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00:00:02,331 --> 00:00:04,883
NARRATOR: Kids, sometimes
wonderful things
2
00:00:04,884 --> 00:00:07,052
come out
of horrible situations.
3
00:00:07,053 --> 00:00:09,087
Like, remember that trip
I took to Hong Kong
4
00:00:09,088 --> 00:00:10,021
where I got stuck
in the airport?
5
00:00:10,123 --> 00:00:11,941
Well, a funny thing
happened that day.
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00:00:11,942 --> 00:00:14,026
Yes, I realize it's raining,
7
00:00:14,027 --> 00:00:15,661
but, come on, it's 2021.
8
00:00:15,662 --> 00:00:17,596
We can make cell phones
that project holograms,
9
00:00:17,597 --> 00:00:20,032
but a light drizzle shuts down
a whole airport?
10
00:00:20,033 --> 00:00:20,833
Hey, Ted.
11
00:00:20,834 --> 00:00:23,836
Hey...
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00:00:23,837 --> 00:00:25,471
There she is.
13
00:00:25,472 --> 00:00:27,289
Wow.
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00:00:27,990 --> 00:00:29,658
Wendy the Waitress.
Wendy the Waitress!
15
00:00:29,659 --> 00:00:32,678
I was just saying--
what are you doing here?
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00:00:32,679 --> 00:00:34,446
What was she doing there?
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00:00:34,447 --> 00:00:36,915
For that, we have to back up
about ten years.
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00:00:36,916 --> 00:00:38,300
So, Barney, I hear
you and Nora
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00:00:38,301 --> 00:00:40,585
had a fun time
at laser tag.
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00:00:40,586 --> 00:00:42,320
I don't know where
you heard that.
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00:00:42,321 --> 00:00:43,522
It was a disaster.
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00:00:43,523 --> 00:00:45,057
Not according to her.
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00:00:45,058 --> 00:00:47,359
Oh, my God, this
was so much fun.
24
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:48,694
We have to do this again.
We do, we have to.
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00:00:48,695 --> 00:00:50,562
You want to grab
a drink right now?
26
00:00:50,563 --> 00:00:52,130
No, I'm kind of tired.
27
00:00:52,131 --> 00:00:53,231
But...
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00:00:53,232 --> 00:00:54,266
this is my number.
29
00:00:54,267 --> 00:00:55,333
Give me a call.
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00:00:55,334 --> 00:00:56,768
Absolutely.
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00:00:56,769 --> 00:00:58,203
How is that a disaster?
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00:00:58,204 --> 00:00:59,871
She didn't want to get drinks.
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00:00:59,872 --> 00:01:01,773
And as soon as a girl says
34
00:01:01,774 --> 00:01:04,109
she doesn't want
to get drinks, well...
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00:01:04,110 --> 00:01:06,745
You want to grab a drink right
now? No, I'm kind of tired.
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00:01:06,746 --> 00:01:11,316
(muted trumpet imitating adults'
speaking voice from "Peanuts")
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00:01:11,317 --> 00:01:14,119
Absolutely.
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00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:15,353
It's a shame, too.
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00:01:15,354 --> 00:01:17,789
She was a really great
laser tag partner.
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00:01:17,790 --> 00:01:20,459
She's tiny, so she's
allowed to push kids.
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00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:23,929
Please, Cheese.
You like this girl.
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00:01:23,930 --> 00:01:25,430
What? Nora?
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00:01:25,431 --> 00:01:26,665
No, I don't.
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00:01:26,666 --> 00:01:29,167
Barney, you can't say
her name without smiling.
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00:01:29,168 --> 00:01:31,570
That's...
46
00:01:31,571 --> 00:01:33,271
Nora.
47
00:01:33,272 --> 00:01:34,806
Sorry, sorry.
48
00:01:34,807 --> 00:01:36,308
I was thinking
of a funny thing
49
00:01:36,309 --> 00:01:37,709
that Nora said.
Hmm.
50
00:01:37,710 --> 00:01:38,777
Stop it.
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00:01:38,778 --> 00:01:39,878
No... ra.
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00:01:39,879 --> 00:01:40,979
Nah...
53
00:01:40,980 --> 00:01:42,748
Damn it, what is
the matter with me?
54
00:01:42,749 --> 00:01:44,549
You like her.
You should call her.
55
00:01:44,550 --> 00:01:45,650
Call her?
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00:01:45,651 --> 00:01:48,386
Robin, three things:
she had a nice face,
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00:01:48,387 --> 00:01:51,690
her booty was in place,
but Barney don't chase.
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00:01:51,691 --> 00:01:53,125
That is ridiculous.
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00:01:53,126 --> 00:01:55,460
Barney, you know what,
here's some advice.
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00:01:55,461 --> 00:01:58,630
(muted trumpet imitating adults'
speaking voice from "Peanuts")
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00:02:01,434 --> 00:02:03,368
Totally.
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00:02:04,108 --> 00:02:08,035
Transcript by Addic7ed.com
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00:02:08,036 --> 00:02:12,036
Sync by jacobian @ Hdbits.org
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00:02:18,112 --> 00:02:20,397
NARRATOR: Kids, I had
just started dating Zoey.
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00:02:20,398 --> 00:02:21,899
And when you first start
dating someone,
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00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:24,234
everyone wants to know the
same thing. How did we meet?
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00:02:24,235 --> 00:02:27,170
Oh, Ted, she doesn't want...
No, it's a cute story.
