1 00:00:00,416 --> 00:00:03,822 Kids, I never wouldn't met your mother without a little luck 2 00:00:03,900 --> 00:00:05,425 Specifically the luck of the Irish 3 00:00:05,872 --> 00:00:07,519 Saint Patrick's Day 4 00:00:07,519 --> 00:00:10,188 The one day of the year when every young person in New York 5 00:00:10,188 --> 00:00:11,964 Go out and gets crazy 6 00:00:11,964 --> 00:00:13,364 Really Crazy 7 00:00:14,426 --> 00:00:16,526 Okay, maybe not that crazy 8 00:00:16,586 --> 00:00:18,986 But by 2008, we'd all had enough. 9 00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:20,786 Well, most of us. 10 00:00:20,986 --> 00:00:24,186 Who wants to kiss The Barney Stone? 11 00:00:24,186 --> 00:00:26,486 - Look, it's the Riddler. - That's not the Riddler. 12 00:00:26,486 --> 00:00:27,286 That's Gumby. 13 00:00:27,286 --> 00:00:29,386 Hey, Gumby, can we tie you in a knot later? 14 00:00:29,386 --> 00:00:32,686 Hey, NBA player sidelined by a knee injury? 15 00:00:32,786 --> 00:00:35,286 All right, laugh all you want, 16 00:00:35,286 --> 00:00:38,186 but this is my lucky St. Patty's Day suit. 17 00:00:38,186 --> 00:00:41,386 I have dry-cleaned many a stain off of this baby. 18 00:00:41,786 --> 00:00:43,086 You know why it's lucky? 19 00:00:43,086 --> 00:00:46,686 'Cause it's green, the color of go, as in let's. 20 00:00:46,686 --> 00:00:48,186 Uh, Barney, we, uh... 21 00:00:48,286 --> 00:00:50,086 we talked this over, and, uh, 22 00:00:50,086 --> 00:00:51,986 we're not doing St. Patty's Day this year. 23 00:00:53,186 --> 00:00:54,486 Come on. Let's... 24 00:00:55,186 --> 00:00:56,486 Are you s... 25 00:00:58,686 --> 00:01:00,186 Wow. Okay. 26 00:01:00,386 --> 00:01:01,986 I think I got to lie down. 27 00:01:01,986 --> 00:01:03,186 Can we shoot pool on you? 28 00:01:03,786 --> 00:01:05,486 No! No! 29 00:01:05,486 --> 00:01:06,786 Unacceptable! 30 00:01:06,786 --> 00:01:08,686 That's so not Raven! 31 00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:10,786 What are you gonna do instead? 32 00:01:10,786 --> 00:01:12,186 We just got the keys to our new apartment, 33 00:01:12,186 --> 00:01:14,286 so we're gonna go over there and hang up that painting, 34 00:01:14,286 --> 00:01:15,286 have board game night. 35 00:01:15,286 --> 00:01:16,686 You're welcome to join us if you want. 36 00:01:16,786 --> 00:01:18,586 Board game night?! 37 00:01:19,186 --> 00:01:20,786 Board game night. 38 00:01:20,986 --> 00:01:22,586 Come on! 39 00:01:22,586 --> 00:01:24,386 Let's drink green beer. 40 00:01:24,386 --> 00:01:26,186 Let's do green Jell-O shots! 41 00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:27,886 Where's your St. Patty's Day spirit?! 44 00:01:31,486 --> 00:01:33,386 Sorry, Peter. We're grown-ups now. 45 00:01:33,386 --> 00:01:35,786 We can't fly off to Neverland with you anymore. 46 00:01:36,386 --> 00:01:38,086 All right, fine. 47 00:01:38,586 --> 00:01:39,486 You know what? 48 00:01:39,486 --> 00:01:41,786 I'll celebrate St. Patty's Day by myself. 49 00:01:41,986 --> 00:01:43,586 I don't need you people. 50 00:01:43,586 --> 00:01:45,986 You make me physically ill. 51 00:01:47,386 --> 00:01:49,286 He did look a little green. 52 00:01:53,986 --> 00:01:55,086 Hello? 53 00:01:55,586 --> 00:01:57,486 Hey, happy St. Patty's Day! 54 00:01:57,486 --> 00:01:59,786 How are you? Yeah, I haven't talked to you forever. 55 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,486 - Who is it? - It's Ted's butt. 56 00:02:03,886 --> 00:02:04,986 Ah, damn it! 57 00:02:04,986 --> 00:02:06,586 My phone keeps pocket-dialing! 58 00:02:06,586 --> 00:02:08,286 That's, like, the eighth time today. 59 00:02:08,286 --> 00:02:11,386 In fairness, I did call Ted's butt at, like, 2:00 this afternoon. 60 00:02:11,386 --> 00:02:14,286 It took long enough to call you back. 61 00:02:16,586 --> 00:02:17,986 Barney, where are you? 62 00:02:17,986 --> 00:02:20,486 In a cab, heading downtown with our 63 00:02:20,486 --> 00:02:22,586 hot and sexy dates for the evening. 