1 00:00:01,018 --> 00:00:03,355 In May of 2009, I was on the verge of scoring 2 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:06,134 my first big client as an independent architect. 3 00:00:06,259 --> 00:00:08,341 I was willing to do anything to make it happen. 4 00:00:08,694 --> 00:00:11,394 Here's what we want, son. It's real simple. 5 00:00:11,656 --> 00:00:13,801 We're opening a restaurant called Rib Town 6 00:00:14,213 --> 00:00:16,166 and we want it to be shaped 7 00:00:16,392 --> 00:00:18,017 like a cowboy hat. 8 00:00:19,044 --> 00:00:20,044 Anything. 9 00:00:20,316 --> 00:00:21,270 A cowboy hat? 10 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,706 That's brilliant. 11 00:00:24,032 --> 00:00:24,892 I love it! 12 00:00:25,017 --> 00:00:28,194 I mean, nothing says delicious like the inside of a cowboy hat, right? 13 00:00:28,551 --> 00:00:30,577 Look, I'm telling you, I'm your guy. 14 00:00:32,156 --> 00:00:34,676 I think I was born to design this building. 15 00:00:34,801 --> 00:00:35,679 I just... 16 00:00:36,113 --> 00:00:37,005 I see it. 17 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:40,373 I don't see it. I don't see it. I don't see it. 18 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:42,958 What's so good about it? 19 00:00:43,499 --> 00:00:44,377 Up all night? 20 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,762 I told these guys I have a vision for this thing. 21 00:00:46,887 --> 00:00:49,301 They want to see a pitch in a week and I got nothing. 22 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,509 - It's cute. - Cute? 23 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:56,013 I could be designing concert halls and bridges. 24 00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:59,057 Bridges so beautiful they could be in museums. 25 00:00:59,182 --> 00:01:01,560 And I could design those museums. 26 00:01:02,069 --> 00:01:05,086 But what am I designing instead? What has my career come to? 27 00:01:05,211 --> 00:01:09,096 A two-story Stetson with outdoor dining on the brim. 28 00:01:10,174 --> 00:01:12,140 It's a sick cosmic joke. 29 00:01:12,265 --> 00:01:14,115 The universe is conspiring against me. 30 00:01:15,093 --> 00:01:18,055 You just need to get out of the house. Take a walk. Get a bagel. 31 00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:20,733 Yeah, that'll solve everything. 32 00:01:20,858 --> 00:01:23,668 I haven't slept for 34 hours, but a bagel is the answer. 33 00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:26,752 A cinnamon raisin bagel with a little cream cheese. 34 00:01:27,542 --> 00:01:29,588 That sounds pretty good, I'm going to get a bagel. 35 00:01:30,146 --> 00:01:31,924 Bring an umbrella. It's supposed to rain, 36 00:01:32,049 --> 00:01:33,759 according to Galoshes, our weather clown. 37 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:36,267 Your show has a clown who does the weather? 38 00:01:36,392 --> 00:01:37,856 That's a little cheesy, no? 39 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:42,415 And what's that restaurant you're designing shaped like, Hoss? 40 00:01:43,767 --> 00:01:45,432 Fine. You want me out of the house, 41 00:01:45,557 --> 00:01:47,231 I'll get out of the house. 42 00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:51,249 Can't wait to see what the universe has lined up for me out there. 43 00:01:55,698 --> 00:01:58,753 Kids, I've been telling you the story of how I met your mother. 44 00:01:58,878 --> 00:02:01,243 And while there's many things to learn from this story, 45 00:02:01,368 --> 00:02:03,068 this may be the biggest. 46 00:02:03,396 --> 00:02:06,834 The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. 47 00:02:06,959 --> 00:02:09,637 They'll also be the things that happen to you. 48 00:02:09,762 --> 00:02:12,840 I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. 49 00:02:13,507 --> 00:02:15,957 You have to take action, and you will. 50 00:02:16,935 --> 00:02:19,097 But never forget that, on any day, 51 00:02:19,222 --> 00:02:22,712 you could step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. 