1 00:00:01,814 --> 00:00:03,995 ..learn about relationships is that you're never done 2 00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:05,382 getting to know someone. 3 00:00:05,392 --> 00:00:07,133 Everyone has secrets. 4 00:00:07,143 --> 00:00:08,423 Some are nice. 5 00:00:08,433 --> 00:00:10,581 You know how to make crepes? 6 00:00:11,399 --> 00:00:13,072 That is so cool. 7 00:00:14,813 --> 00:00:16,675 Some aren't as nice. 8 00:00:16,685 --> 00:00:19,060 And then there was Derek, and counting you, 9 00:00:19,070 --> 00:00:21,943 - that puts the total up to-- - Oh, I got your total. 10 00:00:22,407 --> 00:00:23,830 I've been counting along. 11 00:00:25,123 --> 00:00:27,631 And some are just weird. 12 00:00:27,647 --> 00:00:30,133 You're scared of the seven dwarfs? 13 00:00:30,149 --> 00:00:31,782 Just Doc. He's creepy. 14 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,650 I mean the guy went to medical school. 15 00:00:33,666 --> 00:00:36,070 What's he doing living with six coal miners? 16 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,753 Oh, man! I'm so excited. I couldn't sleep last night. 17 00:00:38,766 --> 00:00:40,672 - I bet you guys couldn't either. - Why? 18 00:00:40,688 --> 00:00:42,631 Only the Gala event for the Grand Opening 19 00:00:42,648 --> 00:00:45,493 of Sharper Image's 500th store. Didn't you get my email? 20 00:00:45,508 --> 00:00:48,001 No, I blocked your address after the fourth time 21 00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:51,450 you sent me the video of the monkey sniffing his own butt. 22 00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:53,971 Come on! It's on me. I'm buying three of you foot massagers 23 00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:56,570 and one of you a nose hair trimmer. You know who you are. 24 00:00:56,887 --> 00:00:58,030 Come on, let's go. 25 00:00:58,046 --> 00:00:59,011 Okay, I'm in. 26 00:00:59,027 --> 00:01:01,320 - To the Willowbrook Mall! - To the Willowbrook Mall. 27 00:01:01,335 --> 00:01:04,272 Oh, it's at a mall? I'm not going. 28 00:01:04,288 --> 00:01:05,521 What? Why not? 29 00:01:05,538 --> 00:01:07,633 I just don't feel like going to a mall. 30 00:01:07,645 --> 00:01:09,563 We can split a Cinnabon. 31 00:01:09,578 --> 00:01:11,370 No, I'm really not going to go. 32 00:01:11,388 --> 00:01:14,273 - Come on, it'll be fun. - No, I don't go to malls! 33 00:01:15,816 --> 00:01:18,600 Sorry, I just don't like malls. 34 00:01:18,617 --> 00:01:20,242 Why not? 35 00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:22,672 I'd rather not say. 36 00:01:23,006 --> 00:01:24,821 - Sharper Images. - But that's where clothes live. 37 00:01:24,855 --> 00:01:26,922 Guys, guys, guys, Robin doesn't like malls. 38 00:01:26,936 --> 00:01:29,320 If she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to. 39 00:01:29,337 --> 00:01:31,673 I think we should all just respect her privacy. 40 00:01:31,875 --> 00:01:33,103 Thanks, Ted. 41 00:01:33,115 --> 00:01:35,353 So, what's the deal with you and malls? 42 00:01:35,366 --> 00:01:37,163 I thought you said that, if I didn't want to talk about it, 43 00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,310 I didn't have to. 44 00:01:38,326 --> 00:01:40,050 Yeah, with those people. 45 00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,940 But I'm your boyfriend. Come on. What is it? 46 00:01:41,955 --> 00:01:43,052 Did you get arrested at a mall? 47 00:01:43,087 --> 00:01:43,702 No. 48 00:01:43,717 --> 00:01:45,520 - Dumped at a mall? - Ted. 49 00:01:45,538 --> 00:01:47,632 Found out you were Canadian at a mall? 50 00:01:47,645 --> 00:01:48,613 Let it go. 51 00:01:48,627 --> 00:01:50,321 Trapped under a fake boulder at a mall? 52 00:01:50,335 --> 00:01:52,600 - Let it go. - Mauled at the mall? 53 00:01:52,617 --> 00:01:54,001 Let it go! 54 00:01:54,896 --> 00:01:58,120 And who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall? 55 00:01:59,095 --> 00:02:02,720 Not me in Ohio when I was nine, that's for sure. 56 00:02:17,426 --> 00:02:20,823 I don't get it. Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls? 57 00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:23,133 Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. 58 00:02:23,147 --> 00:02:24,502 The more you learn about a person, 59 00:02:24,517 --> 00:02:27,763 the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Oh" moment. 60 00:02:27,777 --> 00:02:28,890 The "Oh" moment? 61 00:02:28,908 --> 00:02:32,663 Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail about a person 62 00:02:32,678 --> 00:02:34,771 that is going to be a deal breaker. 