1
00:00:00,541 --> 00:00:02,491
Kids, for years, your Uncle Barney
2
00:00:02,492 --> 00:00:05,034
had reveled in mocking
Aunt Robin's Canadian heritage.
3
00:00:05,548 --> 00:00:07,686
To have to grow up
in Canada...
4
00:00:07,687 --> 00:00:09,703
with America right there.
5
00:00:09,705 --> 00:00:12,123
It's like an entire country
without a tailor.
6
00:00:12,125 --> 00:00:15,893
Why? Why do we let
you be a country?!
7
00:00:15,895 --> 00:00:20,714
But all that was about
to change.
8
00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:22,216
I was on Facebook.
9
00:00:22,218 --> 00:00:24,602
Nobody cool's
on Facebook anymore.
10
00:00:24,604 --> 00:00:26,521
Well, you know who is
on Facebook now?
11
00:00:26,523 --> 00:00:28,072
Everybody's parents.
12
00:00:28,074 --> 00:00:30,558
And I just happen
to be friends
13
00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:32,726
with Barney's long-lost father,
14
00:00:32,728 --> 00:00:34,228
Mr. Jerome Whitaker.
- Me, too.
15
00:00:34,230 --> 00:00:35,863
He's gotten really good
at Bejeweled Blitz.
16
00:00:35,865 --> 00:00:39,917
And guess who thought my status
update about Manitoba was
17
00:00:39,919 --> 00:00:45,122
so interesting because his
mother was born in Manitoba?
18
00:00:45,124 --> 00:00:46,457
What?
19
00:00:46,459 --> 00:00:48,742
Which means your grandmother...
20
00:00:48,744 --> 00:00:49,644
No...
21
00:00:49,646 --> 00:00:50,761
Which makes you...
22
00:00:50,763 --> 00:00:51,963
Don't say it!
23
00:00:51,965 --> 00:00:53,014
...one-quarter Canadian!
24
00:00:55,602 --> 00:00:57,635
Welcome to the tribe, hoser!
25
00:00:57,637 --> 00:00:59,720
No...
26
00:00:59,722 --> 00:01:01,856
it's not true!
27
00:01:01,858 --> 00:01:03,774
That's impossible!
28
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:12,668
♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x08 ♪
The Slutty Pumpkin Returns
Original Air Date on October 31, 2011
29
00:01:12,669 --> 00:01:16,669
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
30
00:01:21,970 --> 00:01:24,329
Once upon a time
at a Halloween party,
31
00:01:24,330 --> 00:01:26,730
I met a girl
dressed like a pumpkin...
32
00:01:26,732 --> 00:01:27,731
a slutty pumpkin.
33
00:01:27,733 --> 00:01:29,950
And she was extraordinary.
34
00:01:29,952 --> 00:01:32,670
But she gave me her number
on a Kit Kat bar,
35
00:01:32,672 --> 00:01:35,005
which was tragically given away
as Halloween candy.
36
00:01:35,007 --> 00:01:36,957
So every year I return
to that same party
37
00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:38,509
hoping I'd see her again.
38
00:01:38,511 --> 00:01:42,696
But with every passing October,
that hope grew a little dimmer.
39
00:01:42,698 --> 00:01:45,666
Then one day, after ten years
of searching...
40
00:01:45,668 --> 00:01:47,751
Oh, my God.
41
00:01:47,753 --> 00:01:50,020
The slutty pumpkin.
42
00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:52,923
This might sound creepy,
but do you have a record
43
00:01:52,925 --> 00:01:54,592
of who rented it in 2001?
44
00:01:57,612 --> 00:01:58,929
Wow, that was easy.
45
00:01:58,931 --> 00:02:00,814
You're not the first lovelorn
young man
46
00:02:00,816 --> 00:02:01,932
to walk through that door.
47
00:02:01,934 --> 00:02:04,235
Three girls got proposals off
48
00:02:04,237 --> 00:02:07,154
my wife's slutty artichoke
costume.
49
00:02:07,156 --> 00:02:10,491
Two others disappeared,
but I focus on the positive.
50
00:02:10,493 --> 00:02:13,210
I couldn't believe it.
I actually had her address.
51
00:02:13,212 --> 00:02:15,429
I knew I had
to play this right.
52
00:02:15,431 --> 00:02:19,133
It's not like I could just walk
up and knock on her door.
53
00:02:22,837 --> 00:02:26,123
Hi, you probably
don't remember me, but...
54
00:02:26,125 --> 00:02:28,625
Halloween, ten years ago.
55
00:02:29,427 --> 00:02:31,896
Now that's a slow play.