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00:02:27,171 --> 00:02:28,822
Once upon a time...
69
00:02:28,823 --> 00:02:31,708
Zoey was married to this
super rich, super creepy guy
70
00:02:31,709 --> 00:02:34,375
called The Captain.
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00:02:34,410 --> 00:02:36,112
So when Zoey
and I became friends,
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00:02:36,113 --> 00:02:38,247
I was careful
not to cross any lines.
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00:02:38,248 --> 00:02:41,150
Oh, man, this movie is scary.
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00:02:41,151 --> 00:02:41,951
I know, right?
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00:02:41,952 --> 00:02:43,720
But then one day,
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00:02:43,721 --> 00:02:46,589
Zoey and The Captain
had a huge fight.
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00:02:46,590 --> 00:02:49,792
He flipped out
and demanded a divorce.
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00:02:49,793 --> 00:02:51,761
And she was heartbroken.
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00:02:51,762 --> 00:02:53,396
But after a little
soul-searching,
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00:02:53,397 --> 00:02:57,316
she ended up back in my life,
and the rest, as they say,
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00:02:57,317 --> 00:02:59,602
is history.
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00:02:59,603 --> 00:03:02,138
Actually, I said,
"How's your meat?"
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00:03:02,139 --> 00:03:03,706
Oh.
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00:03:04,707 --> 00:03:06,608
A little cold.
85
00:03:06,609 --> 00:03:07,909
Gee, wonder why.
86
00:03:10,196 --> 00:03:12,914
Oh, Ted, did you have a
chance to pick up that box
87
00:03:12,949 --> 00:03:13,916
I left at my
old apartment?
88
00:03:13,917 --> 00:03:17,153
Oh. Yeah, I don't want
to see The Captain.
89
00:03:17,154 --> 00:03:19,555
I mean this
in a super manly way.
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00:03:19,556 --> 00:03:21,590
That guy scares
the panties off me.
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00:03:21,591 --> 00:03:22,825
ZOEY: You don't
have to see him.
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00:03:22,826 --> 00:03:25,061
He left the box
with the doorman.
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00:03:25,062 --> 00:03:27,730
If it's really important to you,
I will pick it up tomorrow.
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00:03:27,731 --> 00:03:30,132
All right, guys, I have
to go. I have a big
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00:03:30,133 --> 00:03:33,302
meaningless stack of paperwork
that I have to get off my desk
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00:03:33,303 --> 00:03:36,339
to make room for tomorrow's big
meaningless stack of paperwork.
97
00:03:37,140 --> 00:03:38,941
But it's all worth it,
98
00:03:38,942 --> 00:03:42,578
you know, 'cause at least I know
I'm making the world a... place.
99
00:03:42,579 --> 00:03:44,513
All right, see you guys later.
100
00:03:45,449 --> 00:03:47,049
I'm worried
about Marshall.
101
00:03:47,050 --> 00:03:49,018
He doesn't seem like
himself lately.
102
00:03:49,019 --> 00:03:51,187
Yeah, he's been really... quiet.
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00:03:51,188 --> 00:03:53,289
Well, that's just what
Minnesota guys are like--
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00:03:53,290 --> 00:03:55,458
strong, silent,
you know, man's man.
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00:03:55,459 --> 00:03:56,959
Like Prince.
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00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,761
No, it's more than that.
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00:03:58,762 --> 00:04:01,063
It's like, all the stuff
he used to love,
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00:04:01,064 --> 00:04:04,600
he suddenly has
no interest in anymore.
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00:04:04,601 --> 00:04:06,302
Oh.
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00:04:06,303 --> 00:04:08,004
Ha-wink.
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00:04:08,005 --> 00:04:09,372
Excuse me?
112
00:04:09,373 --> 00:04:11,440
Lily, in my travels,
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00:04:11,441 --> 00:04:13,843
I've developed a finely
calibrated sense
114
00:04:13,844 --> 00:04:15,745
of how long it's
been since--
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00:04:15,746 --> 00:04:17,947
How do I not put
this delicately?--
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00:04:17,948 --> 00:04:19,281
a girl's been porked.
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00:04:19,282 --> 00:04:20,216
And, boo,
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00:04:20,217 --> 00:04:22,151
you've been
pork-free so long,
119
00:04:22,152 --> 00:04:23,753
you're practically kosher.
120
00:04:24,287 --> 00:04:25,654
It's been a while.
121
00:04:25,655 --> 00:04:28,491
Five weeks, three days
by my estimation.
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00:04:28,492 --> 00:04:30,826
You should work
at a carnival.
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00:04:30,827 --> 00:04:31,961
I tried.
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00:04:31,962 --> 00:04:33,696
They're pretty strict
with backgrounds.
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00:04:33,697 --> 00:04:35,231
Anyway, we should
get going.
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00:04:35,232 --> 00:04:36,699
Yeah, I'll walk out
with you guys.
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00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:39,235
Good night.
Good night, guys.
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00:04:47,878 --> 00:04:49,645
18 weeks.
129
00:04:49,646 --> 00:04:50,613
Damn it.
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00:04:50,614 --> 00:04:52,915
Okay, yes, I am in
a bit of a dry spell.
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00:04:52,916 --> 00:04:53,916
Hmm.
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00:04:53,917 --> 00:04:55,384
But I just started
a new job,
133
00:04:55,385 --> 00:04:57,053
and dating's been
on the back burner, and...
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00:04:57,054 --> 00:04:58,387
Shh.
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00:04:58,388 --> 00:05:01,590
Child, listen.