63 00:02:34,785 --> 00:02:36,422 It's a promise ring. 64 00:02:36,435 --> 00:02:39,951 I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married. 65 00:02:42,308 --> 00:02:44,183 I don't have an eating disorder. 66 00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:48,343 It's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it, and then I spit it out. 67 00:02:50,405 --> 00:02:51,850 I just turned 30. 68 00:02:54,168 --> 00:02:56,741 So trust me, you want to postpone 69 00:02:56,758 --> 00:02:59,622 knowing anything about each other for as long as possible. 70 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:02,630 Mmm. I disagree. If there is some potential "Oh" moment, 71 00:03:02,647 --> 00:03:05,450 I want to know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative? 72 00:03:05,526 --> 00:03:08,943 I now pronounce you, man and wife. 73 00:03:11,295 --> 00:03:12,653 I love you. 74 00:03:12,688 --> 00:03:14,822 I used to be a dude. 75 00:03:16,538 --> 00:03:18,162 Yeah, I agree with Ted. 76 00:03:18,175 --> 00:03:21,121 In a real relationship, you share everything. 77 00:03:21,138 --> 00:03:23,621 That's why Marshall and I don't keep any secrets. 78 00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:26,021 You are such a cutie pie. Here's a quarter. 79 00:03:26,035 --> 00:03:27,900 Go play a song on the jukebox. 80 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:30,182 No, it's true. They tell each other everything. 81 00:03:30,197 --> 00:03:33,120 I can think of tons of things, there's no way Marshall's told you. 82 00:03:33,135 --> 00:03:34,343 Try me. 83 00:03:35,908 --> 00:03:37,671 Do you know about the time Marshall was in Trenton? 84 00:03:37,707 --> 00:03:39,351 Donkey ate his pants. Yup. 85 00:03:39,368 --> 00:03:40,962 Bill's bachelor party in Memphis? 86 00:03:40,976 --> 00:03:43,920 Oh, when they had to pump out all the nickels from his stomach? 87 00:03:43,938 --> 00:03:46,010 Wow. Okay. Seattle. 88 00:03:46,025 --> 00:03:48,853 Trick question. Marshall's never been to the Pacific Northwest 89 00:03:48,866 --> 00:03:50,982 because he's afraid of Sasquatch. 90 00:03:50,996 --> 00:03:52,252 Damn, you're good. 91 00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:55,802 I'm not afraid of Sasquatch, I just think we should all be on alert. 92 00:03:56,517 --> 00:03:59,540 Trust me. Not only do they tell each other everything, 93 00:03:59,556 --> 00:04:01,710 they want to know everything. 94 00:04:01,728 --> 00:04:03,930 So after the shower I was brushing my teeth. And I was like, 95 00:04:03,968 --> 00:04:05,842 "Oh, man! I wanted to have some orange juice. 96 00:04:05,857 --> 00:04:07,180 I should have done that first." 97 00:04:07,195 --> 00:04:08,850 But I already had the toothpaste on the toothbrush. 98 00:04:08,886 --> 00:04:11,361 So I just went ahead and brushed them anyway. 99 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:13,520 What happened next? 100 00:04:15,646 --> 00:04:18,330 Yeah, meanwhile, Robin tells me nothing. 101 00:04:18,375 --> 00:04:21,082 Fine. Do you want to know what Robin's secret is? 102 00:04:21,097 --> 00:04:22,170 You know? 103 00:04:22,188 --> 00:04:23,642 Of course I know. 104 00:04:23,655 --> 00:04:25,571 She couldn't look at us, her face got flushed-- 105 00:04:25,587 --> 00:04:27,223 that's shame, my friend. 106 00:04:27,238 --> 00:04:32,020 Our friend Robin used to do porn, wait for it... 107 00:04:32,127 --> 00:04:34,080 ...ography. 108 00:04:34,178 --> 00:04:36,750 Yeah, we didn't really need to wait for that. 109 00:04:36,768 --> 00:04:38,482 And it's ridiculous. 110 00:04:38,498 --> 00:04:40,002 I don't know. He could be right. 111 00:04:40,018 --> 00:04:42,702 She does have the fake orgasm noises down. 112 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:43,493 Hey! 113 00:04:43,507 --> 00:04:45,102 What? The walls are thin. 114 00:04:45,115 --> 00:04:47,791 That's not what I'm "hey"ing you about. 115 00:04:48,305 --> 00:04:49,802 You know what it might be? 116 00:04:49,815 --> 00:04:53,751 This is going to sound a little crazy but what if Robin is married? 117 00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:56,401 Married? What does that have to do with the mall? 118 00:04:56,418 --> 00:04:59,090 Well, maybe she got married at the mall. 119 00:04:59,105 --> 00:05:00,792 Back home in Minnesota, a ton of people get married 120 00:05:00,826 --> 00:05:02,860 at the Mall of America. It's great. 