56
00:02:31,898 --> 00:02:35,799
The next day,
Lily and Marshall headed out
57
00:02:35,801 --> 00:02:37,318
to Lily's grandparents
for dinner.
58
00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,303
Marshall loved it
out in the 'burbs.
59
00:02:39,305 --> 00:02:40,971
Look how many fireflies
I caught!
60
00:02:40,973 --> 00:02:44,141
Don't forget to poke holes
in the jar this time.
61
00:02:44,943 --> 00:02:47,978
Now we have
a nice surprise for you.
62
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:51,365
Whatever it is,
we're saying no.
63
00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:53,500
- What?
- You know what.
64
00:02:53,502 --> 00:02:54,752
Every time we're here,
65
00:02:54,754 --> 00:02:57,037
my grandparents stick us with
some big old piece of junk
66
00:02:57,039 --> 00:02:58,488
they're getting rid of.
67
00:02:58,490 --> 00:03:01,342
It's like the world's worst
Showcase Showdown.
68
00:03:01,344 --> 00:03:05,045
It's a perfectly
usable lawnmower!
69
00:03:06,465 --> 00:03:08,015
We live in an apartment!
70
00:03:08,017 --> 00:03:09,266
But maybe someday
71
00:03:09,268 --> 00:03:10,718
when we move to the suburbs...
72
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,553
We're never moving
to the suburbs!
73
00:03:12,555 --> 00:03:13,637
And you also get...
74
00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:16,140
this skinny microphone!
75
00:03:16,142 --> 00:03:17,891
Oh!
76
00:03:17,893 --> 00:03:21,345
Before we head out
to our place in Florida,
77
00:03:21,347 --> 00:03:23,864
we wanted to give
our favorite granddaughter
78
00:03:23,866 --> 00:03:25,532
a little something.
79
00:03:25,534 --> 00:03:29,870
Ooh, it's so small.
I love it!
80
00:03:29,872 --> 00:03:32,373
- A key?
- We're giving you the house.
81
00:03:32,375 --> 00:03:36,160
Lily, I know you've
always hated the suburbs...
82
00:03:36,162 --> 00:03:38,796
We'll take it!
83
00:03:38,798 --> 00:03:41,582
For my first date
with the slutty pumpkin,
84
00:03:41,584 --> 00:03:43,217
I took her someplace special.
85
00:03:43,219 --> 00:03:44,868
Ted, this is so romantic.
86
00:03:44,870 --> 00:03:46,804
The spot where
we first met
87
00:03:46,806 --> 00:03:48,505
ten years ago.
88
00:03:48,507 --> 00:03:50,591
Do you remember the song
that was playing that night?
89
00:03:50,593 --> 00:03:53,344
I remember how beautiful
you looked.
90
00:03:53,346 --> 00:03:56,046
♪ It's been one week
since you looked at me ♪
91
00:03:56,048 --> 00:03:58,983
♪ Cocked your head to the side
and said, "I'm angry." ♪
92
00:03:58,985 --> 00:04:00,934
Is that, uh,
the Barenaked Ladies, huh?
93
00:04:00,936 --> 00:04:02,603
♪ Five days since you laughed
at me ♪
94
00:04:02,605 --> 00:04:04,822
♪ Saying, "Get that together.
Come back and see me." ♪
95
00:04:04,824 --> 00:04:09,076
Kids, it took me ten years,
but I finally kissed her.
96
00:04:09,078 --> 00:04:12,562
And it was... terrible.
97
00:04:19,770 --> 00:04:21,270
Lily, you hate the suburbs.
98
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:23,853
I know, but my grandparents
giving us a house
99
00:04:23,855 --> 00:04:25,388
right when
the baby's on the way?
100
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:26,505
It's perfect timing.
101
00:04:26,507 --> 00:04:28,524
This is great.
I'm finally gonna be able
102
00:04:28,526 --> 00:04:30,843
to barbecue with
proper ventilation.
103
00:04:32,179 --> 00:04:33,730
Marshall!
104
00:04:34,698 --> 00:04:36,232
We're moving
to the suburbs, baby!
105
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,234
Oh...
106
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,737
Okay.
107
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:42,622
Baby, you're not moving
to the suburbs.
108
00:04:42,624 --> 00:04:43,573
Why not?
109
00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:44,957
Lily is only agreeing
110
00:04:44,959 --> 00:04:46,709
to all this because
of Pregnancy Brain.
111
00:04:46,711 --> 00:04:48,795
Pregnancy Brain?
That's not a thing.
112
00:04:48,797 --> 00:04:50,029
It's totally a thing.
113
00:04:50,031 --> 00:04:54,667
Her brain is marinating in
a cocktail of hormones,
114
00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:57,253
mood swings and jacked-up
nesting instincts.
