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00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:03,400
Kids, the spring of 2008
was a pretty great time for me.
2
00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,200
Stella and I
had started dating,
3
00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:06,800
and I'd just gotten
a big raise at work,
4
00:00:06,900 --> 00:00:08,200
so I decided
to purchase something
5
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:10,400
I knew it would be
the envy of all my friends.
6
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A new car!
7
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,000
Ted, this is New York City,
you're never gonna drive it.
8
00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:17,100
This is a really,
really stupid purchase,
9
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:20,300
and, and I'm sorry,
but none of us can support it.
10
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:21,800
Shotgun for eternity!
11
00:00:21,900 --> 00:00:24,600
- You can't call shotgun for eternity.
- I just called it.
12
00:00:24,700 --> 00:00:26,100
You can't just call things, Barney.
13
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I call that I can call things!
14
00:00:27,900 --> 00:00:29,000
Hey, baby.
15
00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:31,000
Beer.
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00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:32,700
Are you okay?
17
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,300
Beer.
18
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:43,600
Okay, what happened?
19
00:00:43,700 --> 00:00:44,800
They always told me that...
20
00:00:44,900 --> 00:00:47,400
that working at a big law firm
was like being at war.
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00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,100
You get out of law school,
it's like getting out of boot camp.
22
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,800
That first day at work,
you're storming the beaches,
23
00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:54,300
full of piss and vinegar...
24
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:57,200
- Dude, we're lawyers now.
- Totally.
25
00:00:57,300 --> 00:00:58,900
We've got briefcases and everything.
26
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:00,700
Freakin' briefcases.
27
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,100
- You have anything in yours?
- Totally empty. You?
28
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:04,500
Candy bars.
29
00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:11,100
Then you get in the trenches
side by side with your buddies
30
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,700
and you feel a sense of camaraderie.
31
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:14,300
But before too long...
32
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:15,400
Hey, Marshall.
33
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:16,700
...the shells start to fall.
34
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:17,700
Hello, Arthur.
35
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,900
Arthur Hobbes is one of the
senior partners at my firm, and
36
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:23,500
he's... he's my boss.
37
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,300
He seems like a nice guy,
but he's got a nickname...
38
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,000
Artillery Arthur.
39
00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:30,800
How's your morning going?
40
00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:32,700
It's going fine, how is yours?
41
00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:34,300
Not too bad, not too bad.
42
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,100
Hey, is Ferguson in yet?
43
00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:38,600
He is, he's in,
just in his office next door.
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00:01:38,700 --> 00:01:40,600
That's great.
Have a good one, buddy.
45
00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:41,800
You, too.
46
00:01:43,900 --> 00:01:45,700
You never know
who's gonna get hit...
47
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,100
Hey, Ferguson!
48
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,400
I read your report,
and it's complete crap!
49
00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:51,700
No, you know what?
That's an insult to crap.
50
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:55,100
If crap could eat and then
crap stuff out, it's that!
51
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,700
Your report is the crap
that crap craps!
52
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:01,500
If you last two more days here,
I'll be shocked!
53
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:02,300
Shocked!
54
00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,000
It was brutal,
55
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,700
but the worst was
a few minutes later.
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00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:11,300
Did you hear that?
57
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,000
Yeah, sorry.
58
00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:19,300
Can you believe he did that on
Take Your Daughter to Work Day?
59
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:24,800
So that brings us to today.
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00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:26,000
Oh, no.
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00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:26,900
A little background.
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00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:28,700
So I'm working on
this report called
63
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,900
"Using 23-b-3 Spurious
Class Action Precedent to
64
00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:33,900
"Contest a Class Certification Order
65
00:02:34,100 --> 00:02:36,400
Based On A Lack of Commonality,
Numerosity..."
66
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:37,500
Dude, you lost us.
67
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,100
Can't you just call it something cool
like "the Ninja Report"?
68
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,100
Okay. Yeah, fine, whatever.
69
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,600
Um, so I'm supposed to turn in
"the Ninja Report" yesterday.
70
00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:47,300
- Awesome.
- Cool.
71
00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:50,000
But I got insanely busy
with other stuff,
72
00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:52,100
I didn't get a chance to finish it,
73
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,000
and then this morning...
74
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:55,700
- Hey, Ferguson.
- Hey, Arthur.
75
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,300
- How's your day going?
- I gotta go.
76
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,800
- Great. How is yours?
- Great, great.
77
00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:01,000
Hey, is Marshall in yet?
78
00:03:01,100 --> 00:03:02,100
Oh, thank God.
79
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,400
Yeah, he's right in there.