121 00:05:02,878 --> 00:05:05,581 There's this gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures, 122 00:05:05,596 --> 00:05:08,090 numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable-- 123 00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:11,153 - We are not getting married at the mall! - Well, just meet with the guy. 124 00:05:11,225 --> 00:05:13,820 She's not married. Robin hates marriage. 125 00:05:13,835 --> 00:05:16,252 Because she already got married. 126 00:05:16,266 --> 00:05:17,981 At the mall. 127 00:05:17,995 --> 00:05:21,150 No, because before Robin moved to New York, she... 128 00:05:21,628 --> 00:05:23,120 What was she doing? 129 00:05:23,178 --> 00:05:25,302 Well, I don't know. Whenever I ask her about Canada, 130 00:05:25,315 --> 00:05:27,502 she kind of clams up. 131 00:05:27,516 --> 00:05:29,360 She's a pretty private person. 132 00:05:29,375 --> 00:05:32,243 Except when she's talking about... 133 00:05:32,258 --> 00:05:34,800 Oh, a friend of mine in Canada got married way too young 134 00:05:34,906 --> 00:05:37,332 and it really turned her off to marriage. 135 00:05:37,347 --> 00:05:39,033 What do you think of this wedding cake? 136 00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:40,540 Oh, I like it. 137 00:05:40,555 --> 00:05:42,062 Hey, you remember that friend of mine in Canada 138 00:05:42,096 --> 00:05:43,703 who got married way too young? 139 00:05:43,716 --> 00:05:47,040 Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Fields' giant cookie. 140 00:05:48,318 --> 00:05:49,623 No. 141 00:05:51,846 --> 00:05:54,533 My friend in Canada who got married way too young, 142 00:05:54,546 --> 00:05:56,910 they had to do their vows twice, once in French. 143 00:05:56,928 --> 00:05:58,500 They speak French there, too? 144 00:05:58,513 --> 00:06:00,491 God, that place is a mess. 145 00:06:01,507 --> 00:06:04,493 So you don't think there's any "friend" from Canada? 146 00:06:04,509 --> 00:06:05,802 Oh, I'm sure there is. 147 00:06:05,819 --> 00:06:08,511 Just like I have a "friend" who wet his bed till he was ten. 148 00:06:08,525 --> 00:06:10,223 Use your brain, Ted. 149 00:06:13,046 --> 00:06:15,032 Guys, there's no way Robin is married. 150 00:06:15,045 --> 00:06:16,781 It's ludicrous to even suggest it. 151 00:06:16,797 --> 00:06:19,040 - Thank you, Barney. - 'Cause it's porn. 152 00:06:19,056 --> 00:06:20,711 I need another beer. 153 00:06:21,055 --> 00:06:24,011 Robin was not in porn. I bet you anything that she's married. 154 00:06:24,025 --> 00:06:25,611 $20,000 says it's porn. 155 00:06:25,626 --> 00:06:26,953 I don't have $20,000. 156 00:06:26,967 --> 00:06:28,851 Well, then what do you have? 157 00:06:29,548 --> 00:06:31,420 - Well... - No. 158 00:06:32,175 --> 00:06:34,873 I've got it. The ultimate wager-- 159 00:06:34,886 --> 00:06:36,162 slap bet. 160 00:06:36,176 --> 00:06:38,400 Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid. 161 00:06:38,417 --> 00:06:39,720 What the hell's a slap bet? 162 00:06:39,735 --> 00:06:41,713 Whoever is right gets to slap the other person in the face 163 00:06:41,747 --> 00:06:44,001 as hard as they possibly can-- but no rings. 164 00:06:44,018 --> 00:06:46,691 Are you really going to do that? That's so immature. 165 00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:49,412 - You can be Slap Bet Commissioner. - Ooh, I love it. What are my powers? 166 00:06:49,448 --> 00:06:52,483 Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling, that's your job. 167 00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:54,273 But you have to be unbiased 168 00:06:54,285 --> 00:06:57,532 and put the integrity of slap bet above all else. 169 00:06:57,547 --> 00:07:00,273 This is an honor you will take with you to your grave. 170 00:07:00,285 --> 00:07:02,013 On your tombstone, it will read, 171 00:07:02,026 --> 00:07:05,350 "Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, 172 00:07:05,366 --> 00:07:07,340 Slap Bet Commissioner." 173 00:07:07,916 --> 00:07:12,193 And your tombstone will read "Got slapped by Marshall, so hard he died." 174 00:07:13,696 --> 00:07:17,710 Okay. What if I just ask Robin point blank if she has a husband? 175 00:07:17,725 --> 00:07:19,821 You said you would respect her privacy, 176 00:07:19,838 --> 00:07:22,010 so maybe you should just drop it. 177 00:07:22,196 --> 00:07:23,892 Yeah, you're right. 178 00:07:25,798 --> 00:07:27,230 Husband. 179 00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,771 There's no "P" in husband. 180 00:07:30,786 --> 00:07:33,771 Wow, you seem to know a lot about husbands. 