64 00:02:22,586 --> 00:02:25,486 Yes, it happens that fast! 65 00:02:25,486 --> 00:02:27,086 We're going to that club Low Point, 66 00:02:27,086 --> 00:02:28,486 and you're coming with us. 67 00:02:28,486 --> 00:02:29,886 Barney, for the last time... 68 00:02:29,886 --> 00:02:32,486 All right, I didn't want to tell you this in front of Marshall 69 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,986 and Lily because they're old and married, 70 00:02:33,986 --> 00:02:36,486 and it's too late for them anyway, but Ted, 71 00:02:36,886 --> 00:02:39,686 the world is going to come to an end tonight. 72 00:02:40,486 --> 00:02:42,186 Yes. Think about it. 73 00:02:42,186 --> 00:02:45,186 End of the world, Nostradamus. Notre Dame. 74 00:02:45,186 --> 00:02:46,186 Fighting Irish. 75 00:02:46,186 --> 00:02:48,386 Irish. St. Patrick's Day. 76 00:02:48,386 --> 00:02:49,486 This is it, bro. 77 00:02:49,686 --> 00:02:51,486 Bro-pocalypse Now. 78 00:02:52,286 --> 00:02:53,886 Bromageddon. 79 00:02:53,886 --> 00:02:56,586 Ted, you are young, you're single. 80 00:02:56,586 --> 00:02:58,186 You'll have so much more fun with me. 81 00:02:58,186 --> 00:03:00,686 Do you really want to spend your last night on 82 00:03:00,686 --> 00:03:03,686 Earth playing board games with Marshall and Lily? 83 00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:08,686 My hands smell weird. Smell this. 84 00:03:08,986 --> 00:03:11,086 Yeah, they do. That's new. 85 00:03:11,486 --> 00:03:13,186 I'll be there in five minutes. 86 00:03:13,686 --> 00:03:16,386 Yes! All right! 87 00:03:16,386 --> 00:03:18,286 He's in! Ted's a great guy. 88 00:03:18,286 --> 00:03:19,286 Y... 89 00:03:21,786 --> 00:03:23,586 You're gonna love him. 90 00:03:24,886 --> 00:03:27,786 So on March 17, 2008, 91 00:03:27,786 --> 00:03:30,286 I went to a big St. Patrick's Day party. 92 00:03:30,386 --> 00:03:32,186 And it's a good thing I did, 93 00:03:32,286 --> 00:03:33,686 because, funny story: 94 00:03:34,286 --> 00:03:35,786 your mother was there. 95 00:03:36,186 --> 00:03:38,686 Sync by vNaru 96 00:03:52,641 --> 00:03:55,241 Hi. Have you met Ted? 97 00:03:55,241 --> 00:03:56,641 Hi. I'm Mary. 98 00:03:56,641 --> 00:03:58,141 Hi. Happy St. Patty's Day. 99 00:03:58,141 --> 00:03:59,641 I haven't met Ted, either. 100 00:03:59,641 --> 00:04:00,941 - I'm Stephanie. - Hi. 101 00:04:01,941 --> 00:04:04,641 Dude, back off. I called dibs on Stephanie. 102 00:04:04,641 --> 00:04:06,541 Okay. Mary's hot. 103 00:04:07,341 --> 00:04:08,741 Well, then I want Mary. 104 00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:09,941 Fine. 105 00:04:11,141 --> 00:04:13,941 Oh, I see. Reverse psychology. 106 00:04:13,941 --> 00:04:17,141 Then I'm sticking with Stephanie, Dr. Freud. 107 00:04:17,141 --> 00:04:18,041 Okay. 108 00:04:18,141 --> 00:04:19,941 - Which one do you want more? - Either one. 109 00:04:19,941 --> 00:04:21,841 - I want them both. - You're an idiot, 110 00:04:21,941 --> 00:04:23,541 and it may be a moot point. 111 00:04:23,541 --> 00:04:25,041 I mean, it doesn't look like we're getting in. 112 00:04:25,041 --> 00:04:26,141 Look at this. 113 00:04:26,341 --> 00:04:27,641 You know why there's a line? 114 00:04:27,741 --> 00:04:29,541 It's because I ditched Marshall and Lily, 115 00:04:29,541 --> 00:04:31,741 and now the universe is punishing us for it, 116 00:04:31,841 --> 00:04:32,941 that's why. 117 00:04:37,241 --> 00:04:37,941 Yeah. 118 00:04:39,841 --> 00:04:42,141 What's it gonna cost us to get in, $20? 119 00:04:42,441 --> 00:04:43,241 $40? 120 00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:45,441 Dude, come on, you're making the wee folk look bad. 121 00:04:45,441 --> 00:04:47,041 Just give him your pot o' gold. 122 00:04:47,841 --> 00:04:48,841 Is it just you two? 123 00:04:48,841 --> 00:04:50,441 Don't worry. We're not gonna blow your ratio. 124 00:04:50,441 --> 00:04:52,341 We happen to have two very hot girls with us. 125 00:04:53,041 --> 00:04:54,541 Mine's the hotter one. 126 00:04:55,141 --> 00:04:57,341 Look, if it was just you two, 127 00:04:57,341 --> 00:04:58,441 you could go in right now. 128 00:04:58,541 --> 00:05:00,141 We got nothing but girls in there. 