1
00:00:00,900 --> 00:00:03,200
So, this chick and
I are going at it
2
00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:04,787
behind the Central Park Zoo.
3
00:00:04,788 --> 00:00:07,924
The Bonobo chimps start
giving us a standing O,
4
00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:10,293
and just when I'm about to
give her the same thing...
5
00:00:10,294 --> 00:00:13,196
What up?... I...
6
00:00:13,197 --> 00:00:15,364
I can't.
7
00:00:15,365 --> 00:00:16,966
I just... I can't.
8
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:20,420
Guys, I know you count the
minutes until you can escape
9
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:23,306
from your humdrum lives by
hearing how awesome mine is,
10
00:00:23,307 --> 00:00:27,727
and I love doing that for you,
but I just can't tonight.
11
00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:30,763
- What's wrong?
- I don't want to talk about it.
12
00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:33,166
Okay. Hey, you guys see
Deadliest Catch last night?
13
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,167
Did I ever!
14
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:35,318
Deadliest Catch ever!
15
00:00:35,319 --> 00:00:36,769
All right, I'll tell you!
16
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:40,673
My mother is selling
the house I grew up in.
17
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:43,810
All of my childhood memories
gone, just like that!
18
00:00:43,811 --> 00:00:45,028
That sucks.
19
00:00:45,029 --> 00:00:46,446
I've been there, buddy.
20
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:47,898
What are you talking about?
21
00:00:47,899 --> 00:00:49,549
Your mother still lives in
the house you grew up in.
22
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,401
With her new hippie
husband, Clint.
23
00:00:51,402 --> 00:00:53,236
The comfort of home is
a little ruined
24
00:00:53,237 --> 00:00:54,905
when someone turns
your old room
25
00:00:54,906 --> 00:00:57,991
into what I'm pretty sure is
a Tantric sex temple.
26
00:00:57,992 --> 00:01:00,043
With all the bamboo,
pot smoke and '60s music,
27
00:01:00,044 --> 00:01:02,278
it's like my old G.I. Joes
are frozen in
28
00:01:02,279 --> 00:01:03,947
some weird
Vietnam flashback.
29
00:01:03,948 --> 00:01:06,783
Anyway, I need you guys
to come out
30
00:01:06,784 --> 00:01:10,119
to Staten Island on Saturday
and help box everything up.
31
00:01:11,389 --> 00:01:14,290
You expect us
to spend a whole day
32
00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:15,542
packing up your
mom's house?
33
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:16,760
Of course not.
34
00:01:16,761 --> 00:01:18,395
It's a two-day job.
35
00:01:18,396 --> 00:01:19,429
Pass.
36
00:01:19,430 --> 00:01:20,513
Same.
37
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,482
Unsubscribe.
38
00:01:24,769 --> 00:01:26,469
You guys are adorable.
39
00:01:26,470 --> 00:01:28,371
You seriously believe
that I, Barney Stinson,
40
00:01:28,372 --> 00:01:29,956
can't talk you into this?
41
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:32,158
I got the Queen
to give me a fist bump.
42
00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:33,660
No one believes
that story.
43
00:01:34,612 --> 00:01:36,579
You may be able to talk
the brain surgeons
44
00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:38,147
you pick up into doing
whatever you want,
45
00:01:38,148 --> 00:01:40,250
but it's not gonna work on us.
46
00:01:47,792 --> 00:01:50,660
How did he do that?
47
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:03,000
Sync by fant0m
www.addic7ed.com
48
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,660
So there we were helping
Barney pack up his childhood home.
49
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,045
Whoa, Ted, that thing
you're packing is
50
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,779
way too big to fit
in that box.
51
00:02:10,780 --> 00:02:11,881
Yeah, that's what your mom said.
52
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:13,799
How dare you!
53
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,818
No, she actually said that.
54
00:02:15,819 --> 00:02:17,403
Oh, dear, I thought I told you,
55
00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:19,155
that's just not going
to fit in there.
56
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:22,458
Someone order something tall,
dark and awesome?
57
00:02:22,459 --> 00:02:24,377
- James!
- Bro!
58
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,296
- How you doing?
- Hey!
59
00:02:27,331 --> 00:02:28,598
- Oh, my goodness!
- Mama.
60
00:02:28,599 --> 00:02:30,499
Look at my two sons.
61
00:02:30,500 --> 00:02:32,352
So big and strong
and handsome.
62
00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:33,636
Mom.
63
00:02:33,637 --> 00:02:35,305
Stop.
64
00:02:35,306 --> 00:02:36,773
And how is my delicious
little grandson?
65
00:02:36,774 --> 00:02:38,007
Oh, did he get
the clothes I sent him?
66
00:02:38,008 --> 00:02:40,143
Check it. Huh?
