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Kids, everyone has one or two moments
when they make a huge, crazy decision
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00:00:05,285 --> 00:00:07,111
that changes their lives forever.
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This is the story of mine.
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It all started with a visit from my mom
and her longtime boyfriend Clint,
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who was always saying stuff like...
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Your mother is a very
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very erotic woman.
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Please don't.
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As a painter, slash,
songwriter, slash,
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volunteer fear-fighter,
I find her...
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incredibly sexual.
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But you have your own sexual memories
with your mom, don't you?
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Please don't.
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Exiting her womb, receiving her milk.
You get me?
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Good.
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I cannot believe I am with that man.
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It's okay. You don't have to settle.
There are plenty of guys who...
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He is so cool!
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And he picked me!
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Well, I'm glad you're both so happy.
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Good, because we do
have an announcement...
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Son.
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{\1c&H7f1ae7&}Synchro: Mickeyte & {\1c&H0000ff&}MiniBen314{\c}
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{\1c&H18dfff&}Traduction: Lino72 & MiniBen314{\c}
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{\1c&H0000ff&}Relecture: MiniBen314{\c}
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{\1c&H00ff00&}5x20 - Home Wreckers{\c}
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{\1c&H87692e&}par la "Have You Met Team"
pour www.forom.com{\c}
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Yes, my my mom was lapping me.
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Getting married for a second time
before I was even married once.
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I was so happy for them.
So freaking happy.
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Still, weddings can be magical.
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{\pos(192,210)}For all I knew, I'd end up sharing
a dance with my future wife there.
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{\pos(192,220)}And if you don't boil
those jam jars,
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{\pos(192,220)}it's just a welcome mat
for bacteria.
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That wasn't her.
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{\pos(192,210)}Congratulations!
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{\pos(192,210)}We are so happy for you.
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{\pos(192,210)}I feel like I'm 19 again.
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{\pos(192,190)}It's like the last 35 years
of my life never happened.
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{\pos(192,210)}So wonderful to hear, mom.
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Son, to show that
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{\pos(192,210)}your mom and I will always
be there for you,
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{\pos(192,210)}I want you to have
this beautiful picture
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that I painted.
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Kids, there was no guitar.
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Excuse me, Ted.
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{\pos(192,210)}- Best...
- Wedding...
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{\pos(192,210)}- E...
- ... ver.
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{\pos(192,210)}Hello everyone.
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{\pos(192,210)}Mahallow for being here with us.
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{\pos(192,210)}My entire life...
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This life.
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I've waited for a muse
like Virginia.
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{\pos(192,210)}This is your song.
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When I squeeze her trembling bosom
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The blood pumps to my loins
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When I penetrate her...
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Kids, I swear to God,
I blacked out for the next 12 minutes.
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So I have no idea how the song
got to this ending.
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And Mahatma Gandhi
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And the pancakes
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Everyone!
And the dragon
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And you
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Guess what Robin just did.
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Red and true...
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Are you crying?
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{\pos(192,210)}I know it's stupid, but...
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{\pos(192,210)}And the dragon...
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{\pos(192,210)}They're happy, you know?
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{\pos(192,210)}No as happy as I am, Robin.
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Guess what Robin just did.
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{\pos(192,210)}And then, I told you guys
what Robin just did,
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{\pos(192,210)}but you were there for that.
I gotta tell the rest of the wedding.
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Aunt Meredith!
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Kids, I can't overstate
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how horrible it is to be the single guy
at your own mother's second wedding.
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So, Ted, when's your wedding?
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So Ted, when's your wedding?
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When's your wedding.
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Robin cried at Clint's song.
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I told you already.
Ted's hot sister, Heather!
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I have to leave.
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Wait, Ted. What about your toast?
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Make up some emergency or something.
I can't handle this.
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Ted, where are you going?
It's your mother's wedding!
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Uncle Larry, my hand to God.
Niagra Falls.
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She's pouring.
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And my friends didn't see me
for the next 72 hours.
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Seriously, is Ted okay?
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I know it was
a rough weekend, but...
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- this radio silence is weird.
- I know.
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His mom's called, like, five times
asking where he disappeared to.
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Sorry, Robin.
They're all out of pretzels.
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And I know how emotional you get.
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Let it go.
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Let it go.
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- I cried at Clint's song.
- She cried at Clint's song.
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- Ted, where have you been?
- Are you okay?
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I'm better than okay.
I'm on top of the world.
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Come on.
We're going for a ride!
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Buddy, do you want to, maybe,
let somebody who isn't having
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00:05:02,328 --> 00:05:04,447
some sort of manic episode
drive for a while?
