1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:05,330 In March 2009, I'd been dating my high school girlfriend Karen for a few weeks. 2 00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:07,250 My friends couldn't have been happier about it. 3 00:00:07,290 --> 00:00:09,870 - Hey,everybody. - Hello. 4 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:11,710 Sorry,we,uh, we can't stay long. 5 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:14,150 - What a shame! - That is sad! 6 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,890 Hey,are those real diamond earrings? 7 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:19,060 Yes. Yes,they are. Thank you. 8 00:00:19,070 --> 00:00:21,440 I didn't say I liked them. 9 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,830 Oh,well,I got a great deal on them,so... 10 00:00:23,870 --> 00:00:27,560 Cool. I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners in Sierra Leone would give you a high-five 11 00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:31,410 if they still had all their fingers. But really pretty. 12 00:00:31,820 --> 00:00:33,590 Meet me upstairs. 13 00:00:33,610 --> 00:00:35,920 They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking. 14 00:00:35,930 --> 00:00:38,950 Yeah. Ted, Karen's a douche. 15 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:40,950 Thanks for sugarcoating it. 16 00:00:40,970 --> 00:00:42,740 "Douche"is sugarcoating it. 17 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:46,930 Uh,okay, believe it or not,my friends do not get a vote on who I date. 18 00:00:46,970 --> 00:00:48,920 It's my life. I call the shots. 19 00:00:48,930 --> 00:00:51,300 - Ted,now! - Yeah,coming! 20 00:00:52,140 --> 00:00:56,170 I don't know what Ted sees in that horrible woman. 21 00:00:56,180 --> 00:00:58,730 I mean,yeah, she's got boobs, but... 22 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,400 well, I guess I get it. 23 00:01:00,410 --> 00:01:02,450 I think it's 'cause they met in high school. 24 00:01:02,490 --> 00:01:04,450 She was his first real girlfriend. 25 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,400 We look at Karen and see a jerk. 26 00:01:06,420 --> 00:01:09,860 Ted looks at Karen and sees the first person to touch his wiener besides himself, 27 00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:11,830 his mom,and his pediatrician. 28 00:01:11,870 --> 00:01:14,320 Okay,well,it's almost 2:00 A.M. I better get ready for work. 29 00:01:14,330 --> 00:01:17,690 How can they call that thing you're on a "morning show"? 30 00:01:17,740 --> 00:01:20,270 4:00 A.M.is still the middle of the night. 31 00:01:20,300 --> 00:01:21,720 I don't see how you do it. 32 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,580 It's been almost a month. I'm used to it. 33 00:01:24,590 --> 00:01:26,490 Plus the show's not half bad,right? 34 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,830 - Totally. - I've never seen it. 35 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:30,760 Have you guys ever watched it? 36 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,630 - Of course! - I've never seen it. 37 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:34,360 Really? What is your favorite segment? 38 00:01:34,370 --> 00:01:35,630 - Weather. - I've never seen it. 39 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,540 - You guys have never seen my show. - Sorry. 40 00:01:37,550 --> 00:01:39,490 - It's true. - That's what I've been saying. 41 00:01:40,130 --> 00:01:44,710 Okay,yes,it's dull and generic and we get spanked in the ratings by that Korean channel 42 00:01:44,750 --> 00:01:47,500 that only shows Kim Jong Il riding a horse, 43 00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:53,390 but guys,it would mean so much to me if just once I knew my friends were out there watching. 44 00:01:54,860 --> 00:01:56,050 I'll tell you what. 45 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:59,330 This Friday morning, everyone can come to our place 3:30 A.M. 46 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,210 We'll all put on PJs. We'll watch Robin's show. 47 00:02:02,220 --> 00:02:04,570 Aw,you guys are the best. 48 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:05,980 We just want to support you. 49 00:02:05,990 --> 00:02:09,260 {\a6}3:30*** 50 00:02:06,410 --> 00:02:09,260 I just want to go to sleep! 51 00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:12,230 I hate Robin for not being more successful. 52 00:02:13,070 --> 00:02:14,830 Hey,guys. 53 00:02:15,980 --> 00:02:20,120 Sad announcement: Karen broke up with me. 54 00:02:21,990 --> 00:02:23,230 Go ahead. 