115
00:04:57,255 --> 00:05:00,556
I mean, yes, right now
Lily is a goddess
116
00:05:00,558 --> 00:05:02,308
bestowing the
miracle of life,
117
00:05:02,310 --> 00:05:04,844
but damn, she dumb!
118
00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:08,181
Well, I have noticed some stuff.
119
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:11,017
I can't find my keys
or wallet anywhere!
120
00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:13,052
I found them...
121
00:05:13,054 --> 00:05:15,554
here in the freezer.
122
00:05:15,556 --> 00:05:17,523
Hey, but where are
the ice cube trays?
123
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:19,642
No idea.
124
00:05:21,078 --> 00:05:25,064
Those poor ice cubes!
125
00:05:25,066 --> 00:05:28,084
I guess she has been
a little off lately.
126
00:05:28,086 --> 00:05:29,919
A little? She just texted me
127
00:05:29,921 --> 00:05:32,772
wanting directions back
from the bathroom.
128
00:05:32,774 --> 00:05:36,292
Oh. We're over here!
129
00:05:37,411 --> 00:05:39,178
You're doing great, sweetie!
130
00:05:39,180 --> 00:05:42,248
That moron should not be making
big life decisions right now.
131
00:05:42,250 --> 00:05:43,883
If you let her move
to the suburbs,
132
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,935
it would be like taking
advantage
133
00:05:45,937 --> 00:05:47,470
of a helpless drunk chick.
134
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,689
What? Where?!
135
00:05:49,691 --> 00:05:52,358
Oh, I got a girlfriend, right.
136
00:05:54,628 --> 00:05:56,446
Baby, we should put
off moving.
137
00:05:56,448 --> 00:05:57,447
Why?
138
00:05:57,449 --> 00:05:59,198
Because I think
the pregnancy is
139
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:00,283
affecting your judgment.
140
00:06:00,285 --> 00:06:04,771
No, Marshall, this is
an amazing opportunity
141
00:06:04,773 --> 00:06:07,106
that we have
to take advantage of!
142
00:06:07,108 --> 00:06:09,709
Just because my body
is growing a fungus...
143
00:06:09,711 --> 00:06:11,210
Fetus.
144
00:06:11,212 --> 00:06:12,478
...doesn't mean that my metal
factories...
145
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,213
Meal faculties.
146
00:06:14,215 --> 00:06:16,299
...are in any way funicular.
147
00:06:17,968 --> 00:06:19,469
No idea.
148
00:06:20,304 --> 00:06:24,006
Mmm...
149
00:06:24,008 --> 00:06:25,458
This is nice.
What is this?
150
00:06:25,460 --> 00:06:26,625
Canadian whiskey.
151
00:06:28,228 --> 00:06:31,130
I want scotch!
152
00:06:31,132 --> 00:06:35,518
American scotch
from Scotland!
153
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,970
Get that swill
away from me!
154
00:06:41,108 --> 00:06:43,242
Why are you doing
this to me?
155
00:06:43,244 --> 00:06:45,111
You have been ripping
on Canada
156
00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:47,646
since Justin Bieber was
knee-high to a snow blower.
157
00:06:47,648 --> 00:06:50,649
So now this Canuck's
gonna beat on you
158
00:06:50,651 --> 00:06:53,503
like the drummer from Yukon
Blonde hopped up on Timbits.
159
00:06:53,505 --> 00:06:55,755
- Hey.
- Hey!
160
00:06:55,757 --> 00:06:56,706
How was your
161
00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:58,508
big date with
the Snuffy Tuffkin?
162
00:06:58,510 --> 00:06:59,825
The Sniffy Napkin?
163
00:06:59,827 --> 00:07:03,379
The Slouchy Foreskin?
164
00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:04,663
Lily tie-tie.
165
00:07:04,665 --> 00:07:08,267
It was good... ish.
166
00:07:09,169 --> 00:07:11,837
Look, there's Orion's Belt.
167
00:07:11,839 --> 00:07:13,105
Oh.
168
00:07:13,107 --> 00:07:15,224
Why does holding hands feel
this weird?
169
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,393
Should our fingers
not intertwine?
170
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:20,646
What's causing that
pinching feeling?
171
00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:22,848
I'll just cup her hand.
172
00:07:22,850 --> 00:07:25,184
There. That's...
173
00:07:25,186 --> 00:07:27,203
not great.
174
00:07:30,824 --> 00:07:34,026
Her hair's up my nose.
175
00:07:34,028 --> 00:07:37,547
Her shoulder's jabbing
into my windpipe.
176
00:07:37,549 --> 00:07:39,298
Maybe if we reposition.