67
00:02:41,645 --> 00:02:43,313
How cute is
that, right?
68
00:02:43,314 --> 00:02:45,698
When was the last time
you saw a diaper poking out
69
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,533
of a Dolce and Gabana suit?
70
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:49,585
Tuesday at work.
71
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,854
Some of the senior partners
are really getting up there.
72
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,874
So, Ted,
73
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,542
yesterday at work,
I totally talked you up
74
00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:58,378
to that super-hot
makeup girl, Liz.
75
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,213
Oh yeah? Mm-hmm. What did you say?
76
00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:02,081
Oh, you know,
how funny you are...
77
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:03,416
Guilty.
Handsome.
78
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:04,834
Who, me?
79
00:03:04,835 --> 00:03:06,002
Incredible lover.
80
00:03:06,003 --> 00:03:07,303
Really?
Oh, yeah.
81
00:03:07,304 --> 00:03:09,205
Oh, yeah. I was all like,
82
00:03:09,206 --> 00:03:12,141
"He knows a woman's body better
than she knows her own,
83
00:03:12,142 --> 00:03:15,678
"endless waves of pleasure
just cresting and breaking
84
00:03:15,679 --> 00:03:17,713
for hours and hours..."
Blah, blah, blah.
85
00:03:17,714 --> 00:03:20,900
"Orgasms so intense
that you just black out."
86
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,402
All that stuff.
87
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:26,322
Robin, how can I possibly live
up to that review?
88
00:03:26,323 --> 00:03:28,107
What? You know what
you're doing down there.
89
00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:31,244
Oh, Teddy Westside can bring it.
We know this.
90
00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:33,162
But that is not the point.
91
00:03:33,163 --> 00:03:34,614
I mean, you broke
the first rule
92
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,949
of setting people up:
undersell.
93
00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:39,252
It's like, if someone's
never seen The Karate Kid,
94
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,404
you don't say,
"It's the greatest movie ever."
95
00:03:41,405 --> 00:03:42,955
You say, "Uh, it's pretty good""
96
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,208
And then they see it,
it blows their freakin' mind.
97
00:03:45,209 --> 00:03:48,294
Because Cobra Kai sensei's
all like, "Sweep the leg!"
98
00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:49,679
And Daniel-san's all like...
99
00:03:59,556 --> 00:04:01,757
Maybe I did oversell you a bit.
100
00:04:01,758 --> 00:04:04,777
Thank you guys so much for
helping us out with this stuff.
101
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:05,978
Oh, it gives us
102
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:08,597
a rare insight into the
makings of Barney Stinson.
103
00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:10,766
Like, look at this.
104
00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,486
Who was a cute
little basketball player
105
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:16,605
before he became the biggest
pervert in the world?
106
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:19,375
I loved Pee Wee basketball.
107
00:04:19,376 --> 00:04:22,078
Well, until they
kicked me off the team...
108
00:04:22,079 --> 00:04:23,796
I was so awesome,
109
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,047
the coach asked me to quit
110
00:04:25,048 --> 00:04:27,800
because it wasn't fair
to the other kids.
111
00:04:31,955 --> 00:04:33,956
That sounds plausible.
112
00:04:33,957 --> 00:04:35,258
Hey. It's true.
113
00:04:35,259 --> 00:04:36,976
Tell him, James.
114
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,479
Oh, yeah, he had, like, a
four-foot vertical leap.
115
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,813
He would hit it
from the outside,
116
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,231
hit it from
the inside...
117
00:04:42,232 --> 00:04:43,266
He sucked.
118
00:04:43,267 --> 00:04:44,600
Coach cut him from the team,
119
00:04:44,601 --> 00:04:46,569
and Mom fed him that story
so he'd feel better.
120
00:04:46,570 --> 00:04:48,821
Oh, my God!
Look at this.
121
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:51,807
My letter from
the Postmaster General.
122
00:04:51,808 --> 00:04:53,426
I still can't believe
he took the time
123
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,527
to write this...
124
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:57,046
"Dear Barney..."
125
00:04:57,047 --> 00:05:00,583
I sincerely apologize
about losing all the invitations
126
00:05:00,584 --> 00:05:03,419
you sent out to your
eighth birthday party.
127
00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:06,506
That's why none of your
classmates showed up.
128
00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:09,158
Not because you threw up
129
00:05:09,159 --> 00:05:11,994
when they turned the lights off
at the Planetarium.
130
00:05:11,995 --> 00:05:14,147
No one even noticed that.
131
00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:19,001
Also, Janey Masterson's
mother is a whore,
132
00:05:19,002 --> 00:05:22,321
and with gin on her breath
at 10:00 in the morning,
133
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:26,125
she's got some nerve kicking us
out of the carpool.
134
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:31,981
Love,
Postmaster General.
135
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,368
Thank you.
