1
00:00:02,046 --> 00:00:03,738
In the spring of 2013,
2
00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:05,304
Barney and Robin were
just weeks away
3
00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:06,522
from tying the knot.
4
00:00:06,524 --> 00:00:08,024
But there were still some
pretty big issues
5
00:00:08,026 --> 00:00:09,041
they hadn't agreed on.
6
00:00:09,043 --> 00:00:11,043
Adoption.
7
00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:12,195
I don't know.
8
00:00:12,197 --> 00:00:14,197
It's the only thing
that makes sense.
9
00:00:14,199 --> 00:00:15,198
I can't... I can't believe
10
00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:16,732
you're not open to it.
11
00:00:16,734 --> 00:00:18,985
Okay. Let's try it.
12
00:00:20,037 --> 00:00:22,705
Nope, it doesn't
work with 27 down.
13
00:00:24,074 --> 00:00:26,358
Hey, with the wedding so close,
14
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,077
maybe we should talk about
15
00:00:28,079 --> 00:00:29,495
where we're going to live.
16
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:30,830
Fine, enough.
17
00:00:30,832 --> 00:00:31,864
Stop begging.
18
00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:32,865
We'll live here.
19
00:00:32,867 --> 00:00:33,883
But you owe me.
20
00:00:33,885 --> 00:00:35,251
Yeah, I don't know...
21
00:00:35,253 --> 00:00:36,419
there's just a lot of things
22
00:00:36,421 --> 00:00:38,704
I don't totally love
about your apartment.
23
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,056
Like what?
24
00:00:40,058 --> 00:00:42,041
Well, for example, why is
25
00:00:42,043 --> 00:00:44,844
your bed on what
look like train tracks?
26
00:00:45,847 --> 00:00:49,098
You were wonderful.
27
00:00:49,100 --> 00:00:52,718
Well, you don't get to be a
state-certified orgasmologist
28
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,386
without learning
how to please a woman.
29
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:56,689
You don't mind if I
spend the night, do you?
30
00:00:56,691 --> 00:00:58,658
Um, how else are we gonna
31
00:00:58,660 --> 00:01:00,693
get to know each other
on a deeper level?
32
00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:02,695
Excuse me, I just have
33
00:01:02,697 --> 00:01:05,248
to log tonight's orgasms
with the licensing board.
34
00:01:19,763 --> 00:01:22,131
The Ho-be-gone Sleep System
35
00:01:22,133 --> 00:01:24,267
by Stinson,
patent pending.
36
00:01:24,269 --> 00:01:26,886
What-what is on the
other side of the wall?
37
00:01:26,888 --> 00:01:28,087
Where do
the hos go?
38
00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:30,556
What am I, a contractor?
39
00:01:30,558 --> 00:01:33,476
We-we need to go
into this marriage
40
00:01:33,478 --> 00:01:35,478
with a fresh start.
41
00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,898
What do you say we
find a new place together?
42
00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:40,616
I love you.
43
00:01:40,618 --> 00:01:42,151
And if that will
make you happy,
44
00:01:42,153 --> 00:01:44,070
then let's do it.
45
00:01:47,157 --> 00:01:49,075
Wow, so we need to
find an apartment
46
00:01:49,077 --> 00:01:51,277
where I haven't
banged someone?
47
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:52,851
How do you feel about
Cleveland?
48
00:01:52,876 --> 00:01:53,696
Ha, ha.
49
00:01:53,796 --> 00:01:55,282
Nope. Ted's mom.
50
00:01:55,761 --> 00:01:59,761
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x19 ♪
The Fortress
Original Air Date on March 18, 2013
51
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:04,786
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
52
00:02:08,845 --> 00:02:11,597
Shh...
53
00:02:14,150 --> 00:02:16,685
Nice job filling in for
Lily on Marvin's lullaby.
54
00:02:16,687 --> 00:02:19,471
Thanks, but I came in
early on the horsie.
55
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,739
Stupid!
56
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:24,727
No, you really nailed
all of Lily's parts.
57
00:02:24,729 --> 00:02:27,246
It's been three
weeks since I have.
58
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:30,332
I barely see her anymore
'cause of this new job.
59
00:02:31,534 --> 00:02:32,736
Well, you know what
might cheer you up?
60
00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:33,586
Hmm?
61
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:36,839
There's a new Woodworthy
Manor on tonight.
62
00:02:36,841 --> 00:02:38,223
Woodworthy Manor
63
00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:39,725
was a show about an upper class
English estate
64
00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:42,394
at the beginning
of the 20th century.
65
00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,630
My word!
You can't possibly mean...
66
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:45,831
But I do!
67
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,216
With the succession
of Lady Eastbrooke
68
00:02:47,218 --> 00:02:48,934
to Viscountess of Marlyemead,
69
00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:50,669
our cousin Baldrick becomes...
70
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,738
the Earl of Witherstead.
The Earl of Witherstead!
71
00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:56,174
I only posted that prediction
15 times on the forums!
72
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,443
No, I can't.
73
00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:59,695
I promised Lily that I would
wait and watch it with her.