80
00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:06,800
Fantastic.
Have a good one, buddy.
81
00:03:09,700 --> 00:03:11,200
And then...
82
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,000
He screamed at me.
83
00:03:13,100 --> 00:03:14,900
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
84
00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:16,800
What, that's it?
85
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,100
You're upset because
a guy talked loudly near you?
86
00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:22,700
Barney, I have never been
screamed at like that in my life.
87
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,300
Come on, when's the last time
you got screamed at at work?
88
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:27,500
I got screamed at
three times today.
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00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:28,500
Once in Korean.
90
00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:31,700
This is corporate America, Marshall.
91
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,400
Screaming is a motivational tool,
92
00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:36,200
like christmas bonuses
or sexual harassment.
93
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,900
It's just good business.
94
00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:41,100
Oh, baby, it's just not fair.
95
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,400
You've been working so hard.
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00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:46,000
Late nights, weekends.
97
00:03:46,300 --> 00:03:48,400
I never see you.
98
00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:53,800
We've barely made love in weeks.
99
00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,000
It's bad, guys.
Mama needs her sugar.
100
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,300
Look, Marshall,
he screamed at you, you took it.
101
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,000
He probably
respects you more for it.
102
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,200
Yeah, about that...
103
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:12,200
So Arthur's busy giving me
the full screaming treatment...
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00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:15,500
Face turning red,
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00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,200
vein in his forehead
about to burst,
106
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:21,000
spittle flying like shrapnel.
107
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:24,600
Everyone you work with
walking by your office, peering in.
108
00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:32,200
And suddenly, I just
felt all of it.
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00:04:32,500 --> 00:04:33,600
All of what?
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00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:35,200
All of it.
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00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:38,000
The fact that I became a lawyer
to save the environment,
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00:04:38,100 --> 00:04:40,400
end now I'm working
for the bad guys instead.
113
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:42,600
The fact that
I am stuck in this job
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00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:44,400
because of a mortgage
I can barely afford
115
00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:46,600
on an apartment
that is crooked.
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00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:48,400
The fact that I am a grown man,
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00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:50,700
and nobody,
not even Artillery Arthur,
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00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,300
has the right to
talk to me like that!
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00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,500
I begged my body not to do it.
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00:04:57,800 --> 00:04:59,700
But it was no use.
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00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:04,700
Oh, God,
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00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,500
I just... I just...
123
00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:16,900
Just because you weren't
around for this,
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00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,200
I called shotgun
for all eternity in Ted's car.
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00:05:21,506 --> 00:05:24,006
Sync by vNaru
126
00:05:35,917 --> 00:05:39,617
Dude, I can't believe you cried
in front of your boss.
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00:05:39,717 --> 00:05:41,117
I don't know what happened.
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00:05:41,217 --> 00:05:43,417
There's just something about
being yelled at like that,
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00:05:43,517 --> 00:05:45,717
like I was being
scolded by my dad.
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00:05:45,817 --> 00:05:48,517
Suddenly...
suddenly I was a little boy.
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00:05:48,617 --> 00:05:51,017
Is "boy" the right word?
132
00:05:51,417 --> 00:05:53,817
I felt absolutely powerless.
133
00:05:53,917 --> 00:05:57,017
Flaccid. Hell, I...
I felt castrated.
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00:05:57,117 --> 00:05:58,717
God, you're hot right now.
135
00:05:59,517 --> 00:06:02,217
And the worst thing is, tomorrow morning
I have to walk into Arthur's office
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00:06:02,317 --> 00:06:04,117
and give him the Ninja Report.
137
00:06:04,217 --> 00:06:06,617
- Ooh. ooh.
- Ninjas are cool.
138
00:06:06,717 --> 00:06:09,117
How the hell am I supposed
to face this guy again?
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00:06:10,017 --> 00:06:12,117
Here's what I would do
if I were you.
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00:06:13,317 --> 00:06:14,217
Hi, Arthur.
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00:06:14,317 --> 00:06:17,317
Hello, Marshall. Have you finally
finished the Ninja Report?
142
00:06:17,517 --> 00:06:19,417
Yeah, I got it.
143
00:06:20,517 --> 00:06:21,917
Right here.
144
00:06:23,617 --> 00:06:26,017
I think it's gonna blow you away.
145
00:06:27,017 --> 00:06:29,017
Please, I have a family.
146
00:06:29,217 --> 00:06:30,617
So we good?
147
00:06:31,017 --> 00:06:32,417
We're so good.
148
00:06:32,617 --> 00:06:35,517
Then why are you still
in my office?