136
00:05:01,591 --> 00:05:03,092
If you're really
hurting for it,
137
00:05:03,093 --> 00:05:05,361
I'd be more than happy
to throw you one.
138
00:05:05,362 --> 00:05:07,630
Throw me one?
Yeah.
139
00:05:07,631 --> 00:05:10,332
We're exes. We're probably
due for a backslide.
140
00:05:10,333 --> 00:05:13,302
Or we could just
do it the normal way.
141
00:05:13,303 --> 00:05:15,204
Oh, I see
what's going on.
142
00:05:15,205 --> 00:05:16,238
Yeah?
143
00:05:16,239 --> 00:05:17,740
This is about Nora.
144
00:05:17,741 --> 00:05:22,328
You met a girl, you liked her,
but then you missed your shot.
145
00:05:22,329 --> 00:05:25,147
And now you're trying to hook up
with your ex-girlfriend
146
00:05:25,148 --> 00:05:27,316
to prove to yourself
that you don't care.
147
00:05:27,317 --> 00:05:29,652
Robin, you could
not be more--
148
00:05:29,653 --> 00:05:31,587
What do you mean
I missed my shot?
149
00:05:31,588 --> 00:05:33,489
Nora met a guy.
What?!
150
00:05:33,490 --> 00:05:34,590
(clears throat)
151
00:05:34,591 --> 00:05:36,025
(quietly):
What?
152
00:05:36,026 --> 00:05:37,326
Yep. Off the market.
153
00:05:37,327 --> 00:05:39,345
He's taking her to Cafe L'Amour
this Friday night.
154
00:05:39,346 --> 00:05:40,513
But "L'Amour"
means love!
155
00:05:40,514 --> 00:05:42,031
They're going to
the cafe of love!
156
00:05:42,032 --> 00:05:43,399
I'm fine. It's fine.
157
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,567
Point is,
158
00:05:44,568 --> 00:05:48,104
Robin, I don't
even like Nora.
159
00:05:48,105 --> 00:05:49,505
Damn it!
160
00:05:51,308 --> 00:05:54,944
Oh, baby,
why aren't you in bed?
161
00:05:54,945 --> 00:05:56,745
I can't sleep.
162
00:05:56,746 --> 00:05:58,647
Mmm.
163
00:05:58,648 --> 00:06:02,051
Anything I can do
to help you with that?
164
00:06:02,052 --> 00:06:05,788
Maybe after this
documentary on garbage.
165
00:06:05,789 --> 00:06:09,325
Man, I am losing
my touch.
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00:06:09,326 --> 00:06:11,627
MAN (rhotacistic):
Nearly twice the size of Texas,
167
00:06:11,628 --> 00:06:14,663
the Gweat Pacific Garbage Patch,
or "Garbage Island,"
168
00:06:14,664 --> 00:06:16,532
is an enviwonmental disaster.
169
00:06:16,533 --> 00:06:18,968
Sepawated from its pawents,
170
00:06:18,969 --> 00:06:21,437
this young bird stwuggles
to survive,
171
00:06:21,438 --> 00:06:24,340
stwangling itself in the
plastic wings of a six-pack.
172
00:06:24,341 --> 00:06:28,060
Marshall Eriksen, I think
you know what you have to do.
173
00:06:28,061 --> 00:06:29,562
I have to save
the planet!
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00:06:29,563 --> 00:06:31,280
Is it over? I call on top.
175
00:06:31,281 --> 00:06:33,015
Ow!
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00:06:33,016 --> 00:06:35,151
NARRATOR: A few days later, I
headed over to The Captain's building
177
00:06:35,152 --> 00:06:36,652
to get Zoey's box.
178
00:06:36,653 --> 00:06:38,220
I'm here to...
Ted.
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00:06:38,221 --> 00:06:40,389
What a surprise.
180
00:06:47,401 --> 00:06:48,568
Ted.
181
00:06:48,569 --> 00:06:50,070
Captain. I...
182
00:06:50,071 --> 00:06:51,371
You've come to rescue me
183
00:06:51,372 --> 00:06:54,307
from the capsized wreckage
of my marriage.
184
00:06:54,308 --> 00:06:55,508
Mm...
185
00:06:55,509 --> 00:06:56,643
I hesitated calling you
186
00:06:56,644 --> 00:06:58,645
because I know you and Zoey
were friendly.
187
00:06:58,646 --> 00:07:00,647
Pssh, nah... But
my wife has left me.
188
00:07:00,648 --> 00:07:02,983
All my friends
have abandoned me.
189
00:07:02,984 --> 00:07:04,050
Please,
190
00:07:04,051 --> 00:07:06,286
tell me you're on my side.
191
00:07:06,287 --> 00:07:08,588
(nervous chuckle)
192
00:07:10,625 --> 00:07:13,560
Let's adjourn to the study.
193
00:07:16,664 --> 00:07:17,764
Garbage Island.
194
00:07:17,765 --> 00:07:19,065
You haven't heard
195
00:07:19,066 --> 00:07:21,234
of Garbage Island?
196
00:07:21,802 --> 00:07:23,302
It's an island...
197
00:07:23,303 --> 00:07:25,105
made of garbage!
198
00:07:25,106 --> 00:07:26,840
It's in the
Pacific Ocean.
199
00:07:26,841 --> 00:07:28,942
It's twice the
size of Texas!
200
00:07:28,943 --> 00:07:31,811
In other words,
one-eighth the size of Canada.