74
00:02:59,697 --> 00:03:01,697
Problem is,
the Captain.
75
00:03:01,699 --> 00:03:04,450
Lily had just started
a job as the art consultant
76
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:06,685
for an eccentric billionaire,
the Captain.
77
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,188
Oh.
78
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,323
Ahoy.
79
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,908
There's a hot new artist
in Red Hook.
80
00:03:12,910 --> 00:03:13,959
He's molded
81
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:15,794
world currency into a sculpture
82
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,579
of a soulless plutocrat
83
00:03:17,581 --> 00:03:18,914
defecating on the poor.
84
00:03:18,916 --> 00:03:20,883
A scathing indictment
of capitalism.
85
00:03:20,885 --> 00:03:22,334
I'll go as high as $200K
86
00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:24,553
as long as you think I can flip
it for double in six months.
87
00:03:24,555 --> 00:03:25,671
Aye, aye, Cap'n.
88
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,005
Sorry.
89
00:03:33,730 --> 00:03:34,930
Ahoy.
90
00:03:34,932 --> 00:03:36,882
here's this
gorgeously delicate
91
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:38,150
impressionist still life,
92
00:03:38,152 --> 00:03:39,985
reminiscent of
Monet's water lilies.
93
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:40,769
Where is it?
94
00:03:40,771 --> 00:03:42,104
Rikers Island.
95
00:03:42,106 --> 00:03:44,556
The artist is serving
two consecutive life sentences
96
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:45,858
for aggravated homicide.
97
00:03:45,860 --> 00:03:47,493
I'm willing to go as high as
98
00:03:47,495 --> 00:03:48,827
six cartons of cigarettes
99
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,913
and a jug of toilet wine.
100
00:03:50,915 --> 00:03:52,080
Is it a strain,
101
00:03:52,082 --> 00:03:53,565
feeling like a
single dad at times?
102
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:54,783
Sure, but
Lily's been
103
00:03:54,785 --> 00:03:56,335
busting her butt
at this new job.
104
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:58,236
It's not like she's been
out there partying.
105
00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,671
Man, I'm 'faced.
106
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:02,240
I ate a ton
of caviar,
107
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,842
but it soaked up none
of the champagne.
108
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,594
- Mondays, right?
- Yeah.
109
00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:08,180
When did you
get glasses?
110
00:04:08,182 --> 00:04:09,464
Oh...
111
00:04:09,466 --> 00:04:11,934
you mean my
glare reduction lunettes.
112
00:04:11,936 --> 00:04:13,936
Yeah.
They help me discern genius
113
00:04:13,938 --> 00:04:15,420
from pretentious crap.
114
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:16,638
Too bad you weren't
wearing those glasses
115
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,106
when you bought
those glasses.
116
00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:20,726
Well, listen,
baby, I-I'm just
117
00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:21,877
happy to see you.
118
00:04:21,879 --> 00:04:23,094
And if you're not too tired,
119
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,948
maybe we could watch
Woodworthy Manor tonight.
120
00:04:25,950 --> 00:04:26,815
I'd love to.
121
00:04:26,817 --> 00:04:28,033
Great! Because I've come up
122
00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:29,651
with a fun little game.
123
00:04:29,653 --> 00:04:30,786
I made figgy pudding
124
00:04:30,788 --> 00:04:32,421
and I put it in shot glasses.
125
00:04:32,423 --> 00:04:33,939
And every time they say,
126
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:36,074
"The dowager will be
less than pleased,"
127
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,159
you have to...
128
00:04:37,161 --> 00:04:38,911
Oh.
129
00:04:38,913 --> 00:04:39,912
Ugh...
130
00:04:39,914 --> 00:04:41,213
Ahoy.
131
00:04:41,215 --> 00:04:43,248
A seven-foot-tall
cross-dressing Cambodian
132
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:44,800
is throwing glitter
and fish guts
133
00:04:44,802 --> 00:04:46,168
at a billboard on the B.Q.E.
134
00:04:46,170 --> 00:04:48,670
So he's some sort of
conceptual painter?
135
00:04:48,672 --> 00:04:50,556
No, no, just a crazy person
on the local news.
136
00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:51,807
I thought you might
have a laugh.
137
00:04:51,809 --> 00:04:53,592
You're off the clock, relax.
138
00:04:55,061 --> 00:04:56,979
I must own it.
139
00:04:56,981 --> 00:04:59,431
Aye, aye, Cap'n.
140
00:05:00,984 --> 00:05:03,652
Hey, did you find a Realtor
to sell this place yet?
141
00:05:03,654 --> 00:05:06,154
Robin, a Realtor's
just gonna
142
00:05:06,156 --> 00:05:07,806
give it to the highest bidder.
143
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:10,075
I need this place to go
to someone worthy.
144
00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:12,477
And I've made some inquiries.
145
00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:17,332
Barney?
146
00:05:17,334 --> 00:05:19,818
My son.
147
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,537
Barney, enough
with the floating Jor-El head
148
00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:25,040
from the Fortress of Solitude in
Superman, okay?
149
00:05:25,042 --> 00:05:26,174
It's getting old.
