1
00:00:00,702 --> 00:00:02,335
It took me a while to figure out

2
00:00:02,343 --> 00:00:05,286
but the key to understanding
your Uncle Barney is this.

3
00:00:05,415 --> 00:00:08,709
When times are hard,
it's impossible to keep him around.

4
00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:11,277
Like when your aunt Lily
and Uncle Marshall were broken up.

5
00:00:11,288 --> 00:00:13,291
Hey. What are you guys talking about?

6
00:00:13,712 --> 00:00:15,501
- Lily.
- I got to go.

7
00:00:17,596 --> 00:00:20,570
But when times are good,
it's impossible to get rid of him.

8
00:00:20,573 --> 00:00:21,557
What are you guys doing?

9
00:00:21,577 --> 00:00:23,394
We just finished planning
Marshall's bachelor party.

10
00:00:23,396 --> 00:00:25,370
Good, you haven't started yet.
Let's talk logistics.

11
00:00:25,382 --> 00:00:27,973
Now, have you laid out
ground rules with Lily?

12
00:00:27,989 --> 00:00:30,530
Where you are or aren't allowed
to touch or be touched?

13
00:00:30,537 --> 00:00:31,643
Show me on Ted.

14
00:00:31,939 --> 00:00:34,761
Actually, we're, uh, we're thinking
of skipping the strippers.

15
00:00:35,058 --> 00:00:38,360
You... you want to have a party
without strippers.

16
00:00:38,375 --> 00:00:40,110
This was the worse thing
I could have said.

17
00:00:40,126 --> 00:00:42,842
You see, uncle Barney loved
cooking up bachelor parties.

18
00:00:42,855 --> 00:00:44,770
And it was always the same recipe.

19
00:00:45,186 --> 00:00:47,791
You start with a slightly
cramped hotel suite.

20
00:00:48,195 --> 00:00:50,191
Arrange the chairs in a circle...

21
00:00:50,646 --> 00:00:52,761
Fill them with your closest friends.

22
00:00:53,208 --> 00:00:55,020
Turn the heat up to about 90.

23
00:00:55,377 --> 00:00:57,520
Pump in a metric ton of cigar smoke.

24
00:00:58,196 --> 00:01:01,522
And then, right in the middle
of the room, you throw in a girl.

25
00:01:01,708 --> 00:01:03,293
But not a beautiful girl--

26
00:01:04,067 --> 00:01:06,302
no, if this girl was ever beautiful,
it was two kids,

27
00:01:06,315 --> 00:01:09,810
three tattoos and one pesky
substance abuse problem ago.

28
00:01:10,606 --> 00:01:12,632
Which one of you is Stuart?

29
00:01:12,657 --> 00:01:14,451
Please, I really don't want to do this.

30
00:01:14,468 --> 00:01:17,163
Shut up, put in your mouth guard.

31
00:01:21,596 --> 00:01:24,442
Then she proceeds to do things
that demean the groom,

32
00:01:24,448 --> 00:01:27,231
herself and really,
the entire human race.

33
00:01:27,248 --> 00:01:28,522
Disgusting.

34
00:01:29,168 --> 00:01:30,490
Ah, horrifying.

35
00:01:30,997 --> 00:01:33,603
- Classic.
- Oh, please, please, no, no.

36
00:01:33,956 --> 00:01:36,143
I don't want anything like that
happening to me.

37
00:01:36,156 --> 00:01:37,961
Stuart's still trying
to forget that night.

38
00:01:37,976 --> 00:01:40,600
It's my bachelor party.
We're not having strippers.

39
00:01:40,615 --> 00:01:42,631
Oh, he thinks he has a sain it.

40
00:01:43,007 --> 00:01:44,341
So, strippers it is!

41
00:01:44,356 --> 00:01:48,032
Now, just, uh, tell me where we're going
to be and I'll make some calls.

42
00:01:48,318 --> 00:01:49,782
I think I can get
the fourth one for free.

43
00:01:49,796 --> 00:01:52,210
Quick question.
Prosthetic arm. Deal breaker?

44
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:56,163
- Barney, there is...
- Before you say no, it has attachments.

45
00:01:58,498 --> 00:02:00,570
Subtitles : Willow's Team

46
00:02:00,606 --> 00:02:02,601
Transcript : Raceman

47
00:02:02,606 --> 00:02:04,603
www.forom.com

48
00:02:10,475 --> 00:02:13,553
Look, I know you have some stuff planned
for Marshall's bachelor party,

49
00:02:13,556 --> 00:02:15,993
- but he really doesn't want strippers.
- Yes, he does.