201
00:07:31,812 --> 00:07:33,880
So...
202
00:07:33,881 --> 00:07:36,716
Guys, I'm going
environmental, okay?
203
00:07:36,717 --> 00:07:38,485
Phase one: the bar.
204
00:07:38,486 --> 00:07:40,286
I've already convinced
MacLaren's to implement
205
00:07:40,287 --> 00:07:41,388
a new green initiative.
206
00:07:41,389 --> 00:07:42,555
That's 'cause of you?
207
00:07:42,556 --> 00:07:45,125
I got to carry
an 80-pound bag of bottles
208
00:07:45,126 --> 00:07:47,327
to the recycling center
every night.
209
00:07:47,995 --> 00:07:49,295
I threw my back out.
210
00:07:49,296 --> 00:07:52,365
You're welcome... Earth.
211
00:07:52,366 --> 00:07:53,833
Phase two:
212
00:07:53,834 --> 00:07:55,402
GNB.
213
00:07:55,403 --> 00:07:57,020
Tomorrow I'm going
to make a presentation
214
00:07:57,021 --> 00:07:59,172
in front of the board
about how we can cut
215
00:07:59,173 --> 00:08:02,742
our carbon footprint by
half for only $12 million.
216
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:04,678
Dude, don't do that.
All they're going to hear
217
00:08:04,679 --> 00:08:07,080
is "$12 million," and
all you're going to hear
218
00:08:07,081 --> 00:08:09,282
is the sound of the door
smacking your fired ass.
219
00:08:09,283 --> 00:08:11,351
And some muffled
laughter.
220
00:08:11,352 --> 00:08:13,119
Which I apologize
for in advance.
221
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:14,421
TED:
Guys,
222
00:08:14,422 --> 00:08:15,588
I got a problem.
223
00:08:15,589 --> 00:08:17,957
I ran into The Captain.
224
00:08:17,958 --> 00:08:21,127
Ted, beneath this
225
00:08:21,128 --> 00:08:25,632
lustrous mane, I wear
the horns of a cuckold.
226
00:08:26,300 --> 00:08:28,935
Zoey left me
for another man.
227
00:08:29,904 --> 00:08:31,304
Wow.
228
00:08:31,305 --> 00:08:33,673
Do you have any idea
who it could be?
229
00:08:33,674 --> 00:08:35,975
NARRATOR: The Captain then
told a story much different
230
00:08:35,976 --> 00:08:37,310
than the one I'd been telling.
231
00:08:37,311 --> 00:08:39,579
But one maybe just as true.
232
00:08:39,580 --> 00:08:42,682
Once upon a time,
Zoey and I were happy.
233
00:08:42,683 --> 00:08:44,884
Blissful as Arcadian shepherds.
234
00:08:44,885 --> 00:08:46,052
I was Poseidon,
235
00:08:46,053 --> 00:08:48,354
she my Amphitrite.
236
00:08:48,355 --> 00:08:50,156
I dare say,
Scylla and Charybdis
237
00:08:50,157 --> 00:08:52,258
could not have torn us asunder.
238
00:08:52,259 --> 00:08:55,662
We had great big boners
for each other.
239
00:08:55,663 --> 00:08:57,397
But then...
240
00:08:57,398 --> 00:08:59,632
enter the scoundrel.
241
00:08:59,633 --> 00:09:02,969
Oh, man, this movie's scary.
242
00:09:02,970 --> 00:09:05,939
I know, eh?
243
00:09:05,940 --> 00:09:07,123
I don't know
what he looks like,
244
00:09:07,124 --> 00:09:08,341
but I picture him
with a mustache.
245
00:09:08,342 --> 00:09:09,576
TED:
Yes!
246
00:09:09,577 --> 00:09:12,345
Limit the search to guys
with mustaches. Smart.
247
00:09:12,346 --> 00:09:15,915
Anyway, soon
the inevitable happened.
248
00:09:15,916 --> 00:09:18,718
She told me she was in love
with someone else.
249
00:09:18,719 --> 00:09:20,787
Obviously, it made me angry.
250
00:09:20,788 --> 00:09:23,189
And that's the last time
you saw her.
251
00:09:23,190 --> 00:09:25,158
But I gathered
my composure,
252
00:09:25,159 --> 00:09:27,227
and told her I'd do
anything to keep her.
253
00:09:27,228 --> 00:09:28,928
I begged her not to leave.
254
00:09:28,929 --> 00:09:30,897
We made love that night.
255
00:09:32,366 --> 00:09:34,801
That's damn good brandy.
256
00:09:34,802 --> 00:09:36,770
But morning came,
257
00:09:36,771 --> 00:09:38,738
and she was gone.
258
00:09:38,739 --> 00:09:41,491
Oh, Captain...
259
00:09:41,492 --> 00:09:42,976
don't blame yourself.
260
00:09:42,977 --> 00:09:45,712
I don't blame myself.
Hmm?
261
00:09:45,713 --> 00:09:49,616
There's only one man I blame
for this.
262
00:09:49,617 --> 00:09:50,583
Me.
263
00:09:51,519 --> 00:09:52,852
I'm the bad guy.
264
00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:56,122
Well, maybe to him
you are, but in the story
265
00:09:56,123 --> 00:09:58,124
of picking up
the box for Zoey,
266
00:09:58,125 --> 00:09:59,659
you're the hero.
267
00:09:59,660 --> 00:10:01,494
Damn it! The box!