177
00:07:44,471 --> 00:07:45,871
I have to say something.
178
00:07:45,873 --> 00:07:47,390
She must be feeling it, too.
179
00:07:47,392 --> 00:07:49,208
This feels so right.
180
00:07:49,210 --> 00:07:52,011
We fit like two puzzle pieces.
181
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,229
Yeah.
182
00:07:53,231 --> 00:07:56,599
Ted, I know you've waited
ten years for this girl,
183
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,717
but some things
just aren't meant to be.
184
00:07:58,719 --> 00:08:00,853
Not so fast.
At the end of the night,
185
00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:03,656
when I leaned in and somehow
accidentally kissed
186
00:08:03,658 --> 00:08:06,659
her open eyeball, there was a
slight flicker of something
187
00:08:06,661 --> 00:08:09,745
I might even call chemistry...
188
00:08:09,747 --> 00:08:11,247
adjacent.
189
00:08:12,115 --> 00:08:13,399
Thank you.
190
00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:14,917
Wait.
191
00:08:16,286 --> 00:08:18,004
Where is my cash?
192
00:08:18,006 --> 00:08:19,589
Oh, yeah,
193
00:08:19,591 --> 00:08:22,291
I did a little exchange
for ya, Canucklehead.
194
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:25,711
This Canadian dollar here
is called a "loonie."
195
00:08:25,713 --> 00:08:30,099
And this two-dollar coin?
A "toonie." True story.
196
00:08:30,101 --> 00:08:33,269
It's federal currency
and you people talk about it
197
00:08:33,271 --> 00:08:35,304
like it's a Hannah-
Barbera character.
198
00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:38,224
Not you people, Barney.
199
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,725
Our people.
200
00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:42,194
Even though my first date
with Naomi was
201
00:08:42,196 --> 00:08:43,362
a little awkward,
202
00:08:43,364 --> 00:08:45,431
our second date was
a lot awkward.
203
00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:46,866
Mmm...!
204
00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:49,902
This is the worst
kissing of all time!
205
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:50,936
Mmm...
206
00:08:50,938 --> 00:08:52,738
How could she possibly
be into this?
207
00:08:53,625 --> 00:08:55,074
She sounds like
those cows in
208
00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:56,442
Temple Grandin's
hug machines.
209
00:08:56,444 --> 00:08:58,711
Do you want to listen
to some music?
210
00:08:58,713 --> 00:08:59,562
Uh-huh!
211
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:07,753
Ted, this is our song.
212
00:09:07,755 --> 00:09:09,889
Let's make love to this song.
213
00:09:11,475 --> 00:09:13,676
♪ Chickety China,
the Chinese chicken ♪
214
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,294
♪ Have a drumstick
and your brain stops tickin' ♪
215
00:09:15,296 --> 00:09:16,762
Yeah, I just gotta run
to the bathroom.
216
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,764
♪ X-Files with no lights on,
we're dans la maison. ♪
217
00:09:22,436 --> 00:09:23,436
Hey, doofus!
218
00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:25,438
It's me:
you at age 15.
219
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,656
And we made a deal
220
00:09:26,658 --> 00:09:29,992
we would always boink any chick
that wants to boink us!
221
00:09:29,994 --> 00:09:31,243
Yes, she's beautiful,
222
00:09:31,245 --> 00:09:33,579
it's just there's
no connection there.
223
00:09:33,581 --> 00:09:35,147
I don't feel intimate with her.
224
00:09:35,149 --> 00:09:36,949
"Intimate"? Let me remind you
of some things
225
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:39,285
you did feel "intimate" with
when you were 15:
226
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:40,419
a catcher's mitt,
227
00:09:40,421 --> 00:09:42,988
an oven mitt,
a glass of warm water,
228
00:09:42,990 --> 00:09:46,626
a half-open hide-a-bed sofa,
a top-loading VCR!
229
00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:47,877
It's not gonna happen!
230
00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:50,513
Come on!
231
00:09:50,515 --> 00:09:53,683
It'll take, like, 30 seconds!
232
00:09:55,168 --> 00:09:56,519
Naomi, listen...
233
00:09:56,521 --> 00:09:59,522
Shh...
234
00:10:02,559 --> 00:10:03,693
You like that, Ted?
235
00:10:03,695 --> 00:10:04,860
Hmm.
236
00:10:04,862 --> 00:10:08,397
Do you ike it
when I caress your hair?
237
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:11,850
Your hair is
so nice to caress.
238
00:10:11,852 --> 00:10:13,953
Why is she saying that word?
239
00:10:13,955 --> 00:10:16,405
I like to caress your hair.
240
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:20,242
There it is again! "Caress!"
Who says that?
241
00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:23,245
Caress.