150
00:05:26,176 --> 00:05:30,012
I only use it to say
really important stuff.
151
00:05:30,014 --> 00:05:31,630
Last time you used it to tell me
152
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:34,600
Wendy's had introduced a spicy
version of "The Baconator."
153
00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:37,019
Exactly.
154
00:05:38,187 --> 00:05:40,171
And now, my son...
155
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:43,308
it is time for me
to bestow on you...
156
00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:45,694
Can we just talk face-to-face
like normal people?
157
00:05:45,696 --> 00:05:47,696
Ted, just...
158
00:05:47,698 --> 00:05:49,014
just...
159
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,366
okay?
160
00:05:51,368 --> 00:05:53,068
My son,
161
00:05:53,070 --> 00:05:56,354
it is time for me
to bestow on you...
162
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:00,659
Close the door.
163
00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:01,627
No. This is...
164
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,194
Oh, my God,
can you just be cool?
165
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,863
Once? Please?
166
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,381
Just once?
167
00:06:06,383 --> 00:06:08,550
Can you just once be cool?
168
00:06:08,552 --> 00:06:09,835
Once?
169
00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:11,536
Please?
170
00:06:17,026 --> 00:06:18,593
My son...
171
00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:19,978
for many years
172
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:24,599
this apartment has been
my Fortress of Barnitude.
173
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:26,735
But now the time has come
174
00:06:26,737 --> 00:06:28,353
for me to pass it on.
175
00:06:29,072 --> 00:06:32,057
Soon, this place will become
176
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:35,393
your "Fortress of Soli-Ted."
177
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,728
Barney,
I wouldn't
178
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,197
live here even if you scrubbed
every inch of this place
179
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:41,483
with Purell, amoxicillin
and holy water.
180
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,536
Fine.
181
00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:46,404
But I think we can both agree,
182
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:49,007
it would be totally awesome
to see my deal
183
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:51,960
floating around all huge-like
on the big Jor-El cam.
184
00:06:51,962 --> 00:06:53,762
Hold on.
185
00:06:53,764 --> 00:06:56,631
Now, it's a little cold
here in the Fortress,
186
00:06:56,633 --> 00:06:57,632
so don't judge...
187
00:06:57,634 --> 00:06:58,750
Ted, wait.
188
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,385
What did you...
189
00:07:00,387 --> 00:07:02,771
That's... okay,
that's not funny.
190
00:07:02,773 --> 00:07:03,772
Ted, open the...
191
00:07:03,774 --> 00:07:06,024
Uh... walls closing in.
192
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,693
I can't... can't breathe.
193
00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:10,261
Must...
194
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,364
show deal...
195
00:07:12,366 --> 00:07:14,316
on Jor-El cam...
196
00:07:14,318 --> 00:07:15,600
I...
197
00:07:17,054 --> 00:07:18,904
Oh, well, guess I'm keeping this
place forever, good night.
198
00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:20,605
Wait a... wait a
minute, that's it?
199
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,491
Ted wasn't interested
in buying your apartment,
200
00:07:22,493 --> 00:07:24,159
so you just gave up?
201
00:07:24,161 --> 00:07:26,444
Barney, I
gave up my
202
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,829
beautiful two-bedroom apartment
203
00:07:27,831 --> 00:07:29,715
on the Upper West Side
that was rent-free
204
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:32,617
and the landlord hand-washed
all my delicates.
205
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,920
Which is probably why
it was rent-free.
206
00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:36,505
The point is,
207
00:07:36,507 --> 00:07:37,956
I need to buy all new underwear,
208
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,892
and you agreed that we would
find a new place together.
209
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:42,127
Oh, God, Barney,
210
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:45,130
relationships are about
trust and compromise.
211
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,314
You can't just...
212
00:07:46,316 --> 00:07:47,599
Oh, you are so dead.
213
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,151
If I ever figure
a way out of here,
214
00:07:49,153 --> 00:07:50,769
I will make your
life a living...
215
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:53,972
Lily and I really
need this night out.
216
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,991
A big fancy dinner
and the ballet.
217
00:07:55,993 --> 00:07:57,826
Thank you so much
for babysitting.
218
00:07:57,828 --> 00:07:59,995
Hey, three bucks an hour,
thank you.
219
00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:05,483
Oh, hey, baby.
220
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,818
Yeah, I'm just on my way out.
221
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,703
If you get there before...
222
00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:10,172
Come on, really?
223
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:13,592
I'll see you later.
224
00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:15,444
Captain?
225
00:08:15,446 --> 00:08:16,795
I'm sorry, dude.
But, hey,
226
00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:18,013
look at it
this way:
227
00:08:18,015 --> 00:08:19,965
now you don't have
to go to the ballet.
228
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:21,266
Get your head out
of your ass, Ted.
229
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:22,768
There was
no ballet.
230
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:24,690
We were gonna sneak into
your apartment and bang.
231
00:08:25,671 --> 00:08:27,272
Well, you know
what might
232
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,307
take both our
minds off that?
233
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,359
A little, uh...
234
00:08:31,361 --> 00:08:33,178
Woodworthy Manor.