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00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:06,472
And where they are we going?
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00:05:06,897 --> 00:05:09,934
First, let me tell you what happened
the night of the wedding.
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Watching my mom get married,
I realized how far behind I was
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in my own life.
I just had to get out of there.
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So I went back to my hotel room
and got onto this Web site
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I sometimes visit
when I can't sleep...
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We do not want to know what you
and the Internet do when you're lonely.
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That's not the part of a night,
I was talking about.
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I went to my favorite
real estate auction site:
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"Come on, we've all got one"
scrolled through a few properties and...
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Guys...
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I just bought my dream house.
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{\--------PUB--------}What do you mean
you bought this house?
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I made a bid online. I won the auction
the next day and I got approval.
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I just finalized the paperwork.
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And was the Blair Witch
easy to deal with,
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or did she haggle
over the closing costs?
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Don't even joke about that, man.
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So, I'm thinking this room will be
the study. A place just for Dad.
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The kids are welcome in here
if they're reading a book, but no toys.
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It's not a question of withholding love.
It's a question of drawing boundaries.
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This is insane.
This is going to take years
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and a small fortune to make livable.
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I'm an architect, I'll find a way,
and if I start right now,
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it'll be done by the time the ol'wifey
and I are ready to move in.
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Is she in the room
with us right now, Ted?
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I know I haven't found
Mrs. Mosby yet, but
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I will, knock on wood.
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Careful, buddy.
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You can't just skip ahead
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to where you think your life
should be. It doesn't work that way.
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I got agree. This maybe
the stupidness thing ever done.
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Stupidest thing any of us
has ever done.
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- Let's lay off Ted.
- Thank you.
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We've all done some stupid things
in our lives. For example,
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I remember a time when I dropped
some bottle rockets in the toilet,
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and I tried to dry them
off in the microwave.
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00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,998
God, you must have been
drunk off your ass.
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00:07:05,123 --> 00:07:08,078
Too stupid to be an adult.
He was obviously a kid when it happened.
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Kid? Why...
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Great new game:
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"Drunk or Kid". Which one was I?
Lock in your guesses.
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- Drunk.
- Kid.
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Drumroll, please.
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I was...
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Drunk!
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You know,
I'm glad Robin got it right
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Cause, she's very sensitive
and fragile.
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I'm referencing the time
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she cried at Clint's song.
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And even though I'm whispering,
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I actually hope she hears me.
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- It wasn't me!
- What?
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I'm not the one who cried
at Clint's song.
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Are you crying?
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I know it's stupid, but...
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And the dragon...
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They're just so happy, you know?
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Not as happy as I am.
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I'll give you $500 if this{\just} happened
to you instead of me.
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500 bucks? Deal.
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Thank you, Robin.
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You just save me unspeakable
public humiliation and shame.
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Guess what Robin just did.
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Wait, you guys are...
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Hi, I'm here for the inspection.
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Great! I was worried
you weren't coming.
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I was actually here a few minutes ago,
but I guess the doorbell doesn't work.
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Doorbell does not work.
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Wait. You're just getting
this place inspected now?
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Let's all remember that we've all done
some stupid things in our lives.
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For example, I once
tried to ride my bike down
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an extension ladder from
the roof of a two-story house.
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The only looming question is
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was I drunk or kid?
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- Drunk!
- Kid!
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00:09:05,051 --> 00:09:06,336
Drumroll, please.
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I was...
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Marshall's dead!
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A kid!
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00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:19,224
Moms, right?
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00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:22,462
Just always making a big deal
out of nothing.
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00:09:22,587 --> 00:09:24,438
I came out of coma in under a week.
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Let's check out the porch, huh?
Come on.
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00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:29,990
I'm going to put a grill out here.
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Every Sunday, right here,
it's going to be a total sausage fest.
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00:09:33,683 --> 00:09:34,883
Sausage party?
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00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,243
Burgers.
We'll do burgers.
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00:09:37,411 --> 00:09:41,163
Stop it. You can't keep this house.
It's a huge mistake.
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00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:42,481
Listen to me.
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00:09:42,606 --> 00:09:45,149
I had a plan, okay?
Wife, house, kids.
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As it turns out, the universe
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00:09:47,006 --> 00:09:49,422
is being kind of a wad
about the whole wife and kids part.
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So, what's the one thing I can control?
The house.
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00:09:52,764 --> 00:09:54,885
I bought it.
It's not a huge mistake.