50
00:02:16,007 --> 00:02:19,333
- Uh, well, he told me he doesn't.
- Uh, well, he told me he does.

51
00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:21,143
- When?
- Every minute of every day

52
00:02:21,157 --> 00:02:25,350
as his inner animal thrashes against the
cage of his own puritanical upbringing.

53
00:02:25,457 --> 00:02:27,802
Or do you guys not like naked girls.

54
00:02:27,816 --> 00:02:30,820
Um, we love naked girls.

55
00:02:30,838 --> 00:02:32,292
They're one of the best things
in the world.

56
00:02:32,305 --> 00:02:35,592
It goes... naked girls, democracy,

57
00:02:35,605 --> 00:02:38,642
the scene in Every Which Way But Loose
where the monkey gives a guy the finger.

58
00:02:39,085 --> 00:02:42,063
- We just don't like your naked girls.
- What, my girls aren't hot enough?

59
00:02:42,077 --> 00:02:46,483
I mean, all right, fine, the stripper at
Stuart's bachelor party was a 15.

60
00:02:46,495 --> 00:02:51,140
- She was 15?
- No, a 15. Like in blackjack.

61
00:02:51,537 --> 00:02:54,131
As in, not sure whether you'd hit it?

62
00:02:54,148 --> 00:02:56,203
- Exactly.
- Nice.

63
00:02:57,215 --> 00:03:01,562
This is important to Marshall.
So, promise me, no strippers.

64
00:03:02,137 --> 00:03:03,770
All right, I promise.

65
00:03:05,258 --> 00:03:08,982
- I'm serious.
- So am I. No strippers.

66
00:03:10,776 --> 00:03:12,421
Now say it without winking.

67
00:03:12,945 --> 00:03:14,560
No strippers.

68
00:03:16,216 --> 00:03:18,790
- You just winked.
- No I didn't.

69
00:03:21,376 --> 00:03:25,510
So, when the day arrived, we all climbed
into a rented Escalade and set out.

70
00:03:25,708 --> 00:03:29,652
Now, every bachelor party is usually
made up of the same stock characters.

71
00:03:29,878 --> 00:03:31,231
You've got the groom...

72
00:03:31,368 --> 00:03:32,633
the best man...

73
00:03:32,878 --> 00:03:36,213
- the guy who speaks only in clichés...
- Dead man walking!

74
00:03:37,477 --> 00:03:39,432
...the guy who disappears
at the beginning of the night

75
00:03:39,446 --> 00:03:41,100
and doesn't show up again until the end.

76
00:03:41,115 --> 00:03:44,242
All right, who's up for a little
blackjack before we check in.

77
00:03:44,647 --> 00:03:46,533
- No, no, no.
- None for me.

78
00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,683
See you guys back at the room, then.

79
00:03:49,475 --> 00:03:52,163
And, of course, well... Barney.

80
00:03:52,177 --> 00:03:55,873
Every bachelor party has a Barney.
Oh, what's this?

81
00:03:55,946 --> 00:03:58,470
This car has a DVD player?
You mean,

82
00:03:58,487 --> 00:04:02,732
we could have been watching
these pornos the whole time?

83
00:04:02,745 --> 00:04:04,812
- Yeah.
- This one's in HD.

84
00:04:05,236 --> 00:04:08,530
This one's in H-double-D.
Oh!

85
00:04:09,576 --> 00:04:12,430
That same night, aunt Lily
was having a wedding shower.

86
00:04:12,445 --> 00:04:14,390
And Robin showed up gift in hand.

87
00:04:14,395 --> 00:04:16,172
Funny story about that gift.

88
00:04:16,338 --> 00:04:19,070
Hey, Barney, check out
what I got Lily for her shower.

89
00:04:19,106 --> 00:04:21,350
It's kind of racy.
Think you can handle it?

90
00:04:21,365 --> 00:04:24,052
Uh, I've been in a ten-way.
So, yeah.

91
00:04:29,645 --> 00:04:32,593
- It's kind of see-through.
- Whoa, ho ho!

92
00:04:32,608 --> 00:04:35,782
You weren't kidding! You know
when you should give that to her?

93
00:04:35,808 --> 00:04:37,621
1850.

94
00:04:38,208 --> 00:04:40,273
Robin, it's her bridal shower!

95
00:04:40,286 --> 00:04:42,250
All her friends are gonna be there,
they're going to be drinking.

96
00:04:42,265 --> 00:04:44,771
You need to get her something daring,
something outrageous.

