Ruined!
144
00:04:58,957 --> 00:05:00,357
(laughter)
And Joanna's toothbrush
145
00:05:00,358 --> 00:05:02,158
flips off the side
of the sink,
146
00:05:02,159 --> 00:05:04,794
hits the ceiling and falls
right into the toilet.
147
00:05:04,795 --> 00:05:06,796
Come on.
That's... That's crazy.
148
00:05:06,797 --> 00:05:09,798
Last week, the same thing
happened to our toothbrush.
149
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:16,037
Our toothbrush?
150
00:05:16,038 --> 00:05:17,571
Yeah.
151
00:05:17,572 --> 00:05:19,207
Like, one toothbrush?
152
00:05:19,208 --> 00:05:21,709
That you both use?
153
00:05:21,710 --> 00:05:23,444
Every day?
154
00:05:23,445 --> 00:05:24,980
Is that weird?
155
00:05:24,981 --> 00:05:28,049
ALL:
Super weird.
156
00:05:28,050 --> 00:05:29,717
Marshall, four
out of five dentists
157
00:05:29,718 --> 00:05:31,953
just threw up
in their mouths.
158
00:05:31,954 --> 00:05:33,889
Hey, check it out.
159
00:05:33,890 --> 00:05:35,124
Barney's leaving
with another girl.
160
00:05:35,125 --> 00:05:36,358
LILY:
Wow.
161
00:05:36,359 --> 00:05:38,027
Three girls in
three nights.
162
00:05:38,028 --> 00:05:39,929
That's gross,
even for Barney.
163
00:05:39,930 --> 00:05:40,997
Gross? Are you kidding?
164
00:05:40,998 --> 00:05:42,465
He's on his way
to a perfect...
165
00:05:42,466 --> 00:05:45,135
(stammering):
Don't say it!
166
00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:46,203
You'll jinx it.
167
00:05:46,204 --> 00:05:47,438
Jinx what?
168
00:05:47,439 --> 00:05:49,440
I was on my way toward...
169
00:05:49,441 --> 00:05:52,811
a perfect week.
170
00:06:05,625 --> 00:06:07,694
The perfect week.
171
00:06:07,695 --> 00:06:11,097
Seven nights, seven girls,
zero rejections.
172
00:06:11,098 --> 00:06:12,331
Incredible.
173
00:06:12,332 --> 00:06:14,800
I mean, it's really
like the sexual equivalent
174
00:06:14,801 --> 00:06:17,068
of baseball's perfect game,
but even rarer.
175
00:06:17,069 --> 00:06:19,170
Yeah.
Uh, the only player in history
176
00:06:19,171 --> 00:06:21,039
to have ever achieved both
177
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:24,041
was Mustache Pete Drexell
back in 1896.
178
00:06:24,042 --> 00:06:27,744
(crowd cheering,
lively organ music playing)
179
00:06:27,745 --> 00:06:29,046
Now, this wasn't
the first time
180
00:06:29,047 --> 00:06:30,881
you'd come close
to a perfect week.
181
00:06:30,882 --> 00:06:33,115
You learned the hard way,
though-
182
00:06:33,116 --> 00:06:35,518
one mistake, and it's all over.
183
00:06:35,519 --> 00:06:37,920
Sometimes,
a teammate makes an error.
184
00:06:40,090 --> 00:06:42,626
Sometimes, one wild pitch...
185
00:06:42,627 --> 00:06:46,396
You, me, the canned food aisle
in the bodega next door.
186
00:06:46,397 --> 00:06:48,464
...leads to a walk.
187
00:06:48,465 --> 00:06:52,301
And sometimes,
you just lose focus.
188
00:06:52,302 --> 00:06:56,338
And that almost always leads
to a hit.
189
00:06:56,339 --> 00:06:59,008
But this week,
you were three for three
190
00:06:59,009 --> 00:07:01,143
with no sign of slowing down.
191
00:07:01,144 --> 00:07:02,945
I could do no wrong.
192
00:07:02,946 --> 00:07:05,748
Wish I could say the same
for my friends.