235
00:08:35,031 --> 00:08:36,314
No, I-I-I can't.
236
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:37,449
I-I promised Lily
237
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:38,784
that I would wait
and watch it with her.
238
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:40,318
And I feel like I'd
be cheating on her.
239
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,454
Sure, sure, sure,
sure, I get all that.
240
00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:44,456
It's just, um...
241
00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:47,242
You know, tonight they're
gonna finally reveal
242
00:08:47,244 --> 00:08:49,377
who framed the
chimney sweep
243
00:08:49,379 --> 00:08:52,798
for stealing
Lord Stoutshire's gooseberries.
244
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:55,333
And reveal
the winner of
245
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:57,586
the local gardening
competition.
246
00:08:57,588 --> 00:08:58,887
I don't know how
they're going to pack
247
00:08:58,889 --> 00:09:00,755
all that action
into one episode.
248
00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:08,980
Oops.
249
00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:11,883
No, Ted,
you know
250
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,319
I promised Lily, I...
Shh, shh, shh.
251
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,321
Just let
it happen.
252
00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:18,740
Later that week,
Barney came home to discover
253
00:09:18,742 --> 00:09:21,576
that Robin had a little
surprise waiting for him.
254
00:09:23,562 --> 00:09:25,664
Wha...?
255
00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,667
Mimosas?
Mm-hmm.
256
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:31,703
Freshly-baked cookie smell?
257
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:34,239
A middle-aged woman
in a red blazer?
258
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:36,574
I see what this is.
259
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:39,044
You finally green-lit
my orgy idea!
260
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,245
Okay.
261
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,047
It's an open
house, Barney.
262
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:44,549
Say good-bye to
your fortress.
263
00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:46,768
If we weren't about
to have an orgy,
264
00:09:46,770 --> 00:09:48,586
I'd be so mad at you right now.
265
00:09:53,142 --> 00:09:54,582
If you'll follow me
into the bedroom,
266
00:09:54,643 --> 00:09:56,592
I'll show you some
beautiful woodwork.
267
00:09:56,594 --> 00:09:59,269
I am way too upset right now
to point out how many women
268
00:09:59,321 --> 00:10:00,770
have seen some beautiful
woodwork in there.
269
00:10:00,772 --> 00:10:02,288
Angry self five!
270
00:10:02,290 --> 00:10:03,289
Rah!
271
00:10:03,291 --> 00:10:04,491
Robin,
272
00:10:04,493 --> 00:10:05,892
I did not agree to this.
273
00:10:05,894 --> 00:10:06,993
Yes, you did.
274
00:10:06,995 --> 00:10:08,995
That is why I gave up
my apartment.
275
00:10:08,997 --> 00:10:11,781
Not so I could live in
a disease-riddled bang pad
276
00:10:11,783 --> 00:10:13,833
haunted by the ghosts
of your ex-skanks.
277
00:10:15,336 --> 00:10:17,937
The bathrooms are
Italian marble.
278
00:10:19,140 --> 00:10:20,773
Hello, old bean.
279
00:10:20,775 --> 00:10:22,208
Jolly good
evening, isn't it?
280
00:10:22,210 --> 00:10:23,276
What are you
doing here?
281
00:10:23,278 --> 00:10:25,795
And why do you
sound like Madonna?
282
00:10:25,797 --> 00:10:27,296
Uh, Robin asked us all
to come here and pretend
283
00:10:27,298 --> 00:10:28,631
that we are
prospective buyers
284
00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:29,599
who love this
apartment.
285
00:10:29,601 --> 00:10:31,351
And inspired
by a character
286
00:10:31,353 --> 00:10:33,636
on Woodworthy Manor,
I've decided to play
287
00:10:33,638 --> 00:10:35,355
Emsbry Postlethwaite,
288
00:10:35,357 --> 00:10:36,439
a handsome
cricket player
289
00:10:36,441 --> 00:10:39,275
who secretly
hates his life.
290
00:10:39,277 --> 00:10:40,944
You don't have to
be a cricket player.
291
00:10:40,946 --> 00:10:42,529
Tell that to
Emsbry's father.
292
00:10:42,531 --> 00:10:43,863
Sorry!
293
00:10:43,865 --> 00:10:45,415
Oh...
294
00:10:45,417 --> 00:10:48,201
I was checking out some
mole people's graffiti art
295
00:10:48,203 --> 00:10:50,170
and my cape got caught
on the F train.
296
00:10:50,172 --> 00:10:51,171
Oh.
297
00:10:51,173 --> 00:10:52,422
Bisou bisou.
298
00:10:53,290 --> 00:10:55,658
Oh, what a
cute baby.
299
00:10:55,660 --> 00:10:56,709
What's his name?
300
00:10:56,711 --> 00:10:57,827
Marvin.
301
00:10:57,829 --> 00:10:58,778
For my father.
302
00:10:58,780 --> 00:11:00,496
Oh, that's
so sweet.
303
00:11:00,498 --> 00:11:02,215
Have you two been looking
at a lot of places
304
00:11:02,217 --> 00:11:03,216
in this neighborhood?