52 00:02:23,579 --> 00:02:25,907 You see, the universe has a plan, kids, 53 00:02:26,032 --> 00:02:27,980 and that plan is always in motion. 54 00:02:29,077 --> 00:02:31,074 A butterfly flaps its wings... 55 00:02:31,915 --> 00:02:33,665 and it starts to rain. 56 00:02:34,289 --> 00:02:37,143 It's a scary thought. But it's also kind of wonderful. 57 00:02:37,402 --> 00:02:40,402 All these little parts of the machine constantly working, 58 00:02:40,527 --> 00:02:43,356 making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, 59 00:02:43,481 --> 00:02:45,652 exactly when you're supposed to be there. 60 00:02:45,926 --> 00:02:48,582 The right place... at the right time. 61 00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:52,733 Synchro: ShalimarFox, Arrow 62 00:03:05,938 --> 00:03:08,702 Kids, it's a miracle that I ended up on that street corner. 63 00:03:08,827 --> 00:03:11,774 Especially when you consider how easy it would have been not to end up there. 64 00:03:12,428 --> 00:03:14,443 I mean, when I first stepped out of the apartment, 65 00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:16,792 I almost went right instead of left. 66 00:03:16,917 --> 00:03:18,177 Why didn't I go right? 67 00:03:18,302 --> 00:03:20,241 To answer that, we have to go back a few days. 68 00:03:20,882 --> 00:03:23,661 As you know, back then, your Aunt Robin hosted a morning show. 69 00:03:24,111 --> 00:03:27,199 Now Eunice here makes all of these purses herself. 70 00:03:27,558 --> 00:03:30,190 They're hand embroidered with the world's finest silk. 71 00:03:30,315 --> 00:03:32,647 And each one takes months to make. 72 00:03:32,772 --> 00:03:35,860 I cannot emphasize how much work goes into... 73 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,470 Go to weather, you idiot. 74 00:03:43,613 --> 00:03:44,915 Hey, everybody. 75 00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,810 We got a high pressure system coming in from the west and... 76 00:03:50,527 --> 00:03:53,788 On the plus side, I bought the cutest purse today. 77 00:03:54,453 --> 00:03:56,151 So, wait, why did you throw up? 78 00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,154 - You don't want to know. - Come on. Tell me. 79 00:04:00,582 --> 00:04:01,574 I'm pregnant. 80 00:04:02,166 --> 00:04:04,991 I will raise this child with you. You are not alone in this. 81 00:04:05,116 --> 00:04:07,911 We can even get married if you want, but I still want to see other girls, 82 00:04:08,036 --> 00:04:10,490 - it would've to be one of those kind... - God, stop it. 83 00:04:10,615 --> 00:04:13,002 I'm not pregnant. It's food poisoning. 84 00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,748 I ate something from this place, 85 00:04:16,873 --> 00:04:20,509 and three hours later, I was spewing like an open hydrant. 86 00:04:20,775 --> 00:04:24,096 - God. From where? - Well, that's a gross question. 87 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,890 No, where was the food from? 88 00:04:27,792 --> 00:04:29,351 - I don't want to tell you. - What? 89 00:04:29,927 --> 00:04:32,547 Go to YouTube. Put in "Robin Scherbatsky morning show vomit" 90 00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:34,064 Robin, home so soon. 91 00:04:34,959 --> 00:04:36,734 Someone already put it on YouTube? 92 00:04:37,196 --> 00:04:38,756 Yeah... Someone. 93 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:43,032 So... Why you been throwing up? You pregnant? 94 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,034 Yeah, Barney. I'm pregnant. 95 00:04:49,784 --> 00:04:52,124 So, wait, why won't you tell me where you got food poisoning? 96 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:55,377 You love this place. If I tell you, it'll just ruin it. 97 00:04:57,156 --> 00:04:58,935 - That makes sense. - Yeah. 98 00:04:59,060 --> 00:05:00,310 Don't tell me. 99 00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:03,385 Is it that Indian place where the cat jumps on all the tables? 