97
00:04:44,926 --> 00:04:47,031
Well, what do you think
I should get her?

98
00:04:47,757 --> 00:04:52,040
There's a store on Eighth Avenue
that specializes in--

99
00:04:52,418 --> 00:04:53,911
how to put this delicately?--

100
00:04:53,917 --> 00:04:59,481
uh, battery-powered, adult-
recreational fake penises.

101
00:05:00,875 --> 00:05:03,491
And so Aunt Robin went
to a store on Eighth Avenue,

102
00:05:03,508 --> 00:05:06,653
and a battery-powered,
adult-recreational...

103
00:05:06,677 --> 00:05:09,502
Well, it was something inappropriate.
And we're back in.

104
00:05:15,097 --> 00:05:16,331
Robin!

105
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,293
I'm so glad you're here.

106
00:05:18,778 --> 00:05:20,811
Come in, I want you to meet everybody.

107
00:05:20,825 --> 00:05:24,092
Robin, this is my Grandma Lois
and my Aunt Florence.

108
00:05:24,107 --> 00:05:25,961
Oh, lovely to meet you, dear.

109
00:05:26,007 --> 00:05:28,032
They put this whole party together.

110
00:05:28,635 --> 00:05:32,171
It's different from what I expected,
but lovely.

111
00:05:32,276 --> 00:05:33,393
Lovely.

112
00:05:33,408 --> 00:05:34,841
And oh, look, there are little kids here!

113
00:05:34,855 --> 00:05:35,920
Yeah, my cousins.

114
00:05:35,937 --> 00:05:39,253
Listen, I, uh, I forgot something
somewhere so I'm going to just go...

115
00:05:39,265 --> 00:05:41,252
Robin, this is my mom, Janice.

116
00:05:41,266 --> 00:05:44,370
Oh, honey.
I'm so glad to finally meet you.

117
00:05:44,405 --> 00:05:46,291
Me too.
I, I've heard so much about you.

118
00:05:46,308 --> 00:05:49,261
Me, too. Oh, here.
Let me take your gift.

119
00:05:51,605 --> 00:05:55,563
Can I guess what it is?
Is it a, a, a mini food processor?

120
00:05:55,708 --> 00:05:57,200
- No.
- No? Oh.

121
00:05:57,275 --> 00:05:59,062
Oh, give me a hint.
What color is it?

122
00:06:00,057 --> 00:06:01,122
Black.

123
00:06:02,658 --> 00:06:05,453
Well, I guess I'm just going
to have to wait and see!

124
00:06:06,935 --> 00:06:08,743
- Oh, great.
- Robin...

125
00:06:08,778 --> 00:06:12,653
- this is my Cousin Margaret.
- Oh, finally, someone our own age!

126
00:06:12,926 --> 00:06:16,591
Wait, do I introduce you as
"Cousin Margaret" or "Sister Margaret?"

127
00:06:16,625 --> 00:06:19,523
Well, I'm not officially confirmed
as a nun until next month

128
00:06:19,536 --> 00:06:24,031
and I don't want to tick off the Big Guy,
so let's stick with "Cousin" for now.

129
00:06:24,838 --> 00:06:27,123
God's watching.
Excellent!

130
00:06:31,317 --> 00:06:33,472
Man, they spent a lot of money
on this porno.

131
00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:37,681
Whoa-- Morgan Freeman?
Man, that guy's in everything.

132
00:06:38,068 --> 00:06:41,100
Aw, man, I grabbed
the wrong Deep Impact!

133
00:06:41,976 --> 00:06:43,791
No, leave it in, it's a good movie.

134
00:06:43,805 --> 00:06:47,750
- But, dude, there's no sex in it.
- Yeah, just like marriage. Huh? Right?

135
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:51,561
Oh, oh, hey, check this out!
Don't ask how,

136
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:55,503
but I procured for us five loco-bueno,

137
00:06:55,517 --> 00:06:58,133
hand-rolled, highly illegal Cubans.

138
00:06:58,147 --> 00:07:00,302
Seriously, you could go to jail
for smoking these things.

139
00:07:00,308 --> 00:07:02,891
Marriage is like jail!
Right, fellas?!

140
00:07:04,616 --> 00:07:06,852
But at least in jail,
you get to have sex!

141
00:07:09,438 --> 00:07:13,450
But we're not lighting these babies up,
till we get to the A.C.

142
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:14,540
A.C.?

143
00:07:14,607 --> 00:07:17,390
Um, Atlantic City.
Try to keep up, Brad.