242
00:10:24,831 --> 00:10:26,865
The thing is,
I like her, okay?
243
00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:28,968
I really, really like her.
244
00:10:28,970 --> 00:10:32,138
I just don't seem to like
anything she says or does.
245
00:10:32,973 --> 00:10:34,890
I have to break up
with her, don't I?
246
00:10:34,892 --> 00:10:35,941
Yes!
247
00:10:35,943 --> 00:10:37,977
After you sleep with her, yes!
248
00:10:39,045 --> 00:10:40,713
Marshall, I've been thinking
about what you said.
249
00:10:40,715 --> 00:10:43,566
You're right, we shouldn't
move to the suburbs.
250
00:10:43,568 --> 00:10:46,602
Let's not make any huge life
decisions right now.
251
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:48,521
Is this because you tried
to make waffles
252
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:49,722
with the laptop this morning?
253
00:10:49,724 --> 00:10:53,159
Anyway, I'm gonna call
a real estate broker
254
00:10:53,161 --> 00:10:54,944
to come look at the
house tomorrow.
255
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,545
Oh, by the way,
256
00:10:56,547 --> 00:10:58,698
I ordered those Minnesota
Vikings drapes.
257
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:01,917
You're right, they're totally
gonna class up our apartment.
258
00:11:04,721 --> 00:11:07,640
Okay, yes. It's wrong
to bang a drunk chick.
259
00:11:07,642 --> 00:11:10,743
But you're an idiot if you don't
get, like, a little something.
260
00:11:13,263 --> 00:11:14,263
Yo, Canada.
261
00:11:14,265 --> 00:11:16,382
What? Dammit!
262
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,250
Ha, you answer to "Canada" now.
263
00:11:20,070 --> 00:11:21,353
I'll make you a deal.
264
00:11:21,355 --> 00:11:22,722
You wear this costume
265
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,640
to the Halloween party
tomorrow night,
266
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,809
I'll drop it forever.
267
00:11:29,696 --> 00:11:31,731
You can't be serious.
268
00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:34,650
Oh, I am as serious
as a poutine shortage
269
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:37,236
in Chicoutimi during
a curling bonspiel.
270
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:40,939
I don't know what
any of those words mean.
271
00:11:40,941 --> 00:11:43,125
Yes. You do.
272
00:11:47,782 --> 00:11:50,132
Oh, that must be the broker.
Marshall, will you get it?
273
00:11:50,134 --> 00:11:52,301
Sure. Of course.
274
00:11:52,303 --> 00:11:55,221
Trick or treat!
275
00:11:55,223 --> 00:11:57,623
Oh, my gosh. How cute!
276
00:11:57,625 --> 00:11:59,391
I'm sorry, we don't
have any candy.
277
00:11:59,393 --> 00:12:01,177
Um, we forgot about
trick-or-treaters.
278
00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:02,394
We don't get any where we live.
279
00:12:02,396 --> 00:12:05,314
Yup. Only get this
kind of cuteness
280
00:12:05,316 --> 00:12:06,649
in the suburbs.
281
00:12:08,468 --> 00:12:13,489
Oh. Look at how sweet and
happy and unarmed they all are!
282
00:12:13,491 --> 00:12:16,659
Are you using adorable
little children in costumes
283
00:12:16,661 --> 00:12:17,827
to manipulate me?
- Bye!
284
00:12:17,829 --> 00:12:19,978
I mean, did you even call
a real estate broker?
285
00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:21,864
No.
286
00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:23,949
I've got Pregnancy Brain
like a fiddle
287
00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:27,419
and I've been playing
you like a fox.
288
00:12:29,623 --> 00:12:35,144
♪ Oh, Canada... ♪
289
00:12:35,146 --> 00:12:40,549
♪ Our home and native land... ♪
290
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,521
I knew it would be tough
to break up with Naomi.
291
00:12:45,523 --> 00:12:48,224
But when it's just not there,
you can't force it.
292
00:12:51,945 --> 00:12:53,479
Happy Halloween.
293
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:56,982
And just like that, I was
taken back ten years...
294
00:12:56,984 --> 00:13:00,152
to the hopeful kid in
the hanging chad costume,
295
00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:03,021
falling head over heels
for the Slutty Pumpkin.
296
00:13:03,023 --> 00:13:05,908
I made you something.
297
00:13:08,628 --> 00:13:11,380
- Oh.
- Your costume from that first night.
298
00:13:11,382 --> 00:13:14,083
Although you do realize
that even ten years ago,
299
00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,919
the hanging chad reference
was like almost a year old.
300
00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:19,371
Wow...
301
00:13:19,373 --> 00:13:21,257
I can't believe you made this.