100 00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:04,516 I'm not saying. 101 00:05:04,641 --> 00:05:07,743 - That Spanish place with baby's crib? - I'm not saying. 102 00:05:08,704 --> 00:05:09,558 God, no. 103 00:05:12,071 --> 00:05:14,396 Is it this place? Tell me, damn you! 104 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,764 - You really want to know? - Yes! 105 00:05:17,225 --> 00:05:19,278 It's Schlegel's Bagels. 106 00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:21,153 Why did you tell me that? 107 00:05:21,705 --> 00:05:24,484 Schlegel's? Thanks a lot, Robin. 108 00:05:24,963 --> 00:05:27,124 Now I'm gonna have to try to find another place in NY 109 00:05:27,249 --> 00:05:28,785 that serves bagels. 110 00:05:30,914 --> 00:05:33,703 So, you see, kids, if I had gone to Schlegel's Bagels as usual, 111 00:05:33,828 --> 00:05:35,459 I would have taken a right. 112 00:05:36,202 --> 00:05:37,995 I would have gotten a bagel... 113 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,214 gone home, worked on the old hat building, 114 00:05:40,711 --> 00:05:42,841 and you kids might never have been born. 115 00:05:43,378 --> 00:05:47,228 But I turned left instead, to go to my second-favorite bagel place 116 00:05:47,708 --> 00:05:49,408 and the rest is history. 117 00:05:49,660 --> 00:05:52,659 Of course, I stopped at that magazine stand on the way. 118 00:05:52,876 --> 00:05:55,270 Why did I stop there? Here's why. 119 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:02,894 Bro's Life magazine. 120 00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:05,640 Page 83. Check it. 121 00:06:07,292 --> 00:06:09,988 "What your paintball gun says about your personality"? 122 00:06:10,113 --> 00:06:10,995 Below that. 123 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:14,206 "That last five pounds: How to get her to lose them." 124 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,624 Above that. 125 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:17,960 Petra Petrova. 126 00:06:20,061 --> 00:06:23,757 Bro's Life magazine's girl of the year for may. 127 00:06:24,129 --> 00:06:27,024 A delicate flower in stiletto pumps and leopard panties, 128 00:06:27,149 --> 00:06:28,470 straddling an ATV. 129 00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:31,640 These magazines are so lame. I mean, she's probably airbrushed and enhanced. 130 00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:34,878 - I have a date with her. - You are my hero! Are you serious? 131 00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:37,669 - How do you have a date with her? - Not part of the story. 132 00:06:37,794 --> 00:06:40,790 Ted, I have been waiting a long time to say this. 133 00:06:41,528 --> 00:06:43,548 This girl is the one. 134 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:46,046 Of course she's the one. You have to marry those. 135 00:06:46,171 --> 00:06:47,171 Her. 136 00:06:48,484 --> 00:06:49,484 Marry? 137 00:06:51,421 --> 00:06:54,747 I have something much, much more special in mind. 138 00:06:55,421 --> 00:06:57,574 Petra here, if all goes well, 139 00:06:57,782 --> 00:06:59,967 will be my... wait for it, two hundredth. 140 00:07:00,092 --> 00:07:01,837 Sorry, I couldn't wait. It's all exciting. 141 00:07:02,176 --> 00:07:05,007 Your two hundredth, as in "sex with"? 142 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:06,695 As in "sex with." 143 00:07:06,820 --> 00:07:09,595 I request the highest of fives. 144 00:07:10,101 --> 00:07:12,473 Not if I was wearing a HazMat suit. 145 00:07:13,502 --> 00:07:14,988 200 is too many. 146 00:07:15,673 --> 00:07:19,655 Right, 'cause there can be too many of something wonderful. 147 00:07:19,780 --> 00:07:22,775 "Babe Ruth, easy, big fella. Let's not hit too many homers." 148 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,889 "Steve Guttenberg, maybe just make three Police Academy movies. 