55 00:02:23,260 --> 00:02:26,080 I knew you were listening! Yes! 56 00:02:26,090 --> 00:02:30,970 -=http://sfile.ydy.com=- proudly presents 57 00:02:30,980 --> 00:02:38,970 -=http://sfile.ydy.com=- sync:ßÇÈâÈâ 58 00:02:38,980 --> 00:02:40,890 How I Met Your Mother Season04 Episode17 59 00:02:40,980 --> 00:02:44,070 Hey,hey, we shouldn't be celebrating. 60 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,910 Ted's just been through a bad breakup. 61 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,560 Look,buddy,tell us everything. Tell us what happened. 62 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,760 Seriously,spare no details. 63 00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:55,720 What did she say? What did you say? How did it feel? 64 00:02:56,170 --> 00:03:00,410 If you were to do it again, all over,would you maybe... 65 00:03:01,780 --> 00:03:03,610 How did it happen? 66 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:04,910 It was the stupidest thing. 67 00:03:04,940 --> 00:03:09,140 I mean,we were just hanging out, you know,being funny... 68 00:03:09,150 --> 00:03:11,560 You're the fan of 2002 Chiantis. 69 00:03:11,580 --> 00:03:15,330 Ew,no,you're the fan of 2002 Chiantis. 70 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,370 Wait. What is this? 71 00:03:18,910 --> 00:03:21,780 Looks like one of Robin's earrings. That's weird. 72 00:03:21,790 --> 00:03:24,390 - You're the fan... - How did it get in your bed? 73 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:25,940 I don't know. 74 00:03:25,980 --> 00:03:27,620 Have you been sleeping with Robin? 75 00:03:27,630 --> 00:03:29,210 What? No,of course not! 76 00:03:29,220 --> 00:03:31,830 It,it probably got mixed in with the laundry or something. 77 00:03:31,890 --> 00:03:33,290 Why should I believe you? 78 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:36,260 Um,maybe because I've always been faithful to you 79 00:03:36,270 --> 00:03:39,370 while you've cheated on me, like,six times,bitch. 80 00:03:39,540 --> 00:03:41,050 - Oh,snap! - Cold-blooded! 81 00:03:41,060 --> 00:03:43,270 Right? Right? 82 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:45,550 I totally should have said that. 83 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:46,930 Why should I believe you? 84 00:03:46,970 --> 00:03:52,130 Um,maybe because I've always been faithful to you while you... 85 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,010 I love you... 86 00:03:56,020 --> 00:04:00,390 I knew this was a mistake. That's it. It's over. 87 00:04:01,580 --> 00:04:04,500 And that was it. She left. 88 00:04:04,510 --> 00:04:05,780 What a story. 89 00:04:05,820 --> 00:04:08,340 So brave of you to share that. 90 00:04:08,370 --> 00:04:11,220 Wait. Those are your pajamas? 91 00:04:11,230 --> 00:04:13,240 You sleep in a pajama suit? 92 00:04:13,270 --> 00:04:15,680 Of course. What do you think I sleep in? 93 00:04:15,690 --> 00:04:17,430 A coffin. 94 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:20,170 Dude,that doesn't look comfortable at all. 95 00:04:20,210 --> 00:04:21,550 You're wearing a tie. 96 00:04:21,580 --> 00:04:24,530 First of all, it's a sleeping cravat. 97 00:04:24,550 --> 00:04:26,880 Second,it's not about comfort. 98 00:04:26,940 --> 00:04:29,430 It's about looking good all the time. 99 00:04:29,450 --> 00:04:31,570 Why do you have to look good all the time? 100 00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:35,730 Marshall,let me tell you a little story about something that happened a couple months back. 101 00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:49,950 We were just having a "Who's hornier" contest and we spilled massage oil all over ourselves. 102 00:04:49,970 --> 00:04:51,150 Nice pajamas. 103 00:04:51,170 --> 00:04:53,270 Can we use your shower? 104 00:04:55,410 --> 00:04:58,130 That's not a memory. That's from a porn movie. 105 00:04:58,140 --> 00:05:01,660 Not just any movie. That's the exact scene from... 106 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,830 Never mind. 107 00:05:03,850 --> 00:05:06,160 The point is it could happen. 108 00:05:06,190 --> 00:05:11,670 And if it did,and I didn't look my absolute best for those greasy sluts, I'd regret it forever. 109 00:05:12,890 --> 00:05:17,440 I'm sorry,dude, but that is just the most ridiculous sleeping attire I've ever seen in my life. 110 00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:19,510 Anyway... 111 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:23,120 Marshall's wearing a nightgown! Marshall's wearing a nightgown! 112 00:05:23,130 --> 00:05:25,930 Hey,guys,you know how in the future we're always saying "Remember when Marshall wore a nightgown"? 113 00:05:25,940 --> 00:05:27,360 This is that time! 114 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:28,420 It's a nightshirt. 