193
00:07:05,749 --> 00:07:08,718
Cook didn't show up
for class today.
194
00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:10,052
I'm sorry.
195
00:07:10,053 --> 00:07:11,787
Cook?
196
00:07:11,788 --> 00:07:15,557
Yeah, Ted, we know, like,
a ton of people named Cook.
197
00:07:15,558 --> 00:07:16,859
Yeah.
198
00:07:17,727 --> 00:07:19,728
Cook Pu.
199
00:07:19,729 --> 00:07:21,697
(laughter, phone ringing)
200
00:07:21,698 --> 00:07:23,532
Uh-oh, here we go.
201
00:07:23,533 --> 00:07:25,167
The dreaded Dale call.
202
00:07:25,168 --> 00:07:27,503
Oh. It's my mom.
203
00:07:27,504 --> 00:07:30,774
She's going through some pretty
major league health stuff.
204
00:07:30,775 --> 00:07:32,609
God, why won't
that guy call?
205
00:07:32,610 --> 00:07:34,010
LILY:
Wait a minute.
206
00:07:34,011 --> 00:07:36,180
You want him to call?
207
00:07:36,181 --> 00:07:37,681
No! Shut up.
208
00:07:37,682 --> 00:07:39,183
Don't you guys
have, like, a...
209
00:07:39,184 --> 00:07:41,418
like, a toothbrush
to share or something?
210
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:44,021
TED: Yeah. When did you guys
even start doing that anyway?
211
00:07:44,022 --> 00:07:45,056
Like, years ago.
212
00:07:45,057 --> 00:07:46,925
You should know.
We lived with you.
213
00:07:46,926 --> 00:07:48,059
Uh, yeah,
but you always
214
00:07:48,060 --> 00:07:49,327
kept your toothbrush
in the bedroom.
215
00:07:49,328 --> 00:07:51,664
Also weird, by
the way. LILY: No.
216
00:07:51,665 --> 00:07:53,132
We kept it
in the bathroom.
217
00:07:53,133 --> 00:07:55,201
No, there was only one
toothbrush in the bathroom,
218
00:07:55,202 --> 00:07:57,336
and it was mine.
219
00:07:59,439 --> 00:08:01,373
Wait.
220
00:08:01,374 --> 00:08:05,344
Are you saying that,
for eight years,
221
00:08:05,345 --> 00:08:08,613
all three of you
shared one toothbrush?
222
00:08:08,614 --> 00:08:09,782
Oh, my God. TED: Kill me.
223
00:08:09,783 --> 00:08:12,918
Kill me!
I love this so much.
224
00:08:17,323 --> 00:08:18,723
So, you're through four nights.
225
00:08:18,724 --> 00:08:20,025
You're over the hump.
226
00:08:20,026 --> 00:08:20,959
Nice, Jim.
227
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,094
Hey, I try.
I'm no you.
228
00:08:23,095 --> 00:08:24,361
(both chuckling)
229
00:08:24,362 --> 00:08:28,565
But then came night five,
and with it, trouble.
230
00:08:30,134 --> 00:08:31,634
Beer here.
231
00:08:35,038 --> 00:08:36,572
Hey.
232
00:08:37,507 --> 00:08:38,674
Hey.
233
00:08:38,675 --> 00:08:40,376
How's, uh... how's Barney
doing tonight?
234
00:08:40,377 --> 00:08:41,510
Cool as a cucumber.
235
00:08:41,511 --> 00:08:43,111
Just like he's been all week.
236
00:08:43,112 --> 00:08:44,212
Yeah? That's hard to believe.
237
00:08:44,213 --> 00:08:45,447
Why?
238
00:08:45,448 --> 00:08:47,617
Apparently, this big merger
fell through last week
239
00:08:47,618 --> 00:08:48,951
and Barney's being blamed for it.
240
00:08:48,952 --> 00:08:50,219
Oh, that's weird.
241
00:08:50,220 --> 00:08:51,654
He hasn't said anything.
242
00:08:51,655 --> 00:08:52,922
Look, I work with the guy.