149 00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,655 "America's laughed enough." 150 00:07:28,892 --> 00:07:30,199 Who are these girls? 151 00:07:30,630 --> 00:07:32,576 That was rhetorical. Don't show me the list. 152 00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,829 199 satisfied customers. 153 00:07:36,097 --> 00:07:38,332 Anyway, the big night is Thursday. 154 00:07:38,591 --> 00:07:41,376 I'm having a celebratory soirée beforehand at MacLaren's. 155 00:07:42,082 --> 00:07:45,111 Prepare a toast. Black tie optional, but preferred. 156 00:07:45,236 --> 00:07:48,570 Gifts are, look, I would say unnecessary, but follow your heart. 157 00:07:49,054 --> 00:07:50,219 200's too many. 158 00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:52,221 - It's not too many. - It's too many! 159 00:07:52,464 --> 00:07:54,515 - It's not too many. - Thank you. 160 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:55,927 No, don't get me wrong. 161 00:07:56,052 --> 00:07:59,645 You're disgusting, and the cops should probably clamp a boot on your genitals, 162 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,004 but that number should be higher. 163 00:08:02,129 --> 00:08:05,023 After Barney told me about all this, I crunched the numbers and, 164 00:08:05,148 --> 00:08:06,148 well... 165 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,736 I had some charts made up. 166 00:08:09,743 --> 00:08:12,241 Barney here hits on roughly 20 girls a week. 167 00:08:12,728 --> 00:08:16,478 It's way more than 20. And B. Smooth don't do nothing roughly. 168 00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:19,702 Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week means 169 00:08:19,827 --> 00:08:22,334 1,040 girls a year. 170 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,177 In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity, 171 00:08:25,302 --> 00:08:29,299 that means he's hit on 16,640 girls. 172 00:08:29,669 --> 00:08:32,346 Now, if he's bedded 199 of them, 173 00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:34,371 that is a success rate of... 174 00:08:36,123 --> 00:08:39,434 a little over one percent. 175 00:08:40,156 --> 00:08:42,271 That's a batting average of 12, 176 00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:45,780 eight times worse than the career batting average of... 177 00:08:46,137 --> 00:08:48,315 one-handed pitcher, that's right, 178 00:08:48,845 --> 00:08:50,609 pitcher... Jim Abbott. 179 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:54,283 Jealous. 180 00:08:54,815 --> 00:08:55,576 Jealous. 181 00:08:56,067 --> 00:08:56,952 Hero. 182 00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,493 Suspiciously quiet during this conversation 183 00:08:59,618 --> 00:09:02,249 about number of sex partners. Hero. 184 00:09:02,602 --> 00:09:05,460 It's the grand total. That's the only number that matters. 185 00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:07,678 - Says who? - Matthew Panning, 186 00:09:08,247 --> 00:09:10,924 the stud of Port Richmond Middle School. 187 00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,515 Stinson, you're such a dweeb-o. 188 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,429 I bet you never even done it with a girl. 189 00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:16,997 Neither have you. 190 00:09:17,122 --> 00:09:19,368 How many times do I have to explain this? 191 00:09:19,493 --> 00:09:20,979 I've done it with 100 girls. 192 00:09:21,104 --> 00:09:23,604 They're seventh graders at my cousin's school on Long Island. 193 00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:27,316 Well, you know what, Matthew? Someday, I'm gonna do it with 200. 194 00:09:29,180 --> 00:09:31,111 Yeah. Call me when that happens. 195 00:09:32,782 --> 00:09:34,860 And call him I will. 196 00:09:35,932 --> 00:09:38,243 I think he's gonna say it again really slow. 197 00:09:38,956 --> 00:09:40,458 Call him... 198 00:09:41,610 --> 00:09:42,728 I will. 199 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:48,299 You listed Gaby Allan twice, as 78 and 162. 