302
00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:23,542
I can't believe you found me.
303
00:13:23,544 --> 00:13:26,846
Stay strong, Teddy.
We can do this.
304
00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,647
I...
305
00:13:28,649 --> 00:13:31,100
"Have to break up with you,"
just say it.
306
00:13:31,985 --> 00:13:33,352
Love...
Wait, what?
307
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:34,720
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
308
00:13:34,722 --> 00:13:36,822
Say sunsets!
Pancakes! Anything!
309
00:13:36,824 --> 00:13:38,056
Just don't say...
310
00:13:38,058 --> 00:13:39,358
You.
311
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,444
No!
312
00:13:46,443 --> 00:13:47,993
Barney? Where are you?
313
00:13:48,038 --> 00:13:49,905
You're moving slower
than John Diefenbaker
314
00:13:49,907 --> 00:13:52,574
climbing Mount Hungabee
on Boxing Day.
315
00:13:52,576 --> 00:13:54,876
Those are all real references
to our shared homeland.
316
00:13:54,878 --> 00:13:56,378
I'll be right there.
317
00:13:56,380 --> 00:14:00,549
Can't wait to see you in your
costume, Dudley Do-Right.
318
00:14:00,551 --> 00:14:02,467
♪ Living in America ♪
319
00:14:02,469 --> 00:14:03,969
♪ Ow! ♪
320
00:14:03,971 --> 00:14:05,804
♪ Eye to eye ♪
321
00:14:05,806 --> 00:14:08,390
♪ Station to station ♪
322
00:14:08,392 --> 00:14:11,643
♪ Living in America ♪
323
00:14:11,645 --> 00:14:14,179
♪ Hand in hand ♪
324
00:14:14,181 --> 00:14:16,715
♪ Across the nation ♪
325
00:14:16,717 --> 00:14:20,585
♪ Living in America ♪
326
00:14:20,587 --> 00:14:24,489
♪ Got to have a celebration ♪
327
00:14:24,491 --> 00:14:27,826
♪ Rock my soul ♪
328
00:14:27,828 --> 00:14:30,162
♪ Ow! ♪
329
00:14:30,164 --> 00:14:32,447
If we move here, you're just
going to have that baby,
330
00:14:32,449 --> 00:14:34,199
and then you're going to hate me
331
00:14:34,201 --> 00:14:36,535
for letting you do this.
I'm going to love it here.
332
00:14:36,537 --> 00:14:40,122
Oh, we'd have so much
room in the suburbs.
333
00:14:40,124 --> 00:14:44,325
You can get that pinball
machine you've always wanted.
334
00:14:44,327 --> 00:14:47,379
You can put it
anywhere you want.
335
00:14:47,381 --> 00:14:50,098
Stop it. You don't
know what you're saying.
336
00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:51,550
Anywhere.
337
00:14:51,552 --> 00:14:55,053
Upstairs, downstairs...
338
00:14:55,055 --> 00:14:57,355
you can stick it in the back.
339
00:14:58,558 --> 00:15:01,893
Lily, I want to be
inside this house so bad.
340
00:15:01,895 --> 00:15:04,830
USA! USA!
341
00:15:04,832 --> 00:15:06,131
USA!
342
00:15:06,133 --> 00:15:07,532
Come on!
343
00:15:07,534 --> 00:15:09,868
Okay, so rather than
wearing a Mountie costume
344
00:15:09,870 --> 00:15:11,319
and end this forever,
345
00:15:11,321 --> 00:15:13,188
you show up shirtless
to an outdoor party?
346
00:15:13,190 --> 00:15:14,539
It's practically November.
347
00:15:14,541 --> 00:15:16,958
No biggie. I ain't cold.
348
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,960
Huh. Interesting.
349
00:15:18,962 --> 00:15:20,462
It's fascinating.
350
00:15:20,464 --> 00:15:23,498
Almost as if your body was
accustomed to low temperatures
351
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:26,384
after generations of adapting.
352
00:15:26,386 --> 00:15:27,969
Canada.
353
00:15:27,971 --> 00:15:29,054
No.
354
00:15:29,056 --> 00:15:31,873
Guys, hey. Robin,
Barney, this is Naomi.
355
00:15:31,875 --> 00:15:33,258
- Hey.
- Hey.
356
00:15:33,260 --> 00:15:35,927
Nice to meet you guys.
357
00:15:35,929 --> 00:15:39,264
I'm gonna go make some Tootsie
Rolls. It's a drink I invented.
358
00:15:39,266 --> 00:15:40,232
There's a song and dance
359
00:15:40,234 --> 00:15:41,767
that goes along with it,
but I have to
360
00:15:41,769 --> 00:15:43,101
drink three of them
before I can do it.