243
00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:54,456
I didn't find out
until this afternoon,
244
00:08:54,457 --> 00:08:56,192
when I walked
by his boss's office.
245
00:08:56,193 --> 00:08:57,860
...you cost this company,
Stinson?!
246
00:08:57,861 --> 00:09:00,630
I'd never seen Barney
look that scared.
247
00:09:00,631 --> 00:09:03,466
I... I think he's
going to get fired.
248
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,668
I can't believe Barney
might get fired.
249
00:09:12,669 --> 00:09:14,236
Yeah, they're having
a meeting on Friday
250
00:09:14,237 --> 00:09:16,572
to determine whether or not
he keeps his job.
251
00:09:16,573 --> 00:09:18,674
Poor guy.
He must be freaking out.
252
00:09:18,675 --> 00:09:20,711
Yeah, I'm going to go talk
to him. (stammering): No!
253
00:09:20,712 --> 00:09:22,012
You can't distract a man
254
00:09:22,013 --> 00:09:24,114
in the middle of a...
you-know-what.
255
00:09:24,115 --> 00:09:25,715
Oh, come on,
this is his career.
256
00:09:25,716 --> 00:09:28,551
This is much more important
than some stupid perfect...
257
00:09:28,552 --> 00:09:29,652
Ah!
258
00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:31,387
O- Okay.
259
00:09:31,388 --> 00:09:33,656
You can lick my hand
as long as you want.
260
00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:36,493
I'm not going to let you
ruin his... Ow!
261
00:09:36,494 --> 00:09:38,494
Guys, we need to talk to him.
262
00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:39,730
I'll go.
263
00:09:39,731 --> 00:09:41,531
He needs a bro.
264
00:09:43,334 --> 00:09:44,835
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
265
00:09:44,836 --> 00:09:45,969
Everything all right?
266
00:09:45,970 --> 00:09:47,471
Absolutely. Sure.
267
00:09:47,472 --> 00:09:48,872
Top of the world.
268
00:09:48,873 --> 00:09:50,040
(sighs)
269
00:09:50,041 --> 00:09:51,508
Who am I kidding?
270
00:09:51,509 --> 00:09:52,909
I need your help.
271
00:09:52,910 --> 00:09:53,944
Anything, buddy.
272
00:09:53,945 --> 00:09:55,212
What is it?
273
00:09:55,213 --> 00:09:56,947
(sighs)
274
00:09:56,948 --> 00:10:00,316
Which one of these girls
looks the dumbest?
275
00:10:01,618 --> 00:10:02,918
All right, kid.
276
00:10:02,919 --> 00:10:05,287
Let's check the scouting report.
277
00:10:06,889 --> 00:10:09,057
What about the heater?
278
00:10:14,630 --> 00:10:16,764
High and outside?
279
00:10:20,768 --> 00:10:22,068
All right.
280
00:10:22,069 --> 00:10:24,504
I'd go with the slider.
281
00:10:27,075 --> 00:10:28,475
Thanks, Skip.
282
00:10:28,476 --> 00:10:30,211
Yep.
283
00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:34,016
So, what did he say?
284
00:10:34,017 --> 00:10:35,617
Hmm? Oh!
Yeah, he's going
285
00:10:35,618 --> 00:10:37,787
to take a swat at the
Hamburglar over there.
286
00:10:37,788 --> 00:10:39,489
You were supposed to talk
287
00:10:39,490 --> 00:10:41,658
to him about losing his job.
288
00:10:41,659 --> 00:10:43,226
Lily, how is forcing him
to dwell on a problem
289
00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:44,727
he can do nothing about
going to help him?
290
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:47,196
How is ignoring it going
to solve anything?
291
00:10:47,197 --> 00:10:48,231
Well, you ignored
good dental hygiene
292
00:10:48,232 --> 00:10:49,498
for the better
part of a decade,
293
00:10:49,499 --> 00:10:50,667
and you seem to
be doing just...
294
00:10:50,668 --> 00:10:52,435
Cook Pu! (giggling): Cook Pu.