200 00:09:48,424 --> 00:09:50,246 What? Let me see. 201 00:09:50,371 --> 00:09:51,421 Seventy... 202 00:09:51,742 --> 00:09:53,261 Once. Oh, my God. 203 00:09:54,329 --> 00:09:56,507 Wait a... I counted the same girl twice? 204 00:09:56,632 --> 00:09:58,931 That means I'm only at one 198? 205 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:02,886 That only means that you're half a percent less gross than we thought. 206 00:10:03,362 --> 00:10:06,189 I'm seducing a Czech supermodel in two hours. 207 00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,605 I can't squander that on 199. 208 00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,748 Petra has to be 200. 209 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:15,448 What are you gonna do? It's not like you're gonna find someone new 210 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,760 to have sex with in the next two hours. 211 00:10:18,082 --> 00:10:20,223 Hi, millionaire astronaut. Want to come back to my place 212 00:10:20,348 --> 00:10:21,966 - and see some moon shells? - Go away. 213 00:10:22,091 --> 00:10:25,200 I just got back from my wife's grave. Put her in the ground a year ago today. 214 00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:27,208 Man, I miss her. I sure could use some comfort. 215 00:10:27,422 --> 00:10:28,543 You're creepy. 216 00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:31,425 Man, aren't you sick of all the games? I just want to settle down 217 00:10:31,550 --> 00:10:33,736 and have a gaggle of rug rats, like, right now. 218 00:10:33,861 --> 00:10:36,466 I have Mace, and I enjoy using it. 219 00:10:40,488 --> 00:10:43,615 Knowing how important this is to me, do you think Lily would even consider... 220 00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:46,103 - By the way, I would do all the work... - I will end your life. 221 00:10:46,272 --> 00:10:47,072 Right. 222 00:10:52,802 --> 00:10:54,861 Where'd Barney go? It's been over an hour. 223 00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,240 You know, looking over the names on this list, 224 00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:59,868 I'm not sensing a lot of ethnic diversity. 225 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,952 He should really look at that in himself. 226 00:11:05,308 --> 00:11:06,373 All done. 227 00:11:06,745 --> 00:11:08,995 199 down, one more to go. 228 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:10,740 You done with your drink? 229 00:11:13,228 --> 00:11:14,599 There's the stuff. 230 00:11:16,497 --> 00:11:18,248 What the hell happened to you? 231 00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:20,755 So, there's this girl at my gym... 232 00:11:21,026 --> 00:11:23,473 Pauline... she's been after me for some time. 233 00:11:23,686 --> 00:11:26,643 - Why'd you wait until now? - She's not exactly my type. 234 00:11:27,214 --> 00:11:29,062 Looking good, Pauline. 235 00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:30,498 You are gonna rip it up 236 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:33,831 at the Women's Pumping Iron Classic in Sarasota this fall. 237 00:11:39,395 --> 00:11:41,968 I was thinking about you and me 238 00:11:43,389 --> 00:11:45,914 and if you're still interested... 239 00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:50,334 - Okay, blondie, time for Mama's cardio! - Geez! Mommy! 240 00:11:51,053 --> 00:11:52,130 Every inch of her 241 00:11:52,255 --> 00:11:54,426 tasted like roast beef and creatine. 242 00:11:56,842 --> 00:11:57,992 But I did it. 243 00:11:58,194 --> 00:12:01,443 I did it and I still have 30 minutes before I'm supposed to meet Petra. 244 00:12:01,568 --> 00:12:03,423 Robin, do you have any concealer handy? 