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00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:56,595
Exactly. Now, me
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00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:59,626
driving my brother's car
the wrong way down I-94,
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00:09:59,751 --> 00:10:01,451
that was a huge mistake.
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00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,258
- Drunk!
- Kid!
202
00:10:04,383 --> 00:10:05,383
I was...
203
00:10:07,916 --> 00:10:08,916
A kid!
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00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:17,408
Did you cry on that guy
or something?
205
00:10:17,821 --> 00:10:20,453
You got leaky pipes.
But the bright side:
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00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:24,343
the pond in your basement is drowning
some of the larger, slower rats.
207
00:10:24,468 --> 00:10:27,918
The rest of them, well...
they're headed this way.
208
00:10:29,934 --> 00:10:33,591
See, you should have waited to find out
the problems with this house.
209
00:10:33,759 --> 00:10:36,954
You can always find problems with any
decision, {\but }you can't let that stop you.
210
00:10:37,079 --> 00:10:40,222
Freshman year, Marshall knew right away
he wanted to spend his life with you.
211
00:10:40,742 --> 00:10:43,517
What if someone had been there
to second-guess that decision?
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00:10:44,704 --> 00:10:45,704
Bye.
213
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:50,524
I know we've only been
on two dates, but,
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00:10:50,922 --> 00:10:53,665
dammit, Lily Aldrin,
I'm gonna marry you.
215
00:10:53,790 --> 00:10:54,890
Not so fast.
216
00:10:59,169 --> 00:11:01,043
We got some structural issues here.
217
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:04,330
These hips
are not Eriksen baby-compliant.
218
00:11:04,916 --> 00:11:08,250
And this thing right here
does not have a proper filter.
219
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:10,919
That's a maintenance issue
that's never going to go away.
220
00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:15,080
And I know you think
that you like this Gothic exterior now
221
00:11:15,205 --> 00:11:19,178
but deep down, didn't you always
picture yourself in something Spanish?
222
00:11:20,636 --> 00:11:23,390
I'd recommend you look
into the rental option.
223
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,822
But Marshall
took that leap of faith,
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00:11:25,947 --> 00:11:28,854
and it's the best thing
that ever happened to you both.
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00:11:29,854 --> 00:11:31,570
It was Robin!
226
00:11:32,524 --> 00:11:33,567
"What?!"
227
00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:36,617
Yes, it was Robin
who cried at Clint's song!
228
00:11:36,742 --> 00:11:38,864
"But she said..."
I know what she said.
229
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,991
But here's what
she didn't want you to know.
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00:11:41,866 --> 00:11:43,395
Listen, Barney,
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00:11:43,704 --> 00:11:46,553
I can't stand all these jokes
about me crying.
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00:11:46,906 --> 00:11:49,244
If I pretend to reveal
that you were the one who cried,
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00:11:49,369 --> 00:11:50,919
will you go along with it?
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00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,044
Sure.
235
00:11:53,277 --> 00:11:55,927
I made a mistake
letting you go, didn't I?
236
00:11:57,526 --> 00:11:59,436
Your penis is enormous.
237
00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:03,180
- Dude, you almost had us.
- You always take it one too far.
238
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:04,348
Dammit.
239
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:07,885
All right, good news.
Think we'll be out of here early.
240
00:12:08,010 --> 00:12:09,010
Really?
241
00:12:09,135 --> 00:12:12,136
I finished downstairs and the outside.
Now, I could keep looking
242
00:12:12,261 --> 00:12:15,104
and see what else I can find
besides the black mold,
243
00:12:15,229 --> 00:12:17,862
the damaged retaining wall,
the frayed electrical wires,
244
00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:21,073
the lead paint, the water damage,
the fire damage, the sun damage,
245
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,242
the broken furnace,
the rotted floorboards...
246
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:24,785
Look at that. No termites.
247
00:12:25,339 --> 00:12:27,245
The cracked chimney,
the bats, the rats,
248
00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:30,415
the spiders, the raccoons, the hobo,
the detached gutter,
249
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,051
the outdated fuse box and
the paint job in the kitchen,
250
00:12:33,176 --> 00:12:36,422
which is fine, but the trim
really clashes with the countertops.
251
00:12:36,729 --> 00:12:38,131
Or I could just recommend
252
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:41,506
that you do not buy this godforsaken
Guantanamo Bay of a house,
253
00:12:41,631 --> 00:12:43,759
and suggest that we all
get our asses out of here
254
00:12:43,884 --> 00:12:46,515
before a medium-sized wind
blows the whole sumbitch down.
255
00:12:50,277 --> 00:12:52,313
What if I already
bought the sum'bitch?