305
00:11:03,218 --> 00:11:04,517
Oh, actually
they're not...
306
00:11:04,519 --> 00:11:06,886
Yes, we have.
307
00:11:06,888 --> 00:11:08,337
What?
308
00:11:08,339 --> 00:11:12,225
My husband Emsbry
and I just love this area.
309
00:11:12,227 --> 00:11:14,844
I'm a cricket player who
secretly hates his life.
310
00:11:15,730 --> 00:11:17,647
What are you doing?
311
00:11:17,649 --> 00:11:19,816
Well, you were
late yet again,
312
00:11:19,818 --> 00:11:21,701
and so I'm gonna do this
little scene study with Ted.
313
00:11:21,703 --> 00:11:24,120
Why? Because he's
there for me.
314
00:11:25,873 --> 00:11:27,657
Pretending you're married?
315
00:11:27,659 --> 00:11:30,493
That's going a little far
to prove your point, isn't it?
316
00:11:30,495 --> 00:11:32,962
Excuse me, but I think
it's offensive to suggest
317
00:11:32,964 --> 00:11:35,915
the only reason gay people get
married is to prove a point.
318
00:11:35,917 --> 00:11:38,200
No, no, no, no, no.
319
00:11:38,202 --> 00:11:39,752
I didn't...
that's not what I...
320
00:11:39,754 --> 00:11:41,170
Thank you, sister--
somebody needs
321
00:11:41,172 --> 00:11:44,007
to get this lady's mind
a rearview mirror
322
00:11:44,009 --> 00:11:46,876
because she is thinking in reverse.
Mm-hmm.
323
00:11:49,897 --> 00:11:51,564
Hate is a four-letter word.
324
00:11:51,566 --> 00:11:53,549
I didn't... I voted for...
325
00:11:57,071 --> 00:11:58,738
Oh, is this part
of a security system?
326
00:11:58,740 --> 00:11:59,939
Sort of.
327
00:11:59,941 --> 00:12:02,224
It's connected
to the welcome mat. You see...
328
00:12:02,226 --> 00:12:04,110
Let's say the young lady
you're bringing home
329
00:12:04,112 --> 00:12:05,411
is dressed for winter.
330
00:12:05,413 --> 00:12:06,663
Under those layers,
331
00:12:06,665 --> 00:12:08,064
an unwelcome surprise
could await you.
332
00:12:08,066 --> 00:12:10,250
The scale
with body fat calculator
333
00:12:10,252 --> 00:12:12,452
I've hidden
under the welcome mat
334
00:12:12,454 --> 00:12:15,071
makes sure you never
have banger's remorse.
335
00:12:15,073 --> 00:12:17,123
The Heavy Set Go
336
00:12:17,125 --> 00:12:18,708
by Stinson, patent pending.
337
00:12:18,710 --> 00:12:21,628
'Cause there's only one kind of
chubby you want in the bedroom.
338
00:12:21,630 --> 00:12:23,079
Am I right, people?
339
00:12:23,081 --> 00:12:26,266
This guy knows what
I'm talking about.
340
00:12:26,268 --> 00:12:30,086
I don't want to tell you
and Emsbry how to raise
341
00:12:30,088 --> 00:12:33,022
your child, but I think
if you keep letting him nap,
342
00:12:33,024 --> 00:12:34,140
he's gonna be up all night.
343
00:12:34,142 --> 00:12:36,276
Funny, you sound
like someone who's been
344
00:12:36,278 --> 00:12:38,144
around for his bedtime lately.
345
00:12:38,146 --> 00:12:40,730
Uh, can somebody get
this lady a storefront
346
00:12:40,732 --> 00:12:43,432
'cause she needs to mind
her own business, mm-kay?
347
00:12:44,569 --> 00:12:45,985
Would you stop it?
348
00:12:45,987 --> 00:12:48,538
Oh, right, right,
because it's a choice.
349
00:12:49,990 --> 00:12:51,791
You know what's
not a choice?
350
00:12:51,793 --> 00:12:53,293
Being gay for this kitchen.
351
00:12:54,328 --> 00:12:56,412
That came out wrong--
the point is,
352
00:12:56,414 --> 00:12:58,665
let's focus on this
awesome apartment.
353
00:12:58,667 --> 00:13:00,133
You're right.
354
00:13:00,135 --> 00:13:02,969
Look at that fabulous
plasma television.
355
00:13:02,971 --> 00:13:06,222
My ex-husband, who never
supported my career,
356
00:13:06,224 --> 00:13:07,373
would love
357
00:13:07,375 --> 00:13:10,893
to watch the Vikings
never win a Super Bowl
358
00:13:10,895 --> 00:13:12,679
in franchise history
on that thing.
359
00:13:12,681 --> 00:13:14,931
How dare you.
Don't let her push your buttons.
360
00:13:15,632 --> 00:13:17,317
Right.
361
00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:21,104
I don't care about football.
362
00:13:21,106 --> 00:13:22,689
I'm more of a...
363
00:13:22,691 --> 00:13:24,306
Woodworthy Manor fan.