245 00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:06,099 I'd really like to cover up some bruises and razor burn. 246 00:12:08,907 --> 00:12:11,646 - I hate to break this to you, but... - What? 247 00:12:12,073 --> 00:12:15,073 Well, you did count Gaby Allan twice, 248 00:12:15,198 --> 00:12:19,185 but... you also went from 138 to 138. 249 00:12:19,310 --> 00:12:20,697 You used the same number twice. 250 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:22,618 Wait, so, that means... 251 00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,862 Pauline wasn't 199, Pauline was 200? 252 00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:27,579 Congratulations! 253 00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:30,903 No... That was supposed to be Petra! 254 00:12:31,028 --> 00:12:32,807 Petra was supposed to be 200! 255 00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:36,454 Gorgeous, feminine, "Doesn't wear a weight belt in bed," Petra! 256 00:12:36,632 --> 00:12:39,277 Hey, come on. You made it to 200. 257 00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:40,953 You should be proud. 258 00:12:41,205 --> 00:12:43,887 You should be tested, but you should be proud. 259 00:12:44,391 --> 00:12:47,349 Who cares if Pauline doesn't pose for bikini pictures in magazines? 260 00:12:47,766 --> 00:12:48,895 Actually, she does. 261 00:12:49,020 --> 00:12:51,853 She's gonna be in next week's issue of Muscle Sexxy. 262 00:12:52,020 --> 00:12:54,268 And like many of the ladies in that magazine, 263 00:12:54,393 --> 00:12:56,676 Sexxy has two X's and one Y. 264 00:12:59,459 --> 00:13:01,210 And so, on my way to get a bagel, 265 00:13:01,335 --> 00:13:03,335 I stopped at a newsstand for a full minute 266 00:13:03,460 --> 00:13:05,721 to check out a picture of Barney's 200th. 267 00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:08,662 If I hadn't done that, 268 00:13:08,834 --> 00:13:10,747 I would've walked right by the newsstand, 269 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,874 cut down 77th and gotten to that corner a minute early. 270 00:13:14,149 --> 00:13:16,632 I would've gotten the bagel, done some work, 271 00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:19,131 and you kids might never have been born. 272 00:13:19,463 --> 00:13:21,136 Now, why did I cut down 77th, 273 00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:24,075 and give a dollar to the homeless guy? Here's why. 274 00:13:24,215 --> 00:13:27,013 Back when Marshall first started working at Goliath National Bank... 275 00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:32,276 Fran, I don't mean to bother you but I have a big presentation tomorrow 276 00:13:32,401 --> 00:13:35,954 and it would really help if I could get like some charts and graphs made up. 277 00:13:36,091 --> 00:13:39,042 - Could you help me with that? - This is the graphics department. 278 00:13:39,167 --> 00:13:41,822 We can make as many graphs, as many charts in as many colors 279 00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:43,811 on as many kinds of paper as you want. 280 00:13:50,844 --> 00:13:52,694 We are gonna have some fun. 281 00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:56,501 I've ranked the Presidents in order of how dirty their names sound. 282 00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:58,605 One: Johnson. 283 00:13:58,954 --> 00:14:00,505 Two: Bush. 284 00:14:00,895 --> 00:14:02,536 Three: Harding. 285 00:14:02,661 --> 00:14:04,259 Four: Polk. 286 00:14:05,756 --> 00:14:09,514 This circle represents "People Who Are Breaking My Heart..." 287 00:14:10,171 --> 00:14:12,286 and this circle represents 288 00:14:12,411 --> 00:14:15,280 "People Who Are Shaking My Confidence Daily." 289 00:14:15,913 --> 00:14:17,448 And where they overlap: 290 00:14:18,597 --> 00:14:19,597 Cecilia. 291 00:14:22,225 --> 00:14:25,405 This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. 292 00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:31,905 And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies. 293 00:14:39,230 --> 00:14:40,295 What's going on? 294 00:14:40,464 --> 00:14:41,733 Enough with the charts. 