144
00:07:17,452 --> 00:07:19,453
We're not going to Atlantic City.

145
00:07:21,239 --> 00:07:22,520
Just a second, Brad.

146
00:07:26,517 --> 00:07:28,233
- Hi.
- Hi.

147
00:07:29,379 --> 00:07:31,193
We're still going
to Atlantic City, right?

148
00:07:31,207 --> 00:07:34,723
Oh, did I not tell you? Yeah, we
switched it. We're going to Foxwoods.

149
00:07:34,815 --> 00:07:36,302
Foxwoods?

150
00:07:36,336 --> 00:07:42,640
But I've got an ipperstray
waiting in tlanticaay itycay.

151
00:07:42,905 --> 00:07:44,432
What the heck's in Foxwoods?

152
00:07:44,448 --> 00:07:47,651
Well, we've got five third row seats
to the Popinski-Salazar rematch.

153
00:07:47,956 --> 00:07:50,192
They've set aside
our very own craps table,

154
00:07:50,215 --> 00:07:52,203
and I reserved a private room
for us at Connelly's,

155
00:07:52,216 --> 00:07:54,862
where the five of us are going
to be sharing a 102-ounce steak

156
00:07:54,876 --> 00:07:57,323
from a cow that I picked out
on the Internet.

157
00:07:57,505 --> 00:08:00,002
- Yeah.
- Great. The night's ruined.

158
00:08:00,348 --> 00:08:03,002
Sorry, Barney.
It was an honest mistake.

159
00:08:07,085 --> 00:08:09,243
This is going to be great!

160
00:08:09,278 --> 00:08:12,501
Meat, violence,
throwing money down the toilet.

161
00:08:12,525 --> 00:08:14,742
America-- one;
every other country-- zero.

162
00:08:15,107 --> 00:08:16,803
- Thanks, guys.
- Yeah.

163
00:08:17,458 --> 00:08:20,600
- You okay, Barney?
- What can I say, Ted? You won.

164
00:08:21,985 --> 00:08:23,000
Hi.

165
00:08:23,665 --> 00:08:26,123
You one... sad, pathetic loser.

166
00:08:26,396 --> 00:08:28,773
Boys, say hello to Treasure.

167
00:08:29,245 --> 00:08:30,520
Hi, Treasure.

168
00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:34,243
- I can't believe that you did this.
- I had to.

169
00:08:34,255 --> 00:08:35,613
- I'm your best man.
- Ted's my best man.

170
00:08:35,627 --> 00:08:37,570
You've yet to make a decision
and that's fine.

171
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:41,470
But as your best-man-to-be, it's my job
to make sure at your bachelor party

172
00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:45,312
you see a woman take her clothes off while
dancing to Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again."

173
00:08:48,957 --> 00:08:51,583
All right, fine, but...
let's make it fast, all right.

174
00:08:51,596 --> 00:08:53,331
The fight starts in an hour
we don't want to miss it.

175
00:08:53,345 --> 00:08:55,860
It's a girl taking her clothes off.
How long can it take?

176
00:08:55,878 --> 00:08:57,553
It's a bit more complicated than that.

177
00:08:57,568 --> 00:09:00,881
I need two grounded sockets, a large
sterile pot filled with hot water

178
00:09:00,897 --> 00:09:03,083
and you all need to sign these releases.

179
00:09:06,875 --> 00:09:11,250
An egg beater!
Aw, thank you, Aunt Sylvia!

180
00:09:11,338 --> 00:09:13,031
I love that it's cordless.

181
00:09:13,047 --> 00:09:14,791
Well, at least I got that part right.

182
00:09:15,925 --> 00:09:18,580
All of these gifts are so thoughtful.

183
00:09:18,968 --> 00:09:20,002
Lily?

184
00:09:20,288 --> 00:09:23,530
I need you to look at me right now
and read my mind.

185
00:09:24,235 --> 00:09:26,731
- Oh, my God! You're hearing me!
- Yeah!

186
00:09:27,176 --> 00:09:29,531
Sorry this party's so boring.
What's up?

187
00:09:29,866 --> 00:09:33,902
Do not open my gift.
See what I'm doing here?

188
00:09:33,916 --> 00:09:37,592
I'm looking over at the gift,
then back at you,

189
00:09:37,605 --> 00:09:40,461
and I'm shaking my head, "no."

190
00:09:40,586 --> 00:09:43,982
Gift. You. No.

191
00:09:44,465 --> 00:09:47,813
- Are you getting that?
- I totally got it.