136
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:37,904
Does your mom make stuff
like that up a lot?
137
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,740
Constantly. I mean,
she put more effort
138
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,375
into some lies than others.
139
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,410
Mom? Who's my dad?
140
00:05:44,411 --> 00:05:47,079
All the other kids at school
know who their dad is.
141
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,798
Who's mine?
142
00:05:48,799 --> 00:05:51,767
Oh, I don't know...
143
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:54,036
That guy.
144
00:05:55,138 --> 00:05:57,673
Did she tell you that Bob
Barker was your dad, too?
145
00:05:57,674 --> 00:06:00,142
No. No, no.
I heard Flip Wilson,
146
00:06:00,143 --> 00:06:03,379
Bill Cosby, James Earl Jones,
147
00:06:03,380 --> 00:06:04,981
Meadowlark Lemon...
148
00:06:04,982 --> 00:06:06,933
The list goes on.
149
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,936
I still can't get a straight
answer about who my real dad is.
150
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:11,320
And Barney's no help.
151
00:06:11,321 --> 00:06:14,774
He still believes every lie
that my mom told us growing up.
152
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,776
Not me.
I caught on early.
153
00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:18,327
Careful!
154
00:06:18,328 --> 00:06:20,530
Michael Jackson sent me
this glove for my tenth...
155
00:06:20,531 --> 00:06:22,999
Damn.
156
00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:28,904
Loretta really lied
a lot to her kids.
157
00:06:28,905 --> 00:06:30,006
Well, she's not alone.
158
00:06:30,007 --> 00:06:31,958
Whenever Marshall
was acting too hyper,
159
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:34,293
his mom would suddenly decide
he was "sick"
160
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:37,246
and give him cough medicine
until he passed out.
161
00:06:37,247 --> 00:06:38,681
I'm pretty sure
162
00:06:38,682 --> 00:06:40,082
that's what
stunted my growth.
163
00:06:40,083 --> 00:06:43,185
I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade,
and then I just stopped.
164
00:06:43,186 --> 00:06:45,471
And then there's
the most popular
165
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:47,440
parental lie in history.
166
00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:48,724
Santa.
167
00:06:48,725 --> 00:06:50,443
Yeah, but that's
a good lie.
168
00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:53,112
Like when we tell Ted he'll meet
the right girl and settle down.
169
00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:54,763
I always find
that reassuring.
170
00:06:54,764 --> 00:06:56,032
You will meet
her, buddy.
171
00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:58,284
You think so?
Yeah!
172
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:02,955
Santa's still a lie, and
I'm not lying to our kids.
173
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,657
Baby, it's Santa.
174
00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,325
Don't you want our
kids going to sleep
175
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:09,328
on Christmas Eve with their
hearts full of hope,
176
00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:11,831
their heads full of crazy
cough syrup nightmares,
177
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:13,115
knowing that downstairs
178
00:07:13,116 --> 00:07:15,885
Kris Kringle is stuffing their
stockings full of joy
179
00:07:15,886 --> 00:07:18,220
and stuffing his
belly full of milk
180
00:07:18,221 --> 00:07:19,639
and lutefisk that they left him?
181
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:20,840
Milk and lutefisk?
182
00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:23,009
Santa doesn't get cookies
in Minnesota?
183
00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:25,895
Yeah, that's just what Santa
needs at 3:00 a.m.
184
00:07:25,896 --> 00:07:27,680
when he's battling a snowstorm
over the Rockies:
185
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,933
a sugar crash. No.
Santa needs protein.
186
00:07:30,934 --> 00:07:31,984
I'm not lying to our kids.
187
00:07:33,803 --> 00:07:34,854
Valentines.
188
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,739
The second base
of third grade.
189
00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:40,409
I always got a Valentine from
every single girl in my class.
190
00:07:40,410 --> 00:07:44,146
Funny how all these girls have
the exact same handwriting
191
00:07:44,147 --> 00:07:47,750
as the Postmaster
General, Mom, and...
192
00:07:47,751 --> 00:07:51,170
home run king,
Frank Aaron.
193
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,339
Yeah, school girls...
194
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,991
The more they ignore you,
pretend to hate your guts,
195
00:07:55,992 --> 00:07:58,094
lock you in the coatroom
over winter break,
196
00:07:58,095 --> 00:08:00,513
the more they
secretly like you.
197
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:03,799
This isn't...
198
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,051
Who's Sam Gibbs?
199
00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,519
No idea. Why?
200
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,938
Mom addressed this
and never sent it.
201
00:08:08,939 --> 00:08:10,640
What's in it?
202
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,981
It's a picture of you and me
when we were little kids.
203
00:08:20,450 --> 00:08:22,851
On the back, Mom wrote...
204
00:08:22,852 --> 00:08:24,704
"Your son."