268
00:10:07,568 --> 00:10:11,304
Baby, baby, I really got to
work on this presentation.
269
00:10:11,305 --> 00:10:12,906
Oh, that's too bad,
270
00:10:12,907 --> 00:10:16,359
'cause I was going to make
a little presentation of my own.
271
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:18,745
Okay, um, how about this:
272
00:10:18,746 --> 00:10:22,415
from now until
tomorrow afternoon,
273
00:10:22,416 --> 00:10:27,053
I do this, and then
tomorrow night, I do that.
274
00:10:27,054 --> 00:10:28,254
Deal.
275
00:10:31,792 --> 00:10:33,459
Come on, come on.
276
00:10:33,460 --> 00:10:34,828
Lily!
277
00:10:37,331 --> 00:10:40,800
You lying little minx.
278
00:10:40,801 --> 00:10:43,436
I happened to be
at Cafe L'Amour tonight
279
00:10:43,437 --> 00:10:45,939
from 5:00 p.m. until closing,
280
00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:48,107
reading a newspaper with
two holes cut out of it,
281
00:10:48,108 --> 00:10:49,642
and I never saw Nora
282
00:10:49,643 --> 00:10:51,444
or this Italian race car driver
she's dating.
283
00:10:51,445 --> 00:10:53,279
Sorry. Who said
anything about an...?
284
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,515
Come on, you just know
he's an Italian race car driver.
285
00:10:55,516 --> 00:10:56,716
No, he's not. He doesn't exist.
286
00:10:56,717 --> 00:10:59,185
I made the whole thing up
to see if you like her.
287
00:10:59,186 --> 00:11:00,453
And you do.
288
00:11:01,422 --> 00:11:02,755
So you should just call her.
289
00:11:02,756 --> 00:11:03,556
(scoffs)
290
00:11:03,557 --> 00:11:05,525
Here is her number.
291
00:11:09,079 --> 00:11:10,530
And I also
programmed it
292
00:11:10,531 --> 00:11:13,166
into your phone while you were
in the bathroom.
293
00:11:17,104 --> 00:11:20,340
Wow. That was a joke.
You just got here, remember?
294
00:11:21,442 --> 00:11:23,676
You really are smitten.
295
00:11:23,677 --> 00:11:24,944
No, I'm not.
296
00:11:24,945 --> 00:11:26,045
I'm Barney Stinson.
297
00:11:26,046 --> 00:11:28,882
I don't get smitten, I smite!
298
00:11:28,883 --> 00:11:30,483
You are totally smitten,
299
00:11:30,484 --> 00:11:32,452
but you're scared of being
in a relationship.
300
00:11:32,453 --> 00:11:33,553
No, I'm not.
301
00:11:33,554 --> 00:11:36,422
I can't be anyone's
boyfriend, Robin.
302
00:11:36,423 --> 00:11:38,691
If I got serious with Nora,
it would be like
303
00:11:38,692 --> 00:11:40,593
if Mother Teresa focused
all her attention on
304
00:11:40,594 --> 00:11:42,695
one really hot orphan.
305
00:11:42,696 --> 00:11:46,232
With great penis
comes great responsibility.
306
00:11:46,233 --> 00:11:49,736
Okay, Mother Teresa,
307
00:11:49,737 --> 00:11:51,104
throw me one.
308
00:11:51,105 --> 00:11:52,505
Sorry?
309
00:11:52,506 --> 00:11:54,707
I would like it
if you threw me one.
310
00:11:54,708 --> 00:11:56,342
Fastball, right down the middle.
311
00:11:56,343 --> 00:11:59,612
Actually, if I recall correctly,
a slight curve.
312
00:11:59,613 --> 00:12:01,948
Careful, Robin, I'll do it.
313
00:12:01,949 --> 00:12:03,750
Oh, I don't think you will.
Hmm.
314
00:12:03,751 --> 00:12:06,219
Because you don't want to
screw things up with Nora.
315
00:12:06,220 --> 00:12:07,387
Hey, prove me wrong.
316
00:12:07,388 --> 00:12:09,055
Tomorrow night, my place.
317
00:12:09,056 --> 00:12:10,623
Don't poke the dragon, Robin,
318
00:12:10,624 --> 00:12:13,760
'cause the dragon
will poke you back.
319
00:12:18,449 --> 00:12:20,366
Sex now, we'll do
the foreplay after.
320
00:12:20,367 --> 00:12:21,768
Oh, no, baby,
come on.
321
00:12:21,769 --> 00:12:24,137
Today didn't go so well.
322
00:12:24,138 --> 00:12:26,339
The green initiative,
323
00:12:26,340 --> 00:12:28,241
for only $12 million,
will change the way...
324
00:12:28,242 --> 00:12:29,375
Okay, I've heard enough.
325
00:12:29,376 --> 00:12:31,844
Don't we already have
a green initiative?
326
00:12:31,845 --> 00:12:34,113
I mean,
didn't we do a whole thing?
327
00:12:34,114 --> 00:12:36,482
Hang a banner, make a video,
Sting was there.
328
00:12:36,483 --> 00:12:37,884
I thought I met Sting.
329
00:12:37,885 --> 00:12:38,918
You did meet Sting.
330
00:12:38,919 --> 00:12:40,169
Yeah, I met Sting.
331
00:12:40,170 --> 00:12:42,805
So why on Earth would we spend
another $12 million?
332
00:12:42,806 --> 00:12:44,590
Well, because we can
always do more.
333
00:12:44,591 --> 00:12:46,559
Yeah, but I met Sting.