181 00:07:34,225 --> 00:07:36,312 Fine. I'll take it back. 182 00:07:36,597 --> 00:07:39,372 Oh, hey, since you mentioned husbands, this is great, you're going to love this. 183 00:07:39,405 --> 00:07:42,003 Marshall, you know Marshall. He thinks that the reason 184 00:07:42,016 --> 00:07:43,540 you didn't want to go to the mall the other day 185 00:07:43,575 --> 00:07:47,670 is because you got married at a mall and have a husband in Canada. 186 00:07:49,047 --> 00:07:51,440 I told him he's crazy. Because he's crazy, right? 187 00:07:51,456 --> 00:07:53,881 I mean, how crazy is that? 188 00:07:54,208 --> 00:07:56,213 Are you asking me if I'm married? 189 00:07:56,228 --> 00:07:57,492 Well, you can ask me. 190 00:07:57,507 --> 00:07:59,630 Nope, I'm not married. Your turn. 191 00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:01,751 What happened to respecting my privacy? 192 00:08:01,767 --> 00:08:04,422 Look, just say, "No, I'm not married." 193 00:08:04,438 --> 00:08:06,253 Ted, I don't understand why you can't-- 194 00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:08,813 Just say, "No, I'm not married." 195 00:08:08,827 --> 00:08:10,462 I can't. 196 00:08:10,618 --> 00:08:12,482 Marshall's right. 197 00:08:14,576 --> 00:08:17,280 I was young and I got married. 198 00:08:17,296 --> 00:08:19,262 It was a mistake and he moved away, but... 199 00:08:19,276 --> 00:08:22,101 yeah. I'm married. 200 00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:33,052 You have a husband? 201 00:08:33,068 --> 00:08:34,992 I was young and stupid 202 00:08:35,007 --> 00:08:38,270 and we got married at a mall and we broke up at a mall 203 00:08:38,287 --> 00:08:41,030 and I... I haven't been to a mall since. 204 00:08:41,048 --> 00:08:42,401 Why didn't you get divorced? 205 00:08:42,415 --> 00:08:44,873 He moved to Hong Kong for work and I was like... 206 00:08:44,886 --> 00:08:46,291 eh, good enough. 207 00:08:46,305 --> 00:08:48,511 Good enough? That's not good enough. 208 00:08:48,526 --> 00:08:51,621 You order pancakes, you get waffles, that's good enough. 209 00:08:51,637 --> 00:08:54,823 Look, I haven't seen him in years. 210 00:08:54,837 --> 00:08:57,680 It's just a part of my life I want to forget. 211 00:08:58,108 --> 00:09:00,982 Just please don't tell anyone about this. 212 00:09:02,035 --> 00:09:03,692 Okay. 213 00:09:06,808 --> 00:09:09,242 Dude, your hand is monstrous. 214 00:09:09,255 --> 00:09:11,960 Yeah, well, what'd you expect? You've seen my penis. 215 00:09:13,498 --> 00:09:16,233 I can't believe you told us Robin's secret. 216 00:09:16,246 --> 00:09:18,810 What? How could I keep something like that to myself? 217 00:09:18,827 --> 00:09:20,171 And you begged me to tell you. 218 00:09:20,188 --> 00:09:21,630 No, I didn't. 219 00:09:22,078 --> 00:09:24,680 Please tell us. Just tell us. I'm begging you. 220 00:09:24,695 --> 00:09:26,893 Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Please please please-- 221 00:09:26,907 --> 00:09:29,390 Fine. Robin's married. 222 00:09:31,315 --> 00:09:33,481 Yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us. 223 00:09:33,496 --> 00:09:35,402 I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you? 224 00:09:35,417 --> 00:09:37,422 See that's just it, I'm not the boyfriend. 225 00:09:37,436 --> 00:09:38,843 I'm the mistress. 226 00:09:38,855 --> 00:09:40,293 No, not the mistress. 227 00:09:40,306 --> 00:09:41,790 The mastress. 228 00:09:41,806 --> 00:09:43,340 The master. What do you call it? 229 00:09:43,357 --> 00:09:45,450 Uh, pretty sure we're going to call it mistress. 230 00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:49,651 What am I going to do? My girlfriend's married. 231 00:09:49,665 --> 00:09:51,203 Do I ask her to get a divorce? 232 00:09:51,218 --> 00:09:54,381 Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. 233 00:09:54,398 --> 00:09:56,451 It's like their money, or their army. 234 00:09:56,466 --> 00:09:58,510 Nobody takes it seriously. 235 00:09:58,525 --> 00:09:59,711 It's serious to me. 236 00:09:59,726 --> 00:10:01,622 You know what, in some countries, if you been separated 237 00:10:01,657 --> 00:10:04,373 for longer than five years, technically, you're no longer married. 238 00:10:04,385 --> 00:10:06,932 I can check it out at the law library at school. 239 00:10:09,058 --> 00:10:11,860 I can see my hand print on your face. 240 00:10:12,038 --> 00:10:14,591 Don't get too cocky, Slappy. 241 00:10:14,606 --> 00:10:17,663 I just got a shipment of porn from Canada I have to go through. 242 00:10:17,676 --> 00:10:19,672 I won the bet. Why are you still searching? 