129 00:05:00,141 --> 00:05:02,341 People are gonna start thinking it's a lesbian bar. 130 00:05:04,141 --> 00:05:06,041 Would you excuse us for just a minute? 131 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:09,741 Ted, I'm gonna be honest. 132 00:05:09,741 --> 00:05:12,241 I was full of it with that whole Nostradamus thing. 133 00:05:12,341 --> 00:05:13,141 No. 134 00:05:13,141 --> 00:05:15,741 But I am starting to think there is some serious 135 00:05:15,741 --> 00:05:17,941 planetary crap going on here tonight. 136 00:05:17,941 --> 00:05:20,841 Never in the history of New York City nightclubs 137 00:05:20,841 --> 00:05:23,041 has there been a shortage of dudes, 138 00:05:23,041 --> 00:05:26,341 not even during the Great Dude Shortage of 1883. 139 00:05:26,741 --> 00:05:28,041 We got to ditch these girls. 140 00:05:28,741 --> 00:05:30,341 But you dragged them all the way down here. 141 00:05:30,341 --> 00:05:32,241 I don't see no ring on this finger. 142 00:05:33,141 --> 00:05:34,141 All right, hold on. 143 00:05:34,841 --> 00:05:36,041 Uh, excuse me? 144 00:05:36,041 --> 00:05:38,341 Are the girls in there hotter than our dates? 145 00:05:39,041 --> 00:05:40,441 I don't know if they're hotter, 146 00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:41,641 but they're drunker. 147 00:05:41,641 --> 00:05:43,041 Rock 'n' roll. 148 00:05:46,741 --> 00:05:49,441 Welcome to your dream home, my lady. 149 00:05:51,241 --> 00:05:52,341 All right, all right. 150 00:05:52,341 --> 00:05:54,741 You can put me down. Robin thinks we're weird. 151 00:05:54,741 --> 00:05:56,141 No, it's fine. 152 00:05:56,141 --> 00:05:58,241 It was only weird on the subway. 153 00:06:00,341 --> 00:06:02,341 Oh. I'm gonna check the other rooms to see 154 00:06:02,341 --> 00:06:05,141 if the previous owners left us any free stuff. 155 00:06:05,241 --> 00:06:07,141 I'm gonna hang our first piece of art. 156 00:06:07,441 --> 00:06:08,841 Oh, look, there's already a nail. 157 00:06:08,841 --> 00:06:10,441 Hey, Lil, free nail! 158 00:06:10,441 --> 00:06:11,841 Score! 159 00:06:15,341 --> 00:06:16,541 How's that? Perfect. 160 00:06:27,341 --> 00:06:29,641 Oh, now this is ridiculous. 161 00:06:29,641 --> 00:06:30,841 Is it the nail? 162 00:06:30,841 --> 00:06:31,741 Marshall? 163 00:06:31,741 --> 00:06:33,541 Is the wall slippery or something? 164 00:06:33,541 --> 00:06:34,241 Marshall. 165 00:06:34,241 --> 00:06:36,241 Is there a wind? Is there some sort of draft in here? 166 00:06:36,241 --> 00:06:37,541 - Marshall! - What? 167 00:06:37,941 --> 00:06:39,841 Your apartment's crooked. 168 00:06:40,341 --> 00:06:41,441 What do you mean? 169 00:06:46,141 --> 00:06:48,941 It was the kind of thing you didn't notice until you noticed it. 170 00:06:48,941 --> 00:06:52,041 But once you did notice it, you couldn't not notice it. 171 00:06:52,141 --> 00:06:55,141 Lily and Marshall's new apartment was crooked. 172 00:06:57,841 --> 00:06:59,041 Oh, no! 173 00:06:59,041 --> 00:07:00,841 Oh, no, no, no! 174 00:07:00,841 --> 00:07:02,941 Oh, no, no. Oh, no. 175 00:07:02,941 --> 00:07:03,641 Yes. 176 00:07:03,641 --> 00:07:06,941 Are you telling me that we just spent our entire life savings and then some on... 177 00:07:06,941 --> 00:07:08,441 on a crooked apartment? 178 00:07:08,441 --> 00:07:10,041 Oh, my God! 179 00:07:10,041 --> 00:07:11,141 No, she's gonna flip. 180 00:07:11,141 --> 00:07:12,141 Just calm down. It's gonna be fine. 181 00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:14,241 Look what I found in the kids' room! 182 00:07:14,241 --> 00:07:16,241 Free skateboard. Score! 183 00:07:16,241 --> 00:07:18,141 Free Hungry Hungry Hippos. 184 00:07:18,141 --> 00:07:20,741 Double score! I'm gonna check the kitchen! 185 00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,641 Okay. How could she not notice this? 186 00:07:22,641 --> 00:07:25,141 It's like the last 20 minutes of Titanic in here. 187 00:07:25,641 --> 00:07:27,241 We have to keep this quiet. 