334
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,395
Well, meeting Sting isn't gonna
fix anything, Arthur!
335
00:12:49,396 --> 00:12:53,099
(sighs) Who here supports
Eriksen's proposal?
336
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:57,170
Well, he has some good points.
337
00:12:57,171 --> 00:12:58,371
Meeker, you're fired!
338
00:12:58,372 --> 00:13:01,574
And as for you, Eriksen...
His father just died.
339
00:13:01,575 --> 00:13:03,409
(sighs)...nice presentation.
340
00:13:03,410 --> 00:13:05,278
We'll keep it under advisement.
341
00:13:06,413 --> 00:13:08,281
Meeker got fired
because of me.
342
00:13:08,282 --> 00:13:10,116
I'm the bad guy.
343
00:13:10,117 --> 00:13:12,285
No, sweetie,
just-just put all that
344
00:13:12,286 --> 00:13:14,620
out of your mind and relax.
345
00:13:14,621 --> 00:13:19,325
Look, I got you a six-pack
of tall boys from the deli.
346
00:13:19,326 --> 00:13:21,844
(both moan softly)
347
00:13:27,234 --> 00:13:28,534
Hey, baby.
Yeah?
348
00:13:28,535 --> 00:13:30,503
(clears throat) What happened
to the plastic rings
349
00:13:30,504 --> 00:13:32,505
that held the six-pack together?
350
00:13:32,506 --> 00:13:34,307
Oh, I-I don't know.
351
00:13:34,308 --> 00:13:36,008
I threw them down
the garbage chute.
352
00:13:36,009 --> 00:13:37,193
Let's just use
the handcuffs instead.
353
00:13:37,194 --> 00:13:39,679
Baby, birds can get
caught in those
354
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,914
and then they dwown in
a sea of wubbish!
355
00:13:41,915 --> 00:13:43,082
Weren't you listening?
356
00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:44,917
Don't you care
about Garbage Island?
357
00:13:44,918 --> 00:13:46,753
Marshall, right now,
I don't give a wat's ass
358
00:13:46,754 --> 00:13:47,720
about Garbage Island.
359
00:13:47,721 --> 00:13:49,322
Well, I do.
360
00:13:49,323 --> 00:13:51,124
I got to find those rings!
361
00:13:53,660 --> 00:13:56,029
Cwap.
362
00:13:56,030 --> 00:13:58,498
Hi, I'm here
to pick up...
363
00:13:58,499 --> 00:13:59,832
Hello, Ted.
364
00:13:59,833 --> 00:14:01,000
To the study?
365
00:14:01,001 --> 00:14:03,236
To the study!
Mmm.
366
00:14:04,555 --> 00:14:06,222
Ted...
367
00:14:08,375 --> 00:14:10,243
I know.
368
00:14:10,244 --> 00:14:11,911
Know what?
369
00:14:11,912 --> 00:14:13,746
I know who stole my Zoey.
370
00:14:13,747 --> 00:14:16,382
No man likes to be betrayed,
371
00:14:16,383 --> 00:14:18,051
especially by a friend.
372
00:14:18,052 --> 00:14:19,986
You can imagine then
373
00:14:19,987 --> 00:14:22,755
how painful it was
when I learned that the name
374
00:14:22,756 --> 00:14:23,990
of my betrayer is...
375
00:14:23,991 --> 00:14:27,160
Ted...
376
00:14:27,161 --> 00:14:29,445
when I tell you
who it is, you're gonna...
377
00:14:29,446 --> 00:14:31,798
(makes explosion sound)
378
00:14:32,766 --> 00:14:34,300
It's my doorman!
379
00:14:36,003 --> 00:14:38,037
That son of a bitch!
380
00:14:42,491 --> 00:14:44,292
You think Zoey's sleeping
with the doorman?
381
00:14:44,293 --> 00:14:47,929
He always winks and tips his hat
when he sees her.
382
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:49,747
I know how these things work.
383
00:14:49,748 --> 00:14:50,865
He holds her package,
384
00:14:50,866 --> 00:14:52,533
and pretty soon,
she's holding his.
385
00:14:52,534 --> 00:14:53,501
And then there's
386
00:14:53,502 --> 00:14:55,269
his glorious mustache.
387
00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:56,871
I will have him fired for this!
388
00:14:56,872 --> 00:14:59,073
No, no, no,
you can't fire him.
389
00:14:59,074 --> 00:15:00,541
You're right.
390
00:15:02,511 --> 00:15:05,880
Maritime protocol demands
physical retribution!
391
00:15:05,881 --> 00:15:07,015
Oh, my God! No, no!
392
00:15:07,016 --> 00:15:08,766
No physical retribution!
Stop!
393
00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:11,152
Who is this flower child,
and what has he done
394
00:15:11,153 --> 00:15:13,021
with my lionhearted friend
Ted Mosby?!
395
00:15:13,022 --> 00:15:14,856
Look, look, yes, yes,
396
00:15:14,857 --> 00:15:16,624
the doorman is a scoundrel.
397
00:15:16,625 --> 00:15:18,276
The mustache alone
gives that away.
398
00:15:18,277 --> 00:15:21,279
He's a rake, a rogue,
a rapscallion!
399
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,931
Whoa, "rapscallion" may be going
a bit far, Ted.
400
00:15:23,932 --> 00:15:25,867
But it's not his fault, okay?
401
00:15:25,868 --> 00:15:27,402
It's nobody's fault.