243 00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:21,481 Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong. 244 00:10:21,515 --> 00:10:24,842 Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch porn. 245 00:10:24,887 --> 00:10:27,091 Canadian porn. 246 00:10:27,108 --> 00:10:29,640 Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system 247 00:10:29,655 --> 00:10:32,092 doesn't cover breast implants. 248 00:10:32,177 --> 00:10:35,093 If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian 249 00:10:35,107 --> 00:10:37,380 riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni 250 00:10:37,396 --> 00:10:39,860 I'll go out of my mind. 251 00:10:42,917 --> 00:10:44,652 - Hey. - Hey. 252 00:10:44,908 --> 00:10:46,851 Listen, dude, I got to talk to you, 253 00:10:46,868 --> 00:10:50,022 but you got to promise me that you won't tell Barney. 254 00:10:50,038 --> 00:10:52,541 Fine, I won't tell Barney. What is it? 255 00:10:53,816 --> 00:10:56,301 - Robin's not married. - What? 256 00:10:56,317 --> 00:10:57,800 Why would she tell me she was? 257 00:10:57,818 --> 00:10:59,960 I don't know, but I cross- checked every record in Canada. 258 00:10:59,996 --> 00:11:01,852 There's no record of her ever being married. 259 00:11:01,867 --> 00:11:02,992 There must be some mistake. 260 00:11:03,005 --> 00:11:04,810 I promise you. She's not married. 261 00:11:04,827 --> 00:11:07,172 She's not great at parking legally either. 262 00:11:07,618 --> 00:11:11,040 So she lied to me? W--What am I going to do? 263 00:11:11,057 --> 00:11:14,080 I-I can't confront her, 'cause then she'll know I told you. 264 00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:16,372 You got to lawyer her. 265 00:11:16,385 --> 00:11:18,931 You got to ask her a bunch of questions, try to trip her up, 266 00:11:18,947 --> 00:11:20,523 maybe make her feel guilty, whatever it takes 267 00:11:20,558 --> 00:11:22,363 to get a confession out of her. 268 00:11:23,527 --> 00:11:25,702 Thanks for telling me your secret. 269 00:11:25,716 --> 00:11:28,171 It means so much to me, that you could be so-- 270 00:11:28,186 --> 00:11:30,023 God, what's the word I'm looking for? 271 00:11:30,108 --> 00:11:31,181 Honest. 272 00:11:31,198 --> 00:11:32,982 Mm, thanks, Ted. 273 00:11:32,997 --> 00:11:35,132 Yeah. You know what's probably the best part about your honesty? 274 00:11:35,165 --> 00:11:37,003 How truthful it is. 275 00:11:37,337 --> 00:11:39,121 I say we just move on. 276 00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:42,273 Well, for me to get total closure on this whole 277 00:11:42,288 --> 00:11:44,492 "my girlfriend has a husband" thing, 278 00:11:44,597 --> 00:11:46,251 I think I might need a little bit more information, 279 00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:48,192 like what month did you get married? 280 00:11:48,205 --> 00:11:50,040 June. We had a June wedding. 281 00:11:50,058 --> 00:11:52,400 Ah, Canada in June. 282 00:11:52,417 --> 00:11:54,231 That's the dream. 283 00:11:55,176 --> 00:11:57,072 Sit-down or buffet? 284 00:11:57,718 --> 00:12:00,851 Well, it's... weird that you don't remember. 285 00:12:00,867 --> 00:12:03,031 No, I just didn't know how to answer 286 00:12:03,046 --> 00:12:05,991 because we did butlered hors d'oeuvres in the atrium, 287 00:12:06,007 --> 00:12:09,033 but the actual dinner was a buffet in the Food Court 288 00:12:09,047 --> 00:12:12,432 featuring a filet mignon or a roasted potato-crusted salmon 289 00:12:12,448 --> 00:12:15,172 with a lobster scallion beurre blanc. 290 00:12:18,497 --> 00:12:19,652 Band or DJ? 291 00:12:19,665 --> 00:12:21,831 A string quartet played at the ceremony, 292 00:12:21,848 --> 00:12:24,842 but for the actual reception, we had a seven-piece band. 293 00:12:24,858 --> 00:12:26,600 We paid extra for the sax 294 00:12:26,615 --> 00:12:30,151 'cause I just love that smooth alto sound. 295 00:12:30,165 --> 00:12:31,840 - How many bridesmaids? - Seven. 296 00:12:31,857 --> 00:12:33,161 - Flowers? - Azaleas. 297 00:12:33,178 --> 00:12:35,460 - Color scheme? - Dusty rose and sienna. 298 00:12:35,475 --> 00:12:37,261 Husband's name. 299 00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:41,503 - You were never married! - Yes, I was. 300 00:12:41,516 --> 00:12:43,442 - No, you weren't. - How do you know? 301 00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:44,843 I looked it up at the library. 302 00:12:44,855 --> 00:12:48,433 - What library? - The one on Fifth. 303 00:12:48,448 --> 00:12:50,351 - When did you go? - Today at lunch, 304 00:12:50,368 --> 00:12:52,400 and I had an apple brie panini with potato salad... 