149
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:45,217
Okay, gun violence might be the answer
to everything up in Canada, Robin,
150
00:06:45,817 --> 00:06:48,617
but here in America,
we solve our problems with words.
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00:06:48,717 --> 00:06:51,617
Marshall, you go in
and you dazzle this guy
152
00:06:51,717 --> 00:06:54,617
with a big eloquent speech
defending human dignity.
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00:06:54,817 --> 00:06:56,017
Like Abraham Lincoln.
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00:06:56,117 --> 00:06:59,117
Yeah, because it's so easy
just to bust out
155
00:06:59,217 --> 00:07:01,417
a big, eloquent speech
off the top of your head.
156
00:07:02,717 --> 00:07:03,917
Observe.
157
00:07:04,317 --> 00:07:06,317
- Arthur?
- What do you want, Marshall?
158
00:07:06,417 --> 00:07:08,317
Justice, sir.
159
00:07:08,403 --> 00:07:10,903
You see, we are all born
with certain incontrovertible rights,
160
00:07:11,003 --> 00:07:13,703
the most fundamentally
paramount of which is the right...
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00:07:15,199 --> 00:07:17,299
Wait, you can't be
fundamentally paramount.
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00:07:17,399 --> 00:07:19,099
One means highest,
one means lowest.
163
00:07:19,199 --> 00:07:20,999
You are nailing this.
164
00:07:21,299 --> 00:07:23,499
Human beings have rights,
165
00:07:23,599 --> 00:07:25,999
and those rights are, um...
166
00:07:26,399 --> 00:07:28,199
You got me hooked, reel me in.
167
00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:30,299
There are certain justices
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00:07:30,399 --> 00:07:32,399
that cannot or will not
169
00:07:32,499 --> 00:07:35,399
be inalienable... as such...
170
00:07:35,899 --> 00:07:37,199
for the future.
171
00:07:37,299 --> 00:07:39,299
Stuck the landing...
Bravo!
172
00:07:39,399 --> 00:07:40,499
Thank you.
173
00:07:42,199 --> 00:07:45,699
Security's gonna rough you up
a bit on the way out.
174
00:07:48,299 --> 00:07:51,099
Guys, guys,
this is not helping, okay?
175
00:07:51,199 --> 00:07:53,799
I can't have some
big confrontation with Arthur.
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00:07:53,899 --> 00:07:55,999
I need this job,
I... I need the money.
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00:07:56,199 --> 00:07:58,299
Yeah, but how good would it feel
to walk in there tomorrow,
178
00:07:58,399 --> 00:08:00,899
- tell him off and then quit?
- It's great to fantasize about,
179
00:08:00,999 --> 00:08:03,099
but nobody ever actually does it.
180
00:08:03,199 --> 00:08:04,799
Gary Blauman did it.
181
00:08:05,399 --> 00:08:08,199
Guy I used to work with,
the guy's a legend now.
182
00:08:08,299 --> 00:08:09,599
We were at the morning meeting
183
00:08:09,699 --> 00:08:12,599
and old Blauman
was getting reamed out but good.
184
00:08:12,899 --> 00:08:14,599
Pretty much routine
at the morning meeting,
185
00:08:14,699 --> 00:08:18,499
but then, on this particular day,
something amazing happened.
186
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:19,899
You made yourself look bad,
187
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:22,499
you made this company look bad,
and quite frankly,
188
00:08:22,599 --> 00:08:25,999
you made our friends,
the North Koreans, look bad!
189
00:08:26,099 --> 00:08:28,899
And I'll tell you something else,
Blauman, if you think for one...
190
00:08:29,099 --> 00:08:30,499
You know what, Bilson?
191
00:08:30,699 --> 00:08:32,599
You can kiss my ass.
192
00:08:32,699 --> 00:08:34,499
Oh, snap.
193
00:08:34,699 --> 00:08:36,699
- What?
- You heard me.
194
00:08:36,799 --> 00:08:39,299
I don't need to take
your crap anymore.
195
00:08:39,399 --> 00:08:41,499
My cousin's website
went public today,
196
00:08:41,599 --> 00:08:43,799
and I made a pile of money
on the IPO,
197
00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:47,799
so you know what I think
of this whole damn company?
198
00:08:50,899 --> 00:08:54,399
- Oh, my God.
- He peed on the conference table?
199
00:08:55,699 --> 00:08:59,399
Come on, come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on...
200
00:08:59,999 --> 00:09:01,599
Uh, look,
could you guys just...
201
00:09:01,699 --> 00:09:04,399
look away for a second
till I get started?
202
00:09:05,599 --> 00:09:06,599
Come on.