402
00:15:27,403 --> 00:15:28,736
You and Zoey
403
00:15:28,737 --> 00:15:30,138
have nothing in common.
404
00:15:30,139 --> 00:15:32,140
For God's sake, Captain,
she hates boats!
405
00:15:32,141 --> 00:15:33,341
You're just
406
00:15:33,342 --> 00:15:34,575
not right for each other.
407
00:15:34,576 --> 00:15:37,211
Look, I know it's tough to face,
but I'm sure
408
00:15:37,212 --> 00:15:39,881
a small part of you
has always known that.
409
00:15:42,251 --> 00:15:44,652
(sighs)
410
00:15:44,653 --> 00:15:46,888
Why couldn't she
just like boats?
411
00:15:47,790 --> 00:15:50,258
Just to have
one thing in common?
412
00:15:50,259 --> 00:15:52,060
Other girls like boats,
don't they?
413
00:15:52,061 --> 00:15:53,928
Of course they do.
414
00:15:53,929 --> 00:15:56,564
And you'll find one.
415
00:15:56,565 --> 00:15:58,332
And you'll be much happier
with her
416
00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:00,234
than you ever were with Zoey.
417
00:16:01,970 --> 00:16:03,871
When you put it that way,
418
00:16:03,872 --> 00:16:06,274
I should almost
thank the doorman.
419
00:16:06,275 --> 00:16:09,110
Yeah, yeah!
420
00:16:09,111 --> 00:16:13,314
And, you know, since,
since it doesn't really matter
421
00:16:13,315 --> 00:16:15,016
who Zoey's dating now...
422
00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:16,450
It doesn't, it really doesn't.
423
00:16:16,451 --> 00:16:17,685
It doesn't.
424
00:16:18,554 --> 00:16:20,822
It's me. You're welcome.
425
00:16:29,698 --> 00:16:31,566
Okay, baby, what gives?
426
00:16:31,567 --> 00:16:34,268
I'm sorry, but neither of us
are getting any action
427
00:16:34,269 --> 00:16:36,237
until I find those rings.
428
00:16:37,573 --> 00:16:40,141
I hope this doesn't
make me look desperate.
429
00:16:43,862 --> 00:16:44,996
All right, Robin,
430
00:16:44,997 --> 00:16:46,280
give it to me.
431
00:16:46,281 --> 00:16:49,150
Damn it, Barney,
you failed my test!
432
00:16:49,151 --> 00:16:51,219
You know,
I- I try to root for you.
433
00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:52,453
Even as your ex-girlfriend,
434
00:16:52,454 --> 00:16:54,122
when you meet someone,
I'm like,
435
00:16:54,123 --> 00:16:55,757
"Yeah, Barney, go get her!"
436
00:16:55,758 --> 00:16:57,592
But you know what?
Just forget it.
437
00:16:57,593 --> 00:17:00,494
You're never gonna change.
I'm done trying to help you.
438
00:17:01,713 --> 00:17:03,765
The number.
439
00:17:03,766 --> 00:17:07,602
Give me the number,
'cause I really can't tell...
440
00:17:09,104 --> 00:17:11,372
Is that a seven or a nine?
441
00:17:11,373 --> 00:17:12,640
It's a five, idiot.
442
00:17:12,641 --> 00:17:15,877
A fi...? In what moon man
language is that a five?
443
00:17:15,878 --> 00:17:17,945
"Moon man language"?
What does that even mean?
444
00:17:17,946 --> 00:17:19,947
How am I supposed
to see that's a five?
445
00:17:19,948 --> 00:17:22,016
Look how you taped this
up... Fine, fine, fine.
446
00:17:22,017 --> 00:17:24,351
I have a phone call to make.
447
00:17:26,054 --> 00:17:27,221
Barney.
448
00:17:28,390 --> 00:17:29,690
Go get her.
449
00:17:32,861 --> 00:17:34,262
Listen, Zoey,
450
00:17:34,263 --> 00:17:36,731
I need to ask you something.
451
00:17:36,732 --> 00:17:38,432
Did I steal you?
452
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:41,002
Well... yeah.
453
00:17:41,003 --> 00:17:42,603
You did.
454
00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:44,005
By being the kind of
455
00:17:44,006 --> 00:17:46,974
sweet, thoughtful guy
who'd never even think
456
00:17:46,975 --> 00:17:50,044
of stealing someone,
you stole me.
457
00:17:50,045 --> 00:17:52,280
So I'm the bad guy.
458
00:17:52,281 --> 00:17:54,248
Great.
459
00:17:54,249 --> 00:17:56,184
Well, the story isn't over, Ted.
460
00:17:56,185 --> 00:17:58,519
It'll be years before we know
who's the good guy
461
00:17:58,520 --> 00:17:59,987
and who's the bad guy.
462
00:17:59,988 --> 00:18:01,756
I mean, yes,
463
00:18:01,757 --> 00:18:03,407
divorce sucks,
464
00:18:03,408 --> 00:18:07,562
but sometimes
things need to fall apart
465
00:18:07,563 --> 00:18:09,730
to make way for better things.
466
00:18:09,731 --> 00:18:12,733
If you say so.
467
00:18:12,734 --> 00:18:15,703
I'm just saying,
the eggs are already broken.
468
00:18:15,704 --> 00:18:18,506
Let's make sure we get
a pretty good omelet out of it.
469
00:18:19,341 --> 00:18:21,575
Okay, Marshall,
470
00:18:21,576 --> 00:18:24,445
seriously, what's going on?