115 00:05:28,430 --> 00:05:31,750 You can call it a Ninja Star Danger Jock if you want. 116 00:05:31,780 --> 00:05:33,510 Doesn't make you any less of a cross-dresser. 117 00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:35,200 Whatever,dude. It's comfy. 118 00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:38,690 So,flying to Neverland with Peter and Tink, was that amazing? 119 00:05:38,710 --> 00:05:40,150 Ooh,let me go next! 120 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:44,570 Was it nice to finally get out of that crowded bed and take Charlie to the chocolate factory? 121 00:05:44,620 --> 00:05:46,280 Ooh,me,me,me,me! 122 00:05:46,330 --> 00:05:49,090 Um,something about Scrooge! 123 00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:51,790 Come on,guys. I'm carrying the team. 124 00:05:52,130 --> 00:05:54,750 I don't know. I lived with Marshall for 12 years. 125 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:58,070 Any time he's wearing clothes at all,it's a victory. 126 00:06:00,330 --> 00:06:01,930 Ted,show's about to start! 127 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,950 Be right there! 128 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:20,150 Good morning,New York. I'm Robin... 129 00:06:21,610 --> 00:06:24,810 Marshall,I just found Robin's earring on your dresser. 130 00:06:24,820 --> 00:06:27,160 Did you have something to do with the other one being in my bed? 131 00:06:27,190 --> 00:06:28,070 What are you talking about? 132 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:31,280 You've always hated Karen. You've been telling me to break up with her. 133 00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:34,940 You did it. You-you put the earring in my bed so that Karen would find it. 134 00:06:34,950 --> 00:06:36,130 No,Ted,No! I would never... 135 00:06:36,140 --> 00:06:37,970 - Admit it! - There's nothing to admit! 136 00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:39,710 Then why was Robin's earring on your dresser? 137 00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:41,630 He was accessorizing! 138 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,480 Marshall,I swear to God,if you don't tell me the truth right now... 139 00:06:44,510 --> 00:06:48,200 Wait! Marshall didn't do it. 140 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:50,460 I did. 141 00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:52,870 I broke you and Karen up. 142 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:01,790 You broke me and Karen up? Are you insane? 143 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,200 What gives you the right to do that? 144 00:07:03,220 --> 00:07:05,320 Ted,I did it for your own good. 145 00:07:05,350 --> 00:07:08,630 You just weren't seeing how awful she was. 146 00:07:08,670 --> 00:07:10,910 She failed the Front Porch Test. 147 00:07:10,940 --> 00:07:13,080 What's the Front Porch Test? 148 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,990 Ted,you,me,and Marshall have been best friends since college. 149 00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:20,120 Think about how much we all mean to each other. 150 00:07:20,150 --> 00:07:23,800 So when I picture the future, I picture us all together. 151 00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:28,070 How we'll all be retired, sipping tea on the front porch of our beach house, 152 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,900 playing bridge all day. 153 00:07:29,930 --> 00:07:32,430 Okay,bridges are wild. 154 00:07:32,460 --> 00:07:35,080 Four of a bridge beats a royal bridge. 155 00:07:35,110 --> 00:07:38,910 I see your bridge and I raise you three bridges. 156 00:07:38,950 --> 00:07:41,180 Bridge! I win! 157 00:07:41,570 --> 00:07:43,680 You have no idea how to play bridge,do you? 158 00:07:43,710 --> 00:07:44,820 We're gonna take a class. 159 00:07:44,850 --> 00:07:47,160 It's important to stay active. 160 00:07:47,350 --> 00:07:52,300 So whenever you've been dating somebody for a while, I do the Front Porch Test. 161 00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:56,420 You know,how is this person gonna fit in with our group over the years? 162 00:07:56,430 --> 00:07:58,840 And when I think about Karen there... 163 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,100 Bridge! I win! 164 00:08:01,110 --> 00:08:03,530 Fantastic. Another game of bridge. 165 00:08:03,540 --> 00:08:05,820 Don't read a book or anything. 166 00:08:05,850 --> 00:08:08,920 Look,dear... dolphins. 167 00:08:08,930 --> 00:08:10,310 They seem happy. 