361
00:15:45,221 --> 00:15:46,872
Oh.
Okay. You go.
362
00:15:46,874 --> 00:15:48,690
This way.
363
00:15:50,109 --> 00:15:53,228
Sounds delicious.
In theory.
364
00:15:53,230 --> 00:15:55,563
But you never know
until you taste it.
365
00:15:55,565 --> 00:15:59,901
Ted... have you tasted
her Tootsie Roll?
366
00:15:59,903 --> 00:16:00,919
Of course not.
367
00:16:00,921 --> 00:16:03,171
- Ow.
- Wait. Have you?
368
00:16:05,292 --> 00:16:07,759
You had sex with someone you
have zero feelings for!
369
00:16:07,761 --> 00:16:09,077
U-S-A!
370
00:16:09,079 --> 00:16:10,128
U-S...
371
00:16:10,130 --> 00:16:12,264
Stop it.
372
00:16:12,266 --> 00:16:14,099
Just no part of it felt right.
373
00:16:14,101 --> 00:16:16,384
At first there was too much
eye contact, then not enough.
374
00:16:16,386 --> 00:16:18,419
Where do you look during sex?
375
00:16:18,421 --> 00:16:21,056
Um, into the hidden camera
at future me watching it.
376
00:16:23,059 --> 00:16:24,309
Okay. Wait. How does
377
00:16:24,311 --> 00:16:26,561
saying "I want to break up
with you" lead into sex?
378
00:16:26,563 --> 00:16:29,865
I didn't say "I want to
break up with you," exactly.
379
00:16:29,867 --> 00:16:31,483
What did you say, exactly?
380
00:16:33,619 --> 00:16:34,736
"I love you."
381
00:16:34,738 --> 00:16:37,272
Classic Schmosby.
382
00:16:38,342 --> 00:16:42,828
Marshall, this house
wants you so bad.
383
00:16:42,830 --> 00:16:45,247
"Mow my lawn.
384
00:16:45,249 --> 00:16:46,882
"Rake my leaves.
385
00:16:46,884 --> 00:16:48,750
Winterize my pipes""
386
00:16:48,752 --> 00:16:49,918
Yes!
387
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,586
Yes! I'm coming...
388
00:16:51,588 --> 00:16:53,288
to terms with this decision!
389
00:16:53,290 --> 00:16:55,223
Oh!
390
00:16:55,225 --> 00:16:57,092
Trick or treat!
391
00:16:57,094 --> 00:16:57,809
Yay!
392
00:16:57,811 --> 00:17:00,011
Okay.
393
00:17:00,813 --> 00:17:03,098
Oh.
394
00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:04,432
Happy Halloween.
395
00:17:06,686 --> 00:17:09,354
- Lily.
- Yeah?
396
00:17:09,356 --> 00:17:10,822
You just gave
those children
397
00:17:10,824 --> 00:17:13,975
a stapler,
a pair of sharp scissors,
398
00:17:13,977 --> 00:17:16,278
and a pretty decent
Pinot Noir.
399
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:17,662
I did?
400
00:17:18,581 --> 00:17:20,532
Oh, my God.
401
00:17:20,534 --> 00:17:24,369
I'm going to miss
that stapler so much.
402
00:17:26,789 --> 00:17:29,925
I'm not doing
so great, am I?
403
00:17:29,927 --> 00:17:31,960
Maybe not.
404
00:17:33,713 --> 00:17:36,798
We shouldn't make any
huge life decisions
405
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,433
right now, should we?
406
00:17:38,435 --> 00:17:43,271
Hey, look, I love you and
I-I love the idea of raising
407
00:17:43,273 --> 00:17:45,357
our kids with a lawn
and a white picket fence,
408
00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:47,508
but we have our whole lives
to decide when
409
00:17:47,510 --> 00:17:49,811
and if we want
to do that.
410
00:17:49,813 --> 00:17:52,013
Do what?
411
00:17:52,015 --> 00:17:54,566
Let's get you home.
412
00:17:59,956 --> 00:18:01,623
Ooh.
413
00:18:01,625 --> 00:18:04,192
That's for the stapler!
414
00:18:04,194 --> 00:18:06,361
I hate the suburbs.
415
00:18:09,917 --> 00:18:10,916
Naomi...
416
00:18:10,918 --> 00:18:12,533
We have to
end this.
417
00:18:12,535 --> 00:18:13,534
W-- huh?
418
00:18:13,536 --> 00:18:15,170
I'm sorry, Tootsie Rolls make me
419
00:18:15,172 --> 00:18:17,555
really honest.
420
00:18:17,557 --> 00:18:22,394
Ted... I know
you're super into me.