256
00:12:55,291 --> 00:12:57,610
I will check out the upstairs.
257
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,250
Did he say he found a hobo?
258
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:10,313
Okay, yes. There are problems.
259
00:13:10,438 --> 00:13:13,792
But I see this house
for what I know it can be.
260
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,296
I see a swing on that tree outside.
261
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:19,240
I see a wreath
on the front door at Christmas.
262
00:13:19,483 --> 00:13:20,633
I see a grill
263
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:24,158
out on that patio where I'll be
barbecuing every weekend.
264
00:13:24,775 --> 00:13:28,002
I see a life that I know
I can have here.
265
00:13:35,133 --> 00:13:36,433
I see a lawsuit.
266
00:13:37,887 --> 00:13:39,137
Found termites.
267
00:13:45,601 --> 00:13:49,463
{\--------PUB--------}Well, the good news is the inspector
killed some roaches on impact.
268
00:13:49,588 --> 00:13:50,714
Hold on.
269
00:13:51,251 --> 00:13:54,367
Giant hole in second floor.
270
00:13:54,492 --> 00:13:56,710
Just wanted to make sure
the report is thorough.
271
00:13:59,481 --> 00:14:00,731
You were right.
272
00:14:01,214 --> 00:14:03,467
This was a huge mistake.
It's just...
273
00:14:04,492 --> 00:14:07,285
Everyone's moving on but me.
You guys got a place years ago.
274
00:14:07,410 --> 00:14:09,055
Robin's getting serious with Don.
275
00:14:09,885 --> 00:14:12,017
Barney... Maybe that's a new tie?
276
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,485
Thank you. Geez.
277
00:14:14,692 --> 00:14:16,355
Now my mom is remarried.
278
00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:20,830
I'm exactly where I was
five years ago. I'm sick of it.
279
00:14:21,746 --> 00:14:24,363
I'm ready for the life
that fits into this house.
280
00:14:25,746 --> 00:14:27,346
It's all right, buddy.
281
00:14:28,222 --> 00:14:31,272
Sometimes people make
the wrong decisions in life.
282
00:14:32,638 --> 00:14:33,988
Like your mother.
283
00:14:35,311 --> 00:14:36,661
What do you mean?
284
00:14:37,590 --> 00:14:39,768
As you know, I've always been
285
00:14:39,893 --> 00:14:42,256
very, very fond of your mother.
286
00:14:42,424 --> 00:14:44,264
- Please don't.
- In fact,
287
00:14:44,389 --> 00:14:47,227
Virginia and I shared
a special moment back in
288
00:14:47,352 --> 00:14:49,122
2006 B.C....
289
00:14:49,953 --> 00:14:51,348
Before Clint.
290
00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:55,927
- What the hell are you talking about?
- I wanted to be your dad!
291
00:14:56,822 --> 00:14:59,565
- What does that even mean?
- Don't you talk back to me, young man.
292
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:02,682
That's why I cried at Clint's song.
293
00:15:02,807 --> 00:15:05,266
Because that bastard
took her away from me.
294
00:15:05,391 --> 00:15:07,507
And now, all I'm left with...
295
00:15:08,430 --> 00:15:11,493
is the memory
of dropping her off at the airport.
296
00:15:13,543 --> 00:15:15,743
And that's how you got the brooch?
297
00:15:15,946 --> 00:15:17,096
Unbelievable.
298
00:15:22,497 --> 00:15:24,422
So... Here we are.
299
00:15:26,194 --> 00:15:27,294
Here we are.
300
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,444
- We made good time...
- Not a lot of traffic...
301
00:15:37,194 --> 00:15:39,851
- I love this song.
- Do you? I can...
302
00:15:48,413 --> 00:15:49,413
Listen...
303
00:15:49,743 --> 00:15:50,824
Ted's mom.
304
00:15:51,796 --> 00:15:52,796
I...
305
00:15:53,434 --> 00:15:54,734
should really...
306
00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:13,363
Your penis is enormous.
307
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,610
Again?! Always one too far!
308
00:16:16,735 --> 00:16:19,695
Okay, all right. Fine, that last part
I made up, but the rest of it,
309
00:16:19,820 --> 00:16:22,648
I swear it was true.
Come on, dude, your mom is a cougar.
310
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:25,150
Wait, I thought you said
a cougar can't be over 50.
311
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,250
Okay, she's a Mellencamp.
312
00:16:28,394 --> 00:16:31,907
Guys, I am screwed. I mean, the best
I can do is level this place and
313
00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:34,205
sell the property for a huge loss.