188 00:07:27,241 --> 00:07:29,941 If Lily finds out her new dream house is crooked, it's gonna... 189 00:07:29,941 --> 00:07:31,241 it's gonna break her heart. 190 00:07:31,641 --> 00:07:33,441 Free salad strainer! 191 00:07:33,441 --> 00:07:35,241 I love this place. 192 00:07:35,741 --> 00:07:37,541 Just for tonight, okay? 193 00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:38,641 Okay. 194 00:07:39,341 --> 00:07:41,541 But it's gonna be an uphill battle. 195 00:07:42,341 --> 00:07:46,041 I am just saying we have to think of the right angle. 196 00:07:47,241 --> 00:07:49,441 I have a third one, but I'm not gonna say it. 197 00:07:50,841 --> 00:07:53,641 Okay, Barney, I think we've stumbled into some kind of ethical, 198 00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:55,041 philosophical wormhole. 199 00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:56,241 - Green suit. - Yeah. 200 00:07:56,241 --> 00:07:57,941 I ditched Marshall and Lily, 201 00:07:57,941 --> 00:08:00,141 and was rewarded with two beautiful girls. 202 00:08:00,141 --> 00:08:01,341 Suit's made of green. 203 00:08:01,341 --> 00:08:03,641 We bailed on those two beautiful girls, 204 00:08:03,641 --> 00:08:06,641 and now we're being rewarded with a sea of beautiful girls. 205 00:08:06,641 --> 00:08:08,241 38 long. 206 00:08:08,741 --> 00:08:11,541 It's like the laws of the universe are working in reverse. 207 00:08:11,541 --> 00:08:13,741 - Can you put it on my tab? - Yeah. What's the last name? 208 00:08:13,741 --> 00:08:14,541 Garrido. 209 00:08:16,041 --> 00:08:18,341 All right, I'm gonna try something, and if this works... 210 00:08:18,341 --> 00:08:19,141 Uh, hey. 211 00:08:19,141 --> 00:08:20,341 Hey, what can I get you guys? 212 00:08:20,341 --> 00:08:22,441 A bottle of Dom Perignon, and can you put it on my tab? 213 00:08:22,441 --> 00:08:23,541 Sure. What's the name? 214 00:08:23,541 --> 00:08:25,141 - Garrido. - Dude! 215 00:08:25,141 --> 00:08:27,841 Oh, uh, yeah, you're right. Uh, make it two bottles. 216 00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:28,741 Two. 217 00:08:29,341 --> 00:08:31,341 Now we wait, see if something good happens... 218 00:08:31,541 --> 00:08:32,641 Oh! Hello! 219 00:08:32,641 --> 00:08:33,841 St. Patrick's Day tradition. 220 00:08:33,841 --> 00:08:36,141 If you're not wearing green, you got to get pinched. 221 00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,941 Well, I guess I got what I deserved. 222 00:08:37,941 --> 00:08:39,241 I'm not wearing green, either. 223 00:08:39,241 --> 00:08:42,641 This is, um, deep teal. 224 00:08:42,641 --> 00:08:45,341 - The lighting makes it... - Uh, I'm Ted. 225 00:08:45,341 --> 00:08:47,841 Ashlee with two "e"s. 226 00:08:47,841 --> 00:08:50,141 Please. "C"s at most. 227 00:08:50,141 --> 00:08:52,141 You know, you guys should come join me and my friends. 228 00:08:52,141 --> 00:08:56,341 We have a bottle of tequila and shockingly deep belly buttons. 229 00:08:57,741 --> 00:09:00,541 Okay, it's official: do bad things, good things happen. 230 00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:03,541 Ted, listen. 231 00:09:03,541 --> 00:09:05,741 Are you hearing that? That's the universe. 232 00:09:05,741 --> 00:09:07,741 The universe is talking to us. 233 00:09:07,741 --> 00:09:09,841 We don't have to build a baseball field, do we? 234 00:09:10,141 --> 00:09:14,841 No. The universe is telling us that we have a free pass tonight. 235 00:09:14,841 --> 00:09:19,541 The universe is saying that we don't have to live in fear of the... 236 00:09:19,541 --> 00:09:21,041 - Are you still there? - Yeah, I'm here. 237 00:09:21,041 --> 00:09:23,841 ...of the repercussions of our actions. 238 00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:26,241 There is no waiting for tomorrow, 239 00:09:26,241 --> 00:09:28,041 because do you know why, Ted? 240 00:09:30,741 --> 00:09:33,241 There is no tomorrow. 