295 00:14:41,858 --> 00:14:43,108 And the graphs. 296 00:14:43,484 --> 00:14:46,384 Really any visual representation of data. 297 00:14:47,856 --> 00:14:49,171 I'm not an idiot. 298 00:14:51,044 --> 00:14:54,086 I know how you guys feel about my charts and my graphs. 299 00:14:54,609 --> 00:14:57,297 As a matter of fact, I've made a chart of your reaction to my charts. 300 00:14:57,422 --> 00:14:59,968 Let's take a look. Yes, it is true, 301 00:15:00,358 --> 00:15:02,372 since Cecelia, your interest in my charts 302 00:15:02,497 --> 00:15:04,047 has been steadily dropping. 303 00:15:04,172 --> 00:15:06,154 But based on recent trends, 304 00:15:06,279 --> 00:15:07,674 I have also made... 305 00:15:08,528 --> 00:15:10,242 A projection chart! 306 00:15:10,411 --> 00:15:12,990 And look... huge spike in interest coming! 307 00:15:13,115 --> 00:15:15,463 And this isn't just some dead cat bounce. 308 00:15:15,588 --> 00:15:18,959 This is big sustainable growth over the long term. 309 00:15:19,128 --> 00:15:21,001 You're a big sustainable growth. 310 00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,870 So, I have prepared a few charts 311 00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:30,902 to demonstrate how setting up a shell corporation in Bermuda 312 00:15:31,027 --> 00:15:33,223 could help minimize our second quarter losses. 313 00:15:34,704 --> 00:15:36,142 And save you all some jail time. 314 00:15:37,947 --> 00:15:39,358 To begin with... 315 00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:46,427 Could you just please excuse me? 316 00:15:51,561 --> 00:15:54,119 - Mosbius Designs. - What the hell happened to my charts? 317 00:15:54,288 --> 00:15:56,120 - We threw them away. - What? 318 00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:57,987 That's how an intervention works. 319 00:15:58,112 --> 00:16:00,750 You wouldn't stop using, so, we flushed your stash. 320 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:02,061 Come on, Ted! 321 00:16:02,186 --> 00:16:03,439 I need my charts, man! 322 00:16:03,564 --> 00:16:06,311 Just for today and then I promise I will never ever use charts again. 323 00:16:06,436 --> 00:16:09,050 I'm under at lot of pressure here. I need my charts, Jack! 324 00:16:09,506 --> 00:16:11,761 My God, you're doing charts at work? 325 00:16:12,127 --> 00:16:15,093 They're for work, you idiot! I'm giving a big presentation right now 326 00:16:15,218 --> 00:16:17,267 and if I don't have those charts I'm gonna get fired! 327 00:16:18,234 --> 00:16:19,234 Crap. 328 00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:21,438 Stay right there. I'll bring them to you. 329 00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:24,104 Hurry up! I'll try to think of a way to stall them. 330 00:16:27,297 --> 00:16:29,492 I'm sorry but there's been a little delay with the charts. 331 00:16:29,617 --> 00:16:32,625 But we will get started in just a minute. 332 00:16:39,070 --> 00:16:40,540 Fish are weird, right? 333 00:16:41,448 --> 00:16:43,548 I mean what's up with fish? 334 00:16:49,648 --> 00:16:51,551 Charts! Get your charts here! 335 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,058 Excuse me, Milt? I think those are my charts. 336 00:16:58,887 --> 00:17:00,901 These charts? On my blanket? 337 00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:04,014 That's also my blanket. We'll get to that later. 338 00:17:04,139 --> 00:17:07,327 - But I really need these charts. - Good, 'cause they're for sale. 339 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,069 Fine, how much? 340 00:17:10,559 --> 00:17:11,655 One million dollars. 341 00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:14,991 - I'll give you five bucks. - A million dollars. 342 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,161 No one's gonna pay a million dollars for these charts! 343 00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:20,789 One million dollars. 