203
00:09:08,599 --> 00:09:10,299
Does this help?
204
00:09:11,299 --> 00:09:13,599
Eventually, he just gave up and left.
205
00:09:13,699 --> 00:09:15,799
And then his cousin's website tanked.
206
00:09:15,899 --> 00:09:18,199
And then he became a janitor
at an old folks' home
207
00:09:18,299 --> 00:09:22,099
and moved into a one-room apartment
above a bowling alley.
208
00:09:23,899 --> 00:09:25,899
That's it?
That's the end of the story?
209
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:28,099
No, no, of course not.
He died.
210
00:09:28,799 --> 00:09:30,299
How does that help me?
211
00:09:30,499 --> 00:09:31,999
How does any of this help me?
212
00:09:32,099 --> 00:09:34,299
Can somebody,
for God's sakes,
213
00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:37,099
please give me
one piece of useful advice?
214
00:09:37,399 --> 00:09:38,999
Lily, control your woman.
215
00:09:40,599 --> 00:09:43,399
The lesson of Blauman
is that when your boss
216
00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:45,699
screams at you,
you never scream back.
217
00:09:45,799 --> 00:09:48,199
That's why there's a little thing
in corporate America
218
00:09:48,299 --> 00:09:50,899
I like to call
the Chain of Screaming.
219
00:09:51,099 --> 00:09:52,799
- Chain of Screaming?
- Yes.
220
00:09:52,899 --> 00:09:55,499
The Chain of Screaming
starts at the top.
221
00:09:55,599 --> 00:09:58,599
Arthur's boss's boss
screams at Arthur's boss.
222
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:01,099
Arthur's boss screams at Arthur.
223
00:10:01,199 --> 00:10:03,299
Arthur screams at you.
224
00:10:03,699 --> 00:10:05,799
You go home and scream at Lily.
225
00:10:05,899 --> 00:10:10,099
Lily screams at one of the kids
in her kindergarten class.
226
00:10:10,199 --> 00:10:13,399
Then that kid
screams at her dad,
227
00:10:13,499 --> 00:10:15,999
Arthur's boss's boss.
228
00:10:16,099 --> 00:10:18,599
And the whole thing
starts all over again,
229
00:10:18,699 --> 00:10:21,699
thus completing
the Circle of Screaming.
230
00:10:21,899 --> 00:10:23,599
I thought it was
a Chain of Screaming.
231
00:10:23,699 --> 00:10:26,099
It's a circle, Ted,
I called it a circle.
232
00:10:26,199 --> 00:10:27,899
I don't scream at Lily.
233
00:10:27,999 --> 00:10:29,999
And I don't scream at my kids,
234
00:10:30,099 --> 00:10:32,899
none of whom have parents
who work at Marshall's firm.
235
00:10:32,999 --> 00:10:34,399
So it's not a circle.
236
00:10:34,499 --> 00:10:36,799
Fine. You want it to be
a Chain of Screaming,
237
00:10:36,899 --> 00:10:38,199
it's a chain of screaming.
238
00:10:38,299 --> 00:10:40,099
I came up with the circle idea
halfway through,
239
00:10:40,199 --> 00:10:41,799
cause I thought it was
a more elegant metaphor,
240
00:10:41,899 --> 00:10:43,199
but fine, ruin it!
241
00:10:43,399 --> 00:10:45,299
You guys always undermine me
242
00:10:45,499 --> 00:10:47,299
when I'm trying to make a point,
and I'm sick of it!
243
00:10:47,399 --> 00:10:50,699
God, I'm surrounded by idiots!
244
00:10:50,799 --> 00:10:52,099
Idiots!
245
00:10:54,999 --> 00:10:57,299
See, doesn't everyone
feel better now?
246
00:10:57,899 --> 00:10:59,799
Lily, I need your take on this.
What...
247
00:10:59,899 --> 00:11:01,199
what should I do?
248
00:11:01,299 --> 00:11:03,099
Well, what I teach
my kids in kindergarten...
249
00:11:03,299 --> 00:11:04,599
Oh, God.
250
00:11:04,899 --> 00:11:07,599
...is, when
dealing with a bully,
251
00:11:07,699 --> 00:11:10,899
the most important thing is
to be constructive and positive.
252
00:11:11,899 --> 00:11:13,799
- Hello, Arthur.
- Hello, Marshall.
253
00:11:14,099 --> 00:11:17,099
I have the Ninja Report right here.
254
00:11:17,199 --> 00:11:21,199
But Arthur, in the future, if you want
someone to do their best work,
255
00:11:21,699 --> 00:11:24,899
try to motivate them,
not with fear and intimidation,
256
00:11:24,999 --> 00:11:28,599
but through encouragement,
inspiration and respect.