241 00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:35,741 No tomorrow, huh? 242 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:37,341 By the way, Mr. Garrido, 243 00:09:37,441 --> 00:09:41,041 second bottle of champagne gets you a complimentary ounce of caviar. 244 00:09:41,241 --> 00:09:42,141 Enjoy. 245 00:09:45,641 --> 00:09:48,041 - No tomorrow! - No tomorrow! 246 00:09:48,041 --> 00:09:49,541 No tomorrow! 247 00:09:49,541 --> 00:09:52,041 Hey, I wonder what the grown-ups are doing right now. 248 00:09:57,341 --> 00:09:59,141 I win again. 249 00:09:59,141 --> 00:10:00,941 Why do I keep winning? 250 00:10:01,441 --> 00:10:04,641 Maybe your hippo is just hungrier hungrier than ours. 251 00:10:04,641 --> 00:10:05,341 That's it. 252 00:10:05,341 --> 00:10:06,941 That's what it is. It's not gravity, 253 00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:08,341 that's for sure. I'll tell you that. 254 00:10:10,441 --> 00:10:11,941 What was that? 255 00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,441 What's going on here? 256 00:10:21,041 --> 00:10:22,141 Okay, Lily... 257 00:10:23,041 --> 00:10:25,941 while you were in the other room, Robin and I, 258 00:10:26,441 --> 00:10:28,741 we discovered something about the apartment. 259 00:10:28,741 --> 00:10:29,841 It's not a big deal. 260 00:10:29,941 --> 00:10:32,441 It's not like a disaster. It's just... 261 00:10:32,441 --> 00:10:34,841 It's something that we're going to have to learn to live with. 262 00:10:38,941 --> 00:10:41,041 Robin and I saw a ghost. 263 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:42,641 What? 264 00:10:43,141 --> 00:10:44,741 Oh, he's kidding, right? 265 00:10:45,041 --> 00:10:47,441 No, we really saw a ghost. 266 00:10:47,641 --> 00:10:49,141 What did it look like? 267 00:10:49,841 --> 00:10:52,941 Uh, a sheet with two holes in it. 268 00:10:53,941 --> 00:10:55,941 He was a Confederate general 269 00:10:55,941 --> 00:10:58,241 who was wounded at the Battle of Antietam, 270 00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:02,841 and he died at the army hospital which once stood on this very spot. 271 00:11:02,941 --> 00:11:04,941 And now he wanders these halls, 272 00:11:04,941 --> 00:11:08,741 vowing revenge against the Union cannonade hat once felled him. 273 00:11:08,941 --> 00:11:11,141 But he seems nice. He's a good-good guy. 274 00:11:11,841 --> 00:11:15,941 Marshall, you see ghosts everywhere. You see ghosts at Stars Bucks. 275 00:11:16,141 --> 00:11:20,041 That Kenny G holiday CD just flew off the shelf. 276 00:11:20,041 --> 00:11:21,441 Last time that happened. 277 00:11:22,041 --> 00:11:24,141 But, Robin, you're a skeptic, 278 00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:26,441 so if you say you saw a ghost... 279 00:11:28,741 --> 00:11:30,641 It passed right through me, 280 00:11:30,641 --> 00:11:34,241 and suddenly I felt cold, so very cold. 281 00:11:37,741 --> 00:11:40,041 You know, Ashlee, I'm sorry. 282 00:11:40,041 --> 00:11:42,041 You're probably just gonna want to get up and walk away, 283 00:11:42,041 --> 00:11:45,041 but I just have to test out this theory I've been working on. 284 00:11:45,641 --> 00:11:48,541 Tonight, I am not looking for a relationship. 285 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,941 I really just want to hook up with you, 286 00:11:50,941 --> 00:11:53,141 leave before breakfast, and never see you again. 287 00:11:55,341 --> 00:11:56,541 I'm in. 288 00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:58,441 Unbelievable. 289 00:12:00,341 --> 00:12:02,541 Hot damn, that's a deep navel. 290 00:12:02,741 --> 00:12:04,241 No tomorrow, Ted. 291 00:12:04,241 --> 00:12:06,141 Yeah, no tomorrow, Barney. 292 00:12:06,741 --> 00:12:08,341 No tomorrow, huh? 293 00:12:08,841 --> 00:12:10,741 I like that idea. 294 00:12:11,141 --> 00:12:13,641 Because if there is a tomorrow, 295 00:12:13,641 --> 00:12:15,741 I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble. 296 00:12:15,741 --> 00:12:18,041 Oh, yeah? Why is that? 297 00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:19,741 I'm married. 