295
00:10:52,436 --> 00:10:54,971
Dale call yet?
Why do you got to...
296
00:10:54,972 --> 00:10:56,639
Guys, guys, guys, look!
297
00:10:59,110 --> 00:11:00,811
Barney, I'm going to
stop you for a second.
298
00:11:00,812 --> 00:11:03,113
There's something I have to ask.
299
00:11:03,114 --> 00:11:04,681
Have you ever used
300
00:11:04,682 --> 00:11:06,250
performance-enhancing drugs?
301
00:11:06,251 --> 00:11:07,884
No, sir.
302
00:11:07,885 --> 00:11:09,920
I respect the game too much.
303
00:11:09,921 --> 00:11:13,791
Although, I can't say
I haven't been offered.
304
00:11:16,962 --> 00:11:19,063
Dude, it was pretty awesome.
305
00:11:20,165 --> 00:11:21,299
You should try it.
306
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:22,400
I have, I have some more.
307
00:11:22,401 --> 00:11:23,734
No, thanks.
308
00:11:23,735 --> 00:11:25,236
You sure?
309
00:11:25,237 --> 00:11:28,138
All right, suit yourself.
310
00:11:28,139 --> 00:11:30,541
What time is it?
311
00:11:30,542 --> 00:11:32,409
It's, uh, 8:00.
8:00?
312
00:11:40,084 --> 00:11:42,252
I need to go to the hospital.
313
00:11:44,689 --> 00:11:46,358
I'd never touch the stuff.
314
00:11:46,359 --> 00:11:48,359
You can test me if
you want, Jim Nantz.
315
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,728
Barney, I trust you.
316
00:11:49,729 --> 00:11:51,463
I regret I even asked you
the question.
317
00:11:51,464 --> 00:11:53,631
Okay, let's go to night six.
318
00:11:53,632 --> 00:11:56,501
Two girls away from perfection.
319
00:11:56,502 --> 00:11:58,771
(chattering) Hey! Hey.
320
00:11:58,772 --> 00:12:01,039
Dude, what are you doing here?
Get down to the bar!
321
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:02,875
Ted, relax.
322
00:12:02,876 --> 00:12:03,976
I'm already six for six.
323
00:12:03,977 --> 00:12:05,644
Really?
Yeah.
324
00:12:05,645 --> 00:12:07,879
I was lunching
at Tavern on the Green,
325
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:10,282
I started chatting up
this Swedish supermodel.
326
00:12:10,283 --> 00:12:11,816
Next thing you know,
I'm playing a day game
327
00:12:11,817 --> 00:12:14,085
in the back of
a horse-drawn carriage.
328
00:12:14,086 --> 00:12:16,721
Giddy-what-up?!
329
00:12:16,722 --> 00:12:18,289
(neighing)
330
00:12:18,290 --> 00:12:20,492
(splutters and stomps)
331
00:12:20,493 --> 00:12:21,693
Awesome.
332
00:12:21,694 --> 00:12:22,827
What really happened?
333
00:12:22,828 --> 00:12:24,862
I had lunch
at a Staten Island Chili's
334
00:12:24,863 --> 00:12:26,130
and banged a drunk hairdresser.
335
00:12:26,131 --> 00:12:27,565
Are you happy, Truthy McGee?
336
00:12:33,872 --> 00:12:35,072
Barney, we know
you might get fired.
337
00:12:35,073 --> 00:12:38,009
Wait, you have to
talk about this.
338
00:12:38,010 --> 00:12:40,611
You are just using
meaningless sex
339
00:12:40,612 --> 00:12:43,113
to distract yourself from
a really serious issue.
340
00:12:43,114 --> 00:12:44,915
It is not meaningless, okay?
341
00:12:44,916 --> 00:12:48,018
Number five and I
really connected.
342
00:12:48,019 --> 00:12:49,452
She's going back to school.
343
00:12:49,453 --> 00:12:53,323
Or has a kid in school-
something about school!
344
00:12:54,892 --> 00:12:56,926
So, today one of
my students told me
345
00:12:56,927 --> 00:12:58,594
Cook is dropping my class.