257
00:11:29,999 --> 00:11:33,099
Well said, Marshall,
I... I needed to hear that.
258
00:11:34,399 --> 00:11:36,799
By the way, I saw your wife's
picture in your office.
259
00:11:36,899 --> 00:11:38,699
That is one tasty slice.
260
00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:40,599
Oh, you're damn right.
261
00:11:40,699 --> 00:11:42,599
You know what I'm gonna do
when I get home?
262
00:11:42,699 --> 00:11:43,699
Oh, yeah.
263
00:11:43,799 --> 00:11:45,999
I'm gonna rip that girl's clothes off...
264
00:11:46,199 --> 00:11:46,899
That's it.
265
00:11:46,999 --> 00:11:48,899
...just throw her on the bed...
266
00:11:48,999 --> 00:11:50,399
That's where she belongs.
267
00:11:50,599 --> 00:11:53,299
...and drive her home
like a pack of sled dogs!
268
00:11:57,899 --> 00:11:59,599
It's bad, guys.
269
00:11:59,699 --> 00:12:00,999
Mama needs it bad.
270
00:12:03,099 --> 00:12:05,299
You're right, baby,
it's about respect.
271
00:12:05,399 --> 00:12:08,099
That is the first useful thing
anyone's said to me tonight.
272
00:12:08,199 --> 00:12:09,599
Can you give me
that speech again?
273
00:12:09,699 --> 00:12:11,199
I'm gonna drive her home
like a pack of...
274
00:12:11,299 --> 00:12:12,499
No, the other part, please.
275
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:14,999
I have the Ninja Report
right here, but...
276
00:12:15,199 --> 00:12:16,999
And it seemed like
that was the end of it,
277
00:12:17,099 --> 00:12:19,099
but it wasn't,
because the next night...
278
00:12:19,599 --> 00:12:22,599
Which of these carpets would
look better in the new apartment?
279
00:12:22,699 --> 00:12:24,499
I like the color
of this one, but...
280
00:12:24,599 --> 00:12:28,099
this one's so soft. It would
feel great on your bare feet...
281
00:12:28,699 --> 00:12:32,699
...or your bare back,
a bead of eager sweat
282
00:12:33,499 --> 00:12:36,299
rolling down
your trembling bosom.
283
00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:42,399
Lily, didn't we just go through
this with bathroom tiles?
284
00:12:45,199 --> 00:12:46,699
Shh, don't say my name.
285
00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:49,399
Lily can't know it's me.
Just pretend you're talking to Stella.
286
00:12:49,499 --> 00:12:50,699
Be all lovey dovey.
287
00:12:51,199 --> 00:12:52,299
Hey, Stella.
288
00:12:53,499 --> 00:12:55,599
Sweetie, how's it going?
289
00:12:56,199 --> 00:12:58,799
Not good, not good at all.
290
00:12:59,399 --> 00:13:00,099
Where are you right now?
291
00:13:00,799 --> 00:13:03,199
Right downstairs, come find me.
292
00:13:03,899 --> 00:13:04,999
Without Lily.
293
00:13:06,199 --> 00:13:07,499
Okay, I'll see you soon.
294
00:13:08,799 --> 00:13:09,899
I love you.
295
00:13:10,599 --> 00:13:11,599
I love you, too.
296
00:13:13,299 --> 00:13:16,599
Wow, you two are already
saying the "L" word, huh?
297
00:13:17,599 --> 00:13:18,399
Apparently.
298
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:20,799
You hitting that?
299
00:13:28,899 --> 00:13:31,799
- Oh, oh.
- I'm in trouble, Ted.
300
00:13:35,088 --> 00:13:36,988
Ted, I'm freakin' out, man.
301
00:13:38,388 --> 00:13:40,088
It's a new car,
so just be careful...
302
00:13:40,188 --> 00:13:42,888
I did something stupid...
can we just drive somewhere?
303
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:46,188
I need to get away, just drive,
man. Please just drive.
304
00:13:47,688 --> 00:13:49,388
It's just, this is
a really good parking spot.
305
00:13:49,388 --> 00:13:50,488
Dude!
306
00:13:50,488 --> 00:13:52,088
Look, just tell me
what happened first.
307
00:13:52,288 --> 00:13:53,988
Remember how I said
I was gonna give that
308
00:13:54,088 --> 00:13:56,388
big speech that Lily told me
to give, be firm but respectful?
309
00:13:56,488 --> 00:13:58,288
Well, it didn't totally go that way.