298 00:12:23,141 --> 00:12:25,341 Tell me you're messing with me, guys. 299 00:12:25,341 --> 00:12:27,241 You didn't actually see a ghost. 300 00:12:27,241 --> 00:12:29,941 It's not a big deal, baby. He seemed friendly. 301 00:12:30,341 --> 00:12:33,241 You said he's a Confederate general. They're the bad guys. 302 00:12:33,241 --> 00:12:34,941 And he's probably racist. 303 00:12:34,941 --> 00:12:37,141 No, he seemed polite. 304 00:12:37,141 --> 00:12:39,741 He had courtly Southern manners. 305 00:12:39,741 --> 00:12:41,741 We're gonna raise our kids here. 306 00:12:41,741 --> 00:12:45,741 I don't want some Confederate general ghost teaching them his racism. 307 00:12:45,741 --> 00:12:49,241 He loves people of all colors and creeds. 308 00:12:49,241 --> 00:12:51,141 He was fighting for states' rights, that's all. 309 00:12:51,141 --> 00:12:52,941 Robin said he was wearing a sheet. 310 00:12:52,941 --> 00:12:54,641 What do you think that means? 311 00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:56,541 The apartment is crooked. 312 00:12:57,441 --> 00:12:58,541 What? 313 00:13:00,641 --> 00:13:03,241 Robin and I didn't see a ghost. 314 00:13:06,141 --> 00:13:08,441 The floor is crooked, isn't it? 315 00:13:09,141 --> 00:13:10,241 Yeah. 316 00:13:11,341 --> 00:13:14,941 We spent our entire life's savings on this floor. 317 00:13:15,341 --> 00:13:19,741 The next 30 mortgage-paying years of our lives will be spent 318 00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:22,341 on this floor, and it's crooked. 319 00:13:29,041 --> 00:13:30,941 Thanks a lot, Robin. 320 00:13:33,041 --> 00:13:36,941 How is "racist ghost" better than "crooked"? 321 00:13:37,641 --> 00:13:40,341 Seriously, somebody tell me how that's better. 322 00:13:42,741 --> 00:13:44,141 Oh, I'm sorry. 323 00:13:44,141 --> 00:13:45,641 Oh, that's okay. 324 00:13:45,641 --> 00:13:48,541 Um, dude, so, I'm having second thoughts about that theory. 325 00:13:48,541 --> 00:13:52,241 I'm telling you, if you want to know how old a woman is, check her elbows. 326 00:13:52,241 --> 00:13:53,441 Not that theory. 327 00:13:53,441 --> 00:13:56,541 You have to be more specific, Ted, 'cause I have so many theories. 328 00:13:56,541 --> 00:13:59,341 The whole do bad, good things happen... 329 00:13:59,341 --> 00:14:01,941 - Ashlee is married. - So? 330 00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:03,341 What do you mean, so? 331 00:14:03,441 --> 00:14:05,241 Open your brain tank, brah, 332 00:14:05,241 --> 00:14:08,941 'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. 333 00:14:08,941 --> 00:14:10,541 There's three rules of cheating: 334 00:14:10,541 --> 00:14:12,941 It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married, 335 00:14:12,941 --> 00:14:16,341 it's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels, 336 00:14:16,341 --> 00:14:18,841 and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. 337 00:14:18,841 --> 00:14:20,341 You're fine on all three counts. 338 00:14:20,341 --> 00:14:22,341 How do you know she's from a different area code? 339 00:14:22,341 --> 00:14:24,441 She's 516. 340 00:14:24,441 --> 00:14:27,541 She might dress like she's 718, act like she's 212, 341 00:14:28,441 --> 00:14:29,741 but trust me, she's 516. 342 00:14:29,741 --> 00:14:31,041 Oh, and her husband... 343 00:14:31,041 --> 00:14:33,341 letting her out alone on Saint Patty's Day? 344 00:14:33,341 --> 00:14:36,541 If that dude's not 973, I'm 307. 345 00:14:38,141 --> 00:14:39,341 Wyoming. 346 00:14:43,641 --> 00:14:45,841 We're gonna have to nail down all our furniture. 347 00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:48,241 We won't be able to get a pinball machine. 348 00:14:48,341 --> 00:14:51,641 I mean, unless we put some books under two of the legs or something. 349 00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:53,441 But then what if we want to read those books? 350 00:14:53,441 --> 00:14:55,141 This is a nightmare. 351 00:14:55,441 --> 00:14:58,641 We can't raise our kids here. They'll grow up slanted. 