421
00:18:23,346 --> 00:18:24,846
But we are terrible together.
422
00:18:24,848 --> 00:18:26,514
Wait, what?
423
00:18:26,516 --> 00:18:30,852
I've been trying, saying things
felt good that didn't just to...
424
00:18:32,438 --> 00:18:35,323
I thought saying it was good
would make it feel good, but...
425
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:39,828
...it always felt off.
426
00:18:42,249 --> 00:18:45,333
Why won't he stop
sniffing my hair?
427
00:18:45,335 --> 00:18:46,835
And what's up
with the hand holding?
428
00:18:46,837 --> 00:18:50,505
It's like he's trying
to win a thumb war.
429
00:18:50,507 --> 00:18:53,741
Ted, this is our song.
430
00:18:53,743 --> 00:18:56,428
Oh, no, he thinks
I'm actually into this song.
431
00:18:56,430 --> 00:18:58,546
Does he not get sarcasm?
432
00:18:58,548 --> 00:19:01,516
Let's make love to this song.
433
00:19:01,518 --> 00:19:02,851
I'll just be even more
ridiculous
434
00:19:02,853 --> 00:19:04,853
to make it clear it's a joke.
435
00:19:04,855 --> 00:19:06,771
♪ Chickety-China,
the Chinese chicken... ♪
436
00:19:06,773 --> 00:19:08,023
I...
437
00:19:08,025 --> 00:19:10,191
Uh-oh, where you going
with this, buddy?
438
00:19:10,193 --> 00:19:11,309
...love...
439
00:19:11,311 --> 00:19:12,593
Nope, too soon.
440
00:19:12,595 --> 00:19:14,980
Say basset hounds,
Pretzel Crisps, anything but...
441
00:19:14,982 --> 00:19:16,280
...you.
442
00:19:16,305 --> 00:19:18,147
Oh, God, just kiss him
before he proposes.
443
00:19:21,537 --> 00:19:23,204
Ted, I've been looking
for the Hot Hanging Chad
444
00:19:23,206 --> 00:19:25,824
for the last nine Halloweens.
445
00:19:25,826 --> 00:19:27,659
I've waded
through a sweaty parade
446
00:19:27,661 --> 00:19:30,045
of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters,
447
00:19:30,047 --> 00:19:32,047
Antoine Dodsons,
and that jackass
448
00:19:32,049 --> 00:19:33,882
who always dresses as laundry.
449
00:19:33,884 --> 00:19:35,250
Oh, I hate that guy.
450
00:19:35,252 --> 00:19:37,969
That's why,
once I finally found you...
451
00:19:38,838 --> 00:19:42,140
...it was hard to let you go.
452
00:19:43,342 --> 00:19:44,976
Good-bye, Ted.
453
00:19:48,964 --> 00:19:51,733
Let's just not touch ever again.
454
00:19:51,735 --> 00:19:52,684
Probably a good idea, yeah.
455
00:19:52,686 --> 00:19:54,736
Okay.
456
00:19:54,738 --> 00:19:57,405
Kids, after spending a decade
dreaming of the wrong girl,
457
00:19:57,407 --> 00:20:00,325
I wanted more than ever
for the next woman I met
458
00:20:00,327 --> 00:20:02,694
to be the real thing.
459
00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:08,867
Yeah, I don't know, Barney,
she doesn't seem like my type.
460
00:20:08,869 --> 00:20:11,252
I will kill you.
461
00:20:11,254 --> 00:20:12,587
I'll see
what I can do.
462
00:20:34,643 --> 00:20:37,361
Oh, hey there, I'm
Barney, how are you?
463
00:20:37,363 --> 00:20:40,665
No, I'm Barney.
464
00:20:42,868 --> 00:20:44,001
Whoa.
465
00:20:44,003 --> 00:20:45,953
You pack quite a wallop there.
466
00:20:45,955 --> 00:20:47,988
Hope you didn't
hurt your hand.
467
00:20:47,990 --> 00:20:50,824
Why are you so nice?
468
00:20:52,328 --> 00:20:54,328
Oh, sorry about my
thick noodle there.
469
00:20:54,330 --> 00:20:56,881
How about we split the
cost of the vase, eh?
470
00:20:56,883 --> 00:20:59,550
Holy Zamboni.
471
00:20:59,552 --> 00:21:01,435
Wow, you really put your
weight behind that one.
472
00:21:01,437 --> 00:21:02,937
That was a
really good one.
473
00:21:02,939 --> 00:21:04,772
Oh, heavens to Gretzky, that
was a real Chiclet rattler.
474
00:21:04,774 --> 00:21:08,774
== sync, corrected by elderman ==