346
00:12:58,595 --> 00:13:02,498
Oh, my God, Pu dropped out?
347
00:13:02,499 --> 00:13:05,334
She is flushing her
education down the toilet!
348
00:13:05,335 --> 00:13:06,569
Any word from Dale?
349
00:13:06,570 --> 00:13:08,905
It's only been five days,
he's gonna call!
350
00:13:08,906 --> 00:13:10,139
Why do you care anyway?
351
00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:11,274
You said he was a total dork.
352
00:13:11,275 --> 00:13:13,276
Do not talk
about Dale that way, okay?
353
00:13:13,277 --> 00:13:16,112
He is twice the man
you will ever be!
354
00:13:16,113 --> 00:13:19,215
God forbid, if you can't find
another job, sell your place.
355
00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:21,250
Marshall and I have
an extra room.
356
00:13:21,251 --> 00:13:23,286
You can stay there as
long as you need.
357
00:13:23,287 --> 00:13:25,388
Make sure you bring
your own toothbrush.
358
00:13:25,389 --> 00:13:27,123
Lily, what are you doing?
359
00:13:27,124 --> 00:13:29,826
Talking to my friend who's going
through a really tough time.
360
00:13:29,827 --> 00:13:31,527
He's doing fine.
361
00:13:31,528 --> 00:13:34,363
Trying to sleep with seven
women in seven nights
362
00:13:34,364 --> 00:13:37,799
is not "doing fine"
it's a cry for help.
363
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,500
Barney's whole life
is a cry for help.
364
00:13:39,501 --> 00:13:40,701
But you don't mess with a man
365
00:13:40,702 --> 00:13:41,969
when he's in the middle
of a perf...
366
00:13:41,970 --> 00:13:43,270
What?
367
00:13:43,271 --> 00:13:44,471
Perfect week?
368
00:13:44,472 --> 00:13:45,772
(all gasp)
369
00:13:45,773 --> 00:13:47,841
Oh, perfect week, perfect week,
perfect week!
370
00:13:47,842 --> 00:13:49,810
Grow up!
371
00:13:49,811 --> 00:13:52,379
(hissing)
372
00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:53,714
Unbelievable.
373
00:13:53,715 --> 00:13:55,749
You know, there's two
things you don't do.
374
00:13:55,750 --> 00:13:57,585
One: you don't open an e-mail
from Phil Simms
375
00:13:57,586 --> 00:13:58,986
in front of your kids.
376
00:13:58,987 --> 00:14:02,556
And two: you don't jinx a man
going for a perfect week.
377
00:14:02,557 --> 00:14:03,724
I don't know what to tell you.
378
00:14:03,725 --> 00:14:04,892
Lily's always messing with me.
379
00:14:04,893 --> 00:14:07,394
I think she has a thing
for the Barnacle.
380
00:14:07,395 --> 00:14:09,530
You're a keen observer
381
00:14:09,531 --> 00:14:11,766
of the human condition,
Jim Nantz.
382
00:14:12,735 --> 00:14:14,403
I can't believe
you jinxed him.
383
00:14:14,404 --> 00:14:15,738
He doesn't stand
a chance out there.
384
00:14:15,739 --> 00:14:16,905
LILY:
Okay, question:
385
00:14:16,906 --> 00:14:18,507
If I ruined everything,
386
00:14:18,508 --> 00:14:20,943
why is Barney totally
hitting it off
387
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:23,012
with Third Martini
Girl over there?
388
00:14:23,013 --> 00:14:25,448
Oh, my God!
389
00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:27,416
He's going to do it!
Yeah. See?
390
00:14:27,417 --> 00:14:29,652
There is no such
thing as a jinx.
391
00:14:29,653 --> 00:14:30,619
(gasps)
392
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:31,787
Tell me she didn't say,
393
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,589
"There's no such thing
as a jinx."
394
00:14:33,590 --> 00:14:34,656
Wish I could.