192
00:09:54,306 --> 00:09:56,182
Here you go.

193
00:09:57,247 --> 00:09:59,860
Lily said it was your time of the month.

194
00:10:00,707 --> 00:10:01,991
You're welcome.

195
00:10:07,806 --> 00:10:08,993
What are you doing?

196
00:10:09,285 --> 00:10:15,022
Oh, just, um... rearranging the gifts.
The pile looked a bit precarious. So...

197
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:17,280
Oh, don't worry, I'll keep an eye on it.

198
00:10:17,476 --> 00:10:19,482
Great. You do that.

199
00:10:20,096 --> 00:10:21,910
You're gonna make a damn good nun.

200
00:10:26,757 --> 00:10:29,322
As many times as Robin told
this story over the years,

201
00:10:29,335 --> 00:10:32,791
she would never quite be able
to explain the logic of her next move.

202
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,973
Is this a strip show or a Kiss concert?

203
00:10:41,985 --> 00:10:44,010
Shh! She's starting.

204
00:10:44,126 --> 00:10:47,762
Please turn off your cell phones,
pagers and sense of shame.

205
00:10:48,578 --> 00:10:54,040
All right, boys. Lie back, get
comfortable, and enjoy the show.

206
00:10:58,797 --> 00:11:01,331
Of course there's no way
I'm telling you about her show.

207
00:11:01,358 --> 00:11:03,523
- So, let's skip ahead a little.
- Ow!

208
00:11:04,327 --> 00:11:06,633
Oh my God, are you all right?

209
00:11:06,648 --> 00:11:09,473
No, I am not all right, you idiot.
My ankle is broken!

210
00:11:09,516 --> 00:11:12,650
- Take me to the hospital!
- Um, actually, we have tickets.

211
00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:16,370
You know what?
Thanks a lot, Barney.

212
00:11:16,375 --> 00:11:17,763
She told you at the beginning of the show

213
00:11:17,775 --> 00:11:20,101
not to use the smoke machine
when she's on the hippity hop.

214
00:11:20,117 --> 00:11:22,810
Now I'm going to have to spend the rest
of my bachelor party in a hospital.

215
00:11:22,828 --> 00:11:24,560
Well, hey, maybe
we'll get to see her X-rays.

216
00:11:24,578 --> 00:11:26,463
The ultimate strip show.

217
00:11:26,478 --> 00:11:30,281
- X-rays. More like triple X-rays.
- Just stop.

218
00:11:32,285 --> 00:11:33,690
Which exit is the hospital?

219
00:11:33,707 --> 00:11:35,601
What if she doesn't make it
to the hospital?

220
00:11:35,625 --> 00:11:37,211
Barney, please calm down.

221
00:11:37,218 --> 00:11:38,632
Maybe we should just
take her to the desert,

222
00:11:38,636 --> 00:11:40,501
bury her and wash our hands
of this whole thing!

223
00:11:40,586 --> 00:11:42,121
Dude, what is the matter with you?

224
00:11:42,138 --> 00:11:44,270
I'm just trying to illustrate
to Marshall that as his best man...

225
00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:46,153
- You're not my best man.
- As his best man,

226
00:11:46,166 --> 00:11:48,012
I would help him bury
a hooker in the desert.

227
00:11:48,028 --> 00:11:49,910
- I'm not a hooker.
- And you're not my best man.

228
00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:51,573
You've ruined my bachelor party.

229
00:11:51,705 --> 00:11:54,523
I don't know why you wouldn't just listen
to me when I said I didn't want this.

230
00:11:54,535 --> 00:11:57,271
Well, the fight started ten minutes ago.
Maybe-maybe we should listen.

231
00:11:57,595 --> 00:11:59,211
Oh, Doctor, what a fight!

232
00:11:59,228 --> 00:12:01,803
That knockout will be talked about
for years to come!

233
00:12:01,817 --> 00:12:03,653
Anyone lucky enough to be
in the arena tonight

234
00:12:03,658 --> 00:12:06,421
just witnessed boxing history
in the making!

235
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:12,602
Thank you so much, Margaret. I can't
believe you carved that crucifix yourself.

236
00:12:12,617 --> 00:12:14,191
So talented.

237
00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:16,243
Didn't think you could carve.

238
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:23,683
For you.
Oh. And this one's from...

239
00:12:24,408 --> 00:12:27,131
- Grandma Lois.
- Oh. No, wait, darling.

240
00:12:28,895 --> 00:12:32,122
Before you open this,
I-I want to say a few words.