305 00:12:52,416 --> 00:12:54,643 I'm not questioning the lunch part, Ted. 306 00:12:54,657 --> 00:12:56,250 What database did you use? 307 00:12:56,267 --> 00:13:00,990 I used the Canadian Mall Marriage 6000. 308 00:13:01,967 --> 00:13:03,871 Fine, Marshall looked it up at school. 309 00:13:03,885 --> 00:13:06,020 - You told Marshall?! - You lied to me! 310 00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:07,930 See, this is why I don't tell people secrets. 311 00:13:07,945 --> 00:13:10,490 You were supposed to be the one person I trusted the most 312 00:13:10,505 --> 00:13:12,172 and even you couldn't keep a secret. 313 00:13:12,186 --> 00:13:13,500 But it was a fake secret. 314 00:13:13,517 --> 00:13:15,783 Yeah, I was testing you and you failed. 315 00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:18,171 And now you're never gonna know why I don't go to the mall. 316 00:13:18,185 --> 00:13:20,191 And it's good, too. 317 00:13:20,206 --> 00:13:22,092 You were testing me? That's insane. 318 00:13:22,107 --> 00:13:24,871 Oh, yeah? How long did it take for you to tell Marshall 319 00:13:24,886 --> 00:13:27,723 my biggest secret in the world? Five minutes? 320 00:13:27,738 --> 00:13:30,593 - That wasn't a real secret! - Yeah, but it could have been. 321 00:13:30,608 --> 00:13:31,953 You are driving me crazy! 322 00:13:31,965 --> 00:13:33,872 No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong. 323 00:13:33,887 --> 00:13:36,143 He moved there for business. 324 00:13:37,746 --> 00:13:38,882 You. 325 00:13:38,897 --> 00:13:40,633 You got something to say to me? 326 00:13:40,867 --> 00:13:42,453 What are you talking about? 327 00:13:42,468 --> 00:13:45,493 I know Robin was never really married. 328 00:13:45,705 --> 00:13:48,422 How could you possibly know that? 329 00:13:52,197 --> 00:13:55,680 And then I put on my pajamas and got into bed. 330 00:13:55,715 --> 00:13:57,291 How about you? 331 00:13:57,528 --> 00:14:00,643 Oh, let's see, uh, first I took the subway to school. 332 00:14:00,657 --> 00:14:01,942 Then I got a bagel. 333 00:14:01,956 --> 00:14:04,310 Then I went to the library and found out Robin was never married. 334 00:14:04,345 --> 00:14:05,441 Crazy. 335 00:14:05,455 --> 00:14:07,551 Then I was hungry again, so I went down to the vending machine, 336 00:14:07,586 --> 00:14:10,722 but by the time I got down there, I wasn't even hungry anymore. 337 00:14:12,005 --> 00:14:14,102 - You told him? - I had to. 338 00:14:14,117 --> 00:14:16,450 I'm Slap Bet Commissioner. 339 00:14:16,466 --> 00:14:19,561 Believe me, this hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you. 340 00:14:19,575 --> 00:14:22,491 Don't count on it. I've been practicing on a tree trunk. 341 00:14:23,188 --> 00:14:26,013 - Barney gets three slaps. - Three? 342 00:14:26,025 --> 00:14:30,073 One because you lied and two for being prematurely slapped. 343 00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:31,211 Three slaps. 344 00:14:31,226 --> 00:14:32,312 But-- 345 00:14:36,356 --> 00:14:38,222 Oh, my God. 346 00:14:38,238 --> 00:14:40,763 - Are you gonna cry? - No. 347 00:14:40,858 --> 00:14:42,771 You're gonna cry. 348 00:14:44,816 --> 00:14:48,131 I just don't think it's healthy to keep big secrets in a relationship. 349 00:14:48,147 --> 00:14:50,051 My parents didn't really talk to each other for 30 years 350 00:14:50,088 --> 00:14:51,161 and now they're divorced. 351 00:14:51,177 --> 00:14:52,971 I have shared more of myself with you 352 00:14:52,988 --> 00:14:55,080 than I've ever shared with anyone. 353 00:14:55,097 --> 00:14:57,233 I'm asking for this one secret, 354 00:14:57,246 --> 00:15:01,010 which has nothing to do with us, to just be mine. 355 00:15:03,108 --> 00:15:05,682 So I just got a very interesting phone call. 356 00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:07,110 What are you talking about? 357 00:15:07,125 --> 00:15:08,900 I know Robin's secret. 358 00:15:08,916 --> 00:15:10,532 - What? - That's right. 359 00:15:10,546 --> 00:15:12,302 I know your secret, Robin. 360 00:15:12,315 --> 00:15:16,111 Or should I say Robin Sparkles? 361 00:15:16,466 --> 00:15:18,032 How do you know that name? 362 00:15:18,045 --> 00:15:19,923 Because I know the truth, 363 00:15:19,935 --> 00:15:22,510 and I am about to show it to you right now. 364 00:15:22,528 --> 00:15:24,221 Gather 'round, Ted, you're gonna want to see this. 365 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,683 Yeah, no, I don't. 366 00:15:25,695 --> 00:15:26,611 What? 367 00:15:26,625 --> 00:15:29,140 Robin wants to keep this a secret, so... 368 00:15:29,155 --> 00:15:30,921 it's gonna stay a secret. 