471
00:18:26,381 --> 00:18:29,417
He'll never get to see
how I turn out.
472
00:18:29,418 --> 00:18:31,085
What do you mean?
473
00:18:31,086 --> 00:18:32,887
My dad. You know,
474
00:18:32,888 --> 00:18:35,256
I used to, um,
I used to always tell him
475
00:18:35,257 --> 00:18:36,958
that I was gonna be
an environmental lawyer.
476
00:18:36,959 --> 00:18:39,193
And he was always
so proud of me for that.
477
00:18:39,194 --> 00:18:40,461
But he never
478
00:18:40,462 --> 00:18:43,364
got to see the version of me
that was anything but
479
00:18:43,365 --> 00:18:45,299
a corporate stooge.
480
00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:46,968
And now it's too late.
481
00:18:46,969 --> 00:18:50,438
And we're starting a family,
you know.
482
00:18:50,439 --> 00:18:52,740
Are you avoiding
sleeping with me
483
00:18:52,741 --> 00:18:54,942
'cause you don't want
to start a family?
484
00:18:54,943 --> 00:18:58,646
Lily, if we have a baby
right now,
485
00:18:58,647 --> 00:19:02,350
that is just it for me.
486
00:19:03,151 --> 00:19:04,685
The cement will dry,
487
00:19:04,686 --> 00:19:08,256
and I will be stuck
at GNB forever.
488
00:19:08,257 --> 00:19:10,291
Marshall,
489
00:19:10,292 --> 00:19:13,694
if you want to quit your job and
go work for the NRDC right now,
490
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:16,297
then you need
to do that right now.
491
00:19:16,298 --> 00:19:17,565
And then,
492
00:19:17,566 --> 00:19:19,901
once you've cleaned up
all the oceans
493
00:19:19,902 --> 00:19:22,103
and saved the planet--
494
00:19:22,104 --> 00:19:26,140
you know, like, a year from
now-- then we'll start a family.
495
00:19:26,141 --> 00:19:28,142
I don't know.
496
00:19:28,143 --> 00:19:31,145
So far, in the name of
saving the planet,
497
00:19:31,146 --> 00:19:34,582
I've ruined your night,
I practically broke Wendy's back
498
00:19:34,583 --> 00:19:36,384
and I got Meeker fired.
499
00:19:36,385 --> 00:19:37,852
The guy must hate me.
500
00:19:37,853 --> 00:19:39,387
Meeker doesn't hate you.
501
00:19:39,388 --> 00:19:41,589
NARRATOR: Oh, Meeker
hated him, all right.
502
00:19:41,590 --> 00:19:44,709
After all, Marshall was the one
who got him fired.
503
00:19:44,710 --> 00:19:46,594
Meeker knew we all hung out
at MacLaren's.
504
00:19:46,595 --> 00:19:48,963
So that night, he went there
to confront Marshall.
505
00:19:48,964 --> 00:19:50,798
But as luck would have it...
506
00:19:50,799 --> 00:19:53,434
Are you guys...?
Closed. Sorry.
507
00:19:57,222 --> 00:19:58,606
Thanks.
508
00:19:58,607 --> 00:20:00,274
Rough night?
509
00:20:00,275 --> 00:20:02,376
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
510
00:20:02,377 --> 00:20:05,613
It's not your fault.
It's no one's fault.
511
00:20:05,614 --> 00:20:07,281
Except for Marshall Eriksen.
512
00:20:07,282 --> 00:20:08,950
What did you just say?
513
00:20:08,951 --> 00:20:12,653
Uh, I said
it's Marshall Eriksen's fault.
514
00:20:12,654 --> 00:20:13,955
Why, do you know him?
515
00:20:13,956 --> 00:20:16,724
Know him? I hate that guy.
516
00:20:16,725 --> 00:20:18,359
Me, too.
517
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:20,161
Well, hey.
(chuckles)
518
00:20:20,162 --> 00:20:23,698
And the rest, as they say...
519
00:20:23,699 --> 00:20:25,066
...is history.
520
00:20:25,067 --> 00:20:26,634
And three kids later,
521
00:20:26,635 --> 00:20:29,370
we decided to come here
on our second honeymoon.
522
00:20:29,371 --> 00:20:31,222
Wow.
523
00:20:31,223 --> 00:20:33,107
That's a pretty good omelet.
524
00:20:33,108 --> 00:20:34,942
Oh, and hey,
what about you?
525
00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:35,977
You still with Zoey?
526
00:20:35,978 --> 00:20:39,680
No, no, no.
Wow, that did not end well.
527
00:20:39,681 --> 00:20:40,765
But it's all
for the best,
528
00:20:40,766 --> 00:20:42,016
'cause now I'm married to
529
00:20:42,017 --> 00:20:43,768
an amazing girl,
we have two kids.
530
00:20:43,769 --> 00:20:46,253
It's actually a funny story
of how we met.
531
00:20:46,254 --> 00:20:48,990
I was a best man
at this wedding...
532
00:20:48,991 --> 00:20:51,959
Listen, Ted, it's great
seeing you, but we got to run.
533
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:55,196
Okay, well, have a safe trip.
It was great seeing you.
534
00:21:01,103 --> 00:21:02,803
Hello.
Marshall.
535
00:21:02,804 --> 00:21:03,904
Hey, Ted.
536
00:21:03,905 --> 00:21:07,508
Hey. You will not believe
who I just ran into.
537
00:21:07,509 --> 00:25:08,709
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