364
00:13:25,359 --> 00:13:27,910
I very much enjoyed watching it
the other night.
365
00:13:28,697 --> 00:13:29,996
With Emsbry.
366
00:13:29,998 --> 00:13:31,147
Oh, you didn't.
367
00:13:31,149 --> 00:13:32,699
Yeah, oh, yeah.
368
00:13:32,701 --> 00:13:34,500
I know who
deliberately overwatered
369
00:13:34,502 --> 00:13:36,336
Lady Chillsbury's
prize-winning roses.
370
00:13:36,338 --> 00:13:38,871
They have been building
to that reveal all season,
371
00:13:38,873 --> 00:13:40,790
Marshall, don't you tell me...
372
00:13:40,792 --> 00:13:43,426
It was Parson Smallsby.
373
00:13:46,263 --> 00:13:48,848
Wow, great view.
374
00:13:48,850 --> 00:13:49,849
And customizable.
375
00:13:49,851 --> 00:13:50,883
Let's say you promised a girl
376
00:13:50,885 --> 00:13:52,001
a surprise trip
377
00:13:52,003 --> 00:13:54,170
to the most
romantic place on Earth.
378
00:13:54,172 --> 00:13:56,356
No peeking.
379
00:13:56,358 --> 00:13:58,641
Wow, we must've gone far.
380
00:13:58,643 --> 00:14:02,161
We were on your private jet
for, like, six hours.
381
00:14:02,163 --> 00:14:03,479
Well,
382
00:14:03,481 --> 00:14:05,148
You definitely weren't
on a bus to Delaware
383
00:14:05,150 --> 00:14:07,349
and back wearing earplugs,
I'll tell you that much.
384
00:14:07,351 --> 00:14:09,452
And I think you'll agree
it was worth the wait
385
00:14:09,454 --> 00:14:11,353
once you see the view.
386
00:14:11,355 --> 00:14:13,206
Et voila ma chérie.
387
00:14:15,993 --> 00:14:18,360
Oh, my God.
388
00:14:18,362 --> 00:14:20,413
You flew me to Vegas?
389
00:14:20,415 --> 00:14:22,915
It's, um... it's Par...
390
00:14:22,917 --> 00:14:24,884
Well, hey, whatever works,
whatever...
391
00:14:24,886 --> 00:14:27,053
The Room With a Screw
392
00:14:27,055 --> 00:14:28,838
by Stinson, patent pending.
393
00:14:29,673 --> 00:14:30,673
I know what
you're trying to do.
394
00:14:30,675 --> 00:14:31,758
You're trying
to drive people away.
395
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,009
No, I'm not--
I'm just trying
396
00:14:33,011 --> 00:14:34,677
to show off all of its
one-of-a-kind features.
397
00:14:34,679 --> 00:14:37,379
See, see, there's
also, uh, Venice.
398
00:14:38,432 --> 00:14:41,150
Niagara Falls,
399
00:14:41,152 --> 00:14:43,719
African safari.
400
00:14:43,721 --> 00:14:44,687
Oh...
401
00:14:44,689 --> 00:14:46,022
and my favorite...
402
00:14:48,942 --> 00:14:50,243
Huh?
403
00:14:50,245 --> 00:14:52,078
Nothing gets a girl to
go from "on the fenc""
404
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,863
to "on all fours" faster
than thinking
405
00:14:53,865 --> 00:14:56,949
everyone she's ever held dear
is a glowing pile of ash.
406
00:14:56,951 --> 00:14:58,918
Mushroom cloud five.
407
00:15:03,791 --> 00:15:06,259
I love you accent.
408
00:15:06,261 --> 00:15:07,677
Thank you.
409
00:15:07,679 --> 00:15:09,078
I practiced it all morning.
410
00:15:10,098 --> 00:15:11,413
You are adorable.
411
00:15:11,415 --> 00:15:12,465
Well...
412
00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:14,583
That Marshall's a lucky man.
413
00:15:14,585 --> 00:15:16,185
Well, aren't you ducky?
414
00:15:16,187 --> 00:15:18,087
Seriously if you were straight,
415
00:15:18,089 --> 00:15:20,256
I'd be all over you.
416
00:15:21,291 --> 00:15:22,558
Huh.
417
00:15:23,727 --> 00:15:25,111
What's this?
418
00:15:25,113 --> 00:15:25,978
Oh, God.
419
00:15:25,980 --> 00:15:27,780
Only the best thing ever.
420
00:15:27,782 --> 00:15:30,283
Let's say you had a wonderful
night with a girl, but now
421
00:15:30,285 --> 00:15:33,769
she's turning into a bit
of a morning-after pill.
422
00:15:41,829 --> 00:15:43,779
See? We need to
extend the chute
423
00:15:43,781 --> 00:15:46,048
and add a landing spot.
424
00:15:46,050 --> 00:15:48,668
And you said testing it with
a dummy was a waste of time.
425
00:15:48,670 --> 00:15:52,722
No, I said "dressing the dummy"
was a waste of time.
426
00:15:52,724 --> 00:15:54,507
The Escape From Bitch Mountain
427
00:15:54,509 --> 00:15:56,192
by Stinson, patent pending.