369 00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:33,701 Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret. 370 00:15:33,717 --> 00:15:35,080 You see, in my research, 371 00:15:35,098 --> 00:15:37,471 I came upon a certain gentleman in Malaysia 372 00:15:37,488 --> 00:15:40,250 who is in possession of a certain videotape. 373 00:15:40,266 --> 00:15:42,540 He just emailed me that it will be up and running 374 00:15:42,558 --> 00:15:46,060 on My Space in about... right now. 375 00:15:47,057 --> 00:15:50,740 Robin's world is about to be turned upside-down. 376 00:15:50,755 --> 00:15:52,260 I mean, I'm guessing. 377 00:15:52,276 --> 00:15:53,412 Barney, don't, okay? 378 00:15:53,428 --> 00:15:55,511 Robin, please don't panic. 379 00:15:55,526 --> 00:15:57,540 I'm only gonna show enough to prove to Marshall I was right. 380 00:15:57,577 --> 00:15:59,802 No, Barney, I said we're not watching this. 381 00:15:59,816 --> 00:16:01,600 No, it's time. 382 00:16:01,705 --> 00:16:03,463 Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, 383 00:16:03,477 --> 00:16:06,881 but if it's out there, there's no point in trying to hide it anymore. 384 00:16:07,356 --> 00:16:09,671 Let's just watch it and be done with it. 385 00:16:09,807 --> 00:16:12,002 Are you as terrified as I am? 386 00:16:12,368 --> 00:16:14,912 I don't want to get slapped again. 387 00:16:17,115 --> 00:16:19,840 I want to stress that I was young. 388 00:16:19,858 --> 00:16:21,050 Yeah, you were. 389 00:16:21,068 --> 00:16:22,421 And I didn't know any better. 390 00:16:22,435 --> 00:16:23,981 They never do. 391 00:16:23,996 --> 00:16:26,643 And it started out as an innocent modeling job. 392 00:16:26,658 --> 00:16:28,673 It always does. 393 00:16:29,498 --> 00:16:31,443 Please, Mr. Johnson. 394 00:16:31,457 --> 00:16:33,823 I'm sorry I was a bad girl. 395 00:16:33,837 --> 00:16:36,491 Please don't give me detention. 396 00:16:36,838 --> 00:16:41,431 Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you? 397 00:16:44,907 --> 00:16:46,920 Oh, my God. 398 00:16:46,938 --> 00:16:48,933 Well, obviously, I've been proven right, 399 00:16:48,947 --> 00:16:50,993 so in the interest of Robin's dignity, 400 00:16:51,006 --> 00:16:52,263 I won't show anymore. 401 00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:55,071 Plus, it's getting late. It's already slap o'clock. 402 00:16:56,505 --> 00:16:58,073 What the hell was that? 403 00:16:58,088 --> 00:17:00,810 Uh, I slap bet Marshall that you did porn, so I win. 404 00:17:00,825 --> 00:17:04,770 Porn? I wish it was porn. It would be less embarrassing. 405 00:17:05,888 --> 00:17:07,341 I know. 406 00:17:07,358 --> 00:17:10,992 How about I sing you a song? 407 00:17:17,197 --> 00:17:20,171 Let's go to the mall, everybody! 408 00:17:26,055 --> 00:17:29,443 I was a teenage pop star in Canada. 409 00:17:30,046 --> 00:17:32,050 # Put on your jelly bracelets # 410 00:17:32,065 --> 00:17:34,103 # And your cool graffiti coat # 411 00:17:34,116 --> 00:17:35,742 # At the mall, having fun # 412 00:17:35,758 --> 00:17:38,803 # Is what it's all about # 413 00:17:38,818 --> 00:17:42,140 This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. 414 00:17:42,156 --> 00:17:44,050 - That's you? - Yes. 415 00:17:44,065 --> 00:17:45,902 I had one minor hit. 416 00:17:45,918 --> 00:17:49,923 I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. 417 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:54,093 For a whole year, I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels. 418 00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:57,742 # Everybody come and play # 419 00:17:57,757 --> 00:18:01,940 # Throw every last care away # 420 00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:05,223 # Let's go to the mall # 421 00:18:05,238 --> 00:18:07,221 # Today # 422 00:18:07,898 --> 00:18:11,331 If this is the '90s, why does it look like 1986? 423 00:18:11,345 --> 00:18:15,080 The '80s didn't come to Canada till, like, '93. 424 00:18:15,806 --> 00:18:19,932 Taking a break from the first of many, many viewings, 425 00:18:19,945 --> 00:18:22,502 I can't help but notice that this isn't porn. 426 00:18:22,517 --> 00:18:25,312 And yet, a slap occurred without the permission 427 00:18:25,325 --> 00:18:27,353 of the Slap Bet Commissioner. 428 00:18:27,368 --> 00:18:31,042 Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation. 429 00:18:31,075 --> 00:18:32,563 Oh, my God, Robin's rapping. 430 00:18:32,577 --> 00:18:33,880 Guys, Robin's rapping. 