168 00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:15,480 I guess the chemical runoff from this elitist beachfront property hasn't rotted out their blowholes yet. 169 00:08:15,490 --> 00:08:18,230 It will. That water will kill you. 170 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,740 It is a toxic deathtrap. 171 00:08:20,770 --> 00:08:22,140 I'm gonna take a dip. 172 00:08:22,180 --> 00:08:24,050 I'll join you. 173 00:08:24,060 --> 00:08:27,220 Karen failed the Front Porch Test. She had to go. 174 00:08:27,230 --> 00:08:29,540 I can't believe you did that. 175 00:08:29,570 --> 00:08:32,900 Ted,think about how awesome you,me,and Marshall are. 176 00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:35,730 Seriously think about it. 177 00:08:39,210 --> 00:08:41,610 - We're pretty awesome. - We're totally awesome! 178 00:08:41,620 --> 00:08:45,960 So whoever you marry, whoever joins Team Awesome, 179 00:08:45,970 --> 00:08:48,800 the bar is set pretty damn high. 180 00:08:49,110 --> 00:08:52,080 Look, I'm not saying what I did was right,but... 181 00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:53,400 You're better off without her. 182 00:08:53,430 --> 00:08:56,220 And if Clarence the angel says it's true,it must be true. 183 00:08:56,260 --> 00:08:58,720 Okay,you know what? Fine,make your little jokes. 184 00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:00,380 Seriously,why would you wear something like that? 185 00:09:00,420 --> 00:09:03,150 - Lots of reasons. - I bet you can't name five. 186 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,220 One: No need to wear anything underneath. 187 00:09:05,270 --> 00:09:07,410 I can vouch for that. Will you cross your legs,buddy? 188 00:09:07,420 --> 00:09:09,310 Two: Sexy. 189 00:09:09,330 --> 00:09:10,540 I can vouch for that. 190 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,620 Will you uncross your legs, buddy? 191 00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:16,970 Three: My Grandpa Olaf wore one and he lived to be 107. 192 00:09:17,010 --> 00:09:22,100 Four: No elastic waistband leaving its judgmental pink teeth marks around my Thanksgiving belly. 193 00:09:22,140 --> 00:09:27,560 And five: Every night when I go to sleep, it's the freest, 194 00:09:27,570 --> 00:09:29,650 most wonderful feeling in the world. 195 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:33,100 I feel... like I'm flying. 196 00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:42,530 So that's how I go to bed every night: happy, weightless. 197 00:09:42,570 --> 00:09:45,290 with a heart full of joy. What about you? 198 00:09:46,510 --> 00:09:50,830 I have to lie perfectly still so I don't wrinkle my suit-jamas. 199 00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:54,020 But at least I'm not wearing a dress. 200 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,830 So... how mad are you? 201 00:09:57,840 --> 00:09:59,640 I don't know.I mean, 202 00:09:59,650 --> 00:10:04,480 I guess if you guys feel that strongly about Karen,then maybe it was for the best. 203 00:10:04,490 --> 00:10:06,070 I really am sorry. 204 00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:09,630 I hated doing that again, but Karen had to go. 205 00:10:10,590 --> 00:10:15,140 "Again"? Wait. How many times have you broken me up with a girlfriend? 206 00:10:15,150 --> 00:10:17,050 Never! Six. 207 00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:19,930 - Like who? - No one! Angie. 208 00:10:20,510 --> 00:10:22,630 Sophomore year. 209 00:10:22,660 --> 00:10:26,990 She was just using you to get back at her ex, and you clearly didn't see it, 210 00:10:27,020 --> 00:10:31,010 so one day when she was taking a nap... 211 00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,060 Creed? 212 00:10:48,460 --> 00:10:50,880 Oh,my God, I have to break up with her. 213 00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:54,700 So that's where my Creed CD went. 214 00:10:55,130 --> 00:10:56,460 Who else? 215 00:10:56,500 --> 00:11:01,680 Remember that weird sci-fi girl who wanted you to propose after,like,two months? 216 00:11:01,690 --> 00:11:05,940 You barely even liked her, but you were still thinking about it,so... 217 00:11:08,380 --> 00:11:12,750 Listen,Ted, you're great, and this is so difficult, 218 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:15,620 but I think we're looking for different things. 219 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:19,970 So,live long and prosper. Or whatever. 220 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,050 That was you? This is insane! 221 00:11:28,060 --> 00:11:30,330 Ted,I did those things to help you. 222 00:11:30,350 --> 00:11:32,380 You're a commitment junkie. 223 00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:35,840 You fall in love with these women, even if they don't deserve you. 224 00:11:35,890 --> 00:11:38,470 What if one of those women was supposed to be the mother of my children? 