205
00:08:29,537 --> 00:08:31,304
Okay, everyone,
lunch is ready.
206
00:08:31,305 --> 00:08:32,922
Who wants Sloppy Joes?
207
00:08:32,923 --> 00:08:35,291
Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?
208
00:08:36,459 --> 00:08:37,960
That doesn't sound familiar.
209
00:08:37,961 --> 00:08:39,896
Who wants Sloppy Joes?
210
00:08:39,897 --> 00:08:41,147
There's a picture
of me and Barney
211
00:08:41,148 --> 00:08:42,348
in an envelope
addressed to him.
212
00:08:42,349 --> 00:08:44,350
And you wrote "your
son" on the back.
213
00:08:44,351 --> 00:08:45,852
Oh, no, that...
214
00:08:45,853 --> 00:08:47,854
It says "Yourson."
215
00:08:47,855 --> 00:08:49,522
For Yourson,
North Dakota.
216
00:08:49,523 --> 00:08:51,858
That's where we took the
picture. Lovely town.
217
00:08:51,859 --> 00:08:54,694
We went kayaking, and you two
rescued the mayor's dog
218
00:08:54,695 --> 00:08:56,279
which had wandered
into the rapids.
219
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,531
That mayor, Sam Gibbs,
220
00:08:58,532 --> 00:08:59,949
asked for your
picture so the city
221
00:08:59,950 --> 00:09:01,501
could make statues
of you both.
222
00:09:01,502 --> 00:09:03,920
I guess I never sent it.
That's embarrassing.
223
00:09:03,921 --> 00:09:07,340
Now, how about
those Sloppy Joes?
224
00:09:07,341 --> 00:09:09,225
If this picture was
taken in North Dakota,
225
00:09:09,226 --> 00:09:11,644
then why is our old swing
set in the background?
226
00:09:11,645 --> 00:09:13,629
I don't know!
227
00:09:13,630 --> 00:09:15,965
I did my best
as a single parent,
228
00:09:15,966 --> 00:09:17,016
and it wasn't always easy,
229
00:09:17,017 --> 00:09:19,168
and I'd recommend
putting the coleslaw
230
00:09:19,169 --> 00:09:22,772
right on top of the Sloppy Joe,
because it's delicious that way!
231
00:09:25,392 --> 00:09:27,393
Can you believe her?
232
00:09:27,394 --> 00:09:29,395
I know.
233
00:09:29,396 --> 00:09:31,397
Forgetting to
send the photo.
234
00:09:31,398 --> 00:09:33,349
That poor sculptor had
to work from memory.
235
00:09:33,350 --> 00:09:34,984
Those statues probably
look nothing like us.
236
00:09:34,985 --> 00:09:36,552
Damn it, Mom!
237
00:09:38,038 --> 00:09:39,121
So, Ted?
238
00:09:39,122 --> 00:09:40,289
You were worried
239
00:09:40,290 --> 00:09:43,025
that I oversold you
to Liz. Well, I fixed it.
240
00:09:43,026 --> 00:09:45,294
How?
I sent her another email.
241
00:09:45,295 --> 00:09:47,496
"Dear Liz. I hope
it didn't sound
242
00:09:47,497 --> 00:09:49,048
"like I was trying
to oversell Ted.
243
00:09:49,049 --> 00:09:52,335
"The truth is, he is a genuinely
nice, down to earth guy,
244
00:09:52,336 --> 00:09:54,804
and I think you two
would really hit it off."
245
00:09:54,805 --> 00:09:56,172
Thank you. Thank you.
That's perfect.
246
00:09:56,173 --> 00:09:57,706
That totally takes
the pressure...
247
00:09:57,707 --> 00:10:00,009
"Is he going to rock
your world in bed? No.
248
00:10:00,010 --> 00:10:01,394
"But he's clean,
249
00:10:01,395 --> 00:10:05,147
"open to criticism, and not
into anything too weird.
250
00:10:05,148 --> 00:10:07,099
"He's not bad at all.
251
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,768
Not bad at all."
252
00:10:08,769 --> 00:10:10,353
See, now you went too
far in the other...
253
00:10:10,354 --> 00:10:11,887
"I'll be honest.
The first few times
254
00:10:11,888 --> 00:10:13,155
"aren't going
to be that great.
255
00:10:13,156 --> 00:10:14,857
"He's going to say
'Are you finished?'
256
00:10:14,858 --> 00:10:16,526
more times than a waiter
in a busy restaurant."
257
00:10:16,527 --> 00:10:17,894
Stop!
258
00:10:17,895 --> 00:10:20,313
Listen to me. There is no
Yourson, North Dakota.
259
00:10:20,314 --> 00:10:23,099
Mom... And Sam Gibbs wasn't the mayor.
260
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,101
He might be one
of our fathers.