344 00:17:20,958 --> 00:17:22,458 Okay, Milt, you win. 345 00:17:23,905 --> 00:17:25,835 I'm gonna give you one million dollars. 346 00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:27,995 Urinating... 347 00:17:28,497 --> 00:17:30,173 The problem is, the ATM... 348 00:17:30,342 --> 00:17:31,841 The alien time machine. 349 00:17:32,206 --> 00:17:35,644 The alien time machine has a withdrawal limit. 350 00:17:35,769 --> 00:17:38,792 So, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you one dollar 351 00:17:39,005 --> 00:17:40,005 a day 352 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,163 for a million days. 353 00:17:43,610 --> 00:17:44,610 That's... 354 00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:47,065 That's 2700 years. 355 00:17:48,450 --> 00:17:49,317 Deal! 356 00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:53,655 Sucker. 357 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:57,733 I'm sorry, is there a land bass I don't know about? 358 00:18:01,794 --> 00:18:02,820 Let's get started. 359 00:18:02,945 --> 00:18:05,542 And so, if I hadn't bought those charts back for Marshall, 360 00:18:05,711 --> 00:18:07,320 I wouldn't have had to cut down 77th 361 00:18:07,445 --> 00:18:08,948 to give Milt his daily dollar 362 00:18:09,073 --> 00:18:11,056 and well, you know the rest. 363 00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:14,156 So, there you have it, kids. There's a lot of little reasons 364 00:18:14,281 --> 00:18:16,323 why the big things in our lives happen. 365 00:18:16,448 --> 00:18:19,077 If I had known then where all those little things were leading me, 366 00:18:19,202 --> 00:18:21,329 and how grateful I'd be to get there, 367 00:18:21,454 --> 00:18:24,069 well, I probably would've done something 368 00:18:24,705 --> 00:18:25,705 like this. 369 00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:08,646 Because somehow, I ended up in the right place at the right time. 370 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,498 And, as a result, 371 00:19:11,192 --> 00:19:12,901 my life would never be the same. 372 00:19:28,425 --> 00:19:31,320 The next day, Uncle Barney finally confronted Matthew Panning, 373 00:19:31,445 --> 00:19:33,437 the stud of Port Richmond Middle School. 374 00:19:33,562 --> 00:19:36,361 So, Barney, great to hear from you after all this time. 375 00:19:36,486 --> 00:19:39,594 - What's been going on? - I've had sex with 200 women. 376 00:19:42,282 --> 00:19:43,250 God! 377 00:19:43,375 --> 00:19:44,687 That's way too many. 378 00:19:44,812 --> 00:19:46,601 I mean, that's just gross. 379 00:19:46,993 --> 00:19:48,844 Have you sought counseling for sex addiction? 380 00:19:48,969 --> 00:19:50,563 Because you're a prime candidate. 381 00:19:50,753 --> 00:19:53,023 Have you sought counseling for I win you lose? 382 00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:55,484 Yeah, suddenly those 100 girls 383 00:19:55,609 --> 00:19:58,446 you nailed in the seventh grade aren't so impressive. 384 00:19:58,753 --> 00:19:59,753 100 girls? 385 00:20:00,191 --> 00:20:02,617 Is that what this is about? Barney, I lied. 386 00:20:03,192 --> 00:20:04,318 Sure you did. 387 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,685 I was 12... of course I was lying. 388 00:20:07,187 --> 00:20:08,915 I didn't have a pet Ewok either. 389 00:20:09,256 --> 00:20:10,291 Sure you didn't. 390 00:20:11,194 --> 00:20:13,918 Your whole adult life has been built around... 391 00:20:14,043 --> 00:20:16,673 something I lied about when I was 12? 392 00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:18,383 Jealous? 393 00:20:18,912 --> 00:20:21,344 Look, I gotta go pick my kids up at school. 394 00:20:21,758 --> 00:20:24,091 It sounds like you got a lot of problems. 395 00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:25,886 Good luck, I guess. 396 00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:29,312 I'm awesome. 397 00:20:32,354 --> 00:20:33,453 200. 398 00:20:35,203 --> 00:20:36,213 Now what? 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net