395
00:14:34,657 --> 00:14:36,091
You were about to achieve
396
00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:37,459
something so beautiful!
397
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,227
Well, well, thanks to her,
398
00:14:39,228 --> 00:14:41,763
the only thing that could ruin
a surefire hookup
399
00:14:41,764 --> 00:14:44,032
was about to walk
through that door.
400
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:50,405
A member of the 2009
401
00:14:50,406 --> 00:14:53,842
World Champion
New York Yankees.
402
00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:03,785
Lily, I'm getting
my own toothbrush.
403
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:10,850
Well, I guess that's it.
404
00:15:10,851 --> 00:15:12,886
Barney's streak
ends at six.
405
00:15:12,887 --> 00:15:14,121
What?! Why?!
406
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,324
Because that guy with the
weird hair just walked in?
407
00:15:16,325 --> 00:15:18,893
That's Nick Swisher.
408
00:15:18,894 --> 00:15:21,129
He's a New York Yankee.
409
00:15:21,130 --> 00:15:24,199
No normal guy in New York City
can compete with a Yankee.
410
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,234
And it doesn't even have
to be a current Yankee.
411
00:15:26,235 --> 00:15:27,369
When I first moved here,
412
00:15:27,370 --> 00:15:29,771
I was on a fourth date
with a girl I really liked,
413
00:15:29,772 --> 00:15:31,139
until I got rack-jacked
by Phil Rizzuto.
414
00:15:31,140 --> 00:15:32,106
I was there.
415
00:15:32,107 --> 00:15:33,908
Holy cow, that guy
had game. Mm-hmm.
416
00:15:33,909 --> 00:15:36,009
I'm not seeing it.
417
00:15:36,010 --> 00:15:38,244
Okay, let me try to Canada
this up for you, eh?
418
00:15:38,245 --> 00:15:39,412
How would you react
419
00:15:39,413 --> 00:15:41,414
if one of those
Ca-chuck guys
420
00:15:41,415 --> 00:15:44,650
with the skates and the
sticks walked in here?
421
00:15:44,651 --> 00:15:48,353
Lily, if one of the Vancouver
Canucks walked in here,
422
00:15:48,354 --> 00:15:50,355
my panties would
drop so hard,
423
00:15:50,356 --> 00:15:52,457
there'd be a hole in the
floor halfway to China.
424
00:15:52,458 --> 00:15:53,892
That's what it's like
with the Yankees.
425
00:15:53,893 --> 00:15:55,928
Well, Barney's screwed.
426
00:15:55,929 --> 00:15:57,430
It's happening! Look.
427
00:15:57,431 --> 00:15:58,764
Hey! Want to come over
428
00:15:58,765 --> 00:16:01,634
and look at my snow
globe collection?
429
00:16:01,635 --> 00:16:02,902
Snow globe collection?
430
00:16:02,903 --> 00:16:04,771
He's throwing junk
out there.
431
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,309
That is Nick Swisher!
432
00:16:09,310 --> 00:16:10,610
(all groan)
Good effort.
433
00:16:10,611 --> 00:16:12,946
Good game, good game, good game,
good game, good game.
434
00:16:12,947 --> 00:16:14,581
Not good enough.
435
00:16:14,582 --> 00:16:17,784
This whole week was a waste.
436
00:16:18,653 --> 00:16:22,522
And tomorrow,
I'm going to get fired.
437
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:26,659
I'm really sorry, dude.
438
00:16:26,660 --> 00:16:29,695
But for what it's worth,
this week wasn't a waste.
439
00:16:29,696 --> 00:16:32,965
We were all having
a really horrible week
440
00:16:32,966 --> 00:16:35,001
and you took
our minds off it.
441
00:16:35,002 --> 00:16:37,237
Yeah, I had my first student
drop my class- it sucked.
442
00:16:37,238 --> 00:16:39,639
I met my soul mate and
he never called me back.
443
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,508
I mean yet. He will.
444
00:16:41,509 --> 00:16:43,611
(voice breaking):
He will.
445
00:16:43,612 --> 00:16:45,613
We scared off
a really great couple
446
00:16:45,614 --> 00:16:47,515
just because we share
a toothbrush.