261
00:10:25,102 --> 00:10:27,287
Well, he's not my dad.
My dad's Bob Barker.
262
00:10:27,288 --> 00:10:29,706
Barney! You...
You've got to stop living
263
00:10:29,707 --> 00:10:31,524
in these fairy tales
that Mom told us!
264
00:10:31,525 --> 00:10:34,243
Bob Barker is not your father.
265
00:10:34,244 --> 00:10:35,828
Sam Gibbs might be,
266
00:10:35,829 --> 00:10:40,700
but Bob Barker is absolutely,
unequivocally not your father.
267
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,221
I suppose you have a problem
with the Easter Bunny, too.
268
00:10:45,222 --> 00:10:46,639
Not now.
269
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,208
This address
isn't too far.
270
00:10:49,209 --> 00:10:51,060
Are you coming
with me, or not?
271
00:10:52,479 --> 00:10:54,097
So we're doing this?
272
00:10:54,098 --> 00:10:55,131
We're really going
to go disturb
273
00:10:55,132 --> 00:10:57,400
the peaceful
Long Island retirement
274
00:10:57,401 --> 00:11:00,302
of the former mayor
of Yourson, North Dakota
275
00:11:00,303 --> 00:11:01,304
on a Sunday afternoon?
276
00:11:01,305 --> 00:11:03,022
Real classy, James.
Real classy.
277
00:11:03,023 --> 00:11:04,941
You're just too scared
to face the truth.
278
00:11:04,942 --> 00:11:08,077
You're living in
a dream world.
279
00:11:11,365 --> 00:11:14,167
Maybe we shouldn't have
brought these Sloppy Joes.
280
00:11:14,168 --> 00:11:17,319
Oh, what's done
is done.
281
00:11:18,505 --> 00:11:21,257
"Ted Mosby is
solid as a rock."
282
00:11:21,258 --> 00:11:23,092
No. "Dependable."
283
00:11:23,093 --> 00:11:24,510
No.
284
00:11:24,511 --> 00:11:26,179
"Rugged." No.
285
00:11:26,180 --> 00:11:28,164
Why don't I just go
to the Chevy Web site
286
00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:29,999
and copy down adjectives?
287
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,285
I just want to hit that
perfect middle ground.
288
00:11:32,286 --> 00:11:35,271
How about we just go
wildly to both extremes
289
00:11:35,272 --> 00:11:37,907
and just let them balance
each other out?
290
00:11:37,908 --> 00:11:41,093
"Ted Mosby is really handsome,
but extremely violent,
291
00:11:41,094 --> 00:11:42,194
"and really rich,
292
00:11:42,195 --> 00:11:44,830
but lacks bladder control."
293
00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:48,417
Oh, damn.
What?
294
00:11:48,418 --> 00:11:49,818
That last bump
just made me hit send.
295
00:11:49,819 --> 00:11:51,537
Oh, no.
Don't worry.
296
00:11:51,538 --> 00:11:53,756
I'm sure that everyone
will get it's a joke.
297
00:11:53,757 --> 00:11:55,675
No, they won't.
They're going to think...
298
00:11:55,676 --> 00:11:57,176
Wait. "Everyone"?
299
00:11:59,212 --> 00:12:01,681
"Really rich"?
300
00:12:05,686 --> 00:12:07,520
You ready for this?
301
00:12:07,521 --> 00:12:08,938
For what?
302
00:12:08,939 --> 00:12:11,774
I don't know who lives here,
but it's not my dad.
303
00:12:15,812 --> 00:12:17,029
Wait. Wait.
304
00:12:17,030 --> 00:12:18,514
Please, stop.
305
00:12:18,515 --> 00:12:20,950
Just... just give me
a second, okay?
306
00:12:20,951 --> 00:12:22,818
I thought you said that he... Stop.
307
00:12:22,819 --> 00:12:23,953
Come on.
308
00:12:23,954 --> 00:12:26,972
I know Bob Barker's
not really... you know.
309
00:12:26,973 --> 00:12:28,690
I'm not crazy.
310
00:12:28,691 --> 00:12:30,526
I just...
311
00:12:31,361 --> 00:12:32,795
I needed that.
312
00:12:32,796 --> 00:12:34,630
I know it
may sound stupid,
313
00:12:34,631 --> 00:12:37,083
but I didn't always feel so
great about myself growing up,
314
00:12:37,084 --> 00:12:39,719
and so having a celebrity
dad made me feel special.
315
00:12:40,721 --> 00:12:43,089
But you're right, James.
316
00:12:43,090 --> 00:12:47,343
It's time to let go
of the fantasies.
317
00:12:47,344 --> 00:12:49,378
It's time to grow up.
318
00:12:49,379 --> 00:12:50,879
Come here.
319
00:13:07,748 --> 00:13:09,548
Can I help you?