310
00:13:58,388 --> 00:14:00,088
There is a lot of ketchup
on that burger.
311
00:14:00,488 --> 00:14:02,688
Sorry... what happened?
312
00:14:02,888 --> 00:14:04,288
After we all finished
talking last night,
313
00:14:04,388 --> 00:14:06,988
I went to the diner to finish
working on the Ninja Report.
314
00:14:08,688 --> 00:14:09,888
Hey, Marshall.
315
00:14:12,188 --> 00:14:13,688
How long have you been
sitting there?
316
00:14:13,788 --> 00:14:16,288
If you go in there with
Lily's kindergarten nonsense,
317
00:14:16,388 --> 00:14:17,888
you're gonna get torn apart.
318
00:14:17,988 --> 00:14:19,588
I'm here to save your life.
You hungry?
319
00:14:20,088 --> 00:14:22,588
- Yeah, I was just about to order.
- What do you want ?
320
00:14:22,688 --> 00:14:24,288
A BLT and gravy fries.
321
00:14:25,288 --> 00:14:26,988
Okay, friends,
what do you like?
322
00:14:27,188 --> 00:14:29,088
A green tea with lemon for me,
323
00:14:29,188 --> 00:14:30,588
and for my friend here,
324
00:14:30,688 --> 00:14:32,188
- the meatloaf, please.
- Very good.
325
00:14:33,488 --> 00:14:35,688
- No, I didn't want meatloaf.
- Marshall,
326
00:14:35,988 --> 00:14:37,788
the Chain of Screaming
is a real thing.
327
00:14:38,388 --> 00:14:41,388
Arthur screamed at you, now
you have to scream at someone else.
328
00:14:41,688 --> 00:14:43,588
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do,
329
00:14:43,688 --> 00:14:45,888
or else that anger
is gonna eat you alive.
330
00:14:46,688 --> 00:14:48,788
Who would I even scream at?
331
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,088
I don't know.
332
00:14:50,188 --> 00:14:52,588
How about somebody
who's disappointed you?
333
00:14:52,688 --> 00:14:54,588
Someone who's let you down.
334
00:14:54,688 --> 00:14:57,488
Someone who's gonna
bring you meatloaf
335
00:14:57,588 --> 00:15:02,588
when you explicitly ordered
a BLT and gravy fries.
336
00:15:05,488 --> 00:15:06,188
No.
337
00:15:07,688 --> 00:15:09,688
I was just heading to the bar.
What are you guys doing here ?
338
00:15:09,888 --> 00:15:11,388
I was just telling Ted a story.
339
00:15:11,488 --> 00:15:13,088
I like stories.
340
00:15:14,188 --> 00:15:15,288
You want a lick?
341
00:15:15,888 --> 00:15:16,588
What?
342
00:15:17,588 --> 00:15:19,088
Is that ice cream cone big enough?
343
00:15:19,188 --> 00:15:20,988
Uh, it's delicious enough.
344
00:15:21,988 --> 00:15:24,288
Okay, so...
Then I say to barney...
345
00:15:24,688 --> 00:15:27,388
I'm not gonna scream at
the waiter, Barney.
346
00:15:27,488 --> 00:15:28,888
Yes, you are.
347
00:15:29,088 --> 00:15:32,888
That waiter is every boss
and every bully
348
00:15:32,988 --> 00:15:35,188
who ever embarrassed
or belittled you.
349
00:15:35,488 --> 00:15:38,988
And how dare he deny you
the one thing that you want,
350
00:15:39,088 --> 00:15:41,288
that would make you happy
at this moment.
351
00:15:41,388 --> 00:15:43,488
A BLT and gravy fries.
352
00:15:43,988 --> 00:15:46,888
One green tea with lemon,
353
00:15:47,188 --> 00:15:48,988
one meatloaf.
354
00:15:49,088 --> 00:15:50,788
Enjoy, my friends.
355
00:15:51,188 --> 00:15:51,888
Marshall.
356
00:15:52,888 --> 00:15:53,888
Excuse me?
357
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:56,488
Yes?
358
00:15:57,488 --> 00:15:58,988
This is not what I ordered.
359
00:15:59,688 --> 00:16:00,788
Yes, it is.
360
00:16:03,988 --> 00:16:05,788
I beg your pardon, sir,
361
00:16:06,188 --> 00:16:08,788
but I ordered a BLT
and gravy fries,
362
00:16:09,088 --> 00:16:11,188
And as the customer,
I'm always right, so...
363
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:14,888
No, no, I am not going
to stand here and take this!