314
00:16:34,330 --> 00:16:35,481
Look, Ted...
315
00:16:36,067 --> 00:16:40,071
Usually in life when you make a stupid
decision you just have to live with it.
316
00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:41,566
But how often
317
00:16:41,691 --> 00:16:44,670
do you get the chance
to pick up a sledgehammer
318
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:47,137
and bash the living hell out of it?
319
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,729
- This is stupid.
- Your mom and I got to second base.
320
00:17:26,911 --> 00:17:29,506
Thanks, Lily.
That felt fantastic.
321
00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:32,208
To Ted Mosby, homeowner,
322
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:36,221
friend, and if he can
rent it out, slumlord.
323
00:17:42,688 --> 00:17:44,521
There's one last thing I gotta do.
324
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:48,097
And my friends didn't see me
for the next 72 hours.
325
00:17:49,424 --> 00:17:50,724
He was our ride.
326
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,205
Ted, what are you doing here?
327
00:18:01,567 --> 00:18:03,499
I never got to give
you guys your toast.
328
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:08,050
I was selfish and I freaked out
and I'm so sorry, so...
329
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:09,463
here it is...
330
00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:14,774
"How bout a hand for the deejay?
Gesture to dee..."
331
00:18:15,490 --> 00:18:16,720
I'll skip down.
332
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,473
"Mom, I love you,
333
00:18:20,125 --> 00:18:23,266
and I've never seen you
as happy as you are with Clint.
334
00:18:23,391 --> 00:18:25,687
And, Clint, welcome to the family...
335
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:29,735
What you two have
is what I one day hope to find.
336
00:18:31,581 --> 00:18:33,831
But until then, cheers to you both.
337
00:18:34,535 --> 00:18:35,781
I love you, guys."
338
00:18:40,477 --> 00:18:41,979
I am so...
339
00:18:43,860 --> 00:18:45,160
baked right now.
340
00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:50,429
I'm only 60% sure you're actually
standing in front of me.
341
00:18:50,554 --> 00:18:51,804
But if you are,
342
00:18:53,036 --> 00:18:54,174
I love you.
343
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,387
And you are the best son
a mother could ever have.
344
00:19:11,714 --> 00:19:15,214
There was no logical reason why my
mother should be with a guy like that.
345
00:19:15,339 --> 00:19:18,397
And yet, as you kids know,
being with your Grandpa Clint
346
00:19:18,522 --> 00:19:21,322
was the best decision
your grandma ever made.
347
00:19:25,244 --> 00:19:28,834
Sometimes our best decisions are the
ones that don't make any sense at all.
348
00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:40,002
- Hey.
- Hey, buddy.
349
00:19:40,127 --> 00:19:42,156
How did you know I was
gonna be up here today?
350
00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:43,481
Robin told me.
351
00:19:45,293 --> 00:19:46,643
Happy housewarming.
352
00:19:47,808 --> 00:19:51,189
But I told you the last time
I saw you I'm selling the place.
353
00:19:51,675 --> 00:19:52,941
I know what you said.
354
00:19:54,299 --> 00:19:56,749
I also know my best
friend, Ted Mosby.
355
00:19:57,563 --> 00:19:58,563
Look...
356
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,942
Of all the times over the years
when I've said to you
357
00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:04,990
"Slow down! Don't rush
into things with this girl.",
358
00:20:05,115 --> 00:20:07,164
you haven't listened to me
a single damn time.
359
00:20:09,744 --> 00:20:12,210
Your heart is both drunk and a kid.
360
00:20:17,613 --> 00:20:21,013
- Thanks for sticking up for me, man.
- That's what I do.
361
00:20:23,963 --> 00:20:26,433
Can I tell you some
of the ideas I have?
362
00:20:28,984 --> 00:20:30,984
And, kids, Marshall was right.
363
00:20:31,244 --> 00:20:33,014
I didn't give up on my dream house
364
00:20:33,139 --> 00:20:35,467
because that's the thing
about stupid decisions,
365
00:20:35,592 --> 00:20:36,942
we all make them.
366
00:20:37,067 --> 00:20:38,467
But time is funny.
367
00:20:41,876 --> 00:20:43,926
And sometimes a little magic...
368
00:20:45,838 --> 00:20:47,938
It can take a stupid decision...
369
00:20:48,941 --> 00:20:51,541
and turn it
into something else entirely.
370
00:20:52,489 --> 00:20:54,627
Because, kids, as you know,
371
00:20:56,143 --> 00:20:57,343
that house....
372
00:20:59,497 --> 00:21:00,697
is this house.