447
00:16:47,516 --> 00:16:49,951
You share a toothbrush?!
448
00:16:49,952 --> 00:16:51,719
Well, them and Ted.
449
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:52,519
Wha...?
450
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,021
Wait a second.
451
00:16:54,022 --> 00:16:57,158
When we were dating, you borrowed
that toothbrush all the time.
452
00:16:57,159 --> 00:16:59,026
Oh, my God.
453
00:16:59,027 --> 00:17:00,795
NARRATOR: And that's
when Aunt Lily realized
454
00:17:00,796 --> 00:17:02,330
what's great about sports:
455
00:17:02,331 --> 00:17:05,499
They take your mind off your
troubles, if only for a moment.
456
00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:09,136
And deep down, we all needed
that perfect week.
457
00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:13,974
The second she sits down next
to Swisher, it's all over.
458
00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:18,144
Wait a minute!
459
00:17:18,145 --> 00:17:20,547
MARSHALL:
Aldrin's got a bead on her!
460
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:26,287
She's running
out of room.
461
00:17:26,288 --> 00:17:28,689
She dives, and...
462
00:17:28,690 --> 00:17:29,857
(thud)
463
00:17:29,858 --> 00:17:31,760
I have no idea where
she's going with this.
464
00:17:31,761 --> 00:17:33,728
Oh, my God, are-are
you okay? Yeah. Oh.
465
00:17:33,729 --> 00:17:35,731
Sorry. I'm such a klutz!
466
00:17:35,732 --> 00:17:37,133
Oh, thanks. Ow!
467
00:17:37,134 --> 00:17:38,167
Oh, I...
468
00:17:38,168 --> 00:17:39,535
think I twisted my ankle.
469
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:40,837
Can you get me some ice?
470
00:17:40,838 --> 00:17:41,671
Of course.
471
00:17:41,672 --> 00:17:43,306
Oh, my God,
she did it!
472
00:17:43,307 --> 00:17:46,743
I guess- I guess there is
no such thing as a jinx!
473
00:17:51,682 --> 00:17:54,017
Oh, I'll get you
some ice, Lily.
474
00:17:54,018 --> 00:17:56,019
MARSHALL:
Damn it.
475
00:17:56,020 --> 00:17:57,120
Swisher's back
in play!
476
00:17:57,121 --> 00:17:58,221
Swisher's back in play!
477
00:17:58,222 --> 00:17:59,289
Follow me.
478
00:17:59,290 --> 00:18:01,124
Hey, Nick Swisher!
479
00:18:01,125 --> 00:18:03,192
This guy and his wife
share a toothbrush!
480
00:18:03,193 --> 00:18:04,460
So?
481
00:18:04,461 --> 00:18:07,463
So, that's weird, right?
482
00:18:07,464 --> 00:18:10,232
Actually, I think
it's kind of sweet.
483
00:18:10,233 --> 00:18:13,435
In a way, aren't we all trying
to find that special someone
484
00:18:13,436 --> 00:18:15,503
to share a toothbrush with?
485
00:18:15,504 --> 00:18:17,372
Excuse me.
486
00:18:17,373 --> 00:18:19,240
Lily, Nick Swisher
thinks we're sweet.
487
00:18:20,342 --> 00:18:22,744
Martini?
488
00:18:22,745 --> 00:18:25,079
We're having a beer
with a New York Yankee.
489
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:26,581
How cool is that?
490
00:18:26,582 --> 00:18:27,615
It's amazing.
491
00:18:27,616 --> 00:18:29,416
I totally follow baseball.
492
00:18:29,417 --> 00:18:31,719
Mookie Wilson, is that a thing?
493
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,687
Yeah, baseball, it's amazing.
494
00:18:33,688 --> 00:18:36,290
But I tell you one thing,
it's no hockey.
495
00:18:36,291 --> 00:18:41,094
I live right upstairs.
496
00:18:41,095 --> 00:18:43,663
What do you say we go back
to my place?