364
00:16:15,188 --> 00:16:18,588
I am at the end of a triple shift,
that's 18 hours!
365
00:16:18,888 --> 00:16:22,088
And then I have to take two trains
and a bus to Astoria
366
00:16:22,188 --> 00:16:25,188
to have my wife scream at me
because I'm never home.
367
00:16:25,288 --> 00:16:28,288
No, no, you eat
your damn meatloaf!
368
00:16:31,388 --> 00:16:32,888
Hey, what are you guys
doing out here?
369
00:16:33,088 --> 00:16:34,788
Oh sweet, can I get a toot?
370
00:16:34,888 --> 00:16:36,388
Against car rules,
this is against car rules!
371
00:16:36,488 --> 00:16:38,488
Oh, Ted, relax, it's Cuban.
372
00:16:38,588 --> 00:16:40,888
People pay to have their car
smell like this.
373
00:16:40,988 --> 00:16:42,488
Well, that's just not true.
374
00:16:42,588 --> 00:16:44,288
Oh, Marshall,
switch seats with me.
375
00:16:44,488 --> 00:16:47,388
- I called shotgun for all eternity.
- You can't call shotgun for eternity.
376
00:16:47,488 --> 00:16:49,388
- Well, that's funny, cause I did!
- It's case by case.
377
00:16:49,588 --> 00:16:53,188
Guys, I'm telling
a life-altering story here!
378
00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:55,988
A 20% tip, really, for that waiter?
379
00:16:56,088 --> 00:16:57,888
I don't know, Barney,
he worked a triple...
380
00:16:57,988 --> 00:16:59,388
- it just...
- I can't believe... you know what ?
381
00:16:59,488 --> 00:17:01,188
If you're not gonna yell
at the waiter,
382
00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:02,088
Yell at me.
383
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,488
- What?
- Yell at me.
384
00:17:03,888 --> 00:17:05,388
I'm not gonna yell at you,
Barney.
385
00:17:05,488 --> 00:17:07,688
What, you think
you're gonna upset me?
386
00:17:07,788 --> 00:17:09,388
Please, give me your best shot.
387
00:17:09,888 --> 00:17:11,988
Okay, fine, what,
you want me to yell at you?
388
00:17:13,388 --> 00:17:16,288
This is me
yelling at you, Barney.
389
00:17:16,588 --> 00:17:19,588
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you
over the sound of a butterfly
390
00:17:19,688 --> 00:17:22,288
landing on a leaf
about three blocks away.
391
00:17:22,388 --> 00:17:24,888
This is me
yelling at you, Barney!
392
00:17:25,088 --> 00:17:27,988
Okay, you got some volume,
now give me some content.
393
00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:29,288
Make it hurt.
394
00:17:29,888 --> 00:17:32,488
You don't look as good in suits
as you think you do!
395
00:17:32,788 --> 00:17:34,288
No, something that's true.
Come on.
396
00:17:34,588 --> 00:17:37,188
The man made you cry.
Make me cry.
397
00:17:37,288 --> 00:17:38,588
Your mom's a slut!
398
00:17:38,688 --> 00:17:39,988
Yes.
399
00:17:40,188 --> 00:17:42,888
Your mom's a slut,
and I'm sorry, Barney,
400
00:17:42,988 --> 00:17:45,388
but you and your brother
clearly have different fathers,
401
00:17:45,488 --> 00:17:48,688
And you know why? It's probably
because your mom is a slutty slut!
402
00:17:48,888 --> 00:17:51,288
- Keep going.
- I don't care what you say.
403
00:17:51,388 --> 00:17:53,188
Bob Barker is not your father!
404
00:17:53,288 --> 00:17:55,388
Okay, now, well,
that's just not cool.
405
00:17:55,588 --> 00:17:56,888
Oh my Bod, Barney,
I'm so sorry...
406
00:17:56,988 --> 00:17:58,288
No, I'm kidding...
Keep going.
407
00:17:58,388 --> 00:17:59,988
Bob Barker's not your father!
408
00:18:00,088 --> 00:18:03,788
You've concocted this delusional idea
that a game show host
409
00:18:03,888 --> 00:18:05,388
Is your real father,
and he's not!
410
00:18:05,488 --> 00:18:07,388
You were abandoned, Barney!
411
00:18:07,688 --> 00:18:09,188
You were abandoned,
and you never dealt with it,
412
00:18:09,288 --> 00:18:11,588
and so now you never
allow yourself to feel anything,
413
00:18:11,688 --> 00:18:13,788
and that's how you survive
in this corporate world,
414
00:18:13,888 --> 00:18:16,888
and if I keep heading down this path,
I'm gonna turn into you!