241
00:12:32,136 --> 00:12:33,861
Okay, something you need to know.

242
00:12:34,225 --> 00:12:38,600
Grandma Lois thought she was giving her
granddaughter an antique sewing machine.

243
00:12:39,587 --> 00:12:40,841
And we're back in.

244
00:12:41,226 --> 00:12:47,422
Honey, this handy little device has been
in our family for generations.

245
00:12:47,437 --> 00:12:50,302
I used it,
your great grandmother used it.

246
00:12:50,318 --> 00:12:54,842
Now, her mother didn't use this one,
but she used one just like it.

247
00:12:54,865 --> 00:12:57,551
Of course, back then,
they were made out of wood.

248
00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:01,552
And, uh, I guess before that,
you just had to do it by hand.

249
00:13:01,575 --> 00:13:04,772
- Would you pass the wine, please?
- No.

250
00:13:05,875 --> 00:13:07,052
Hey, Marshall,

251
00:13:07,256 --> 00:13:09,461
while we're here, you may as well
go down to the morgue and

252
00:13:09,475 --> 00:13:12,531
climb into a drawer, 'cause
that's what marriage is like.

253
00:13:12,547 --> 00:13:14,031
Can I get an amen?

254
00:13:16,557 --> 00:13:18,581
- Is everything all right at home, Stuart?
- No.

255
00:13:27,577 --> 00:13:28,833
It's broken.

256
00:13:28,948 --> 00:13:33,392
Oh, damn it, this is bad.
I really can't lose this job.

257
00:13:33,778 --> 00:13:38,703
My daughters are about to start school,
and my fiancé, well...

258
00:13:39,076 --> 00:13:42,832
ever since he got back from Iraq,
pretty much all he does is drink.

259
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:45,402
I think about leaving him, but...

260
00:13:45,476 --> 00:13:49,593
I don't want my girls growing up
without a dad like I did.

261
00:13:50,005 --> 00:13:52,142
I don't want them
to know what that's like.

262
00:13:55,855 --> 00:13:58,660
- So, show time?
- What is the matter with you?

263
00:13:58,787 --> 00:14:00,250
Her ankle's broken.

264
00:14:00,267 --> 00:14:03,242
I know for a fact that
the second half of her act

265
00:14:03,258 --> 00:14:05,872
takes place largely
in a seated or supine position.

266
00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:07,133
Oh, that's true.

267
00:14:07,485 --> 00:14:10,440
Treasure, please,
don't worry about the show.

268
00:14:10,778 --> 00:14:12,172
Uh, we'd feel bad.

269
00:14:12,946 --> 00:14:14,211
What does that mean?

270
00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:16,230
No. We just mean, uh,
you're off the hook.

271
00:14:16,248 --> 00:14:17,563
You don't have to do it.

272
00:14:17,836 --> 00:14:20,410
I don't have to do it?
Well, guess what?

273
00:14:20,425 --> 00:14:25,140
I know I don't have to do it.
I do it because I am good at it.

274
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:26,972
Look, I don't need your pity.

275
00:14:27,008 --> 00:14:31,070
All I want to do is give you a great show
because you're getting married!

276
00:14:31,115 --> 00:14:35,162
Is that so much to ask?
Is that such a major inconvenience?!

277
00:14:46,656 --> 00:14:47,913
Oh, that is wrong.

278
00:14:49,378 --> 00:14:50,771
Oh, that's just so wrong.

279
00:14:52,137 --> 00:14:55,603
Well, the doctor did say for her
to keep it elevated.

280
00:15:00,118 --> 00:15:04,112
When I was a girl, my mother taught me
and my sister to use it.

281
00:15:04,176 --> 00:15:07,430
We used to have contests
to see who could finish faster.

282
00:15:07,446 --> 00:15:11,282
It was so exciting. The whole family
would gather around to watch.

283
00:15:11,806 --> 00:15:16,211
And when I was a new bride,
this is what kept me buzy

284
00:15:16,228 --> 00:15:19,981
all those long nights when
your grandfather was in Korea.

285
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:23,211
And speaking of your grandfather,

286
00:15:23,227 --> 00:15:27,721
though I don't think he'd care to admit
this to any of his army buddies, but...

287
00:15:28,587 --> 00:15:31,211
he'd have a go at it
every once in a while.

288
00:15:31,676 --> 00:15:33,490
And he enjoyed it.

289
00:15:34,918 --> 00:15:36,773
Oh, open it up, sweetie.

290
00:15:36,786 --> 00:15:40,132
May this give for you as much joy
as it's brought me.