Okay.
428
00:15:56,194 --> 00:15:57,593
He's kidding,
it's just, you know,
429
00:15:57,595 --> 00:15:58,761
in case of fire.
430
00:15:58,763 --> 00:16:00,629
No, but I'm glad
you mentioned fire.
431
00:16:00,631 --> 00:16:03,099
See those smoke
detectors?
432
00:16:04,134 --> 00:16:05,351
Say these words.
433
00:16:06,937 --> 00:16:09,305
"I'm looking for
a deeper commitment."
434
00:16:10,692 --> 00:16:14,360
It's also triggered by "I'm too
tired," "Let's snuggle,"
435
00:16:14,362 --> 00:16:15,695
and "I'm a week late."
436
00:16:15,697 --> 00:16:17,313
Barney, I'm getting wet.
437
00:16:17,315 --> 00:16:21,150
And that turns it off.
438
00:16:21,152 --> 00:16:22,484
Look, just stop talking.
439
00:16:22,486 --> 00:16:24,036
We've made up our minds.
440
00:16:24,038 --> 00:16:25,788
Oh, well,
thanks for taking a look.
441
00:16:25,790 --> 00:16:26,873
I'll walk you out.
442
00:16:26,875 --> 00:16:28,708
We'll take it.
443
00:16:28,710 --> 00:16:31,210
If you never get a black light,
you'll be so happy here.
444
00:16:31,212 --> 00:16:33,129
Yes, yes!
445
00:16:33,131 --> 00:16:34,130
Yes, yes.
446
00:16:38,602 --> 00:16:40,836
Trouble in paradise?
447
00:16:47,510 --> 00:16:50,012
We have a child together.
448
00:16:56,350 --> 00:16:59,305
I can't believe you watched
Woodworthy Manor without me.
449
00:16:59,359 --> 00:17:02,077
I can't believe
that you're mad at me.
450
00:17:02,079 --> 00:17:05,030
I've been abandoned by my wife
and my gay companion.
451
00:17:05,032 --> 00:17:07,532
If I get blinded in one eye
by a badminton shuttlecock,
452
00:17:07,534 --> 00:17:09,034
you might as well
call me Lord Esterbrooke.
453
00:17:10,037 --> 00:17:11,152
You watched the new one
without me?
454
00:17:11,154 --> 00:17:13,922
Betrayal stings,
doesn't it, Emsbry?
455
00:17:15,291 --> 00:17:16,424
Hey.
456
00:17:16,426 --> 00:17:17,475
Hey.
Listen.
457
00:17:17,477 --> 00:17:18,760
I...
No, me first.
458
00:17:19,629 --> 00:17:20,629
I've been thinking
459
00:17:20,631 --> 00:17:22,097
and I realized something.
460
00:17:22,099 --> 00:17:24,332
The Fortress of Solitude is
461
00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:26,167
where Superman went to be alone.
462
00:17:26,169 --> 00:17:28,520
And I never want
to be alone again.
463
00:17:28,522 --> 00:17:31,556
Thank you, Barney,
that really...
464
00:17:31,558 --> 00:17:33,608
But then I remembered
in Superman II,
465
00:17:33,610 --> 00:17:36,361
Superman gave up all his powers
to be with Lois Lane,
466
00:17:36,363 --> 00:17:38,230
and he was honestly kind of
a vag after that.
467
00:17:38,232 --> 00:17:40,014
Oh, buddy,
just quit while...
468
00:17:40,016 --> 00:17:41,233
Now, Superman III was
469
00:17:41,235 --> 00:17:42,567
a complete train wreck totally.
470
00:17:42,569 --> 00:17:43,618
What's your point?
471
00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:44,619
That...
472
00:17:44,621 --> 00:17:46,187
that I love you.
473
00:17:46,189 --> 00:17:48,189
And...
474
00:17:48,191 --> 00:17:50,709
I'm giving up
my apartment for you.
475
00:17:50,711 --> 00:17:54,963
And that the Superman films
are uneven.
476
00:17:56,415 --> 00:17:58,867
I really appreciate
that, Barney, but...
477
00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:00,201
after you left...
478
00:18:00,203 --> 00:18:02,921
Congrats. You guys are getting
a fantastic apartment.
479
00:18:02,923 --> 00:18:06,391
I mean, I know some of the
features are a little weird.
480
00:18:06,393 --> 00:18:07,926
A little?
481
00:18:08,644 --> 00:18:09,678
We're gonna rip
this thing
482
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,012
down to the studs.
483
00:18:11,014 --> 00:18:12,764
I get it.
484
00:18:12,766 --> 00:18:15,433
But, I mean, some things
might be worth saving.
485
00:18:15,435 --> 00:18:17,686
I don't see any.
No.
486
00:18:17,688 --> 00:18:19,988
You don't see any?
487
00:18:20,690 --> 00:18:22,023
Sure some of the stuff in here
488
00:18:22,025 --> 00:18:24,359
is creepy,
but it's also brilliant.