225 00:11:38,510 --> 00:11:42,380 If there was ever the tiniest chance of that, I swear I didn't do anything. 226 00:11:42,420 --> 00:11:44,760 Like with Victoria or Stella. 227 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,770 Or Robin. 228 00:11:47,630 --> 00:11:49,450 Or Robin. 229 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,590 Robin,Robin. 230 00:11:51,610 --> 00:11:53,940 Did you break us up,too? 231 00:11:54,270 --> 00:11:56,300 Did you break us up,too? 232 00:11:56,330 --> 00:11:59,200 Stop talking to me like I'm your enemy! 233 00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:04,150 You weep for these women, but you have the luxury of not knowing what I know: 234 00:12:04,190 --> 00:12:08,140 that those breakups, while tragic, probably saved you from a crappy 235 00:12:08,150 --> 00:12:10,150 and very expensive first marriage. 236 00:12:10,170 --> 00:12:12,210 Did you break me and Robin up? 237 00:12:12,250 --> 00:12:16,860 You don't want the truth because deep down, you want me out there watching out for you. 238 00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:21,780 And deep down, you know that none of those women were ever gonna be the mother of your children. 239 00:12:21,810 --> 00:12:24,210 - Did you break me and Robin up? - I did what I had to do. 240 00:12:24,220 --> 00:12:27,820 - Did you break me and Robin up? - You're damn right I did! 241 00:12:31,830 --> 00:12:36,540 Marshall, your grandpa Olaf was a wise man. 242 00:12:40,930 --> 00:12:42,730 You broke me and Robin up? 243 00:12:42,770 --> 00:12:44,480 - No,it's not... - I cannot believe this. 244 00:12:44,490 --> 00:12:46,540 I need another drink. 245 00:12:46,550 --> 00:12:48,830 You know,I feel a little breeze down there. It's nice. 246 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:50,310 Oh,you think that's something? 247 00:12:50,330 --> 00:12:55,150 Stand over this heating vent. It's like your junk is on a tropical island. 248 00:12:56,790 --> 00:12:59,270 Little Barney says "Mahalo." 249 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,870 Seriously,what is wrong with you,Lily? 250 00:13:01,890 --> 00:13:02,870 How could you do that? 251 00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:05,120 I did this because I care about you! 252 00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:08,560 I am so glad that is the one you watched! 253 00:13:08,570 --> 00:13:11,400 Dear God,what happened to you? 254 00:13:13,230 --> 00:13:15,170 You didn't watch my show? 255 00:13:15,180 --> 00:13:17,220 The show. Sorry. 256 00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:19,710 Something special happen? 257 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,020 Same old,same old. 258 00:13:23,050 --> 00:13:25,610 Lily just told us that she broke you and me up. 259 00:13:25,620 --> 00:13:28,760 What? Broke-broke us up? What does that even mean? 260 00:13:28,770 --> 00:13:30,700 And why are these guys wearing nightgowns? 261 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:31,570 - Nightshirts. - Nightshirts. 262 00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:33,140 - It's a nightshirt. - It's called a nightshirt,Robin. 263 00:13:33,150 --> 00:13:37,880 Turns out Lily has taken it upon herself to sabotage many of my relationships, including ours. 264 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:41,360 No. Robin was different. I didn't want you two to break up, 265 00:13:41,370 --> 00:13:46,500 but you wanted completely different things out of life and refused to deal with it. 266 00:13:46,530 --> 00:13:49,110 I could just picture that front porch. 267 00:13:49,130 --> 00:13:51,040 Mm,two of hearts. 268 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:56,550 Just like the hearts of the two children I never had because my lovely wife hates kids. 269 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,930 Mm,a deuce. 270 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:04,360 Exactly what my career dropped once I decided to settle down and marry Ted. 271 00:14:04,370 --> 00:14:06,800 Bridge! I win. 272 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:11,320 Well,I do not like that scenario one bit. 273 00:14:11,350 --> 00:14:15,370 All I tried to do was get you guys to talk about your issues. 274 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:19,390 I didn't know I was feeding you the words that would lead to your breakup. 275 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,720 Hey,here's a fun question, just for fun. 276 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,700 Where do you see yourself in five years? 