320
00:13:09,549 --> 00:13:11,567
Yeah...
321
00:13:11,568 --> 00:13:13,502
you're Sam Gibbs.
322
00:13:13,503 --> 00:13:14,754
Yes.
323
00:13:15,905 --> 00:13:17,873
I'm James Stinson,
324
00:13:17,874 --> 00:13:19,842
and, I think
325
00:13:19,843 --> 00:13:22,744
you may have known my
mother, Loretta Stinson...
326
00:13:22,745 --> 00:13:24,547
in the '70s.
327
00:13:24,548 --> 00:13:25,765
Loretta!
328
00:13:27,134 --> 00:13:28,717
Yeah.
329
00:13:28,718 --> 00:13:31,604
Yeah, I... I knew Loretta.
330
00:13:31,605 --> 00:13:35,541
My mother meant
to send you this.
331
00:13:43,533 --> 00:13:46,935
You're my son.
332
00:13:58,048 --> 00:14:00,466
God, this must be
so hard for Barney.
333
00:14:01,567 --> 00:14:02,534
Yeah, but you know what?
334
00:14:02,535 --> 00:14:04,019
He took a big
step today...
335
00:14:04,020 --> 00:14:06,371
Papa!
336
00:14:16,703 --> 00:14:18,287
Look at us!
337
00:14:18,788 --> 00:14:21,440
It's like three
of the same guy.
338
00:14:22,109 --> 00:14:23,493
Oh, my God,
this explains
339
00:14:23,494 --> 00:14:25,962
why I was always so
awesome at basketball.
340
00:14:25,963 --> 00:14:28,447
Guys, I'm black!
341
00:14:29,416 --> 00:14:31,334
Sorry. African-American.
342
00:14:31,335 --> 00:14:33,886
No. I'm allowed
to say either.
343
00:14:33,887 --> 00:14:35,671
I got to go get my camera!
344
00:14:35,672 --> 00:14:38,491
That is my younger brother,
Barney.
345
00:14:38,492 --> 00:14:41,293
He just thought he'd meet
his real dad today,
346
00:14:41,294 --> 00:14:43,396
and clearly, he's not
taking it so well.
347
00:14:43,397 --> 00:14:45,148
Oh, my head's
kind of spinning, too.
348
00:14:45,149 --> 00:14:47,600
I mean, Loretta and
I only saw each other
349
00:14:47,601 --> 00:14:49,068
for a couple of months.
350
00:14:49,069 --> 00:14:51,521
You were two before
I even knew you existed,
351
00:14:51,522 --> 00:14:52,655
and at that point,
352
00:14:52,656 --> 00:14:53,906
your mother made it very clear
353
00:14:53,907 --> 00:14:55,792
she was going to
raise you on her own.
354
00:14:55,793 --> 00:14:59,162
I felt I had to
respect her wishes, but
355
00:14:59,163 --> 00:15:01,197
I always wanted to meet you.
356
00:15:01,198 --> 00:15:02,582
Wait!
357
00:15:02,583 --> 00:15:04,534
Barney and James
are two years apart.
358
00:15:04,535 --> 00:15:07,203
If Sam only knew Loretta
for a few months,
359
00:15:07,204 --> 00:15:09,255
he couldn't possibly
be Barney's father.
360
00:15:09,256 --> 00:15:13,226
He's also quite
the detective.
361
00:15:16,163 --> 00:15:17,496
Don't worry.
We'll...
362
00:15:17,497 --> 00:15:19,932
We'll snap Barney
out of this when he gets back.
363
00:15:19,933 --> 00:15:21,467
Or, we could just
364
00:15:21,468 --> 00:15:23,186
let him have
this one.
365
00:15:23,187 --> 00:15:25,138
What? Are you kidding?
366
00:15:25,139 --> 00:15:26,689
Guys, Barney's losing
his childhood home,
367
00:15:26,690 --> 00:15:29,025
he finally admitted
Bob Barker's not his dad,
368
00:15:29,026 --> 00:15:31,527
and then he watched James
meet his real father.
369
00:15:31,528 --> 00:15:33,579
It's just a lot to go
through in one afternoon.
370
00:15:33,580 --> 00:15:36,616
Can't we just let the
guy be black for a day?
371
00:15:38,452 --> 00:15:39,902
Here, Ted.
Capture the moment!
372
00:15:39,903 --> 00:15:41,654
I think you'd need Salvador Dali
373
00:15:41,655 --> 00:15:43,456
to capture
this particular moment,
374
00:15:43,457 --> 00:15:45,007
but I'll give it a whirl.
375
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:47,577
Man...
376
00:15:47,578 --> 00:15:49,412
I thought
I was a light-skinned Caucasian,
377
00:15:49,413 --> 00:15:53,733
but in truth, I'm a really
light-skinned African-American.