291
00:16:03,417 --> 00:16:04,801
Grandma, um...

292
00:16:06,848 --> 00:16:07,683
Wow.

293
00:16:08,227 --> 00:16:12,311
Well, take it out, honey.
I want to show you how to use it.

294
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,241
Okay, no, no!
Don't take it out.

295
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:19,181
Lily, that's not your grandma's gift.
It's mine.

296
00:16:19,207 --> 00:16:23,370
I panicked, and I switched the cards
because I was embarrassed.

297
00:16:23,406 --> 00:16:24,933
Well, what is it?

298
00:16:34,948 --> 00:16:39,133
It's just like the one Miranda gave
to Charlotte on Sex and the City.

299
00:16:39,177 --> 00:16:42,903
Oh, I love that show.
I always watch it on TBS.

300
00:16:43,016 --> 00:16:45,531
Oh, you would.
You're such a Samantha!

301
00:16:45,547 --> 00:16:48,042
Oh, I'm a Carrie!
You're a Samantha!

302
00:16:49,365 --> 00:16:52,471
And then the night became
a whole new kind of uncomfortable.

303
00:16:53,775 --> 00:16:56,283
- So where do I get one of these?
- Mom!

304
00:16:59,906 --> 00:17:02,012
Man, what a show, huh?

305
00:17:02,336 --> 00:17:04,871
She did some disgusting stuff.
Really sticks with you.

306
00:17:06,498 --> 00:17:08,053
I may be done eating.

307
00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:09,451
Me, too.

308
00:17:09,647 --> 00:17:11,530
I mean, like, forever.

309
00:17:12,035 --> 00:17:13,083
Me, too.

310
00:17:13,576 --> 00:17:14,911
I miss my wife.

311
00:17:16,677 --> 00:17:20,200
Hey, let's go around the table
and say what our favorite part was.

312
00:17:20,308 --> 00:17:22,611
Mine was that thing with the typewriter.

313
00:17:22,997 --> 00:17:25,943
I mean, she made some
spelling mistakes, but still.

314
00:17:26,876 --> 00:17:29,512
Ooh, and you guys were all,
"Barney, put out the cigar!

315
00:17:29,528 --> 00:17:33,032
It's a non-smoking room!" And I was all,
"Hell, no, this is a Cuban!"

316
00:17:33,778 --> 00:17:36,402
Of course, eventually,
I did put it out.

317
00:17:37,446 --> 00:17:38,461
Did I put it out?

318
00:17:39,207 --> 00:17:40,221
I put it out.

319
00:17:41,285 --> 00:17:42,582
Did I put it out?

320
00:17:43,826 --> 00:17:45,073
I put it out.

321
00:17:46,778 --> 00:17:47,900
Did I put it out?

322
00:17:48,327 --> 00:17:52,112
It was a small fire, not even big enough
to force an evacuation of the hotel,

323
00:17:52,127 --> 00:17:54,160
but definitely big enough
to get us kicked out,

324
00:17:54,177 --> 00:17:57,082
and bring Marshall's
bachelor party to an early end.

325
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:58,583
Is that...?

326
00:18:00,376 --> 00:18:01,600
It is.

327
00:18:06,108 --> 00:18:07,340
Hey, guys.

328
00:18:10,027 --> 00:18:11,020
How was the fight?

329
00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:18,153
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
What happened to the bachelor party?

330
00:18:18,167 --> 00:18:20,592
We missed the fight, dinner was ruined,

331
00:18:20,616 --> 00:18:23,801
we spent half the night in the hospital,
and got kicked out of the hotel.

332
00:18:23,888 --> 00:18:26,353
- What do you think happened?
- Barney. Barney.

333
00:18:26,456 --> 00:18:28,481
Hey, I was just trying
to be a good best man.

334
00:18:29,048 --> 00:18:32,092
You know what a best man does, Barney?
He does what the groom wants.

335
00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:35,212
But all you ever think about is
what you want, what's best for you.

336
00:18:35,227 --> 00:18:36,133
Best man?

337
00:18:36,205 --> 00:18:38,433
I'm not even sure I'm inviting you
to the wedding at this point.

338
00:18:38,505 --> 00:18:39,620
You don't mean that.

339
00:18:39,635 --> 00:18:42,582
Why should I invite you?
You don't even want us to get married.

340
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:46,981
That's not true.

341
00:18:47,317 --> 00:18:48,622
Lily, don't.

342
00:18:49,745 --> 00:18:50,592
What?