431 00:18:33,898 --> 00:18:35,742 # Went to the mall with # # a couple of friends # 432 00:18:35,756 --> 00:18:38,083 # I had a whole week's # # allowance to spend # 433 00:18:38,297 --> 00:18:40,361 Okay, I'm going to give you a choice. 434 00:18:40,376 --> 00:18:43,000 Either ten slaps right now in a row, 435 00:18:43,017 --> 00:18:45,540 or five slaps that can be doled out 436 00:18:45,557 --> 00:18:49,103 at any point from here to eternity. 437 00:18:49,177 --> 00:18:50,530 You go with the ten now. 438 00:18:50,548 --> 00:18:52,510 No way, why get ten when you can get five? 439 00:18:52,527 --> 00:18:54,542 Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment, 440 00:18:54,576 --> 00:18:56,302 you could get slapped in the face, would drive you crazy. 441 00:18:56,338 --> 00:18:57,951 I'm going to go with the five for eternity. 442 00:18:57,987 --> 00:19:00,571 - Good call. - Horrible call. 443 00:19:02,165 --> 00:19:04,502 Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man. 444 00:19:04,515 --> 00:19:05,392 Take it easy. 445 00:19:05,408 --> 00:19:07,330 This is going to be fun. 446 00:19:09,006 --> 00:19:10,383 # Let's go to the mall # 447 00:19:10,488 --> 00:19:13,083 # Let's go to the mall # 448 00:19:13,096 --> 00:19:14,782 # Today # 449 00:19:14,936 --> 00:19:16,971 So just to be clear, 450 00:19:16,985 --> 00:19:21,070 you wanted everybody to go to the mall today? 451 00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:25,063 Wow, we're going to watch this a lot. 452 00:19:25,086 --> 00:19:28,390 I can't believe I ever wore a Bedazzled jean jacket. 453 00:19:28,516 --> 00:19:30,012 Hey, just so you know, 454 00:19:30,028 --> 00:19:32,713 16-year-old me would have been all over you. 455 00:19:32,728 --> 00:19:35,883 You could have been the girlfriend in Canada I told everyone I had. 456 00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:38,710 Hey, uh, I'm really sorry I pried this out of you. 457 00:19:38,727 --> 00:19:40,630 I probably should have left it alone. 458 00:19:41,015 --> 00:19:42,593 You know what? 459 00:19:42,605 --> 00:19:44,413 You know me better now. 460 00:19:45,176 --> 00:19:47,071 That feels kind of nice. 461 00:19:53,496 --> 00:19:55,213 That's one. 462 00:19:59,408 --> 00:20:03,321 # Everybody come and play # 463 00:20:03,337 --> 00:20:06,891 # Throw every last care away # 464 00:20:06,905 --> 00:20:07,773 Wow. 465 00:20:07,787 --> 00:20:10,712 # Let's go to the mall # 466 00:20:10,727 --> 00:20:12,482 # Today # 467 00:20:12,495 --> 00:20:14,121 Did you have to laugh like that every time? 468 00:20:14,155 --> 00:20:15,512 Yes. 469 00:20:15,876 --> 00:20:17,820 # This boy I like # 470 00:20:17,835 --> 00:20:19,652 # Met him at the food court # 471 00:20:19,668 --> 00:20:21,153 # He's got hair like Gretzky # 472 00:20:21,168 --> 00:20:23,703 # And he does jumps # # on his skateboard # 473 00:20:23,717 --> 00:20:25,812 # I hope he asks me out # 474 00:20:25,827 --> 00:20:27,692 # Take me to my favorite spot # 475 00:20:27,708 --> 00:20:29,333 # It'll be just him and me # 476 00:20:29,345 --> 00:20:32,451 # But don't forget the robot # 477 00:20:32,547 --> 00:20:34,863 The robot. Hey! 478 00:20:36,198 --> 00:20:38,910 # But, baby # # I don't want to wait # 479 00:20:38,926 --> 00:20:39,650 # Let's do it # 480 00:20:39,666 --> 00:20:41,242 No, she doesn't want to wait. 481 00:20:41,257 --> 00:20:43,191 # I'm gonna rock # # your body anyway # 482 00:20:43,207 --> 00:20:45,842 # I'm gonna rock your # # body till Canada Day # 483 00:20:47,338 --> 00:20:51,313 # Everybody come and play # 484 00:20:51,325 --> 00:20:55,150 # Throw every last care away # 485 00:20:55,168 --> 00:20:58,731 # Let's go to the mall # 486 00:20:58,747 --> 00:21:03,493 # Today, today, today, today # 487 00:21:03,817 --> 00:21:05,730 # Let's go to the mall # 488 00:21:05,746 --> 00:21:07,692 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 489 00:21:07,705 --> 00:21:09,571 # Let's go to the mall # 490 00:21:09,587 --> 00:21:11,613 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 491 00:21:11,625 --> 00:21:13,473 # Let's go to the mall # 492 00:21:13,485 --> 00:21:15,560 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 493 00:21:15,577 --> 00:21:17,501 # Let's go to the mall # 494 00:21:17,515 --> 00:21:19,631 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 495 00:21:19,645 --> 00:21:21,601 # Let's go to the mall # 496 00:21:21,615 --> 00:21:23,653 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 497 00:21:23,668 --> 00:21:25,522 # Let's go to the mall # 498 00:21:25,536 --> 00:21:27,923 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 499 00:21:27,936 --> 00:21:31,671 # Today #