497
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:44,898
(sultry laughter)
498
00:18:44,899 --> 00:18:48,101
Wow, to be honest,
I don't normally do that,
499
00:18:48,102 --> 00:18:51,003
but I feel a real
connection here,
500
00:18:51,004 --> 00:18:52,738
seven- Christy.
501
00:18:56,610 --> 00:18:58,777
Please.
502
00:19:00,246 --> 00:19:02,280
I did it!
503
00:19:02,281 --> 00:19:04,182
(all cheering)
504
00:19:04,183 --> 00:19:05,183
I did...
505
00:19:05,184 --> 00:19:07,385
(laughing)
506
00:19:09,755 --> 00:19:11,689
Amazing!
507
00:19:11,690 --> 00:19:14,158
Congratulations on
your perfect week!
508
00:19:14,159 --> 00:19:15,358
Thanks, Jim.
509
00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:17,027
I couldn't have done it
without my teammates.
510
00:19:17,028 --> 00:19:18,361
Hey, on to a new topic.
511
00:19:18,362 --> 00:19:21,163
Do you really think
you might get fired today?
512
00:19:21,164 --> 00:19:24,099
Um, uh, Jim,
513
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:26,201
I- I-I told you I don't want
to talk about that.
514
00:19:26,202 --> 00:19:29,270
Barney, I'm a figment
of your imagination,
515
00:19:29,271 --> 00:19:31,273
so apparently you do.
516
00:19:31,274 --> 00:19:32,975
Think about that.
517
00:19:33,777 --> 00:19:37,112
What a jerk.
You're a jerk.
518
00:19:39,616 --> 00:19:42,384
Mr. Donovan will
see you now.
519
00:19:42,385 --> 00:19:46,521
Stinson, we've reached
a decision.
520
00:19:48,224 --> 00:19:50,492
We're keeping you on.
521
00:19:50,493 --> 00:19:52,327
(sighs)
522
00:19:52,328 --> 00:19:54,963
I know this past week
must have been tough on you.
523
00:19:54,964 --> 00:19:56,331
(chuckles)
524
00:19:56,332 --> 00:19:59,066
I barely slept.
525
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:00,167
Here you go, guys.
526
00:20:00,168 --> 00:20:03,404
The official hat
of Barney's perfect week.
527
00:20:03,405 --> 00:20:04,572
I was going to
do shirts,
528
00:20:04,573 --> 00:20:06,407
but then you have
to guess sizes.
529
00:20:06,408 --> 00:20:08,275
And feelings get hurt.
It's a mess.
530
00:20:08,276 --> 00:20:09,810
In commemoration
531
00:20:09,811 --> 00:20:14,347
of Barney's induction into
the Hall of Game, this tie,
532
00:20:14,348 --> 00:20:16,715
worn on the seventh night
of his perfect week,
533
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,684
is hereby retired.
534
00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:21,453
May Barney's heroic
feat be remembered
535
00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:24,055
and spoken of
for generations to come.
536
00:20:25,090 --> 00:20:27,491
I'm totally going
to sit my kids down one day
537
00:20:27,492 --> 00:20:29,193
and tell them about
the time Uncle Barney
538
00:20:29,194 --> 00:20:31,028
nailed seven chicks in a row.
539
00:20:31,029 --> 00:20:32,696
(all laugh)
540
00:20:32,697 --> 00:20:35,999
NARRATOR:
Am I a bad dad?
541
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:39,934
Take out order for Cook Pu?
542
00:20:39,935 --> 00:20:43,004
We have a number two
over here for Cook Pu.
543
00:20:43,005 --> 00:20:45,473
You guys got Wendy
saying it now?!
544
00:20:45,474 --> 00:20:47,342
Come on, I- Okay, I get it.
545
00:20:47,343 --> 00:20:49,278
Cook Pu is a stupid name
546
00:20:49,279 --> 00:20:51,647
and it gets stupider and
stupider the more you say it.
547
00:20:51,648 --> 00:20:54,150
Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu.
548
00:20:54,151 --> 00:20:55,718
Here.