378
00:15:53,734 --> 00:15:54,967
Man,
379
00:15:54,968 --> 00:15:56,869
try to hail a cab
in Manhattan.
380
00:15:56,870 --> 00:15:58,304
Am I right?
381
00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:01,007
Nope, no one's stopping
for this.
382
00:16:02,876 --> 00:16:04,927
These guys don't understand
what I'm talking about.
383
00:16:04,928 --> 00:16:08,898
During that afternoon,
Sam and James began to discover
384
00:16:08,899 --> 00:16:10,633
how much they had in common.
385
00:16:10,634 --> 00:16:15,071
* When the night has come *
386
00:16:16,273 --> 00:16:17,857
* Oh, and the land is dark *
387
00:16:17,858 --> 00:16:19,192
Come on. You know this. Come on.
388
00:16:19,193 --> 00:16:22,995
* And the moon is the
only * * The moon *
389
00:16:22,996 --> 00:16:25,047
* Light we see *
* Light we see *
390
00:16:25,048 --> 00:16:26,298
* Light we'll see *
391
00:16:26,299 --> 00:16:27,482
* Light we'll see *
392
00:16:27,483 --> 00:16:28,734
* Oh, I won't *
* Oh, I won't *
393
00:16:28,735 --> 00:16:29,735
* No, I wo-oh-on't *
394
00:16:29,736 --> 00:16:31,136
* Be afraid *
* Be afraid *
395
00:16:31,137 --> 00:16:32,171
* Hey! Ho *
396
00:16:32,172 --> 00:16:33,972
* I won't shed a tear *
397
00:16:33,973 --> 00:16:35,641
* No, I won't shed no tear *
398
00:16:35,642 --> 00:16:37,576
* Not as long *
* Not as long *
399
00:16:37,577 --> 00:16:38,944
* As you stand *
* As you stand *
400
00:16:38,945 --> 00:16:41,113
* Stand by me *
* Stand by me *
401
00:16:41,114 --> 00:16:42,481
There you go. Come on.
402
00:16:42,482 --> 00:16:44,983
* Whenever you're in trouble,
won't you stand *
403
00:16:44,984 --> 00:16:47,369
* Stand by me *
404
00:16:47,370 --> 00:16:50,122
* Stand by me, stand by me *
* Won't you stand? *
405
00:16:50,123 --> 00:16:52,391
* Won't you stand now?
Won't you stand now? Hey! *
406
00:16:52,392 --> 00:16:54,376
* Stand... *
* Stand... *
407
00:16:54,677 --> 00:16:56,261
- Weird day.
- Weird day.
408
00:16:59,465 --> 00:17:00,766
Hey, look at that!
409
00:17:00,767 --> 00:17:02,434
Liz still wants to meet you.
410
00:17:02,435 --> 00:17:03,619
That's great!
411
00:17:04,788 --> 00:17:06,038
I guess.
412
00:17:06,039 --> 00:17:07,489
Wait a minute.
413
00:17:07,490 --> 00:17:10,209
You said Liz was a total ten.
414
00:17:10,210 --> 00:17:11,744
Why would she want to meet
415
00:17:11,745 --> 00:17:13,945
the incontinent freak
show you described?
416
00:17:15,865 --> 00:17:17,500
You oversold her!
417
00:17:17,701 --> 00:17:18,984
Maybe a little.
418
00:17:18,985 --> 00:17:19,969
You said she was a ten.
419
00:17:19,970 --> 00:17:22,171
I did not specify on what scale.
420
00:17:22,172 --> 00:17:23,956
You said she looked
like a movie star.
421
00:17:23,957 --> 00:17:25,124
She does.
422
00:17:25,125 --> 00:17:26,208
It's Robert De Niro,
423
00:17:26,209 --> 00:17:28,761
but, like, super buff,
like in Cape Fear.
424
00:17:29,763 --> 00:17:32,348
Dad, look how fast
I can run!
425
00:17:32,349 --> 00:17:34,884
He's actually
a really sweet guy,
426
00:17:34,885 --> 00:17:37,136
and he's great
with my son.
427
00:17:37,137 --> 00:17:38,604
I have a grandson?
428
00:17:41,024 --> 00:17:43,192
His name's Eli.
429
00:17:47,397 --> 00:17:49,982
He's beautiful.
430
00:17:49,983 --> 00:17:52,368
Dad, you're not
looking!
431
00:17:52,369 --> 00:17:53,786
Eventually,
432
00:17:53,787 --> 00:17:56,322
the strangest afternoon
of our lives wound to a close,
433
00:17:56,323 --> 00:17:58,174
and we headed back
to Staten Island,
434
00:17:58,175 --> 00:18:00,826
where Barney and his mom had
a long overdue heart-to-heart.