277 00:14:25,710 --> 00:14:28,680 You know what's fun? Fun questions. 278 00:14:28,900 --> 00:14:31,910 Where do you see yourself in five years? 279 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:33,760 Where do you see yourself in five years? 280 00:14:33,770 --> 00:14:35,460 Where do you see yourself? 281 00:14:35,470 --> 00:14:39,970 Not to put words in your mouth, but you probably want to be married. 282 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,680 I probably want to be married. 283 00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:44,950 You probably want to be in Tokyo or Paris. 284 00:14:44,980 --> 00:14:48,390 I probably want to be in Argentina. 285 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,330 Argentina? 286 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,000 Or Tokyo or Paris. 287 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,010 We have an expiration date, don't we? 288 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,010 Oh,my God. 289 00:14:56,050 --> 00:14:59,200 Lily,you can't manipulate people like that! 290 00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:03,420 I - I've known you 12 years, and I can honestly say, I have never been more furious at you! 291 00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:06,210 - Look,I didn't mean to...I was just... - No! I don't even want to hear it! 292 00:15:07,380 --> 00:15:09,380 Settle down! Let's just settle down! 293 00:15:09,390 --> 00:15:11,780 Now,I have one question. 294 00:15:11,820 --> 00:15:13,350 What do these bad boys feel like in bed? 295 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:15,190 Come on. Let's go see. 296 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:19,540 So,if it weren't for you, Ted and I might still be dating? 297 00:15:19,550 --> 00:15:22,390 Or you would have stayed together far too long, 298 00:15:22,430 --> 00:15:26,340 had an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remained friends, 299 00:15:26,370 --> 00:15:29,850 and then you and I would never have become best friends. 300 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:32,780 Don't even say that. Okay? 301 00:15:32,790 --> 00:15:34,340 Stop hugging! 302 00:15:34,380 --> 00:15:38,610 Lily,you had no right to interfere in my relationships. 303 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:39,690 You got lucky. Okay? 304 00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:43,090 You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18. 305 00:15:43,140 --> 00:15:44,810 But that doesn't give you the right to play God 306 00:15:44,870 --> 00:15:48,360 to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. 307 00:15:48,370 --> 00:15:51,660 You're so concerned about who you and Marshall are gonna end up on that front porch with. 308 00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:53,470 Well,you know what? 309 00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:56,040 You can have it to yourselves. 310 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,990 What happened to your jacket? 311 00:16:02,030 --> 00:16:05,440 Oh,soot,bread crumbs, placenta. 312 00:16:05,450 --> 00:16:08,480 Did you at least TiVo it? 313 00:16:09,990 --> 00:16:14,150 So you're this comfy every night, and Lily still has sex with you? 314 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:17,500 Yeah. That's what marriage is all about,man,unconditional love. 315 00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:20,210 You can wear whatever you want and still get laid. 316 00:16:21,010 --> 00:16:23,620 Tell me more about being married. 317 00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,320 Well,sometimes, when you're married, 318 00:16:26,330 --> 00:16:29,440 you wake up to the smell of breakfast already on the table. 319 00:16:29,470 --> 00:16:31,880 - And coffee,too? - And coffee,too. 320 00:16:31,890 --> 00:16:36,780 Sometimes,she'll even put out a vase of freshly cut flowers. 321 00:16:36,820 --> 00:16:39,560 I love flowers. 322 00:16:39,950 --> 00:16:43,480 And sometimes, when you're worried you've made all the wrong decisions in life 323 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:47,610 and you're not nearly the man you want to be, what does she do then? 324 00:16:47,620 --> 00:16:52,240 Well, she tells you that you're great and it's all gonna be okay. 325 00:16:52,250 --> 00:16:54,550 That's wonderful. 326 00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:59,120 And she'll help you find other girls to have sex with? 327 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,310 I mean,I guess. 328 00:17:03,350 --> 00:17:06,500 Maybe if you agreed upon that beforehand,yeah. 329 00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:10,670 Little guy had a big day. 330 00:17:10,710 --> 00:17:12,360 We'll talk about it tomorrow. 