415
00:18:17,288 --> 00:18:19,688
And I don't want that!
416
00:18:19,788 --> 00:18:21,588
I don't want any of this!
417
00:18:21,688 --> 00:18:23,388
This is not why
I became a lawyer.
418
00:18:23,488 --> 00:18:26,488
This is not the person
that I wanted to be.
419
00:18:26,588 --> 00:18:28,588
I quit, Arthur!
420
00:18:28,688 --> 00:18:30,688
I quit!
421
00:18:33,288 --> 00:18:37,088
Well, thank you, Eriksen,
I needed to hear that.
422
00:18:38,188 --> 00:18:40,588
Really, 'cause I didn't mean to attack
you personally, it's just that I...
423
00:18:40,788 --> 00:18:42,788
No, no, no, the part
where you said, "I quit."
424
00:18:42,888 --> 00:18:45,588
Now we don't have to
pay you a severance package.
425
00:18:47,088 --> 00:18:49,688
Uh, security's gonna rough you up
a bit on the way out.
426
00:18:57,388 --> 00:18:58,688
Robin, you dropped
a little ice cream...
427
00:18:58,888 --> 00:18:59,688
Dude!
428
00:18:59,788 --> 00:19:00,888
I'm sorry.
429
00:19:00,988 --> 00:19:02,588
Don't blame this on me,
Marshall.
430
00:19:02,788 --> 00:19:04,988
I told you to yell
at someone beneath you.
431
00:19:05,088 --> 00:19:06,488
The Circle of Screaming is...
432
00:19:06,988 --> 00:19:08,688
The Chain of Scr...
433
00:19:09,088 --> 00:19:11,288
Pyramid,
the Pyramid of Screaming!
434
00:19:11,388 --> 00:19:12,988
The Pyramid of Screaming.
435
00:19:13,188 --> 00:19:15,188
How am I supposed to tell Lily?
436
00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:17,588
She supported me through
three years of law school,
437
00:19:17,688 --> 00:19:20,388
and now is the time when
I'm supposed to pay her back.
438
00:19:20,488 --> 00:19:22,488
Now we're gonna lose the apartment.
439
00:19:22,588 --> 00:19:24,988
The place where we were
gonna raise our children.
440
00:19:25,088 --> 00:19:28,588
How am I supposed to tell the person who
I love more than anything in this world
441
00:19:28,688 --> 00:19:31,288
that I've just
thrown away our future?
442
00:19:35,688 --> 00:19:38,688
Everybody out, everybody out of
the new car! Out of the new car!
443
00:19:38,888 --> 00:19:41,288
Ted, screaming never solves anything.
444
00:19:42,188 --> 00:19:45,488
And so Marshall finally had
to tell Lily what happened.
445
00:19:45,588 --> 00:19:46,888
I'm so sorry.
446
00:19:47,988 --> 00:19:49,588
I just lost it.
447
00:19:49,988 --> 00:19:51,488
But I can fix it.
448
00:19:52,288 --> 00:19:56,188
First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna go
in there on my hands and knees and...
449
00:19:56,288 --> 00:19:57,988
and beg for my job back.
450
00:19:59,888 --> 00:20:00,888
No, you're not.
451
00:20:02,388 --> 00:20:03,088
What?
452
00:20:03,688 --> 00:20:07,288
Marshall, our future
isn't money or an apartment.
453
00:20:08,088 --> 00:20:11,888
And it's definitely not you being
miserable at that horrible job.
454
00:20:13,788 --> 00:20:16,488
I'm just happy
to have my husband back.
455
00:20:17,188 --> 00:20:18,788
We'll figure the rest out.
456
00:20:20,888 --> 00:20:22,088
I love you.
457
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:23,688
I love you, too.
458
00:20:26,188 --> 00:20:28,388
Ultimately, they were able
to make ends meet
459
00:20:28,488 --> 00:20:31,288
without going bust on
the apartment.
460
00:20:33,288 --> 00:20:35,388
- You sure about this?
- Yeah.
461
00:20:35,788 --> 00:20:37,588
Who needs a car
in New York City, right?
462
00:20:40,188 --> 00:20:41,788
- Ted, I don't think I can accept...
- Marshall,
463
00:20:41,888 --> 00:20:43,288
don't make me
scream at you.
464
00:20:46,588 --> 00:20:47,988
Thanks a lot, buddy.
465
00:20:51,288 --> 00:20:53,688
- You guys did it in the car, didn't...
- Oh yeah!
466
00:21:03,716 --> 00:21:05,536
Definitely this one