435
00:18:00,827 --> 00:18:03,362
Barney?
436
00:18:03,363 --> 00:18:04,363
I need to talk to you.
437
00:18:04,364 --> 00:18:05,664
Me first.
438
00:18:05,665 --> 00:18:07,132
Mom,
439
00:18:07,133 --> 00:18:08,868
there's something
that I need to ask you,
440
00:18:08,869 --> 00:18:11,337
and I... I want you
to be honest with me.
441
00:18:14,241 --> 00:18:18,060
Why do white people
like Carrot Top?
442
00:18:23,216 --> 00:18:25,734
Listen...
443
00:18:25,735 --> 00:18:30,239
I always wanted
to be enough for you boys.
444
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,241
I think that's why
it always hurt
445
00:18:32,242 --> 00:18:34,193
whenever you asked
about your dads,
446
00:18:34,194 --> 00:18:35,661
because I was always
447
00:18:35,662 --> 00:18:38,998
trying so hard
to be both parents for you.
448
00:18:38,999 --> 00:18:41,166
But I was being selfish.
449
00:18:42,369 --> 00:18:44,903
You deserve the truth.
450
00:18:46,239 --> 00:18:48,257
So here it is.
451
00:18:48,258 --> 00:18:50,242
Sam is not your father.
452
00:18:51,077 --> 00:18:53,412
Are you sure?
453
00:18:53,413 --> 00:18:54,847
Yes.
454
00:18:54,848 --> 00:18:56,849
He's black, dear.
455
00:18:59,019 --> 00:19:03,405
But if you want, I can tell you
who your father really is.
456
00:19:04,274 --> 00:19:06,892
And at that moment,
457
00:19:06,893 --> 00:19:09,144
Barney suddenly saw
his childhood
458
00:19:09,145 --> 00:19:11,730
more clearly
than he ever had before.
459
00:19:13,867 --> 00:19:16,368
I'm sorry, but your son
can't be on the team.
460
00:19:16,369 --> 00:19:17,736
He's terrible.
461
00:19:20,957 --> 00:19:22,575
What'd Coach say, Ma?
462
00:19:22,576 --> 00:19:24,994
He said you're simply too
good to be on the team.
463
00:19:24,995 --> 00:19:27,162
It's not fair
to the other boys.
464
00:19:27,163 --> 00:19:28,581
But that's okay.
465
00:19:28,582 --> 00:19:31,283
We can just play together
in the backyard.
466
00:19:32,135 --> 00:19:34,470
Why didn't anyone come?
467
00:19:34,471 --> 00:19:36,121
Oh, you know what, dear?
468
00:19:36,122 --> 00:19:39,425
Apparently, there was a
mix-up with the mail.
469
00:19:39,426 --> 00:19:43,145
I just got this letter from
the Postmaster General.
470
00:19:43,146 --> 00:19:46,715
"Dear Barney,
I sincerely apologize
471
00:19:46,716 --> 00:19:49,234
"for losing all the invitations
472
00:19:49,235 --> 00:19:52,271
you sent out to your
eighth birthday party."
473
00:20:07,186 --> 00:20:08,403
Barney.
474
00:20:08,404 --> 00:20:09,471
It's okay, Mom.
475
00:20:09,472 --> 00:20:10,856
I don't need it.
476
00:20:10,857 --> 00:20:12,741
But it's your father.
477
00:20:12,742 --> 00:20:15,160
I already have a father.
478
00:20:16,179 --> 00:20:18,196
And his name...
479
00:20:18,197 --> 00:20:20,866
is Loretta.
480
00:20:23,202 --> 00:20:26,237
Kids, your uncle Barney
grew up without a dad.
481
00:20:26,238 --> 00:20:28,373
And it always made
him feel incomplete.
482
00:20:28,374 --> 00:20:30,409
But as he hugged Loretta,
483
00:20:30,410 --> 00:20:33,944
so around by the boxes into
his happy childhood,
484
00:20:33,945 --> 00:20:38,232
he realized he had
one hell of a mom.
485
00:20:41,237 --> 00:20:43,354
* If the sky *
* If the sky *
486
00:20:43,355 --> 00:20:46,925
* We look upon *
* Mmm... *
487
00:20:46,926 --> 00:20:49,811
* Should tumble and fall *
* Should tumble and fall *
488
00:20:49,812 --> 00:20:54,315
* Or the mountains
should crumble *
489
00:20:54,316 --> 00:20:56,768
* To the sea,
to the sea... *
490
00:20:56,769 --> 00:20:59,905
Wait. Dad! James!
491
00:20:59,906 --> 00:21:01,056
Where are you going?
492
00:21:01,057 --> 00:21:03,458
That's the best part.
493
00:21:04,459 --> 00:21:05,900
Can we go camping?
494
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,000
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