489
00:18:24,361 --> 00:18:26,027
I mean, a lot
490
00:18:26,029 --> 00:18:27,662
of geniuses were kind of pervy.
491
00:18:27,664 --> 00:18:29,614
Look at Thomas Edison--
why do you think
492
00:18:29,616 --> 00:18:31,166
that lightbulbs are boob-shaped?
493
00:18:31,168 --> 00:18:33,785
Yeah, we're taking
a wrecking ball to this place
494
00:18:33,787 --> 00:18:37,405
and turning it into something
actually fit for humans.
495
00:18:39,459 --> 00:18:40,792
Excuse me.
496
00:18:47,401 --> 00:18:48,767
Get out!
497
00:18:48,769 --> 00:18:51,937
The Fortress of Barnitude
is no longer for sale.
498
00:18:51,939 --> 00:18:54,389
Also your husband has
been staring at my ass
499
00:18:54,391 --> 00:18:58,026
all afternoon so don't
act all high-and-mighty.
500
00:18:58,028 --> 00:18:59,761
You turned them down?
501
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:03,398
Yeah. If I ask you to change
too many things about yourself,
502
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,534
you're not gonna be the man
I fell in love with.
503
00:19:06,536 --> 00:19:07,719
Turns out,
504
00:19:07,721 --> 00:19:09,571
I accept and appreciate
505
00:19:09,573 --> 00:19:11,606
even the grossest, creepiest,
506
00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:14,075
most sociopathic parts of you.
507
00:19:15,245 --> 00:19:18,713
Sounds like somebody
just wrote her vows.
508
00:19:19,949 --> 00:19:21,716
Mm.
509
00:19:22,952 --> 00:19:24,285
It's the Captain.
510
00:19:25,454 --> 00:19:26,554
Ahoy.
511
00:19:26,556 --> 00:19:28,289
There's a zebra
at the Central Park Zoo
512
00:19:28,291 --> 00:19:30,592
who's got quite a keen hoof
at photography.
513
00:19:30,594 --> 00:19:32,794
Ironically, he's great
with color. Now...
514
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:36,014
Captain, I'll check it
out, just not tonight.
515
00:19:36,016 --> 00:19:38,900
I need to spend some
time with my husband.
516
00:19:38,902 --> 00:19:41,302
You sure?
517
00:19:41,304 --> 00:19:43,805
I know it's been tough,
me working this much,
518
00:19:43,807 --> 00:19:46,658
and I guess I went
a little overboard
519
00:19:46,660 --> 00:19:47,975
with the whole artsy thing.
520
00:19:47,977 --> 00:19:49,244
I know.
521
00:19:49,246 --> 00:19:50,412
The cape.
522
00:19:50,414 --> 00:19:51,529
What about my cape?
523
00:19:51,531 --> 00:19:52,647
I love it.
524
00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:53,698
And I...
525
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:54,833
I know that you love this job.
526
00:19:54,835 --> 00:19:56,451
I should be more supportive--
I just miss you.
527
00:19:56,453 --> 00:19:58,336
I miss you, too.
528
00:19:58,338 --> 00:19:59,821
Hey, guys.
529
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:01,956
Hey.
Hey.
530
00:20:01,958 --> 00:20:04,009
You guys are all so lucky.
531
00:20:04,011 --> 00:20:06,761
When am I gonna
find something real?
532
00:20:06,763 --> 00:20:07,995
Well, Emsbry,
533
00:20:07,997 --> 00:20:10,048
ready to see what it's like
to be with a woman?
534
00:20:10,050 --> 00:20:11,850
I suppose there's
535
00:20:11,852 --> 00:20:14,269
a first time for everything.
536
00:20:15,021 --> 00:20:17,055
Go ahead.
My son.
537
00:20:18,442 --> 00:20:19,441
Okay.
538
00:20:19,443 --> 00:20:22,577
Yeah, all right.
539
00:20:26,795 --> 00:20:29,880
Are you guys sure we're gonna
like this Woodworthy Manor show?
540
00:20:30,049 --> 00:20:31,982
Yeah, it sounds
kind of boring.
541
00:20:33,218 --> 00:20:34,385
Kind of boring?
542
00:20:34,387 --> 00:20:36,320
Grab a seat guys,
but trust me,
543
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:38,055
you're only gonna
need the edge.
544
00:20:38,907 --> 00:20:40,728
Ah-ha, all right, now,
545
00:20:40,828 --> 00:20:42,278
a little backstory.
546
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:45,865
Lady Stoutshire has developed
a serious case of croquet ankle
547
00:20:45,867 --> 00:20:49,919
and the cook Mrs. Bootbrush
can't find enough chestnuts
548
00:20:49,921 --> 00:20:52,004
for a proper
St. Crispin's Day goose.
549
00:20:52,006 --> 00:20:53,422
Let's watch.
550
00:21:04,935 --> 00:21:06,352
I love you.
551
00:21:06,354 --> 00:21:07,353
My wrist is broken.
552
00:21:07,355 --> 00:21:09,388
Worth it.
Ow.
553
00:21:09,390 --> 00:21:14,390
== sync, corrected by elderman ==