343
00:18:52,657 --> 00:18:53,783
I'm sorry, Barney.

344
00:18:54,136 --> 00:18:56,652
It happened last summer
when we were broken up.

345
00:18:58,807 --> 00:19:00,822
Hey, what are you guys talking about?

346
00:19:01,165 --> 00:19:02,950
- Lily.
- Ah, I got to go.

347
00:19:08,965 --> 00:19:10,472
Newark Airport, please.

348
00:19:18,708 --> 00:19:20,722
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Barney, what are you doing here?

349
00:19:20,737 --> 00:19:22,463
I can't believe it's really you.
Come in, have a seat.

350
00:19:22,476 --> 00:19:24,260
Do you want some tea?
I know the apartment's small,

351
00:19:24,278 --> 00:19:26,231
but I don't need much space.
Let me show you some of my paintings.

352
00:19:26,237 --> 00:19:28,411
I think it's some of my best work ever.
Just stop it.

353
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:32,263
Lily, you have to come home.
You and Marshall belong together.

354
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,030
The two of you

355
00:19:33,038 --> 00:19:35,611
have something that most people search
their whole lives for and never find.

356
00:19:35,617 --> 00:19:38,201
I know you love him, and if you knew
what he was going through right now,

357
00:19:38,216 --> 00:19:40,542
you wouldn't be here
for one more second.

358
00:19:41,227 --> 00:19:42,743
I bought you a ticket home.

359
00:19:43,137 --> 00:19:45,283
Marshall is one
of the best people I know,

360
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,430
and it won't be long until
someone else realizes that,

361
00:19:47,448 --> 00:19:49,041
and you'll lose him forever.

362
00:19:49,457 --> 00:19:50,983
I can't stand the thought
of that happening,

363
00:19:51,007 --> 00:19:53,711
and I cannot keep stealing
chicks from him forever.

364
00:19:54,646 --> 00:19:57,701
Never, ever tell anyone I was here.
I will deny it tooth and nail.

365
00:19:57,716 --> 00:19:59,210
This trip never happened.

366
00:20:02,708 --> 00:20:04,661
Hey, if you had three hours to kill
before your flight, what would you do--

367
00:20:04,677 --> 00:20:06,801
Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?

368
00:20:11,216 --> 00:20:12,500
You really did that?

369
00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:20,411
Marshall, I think Barney's
your best man.

370
00:20:21,205 --> 00:20:21,990
Yeah.

371
00:20:22,215 --> 00:20:23,243
Yes, he is.

372
00:20:23,246 --> 00:20:25,721
See, Lily?
This is why I didn't...

373
00:20:26,076 --> 00:20:27,472
- Really?
- Really.

374
00:20:28,678 --> 00:20:29,601
Real...

375
00:20:29,968 --> 00:20:32,623
In your face, loser!

376
00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:36,231
Take it easy, all right.
Ted's still my best man, too.

377
00:20:36,245 --> 00:20:38,041
You guys are co-best men.

378
00:20:38,107 --> 00:20:41,330
Right.
Yes, we're both best man.

379
00:20:42,677 --> 00:20:45,312
No, um, seriously.
You guys are co-best men.

380
00:20:45,405 --> 00:20:46,692
Of course.

381
00:20:56,276 --> 00:20:58,102
I can't believe you got me this.

382
00:20:58,126 --> 00:21:01,241
Oh, I only did it as a joke.
I can return it for you you want.

383
00:21:01,247 --> 00:21:04,703
Oh, no, it's okay. You don't have
to go all the way back down there.

384
00:21:04,717 --> 00:21:06,920
- I'll, I'll just throw it away.
- Well, I mean,

385
00:21:06,935 --> 00:21:08,413
if you were going to throw it away,
maybe I'll take it

386
00:21:08,428 --> 00:21:10,972
in case I get invited
to another wedding shower.

387
00:21:10,987 --> 00:21:14,023
- It's a great gag gift.
- Yeah, it's really funny.

388
00:21:14,387 --> 00:21:16,003
You know who would get a kick out of it?

389
00:21:16,015 --> 00:21:16,991
Marshall.

390
00:21:17,007 --> 00:21:18,981
So, so maybe I'll just hold on to it.

391
00:21:19,526 --> 00:21:22,741
I would be embarrassed if Marshall
found out that I bought it for you,

392
00:21:22,756 --> 00:21:25,260
- so I'd better just take it.
- Robin, leave it.

393
00:21:27,778 --> 00:21:32,000
Subtitles : Willow's Team
Transcript : Raceman
www.forom.com