352 00:14:58,841 --> 00:15:01,441 If we have a daughter, we'll have to call her Eileen. 353 00:15:02,541 --> 00:15:05,241 I don't think we can live here, Marshall. 354 00:15:05,741 --> 00:15:07,841 I don't know what we're gonna do. 355 00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:09,741 Marshall? 356 00:15:10,241 --> 00:15:11,741 Open the door. 357 00:15:22,141 --> 00:15:24,941 If I make it through the door, that's five points. 358 00:15:26,441 --> 00:15:28,941 Woo-hoo! 359 00:15:29,041 --> 00:15:30,241 Yeah! 360 00:15:31,441 --> 00:15:32,741 Five points. 361 00:15:32,741 --> 00:15:35,141 Ten bucks says I can do it backwards. 362 00:15:35,141 --> 00:15:39,041 So Lily and Marshall decided to make the best of a bad situation. 363 00:15:39,041 --> 00:15:42,841 And that's also how the sport of Apartment Roller Luge was invented. 364 00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:46,441 Very careful baby! Oh yeah! 365 00:15:46,441 --> 00:15:49,241 So she's married? It's not like she has kids. 366 00:15:49,341 --> 00:15:50,441 How do you know? 367 00:15:50,641 --> 00:15:51,541 Wrists. 368 00:15:51,541 --> 00:15:53,841 It's like you don't even listen to me. 369 00:15:54,541 --> 00:15:56,841 - Oh, hey. - Hey. 370 00:15:56,841 --> 00:15:58,041 Where'd you go? 371 00:15:58,041 --> 00:15:59,341 Well, I just, um... 372 00:15:59,341 --> 00:16:02,041 - Was it something I said? - No, no, no, it's just, well... 373 00:16:02,041 --> 00:16:06,141 you're married and-and we've been drinking, and I was worried we might... 374 00:16:07,541 --> 00:16:09,841 Oh, this is a very bad idea. 375 00:16:11,741 --> 00:16:14,341 - We have a problem. - Hey, hey. Hey. 376 00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:16,141 Hey. 377 00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,741 Is this your husband? 378 00:16:17,841 --> 00:16:20,041 I've never seen this man in my life. 379 00:16:20,341 --> 00:16:22,541 Oh, okay. Uh, what's our problem? 380 00:16:22,541 --> 00:16:24,541 Rick. Rick Garrido. 381 00:16:24,541 --> 00:16:26,441 According to the bartender, I'm the guy 382 00:16:26,441 --> 00:16:28,641 that's been buying you champagne all night. 383 00:16:28,741 --> 00:16:32,541 Okay, there's-there's a very simple explana... 384 00:16:32,541 --> 00:16:35,641 Next thing I know the police show up, they arrest the other guy, 385 00:16:35,641 --> 00:16:38,141 and I'm drinking for free the rest of the night. 386 00:16:38,141 --> 00:16:40,341 It was awesome. 387 00:16:41,341 --> 00:16:42,641 Awesome, huh? 388 00:16:42,841 --> 00:16:43,841 Yeah. 389 00:16:44,241 --> 00:16:46,541 You don't see anything wrong with that story? 390 00:16:46,741 --> 00:16:49,141 Well, I lost my new phone back at the club somewhere. 391 00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:51,541 What the hell is wrong with you, dude? 392 00:16:51,641 --> 00:16:53,541 You know me, I lose things. 393 00:16:53,541 --> 00:16:56,241 You kissed a married woman, Ted. 394 00:16:56,241 --> 00:16:58,841 You committed credit card fraud. 395 00:16:58,841 --> 00:17:02,641 You... you kissed a married woman. Do you know how offensive that is to me? 396 00:17:02,641 --> 00:17:04,241 You're turning into Barney. 397 00:17:04,241 --> 00:17:05,941 We don't need another Barney. 398 00:17:06,441 --> 00:17:07,441 Look... 399 00:17:07,541 --> 00:17:09,541 it's Saint Patty's Day. 400 00:17:09,841 --> 00:17:12,041 It wasn't as bad as it sounds. 401 00:17:12,041 --> 00:17:14,141 - "It wasn't as bad as it sounds"? - No. 402 00:17:14,141 --> 00:17:15,341 Huh? Okay... 403 00:17:15,441 --> 00:17:18,241 I want you to hear exactly how it sounds, Ted. 404 00:17:19,641 --> 00:17:23,041 First skipped message: I don't see no ring on this finger. 405 00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:25,241 And then last night started coming back to me: 406 00:17:25,541 --> 00:17:26,541 The real version. 407 00:17:27,441 --> 00:17:30,041 Are the girls in there hotter than our dates ? 408 00:17:30,241 --> 00:17:32,941 I don't know if they're hotter, but they're drunker. 