331 00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:14,680 Sweet dreams,slugger. 332 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,900 The next night,I was still angry at your aunt Lily. 333 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,630 Until... 334 00:17:35,700 --> 00:17:37,760 What are you... 335 00:17:39,700 --> 00:17:42,300 Lily came by and explained everything. 336 00:17:42,310 --> 00:17:45,220 And she gave me this note for you. 337 00:17:49,330 --> 00:17:50,890 "Ted,I'm sorry. 338 00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,310 "It doesn't matter to me who you marry. 339 00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:57,170 "I know they'll be awesome because they'll think you are. 340 00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:01,760 "To show I mean it,I put together a little surprise "for you and Karen upstairs. 341 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,110 Love,Lily." 342 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:05,890 "P.S.Sorry the envelope was already open. 343 00:18:05,930 --> 00:18:09,060 "I had to read what she wrote. Marshall." 344 00:18:09,690 --> 00:18:11,500 Sabotaging our relationship? 345 00:18:11,540 --> 00:18:16,740 I got to say,even using the specially-ordered extra-low bar by which I judge your friends, 346 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:18,930 Lily really outdid herself this time. 347 00:18:18,970 --> 00:18:21,370 Obviously,we can't ever see her again. 348 00:18:21,380 --> 00:18:24,340 I know. It's a big loss,right? 349 00:18:28,350 --> 00:18:31,300 Hey,remember your old college roommate? 350 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:35,240 He was married to that shrill little idiot girl. 351 00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:39,250 Marshall. Oh,it's been so long. 352 00:18:39,260 --> 00:18:41,540 God,I hated him. 353 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:44,050 Anyway,here's his obituary. 354 00:18:45,690 --> 00:18:49,780 And I realized, maybe it shouldn't matter what my friends think of my girlfriend, 355 00:18:49,810 --> 00:18:53,840 but it sure as hell matters what my girlfriend thinks of my friends. 356 00:18:54,690 --> 00:18:56,970 - So you ended it? - Yeah. 357 00:18:58,580 --> 00:19:02,690 So if you want to be my plus one, Lily's a damn good cook. 358 00:19:03,570 --> 00:19:07,730 Beef pot pie, mac and cheese, homemade buttermilk biscuits. 359 00:19:07,770 --> 00:19:10,870 Well, no wonder Marshall dies at 68. 360 00:19:12,710 --> 00:19:14,100 Thank you. 361 00:19:14,140 --> 00:19:16,770 So,Robin and I enjoyed a gourmet dinner. 362 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,630 Well,for her it was breakfast. 363 00:19:18,660 --> 00:19:22,390 And we ended up doing exactly what Lily wanted us to do all along: 364 00:19:22,410 --> 00:19:24,840 we talked about our relationship. 365 00:19:25,420 --> 00:19:29,610 - So,Lily broke us up,sort of. - Yeah. 366 00:19:30,740 --> 00:19:33,340 - Kind of makes you wonder. - Yeah. 367 00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:38,320 I mean,if it weren't for her, would we still be dating right now? 368 00:19:38,620 --> 00:19:40,900 Maybe. 369 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:44,540 But Lily was right. We weren't ready. 370 00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:47,430 We both need to move on, do our own thing. 371 00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:50,960 Still do,I guess. 372 00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:54,450 We should make a pact. 373 00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:59,390 If the years go by, and we both turn 40, and we're still single... 374 00:20:05,740 --> 00:20:08,250 Robin Scherbatsky... 375 00:20:08,260 --> 00:20:11,420 will you be my backup wife? 376 00:20:11,450 --> 00:20:13,770 A girl always dreams of hearing those words. 377 00:20:13,810 --> 00:20:17,400 Yes! Yes! A million times,yes! 378 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,650 - All right,it's a deal. - Yeah. 379 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,010 So,should we set up some ground rules for this? 380 00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:30,760 Okay,like what? 381 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,770 I don't know. Like neither one of us can get super fat. Stuff like that. 382 00:20:33,780 --> 00:20:36,250 Okay,I only have one: you can't wear a nightshirt. 383 00:20:36,290 --> 00:20:39,720 - I will never wear a nightshirt. - Thank God. 384 00:20:56,570 --> 00:20:58,490 Never mind. 385 00:20:58,810 --> 00:21:01,030 No!