409 00:17:33,441 --> 00:17:35,441 Rock 'n' roll. 410 00:17:39,041 --> 00:17:41,341 - How many messages did I... - Seventeen... 411 00:17:42,441 --> 00:17:46,141 Kids, it's sometimes possible to think you're doing just fine in life... 412 00:17:46,141 --> 00:17:49,041 Next message: Can you put it on my tab? 413 00:17:49,741 --> 00:17:51,441 Sure, what's the last name? 414 00:17:51,641 --> 00:17:53,041 Garrido. 415 00:17:53,041 --> 00:17:55,441 ...and then someone opens your eyes a little bit, 416 00:17:55,441 --> 00:17:56,741 and you realize... 417 00:17:56,741 --> 00:17:58,141 Next message: 418 00:17:58,141 --> 00:17:59,941 I really want to hook up with you, 419 00:17:59,941 --> 00:18:02,541 leave before breakfast, and then never see you again. 420 00:18:02,941 --> 00:18:05,041 ...your whole world is off balance... 421 00:18:05,341 --> 00:18:07,041 Next message : 422 00:18:07,041 --> 00:18:08,041 ...out of whack... 423 00:18:08,041 --> 00:18:10,241 Okay, look, brah, 424 00:18:10,241 --> 00:18:12,741 there is a very simple explana... 425 00:18:13,141 --> 00:18:14,641 ...crooked. 426 00:18:18,941 --> 00:18:20,641 That was hard to listen to. 427 00:18:22,441 --> 00:18:25,141 No one likes how they sound on an answering machine. 428 00:18:27,241 --> 00:18:28,641 Thanks for doing that. 429 00:18:31,941 --> 00:18:33,541 You yelled at me. 430 00:18:33,641 --> 00:18:35,741 You got very firm with me. 431 00:18:35,741 --> 00:18:36,841 Very confident. 432 00:18:37,141 --> 00:18:38,341 It was cool. 433 00:18:38,641 --> 00:18:39,841 Thanks. 434 00:18:40,141 --> 00:18:42,141 - You're very sexy when you yell, Marshall. - Shut up. 435 00:18:42,841 --> 00:18:44,841 Veins, crazy muscles in your neck. 436 00:18:44,841 --> 00:18:46,841 You look like a Kentucky Derby-winning steed. 437 00:18:46,841 --> 00:18:48,241 You're ruining a nice moment. 438 00:18:48,241 --> 00:18:50,441 At one point, I swear, I thought we were gonna kiss. 439 00:18:50,441 --> 00:18:52,141 Ted, seriously. 440 00:18:52,641 --> 00:18:54,041 I'm married. 441 00:18:57,341 --> 00:18:58,841 Oh... a slanted floor. 442 00:18:58,841 --> 00:19:01,141 Architecturally speaking, fixing that's going to be... 443 00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:03,841 Very, very, very expensive. 444 00:19:03,841 --> 00:19:06,641 And it's gonna take some time, too, so 445 00:19:06,641 --> 00:19:09,741 it looks like you're stuck with us for a little while longer, if that's okay. 446 00:19:09,941 --> 00:19:11,041 Are you kidding? 447 00:19:11,041 --> 00:19:11,941 I love it. 448 00:19:11,941 --> 00:19:14,741 I don't know what's gonna happen to me without you guys around. 449 00:19:14,741 --> 00:19:15,641 Where are you going? 450 00:19:15,641 --> 00:19:18,141 I'm going to get my stupid phone. 451 00:19:19,341 --> 00:19:22,341 So that was Saint Patrick's Day, 2008. 452 00:19:22,341 --> 00:19:25,341 I found out years later that your mom was at that party. 453 00:19:25,341 --> 00:19:26,941 I just didn't meet her. 454 00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:29,041 And it's a good thing I didn't, 455 00:19:29,041 --> 00:19:31,941 'cause if I had met her, I don't think she would have liked me. 456 00:19:31,941 --> 00:19:34,041 Heck, I don't think I liked me. 457 00:19:34,141 --> 00:19:35,641 But that's okay. 458 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,041 Tomorrow had arrived. 459 00:19:37,041 --> 00:19:40,341 ♪ Leave me alone, and there'll be ♪ 460 00:19:40,341 --> 00:19:46,241 ♪ No one to get hurt ♪ 461 00:19:46,241 --> 00:19:55,141 ♪ Nobody move and there'll be Nothin' to disturb ♪ 462 00:19:55,141 --> 00:20:04,841 ♪ The sum of it all is that you Don't know where to turn ♪ 463 00:20:04,841 --> 00:20:12,941 ♪ Despite all your promises you Don't keep what you learn ♪ 464 00:20:12,941 --> 00:20:15,041 You see, I didn't know it yet, 465 00:20:15,541 --> 00:20:18,441 but my luck was about to change. 466 00:20:18,441 --> 00:20:23,941 ♪ Beautiful beat get me out of this mess ♪ 467 00:20:41,269 --> 00:20:43,169 I'm awesome!